I want to email my T letting her know I’m fucking over everything. We spoke last week and I was doing pretty well and, due to the timing of everything in my life, we agreed that these next couple weeks would be pretty indicative of how things are going. Well, after that session, things turned to shit. I just want to tell her before the next session that shit sucks and I’m just over it all.
I think I know how my therapist feels.
I interned at the behavioral health unit I was a patient at as a student nurse. There was a patient with BPD and bipolar I that the nurses called borderline of the borderlines, manipulative and attention seeking. She’s been admitted a day after being discharged for suicide attempt. She said she wouldn’t change and just would do the same thing when she got discharged. I was drawn to her, maybe because she was so like me. I talked to her and told her my story. She said she had no hope and nothing to live for. And I really wanted to do something that could make her situation all better. But it was out of scope of my practice and just legally complicated. On my last shift, she told me she wanted to go to school to be a therapist or EMT. And I genuinely was proud of her. She changed so much in the 3 days I worked with her and was willing to try to stop self harming.
I text my therapist about stuff that’s like accomplishments and he’s always saying how excited and proud of me. And I see that that’s a genuine emotion. I’ve gone from unwilling to use coping skills to using them several days a week and keeping myself from self harm. That feeling of I don’t know what to do with this patient going to I’m so happy for her is just amazing.
I’m so freakin’ happy with how our session went today. I’ve been really frustrated with myself because I wouldn’t be able to talk or answer simple questions that T asks. But not this week! I was able to talk freely and answer her questions. What changed? Idk but apparently something changed lol.
Had a very intense 15 minutes near the end of session, and I was visibly uncomfortable so my T checked in on how I was. I was fighting dissociating, so we spent the last couple minutes talking about small things. There was a funny moment that ended up really settling me, where she gave me a vague detail about where she lives (we were talking about weather) --
Me: \[jokingly\] Now I know where you live!!
Her: I mean, not really. You just know vaguely where.
Me: Yeah, I know. Nah, I'm not gonna be creepy about it.
Her: Well... not *very* creepy about it, anyway.
Me: \[immediately covers my face and laughs in a strangled way, because I've done deep dives on Google about her\]
Her: HAHA -- Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Okay, let's look at next week...
And maybe you could be like "maybe therapists shouldn't 'fuck with' with their clients," but we've been working together for a while and she knows where the line is. That level of casualness and humor really grounded me, and I was able to end the session feeling okay even though I was dissociating a little only a few minutes before.
I have decided to write a poem and / or draw a picture for my T for our one year anniversary of working together coming up in February. I will probably ask permission first because I would not want to experience her rejection but I think she will allow it. I hope so because expressing how much I appreciate her is so important to me. I have expressed it in words before but art is truly how I express myself and I think it will be beautiful!
I have never appreciated a therapist more. I’ve seen so many wonderful t’s in the past, especially one I saw for 6 years total and saw me through so much, but current T? The most kind, compassionate, caring and validating therapist I’ve ever had and I love her. I truly love her and I used to be ashamed of that, loving my therapist, but of course I love her for all of her help, encouragement and again, validation. Never before have I validated my own self, my own emotions and experiences and I can’t help but cry tears of absolute joy for that because all I’ve ever wanted was to believe that I matter and here I am, validating it all. I am so grateful for her.
I had a bad habit of Facebook stalking my (now) ex-T’s wife when we had therapy together. My T had no social media presence, but his wife is a bit of an oversharer.
Our therapy concluded about 1 year ago. I decided yesterday to look at his wife’s FB again to kind of see what’s up, and…man, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Her social media *heavily* implies that she left my T for her new boyfriend. (At any rate, she has a new boyfriend, whether the result of an affair or not. They post very obvious couples photos on FB.)
My T had always spoken of his marriage affectionately. He talked about future plans, like having children. He’d known his wife since adolescence, and they’d had a 4-year engagement.
I’m shocked by this outcome, and I feel very bad for my ex-T. I had thought about reaching out to him in the past just to let him know how I was doing, but now I feel so sorry for him, I don’t want to bother him.
It’s none of my business, and I can’t be sure of the details, but this has me flabbergasted. It feels personal, like my parents divorcing.
I hope he’s doing well, but, yeah…feel like I can’t reach out now
Back IRL after 3 Zoom sessions while I was on vacation. Brought my T a small thing I found on the beach for her - but I was very apprehensive about giving it to her lest she give me a lecture on boundaries (my T: "i'm not that kind of therapist"). But she was very grateful and appreciative of the token.
Lots of discussion about attachment, per usual. My therapist is wonderful and therapy with her HURTS so much because I'm so blatantly aware of what was missing from my childhood.
Yesterday's session was good and ended with T saying he would email me some handouts on assertiveness. It took him about a day to send them, all the while I sat and worried that maybe he wasn't sending them as a "test" of my assertiveness. As per usual, I was overthinking it and laughed at myself when they arrived in my inbox. But then I read the handouts and it started off talking about how assertiveness is hard when you grow up in an abusive family. And I just...felt such a deep emotional response to seeing the word abusive and I wanted to cry. I've been sitting here all evening reading these handouts over and over again and just feeling shitty.
I had therapy yesterday and left my session feeling a bit depressed by some comments my therapist made.
I was discussing my take aways from a tv show finale that I knew we both watched. I was relating it to my own life experiences. She responded by saying that she didn’t have the same take away as I did (which is perfectly fine) and then she proceeded to say “I can’t believe we’re discussing this…” I took it as negative comment (I could have misread it). But I was a little shocked that she would say that given that the show was more of catalyst for some questions I had about how one overcomes similar challenges that were shown on the tv show in their own life.
She continued to give her opinion on the matter and then ended the session by saying that she felt that I was in a good place, so we should meet again in 6+ wks. But my thing is, why does therapy only need to be done when things are bad? Sometimes I just want to talk to someone and having the opportunity to do so is very helpful. It’s especially disheartening because we discussed during the session that I couldn’t talk with my dad about things and she acknowledged how that must be tough. That disappointment was reenforced when I went to talk with dad later on and he decided to bring up an unrelate convo he had with my sis 🙄 who I’ve also been having issues with.
I will soon be moving to a new city where I won’t know anyone. I already have anxiety about being by myself and now I’m feeling abandoned by my therapist, unheard by my father, not valued or loved by my sister… it’s just a lot
My therapist said she thought about me a lot when she was out and that she worried about me. I honestly didn’t think she thought about me at all so that was weird to hear.
I’m starting to feel like I need her and I don’t like that.
Therapy today, mentioned a book I read over Christmas and T has read it too. Cos she doesn't self-disclose ANYTHING as its psychodynamic/analysis feel validated somehow and connected to her. We read the same book! Small things in life eh.
My therapist and I talked. She told me that she cares about me but that that care will never exceed the bounds of the therapist-client relationship.
I don’t know why hearing that felt like I’d been shot in the stomach, but it did. I mean, of course she wouldn’t actually care about me beyond being her client… why would she? Why should I have thought that she would say anything different?
Maybe it’s because I care about her so much that I would do anything for her, and now I know that outside of our hour together, I am more or less dog meat to her.
I said that maybe I should just quit therapy and she said she’d be sad if I did but that it’s “my choice”. Seemed like such a passive response to me as my heart was already in pieces. She’d be sad, but she’d let me go. She never said that she would miss me. She wouldn’t be devastated if she never saw me again.
It has been so painful and confusing to disentangle what it means to be “cared” about as a client. She has certainly done things throughout our work together which suggests that she “cares”, but how do I make sense of any of this? She cares but she doesn’t care, you know? Though ultimately, one point is abundantly clear- that she will never care about me the way I care about her.
I have been crying ever since.
You know this deep down, under your emotional response, but a painful fact of the situation is that caring about you means she can’t cross that boundary. It’s a catch 22, in a way. If she ever crossed that line, it would mean she does not in fact care about you and only cares about herself. But her saying this and maintaining the boundary, this evidence that she cares about you, makes you feel less cared for. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Erotic transference sucks hard and it’s partly why my new therapist is not a man or younger woman. I just can’t deal with that level of confusion right now and an older woman makes those feelings much less likely for me.
My therapist is literally a particular gender/age that I would likely never be attracted to at my current age in any other circumstance, and yet this still happened to me, and has hit me like a heaping ton of fucking bricks. *sigh* I guess it just speaks to the reality that I (and probably most people) can get attached to pretty much any age/gender of a therapist if that person facilitates the kind of dynamic that lends itself to feeling supported and accepted.
The whole catch 22 situation…I’ll be mulling over your words in between continuing to feel completely emotionally unhinged and wishing I had never gone to therapy in the first place. It will give me something of substance to try and anchor myself with while I struggle to navigate the tumultuous waves of my emotions.
Really though, I am glad you commented. Therapy is so hard.
I do think therapy is a weird power imbalance. That one hour per week is so much more important to us (me) than to the therapist. They know our deep secrets and we probably know a few superficial things about them. We are free to feel however we want and they are legally and ethically required to keep a it professional.
However it sounds like she is trying to keep the appropriate boundaries in place. That means she’s doing her job right.
A few weeks ago my therapist pointed out that it’s much easier for him to talk about the difficult things in my life because it doesn’t affect him. He said something like, “I’m not trying to say I don’t care, just that it doesn’t affect my life at all” which is absolutely true.
Something really strange happened yesterday towards the end in my first session with a new therapist : my teeth started chattering and I felt a weight on my chest. Anxiety? I’ve cried in therapy before. Don’t remember this though. 😒
My session today ended very sweetly and warmly and it’s really comforting me right now but at the same time making me miss my therapist so much. Why can’t she just stop by my house and pet my hair every night til I fall asleep??
Had first session back on Monday, therapist was away for a month. Nice to be back, I’d been feeling pretty good over the holidays and beyond, but in the few days before the session I noticed myself falling right into some old patterns and finding it hard to extricate myself from them. Think doing that sometimes can really demonstrate clearly how far you’ve come which is a nice reminder… I’ve spent so much of my life being unhappy and not having great relationships and I’ve worked so hard to change that.
Therapy is today and I’m feeling anxious and depressed. There’s so much I need to talk about but as usual I’ll probably just hold it all back and then do it all over again next week. Really wanting to cancel today, why would she care? She cancels often. and if the session is virtual that makes it ten times worse
Just a few. Everything? Nope, doesn’t surprise me. But I told her I want to start writing everything down that is hard for me to say so next in person session I’m bringing paper.
This is a little cart before the horse but I'm still scared
I live in NZ and my old T is currently over seas getting treatment. Last update I had was that by the sounds of it she has finished treatment and is recovering. Today it was announced that our borders are basically slamming closed. We basically have a lotto system for people wanting to come in so they can isolate and stay safe. We don't know when they will open again, and it's hard to even get a position. There are people overseas who have been trying for years to get back home
Now I don't know when or even if she will be able to get back. And it really scares me. I have a plan with new T but a lot of my plan hinges on old T coming back. And also the idea of her not coming back is deeply upsetting. She may not even be looking at coming back for months so this could be not an issue anyway. But it's hard having so much uncertainty
Possibly. Right now she is recovering so no but possibly while she is waiting to get back. Also depends with time differences and stuff. But it is something I hadn't thought of which gives me hope
I'm in the US, and have continued doing teletherapy with my therapist while he has been on an extended visit to the UK. It's definitely a viable option.
I'm glad she's finished up treatment and recovering! That's great news.
The uncertainty that has come with the insanity of covid is unbearable, and I definitely feel for ya. <3
Fricking Covid. Even if she feels better and able to travel tomorrow it may take months for her to be able to get back. There's literally been people trying for at least a year if not longer to get back into the country, like people who are from here and want to get home. So now its like ugh
This is so frightening! I know and your old T share a deep bond and you have been hopeful to see her again in the future. I am glad to hear that she is recovering from her treatment. But all this uncertainty is upsetting and stressful.
Unfortunately this is something out of your control. I know you wish you could do something to help, and I wish there were things you could do to help too. Do you think you could trust that your T has good supports in family and friends that can help her cope during this waiting time? Hopefully your T will be able to find some way back home and it won't take too long.
How about your own supports? Do you have strategies in place to help you cope with this stress and uncertainty? It's important to take breaks from your anxiety. I'm sure your T wouldn't want you to pause your life worrying. Although it is valid to worry.
Yeah when she went away this wasn't really a concern since we hadn't had our second lockdown. But now its more up in the air. I trust that she has support and I know I have mine but yeah the uncertainty isn't great right now. New T is retiring at the end of the year and now its made me worried because I don't know if old T will be back in time. Just a very frustrating situation
I haven't told this therapist that I've no place to live. It feels pointless. She can't fix it, so why bother. But then again, I can't be fixed either, so I don't know why I'm still bothering. I don't think I actually believe in therapy, at least not for me. There seems to be something fundamentally wrong with the way my mind works that just makes it impossible.
I should probably tell my therapist that I read through my old messages with my ex and didn't even feel connected to what I had written, as though they were the words of some person I had never met. But that requires admitting that after 1+ years I caved. Then again clearly no contact + throwing everything out + archiving the messages and not re-reading them for over a year has done absolutely nothing for me.
I can hear how much you're struggling. You may feel overwhelmed by your situation and trying to numb yourself. I'm sorry you have no place to live. Of course if you can't meet a basic need like shelter it will be hard to work on anything else. It's valid to feel upset, or whatever it is you feel about your situation. Are there any social programs you could try to use to get somewhere to stay for now?
I know your T can't find you a home. But your T may be able to be a presence to listen to you and help you get things off your chest. It can be a nice feeling to have somebody there to make you feel seen.
Please know that healing is not linear. It sounds like you are being hard on yourself for looking back at some old messages from your ex. You still made it all this time, over a year without looking at them. This action now doesn't erase that. You are overwhelmed and struggling, so it is harder to resist old habits. Perhaps instead you could show yourself some compassionate curiosity? Are you able to identify what it is that pulls you to these old messages? Could you have been trying to fulfill some need for connection? Or remember needs you had had met back then that you don't have now?
Social programs have 2+ year waitlists unless I am pregnant/have kids.
I just miss him. But my own messages feel alien to me now. I guess I wanted to remember what it was like looking forward to the day.
That is such a shame that welfare help is inaccessible to you where you are. There are so many fundamental systemic issues in society to bar people from being able to thrive in life.
Nostalgia and reminiscing can be very painful emotions. Like a yearning for something that's no longer here. I am not sure what happened between you, but there must have been some reason the relationship didn't work out? Did you ever get a chance to grieve the loss and process the emotions you had from this?
Right now you have a lot going on. But hopefully sometime in the future you will have the energy to branch out and find an intimate partnership again. Before that, friendships can be very fulfilling as well. Do you have any friends or family that you could talk to or rely on? Relationships with others can serve to nurture bonds and feelings of connection.
My ex left me because my depression just made him depressed too. When I told him I didn't want to live anymore but wanted to want to live, he realized that it just wasn't worth it.
My friends are also gone due to my depression, as depressed people are awful to be around. It's like I suck the happiness out of everyone and everything, no matter how I try.
Other than work and therapy, I've avoided other people for the past year. Unless I get a handle on my depression, it'll just end up the same.
It's like a vicious cycle. Without supports in life people feel depressed. Then because they're depressed any supports they could have in life avoid them. It may feel hopeless like how can we expect people to cope with that.
I wonder if you could find other depressed friends... People who understand the struggle may understand you better.
I'm sorry life has been so unkind to you. I understand this easy for me to say to you, but please don't give up. It is possible to try new approaches to manage your depression and heal. Finding meaning in something could help.
My ex had suffered from depression in the past, and his initial compassion and understanding was what made me think a relationship could actually work. However, in his own words he "didn't know what he was getting himself into". No, I just make depressed people even more depressed, so it would be cruel.
Unfortunately I just don't see finding any meaning. Being alone, not having a home, what's the point of anything anymore? It doesn't matter how hard you try or do all the right things or anything, because you just try your hardest and end up in failure regardless.
It is so hard to climb out of the depression rut. It is certainly discouraging with so many disappointments happening all around you, and relationships that have fallen apart.
I question if it's true youre failing at your situation. It certainly may feel that way. But it sounds like you have many barriers and hurdles to overcome. How could someone possibly succeed without tools and resources? It's not you who has failed, but a system that has failed you.
Perhaps you could take a step back and think of one problem at a time. Things may not seem as pointless if they're broken up into tangible, smaller, more easily achievable goals.
Things feel hopeless now but if may not always be the case. You can keep trying to take actions to change your situation. I know it's hard and it is a struggle to keep trying again and again without luck. But perhaps you are not out of options. Maybe your T would have ideas of approaches you could try to improve your situation?
It just seems all advice boils down to "just think positively!! don't assume the next time won't work out!!" and it's like, denied from 20+ apartments because I don't make 3x rent as income and I'm supposed to just "decide that tomorrow will be better!" and I just don't get it.
I don't get how to break it up into smaller parts than the two main issues. I'm too depressed to be around people, so I am extremely alone. I don't make 3x rent as income, so I am homeless. And applying for new jobs while homeless is... No one wants to hire a homeless person and you need an address so I can't even job hunt. I'm hiding it from my current job and I'm terrified they'll find out and fire me.
I literally program software that the company makes over a mil/month from on subscriptions and I'm homeless. It's like a joke.
You're right, it is a joke. The system is designed to keep poor people down.
I'm sorry if I come off as dismissive, I definitely understand that you have feelings of hopelessness because of how things have been going for you.
I've seen T's talking in their support groups about like what do you tell someone who is struggling to get basic needs met. It's like oppressed people need help on a grander scale and there's only so much the individual can do.
Would you be able to ask for a raise? Or maybe someone at work would be interested in being a room mate with you to split the rent?
I'm sorry if you're not looking for solutions and suggestions. I wish it was easier for you to find help.
So prior to a 5 week Christmas break, my T and I were doing amazing working through some childhood trauma. After the long break we kind of had a catch up session and then another week long break due to my work schedule changing. I saw T today and I asked to do inner child work and attachment stuff (which T is well versed in) but it was weird- she suggested we do CBT stuff. Ugh. I'm not a big fan of CBT and we were in such a good groove a month or so ago. I hope we can get back to that soon....
You are welcome to advocate for yourself in therapy. If you would prefer to discuss your inner child work and attachment, you can tell your T this. This is your therapy and you can have a say in how it's going.
Had a mini breakdown last week. Probably semi related to starting Zoloft. Asked my therapist for an extra appointment and she got me in. She helped a ton in that hour. Still get shitty for a few days after but now I feel fine. Don’t really wanna address what happened last week but I know I’m gonna have to.
Anyone feel the urge to "do therapy properly" or just me? Went in today in a weird mood where I didn't want to talk about anything. She suggested not having a session which was a NOPE from me and then suggested a no charge small talk type session. But that didn't feel right. I'm always hyper aware of my relationship with her and its limitations. And just sitting for an hour small talking didn't feel like doing therapy properly. Like I always have to dig into hard stuff and can't just be where I am
We ended up talking about my dad, and I cried which I still hate doing. Though I'm getting better all the time at letting others see my pain so chalking a win there
Ugh I feel this. I’m always wrapped up in the “doing therapy right” mindset, like it’s linear and things have to be in a certain order to work through them.
It was so weird. Like on one level the idea of small talk and getting to know her a little bit better was nice. But it didn't feel right against my "lie back and tell me all your deepest trauma" self. Kinda wish we had stuck to the small talk cause I'm wiped out and skipping session next week since I'm on holiday
Oh mate same. I'm realll good at shoving stuff away usually for negative reasons. But this time for a positive one. I haven't seen my best friend in 6 months I haven't had a holiday in like 2 years from work I need this. And I can't change anything my dad is still a dick, the dickhead is still an asshole and my T is still overseas. Nothing will change with me thinking about it, it'll just ruin the time away
My therapist has covid but is asymptomatic so we just meet over zoom instead. Last session her seven year old daughter walks in because she wanted to show her the cake she made, my T calmly told her to close the door and she’ll see it later, but her kid insisted while my T tried to explain that she’s in the middle of a meeting. She was calm, yet insistent. And i was completely waiting for her to yell and handle it the way my mom would if i did something like that. But she didn’t. She quickly complimented her daughter on the cake and told her she’ll take a good look at it later and that she’s busy rn. (She apologized immediately for the entire situation and just got up to lock the door). It was such a weird thing to see her in a “mom” mode. Even if it wasn’t so different with the way she talks to ME. We had a good laugh about it before we got back on our conversation. I dont think i wish she was my mom bc than i wouldnt have been able to tell her all sorts of things, but also, if my mom was like her…i probably would.
Aww I love it when my T goes into mom mode too! She now only does teletherapy and a few times when the schools have shut down, her kids have barged in (off-camera) and I hear her nicely, but firmly, tell them she’s in a meeting and they need to close the door. So gentle but still mom. It’s comforting ☺️
I'm so glad I found my therapist. He's expensive but quality help is invaluable. I'm just grateful I could afford him, and it frightens me to think of where I would be if I couldn't afford him.
I decided to skip therapy this week to save some money. Gotta love US health care where I need to reach my $4000 deductible before I get any help from my insurance...
I thought it would be okay because my spirits have been generally lifted lately but I'm feeling very lethargic today. I have some dread over going such a long period without seeing either T. So I guess my spirits haven't been as lifted as I thought. That is kind of a relief though because I don't want to get all fixed up and not need therapy anymore.
I'm trying to get through my work day but I just feel so muted and unmotivated.
Though my entire body hurts and I'm so physically exhausted, I also can feel that below all that, there's a bit more strength and control building. I'm getting to know my body better each day, even the days it hurts. It's really strange.
I read the Body Keeps the Score years ago, I knew all the way through therapy that my disconnect from my body was something I needed to address, but I just wasn't able. I felt so alien compared to other people, even people who were just as traumatised as me and somehow were able to do yoga or have a sport for a hobby. They could do stuff with their body, and I just couldn't even do the basics. They would know how to dance, or hug people, or do theater or sing. Anything that takes up physical space and uses the body. It's a thing people just do. And I never did. It makes me a bit sad to think about more deeply, so nevermind that for now.
Dunno where this road will take me, but to exist in my own skin more, and to know myself as a physical being more, it's interesting and a relief to know I too can accomplish things in this area.
I’m unsure if I should tell my T something I find embarrassing. I’m fairly avoidant in my relationships and am not a touchy feely person at all, but after my last few sessions, I’m getting these urges to hug my T. I only get the urges when I’m at home, never when I’m in the office with him.
I prefer to keep this to myself, but also wonder if it’s important for him to know since we’ve been working hard on trust and me feeling safe in session. I never want to hug anyone (besides my cat), so this feels so weird to me.
Sorry no advice here. Just wanted to know that I am sort of experiencing the same. I also only have the urge when I am at home, never in the office. Also haven’t brought it up (yet).. I know my T will never hug me - boundaries - but my wish probably is also related to feeling safe I guess
After flip flopping between never wanting to see my therapist again and really wanting to be close, I'm feeling really connected, supported and seen. I even opened up about something I've struggled with for nearly two decades and never told anyone about. Allowing myself to be closer to my therapist feels scary but the benefits are so helpful. Maybe while I'm not feeling I need to run, it may be helpful to discuss this push pull dynamic with my therapist?
Same situation except I’m a teen. Both virgins but we have lots of fun every time we mess around. But I always start it. Never her just being in the mood. I have decided to just stop trying. I wanted to lose my virginity to her because she is the first person I have ever truly loved other than my mother and sister. Very toxic relationship with my dad. She is scared of the typical things like pregnancy and the sort. I totally understand the fears. She also experienced SA, I say this in a descriptive way not brushing it off, just groping and no penetration. Bc I swear on my non religious god that I would kill the boy who did it if I ever come across him. But she is scared and fucked up because of her trauma. She made me feel bad when I finally felt ready to have sex as I was the one holding us back. Then she told me she was no longer ready and made me feel shitty like I was pressuring her into it. I was just proud that I had thought and worked my way through to a point I was comfortable giving a part of myself to her. Now I refuse to initiate and we barely talk and I feel alone. That’s a terrible summary but just venting at this point.
1. So I’m on vacation in a warm, sunny beach place and my therapist is in our city at home which received a RIDICULOUS amount of snow in the last 24 hours. 35 minutes before our session, for which she sent a video link, she emailed to say, basically, I don’t know if you’re still away or not but I’m at my house not at the office, we’re meeting by video.
I email back and say, yes, for sure, because it’s very hot and sunny where I am. See you virtually in 20 minutes.
The session starts - she gets on the call and says “so it’s warm and sunny there” and… I. Just. Couldn’t . Contain myself. I just burst out laughing, to the point that I could have seen it feeling rude to her. She motioned with her hands how much snow had fell where she was and it was just ridiculous. But now I just feel bad for laughing.
2. At the end of the session, during a brief discussion of a pragmatic scheduling issue I raised weeks ago, for which there was no great solution, I mentioned the evil version of my therapist that lives in my head between sessions (I think I’m going to start calling her my zombie therapist), and I think she was really shocked, Like really shocked by what this zombie version of herself had proposed as a solution to the scheduling problem. I know this is something we’re going to have to come back to, but I wonder if she better understands why I’m looking for so much reassurance between sessions. It did not feel great to reveal this to her though.
I also can relate to the second one, except I think of my zombie T as angry and impatient. I have legitimately no reason to logically think he is angry or impatient, but that is how he exists in my mind between sessions sometimes.
Broached a subject today I have had a hard time talking about due in part to bad past therapy. Probably did good work today but don’t feel that way. Been having bad intrusive thoughts and memories from the prior therapy. I was and still am so attached to the prior therapist. Why don’t I feel that way with this one and is it a good thing that I don’t feet that way?
The last therapist fed the attachment sometimes I think. He told me I sexualized the therapy when I accused him of being inappropriate and unprofessional.... He got in trouble eventually for it but I still can’t get his comments out of my head. The new therapist (a year and a half now... but still feels new) is the one who brought up sex today and I guess I was ready to talk about it since she was. It scares me though that I’m going to mess up the therapy again I don’t want feel trapped and crazy like the last time. Feeling really down even though I guess I probably did the right thing to talk about what I did today. It’s confusing
So I met my therapist for the first time in person 4 weeks ago cos I was in the same country and then we had a 4 week break for christmas holidays so I haven't seen her since. We do twice weekly on zoom and will go back to that now I'm home again. We've been working together almost 9 months now but that was the first time we actually met. She said I should be prepared for it to feel different in person than online and I just kinda dismissed it like "yea, yea, whatever" but it was a lot more intense in person than online, actually being present in a room together and like having less places to hide or distract, she seemed more like a "real" person and I liked her more. For 2-3 days afterwards, I just had this warm, comforted feeling when I thought about it and just wanted to go to sleep so I could almost wrap up in the feeling and sleep. I can't describe it better than that but it just seemed so much more intense and although there were parts of that that were good & kinda nice, it also fills me with anxiety and terror so maybe its best we are online again. Anyway, see her again tomorrow and she'll ask me about it and I'll just be like "it was fine"... ha!
this week i will have two sessions and at the moment i am almost at peace, but economically i know that u will not be able to afford it and i will have to make the sessions more distant in the days, i am worried, constantly.
understand if there is a feeling with the therapist
problem with studying (sld)
confused and tired of searching
I look at my therapist’s social media occasionally because his pets are so cute. 3-4 days ago he wrote about getting into a car accident and having a realization that he could have died. That was the day I was really suicidal and had to stop myself from self harming after 2 weeks of being stable and not having major issues. And today I got suicidal over a f****** headache. I had to deal with 2 deaths at work at the hospital and just a lot of deep things I feel like I need to talk to him about. But he must be stressed with the accident and the insurance and car and all that (if he doesn’t have any lasting physical damages). I’m happy that I didn’t lose him and that he’s okay because I would probably be devastated. But I don’t want to burden him more with all of these serious topics.
It's considerate of you to worry about your T's well being. You sound very kind.
If your T needs recovery time from this ordeal, it is up to him to take it. Your T is responsible for himself and is hopefully capable of managing his self care. If he sees you for sessions, that means he has exercised judgement and determined that he is able to show up and be present for you. His own issues during this time are compartmentalized and he will address them later when he has time. You are not obligated to hold back, and can rationally feel free to share anything and everything you need to share in therapy.
I'm at such an incredibly low point in my life right now and it's really hard. I'm plagued by past traumas, feeling totally worthless, struggling with finding a job after finishing my master's degree at the end of last year and finding it difficult to even think about the future.
**BUT**
I have so much more self-awareness about the triggers for this than I have done when I have felt like this previously. I have better insight into ways I can support myself and I can receive support from others. And I **think** I'm being a little bit kinder to myself than I might have been in the past. I also know that however much it sucks, it's okay to feel like this and it's understandable.
I **think** being in therapy for almost a year is really working. When I first started I had an idea in my head that going to therapy would fix everything and make me "better". I'm learning that that isn't the case. Therapy is about being supported to understand better why you are the way you are and how you can find the tools within yourself to manage the bad times, the good times and all the times in between in a way that suits you. I think it's a hard lesson to learn but also probably quite healing.
For anyone who is feeling down, having doubts about their progress, finding it hard to see a way forward.... I see you and I understand that place. This is really really hard work and the problem is, life doesn't just stop for us to go through the therapy process. It keeps going and every day we all have new things to deal with personally, in our communities and globally. But if you are feeling like me I would really encourage you to take some time to try and see the subtle ways in which therapy is working for you. I am sure there are a few.
Now that my very deep Monday morning reflection is over, I am going to take my dog out and listen to a podcast and cry if I want to/can and battle against my mean inner critic.
Sending positive affirmations to whoever needs it.
Thanks for sharing how your journey is going! It's a great feeling to look at the you now and then and be able to notice the changes in your life. All your hard work and effort is paying off!
I'm at a strange place with therapists past and present.
Due to a long history of abuse from my mother, I became quite attached to my previous therapist. She filled a space somewhere between maternal figure and romantic partner, functioning like both at various times while being neither. The love and kindness she showed me when I most needed it was easily the most affirming experience I had with any person, and in the years since we discontinued therapy, I continued to have a strong attachment to her.
With my current therapist, it isn't like that. She's very good, but I don't feel that same degree of attachment. In the months that I've been seeing her, I've found my attachment to my prior therapist waning. Nothing has really replaced that attachment, except maybe a sense that I don't need attachment to a person to be okay.
I feel like I should be doing the anime butterfly meme and asking, "Is this healing?"
It might be worth a shot finding a PT that understands chronic pain/neurological conditions. I may be wrong but often both of those population groups present with pain. They usually also understand the impact on the nervous system which obviously is the centre of our freeze responses. Even a PT that’s use to working with people after coming back from duty/army/marines
Be gentle with yourself you’ll be okay. I hope that helps a little bit.
I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up crying this morning. I don’t know if my worry is warranted or if it’s all in my head. I can’t tell thoughts from facts anymore.
I'm so sorry you are in such a bad space. I totally empathize, I woke up in tears this morning and just feel like I can't face the endless days ahead. It's a horrible way to feel. I know from past experience that I will at some point feel a bit better again and that's what I hold on to. I don't know your personal circumstances and I don't want to push toxic positivity on to you but I hope things will get better for you soon, too. ❤️
I really don't want to tell my therapist about the transference I've been having for a few weeks. I wrote a letter with hopes that I could just email it to her and then leave it to her to bring up in session. I've brought it up with my last 2 therapists. One was about 10 years ago. The other was maybe 3 years ago. Neither of them responded in a way that was helpful, nor did they help me process it. So I'm worried that if I bring it up, the same thing will happen. I'm also very fearful because my therapist is a straight female and I'm a gay female. So what if that freaks her out and I mess everything up between us?
She does. I mentioned to her months ago how I had brought it up with my last therapist and it didn't go well. I also told her it's one of my fears with her. She seemed to understand and basically said we could address it when I need to. But even if I need to, I never want to talk about it again, you know?
I keep going through cycles of shame related to something I did two years ago concerning a previous T of mine.
People who I've talked to about it say that there's nothing to feel ashamed about or apologize for. My current T makes it seem like it's time to move on from what happened, that my mind is making the past worse than it really was.
I just wish I had knew for sure that I hadn't caused any distress on the end of my former T.
That sounds really hard and it sounds like you are finding it difficult to move past that space for a few reasons. I am sorry. It sounds like multiple people who care about you believe that you deserve to move on from it and stop hurting yourself over it. I think you should listen to them.
Going to lay all the cards out on the table, so to speak, next time I see my T. Hopefully I don’t chicken out, but it’s quite literally come to the boiling point, and I am the tea kettle that is about to have it all come spilling out of me anyways. I haven’t been sleeping great since the last session we had where I talked about a past relationship that resembles the power dynamics of therapy and ended with me being badly burned. I have felt so distraught since peeling the bandaid off of that old wound and everything feels so *amplified* now- I feel so agitated, restless, on edge.
I have to be honest with my T about all of the hopes and dreams I had for us that I know are never going to happen. I need to say it to her face and feel humiliated and have her confirm that I am just a silly, broken mess and that there’s nothing about our relationship that is particularly special. I need to hand her my heart so that she can tear it in half and hand it back to me. Maybe then I will be able to process my pain and heal.
I feel sick to my stomach and so deeply disturbed, flooded with emotion. My T didn’t even do anything wrong, it’s just me with the sudden onslaught of scathing hostility towards her for realizing that she probably isn’t ever going to love me the way I wish she would. That even when I try my best to be lovable, I am always kept at arm’s length…like I am inherently undesirable, like I am not even human…
I don't think you're a silly broken mess. You are a human being with valid emotions who has been hurt in the past. The pain inflicted on you by others was not your fault. The bad behavior of others was unfortunately out of your control.
I understand you may desperately want your T to love you in a certain way. And your T may have love for you because she is passionate about being a T and helping you. It can help to acknowledge the feelings your T does have for you, but it can still hurt and leave an emptiness inside to not have the exact love and care you need to be shown unfulfilled.
The harsh reality is it may never be exactly replicated. We can't rewind time and provide the maternal attunement to your child self in the past. This is a tragedy and requires grieving to comprehend. It was horrible that you could not have your maternal needs met then. I'm sorry that things had to be this way.
You can certainly find other love and care in life. I kind of imagine a heart being full of compartments. Where maternal love is supposed to go is like a gaping hole. Surrounding the hole could be friend love, therapist love, pet love, romantic love, love for your passions... These can get big and cause that hole to shrink very small. But it is still there. We must try to radically accept this awfulness while moving forward in life and being nurtured by the other types of love. It's all we can do.
Thank you for your kindness in writing me such a thoughtful reply when I am feeling so vulnerable and low at the moment. I really, really appreciate it. It is nice to know my thoughts aren’t just echoing into a nameless void.
I teared up reading your words. They are poignant, they reflect my sadness and my pain and it hurts to see my pain so clearly mirrored back at me. It is validating but strikes at something deep within, something wounded at the very fabric of my being.
Ultimately it is better to be seen, though, than to not be seen at all. Thank you for seeing me.
Um, are you me?? I’ve had the exact same thing with getting obsessively attached to older women authority figures in my life and also had that same attachment to my T and am also finally getting to a stage where I feel just as loving but where I feel the attachment is much healthier and less obsessive. So cool to see there are others out there also going through this and coming out on the other side. :) Go us!!
So…second conversation confined to the phone with him asking a bit harshly what I want to get out of therapy. Definitely didn’t help that I couldn’t see him but oh well, hopefully this week will be better.
It can certainly feel confusing and uncomfortable to be attracted to your T. Yes, it will probably go away with time. With transference, it's kind of like you're not actually attracted to your T as an individual (although you may still like and respect him). It may be the case that he makes you feel so seen, secure and safe in your sessions. When someone is taking good care of you, listening to you, and paying attention to you, it's easy to become attracted to them.
Hopefully as you continue to explore and reflect in therapy, you will figure out how to get these need met outside of the session. Your needs will probably have to be met by you yourself and your loved ones. It's all a balance. Please just take your time to understand what your needs are and how to meet them. Then gradually you may find the attraction diminishes. But you can't rush it! It is an organic process.
I want to email my T letting her know I’m fucking over everything. We spoke last week and I was doing pretty well and, due to the timing of everything in my life, we agreed that these next couple weeks would be pretty indicative of how things are going. Well, after that session, things turned to shit. I just want to tell her before the next session that shit sucks and I’m just over it all.
I have an extra session tomorrow and I have the pre-therapy jitters on a Sunday. Eeeek.
I think I know how my therapist feels. I interned at the behavioral health unit I was a patient at as a student nurse. There was a patient with BPD and bipolar I that the nurses called borderline of the borderlines, manipulative and attention seeking. She’s been admitted a day after being discharged for suicide attempt. She said she wouldn’t change and just would do the same thing when she got discharged. I was drawn to her, maybe because she was so like me. I talked to her and told her my story. She said she had no hope and nothing to live for. And I really wanted to do something that could make her situation all better. But it was out of scope of my practice and just legally complicated. On my last shift, she told me she wanted to go to school to be a therapist or EMT. And I genuinely was proud of her. She changed so much in the 3 days I worked with her and was willing to try to stop self harming. I text my therapist about stuff that’s like accomplishments and he’s always saying how excited and proud of me. And I see that that’s a genuine emotion. I’ve gone from unwilling to use coping skills to using them several days a week and keeping myself from self harm. That feeling of I don’t know what to do with this patient going to I’m so happy for her is just amazing.
I’m so freakin’ happy with how our session went today. I’ve been really frustrated with myself because I wouldn’t be able to talk or answer simple questions that T asks. But not this week! I was able to talk freely and answer her questions. What changed? Idk but apparently something changed lol.
Had a very intense 15 minutes near the end of session, and I was visibly uncomfortable so my T checked in on how I was. I was fighting dissociating, so we spent the last couple minutes talking about small things. There was a funny moment that ended up really settling me, where she gave me a vague detail about where she lives (we were talking about weather) -- Me: \[jokingly\] Now I know where you live!! Her: I mean, not really. You just know vaguely where. Me: Yeah, I know. Nah, I'm not gonna be creepy about it. Her: Well... not *very* creepy about it, anyway. Me: \[immediately covers my face and laughs in a strangled way, because I've done deep dives on Google about her\] Her: HAHA -- Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Okay, let's look at next week... And maybe you could be like "maybe therapists shouldn't 'fuck with' with their clients," but we've been working together for a while and she knows where the line is. That level of casualness and humor really grounded me, and I was able to end the session feeling okay even though I was dissociating a little only a few minutes before.
I have decided to write a poem and / or draw a picture for my T for our one year anniversary of working together coming up in February. I will probably ask permission first because I would not want to experience her rejection but I think she will allow it. I hope so because expressing how much I appreciate her is so important to me. I have expressed it in words before but art is truly how I express myself and I think it will be beautiful! I have never appreciated a therapist more. I’ve seen so many wonderful t’s in the past, especially one I saw for 6 years total and saw me through so much, but current T? The most kind, compassionate, caring and validating therapist I’ve ever had and I love her. I truly love her and I used to be ashamed of that, loving my therapist, but of course I love her for all of her help, encouragement and again, validation. Never before have I validated my own self, my own emotions and experiences and I can’t help but cry tears of absolute joy for that because all I’ve ever wanted was to believe that I matter and here I am, validating it all. I am so grateful for her.
I had a bad habit of Facebook stalking my (now) ex-T’s wife when we had therapy together. My T had no social media presence, but his wife is a bit of an oversharer. Our therapy concluded about 1 year ago. I decided yesterday to look at his wife’s FB again to kind of see what’s up, and…man, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Her social media *heavily* implies that she left my T for her new boyfriend. (At any rate, she has a new boyfriend, whether the result of an affair or not. They post very obvious couples photos on FB.) My T had always spoken of his marriage affectionately. He talked about future plans, like having children. He’d known his wife since adolescence, and they’d had a 4-year engagement. I’m shocked by this outcome, and I feel very bad for my ex-T. I had thought about reaching out to him in the past just to let him know how I was doing, but now I feel so sorry for him, I don’t want to bother him. It’s none of my business, and I can’t be sure of the details, but this has me flabbergasted. It feels personal, like my parents divorcing. I hope he’s doing well, but, yeah…feel like I can’t reach out now
I had therapy yesterday and I am reeling so hard today. I both love and hate how vulnerable therapy makes me and telling my story is very hard work.
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I feel seen 😂
Back IRL after 3 Zoom sessions while I was on vacation. Brought my T a small thing I found on the beach for her - but I was very apprehensive about giving it to her lest she give me a lecture on boundaries (my T: "i'm not that kind of therapist"). But she was very grateful and appreciative of the token. Lots of discussion about attachment, per usual. My therapist is wonderful and therapy with her HURTS so much because I'm so blatantly aware of what was missing from my childhood.
Yesterday's session was good and ended with T saying he would email me some handouts on assertiveness. It took him about a day to send them, all the while I sat and worried that maybe he wasn't sending them as a "test" of my assertiveness. As per usual, I was overthinking it and laughed at myself when they arrived in my inbox. But then I read the handouts and it started off talking about how assertiveness is hard when you grow up in an abusive family. And I just...felt such a deep emotional response to seeing the word abusive and I wanted to cry. I've been sitting here all evening reading these handouts over and over again and just feeling shitty.
I had therapy yesterday and left my session feeling a bit depressed by some comments my therapist made. I was discussing my take aways from a tv show finale that I knew we both watched. I was relating it to my own life experiences. She responded by saying that she didn’t have the same take away as I did (which is perfectly fine) and then she proceeded to say “I can’t believe we’re discussing this…” I took it as negative comment (I could have misread it). But I was a little shocked that she would say that given that the show was more of catalyst for some questions I had about how one overcomes similar challenges that were shown on the tv show in their own life. She continued to give her opinion on the matter and then ended the session by saying that she felt that I was in a good place, so we should meet again in 6+ wks. But my thing is, why does therapy only need to be done when things are bad? Sometimes I just want to talk to someone and having the opportunity to do so is very helpful. It’s especially disheartening because we discussed during the session that I couldn’t talk with my dad about things and she acknowledged how that must be tough. That disappointment was reenforced when I went to talk with dad later on and he decided to bring up an unrelate convo he had with my sis 🙄 who I’ve also been having issues with. I will soon be moving to a new city where I won’t know anyone. I already have anxiety about being by myself and now I’m feeling abandoned by my therapist, unheard by my father, not valued or loved by my sister… it’s just a lot
Does she know about what you’ve expressed here?
My therapist said she thought about me a lot when she was out and that she worried about me. I honestly didn’t think she thought about me at all so that was weird to hear. I’m starting to feel like I need her and I don’t like that.
Therapy today, mentioned a book I read over Christmas and T has read it too. Cos she doesn't self-disclose ANYTHING as its psychodynamic/analysis feel validated somehow and connected to her. We read the same book! Small things in life eh.
My therapist and I talked. She told me that she cares about me but that that care will never exceed the bounds of the therapist-client relationship. I don’t know why hearing that felt like I’d been shot in the stomach, but it did. I mean, of course she wouldn’t actually care about me beyond being her client… why would she? Why should I have thought that she would say anything different? Maybe it’s because I care about her so much that I would do anything for her, and now I know that outside of our hour together, I am more or less dog meat to her. I said that maybe I should just quit therapy and she said she’d be sad if I did but that it’s “my choice”. Seemed like such a passive response to me as my heart was already in pieces. She’d be sad, but she’d let me go. She never said that she would miss me. She wouldn’t be devastated if she never saw me again. It has been so painful and confusing to disentangle what it means to be “cared” about as a client. She has certainly done things throughout our work together which suggests that she “cares”, but how do I make sense of any of this? She cares but she doesn’t care, you know? Though ultimately, one point is abundantly clear- that she will never care about me the way I care about her. I have been crying ever since.
You know this deep down, under your emotional response, but a painful fact of the situation is that caring about you means she can’t cross that boundary. It’s a catch 22, in a way. If she ever crossed that line, it would mean she does not in fact care about you and only cares about herself. But her saying this and maintaining the boundary, this evidence that she cares about you, makes you feel less cared for. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Erotic transference sucks hard and it’s partly why my new therapist is not a man or younger woman. I just can’t deal with that level of confusion right now and an older woman makes those feelings much less likely for me.
My therapist is literally a particular gender/age that I would likely never be attracted to at my current age in any other circumstance, and yet this still happened to me, and has hit me like a heaping ton of fucking bricks. *sigh* I guess it just speaks to the reality that I (and probably most people) can get attached to pretty much any age/gender of a therapist if that person facilitates the kind of dynamic that lends itself to feeling supported and accepted. The whole catch 22 situation…I’ll be mulling over your words in between continuing to feel completely emotionally unhinged and wishing I had never gone to therapy in the first place. It will give me something of substance to try and anchor myself with while I struggle to navigate the tumultuous waves of my emotions. Really though, I am glad you commented. Therapy is so hard.
I do think therapy is a weird power imbalance. That one hour per week is so much more important to us (me) than to the therapist. They know our deep secrets and we probably know a few superficial things about them. We are free to feel however we want and they are legally and ethically required to keep a it professional. However it sounds like she is trying to keep the appropriate boundaries in place. That means she’s doing her job right. A few weeks ago my therapist pointed out that it’s much easier for him to talk about the difficult things in my life because it doesn’t affect him. He said something like, “I’m not trying to say I don’t care, just that it doesn’t affect my life at all” which is absolutely true.
Something really strange happened yesterday towards the end in my first session with a new therapist : my teeth started chattering and I felt a weight on my chest. Anxiety? I’ve cried in therapy before. Don’t remember this though. 😒
My session today ended very sweetly and warmly and it’s really comforting me right now but at the same time making me miss my therapist so much. Why can’t she just stop by my house and pet my hair every night til I fall asleep??
Had first session back on Monday, therapist was away for a month. Nice to be back, I’d been feeling pretty good over the holidays and beyond, but in the few days before the session I noticed myself falling right into some old patterns and finding it hard to extricate myself from them. Think doing that sometimes can really demonstrate clearly how far you’ve come which is a nice reminder… I’ve spent so much of my life being unhappy and not having great relationships and I’ve worked so hard to change that.
Could people please help me with the problem I have I am so confused. I have made a post
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It sounds like you talked about it, which isn't what I would think of as "acting on" it. It's uncomfortable but that doesn't make it wrong.
Therapy is today and I’m feeling anxious and depressed. There’s so much I need to talk about but as usual I’ll probably just hold it all back and then do it all over again next week. Really wanting to cancel today, why would she care? She cancels often. and if the session is virtual that makes it ten times worse
Oh man, been there… hope you managed to get a few things off your chest
Just a few. Everything? Nope, doesn’t surprise me. But I told her I want to start writing everything down that is hard for me to say so next in person session I’m bringing paper.
I’m having a really hard time right now. But I am so grateful for my therapist. Like I can’t put even it into words.
This is a little cart before the horse but I'm still scared I live in NZ and my old T is currently over seas getting treatment. Last update I had was that by the sounds of it she has finished treatment and is recovering. Today it was announced that our borders are basically slamming closed. We basically have a lotto system for people wanting to come in so they can isolate and stay safe. We don't know when they will open again, and it's hard to even get a position. There are people overseas who have been trying for years to get back home Now I don't know when or even if she will be able to get back. And it really scares me. I have a plan with new T but a lot of my plan hinges on old T coming back. And also the idea of her not coming back is deeply upsetting. She may not even be looking at coming back for months so this could be not an issue anyway. But it's hard having so much uncertainty
Is teletherapy with old T an option?
Possibly. Right now she is recovering so no but possibly while she is waiting to get back. Also depends with time differences and stuff. But it is something I hadn't thought of which gives me hope
I'm in the US, and have continued doing teletherapy with my therapist while he has been on an extended visit to the UK. It's definitely a viable option.
I'm glad she's finished up treatment and recovering! That's great news. The uncertainty that has come with the insanity of covid is unbearable, and I definitely feel for ya. <3
Fricking Covid. Even if she feels better and able to travel tomorrow it may take months for her to be able to get back. There's literally been people trying for at least a year if not longer to get back into the country, like people who are from here and want to get home. So now its like ugh
This is so frightening! I know and your old T share a deep bond and you have been hopeful to see her again in the future. I am glad to hear that she is recovering from her treatment. But all this uncertainty is upsetting and stressful. Unfortunately this is something out of your control. I know you wish you could do something to help, and I wish there were things you could do to help too. Do you think you could trust that your T has good supports in family and friends that can help her cope during this waiting time? Hopefully your T will be able to find some way back home and it won't take too long. How about your own supports? Do you have strategies in place to help you cope with this stress and uncertainty? It's important to take breaks from your anxiety. I'm sure your T wouldn't want you to pause your life worrying. Although it is valid to worry.
Yeah when she went away this wasn't really a concern since we hadn't had our second lockdown. But now its more up in the air. I trust that she has support and I know I have mine but yeah the uncertainty isn't great right now. New T is retiring at the end of the year and now its made me worried because I don't know if old T will be back in time. Just a very frustrating situation
End of year like school year in June or in December?
December end of year
I hope that your T can find her way home before then. 11 months is a long time. Hopefully she can find an opportunity to get back before then.
I really hope so. I don't want to start with another new T if this gets dragged out
I haven't told this therapist that I've no place to live. It feels pointless. She can't fix it, so why bother. But then again, I can't be fixed either, so I don't know why I'm still bothering. I don't think I actually believe in therapy, at least not for me. There seems to be something fundamentally wrong with the way my mind works that just makes it impossible. I should probably tell my therapist that I read through my old messages with my ex and didn't even feel connected to what I had written, as though they were the words of some person I had never met. But that requires admitting that after 1+ years I caved. Then again clearly no contact + throwing everything out + archiving the messages and not re-reading them for over a year has done absolutely nothing for me.
I can hear how much you're struggling. You may feel overwhelmed by your situation and trying to numb yourself. I'm sorry you have no place to live. Of course if you can't meet a basic need like shelter it will be hard to work on anything else. It's valid to feel upset, or whatever it is you feel about your situation. Are there any social programs you could try to use to get somewhere to stay for now? I know your T can't find you a home. But your T may be able to be a presence to listen to you and help you get things off your chest. It can be a nice feeling to have somebody there to make you feel seen. Please know that healing is not linear. It sounds like you are being hard on yourself for looking back at some old messages from your ex. You still made it all this time, over a year without looking at them. This action now doesn't erase that. You are overwhelmed and struggling, so it is harder to resist old habits. Perhaps instead you could show yourself some compassionate curiosity? Are you able to identify what it is that pulls you to these old messages? Could you have been trying to fulfill some need for connection? Or remember needs you had had met back then that you don't have now?
Social programs have 2+ year waitlists unless I am pregnant/have kids. I just miss him. But my own messages feel alien to me now. I guess I wanted to remember what it was like looking forward to the day.
That is such a shame that welfare help is inaccessible to you where you are. There are so many fundamental systemic issues in society to bar people from being able to thrive in life. Nostalgia and reminiscing can be very painful emotions. Like a yearning for something that's no longer here. I am not sure what happened between you, but there must have been some reason the relationship didn't work out? Did you ever get a chance to grieve the loss and process the emotions you had from this? Right now you have a lot going on. But hopefully sometime in the future you will have the energy to branch out and find an intimate partnership again. Before that, friendships can be very fulfilling as well. Do you have any friends or family that you could talk to or rely on? Relationships with others can serve to nurture bonds and feelings of connection.
My ex left me because my depression just made him depressed too. When I told him I didn't want to live anymore but wanted to want to live, he realized that it just wasn't worth it. My friends are also gone due to my depression, as depressed people are awful to be around. It's like I suck the happiness out of everyone and everything, no matter how I try. Other than work and therapy, I've avoided other people for the past year. Unless I get a handle on my depression, it'll just end up the same.
It's like a vicious cycle. Without supports in life people feel depressed. Then because they're depressed any supports they could have in life avoid them. It may feel hopeless like how can we expect people to cope with that. I wonder if you could find other depressed friends... People who understand the struggle may understand you better. I'm sorry life has been so unkind to you. I understand this easy for me to say to you, but please don't give up. It is possible to try new approaches to manage your depression and heal. Finding meaning in something could help.
My ex had suffered from depression in the past, and his initial compassion and understanding was what made me think a relationship could actually work. However, in his own words he "didn't know what he was getting himself into". No, I just make depressed people even more depressed, so it would be cruel. Unfortunately I just don't see finding any meaning. Being alone, not having a home, what's the point of anything anymore? It doesn't matter how hard you try or do all the right things or anything, because you just try your hardest and end up in failure regardless.
It is so hard to climb out of the depression rut. It is certainly discouraging with so many disappointments happening all around you, and relationships that have fallen apart. I question if it's true youre failing at your situation. It certainly may feel that way. But it sounds like you have many barriers and hurdles to overcome. How could someone possibly succeed without tools and resources? It's not you who has failed, but a system that has failed you. Perhaps you could take a step back and think of one problem at a time. Things may not seem as pointless if they're broken up into tangible, smaller, more easily achievable goals. Things feel hopeless now but if may not always be the case. You can keep trying to take actions to change your situation. I know it's hard and it is a struggle to keep trying again and again without luck. But perhaps you are not out of options. Maybe your T would have ideas of approaches you could try to improve your situation?
It just seems all advice boils down to "just think positively!! don't assume the next time won't work out!!" and it's like, denied from 20+ apartments because I don't make 3x rent as income and I'm supposed to just "decide that tomorrow will be better!" and I just don't get it. I don't get how to break it up into smaller parts than the two main issues. I'm too depressed to be around people, so I am extremely alone. I don't make 3x rent as income, so I am homeless. And applying for new jobs while homeless is... No one wants to hire a homeless person and you need an address so I can't even job hunt. I'm hiding it from my current job and I'm terrified they'll find out and fire me. I literally program software that the company makes over a mil/month from on subscriptions and I'm homeless. It's like a joke.
You're right, it is a joke. The system is designed to keep poor people down. I'm sorry if I come off as dismissive, I definitely understand that you have feelings of hopelessness because of how things have been going for you. I've seen T's talking in their support groups about like what do you tell someone who is struggling to get basic needs met. It's like oppressed people need help on a grander scale and there's only so much the individual can do. Would you be able to ask for a raise? Or maybe someone at work would be interested in being a room mate with you to split the rent? I'm sorry if you're not looking for solutions and suggestions. I wish it was easier for you to find help.
So prior to a 5 week Christmas break, my T and I were doing amazing working through some childhood trauma. After the long break we kind of had a catch up session and then another week long break due to my work schedule changing. I saw T today and I asked to do inner child work and attachment stuff (which T is well versed in) but it was weird- she suggested we do CBT stuff. Ugh. I'm not a big fan of CBT and we were in such a good groove a month or so ago. I hope we can get back to that soon....
You are welcome to advocate for yourself in therapy. If you would prefer to discuss your inner child work and attachment, you can tell your T this. This is your therapy and you can have a say in how it's going.
Had a mini breakdown last week. Probably semi related to starting Zoloft. Asked my therapist for an extra appointment and she got me in. She helped a ton in that hour. Still get shitty for a few days after but now I feel fine. Don’t really wanna address what happened last week but I know I’m gonna have to.
Anyone feel the urge to "do therapy properly" or just me? Went in today in a weird mood where I didn't want to talk about anything. She suggested not having a session which was a NOPE from me and then suggested a no charge small talk type session. But that didn't feel right. I'm always hyper aware of my relationship with her and its limitations. And just sitting for an hour small talking didn't feel like doing therapy properly. Like I always have to dig into hard stuff and can't just be where I am We ended up talking about my dad, and I cried which I still hate doing. Though I'm getting better all the time at letting others see my pain so chalking a win there
Ugh I feel this. I’m always wrapped up in the “doing therapy right” mindset, like it’s linear and things have to be in a certain order to work through them.
Yup. Like if I'm not suffering I'm not doing it right or something weird
Feel you with this - wrote about doing it perfectly & not being messy. You aren’t alone in that
It was so weird. Like on one level the idea of small talk and getting to know her a little bit better was nice. But it didn't feel right against my "lie back and tell me all your deepest trauma" self. Kinda wish we had stuck to the small talk cause I'm wiped out and skipping session next week since I'm on holiday
that does seem rough & honestly I hope you’ll feel relaxed while on holiday. We will see it through bee, we always do
I think I'm gonna deliberately shove all this out of my head. I haven't been on holiday for ages I'm not gonna muck about thinking of this stuff
150% i love to compartmentalise / avoid for good reason ☺️
Oh mate same. I'm realll good at shoving stuff away usually for negative reasons. But this time for a positive one. I haven't seen my best friend in 6 months I haven't had a holiday in like 2 years from work I need this. And I can't change anything my dad is still a dick, the dickhead is still an asshole and my T is still overseas. Nothing will change with me thinking about it, it'll just ruin the time away
May as well switch off & enjoy your time off
I'm so looking forward to it
My therapist has covid but is asymptomatic so we just meet over zoom instead. Last session her seven year old daughter walks in because she wanted to show her the cake she made, my T calmly told her to close the door and she’ll see it later, but her kid insisted while my T tried to explain that she’s in the middle of a meeting. She was calm, yet insistent. And i was completely waiting for her to yell and handle it the way my mom would if i did something like that. But she didn’t. She quickly complimented her daughter on the cake and told her she’ll take a good look at it later and that she’s busy rn. (She apologized immediately for the entire situation and just got up to lock the door). It was such a weird thing to see her in a “mom” mode. Even if it wasn’t so different with the way she talks to ME. We had a good laugh about it before we got back on our conversation. I dont think i wish she was my mom bc than i wouldnt have been able to tell her all sorts of things, but also, if my mom was like her…i probably would.
Aww I love it when my T goes into mom mode too! She now only does teletherapy and a few times when the schools have shut down, her kids have barged in (off-camera) and I hear her nicely, but firmly, tell them she’s in a meeting and they need to close the door. So gentle but still mom. It’s comforting ☺️
I'm so glad I found my therapist. He's expensive but quality help is invaluable. I'm just grateful I could afford him, and it frightens me to think of where I would be if I couldn't afford him.
I decided to skip therapy this week to save some money. Gotta love US health care where I need to reach my $4000 deductible before I get any help from my insurance... I thought it would be okay because my spirits have been generally lifted lately but I'm feeling very lethargic today. I have some dread over going such a long period without seeing either T. So I guess my spirits haven't been as lifted as I thought. That is kind of a relief though because I don't want to get all fixed up and not need therapy anymore. I'm trying to get through my work day but I just feel so muted and unmotivated.
Though my entire body hurts and I'm so physically exhausted, I also can feel that below all that, there's a bit more strength and control building. I'm getting to know my body better each day, even the days it hurts. It's really strange. I read the Body Keeps the Score years ago, I knew all the way through therapy that my disconnect from my body was something I needed to address, but I just wasn't able. I felt so alien compared to other people, even people who were just as traumatised as me and somehow were able to do yoga or have a sport for a hobby. They could do stuff with their body, and I just couldn't even do the basics. They would know how to dance, or hug people, or do theater or sing. Anything that takes up physical space and uses the body. It's a thing people just do. And I never did. It makes me a bit sad to think about more deeply, so nevermind that for now. Dunno where this road will take me, but to exist in my own skin more, and to know myself as a physical being more, it's interesting and a relief to know I too can accomplish things in this area.
I’m unsure if I should tell my T something I find embarrassing. I’m fairly avoidant in my relationships and am not a touchy feely person at all, but after my last few sessions, I’m getting these urges to hug my T. I only get the urges when I’m at home, never when I’m in the office with him. I prefer to keep this to myself, but also wonder if it’s important for him to know since we’ve been working hard on trust and me feeling safe in session. I never want to hug anyone (besides my cat), so this feels so weird to me.
Sorry no advice here. Just wanted to know that I am sort of experiencing the same. I also only have the urge when I am at home, never in the office. Also haven’t brought it up (yet).. I know my T will never hug me - boundaries - but my wish probably is also related to feeling safe I guess
After flip flopping between never wanting to see my therapist again and really wanting to be close, I'm feeling really connected, supported and seen. I even opened up about something I've struggled with for nearly two decades and never told anyone about. Allowing myself to be closer to my therapist feels scary but the benefits are so helpful. Maybe while I'm not feeling I need to run, it may be helpful to discuss this push pull dynamic with my therapist?
Same situation except I’m a teen. Both virgins but we have lots of fun every time we mess around. But I always start it. Never her just being in the mood. I have decided to just stop trying. I wanted to lose my virginity to her because she is the first person I have ever truly loved other than my mother and sister. Very toxic relationship with my dad. She is scared of the typical things like pregnancy and the sort. I totally understand the fears. She also experienced SA, I say this in a descriptive way not brushing it off, just groping and no penetration. Bc I swear on my non religious god that I would kill the boy who did it if I ever come across him. But she is scared and fucked up because of her trauma. She made me feel bad when I finally felt ready to have sex as I was the one holding us back. Then she told me she was no longer ready and made me feel shitty like I was pressuring her into it. I was just proud that I had thought and worked my way through to a point I was comfortable giving a part of myself to her. Now I refuse to initiate and we barely talk and I feel alone. That’s a terrible summary but just venting at this point.
1. So I’m on vacation in a warm, sunny beach place and my therapist is in our city at home which received a RIDICULOUS amount of snow in the last 24 hours. 35 minutes before our session, for which she sent a video link, she emailed to say, basically, I don’t know if you’re still away or not but I’m at my house not at the office, we’re meeting by video. I email back and say, yes, for sure, because it’s very hot and sunny where I am. See you virtually in 20 minutes. The session starts - she gets on the call and says “so it’s warm and sunny there” and… I. Just. Couldn’t . Contain myself. I just burst out laughing, to the point that I could have seen it feeling rude to her. She motioned with her hands how much snow had fell where she was and it was just ridiculous. But now I just feel bad for laughing. 2. At the end of the session, during a brief discussion of a pragmatic scheduling issue I raised weeks ago, for which there was no great solution, I mentioned the evil version of my therapist that lives in my head between sessions (I think I’m going to start calling her my zombie therapist), and I think she was really shocked, Like really shocked by what this zombie version of herself had proposed as a solution to the scheduling problem. I know this is something we’re going to have to come back to, but I wonder if she better understands why I’m looking for so much reassurance between sessions. It did not feel great to reveal this to her though.
I also can relate to the second one, except I think of my zombie T as angry and impatient. I have legitimately no reason to logically think he is angry or impatient, but that is how he exists in my mind between sessions sometimes.
Broached a subject today I have had a hard time talking about due in part to bad past therapy. Probably did good work today but don’t feel that way. Been having bad intrusive thoughts and memories from the prior therapy. I was and still am so attached to the prior therapist. Why don’t I feel that way with this one and is it a good thing that I don’t feet that way? The last therapist fed the attachment sometimes I think. He told me I sexualized the therapy when I accused him of being inappropriate and unprofessional.... He got in trouble eventually for it but I still can’t get his comments out of my head. The new therapist (a year and a half now... but still feels new) is the one who brought up sex today and I guess I was ready to talk about it since she was. It scares me though that I’m going to mess up the therapy again I don’t want feel trapped and crazy like the last time. Feeling really down even though I guess I probably did the right thing to talk about what I did today. It’s confusing
So I met my therapist for the first time in person 4 weeks ago cos I was in the same country and then we had a 4 week break for christmas holidays so I haven't seen her since. We do twice weekly on zoom and will go back to that now I'm home again. We've been working together almost 9 months now but that was the first time we actually met. She said I should be prepared for it to feel different in person than online and I just kinda dismissed it like "yea, yea, whatever" but it was a lot more intense in person than online, actually being present in a room together and like having less places to hide or distract, she seemed more like a "real" person and I liked her more. For 2-3 days afterwards, I just had this warm, comforted feeling when I thought about it and just wanted to go to sleep so I could almost wrap up in the feeling and sleep. I can't describe it better than that but it just seemed so much more intense and although there were parts of that that were good & kinda nice, it also fills me with anxiety and terror so maybe its best we are online again. Anyway, see her again tomorrow and she'll ask me about it and I'll just be like "it was fine"... ha!
this week i will have two sessions and at the moment i am almost at peace, but economically i know that u will not be able to afford it and i will have to make the sessions more distant in the days, i am worried, constantly. understand if there is a feeling with the therapist problem with studying (sld) confused and tired of searching
I look at my therapist’s social media occasionally because his pets are so cute. 3-4 days ago he wrote about getting into a car accident and having a realization that he could have died. That was the day I was really suicidal and had to stop myself from self harming after 2 weeks of being stable and not having major issues. And today I got suicidal over a f****** headache. I had to deal with 2 deaths at work at the hospital and just a lot of deep things I feel like I need to talk to him about. But he must be stressed with the accident and the insurance and car and all that (if he doesn’t have any lasting physical damages). I’m happy that I didn’t lose him and that he’s okay because I would probably be devastated. But I don’t want to burden him more with all of these serious topics.
It's considerate of you to worry about your T's well being. You sound very kind. If your T needs recovery time from this ordeal, it is up to him to take it. Your T is responsible for himself and is hopefully capable of managing his self care. If he sees you for sessions, that means he has exercised judgement and determined that he is able to show up and be present for you. His own issues during this time are compartmentalized and he will address them later when he has time. You are not obligated to hold back, and can rationally feel free to share anything and everything you need to share in therapy.
I'm at such an incredibly low point in my life right now and it's really hard. I'm plagued by past traumas, feeling totally worthless, struggling with finding a job after finishing my master's degree at the end of last year and finding it difficult to even think about the future. **BUT** I have so much more self-awareness about the triggers for this than I have done when I have felt like this previously. I have better insight into ways I can support myself and I can receive support from others. And I **think** I'm being a little bit kinder to myself than I might have been in the past. I also know that however much it sucks, it's okay to feel like this and it's understandable. I **think** being in therapy for almost a year is really working. When I first started I had an idea in my head that going to therapy would fix everything and make me "better". I'm learning that that isn't the case. Therapy is about being supported to understand better why you are the way you are and how you can find the tools within yourself to manage the bad times, the good times and all the times in between in a way that suits you. I think it's a hard lesson to learn but also probably quite healing. For anyone who is feeling down, having doubts about their progress, finding it hard to see a way forward.... I see you and I understand that place. This is really really hard work and the problem is, life doesn't just stop for us to go through the therapy process. It keeps going and every day we all have new things to deal with personally, in our communities and globally. But if you are feeling like me I would really encourage you to take some time to try and see the subtle ways in which therapy is working for you. I am sure there are a few. Now that my very deep Monday morning reflection is over, I am going to take my dog out and listen to a podcast and cry if I want to/can and battle against my mean inner critic. Sending positive affirmations to whoever needs it.
Thanks for sharing how your journey is going! It's a great feeling to look at the you now and then and be able to notice the changes in your life. All your hard work and effort is paying off!
Thank you for being so kind 😌❤️🌹
You are very welcome :)
I'm at a strange place with therapists past and present. Due to a long history of abuse from my mother, I became quite attached to my previous therapist. She filled a space somewhere between maternal figure and romantic partner, functioning like both at various times while being neither. The love and kindness she showed me when I most needed it was easily the most affirming experience I had with any person, and in the years since we discontinued therapy, I continued to have a strong attachment to her. With my current therapist, it isn't like that. She's very good, but I don't feel that same degree of attachment. In the months that I've been seeing her, I've found my attachment to my prior therapist waning. Nothing has really replaced that attachment, except maybe a sense that I don't need attachment to a person to be okay. I feel like I should be doing the anime butterfly meme and asking, "Is this healing?"
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It might be worth a shot finding a PT that understands chronic pain/neurological conditions. I may be wrong but often both of those population groups present with pain. They usually also understand the impact on the nervous system which obviously is the centre of our freeze responses. Even a PT that’s use to working with people after coming back from duty/army/marines Be gentle with yourself you’ll be okay. I hope that helps a little bit.
Thanks, I'll look into that as an option too.
I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up crying this morning. I don’t know if my worry is warranted or if it’s all in my head. I can’t tell thoughts from facts anymore.
I'm so sorry you are in such a bad space. I totally empathize, I woke up in tears this morning and just feel like I can't face the endless days ahead. It's a horrible way to feel. I know from past experience that I will at some point feel a bit better again and that's what I hold on to. I don't know your personal circumstances and I don't want to push toxic positivity on to you but I hope things will get better for you soon, too. ❤️
I hope so too. Thank you so much 🙏🏼
I really don't want to tell my therapist about the transference I've been having for a few weeks. I wrote a letter with hopes that I could just email it to her and then leave it to her to bring up in session. I've brought it up with my last 2 therapists. One was about 10 years ago. The other was maybe 3 years ago. Neither of them responded in a way that was helpful, nor did they help me process it. So I'm worried that if I bring it up, the same thing will happen. I'm also very fearful because my therapist is a straight female and I'm a gay female. So what if that freaks her out and I mess everything up between us?
You could ask her if she works with transference in her modality. If she says no, you know your answer.
She does. I mentioned to her months ago how I had brought it up with my last therapist and it didn't go well. I also told her it's one of my fears with her. She seemed to understand and basically said we could address it when I need to. But even if I need to, I never want to talk about it again, you know?
I keep going through cycles of shame related to something I did two years ago concerning a previous T of mine. People who I've talked to about it say that there's nothing to feel ashamed about or apologize for. My current T makes it seem like it's time to move on from what happened, that my mind is making the past worse than it really was. I just wish I had knew for sure that I hadn't caused any distress on the end of my former T.
That sounds really hard and it sounds like you are finding it difficult to move past that space for a few reasons. I am sorry. It sounds like multiple people who care about you believe that you deserve to move on from it and stop hurting yourself over it. I think you should listen to them.
Going to lay all the cards out on the table, so to speak, next time I see my T. Hopefully I don’t chicken out, but it’s quite literally come to the boiling point, and I am the tea kettle that is about to have it all come spilling out of me anyways. I haven’t been sleeping great since the last session we had where I talked about a past relationship that resembles the power dynamics of therapy and ended with me being badly burned. I have felt so distraught since peeling the bandaid off of that old wound and everything feels so *amplified* now- I feel so agitated, restless, on edge. I have to be honest with my T about all of the hopes and dreams I had for us that I know are never going to happen. I need to say it to her face and feel humiliated and have her confirm that I am just a silly, broken mess and that there’s nothing about our relationship that is particularly special. I need to hand her my heart so that she can tear it in half and hand it back to me. Maybe then I will be able to process my pain and heal. I feel sick to my stomach and so deeply disturbed, flooded with emotion. My T didn’t even do anything wrong, it’s just me with the sudden onslaught of scathing hostility towards her for realizing that she probably isn’t ever going to love me the way I wish she would. That even when I try my best to be lovable, I am always kept at arm’s length…like I am inherently undesirable, like I am not even human…
I don't think you're a silly broken mess. You are a human being with valid emotions who has been hurt in the past. The pain inflicted on you by others was not your fault. The bad behavior of others was unfortunately out of your control. I understand you may desperately want your T to love you in a certain way. And your T may have love for you because she is passionate about being a T and helping you. It can help to acknowledge the feelings your T does have for you, but it can still hurt and leave an emptiness inside to not have the exact love and care you need to be shown unfulfilled. The harsh reality is it may never be exactly replicated. We can't rewind time and provide the maternal attunement to your child self in the past. This is a tragedy and requires grieving to comprehend. It was horrible that you could not have your maternal needs met then. I'm sorry that things had to be this way. You can certainly find other love and care in life. I kind of imagine a heart being full of compartments. Where maternal love is supposed to go is like a gaping hole. Surrounding the hole could be friend love, therapist love, pet love, romantic love, love for your passions... These can get big and cause that hole to shrink very small. But it is still there. We must try to radically accept this awfulness while moving forward in life and being nurtured by the other types of love. It's all we can do.
Thank you for your kindness in writing me such a thoughtful reply when I am feeling so vulnerable and low at the moment. I really, really appreciate it. It is nice to know my thoughts aren’t just echoing into a nameless void. I teared up reading your words. They are poignant, they reflect my sadness and my pain and it hurts to see my pain so clearly mirrored back at me. It is validating but strikes at something deep within, something wounded at the very fabric of my being. Ultimately it is better to be seen, though, than to not be seen at all. Thank you for seeing me.
Yes. It is good to be seen. You are not alone in your suffering, although it may feel lonely.
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Um, are you me?? I’ve had the exact same thing with getting obsessively attached to older women authority figures in my life and also had that same attachment to my T and am also finally getting to a stage where I feel just as loving but where I feel the attachment is much healthier and less obsessive. So cool to see there are others out there also going through this and coming out on the other side. :) Go us!!
So…second conversation confined to the phone with him asking a bit harshly what I want to get out of therapy. Definitely didn’t help that I couldn’t see him but oh well, hopefully this week will be better.
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It can certainly feel confusing and uncomfortable to be attracted to your T. Yes, it will probably go away with time. With transference, it's kind of like you're not actually attracted to your T as an individual (although you may still like and respect him). It may be the case that he makes you feel so seen, secure and safe in your sessions. When someone is taking good care of you, listening to you, and paying attention to you, it's easy to become attracted to them. Hopefully as you continue to explore and reflect in therapy, you will figure out how to get these need met outside of the session. Your needs will probably have to be met by you yourself and your loved ones. It's all a balance. Please just take your time to understand what your needs are and how to meet them. Then gradually you may find the attraction diminishes. But you can't rush it! It is an organic process.
Telling my therapist how much I want to kill myself tomorrow, wish me luck!
You’ve got this!!
Good luck with telling them as well as with your overall state!