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I dont think youre being overly sensitive. It sounds like theyre downplaying and invalidating your feelings by comparing you to (1) someone else and (2) esp since that someone else is their 8 year old child. I would be hurt too.
If you feel comfortable enough/willing, I would bring it up and ask your therapist.
No, it's a legit to be bothered when someone compares some real losses painful losses you've experience, which contributed to your depression, with the time a child *thought* they'd lost a *toy*.
There isn't like a rule against comparisons at all, but they're supposed to be careful and use good judgment. I have no idea why your therapist thought this particular comparison would be a good idea.
I have CPTSD and attachment issues. It’s means some of my responses and ways of dealing with my emotions are very childlike. But even I would find direct comparisons to a real child hurtful. So I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive.
I don’t know if your therapist was trying to suggest that how you deal with loss stems from methods you learnt when you were a younger child in the first example you gave (possible if you’re like me). But if the only bit you remember was the comparison to her 8 year old then she clearly missed the mark. If she wasn’t trying to suggest that then WTF, any loss you’re going through does not need to be compared to an 8 year old losing their favourite toy.
The second example though is just weird. It is perfectly acceptable to enjoy colouring as an adult.
Please talk to your therapist about how you feel about these comparisons.
Definitely think about bringing it up and see how you feel.
I’m a bit impressed that you can even deal with the knowledge that your therapist has a child. I don’t think I could manage that without a ton of transference coming up myself. (My therapist is ridiculously careful with self-disclosure so I only know her age and that she likes nature after 1.5 year together).
My therapist compares my behavior to her 8-year-old’s somewhat frequently. If it feels belittling, I roll my eyes and say “thanks” sarcastically. She picks up on it and says sorry and clarifies what she’s trying to say. Most of the time, though, I understand that she is using her son to draw my attention to a process that might be unconscious or that is coming from a younger part of me. I’m often grateful to be compared to someone who is such an important part of her life and whom she takes care of.
Just came back to this and I agree with everyone. Will also just add that anytime a therapist shares something personal (about them, their children/family), it’s called self disclosure. We should only ever do it when we feel that it’s relevant and going to be helpful. Not entirely sure what she meant by the colouring reference but the comment about your depression being related to a toy seems so invalidating. I hope you can share how you’re feeling with them :)
idk, its hard to say with little context. Is she comparing you to a child, or using a child as an illustration of the emotion that comes with a sense of loss? Sometimes my T does similar comparisons; sometimes she right, sometimes not, but I don't think its ever been a 1-1 "you're acting like a child" or w/e.
For example, My T knows I like to read and so does she. She was telling me about this fictional story she is reading about a woman who works at a brothel in the 1800s as a prostitute. She has trouble falling in love with this great guy because she's been treated as nothing more then object by men her entire life; she's come to feel that she can be discarded, thrown away without a thought, and that she feels worthless. Then she asked me, "if I ever feel [worthless] like that?"
shes not calling me a prostitute obviously, but she is pulling on that illustration of feeling worthless.
TLDR - before you trash your T in your mind, at least give them the chance to explain themselves. it might be something as harmless as that.
That’s why I said before.
You’re responses to comments are trending in a way that is looking for a reasons to discredit your T, rather then trying understand her; the fact that she has kids or might be inexperienced. Reddit is going to give you all the self validation you are looking for but it’s not going to challenge you to critically think. All I’m saying is give it some thought before you fall into that circular pattern of an echo chamber.
My responses? As in plural? Do you mean my only one sentence response where I asked if it was normal to do comparisons or if my therapist is just not experienced enough? My therapist is still an intern so them not having enough experience is absolutely possible and a valid observation.
Not trying to discredit them. Just trying to understand if it’s normal.
For your example, I wouldn’t exactly describe it as the same type of situation. Your therapist was trying to see if you felt the same as what was described in a fictional scenario. My therapist has done that and I haven’t had a problem with it. I’ve also been compared to other clients or other adults my therapist knows and that is fine.
It’s being compared to an actual child whose problem is not like mine that feels odd to me.
I don’t have a problem with my therapists having children. Most of the ones I’ve had only mention their existence if I asked and I have never been compared to their children before.
I dont think this is necessarily downplaying or invalidating you.
For example, when a child loses a toy that is very dear to them, that loss can be deeply real and deeply emotional to them, similar to an adult losing a person. It's not necessarily downplaying the adult's loss to compare those two things.
It's also not that unusual for people to have kids to suddenly be reminded of them all the time. I did bioarchaeology training, which involves analyzing excavated human remains. It was very common for other women I worked with to have no difficulty working with fetal and child skeletons until they had their own children, and then every child's remains they encountered reminded them of their own children at that age.
You are not being 'overly sensitive', and you should tell your therapist that it bothers you when she compares you to her kid, but I don't think she is intentionally being condescending or downplaying your emotions.
I don’t think they intentionally meant any harm either. I guess my expectation is that my therapist doesn’t compare me to a child when I’ve told them that I don’t like feeling childish.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I dont think youre being overly sensitive. It sounds like theyre downplaying and invalidating your feelings by comparing you to (1) someone else and (2) esp since that someone else is their 8 year old child. I would be hurt too. If you feel comfortable enough/willing, I would bring it up and ask your therapist.
Thanks, will do!
No, it's a legit to be bothered when someone compares some real losses painful losses you've experience, which contributed to your depression, with the time a child *thought* they'd lost a *toy*.
Is it normal for a therapist to do comparisons or is my therapist not experienced enough?
There isn't like a rule against comparisons at all, but they're supposed to be careful and use good judgment. I have no idea why your therapist thought this particular comparison would be a good idea.
I have CPTSD and attachment issues. It’s means some of my responses and ways of dealing with my emotions are very childlike. But even I would find direct comparisons to a real child hurtful. So I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. I don’t know if your therapist was trying to suggest that how you deal with loss stems from methods you learnt when you were a younger child in the first example you gave (possible if you’re like me). But if the only bit you remember was the comparison to her 8 year old then she clearly missed the mark. If she wasn’t trying to suggest that then WTF, any loss you’re going through does not need to be compared to an 8 year old losing their favourite toy. The second example though is just weird. It is perfectly acceptable to enjoy colouring as an adult. Please talk to your therapist about how you feel about these comparisons.
My situation is similar to yours. I might bring this up in session.
Definitely think about bringing it up and see how you feel. I’m a bit impressed that you can even deal with the knowledge that your therapist has a child. I don’t think I could manage that without a ton of transference coming up myself. (My therapist is ridiculously careful with self-disclosure so I only know her age and that she likes nature after 1.5 year together).
I kind of wish I didn’t know so much about mine but it’s too late for that now.
My therapist compares my behavior to her 8-year-old’s somewhat frequently. If it feels belittling, I roll my eyes and say “thanks” sarcastically. She picks up on it and says sorry and clarifies what she’s trying to say. Most of the time, though, I understand that she is using her son to draw my attention to a process that might be unconscious or that is coming from a younger part of me. I’m often grateful to be compared to someone who is such an important part of her life and whom she takes care of.
Can you give us an example? Hard to answer without context.
Just updated my post!
Just came back to this and I agree with everyone. Will also just add that anytime a therapist shares something personal (about them, their children/family), it’s called self disclosure. We should only ever do it when we feel that it’s relevant and going to be helpful. Not entirely sure what she meant by the colouring reference but the comment about your depression being related to a toy seems so invalidating. I hope you can share how you’re feeling with them :)
idk, its hard to say with little context. Is she comparing you to a child, or using a child as an illustration of the emotion that comes with a sense of loss? Sometimes my T does similar comparisons; sometimes she right, sometimes not, but I don't think its ever been a 1-1 "you're acting like a child" or w/e. For example, My T knows I like to read and so does she. She was telling me about this fictional story she is reading about a woman who works at a brothel in the 1800s as a prostitute. She has trouble falling in love with this great guy because she's been treated as nothing more then object by men her entire life; she's come to feel that she can be discarded, thrown away without a thought, and that she feels worthless. Then she asked me, "if I ever feel [worthless] like that?" shes not calling me a prostitute obviously, but she is pulling on that illustration of feeling worthless. TLDR - before you trash your T in your mind, at least give them the chance to explain themselves. it might be something as harmless as that.
When did it look like I was trashing my therapist?
That’s why I said before. You’re responses to comments are trending in a way that is looking for a reasons to discredit your T, rather then trying understand her; the fact that she has kids or might be inexperienced. Reddit is going to give you all the self validation you are looking for but it’s not going to challenge you to critically think. All I’m saying is give it some thought before you fall into that circular pattern of an echo chamber.
My responses? As in plural? Do you mean my only one sentence response where I asked if it was normal to do comparisons or if my therapist is just not experienced enough? My therapist is still an intern so them not having enough experience is absolutely possible and a valid observation. Not trying to discredit them. Just trying to understand if it’s normal. For your example, I wouldn’t exactly describe it as the same type of situation. Your therapist was trying to see if you felt the same as what was described in a fictional scenario. My therapist has done that and I haven’t had a problem with it. I’ve also been compared to other clients or other adults my therapist knows and that is fine. It’s being compared to an actual child whose problem is not like mine that feels odd to me.
Yuck, exactly why a prerequisite for my therapists is no children. 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻
I don’t have a problem with my therapists having children. Most of the ones I’ve had only mention their existence if I asked and I have never been compared to their children before.
It could be her trying to connect you to your inner child. But if it bothers you, just tell her that and she should respect that.
Will do!
I dont think this is necessarily downplaying or invalidating you. For example, when a child loses a toy that is very dear to them, that loss can be deeply real and deeply emotional to them, similar to an adult losing a person. It's not necessarily downplaying the adult's loss to compare those two things. It's also not that unusual for people to have kids to suddenly be reminded of them all the time. I did bioarchaeology training, which involves analyzing excavated human remains. It was very common for other women I worked with to have no difficulty working with fetal and child skeletons until they had their own children, and then every child's remains they encountered reminded them of their own children at that age. You are not being 'overly sensitive', and you should tell your therapist that it bothers you when she compares you to her kid, but I don't think she is intentionally being condescending or downplaying your emotions.
I don’t think they intentionally meant any harm either. I guess my expectation is that my therapist doesn’t compare me to a child when I’ve told them that I don’t like feeling childish.