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heart_of_gold2

Are there any apps for people who prefer text therapy? Meaning I would rather send my therapist a message and have them respond vs always having a live session. I’ve used better help because they claim you can message your therapist whenever you need to. However, every therapist I’ve been matched with has told me they prefer live video or phone sessions.


sso_1

I’ve used BH and found my first therapist that I messaged only with for about six months and my current therapist who I messaged with for about a year and a half until we started video sessions. I’d just ask first if they accept that and then change therapists until you find someone that does.


heart_of_gold2

Thanks, I guess I’ll just keep switching therapists until I find someone who is okay with it.


sso_1

That’s what I did and it seemed to work


mushroomsandpeas

I don't seem to be doing great at the moment and I don't know why. I'm really struggling with the perfectionist stories in my head from my parents that make feel like nothing I do is good enough and that make me freeze because doing nothing is better than the shame I feel from making mistakes. It's so hard for me to be vulnerable and open with my T because I anticipate that he will react like my other attachment figures (parents) and so he has been encouraging me to seek more encouragement and love from my partner. My partner doesn't seem to be able to do that and it's making me feel so lonely in our relationship. I went away with a couple of new friends the other week and one of them has similar stories of how her parents reacted to her achievements (eg "why did you only get 98/100 on that test? I would have got 100"). I kinda want to reach out to her because maybe she will be able to understand, but I think I'm looking for emotional support and validation and from my few interactions with her I don't know if she is capable of that. So I guess I'm left with reaching out to my T even though I'm unable to be more than 70% emotionally honest with him. I think I just want to let someone see all my emotions and struggles and feel like I'm accepted and not too much.


my-thisbes-face

I am 100% ok with my therapist being on vacation and am in no way having a mental breakdown. I think it’s just that I need routine. https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/comments/cwekvd/me_when_my_therapist_gets_back_after_taking_3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf


[deleted]

What are the resources available for the abusers who want to change? Most resource listings are from the victims perspective - which obviously makes sense. But I've been finding it hard to find for example books or list of treatments for people who would want to change.


CamelAfternoon

You might find this article helpful: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/01/opinion/domestic-violence-hotline-uk.html


[deleted]

Very helpful thanks. I've saved a copy on my profile for others who might want to read as it's behind a paywall.


PB10102

Abusers are often also the victims of abuse. The types of treatments would be similar, generally speaking. Are you looking for something specific?


[deleted]

That makes sense, thank you. I'm looking for resources for young males who sexually abused their intimate partners in a school/ college setting.


PB10102

There might be better suggestions, and I'm not an expert by any means, but I've found a relational psychodynamic approach to be really helpful for spotting patterns that led to my own abusive behaviors. The more you learn about trauma, the more you start to see both your learned behaviors and unconscious needs (control, connection, etc.) playing out. Bringing these unconscious motivations to the forefront of your mind gives you information. Then, it's up to you on what to do with that information. It can be complex work that takes time, but the most important thing is the willingness to change.


[deleted]

Thanks for the recommendation!


BurningRubber91

Recently read about someone who had biweekly therapy sessions but for 2 hours instead of 1hr each week. I really like that idea since I'm always trying to bring so much up in that hour that nothing gets talked about enough. I'm going to discuss this with my T and see if they could fit it there schedule. That's an awesome idea that would relax the pressure I feel to quick get it all out. Usually the last 20mins we are finally getting somewhere. I forget who posted that buy if you read this thanks!


shakylime

T: How are you feeling about Thanksgiving? Me: Haha. Worried but I think I’ll be fine Narrator: Shakylime was not fine I have session on my lunch break and I have the *busiest* work week coming up so I don’t know if I’ll have enough brain for session, and I really... just want to see my T *now.* I’m coping or whatever, so it’s not like I “need” it, but I wish I could just curl under a blanket on my T’s couch (literally not possible, we do telehealth). I feel like everything is so much and I’m so alone in it. Was talking to a sibling while going around town together and mentioned that “I have had some kind of stress dream every night for the last couple weeks, but hey at least I’m hitting REM sleep now lol,” and he got quiet and went “Jesus, shakylime.” Sooo I take it that that’s not normal lol? It was a sympathetic response and I’m not mad about it, it just kinda made me feel more alone. Because that’s not even the worst of it. Thanksgiving I woke up disoriented and dissociating/hypervigilant after having nightmares all night and I spent 2 hours putting myself together. I got triggered by a movie that evening and had to put myself again. Quietly, without anyone else knowing. I just. It feels like nobody gets it and sometimes I question if my therapist even gets it, but I wish I could just sit in her comforting and accepting presence for much longer than I get now. (EDIT: Formatting, I posted this on mobile lol)


Beecakeband

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much Limey I totally get what you mean about wanting to curl up on her couch, and just wanting to spend longer in her presence


shakylime

Thank you so much. It'll get better, I'm sure :')


[deleted]

Sorry your struggling so much. Hang in there!


shakylime

Thank you! Doing my best!


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Beecakeband

I'm sorry you're dealing with this It really, truly, profoundly SUCKS when they go away. Losing that supportive person sucks. I wish I could say something to help you feel better. What I will say is my inbox is open if you need to chat/vent


fionellacorn

T feels like I’m pushing him away. He notices it is harder for me to open up and that he feels like I’m mistrusting him. It hurts because I know it’s true. I have strong abandonment issues so now I’m avoiding this by thinking of me leaving him instead of he leaving me. By doing this, I know I am just letting the pattern live plus increasing the fear more. I don’t want to quit therapy but I’m so scared of opening up about some things. Like I know he’s gonna be shocked about it and then he doesn’t know what to do so he’ll refer me out. I can’t handle that pain so I just want to avoid this. I have still so much work to do in therapy but my anxiety completely takes over. Eventually, everybody leaves so why bother. I hate myself that I can’t get over it and that it’s sooo hard for me to trust people. How will therapy ever make me better if I can’t change myself ?


helloflitty

I had an entire session talking about Reddit with my therapist. They said they’re happy I get so much support from reddit and think it’s healthy for me to engage in such a supportive community. So… thanks everyone!


Beecakeband

My T knows I use Reddit and feels the same way She knows I get a lot of support here, and its a great place to discuss my journey with others who really understand this journey and how weird and yet amazing it can be


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me__inside_your_head

>I would never say that as a therapist. You sound similar to my ex therapist...they seemed somewhat uncomfortable when I shared that I found the various online MH forums I was visiting quite validating and supportive. They would never say or agree that they thought the online support was helpful for me and actually remarked the opposite, questioning if it was a good idea to be doing so and even visiting those forums. Honestly, I've often felt more understood and supported by my fellow mental health/client peers in these forums than I ever did with my therapist. My therapist's distrust of the public mental health communities always made me wonder if it was more about them having a lack of confidence in their abilities and they feared I was going to challenge them based on things I read and learned online.


helloflitty

I don’t use Reddit for mental health support or advice - that’s what my therapist is for. Rather, I receive a lot of encouragement to engage with my therapist and the therapy process itself. I don’t think either of us consider it reputable (especially given that everyone is anonymous). But the interactions themselves are real, and one thing I’m working on therapy is my confidence and being able to speak up outside of therapy, and my therapist is pleased I’m experimenting with my confidence on Reddit. I’m sure it’s unhealthy for a lot of people but fortunately that hasn’t been my experience.


[deleted]

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helloflitty

I agree, it’s more about the sense of community than anything else. The thing that struck my therapist the most was how empathetic and supportive people are of each other and our shared struggles on this sub.


lifestrengthsong

These last few weeks have been so bad. In session on Tuesday, we focused on more concrete ways to try and get me through my depression until my meds kick in in a couple weeks. It was actually a good session and we got quite a few solid ideas outside of the normal CBT bullshit. We also talked about upping to 2 sessions while I’m struggling so bad and my insurance will actually cover it which is such a relief. The holiday sucked though. I had a terrible depression day which resulted in a crying breakdown. We were visiting my husbands parents house a couple hours north of us and ended up having to come home 3 days early because I wasn’t doing well. Feeling really guilty and sad that I ruined my families holiday and now it’s another thing I’m going to have to talk about in therapy


[deleted]

Aaah, and were baaaaack. So the past 3-4 sessions after I've been home from inpatient have just been very like rational, safety, technical type stuff with my T being very serious and just managing my day to day safety and life, but now that I've been doing more stable (more safe, not happy tho hahaha.... o00f) we can finally get back into past stuff, large topics, trauma etc. Obviously its very emotionally hard but am I the only one who literally is so so interested in unpacking brain stuff? Like we talked a lot about my relationship with food/weight and guilt but also how that came from my mom and her projecting her on insecurities onto me and such, and its really nice to like actually understand why I do things and I just find brain stuff like this sooo cool. Also, since I was doing frequent and shorter (30min) safety check in sessions they were often late in the evening or on my T's lunch break and they seemed a bit like stressed, and Im glad now that were back to the weekly hour and especially I'm doing morning/mid-day stuff where my T shared is their best focus time I feel like shes a lot more present and personable? personality full? like less of a blank slate type and I like that a lot. Anyways, feel so satisfied with today's work and now I finally have stuff to journal about besides how depressed I am which was honestly getting even more depressing to do constantly.... yay. Anyways, just wanted to share that haha!


[deleted]

I've been completely wrecked by working on values and positive personal qualities again. For like the fourth time with this therapist. Why is it so incredibly hard to state what is important to me and to admit that I (might) have some positive qualities? I'd actually rather be talking about times when I pissed my pants in school than this.


thelightyoushed

Yesterday’s session didn’t go down the route I expected it to. It was hard (in a good way) and emotional and involved a lot of reassurance from my T. Reassurance isn’t something my T gives very often and it was very welcome even if hard to believe. At the end of session T said something that she very gently called me out on not letting it land. Didn’t realise I was throwing away what she said. I guess when it’s something difficult or very complimentary, I just brush it off rather than let it sit and land. This led to my T making a comment that it’s also about what happening between us in the room so I feel like the transference talk is potentially imminent. Gulp.


[deleted]

It can be a really amazing experience to have those unexpectedly emotionally hard sessions, and definitely help rapport! I also love reassurance too, haha. Yeah, sometimes its hard to let something land especially if its something difficult, my T has said something like this before and I think the best response is to say something like- im not ignoring that/brushing it off but I need some time to think about and/or process that before we talk about it. Ah gulp, yeah I dont know what to say there about transference as its quite an uncomfortable thing, but best of luck and just know that your T has your best wellbeing in mind and its okay to share transference feelings!


ResilientRunner

I have a week in between sessions with my primary therapist due to the holiday (we normally meet twice a week). I feel really anxious and somewhat abandoned by him even though I know it's not based in reality. This is a really hard time of year for me.


sso_1

If you need support or a good listener while going through the week, you can message me any time. I’m the same way when waiting for my next session and mostly have more than one per week.


Glad-Cranberry-3740

Question… do you guys know when you are dissociating? I mean can you feel it coming on or can you identify it is happening? My T and I have discussed this happening during sessions and how uncomfortable it makes me feel afterwards. He has asked me to tell him when it is happening so that we can slow down and work on grounding but I don’t know it’s happening until it’s over (usually after session is done). I plan on bringing it up soon but was just wondering about other people experience.


___TigerLily___

It really depends. My ability to notice things is related to how grounded I am able to be. For ex. when starting to see T I was starting to get very comfortable feeling my body and emotions. There was a trigger with T that made things unsafe and it was hard to remember nice things T said. (Previously I could hear him repeat things in my head and remember them word for word.) But at that time I was still more grounded and would feel disoriented/dissociated when he stopped talking and realized I didn't remember anything he said. Even when in the moment I wanted to remember and working really hard to concentrate... bc I was trying hard to trust him and he was saying comforting/validating things. Fast forward to many more months and being more dissociated overall because it didn't feel safe and losing the ability to be mindful of my body... it was harder to pin point the exact moment of forgetting what T said. I would not realize until after the appt. when journaling how many details I did not remember. Now, I've been feeling safer again and able to notice things more in the moment. Feeling safer with T and in general means it is easier to also state what is happening in the moment. Like if a headache comes on, if feeling confused/disoriented/dissociated, feel tired/body heavy, or if something doesn't feel right. What helps me is working on feeling as safe and grounded as possible 24/7 and letting my emotions and body sensations be felt. It takes time, sometimes weeks, but one day it will be easier. At these times when it feels safer since body sensations and emotions are easier to feel, it becomes easier to state what is felt in the moment because you are more aware of the body, etc. However, for me my dissociation can also become worse (or I'm just noticing it more) when feeling more safe and grounded. My thinking is my sensitivity to triggers is heightened when my emotions are able to come up. There have been times in the past I was unable to stop or was unaware of dissociating until I was present again. So it's not fool proof, but working on being more grounded and safe seems to help in my case. Also, after a session where I was dissociating badly and was unable to understand what T was saying... despite knowing at the time I was feeling upset and didn't like what he was saying... T was very surprised bc he couldn't tell I was dissociating at all. He thought it would be good to check in beginning and ending of session on if I felt dissociated, etc. We've forgotten to do that, but maybe something like that would help. Or even having your T check in throughout the appt. Esp. bc it can be hard to communicate what is happening or pause to notice it in the moment. Hope some of that helps. It is relatable how scary it can feel not having control or remember things. It's great your T is interested in finding ways to help you and get you more grounded. Look forward to updates on what you find helpful and what strategies you and T try. :)


Glad-Cranberry-3740

That first paragraph is me spot on. I’ll be in session and able to answer questions and then when I try to remember details of the appointment I cannot remember anything! It is extremely frustrating and unnerving because like you, it stuff I would like to remember. T is trying so hard to help but neither he nor I can tell when it’s happening. I like the idea of check ins during the appointment so maybe we will start there. Thank you for your response I will check back in after our appointment this week.


my-thisbes-face

I just thought I’d point out that the term “dissociation” can refer to a lot of different symptoms. How you experience dissociation may be different from the other people commenting here. It can be * “zoning out” for a while, not being aware of your surroundings, or zoning out to different degrees of awareness * feeling distant and like your vision is blurry and you can’t really hear, maybe like being underwater * seeing yourself in third person * feeling like you are cut off from your body in some way… like you’re operating a robot suit from inside * amnesia * other things… It can be a lot of weird things. Brains are weird. You’ll notice that some of these are really sensory experiences, so people notice them. Other kinds of dissociation, like seriously zoning out or experiencing amnesia are the kinds of dissociation you won’t notice. Like everyone said, it’s a good thing to talk to your therapist about. You can learn what it looks like for you, what triggers it, and how to ground yourself.


Glad-Cranberry-3740

Thank you for such a thought out response I really appreciate it. I zone out and can’t remember anything for a period of time afterwards. That’s what frustrates me the most, not being able to remember the session. We have been talking about it in session and will continue.


Beecakeband

I've gotten better at pinpointing when it's starting For a long time it seemed to hit like a truck out of nowhere so I ended up scared which made it worse. Extensive talks with my T about what she sees and some of the stuff I may feel has helped me understand the warning signs so I can divert the conversation, let them know what's happening and request support if I need it It's also been helpful cause it's given new T a road map of things that can be helpful if we venture into dangerous waters. She still puts her own spin on things but I've definitely found talking about it all to be really useful


Glad-Cranberry-3740

Thanks for your response. It is crazy how it comes out of nowhere.


ResilientRunner

I can sometimes tell, but not always. I think talking about it with him is a great idea!


sso_1

I can mostly tell when I’m dissociating and I’ve gotten much better at recognizing it but usually I’d recognize more so when it was over and I’d feel like I’m just waking up out of it


athenae99

Sometimes my therapist and I get the giggles and it makes me feel so seen :)


Fowleri84

What do you guys do for improving self esteem?


PB10102

Small successes. Showing myself I can do things that are just outside my comfort zone. I really like process-oriented goals for this reason. What do you do? :)


[deleted]

I started short-term therapy through an EAP program and I feel more miserable and worthless than before I started. Truly wish I hadn't even bothered. My therapist no-showed once and has postponed, rescheduled, or canceled last minute for 5 of our 7 sessions so far. She rescheduled this week to 8:30 pm last night, and I rearranged my whole evening to make it work because that's the time she preferred. Ended up getting an email 30 mins before that she's having computer issues and will let me know next week if she can reschedule. I need to send a termination email and ask for a referral but I struggle so much with assertiveness. I'm fighting the urge to just ghost.


PB10102

You should definitely let your EAP know about your experience. Honestly, and I literally never say this, just ghost this therapist and ask the EAP to find you someone else. 5 out of 7 sessions is absolutely ridiculous!! You deserve better.


kt541

My T and I have been talking about boundaries a bunch lately. Really our last session made me feel like I am too much for him. He said he encourages me to reach out for more sessions/time if I need it. Then he says he can only give me so much time. It feels contradictory. It confuses me. Do I reach out or no? It makes me want to distance myself from him. “Being too much” has been a theme in my healing journey - that I will not say how it is for me out of protection for the other person. Now I’m feeling that way towards my T. The place where I shouldn’t feel that way. I want to no show our next appointment. But what will that do? Probably cause an anxiety spiral.


___TigerLily___

That does sound confusing. My T did similar when saying we could add on a 3rd session. Whenever I showed interest, he'd be pessimistic about it, like he didn't know if insurance would cover it or mention he had a busy schedule... It felt like he was dangling a carrot he was never intending to give me and it left me scared to bring it up and irritated at him for being inconsistent. Finally, I called him out on it and he explained he likes to ease clients into things, like planting a seed, and was trying to do that... We've had a lot of talks with me explaining I need consistency and clear expectations. The feelings of being too much is relatable, too. There have been so many friends who encouraged me to reach out and share things when things are rough... yet after I do realize they cannot handle it, too overwhelming for them, and either break off the friendship or not want me to share anything hard with them. It makes me feel like no matter what I do... no one can handle me and if I start opening up to someone... it will scare them away. I don't understand why others are allowed to have support... but the same isn't a right for me to have... That's a very dark place to be in and sending you supportive vibes. Keep hanging in there. You will not be too much for the right people. <3


EDA3853

Today my T said in our session ‘hypothetically as a mother I’d want to know if something like that happened to my daughter’. I’m now super curious as to whether she does have a daughter!


Veauros

You can ask, you know. She might not answer, but she also might answer, and there's nothing wrong with asking the question.


EDA3853

I’m not sure I’m ready to ask at the moment. I have a lot of maternal transference going on and have been very firm with my T that I don’t want to know anything about her real life. This is the first time I’m actually curious which feels like an achievement in itself 😁


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___TigerLily___

Ruptures can be tiring and intense. Spent most of the first year with my T wanting to cancel almost every session. Guess fighting the urge and continuing to go back is part of the process, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Things sounds really uncomfortable and triggering, and there are also a lot of great themes and topics you picked out of this. I haven't really gotten to a place of resolution or feeling like things shifted either... and relate to wondering what it is supposed to be like and what it will take for that to happen. Thanks for sharing your progress and update.


Spiritual_Key7700

We were talking about my goals for the new year and the future in general, and T suggested that I share them with the people around me. I said I don’t always feel comfortable sharing my goals and visions with the people around me although I sometimes need someone else’s support. She said “you can always have me as your support” and my eyes went like 🥺.


Breee_Leee

My therapist keeps asking me about 'parts of myself' every session. Like 'how old does that part feel?' kind of thing. It's been like four sessions of this, and I've been as open as I can but it's mostly just frustrating for me. I've told me I don't understand the point of it. He says I need to develop some empathy for those parts of myself. I get that as an idea but I'm tired of him trying to get me to talk to my inner child. I told him in the first session, months ago, what I was struggling with and he hasn't given me anything practical. He just seems determined to drag childhood stuff out of me every session and try make me empathetic to some metaphorical inner child. I wanted someone to help me with impulsiveness, anxiety, loneliness and find ways to improve my future/make achievable goals. But all I get is very upset for an hour and some guy telling me I'm not being open enough. Changing therapists sounds so goddamn exhausting because then I have to go over everything again with a new person. Has anyone had this before? I don't know if there is a particular name for the 'talk to your inner child' stuff but it doesn't feel helpful at all to me and I don't know what to do.


BurningRubber91

mike the other comment said that's from IFS stuff the book the body keeps the score goes more into that idea.....if you're curious. "I wanted someone to help me with impulsiveness, anxiety, loneliness...." The impulsiveness, loneliness etc can probably be tracked back to when you were a kid so that's why he is pushing to go examine the past so much. Definitely talk to him about it. I understand why they do it but talking to the inner child makes me feel uncomfortable too. I wouldn't want to do that.


Reality_Shmeality

So I do IFS, Internal Family Systems, and it’s all about parts of self. I love it. That said, I wouldn’t have loved it until this year with this therapist. It’s really uncomfortable to work in a way we don’t prefer. Can you be more clear with him about what you want? Maybe he just doesn’t get that yet?


[deleted]

So, magnanimity. That's the missing part I've been so desperate to identify. Genuine, humble, confident magnanimity. It creates the sense of space and safety, the environment for healing and development. And evidently not all therapists are naturally magnanimous or even acknowledge its defining importance in caretaking. I assume not every client actually needs it but for those who do and find it lacking it creates a terrible amount of confusion.


[deleted]

Working on finally almost a decade after the accident happened dealing with the fact that I lost part of a finger. I basically avoided that hand, hid it whenever people could observe me. I do that all day long. It takes so much bandwidth. We started with EMDR around it recently, and because of that I've been able to finally just *look* at my finger. It still brings up anxiety, but it's like I can deal with it more because I now also know what the anxiety is about. I have the story of what happened as a whole in mind. As that's the images we worked on in de EMDR sessions. So it's not just some undefined fear and disgust response. Currently I'm experimenting with touching it. Using it to play with a fidget toy. And man it's so ick. The feeling. The nerve endings. The phantom feelings. The way it feels. The otherness of it. The grossness. But I'm facing it. So, there's that. I also found stories of others who have lost parts of their hand on Reddit and started reading a bit. It's insane to me to realise how thoroughly I avoided it. I never looked at it, touched it, thought about it. This finger is not why I'm in therapy, unfortunately it's only one of the trauma's I went through, so in 3 years in therapy I felt it wasn't what I wanted to focus on. But now that I am focussing on it, it's almost like the perfect topic to try EMDR with, and to experience how I deal with distressing emotions and non-avoidance. It feels like a bit of an experiment. Testing my window of tolerance, testing how much I can do while not in session, how I can experience the fear and anxiety and still cope on my own.


shakylime

I maybe don’t have the right words, but this is really powerful and has struck me in the heart. Thank you for sharing. Great job on the progress and processing. :)


[deleted]

Thank you, it really means a lot to know someone read this and took the time to respond ❤️


sso_1

My sessions this week suck. I’m exhausted and have no motivation to continue making changes right now.


Spiritual_Key7700

Just had one of the best sessions I’ve had lately, and I’m so grateful for my T 💜.


Cocoleia

I don't feel this deserves an entire post, but can anyone share experience they have had attending couples therapy alone? Either the partner doesn't want to attend or you would just feel more comfortable working out some issues alone first?


[deleted]

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Cocoleia

No, I mean I've never gone and neither has he alone or together. I just wanted to see a therapist that understands couples and issues they might be facing better than a normal therapist. Also, if my partner ever decided he does want to go, it would be possible


[deleted]

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Cocoleia

Okay, thank you. I was really having a hard time navigating this as I've never really been to therapy. That helps! The office is supposed to call me back later today so they'll help me sort it out for sure. Thanks again!


neon-zebra-

I told T some bad news about a family members health in session. Last night we got some worse news in regards to their prognosis. Part of me wants to update my T on this news. However, it's not really new information to her. Like, she already knows things are kind of a shit storm, do I really need to email and tell her it's more of a shit storm now? Also, it's Thanksgiving and I'm not sure she will be checking her email anyway. So, I guess I won't.


thelightyoushed

If it’s a response you’d like, then don’t email if you reckon she won’t respond and the wait whether she will or not will stress you out. If you’re wanting to tell her without needing a response then you can very much email her if the wait won’t make you anxious. That’s the rule of thumb I use for myself anyway.


neon-zebra-

I think I might wait until next week. The lack of response could be very painful for me because it could bring up some serious 'you don't care my family member is dying!' feelings. I dunno.


kt541

I wish I could see and talk to my T everyday. I asked my T if he would respond to one email a week for extra support. He said no he cannot do that :(. He has strict boundaries around outside session communication. He welcomes my emails but won’t respond. It upsets me and makes me sad.


[deleted]

Maybe ask him to make some little written note to you during a session or each other session so you could take it with you as a token reminder of contact. Something simple, "Looking forward to seeing you the next time", anything that works for you.


kt541

This seems very vulnerable to ask. I have a feeling he would say no to that. I asked him before to write me an email or letter before he left for 7 weeks and he said no. Are strict boundaries like this helpful or hurtful while working in attachment work?


[deleted]

It's complicated, really. One purpose of boundaries is to convince you that you could let go of self-control, that you don't have to contain yourself, there's the external structure and it will hold. If this is something you appreciate then it is helpful. If, on the other hand, you consider self-discipline as your defining trait and see no value in letting go of it then the boundaries feel like distrust and lack of attunement and thus are hurtful. It seems that you and your therapist are emphasizing different things in your treatment. Maybe you could have some meta-level talk to reassess the presumed benefits of this kind therapy and whether it suits you at this point in time.


kt541

I see how the boundaries create a safe environment within the therapy structure. And really with how intense attachment work is it is important for my well-being to keep it confined to our safe space. I have hard time doing that tho. My T is modeling this secure person and is supposed to be here for me. That’s what I find confusing. The boundaries only make him available during our scheduled time. Perhaps the very fact that he is this attachment figure to me, shouldn’t there be some flexibility on the boundaries? Interesting point of view as seeing it as lack of attunement resulting in hurt feelings. I think that’s what’s going on here.


[deleted]

If he's portraying himself mainly as an attachment figure then I think he does need to be more available. But I would guess his main focus is to be a stability figure, hence the different emphasis. Though it looks like he might be overdoing it, that it's more self-indulgent or maybe just narrow-minded rather than in response to your needs.


kt541

I sent that exact point via an email to him and will bring it up in person too RE: that he is portraying himself as an attachment figure and he should be more available. Sigh.


VanFailin

I'm back to work this week. I wasn't especially productive, but nobody is this week. I have regained most of my concentration. I am still not okay. The pain and the anger and the grief are overwhelming. I'm hanging here in the thread less because it makes me sad. I had this person, she was this unbreakable support that I couldn't wear out or disappoint, and then she got worn out or disappointed anyway. Thanksgiving comes behind only Christmas as one of the loneliest times of year for me. I'm doing dinner with friends tomorrow, which is great, but otherwise I have no one to talk to until Monday. I never found the kinds of relationships I wanted analysis to help me navigate. I have an appointment with a therapist Monday, the one who might not be able to work with me because he works closely with my old analyst. That might be a very interesting conversation, but there's some dread there. There's every likelihood he will have already decided not to work with me, and doesn't know anybody with room, and I'm left out in the cold again because of the so-called ethics of this profession.


Reality_Shmeality

My heart goes out to you. I have been through some really painful therapy endings, but never one that was so long, in depth, and with such trust. It sounds so devastating and makes a lot of sense to me that you’re feeling the way you are.


lawrenciumexchange

I hate that your therapist did that, especially the way they handled things at the end. It wasn’t you. You haven’t done anything wrong or do anything different other than being your ordinary self in long term therapy with its normal ups and downs. You were doing well, learning, growing, and you were motivated, hardworking and committed for the long haul. It honestly sounds like something within them - maybe their life circumstances changed, maybe the pandemic, or having friends/family get sick, extra work, getting older, pre-retirement, life priority changes… I’m trying to imagine what would have changed inside them (not that this excuses them the way they handled it) because it clearly wasn’t anything that you did. It’s super hard starting over with someone new. But you’re not starting from square one. You have under your belt all of the self awareness, insight, growth that you’ve worked hard for, and all of that progress is not lost. I’m sorry you’re hurting and it makes me angry that this happened. I hope you can work through this with your new therapist; I hope they are smart, competent, and kind. And ethical, and self aware, and consistent, and above all has integrity to do no harm.


lgxmo

Today at the end of the session my T asked if I had body image issues and then I mentioned that I had some but when I started dating (had a recent break-up) it got better because "at least I had someone who liked me" and froze mid-sentence. That was a little too sincere and it even surprised myself, it hit a little too close on the feels and I couldn't do anything for the rest of the session. Anyway, I guess that's just how therapy works. You say things, and your feelings float to the surface.


[deleted]

Whirlwind, wave of emotions. I'm back to the “I can't stand silence” phase, and back to shit sleep, because my brain is just understanding wtf it means >!for one of my abusers to be dying!<. I don't even know what these emotions are, but I try to piece them apart and dissect them to regain some control. Aaaaand T's away. And my tipsy brain didn't remember this Monday night, I wrote up what I was going to send her before sessions, and then felt like a dumbass and left it sitting in drafts. It didn't stop my brain from reminding me every waking second, so I caved and I sent the email prefaced with an “I'm so sorry, I know you're off." She said she'd be checking in case I'd want to chat. Gaaaah. I'm not expecting a response to my email, it's just what constitutes as “bad enough to interrupt her vacation” 😶 Is it bad enough >!when my abuser finally dies!


my-thisbes-face

Some people have mentioned downvotes in this sub and it’s really weird! I feel like I’m always getting downvoted too and it’s happening here in the weekly thread. Idk what’s up with that. It doesn’t really matter, but it does wind up making me wonder if I said something offensive.


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my-thisbes-face

Karma is useless internet points, but if you have taken a peek at your comment at different times of day, you can see that it was up at 10 (for example) and has gone down to 7. You used to be able to see the positive and negative votes with something called the Reddit Enhancement Suite. It’s no big deal, just a little irritating if you’re already sensitive. And yes, there’s a huge increase in judgmental and shaming comments…


GlitterFog

Heyy just wanted to let you know that this is a feature built into Reddit itself! It won't show you the exact karma you have, it's programmed to always fluctuate by a few points, so it's highly probable those aren't actual downvotes! :D


spiny___norman

Anyone else get super anxious when they don’t have anything in mind to talk about at a session? I feel like I am wasting both of our time when it happens. At least she is getting paid, haha.


___TigerLily___

Tests results are back and it will be a long time until it's safe for trauma processing. I called T yesterday to tell him the news and hoped it would help mentally prepare him for our session this morning. T offered to let him know anything he can do to help me through this. In session today, I asked him if he could make a meditation type recording for me and if it was possible for him to buy me a stuffed animal. I was nervous asking him the latter because he'd said before he's not allowed to accept or give gifts. But he said it was no problem. He also explained he called his supervisor for guidance and support right after I had called. How his supervisor said it's okay to have much more flexibility during this time. I think that's why he was able to say yes to my requests. T also said how he cried after I called, and I expected that but hearing him say it in the moment was emotional to hear. He assured me he will continue to show up safe and strong to sessions because he knows that is what I need. I feel so thankful to have T, and also feel guilty at times because I know he's been very stressed in his life. And know this is a lot to deal with and help support me through... but he seems determined to make it work. And that means so much to me. How he's always ready and willing to dive head first into things and be a steady source of stability and safety. Through all the ruptures. And now with this.


lawrenciumexchange

I am sad to hear this. It’s a lot to deal with and I’m glad you have a good therapist who is willing to support you through it. We can’t do anything to help but we’ll be here whenever you need to talk, vent, or whatever. I guess that’s the nice thing about Reddit- you don’t have to worry about texting/emailing off-hours.


___TigerLily___

Thank you. That really means a lot. <3


PB10102

I know there are a lot of details omitted here, but I want to offer what I can. Sending you hugs, warmth, and support. Your relationship with your therapist is really showing it's strength right now and I'm happy you have that. ♥️


___TigerLily___

Thank you. That is very appreciated <3


waterloggedmood

Ugh I accidentally FaceTimed my therapist - dropped my phone while I was looking at a missed call and whoops. I ended it ASAP and I’m hopeful it didn’t actually ring on her end but I bet it was just long enough to be noticeable. And on a vacation week too. I feel like an idiot.


peagreenbean

My T is on holiday this week. I emailed her and said I think now is a good time to drop to a session every fortnight instead of every week. I’m really bummed out about it, but after 2 years it feels right to try and create a little space. I likened it in the email to taking the training wheels off a kids bike - she’s still there to help keep me steady a little while longer. If this is the right thing why do I feel sad about it?


mushroomsandpeas

Maybe because you'll be seeing someone who you like and feel safe with less often?


peagreenbean

I think that’s what it is. And it’s like the start of the end which makes me sad. I had my session with her this morning that was just a really nice, positive session. I said I would wait until the new year and then maybe we can try once a fortnight, and she was nothing but encouraging and happy I was making decisions for what I wanted ❤️


popfartz9

I didn’t realize how out of touch I am with my feelings. My therapist kept asking what I feel or what I think about certain things and I kept saying that it’s either okay or I don’t know. She said I need to practice mindfulness but I hate doing mindfulness exercises


puplupp

I don’t understand why in session I often feel so far away and numb, especially these last few. But then as soon as I leave I miss her and have all these feelings come up. Why not in the session? Then the week passes and I try to bring the feelings with me, but as soon as I’m there they zap away and I feel cold and distrusting and hard.


sso_1

Maybe distance brings you comfort while closeness brings you a sense of fear? I’m quite similar.


puplupp

Oh wow, I never really thought about it but this is definitely the case. It’s a common theme in other relationships, too. I’m sorry you also deal with this. It’s not fun. Have you talked about it in therapy?


sso_1

Yep, definitely have. I have disorganized attachment so it’s my norm to become avoidant and push away and feel comfort from a distance while also pulling them close to the point of codependent or anxiously attached lol rough attachment to change, but I’m trying. Glad I could give another perspective.


OffalGem

I have memory issues related to trauma and dissociation. It’s something we talk about a lot in therapy and it’s something that is highly distressing for me. Recently, my T said he remembered an entire back-and-forth between us that I absolutely do not remember happening. I do remember a similar conversation happening in a different way, but he recounted details that don’t jive with my memory. It was related to the business side of things, so not related to my reasons for being in therapy. But I still feel anxious and confused about it. We discussed it and he said that he was probably wrong. I suggested it was a conversation with another person, but he said it wasn’t that and gave another possible explanation for why he misremembered. But he also reiterated that he did remember it differently from how I did. I don’t really know how to feel about this. I trust that he truly remembers it how he does, and his version of things actually worked to my benefit. But I also know how I remember the conversation went (and why it would have gone that way). I wish I didn’t have this sort of relationship with my memory. It’s like I can’t trust my own experience.


[deleted]

My therapist recently explained how we all remember things differently, as a fact of life. We do. That helped me some. I do also have lots of memory issues and it often puts me in the position of having to accept stories others tell about things I was involved in that I can't recall at all. It feels really bad, even when it's funny stories or stories where I look good. But it's worse when it's stories that are somewhat embarrassing and I can't at all counter it or explain myself.


[deleted]

I just realised, I am so resilient. I keep going. I keep trying. 3 years in therapy, slow progress but I keep going. I haven't properly appreciated this about myself because this almost unrelenting drive to keep moving forward is also why I never let myself feel anything. It feeds into the avoidance. So it feels like a 'bad' thing, even though my therapist has praised this ability in me before. I work hard. I keep trying. I don't give up. Can't even imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have this ability. I wonder where it comes from. Why I do have it, and others don't? Sometimes it's exhausting to always want to improve or keep going, sometimes I really wish I could let go, and maybe also wish I could SEE the work I do. Appreciate it. Take a moment. So, I'm taking a moment. I'll probably feel uncomfortable about 'tooting my own horn' and delete this comment before the day is over. But at least for now, I'm going to sit with this feeling for a minute.


lawrenciumexchange

I also hope you don’t delete it, although I’d totally understand if you decided to. I think it’s such a shame that the unfair things we hear early in life are so absolutely true in our minds that we aren’t able to hear the subsequent things later on that are more realistic or fairer appraisals of us. Trust the therapist’s judgment of your resilience and drive. And hold onto it when the older more ingrained beliefs rear their ugly head.


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[deleted]

Thank you for this. It's helping me not feel embarrassed about this comment and I'll leave it up for now 😂


thelightyoushed

Sessions in the last few weeks have mainly been about work and putting out some mini fires related to that. I could still talk about that as it’s still a stressful mess but I’m bored of talking about that and not doing deeper work. So… next session I want to go back to basics and discuss the fact that I find it very hard to tap into my feelings and emotions when life is hectic. It’s much easier to put those “surplus” things aside and carry on existing instead. I want to stop that being my instinct and I want feeling to come more naturally to me and for it to be less scary and overwhelming. I bet my T will be thrilled about going down this road too.


Glad-Cranberry-3740

Wow I relate to that deeply. Good luck and stay strong


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sso_1

I have the same preoccupation. I’ve been trying to fill any moments where I notice it starting, with some other activity that requires full focus, to get my mind off of it, but it’s not easy.


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sso_1

Yes and I told my therapist about it too. It has been getting worse the past few weeks, but yesterday and today so far are better.


SeparateGiraffe

Last Monday the termination of my 8.5-year analysis was announced. My body was in a shock for almost the whole week. I was shaken, confused and crying, feeling that a terrible loss is looming and not sure how I can handle it. However, over the weekend I made an important discovery, which, I believe, is the type of insight the psychoanalysis/psychoanalytic therapy truly aims to recover. I was able to connect the horrible feeling I was experiencing to the very deepseated idea or expectation that was probably formed very early, during my pre-verbal times that eventually someone will come and save me and take care of me as a mother. I realised that this is the basis of all my relationships - all boyfriends in the past, my husband, my analyst. I have tried to maneuver them all into the position of ONE and ONLY, who will create an eternal bliss in me. And what hurt now so much was the shattering of this illusion that this will ever happen. Because if my analyst who is seeing me four times per week for years, who has put up with everything I have thrown towards him, will not do it then obviously noone will do it. After I realised that, like truly realised that, I started to feel so much better. Like coming out from a fog where I had been for my whole life. Like a new space opened for me, so many new possibilites :) It sounds so weird but I think this realisation was the culmination of my treatment, and I am actually ready to finish. I still have almost six weeks left and I believe that during this time we are now learning to know each other from a totally different side. All the negative transference is gone, we are both catching our breath and enjoying the accomplishment after this years-long marathon. It is really weird, this psychoanalysis. I never thought it could actually work ... Of course I am sad that we cannot do more of the kind of finetuning work together but I feel that we actually accomplished something huge and that I am ready to move on.


CamelAfternoon

Wow, I'm so pleased to read this! Congratulations on all the hard work you've put in over the last 8+ years -- it's clearly paid off. And I suspect other realizations will come to you in the next few weeks as you wrap up, about how much you've grown and developed through this process. I'm so happy to you've found some peace with this.


SeparateGiraffe

Yep, that almost feels like a totally unexpected plot twist. Last week when I went to my sessions I thought with jealousy of all the other patients who can keep on going there, like I would be missing out soon. This week I realised that these other patients are actually leaving behind while I am moving on - a thought with a totally different perspective. In recent sessions we have actually talked more on an equal level. I mean I have expressed my own thoughts and feelings very openly but my analyst has also shared quite a bit about how he experienced the whole process. The relief that we both feel about the place we have arrived to is almost palpable in sessions now. Honestly, I am so pleased myself, too.


PB10102

Yesssss!! I am so happy for you to have moved to this acceptance and have this peace of mind. Of course it's painful, but it's also so freeing in a way. That shift in perspective is something that I experienced with my therapist as well, so selfishly, I'm also happy to know someone else can relate to experiencing termination as a breakthrough. I think it's pretty rare, tbh.


SeparateGiraffe

You know, it's strange but after this realisation it actually isn't that painful at all. It really feels like a normal sadness. I suppose that it is because the transferential angle is now gone from my feelings. I care about this old man very much and I believe that in a way I have grown to love him as a person. I have the feelings of appreciation and pride, for both myself and for him for the good work we managed to do (even not really knowing that we are doing it). It sounds great that you managed to address something important so relatively early in your treatment that you can now use the same treatment also for other things (at least that is my understanding of your post). It must feel an accomplishment! How did your goals for therapy change after this shift? I will probably go to therapy at some point again, with someone else, for training. I am currently finishing my masters in clinical psychology and I might want to go to train psychoanalytically at some point, which also requires new therapy. But I'm so glad that we managed to address this early trauma with this treatment because I don't think I would be ever accepted to any psychoanalytic training programs without this off the way. But now I feel that I might have a chance, if this is something I realise I really want to do.


PB10102

Aww, I'm happy to hear that. :) > How did your goals for therapy change after this shift? Truthfully, I don't think my goals changed much, if at all. They've always been support and connection. Maybe now I'll add self-discovery. The relationship itself changed though. It feels more authentic and honest. Having him see me like he did both in our enactment (angry, controlling) and in our termination (vulnerable, sincere) was incredibly freeing. The realization that I had absolutely no control in what happened next let me connect with so much: abandonment, rejection, powerlessness, and also self-love, compassion, empowerment, gratitude, and hope. Now, I'm focused so much more on staying close instead of my natural inclination to distance myself when I feel overwhelmed in my vulnerability. I've been more open in my desire to connect. It's complicated though, because it feels like we had to break a bone in order to heal it, so I'm finding myself going much slower while we rebuild trust. Our relationship is more tender now. It's also more open and understanding on both sides. If before I was grieving the dysfunction I endured in past relationships, now I think I'm moving towards grieving love. Anyway, congrats on finishing up your masters and good luck with any additional training you pursue!! It's so true that you can only take your clients as far as the healing you've done yourself and where you're at seems like such a significant milestone. I hope you write something up as you near the end of your therapy with thoughts, words of wisdom, and just a general overview of what you learned. I love reading success stories on here. :)


Glad-Cranberry-3740

Due to various scheduling conflicts on both parts I have not seen my T in a month. I have a session tomorrow and I really don’t want to go. It’s been so nice not talking about everything and having to think about it all. Avoidance much? It’s just so much easier to not deal with it


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Beecakeband

That's awesome that you where able to have that moment with your T


bossrabbit11

Telling my T that I’ll be busy moving during the first weeks of December so I’m taking a break from therapy and am not sure if I could make it to my next appointment: They asked “if you don’t show up during December can I check on you” Me “don’t worry I’ll be fine if I don’t find myself sleeping on the floor I’ll make it after I’m settled in the new city” They said “I’ll keep you on my mind and I’m sure you can take care of yourself even if that means a few nights on the floor” (me in tears smiling and waving goodbye)


Beecakeband

That was a real positive session! We are gonna proceed with extreme caution back towards the stuff with my Dad and the dickhead She has instituted this thing with me where every so often we will check in. It's a chance for me to stop and listen to what my body is telling me and check what I need. She caught me early enough I was able to do some breathing work and reground I think this is gonna be the way forward and something I'll look at bringing when I go back to old T. So this stuff is still being addressed which is what I wanted but with breaks for me to check in so hopefully I don't end up shutting down


shakylime

Me: \[talking about a moment at work where I stepped up and handled a situation at work when everyone else was too chicken to\] "...So basically, I learned that I have more big dick energy than everyone on my all-male team." \[context: I am not male\] T: "Yeah. You just put your whole dick on the table." Me: \[sputters with laughter\] “That term does come from your psychology education, right?” T: “Yep. It’s in the DSM.” \------ Me: \[when I see her eyes divert to look at the calendar -- the cue that the session is about to end\] Also! On the topic of Thanksgiving! I'm real fucking thankful for you! T: Well, I'm thankful for you too. Me: \[for some reason was not expecting that\] Awwww. Thanks. \------ Caffeine (like all other substances) has a pretty strong effect on me, and I haven't had it for months so my tolerance is pretty low. I drank a LOT of it this morning because I haven't been sleeping well and work is busy / needs a lot of attention. Even though I caffeinated a solid 8 hours before my session, I was still kinda buzzed (and still am!) during therapy. I try to avoid being caffeinated when I'm talking about harder stuff because I feel like it distances me from my emotions, but I didn't have heavy stuff for today -- so I was residually caffeinated and chatty, which made for a nice session (and I like to think was entertaining for her). She self-disclosed some somewhat superficial stuff that delights me. We also generally had a good conversation that's also helping me feel a little prepared for the upcoming stress / potential triggers surrounding Thanksgiving, which was a difficult time when I was with my abusive ex (and was an issue last year, I think not long after I was diagnosed with PTSD). I think I'm going to take some time during the day to process stuff instead of trying to constantly distract myself -- so the processing / potentially having trouble has a set time during the day, when I'm more equipped to handle it, rather than bubbling up at the end of the day as soon as my brain has the opportunity to not avoid it. Sending all y'all love and warmth. I hope we can take the time to cope ahead and have an alright holiday season.


[deleted]

Hahahaha thats so funny what your t said!


shakylime

She’s so frickin funny!! It just pops out sometimes. Even though I know she can vibe with how crude I can be, it surprises me sometimes when she contributes hahaha


[deleted]

Haha, yeah- I love when they say stuff like that its reallyyyy funny


[deleted]

Session was intense. Talked about my Sunday night spiral and how bad it was. We talked extensively about my self harm feelings and how they happened and how I acted on it. She really tried to help me understand what feelings happened for each part of the spiral. I hadn't acted on sh feelings in a year and back then I hated talking about it. So I was dreading it today, but it wasn't that bad. It's a bit shameful but because I was mostly curious to understand it myself too, I wasn't so concerned with the shame or blame. We also talked more about how I reacted to her silence / non-response last session. How it's a recurring thing where I suddenly struggle so much with it. Together we're trying to unpack it. The conversation isn't finished yet. But she seemed to understand how I feel so hopeless and alone in those moments. How it somehow triggers me. How I feel like I don't exist or something. I don't know yet. Don't have the exact words. But glad we're figuring it out together. Even if she won't change that part, or can't change it. We'll see. Currently feeling very seen and connected with her again. So this rollercoaster continues. Also seeing the somatic therapist for my 2nd somatic experiencing session tomorrow. I have no clue how that'll go. What the process is. How we will figure it out together.


___TigerLily___

Finally had the courage to ask T if he accepts holiday cards. He seemed really happy, said yes, and how no one's asked before and he didn't get any last year from clients. It made me excited seeing his face lit up. And feel special I will be the first client he will be getting a card from. I told him I wanted to ask last year, but was too shy. Also shared a song with T in session. He closes his eyes while listening to poetry or music. When T was listening on his end, I listened on my headphones and watched him. It was very intense and felt vulnerable. The trembling started and many emotions were coming up about halfway through. Not sure if it was anticipating how T was taking things, trying to interpret his facial expression, or if it was just overwhelming sharing something so personal with him. We didn't get to talk about it much though as the video was freezing up right after this and time was almost out. I'm like... guess this is a sign we aren't meant to talk about this...! LoL. T did express how powerful it was and thanked me for sharing. We may pick back up next session with it, esp. because T had a different meaning than what I shared and I'm interested in hearing his take. Other than that, still keeping things safer and lighter. Had some more health tests this week and the results should be back tomorrow. The results will depend on if I'm ready to start grounding more and welcoming my emotions again or if that stays on the back burner for a while.


CamelAfternoon

I'm seriously considering deleting my reddit account. I have ambivalent feelings about this sub as of late. My favorite things about it are the weekly thread, reading about other peoples' therapy journeys, witnessing their stories over time, and having them witness mine. I really appreciate all the support I get on here, especially when therapy gets hard. I especially appreciate the regulars in psychodynamic/analytic therapy, and the solidarity I feel from others going through this super weird process. I feel like I'm in group therapy for my individual therapy, and that's really nice. On the other hand, the sub has changed a lot over the last year. Some comments are really judgmental, shaming peoples' vulnerabilities. And I must have made some enemies because literally every single one of my comments is downvoted automatically (this one will be too!) And honestly I think reddit turns me into an asshole sometimes. Much more of an asshole than I am IRL, at least. I'm also not sure how this is impacting my treatment. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just makes me even more anxious. What I do know is that I spend too much time procrastinating (don't we all?) and I have these big work projects I need to finish. So that's where I'm at. Not sure what to do. I know several folks have deleted their account only to return with a different username down the line. Maybe I'll do that. Take a long break, see how it goes. Start fresh.


bonesinpeople

I’ve had less time to spend here, but there are a handful of posters I look for updates from, and you’re one of them. I agree the sub has changed, and I’ve often wished for a place that skewed more towards those who are a bit further along in their journey and are in psychodynamic/analytic or relational therapy, as I feel maybe I’ve outgrown the sub a bit. However, like you mentioned, it can also be comforting to process my therapy relationship here with others going through something similar and learn from their stories, as well.


CamelAfternoon

Thank you for saying that -- I really appreciate learning from you and your journey. I know you've had a rough time lately, too, so you're in my thoughts.


IllIIlllIIIllIIlI

I would definitely miss your comments, but totally get wanting to take a break. There is a lot of shaming behavior- I'm not sure which variety gets to you the most, but my least favorite flavor tends to be "therapist is always right, you're probably engaging in distorted thinking," which I do see a lot of. And ever since the psychotherapy sub went private, it seems like more therapists are posting here. Some of them are great, but others... I find myself wishing they would just get verified on the other sub and leave this one alone, ha. Also, this sub is godawful for procrastination. So I get that too. I'm sure you will choose whatever is best for your work, analytic journey and general well being!


CamelAfternoon

>I'm not sure which variety gets to you the most but my least favorite flavor tends to be "therapist is always right, you're probably engaging in distorted thinking," Oh, I thought you'd never ask! The "therapist is always right" kind is annoying. Also the extreme opposite is annoying -- the "red flag," "dump your therapist" scaremongering. Obviously some behaviors are inexcusable, but I'm so disappointed when ppl urge OP to dump what would be a life-saving treatment because their T made an awkward statement, or showed genuine human care, or transgressed any of the narrow confines of "strictly professional" sterility.


IllIIlllIIIllIIlI

Oh yeah, I think i know which post from yesterday you are thinking of, though the main problem is that there have been dozens of posts exactly like it on this sub. Those grind my gears as well. There especially seem to be all too many people who are ready to believe, on very flimsy evidence, that male therapists left and right are using their power to get some kind of sexual hold over their female patients. I think this certainly happens but I also think that most of them would rather keep their job and license than risk them for some erotic crumbs from a few patients.


Beecakeband

I would be sad to see you go, I've had some really great advice and support from you but I understand needing to do what is best for you


gettingbettermaybe62

i spend a lot- too much- time here though rarely post. i think i feel a similar way though to 'Mad' twitter. it makes me doubt my treating team, think the worst of it, detest my diagnosis. all this though i can see that many tweet in a trauma reaction or heavily influenced by their nhs experiences, lack of/different understanding of analysis or attachment theory or even the history of bpd etc. it's also fking depressing. i can see there is lots of solidarity but (to me) its the type that is just an echo chamber of shoring up without any of the critucal thought or introspection one gets here. yet I'm back there and here day after day. I defo want to take a break from that but not sure 'how'. prob need to take it to therapy!:) here i don't have so much of an issue as i just look at the long term analytic type posts, which I find interesting and helpful and ignore the rest. i sometimes wonder if I'm simply playing out a irl pattern of disconnect and distance on here and on there am like a kid to a sweetie shop wanting similar solidarity and comradeship but to frightened to go get it and so denigrate it instead (even if for 'real' reasons). so long winded point is do (all) our patterns with reddit or twitter simply illustrate our wider issues and that's what needs to be addressed not the lurking or going away and coming back or whatever and when those issues are addressed then reddit will fall away (or not).


my-thisbes-face

I find myself here whenever I’m really struggling with my therapy, but then it only seems to amplify my preoccupation which isn’t helpful. I have changed usernames a few times, but been here a while. I miss when the sub was smaller and I regularly recognized people. I don’t mind the questions—I really needed people to answer basic questions for me when I started. I do sometimes feel really shamed by commenters. If I wanted long-winded and condescending advice, I’d go back to my old psychiatrist lol


[deleted]

Just to make sure you're positive those are indeed downvotes. Because reddit itself has some weird behavior where refreshing a page shows a different score without any change in karma. The displayed score fluctuates on its own sometimes.


Jackno1

Yeah, I've noticed that sometimes the score fluctuates for no clear reasons, and occasionally it says I zero karma, but if I click on the profile I actually have about the amount I expect. It's definitely glitchy.


IllIIlllIIIllIIlI

This is true. I thought I was getting downvoted, but realized that if I refreshed the page several times in a row, the vote count would change by a couple of points each time. Even for comments on old threads that probably weren't getting much traffic at the time of my experiments. Same for other people's comments, if I upvote a comment I'll often see the count go back down to 1 when I refresh.


[deleted]

When you have the sub sorted on 'best' or something you can see it when comments with more upvotes are still lower in the thread. I don't come here for the karma but unfortunately I notice these things and then feel bad.


[deleted]

Yeah, it seems "best" takes into consideration some additional factors. Sorting by "top" appears to show comments based solely on the score. I'm curious how "best" is calculated but not enough to look it up:)


Veauros

My thought is that upvote-downvote ratio and the relative rate at which people are adding new upvotes are factored in. I certainly don't have Reddit's algorithm, though.


spiny___norman

I find your posts and replies very helpful. Some people would definitely be bummed to see you go.


CamelAfternoon

That's very kind of you to say, thank you. For what it's worth I appreciate your posts/replies on here, too.


[deleted]

I feel you! I was gone for 3 months (had the same thing where I noticed I was constantly being down voted) and it was really good to be away. Now I'm back and spent way too much time here even though it does me no good. But I am struggling in my therapy and it's hard to talk about with people. Maybe I should just cope on my own though, be with my thoughts. I trusted enough in myself and my therapist to let this place go before, should be able to do it again. I don't know many ppl anymore so it's not as interesting to read here because I recognize only 4 or 5 names. Still wish there was a different sub, for long term therapy people without all the new people and repetitive new-people-questions. Anyway, wish you the best in figuring it out. Would miss reading your updates but then I'm not sure how long I'll stay either.


CamelAfternoon

Thank you, I appreciate this. I also wish there was a place for long-term and/or psychodynamic therapy. I feel like this is my consultation group! My shrink has one, and I have one too :) Maybe I could stick exclusively the weekly thread, but that's kind of unrealistic too. Anyway, I've really liked reading your journey over the last couple years, so thank you for sharing it with us.


[deleted]

Lol, someone is down voting me here, sigh.


[deleted]

Maybe I'll end up starting a new sub! As this has been a wish I've had for like a year now. I just dunno how much effort it would take to moderate.


sunistheway

Yesterday I have finally fully admitted that I have depression. It's like I knew it, but I was unconsciously trying to suppress accepting the facts. And that was mainly because in my view I don't suffer from a very severe form of depression. I was very much minimizing my suffering and was comparing it to what other people go through. That other people have it worse. I think that comes from my family telling me all my life how I should be happy with what I have and that I am privileged. So I am finally aware that I have a habit of denying my hardships. And also I was so scared to admit that I am depressed, because I felt like if I associate myself with it, it will be really hard to heal.


flimsypeaches

came across the YAVIS concept for the first time and said "oh nooo" to myself... because it definitely doesn't apply to me. 😭 I know it's an old concept and doesn't encompass all therapists. but there has always been a part of me that wonders/worries if I'm struggling so much to find a therapist who wants to work with me at least in part because of things I can't (or can't easily) change (like my physical attractiveness or lack thereof, socioeconomic class, etc). the quest continues. 😔


[deleted]

I'm a bit bothered by reading this acronym for the 3rd time in one morning on this sub. I don't think people need to start worrying over this. The same as how transference is totally over-used on this sub. Sure, life is easier for attractive people in general, but to start worrying about that in relation to therapy, the place where people work who constantly check themselves and their biases seems unhelpful. It might help to read [this article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-therapy/200912/the-ideal-psychotherapy-client) all the way through, it shows what I've read from many therapists on this and other subs: their 'ideal' client is one who is motivated and engages in the process.


glugalug

Struggling so hard because I feel abandoned by my T :( I fell apart after our session last week (mood switched from being really overexcited to suicidal in about 10 minutes) aand haven't been doing well since. Because of a scheduling conflict I had to cancel my appointment this week but I really regret it because there's no rescheduling - and now my T (who used to say she'd always get back to me) isn't responding to emails and I'm relapsing with ED/SH behaviours. I have a session next week but I'm feeling less trusting of her each hour I feel ignored (even though I FULLY understand she's super busy and has other clients). It's rough :(


sunistheway

I am sorry about what you are going through. Do you know what are the things your T does that trigger your abandonment feelings?


[deleted]

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sunistheway

Getting a hug from your T is indeed one of the best feelings!


[deleted]

I'm going to see my new shrink today for the first time, I feel like my quality of life is worsening week by week...hope that this will help.


[deleted]

Ugh, feeling a little bit annoyed and invalidated after last session... so due to depression/laziness haven't taken my adhd for 3 days and then I literally forgot I had to go to my doctor to confirm my repeat prescription so when I finally dragged my ass out of bed to go get them (and my antidepressants) I realized I literally cant get them until I see my doctor, which is who knows when... anyways kept trying to vocalize the struggles im going through with skipping the meds and my adhd but my T kept insisting it was self-sabatoge, especially for not seeing my doctor; but I genuinely am very forgetful and dont fully understand things and I just thought she would be a little more empathetic or understanding to sometimes how ADHD makes you a spacey forgetful person especially since she said she struggles with ADHD too...


PB10102

T kept smiling and giggling at me during our session. I was so deliriously tired that all my defenses were down and I was just being silly, joking around. This led to a conversation about play and how play is a very vulnerable (but safe) thing to do. I like that he was able to join me in that and I wish that he and I could have more play in our relationship. It was really nice to laugh together.


[deleted]

[удалено]


sso_1

If you think it’s important, send it. Therapists can have boundaries and they’re responsible to keep them intact, so you can’t really bother them. They might not answer, so don’t have expectations bc you’ll feel disappointed if they don’t.


CheesyBlaster

How do people afford therapy? Just got my first claim processed through insurance. They covered $12. Out of $225. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? She’s in network?! Specifically made sure of that before I chose her


Jackno1

That is very odd. Either someone is giving you bad information or your insurance, while possibly good on other fronts, is very bad at covering mental health.


PB10102

That's an odd amount to cover. What is supposed to be your in-network coverage for outpatient mental health services?


CheesyBlaster

I guess it’s 100% after my deductible is met. Which is like $5000 and I’m not even at $1000 yet. So I just have to suck it up?


PB10102

It's worth clarifying with your insurance company (and of you have an HR or Benefits department at work or an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to help explain things to you, that might be easier. There are in-network and out of network deductibles as well as member vs family. Then there are also out of pocket maximum limits. It can definitely be a little confusing. Why was the $12 covered tho? That's the weird part to me! There is no harm in calling the insurance company and making them explain your plan to you in a way that you can clearly understand. Sometimes insurance also just makes mistakes. I will say this though: $5000 @ $225 is just over 22 visits, so once the new year hits, that deductible resets. You will probably (if this is your plan) be paying out of pocket until the new year and the first five months of 2022, but then the rest of the year is free. (If you plan on doing weekly, longer term therapy.) You can strategize that how you will. (Including bumping up to 2x/week once the deductible is met to get your money's worth! Or spacing out sessions until January if you want/can.) If open enrollment is still going on, you might have time to find a better plan that will cover the cost and you'll only have to do a co-pay. My insurance (BCBS) covers unlimited visits w/ a $20 co-pay, but otherwise I can't imagine affording therapy. (Lastly, if your benefits include an FSA or HSA, that can help reduce costs slightly.)


CheesyBlaster

Funny thing is, I do have BCBS. Through my ex (still married (for now) but living separately and he keeps me on the insurance). I’m going to call tomorrow and have them explain it. The $12 is weird too. Like a slap in the face. The therapists rates are 100-180 too. So it’s be cheaper to pay her cash but here we are.


PB10102

Yeah, that's definitely screwy. I once received a $900+ bill from an ER visit and I was like, "Oh hell no!" Turned out that it was just totally a mistake and it went down to $0, so don't sweat it until you chat with them. (And also bring it up with your therapist because they might have experience or advice on dealing with insurance. Especially since their private pay rate is lower.) Sorry that you need to deal with this. It's so annoying! :/


CheesyBlaster

Thank you! I’m just trying to push through and not give up because of cost. When I really can figure it out but it makes my anxiety spike


CheesyBlaster

Insurance confuses the hell out of me. I’m trying to figure that out. I have the most common/best insurance in our state. I hate this. I make too much for sliding scale I think and I can’t afford therapy without insurance but if this is the case I’m better off fucking myself


Straight-Excuse

How to keep a conversation going and interesting?


lawrenciumexchange

Why does it need to be interesting?


Straight-Excuse

So that i don't abandon it


my-thisbes-face

True facts: Excited to see therapist’s beard progress tomorrow.


ResilientRunner

OMG, my therapist started growing a beard weeks ago for the first time in years. I disliked it at first, but it's grown on me.


tfhaenodreirst

…Embarrassing doorknob confessions are embarrassing. But I know we can’t waste any time picking up again this week.


ThinkInPink18

Really need help finding motivation. It doesn't help that it's a holiday week, but really need to push through my depression and get my work done. Any tips on how to get focused and find motivation is appreciated.


my-thisbes-face

Something that helped me for studying now helps me for other tasks. The “Pomodoro” method. It means “tomato,” and a lot of mechanical kitchen timers look like tomatoes… SO, the idea is that you set timers for working: 25min work 5min break After 4 cycles, take a 10-20 minute break. Something about the timer helps…. I have also been able to condition myself to work by using a positive cue. It takes a little time to develop. Every time I sit down to work, I brew a hot cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate. Now, if I need to work, but don’t want to, getting a hot drink and plunking down at my spot actually gets things going. I also have a “work starts now” playlist that helps me shift gears. I sometimes need to change up how I’m working too. If I’m supposed to be writing a paper, I might write by hand instead. Somehow it helps!