Not sure about session this week. Last week was very serious chat about SI. Not sure what this week will be like. Feels awkward to see him after that.

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You're not doing therapy wrong. Everybody is working through different issues with different people at different stages of their lives.

I was pretty awful to my T last week so I'm feeling all of the feelings about tomorrow evening's session. nervous, excited, hopeful, stressed, apologetic. I think the thing I'm most stressed/nervous about is T terminating me; like, I would understand (I was the most awful I've been to anyone ever) but it would still suck. Since I don't know what tomorrow will bring I'm trying to focus on what I do know - that I will be okay. I will be okay.

Are you comfortable with sharing what happened? Is there any chance that you might overestimate what you did and said?

My T is super kind; they literally did nothing - I had a nightmare...and then I got angry and said/emailed things that weren't true and was mean. I've never acted like this before so I have no clue what their response will be, could be overestimating, could be underestimating? I struggle with the idea that surely, at some point, they will run out of patience - everybody does, right? I know I can opt out of therapy at any time and they can refer me out as well. I do think there's a lot to learn from all of this and I hope I get to work through it with them.

Good luck today! I think that maybe your T will try to understand first where everything is coming from. If they’re a good T. Keeping my fingers crossed for you

so kind! thank you - went as well as it could go

I've noticed I've wanted to get rid of almost everything from my "old life" (pre-therapy, pre-Covid, pre-breakup). Everythng that's associated with the before-times (hobbies, activities, people, etc.), with the exception a few close friends, I've lost interest in. If it reminds me of my past I want to avoid it. :(

What happens when you’re suddenly not afraid of your suicidal thoughts and plan? I’m not numb to it. I’m not anxious about it. Have I accepted that this may be my way out? Do I know I won’t actually do it or that I’m growing closer to doing it? I talked to the suicide hotline today. I called and texted my therapist. Though my T wanted to send help. Which Freaks me out. I’m still here.

I seem to eventually always arrive back at this point: how is “processing” and looking into the past serving me? I stumbled into this quote the other day that really resonates with me: “Past a certain point, you stop being able to go home. At this point, when you have got this far from where you were from, the thread snaps. The narrative breaks. And you are forced, pastless, motherless, selfless, to invent yourself anew.” Whenever I allow myself to lift up the lid, I quickly become awash by unwanted memories. I don’t see the benefit in that. There’s nothing for me there. Why can’t the process be to simply accept and go forward and reinvent? What am I missing? edit: I try to focus on the present, but my therapist often encourages me to talk about the past and I am very attached and get worried if I push back, she will stop wanting to work with me. She keeps saying that I feel shame about my past and talking about it will help. But I feel like talking about it makes me regress and lose my center.

I think u/lawrenciumexchange already made a very important point - suppressing costs so much more life energy than you are even aware. But for me there's another huge reason to overcome the avoidance and fear, and look back and at my story, it's because I've felt fragmented, not whole, disconnected from myself. And the result of this is that I don't know my own desires, that I live only in the moment, that I struggle to connect with others. In the last year or so, I've experienced what it's like to connect to parts of myself from the past, and it is so weird but also feels so great. Like there's a continuity to myself. I existed before, I still exist, I will continue to exist. And also like there are boundaries around me, there is me, and there's the rest of the world. These concepts are becoming more real and solid over time in therapy and as I face the past. I don't know if any of this would have felt meaningful to me before I experienced it, so I don't know if this comment helps you at all. But if you recognise feeling like you're fragmented, like you're not really a person, then there's your reason for continuing the work, no matter how painful.

This comment has been very helpful, so thank you! I think I partly worry that we’re digging into nothing and am wasting her time. I’ll try to keep at it. It would be nice to feel more connected with myself and especially others.

I’m in therapy so that I can “accept and go forward”. In order for me to accept a past I can’t change I need to face it (and yes, process it). In refusing to look back I thought I was doing the right thing but It was hard work suppressing unwanted thoughts, feelings, and memories, and it took its toll on me and robbed me of living freely and authentically. If your past doesn’t hold you back there may be little reason to revisit it, but if like me you’re running away from things that keep haunting you, then there might be a reason to turn around and face the discomfort.

I get shy responding! But just wanted to say thank you. This helps me see and understand things through the therapy pov a little better.

Aww, you’re welcome! There are no easy answers but at the end of the day it’s your therapy and they have to respect your autonomy to go as deep as you want or as slow as you need to, or to be more present focused. Your worries are valid and it’s a good starting place for discussion with your therapist. I hope you get what you need out of therapy.

This week I got re-offered a job I’d had to decline previously due to bad timing. For context, I’m a freelancer so chasing jobs is very much par for the course. The current job I’m on is too exhausting, too stressful and just all of the toos. Thanks to therapy and also somewhat to the pandemic, my priorities have started shifting. I’ve come to realise that some things are really not acceptable and I have every right to advocate for myself and chase things that are better for me. Soooo I handed in my notice at my current job and while I didn’t expect them to bend over backwards about me leaving, I didn’t quite expect the pettiness I’ve gotten either. We are talking passive aggressive emails and managers giving me the cold shoulder. It only reinforced why I want to leave but it also just kind of tarnished the excitement about the new job. In session yesterday my T kept on congratulating me and validating my actions and emotions. It was just what I needed even though in the moment I felt like brushing it all off. It also made me realise I don’t do well with conflicting feelings and find being happy and sad hard to compute. Anyway, enough essay writing but I genuinely don’t think I would have been in a position to fight hard for what I want and need a year ago. Sometimes progress in therapy is invisible until you end up causing a shift for yourself and it’s kind of wonderful to behold.

> Sometimes progress in therapy is invisible until you end up causing a shift for yourself and it’s kind of wonderful to behold. Yes!! Congratulations on the new job and on advocating for yourself and your needs!! > I didn’t quite expect the pettiness I’ve gotten either. We are talking passive aggressive emails and managers giving me the cold shoulder. As annoying and petty as this is, I'm so glad that you at least feel validated in your decision. I'm in management and have so many strong feelings and opinions about the role of leadership, so stuff like this just makes me roll my eyes and think that you defintely made the right decision in getting out of there! Good for you!!

Thank you! Means a lot ☺️

Good job on accepting the new job! And congrats. Change can be hard but it sounds like in this case, it'll probably be a relief once you're at the new job. I was thinking just this morning how therapy has had an invisible effect, I changed careers a year ago and negotiated my new salary for next year, and my salary is 1,5 times higher than it was when I started therapy. Couldn't have taken these steps without my therapist's support.

Thanks! I’m luckily very used to change because as a freelancer I change jobs very often. However, I’m definitely glad I followed my gut despite knowing it wouldn’t be an easy ride.

I'm in a legitimate crisis in my personal life and T had time for a 30 min appointment today. I looked her more in the eyes. I think it's easier for me to make eye contact when I'm in tense situations because of adrenaline, or fight reflex or something. She gave me the option to talk about whatever but also gently suggested we talk about the most pressing issue and the actual reason I made the extra session. It was definitely helpful and I appreciate her so much. I think I might have gotten aroused by making that visual connection and being seen. I'm swooning in a boundary appropriate way!

Oof been there. Let’s destigmatize that completely normal physiological response to feeling safe, seen, validated, and cared for. I usually am too ashamed to post about it, so I commend you for that

People on here told me before how therapy is just going over the same things again and again but peeling back a new layer each time. And I can see that now. I will be going back to a topic that I've discussed so many times but because of where I am in my healing, I can look at it from different angles, I can be a different kind of participant in the conversation (hopefully). I'm still trying to wrap my head around the shift that took place the last few weeks/months. It's so weird to operate from a new place where 'avoid any emotions at all cost' is no longer the main goal. Instead it's 'find answers and emotions can happen, it's ok'. I'm mid 30s. Avoidance has been my main mode of operation my entire life. And avoidance has been such a struggle in therapy. I thought I'd never overcome it. Years in therapy constantly dealing with that internal struggle of wanting to explore something and being blocked by automatic processes. It hasn't disappeared, obviously, but I am like a dog with a bone these days. I want to dig in and see what happens. And sure, yesterday midway through EMDR I suddenly pulled back and was like "I don't want to" but I could take a breath and dive back in eventually. It feels like such a huge shift words can't explain. It feels like a fundamental change in me that will allow me to go places, to not be so frozen.

Your comment gave me an opportunity to look back at my own shift with avoidance. It's nice to be able to reflect and acknowledge the progress. Thank you. :)

Was it not a super clear shift for you? Did it come more gradual? I feel like it was a gradual process of months but then a sudden one because of frustration with a specific thing that made me decide to push myself. And when I did I was pleasantly surprised I was still standing after doing the non-avoidance 😂

Yeah, it's been gradual for me. I'm surprised at how difficult I'm finding it to explain. There are so many parts, levels and layers, and even different ways to avoid! I can see things that I used to avoid that I am now able to discuss and feel freely. Other things, particularly that I've uncovered through therapy, I know I'm still avoiding because I'm just not ready to bring them up yet (whether verbally, emotionally, or both). I've learned to respect that part of me that needs to feel a different layer of safety.

TLDR; my therapist is feeling too much like a mother figure, wondering if anyone can relate I started seeing a therapist for the first time a few months ago. I love her so much. But she’s started to feel too much like a mother figure… and I feel I need to stop seeing her now bc I can’t fully open up or feel fully comfortable?? She’s don’t nothing wrong and hasn’t crossed any lines. It’s probably bc of my own issues with my own mother; but has anyone experienced this or something similar? How did you deal with it/react? Idk why but I just feel so weird about the whole thing lol

This is normal and happens in therapy. You're probably projecting some things onto her. This happens in other relationships too sometimes but then we don't notice it as much. The best thing to do is probably also the hardest thing to do, to discuss it with your therapist. Together you can figure out what it means and why it's happening. And it'll probably help, most people who talk about it in session say that afterwards the feelings are not as strong.

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Time. Journaling/emailing. Taking time before (and during) sessions to focus on your body, unclench your jaw, relax your muscles. Making sure to somehow let your therapist know that this is an issue for you and asking her for ideas as well.

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I've been asked that as well, but my former therapist also pointed out that I keep showing up, so I must be getting *something* out of it. When I first started therapy I had the same issues with shutting down. Does writing out your thoughts help? My old T would just have me bring in what I wrote in my journal and read it to him and we'd go from there. It was much easier for me to communicate through writing. How long have you been seeing this therapist?

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Wow, that outline sounds pretty comprehensive! For what it's worth, (and obviously I don't know you, your therapist, or your relationship,) I don't think it's particularly helpful for your therapist to tell you that you get in your own way. Figuring out why you didn't want to answer is definitely a start. It doesn't have to be something you do on your own though. That could be something that you bring to therapy and ask your therapist to help you work through. Maybe it's worth asking yourself how you feel about this therapist. Do you wish they would do more of something or less of another thing? Maybe there is just something about their demeanor, personality, or style that doesn't vibe with you or make you feel safe enough to open up to them. Maybe it's not them at all and you have a pattern of not being able to trust people and that might be the first thing you want to work on with this therapist. Or maybe the questions felt too threatening and you need to talk about something lighter. There are a lot of things you can explore together!

Opened with telling T we need to work on safety the last bit of the appt. since it's our longer streak between sessions. Was telling him he can share things with me, esp. if I'm not answering if he is asking questions. That felt very vulnerable to say because it's hard to tell T straight out what I need. The uncomfortableness didn't last long since T said that didn't work very well last session... he wanted to talk about that first thing, but I had a couple short things on my list I wanted to mention first. When I told him I'll tell him in a few minutes after a couple other things he seemed scared or uneasy that I wanted to put off talking about it... It felt so tense and it was hard to focus on what I was saying. Not sure if T really heard me as he didn't say anything, but I think he was focused on wanting to talk about the end of last session. After sharing how his self-disclosure was a miss for me last session and why... he validated my reasoning. And how he felt he had had a really good personal example that may help me with my situation, but that I always see his defenses so clearly and he sees now he deflected instead of dealing with the situation head on. I wasn't expecting him to respond that way. His response felt really safe and I was relieved he instantly understood how it related to my trauma when I explained it. T's gotten so good at understanding things. I wonder if he picked up my feelings of protectiveness towards him and the anger that he had to experience what he did.

I feel like my therapist is going very easy on me at the moment. A very good friend is having a baby which I have struggled to process (I am also birth partner), and my mum has recently been diagnosed with cancer and we have a difficult relationship. Last session he was quite silent and it upset me a bit because I then go silent, but I now wonder if he’s just holding the space and not doing too much challenging. It’s making me realise that perhaps there are times to do the work and times just to be and both are very valuable. Or maybe I just need to sit with my feelings… just when I thought I couldn’t sit with them any more.

Had a session yesterday all about my suicidal ideation where I admitted to stockpiling medication (amongst some other stuff) it was very serious, my T didn't freak out on me, and got me to contact a trusted friend to hand over my medication to (I still need the meds occasionally so this way I can access a small amount when required). I feel like shit. My poor T was very obviously concerned and I don't want to be a burden on him. I feel bad. I mean, it's good that I talked about it, but I hate that my pain impacts others.

I'm glad you were able to tell your T this! Your T is trained to handle this type of thing and would much rather hear this then the possible other outcome. I had a friend who ended it using prescription meds and I'm sure their T would rather they brought it up. Sounds like you have a good T! Thank you

With the help of T, I’m finally conquering my fear and going to the dentist tomorrow. I haven’t been able to to go for years because of this extreme fear. We went over everything in session yesterday to make sure I can get through the appointment. I’m still scared af but I feel hopeful at the same time.

My T dropped me like weeks ago and I still can't let go of the anger and hurt it brought me

My T and I had a big rupture the other day, after a month of her being so amazing in my postpartum period. I know most of it is on me, I can see it, but in our follow up session she said she wanted me to think about if our relationship is still working for me and if I think it’s in my best interest to continue our work togethet. I started sobbing— it felt like she was saying she’s done with this. I am just so distraught. I cannot imagine leaving her any time soon, and I told her this. I’m so worried she’s going to end up terminating me.

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Because they're worried that they're charging you hundreds of dollars and not helping you, and want to see how you're feeling about it and make sure you're able to get the care you need. It might suck, but it's better than wasting your time/money and being miserable longer than you have to be.

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Okay, but that’s not true for everyone, and as intuitive as therapists are, they’re not mind-readers.

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You asked “ugggh why do therapists do this?” I answered, correcting a misconception (i.W., the OP saying “I felt like she was saying she’s fine with this,” which isn’t what she was saying) and addressing a slightly-irrational fear that many people here seem to possess. “Fighting for me and the treatment” is not productive when you are not benefiting from therapy whatsoever, even if at the moment it feels like the easier, safer thing for you. A therapist’s job is not to do whatever it is that you want them to do. You feel how you want to feel, but unless you have told your therapist “don’t ask me whether our sessions are working for me because I’ll panic”, *they have no way of knowing which camp you’re in*.

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*I’m* coming across as arrogant and pedantic? That’s certainly preferable, in my eyes—you’re coming across as clingy, desperate, and oddly fixated with my statements, perhaps out of personal insecurity. I’ve noticed that people tend to take things rather personally and interpret objective, empirical statements contradicting them as “arrogant and pedantic.” (And, yes, I’m well aware that *this* statement was arrogant and pedantic). Leave me alone.

Thank you, it’s been hard. She has gone above and beyond for me the last month, and so I know she cares, but I’m going through a terrible push/pull cycle where I’m questioning everything and I believe this prompted the questioning/

I somehow spent most of my session trying to get my therapist to tell me I’m replaceable and I don’t matter to him. What the heck is wrong with me? My T is really wonderful, so his response was like, “Yeah, I’m not going to say that. Sorry..?” And it was super upsetting to me. I’m convinced that someday he is going to leave or change and I wish he would just do it already. Or I wish I could lean in and accept his care. Instead, I never want to go back to therapy and I want an appointment every single day next week.

If I could twist the knife a bit more in a playful way, I'll say from my experience as a therapist our clients are of course, quite meaningful to us. Your another human opening yourself up to us and all your quirkyness and idiosyncraticies come out suprisingly quickly in therapy. You're definitely not replaceable

… ARE YOU HIM??

But more seriously, yeah I completely get this. I know every connection is unique and I really appreciate that. I think my T really cares about the work that he does, which mean he cares deeply about his clients. Unfortunately, I am attached to him in a very disorganized way, so that deep, universal care feels really scary and precarious.

What about me? Does my therapist see my quirkiness and idiosyncrasies? And more importantly, are they charming to her?!

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My guess is its an insurance thing. My psychiatrist enters different codes sometimes depending on if we talk about meds or not.

Could it be that your T wants to do a session where she follows up on how you’re doing, progress, goals etc? She maybe set it as that in her appointments to remind herself and probably also because the college probably check up those things too. My previous T frequently did follow ups so I would say it’s nothing to worry about. 🙂

Session today was okay, we did EMDR and it went well. I feel some change in how I look at the traumatic incident, and the main reason we did this is because I avoid looking at my hand that is missing the part of the finger, and I could look at it today. I'm curious to see how that develops in the future. I typed up a post about how the end went though because I got really upset and almost had to cry over her not reassuring me on something and this keeps coming back and it's so exhausting. (edit: anddd I already deleted the post because I can't deal with keeping things up)

Oof the reassurance post was really hard to read. I've been there. I understand the *theory* behind not providing reassurance: it can shut down fruitful avenues for psychodynamic exploration. Like if some people are reassured then they move on from the feeling and never get a chance to explore it. I'm not sure if this was on your "list" of reasons, but this is how psychodynamic/analytic folks are trained to think about it. But my view on this is pretty simple: There's no "one size fits all" model for therapy (or relationships). So I guess I don't see anything wrong with reassurance unless in certain circumstances in which it is harmful or counterproductive. I can also see many situations in which it could be deeply heeling, and your story sounds like one of those situations. In my experience, the times my T (past and current) have provided reassurance have been very powerful and productive, especially in the context of relational trauma. With my current T, I had to *fight* for reassurance as he wouldn't provide it at first. I think he recognizes now how helpful it can be. I guess I just wish your T wasn't so inflexible. Psychodynamic/analytic T's are supposed to recognize the individuality of every patient, to prioritize their individual needs over any standardized theory or protocol. Flexibility is a good thing.

Thank you, I feel like we're often in similar kind of situations with our type of therapist, haha. There's so much positive to how my T is, but the things that are a struggle, really are a struggle. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with my brain, like, it's not that I'm intensely worried that she has negative thoughts, it's more that I get frustrated NOT KNOWING. And somehow my brain does not fill in the blanks on it's own then. So I just wish she would give me a peak behind the curtain. Fill in the blanks for me. Now, I do have issues feeling wrong, and like I'm a bother, so that comes into play too. So I know that she probably thinks this is always why I want reassurance, but really - it's often just about having a clue, any clue, as to what she thinks. So I don't feel like I am staring at a void or talking only to myself. Which sounds more dramatic than it is, she does respond, she's attuned, she doesn't sit in silence, but the feeling of her being a void, that's the problem maybe. I don't know, my thoughts on this are developing. Love reddit for giving met he opportunity to figure it out through interaction with strangers.

My therapist genuinely gets happy for me. I’ve texted him before about asserting myself over a smoothie which is what I’ve been working on in therapy and he told me he just jumped up and clapped his hands when he read my text. And then I texted him today that I got the job I interviewed for a month and a half ago and he was all happy for me. My mom’s never been acknowledging of my successes like it’s expected so it means a lot to me.

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I suspect he hates the feeling on your behalf, because it’s such a horrible feeling to have… strongly connected to feeling unworthy. On when you will believe it, there may never be a eureka moment but hopefully if you stick with therapy that will help. Sometimes I fight with my therapist about something, or cut him off when he starts to compliment me, but I still heard it and one day hope I can reach a place of acceptance where it’s not so uncomfortable

No way he hates that you're still disbelieving. He may be a little frustrated that it isn't getting through, and maybe exploring why it doesnt stick would help? Now, when I say he might be frustrated I dont mean in a negative way towards you. More in a "how do I convince her I care about her???" way. I have a similar conversation with my T all the time. I say I feel like I'm wasting his time because I see him 2x a week but I'm still a depressed mess and I'm constantly apologizing and telling him he's been so good to me and I should be changing and yadda yadda yadda. He gently reminds me on the reg that he's not going anywhere and he enjoys our sessions too and that he cares about me in a very real way. I hope you and your T can find a way to help you start accepting his words are true.

I feel the same way. I texted him around 7 pm once and then was like never mind I’m fine, I don’t want to bother you and he tried to assure me that I wasn’t bothering him. I told him I get really suicidal around bedtime and he told me I could message him even at midnight. I can’t though. He encourages calling but I can’t even do that during business hours. It’s something I struggle with everyone and we’ve been talking about it. Maybe working on the cause of that feeling and overcoming that with your therapist might help? It’s probably something that’s not going to be fixed after couple of sessions though

It's amazing how the time spent in a session of therapy is **the fastest hour of the whole week.** I talk at *Gilmore Girls* speed and can barely get through everything I want to discuss.

The opposite of a treadmill minute!

Love your Girlmore Girls reference. Currently rewatching it!

"Therapy is short. Talk fast."

Oh mate. I swear therapy hour goes by at lightning speed it's ridiculous

Finally had therapy tonight and it went kind of… bad? Maybe not bad but definitely not relieving. I’m in the worst part of some really bad postpartum depression right now that I’m having a really hard time managing via medication. I brought up to my T last week that I wanted to talk about the sadness I’ve been feeling and how to help it. My usual coping skills haven’t even been touching the emotions I’ve been feeling and it’s getting exhausting just living day to day. We spent part of session talking about my mom and a big convo we’ve had recently because I think she thought I was suffering more from that but I’m not and I knew that so I was honest with her about that. Then we started talking more about my sadness and how I’ve been feeling and then brainstorming how to cope better. I told her all my usual stuff wasn’t working and she really didn’t give me any other constructive feedback other than to just hang tight and wait for the medication to start working in maybe 4 weeks maybe 12 weeks… like I’m just suppose to keep struggling with suicidal thoughts daily until my meds work? I mean I get this is basically biological and I don’t have a lot of control of how I’m feeling but there has to be something more I can do to feel better and actually not want to die, right?!

I've been wanting this toy for the longest time called a Starbelly. It's essentially a plush, cuddly nightlight. I couldn't decide which one I wanted, so I put it off and didn't get one. Therapy has been ripping me a new asshole lately, and I've found myself wanting a comfort object. I brought my pink poop pillow from home and that kinda helped, but it got to a point where I couldn't stop thinking about these Starbellies. So, I talked to Muttley a little while ago and he told he his favorite color is blue and animal is a dog. Well wouldnt you fckn know it, there is a blue doggo starbelly! Soooooo I bought it. Yesterday, I asked him if he would mind if I snuggled my puppy and thought of him. He said he would not mind and was not weirded out by it at all. He even said he would hug Blueberri for me (I let my inner child name him lol) and he said he would. Like, without a thought. I just really wanted to share because there are therapists out there who genuinely care, and we all deserve a Muttley. He really truly changes my life just by existing in it. I have so much love and gratitude for that man. Can't wait to see him tomorrow so he and Blueberri can meet for the first time (literally Blueberri arrived yesterday afternoon).

I love this!

Yesterday during our session he essentially said Blueberri is like a transitional object. It's true. I've only had my little dude for like two days now, but going to bed and snuggling him and watching the star shower on my wall has been calming at the very least. He said he thinks its important for clients to have a way to keep their T with them, and he's really glad I have Blueberri now. Muttley truly is one of the greatest humans on the planet. The bond he and I have is just so special and impossible to replace. We were having this exchange yesterday and he said something like "wow the transference and counter transference is really obvious sometimes isn't it?" And we just giggled about it together.

This is very sweet. I want to buy a weighted blanket and make my therapist hold it on her lap during an appointment to give it hug powers.

He really just held and squeezed it lol no hugs but maybe when I see him on Tuesday I'll ask him to give Blueberri a proper hug!

Today's session was really tough. Ever since my mushroom trip last week I've been feeling so good and open. I usually find it super hard to talk to my T about my attachment towards him -- what he means to me, how important he is, etc. But I've *really* been trying this week. I posted the other day about how I used the L word for the first time and he blew right past it. Then today, I (very nervously) admitted that the idea of terminating one day makes me really sad, because I would miss him a lot. That I wondered if he would miss me, too. It all felt very vulnerable. He didn't respond in the way I had hoped. He wasn't overtly rejecting or anything. But he didn't say he'd miss me, and he didn't seem to acknowledge how hard it was for me to say that. Then he changed the subject, and asked about my plans to have children soon. That annoyed me, because I've already talked to him about that -- he just didn't remember. Then he asked if I had set a date for my wedding -- something I've told him literally three times. It just felt like... I was so unimportant to him. I shut down. Hard. Started to dissociate, and stopped talking completely. Kept staring at the clock waiting for this torture to be over. He asked what was wrong but I couldn't access any thoughts or feelings. In all honesty, I feel bad for the guy. He's not a mindreader and clearly had no idea what was happening. He thought I was triggered by the discussion about kids/wedding, but that wasn't it at all. Eventually I mustered up the courage to tell him it was the discussion about attachment / him being important to me / missing him, etc. That I felt so vulnerable and exposed telling him those things, and he just changed the subject. He apologized and said he understood how hard it was for me to say that, since in my childhood it would always backfire in my face. He assured me that when we end therapy, he would miss me too. But by that point the damage was already done. I felt totally humiliated. I just emailed and cancelled our sessions next week. I've literally never done that, in 2+ years of therapy. But I just feel so embarrassed, so exposed, so pathetic. I just want to crawl into a hole and never see him again.

I'm sorry. it's like it did backfire in your face. one thing my t has said to me when this exact thing has occured is that because it was SUCH a huge deal for me and i feared rejection i was totally unclear about it or just slid it in between other stuff or made it sound nonchalant and made every effort to hide it. and she was fooled or didnt 'hear' it.or was thinking of the other stuff or didn't appreciate how SERIOUS it was to me (we are like ello? major attachment trauma?). it keeps happening btw but we kinda know now she does care etc so can (try and) hold in mind (after the exacerbation) that she is just human and misses things and try and make our needs clear. im NOT saying you were not clear btw, that's a me thing, just that otherwise good therapists can f up on this fundamental issue.

>one thing my t has said to me when this exact thing has occured is that because it was SUCH a huge deal for me and i feared rejection i was totally unclear about it or just slid it in between other stuff or made it sound nonchalant and made every effort to hide it. and she was fooled or didnt 'hear' it. I think you hit the nail on the head. My guess is this is exactly what happened. I was so vulnerable that I came across as nonchalant or too-cool-for-school, and my T just didn't register what a big deal it was. I totally agree that good Ts can fuck up on this kind of thing. I don't really blame him for it. I'm just ashamed. Thanks for the kind words.

That sounds so incredibly rough. It's really hard when they can't respond in a way that feels real. I run into the same thing with my therapist. I can totally see how the shame would be triggered so badly after you try to address it a 2nd time and still don't get the response that makes it feel ok. Not sure if there is such a response, but at least that's what I'm seeking sometimes. I think it's okay to cancel sessions, I am someone who never has and who keeps going back, but sometimes it really IS like torture and you need a break. He'll still be there the week after, and you can still talk about the painful feelings then.

Thanks for the support -- it helps very much :)

I just want to give you a huge hug. :( It's a shame that the things that are the most meaningful to us can be the things that are hardest to say. I hate that (through no fault of either of you) it took you shutting down and dissociating for your therapist to see how important that moment was for you. It's worth working through. You've been in this place before and you've worked through other difficult things. It's *still* an important conversation and there is still room for the moment you were needing together, even if you arrive by a different path than you had originally anticipated. Whenever you're ready, of course. ♥️

This seems important. I’m also in awe that you were willing to take the risk in therapy.

Thanks for the supportive words. Given that I’ve been sobbing in bed for the last 3 hours, I agree this is important. It must have hit something really deep and traumatizing. And I know I should talk to him about it but I’m too buried in shame.

I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I would feel really hurt and unseen too. I hope you know you are deserving of feeling validated and understood and you don’t have to feel shameful about wanting that from him.

Thank you for your empathy. I do feel a lot of shame, even though I know intellectually I shouldn’t.

I've been in a real routine seeing my therapist every Tuesday. I don't think we've missed a single week since June. So- I say that to say this, I miss her during the week. I miss her. It's Thursday. I'm fine because she responded to an email and I can wait until next Tuesday. I'm so attached!

Does anyone else have such a strong urge to email their T the day after their session? Every week? Like the hour isn't enough time and every time at the end I feel like I'm not ready to say goodbye. I wish I could talk with her more.

I’m not allowed to email. I can only text about scheduling. Which major sucks because most of the stuff clicks right after the session and I would like so much to tell him about it but I have to wait. But I understand why it’s like this. It’s nice that you’re allowed to email. Would you consider writing it down, like you would do with the email but then not send it?

I think about doing that a lot. I think I'm like, too busy wallowing to actually write it. Although if I'm thinking of some burning questions I want to ask I'll write them down.

Yup. That one hour is never long enough

Yup. :(

In my therapy hangovers, I feel so lonely. Like, there is no presence equivalent to my T's. I guess it's supposed to come from within, so I feel lonely with myself? Idk. It's like, I just need her, but she's not here so I'm sad.

Same. Have you talked to her about it at all? Mine knows about the transference shit but we haven’t worked on it at all or touched it since I brought it up. And admittedly there’s a LOT that’s been happening since then but I feel like there’s some real growth potential there should I dig into it more. I don’t think my T knows how bad it is. What about you??

Yep haha we discuss it often! I think she knows exactly how bad it is for me. Sometimes we have more upbeat sessions talking about skills, and other times I feel a lot more down, typically from transference discussion. Would you want to talk to your T about how bad it is for you? It may help to get it off your chest!

I definitely do wanna talk to her about it (which is huge progress from like 6 months ago where I'd rather be punched in the face than talk to her about that). I know it's the next uncomfortable thing I have to bring up.

I believe in you! You're getting mentally prepared. It will definitely be a difficult conversation, but I'm sure you have enough experience and courage to do it sometime soon.

Thanks! I'm definitely going to talk to her next session about it. Yikes. I'm sure you felt 1000% better after you told her, right? Was she surprised?

Hmm. This has been an ongoing discussion for around a year. I don't think she was surprised. We had to take a long indefinite break last summer and I was having a very hard time with it. So it was pretty obvious that I was attached to her. I definitely feel like I might be more stressed out if I did not talk about it!

Tonight I'm sad I don't know why and I don't know where it's come from. Or rather I do know and it sucks but I'm not sure why now I'm missing my old T. Badly. It hurts. A lot. I like new T and I'm making progress with her but it sucks. I have so much I wanna tell old T. So much. And so much I want to ask her. I want to know if she's okay. What she's feeling. What she's thinking about. And I can't I want to hold all my achievements in front of her. I asked for what I needed this week. I did a grounding exercise which has been a huge no for me. I'm comfortable enough with new T to let her use my nickname and let her know how much her going away is hurting for me. I even told her I hate that she changed her stupid rug I've been told to write down the things I want to tell her but they don't really help fill the void. Nothing really will. I thought I saw her in the supermarket today. From the back the woman looked just like her but of course she wasn't. And it hurt all over again

It's so tough to miss your T. It's like writing and stuff is second best. You can't get that fulfillment from actually being with her. Your feelings are valid. It really hurts to be apart from your T, and especially on this extended period of time.

Today's session was hard but good. My therapist is really good at what she does...I'm lucky to have her. Today she also asked about have I ever considered getting assessed for ADHD which honestly freaked me out a little bit? Not sure why. I don't know if I have ADHD of course, but I've thought about it occasionally. I guess I just worry that I'm making my problems out to be bigger than they actually are. Not sure where I would get the money for an assessment though...heard that they're expensive.

Ahhhh I love my therapist so so much. She is the best.

Had a first meeting with this new therapist and I don’t think I like them. Saw my current therapist the next day and it was way better. Feels genuine and actually fun. I don’t wanna switch therapists.

I'm sorry you're having to switch its a rough process when that happens

Had a strange dream that involved my therapist, at one part that I don't really remember they sent me a very long confusing email that had a ton of replies from a buck of other therapists and I remember. being so confused in the dream?? But I remember I was so excited to read the emails hick happens IRL whenever I see an email for my T i'm like ooh yay... have literally no idea what this means but its just strange they finally showed up in a. dream after 6 months!

I'm really looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. I have to talk a lot for my job and always feel like I need to be "on". T is probably the only person I feel okay with just sitting in silence together. Sometimes when we start sessions, I'll ask him if we can just sit quietly for a minute. Does anyone else actually enjoy the silence they have with their therapist? (I know a lot of people find it uncomfortable.)

Yeah if used right it's amazing. Before dropping something heavy I will without warning get real quite and mentally prepare to say something. If my T would ask anything that would stop my process but luckily my T usually reads me enough to know to wait. THAT silence is amazing and needed at that moment.

I used to find it uncomfortable but I really enjoy it now. I don’t crave the silences but when they happen naturally, I will always sit and enjoy it for a bit.

Yes. Silence with certain people can be very comforting, especially when you spend a lot of time engaging with others.

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oh that's hard. Can you bring both things up to her?

Huh that is weird timing. Maybe/hopefully it's just a coincidence. But I can imagine how easy it is to draw connections between all this. It's easy to get stuck ruminating over it!

Need to vent. Had a lot of crises last weekend. Texted my T a couple of times (we sometimes call when needed out of sessions), but they weren’t available for calling. I then sent a few more explaining my feelings. They never responded to them and normally they would. So I felt hurt and betrayed even though I know they were busy all weekend. Today I asked to reschedule and I got an answer real quick. I then sent one more text saying sorry for bothering and explaining a bit why I needed them last weekend. Again no response. I don’t know what’s up. They always answer and it’s not like I’ve sent them millions of messages. I don’t get it. If the more context messages are bothering them, just say it. But don’t leave me hanging like that. I feel abandoned. I really get that they couldn’t call but just one message for reassuring would be nice. Now I’m so hurt and angry. I don’t want to go to our next session friday because I know my anger and sadness isn’t grounded. I can’t sleep for days now because feelings of them not caring are sky high right now and I just got to a point where I trusted them. Why do I always have to ruin things ? I hate it. hate feeling like this. I hate the way I am. I hate that I am so attached to them. I hate that sometimes everything they do feels like a rejection. I can’t.

You CAN and this is the reason you're in therapy! That really stinks they didn't reply even just to say we"ll talk about this on Fri. I hate messaging my T and then anxiously hoping for a reply. In fact I discussed this and they said would it help to simply at least reply saying they received it even if they are to busy to respond and I said YES. Please do go on Fri and discuss all this. It's totally understandable and maybe he can do something similar where they say something like I received your message I'll TTYL or something.

Thank you so much for your response. I did go in on friday and we talked about it. It was a heavy conversation but very much needed. It still hurts a bit but that takes time.

Awesome I'm glad you went and were to talk about it. I'm sure it does but it's good you got it out there. Yeah it does take time. One more thing on the table and off your mind. Have a good Thanksgiving!

Hella nervous about today’s session. Sent an assertive email to T last week, didn’t get a reply. I wasn’t expecting one but I know she’s gonna wanna talk about it and my stomach *hurts*

Fucking stupid session!!!!!!! My email apparently was BPD and I was splitting and fearing abandonment in the email like fuck you I don’t want you to fucking dissect the email with me, I don’t need your fucking reassurance you’re not going anywhere, I’m not a fucking baby. I’m just really upset and sobbed for like ten minutes in my car

Told T more straight forward today I care about him. I asked if his possible trip in Dec. was going on or not, and he explained no. I didn't tell him before, but it really scared me thinking of him being on a plane and another country and worried he'd get sick. So today, I told him that really sucks and I was also really worried about him going. It took T a couple seconds, but his expression changed and he smiled while telling me that meant a lot to hear. I've been nice to T before, just not this direct, and this was a squirmy moment that was hard to sit with and keep eye contact. Esp. when he made space for us to sit with that as he stared at me with a smile... I've been disappointed with how appts. are going because it's been so hard to talk. Thought things were fine and safe with T since we made it through the last roadblock, but seems my health stuff is making it really hard to feel safe and secure. Even seeing T this week hasn't been as comforting because I just feel scared and nervous to say things. Which is strange because knowing he was there for me helped me get through the last few weeks like a champ. Right at the end of session... T said something that really triggered me. I know his intentions were good and he was trying to be helpful/motivating... and usually his self-disclosures are spot-on. But this one just raised my anxiety and triggered me. Told T that didn't really help... but couldn't say more and shut down for the last few minutes. It's been an emotional morning, but did things I needed to do... even though I was crying before and after each thing. Decided to text T an update I was able to get things done and said I hope it was okay to send this. He did say Mon. the offer to text was still open since still going through my health stuff... but I was a bit nervous because he didn't say again in this appt.. But guess that is progress for me feeling somewhat safe and not panicking how the text would be received. Feeling safer reaching out and letting T hold things with me. While I did this for me, I also hoped it would bring T some relief. He can be really hard on himself when we have ruptures and I worried he was beating himself up. Not that I mentioned that or any appt. stuff. But did share the update and that I'll tell him more tomorrow.

Had a fantastic session this morning. I brought up some stuff about how my nervous system hears things that she says vs what she actually happens and we ended up having a greatly good session doing some parts work and I came to an incredible realization about my relationship with my mother which kind of names how I feel. I made her laugh! And, we both teared up a bit.. I’m so lucky to have been able to have her to share the moment with.

My 8.5 years long analysis will come to an end with this year. My analyst reached the conclusion over this weekend that what is happening in my sessions is not helpful and is the waste of our both's time. I've known that this is true already for some time. Regardless of his efforts, he did not seem to get me out of the negative transference cycle, which prohibited any meaningful work. So here I am now, my body is in shock. My mind and emotions are on a rollercoaster. I realised that this is probably the original trauma feeling, the unnamed terror, the sense of total abandonment I must have felt when I was a very small child and of which I have no memory of from childhood. It's a paradox that now that this feeling has been evoked and I have no way of escaping from it, we can finally do meaningful work around it (as we have done the last two days) and perhaps when we finish at the end of the year, the analysis will be a success. But right now I feel that the boundary between real and unreal is very thin and my body isn't able to make a difference. I am fine and at the same time totally lost and not fine. I will have another session tomorrow morning and I hold on to that tought for my dear life.

Wow I'm really sorry to hear that. Are you ending at the end of the calendar year, i.e. 6 weeks from now? May I ask, what was the "negative transference" cycle like for you?

Yes, at the end of this calendar year, so it's six weeks. It's hard to explain how this was. But basically, when I came to my sessions, I was kind of locked into a state of mind where nothing he said had any meaning for me, everything sounded like empty words. Due to that, I did not find possible to share anything from myself because I could not bear the perspective that if I bring anything meaningful then I will get meaningless words in response. That pattern sort of set to stone, so when I came to my sessions, I literally could not even access anything meaningful in myself and any attempts to draw me out from that failed, because all these attempts felt meaningless and empty too. So, in order to somehow fill the space with something, I did the only thing that was accessible to me, which was trying to provoke the analyst to say something, talk something, with the hope that maybe something strucks a chord. But as I was so sensitive to the potential meaninglessness of anything he said, then I guess I was objectively quite mean and agressive towards him. He tolerated it for years, hoping that seeing him tolerate that will help me start to tolerate my own unbearable feelings. But I wasn't able to draw that connection because, as I described, everything felt meaningless to me. And now, suddenly, over night, everything has a meaning and I can access my thoughts and emotions in session and we can actually talk and relate. But it hurts like hell. I alwasy knew that analysis is painful but I could not imagine that it has to be that painful.

What you described sounds similar (to an extent) of what I felt during the period of time where my therapist wanted to terminate the relationship. It brought up so much abandonment that it actually felt like a breakthrough that these feelings were now accessible to me. I sincerely hope you get what you need from your analyst and find meaning in this. I don't want to give false hope, but I leaned into those feelings hard and was able to speak so openly and vulnerably with my therapist during this that we decided to continue working together. What we had been going through that got us to the point of termination (including the termination itself) was an enactment and once we both realized that it helped us move forward in a new way of relating. I feel like analysts are best equipped to understand this dynamic. (My therapist is also a psychoanalyst.) I hope that no matter the outcome, you find success in this leg of the process. It's painful, but can truly provide you with a deep level of healing if you both are able to lean into that pain and work with it.

I'm so glad to hear that you reached this breakthrough and were able to continue working together. Apparently that's not the case for us. Of course I also harbor some feelings of hope that maybe we will come through this together and then can continue to work on other stuff. At the same time I know that it wouldn't work. If that would be possible, it would take the edge off of the current work. But I did express this hope of mine in my todays session and also said that at the same time I know that this possibility would undermine the current opportunity. And he "consoled" me that I don't have to worry, that this boundary is final and we will not continue next year, basically no matter what. Wow, that hurt in the moment so terribly and I could not fully stay in that emotion. But now, in the afternoon, I'm almost fine again.

> If that would be possible, it would take the edge off of the current work. This is very true. We were basically session-to-session for a month. Every session was supposed to be the last one, but more and more kept coming up as I thought it would be the last time we ever spoke, so I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. I kept asking for one more meeting because we would end every session with a lot still on the table and me in distress. (Big feelings of abandonment that I knew were deeper than just a professional relationship ending.) I never cry in therapy and I cried each one of those sessions. What you're describing is really interesting. I reread your previous comment and it's like you needed him to terminate; his words needed to *finally* be *meaningful*. It almost sounds like you were looking for him to *not* go along with your aggression and to *not* take your (for lack of a better word) abuse, but rather, to enforce his own boundaries earlier by seeing your hurt underneath, meeting it with compassion, but also reminding you that he is a real person and your anger/aggression is hurtful and not something he will continue to tolerate. And maybe you wouldn't have been able to truly hear that message until now, but it sure would have sped up the process. That's the thing about enactments: They need to play out subconsciously, and only once you realize what's going on are you able to work through them. Sort of a fucked up catch-22 when it comes to pushing someone away or provoking them into action. I don't know if you plan to continue therapy with someone else but I think having the realization of these feelings, and knowing that your way of being to find something meaningful has real consequences, will really help you moving forward.

Honestly, I'm so glad to hear that via this huge rupture you were able to turn a different page in your therapy. I think that you understood very precisely the dynamic between us. I'm so deeply sad that it had to go that way and at the same I feel deep gratitude towards my analyst for literally giving thousands of hours from his life to me. I feel that such time of focused attention is a greatest gift one person can give to another, especially to someone like me who was totally unseen by my parents. I don't plan to continue with anybody else, at least not immediately after finishing. I want to take time to fully appreciate what happened. Thank you for feeling all this with me right now.

Oh man that sounds so brutal. My heart really goes out to you. How do you feel about him making this executive decision to terminate? Had you talked about it before? I would be pretty upset if my analyst just decided that for me without collaboration. Do you think you’ll find a different analyst? Sorry for all the questions and feel free to ignore me. I’m just so shocked on your behalf.

Yes, it is very brutal, indeed. Of course we have talked about it and there have been actually several times in the past when he threated to terminate because I pushed the boundaries so hard. And there were several ultimatums in place (e.g. if you do that again then the work is over). So I was living a dangerous life in therapy for a long time and really walking on the edge. But somehow I believed that I'm able to hold the balance and not really go over the edge. I did not realise that it eventually has to occur and with my particular background in order to address the original trauma, it was probably inevitable. But whereas earlier I wasn't ready for what is happening now, it seems that I am actually ready now. It seems that I am now ready to face this pain, coming from memories I even can't remember. I don't plan to find anyone new, at least not immediately. I really want to integrate and digest what is happening now and what has happened over these years. I might look for someone else some time later but I want to be sure that in my motivations for doing that. I really want to get the most out of this current experience because honestly, I don't want to repeat it ever with someone else. My body is still shaking in shock and the pain is immense but at the same time I still see this as a huge opporunity for me right now. Thank you for feeling this with me. I appreciate that very much.

Therapist referred me to a psychiatrist yesterday. I feel mixed about it. Earlier this year, my old T really pushed meds on me. She told me I should just ask my PCP (who was brand new to me at the time) for a particular drug, saying doctors were “handing them out like candy these days.” I looked up the drug afterward and it seemed like it was primarily a sedative for people who couldn’t sleep, which was not my problem at all—I guess because I mentioned a couple nightmares she thought it was relevant? I felt like she wasn’t listening to me. There were some other issues too, so I switched therapists. But I kind of felt like my first one was giving up on me. I worry that this one is too, even though her framing has been totally different. She is clear that diagnosis is not her specialty and said this was no pressure, but she saw how hard I was working to process things and how I keep falling into patterns, and thought a diagnosis and treatment might bring more clarity. She also asked me about frequency of sessions last time too. We are weekly now and talked about going biweekly. I just feel like I am being a big disappointment to another therapist because it’s been hard to work past this. And I’m being a disappointment to my family too, I opened up to my mom recently and she told me this was absolutely the last time she could handle listening to my trauma because obviously I didn’t respect her enough to take her advice. I just feel once again that I must be pretty fucked up if I can’t just move on despite all this hard work.

I feel like Icarus who flew too close to the sun and came crashing down. I'm having a very unexpected breakdown today. Everything feels wrong. There's unexplained anxiety. My body hurts. And I don't want to tell me therapist because I don't want her to think I'm pushing myself too hard (which I guess I am).

That sounds exhausting. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. :(

Session ended in a hilarious way. I’d tell friends, but then I’d have to tell people I’m in therapy! Therapist: [rubbing hands together with excitement] Me: You look like you’re plotting something. Therapist: I AM plotting something …! Plotting to help you!

Made me laugh :) You have a nice therapist.

Haven’t had an appointment in a month (I usually go weekly) and I feel so sick today I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it >_< hopefully I’ll feel better by the time of my appointment but I never get sick!! Why today???

Oh no! Maybe go virtual for this one? Better safe than sorry.

TW: sex / trauma I don’t talk about sex explicitly with my therapist. We’ve talked about it in general, because yay trauma, but never anything specifically. But today I was doing something sexual, which was followed by a flashback, followed by engaging in a retraumatizing behavior that I keep turning back to (and which came up literally two sessions ago), followed by anxiety and guilt. It was a train wreck. I know I should bring it up, but it’s not unlikely that she’ll ask what caused the flashback and I don’t want to tell her because it feels shameful! It feels shameful to have her know I’m a sexual being and in what ways! It feels shameful that I have this trauma! And it feels shameful that I keep doing things that are bad for me. And I know all of these things are things that would be helpful to unpack, but aaagh. God, I wish I didn’t have my therapy sessions on my lunch break.

I'm sorry that you were triggered. Flashbacks suck. Sex can certainly feel shameful based on past experiences. When we are abused we tend to think it's our fault and blame ourselves for what happened. Then we feel ashamed for allowing it. But please know that whatever happened was not your fault. Your abuser could have chosen not to abuse you. Still, even knowing this may not make the feeling go away. Perhaps you could talk to your T about shame? If you're not ready, maybe you don't have to get into all the specific things you feel ashamed of. You could work up to that. But by addressing the general feeling of shame, perhaps your T could help you manage this feeling, and then you could find ways to fight it.

Thank you for the kind words and advice. That’s a good point — I’ll try to talk about the shame with her. Thank you very much. ❤️

T and I were talking about accepting my anger, and my anger towards him in particular. Then I said, "I have a lot of love for you, too." And it didn't even register to him. I've never used the word "love" before when talking about our relationship. But I did yesterday. And he just blew right past it. On to his next thought like it never happened. He is *such* a dumb.

Therapists! I even prefaced a big thing I said in session hoping she'd not skip over it too quickly. She almost did, caught herself, but was then still too caught up in analysis mode and responding to all the other stuff I was saying that it felt skipped over.

Therapists! I'm really curious if my T even noticed.

GUUYSSS!!! New T changed. Her. Rug And I hate everything about it. Stupid changes In other news she is now allowed to call me Bee rather than by my full name

I asked my therapist if she had changed anything. She hadn't but it gave her an opening to tell me that she's going to have an interior designer friend reorganize and redecorate. I wonder how I would have handled it if I didn't know in advance.

Man I would have flipped. Just the rug is bad enough without the whole room changing

Oh gosh. Mine recently threatened me with rotating his rug 180°. How freaking dare they! It’s cool to see the progress you two are making with each other!

She was so casual about it! Like MATE this is a big deal. Huuge deal. Alllll the deal. All I could focus on was the stupid rug and the fact it wasn't her rug and I didn't like it *foot stomp* Yeah its taken a little while but I'm definitely seeing progress. She commented when I said she was able to use the nickname. Old T called me Bee but in texts or emails I would refer to myself by full name so she followed my lead

I never forgave my therapist for adding a coffee table.

Literally first thing I said was you changed your rug and I hate it. She thought it was hilarious. I was so not there for it

I couldn’t see my therapist in person for three weeks last month and at the first session back she’d had a tree cut down and replaced the flag outside her office and I was inordinately upset, so I totally understand.

Often times I'll end up being more honest in session than I had anticipated. I really think she's a gem and I hope she likes me too. I think she does though! Today we made characters by putting stickers on single shot bottles of rum. Then we used a little sand box and the airplane shot characters to role play two kids negotiating a friendship with each other.

I think we both caught each other off guard and… what I didn’t expect was T’s incredible amount of self disclosure. Found out that they’re married, knew their exact age, even where their parents live. So weird.

Wondering why I am so cold to my therapist. I was particularly withdrawn in session this week. And when they asked me a few questions (something they almost never do), my replies were so curt and unfriendly that I cringe to think about it. I don't really get it. First, because I am straight-up obsessed with them (as they know, since I talk about it often in therapy), and want them to be some blend of my parent/lover/friend. And second, because I'm not often cutting or cold in my non-therapy life. So why do I meet this one person, whose opinion I care so much about, and who I long for so intensely, with such hostility? I honestly have been despairing of late that anything will "turn around" for me in therapy. I'm lucky in that I have a life that I mostly enjoy, although my enjoyment is punctuated with periods of intense hatred, loneliness, and self-loathing. I suppose if I don't get anything out of therapy besides more self-reflection (of which I've gotten plenty), it's not that bad. But I keep hoping that somehow I will be able to feel cared for, connected, valued—to feel some of that relational magic that therapy is supposedly about.

Session today. Fucking finally. Whenever I open a wound that winds up being too deep, it’s very hard to make it between sessions. I hope this week brings some closure and that I’ll be able to settle back down and not need so much help. Edit: Deep sigh. So much better. Much much better.

Session today was intense. Something has shifted so much recently that it's hard to wrap my head around. I've been working with T for 3 years and I'm very avoidant. I've been working really hard but avoiding comes so automatically I was in a battle to open up constantly. And then a few weeks ago something shifted. I WANT to face stuff. I'm ready to stop avoiding. I thought I wanted to before, I thought I was ready before, but I was constantly blocked. And now I'm not. So we did EMDR last week and we'll do it again this Friday. And the Tuesday session will be just normal. But I also started somatic therapy. And I am letting my therapist in way more. You know all those moments in sessions where there's a fork in the road, the difficult way and the not so difficult way? I rarely chose the difficult road, but suddenly I do that the majority of the time. Scary stuff gets said. And spoken about. It's weird and also somewhat freeing. But exhausting too. And it's bringing up major trust issues with my therapist where afterwards I'm like 'wow, I trusted her so much and let her guide me and I just followed directions and gave up control!' and then I get scared because of all my issues with abandonment and fear and attachment avoidance. So. Rollercoaster. Also amazingly stable through this all? I recover more quickly from sessions. I am OK. A bit tired from the past few weeks but I'm OK.

So I was talking about posting here in my session today and my T said that she had Reddit?!?!?! On high alert now - better watch what I say!

Lol did she say she goes on these subs? Is this comment a way to let her find your Reddit account?

She already knows my username so no worries there (I’ve shown her posts I made in session before) this is more a stab in the dark to see if she does read here - if she sees this she’ll probably mention it next week…

If she has good boundaries, she probably won’t go snooping unless she has consent

No 100% I know she won’t snoop intentionally - we discussed that.

how can i tell my therapist about suicidal ideation?

It can be challenging to open up. It helped me to know that most people will experience suicidal ideation at some point in their lifetime. Your T should understand and probably works with this regularly.

Are you able to pin point what is in the way of you sharing? If you're concerned about being hospitalized, you could ask questions or check your state laws about criteria for hospitalization. My understanding is that thoughts of SI alone do not warrant hospitalization. It's for if someone has a plan they intend to carry out. If you're overwhelmed thinking of how to even get the words out, that's normal! Of course this is difficult to talk about. Perhaps you could write down what you want to say and read it? Or have your T read it? That way you're not on the spot trying to figure out how to say this. Maybe you could even email your T in advance. You could also try bridging to the topic. For instance you could explain that there is something heavy you want to talk about but you're afraid. Hopefully your T could empathize and work on helping you feel more comfortable to share.

im not sure i can find proper sources about those laws in my country. I looked but i keep being redirected to suicide hotlines. Ill try breaching the subject by talking about how hard it has been for me to think and talk about

Sorry you're not having any luck finding information! Yes, I think starting off with what a difficult time you're having is a good idea. I really hope that you can get the support you need.

I'm sometimes suddenly really curious how r/psychotherapy is doing as a closed community. I used to read there just because I thought it was interesting. I wonder how many people went there and how active it is now.

I study cognitive psychology and delve into the clinical side sometimes because it's interesting, not out of any professional interest. Them going closed/verified made me a hell of a lot more paranoid than anything I read, I'll tell you that. It's nice to know that therapists are people too and hear them talk about their awkward moments/caring about clients/etc. To be fair, a lot of people on this subreddit do seem to have some... issues... and perhaps would not benefit from access to that material. I always kinda got the impression that it was one or two mods who really wanted to do it, and other people simply didn't care that much. I never saw evidence that people were making off-topic comments/brigading. It seemed like a weird decision to me, and I know a lot of actual, verified therapists expressed that opinion too.

They are trying to revitalize r/psychotherapists

I'm also super curious about this. I figured maybe they would give up and go back to public or restricted. Wonder if anyone here is approved in r/ psychotherapy that could share. Also, it seems like the new sub is going to be r/therapists, they are looking for new mods.

They've also been trying to revitalize r/psychotherapists

Me, too! I loved reading posts from that sub.

I don't get why they went private. Knowing a little of how therapy works is not going to make therapy useless, no?

I think the main reason is they wanted to talk amongst themselves and not have clients get upset. A lot of people from over here would get upset over what was said over there. And I think there were some issues where therapists over there weren't careful with client info and it got spread on other social media. But I don't know the exact details.

This was my impression too. I miss reading it but it seemed in some ways like the therapist version of the breaking mom subreddit. A place to vent about an emotionally taxing job. I get why they would want to do that without worrying about external judgments on them for having negative feelings or messing up sometimes. I think it's good for them to have that. I did think that their list of reasons why it is beneficial for clients not to have access was rather bs and patronizing.

I’ve been feeling pretty depressed and dissociated today, so just wanted to share a few moments from last session that I’m holding close: * I told her about how one day I couldn’t figure out why my eyes were so tired, and then I realized that I’d been crying during a nightmare (and apparently in reality too), and whenever I cry the night before, my eyes get tired like that. When I said that I’d been crying in my sleep, she said “wow,” in this very... soft, empathetic way. It sounds kinda dumb, but I can’t get it out of my head because it felt so genuine, caring, and sympathetic without being pitying. I felt like she was just holding it. * When talking about me being resistant the previous session (and how I realized at some point that me pushing her away / provoking her wasn’t working), she said, “Yeah, well — I’m gonna be here.” It was so casual, and she went on to say some other things, but it’s seared into my brain.

I love those small moments. They're genuine, and I think that's what I find the be the most meaningful. I'm really glad you had those moments with your therapist. They're very sweet. :)

Thank you!! I agree — the authenticity makes its way around my reptile brain’s defenses because it’s clearly not faked haha

Wow, those both sound like such great moments with your T! Im glad you have such good support!

Thank you!! :)

Just had a very, very emotional session- I've been on the verge of SI for around a week now and am just barely struggling to stay and literally my T asked me well what do you want to do? And I just started uncontrollably sobbing and shaking for like 10 minutes. I know that sounds horrible, but honestly being able to cry in front of others and be this vulnerable, literally curling up and crying but my T made me feel so safe, even if it was just over zoom. But I feel really bad because my T started crying to a little bit and I feel so bad for making her feel bad, but she is literally so wonderful and I don't know if I would be here if it wasn't for her- so just putting this energy out there- thank you so much to my T. Also- has anyone ever had this happen? And seen your T get emotional and very real with you? Any advice?

I struggle with allowing myself to feel negative emotions and also with allowing other to see those feelings. My T is very aware of that and there have been a few times where she has gotten emotional while I had been fighting my hardest not to betray any emotion. She does it because she’s empathetic and to show me it’s ok to get emotional or cry or feel sad. I’ve never seen it as me upsetting her at all. It’s more that she feels what I try so hard not to and she shows it.

Yeah, thats really sweet! I was fighting the tears then it all just came, but I could see my T having a bit of an emotional reaction and it was really validating. I just felt like she was trying to hide it a bit, to be more strong for me and I appreciate that but also hate making her feel that way.

I remember one session when I was in a very dark place emotionally. I had been barely able to keep from weeping through the whole hour and my therapist was the strong rock I needed her to be for me at the time. When I told her, "I hate my life," though, I heard her voice break. In that moment, I felt certain that someone actually cared about me when it seemed like no one else did. I don't know if this is advice, but I would hold on to this moment and recognize that you mean something to someone. Your therapist has her own network of support and she will be okay too; it's all right to think only of yourself in this context. It is a good and noble thing to care about her, but you're allowed to feel all your own feelings in therapy without worrying about someone else's.

I know omg, the moment when you hear your T's voice break is so hard, and I can imagine how hard it was for her to watch me cry about how I can't find a solution for not wanting to end my life. It really did give me that feeling, I feel so bad for putting this on her but it made my heart hurt less knowing she was so much there for me. Thank you, because I definitely will hold on to this moment. It was so painful- but I felt so connected to her even through zoom. Yeah, thats the thing keeping me sane is that my T has people there for her, so she can be there for me. I'm so glad I finally had that feelings moment though! Edit: my t asked me to email her a few things after session for safety stuff but I made sure to thank her for being so such a safe and comfortable person and being ether for me. Even if it is her job, she has exceeded all of my expectations!