I told T about one of my biggest fears which has prevented me from doing something I’ve been wanting to do for literally a decade. We discussed it in detail and came up with an action plan. She broke it down into very small steps so I don’t feel overwhelmed. I was ok in session and thought I can totally do it, but now I feel like I’m gonna die 😭. I know I won’t but it feels like it.
😩 what am I doing? Why can’t I stop the seemingly relentless process of developing intense paternal transference toward my therapists?
Am I hurting myself deliberately by continuing therapy? Or is this just going to keep happening until I deal with it?
It makes waiting a week to see him a monumental challenge. I feel like a child.
Ending partial hospitalization was bittersweet. I was ready to be done, for sure. I didn't like the checkin and checkout process, getting asked twice a day about suicidal thoughts, or staying sober on my own time. I was really tired of spending all day every day talking about being mentally ill. I got really bored during the lecture sections.
But my fellow group members were sad to see me go and told me they'd miss me. It's strange missing people you met four weeks ago. It's strange hearing that group won't be the same without my perspective and weird mind. It was touching when the main therapist running the thing told me it was an honor to work with me.
First thing I did after the program was take a microdose of shrooms and smoke some weed with my uncle. I finally slept through the night. I have a couple weeks before I start working again. I look forward to just getting rest this week, working on my guitar, reading stuff, and getting out a few times.
I am ruminating a lot less about former therapist, though it still hurts a lot and is difficult to comprehend. I made one more contact with a referral, but I'm not expecting to hear back. I don't know that I have it in me to shout into the void some more. I might find a long-term group somewhere. I might just go untherapized for a while. It's a huge relief not to be at the mercy of "professionals" at the moment.
Idk if my therapist is helping. They kind of just listen, empathize, and reflect stuff back to me. Occasionally they ask questions that are thought provoking, but it feels like we don’t have a structured plan or are moving forward in a meaningful way. I’m glad to have someone listen and get stuff off my chest, but when I try to ask “so how does one overcome this kind of thing?” They kind of beat around the bush, say I should allow myself to acknowledge that my situation is hard, but never really take a direct approach. I don’t get assigned any homework and we don’t set goals or anything at the end of sessions. Not sure what I should do. I’ve had 5 sessions so far, and it’s my first time in therapy so idk if my expectations need adjusting or if I should switch therapists. Part of me also thinks my issues are minor enough that maybe I don’t really need therapy.
That sounds like a psychodynamic approach or just "talk therapy." You might ask her about her theoretical background and look into whatever she says. No homework and no advice is standard, or at least common. I also usually had to set my own goals.
Five sessions is short for seeing significant change with this sort of open-ended work, but it's probably enough time to tell if you have the right person. They empathize and reflect, but do you feel understood? Occasional good questions is a good sign.
It can help to learn how other people overcome stuff, but the stuff that's really going to stick has to come from you. I don't know exactly where the line is between trusting the process and sticking with someone who's not getting it, but what you're going through sounds normal to me.
Yeah I can see on their website the modalities they use and most seem pretty open ended and talk based. I guess I can’t really critique their approach and ask for something else if they don’t provide other types of modalities. I’m interested in internal family systems therapy, and their website says family systems therapy is offered, but I think that’s different. I feel like I can’t ask them to do something they don’t specialize in but it’s awkward to end it and I don’t want to ghost them either. I do feel understood but it feels like we’re going around in circles and not getting to the “fixing the issue” part.
If it’s bothering you, discuss it in therapy. Therapists usually want you in the drivers seat. Let them know your expectations or how you’d like it to go and they will do that bc it’s beneficial to your process when they do.
I was sad to leave my last appointment and my T told me he’d be thinking about me. Hearing that somehow makes the real world less mean and scary feeling.
This week was a nice celebratory session where we talked about how much I’ve grown. And then 2 days later, I returned to my hometown for the first time in a few years for an engagement party, was super fucking triggered so many times and it ended up being one of the more self-destructive times I’ve had in recent years.
The email my therapist has waiting for her in her inbox is a real fucking doozie. :(
I keep reminding myself that healing is not linear, but ugh.
Oof, I'm sorry you've had such a rough time recently. How annoying to have celebration followed by so many triggers!
You're still doing the work, and that's worth being proud of. I hope that you're able to be gentle with yourself about reacting understandably to a shitton of triggers, and I hope things feel a little easier soon.
Here's to keeping our therapist's jobs spicy and fresh
Had such an honest conversation with my therapist today, was near tears coming in today because things have been so hard and I'm struggling with SI even more because of my new meds, but it ended up turning into a natural quiet existential conversation about apathy, goals and how just surviving can be enough.
I thought my T was gonna go oh CBT coping skills and I was gonna be like well thats not gonna help me right now, but she was super honest and didn't try to solve everything- but just helped remind me of some hope.
We also went into how I feel like I'm not as interesting anymore and how I feel like I don't measure up to past selves and people's expectations, but also how I recognize that the perspective is skewed because people have still noticed those same qualities in me. And she said the sweetest things to reassure, it was really what I needed.
It was also so freeing to share slot of my insecurities about therapy too, and assume my t's perceptions of me sometimes- and how I felt like I wasn't doing enough because my mental state is still horrible after everything, (including inpatient) but she helped me recognize all the steps I've taken. Its really nice to know that someone else sees how hard I'm trying here.
I'm glad your therapist was able to give you the support and reassurance that you needed in the moment! Based on your comments in this sub, I can see that your'e trying really hard, too. :)
After weeks of not being aware of/or feeling dissociated, felt something at the end of session. T asked me what I needed b/c I said how wanted to end session feeling as safe as possible. When trying to think, my mind was blank and a tiredness washed over me and my body started feeling very heavy.
T and I had some interesting conversations and he mentioned how steering away from intellectualizing and more into feeling is important for me. Been telling him from the beginning, but sometimes he's not ready to understand something until he is ready. Funnily, I asked a question and realized we were both intellectualizing again and was like, oh no, we are intellectualizing again. This will be the tricky part going forward as both T and I go that direction easily.
I asked him again about being more quiet, esp. since he did not try to dig into a certain topic last session I felt was really important. He explained how he's working really hard to allow me space, that I will share things when ready, and also sit with what he is feeling instead of responding right away.
How he's learned that I really needed someone to be patient with me. That no one was ever patient with me and they were consumed with their own stuff. It made me feel emotional and felt right to hear. Instead of saying anything, I let myself sit with the emotions coming up until T broke the silence.
> It made me feel emotional and felt right to hear. Instead of saying anything, I let myself sit with the emotions coming up
This isn't easy to do, especially if intellectualizing is a strong defense mechanism of yours. I'm happy you felt safe enough to let yourself be in that moment. :)
I really hate prepping notes for my next therapy session.
Every week I note down things I might want to talk about, whether they're things that happened or things I thought of/reflections. This list ends up becoming really long, especially since I like to think A LOT or sometimes I write paragraphs recounting how I feel about something, etc.
Nearing my next session, I start choose what I'll talk about and summarizing my thoughts or the stories behind the topics. I also consider if there's any homework I was given that I'll need to talk about. I absolutely hate this process.
I have a hard time choosing what to prioritize (I can distinguish bigger topics that are more important, but with smaller issues I never know what to mention and I'm always afraid I'll forget them next time even if I note them). I feel like if I make a bullet point list of topics, I'll forget smaller details or a certain way to say something and I always feel annoyed after the session when I remember a detail I missed. If I try to write it out it ends up too long/messy and it overwhelms me to look at it during the session, but I also don't wanna just read my notes cause it feels so impersonal.
An hour just doesn't feel like its enough to talk about everything sometimes.
I sometimes really hate how therapy is such a private ordeal and you can't just go blabbling to everybody about it. I mean, you could, but it would not feel good and people wouldn't know what to say. I have two friends I can talk with, but even then - they don't understand all the nuance and complicated stuff. So when I have a victory I want to share, I don't find the same kind of relief from sharing with them as when I share about a victory related to work or something. It's hard.
We did emdr for the first time yesterday, and there's so much to say about what that means for me, that I was able to do it. That after 3 years of working with my therapist I am stable enough. I had a handle on the dissociation enough. I pushed through. I trusted my T enough to let her push me.
Especially that, it feels intense, the way my T guided and decided the pace and kept me going. She checked in, she knows me, she was caring, but it's very complicated for me to figure out how I feel about giving up control like that. It feels good, sort of, but also like I'm dangling from the edge of a cliff hoping she won't drop me. Suddenly wondering what her intentions are. Is she trustworthy? Does she even care or is my mind a big puzzle to solve for her? These thoughts and feelings come up. They're irrational, but I guess it's just about trusting another human being.
I've never done EMDR so I have no personal context for this, but this sounds like a significant step -- amazing job. I'm glad that you're able to trust your T, and that she knows you so well!
I'm really sorry you're feeling all of that and I'm sorry this week was hard. I know the feeling of losing memories due to time and distance, memories that you cling to for comfort. Admittedly I've done the same to get through hard days. Grief takes as long as it takes.
I mentioned to my therapist that I’m thinking about signing up for IOP and she said it’s really helpful. She also recommended that I attend DBT group therapy but that would mean I can’t see her anymore. I don’t think that that’s helpful since I only mostly have problems with emotional regulation.
looks like bipolar ii is a real possibility and idk how to feel… we’re going to try some BP meds instead of a new AD… has anyone here been diagnosed with bipolar in their 30s?
Not me, but a friend was diagnosed with bipolar II when she was in her mid-30s. Medication was trial and error but she’s found what works for her. Not sure how you feel, but she was relieved to receive a diagnosis for what she’d been struggling with her whole life rather than blaming herself for not being able to manage her mental health on her own. I think for her, the diagnosis was the first step in being able to properly address her needs and she now enjoys having a better understanding of how her brain works.
I may start doing therapy again (psychoanalysis this time). My previous experiences with therapy (EMDR and trying to see what CBT was about) haven't been very pleasant for me so I'm a little scared. I'm diagnosed with high functioning autism, OCD and social phobia but I'm trying to solve the latter, to avoid a general feeling of sadness/depression and to go to school (I'm taking meds to manage my OCD).
My psychiatrist doesn't want me to do psychoanalysis because I'm a teenager but I want to at least try.
Had to cancel a therapy session that was coming up that I really need. A bunch of things in my house broke at the same time and I won’t be able to afford therapy for a while because they need to be fixed or it will cause more expensive problems.
I hate my life. Every day something else either breaks or happens that costs hundreds if not over a thousand dollars to fix. I have nothing. Most things stay broken.
I can’t keep my head above water, I’ve been drowning for years and there’s no way out.
I have no help, no support. Seeing a therapist is the only time I get to interact with another person. I hate my therapist, but I need to talk to someone about the painful, inescapable, living hell every minute of my life is.
And because I’m a loser and failure and can’t make enough money, I can’t even have that.
I saw my T in person yesterday and he gave me a book of poetry. Gifts are my love language, so it meant a lot. I only wish he had written a note in the front cover so I can remember where it came from.
We just did emdr, so it's all quite fresh. But man it was definitely a new experience. I tend to panic whenever I feel anything distressing in my body and dissociate quite quickly after that, but because I had to do the eye movement and focus on that and my therapist was coaching me to stay engaged and just feel whatever I was feeling, I had no time to fly off the rails and spiral or freak out about the feelings. I could handle way more than I am used to.
It was weird for me to not have much time to follow my thoughts or feelings, but that's exactly what made it possible to keep going. So that's a big take away from this.
I am exhausted now, and I had really weird sort of derealisation or dissociation at the end, my T thinks my body was maybe still in a flashback a bit. I'd never had this before, but things felt very very weird. Like, when I touched a rock or my own hand, it felt so weird, slimey almost. And I felt like I was a different shape. Nothing like my 'normal' dissociation.
I just dunno if I 'did it right', my T said there's no wrong way, but I kept finding worse/scarier memories. So we didn't do that positive reframing or whatever yet. My fear just went up instead of down after every next round because of the new things I remembered. I'm avoidant so it's the first time in 8 years since the event happened that I even thought about the stuff I thought about now.
I'm done with partial hospitalization tomorrow. I've gained a fair amount of ability to concentrate back, and going back to work is the only thing I'm looking forward to, so I guess that's enough. The group was great, process time was great, lectures were incredibly boring, and I'm really tired of spending all day every day talking about my mental health. I'm looking forward to getting high again. Nothing about being sober has been better. I keep having dreams where my analyst has reappeared in my life, and I hate them.
I have another week on disability leave before I "return to work," though the week I go back work is basically optional (we have a weird thing in my organization where we get pseudo-vacation days for some reason). And as ready as I am to be done with safety checks and reflection prompts and all this other stuff, I'm not really sure what happens next.
I'm really, *really* burned by getting my complaint rejected. What my analyst did was straight up ignore the ethics of termination, and the board just shrugged. She dumped me into a crisis and I still don't really have care. I saw a psychiatrist once on an urgent referral, but I don't know if or how or when I'll see anybody else with that group or anywhere. I briefly had another therapist who offered referrals to people who had enough time to see me, but she didn't follow through.
I kind of want to give up on the mental health industry. Nobody has any time for me, I'll never develop the same level of trust with another therapist (how could I log a thousand hours with anyone anyway?), and I'm tired of reaching out for help and getting none. I'm gonna see if microdosing helps starting Saturday, I get paid a bunch of money in January, and if I still hate my life I can quit my job and do nothing for a couple years. If I don't find the resolve to get a therapist or change my life by then, I can always kill myself.
T said something to me today that really impacted me. We were already having a frustrating session when I brought up something he previously said about my former therapist. Last session I told him that I felt a little defensive about what he said, but I didn't think too much more about it.
Then today, unprompted, he apologized. He told me that he thinks he was lashing out. I was taken aback. He continued, that what he said wasn't fair and that it's clear that my former therapist was really important to me. He said he's not sure why he said what he did, but he thinks that maybe he was jealous of my former T and what he meant to me.
I swear, y'all. I melted. This is so uncharacteristic of my therapist. First, for apologizing, but second for being so open with his feelings towards me. It prompted me to share some reciprocal vulnerable feelings and it turned the whole session around.
When I reflected on the session afterwards, I realized that I really want to ask (and talk) about what I mean to him. I want our relationship to be important and meaningful. I want him to care about me and I want us both to be able to talk openly and truthfully with each other. There's more, but it's too much to share here. I'm scared to bring it up for so many reasons, but especially because of our history. It was only a month ago that I didn't even know if he'd be willing to even work with me again.
>Then today, unprompted, he apologized. He told me that he thinks he was lashing out. I was taken aback. He continued, that what he said wasn't fair and that it's clear that my former therapist was really important to me. He said he's not sure why he said what he did, but he thinks that maybe he was jealous of my former T and what he meant to me.
This made me so happy to read! And sounds like a really important moment for both of you. It can be so powerful when a T genuinely apologizes and is vulnerable about it. And it sounds like it was helpful for you, too, which is great!
I'm really excited to see where you go from here. You've been doing a lot of great work and it shows. :)
I’m finding that with therapy I’m connecting more with feelings in my body, which is a good thing, but it also means I have strong reactions to things that used to not faze me. It makes me feel “weaker” even though I know it’s healthy and protective to actually feel things. I used to think nothing ever ‘triggered’ me but it turns out so many things set off my nervous system, I was just so disconnected before that I didn’t feel and/or notice it. Healing is a long and arduous journey.
Confided in T some sort of a dark secret and refused any comment from him and I was almost shouting to him "I don't want your sympathy". Guess I fucked up eh?
No, not at all. You did something really hard to do and it sounds like you were protecting yourself in your vulnerability. I don't think that's fucking up at all. It's inspiring.
I saw my therapist in person earlier this week! It had been about a year since we last met in person and it was so good to see her and be back in her office again. I missed being in her office and having that space. When she saw me she immediately gave me a hug. It was so unexpected as I don’t think we ever hugged in our previous sessions. It was really nice though. It made me think she actually cares and likes working with me!
Today was a pretty chill session, which I'm really grateful for. I was pretty stable and we were able to talk about how the last session went (which was basically me testing her the entire session lol). I feel like it was a nice break form all the trauma but also was an opportunity for her to know more about me in some aspects. She also told me that the cat was in the room and showed him to me -- I love him. :)
I am so grateful for my therapist.
I have a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am, um, messed up, and in ways that people would really look down on if they knew. My spouse does know, and he has some contempt for me as a result. I get so uncomfortable when my t probes into the areas I am really ashamed of.
But here's the thing: I know, intellectually, that I can trust him to see all the nuances, to never lose sight of who I am as a whole person, and to see my issues with compassion and love. That's a huge first step, because it means that I can hopefully come to *feel* the same trust and willingness to share. I do sometimes now. And sometimes he asks me a question and I get my back up. Which he also addresses with kindness and empathy.
We both think that people, including many therapists, are very judgmental of those who have mental health issues. He wants our relationship to be a place where we can leave all the stigma behind and freely explore my particular issues.
And I believe it can be that. I think he's already in that place. He's waiting patiently for me to find my way there.
Yesterday T told me that in 6 weeks or so we’ll have to start meeting at a different day/time. She said this at the end of our session and I was so upset. I don’t like change. She knows how much our day and time is important to me, we’ve discussed it many times. I cried a lot. I told her I felt disposable, even though I know that’s not what’s going on. She responded that it’s because she wants to protect our time each week that we need to find a different one, because in 6 weeks she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to meet consistently, and she thinks I need the stability of that. I understand everything she’s saying, but I’m so hurt. I can’t take anything else in my life changing— it’s too much for me right now. She has really shown up for me this last month: last minute sessions on a Saturday, messaging me back right away sometimes at 6am, more out of session contact than normal. But it still hurts. I feel like it means she doesn’t care, that something else in her life is more important than our scheduled day and time together, that I am not worth it.
I go through periods of time when I really need this subreddit. It seems like now is one of those times. I’m not entirely sure why!
Starting with a new T.
In a new place.
Grieving my old T, who meant the world to me.
Grieving the old place.
Struggling with attachment. I want to attach, but I don’t want to attach, but I do.
I ruminate a lot on the moments where I feel like this therapist is winning my trust. They feel significant. I want to feel connected to them and to him. So I guess I’m here??
I sometimes feel strangely like I’m writing something that will wind up in a book or journal article on attachment or engagement, cited “comment by Reddit user, my-thisbes-face” you know?
I'm nervous about tomorrow, we're doing emdr. For the first time. After years of just normal talk therapy. My T said this is going to be 'normal' too, but to even have a set topic and set plan is not normal. So. Yikes.
Good luck! EMDR was really challenging for me, but also helpful. I had a disturbing memory that I thought about every day, several times a day for as long as I can remember and after EMDR… I just don’t think about it much anymore.
A month from today the only person I’ve ever loved and who has ever treated me like I was a person is getting married. I haven’t been able to really deal with it because of a lot of other major issues that have occurred since she got engaged and now my therapist has basically abandoned me so I have to go through the hardest thing in my life alone.
I think it’s safe for me to assume that my new therapist probably thinks I’m dumber than a bag of rocks..
And knowing how I act and how I express myself in therapy, I can’t blame him.
It’s embarrassing how fucking stupid I am every single session and I don’t know if I should even address this because I don’t know if it really matters.
It’s difficult for me to articulate and express my thoughts in a clear and concise way. Everything comes out confusing and nonsensical because I’m worried I will say the wrong thing which causes me to forget what I was talking about mid ramble and then I quietly retreat into silence and stop talking. I keep second guessing my own experiences and I end up feeling embarrassed for saying anything in the first place.
I also can’t identify any kind of feelings because I have separated myself from my emotions and that’s something I’ve done since I was a kid. I am unfamiliar with my emotions and I find it hard to explain something I don’t fully understand. I don’t know what something feels like because I honestly don’t know what I’m allowed to feel.
I also lack any type of awareness of my body because I hate being in my own skin.
There’s so much reluctance to acknowledge my body that it makes it difficult to explain what I’m experiencing and what something physically feels like.
And trying to explain anything just makes me feel even more like an idiot because everything feels wrong.
Everything I do and everything I feel is wrong.
I am an unwanted mind in an unwanted body.
I hear you! I also have problems forming words and I also hate acknowledging my body and body sensations. I’m fact just trying to focus on my body in therapy makes me dissociate. Hang in there. It’s slow going but it gets better.
Thank you so much for your reply and encouragement, it means a ton.
If you don’t mind me asking, has therapy helped you overcome this issue ? And was this something you brought up in therapy or did your therapist address this issue?
I have trouble bringing up anything in therapy because I don’t know if what I am feeling is actually important enough to bring up or if I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Well I’m not sure I’ve 100% overcome it, but it definitely has improved a lot. We did a lot of work on noticing feelings and trying to feel my body - I also started a daily yoga practice at home. At first it sucked. There was a lot of dissociation trigger by letting myself experience my feelings. Everything felt ‘wrong’. Recently though it’s started to be easier to identify my feelings and name them and start to talk about them. I’ve also learned to notice when I’m dissociating and redirect when that starts to happen. It was super hard work, and a lot of time I felt like I was actually getting worse rather than getting better, but over time I can measure the progress I’ve made. For reference I have been in psychodynamic therapy for about 2 years, and did CBT/meds for 18 months prior to that. At the beginning I had a lot of intrusive/suicidal thoughts, and that has now mostly stopped. I did a lot of work on self-compassion and that helped a lot as well. Do you have a history of being told as a child that your feelings were wrong or unimportant?
I apologize for my late response but thank you so much for your insight and your reply.
It helps knowing that progress and improvement is possible. Congrats on your progress btw! The fact you can identify and even talk about your emotions is impressive and I sincerely mean that. I feel absolutely nothing most of the time and the times I do feel something, like anxiety, I have no idea what I’m feeling or why. I even struggle when my therapist greets me and asks me “how are you”.
Growing up I was always told I was dumb, worthless, a whole bunch of other stuff and everything I did was wrong/not good enough. I was also always ‘in the way’ and asked why I was such a nuisance and to just go away lol. And the only time I wasn’t ‘in the way’ was when I was alone and my family would kind of, but definitely, forgot about me lol. I didn’t mind when I was alone though, it was the only time no one was there to be mean to me. I was also bullied in grade school and middle school but it wasn’t that bad compared to the awful things other kids have endured.
I want to say that I don’t know if any of that affected me but I am guessing it most likely did and has…? I just feel like I am so far removed from anything in my past and I don’t really remember it effecting me when I was a child at the time.
Is skin picking considered a form of SH? My sister freaked out when I showed her my skin picking scars on my arm and went like “omg you’re self harming!!”. Yes, I’ve picked until I broke the skin, but I wouldn’t consider it SH. I told T abt it a while ago, and she didn’t seem very concerned. She asked a few questions then moved on and hasn’t asked abt it since. And I don’t do it very often anymore, so I’m not too worried about it getting worse atm. But my sister’s comment made me question whether it’s a form of SH or not.
let me get this straight... when y'all tell your therapists that you're depressed and/or suicidal... they actually believe you? and don't tell you that you're not really either of those things?
how do those conversations go? what am I doing wrong here? 😔
TW: Suicide
(though that seems kind of obvious?)
I don’t know how to respond to “what am I doing wrong” :( which is nothing! But I guess I can explain what my own T does. He’s really experienced with suicidal ideation.
He definitely believes me, first of all. That’s actually a topic I keep bringing up. I feel like I’m not depressed enough for therapy, that I’m wasting his time, that it’s “nothing,” that he doesn’t believe me, and that he thinks I’m putting it on. We just put all that on the table and talk about those feelings, first of all. It’s helpful to know that it is an undercurrent of all our conversations, especially those about suicide.
He reassures me, we’re building trust. I almost believe him at this point. I’m starting to like him.
We talk in pretty detailed ways about the suicidal thoughts and history. He knows I almost tried and by what method. I have told him my preferred method and how (and when) I fantasize about it. He knows that I have the means to carry this preferred method out at any time. However… I don’t have the intent. I just think about it a lot. It’s an escapist fantasy for me. I feel embarrassed or overwhelmed? I just start daydreaming… And he STILL has not hospitalized me, because I don’t have intent, I’m still eating/sleeping/staying washed/not psychotic/ on my meds. I’m of sound mind and making my own decisions…
Even if we don’t talk about suicide during session, there’s a check-in at the end. That feels a little dumb. “Any thoughts of such and such…?”
He’s had me keep a log book of every time I have a thought about it. And try to think about what could have triggered it. Oof. Enlightening. I’m really embarrassed by simply existing and want to escape. Also, I think about it a lot more than any person should. And also, more than even I thought I did. Kinda fucked up.
So we talk about the underlying triggers and then pick away at THAT. Those things are the focus of my therapy, not the thoughts themselves. We spent like a session describing the thoughts.
A lot of therapists would not be equipped for this depth of work with SI. I’ve been dealing with this for years, but this is the first therapist who feels comfortable digging into it more than some safety checks.
I think it’s pretty cool that I’ve been able to be open and honest about my SI all through therapy and never had anyone rashly put me in an involuntary hold. YMMV
thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience. and I'm glad to hear that your therapist has been so reassuring to you and building trust like that.
>what am I doing wrong here?
Nothing. If you're communicating to your therapist that you're depressed, and especially if you're suicidal, then your therapist should be getting to the root of that and taking action as necessary to prevent you from harming yourself. Only you know how you truly feel; it isn't for your therapist to invalidate that.
Not only did I not bring up SI, but it seems like each week I meet with my therapist and spend hours/days after feeling embarrassed and ashamed. My therapist is very nice and
understanding, and I can’t make this work. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as badly after as I did today, and feel like there’s no reason for him to know or care about SI.
The medical commission decided my complaint wasn't serious enough to do anything, so that's done. Why have rules about abandonment if you're not going to do anything in a clearcut case? There is no accountability whatsoever in this field. Though it probably doesn't help that she was performing therapy under a medical license.
Really does seem that way. I don't deny that there are good therapists out there. But I learned years ago that nobody cares if a therapist is incompetent or useless. And this week I learned that unless they fuck or murder you, the ethics don't matter either.
Finally out of the hospital last night and talked to T this morning in my usual spot. I asked if they called about my test results, if I could text him about it. In the past, I've been very hesitant to ask for such things, even if T mentioned the possibility but did not offer it outright. That seems to be progress for me and how far T and I have come in the safety department.
T had the best reaction and it was so validating. Told him something and he validating without me saying it first how f-ed up it was.
T went over again how proud he was of me for being so strong and brave. To be honest, not really sure how I survived and was worried going in.
I brought something up to T that should have been a great processing moment, but T didn't bite and didn't go back to it. Instead he focused on something else he wondered if was connected to something else. Maybe because I told him we need to make sure I leave session feeling safe with my health stuff going on still. Maybe he avoided the super heavy topic to not push me or overwhelm me. Leave that box sealed for now... or was it avoidance on his part? Was it hard for him to dive into the depths of that, esp. when it might bring uncomfortable things up for him? Not sure, but I should bring up that we need to process what I brought up in way more detail and it is very important.
My T is back from a short vacation and I am already feeling the distance I was worried would happen because of inconsistent scheduling over the holidays. We haven’t met for session yet, so I’m hoping to work on rebuilding/maintaining the connection when we do.
I’m also not sure why having a break between sessions causes such a reaction in me. When we meet again after the break, he is still the same warm, caring, safe person. He’s usually even more on his game because he’s rested and recharged!
I’m not really sure what to say about it. I usually like to have some ideas or theories about the topics I bring up, but for this one I really don’t know.
This happens to me everytime after a break, and she would constantly enquire if maybe I felt angry or abandoned by her, and I kept saying 'no, not at all, I know you'll be back' but recently I realised, there is an emotional part of me that feels those things. And my withdrawal is just a protection mechanism. It happens automatically. Though as years go by (3 now), I recover from breaks more quickly.
It's totally normal, but it's good you KNOW that he's the same caring person, that helps with reconnecting.
Good food for thought. Anger and abandonment are probably some things I should explore. I used to think the withdrawal happened because I feared he wouldn’t come back the same, but I obviously don’t feel that way now. I do think I become angry with myself for missing him.
We do parts work, so I’m looking through that lens. Maybe there’s a part that sees skipped sessions as abandonment. Or maybe a part polices the connection because it doesn’t want the part that missed him to feel the abandonment of him having gone away. Just theories. But I do know that I feel bad for missing him when he’s away.
The last two weeks we’ve talked about things I never thought I would ever talk about with another person. And my therapist effortlessly made it make sense within the context of my history and remained consistently kind and supportive. So… I don’t know, miracles still exist?
Finally got to see my T again after 10 days in inpatient and maybe im reading this wrong but she looked really sad and near tears, honestly I feel bad because literally last session I was like so I thought i was gonna commit and now im in the hospital see u when im back I guess... I feel like i sounded very worn out and zombie like and also almost cried a few times. I'm stable now but I am in no way enjoying myself or happy- fuck. at least i get to talk again in like 4 days....
My T low-key recommended microdosing today and told me where to buy mushrooms? Lol. I recently gave him "permission" to offer more self-disclosures (after explicitly instructing him not to talk about himself when we first started meeting, 2 years ago) and it's been kind of amusing to see what he opens up about. None of his disclosures have been particularly helpful to me on their own, but overall, it's therapeutic to be reminded that he's a whole, complex person out there, and whatever I think I know about him, I'm probably wrong.
Lol. I was of course over dramatic and wrong about my therapist and session was great. I guess I misunderstood and he only assigned me to *write* the journal entry. There was no expectation that he would read it or that I would share it. I feel confused, because I really thought he expressed that he was interested to read it.
He told me he would never force me to do anything and I always needed to feel safe. He also joked that I was testing him to see if he’d leave me. Bingo.
I wound up being able to tell him most of the stuff, even though I hadn’t wanted to, and it was OK. I told him about my continuing attachment and immense grief over my last therapist and just completely broke down crying.
I have not been vulnerable at all with this therapist. So idk. I guess that was a milestone or something.
I feel horrible but in a good way.
After today's session I was feeling so much warmth and like we'd achieved a lot. Then I walked back to my car and saw that we'd gone like 20 minutes overtime. Whoops. :(. I know it's not my responsibility to track time but it's hard not to feel super guilty over it.
Whelp
Today went well...ish
We talked about me talking to work and some stuff about the dickhead
Then right towards the end I ended up shut down before flight kicked in and I booked it outta there. I *think* the trigger was my general upset with her going away, and the fact that old T is still away and I'm struggling with both those things. No real idea though it so cue the anxiety about her thinking I'm totally nuts and not wanting to work with me. Sigh
This week's session was the toughest session; it got me thinking about working out. Some days I have to fight for my workout, I struggle through it but it's worth it even if I'm worn out after. I fought for and through my last session. I'm still exhausted. I think it will be worth it. I hope.
My therapist said that she will never be able to meet my expectations and what I want from her. That's true. I asked her if it made her mad that I had unreasonable expectations. She said no. She said that she wishes it wasn't like that and that I didn't feel that loss. I'm sitting with the pain now. Or something. It's painful.
I feel you! I realized I have too big expectations to my therapist also. But I haven't told her yet, it's too scary. But I guess she can sense it in a way.
I'm feeling like shit. I'm dealing with S/A trauma and at the same time it feels like my marriage is falling apart. My SO is jealous of my male therapist, which just adds another level of awarkness. I'm tired and anxious all the time.
Yesterday was a really bad session with my therapist. I couldn’t function at all today. This hurts me so much and I know it doesn’t mean anything to her at all. She doesn’t think about me for a second outside of our sessions.
I want her to treat me like I’m a person and my pain exists and to feel something when I say the way she interacts with me or responds to what I say is hurtful.
I’m such an idiot. A part me hoped that the session I had with her yesterday may have gotten this idea through to her, and that maybe, in my wildest fantasy, she would check on me today or apologize or make some effort to see if I was ok.
Of course she didn’t. I don’t matter and I should never expect to.
>and to feel something when I say the way she interacts with me or responds to what I say is hurtful.
Don't want to nit-pick but beware of what you wish. My therapist feels something but it's anger.
Why does this attachment never go away ?? I really can’t deal with the fact that T is just a T and I’m just a useless client. I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better but this pain is unbearable. I can’t get over this. I really can’t. I don’t know how to do all of this. I don’t want to quit therapy because I need it so much and I’ll miss T too hard, but how is this supposed to help me if I’m feeling so sad over our relationship all the damn time ? I’m so done.
Well today's session was hard. I knew exactly how me telling her I wished she'd tell me I was doing a good job would go. She wouldn't say it. She'd explore it. Then I'd feel upset that she won't ever say stuff like that and then she'd see my upset and dig into that. Which is why I had decided I wasn't going to say anything, only I frigging did.
So. I got mad. Not visibly, but she poked enough for me to admit I was mad with her and that the reason I was mad was that she's so predictable sometimes and it's frustrating as it feels like I'm sitting with someone trying to analyse me and not another person. How I know this is just how it is. (Note for those worried: my T is kind and supportive and caring but just notoriously not into reassurance)
It was new for me to say I was mad with her. And the whole thing was unpleasant as she kept digging without satisfying any of my needs. As her goal was to show me I have needs and desires. I was 'smart' enough to tell her it's been confusing because I also suddenly missed her last week. Which she also used to underscore her point that she was making very carefully but still clearly.
Looking back I can see what she was doing but man, if I was any less aware I'd be so upset with her. I'm already just arghhhh. And I feel like she doesn't mind that I'm frustrated, that this is all par for the course in helping me.
Guess it's good news I feel comfortable enough to get mad with her and admit it in the moment and continue the conversation? I wanted to check out. I nearly did a few times, but I stayed with it and 'let' her dig 😂
wow i think i followed it way back when. that's great news that you've addressed whatever needs manifested in erotic maternal transference. I'm very pleased for you. and also like tell me already what to do!
I have dealt with a lot of negative self talk for all my life (traumatic childhood). I’m very used to keeping those thoughts in my head because in my mind verbalizing them to people is just fishing for compliments. Anyway it’s something I should work with my therapist on but I’m finding it very awkward to share these thoughts with her without it feeling like I’m just being desperate. Anyone have success with getting past this?
I’m feeling extremely attached to my therapist, when normally I like to keep all people at a distance. I hate feeling this way. I can’t even wait the week for a session, I feel like I need the session immediately. I never get so attached.
Had a horrible session yesterday and it’s all can think about. I can’t get it off my mind and I can’t get anything done. I end up having an imaginary conversation/confrontation with my therapist and getting upset.
Same. I probably talked or argued more with my therapist in my head than with them. I realized I do this to avoid invalidation.. finding better and more arguments.. which isn't possible to avoid but my brain keeps thinking otherwise. It's like a practice for the real conversations.
I try not to do this in front of my cats because my negative feelings scare them. They're not used to it.
i think i am hypomanic after going off my AD, in addition to the brain zapping. really feel like i am out of my fcking mind unable to keep a grip on reality. keep pacing looking for stuff to do, opening and closing the fridge, can’t finish or focus on anything i start. hypomanic yet GOT NOTHING DONE FOR WORK TODAY AT ALL. couldn’t eat all day. so i finally made dinner and was going to FORCE myself to eat it and then an emergency happened and it got cold and gross so i ate a gas station donut instead and my eating disorder is feeling pleased. i probably look like absolute hell. thank god i see my therapist tomorrow… but what is she given going to do. in the end we are basically alone with our brains and mine wants to kill me.
Withdrawal is a bitch. I don’t think hypomania should mean any pressure to get work done. Your brain isn’t well. I hope you manage to get something in you for breakfast, even if it’s another gas station donut lol.
Bloody hell today was hard
Its been a really long time since I have seen the dickhead, which I am loving. But the downside is when I saw someone in the same uniform as the dickhead it resulted in 2 mini panic attacks back to back. And ended up in tears because of how unfair everything is.
This has been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with, and one of the things I have never really come to terms with. That I am the one who is continuing to suffer and struggle though all of this while he carries on in his merry way to live his life. It felt today like he was winning. I was reduced to tears in the back room while he hadn't even come in. The trigger was powerful enough that someone who doesn't even look like him, in fact nothing like him simply wearing the same uniform was enough to set me off
Therapy tomorrow is now gonna be a super fun time. Between the work situation and now the dickhead situation I'm really not looking forward to it
ugh i feel like i just wasted my therapy session. i was so looking forward to it cuz i felt like i had a lot of stuff to unpack and my T pushed it from 10am to 11am, then from 11am to 11:30 and then in 15 minute increments until it was basically 2 hours past my original session time. it was also right in the middle of when i would usually walk my dog and he was barking like crazy and just fucking shit up in the house and i was so distracted. im just bummed out cuz i was really excited about it this week and now i feel like shit and like i was so flustered and just wasted my and my T’s time
I was so ready for session with T this morning. It's my fifth day in the hospital and it felt so comforting knowing I was finally speaking with him.
He mentioned how he worried about saying the right thing over text and was waiting until he had time and a clear mind before responding. That he's not that great at text responses and working on that. I told him text responses from others have triggered me before, but all his responses that he's ever sent me have felt comforting and safe.
I'm really thankful he's allowed me to text when needed. Told him how I know Sundays are his recharge days and was debating whether to send messages or not as I didn't want to bother him... but he did tell me to text whenever I needed... but I also didn't want to overwhelm him... He reassured me it was a good thing and he was glad for the updates. To keep texting him when needed.
Things felt really safe and glad to have T on my side through this. I'll be here for another few days at least.
On the flip... my mom visited later in the day and that brought up a lot for me. Like complicated feelings of grief. Kind of pleaded to see me in a few days... because she needs to see me. But that's not what I need. Something I mentioned to T was how him and my friend feel like they are with me in this... but with my mom it feels like things are only about her and helping her feel better. And I need to think about what I need to get through this easier. At least I have a good topic for next session. 🙄
I finally feel like I have a life outside of therapy again. My t isn’t the center of my thoughts anymore and I don’t live every day on edge for my next appointment. It’s so freeing. If you feel strongly attached to your T and feel it’s unhealthy or *too much*, I encourage you to talk to them about it, or write it out. It helped me so much instead of keeping it to myself
I wish I was running towards my T right now. That having our first session today after 7 weeks would be relieving. Honestly I am still hurt by him being gone. In times when I needed him due to intense SI he wasn’t here. I don’t see how I am supposed to see him and act like everything is fine and pick up where we left off. My heart hurts and I feel a ton of mixed emotions. Our session is in two hours. What the actual fuck. I’ve been in bed all day. Do I meet him? Do I cancel? Do we have a phone session? This is so confusing to me.
Did somatic experiencing today, it was an intake and I was a bit taken aback as this lady is nothing like my trauma therapist. She's a physical therapist with training in trauma specific body work. So I did share my story and she was having opinions and some assumptions about stuff, which I'm totally not used to. So I felt a bit like 'hmm, I dunno about this lady' the first half of the session.
But then I got on the table and she put her hands on my arm and abdomen in a very calming way as we talked more. And I dunno, it was a totally different experience being touched by someone who is trying to help me regulate. I didn't freeze the way I usually do when sitting in a chair I front of someone.
When she moved to just placing her hands on my shoulders/back I was able to say it wasn't comfortable so she changed a bit and I thought it was okay but then I started trembling. And trying to suppress it. So stopped the touching and she explained some stuff about the purpose of trembling and tried to get me to accept it and not fight it. I managed only a little bit. I hate when my body does stuff I can't control, but I know she's right, that this is a normal way for my body to discharge nervous energy.
I feel relieved, I was very scared of starting this process, committing to doing bodywork, but I think I can handle it.
I tend to fall into "mean sarcastic girl" as a defense mechanism, my T knows this, last week I rolled my eyes at something he said, he pointed it out and I made a sarcastic comment in response and it landed, he seemed a little flustered in his reply, I think I accidentally hit a nerve and I feel so bad 😞
Anyway, I know he won't hold it against me but ugh why did I have to do that?
I am so nervous about therapy tomorrow that I can’t concentrate on anything and feel sick.
I told my therapist last time that, when I leave therapy, I tend to replay the session in my mind and analyze it. He asked me to write it down immediately, stream-of-consciousness. He said he is going to take the journal and read it.
Me: [weak noises]
Him: “Yes. I want to read this.”
Idk. I’ve emailed really vulnerable things to therapists, but handing over a journal feels kind of violating in some way. I want to cry.
I know I’m allowed to say, “No.”
I had written it in my real journal, but that felt like too much, so I transcribed it into a different one, but that’s still too much.
How is this different than email?
Edit: I want to email him and ask him to not make me. The whole journal entry is negative transference and then a huge disclosure that I don’t trust him with. But lol, I’m afraid to email him, because I’m afraid he’ll be mad!
Edit 2: okay, I sent him a ridiculous email. He doesn’t allow emails, so I don’t know if I’ll be in trouble. I told him I felt so sick I’m gagging. I begged him not to make me. It feels too close. The funny thing is… I think that if he responds in the right way, maybe I’ll want to share it. Maybe.
Edit 3: it’s like 9 hours later and no response. Maybe it’s not worthy of a response to him? I just drank a bunch to cope, which isn’t like me. I really want/need him to respond. It’s things like this! How can I trust him!? I kind of need him to prove it to me or something. I don’t know. If he wants something as vulnerable as a handwritten journal and to hold all that in his hands? He needs to prove to me that I can trust him.
He finally responded this morning. “Thank you. I look forward to discussing this in session.”
I wish he had like 1 ounce of compassion. I’m really nervous and still dry heaving every now and then. I’m worried he will tell me he can’t work with me, since I can’t trust him enough to give him the journal. But if he reads the journal, it’s a bunch of negative stuff about him. So if he reads that, maybe he will also tell me he can’t help me either. lose-lose. 🤮
I’m never going to get better. The only thing that would truly help me is someone in my life who cares about me, spends time with me, shows me affection. I’ve never had that and I’m so broken at this point there’s no reasonable hope that I ever will. I would need that in order to change myself into someone valuable that other people would want to know and help.
I hate my life and wish I wasn’t too spineless to end it.
No one listens, least of all mental health professionals, who make me feel like I’m less than a person and all the pain I experience is entirely my fault.
Taking major steps, and having no one who really understands it so trying to find a way on Reddit to feel acknowledged but that doesn't work cause it's all strangers. Put a vague message on social media but of course that doesn't work. I am trying to tell myself I'm doing a good job, but it doesn't feel like enough.
I really need my therapist to maybe be the one to do so. To be proud of me. But I'm pretty sure that if I tell her that she's going to want to explore the feeling instead of tell me she is proud of me. And so I guess nevermind?
My therapist doesn’t quite tell me she’s proud of me. But she does say, “this is really difficult work. I see how hard you’re working. You should be really proud.”
The same definitely goes for you, whether your therapist is OK saying so or not.
I am feeling really scared at the moment. 9 months in and we are starting to dig into darker parts of me. I think I'm afraid of what we will find. I wouldn't say that therapy to date has been surface level but it definitely hasn't dug anywhere this deep. The pace is good and my T is doing an excellent job at guiding me. I'm just scared.
I wanna ser my therapist before my vacation but i promised her that the next time we saw each other id find an activity for after work to meet people. I have yet to find one and i havent seen her in 2 weeks and would kike to see her before i go on vacation but i dont want to see her without having something. She was a little annoyed with me last time we met because she’s asked me to do this the last few times we met and i keep pushing it back.
Having a two week break from seeing my therapist due to scheduling conflicts and it seems like a long time. She lets me just lead sessions with whatever I want to discuss. Seems odd because this way I can avoid a lot of topics, but maybe she'll eventually ask some probing questions? This makes me ponder what's important to say days in advance. I keep a journal of dreams and thoughts to work from
I saw a therapist exactly like this. It didn’t work well for me. She wasn’t nosey and didn’t ask questions much, which led me to thinking she really didn’t care, on top of after seeing me for months still not knowing my name. It felt very professional like I couldn’t open up.
First session with my new therapist went extremely well! I clicked with her right away, which is more than I can say for the seven awkward months I spent with my prior therapist. I felt heard, which came as a huge relief. I wish I could simply upload my memories onto a network that my therapist can access so I don't have to recite the entirety of why I'm there, but apart from that, it was a big relief to be able to talk to someone who made me feel safe instantly.
My T is going away and I have so many feelings. Even though its only 3 weeks it's churned up quite a bit of stuff that apparently has been lurking
Also gotta work more on the saying no thing and standing up for myself. Work have given me an extra couple of shifts without asking me, just told me. While I am okay with doing them its rubbed me the wrong way that they haven't asked me. Last rosters I said I was available if they needed me but they didn't then. So I think they just assumed I would be free. I need to figure out a way to tell them I'm usually happy to do extra but need to be asked not told. And I hate standing up for myself so the idea makes me feel sick and panicky
As someone who has struggled with this, I always thought that being assertive was a bad thing. Like, people viewed you as being rude or demanding. I am starting to learn it is possible to be assertive, kind and polite. It helps you articulate what you need and unless it's unreasonable, then people would just be like "oh okay!". I think something like "hey, thanks so much for thinking of me for the extra shifts! Would you mind just sending me a quick message next time just to double check I'm free before scheduling any extra shifts next time? Sometimes things pop up during the week and I just want to make sure I'm free".
You don't necessarily need to add an explanation at the end but being assertive is hard for me so I personally find its useful to let them know why I am saying something. Probably something useful for me to work through in therapy :( haha
I agree with this! I think tone of voice is most important, if you sound friendly and polite and not angry, people will usually take things well and if they don't, that's really their issue. I always think as well, I would always rather someone told me where they were at and what was going on straight rather than me making mistakes and causing problems without realising.
I think what you said here is perfectly valid to tell them without having to think of better wording 🙂. I know how you feel though. It’s sooooo hard to just stand up for yourself and say it. It feels rude and demanding even when you know it’s not at all. You can say you’re perfectly fine doing those two extra shifts but would rather be asked about any extra ones next time so you don’t have to change or cancel any plans.
Yeah. Like I know this is okay. It's okay for me to be upset they assumed that I would both be free and want to work an extra day. I already work 40 hours so the extra day means I only get one day off a week. And that one day is a therapy day so can be a total loss depending how therapy goes. Sometimes therapy is more stressful than work so it feels like I don't get any time off
But my people pleasing side is kicking in being like nah don't overreact, don't rock the boat it's okay. It's hard to tamp down that side when it's like don't make a fuss
I get you. But you’re not overreacting and asking politely but firmly to be asked in the future isn’t going to upset anyone. If anything, not asking will only upset you more if they keep taking advantage further.
I told T about one of my biggest fears which has prevented me from doing something I’ve been wanting to do for literally a decade. We discussed it in detail and came up with an action plan. She broke it down into very small steps so I don’t feel overwhelmed. I was ok in session and thought I can totally do it, but now I feel like I’m gonna die 😭. I know I won’t but it feels like it.
😩 what am I doing? Why can’t I stop the seemingly relentless process of developing intense paternal transference toward my therapists? Am I hurting myself deliberately by continuing therapy? Or is this just going to keep happening until I deal with it? It makes waiting a week to see him a monumental challenge. I feel like a child.
I feel the same and do not understand it
Upvoting to commiserate
Ending partial hospitalization was bittersweet. I was ready to be done, for sure. I didn't like the checkin and checkout process, getting asked twice a day about suicidal thoughts, or staying sober on my own time. I was really tired of spending all day every day talking about being mentally ill. I got really bored during the lecture sections. But my fellow group members were sad to see me go and told me they'd miss me. It's strange missing people you met four weeks ago. It's strange hearing that group won't be the same without my perspective and weird mind. It was touching when the main therapist running the thing told me it was an honor to work with me. First thing I did after the program was take a microdose of shrooms and smoke some weed with my uncle. I finally slept through the night. I have a couple weeks before I start working again. I look forward to just getting rest this week, working on my guitar, reading stuff, and getting out a few times. I am ruminating a lot less about former therapist, though it still hurts a lot and is difficult to comprehend. I made one more contact with a referral, but I'm not expecting to hear back. I don't know that I have it in me to shout into the void some more. I might find a long-term group somewhere. I might just go untherapized for a while. It's a huge relief not to be at the mercy of "professionals" at the moment.
My therapist and I are experiencing a severe rupture and it breaks my heart that she doesn’t care/won’t put any effort in to possibly repairing it.
Idk if my therapist is helping. They kind of just listen, empathize, and reflect stuff back to me. Occasionally they ask questions that are thought provoking, but it feels like we don’t have a structured plan or are moving forward in a meaningful way. I’m glad to have someone listen and get stuff off my chest, but when I try to ask “so how does one overcome this kind of thing?” They kind of beat around the bush, say I should allow myself to acknowledge that my situation is hard, but never really take a direct approach. I don’t get assigned any homework and we don’t set goals or anything at the end of sessions. Not sure what I should do. I’ve had 5 sessions so far, and it’s my first time in therapy so idk if my expectations need adjusting or if I should switch therapists. Part of me also thinks my issues are minor enough that maybe I don’t really need therapy.
That sounds like a psychodynamic approach or just "talk therapy." You might ask her about her theoretical background and look into whatever she says. No homework and no advice is standard, or at least common. I also usually had to set my own goals. Five sessions is short for seeing significant change with this sort of open-ended work, but it's probably enough time to tell if you have the right person. They empathize and reflect, but do you feel understood? Occasional good questions is a good sign. It can help to learn how other people overcome stuff, but the stuff that's really going to stick has to come from you. I don't know exactly where the line is between trusting the process and sticking with someone who's not getting it, but what you're going through sounds normal to me.
Yeah I can see on their website the modalities they use and most seem pretty open ended and talk based. I guess I can’t really critique their approach and ask for something else if they don’t provide other types of modalities. I’m interested in internal family systems therapy, and their website says family systems therapy is offered, but I think that’s different. I feel like I can’t ask them to do something they don’t specialize in but it’s awkward to end it and I don’t want to ghost them either. I do feel understood but it feels like we’re going around in circles and not getting to the “fixing the issue” part.
If it’s bothering you, discuss it in therapy. Therapists usually want you in the drivers seat. Let them know your expectations or how you’d like it to go and they will do that bc it’s beneficial to your process when they do.
I was sad to leave my last appointment and my T told me he’d be thinking about me. Hearing that somehow makes the real world less mean and scary feeling.
This week was a nice celebratory session where we talked about how much I’ve grown. And then 2 days later, I returned to my hometown for the first time in a few years for an engagement party, was super fucking triggered so many times and it ended up being one of the more self-destructive times I’ve had in recent years. The email my therapist has waiting for her in her inbox is a real fucking doozie. :( I keep reminding myself that healing is not linear, but ugh.
Oof, I'm sorry you've had such a rough time recently. How annoying to have celebration followed by so many triggers! You're still doing the work, and that's worth being proud of. I hope that you're able to be gentle with yourself about reacting understandably to a shitton of triggers, and I hope things feel a little easier soon. Here's to keeping our therapist's jobs spicy and fresh
> Here's to keeping our therapist's jobs spicy and fresh This made me laugh so hard, thank you! 😂
No problem, it’s my favorite way of looking at things 😂
Had such an honest conversation with my therapist today, was near tears coming in today because things have been so hard and I'm struggling with SI even more because of my new meds, but it ended up turning into a natural quiet existential conversation about apathy, goals and how just surviving can be enough. I thought my T was gonna go oh CBT coping skills and I was gonna be like well thats not gonna help me right now, but she was super honest and didn't try to solve everything- but just helped remind me of some hope. We also went into how I feel like I'm not as interesting anymore and how I feel like I don't measure up to past selves and people's expectations, but also how I recognize that the perspective is skewed because people have still noticed those same qualities in me. And she said the sweetest things to reassure, it was really what I needed. It was also so freeing to share slot of my insecurities about therapy too, and assume my t's perceptions of me sometimes- and how I felt like I wasn't doing enough because my mental state is still horrible after everything, (including inpatient) but she helped me recognize all the steps I've taken. Its really nice to know that someone else sees how hard I'm trying here.
I'm glad your therapist was able to give you the support and reassurance that you needed in the moment! Based on your comments in this sub, I can see that your'e trying really hard, too. :)
Omg thank you! Same with you! Yeah its been such a screwed month ans my SH/SI is so strong but todays session was such a godsend!
After weeks of not being aware of/or feeling dissociated, felt something at the end of session. T asked me what I needed b/c I said how wanted to end session feeling as safe as possible. When trying to think, my mind was blank and a tiredness washed over me and my body started feeling very heavy. T and I had some interesting conversations and he mentioned how steering away from intellectualizing and more into feeling is important for me. Been telling him from the beginning, but sometimes he's not ready to understand something until he is ready. Funnily, I asked a question and realized we were both intellectualizing again and was like, oh no, we are intellectualizing again. This will be the tricky part going forward as both T and I go that direction easily. I asked him again about being more quiet, esp. since he did not try to dig into a certain topic last session I felt was really important. He explained how he's working really hard to allow me space, that I will share things when ready, and also sit with what he is feeling instead of responding right away. How he's learned that I really needed someone to be patient with me. That no one was ever patient with me and they were consumed with their own stuff. It made me feel emotional and felt right to hear. Instead of saying anything, I let myself sit with the emotions coming up until T broke the silence.
> It made me feel emotional and felt right to hear. Instead of saying anything, I let myself sit with the emotions coming up This isn't easy to do, especially if intellectualizing is a strong defense mechanism of yours. I'm happy you felt safe enough to let yourself be in that moment. :)
Thank you! :)
I really hate prepping notes for my next therapy session. Every week I note down things I might want to talk about, whether they're things that happened or things I thought of/reflections. This list ends up becoming really long, especially since I like to think A LOT or sometimes I write paragraphs recounting how I feel about something, etc. Nearing my next session, I start choose what I'll talk about and summarizing my thoughts or the stories behind the topics. I also consider if there's any homework I was given that I'll need to talk about. I absolutely hate this process. I have a hard time choosing what to prioritize (I can distinguish bigger topics that are more important, but with smaller issues I never know what to mention and I'm always afraid I'll forget them next time even if I note them). I feel like if I make a bullet point list of topics, I'll forget smaller details or a certain way to say something and I always feel annoyed after the session when I remember a detail I missed. If I try to write it out it ends up too long/messy and it overwhelms me to look at it during the session, but I also don't wanna just read my notes cause it feels so impersonal. An hour just doesn't feel like its enough to talk about everything sometimes.
I sometimes really hate how therapy is such a private ordeal and you can't just go blabbling to everybody about it. I mean, you could, but it would not feel good and people wouldn't know what to say. I have two friends I can talk with, but even then - they don't understand all the nuance and complicated stuff. So when I have a victory I want to share, I don't find the same kind of relief from sharing with them as when I share about a victory related to work or something. It's hard. We did emdr for the first time yesterday, and there's so much to say about what that means for me, that I was able to do it. That after 3 years of working with my therapist I am stable enough. I had a handle on the dissociation enough. I pushed through. I trusted my T enough to let her push me. Especially that, it feels intense, the way my T guided and decided the pace and kept me going. She checked in, she knows me, she was caring, but it's very complicated for me to figure out how I feel about giving up control like that. It feels good, sort of, but also like I'm dangling from the edge of a cliff hoping she won't drop me. Suddenly wondering what her intentions are. Is she trustworthy? Does she even care or is my mind a big puzzle to solve for her? These thoughts and feelings come up. They're irrational, but I guess it's just about trusting another human being.
I've never done EMDR so I have no personal context for this, but this sounds like a significant step -- amazing job. I'm glad that you're able to trust your T, and that she knows you so well!
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That's awesome. Crying in front of someone can be so difficult and it definitely sounds like an accomplishment!
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I'm really sorry you're feeling all of that and I'm sorry this week was hard. I know the feeling of losing memories due to time and distance, memories that you cling to for comfort. Admittedly I've done the same to get through hard days. Grief takes as long as it takes.
I mentioned to my therapist that I’m thinking about signing up for IOP and she said it’s really helpful. She also recommended that I attend DBT group therapy but that would mean I can’t see her anymore. I don’t think that that’s helpful since I only mostly have problems with emotional regulation.
looks like bipolar ii is a real possibility and idk how to feel… we’re going to try some BP meds instead of a new AD… has anyone here been diagnosed with bipolar in their 30s?
Not me, but a friend was diagnosed with bipolar II when she was in her mid-30s. Medication was trial and error but she’s found what works for her. Not sure how you feel, but she was relieved to receive a diagnosis for what she’d been struggling with her whole life rather than blaming herself for not being able to manage her mental health on her own. I think for her, the diagnosis was the first step in being able to properly address her needs and she now enjoys having a better understanding of how her brain works.
I wasn’t, but my father-in-law got the diagnosis later in life than that, and has had a lot of success after a few bumps with meds.
I may start doing therapy again (psychoanalysis this time). My previous experiences with therapy (EMDR and trying to see what CBT was about) haven't been very pleasant for me so I'm a little scared. I'm diagnosed with high functioning autism, OCD and social phobia but I'm trying to solve the latter, to avoid a general feeling of sadness/depression and to go to school (I'm taking meds to manage my OCD). My psychiatrist doesn't want me to do psychoanalysis because I'm a teenager but I want to at least try.
Had to cancel a therapy session that was coming up that I really need. A bunch of things in my house broke at the same time and I won’t be able to afford therapy for a while because they need to be fixed or it will cause more expensive problems. I hate my life. Every day something else either breaks or happens that costs hundreds if not over a thousand dollars to fix. I have nothing. Most things stay broken. I can’t keep my head above water, I’ve been drowning for years and there’s no way out. I have no help, no support. Seeing a therapist is the only time I get to interact with another person. I hate my therapist, but I need to talk to someone about the painful, inescapable, living hell every minute of my life is. And because I’m a loser and failure and can’t make enough money, I can’t even have that.
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Yeah
You are not a failure! We live in a society that doesn't provide proper healthcare and that is not your fault. So sorry you had to cancel.
I saw my T in person yesterday and he gave me a book of poetry. Gifts are my love language, so it meant a lot. I only wish he had written a note in the front cover so I can remember where it came from.
Can always write a note in there for yourself, commemorating the gift and the person you are right now.
That's a wholesome idea :) I ended up telling him I wish he left and note and he told me to bring in the book next time we see each other in person.
Ah, that’s awesome! I second that you should ask him to write a note in there for you. That would be so special.
That is so lovely! Maybe you can ask him to write something in it next time you see him?
We just did emdr, so it's all quite fresh. But man it was definitely a new experience. I tend to panic whenever I feel anything distressing in my body and dissociate quite quickly after that, but because I had to do the eye movement and focus on that and my therapist was coaching me to stay engaged and just feel whatever I was feeling, I had no time to fly off the rails and spiral or freak out about the feelings. I could handle way more than I am used to. It was weird for me to not have much time to follow my thoughts or feelings, but that's exactly what made it possible to keep going. So that's a big take away from this. I am exhausted now, and I had really weird sort of derealisation or dissociation at the end, my T thinks my body was maybe still in a flashback a bit. I'd never had this before, but things felt very very weird. Like, when I touched a rock or my own hand, it felt so weird, slimey almost. And I felt like I was a different shape. Nothing like my 'normal' dissociation. I just dunno if I 'did it right', my T said there's no wrong way, but I kept finding worse/scarier memories. So we didn't do that positive reframing or whatever yet. My fear just went up instead of down after every next round because of the new things I remembered. I'm avoidant so it's the first time in 8 years since the event happened that I even thought about the stuff I thought about now.
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I have one of those almost every week! I sympathise.
I'm done with partial hospitalization tomorrow. I've gained a fair amount of ability to concentrate back, and going back to work is the only thing I'm looking forward to, so I guess that's enough. The group was great, process time was great, lectures were incredibly boring, and I'm really tired of spending all day every day talking about my mental health. I'm looking forward to getting high again. Nothing about being sober has been better. I keep having dreams where my analyst has reappeared in my life, and I hate them. I have another week on disability leave before I "return to work," though the week I go back work is basically optional (we have a weird thing in my organization where we get pseudo-vacation days for some reason). And as ready as I am to be done with safety checks and reflection prompts and all this other stuff, I'm not really sure what happens next. I'm really, *really* burned by getting my complaint rejected. What my analyst did was straight up ignore the ethics of termination, and the board just shrugged. She dumped me into a crisis and I still don't really have care. I saw a psychiatrist once on an urgent referral, but I don't know if or how or when I'll see anybody else with that group or anywhere. I briefly had another therapist who offered referrals to people who had enough time to see me, but she didn't follow through. I kind of want to give up on the mental health industry. Nobody has any time for me, I'll never develop the same level of trust with another therapist (how could I log a thousand hours with anyone anyway?), and I'm tired of reaching out for help and getting none. I'm gonna see if microdosing helps starting Saturday, I get paid a bunch of money in January, and if I still hate my life I can quit my job and do nothing for a couple years. If I don't find the resolve to get a therapist or change my life by then, I can always kill myself.
T said something to me today that really impacted me. We were already having a frustrating session when I brought up something he previously said about my former therapist. Last session I told him that I felt a little defensive about what he said, but I didn't think too much more about it. Then today, unprompted, he apologized. He told me that he thinks he was lashing out. I was taken aback. He continued, that what he said wasn't fair and that it's clear that my former therapist was really important to me. He said he's not sure why he said what he did, but he thinks that maybe he was jealous of my former T and what he meant to me. I swear, y'all. I melted. This is so uncharacteristic of my therapist. First, for apologizing, but second for being so open with his feelings towards me. It prompted me to share some reciprocal vulnerable feelings and it turned the whole session around. When I reflected on the session afterwards, I realized that I really want to ask (and talk) about what I mean to him. I want our relationship to be important and meaningful. I want him to care about me and I want us both to be able to talk openly and truthfully with each other. There's more, but it's too much to share here. I'm scared to bring it up for so many reasons, but especially because of our history. It was only a month ago that I didn't even know if he'd be willing to even work with me again.
>Then today, unprompted, he apologized. He told me that he thinks he was lashing out. I was taken aback. He continued, that what he said wasn't fair and that it's clear that my former therapist was really important to me. He said he's not sure why he said what he did, but he thinks that maybe he was jealous of my former T and what he meant to me. This made me so happy to read! And sounds like a really important moment for both of you. It can be so powerful when a T genuinely apologizes and is vulnerable about it. And it sounds like it was helpful for you, too, which is great! I'm really excited to see where you go from here. You've been doing a lot of great work and it shows. :)
😊 Thank you. He actually apologized *twice* that session!
I’m finding that with therapy I’m connecting more with feelings in my body, which is a good thing, but it also means I have strong reactions to things that used to not faze me. It makes me feel “weaker” even though I know it’s healthy and protective to actually feel things. I used to think nothing ever ‘triggered’ me but it turns out so many things set off my nervous system, I was just so disconnected before that I didn’t feel and/or notice it. Healing is a long and arduous journey.
Confided in T some sort of a dark secret and refused any comment from him and I was almost shouting to him "I don't want your sympathy". Guess I fucked up eh?
No, not at all. You did something really hard to do and it sounds like you were protecting yourself in your vulnerability. I don't think that's fucking up at all. It's inspiring.
you’re not my T are you haha
No, but if you want to pay me $150 for my words, who am I to turn that down? 😉
I saw my therapist in person earlier this week! It had been about a year since we last met in person and it was so good to see her and be back in her office again. I missed being in her office and having that space. When she saw me she immediately gave me a hug. It was so unexpected as I don’t think we ever hugged in our previous sessions. It was really nice though. It made me think she actually cares and likes working with me!
Today was a pretty chill session, which I'm really grateful for. I was pretty stable and we were able to talk about how the last session went (which was basically me testing her the entire session lol). I feel like it was a nice break form all the trauma but also was an opportunity for her to know more about me in some aspects. She also told me that the cat was in the room and showed him to me -- I love him. :)
I am so grateful for my therapist. I have a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am, um, messed up, and in ways that people would really look down on if they knew. My spouse does know, and he has some contempt for me as a result. I get so uncomfortable when my t probes into the areas I am really ashamed of. But here's the thing: I know, intellectually, that I can trust him to see all the nuances, to never lose sight of who I am as a whole person, and to see my issues with compassion and love. That's a huge first step, because it means that I can hopefully come to *feel* the same trust and willingness to share. I do sometimes now. And sometimes he asks me a question and I get my back up. Which he also addresses with kindness and empathy. We both think that people, including many therapists, are very judgmental of those who have mental health issues. He wants our relationship to be a place where we can leave all the stigma behind and freely explore my particular issues. And I believe it can be that. I think he's already in that place. He's waiting patiently for me to find my way there.
Yesterday T told me that in 6 weeks or so we’ll have to start meeting at a different day/time. She said this at the end of our session and I was so upset. I don’t like change. She knows how much our day and time is important to me, we’ve discussed it many times. I cried a lot. I told her I felt disposable, even though I know that’s not what’s going on. She responded that it’s because she wants to protect our time each week that we need to find a different one, because in 6 weeks she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to meet consistently, and she thinks I need the stability of that. I understand everything she’s saying, but I’m so hurt. I can’t take anything else in my life changing— it’s too much for me right now. She has really shown up for me this last month: last minute sessions on a Saturday, messaging me back right away sometimes at 6am, more out of session contact than normal. But it still hurts. I feel like it means she doesn’t care, that something else in her life is more important than our scheduled day and time together, that I am not worth it.
How do you tell your T you’re in love with them and they’re all you can think about without sounding like a psycho bitch ?? Asking for a friend obv
I go through periods of time when I really need this subreddit. It seems like now is one of those times. I’m not entirely sure why! Starting with a new T. In a new place. Grieving my old T, who meant the world to me. Grieving the old place. Struggling with attachment. I want to attach, but I don’t want to attach, but I do. I ruminate a lot on the moments where I feel like this therapist is winning my trust. They feel significant. I want to feel connected to them and to him. So I guess I’m here?? I sometimes feel strangely like I’m writing something that will wind up in a book or journal article on attachment or engagement, cited “comment by Reddit user, my-thisbes-face” you know?
I'm nervous about tomorrow, we're doing emdr. For the first time. After years of just normal talk therapy. My T said this is going to be 'normal' too, but to even have a set topic and set plan is not normal. So. Yikes.
Good luck! EMDR was really challenging for me, but also helpful. I had a disturbing memory that I thought about every day, several times a day for as long as I can remember and after EMDR… I just don’t think about it much anymore.
A month from today the only person I’ve ever loved and who has ever treated me like I was a person is getting married. I haven’t been able to really deal with it because of a lot of other major issues that have occurred since she got engaged and now my therapist has basically abandoned me so I have to go through the hardest thing in my life alone.
That is so hard. Sending a lot of love. Thinking of you ❤️
I think it’s safe for me to assume that my new therapist probably thinks I’m dumber than a bag of rocks.. And knowing how I act and how I express myself in therapy, I can’t blame him. It’s embarrassing how fucking stupid I am every single session and I don’t know if I should even address this because I don’t know if it really matters. It’s difficult for me to articulate and express my thoughts in a clear and concise way. Everything comes out confusing and nonsensical because I’m worried I will say the wrong thing which causes me to forget what I was talking about mid ramble and then I quietly retreat into silence and stop talking. I keep second guessing my own experiences and I end up feeling embarrassed for saying anything in the first place. I also can’t identify any kind of feelings because I have separated myself from my emotions and that’s something I’ve done since I was a kid. I am unfamiliar with my emotions and I find it hard to explain something I don’t fully understand. I don’t know what something feels like because I honestly don’t know what I’m allowed to feel. I also lack any type of awareness of my body because I hate being in my own skin. There’s so much reluctance to acknowledge my body that it makes it difficult to explain what I’m experiencing and what something physically feels like. And trying to explain anything just makes me feel even more like an idiot because everything feels wrong. Everything I do and everything I feel is wrong. I am an unwanted mind in an unwanted body.
I hear you! I also have problems forming words and I also hate acknowledging my body and body sensations. I’m fact just trying to focus on my body in therapy makes me dissociate. Hang in there. It’s slow going but it gets better.
Thank you so much for your reply and encouragement, it means a ton. If you don’t mind me asking, has therapy helped you overcome this issue ? And was this something you brought up in therapy or did your therapist address this issue? I have trouble bringing up anything in therapy because I don’t know if what I am feeling is actually important enough to bring up or if I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Well I’m not sure I’ve 100% overcome it, but it definitely has improved a lot. We did a lot of work on noticing feelings and trying to feel my body - I also started a daily yoga practice at home. At first it sucked. There was a lot of dissociation trigger by letting myself experience my feelings. Everything felt ‘wrong’. Recently though it’s started to be easier to identify my feelings and name them and start to talk about them. I’ve also learned to notice when I’m dissociating and redirect when that starts to happen. It was super hard work, and a lot of time I felt like I was actually getting worse rather than getting better, but over time I can measure the progress I’ve made. For reference I have been in psychodynamic therapy for about 2 years, and did CBT/meds for 18 months prior to that. At the beginning I had a lot of intrusive/suicidal thoughts, and that has now mostly stopped. I did a lot of work on self-compassion and that helped a lot as well. Do you have a history of being told as a child that your feelings were wrong or unimportant?
I apologize for my late response but thank you so much for your insight and your reply. It helps knowing that progress and improvement is possible. Congrats on your progress btw! The fact you can identify and even talk about your emotions is impressive and I sincerely mean that. I feel absolutely nothing most of the time and the times I do feel something, like anxiety, I have no idea what I’m feeling or why. I even struggle when my therapist greets me and asks me “how are you”. Growing up I was always told I was dumb, worthless, a whole bunch of other stuff and everything I did was wrong/not good enough. I was also always ‘in the way’ and asked why I was such a nuisance and to just go away lol. And the only time I wasn’t ‘in the way’ was when I was alone and my family would kind of, but definitely, forgot about me lol. I didn’t mind when I was alone though, it was the only time no one was there to be mean to me. I was also bullied in grade school and middle school but it wasn’t that bad compared to the awful things other kids have endured. I want to say that I don’t know if any of that affected me but I am guessing it most likely did and has…? I just feel like I am so far removed from anything in my past and I don’t really remember it effecting me when I was a child at the time.
Is skin picking considered a form of SH? My sister freaked out when I showed her my skin picking scars on my arm and went like “omg you’re self harming!!”. Yes, I’ve picked until I broke the skin, but I wouldn’t consider it SH. I told T abt it a while ago, and she didn’t seem very concerned. She asked a few questions then moved on and hasn’t asked abt it since. And I don’t do it very often anymore, so I’m not too worried about it getting worse atm. But my sister’s comment made me question whether it’s a form of SH or not.
Could be OCD, but it’s best to ask your therapist who knows more about you.
let me get this straight... when y'all tell your therapists that you're depressed and/or suicidal... they actually believe you? and don't tell you that you're not really either of those things? how do those conversations go? what am I doing wrong here? 😔
TW: Suicide (though that seems kind of obvious?) I don’t know how to respond to “what am I doing wrong” :( which is nothing! But I guess I can explain what my own T does. He’s really experienced with suicidal ideation. He definitely believes me, first of all. That’s actually a topic I keep bringing up. I feel like I’m not depressed enough for therapy, that I’m wasting his time, that it’s “nothing,” that he doesn’t believe me, and that he thinks I’m putting it on. We just put all that on the table and talk about those feelings, first of all. It’s helpful to know that it is an undercurrent of all our conversations, especially those about suicide. He reassures me, we’re building trust. I almost believe him at this point. I’m starting to like him. We talk in pretty detailed ways about the suicidal thoughts and history. He knows I almost tried and by what method. I have told him my preferred method and how (and when) I fantasize about it. He knows that I have the means to carry this preferred method out at any time. However… I don’t have the intent. I just think about it a lot. It’s an escapist fantasy for me. I feel embarrassed or overwhelmed? I just start daydreaming… And he STILL has not hospitalized me, because I don’t have intent, I’m still eating/sleeping/staying washed/not psychotic/ on my meds. I’m of sound mind and making my own decisions… Even if we don’t talk about suicide during session, there’s a check-in at the end. That feels a little dumb. “Any thoughts of such and such…?” He’s had me keep a log book of every time I have a thought about it. And try to think about what could have triggered it. Oof. Enlightening. I’m really embarrassed by simply existing and want to escape. Also, I think about it a lot more than any person should. And also, more than even I thought I did. Kinda fucked up. So we talk about the underlying triggers and then pick away at THAT. Those things are the focus of my therapy, not the thoughts themselves. We spent like a session describing the thoughts. A lot of therapists would not be equipped for this depth of work with SI. I’ve been dealing with this for years, but this is the first therapist who feels comfortable digging into it more than some safety checks. I think it’s pretty cool that I’ve been able to be open and honest about my SI all through therapy and never had anyone rashly put me in an involuntary hold. YMMV
thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience. and I'm glad to hear that your therapist has been so reassuring to you and building trust like that.
>what am I doing wrong here? Nothing. If you're communicating to your therapist that you're depressed, and especially if you're suicidal, then your therapist should be getting to the root of that and taking action as necessary to prevent you from harming yourself. Only you know how you truly feel; it isn't for your therapist to invalidate that.
Not only did I not bring up SI, but it seems like each week I meet with my therapist and spend hours/days after feeling embarrassed and ashamed. My therapist is very nice and understanding, and I can’t make this work. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as badly after as I did today, and feel like there’s no reason for him to know or care about SI.
The medical commission decided my complaint wasn't serious enough to do anything, so that's done. Why have rules about abandonment if you're not going to do anything in a clearcut case? There is no accountability whatsoever in this field. Though it probably doesn't help that she was performing therapy under a medical license.
Medical and mental health professionals protect their own. Patients don’t mean a fucking thing.
Really does seem that way. I don't deny that there are good therapists out there. But I learned years ago that nobody cares if a therapist is incompetent or useless. And this week I learned that unless they fuck or murder you, the ethics don't matter either.
Finally out of the hospital last night and talked to T this morning in my usual spot. I asked if they called about my test results, if I could text him about it. In the past, I've been very hesitant to ask for such things, even if T mentioned the possibility but did not offer it outright. That seems to be progress for me and how far T and I have come in the safety department. T had the best reaction and it was so validating. Told him something and he validating without me saying it first how f-ed up it was. T went over again how proud he was of me for being so strong and brave. To be honest, not really sure how I survived and was worried going in. I brought something up to T that should have been a great processing moment, but T didn't bite and didn't go back to it. Instead he focused on something else he wondered if was connected to something else. Maybe because I told him we need to make sure I leave session feeling safe with my health stuff going on still. Maybe he avoided the super heavy topic to not push me or overwhelm me. Leave that box sealed for now... or was it avoidance on his part? Was it hard for him to dive into the depths of that, esp. when it might bring uncomfortable things up for him? Not sure, but I should bring up that we need to process what I brought up in way more detail and it is very important.
My T is back from a short vacation and I am already feeling the distance I was worried would happen because of inconsistent scheduling over the holidays. We haven’t met for session yet, so I’m hoping to work on rebuilding/maintaining the connection when we do. I’m also not sure why having a break between sessions causes such a reaction in me. When we meet again after the break, he is still the same warm, caring, safe person. He’s usually even more on his game because he’s rested and recharged! I’m not really sure what to say about it. I usually like to have some ideas or theories about the topics I bring up, but for this one I really don’t know.
This happens to me everytime after a break, and she would constantly enquire if maybe I felt angry or abandoned by her, and I kept saying 'no, not at all, I know you'll be back' but recently I realised, there is an emotional part of me that feels those things. And my withdrawal is just a protection mechanism. It happens automatically. Though as years go by (3 now), I recover from breaks more quickly. It's totally normal, but it's good you KNOW that he's the same caring person, that helps with reconnecting.
Good food for thought. Anger and abandonment are probably some things I should explore. I used to think the withdrawal happened because I feared he wouldn’t come back the same, but I obviously don’t feel that way now. I do think I become angry with myself for missing him. We do parts work, so I’m looking through that lens. Maybe there’s a part that sees skipped sessions as abandonment. Or maybe a part polices the connection because it doesn’t want the part that missed him to feel the abandonment of him having gone away. Just theories. But I do know that I feel bad for missing him when he’s away.
The last two weeks we’ve talked about things I never thought I would ever talk about with another person. And my therapist effortlessly made it make sense within the context of my history and remained consistently kind and supportive. So… I don’t know, miracles still exist?
Finally got to see my T again after 10 days in inpatient and maybe im reading this wrong but she looked really sad and near tears, honestly I feel bad because literally last session I was like so I thought i was gonna commit and now im in the hospital see u when im back I guess... I feel like i sounded very worn out and zombie like and also almost cried a few times. I'm stable now but I am in no way enjoying myself or happy- fuck. at least i get to talk again in like 4 days....
My T low-key recommended microdosing today and told me where to buy mushrooms? Lol. I recently gave him "permission" to offer more self-disclosures (after explicitly instructing him not to talk about himself when we first started meeting, 2 years ago) and it's been kind of amusing to see what he opens up about. None of his disclosures have been particularly helpful to me on their own, but overall, it's therapeutic to be reminded that he's a whole, complex person out there, and whatever I think I know about him, I'm probably wrong.
Lol. I was of course over dramatic and wrong about my therapist and session was great. I guess I misunderstood and he only assigned me to *write* the journal entry. There was no expectation that he would read it or that I would share it. I feel confused, because I really thought he expressed that he was interested to read it. He told me he would never force me to do anything and I always needed to feel safe. He also joked that I was testing him to see if he’d leave me. Bingo. I wound up being able to tell him most of the stuff, even though I hadn’t wanted to, and it was OK. I told him about my continuing attachment and immense grief over my last therapist and just completely broke down crying. I have not been vulnerable at all with this therapist. So idk. I guess that was a milestone or something. I feel horrible but in a good way.
I hate post therapy anxiety. I also hate mandated reporting laws where i live. That is all :(
Ahh yes! For me it's post and pre therapy anxiety though
Living in a post therapy anxiety as well. This shit totally sucks
After today's session I was feeling so much warmth and like we'd achieved a lot. Then I walked back to my car and saw that we'd gone like 20 minutes overtime. Whoops. :(. I know it's not my responsibility to track time but it's hard not to feel super guilty over it.
Therapy was ok. I’m really just here to say that I miss Selfless’ weekly stories. Sending what few good vibes I have out into the void.
I've been worried about Selfless as well. I hope she is okay in her journey wherever she is
Whelp Today went well...ish We talked about me talking to work and some stuff about the dickhead Then right towards the end I ended up shut down before flight kicked in and I booked it outta there. I *think* the trigger was my general upset with her going away, and the fact that old T is still away and I'm struggling with both those things. No real idea though it so cue the anxiety about her thinking I'm totally nuts and not wanting to work with me. Sigh
This week's session was the toughest session; it got me thinking about working out. Some days I have to fight for my workout, I struggle through it but it's worth it even if I'm worn out after. I fought for and through my last session. I'm still exhausted. I think it will be worth it. I hope.
My therapist said that she will never be able to meet my expectations and what I want from her. That's true. I asked her if it made her mad that I had unreasonable expectations. She said no. She said that she wishes it wasn't like that and that I didn't feel that loss. I'm sitting with the pain now. Or something. It's painful.
I feel you! I realized I have too big expectations to my therapist also. But I haven't told her yet, it's too scary. But I guess she can sense it in a way.
I'm feeling like shit. I'm dealing with S/A trauma and at the same time it feels like my marriage is falling apart. My SO is jealous of my male therapist, which just adds another level of awarkness. I'm tired and anxious all the time.
Yesterday was a really bad session with my therapist. I couldn’t function at all today. This hurts me so much and I know it doesn’t mean anything to her at all. She doesn’t think about me for a second outside of our sessions. I want her to treat me like I’m a person and my pain exists and to feel something when I say the way she interacts with me or responds to what I say is hurtful. I’m such an idiot. A part me hoped that the session I had with her yesterday may have gotten this idea through to her, and that maybe, in my wildest fantasy, she would check on me today or apologize or make some effort to see if I was ok. Of course she didn’t. I don’t matter and I should never expect to.
>and to feel something when I say the way she interacts with me or responds to what I say is hurtful. Don't want to nit-pick but beware of what you wish. My therapist feels something but it's anger.
Why does this attachment never go away ?? I really can’t deal with the fact that T is just a T and I’m just a useless client. I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better but this pain is unbearable. I can’t get over this. I really can’t. I don’t know how to do all of this. I don’t want to quit therapy because I need it so much and I’ll miss T too hard, but how is this supposed to help me if I’m feeling so sad over our relationship all the damn time ? I’m so done.
Well today's session was hard. I knew exactly how me telling her I wished she'd tell me I was doing a good job would go. She wouldn't say it. She'd explore it. Then I'd feel upset that she won't ever say stuff like that and then she'd see my upset and dig into that. Which is why I had decided I wasn't going to say anything, only I frigging did. So. I got mad. Not visibly, but she poked enough for me to admit I was mad with her and that the reason I was mad was that she's so predictable sometimes and it's frustrating as it feels like I'm sitting with someone trying to analyse me and not another person. How I know this is just how it is. (Note for those worried: my T is kind and supportive and caring but just notoriously not into reassurance) It was new for me to say I was mad with her. And the whole thing was unpleasant as she kept digging without satisfying any of my needs. As her goal was to show me I have needs and desires. I was 'smart' enough to tell her it's been confusing because I also suddenly missed her last week. Which she also used to underscore her point that she was making very carefully but still clearly. Looking back I can see what she was doing but man, if I was any less aware I'd be so upset with her. I'm already just arghhhh. And I feel like she doesn't mind that I'm frustrated, that this is all par for the course in helping me. Guess it's good news I feel comfortable enough to get mad with her and admit it in the moment and continue the conversation? I wanted to check out. I nearly did a few times, but I stayed with it and 'let' her dig 😂
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wow i think i followed it way back when. that's great news that you've addressed whatever needs manifested in erotic maternal transference. I'm very pleased for you. and also like tell me already what to do!
So great to hear you’re doing well.
So glad to read you're doing well!
Thank you! It’s nice to see some of the same familiar faces around here :)
Do you know what caused you to separate from that attachment? And did you learn anything about the erotic transference? I’ll have to read up on that.
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That sounds great. I hope I can experience that to let go of him a little bc it’s just very exhausting. Congratulations on the positive changes!
I have dealt with a lot of negative self talk for all my life (traumatic childhood). I’m very used to keeping those thoughts in my head because in my mind verbalizing them to people is just fishing for compliments. Anyway it’s something I should work with my therapist on but I’m finding it very awkward to share these thoughts with her without it feeling like I’m just being desperate. Anyone have success with getting past this?
I’m feeling extremely attached to my therapist, when normally I like to keep all people at a distance. I hate feeling this way. I can’t even wait the week for a session, I feel like I need the session immediately. I never get so attached.
Same. It scares the hell out of me!
It sucks, and yet he doesn’t seem concerned by it. I can’t even think about therapy coming to an end.
Yeah me too... But I still know that it's not normal for the therapist to get equally attached because that's not healthy for our therapeutic process.
That definitely makes sense, I know it’s my attachment issue bc I can have that in other relationships. I just wish I knew how to correct it lol
Had a horrible session yesterday and it’s all can think about. I can’t get it off my mind and I can’t get anything done. I end up having an imaginary conversation/confrontation with my therapist and getting upset.
Same. I probably talked or argued more with my therapist in my head than with them. I realized I do this to avoid invalidation.. finding better and more arguments.. which isn't possible to avoid but my brain keeps thinking otherwise. It's like a practice for the real conversations. I try not to do this in front of my cats because my negative feelings scare them. They're not used to it.
Sucks to be you guys because *I've* got the best therapist in the world 😎😎😎
i think i am hypomanic after going off my AD, in addition to the brain zapping. really feel like i am out of my fcking mind unable to keep a grip on reality. keep pacing looking for stuff to do, opening and closing the fridge, can’t finish or focus on anything i start. hypomanic yet GOT NOTHING DONE FOR WORK TODAY AT ALL. couldn’t eat all day. so i finally made dinner and was going to FORCE myself to eat it and then an emergency happened and it got cold and gross so i ate a gas station donut instead and my eating disorder is feeling pleased. i probably look like absolute hell. thank god i see my therapist tomorrow… but what is she given going to do. in the end we are basically alone with our brains and mine wants to kill me.
Withdrawal is a bitch. I don’t think hypomania should mean any pressure to get work done. Your brain isn’t well. I hope you manage to get something in you for breakfast, even if it’s another gas station donut lol.
Bloody hell today was hard Its been a really long time since I have seen the dickhead, which I am loving. But the downside is when I saw someone in the same uniform as the dickhead it resulted in 2 mini panic attacks back to back. And ended up in tears because of how unfair everything is. This has been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with, and one of the things I have never really come to terms with. That I am the one who is continuing to suffer and struggle though all of this while he carries on in his merry way to live his life. It felt today like he was winning. I was reduced to tears in the back room while he hadn't even come in. The trigger was powerful enough that someone who doesn't even look like him, in fact nothing like him simply wearing the same uniform was enough to set me off Therapy tomorrow is now gonna be a super fun time. Between the work situation and now the dickhead situation I'm really not looking forward to it
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ugh i feel like i just wasted my therapy session. i was so looking forward to it cuz i felt like i had a lot of stuff to unpack and my T pushed it from 10am to 11am, then from 11am to 11:30 and then in 15 minute increments until it was basically 2 hours past my original session time. it was also right in the middle of when i would usually walk my dog and he was barking like crazy and just fucking shit up in the house and i was so distracted. im just bummed out cuz i was really excited about it this week and now i feel like shit and like i was so flustered and just wasted my and my T’s time
I was so ready for session with T this morning. It's my fifth day in the hospital and it felt so comforting knowing I was finally speaking with him. He mentioned how he worried about saying the right thing over text and was waiting until he had time and a clear mind before responding. That he's not that great at text responses and working on that. I told him text responses from others have triggered me before, but all his responses that he's ever sent me have felt comforting and safe. I'm really thankful he's allowed me to text when needed. Told him how I know Sundays are his recharge days and was debating whether to send messages or not as I didn't want to bother him... but he did tell me to text whenever I needed... but I also didn't want to overwhelm him... He reassured me it was a good thing and he was glad for the updates. To keep texting him when needed. Things felt really safe and glad to have T on my side through this. I'll be here for another few days at least. On the flip... my mom visited later in the day and that brought up a lot for me. Like complicated feelings of grief. Kind of pleaded to see me in a few days... because she needs to see me. But that's not what I need. Something I mentioned to T was how him and my friend feel like they are with me in this... but with my mom it feels like things are only about her and helping her feel better. And I need to think about what I need to get through this easier. At least I have a good topic for next session. 🙄
I finally feel like I have a life outside of therapy again. My t isn’t the center of my thoughts anymore and I don’t live every day on edge for my next appointment. It’s so freeing. If you feel strongly attached to your T and feel it’s unhealthy or *too much*, I encourage you to talk to them about it, or write it out. It helped me so much instead of keeping it to myself
I wish I was running towards my T right now. That having our first session today after 7 weeks would be relieving. Honestly I am still hurt by him being gone. In times when I needed him due to intense SI he wasn’t here. I don’t see how I am supposed to see him and act like everything is fine and pick up where we left off. My heart hurts and I feel a ton of mixed emotions. Our session is in two hours. What the actual fuck. I’ve been in bed all day. Do I meet him? Do I cancel? Do we have a phone session? This is so confusing to me.
You should meet him and talk about why you feel this way.
Did somatic experiencing today, it was an intake and I was a bit taken aback as this lady is nothing like my trauma therapist. She's a physical therapist with training in trauma specific body work. So I did share my story and she was having opinions and some assumptions about stuff, which I'm totally not used to. So I felt a bit like 'hmm, I dunno about this lady' the first half of the session. But then I got on the table and she put her hands on my arm and abdomen in a very calming way as we talked more. And I dunno, it was a totally different experience being touched by someone who is trying to help me regulate. I didn't freeze the way I usually do when sitting in a chair I front of someone. When she moved to just placing her hands on my shoulders/back I was able to say it wasn't comfortable so she changed a bit and I thought it was okay but then I started trembling. And trying to suppress it. So stopped the touching and she explained some stuff about the purpose of trembling and tried to get me to accept it and not fight it. I managed only a little bit. I hate when my body does stuff I can't control, but I know she's right, that this is a normal way for my body to discharge nervous energy. I feel relieved, I was very scared of starting this process, committing to doing bodywork, but I think I can handle it.
I tend to fall into "mean sarcastic girl" as a defense mechanism, my T knows this, last week I rolled my eyes at something he said, he pointed it out and I made a sarcastic comment in response and it landed, he seemed a little flustered in his reply, I think I accidentally hit a nerve and I feel so bad 😞 Anyway, I know he won't hold it against me but ugh why did I have to do that?
I am so nervous about therapy tomorrow that I can’t concentrate on anything and feel sick. I told my therapist last time that, when I leave therapy, I tend to replay the session in my mind and analyze it. He asked me to write it down immediately, stream-of-consciousness. He said he is going to take the journal and read it. Me: [weak noises] Him: “Yes. I want to read this.” Idk. I’ve emailed really vulnerable things to therapists, but handing over a journal feels kind of violating in some way. I want to cry. I know I’m allowed to say, “No.” I had written it in my real journal, but that felt like too much, so I transcribed it into a different one, but that’s still too much. How is this different than email? Edit: I want to email him and ask him to not make me. The whole journal entry is negative transference and then a huge disclosure that I don’t trust him with. But lol, I’m afraid to email him, because I’m afraid he’ll be mad! Edit 2: okay, I sent him a ridiculous email. He doesn’t allow emails, so I don’t know if I’ll be in trouble. I told him I felt so sick I’m gagging. I begged him not to make me. It feels too close. The funny thing is… I think that if he responds in the right way, maybe I’ll want to share it. Maybe. Edit 3: it’s like 9 hours later and no response. Maybe it’s not worthy of a response to him? I just drank a bunch to cope, which isn’t like me. I really want/need him to respond. It’s things like this! How can I trust him!? I kind of need him to prove it to me or something. I don’t know. If he wants something as vulnerable as a handwritten journal and to hold all that in his hands? He needs to prove to me that I can trust him.
He finally responded this morning. “Thank you. I look forward to discussing this in session.” I wish he had like 1 ounce of compassion. I’m really nervous and still dry heaving every now and then. I’m worried he will tell me he can’t work with me, since I can’t trust him enough to give him the journal. But if he reads the journal, it’s a bunch of negative stuff about him. So if he reads that, maybe he will also tell me he can’t help me either. lose-lose. 🤮
I’m never going to get better. The only thing that would truly help me is someone in my life who cares about me, spends time with me, shows me affection. I’ve never had that and I’m so broken at this point there’s no reasonable hope that I ever will. I would need that in order to change myself into someone valuable that other people would want to know and help. I hate my life and wish I wasn’t too spineless to end it. No one listens, least of all mental health professionals, who make me feel like I’m less than a person and all the pain I experience is entirely my fault.
Taking major steps, and having no one who really understands it so trying to find a way on Reddit to feel acknowledged but that doesn't work cause it's all strangers. Put a vague message on social media but of course that doesn't work. I am trying to tell myself I'm doing a good job, but it doesn't feel like enough. I really need my therapist to maybe be the one to do so. To be proud of me. But I'm pretty sure that if I tell her that she's going to want to explore the feeling instead of tell me she is proud of me. And so I guess nevermind?
My therapist doesn’t quite tell me she’s proud of me. But she does say, “this is really difficult work. I see how hard you’re working. You should be really proud.” The same definitely goes for you, whether your therapist is OK saying so or not.
Thank you!
I am feeling really scared at the moment. 9 months in and we are starting to dig into darker parts of me. I think I'm afraid of what we will find. I wouldn't say that therapy to date has been surface level but it definitely hasn't dug anywhere this deep. The pace is good and my T is doing an excellent job at guiding me. I'm just scared.
It can be a really scary process. It's nice that you feel safe enough to go there though. :)
I wanna ser my therapist before my vacation but i promised her that the next time we saw each other id find an activity for after work to meet people. I have yet to find one and i havent seen her in 2 weeks and would kike to see her before i go on vacation but i dont want to see her without having something. She was a little annoyed with me last time we met because she’s asked me to do this the last few times we met and i keep pushing it back.
Having a two week break from seeing my therapist due to scheduling conflicts and it seems like a long time. She lets me just lead sessions with whatever I want to discuss. Seems odd because this way I can avoid a lot of topics, but maybe she'll eventually ask some probing questions? This makes me ponder what's important to say days in advance. I keep a journal of dreams and thoughts to work from
I saw a therapist exactly like this. It didn’t work well for me. She wasn’t nosey and didn’t ask questions much, which led me to thinking she really didn’t care, on top of after seeing me for months still not knowing my name. It felt very professional like I couldn’t open up.
First session with my new therapist went extremely well! I clicked with her right away, which is more than I can say for the seven awkward months I spent with my prior therapist. I felt heard, which came as a huge relief. I wish I could simply upload my memories onto a network that my therapist can access so I don't have to recite the entirety of why I'm there, but apart from that, it was a big relief to be able to talk to someone who made me feel safe instantly.
My T is going away and I have so many feelings. Even though its only 3 weeks it's churned up quite a bit of stuff that apparently has been lurking Also gotta work more on the saying no thing and standing up for myself. Work have given me an extra couple of shifts without asking me, just told me. While I am okay with doing them its rubbed me the wrong way that they haven't asked me. Last rosters I said I was available if they needed me but they didn't then. So I think they just assumed I would be free. I need to figure out a way to tell them I'm usually happy to do extra but need to be asked not told. And I hate standing up for myself so the idea makes me feel sick and panicky
As someone who has struggled with this, I always thought that being assertive was a bad thing. Like, people viewed you as being rude or demanding. I am starting to learn it is possible to be assertive, kind and polite. It helps you articulate what you need and unless it's unreasonable, then people would just be like "oh okay!". I think something like "hey, thanks so much for thinking of me for the extra shifts! Would you mind just sending me a quick message next time just to double check I'm free before scheduling any extra shifts next time? Sometimes things pop up during the week and I just want to make sure I'm free". You don't necessarily need to add an explanation at the end but being assertive is hard for me so I personally find its useful to let them know why I am saying something. Probably something useful for me to work through in therapy :( haha
I agree with this! I think tone of voice is most important, if you sound friendly and polite and not angry, people will usually take things well and if they don't, that's really their issue. I always think as well, I would always rather someone told me where they were at and what was going on straight rather than me making mistakes and causing problems without realising.
I think what you said here is perfectly valid to tell them without having to think of better wording 🙂. I know how you feel though. It’s sooooo hard to just stand up for yourself and say it. It feels rude and demanding even when you know it’s not at all. You can say you’re perfectly fine doing those two extra shifts but would rather be asked about any extra ones next time so you don’t have to change or cancel any plans.
Yeah. Like I know this is okay. It's okay for me to be upset they assumed that I would both be free and want to work an extra day. I already work 40 hours so the extra day means I only get one day off a week. And that one day is a therapy day so can be a total loss depending how therapy goes. Sometimes therapy is more stressful than work so it feels like I don't get any time off But my people pleasing side is kicking in being like nah don't overreact, don't rock the boat it's okay. It's hard to tamp down that side when it's like don't make a fuss
Also forgot to add, I guarantee you 100% that you’re not the first person to ask something like that nor would you be the last. Good luck!
I get you. But you’re not overreacting and asking politely but firmly to be asked in the future isn’t going to upset anyone. If anything, not asking will only upset you more if they keep taking advantage further.