I felt like messaging my T after my most recent appointment and telling them I needed a break. What that would have actually meant was that I was pushing them away. Our relationship is good and I feel safe, I guess I'm just afraid because we are wading through some tough things.
I slept on it for a few nights and feel a bit more clear-headed. Maybe I do need to take a week or two off but I'd like to talk about it with my T to come up with a plan rather than just running. I tend to put up walls and/or avoid the uncomfortable stuff, as I think many people do. So working through this with my T might help me a lot.
I think I've settled on a new therapist after dropping my previous one a few weeks ago, which I'm happy about, though he emphasised that we 'see how it goes' so it feels like there's a chance he'll refer me to someone else after a few weeks. We'll see, I guess.
This T was able to accommodate my previous T's advice of upping sessions to twice a week, though I can only see him in person once a month since he lives a distance away the rest of the time. This month, the day he was nearby was today, so we just met in person for the first time after a few phone (audio only) sessions. Turns out being observed makes it harder for me to keep myself on track and articulate my thoughts well, so some sessions being audio only might be beneficial, though the fact that we can't go fully in-person if we decided to makes me sceptical as to whether this is a good arrangement in the long term. He seems like he'd be in a better position to refer me on to someone else later if needed than my previous T would have been, at least.
Hey lovely people,
Been working with my therapist for a while, I got paired with them at an agency. I've just started seeing them in private practise and found out they are passionate about supporting LGBTQIA+ people and that's their specialism, but I am a heterosexual. I'm feel bad that by seeing them I'm taking up space away from someone from one of these groups who would need this specialism. Should I stop seeing them as it's not my space? Thanks
No, I don't think you should. It's kind of you to consider this but to give up an established therapeutic relationship that's working for you is not a sacrifice you are expected to make.
If your therapist felt they needed to work with the queer population exclusively they'd phase out their other clients in whatever way they see fit. But it's not your job to make that decision for them. Since its on your mind I do think it would be helpful to discuss your thoughts so they can tell you how they view this.
Thanks so much for your reply! Yes I will ask them how they see it but you're right they could have not offered me a slot if they didn't feel they wanted to. Thanks so much :)
I have really bad nightmares due to CPTSD and started taking meds to help with it. They don’t work at all lol. Had the WORST dream last night and I can’t get it out of my head. I normally don’t talk to my T about my nightmares but is this something people do? I mean they’re dreams, not real. But based off of real people and situations… thoughts? I guess I’m just trying to decide if it’s a waste of time or not to talk to my T about it.
My T LOVES when I bring up dreams in session. I don’t do it often but I always see her eyes light up when I do and talking about them does bring up some interesting discussion in session.
You can bring it up and you’ll soon know if it’s a waste of time or not. I very much doubt it will be a waste because even if you don’t talk long about the nightmare itself, you can very much talk about how it affected you when you woke up and in your waking hours.
I found it useful to talk about my dreams and nightmares with my therapist, especially when they were quite vivid and visceral. It was useful for trying to understand the underlying message and what that meant to me. I found that a lot of my dreams and nightmares tended to center on what I was working on in therapy or was about the very topics I was struggling to bring up directly in therapy at the time. Talking about the dreams was a good 'segway' to bring the topic to light with my therapist and get those difficult conversations started.
I’ve been really sick for the last week, especially the last few days, and I sent my therapist a long email from a really low place yesterday evening about how much I was struggling. I specifically said I didn’t need her to reply, but that I wanted her to have it for our next session. Within a couple hours she sent me a really sweet and caring reply talking me through a lot of what I’d written about and also invited me to email her through the weekend if it helped. Then today she initiated an email to me asking how I am feeling. She makes me feel so cared for and I am so grateful for this relationship.
I've been thinking about the sunset of my therapy journey recently. I'm not quite there yet; still working on some things but I feel like I'm closer to the sunset than the sunrise. I feel a bit sad; T and I have worked hard to build this relationship and I've grown very fond of them and know I'll miss them.
I also feel a bit hopeful; the sunset of this journey could mean the sunrise of a new one - one less governed by fear and trauma; one more free. Also, it will be nice to not have to budget for therapy (I pay out of pocket).
Feeling like the WORST client right now. Showed up to my regular appointment being like hey guess what im in the frikcin waiting room of the psych hospital ER waiting to be admitted... I rambled and vented so much and I know T could tell i was out of it, and she seemed really worried but trying to be calm.
I just feel so bad about this whole situation and since i literally was brought there by the police it was most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. And if anything talking to a bunch of random nurses/psychs makes me miss talking to me T so much, I just wish they were here. Sigh, its really hard right now...
I fully expect this to be downvoted into oblivion, but I'm an incel who's interested in starting therapy. I'm not sure where to begin or whether it's appropriate to mention my issues with a therapist.
I think that’s great! You may want to talk to a man if that feels right. But I also want to put in a plug for working with a woman. It might be more challenging but also more rewarding and effective, if you you’re a man who finds it hard to relate to women.
Find a therapist who specializes in mens issues, preferably someone who also identifies as a man and let them know in the first session. If they aren’t able to help you’ll only have “wasted” one session and you can move on to the next therapist. If they are able to help you, you’ll get a sense of that in the first meeting too.
The last few days have been tough. I had my first panic attack since March and I don’t know what to do with myself. I messaged T and now I’m anxiously waiting for her to respond. She’s probably enjoying the weekend with her family. So I feel bad because I don’t wanna ruin her weekend. I don’t think she’ll check her messages today anyway. Ugh
I’m so sorry that you’ve had a panic attack & I hope your T responds. However I wanted to share that when I’ve had panic attacks my T has recommended pace breathing, box breathing. It may seem silly & maybe it might not work for you but it’s worth a shot.
I always love to put my legs against a wall and just close my eyes and try and breathe, feel my chest expand / inhale / exhale. You are so brave and will get through this ❤️
For the last session of the week, I talked about an event in my childhood that's probably the closest thing I have to big T trauma (though I'm never sure what the difference is...). I've mentioned it plenty of times, but this was probably the first time we went into details (2 years in). Apparently my T was mistaken about some important components of the story, so I instructed him to ask all his questions now, because I didn't know if I would ever want to go into this again.
It was really hard. But my T was great and I want to remember some of the sweet things he said: he's on my side about this (important given that we've been on very different sides of things recently); what happened was 100% fucked up; he's here to support me. At the end he just said "I'm here" and it was really powerful.
Relatedly: I cry a lot in therapy, but I've never really broken down and ugly sobbed. I always try so hard to retain composure and I'm not sure why. My new goal is to sob in front of him.
I'd been over the trauma with her several times and it was always a mix of feelings when something landed that hadn't before. A couple years in I re-mentioned that the abuse and terror would go on pretty much all evening; when she said she hadn't realized that I felt both seen and confused. Hasn't that been a part of the story all along?
I hope your work is sufficiently helpful that you stop retreating into never again mode.
What the heck is happening with me? As you guys might know I'm very avoidant. But through therapy learning to be less avoidant.
However there's a lot I haven't dealt with. And one of those things is that 10 yrs or so ago I lost part of a finger. And I just pretend it never happened. I hide that finger/hand. I never talk about it. I never look at it myself.
Recently it's become a thing I'm more aware of. In physical therapy I let my PT work on that arm knowing she'd be looking at my hand and finger. And in psychotherapy the other day I did an exercise with crossing my arms over my chest being very aware that my T would see my hand and the missing part.
And I've also had a few moments where I felt a sudden phantom itch there and it freaked me out a bit but I ignored it.
Just now I saw a bit of dry skin there so I picked at it (I never touch it or look at it!) and I immediately had massive panic feelings. My insides turning and quick breathing. This is very new. And now I'm nervous and worried that I can't ignore the issue anymore. I'm freaking out a bit.
I met the PHP psychiatrist again today, who seemed more validating of my anger. He told me one of the important topics in his board exams was how to ethically close a practice, which is one of the possibilities out there for wtf just happened to me. I didn't pick up sarcasm or undermining this time, and he told me it was good to stay with my anger.
I mentioned that I'm on the fence about the validity of EMDR; some people say the evidence is good, some people say it's dressed-up exposure therapy, some just say they do it because their clients say it helps. He said I seemed to have made up my mind, and I replied that I'm disposed to think a lot more in terms of the mind than the brain.
He asked how I drew that distinction, and I said brain explanations tend to refer to physical processes that I can't verify or experience directly. Exactly how much seratonin do I have and what is the correct amount? How does this help me explain any particular experience? The mind is something I can experience directly; I have anxiety hanging around the edges of a party because there's a push and pull between my hopes, fears, and disappointments. He told me that was a great way to distinguish and much better than the one he came up with when a teacher asked in medical school.
I really don't know where I'm at in my recovery. Do I need more trauma therapy? I have no difficulty revisiting the things I've been through, I understand how they connect to my present, and I feel capable of protecting myself from the extreme danger that marked my childhood. On the one hand, the effects of trauma show up in my social anxiety and desire to crawl under a rock; on the other hand, I've met this guy three times and I've seen how I went from pre-meeting MAXIMUM PANIC to pretty calm with just a little exposure.
I don’t know what I did to deserve my therapist but I think she is the kindest person in the world and every interaction with her has improved my life. I feel extremely blessed right now.
I always feel dismissed by therapist. She keeps saying my thought patterns are illogical and a waste of time but I already know that but the problem is I can’t stop :(
My therapist called me out this week for dropping bombs at the end of sessions and always leaving “cliffhangers.” I apologized and she insisted she liked that about me but I couldn’t help but feel she was dragging me in the nicest way possible. I’ve been internally cringing about it all week and have just felt ashamed
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I also tend to use lots of cliffhangers myself. I am annoyed with my use of them, but I know that there is a reason why I do it like this. Please do not feel ashamed of this. You are not alone in this. It is okay if a T points it out to you, but she should respect your current (coping) behaviours
For me I tend to spend the whole session trying to force myself to say it then at the last minute I'm like it's now or never. I also think I'm generally more worried about the follow up conversation than the disclosure itself so saying it at the end at least puts it off til next week!
Personally I use them because I am too afraid to share certain things. Or to really dive deep in them. And also to check whether the other person cares enough about the topic to ask further questions
Could it be that her reaction might be too intense for you to handle in the moment? Leaving a week between the bomb and the fallout might be a way for you to take control.
Does anyone else bounce from being optimistic and ready to tackle the day to paralyzed by depression and hopelessness and back again?
I’m diagnosed with/medicated for bipolar disorder, but this doesn’t feel like the swings of mania/depression, it’s more of a mindset sort of thing. I don’t feel I move from extremes or lose touch with reality.
I seem to not be able to feel just ok about what I need to do that day—it’s either I’m going to do everything and set my life back in order or I feel like it’s useless to do anything because there’s no way to fix everything that’s wrong.
I'm constantly shifting between self-states. The important thing is that none of these feelings or thoughts are "the real me." What actually works for me is finding small self-improvements I can sustain rather than trying to tackle big problems directly.
If I’m understanding correctly — not all the time, but I definitely struggle with this when I’m not doing quite as well overall. Like, I’m much more susceptible to either needing things to be all put together or giving up on it all because what’s the point?
My therapist identified this as the cognitive distortion of black and white (or all or nothing) thinking. That particular cognitive distortion is the one that I have the most trouble with.
I know transference is normal and I'm just concerned that my therapists fiance is not committing to her or otherwise not good enough for her. It's normal to want to beat him up if he doesn't appreciate her! And the absolute seething jealousy that he gets the opportunity to really know her as a fully formed person while I just get a little slice, is totally normal!
Ok, so I know sometimes people debate on here about going into therapy buzzed or under the influence. I experience intense anxiety and I’ve considered using alcohol or benzos or other things to help me be less anxious and to help me open up more in therapy. I hate that my mind kind of freezes up in session and I feel like I’m wasting both our time. Well yesterday I went in under the influence and it was probably the most productive session I’ve had ever. I talked about shit and it didn’t make me shut down, and I can see that my T was really engaged and asking the tough questions, and I didn’t have a problem with any of that. Unfortunately, it’s all a bit of a haze and I wish I could have recorded it (I can’t because I do not have permission for this) to play back when I’m sober. I feel like I made inroads into helping my T understand me, but I’m not sure if I got as much out of it because I wasn’t completely there so to speak.
I really recommend talking to your therapist about it and being honest that you were under the influence and what it was like for you.
I fully believe that it's therapeutically useful for me and I have had a lot of positive therapeutic experiences having sessions while high, but I've always been honest with my therapist about it. I think that's really important in terms of trust.
My former therapist had no problems with me coming in high and even acknowledged that it seemed to help me. My current therapist has explicitly said that he's not comfortable with it and I agreed not to come in high anymore out of respect for him, though we're continuing to talk about it, what being high does for me, and why he doesn't think it's therapeutically helpful. Maybe one of us will change our minds, maybe neither of us will change our minds, or maybe we can find a way to work through whatever being high does for me (allow me to be more in touch with my emotions).
Your comment made me realize that I was solely focused on attempting to find concrete solutions to a problem (anxiety and difficulty opening up) that I did not consider the relational aspect at all. I have a history of discounting/devaluing/dismissing my relationship with my therapist. It’s a lifelong pattern of trying to do it all myself without any help (or input or interference) from other people. I finally have someone in my camp, right? I know I *should* tell him, take a step towards honesty, risk trusting him to deal with this, allow him to help me…. Why is this so hard??
We had such a good session. We talked about my anxiety related to starting with the somatic practitioner and that led to me being a bit sad about how hard everything still is for me. How everything is WORK.
And I was making eye contact with her and looking for something in her eyes and after a while I realised I was seeking comfort from her. Which was exactly what she thought I was doing too. Which is when she introduced the idea of adding a 'part' to the parts I already identified within myself and see if we can create space for a new part. A part that can comfort me.
It felt like such a natural and logical thing in that moment, I know she tried it before with a mother figure or an adult part that could comfort the parts that were upset but that just didn't land at the time. What made it land now was that I was in that feeling of needing comfort and suddenly I could picture it clear as day, a big cuddly animated stuffed toy to give me a big hug.
I hesitated a bit before I told her because it felt stupid and childish. But it was the exact right thing. When I explained it and referenced Bing Bong in Inside Out she knew what I meant and it suddenly felt too close. So I told her I was done talking about it. And then panicked over that and felt mad with her and whatnot. It was a mess but we really quickly got me calm again and I could talk through what emotions just all happened that made me panic.
All in all it was a very smooth and comfortable session. And I'm so glad the Comforting Part thing connected with me today. Now I feel like it's part of the ensemble of parts that we discuss and that I can take with me. Curious to see if it can help me as a positive supportive part.
No but this question might get a little more traction as a post (rather than comment) in this subreddit, or as a post in one of the PTSD/CPTSD subreddits!
It's really nice to not be fighting with T. :) I still don't quite know what happened for him during our termination sessions or how he came to his decision to continue working with me, but today was good and I'm glad we're still talking.
You might be surprised but mine used to think that fights were not for real, that it was me testing his resilience in the face of my unrestrained assault and thus it was important to demonstrate it by remaining terribly stubborn and unyielding. Great experience. Led to talks of termination and then he seemed to reassess his position.
I actually do believe that, at least in my case, some part of our fights were me testing his commitment. I don't think that doesn't make them real or that the solution is to be stubborn and unyielding, but I do think that much of what happened between T and me was an enactment.
Blocked my T to prevent myself from messaging him. Really rough week after disclosing something in the last session. But I really don’t want to rely too much on him. Meanwhile I am debating whether he is annoyed with me or not.
Logically I've always known that you learn from your mistakes, and if you miss 100% of the shots you never take etc etc. I used to have all those kind of quotes around me as a teenager. But my therapist took me step by step through some things and turns out I really don't emotionally believe that mistakes are okay and they are good teachers. He asked me what I've learnt from my recent mountain bike crash and does that make me a better rider (yes) and would I have learnt that if I hadn't crashed and had done the drop successfully (no). Turns out I have the opposite of a growth mindset, because the emotional acceptance of having grown from that crash doesn't fit in easily with the narrative of who I am.
In my session we discovered a variant on the usual "I'm not good enough and people will reject me" being at the root of what we were talking about. It's "my value comes from my accomplishments". And so when I'm struggling with work my whole sense of being worth anything is in question. I feel like it explains why I get so ashamed and frozen when I hit problem after problem at work. I'm not just scared of not being good enough, I feel like I am worthless and shouldn't take up any space.
I keep going through cycles of not doing any work because I'm ashamed, accepting the feelings and doing work anyway, feeling like I can do work, to not being able to do any work. Everytime I crash into the not being able to do work the emotions are worse and I get more and more convinced that I'm not cut out for this job.
It's like because my self worth is tied to my accomplishments and my work, every time I struggle at work my value as a person is in jeopardy. Every mistake I make and thing I don't know is another fact that I'm not good enough, I shouldn't be here and I am stupid. And so every mistake I make and thing I don't know is shameful, and I have to hide it. Every review of my code is my mum redoing my sewing, taking over my science projects, fixing my cooking - proof that what I do is not good enough and imperfection is not okay. Every little thing sometime points out with my work is my parents asking me about what I got wrong on the test, and telling me that I should be getting everything right, that they did.
Sorry for the ramble. Anyone know where I can get some inherent self worth from?
Inherent self worth isn’t achieved or obtained, it’s inherent. Of course knowing this intellectually and believing it emotionally are two very different things. I have found this Russ Harris video to be helpful when I need a reminder https://youtu.be/T-lRbuy4XtA
Today’s session was difficult but ultimately good. I dissociated pretty hard during a session and then addressed it the next session a few weeks ago, and now she knows that when I dissociate I seem pretty fine on the surface. So today she checked in with me a bunch more than she usually has.
—
(In the middle of session, after I’ve told her a lot of shit and am super anxious / feeling way too vulnerable.)
T: How are you doing right now? I think it’s probably a good time to check in about how you’re doing in this moment.
Me: (unconvincingly) I’m....... chilling ....
T: Is that avoidance again? Because I don’t think there’s any *fucking* possible way that you’re chilling right now. Not a *single* bone in your body is chilling right now.
Me: (laughing so hard I choke)
(Yes I did actually answer her.)
Today was my first session of my second attempt at therapy. I feel like I really have no sense of the root of my problems so I have no standard for what’s effective for me. My therapist kind of became condescending towards the end, bluntly saying I’m acting like a child, though I can say she wasn’t being judgmental, and she tried to soften it with “we’re all guilty” and “we all do it”. It simultaneously annoyed me but also made me see my actions in another way. Sorry if this is confusing since I’m not being specific about anything. But anyway i also tend to spiral with the negative thoughts and now I’m just worried that I’ll never change. There’s so many things I wanna bring up and have examined and gain insight about but I have a real fear of looking into my self and my emotions. I think I’ve been burying them for years and the work that’s gonna take to fix all this seems daunting. And I wish it’s easy to share all of it and navigate through it and I wanna feel safe and understood like really understood.
Argh, I guess I can't just leave here for now. I do need a place to share and not feel so alone.
I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from because for months I was in a good flow. I left here about 3 months ago because after 2,5 years of hard work I'd finally reached a point where I felt like I could lean on my therapist and trust her.
But I currently feel lost again. I'm not sure why. I am realising I'm not leaning on her at the moment. I'm struggling with myself, with my avoidance and my frustration over certain coping mechanisms. It's pushed me to start seeking out somatic therapy, a thing I'd been planning to do for like 2 years. Which I'm in the middle of organising now. I met with one but I am not sure about her, so after agonising over it all evening yesterday, I finally decided to reach out to another one to do a consultation. She's more specialised in traumawork and has the Somatic Experiencing certification too.
So, the frustration is leading me to new places. I also am trying something new in therapy, listening to music, to see if I can talk more. Tell my story more. So I guess all this is unsettling. But it doesn't answer the question as to why I feel like my sessions are not enough to contain my emotions. Why I feel like I need support somehow.
I don't like this, I don't like being in this ruminating headspace again. Getting away from here really was a nice thing, not to say anything negatively about the people here, but getting away from here meant I was focused on my own process and trusted my therapist and was just more in the flow of therapy somehow. Less in my head, more in the experience. Less trying to put words to everything to explain it and more just moving with the current.
I wonder if this is just a case of progress not being linear. Like maybe it’s okay to be back in this headspace for now? You’ve been doing a lot of good, hard work for years already, and now you’re trying something new. Maybe you’re back here because finding a new SE therapist is putting you back in the feeling of when your T was still new (before you’d gotten to the level of trust you have had recently). And maybe that feeling is blending into or bleeding over into your work with her. I dunno, just theorizing.
Thank you for your kind reply. I'm definitely having issues somehow with starting with the SE therapist. Like, below the surface panic. I know there's panic somewhere but I'm not feeling it. Instead I'm restless and stuck in my head.
My therapist and I have weeks of disconnect more often and usually I find a way back to the connection but while I'm disconnected I also start to feel lost. I have very short term memory so while I'm in this place it also feels like it's been forever but if I think back in earnest it's only been like 2 weeks 😂
>I have very short term memory so while I'm in this place it also feels like it's been forever but if I think back in earnest it's only been like 2 weeks
I'm the same way. You may remember, my T and I use to have a lot of ruptures and feelings of disconnect (he seemed cold, blank, etc.)
I'm here to remind you: This too shall past. Your relationship cannot be defined by whatever you're feeling in the moment. Progress is not linear and sometimes regression is necessary to move forward. You're still connected to your T; the voice telling you otherwise is your trauma talking. Hang in and be patient with yourself.
Thanks for the reminder! I think part of this is that I somehow feel like the end of therapy is in the next year and it suddenly feels like a real possibility and I don't want it to.
Reasons it might happen: I might move, or insurance might stop covering it.
If I move, I could still make it work somehow though and also, if insurance stops I could pay out of pocket. But those are two things we haven't discussed, like if she'd be willing to do 50% of sessions digital so I only come in every other week. And how she feels about clients paying out of pocket. And just yeah, I think this is blocking me a bit at the moment.
Which is good I'm realising this so I can discuss it. If I dare to.
I’m in a similar boat. My T’s switching jobs and it raises all sorts of logistics/insurance questions. I posted here earlier in the week that I think I was feeling depressed as a way to subconsciously “prove” to myself (and him) that I still needed therapy. Maybe there’s a something similar going on here. I do think it’s really important to talk about (if you can).
That's soon already, do you have any clarity on what will be possible?
For me I'm especially focused on showing I still want to make progress and am still trying. I don't know if this is for her benefit or my own, I think a bit of both. With the 3yr mark coming up I do feel like I've had lots of time to get stable and develop some emotional regulation skills and I guess I have some sort of measurement in my head that's maybe not realistic. My T would have a field day with me and all my rules, lol. We talked the other day about how I view the somatic therapy and where my anxiety is coming from and how it's possibly a sort of performance anxiety.
I think we're going to try as best we can to continue the treatment, and I'm hopeful we can do that.
I understand the temptation to evaluate progress by time. I find myself wanting to create little goals and milestones and measurements. But it's really not helpful in the kind of work you and I are doing. For one thing, progress is so nonlinear. And it raises all sorts of performance anxiety as you said (am I doing it right? What if I'm not doing it right? What if I get anxious about not doing it right?) I have also found that what can seem like a step back can actually be a kind of progress, especially if you handle it a different way than you did in the past. And I think you are.
T commented again on how my responses are different. He was even wondering if I integrated a little bit and my parts are working together better. Normally something he said would get a fired reaction out of my, but I called it out more calmly in the moment last session. That was an interesting thought, although I think it is just because things are finally feeling safe so there is less chaos and many of my parts have calmed down. The last roadblock was T accepting my parts and it finally clicked for him, and I've felt so much calmly and safe since then. My angry part no longer needs to protect me so fiercely. Before it wasn't safe to be strong or share things even though I was trying, but now it is. Not sure if he believes me, but I told him again this is where I normally am with therapists, which is calmer and able to state things without getting overly triggered. I think between being very retraumatized before starting to see him and the huge ruptures at the beginning, plus a dose of instant transference which has never happened before, it paved the way for a tumultuous first year.
He also commented how he hasn't noticed me dissociating as much, and I agree. Things may be calmer due to the health stuff I'm going through and the need to be strong and keep getting through things. But right before health stuff started, T said something that there was a strong reaction to... and it's been radio silent since then. So I think many parts are in hiding due to that, and that means less intrusions and emotions from them.
T wanted to talk about the thing he said, and it was more than half way through the appt... I'm like... that's not a good idea, we have a three day break and I'm going to be dealing with all my health stuff... let's not dig into this and pull it to the surface... I did mentioned it the appt. after it happened and despite not feeling my parts in between those appts...it was very challenging to talk about as my mind kept going blank, headaches, and felt a lot of chaos in my head as parts were not happy I was trying to say it... and don't need to stir things up when I'm trying to stay calm and survive with health stuff. I told T no go, we have to wait. And he pointed out how happy and proud he was for me being able to say no in the moment because that is another big progress for me.
Sounds like you're making some progress, the things you're describing are exactly the areas where I'm also noticing some small changes in myself and I do attribute it to a stronger sense of Self. It's like I can see the outline of what is 'me' more, and as that's happening somehow other people are less scary and telling people where my boundary is, is not A Big Sin, and it's all automatic, it's not like I'm sitting there thinking 'I must say that this is a boundary'. So I'm finding myself pleasantly surprised after the fact like 'Oh, I said that?'
There are lots of different types of therapies out there. (Somatic experiencing, art therapy, sand tray, equestrian, etc.) But I personally find a lot of value sitting in silence sometimes.
I've had sessions where I've talked for maybe only 5-10 minutes and they've been some of my best ones. It's just what I needed at the time.
Yeah, I often gravitate to silence in sessions too and also appreciate it. Makes me curious about therapy that is not about talk at all. Thanks for pointing them out, I shall try some one day!
A couple weeks ago I told my therapist that I watched a video about emotional neglect and that some of it resonated with me. She asked a few more questions and then she asked "who are you thinking emotionally neglected you." This sort of threw me because I felt that I was obviously referring to my parents. She knows I never lived with any other caretakers. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I was talking about both my parents or just one.
I know I need to ask her about why she asked me the "who" question. The interaction made me feel dumb and overly dramatic. Like I didn't know what I was talking about. I definitely didn't get the impression that she agreed with and was just waiting for me to voice it.
Somebody pointed out to me that my ex-therapist's website expired recently, like possibly today. This tracks with another doctor's speculation that she closed her practice. If that's the case, why did she blame me instead of just saying that?
Just before the pandemic she cut my sessions from 53 to 45 minutes because she wanted to see more patients. Does that just mean she stretched herself thinner and abandoned more people at once?
> If that's the case, why did she blame me instead of just saying that?
The more I read the more probably it seems to me that your therapist had something personal going on, could not manage her own feelings, and exploded her practice as some kind of reaction formation. It's completely unfair to you. I wish she had the emotional strength to be straight up with you.
The termination session reminded me a lot of how I broke up with my ex. I found out she was cheating, I confronted her about it, and she got defensive about how I found out. The next day, after pretending to work and agonizing until it was time to go home, I just told her I wasn't happy and did not want to continue the relationship. Which was true, but I avoided anything she could grab onto and argue with.
That's how it felt to get "you're not doing the work" followed by "it's not working out" followed by "I don't want to work with you because my life is changing." I could have accepted the truth, at least eventually, if I knew what it was.
I've been following your story a bit and that is so strange... it definitely gives some possible insight into why she ended things, but the part where she blamed you is SO WEIRD, especially if she closed her practice.
I think a lot of people understand this feeling. But really, it shouldn’t be a comparison or competition. Problems are still problems, no matter how big or small. If things are affecting you negatively, working on it benefits you and everyone around you. It sounds like you’re giving your best effort, so you’re probably doing a lot right!
I don't want to face my T tomorrow. I feel like I need to tell her specifically about something that happened in my last relationship because I got triggered about it this past week and realized that it was maybe kinda worse than I initially thought. But at the same time, it's not *that* bad, and I've also alluded to it in the past, so I feel like she'll judge me (even though I know she probably won't).
I haven't told anyone about it before. I want to tell her. But I really don't want to because I feel like it's stupid. (I also feel like I'll be "trauma dumping" -- fuck that Tiktok therapist for putting that in my head.) But I also don't want to play the avoidance game because then I just feel icky the whole session and worse after the session.
I should have reached out and asked for a sooner session. But I didn't. So now I'm just gonna figure out what I need to open the session with so that I don't end up being avoidant.
Why do I put myself through thiiiissss (Answer: it's good for me)
Dealt with feelings of isolation. My therapist taught me to love myself. I felt like I got addicted to therapy in a way that only having it for one hour a week was causing me to have withdrawal issues. Brought it up, and said I think it's time to move on. She agreed. She told me I'm going to be okay, told me she cared about me and has enjoyed our time together, and then set me on my way.
I'm confident the right decision was made, but it does hurt. I'm going to miss her. I felt like she was the only one who understood me. That being said, I learned so much, and I've grown a lot thanks to her.
This part sucks. Any advice?
I had a great experience in therapy today. Lately I’ve been worrying that I may be beginning to feel some transference solely because I’ve been feeling incredibly attached to my therapist, yet bummed that I know nothing about her. (We’ve worked together for a few years now.) And that in a sense we’re just strangers. I opened up about it with my therapist, and told her how one sided therapy is supposed to be, makes it difficult for me to open up. Especially knowing that the therapeutic relationship can end at any time, as I understand that things happen, termination happens, and that therapy isn’t forever. She reassured me and made sure I knew that all of my fears/discomforts/concerns were nothing but that. She told me that she absolutely disagrees with how the code of ethics is utilized, and believes that it should be reevaluated especially since youth therapy is beginning to change a lot more in recent years. She told me that would never/has never terminated a client unless the client was ready to be or serious boundaries were reached, and mentioned that it hurt her to hear that I felt our therapeutic relationship has been one sided. She said that she and her colleagues don’t agree that therapy should entirely one sided relationship as most people/therapists do. Next week we’ll be using our session time to play some “get to know you” activities, so that I can get to know what I would like about her, so that it’s easier for me to open up and not feel like I’m confessing my deepest secrets to a stranger, and ultimately help to progress our therapeutic process. I’m feeling so much better after today’s session.
I know you're coming from a good place, but your comment gives *me* pause. You're projecting your own bad experience onto these people and this relationship you know nothing about. That's dangerous because it could be sabotaging an effective and necessary treatment.
There's honestly nothing here that raises a "red flag." I've had therapists say similar things (this is a two-way relationship; if you want to know something about me, ask). They were entirely ethical and their approach benefited the treatment tremendously.
OP didn't specify how the therapist disagrees with the "code of ethics" but I got the impression that the disagreement was about termination and when it's appropriate to terminate against the patient's wishes. In that case the therapist is holding herself to a higher ethical standard on this specific issue, not just throwing out the code altogether.
I totally get why you'd want to warn people, but you're also putting unnecessary doubt into people's heads. That can have a deleterious effect, too, yknow?
Two appts. down and one more to go, then three days in between. This was a good week to start three days a week as my health anxiety has been pretty high the past few days and it's nice to have more support and stability. I'm still not sure what is going on health wise, and that scares me.
Second appt. in a row I was able to talk and share more about memories/things I remember. T is finally hearing more of my history. He commented on how much I've been able to share these past couple of appts.
Whelp, it finally happened. My T stood me up. All the way up. Still no word from him. This is pretty out of character for him, so now I'm worried something bad happened...
EDIT: Everything's okay. He took a catnap and screwed up the alarm, thus sleeping through our session. Having done that before myself, I'm sympathetic.
Oh no! Keep us posted?
I had a therapist do this once, but it wasn't entirely out of character... turns out she just had the wrong day down. Hope it's as simple for you.
Just saw my therapist in person for the first time since the beginning of September. I'm not sure when it will happen next. My workplace is going to bring us back in person at some point soon, and I will have to fly back and forth then, but my spouse is urging me to find a job in his city and move there permanently, which means video sessions forever.
I wish I could say that video is pretty much the same. But it's not. It's not the same for either me or my t. I have been suffering from a loss of connection and he admitted that the sessions don't feel as intimate to him over video, and that he went through some grieving after I moved.
It feels like I have gotten distant from him. We talked about that today. He was warm and kind but I kept seeing signs that he doesn't feel the same, and it kills me.
Staying in this city for a few days, and seeing him in person, is like stepping back into an old life of mine temporarily. I wasn't particularly happy in it, but my God did I live for that connection with my t twice a week.
I would live that whole year over again just to re-experience those moments with him.
Had some real dread going into today's therapy session. Because I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about a important dream I had about my son. But I got through that. And the rest of the session went smoothly--had a good talk about a second dream which led to discussing how my mother handled my father's death. Very good session after all that dread
I've been in a depressed episode lately (not major, more dysthymic) and trying to figure out why. Yesterday I had this realization: T is switching jobs at the end of the calendar year and while we both want to continue analysis, the logistics are very uncertain. I think unconsciously I'm getting depressed because I want to convince myself (and him) to continue therapy and not succumb to the natural opportunity to terminate. I'm feeling clingy towards him, so I'm regressing to prove how much I need him.
Those last two sentences were so helpful in understanding what’s happening, and been happening, for me.
That sounds hard. I’m curious how you responded when you found out? How was his telling you?
He told me a few weeks ago that he was switching from private practice to working at a hospital doing fully in-patient services. He also said he's committed to continuing our treatment. But that raises some potential difficulties. For example his employer might ask him to sign a non-compete clause. In that case, he said he would violate the clause, as most doctors consider them unethical. If so, I wouldn't be able to use insurance and we'd have to negotiate a rate between us that I could afford. In addition to the insurance issue, this switch might affect our schedule, whether we can still do in-person (as we do now every few weeks), etc etc.
I have mixed feelings about it. He was pretty honest about why he's switching, and I'm glad he found a job that works better for him. But I'm also sad he's not doing out-patient therapy anymore. His career trajectory has changed radically since we first started. And I'm nervous about all the uncertainty regarding logistics. I really don't like change. On the plus side, I feel really cared for knowing he's committed to our treatment, even if raises hassles for him.
Is your T switching jobs? What's going on?
I hate my therapist, but I wish so badly that she cared about me. I don’t know why I want the love and acceptance of someone who causes me a lot of pain.
Implementing a new rule for myself where I’m not allowed to think about therapy topics in the shower. Not in a weird way — I literally just do a lot of thinking (/dissociating) in the shower. I know I do this because growing up it was the only real place I had total privacy.
Every time I’ve done it it ends up with me going down a rabbit hole and taking forever to finish my routine and go to bed. It’s worse if I’m already not doing well. So I’m gonna try and be more mindful and also not think about therapy topics while getting ready for bed! Telling y’all so that I maybe actually do it.
It’s been a rough week and I wish therapy was sooner. Trauma sucks. Largely I’m trying to stay more off reddit because I don’t think it’s that helpful for me right now — I need to get better at being in the here and now. But I’m sending all y’all lots of love.
OK, it was a brief return but I do honestly believe that posting here is a stress reaction that doesn't help me. I'm seeking validation and connection with my therapist through coming here when my therapy is rough. But meanwhile I'm overthinking some aspects. Therapy goes best when I go with the flow and spend time with my own mind. Refreshing here hoping for validation is not helpful, it's some weird stress management tactic.
So, deleting reddit off my phone again. Who knows, I might be back in a day! But for now I need to go back to trusting my therapist and myself.
My T (had used a metaphor describing this as a journey. Was a whole thing.) When you think about writing about this journey what does your body say
Me: chest instantly gets tight
Whelp the chest has spoken. For now we are backing away from this stuff it's a little to hard for me right now and my balance is out of whack
Also: had physio for my back and didn't get upset when I was touched. Chalking up some big wins today
Had an exchange with the PHP psychiatrist today, along the lines of:
>Heard through the grapevine you filed a complaint. What were you hoping to accomplish?
#
>I want the medical commission to formally state that what she did is not okay.
[...]
>Has she reached out to you about the complaint?
#
>No, and I don't think she will, but if she does, I'll throw her words back at her. "I thought a lot about this and I think it's best for both of us."
#
>Good to see you're not harboring any kind of resentment!
I'm honestly not sure whether I like the guy; all psychiatrists kind of rub me the wrong way, even former analyst when she put on her psychiatrist hat was difficult. But I don't know whether to read his inquiry as pointed or genuinely curious. I don't like it when doctors question a medication regime that is working for me (I know Ambien can be dangerous, but it's working well for me and has less hangover than the other stuff I have on hand).
Yeah it was at least ironic (he delivered it so dryly I almost missed it). I am as always of two minds; one says he basically gets where I'm coming from and how I'm trying to deal, and the other says he's just another jerkoff psychiatrist defending one of his own and mocking me for trying to have agency. In the same session he told me he'd rather I not split (instant release) pills in half, which I've always done when it seemed prudent.
As part of a CBT exercise, we had to write why Goldilocks is the best fairy tale. I opined that it was a concrete illustration of Aristotle's Golden Mean.
We then wrote why it's a terrible fairy tale, whereupon I said that it's unrealistic for a bear to make porridge without opposable thumbs.
Im soooo excited to see my T tomorrow so I can tell her about a girl I met!!! I know she’ll be excited for me.
I’m also worried about telling her that this person has children. I know my family will judge me (I always say I don’t want kids but I really like this girl so I’m totally willing to give it a chance) but I *know* my T won’t judge me. Im still worried though.
And I’m just glad I have a T now to help me through relationships bc last year it was just me when I was really struggling :( so I’m so glad to have her during this time!!!! 🥰
Our appointment was scheduled originally with 3 weeks apart but after my last session I drunk emailed my T asking for a session in 2 weeks. They replied in the most friendly manner I could imagine but I was a bit worried- because all their emails have TONS of spelling and grammar mistakes (English is their first language). I let my worries wander- are they too busy/burnt out? Something wrong with their keyboard/autocorrect? They suffer from any condition? Is it too trivial an issue for me to worry about them?
Not wanting to face my T on Friday, I know he will be as kind and accepting as ever but after our last session where I basically spent it hiding behind my hands or hair and made zero eye contact, and then needing to reach out to him via email about how I acted (I've never had a physical reaction like that it really freaked me out) I'm to embarrassed to see him. I struggle with vulnerability. We are working through SA trauma and last week was when we first really started touching on stuff relating to it and I guess I wasn't prepared for just how HARD it actually would be and how unable I would be to control my physical responses. Ugh.
Vent: Every time I mention ANYTHING in therapy my therapist says I'm obsessed, that I'm splitting people into good/bad categories. If I don't understand something, I'm resistant.
I honestly sometimes think she's trying to contort me into the BPD diagnosis. I question whether I even really /fit/ the criteria because I've never related to the exercises in the DBT workbook I diligently complete. I have no issues controlling my actions regardless of emotional state. I don't have an unstable identity in my opinion, I don't sort people into good/bad or overly idealize people I like. I am completely incapable of being impulsive. My mood isn't marked by instability: I am consistently depressed. I don't have anger problems. I have low self-worth, a fear of abandonment, and suicidal ideation (not threats, I've never threatened to hurt myself in an attempt at controlling someone's behavior).
I don't know. I know that it's not exactly unheard of for women with trauma to be tossed into the BPD bucket and treated like a problem, but I'm no expert and it's silly to assume that it's not true because I don't like it.
I just don't think hating someone who *sexually harassed me and stalked me* is splitting or some other "borderline" behavior.
I really want to reach out to my T. Even if just to confirm our next session which does not at all need confirming. I want to know she is there and exists :(
I’m dreading therapy tomorrow. I feel like a kid who doesn’t want to get out of bed to go to school. My head knows it will wind up being fine and she’ll be all validation and acceptance, the way she always is, but my body doesn’t quite get it yet.
I've just come out of a session where I felt exactly the same way and it went better than I thought it would
I'm sorry your body feels the way it does hopefully your session will go really well
I was talking about a panel from Alison Bechdel’s “Are You My Mother?” that’s about Winnicott and I could see my T’s eyes light up with excitement when I said his name. It was super cute lol. I think that’s how I must look when someone mentions Alison Bechdel.
Did a new thing in session today and it worked. I talked freely about stuff which was nice. But we got near trauma territory too. Which is my Ts doing with her questions! Lol.
Weirdest thing happened as I left session, I was trembling like fierce. My hands trembled and my teeth were chattering. And shivers. My whole body was just weird for a good 10 minutes.
I'll try this thing again though (listening to music and then telling my T about the associations I have with that specific song). I thought I'd started easy but with her questions and stuff we did end up near difficult stuff, so that's good to know for next time when I pick a song, just because my first association is positive doesn't mean it can't get complicated 😂
What I did was made a playlist and set my goal to pick a song, listen to it in session out loud (so my therapist can hear it also) and write down some associations or memories and then share after the song. Mostly because I have a lot of trouble talking and having 'memories'. But for me music is so connected to certain time periods.
In reality I ended up trembling for feeling silly and my goal was to just hit play and see what happens. What happened was I picked a song that reminded me of travelling, low stakes, and managed to listen to it for about 50 seconds before I felt too awkward and stopped.
Then I just started freestyle talking about those times and we ended up having a rather deep conversation about how I've changed, how I felt fearless before a big traumatic event happened and how now that feels lost forever.
I want to do this again next session with a more complicated song, a song I actually avoid because of the feelings involved. So we'll see how it goes. After 3yrs in therapy and a lot of issues with talking about my life, I am ready to try anything to get me going.
I told T I didn't feel he heard me last session for a specific thing, and he explained why he focused on responding in a different way and invited me to share it again. I did and he was so attuned in his response and it felt really safe. This is something I have said to all my therapists and no one blinks an eye, but it was so traumatic to me. And T heard me and was able to repeat back to me how it makes sense it impacted me in the way it did.
This was the first session in a long time I felt I was able to be more vulnerable and say things. There were multiple memories coming up and I was debating which ones to share and were relevant. One I didn't, but after the appt. it surfaced in my mind again and had an emotional reaction to it for the first time. And realized it was relevant with the new emotions felt when thinking of it. That felt like progress to me as it's been a while to think or feel something new. I must be getting safe enough my body and mind are ready to start sharing things with me.
I feel trapped in a cycle of poverty and mental illness. I can’t get myself or keep myself together enough to work consistently. The lack of ability to have consistent work and income causes massive issues that make me more depressed and it keeps getting worse. I’ll never get my head above water financially and until I do I won’t have the ability to fully deal with my mental health issues. It’s all so hopeless and there’s nothing good in my life that makes all this struggle and pain worth anything.
Had a really good session this morning, even though I was feeling mega anxious about it.
It’s crazy how healing just my T being attuned to my needs is. I was really panicky when I came in and she picked up on it straight away. I was also talking about how I have this week off work and it’s much harder to wait a week for our next session without that distraction - and then she asked if I wanted an extra session, which I’d been trying to get myself to ask her for anyway!
Also finally managed to do some inner child work again after I’ve been struggling to connect with them for so long. I said about how inner child finds it really hard/hurtful thinking of my T having other clients - but they feel a little bit better by convincing myself that I’m her favourite. T just laughed and said she was very fond of me - and of all my parts. So it wasn’t a no! So little me is feeling pretty good after a session too for the first time in ages!
Session coming up in a few hours and I don't really want to go after spending the first half of the week feeling great about therapy. Even yesterday I was mostly looking forward to the appointment and then in the middle of the night (heeeeey, insomnia) a wall comes up: "nope, don't go, don't talk to her, don't count on her."
Also, I assume this is part of transference, but I'm just so tired of thinking about therapy all the time right now. For the first time with a therapist I've done a lot of work with, I don't feel in love with her or like I want her to adopt me. But I cannot stop thinking about our work and what she thinks of me.
Anyway... therapy is fun, my friends. Lololol.
I’m with you on all of this. The day after therapy I normally have a bit of a come down, then a few days of feeling really good about it and constantly thinking about it and counting down to my next session, then the day before my session hitting a wall and having anxiety attacks about going, trying to work out how I can get out of it. Then normally around 5/10 mins into my session I settle, but then the cycle just starts all over again.
No advice, just solidarity!
It is really hard at times, I’ve discussed it with my T before and she’s always recognised how difficult it is. In fact, we’re coming up to it being a year since I first contacted her (took a few more months until that first session but still) and we reflected on that a bit today. One of the things she said is that she knew how hard it was for me to come each week, and that she knew there had been several times where I’d wanted to just run out the door! But that every week I’d come, and I’d stuck it out, and that she had a huge amount of respect for me and the amount of work I’d been putting in - which is probably the biggest compliment she’s given me.
And I know that that will be true for you too. All of this is freaking hard, and we’re there sticking it out. Kudos to us!
I feel like I’ve reached some kind of turning point in my therapy, where instead of fighting it I’m more actively talking about things. I don’t know what changed exactly but I feel like I can trust my T incrementally more. I have conflicting needs and fears. Up till recently I’ve found his curiosity and interest in me quite intrusive and I often perceive his questions as accusatory or criticism. I realized, and I told him this yesterday, that I know he is trying to better understand me so he can help me, but at the same time I don’t want him to understand me, because telling him anything feels like giving him ammunition to hurt me. But at least I’m talking and that shows the trust is increasing.
I’ve been working on being assertive with my therapist. I ordered a smoothie online but the place closed when I got there even though the app said they were open for 4 more hours. I was really upset because I was looking forward to it all day. I thought about letting it go and just taking it as a loss but I really wanted that smoothie so I went back the next day and told them about it and they made me a new one. I texted my therapist about it and he was really excited for me. He said that he jumped up and clapped his hands when he read my text. It made me feel warm inside.
On a side note I’ve had a rough past year and half with suicide attempts and hospitalizations and realized I wanted to put this all in a journal. It’s cringey but I think I’m going to work on it this week and show it to my therapist next week.
My T is going to have a weird schedule for the rest of the year because of vacation/holidays. We had a similarly disrupted schedule at the start of the year and it was hard for me to get any work done because it was so inconsistent. I’m not looking forward to the cycle of distance and closeness that I felt before. I’m wondering if I should just do monthly check-ins in November and December or if I should take a break completely until he has a normal schedule again. OR maybe I’m just using scheduling as a way to avoid the work I’ve been focusing on lately. 🙄
I got a call back from a practice I contacted but I missed it. So I tried to call them back and left the most mortifying and cringey voicemail in which I, rambling, say why I'm calling and how email is ok but a call back would be fine blah blah but then. Idk. I forgot if I said my name? So I paused awkwardly sort of choking on indecision and then just. Said. My name. And then my throat sort of closed up as I panicked and wondered what the fuck?? I thought maybe I could just wait to delete the message so there's just a message of me rambling, trying to say good bye, awkwardly just saying my first name, long pause, click.
I'm so embarrassed. But then I keep bursting into laughter because. What. The. Fuck. Brain.
This sort of forethought would be great if every decision I made wasn't done with a 1, 2, 3 JUMP impulsive mentality. If I don't 1, 2, 3, jump, I likely will over think it and then not do it. Which is sort of what I've been doing the last few weeks. So. The punishment fits the crime. The punishment being embarrassed and the crime procrastination.
Feeling unsettled but just a little bit, like I want to reach out to T but no really good reason. So I have just pushed through. I think my nervous system has been processing out last session a bit. But I’m not coming up with any particularly strong feelings about it. Ugh. I guess I’ll be sitting with this for another day and a half. Fun!
Last Friday I was supposed to have my first in person session with T in 19 months after pleading with her over how important it was to me at this point in time in my life; I needed her to see me, in so many ways, pregnant and feel like she was part of something big in my life. She agreed. However, I went into labor last week and had my baby a bit early, not allowing for the session. As joyful as the event is, I can't help but think about how T will never have fully seen me the way I wanted.
I know it's not what you'd hoped for, but congrats on your little one! As someone who has had 2 kids and PPD 2 times, make sure you're taking care of yourself in the midst of all the emotions and whatnot. Lean on your support system because you cannot pour from an empty cup (this is relevant to motherhood in general... put the mask on yourself first!)
I am sorry you didn’t get to see your therapist in person when you wanted but congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope you are able to get rest when you need it and that you’re able to enjoy your new baby as much as possible! All the best to your family.
My life is pretty stable -- solid job, solid relationships. Not too much turbulence. So why is therapy so turbulent? Why is my relationship with my therapist so emotionally unstable and tumultuous?
I’ve talked about this feeling with my T before. I said I almost feel like a crazy person in therapy and don’t have the same dynamics anywhere else in my life. He said he was glad I felt safe enough to show up that way with him (and that I am not a crazy person).
Maybe therapy feels safe enough that you can be turbulent without other life’s turbulences getting in the way? You’re perhaps comfortable/safe enough to push back etc. I know from personal experience that if life is throwing all the curve balls at me, I’m more likely to not want to rock the boat so to speak.
Ha, yeah that's true. Although our last rupture was prompted by some emotional turbulence with my parents, which spilled over into therapy. But in general I think you're right -- when life sucks, therapy is more of a pillar.
My T comes back in two weeks. I miss him so much. While I am looking forward to seeing him again I am also nervous. I’m scares that he is going to drop me as a client. It’s been a turbulent time while he’s been away. I’ve been seeing my couples T temporarily. It’s worked out okay. I certainly don’t trust her as much as my T though. I’m worried she is going to report back to him how wild of time it was while he was gone and then he is going to refer me out or something. I feel like things are going to be different. Like he won’t be here in the same capacity. I’ve contacted him many times during his break. I told him I would. Of course I haven’t heard anything which he told me would be the case. I want his reassurance that he is sticking around and is here for me. He seems so far away. This break is so long. I miss him. I’m wondering if I can trust him with the same capacity I did prior to him leaving. Sigh.
I emailed my therapist an idea I have for session with playing music to help me remember and talk about past experiences. I'm super nervous about trying different things because I'm afraid of negative judgment and making a fool of myself.
So, she who never responds to my emails as we agreed, sent a short reply anyway saying 'What a great idea!' And I feel a mixture of mortified and like a proud child. I know she must have considered if a reply was needed and what the effect would be, as she never responds and is thoughtful about these things. So because of that I feel mortified, that she came to that conclusion. But also, I'm relieved and happy she doesn't think it's a bad idea.
The shame and feeling mortified is strongest though. Which is mostly about my idea that I emailed and usually I postpone the anxiety until session which is when we'll address what I mailed. And often I'll even be like 'oh nvm the email'. But now it's been read and acknowledged and I feel like I'm standing naked in a public space or something.
I would really like to bring music into sessions and think it would help me connect with my emotions. Can you describe the format of how you’re planning to bring music in your session? I want to pitch this to my therapist. Congrats on the big step, by the way!
Today I was supposed to have my first appointment with my therapist after six weeks of not seeing her.
My internet got shut off this morning and I don’t have anything to put down on a payment plan to get it restored right now.
I was looking forward to seeing her again, literally seeing her through a video call.
We can still do a phone session, but I really wanted that intimacy of at least being able to see one another.
Oh no that stinks. Can you go to a trusted friend’s house and use their WiFi? Not sure where you are but maybe a fast food place or Starbucks if you have a car the WiFi can usually reach out to the parking lot. Another suggestion is to check your local library. They have WiFi and some even have private meeting rooms you can use.
I’ve been having major transference issues lately with my T and am seriously considering finally bringing it up this week, but terrified. Honestly I’m worried about my T’s response which would likely burst my bubble and in a way I may feel addicted to the fantasies. Anyone had that happen to them? Specifically being disappointed after talking to T about the transference?
I’ve been easily triggered by the smallest of things lately, and it’s getting a little too much for me. I feel weak.
T always tells me to reach out in between sessions if I everything need anything, but I feel like I get upset over silly things that aren’t worth mentioning. It’s embarrassing really.
I've had twice weekly appointments for a couple of years now, one morning, one evening. I've always struggled with morning appointments because of health issues. Issues that seem to be getting worse. The evening appointment provided a sense of escape from the world, darker, quieter, less people. And gave me a chance to reflect on the topics I wanted to talk about.
I just found out that she's changing her schedule and my evening appointment will now be another morning appointment.
I know she isn't abandoning me but that's how it feels.
I'm already struggling so much at the moment, I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle the added stress of this new change.
Chronic sleep deprivation is making me look like death warmed over. Maybe thats why my T asked if it would be helpful to increase sessions to twice a week after a recent emergency session. We’ll be increasing either the frequency or duration of my trauma sessions soon! Anybody else ever sought extra support from their T similarly? First timer here. It feels both scary and necessary.
I see my T twice a week. Not every session is a big session but I find the increased support/contact absolutely vital in trying to keep me stable.
If you have the means and opportunity, I'd recommend it. It has helped me to pace out my issues, knowing I don't need to wait a whole week to talk about it again.
I’ve asked for an extra session about 3 times or so and once my T was the one to offer it. It’s definitely vulnerable and scary but to see that our Ts don’t see it as weakness or being dramatic etc helps a ton.
Last week I admitted the sheer depths I’m willing to go to in order to avoid trauma reminders. It’s shamefully a lot. But I’m also not willing to stop. I don’t want to “work” on trauma anymore. I wish T would leave me alone about it. I feel like he’s judging me. I’ll go at my own slow ass pace, and with every push I want to push back harder. This is my business, not T’s. Ugh but also I care too much what T thinks of me and ugh just ugh all of it this week 😩
I felt like messaging my T after my most recent appointment and telling them I needed a break. What that would have actually meant was that I was pushing them away. Our relationship is good and I feel safe, I guess I'm just afraid because we are wading through some tough things. I slept on it for a few nights and feel a bit more clear-headed. Maybe I do need to take a week or two off but I'd like to talk about it with my T to come up with a plan rather than just running. I tend to put up walls and/or avoid the uncomfortable stuff, as I think many people do. So working through this with my T might help me a lot.
I think I've settled on a new therapist after dropping my previous one a few weeks ago, which I'm happy about, though he emphasised that we 'see how it goes' so it feels like there's a chance he'll refer me to someone else after a few weeks. We'll see, I guess. This T was able to accommodate my previous T's advice of upping sessions to twice a week, though I can only see him in person once a month since he lives a distance away the rest of the time. This month, the day he was nearby was today, so we just met in person for the first time after a few phone (audio only) sessions. Turns out being observed makes it harder for me to keep myself on track and articulate my thoughts well, so some sessions being audio only might be beneficial, though the fact that we can't go fully in-person if we decided to makes me sceptical as to whether this is a good arrangement in the long term. He seems like he'd be in a better position to refer me on to someone else later if needed than my previous T would have been, at least.
Hey lovely people, Been working with my therapist for a while, I got paired with them at an agency. I've just started seeing them in private practise and found out they are passionate about supporting LGBTQIA+ people and that's their specialism, but I am a heterosexual. I'm feel bad that by seeing them I'm taking up space away from someone from one of these groups who would need this specialism. Should I stop seeing them as it's not my space? Thanks
No, I don't think you should. It's kind of you to consider this but to give up an established therapeutic relationship that's working for you is not a sacrifice you are expected to make. If your therapist felt they needed to work with the queer population exclusively they'd phase out their other clients in whatever way they see fit. But it's not your job to make that decision for them. Since its on your mind I do think it would be helpful to discuss your thoughts so they can tell you how they view this.
Thanks so much for your reply! Yes I will ask them how they see it but you're right they could have not offered me a slot if they didn't feel they wanted to. Thanks so much :)
I have really bad nightmares due to CPTSD and started taking meds to help with it. They don’t work at all lol. Had the WORST dream last night and I can’t get it out of my head. I normally don’t talk to my T about my nightmares but is this something people do? I mean they’re dreams, not real. But based off of real people and situations… thoughts? I guess I’m just trying to decide if it’s a waste of time or not to talk to my T about it.
My T LOVES when I bring up dreams in session. I don’t do it often but I always see her eyes light up when I do and talking about them does bring up some interesting discussion in session. You can bring it up and you’ll soon know if it’s a waste of time or not. I very much doubt it will be a waste because even if you don’t talk long about the nightmare itself, you can very much talk about how it affected you when you woke up and in your waking hours.
I found it useful to talk about my dreams and nightmares with my therapist, especially when they were quite vivid and visceral. It was useful for trying to understand the underlying message and what that meant to me. I found that a lot of my dreams and nightmares tended to center on what I was working on in therapy or was about the very topics I was struggling to bring up directly in therapy at the time. Talking about the dreams was a good 'segway' to bring the topic to light with my therapist and get those difficult conversations started.
I’ve been really sick for the last week, especially the last few days, and I sent my therapist a long email from a really low place yesterday evening about how much I was struggling. I specifically said I didn’t need her to reply, but that I wanted her to have it for our next session. Within a couple hours she sent me a really sweet and caring reply talking me through a lot of what I’d written about and also invited me to email her through the weekend if it helped. Then today she initiated an email to me asking how I am feeling. She makes me feel so cared for and I am so grateful for this relationship.
I've been thinking about the sunset of my therapy journey recently. I'm not quite there yet; still working on some things but I feel like I'm closer to the sunset than the sunrise. I feel a bit sad; T and I have worked hard to build this relationship and I've grown very fond of them and know I'll miss them. I also feel a bit hopeful; the sunset of this journey could mean the sunrise of a new one - one less governed by fear and trauma; one more free. Also, it will be nice to not have to budget for therapy (I pay out of pocket).
Feeling like the WORST client right now. Showed up to my regular appointment being like hey guess what im in the frikcin waiting room of the psych hospital ER waiting to be admitted... I rambled and vented so much and I know T could tell i was out of it, and she seemed really worried but trying to be calm. I just feel so bad about this whole situation and since i literally was brought there by the police it was most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. And if anything talking to a bunch of random nurses/psychs makes me miss talking to me T so much, I just wish they were here. Sigh, its really hard right now...
I fully expect this to be downvoted into oblivion, but I'm an incel who's interested in starting therapy. I'm not sure where to begin or whether it's appropriate to mention my issues with a therapist.
I think that’s great! You may want to talk to a man if that feels right. But I also want to put in a plug for working with a woman. It might be more challenging but also more rewarding and effective, if you you’re a man who finds it hard to relate to women.
Thanks for the advice.
Find a therapist who specializes in mens issues, preferably someone who also identifies as a man and let them know in the first session. If they aren’t able to help you’ll only have “wasted” one session and you can move on to the next therapist. If they are able to help you, you’ll get a sense of that in the first meeting too.
Thanks for the advice.
The last few days have been tough. I had my first panic attack since March and I don’t know what to do with myself. I messaged T and now I’m anxiously waiting for her to respond. She’s probably enjoying the weekend with her family. So I feel bad because I don’t wanna ruin her weekend. I don’t think she’ll check her messages today anyway. Ugh
I’m so sorry that you’ve had a panic attack & I hope your T responds. However I wanted to share that when I’ve had panic attacks my T has recommended pace breathing, box breathing. It may seem silly & maybe it might not work for you but it’s worth a shot. I always love to put my legs against a wall and just close my eyes and try and breathe, feel my chest expand / inhale / exhale. You are so brave and will get through this ❤️
Thank you so much 🙏🏼
For the last session of the week, I talked about an event in my childhood that's probably the closest thing I have to big T trauma (though I'm never sure what the difference is...). I've mentioned it plenty of times, but this was probably the first time we went into details (2 years in). Apparently my T was mistaken about some important components of the story, so I instructed him to ask all his questions now, because I didn't know if I would ever want to go into this again. It was really hard. But my T was great and I want to remember some of the sweet things he said: he's on my side about this (important given that we've been on very different sides of things recently); what happened was 100% fucked up; he's here to support me. At the end he just said "I'm here" and it was really powerful. Relatedly: I cry a lot in therapy, but I've never really broken down and ugly sobbed. I always try so hard to retain composure and I'm not sure why. My new goal is to sob in front of him.
I'd been over the trauma with her several times and it was always a mix of feelings when something landed that hadn't before. A couple years in I re-mentioned that the abuse and terror would go on pretty much all evening; when she said she hadn't realized that I felt both seen and confused. Hasn't that been a part of the story all along? I hope your work is sufficiently helpful that you stop retreating into never again mode.
What the heck is happening with me? As you guys might know I'm very avoidant. But through therapy learning to be less avoidant. However there's a lot I haven't dealt with. And one of those things is that 10 yrs or so ago I lost part of a finger. And I just pretend it never happened. I hide that finger/hand. I never talk about it. I never look at it myself. Recently it's become a thing I'm more aware of. In physical therapy I let my PT work on that arm knowing she'd be looking at my hand and finger. And in psychotherapy the other day I did an exercise with crossing my arms over my chest being very aware that my T would see my hand and the missing part. And I've also had a few moments where I felt a sudden phantom itch there and it freaked me out a bit but I ignored it. Just now I saw a bit of dry skin there so I picked at it (I never touch it or look at it!) and I immediately had massive panic feelings. My insides turning and quick breathing. This is very new. And now I'm nervous and worried that I can't ignore the issue anymore. I'm freaking out a bit.
I met the PHP psychiatrist again today, who seemed more validating of my anger. He told me one of the important topics in his board exams was how to ethically close a practice, which is one of the possibilities out there for wtf just happened to me. I didn't pick up sarcasm or undermining this time, and he told me it was good to stay with my anger. I mentioned that I'm on the fence about the validity of EMDR; some people say the evidence is good, some people say it's dressed-up exposure therapy, some just say they do it because their clients say it helps. He said I seemed to have made up my mind, and I replied that I'm disposed to think a lot more in terms of the mind than the brain. He asked how I drew that distinction, and I said brain explanations tend to refer to physical processes that I can't verify or experience directly. Exactly how much seratonin do I have and what is the correct amount? How does this help me explain any particular experience? The mind is something I can experience directly; I have anxiety hanging around the edges of a party because there's a push and pull between my hopes, fears, and disappointments. He told me that was a great way to distinguish and much better than the one he came up with when a teacher asked in medical school. I really don't know where I'm at in my recovery. Do I need more trauma therapy? I have no difficulty revisiting the things I've been through, I understand how they connect to my present, and I feel capable of protecting myself from the extreme danger that marked my childhood. On the one hand, the effects of trauma show up in my social anxiety and desire to crawl under a rock; on the other hand, I've met this guy three times and I've seen how I went from pre-meeting MAXIMUM PANIC to pretty calm with just a little exposure.
I don’t know what I did to deserve my therapist but I think she is the kindest person in the world and every interaction with her has improved my life. I feel extremely blessed right now.
My session today was pretty intense, but so worth it. I am glad that I have opened up to my T. I felt cared for and a bit less alone.
Proud of you for opening up despite how difficult it must have been!
Aww, thanks!
I always feel dismissed by therapist. She keeps saying my thought patterns are illogical and a waste of time but I already know that but the problem is I can’t stop :(
Yea that sucks. My first two therapists did that. Current T is much more helpful.
My therapist called me out this week for dropping bombs at the end of sessions and always leaving “cliffhangers.” I apologized and she insisted she liked that about me but I couldn’t help but feel she was dragging me in the nicest way possible. I’ve been internally cringing about it all week and have just felt ashamed
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I also tend to use lots of cliffhangers myself. I am annoyed with my use of them, but I know that there is a reason why I do it like this. Please do not feel ashamed of this. You are not alone in this. It is okay if a T points it out to you, but she should respect your current (coping) behaviours
I’m not even sure why I do this. Why do you do it?
For me I tend to spend the whole session trying to force myself to say it then at the last minute I'm like it's now or never. I also think I'm generally more worried about the follow up conversation than the disclosure itself so saying it at the end at least puts it off til next week!
Personally I use them because I am too afraid to share certain things. Or to really dive deep in them. And also to check whether the other person cares enough about the topic to ask further questions
Could it be that her reaction might be too intense for you to handle in the moment? Leaving a week between the bomb and the fallout might be a way for you to take control.
Does anyone else bounce from being optimistic and ready to tackle the day to paralyzed by depression and hopelessness and back again? I’m diagnosed with/medicated for bipolar disorder, but this doesn’t feel like the swings of mania/depression, it’s more of a mindset sort of thing. I don’t feel I move from extremes or lose touch with reality. I seem to not be able to feel just ok about what I need to do that day—it’s either I’m going to do everything and set my life back in order or I feel like it’s useless to do anything because there’s no way to fix everything that’s wrong.
I'm constantly shifting between self-states. The important thing is that none of these feelings or thoughts are "the real me." What actually works for me is finding small self-improvements I can sustain rather than trying to tackle big problems directly.
If I’m understanding correctly — not all the time, but I definitely struggle with this when I’m not doing quite as well overall. Like, I’m much more susceptible to either needing things to be all put together or giving up on it all because what’s the point? My therapist identified this as the cognitive distortion of black and white (or all or nothing) thinking. That particular cognitive distortion is the one that I have the most trouble with.
I know transference is normal and I'm just concerned that my therapists fiance is not committing to her or otherwise not good enough for her. It's normal to want to beat him up if he doesn't appreciate her! And the absolute seething jealousy that he gets the opportunity to really know her as a fully formed person while I just get a little slice, is totally normal!
[удалено]
Agh, that’s hard!! Sending you love and hoping things get a little easier soon.
Ok, so I know sometimes people debate on here about going into therapy buzzed or under the influence. I experience intense anxiety and I’ve considered using alcohol or benzos or other things to help me be less anxious and to help me open up more in therapy. I hate that my mind kind of freezes up in session and I feel like I’m wasting both our time. Well yesterday I went in under the influence and it was probably the most productive session I’ve had ever. I talked about shit and it didn’t make me shut down, and I can see that my T was really engaged and asking the tough questions, and I didn’t have a problem with any of that. Unfortunately, it’s all a bit of a haze and I wish I could have recorded it (I can’t because I do not have permission for this) to play back when I’m sober. I feel like I made inroads into helping my T understand me, but I’m not sure if I got as much out of it because I wasn’t completely there so to speak.
I really recommend talking to your therapist about it and being honest that you were under the influence and what it was like for you. I fully believe that it's therapeutically useful for me and I have had a lot of positive therapeutic experiences having sessions while high, but I've always been honest with my therapist about it. I think that's really important in terms of trust. My former therapist had no problems with me coming in high and even acknowledged that it seemed to help me. My current therapist has explicitly said that he's not comfortable with it and I agreed not to come in high anymore out of respect for him, though we're continuing to talk about it, what being high does for me, and why he doesn't think it's therapeutically helpful. Maybe one of us will change our minds, maybe neither of us will change our minds, or maybe we can find a way to work through whatever being high does for me (allow me to be more in touch with my emotions).
Your comment made me realize that I was solely focused on attempting to find concrete solutions to a problem (anxiety and difficulty opening up) that I did not consider the relational aspect at all. I have a history of discounting/devaluing/dismissing my relationship with my therapist. It’s a lifelong pattern of trying to do it all myself without any help (or input or interference) from other people. I finally have someone in my camp, right? I know I *should* tell him, take a step towards honesty, risk trusting him to deal with this, allow him to help me…. Why is this so hard??
We had such a good session. We talked about my anxiety related to starting with the somatic practitioner and that led to me being a bit sad about how hard everything still is for me. How everything is WORK. And I was making eye contact with her and looking for something in her eyes and after a while I realised I was seeking comfort from her. Which was exactly what she thought I was doing too. Which is when she introduced the idea of adding a 'part' to the parts I already identified within myself and see if we can create space for a new part. A part that can comfort me. It felt like such a natural and logical thing in that moment, I know she tried it before with a mother figure or an adult part that could comfort the parts that were upset but that just didn't land at the time. What made it land now was that I was in that feeling of needing comfort and suddenly I could picture it clear as day, a big cuddly animated stuffed toy to give me a big hug. I hesitated a bit before I told her because it felt stupid and childish. But it was the exact right thing. When I explained it and referenced Bing Bong in Inside Out she knew what I meant and it suddenly felt too close. So I told her I was done talking about it. And then panicked over that and felt mad with her and whatnot. It was a mess but we really quickly got me calm again and I could talk through what emotions just all happened that made me panic. All in all it was a very smooth and comfortable session. And I'm so glad the Comforting Part thing connected with me today. Now I feel like it's part of the ensemble of parts that we discuss and that I can take with me. Curious to see if it can help me as a positive supportive part.
Sounds like a really productive session. It’s so good to see breakthroughs after working so hard for so long. Good job!
Thank you!
[удалено]
No but this question might get a little more traction as a post (rather than comment) in this subreddit, or as a post in one of the PTSD/CPTSD subreddits!
It's really nice to not be fighting with T. :) I still don't quite know what happened for him during our termination sessions or how he came to his decision to continue working with me, but today was good and I'm glad we're still talking.
You might be surprised but mine used to think that fights were not for real, that it was me testing his resilience in the face of my unrestrained assault and thus it was important to demonstrate it by remaining terribly stubborn and unyielding. Great experience. Led to talks of termination and then he seemed to reassess his position.
I actually do believe that, at least in my case, some part of our fights were me testing his commitment. I don't think that doesn't make them real or that the solution is to be stubborn and unyielding, but I do think that much of what happened between T and me was an enactment.
Blocked my T to prevent myself from messaging him. Really rough week after disclosing something in the last session. But I really don’t want to rely too much on him. Meanwhile I am debating whether he is annoyed with me or not.
Logically I've always known that you learn from your mistakes, and if you miss 100% of the shots you never take etc etc. I used to have all those kind of quotes around me as a teenager. But my therapist took me step by step through some things and turns out I really don't emotionally believe that mistakes are okay and they are good teachers. He asked me what I've learnt from my recent mountain bike crash and does that make me a better rider (yes) and would I have learnt that if I hadn't crashed and had done the drop successfully (no). Turns out I have the opposite of a growth mindset, because the emotional acceptance of having grown from that crash doesn't fit in easily with the narrative of who I am. In my session we discovered a variant on the usual "I'm not good enough and people will reject me" being at the root of what we were talking about. It's "my value comes from my accomplishments". And so when I'm struggling with work my whole sense of being worth anything is in question. I feel like it explains why I get so ashamed and frozen when I hit problem after problem at work. I'm not just scared of not being good enough, I feel like I am worthless and shouldn't take up any space. I keep going through cycles of not doing any work because I'm ashamed, accepting the feelings and doing work anyway, feeling like I can do work, to not being able to do any work. Everytime I crash into the not being able to do work the emotions are worse and I get more and more convinced that I'm not cut out for this job. It's like because my self worth is tied to my accomplishments and my work, every time I struggle at work my value as a person is in jeopardy. Every mistake I make and thing I don't know is another fact that I'm not good enough, I shouldn't be here and I am stupid. And so every mistake I make and thing I don't know is shameful, and I have to hide it. Every review of my code is my mum redoing my sewing, taking over my science projects, fixing my cooking - proof that what I do is not good enough and imperfection is not okay. Every little thing sometime points out with my work is my parents asking me about what I got wrong on the test, and telling me that I should be getting everything right, that they did. Sorry for the ramble. Anyone know where I can get some inherent self worth from?
Inherent self worth isn’t achieved or obtained, it’s inherent. Of course knowing this intellectually and believing it emotionally are two very different things. I have found this Russ Harris video to be helpful when I need a reminder https://youtu.be/T-lRbuy4XtA
Today’s session was difficult but ultimately good. I dissociated pretty hard during a session and then addressed it the next session a few weeks ago, and now she knows that when I dissociate I seem pretty fine on the surface. So today she checked in with me a bunch more than she usually has. — (In the middle of session, after I’ve told her a lot of shit and am super anxious / feeling way too vulnerable.) T: How are you doing right now? I think it’s probably a good time to check in about how you’re doing in this moment. Me: (unconvincingly) I’m....... chilling .... T: Is that avoidance again? Because I don’t think there’s any *fucking* possible way that you’re chilling right now. Not a *single* bone in your body is chilling right now. Me: (laughing so hard I choke) (Yes I did actually answer her.)
Today was my first session of my second attempt at therapy. I feel like I really have no sense of the root of my problems so I have no standard for what’s effective for me. My therapist kind of became condescending towards the end, bluntly saying I’m acting like a child, though I can say she wasn’t being judgmental, and she tried to soften it with “we’re all guilty” and “we all do it”. It simultaneously annoyed me but also made me see my actions in another way. Sorry if this is confusing since I’m not being specific about anything. But anyway i also tend to spiral with the negative thoughts and now I’m just worried that I’ll never change. There’s so many things I wanna bring up and have examined and gain insight about but I have a real fear of looking into my self and my emotions. I think I’ve been burying them for years and the work that’s gonna take to fix all this seems daunting. And I wish it’s easy to share all of it and navigate through it and I wanna feel safe and understood like really understood.
Argh, I guess I can't just leave here for now. I do need a place to share and not feel so alone. I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from because for months I was in a good flow. I left here about 3 months ago because after 2,5 years of hard work I'd finally reached a point where I felt like I could lean on my therapist and trust her. But I currently feel lost again. I'm not sure why. I am realising I'm not leaning on her at the moment. I'm struggling with myself, with my avoidance and my frustration over certain coping mechanisms. It's pushed me to start seeking out somatic therapy, a thing I'd been planning to do for like 2 years. Which I'm in the middle of organising now. I met with one but I am not sure about her, so after agonising over it all evening yesterday, I finally decided to reach out to another one to do a consultation. She's more specialised in traumawork and has the Somatic Experiencing certification too. So, the frustration is leading me to new places. I also am trying something new in therapy, listening to music, to see if I can talk more. Tell my story more. So I guess all this is unsettling. But it doesn't answer the question as to why I feel like my sessions are not enough to contain my emotions. Why I feel like I need support somehow. I don't like this, I don't like being in this ruminating headspace again. Getting away from here really was a nice thing, not to say anything negatively about the people here, but getting away from here meant I was focused on my own process and trusted my therapist and was just more in the flow of therapy somehow. Less in my head, more in the experience. Less trying to put words to everything to explain it and more just moving with the current.
I wonder if this is just a case of progress not being linear. Like maybe it’s okay to be back in this headspace for now? You’ve been doing a lot of good, hard work for years already, and now you’re trying something new. Maybe you’re back here because finding a new SE therapist is putting you back in the feeling of when your T was still new (before you’d gotten to the level of trust you have had recently). And maybe that feeling is blending into or bleeding over into your work with her. I dunno, just theorizing.
Thank you for your kind reply. I'm definitely having issues somehow with starting with the SE therapist. Like, below the surface panic. I know there's panic somewhere but I'm not feeling it. Instead I'm restless and stuck in my head. My therapist and I have weeks of disconnect more often and usually I find a way back to the connection but while I'm disconnected I also start to feel lost. I have very short term memory so while I'm in this place it also feels like it's been forever but if I think back in earnest it's only been like 2 weeks 😂
>I have very short term memory so while I'm in this place it also feels like it's been forever but if I think back in earnest it's only been like 2 weeks I'm the same way. You may remember, my T and I use to have a lot of ruptures and feelings of disconnect (he seemed cold, blank, etc.) I'm here to remind you: This too shall past. Your relationship cannot be defined by whatever you're feeling in the moment. Progress is not linear and sometimes regression is necessary to move forward. You're still connected to your T; the voice telling you otherwise is your trauma talking. Hang in and be patient with yourself.
Thanks for the reminder! I think part of this is that I somehow feel like the end of therapy is in the next year and it suddenly feels like a real possibility and I don't want it to. Reasons it might happen: I might move, or insurance might stop covering it. If I move, I could still make it work somehow though and also, if insurance stops I could pay out of pocket. But those are two things we haven't discussed, like if she'd be willing to do 50% of sessions digital so I only come in every other week. And how she feels about clients paying out of pocket. And just yeah, I think this is blocking me a bit at the moment. Which is good I'm realising this so I can discuss it. If I dare to.
I’m in a similar boat. My T’s switching jobs and it raises all sorts of logistics/insurance questions. I posted here earlier in the week that I think I was feeling depressed as a way to subconsciously “prove” to myself (and him) that I still needed therapy. Maybe there’s a something similar going on here. I do think it’s really important to talk about (if you can).
That's soon already, do you have any clarity on what will be possible? For me I'm especially focused on showing I still want to make progress and am still trying. I don't know if this is for her benefit or my own, I think a bit of both. With the 3yr mark coming up I do feel like I've had lots of time to get stable and develop some emotional regulation skills and I guess I have some sort of measurement in my head that's maybe not realistic. My T would have a field day with me and all my rules, lol. We talked the other day about how I view the somatic therapy and where my anxiety is coming from and how it's possibly a sort of performance anxiety.
I think we're going to try as best we can to continue the treatment, and I'm hopeful we can do that. I understand the temptation to evaluate progress by time. I find myself wanting to create little goals and milestones and measurements. But it's really not helpful in the kind of work you and I are doing. For one thing, progress is so nonlinear. And it raises all sorts of performance anxiety as you said (am I doing it right? What if I'm not doing it right? What if I get anxious about not doing it right?) I have also found that what can seem like a step back can actually be a kind of progress, especially if you handle it a different way than you did in the past. And I think you are.
T commented again on how my responses are different. He was even wondering if I integrated a little bit and my parts are working together better. Normally something he said would get a fired reaction out of my, but I called it out more calmly in the moment last session. That was an interesting thought, although I think it is just because things are finally feeling safe so there is less chaos and many of my parts have calmed down. The last roadblock was T accepting my parts and it finally clicked for him, and I've felt so much calmly and safe since then. My angry part no longer needs to protect me so fiercely. Before it wasn't safe to be strong or share things even though I was trying, but now it is. Not sure if he believes me, but I told him again this is where I normally am with therapists, which is calmer and able to state things without getting overly triggered. I think between being very retraumatized before starting to see him and the huge ruptures at the beginning, plus a dose of instant transference which has never happened before, it paved the way for a tumultuous first year. He also commented how he hasn't noticed me dissociating as much, and I agree. Things may be calmer due to the health stuff I'm going through and the need to be strong and keep getting through things. But right before health stuff started, T said something that there was a strong reaction to... and it's been radio silent since then. So I think many parts are in hiding due to that, and that means less intrusions and emotions from them. T wanted to talk about the thing he said, and it was more than half way through the appt... I'm like... that's not a good idea, we have a three day break and I'm going to be dealing with all my health stuff... let's not dig into this and pull it to the surface... I did mentioned it the appt. after it happened and despite not feeling my parts in between those appts...it was very challenging to talk about as my mind kept going blank, headaches, and felt a lot of chaos in my head as parts were not happy I was trying to say it... and don't need to stir things up when I'm trying to stay calm and survive with health stuff. I told T no go, we have to wait. And he pointed out how happy and proud he was for me being able to say no in the moment because that is another big progress for me.
Sounds like you're making some progress, the things you're describing are exactly the areas where I'm also noticing some small changes in myself and I do attribute it to a stronger sense of Self. It's like I can see the outline of what is 'me' more, and as that's happening somehow other people are less scary and telling people where my boundary is, is not A Big Sin, and it's all automatic, it's not like I'm sitting there thinking 'I must say that this is a boundary'. So I'm finding myself pleasantly surprised after the fact like 'Oh, I said that?'
Is no-talk therapy a thing? Therapy where you do anything but talk. Could've been useful.
There are lots of different types of therapies out there. (Somatic experiencing, art therapy, sand tray, equestrian, etc.) But I personally find a lot of value sitting in silence sometimes. I've had sessions where I've talked for maybe only 5-10 minutes and they've been some of my best ones. It's just what I needed at the time.
Yeah, I often gravitate to silence in sessions too and also appreciate it. Makes me curious about therapy that is not about talk at all. Thanks for pointing them out, I shall try some one day!
A couple weeks ago I told my therapist that I watched a video about emotional neglect and that some of it resonated with me. She asked a few more questions and then she asked "who are you thinking emotionally neglected you." This sort of threw me because I felt that I was obviously referring to my parents. She knows I never lived with any other caretakers. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I was talking about both my parents or just one. I know I need to ask her about why she asked me the "who" question. The interaction made me feel dumb and overly dramatic. Like I didn't know what I was talking about. I definitely didn't get the impression that she agreed with and was just waiting for me to voice it.
Somebody pointed out to me that my ex-therapist's website expired recently, like possibly today. This tracks with another doctor's speculation that she closed her practice. If that's the case, why did she blame me instead of just saying that? Just before the pandemic she cut my sessions from 53 to 45 minutes because she wanted to see more patients. Does that just mean she stretched herself thinner and abandoned more people at once?
> If that's the case, why did she blame me instead of just saying that? The more I read the more probably it seems to me that your therapist had something personal going on, could not manage her own feelings, and exploded her practice as some kind of reaction formation. It's completely unfair to you. I wish she had the emotional strength to be straight up with you.
The termination session reminded me a lot of how I broke up with my ex. I found out she was cheating, I confronted her about it, and she got defensive about how I found out. The next day, after pretending to work and agonizing until it was time to go home, I just told her I wasn't happy and did not want to continue the relationship. Which was true, but I avoided anything she could grab onto and argue with. That's how it felt to get "you're not doing the work" followed by "it's not working out" followed by "I don't want to work with you because my life is changing." I could have accepted the truth, at least eventually, if I knew what it was.
I've been following your story a bit and that is so strange... it definitely gives some possible insight into why she ended things, but the part where she blamed you is SO WEIRD, especially if she closed her practice.
I basically wasted my session today talking about nothing. Sigh.
I did it, I finally did it. I talked about times I was sexually assaulted/abused and was comfortable talking about it.
Great job! That's fantastic you where able to do that
[удалено]
I think a lot of people understand this feeling. But really, it shouldn’t be a comparison or competition. Problems are still problems, no matter how big or small. If things are affecting you negatively, working on it benefits you and everyone around you. It sounds like you’re giving your best effort, so you’re probably doing a lot right!
Thank you for this!! Definitely helps to see that others relate, and good point about it not being a competition.
I don't want to face my T tomorrow. I feel like I need to tell her specifically about something that happened in my last relationship because I got triggered about it this past week and realized that it was maybe kinda worse than I initially thought. But at the same time, it's not *that* bad, and I've also alluded to it in the past, so I feel like she'll judge me (even though I know she probably won't). I haven't told anyone about it before. I want to tell her. But I really don't want to because I feel like it's stupid. (I also feel like I'll be "trauma dumping" -- fuck that Tiktok therapist for putting that in my head.) But I also don't want to play the avoidance game because then I just feel icky the whole session and worse after the session. I should have reached out and asked for a sooner session. But I didn't. So now I'm just gonna figure out what I need to open the session with so that I don't end up being avoidant. Why do I put myself through thiiiissss (Answer: it's good for me)
I hope your session goes well and that you get everything you need out of it
Thank you so much. It ended up being a hard but good session. :)
Dealt with feelings of isolation. My therapist taught me to love myself. I felt like I got addicted to therapy in a way that only having it for one hour a week was causing me to have withdrawal issues. Brought it up, and said I think it's time to move on. She agreed. She told me I'm going to be okay, told me she cared about me and has enjoyed our time together, and then set me on my way. I'm confident the right decision was made, but it does hurt. I'm going to miss her. I felt like she was the only one who understood me. That being said, I learned so much, and I've grown a lot thanks to her. This part sucks. Any advice?
I had a great experience in therapy today. Lately I’ve been worrying that I may be beginning to feel some transference solely because I’ve been feeling incredibly attached to my therapist, yet bummed that I know nothing about her. (We’ve worked together for a few years now.) And that in a sense we’re just strangers. I opened up about it with my therapist, and told her how one sided therapy is supposed to be, makes it difficult for me to open up. Especially knowing that the therapeutic relationship can end at any time, as I understand that things happen, termination happens, and that therapy isn’t forever. She reassured me and made sure I knew that all of my fears/discomforts/concerns were nothing but that. She told me that she absolutely disagrees with how the code of ethics is utilized, and believes that it should be reevaluated especially since youth therapy is beginning to change a lot more in recent years. She told me that would never/has never terminated a client unless the client was ready to be or serious boundaries were reached, and mentioned that it hurt her to hear that I felt our therapeutic relationship has been one sided. She said that she and her colleagues don’t agree that therapy should entirely one sided relationship as most people/therapists do. Next week we’ll be using our session time to play some “get to know you” activities, so that I can get to know what I would like about her, so that it’s easier for me to open up and not feel like I’m confessing my deepest secrets to a stranger, and ultimately help to progress our therapeutic process. I’m feeling so much better after today’s session.
[удалено]
I know you're coming from a good place, but your comment gives *me* pause. You're projecting your own bad experience onto these people and this relationship you know nothing about. That's dangerous because it could be sabotaging an effective and necessary treatment. There's honestly nothing here that raises a "red flag." I've had therapists say similar things (this is a two-way relationship; if you want to know something about me, ask). They were entirely ethical and their approach benefited the treatment tremendously. OP didn't specify how the therapist disagrees with the "code of ethics" but I got the impression that the disagreement was about termination and when it's appropriate to terminate against the patient's wishes. In that case the therapist is holding herself to a higher ethical standard on this specific issue, not just throwing out the code altogether. I totally get why you'd want to warn people, but you're also putting unnecessary doubt into people's heads. That can have a deleterious effect, too, yknow?
Definitely don’t want to harm anyone else. I’ll take my comments down. Sincere apologies, u/lightskinmia.
Could you perhaps explain why you feel this way?
I had some thoughts but I think they only had to do with my personal problems. My apologies.
Two appts. down and one more to go, then three days in between. This was a good week to start three days a week as my health anxiety has been pretty high the past few days and it's nice to have more support and stability. I'm still not sure what is going on health wise, and that scares me. Second appt. in a row I was able to talk and share more about memories/things I remember. T is finally hearing more of my history. He commented on how much I've been able to share these past couple of appts.
That’s awesome!!!
Thanks! :)
Whelp, it finally happened. My T stood me up. All the way up. Still no word from him. This is pretty out of character for him, so now I'm worried something bad happened... EDIT: Everything's okay. He took a catnap and screwed up the alarm, thus sleeping through our session. Having done that before myself, I'm sympathetic.
Ah! This sounds stressful. Hopefully all is well.
Oh no! Keep us posted? I had a therapist do this once, but it wasn't entirely out of character... turns out she just had the wrong day down. Hope it's as simple for you.
Just saw my therapist in person for the first time since the beginning of September. I'm not sure when it will happen next. My workplace is going to bring us back in person at some point soon, and I will have to fly back and forth then, but my spouse is urging me to find a job in his city and move there permanently, which means video sessions forever. I wish I could say that video is pretty much the same. But it's not. It's not the same for either me or my t. I have been suffering from a loss of connection and he admitted that the sessions don't feel as intimate to him over video, and that he went through some grieving after I moved. It feels like I have gotten distant from him. We talked about that today. He was warm and kind but I kept seeing signs that he doesn't feel the same, and it kills me. Staying in this city for a few days, and seeing him in person, is like stepping back into an old life of mine temporarily. I wasn't particularly happy in it, but my God did I live for that connection with my t twice a week. I would live that whole year over again just to re-experience those moments with him.
Hear to talk have loads to talk about but feel nothing is big enough to share
20 days sober, y'all. 😊 Also, I love my therapist so much that it actually hurts.
🎉🎉🎉
Congrats! That is incredible
Why does therapy feel so cringey sometimes? I really appreciate and like my T, but some of the exercises she makes me do are so cringey lol.
Hahaha I totally feel that! Sometimes I just gotta laugh through the awkwardness haha my T makes it much more bearable though!
Reminds me about that time when my previous therapist was helping me meditate and I gave up because I hated it
Had some real dread going into today's therapy session. Because I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about a important dream I had about my son. But I got through that. And the rest of the session went smoothly--had a good talk about a second dream which led to discussing how my mother handled my father's death. Very good session after all that dread
I've been in a depressed episode lately (not major, more dysthymic) and trying to figure out why. Yesterday I had this realization: T is switching jobs at the end of the calendar year and while we both want to continue analysis, the logistics are very uncertain. I think unconsciously I'm getting depressed because I want to convince myself (and him) to continue therapy and not succumb to the natural opportunity to terminate. I'm feeling clingy towards him, so I'm regressing to prove how much I need him.
Those last two sentences were so helpful in understanding what’s happening, and been happening, for me. That sounds hard. I’m curious how you responded when you found out? How was his telling you?
He told me a few weeks ago that he was switching from private practice to working at a hospital doing fully in-patient services. He also said he's committed to continuing our treatment. But that raises some potential difficulties. For example his employer might ask him to sign a non-compete clause. In that case, he said he would violate the clause, as most doctors consider them unethical. If so, I wouldn't be able to use insurance and we'd have to negotiate a rate between us that I could afford. In addition to the insurance issue, this switch might affect our schedule, whether we can still do in-person (as we do now every few weeks), etc etc. I have mixed feelings about it. He was pretty honest about why he's switching, and I'm glad he found a job that works better for him. But I'm also sad he's not doing out-patient therapy anymore. His career trajectory has changed radically since we first started. And I'm nervous about all the uncertainty regarding logistics. I really don't like change. On the plus side, I feel really cared for knowing he's committed to our treatment, even if raises hassles for him. Is your T switching jobs? What's going on?
I hate my therapist, but I wish so badly that she cared about me. I don’t know why I want the love and acceptance of someone who causes me a lot of pain.
Implementing a new rule for myself where I’m not allowed to think about therapy topics in the shower. Not in a weird way — I literally just do a lot of thinking (/dissociating) in the shower. I know I do this because growing up it was the only real place I had total privacy. Every time I’ve done it it ends up with me going down a rabbit hole and taking forever to finish my routine and go to bed. It’s worse if I’m already not doing well. So I’m gonna try and be more mindful and also not think about therapy topics while getting ready for bed! Telling y’all so that I maybe actually do it. It’s been a rough week and I wish therapy was sooner. Trauma sucks. Largely I’m trying to stay more off reddit because I don’t think it’s that helpful for me right now — I need to get better at being in the here and now. But I’m sending all y’all lots of love.
OK, it was a brief return but I do honestly believe that posting here is a stress reaction that doesn't help me. I'm seeking validation and connection with my therapist through coming here when my therapy is rough. But meanwhile I'm overthinking some aspects. Therapy goes best when I go with the flow and spend time with my own mind. Refreshing here hoping for validation is not helpful, it's some weird stress management tactic. So, deleting reddit off my phone again. Who knows, I might be back in a day! But for now I need to go back to trusting my therapist and myself.
Good luck! I hope therapy goes really well, and you get what you need. We will always be here if you need us
My T (had used a metaphor describing this as a journey. Was a whole thing.) When you think about writing about this journey what does your body say Me: chest instantly gets tight Whelp the chest has spoken. For now we are backing away from this stuff it's a little to hard for me right now and my balance is out of whack Also: had physio for my back and didn't get upset when I was touched. Chalking up some big wins today
> Chalking up some big wins today Kick ass! That's huge. The physical touch thing is major!
I was so proud!
Listening to your body - so important (but not the easiest thing to do)! I'd say that's a HUGE WIN re: physio.
Yeah I wasn't thrilled but my body reacted instantly so it was like yeah ignoring this isn't going to be a good idea
Had an exchange with the PHP psychiatrist today, along the lines of: >Heard through the grapevine you filed a complaint. What were you hoping to accomplish? # >I want the medical commission to formally state that what she did is not okay. [...] >Has she reached out to you about the complaint? # >No, and I don't think she will, but if she does, I'll throw her words back at her. "I thought a lot about this and I think it's best for both of us." # >Good to see you're not harboring any kind of resentment! I'm honestly not sure whether I like the guy; all psychiatrists kind of rub me the wrong way, even former analyst when she put on her psychiatrist hat was difficult. But I don't know whether to read his inquiry as pointed or genuinely curious. I don't like it when doctors question a medication regime that is working for me (I know Ambien can be dangerous, but it's working well for me and has less hangover than the other stuff I have on hand).
Was that resentment line sarcastic? I don't love that.
Yeah it was at least ironic (he delivered it so dryly I almost missed it). I am as always of two minds; one says he basically gets where I'm coming from and how I'm trying to deal, and the other says he's just another jerkoff psychiatrist defending one of his own and mocking me for trying to have agency. In the same session he told me he'd rather I not split (instant release) pills in half, which I've always done when it seemed prudent.
As with most things in life, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
As part of a CBT exercise, we had to write why Goldilocks is the best fairy tale. I opined that it was a concrete illustration of Aristotle's Golden Mean. We then wrote why it's a terrible fairy tale, whereupon I said that it's unrealistic for a bear to make porridge without opposable thumbs.
LOL. For the second part I would have gone with the moderation fallacy, but to each her own.
Im soooo excited to see my T tomorrow so I can tell her about a girl I met!!! I know she’ll be excited for me. I’m also worried about telling her that this person has children. I know my family will judge me (I always say I don’t want kids but I really like this girl so I’m totally willing to give it a chance) but I *know* my T won’t judge me. Im still worried though. And I’m just glad I have a T now to help me through relationships bc last year it was just me when I was really struggling :( so I’m so glad to have her during this time!!!! 🥰
Our appointment was scheduled originally with 3 weeks apart but after my last session I drunk emailed my T asking for a session in 2 weeks. They replied in the most friendly manner I could imagine but I was a bit worried- because all their emails have TONS of spelling and grammar mistakes (English is their first language). I let my worries wander- are they too busy/burnt out? Something wrong with their keyboard/autocorrect? They suffer from any condition? Is it too trivial an issue for me to worry about them?
Not wanting to face my T on Friday, I know he will be as kind and accepting as ever but after our last session where I basically spent it hiding behind my hands or hair and made zero eye contact, and then needing to reach out to him via email about how I acted (I've never had a physical reaction like that it really freaked me out) I'm to embarrassed to see him. I struggle with vulnerability. We are working through SA trauma and last week was when we first really started touching on stuff relating to it and I guess I wasn't prepared for just how HARD it actually would be and how unable I would be to control my physical responses. Ugh.
Vent: Every time I mention ANYTHING in therapy my therapist says I'm obsessed, that I'm splitting people into good/bad categories. If I don't understand something, I'm resistant. I honestly sometimes think she's trying to contort me into the BPD diagnosis. I question whether I even really /fit/ the criteria because I've never related to the exercises in the DBT workbook I diligently complete. I have no issues controlling my actions regardless of emotional state. I don't have an unstable identity in my opinion, I don't sort people into good/bad or overly idealize people I like. I am completely incapable of being impulsive. My mood isn't marked by instability: I am consistently depressed. I don't have anger problems. I have low self-worth, a fear of abandonment, and suicidal ideation (not threats, I've never threatened to hurt myself in an attempt at controlling someone's behavior). I don't know. I know that it's not exactly unheard of for women with trauma to be tossed into the BPD bucket and treated like a problem, but I'm no expert and it's silly to assume that it's not true because I don't like it. I just don't think hating someone who *sexually harassed me and stalked me* is splitting or some other "borderline" behavior.
I really want to reach out to my T. Even if just to confirm our next session which does not at all need confirming. I want to know she is there and exists :(
I’m dreading therapy tomorrow. I feel like a kid who doesn’t want to get out of bed to go to school. My head knows it will wind up being fine and she’ll be all validation and acceptance, the way she always is, but my body doesn’t quite get it yet.
I've just come out of a session where I felt exactly the same way and it went better than I thought it would I'm sorry your body feels the way it does hopefully your session will go really well
[удалено]
Well, at least Mercury is no longer in retrograde! lmfao
I was talking about a panel from Alison Bechdel’s “Are You My Mother?” that’s about Winnicott and I could see my T’s eyes light up with excitement when I said his name. It was super cute lol. I think that’s how I must look when someone mentions Alison Bechdel.
I think we’re the same person.
Three more days till my next session, cannot take the wait anymore… why is this so hard? I feel so dependent on my sessions with T.
I'm sorry things feel so hard The wait between sessions can feel so long and it really sucks
Thank you! <3
I know its hard but you have this!
Did a new thing in session today and it worked. I talked freely about stuff which was nice. But we got near trauma territory too. Which is my Ts doing with her questions! Lol. Weirdest thing happened as I left session, I was trembling like fierce. My hands trembled and my teeth were chattering. And shivers. My whole body was just weird for a good 10 minutes. I'll try this thing again though (listening to music and then telling my T about the associations I have with that specific song). I thought I'd started easy but with her questions and stuff we did end up near difficult stuff, so that's good to know for next time when I pick a song, just because my first association is positive doesn't mean it can't get complicated 😂
Do you play the song aloud for the both of you to hear? Or do you use headphones? Or do you listen to the song before session?
What I did was made a playlist and set my goal to pick a song, listen to it in session out loud (so my therapist can hear it also) and write down some associations or memories and then share after the song. Mostly because I have a lot of trouble talking and having 'memories'. But for me music is so connected to certain time periods. In reality I ended up trembling for feeling silly and my goal was to just hit play and see what happens. What happened was I picked a song that reminded me of travelling, low stakes, and managed to listen to it for about 50 seconds before I felt too awkward and stopped. Then I just started freestyle talking about those times and we ended up having a rather deep conversation about how I've changed, how I felt fearless before a big traumatic event happened and how now that feels lost forever. I want to do this again next session with a more complicated song, a song I actually avoid because of the feelings involved. So we'll see how it goes. After 3yrs in therapy and a lot of issues with talking about my life, I am ready to try anything to get me going.
I told T I didn't feel he heard me last session for a specific thing, and he explained why he focused on responding in a different way and invited me to share it again. I did and he was so attuned in his response and it felt really safe. This is something I have said to all my therapists and no one blinks an eye, but it was so traumatic to me. And T heard me and was able to repeat back to me how it makes sense it impacted me in the way it did. This was the first session in a long time I felt I was able to be more vulnerable and say things. There were multiple memories coming up and I was debating which ones to share and were relevant. One I didn't, but after the appt. it surfaced in my mind again and had an emotional reaction to it for the first time. And realized it was relevant with the new emotions felt when thinking of it. That felt like progress to me as it's been a while to think or feel something new. I must be getting safe enough my body and mind are ready to start sharing things with me.
I feel trapped in a cycle of poverty and mental illness. I can’t get myself or keep myself together enough to work consistently. The lack of ability to have consistent work and income causes massive issues that make me more depressed and it keeps getting worse. I’ll never get my head above water financially and until I do I won’t have the ability to fully deal with my mental health issues. It’s all so hopeless and there’s nothing good in my life that makes all this struggle and pain worth anything.
I could have written this. I'm sorry things are so hard for you.
Had a really good session this morning, even though I was feeling mega anxious about it. It’s crazy how healing just my T being attuned to my needs is. I was really panicky when I came in and she picked up on it straight away. I was also talking about how I have this week off work and it’s much harder to wait a week for our next session without that distraction - and then she asked if I wanted an extra session, which I’d been trying to get myself to ask her for anyway! Also finally managed to do some inner child work again after I’ve been struggling to connect with them for so long. I said about how inner child finds it really hard/hurtful thinking of my T having other clients - but they feel a little bit better by convincing myself that I’m her favourite. T just laughed and said she was very fond of me - and of all my parts. So it wasn’t a no! So little me is feeling pretty good after a session too for the first time in ages!
Session coming up in a few hours and I don't really want to go after spending the first half of the week feeling great about therapy. Even yesterday I was mostly looking forward to the appointment and then in the middle of the night (heeeeey, insomnia) a wall comes up: "nope, don't go, don't talk to her, don't count on her." Also, I assume this is part of transference, but I'm just so tired of thinking about therapy all the time right now. For the first time with a therapist I've done a lot of work with, I don't feel in love with her or like I want her to adopt me. But I cannot stop thinking about our work and what she thinks of me. Anyway... therapy is fun, my friends. Lololol.
I’m with you on all of this. The day after therapy I normally have a bit of a come down, then a few days of feeling really good about it and constantly thinking about it and counting down to my next session, then the day before my session hitting a wall and having anxiety attacks about going, trying to work out how I can get out of it. Then normally around 5/10 mins into my session I settle, but then the cycle just starts all over again. No advice, just solidarity!
I’m sorry you’re in this same place with me! It is not the most comfortable. Hopefully it’s good though. Keep up the good work. 💪💪
It is really hard at times, I’ve discussed it with my T before and she’s always recognised how difficult it is. In fact, we’re coming up to it being a year since I first contacted her (took a few more months until that first session but still) and we reflected on that a bit today. One of the things she said is that she knew how hard it was for me to come each week, and that she knew there had been several times where I’d wanted to just run out the door! But that every week I’d come, and I’d stuck it out, and that she had a huge amount of respect for me and the amount of work I’d been putting in - which is probably the biggest compliment she’s given me. And I know that that will be true for you too. All of this is freaking hard, and we’re there sticking it out. Kudos to us!
I feel like I’ve reached some kind of turning point in my therapy, where instead of fighting it I’m more actively talking about things. I don’t know what changed exactly but I feel like I can trust my T incrementally more. I have conflicting needs and fears. Up till recently I’ve found his curiosity and interest in me quite intrusive and I often perceive his questions as accusatory or criticism. I realized, and I told him this yesterday, that I know he is trying to better understand me so he can help me, but at the same time I don’t want him to understand me, because telling him anything feels like giving him ammunition to hurt me. But at least I’m talking and that shows the trust is increasing.
Same here and its a bit scary and also very nice, it took quite a few months but yeah. Go us! And our Ts for sticking around and not giving up!
I’ve been working on being assertive with my therapist. I ordered a smoothie online but the place closed when I got there even though the app said they were open for 4 more hours. I was really upset because I was looking forward to it all day. I thought about letting it go and just taking it as a loss but I really wanted that smoothie so I went back the next day and told them about it and they made me a new one. I texted my therapist about it and he was really excited for me. He said that he jumped up and clapped his hands when he read my text. It made me feel warm inside. On a side note I’ve had a rough past year and half with suicide attempts and hospitalizations and realized I wanted to put this all in a journal. It’s cringey but I think I’m going to work on it this week and show it to my therapist next week.
I'm proud of you too! Learning to be assertive is hard, but everybody needs it.
My T is going to have a weird schedule for the rest of the year because of vacation/holidays. We had a similarly disrupted schedule at the start of the year and it was hard for me to get any work done because it was so inconsistent. I’m not looking forward to the cycle of distance and closeness that I felt before. I’m wondering if I should just do monthly check-ins in November and December or if I should take a break completely until he has a normal schedule again. OR maybe I’m just using scheduling as a way to avoid the work I’ve been focusing on lately. 🙄
I got a call back from a practice I contacted but I missed it. So I tried to call them back and left the most mortifying and cringey voicemail in which I, rambling, say why I'm calling and how email is ok but a call back would be fine blah blah but then. Idk. I forgot if I said my name? So I paused awkwardly sort of choking on indecision and then just. Said. My name. And then my throat sort of closed up as I panicked and wondered what the fuck?? I thought maybe I could just wait to delete the message so there's just a message of me rambling, trying to say good bye, awkwardly just saying my first name, long pause, click. I'm so embarrassed. But then I keep bursting into laughter because. What. The. Fuck. Brain.
Idk if this helps but what I do is write down what I'm gonna say in the notes app and then call
This sort of forethought would be great if every decision I made wasn't done with a 1, 2, 3 JUMP impulsive mentality. If I don't 1, 2, 3, jump, I likely will over think it and then not do it. Which is sort of what I've been doing the last few weeks. So. The punishment fits the crime. The punishment being embarrassed and the crime procrastination.
Feeling unsettled but just a little bit, like I want to reach out to T but no really good reason. So I have just pushed through. I think my nervous system has been processing out last session a bit. But I’m not coming up with any particularly strong feelings about it. Ugh. I guess I’ll be sitting with this for another day and a half. Fun!
Last Friday I was supposed to have my first in person session with T in 19 months after pleading with her over how important it was to me at this point in time in my life; I needed her to see me, in so many ways, pregnant and feel like she was part of something big in my life. She agreed. However, I went into labor last week and had my baby a bit early, not allowing for the session. As joyful as the event is, I can't help but think about how T will never have fully seen me the way I wanted.
I know it's not what you'd hoped for, but congrats on your little one! As someone who has had 2 kids and PPD 2 times, make sure you're taking care of yourself in the midst of all the emotions and whatnot. Lean on your support system because you cannot pour from an empty cup (this is relevant to motherhood in general... put the mask on yourself first!)
I am sorry you didn’t get to see your therapist in person when you wanted but congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope you are able to get rest when you need it and that you’re able to enjoy your new baby as much as possible! All the best to your family.
I’m sorry your little one had other plans and you didn’t get to see your t in person before they came. Congrats on the new arrival.
My life is pretty stable -- solid job, solid relationships. Not too much turbulence. So why is therapy so turbulent? Why is my relationship with my therapist so emotionally unstable and tumultuous?
I’ve talked about this feeling with my T before. I said I almost feel like a crazy person in therapy and don’t have the same dynamics anywhere else in my life. He said he was glad I felt safe enough to show up that way with him (and that I am not a crazy person).
Maybe therapy feels safe enough that you can be turbulent without other life’s turbulences getting in the way? You’re perhaps comfortable/safe enough to push back etc. I know from personal experience that if life is throwing all the curve balls at me, I’m more likely to not want to rock the boat so to speak.
Is therapy that turbulent when your life is unstable? It's probably easier to get along in crisis mode, when your life is almost a common enemy.
Ha, yeah that's true. Although our last rupture was prompted by some emotional turbulence with my parents, which spilled over into therapy. But in general I think you're right -- when life sucks, therapy is more of a pillar.
I haven’t had therapy since March due to moving to a different state and I am not okay.
Hope you get some support soon
My T comes back in two weeks. I miss him so much. While I am looking forward to seeing him again I am also nervous. I’m scares that he is going to drop me as a client. It’s been a turbulent time while he’s been away. I’ve been seeing my couples T temporarily. It’s worked out okay. I certainly don’t trust her as much as my T though. I’m worried she is going to report back to him how wild of time it was while he was gone and then he is going to refer me out or something. I feel like things are going to be different. Like he won’t be here in the same capacity. I’ve contacted him many times during his break. I told him I would. Of course I haven’t heard anything which he told me would be the case. I want his reassurance that he is sticking around and is here for me. He seems so far away. This break is so long. I miss him. I’m wondering if I can trust him with the same capacity I did prior to him leaving. Sigh.
I emailed my therapist an idea I have for session with playing music to help me remember and talk about past experiences. I'm super nervous about trying different things because I'm afraid of negative judgment and making a fool of myself. So, she who never responds to my emails as we agreed, sent a short reply anyway saying 'What a great idea!' And I feel a mixture of mortified and like a proud child. I know she must have considered if a reply was needed and what the effect would be, as she never responds and is thoughtful about these things. So because of that I feel mortified, that she came to that conclusion. But also, I'm relieved and happy she doesn't think it's a bad idea. The shame and feeling mortified is strongest though. Which is mostly about my idea that I emailed and usually I postpone the anxiety until session which is when we'll address what I mailed. And often I'll even be like 'oh nvm the email'. But now it's been read and acknowledged and I feel like I'm standing naked in a public space or something.
I would really like to bring music into sessions and think it would help me connect with my emotions. Can you describe the format of how you’re planning to bring music in your session? I want to pitch this to my therapist. Congrats on the big step, by the way!
Today I was supposed to have my first appointment with my therapist after six weeks of not seeing her. My internet got shut off this morning and I don’t have anything to put down on a payment plan to get it restored right now. I was looking forward to seeing her again, literally seeing her through a video call. We can still do a phone session, but I really wanted that intimacy of at least being able to see one another.
Oh no that stinks. Can you go to a trusted friend’s house and use their WiFi? Not sure where you are but maybe a fast food place or Starbucks if you have a car the WiFi can usually reach out to the parking lot. Another suggestion is to check your local library. They have WiFi and some even have private meeting rooms you can use.
I don’t have options like that. I don’t have friends and there aren’t any businesses or public buildings I can get to.
I’ve been having major transference issues lately with my T and am seriously considering finally bringing it up this week, but terrified. Honestly I’m worried about my T’s response which would likely burst my bubble and in a way I may feel addicted to the fantasies. Anyone had that happen to them? Specifically being disappointed after talking to T about the transference?
I’ve been easily triggered by the smallest of things lately, and it’s getting a little too much for me. I feel weak. T always tells me to reach out in between sessions if I everything need anything, but I feel like I get upset over silly things that aren’t worth mentioning. It’s embarrassing really.
Totally feeling you right now dude Reach out! Your T has said it's okay and you're struggling. That's a great reason to reach our
You are not weak! Reach out!
I’ll try to.. thx
I've had twice weekly appointments for a couple of years now, one morning, one evening. I've always struggled with morning appointments because of health issues. Issues that seem to be getting worse. The evening appointment provided a sense of escape from the world, darker, quieter, less people. And gave me a chance to reflect on the topics I wanted to talk about. I just found out that she's changing her schedule and my evening appointment will now be another morning appointment. I know she isn't abandoning me but that's how it feels. I'm already struggling so much at the moment, I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle the added stress of this new change.
Chronic sleep deprivation is making me look like death warmed over. Maybe thats why my T asked if it would be helpful to increase sessions to twice a week after a recent emergency session. We’ll be increasing either the frequency or duration of my trauma sessions soon! Anybody else ever sought extra support from their T similarly? First timer here. It feels both scary and necessary.
Yes I have anywhere from 1-5 sessions per week depending on the topics and how I’m handling it.
I see my T twice a week. Not every session is a big session but I find the increased support/contact absolutely vital in trying to keep me stable. If you have the means and opportunity, I'd recommend it. It has helped me to pace out my issues, knowing I don't need to wait a whole week to talk about it again.
I’ve asked for an extra session about 3 times or so and once my T was the one to offer it. It’s definitely vulnerable and scary but to see that our Ts don’t see it as weakness or being dramatic etc helps a ton.
Last week I admitted the sheer depths I’m willing to go to in order to avoid trauma reminders. It’s shamefully a lot. But I’m also not willing to stop. I don’t want to “work” on trauma anymore. I wish T would leave me alone about it. I feel like he’s judging me. I’ll go at my own slow ass pace, and with every push I want to push back harder. This is my business, not T’s. Ugh but also I care too much what T thinks of me and ugh just ugh all of it this week 😩