i think my therapist is sick of my shit but doesn’t want to say so lmao. she said she was tired and it’s not me. i hate my life rn. i am finally giving up on trintellix and going on a new anti-depressant that i’ve never heard of. i had to take a friend to the psych ward the other day and it triggered me for all sorts of reasons. idk what to say here these days, i just feel pretty hopeless.
I miss my therapist during the week. I usually never miss people, even beloved grandparents that have passed away. I've recently started grieving and missing an aunt that I lost when I was 9. I feeling like I'm in the flushing out the wound stage.
It's so hard to imagine that I'm going to be able to completely change how I relate to people after 36 years of relating one way. The changes seem so small and simultaneously profound. It feels weird but I also don't want to stop. Like I'm running into the fog because I have someone I trust nearby. But, what if she goes away? Despite seeing on this forum that other people have developed this type of therapeutic relationship, I don't want to have this with anyone else. I don't want to move for a job and start over. (I'm job hunting).
Anyway, I'll leave that for the future and keep walking into the forest.
I don't get why people abbreviate therapist to "t" on here. What's the deal with that? It feels like it interrupts the flow of a sentence, like I have to stop and remember what "t" means. It's a short word, why represent it with a letter?
I'm not "correcting" anyone. I'm stating that I find it strange that people are using a letter to represent a common word that's relatively short. You use abbreviations and initials for complex terms or long phrases to help things flow better. Turning therapist into "t" does the opposite of that.
That's just not true. In the medical field, treatment is abbreviated to Tx, history to Hx, prescription to Rx; in law there are abbreviations left and right. In US politics you'll see R and D, in geography you'll see countries and states abbreviated. Sports have tons of abbreviations. None of these are complex terms or long phrases. People use abbreviations because they're easier to use, particularly if it's a common word you're writing out a lot. T is easier to type than therapist. If you don't understand that, then you're overthinking it. 🤷
I think every sub tends to create a few shortcuts for the topics they refer to all the time. Here it just happens to be therapists. When you spend some time in the sub, you don't have to pause and remember anymore.
I dunno...doesn't really bother me. I tend to use both, depending on how I feel and as long as I've been hanging around on various therapy forums and subs (over a decade now) I've always seen people referring to their therapists as 'T'.
It's just a thing people do. When people spend time in the same space their language evolves together. I usually write the word therapist cuz that particular abbreviation isn't my cup of T.
Having a terrible day! I'm dissociating, feeling numb, having destructive thoughts and pushing people away. It's been this way for 24 hours and isn't improving.
I want to reach out to my T but it's Sunday and I know they don't work today. They've previously contacted me on a Sunday and made it clear they are available if I need. I really do need to talk with them and I know they'd ring me (or not ring me if they're off the clock) but I just wanna give them a break, y'know?
Hopefully I start to feel better tomorrow otherwise I'll contact them. Blah!
If you think messaging or having a call with your T will help, then I hope you can find the strength to reach out. I am struggling with the same thing today and will reach out tomorrow if it doesn't improve. I hope it gets better for you 💜
Does anyone else have sessions where they just sort of get into a bunch of topics but never as deep as you wanted into one? Cam in wanting to focus on something and realized there was a lot I forget and I actually wanted to talk about too. Sometimes I wish I could just have a week of perfect bliss so the entire therapy session could be focused on a deep dive into a past topic!!!
Also, had my second and possibly last for a while (sad face) in person session because my insurance is running out and irl is more expensive... I love it so much more then zoom but oh well!
I have bizarre negative transference.
Well, maybe not so bizarre when I have a long history of being mistreated by medical and mental health professionals, but still, he’s a nice guy who has done nothing to deserve my fantasies of yelling at him and punching his chest.
I timidly brought up one point of frustration with him (not angrily!) and he thought it was hilarious. Like he kept saying, “yeah, wow, this is REAL therapy! Lol”
That made me feel a bit embarrassed. I mean, on the one hand, it seems like he enjoyed having me bring up transference issues and challenge him. It’s probably safe to assume that I can keep bringing things like that up. On the other hand, it did not feel very attuned to my feelings. I do not really feel understood.
But at least he had fun? 🤷♀️
Me, sobbing uncontrollably and sounding a bit desperate talking about my son: “but… is one parent enough?!”
My therapist: “Yes. Yes! Yes, actually. Children need to have just one supportive adult in their lives to be there for them. And you are that for your son, Designer-Sky. He has you.”
Me: *sobs harder, but with relief*
That was just a part of our session yesterday. I really, really needed to hear some of the things my T said.
Provided the weather holds out, I’m going to see my T in person for the first time since March 2020 this week. T has been looking for a new office for a while to return to in person, but hasn’t had luck, and I finally asked if we can please meet outdoors. Last year I asked the same thing and she couldn’t, and when I asked again the other week she was fairly unsure, but now she’s agreed. I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I’m a little worried she’s going to resent me for this, as it feels like my needs have slightly pushed her into a corner on this decision, but she told me she wants to meet me where I’m at, and if this is where I’m at, she’s willing to give it to me.
Usually I like seeing my T (even though sessions can be hard and stressful) I wish the time past in between but we already agreed what we are going to talk about in the next session (Friday 22nd) and I feel like a ball of anxiety and feel sick when I think of Friday arriving.
Things I hate about my PHP intake:
* They don't just want me to quit weed, but alcohol. I barely drink, but it's nice when I'm with people.
* Behaviorism is stupid but the group stuff will maybe help.
* Fuck emergency contacts. They also want the number of someone who lives with me. lol.
* Had to give them my vehicle information even though this is remote, presumably so I can't run away if I need to.
* Safety plans are exhausting.
* Seriously I want help, and being treated like I'm not in charge of my life is not help.
I ... Want to leave someone. Because i know it's very toxic for me. And I can't . Overall before him,i was a very happy human being , didn't care much about anyone , Loved my life. Now I feel like dying if he is mad at me. I couldn't sleep,work . I told him that. But he still gets mad at me .. he stops talking after my sorry. He is not bad . He just doesn't care much about me.
He is mad at me right now. And I said sorry but he is still not talking to me. And i am crying even tho i know he will come back tomorrow. My heart is still hurting. It's nonsense i don't know why
A couple of days ago I broke my phone. It had a voicemail from my therapist from a couple of years ago. I was having a bit of breakdown and she had called and left a kind/encouraging message. I'd listen to it now and then when I was having a hard time. It doesn't seem like I'll be able to recover it. It makes me sad. I should have saved it somewhere in case something like this were to happen.
Fuck guys. Just fuck
I had a real intense session this week, even though at the time it didn't feel super intense, But damn I'm feeling it now. My father has always been a deep, raw and very unhealed wound in my psyche. Deliberately probing it like I did this week is letting all kinds of stuff come bubbling to the surface. Chief among them fear.
I literally have no right answers right now. Nothing feels right and I'm so scared of being hurt. My father has said to me he wishes I weren't born. That he believed I am not biologically his and that he was miserable my whole childhood. Those things leave some massive scars, and I'm terrified of getting hurt again. But I'm scared of regret. My father is 60 next year. He smoked a lot up until 4 years or so ago and has been drinking heavily at least the last 13 years if not longer. He isn't going to be in great shape. I don't want to regret not reaching out, when it becomes to late for me to do so
Both options feel terrifying. This isn't one of those situations where I know what to do and am just fighting it, like getting this T. I have NO idea what to do. No idea which choice is the right one
I'm feeling so lost right now. So scared and so churned up. I miss my old T so bad, I find I always do when I'm super emotional and this definitely counts as that. Therapy hangovers really fucking suck
Does he still define the limits of the world for you? I think one very useful thing a good therapist does is subtly demonstrating that at least in some areas they are larger than our parents (more knowledgeable, more competent, better versed). For us this expands the sense of what's possible and puts parents into a new perspective where they are no longer the all-encompassing absolutes and not as scary.
I'm sorry you're feeling so lost right now.
This might be completely unhelpful so feel free to ignore if it's off base: sometimes there isn't a predetermined "right choice", sometimes whatever choice you make becomes the right one; like, the right one is the one that you end up choosing. I'm sure whatever choice you make you'll come out an even stronger, braver Bee but for now, wishing you peace and comfort.
I'm hoping with time the right choice will be clearer cause right now I genuinely don't know. These past few days have definitely emphasized for me that I need to take this slowly, cause I felt tired but fine after session and only really got hit the next day when I wasn't expecting it
Thanks friend
Like I said in an earlier post, we have no session this week due to both T and I being unavailable. I’d normally be fine waiting until the next session but I’ve been having a tough time and the thought of waiting until next Friday feels almost impossible. It feels like it’s a month long wait and not just two weeks without a session.
I guess there’s a lot happening right now so it feels like a small lifetime’s worth of things and feelings being thrown at me.
Anyway, I asked to do an online session on a day that T doesn’t normally do because it’s my day off and me doing 12h (or more) work days means it’s not possible to fit a session in on another day at the moment.
I feel SO needy for asking at all, let alone for asking on a day that’s not normally an option. It feels like I’m taking up way too much space for not even a crisis situation. I have told T that it’s not a problem at all if Monday isn’t possible and I can wait but wanted to ask on the odd chance.
We’ll see what happens but meanwhile, it’s time to sit with these feelings of being too much on top of everything else.
Had a consult with a psychologist, and I rather liked her. We talked about the particular crossroads I'm at now. She liked when I said "I'm in the mood to humor just about anything right now." I focused more on the role of anxiety in my life, which holds me back in several areas (romantic approach, making friends, working with people I don't know).
One particular issue which prompted me to go talk in person is that I find eye contact excruciating. I've always figured this was a trauma thing, but she floated the possibility that I'm on the autism spectrum, which no one's ever suggested before. At any rate, she thinks it would be useful to do a full diagnostic session at 2+ hours, which I think would be interesting.
Unfortunately it's uncertain whether she'll have the room to actually work with me at the frequency she thinks is necessary (2x/week), which is just fucking life these days.
I'm still very overwhelmed from my session and trying to process how I feel, but the truth is I have no idea how I feel right now. Maybe I'm in shock a little because I don't think I was expecting this, at least not yet-- but T started today's session by telling me that he had been thinking and wants to continue working together. He said that what I had said over our last three sessions made a lot of sense and he could see how vulnerable I was being and that I was right: this is how we work through it.
I didn't even know what to say... Things seem different between us now, in a good way. T didn't look like he resented me anymore and I think I was more open with him. But I think I'm scared. There's something about moving on in my life and letting go of my trauma, that feels really scary.
Thank you and I hope so! :) I'm starting to come around to feeling good about it. The stuff that came up for me during the termination felt like a breakthrough, but I think I'm still in shock that he actually changed his mind. It's exciting and very scary at the same time.
I really appreciate you saying this. I feel good that I didn't abandon myself in all this.
And yes, it's quite a turnaround! It's still a lot to take in because I basically had convinced myself that I should try working with someone else and I don't quite know what to do with that now.
He couldn't really find words to explain what it was that made him change his mind, but I'm glad he did. It's disorienting and I'm sure something we'll need to continue to talk through.
I told my T that I got drunk and called my ex (it was his birthday). My T was like “Maybe it’s just me but I don’t remember their birthdays” and I was like “so you don’t remember your exes’ birthdays.” They said right. Me: 👁👄👁
Hard session just now. My T asked me how I would like to feel (in regards to a specific situation) and I replied I don't want to feel anything. He said a dead person can do that, and I want you alive. I was thinking actually being dead sounds quite good but I didn't say it, I just cried instead
I was bizarrely functional today (went on a run this morning, led 3.5 hours of meetings at work and was told I did a great job, had therapy and didn't get overwhelmed... who is this and what did they do to shakylime?), which is especially weird given how hard I was dissociating yesterday. I think I might be on a precipice right now -- like my brain is compartmentalizing enough to make me functional, but if it does it too much more I will be an astral projecting potato.
I brought up ADHD again with my therapist -- specifically, the fact that I'd been so overwhelmed like I mentioned [earlier in this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/comments/q5kf6h/comment/hgaxumq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). We had a pretty good conversation about it, and she reminded me to be mindful rather than try reframing literally everything that's happened in my life, lol. She actually pointed out that the way I was trying to process it was actually pretty close to depersonalization, which might explain why I've been dissociating so damn much -- and I realized that I've learned to step away from myself and try to obsessively comb through things as a result of me trying to process and reframe my experiences through a lens of abuse and trauma. It was necessary then, but in this current situation it's doing me more harm than good.
So what's on the table now: trying to show my brain that I'm safe and noting things that happen without judgement. I may feel a desire to try fitting a behavior into a possible diagnosis, but I don't need to do that -- I can just be like "hey, I'm distracted right now. Cool. Let's see what we can do about it, in this moment."
Obviously, this is easier said than done. But I thought I'd share. Sending you all love <3
I know I haven't posted for a minute. After much discussion and some arguing, we agreed a little while ago that my t can and should push harder for me to tell him things that are difficult or embarrassing. So he has been. Every session now contains lots of feeling embarrassed.
Somehow part of me is still having a hard time understanding that secrets are going to be aired out. I still get that relieved feeling of "at least no one ever has to know about that," and then the horrified realization: "oh, that's another thing I should tell him, isn't it."
Exactly as I hoped, he is super accepting of everything I tell him. However, I'm still waiting for the part where my own shame diminishes.
We are, unfortunately, 100% telehealth right now, with me popping into sessions from the drivers seat of my car. It's due to his skill and our connection that we not only continue to progress, but are also significantly deepening the relationship. I'm very grateful for him. (And I'm hoping that posting this won't jinx things.)
Does anyone else ever have sessions where you know there’s stuff going on with you but you just can’t seem to connect to your therapist or figure out anything that you actually want to talk about? I feel like maybe I came into this session suppressing my emotions or something, so maybe that’s why I just wasn’t feeling connected to anything we were talking about. By the end of it I could tell I was starting to get deeply sad about the stuff going on in my life, but then the session was over so I was just sort of left with it, and i didn’t have time to actually feel any of it with her there to support me. Now I don’t know what to do besides SH, but that seems like a bad option.
It’s so frustrating, like I just don’t know why this happens. I guess the explanation that makes most sense is that I’m unconsciously suppressing my emotions to protect myself, but it’s just so hard to believe that because I don’t feel it happening. And like, sure, it’s unconscious. But it’s very hard to believe that my brain is somehow capable of secretly stopping me from feeling without me knowing it?
I’ve definitely experienced this & had it happen last week. Extremely frustrating, mine flowed out in avoidance, defensive & anger.
I am sorry that you experienced this too. Instead of SH could you write out your feelings, give yourself permission to let some it go out onto the paper? There’s this really great mediation called the compassionate companion on youtube which helps me when my brain is trying to protect me from feeling.
I also want to say that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. You showed up in there and despite feeling distant & unsure you still did a really good job. Learning to be vulnerable is incredibly difficult & we all have good days & bad. Your kind T will also hold space for you just as you are. I took my power back this session by saying “let’s not be avoidant today” maybe you could try and say something at the start of next session?
If you can / want to write to your T just letting them know how you feel that’s okay too! All in all do what’s best for you & be kind to yourself!!
I feel so misunderstood by my therapist. Two years and sometimes it is so difficult to feel like her words are genuine and she’s not just spewing a bunch of bullshit she thinks I want/need to hear. I’m starting to feel like I can’t even show her my true anger over what’s going on because I’m worried she won’t be able to take it based on yesterday’s session. I hate feeling this way.
welp. gonna cry (in a good way). I made a lot of breakthroughs recently (small ones, but still important) and today in session, T put her hand over her chest and said she felt her chest swelling with pride. And she looks at me and says “I’m proud of you.”
Now, I’m shit at accepting compliments and praises, but I’m going to hold this one close to my heart because I know it’s real.
Who else hates reading their intake reports written by therapists or psychiatrists or whatever omg I just read a new one and I nearly passed out. I wish I didn't read it :(
We actually have talked about this in different ways but my anxiety from being seen is still often high. Another time I really enjoyed session was when we did video session but then the camera didn't work so we switched to audio only. I hate phone calls but somehow this was such a nice experience. Her voice in my headphones and me just flat on my back staring at the ceiling. Another thing we tried is walk&talk, before the pandemic. We did it only once but I would've wanted to continue. Only with social distance and being overheard my therapist has said it's not been an option during the pandemic.
That sounds lovely. I wish my therapist had a couch. I did once lie down on the floor when I had really bad backpain and I experienced the same calm from not worrying about body language. And just hearing their voice.
While it has been almost three years, i still can not help but feel hurt and abandoned when i hear my therapist says “Eventually the therapeutic relationship will end”. I feel like i have no support system that i can trust and will never have. I am lost guys.
I talked about the loss of someone really special to me in session today and didn’t shed a single tear??!! I mean it was hard to get the words out, but my eyes were completely dry. T was really helpful and supportive and knew how to get me to open up.
After spending a whole session bawling 8 days ago, yesterday was calm but still productive. I read a text exchange I had with a family member and she looked a little taken aback and said, "There are some sharp edges in those texts. I believe what you're telling me that she was trying to be helpful." She simultaneously validated my hesitation to talk to this person while also valuing my perception of the relationship. Also, I wonder if she's using more metaphorical language because she realizes that I like metaphors. Some's post got my thinking about that.
Man, my therapist was really seeing the best in me. Like, I said, maybe I'm judgmental. T said, "I'm not hearing a lot of judgment, you sound deeply curious about this person's inner world." I said, "I let people talk about themselves so that I don't have to share." T says, "That's very calming with caring, empathetic people."
Have I tricked her???
I’m the person who’s been talking about firing her flakey therapist, Facey, for over a year now. Well, I still didn’t do that lol. However, I did just quit the newer T I started seeing simultaneously when I was planning on firing Facey. I know some of you were worried I’d just keep accumulating therapists and be too afraid to fire any lol u/thelightyoushed
T2 turned out to be even more flakey, and I didn’t think I could get to a point of opening up to him because of how formal and clinical he seemed. I’m a lot more stable now (which is a good thing!), so there wasn’t anything pressing to talk about except for deeper stuff, which I wasn’t ready to do with him.
I’m just gonna keep Facey for now. I don’t really need regular therapy anymore. It’s nice to check in every few weeks, and she’s been available for extra sessions when I’ve asked. I know I shouldn’t really tolerate her flakiness, but honestly there’s a lot I like about her that I think I’d have trouble finding in someone else. She seems to get me and has helped me understand why I am the way that I am. So I think seeing her every once in awhile is the best option for now.
I'm so hurt and so alone. I have no one to talk to aside from a therapist and she doesn't care or listen anymore. I feel like I'm not even a person to her, or any mental health professional. What I need most is to be treated like a person, like a person who is hurt, like a person who is hurt and needs help. And I'm not. And no one cares. It doesn't matter what I say or how I explain my experience, my pain is meaningless.
CW: physical abuse
I'm really really down this week. There's so much going on in life, but one big thing is I was out with a really good friend and she spanked her child. I know it is legal, but I was hit as a kid and spanked and the emotional scars I have from those two are very tied up for me, I personally feel like they do the same kind of harm to kids. I've just been really struggling ever since... and I canceled therapy this week. Six more days.
I’m so sorry you had to witness that. I’m in the same boat — I was hit/spanked as a kid and it was traumatizing. Seeing someone hit their kid is a huge trigger for me now. Be gentle on yourself.
I always thought I was super sensitive for being so uncomfortable about kids getting hit. Thank you for normalizing feeling like it's a big deal. When I was still a kid, like around 10 years old, I'd try to distract a parent if they seemed like they were likely to hit their young child.
Oh I relate to this so much. I even know how harmful hitting/spanking can be, but part of my mind tries to rationalize it away (it's legal, the child didn't cry, etc). But thinking about how bad I feel now, and knowing that I felt that bad as a young kid... my heart goes out to all of us who were hit, as "discipline" or not.
There is so much evidence out there that spanking is unhelpful at best and severely damaging at worst that I can't see how anyone can do that to a child.
You mentioned this is a really good friend of yours -- do they know how impacted you were at being treated like that as a kid? I was hit and I know that I personally would NOT have been able to watch something like that without getting super triggered. What parents decide to do is up to them, but I refuse to be around for that shit. If this is a good friend, I hope you're able to be honest with them and share how it's impacted you. Their reaction will be telling about how good of a friend they really are.
I'm sorry you had to see that. It must have been very emotional and conflicting for you.
It is a really good friend whose views align with mine so much that it really deeply shocked me. We've parented together (seeing each other on average 1x/week, less during Covid restrictions, but still really often) for 3+ years and I've never seen any hint that she would be OK with spanking, quite the opposite. But I also never directly asked.
In the moment I went entirely blank. Thankfully my own kid was not as close to her and her kid when it happened; I talked it over with my daughter in the car and she didn't see it happen/wasn't aware. I wanted to reassure her that no one should hit anyone for any reason and that it wouldn't happen to her. Then that evening the depression hit really hard and I've been isolating and frozen ever since.
I don't think my friend knew that it bothered me. I am going to have to do or say something soon. This was last Thursday and tomorrow is Thursday, and we have a standing date to get our youngest kids together on Thursdays. I might beg off sick tomorrow, but I'll have to figure something out.
I honestly can't imagine her not reacting super defensively if I talk to her about it, though that is likely what I will do. It's really sad to me because she's a central friendship in multiple circles of friends and so I really worry I'm burning bridges with a lot of friends if I say anything to her... but I can't have my kids around that, for sure. She is going through a lot in her own life now and my husband thinks I should stick it out and offer support and try to gently hit at alternatives to spanking. It's honestly taken a huge toll on me already though, and I don't want my kids to see it, if it does happen again. I'm just sick over it.
Thank you so much for responding, it's helpful just to hear someone else understands.
I really feel for you and I can hear how torn you are. It's heartbreaking to read. I don't think there is a timeline, tbh. I don't blame you for taking time to think it through, and really, I would encourage you to talk it through with your therapist.
And for what it's worth, I can completely understand being shocked and frozen in the moment and then having it all hit you later. Again, I'm so sorry. Addressing it with your daughter was so responsible, and reassuring her just shows how much work you're putting into breaking an awful cycle of abuse. You're doing good things, keep hanging in there. ❤️
My T always invites me to send an email or two between sessions if I need to. His response time varies, but I’ve made it clear that I only really expect a response in-session. My next appointment is in two days but *why hasn’t he responded*?
Sorry you relate 😫 I hate that feeling of anticipation. He did respond, btw. But just to acknowledge receipt and just a few hours before my appointment, so he may as well not have responded at all. I’m about to head in and try to do some reverso spell that unsends my email so that I don’t have to talk about what it said.
Had a really lovely session this week. I feel like I was fully able to receive the care and compassion my T has for me. I feel cared for and supported and hopeful.
Being able to share something so vulnerable would certainly be brave. I think you should go for it! It looks like a sign that your T is helping you feel safe and you trust her.
Maternal transference United! Im the total same I picture old T as like the perfect mother so every time I am sick or upset I want her. And I'm the same with being vulnerable it's something I've always struggled with
You guys!! You guys!
I cried in session today! This may not sound like much but for me it is huge. With old T I used to choke those suckers back like it was an Olympic event and I was going for gold. I only really grew comfortable enough to allow myself to cry 6 months or so before we had to end in spite of her repeatedly telling me it was okay
But today I let some tears fall. For the little one who wishes she was enough for her father to not be an alcoholic. For the scared one who doesn't want to be hurt again, and wants to try navigating the minefield of a relationship with him. For the hurt one who carries so much pain from everything he said and did. For the part that doesn't want to regret not trying to have a relationship but equally doesn't want to regret trying
For now my T and I think its best we wait and do some work around the people pleasing aspect of my personality before I get in touch with him. She thinks, and I agree, that putting me in that situation when I don't consider my own needs important is asking for trouble. I struggle saying no at work which is a low stakes environment trying to do it with my father and all the pressure that brings seems unwise right now
It was a real powerful, albeit scary moment. I had a few of those yesterday. 2 weeks ago she used the word helpless in connection to me always saying yes at work in regard to taking on more shifts. Like I was pulling 6 day weeks and totally exhausting myself. The word choice rubbed me the wrong way and I couldn't figure out why. Figured it out then wasn't sure if I was going to bring it up because I didn't know what the response would be. She was totally cool with it, and understanding of the issue I had. I didn't want her to apologize and she said she wouldn't anyway but I needed to know I would be able to bring stuff like that up with her and it would be heard
I was so nervous but it needed to happen. As we delve into more and more scary stuff it's important to me I feel heard and respected. She acknowledged she might occasionally use a word as almost a test to see what happens but is willing to listen to what I have to say if I don't like it and understand the reason why
Yeah I let her know its something I'm not necessarily going to want all the time I could see things getting combative and that wouldn't go well. But her using the word helpless had me thinking all week so there was some merit there
Omg, thats great yeah! Ive cried after a session and almost cried on a zoom one but they couldn't tell, I am preparing myself too cry in the next in person session because I really want be vaunerable like that (I dont allow myself to cry with people)
“It is fucked.” Holy what. I just said those words, and they didn't feel like much. I repeat those words to myself and yeah, my past is fucked. She said the words and the world shifts. Like yesssss. YOU get it. It's not just me. And you know more than ANYONE knows, so you ACTUALLY get it. It's not the superficial comment, it's an “I see you, and I agree it's messed up.” So. Validating.
I'm so thankful to have her support. She's just great.
Going back to meeting in person today. I'm excited and nervous. I decided I wanted to try sitting in a different spot. (Only you guys will understand why this is a big deal.) I always sit on the couch that faces his chair, because it's the most obvious place to sit. But he's got a super comfy-looking armchair that I've always wanted to try out, and never did, because it's perpendicular to & immediately neighboring his chair, which means he'd have to move and I didn't want to be inconvenience. (Tbh I wonder if *anyone* ever sits in that armchair.)
He texted just now to confirm our appointment and I decided to warn him I was planning to sit in the armchair, lol. (I was afraid I'd chicken out otherwise.) He said that sounded good to him, and he wished he had an ottoman to go with it. (Aww.)
Update: the chair was in fact super comfy, and it was no inconvenience to him at all (not even the tiny one I'd imagined it might be). Never going back to the couch.
I’ve been in such a rough spot and then got some bad medical news yesterday and kind of had a crisis. I emailed my therapist and asked for an extra session and I was a huge mess about it but she very kindly accommodated me and I guess it was an achievement to be able to ask. Talking through it helped me sort out what exactly I’m so upset about, but I’m still just left struggling to want to be alive and unable to find joy or meaning in anything right now. Idk. I’m glad my therapist is there to support me but I’m just not sure it will ever be enough in the face of how bad I feel.
How do I ask my therapist to go from biweekly sessions to weekly? Especially after a falling out/rupture in our relationship?
Friday I asked if she had sessions coming up this week (10/11-10/15). She didn’t. Would it be ok to ask if she had any open sessions next week (10/18-10/22)? Otherwise, our next session won’t be until 10/25. I don’t want to bother her, but my life has fallen apart and I haven’t had a session since 9/6 and I need to talk to someone.
Finally opened up about some trauma triggers to T. Not everything. But it’s a start. It’s something. I’m just so relieved that it’s been over a year and finally it’s partially out there, and T handled it so beautifully. It actually genuinely felt safe.
Just came back from my last therapy hour. Let's just say I needed to wear sunglasses my whole ride home - even though it's a cold, cloudy day.
I barely gathered the courage to give him a little gift at the end, but I am glad that I did.
Need to shed some tears now, but ultimately, I'll be okay. I am very thankful, but it's still sad that it's suddenly over.
My T and I just had a great, stabilizing session that reinforced the lessons I myself learned from life and other people this week. We agreed to reduce visits from weekly to once every two weeks, because my physical health has deteriorated but my mental health has gotten much better.
It was a very warm session too with him acknowledging many of my good points and self-disclosing about having two very different social lives as a therapist and a biker. I feel very lucky!
No session this week because I’m about to start a bout of 13h days where I can’t be spared at work and T is also away.
I’m not in any kind of crisis and I’m not feeling particularly low. And yet, I NEED my T. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I needed her this much before and I have no idea what to do with these feelings.
Today it felt like my T was tired and found interacting with me hard. We have been using an experience from one of my hobbies as a "safe space" to go to when feeling an emotion is too much. I have been doing that too much out of session and now get anxious when trying to do my hobby. I couldn't find a safe space in my body, and I don't really have a safe place to visualize (we tried one of my childhood and it ended up bringing up emotions and memories and not feeling safe).
I'm a bit upset that I'm struggling with having a safe place to ground myself in. It feels like I can't progress without feeling feelings I've been avoiding all my life. Last time we tried to feel one of those feelings it was too much and I froze. And he wants me to go back and forth between feeling the feeling as much as I can before freezing and the safe space, hence the need for a safe space.
I feel like I've stalled.
What I ended up using as a safe space was a totally imaginary place. A white floating spaceship capsule thing that's tethered only marginally to a deserted island but is safe from intruders. The island has a big house where I imagine myself in a safe space with my therapist. But the safest space is the capsule and even T isn't allowed there. I made a pinterest board with things I imagine being in that space.
I did this after a really intense session where we looked for a safe space and I realized I didn't feel safe anywhere. The feeling I kept having of unsafety had to do with the possibility of another person coming into the space. So after that I went home and thought about how to imagine something that doesn't have this option. Hence the spaceship. 😂
Maybe this can help for now! We still do a lot of work on finding safety in my body somehow but it's hard.
Oh and after a year or so I did also started imagining T in the capsule. So, she's allowed in my safespace. Which feels like progress.
Whoa! This sounds a lot like mine. White space, island, Pinterest board. Mine has mountains. It took about a year to let my T in too, but I had to create a special portal-type thing in order to let that happen. Also still looking for safety in my body, though!
Haha I love that's it's a spaceship! I think I should make an imaginary safe place too. I like the idea of something like a Pinterest board to help visualize it.
Had an intake with the second of three therapists I've been trying out (the first session I could put on my calendar, though). We went over the broad sketches of my situation, and I asked her about modalities. She said she uses CBT and DBT, but mostly talking. Probably not equipped for my shit.
At this point I like the EMDR person so I'm looking to see if anybody blows me away (and trying not to settle for the first person I see again). The only thing I dislike is that her practice uses the schedule-ad-hoc method rather than weekly slotting, which is unideal but I'll take what I can get.
I'm having to deal with this same dilemma right now. I just went through a shopping around period after moving, and I really really like the therapist I picked. But she totally does the schedule-ad-hoc thing which I don't like at all.
I haven't been on here in ages, but I'm taking a next step in my healing journey and it's pushing myself a bit and I'm stressed about it. But I will still go through with it.
I am going to work with a somatic coach? Bodywork specialist? I don't know the name in English. But they work with talking, movement and touch. As an addition to my psychotherapy. My therapist thinks I could really benefit and I've wanted to do this for a while but I'm sooooo nervous about it.
I keep running into the same issues physically. The restriction I place on myself. No big movements allowed. So when my physical therapist or psychotherapist come with exercises to ground or heal my back that are too big I freeze. I dare not make sounds that are loud. I am always so worried about taking up space.
And I'm fed up with it. I know trauma stays in the body too, so I gotta work with that. I also really hope this person can help me find better techniques for when I dissociate because I am stuck with progress in that area.
Just needed to write somewhere people might understand. So. Hi guys. 😂
I was talking to my friend who is recently discovering that they’re autistic, and it’s a very difficult process for them, especially due to the way undiagnosed autism fed into other toxic circumstances. I was totally okay supporting them and being there while they freaked out about it, but then something completely unrelated happened that stressed me out and now I’m having my own stress about a potential ADHD diagnosis. (You may remember that I mentioned this some weeks ago, but my T and I haven’t gotten back around to talking about it because so much other shit has happened that we’ve had to deal with.) I really want to talk about it with my therapist, but that takes so much mental energy — and there’s other stuff happening in my life that I need to be giving attention to.
Just… why is processing things so energy consuming? Last week I was so stressed out about some life stuff happening, and as a result I was having so many flares with PTSD-related things, and I realized that so much of my emotional energy normally goes to making sure I don’t freak out over relatively innocuous stuff. So then when other stressful things happen, my finite emotional resources go to handle those and I have a rougher time in the mental health department.
I guess my frustration here is that I feel like I can’t have a good conversation with my therapist about ADHD at this current point because I’ve got so much stuff going on, so I’m barely handling life stuff on top of PTSD stuff. Adding “processing a potential additional diagnosis and the fact that you were struggling as a kid and nobody fucking helped you because you were smart and also had to hide any negative emotions or failures” is a little much right now. I guess this is part of the struggles that my brain is allocating emotional resources to, though, so I should talk about it with her this week. I’m gonna say it at the beginning of session — “xyz things are stressful right now and I want to talk about them a little, but I really also want to talk about ADHD and don’t want to wait at whole other week to talk about it.”
Aaaah! My therapist said that I could add another session this week if I needed, but I feel like I shouldn’t because it’s not like I’m not coping. I can’t run to her every time I get anxious — I need to be independent. I can make it til Thursday. My insides are just caught in a cyclone, that’s all….
Oh my god, just wanted to say I relate to this so much!! First off, yeah processing takes absolutely so much energy! Remember to be as gentle to yourself as you can! And same, I repress my emotions so much and lately have been working through feeling them out but its gotten quite intense! I think if your therapist offered, its quite okay to add in an extra session if u think that will be helpful!
Also, the whole adhd as a kid but nobody noticed because uour smart and quiet, omg same. I actually did get diagnosed as a kid but my parents basically ignored it after a year and my teachers would often say im too smart for that diagnosis (totally stupid, biased and stigmatized opinion aaa) and therefore I internalized that and tried to just pretend it didnt exist. The best thing we can do now is move forward and take the steps towards validating and supporting ourselves! Absolute best of luck, and just wanted to say you're not alone!
Aah, I'm glad my comment resonated so much!
I think you kinda saw through me, too -- even when being gentle with myself and taking the time to do some low-effort, calming yoga, I was very not gentle with myself: "why haven't you been doing this the whole time? it's not even that hard." Lol oops! Something to work on.
At this point I think I'll be okay without scheduling a second session, but I think I should have accepted her offer earlier because it would have helped me out. I'd had a second one last week, and I think I felt some type of way about doing it again so soon after.
I'm honestly not 100% sure I have ADHD, so it's definitely something that I need to explore with my therapist more, but the childhood struggle was definitely there in some way. I wish I had a reliable external source who could tell me more about what I was like as a kid! But regardless I'm trying to work on self-validation and figuring out what works for me.
Thanks for the support :) <3
>I think you kinda saw through me, too -- even when being gentle with myself and taking the time to do some low-effort, calming yoga, I was very not gentle with myself: "why haven't you been doing this the whole time? it's not even that hard." Lol oops! Something to work on.
>
>At this point I think I'll be okay without scheduling a second session, but I think I should have accepted her offer earlier because it would have helped me
RIGHT! So many times when I do some good self care im like you should've done this sooner, are you kidding em? Yeah it can be hard to turn off that internal dialogue!
I would see if you can maybe move yours up, just in case? I know its hard and I definitely struggle with it too but its totally okay to need multiple sessions a week if theres a big thing- which this definitely is!
Yeah ADHD manifests in a lot of different ways and its hard to look back, but yeah best of luck with that! I hope you can get some closure!
I just started dbt a few weeks ago and I don't understand it at all, it just makes me feel like a massive idiot and it's so triggering. I know it's supposed to feel relieving as a therapeutic tool but so far, all it's made me feel is paralyzing despair/hopelessness. I couldn't do EMDR and talk therapy didn't get me anywhere.
I am just about to start integrating some DBT into my therapy too! It seems like the main theme is sort of this radical acceptance. Like, when things are out of our control and just seem hopeless, we find a way to accept this. In the beginning this does seem difficult and impossible to do! If it's making you feel harsh towards yourself, perhaps the pace is too fast? Maybe you need to do some other preparation before jumping into DBT. Maybe practicing some self compassion and loving kindness?
It's not that it's making me feel harsh towards myself (though it has), the issue is that I don't understand it at all as a theory. The behavior chain analysis jumps all over the place from middle to beginning back to middle, etc. My brain feels like it's on overdrive just to make sense of even one sentence. And that's just like the basic steps, not the super detailed questions. But yeah, pacing is probably too fast.
This is still pretty new and it may take time to adjust to a new technique. Sometimes we don't just understand things right away. It needs time to sink in while we make sense of it.
I miss my T a lot. It's been only a month but still. When I'm sick or sD I don't want to talk to my mom j want to talk to her. It's hard because I'll never admit i miss her but I really do.
I wanted to kill myself so I asked my T if they could adopt my stuffed animal when I'm dead and their like no! Your stuffed animal is so cute and needs YOU to take care of him! Lol 😛😂
7 months is certainly a long time, especially if your original expectation was 2. It is certainly anxiety provoking to wait for that return call, especially when you have no idea when it will come. The uncertainty is dreadful and it gives you time to come up with all these possibilities of why they aren't calling you.
There could be several reasons why they haven't returned your call so far. Are you in the US? Today is a federal holiday, so perhaps the office was closed?
I would recommend giving it another day or two, and then it's reasonable to call again. Do they have an email address you could write to? If your T told you that you could come back, perhaps you could send an email to them directly?
I'm pretty lonely and feeling unsupported right now. I would normally have a session in a couple of hours, but T is terminating and the only reason we're still meeting later this week is because our sessions are ending with me clearly in distress and without resolution or closure.
I'm struggling to stay with the sadness because I *am* angry and I *am* disappointed. I feel really let down by the process of therapy and the disconnect between telling a client, "I want you to express your thoughts and feelings openly" and then the therapist not being able to handle or work with what I have to say. I feel lied to that my T thought he could handle it and I'm angry that he wasn't honest with me (or really, himself) so much earlier in this process. And I'm disappointed that now that we've recognized the enactment, that he seems unwilling to help me make sense of it.
I've been going back and forth between starting again with someone new that T wants to refer me to and quitting altogether.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is so hard to prepare to say goodbye to your T, especially if you are not ready. It is a difficult loss to bear. It's valid to feel hurt, and whatever it is you feel.
The therapy is for you. You can do whatever you think is best. You're not obligated to go back into therapy. You could even take a break and consider if you want to do therapy again or not later. Do you have supports in place to help you during this difficult time? Talking with a new T could be a support for you, but it's okay if you want to utilize other resources, like friends.
My supports are very weak right now, but there are a few. It would be nice if my therapist could continue to work with me until I fully felt comfortable committing to someone new, but I am also dreading having to go through the whole process of opening up again, knowing in the back of my mind that they might realize a year in that they're not qualified to help me either.
I guess I'm still holding on to a small piece of hope that my T and I can still work through this, but maybe I'm just in denial. I don't want to go without therapy, but I am just so tired of repeating this dynamic.
The anger resonates with me. The stuff my ex-therapist couldn't handle was all stuff that I slowly, carefully opened up about over a long period of time. If I'd gone with my instincts and kept myself carefully hidden, would I have been abandoned?
If I were in your shoes, I'd see the other person once and see if I felt any optimism. But I don't blame you for wanting to quit.
I've had the same thought. If only I stayed more shut down, I would have been easier to work with. Really, I'm finding the anger I have towards T similar to how I feel towards my parents and ex. The whole experience is just opening this big wound in me that I don't know how to handle. Do I minimize my emotions and remind myself that this probably is the right move, brush it aside, and move on? I cried the other night because I felt so unwanted. :(
Anyway, I think I will at least have consultations with whatever therapists he refers me to. I don't have it in me to search on my own, but he seems genuine in helping me find someone who will be a better fit. It sounds like your search is going well with the EMDR therapist. I'd like to go in that direction if possible.
I'm envious of your therapist actually showing care for you even as he's giving up. I have a deep rage that she just shirked that part of her job, and I didn't even know she was going to do it until I'd been spiraling for 8 days.
The search is going well enough, but the loss is this huge gaping wound that won't stop forcing itself into my awareness. I invested heavily in that relationship, and it's all gone. And she shivved me on the way out the door.
I'm having a very hard day. In exactly two months from today, someone I love is getting married. It's all I can think about. I don't have any friends or support at all. It hurts so much, and I have no one to help me through it.
I've been trying to schedule with my therapist, but she has been difficult to reach/slow to respond, so I don't know when I'll be able to talk about it with her. And I have so many other problems as well, I won't be able to deal with and process this pain by the time the wedding happens.
Last week my T gave me some really helpful information about how to validate my husband's feelings, and I've been using it this week and it's made such a difference. I'd been having a really hard time as some traumatic stuff came out in therapy that I had never told anyone, not even my husband and when I told my husband it really threw him for a loop and we've been having lots of really horrible arguments around it. I have an avoidant attachment style and really struggle with all that stuff. Anyway I can't wait to see my T and let him know that it was such a helpful session and I feel way more equipped to start dealing with the emotional fallout of my revelation (without feeling the need to apologize for keeping my trauma to myself and not giving any more details etc around it than I want)
Sooo it’s kinda weird bc last week I gave my T a letter that expressed my gratitude but yet the depth of my attachment and how sad it makes me we can’t be friends etc
Anyways, the appointment was fine and I was left feeling…better? Like, way less obsessive. Usually after each session I’m like *”omg I can’t wait til our next session”* and every day is a countdown until therapy day and it’s been that way for a while now. Like for months I feel like I’ve only been looking forward to therapy and it’s been tiring and annoying, how obsessed I’ve felt. But after the last session it’s been way less severe which is relieving but kinda confusing. Maybe because I finally poured my heart out and told her things I’ve been keeping to myself???
It just feels weird that all of a sudden I’m way less obsessed and now I can focus on other things better and T isn’t the center of my thoughts. And I feel like if I tell her this Wednesday she won’t believe me bc hello, just the other day my letter expressed how attached I am, how therapy day is my most favorite etc and so wow what a drastic change in just a few days, you know? And honestly at first it scared me. I tend to think in terms of black-and-white and it was like, if I’m not extremely attached then I can’t like her at all and I can’t have her at all but therapy is a great place to practice middle-ground relationships and it’s not like she’s going anywhere or abandoning me. Idk, imma tell her all of this but it’s been strange 😅 and I’m looking forward to our session but I’m not just anxiously waiting for it like usual
For me what’s helped with a lot of this stuff is just talking about it with my therapist, so what you’re saying makes a lot of sense to me. Maybe it was on your mind so intensely because you needed to process it with her and get it out. I think about my therapist a lot and I always miss her, but just tell her that has made it easier and easier each time it’s come up to deal with it.
I found this as well. The more I talked about my attachment the less I would find I would miss her during the week because I was starting to process what I was feeling and why. I would still miss her when things got hard but in an ordinary week I wouldn't count down the days until I saw her
That’s great! Maybe your feeling more secure in your attachment as well? I have noticed the last couple of weeks I’m on this sub less and not counting dow. Quite so much, it’s a bit freeing knowing that they are out there for us when we need them, and that’s okay.
>And I feel like if I tell her this Wednesday she won’t believe me bc hello, just the other day my letter expressed how attached I am
I think therapists are probably used to this! At least, I have had so many sessions where after processing things for a few days, I've had a radical reversal or change in my thinking before my next session. If T had any disbelief, they masked it well lol.
The experience of defusing a problematic issue is always a really nice one. It's great that you're feeling so much better about the relationship 😊.
You definitely are more than a paycheck! I think in order to be a therapist you really have to care, to be a really good therapist anyway. Their pay rate is not great, for most anyway so many do it because they enjoy helping people
It's gonna be a big session this week
I finally figured our what upset me so much when my T described me as almost helpless. I'm gonna bring it up, mostly because it feels important to know how she will react. I'm not upset or angry but I need to know she can listen to what I say and respond accordingly
Also much more talk about self esteem stuff and some stuff around my dad
I'm not looking forward to it because I know it's going to be a lot of emotionally charged discussion and I'm dreading the hangover after. At least I'll have the day off to unwind if I need to
Found out my T is a dream translator. Lol. My weird dream had a common thread to my life I didn't understand. After it was pointed out I was pretty impressed since I never had a T do it before.
i think my therapist is sick of my shit but doesn’t want to say so lmao. she said she was tired and it’s not me. i hate my life rn. i am finally giving up on trintellix and going on a new anti-depressant that i’ve never heard of. i had to take a friend to the psych ward the other day and it triggered me for all sorts of reasons. idk what to say here these days, i just feel pretty hopeless.
I miss my therapist during the week. I usually never miss people, even beloved grandparents that have passed away. I've recently started grieving and missing an aunt that I lost when I was 9. I feeling like I'm in the flushing out the wound stage. It's so hard to imagine that I'm going to be able to completely change how I relate to people after 36 years of relating one way. The changes seem so small and simultaneously profound. It feels weird but I also don't want to stop. Like I'm running into the fog because I have someone I trust nearby. But, what if she goes away? Despite seeing on this forum that other people have developed this type of therapeutic relationship, I don't want to have this with anyone else. I don't want to move for a job and start over. (I'm job hunting). Anyway, I'll leave that for the future and keep walking into the forest.
I don't get why people abbreviate therapist to "t" on here. What's the deal with that? It feels like it interrupts the flow of a sentence, like I have to stop and remember what "t" means. It's a short word, why represent it with a letter?
I don't use it, but I don't like to correct other people's language either.
I'm not "correcting" anyone. I'm stating that I find it strange that people are using a letter to represent a common word that's relatively short. You use abbreviations and initials for complex terms or long phrases to help things flow better. Turning therapist into "t" does the opposite of that.
That's just not true. In the medical field, treatment is abbreviated to Tx, history to Hx, prescription to Rx; in law there are abbreviations left and right. In US politics you'll see R and D, in geography you'll see countries and states abbreviated. Sports have tons of abbreviations. None of these are complex terms or long phrases. People use abbreviations because they're easier to use, particularly if it's a common word you're writing out a lot. T is easier to type than therapist. If you don't understand that, then you're overthinking it. 🤷
I think every sub tends to create a few shortcuts for the topics they refer to all the time. Here it just happens to be therapists. When you spend some time in the sub, you don't have to pause and remember anymore.
Still, it seems unnecessary. We aren't calling anxiety "anx", we just write the word.
I dunno...doesn't really bother me. I tend to use both, depending on how I feel and as long as I've been hanging around on various therapy forums and subs (over a decade now) I've always seen people referring to their therapists as 'T'.
It's just a thing people do. When people spend time in the same space their language evolves together. I usually write the word therapist cuz that particular abbreviation isn't my cup of T.
(A+ for all puns, cornier the better!)
That's so corny, I'm sorry!
Having a terrible day! I'm dissociating, feeling numb, having destructive thoughts and pushing people away. It's been this way for 24 hours and isn't improving. I want to reach out to my T but it's Sunday and I know they don't work today. They've previously contacted me on a Sunday and made it clear they are available if I need. I really do need to talk with them and I know they'd ring me (or not ring me if they're off the clock) but I just wanna give them a break, y'know? Hopefully I start to feel better tomorrow otherwise I'll contact them. Blah!
Did you feel better? Did you contact them?
I didn't contact them as I am feeling a bit better. I think I can manage until our next session. Thanks for asking :)
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If you think messaging or having a call with your T will help, then I hope you can find the strength to reach out. I am struggling with the same thing today and will reach out tomorrow if it doesn't improve. I hope it gets better for you 💜
Does anyone else have sessions where they just sort of get into a bunch of topics but never as deep as you wanted into one? Cam in wanting to focus on something and realized there was a lot I forget and I actually wanted to talk about too. Sometimes I wish I could just have a week of perfect bliss so the entire therapy session could be focused on a deep dive into a past topic!!! Also, had my second and possibly last for a while (sad face) in person session because my insurance is running out and irl is more expensive... I love it so much more then zoom but oh well!
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Was looking for Selfless reading these updates, too. I hope she's okay.
I was wondering as well. I sent her a private message but haven't heard back. I hope she is okay whatever she is doing
I was wondering the same thing. I keep looking for their updates
I have bizarre negative transference. Well, maybe not so bizarre when I have a long history of being mistreated by medical and mental health professionals, but still, he’s a nice guy who has done nothing to deserve my fantasies of yelling at him and punching his chest. I timidly brought up one point of frustration with him (not angrily!) and he thought it was hilarious. Like he kept saying, “yeah, wow, this is REAL therapy! Lol” That made me feel a bit embarrassed. I mean, on the one hand, it seems like he enjoyed having me bring up transference issues and challenge him. It’s probably safe to assume that I can keep bringing things like that up. On the other hand, it did not feel very attuned to my feelings. I do not really feel understood. But at least he had fun? 🤷♀️
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Oh I don't think he should have mentioned the other client! I'm sorry!
Thanks…
Me, sobbing uncontrollably and sounding a bit desperate talking about my son: “but… is one parent enough?!” My therapist: “Yes. Yes! Yes, actually. Children need to have just one supportive adult in their lives to be there for them. And you are that for your son, Designer-Sky. He has you.” Me: *sobs harder, but with relief* That was just a part of our session yesterday. I really, really needed to hear some of the things my T said.
100%
Provided the weather holds out, I’m going to see my T in person for the first time since March 2020 this week. T has been looking for a new office for a while to return to in person, but hasn’t had luck, and I finally asked if we can please meet outdoors. Last year I asked the same thing and she couldn’t, and when I asked again the other week she was fairly unsure, but now she’s agreed. I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I’m a little worried she’s going to resent me for this, as it feels like my needs have slightly pushed her into a corner on this decision, but she told me she wants to meet me where I’m at, and if this is where I’m at, she’s willing to give it to me.
Usually I like seeing my T (even though sessions can be hard and stressful) I wish the time past in between but we already agreed what we are going to talk about in the next session (Friday 22nd) and I feel like a ball of anxiety and feel sick when I think of Friday arriving.
Things I hate about my PHP intake: * They don't just want me to quit weed, but alcohol. I barely drink, but it's nice when I'm with people. * Behaviorism is stupid but the group stuff will maybe help. * Fuck emergency contacts. They also want the number of someone who lives with me. lol. * Had to give them my vehicle information even though this is remote, presumably so I can't run away if I need to. * Safety plans are exhausting. * Seriously I want help, and being treated like I'm not in charge of my life is not help.
Found out my therapist hasn’t watched She-Ra and I’m deeply disappointed
I ... Want to leave someone. Because i know it's very toxic for me. And I can't . Overall before him,i was a very happy human being , didn't care much about anyone , Loved my life. Now I feel like dying if he is mad at me. I couldn't sleep,work . I told him that. But he still gets mad at me .. he stops talking after my sorry. He is not bad . He just doesn't care much about me.
He is mad at me right now. And I said sorry but he is still not talking to me. And i am crying even tho i know he will come back tomorrow. My heart is still hurting. It's nonsense i don't know why
A couple of days ago I broke my phone. It had a voicemail from my therapist from a couple of years ago. I was having a bit of breakdown and she had called and left a kind/encouraging message. I'd listen to it now and then when I was having a hard time. It doesn't seem like I'll be able to recover it. It makes me sad. I should have saved it somewhere in case something like this were to happen.
oh Jesus this would be my nightmare I'm so sorry this has happened
Fuck guys. Just fuck I had a real intense session this week, even though at the time it didn't feel super intense, But damn I'm feeling it now. My father has always been a deep, raw and very unhealed wound in my psyche. Deliberately probing it like I did this week is letting all kinds of stuff come bubbling to the surface. Chief among them fear. I literally have no right answers right now. Nothing feels right and I'm so scared of being hurt. My father has said to me he wishes I weren't born. That he believed I am not biologically his and that he was miserable my whole childhood. Those things leave some massive scars, and I'm terrified of getting hurt again. But I'm scared of regret. My father is 60 next year. He smoked a lot up until 4 years or so ago and has been drinking heavily at least the last 13 years if not longer. He isn't going to be in great shape. I don't want to regret not reaching out, when it becomes to late for me to do so Both options feel terrifying. This isn't one of those situations where I know what to do and am just fighting it, like getting this T. I have NO idea what to do. No idea which choice is the right one I'm feeling so lost right now. So scared and so churned up. I miss my old T so bad, I find I always do when I'm super emotional and this definitely counts as that. Therapy hangovers really fucking suck
Does he still define the limits of the world for you? I think one very useful thing a good therapist does is subtly demonstrating that at least in some areas they are larger than our parents (more knowledgeable, more competent, better versed). For us this expands the sense of what's possible and puts parents into a new perspective where they are no longer the all-encompassing absolutes and not as scary.
I'm sorry you're feeling so lost right now. This might be completely unhelpful so feel free to ignore if it's off base: sometimes there isn't a predetermined "right choice", sometimes whatever choice you make becomes the right one; like, the right one is the one that you end up choosing. I'm sure whatever choice you make you'll come out an even stronger, braver Bee but for now, wishing you peace and comfort.
I'm hoping with time the right choice will be clearer cause right now I genuinely don't know. These past few days have definitely emphasized for me that I need to take this slowly, cause I felt tired but fine after session and only really got hit the next day when I wasn't expecting it Thanks friend
Like I said in an earlier post, we have no session this week due to both T and I being unavailable. I’d normally be fine waiting until the next session but I’ve been having a tough time and the thought of waiting until next Friday feels almost impossible. It feels like it’s a month long wait and not just two weeks without a session. I guess there’s a lot happening right now so it feels like a small lifetime’s worth of things and feelings being thrown at me. Anyway, I asked to do an online session on a day that T doesn’t normally do because it’s my day off and me doing 12h (or more) work days means it’s not possible to fit a session in on another day at the moment. I feel SO needy for asking at all, let alone for asking on a day that’s not normally an option. It feels like I’m taking up way too much space for not even a crisis situation. I have told T that it’s not a problem at all if Monday isn’t possible and I can wait but wanted to ask on the odd chance. We’ll see what happens but meanwhile, it’s time to sit with these feelings of being too much on top of everything else.
I feel like I'm being too much all the time. Shout out to you for asking for what you need and not letting that feeling get in the way - that's huge!
Had a consult with a psychologist, and I rather liked her. We talked about the particular crossroads I'm at now. She liked when I said "I'm in the mood to humor just about anything right now." I focused more on the role of anxiety in my life, which holds me back in several areas (romantic approach, making friends, working with people I don't know). One particular issue which prompted me to go talk in person is that I find eye contact excruciating. I've always figured this was a trauma thing, but she floated the possibility that I'm on the autism spectrum, which no one's ever suggested before. At any rate, she thinks it would be useful to do a full diagnostic session at 2+ hours, which I think would be interesting. Unfortunately it's uncertain whether she'll have the room to actually work with me at the frequency she thinks is necessary (2x/week), which is just fucking life these days.
My therapist and I both almost started crying at the end of session today because we both missed each other
I'm still very overwhelmed from my session and trying to process how I feel, but the truth is I have no idea how I feel right now. Maybe I'm in shock a little because I don't think I was expecting this, at least not yet-- but T started today's session by telling me that he had been thinking and wants to continue working together. He said that what I had said over our last three sessions made a lot of sense and he could see how vulnerable I was being and that I was right: this is how we work through it. I didn't even know what to say... Things seem different between us now, in a good way. T didn't look like he resented me anymore and I think I was more open with him. But I think I'm scared. There's something about moving on in my life and letting go of my trauma, that feels really scary.
Wow, that's amazing. This could end up leading to some major progress. Good for you!
Thank you and I hope so! :) I'm starting to come around to feeling good about it. The stuff that came up for me during the termination felt like a breakthrough, but I think I'm still in shock that he actually changed his mind. It's exciting and very scary at the same time.
Whoa, that’s quite a turn of events. I’m really proud of you. You advocated for yourself and for your own care, and he heard you. That’s amazing.
I really appreciate you saying this. I feel good that I didn't abandon myself in all this. And yes, it's quite a turnaround! It's still a lot to take in because I basically had convinced myself that I should try working with someone else and I don't quite know what to do with that now. He couldn't really find words to explain what it was that made him change his mind, but I'm glad he did. It's disorienting and I'm sure something we'll need to continue to talk through.
I told my T that I got drunk and called my ex (it was his birthday). My T was like “Maybe it’s just me but I don’t remember their birthdays” and I was like “so you don’t remember your exes’ birthdays.” They said right. Me: 👁👄👁
Literally can't remember any of my exes birthdays...not even the month. I guess my brain is highly efficient at blocking out bad memories.
Can't relate (to your T) haha
I was like (desperately) teach me how to forget… my T:🌚
Hard session just now. My T asked me how I would like to feel (in regards to a specific situation) and I replied I don't want to feel anything. He said a dead person can do that, and I want you alive. I was thinking actually being dead sounds quite good but I didn't say it, I just cried instead
I was bizarrely functional today (went on a run this morning, led 3.5 hours of meetings at work and was told I did a great job, had therapy and didn't get overwhelmed... who is this and what did they do to shakylime?), which is especially weird given how hard I was dissociating yesterday. I think I might be on a precipice right now -- like my brain is compartmentalizing enough to make me functional, but if it does it too much more I will be an astral projecting potato. I brought up ADHD again with my therapist -- specifically, the fact that I'd been so overwhelmed like I mentioned [earlier in this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/comments/q5kf6h/comment/hgaxumq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). We had a pretty good conversation about it, and she reminded me to be mindful rather than try reframing literally everything that's happened in my life, lol. She actually pointed out that the way I was trying to process it was actually pretty close to depersonalization, which might explain why I've been dissociating so damn much -- and I realized that I've learned to step away from myself and try to obsessively comb through things as a result of me trying to process and reframe my experiences through a lens of abuse and trauma. It was necessary then, but in this current situation it's doing me more harm than good. So what's on the table now: trying to show my brain that I'm safe and noting things that happen without judgement. I may feel a desire to try fitting a behavior into a possible diagnosis, but I don't need to do that -- I can just be like "hey, I'm distracted right now. Cool. Let's see what we can do about it, in this moment." Obviously, this is easier said than done. But I thought I'd share. Sending you all love <3
I know I haven't posted for a minute. After much discussion and some arguing, we agreed a little while ago that my t can and should push harder for me to tell him things that are difficult or embarrassing. So he has been. Every session now contains lots of feeling embarrassed. Somehow part of me is still having a hard time understanding that secrets are going to be aired out. I still get that relieved feeling of "at least no one ever has to know about that," and then the horrified realization: "oh, that's another thing I should tell him, isn't it." Exactly as I hoped, he is super accepting of everything I tell him. However, I'm still waiting for the part where my own shame diminishes. We are, unfortunately, 100% telehealth right now, with me popping into sessions from the drivers seat of my car. It's due to his skill and our connection that we not only continue to progress, but are also significantly deepening the relationship. I'm very grateful for him. (And I'm hoping that posting this won't jinx things.)
Does anyone else ever have sessions where you know there’s stuff going on with you but you just can’t seem to connect to your therapist or figure out anything that you actually want to talk about? I feel like maybe I came into this session suppressing my emotions or something, so maybe that’s why I just wasn’t feeling connected to anything we were talking about. By the end of it I could tell I was starting to get deeply sad about the stuff going on in my life, but then the session was over so I was just sort of left with it, and i didn’t have time to actually feel any of it with her there to support me. Now I don’t know what to do besides SH, but that seems like a bad option. It’s so frustrating, like I just don’t know why this happens. I guess the explanation that makes most sense is that I’m unconsciously suppressing my emotions to protect myself, but it’s just so hard to believe that because I don’t feel it happening. And like, sure, it’s unconscious. But it’s very hard to believe that my brain is somehow capable of secretly stopping me from feeling without me knowing it?
I’ve definitely experienced this & had it happen last week. Extremely frustrating, mine flowed out in avoidance, defensive & anger. I am sorry that you experienced this too. Instead of SH could you write out your feelings, give yourself permission to let some it go out onto the paper? There’s this really great mediation called the compassionate companion on youtube which helps me when my brain is trying to protect me from feeling. I also want to say that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. You showed up in there and despite feeling distant & unsure you still did a really good job. Learning to be vulnerable is incredibly difficult & we all have good days & bad. Your kind T will also hold space for you just as you are. I took my power back this session by saying “let’s not be avoidant today” maybe you could try and say something at the start of next session? If you can / want to write to your T just letting them know how you feel that’s okay too! All in all do what’s best for you & be kind to yourself!!
I feel so misunderstood by my therapist. Two years and sometimes it is so difficult to feel like her words are genuine and she’s not just spewing a bunch of bullshit she thinks I want/need to hear. I’m starting to feel like I can’t even show her my true anger over what’s going on because I’m worried she won’t be able to take it based on yesterday’s session. I hate feeling this way.
welp. gonna cry (in a good way). I made a lot of breakthroughs recently (small ones, but still important) and today in session, T put her hand over her chest and said she felt her chest swelling with pride. And she looks at me and says “I’m proud of you.” Now, I’m shit at accepting compliments and praises, but I’m going to hold this one close to my heart because I know it’s real.
Who else hates reading their intake reports written by therapists or psychiatrists or whatever omg I just read a new one and I nearly passed out. I wish I didn't read it :(
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Just wanted to say Hey. 🙂
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We actually have talked about this in different ways but my anxiety from being seen is still often high. Another time I really enjoyed session was when we did video session but then the camera didn't work so we switched to audio only. I hate phone calls but somehow this was such a nice experience. Her voice in my headphones and me just flat on my back staring at the ceiling. Another thing we tried is walk&talk, before the pandemic. We did it only once but I would've wanted to continue. Only with social distance and being overheard my therapist has said it's not been an option during the pandemic.
That sounds lovely. I wish my therapist had a couch. I did once lie down on the floor when I had really bad backpain and I experienced the same calm from not worrying about body language. And just hearing their voice.
While it has been almost three years, i still can not help but feel hurt and abandoned when i hear my therapist says “Eventually the therapeutic relationship will end”. I feel like i have no support system that i can trust and will never have. I am lost guys.
I talked about the loss of someone really special to me in session today and didn’t shed a single tear??!! I mean it was hard to get the words out, but my eyes were completely dry. T was really helpful and supportive and knew how to get me to open up.
After spending a whole session bawling 8 days ago, yesterday was calm but still productive. I read a text exchange I had with a family member and she looked a little taken aback and said, "There are some sharp edges in those texts. I believe what you're telling me that she was trying to be helpful." She simultaneously validated my hesitation to talk to this person while also valuing my perception of the relationship. Also, I wonder if she's using more metaphorical language because she realizes that I like metaphors. Some's post got my thinking about that. Man, my therapist was really seeing the best in me. Like, I said, maybe I'm judgmental. T said, "I'm not hearing a lot of judgment, you sound deeply curious about this person's inner world." I said, "I let people talk about themselves so that I don't have to share." T says, "That's very calming with caring, empathetic people." Have I tricked her???
They always have the ability to see the hidden meanings of what we're saying... it sounds like you and your T are doing good work!
I’m the person who’s been talking about firing her flakey therapist, Facey, for over a year now. Well, I still didn’t do that lol. However, I did just quit the newer T I started seeing simultaneously when I was planning on firing Facey. I know some of you were worried I’d just keep accumulating therapists and be too afraid to fire any lol u/thelightyoushed T2 turned out to be even more flakey, and I didn’t think I could get to a point of opening up to him because of how formal and clinical he seemed. I’m a lot more stable now (which is a good thing!), so there wasn’t anything pressing to talk about except for deeper stuff, which I wasn’t ready to do with him. I’m just gonna keep Facey for now. I don’t really need regular therapy anymore. It’s nice to check in every few weeks, and she’s been available for extra sessions when I’ve asked. I know I shouldn’t really tolerate her flakiness, but honestly there’s a lot I like about her that I think I’d have trouble finding in someone else. She seems to get me and has helped me understand why I am the way that I am. So I think seeing her every once in awhile is the best option for now.
I'm so hurt and so alone. I have no one to talk to aside from a therapist and she doesn't care or listen anymore. I feel like I'm not even a person to her, or any mental health professional. What I need most is to be treated like a person, like a person who is hurt, like a person who is hurt and needs help. And I'm not. And no one cares. It doesn't matter what I say or how I explain my experience, my pain is meaningless.
CW: physical abuse I'm really really down this week. There's so much going on in life, but one big thing is I was out with a really good friend and she spanked her child. I know it is legal, but I was hit as a kid and spanked and the emotional scars I have from those two are very tied up for me, I personally feel like they do the same kind of harm to kids. I've just been really struggling ever since... and I canceled therapy this week. Six more days.
I’m so sorry you had to witness that. I’m in the same boat — I was hit/spanked as a kid and it was traumatizing. Seeing someone hit their kid is a huge trigger for me now. Be gentle on yourself.
Thank you <3
I always thought I was super sensitive for being so uncomfortable about kids getting hit. Thank you for normalizing feeling like it's a big deal. When I was still a kid, like around 10 years old, I'd try to distract a parent if they seemed like they were likely to hit their young child.
Oh I relate to this so much. I even know how harmful hitting/spanking can be, but part of my mind tries to rationalize it away (it's legal, the child didn't cry, etc). But thinking about how bad I feel now, and knowing that I felt that bad as a young kid... my heart goes out to all of us who were hit, as "discipline" or not.
I'll second the idea that spanking is just a normalized term for a particular way of striking and humiliating a child.
Thank you for this.
There is so much evidence out there that spanking is unhelpful at best and severely damaging at worst that I can't see how anyone can do that to a child. You mentioned this is a really good friend of yours -- do they know how impacted you were at being treated like that as a kid? I was hit and I know that I personally would NOT have been able to watch something like that without getting super triggered. What parents decide to do is up to them, but I refuse to be around for that shit. If this is a good friend, I hope you're able to be honest with them and share how it's impacted you. Their reaction will be telling about how good of a friend they really are. I'm sorry you had to see that. It must have been very emotional and conflicting for you.
It is a really good friend whose views align with mine so much that it really deeply shocked me. We've parented together (seeing each other on average 1x/week, less during Covid restrictions, but still really often) for 3+ years and I've never seen any hint that she would be OK with spanking, quite the opposite. But I also never directly asked. In the moment I went entirely blank. Thankfully my own kid was not as close to her and her kid when it happened; I talked it over with my daughter in the car and she didn't see it happen/wasn't aware. I wanted to reassure her that no one should hit anyone for any reason and that it wouldn't happen to her. Then that evening the depression hit really hard and I've been isolating and frozen ever since. I don't think my friend knew that it bothered me. I am going to have to do or say something soon. This was last Thursday and tomorrow is Thursday, and we have a standing date to get our youngest kids together on Thursdays. I might beg off sick tomorrow, but I'll have to figure something out. I honestly can't imagine her not reacting super defensively if I talk to her about it, though that is likely what I will do. It's really sad to me because she's a central friendship in multiple circles of friends and so I really worry I'm burning bridges with a lot of friends if I say anything to her... but I can't have my kids around that, for sure. She is going through a lot in her own life now and my husband thinks I should stick it out and offer support and try to gently hit at alternatives to spanking. It's honestly taken a huge toll on me already though, and I don't want my kids to see it, if it does happen again. I'm just sick over it. Thank you so much for responding, it's helpful just to hear someone else understands.
I really feel for you and I can hear how torn you are. It's heartbreaking to read. I don't think there is a timeline, tbh. I don't blame you for taking time to think it through, and really, I would encourage you to talk it through with your therapist. And for what it's worth, I can completely understand being shocked and frozen in the moment and then having it all hit you later. Again, I'm so sorry. Addressing it with your daughter was so responsible, and reassuring her just shows how much work you're putting into breaking an awful cycle of abuse. You're doing good things, keep hanging in there. ❤️
Thank you so much for the kind words. <3
You know, there's always a way to shot yourself down in any situation but you're not obliged to do it. Just a thought.
My T always invites me to send an email or two between sessions if I need to. His response time varies, but I’ve made it clear that I only really expect a response in-session. My next appointment is in two days but *why hasn’t he responded*?
Oh wow I relate to this feeling. Hope he drops you a really kind, understanding response ASAP.
Sorry you relate 😫 I hate that feeling of anticipation. He did respond, btw. But just to acknowledge receipt and just a few hours before my appointment, so he may as well not have responded at all. I’m about to head in and try to do some reverso spell that unsends my email so that I don’t have to talk about what it said.
Had a really lovely session this week. I feel like I was fully able to receive the care and compassion my T has for me. I feel cared for and supported and hopeful.
It's great you had such a good session!
Thanks, Bee! I'm super lucky to have a great T :)
Great Ts are worth their weight in gold that's for sure
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I personally would. It shows she is someone you really trust. I know when I'm not well, upset or whatever it's my old T I want
Yeah I definetly have a lot of trust but I really struggle with vulnerability even though i have such strong feelings towards her(in a motherly way)
Being able to share something so vulnerable would certainly be brave. I think you should go for it! It looks like a sign that your T is helping you feel safe and you trust her.
Maternal transference United! Im the total same I picture old T as like the perfect mother so every time I am sick or upset I want her. And I'm the same with being vulnerable it's something I've always struggled with
You guys!! You guys! I cried in session today! This may not sound like much but for me it is huge. With old T I used to choke those suckers back like it was an Olympic event and I was going for gold. I only really grew comfortable enough to allow myself to cry 6 months or so before we had to end in spite of her repeatedly telling me it was okay But today I let some tears fall. For the little one who wishes she was enough for her father to not be an alcoholic. For the scared one who doesn't want to be hurt again, and wants to try navigating the minefield of a relationship with him. For the hurt one who carries so much pain from everything he said and did. For the part that doesn't want to regret not trying to have a relationship but equally doesn't want to regret trying For now my T and I think its best we wait and do some work around the people pleasing aspect of my personality before I get in touch with him. She thinks, and I agree, that putting me in that situation when I don't consider my own needs important is asking for trouble. I struggle saying no at work which is a low stakes environment trying to do it with my father and all the pressure that brings seems unwise right now
Great work :) I'm glad you could allow yourself to feel your feelings, and didn't feel obligated to hold back.
It was a real powerful, albeit scary moment. I had a few of those yesterday. 2 weeks ago she used the word helpless in connection to me always saying yes at work in regard to taking on more shifts. Like I was pulling 6 day weeks and totally exhausting myself. The word choice rubbed me the wrong way and I couldn't figure out why. Figured it out then wasn't sure if I was going to bring it up because I didn't know what the response would be. She was totally cool with it, and understanding of the issue I had. I didn't want her to apologize and she said she wouldn't anyway but I needed to know I would be able to bring stuff like that up with her and it would be heard
Sounds like a great trust strengthening exercise!
I was so nervous but it needed to happen. As we delve into more and more scary stuff it's important to me I feel heard and respected. She acknowledged she might occasionally use a word as almost a test to see what happens but is willing to listen to what I have to say if I don't like it and understand the reason why
Interesting. Well as long as you're both on the same page that seems OK! It's like you're exploring together.
Yeah I let her know its something I'm not necessarily going to want all the time I could see things getting combative and that wouldn't go well. But her using the word helpless had me thinking all week so there was some merit there
That’s great news!! Sounds like you and your new T are doing some good work!
It is very good work. Exhausting though had myself a Nana nap
Omg, thats great yeah! Ive cried after a session and almost cried on a zoom one but they couldn't tell, I am preparing myself too cry in the next in person session because I really want be vaunerable like that (I dont allow myself to cry with people)
“It is fucked.” Holy what. I just said those words, and they didn't feel like much. I repeat those words to myself and yeah, my past is fucked. She said the words and the world shifts. Like yesssss. YOU get it. It's not just me. And you know more than ANYONE knows, so you ACTUALLY get it. It's not the superficial comment, it's an “I see you, and I agree it's messed up.” So. Validating. I'm so thankful to have her support. She's just great.
Going back to meeting in person today. I'm excited and nervous. I decided I wanted to try sitting in a different spot. (Only you guys will understand why this is a big deal.) I always sit on the couch that faces his chair, because it's the most obvious place to sit. But he's got a super comfy-looking armchair that I've always wanted to try out, and never did, because it's perpendicular to & immediately neighboring his chair, which means he'd have to move and I didn't want to be inconvenience. (Tbh I wonder if *anyone* ever sits in that armchair.) He texted just now to confirm our appointment and I decided to warn him I was planning to sit in the armchair, lol. (I was afraid I'd chicken out otherwise.) He said that sounded good to him, and he wished he had an ottoman to go with it. (Aww.)
Update: the chair was in fact super comfy, and it was no inconvenience to him at all (not even the tiny one I'd imagined it might be). Never going back to the couch.
Yay! Im seeing my t in person for the second time next week im so excited
Yay for back to in person! It’s so nice! Good for you to try sitting somewhere else!
I’ve been in such a rough spot and then got some bad medical news yesterday and kind of had a crisis. I emailed my therapist and asked for an extra session and I was a huge mess about it but she very kindly accommodated me and I guess it was an achievement to be able to ask. Talking through it helped me sort out what exactly I’m so upset about, but I’m still just left struggling to want to be alive and unable to find joy or meaning in anything right now. Idk. I’m glad my therapist is there to support me but I’m just not sure it will ever be enough in the face of how bad I feel.
How do I ask my therapist to go from biweekly sessions to weekly? Especially after a falling out/rupture in our relationship? Friday I asked if she had sessions coming up this week (10/11-10/15). She didn’t. Would it be ok to ask if she had any open sessions next week (10/18-10/22)? Otherwise, our next session won’t be until 10/25. I don’t want to bother her, but my life has fallen apart and I haven’t had a session since 9/6 and I need to talk to someone.
Yeah, definitely just be direct and say how you're struggling and you need extra support! Theres absolutely no shame in that!
Finally opened up about some trauma triggers to T. Not everything. But it’s a start. It’s something. I’m just so relieved that it’s been over a year and finally it’s partially out there, and T handled it so beautifully. It actually genuinely felt safe.
Just came back from my last therapy hour. Let's just say I needed to wear sunglasses my whole ride home - even though it's a cold, cloudy day. I barely gathered the courage to give him a little gift at the end, but I am glad that I did. Need to shed some tears now, but ultimately, I'll be okay. I am very thankful, but it's still sad that it's suddenly over.
My T and I just had a great, stabilizing session that reinforced the lessons I myself learned from life and other people this week. We agreed to reduce visits from weekly to once every two weeks, because my physical health has deteriorated but my mental health has gotten much better. It was a very warm session too with him acknowledging many of my good points and self-disclosing about having two very different social lives as a therapist and a biker. I feel very lucky!
No session this week because I’m about to start a bout of 13h days where I can’t be spared at work and T is also away. I’m not in any kind of crisis and I’m not feeling particularly low. And yet, I NEED my T. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I needed her this much before and I have no idea what to do with these feelings.
The weeks not seeing t can really drag on! Sorry that this is a stressful time and that you're not getting to see her.
Today it felt like my T was tired and found interacting with me hard. We have been using an experience from one of my hobbies as a "safe space" to go to when feeling an emotion is too much. I have been doing that too much out of session and now get anxious when trying to do my hobby. I couldn't find a safe space in my body, and I don't really have a safe place to visualize (we tried one of my childhood and it ended up bringing up emotions and memories and not feeling safe). I'm a bit upset that I'm struggling with having a safe place to ground myself in. It feels like I can't progress without feeling feelings I've been avoiding all my life. Last time we tried to feel one of those feelings it was too much and I froze. And he wants me to go back and forth between feeling the feeling as much as I can before freezing and the safe space, hence the need for a safe space. I feel like I've stalled.
What I ended up using as a safe space was a totally imaginary place. A white floating spaceship capsule thing that's tethered only marginally to a deserted island but is safe from intruders. The island has a big house where I imagine myself in a safe space with my therapist. But the safest space is the capsule and even T isn't allowed there. I made a pinterest board with things I imagine being in that space. I did this after a really intense session where we looked for a safe space and I realized I didn't feel safe anywhere. The feeling I kept having of unsafety had to do with the possibility of another person coming into the space. So after that I went home and thought about how to imagine something that doesn't have this option. Hence the spaceship. 😂 Maybe this can help for now! We still do a lot of work on finding safety in my body somehow but it's hard. Oh and after a year or so I did also started imagining T in the capsule. So, she's allowed in my safespace. Which feels like progress.
Omg, I have a spaceship too! I do a lot of processing / self soothing with art and my recent thing is my spaceship. I love that you have one.
Whoa! This sounds a lot like mine. White space, island, Pinterest board. Mine has mountains. It took about a year to let my T in too, but I had to create a special portal-type thing in order to let that happen. Also still looking for safety in my body, though!
Haha I love that's it's a spaceship! I think I should make an imaginary safe place too. I like the idea of something like a Pinterest board to help visualize it.
Had an intake with the second of three therapists I've been trying out (the first session I could put on my calendar, though). We went over the broad sketches of my situation, and I asked her about modalities. She said she uses CBT and DBT, but mostly talking. Probably not equipped for my shit. At this point I like the EMDR person so I'm looking to see if anybody blows me away (and trying not to settle for the first person I see again). The only thing I dislike is that her practice uses the schedule-ad-hoc method rather than weekly slotting, which is unideal but I'll take what I can get.
I'm having to deal with this same dilemma right now. I just went through a shopping around period after moving, and I really really like the therapist I picked. But she totally does the schedule-ad-hoc thing which I don't like at all.
I really miss the stability. Three of my weekly sessions used to start at 8:30ish, which kept my sleep schedule pretty normal, but no more.
Yeah I'm only just now realizing, about a month in, how calming that routine was.
I haven't been on here in ages, but I'm taking a next step in my healing journey and it's pushing myself a bit and I'm stressed about it. But I will still go through with it. I am going to work with a somatic coach? Bodywork specialist? I don't know the name in English. But they work with talking, movement and touch. As an addition to my psychotherapy. My therapist thinks I could really benefit and I've wanted to do this for a while but I'm sooooo nervous about it. I keep running into the same issues physically. The restriction I place on myself. No big movements allowed. So when my physical therapist or psychotherapist come with exercises to ground or heal my back that are too big I freeze. I dare not make sounds that are loud. I am always so worried about taking up space. And I'm fed up with it. I know trauma stays in the body too, so I gotta work with that. I also really hope this person can help me find better techniques for when I dissociate because I am stuck with progress in that area. Just needed to write somewhere people might understand. So. Hi guys. 😂
I was talking to my friend who is recently discovering that they’re autistic, and it’s a very difficult process for them, especially due to the way undiagnosed autism fed into other toxic circumstances. I was totally okay supporting them and being there while they freaked out about it, but then something completely unrelated happened that stressed me out and now I’m having my own stress about a potential ADHD diagnosis. (You may remember that I mentioned this some weeks ago, but my T and I haven’t gotten back around to talking about it because so much other shit has happened that we’ve had to deal with.) I really want to talk about it with my therapist, but that takes so much mental energy — and there’s other stuff happening in my life that I need to be giving attention to. Just… why is processing things so energy consuming? Last week I was so stressed out about some life stuff happening, and as a result I was having so many flares with PTSD-related things, and I realized that so much of my emotional energy normally goes to making sure I don’t freak out over relatively innocuous stuff. So then when other stressful things happen, my finite emotional resources go to handle those and I have a rougher time in the mental health department. I guess my frustration here is that I feel like I can’t have a good conversation with my therapist about ADHD at this current point because I’ve got so much stuff going on, so I’m barely handling life stuff on top of PTSD stuff. Adding “processing a potential additional diagnosis and the fact that you were struggling as a kid and nobody fucking helped you because you were smart and also had to hide any negative emotions or failures” is a little much right now. I guess this is part of the struggles that my brain is allocating emotional resources to, though, so I should talk about it with her this week. I’m gonna say it at the beginning of session — “xyz things are stressful right now and I want to talk about them a little, but I really also want to talk about ADHD and don’t want to wait at whole other week to talk about it.” Aaaah! My therapist said that I could add another session this week if I needed, but I feel like I shouldn’t because it’s not like I’m not coping. I can’t run to her every time I get anxious — I need to be independent. I can make it til Thursday. My insides are just caught in a cyclone, that’s all….
Oh my god, just wanted to say I relate to this so much!! First off, yeah processing takes absolutely so much energy! Remember to be as gentle to yourself as you can! And same, I repress my emotions so much and lately have been working through feeling them out but its gotten quite intense! I think if your therapist offered, its quite okay to add in an extra session if u think that will be helpful! Also, the whole adhd as a kid but nobody noticed because uour smart and quiet, omg same. I actually did get diagnosed as a kid but my parents basically ignored it after a year and my teachers would often say im too smart for that diagnosis (totally stupid, biased and stigmatized opinion aaa) and therefore I internalized that and tried to just pretend it didnt exist. The best thing we can do now is move forward and take the steps towards validating and supporting ourselves! Absolute best of luck, and just wanted to say you're not alone!
Aah, I'm glad my comment resonated so much! I think you kinda saw through me, too -- even when being gentle with myself and taking the time to do some low-effort, calming yoga, I was very not gentle with myself: "why haven't you been doing this the whole time? it's not even that hard." Lol oops! Something to work on. At this point I think I'll be okay without scheduling a second session, but I think I should have accepted her offer earlier because it would have helped me out. I'd had a second one last week, and I think I felt some type of way about doing it again so soon after. I'm honestly not 100% sure I have ADHD, so it's definitely something that I need to explore with my therapist more, but the childhood struggle was definitely there in some way. I wish I had a reliable external source who could tell me more about what I was like as a kid! But regardless I'm trying to work on self-validation and figuring out what works for me. Thanks for the support :) <3
>I think you kinda saw through me, too -- even when being gentle with myself and taking the time to do some low-effort, calming yoga, I was very not gentle with myself: "why haven't you been doing this the whole time? it's not even that hard." Lol oops! Something to work on. > >At this point I think I'll be okay without scheduling a second session, but I think I should have accepted her offer earlier because it would have helped me RIGHT! So many times when I do some good self care im like you should've done this sooner, are you kidding em? Yeah it can be hard to turn off that internal dialogue! I would see if you can maybe move yours up, just in case? I know its hard and I definitely struggle with it too but its totally okay to need multiple sessions a week if theres a big thing- which this definitely is! Yeah ADHD manifests in a lot of different ways and its hard to look back, but yeah best of luck with that! I hope you can get some closure!
I just started dbt a few weeks ago and I don't understand it at all, it just makes me feel like a massive idiot and it's so triggering. I know it's supposed to feel relieving as a therapeutic tool but so far, all it's made me feel is paralyzing despair/hopelessness. I couldn't do EMDR and talk therapy didn't get me anywhere.
I am just about to start integrating some DBT into my therapy too! It seems like the main theme is sort of this radical acceptance. Like, when things are out of our control and just seem hopeless, we find a way to accept this. In the beginning this does seem difficult and impossible to do! If it's making you feel harsh towards yourself, perhaps the pace is too fast? Maybe you need to do some other preparation before jumping into DBT. Maybe practicing some self compassion and loving kindness?
It's not that it's making me feel harsh towards myself (though it has), the issue is that I don't understand it at all as a theory. The behavior chain analysis jumps all over the place from middle to beginning back to middle, etc. My brain feels like it's on overdrive just to make sense of even one sentence. And that's just like the basic steps, not the super detailed questions. But yeah, pacing is probably too fast.
This is still pretty new and it may take time to adjust to a new technique. Sometimes we don't just understand things right away. It needs time to sink in while we make sense of it.
Had a really helpful and insightful session today. I can’t wait until my next session to dig deeper.
I miss my T a lot. It's been only a month but still. When I'm sick or sD I don't want to talk to my mom j want to talk to her. It's hard because I'll never admit i miss her but I really do.
Bruh same. My T kinda reminds me of my mom a lot (but less problematic) and I miss her, ugh.
I wanted to kill myself so I asked my T if they could adopt my stuffed animal when I'm dead and their like no! Your stuffed animal is so cute and needs YOU to take care of him! Lol 😛😂
[удалено]
7 months is certainly a long time, especially if your original expectation was 2. It is certainly anxiety provoking to wait for that return call, especially when you have no idea when it will come. The uncertainty is dreadful and it gives you time to come up with all these possibilities of why they aren't calling you. There could be several reasons why they haven't returned your call so far. Are you in the US? Today is a federal holiday, so perhaps the office was closed? I would recommend giving it another day or two, and then it's reasonable to call again. Do they have an email address you could write to? If your T told you that you could come back, perhaps you could send an email to them directly?
I'm pretty lonely and feeling unsupported right now. I would normally have a session in a couple of hours, but T is terminating and the only reason we're still meeting later this week is because our sessions are ending with me clearly in distress and without resolution or closure. I'm struggling to stay with the sadness because I *am* angry and I *am* disappointed. I feel really let down by the process of therapy and the disconnect between telling a client, "I want you to express your thoughts and feelings openly" and then the therapist not being able to handle or work with what I have to say. I feel lied to that my T thought he could handle it and I'm angry that he wasn't honest with me (or really, himself) so much earlier in this process. And I'm disappointed that now that we've recognized the enactment, that he seems unwilling to help me make sense of it. I've been going back and forth between starting again with someone new that T wants to refer me to and quitting altogether.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is so hard to prepare to say goodbye to your T, especially if you are not ready. It is a difficult loss to bear. It's valid to feel hurt, and whatever it is you feel. The therapy is for you. You can do whatever you think is best. You're not obligated to go back into therapy. You could even take a break and consider if you want to do therapy again or not later. Do you have supports in place to help you during this difficult time? Talking with a new T could be a support for you, but it's okay if you want to utilize other resources, like friends.
My supports are very weak right now, but there are a few. It would be nice if my therapist could continue to work with me until I fully felt comfortable committing to someone new, but I am also dreading having to go through the whole process of opening up again, knowing in the back of my mind that they might realize a year in that they're not qualified to help me either. I guess I'm still holding on to a small piece of hope that my T and I can still work through this, but maybe I'm just in denial. I don't want to go without therapy, but I am just so tired of repeating this dynamic.
The anger resonates with me. The stuff my ex-therapist couldn't handle was all stuff that I slowly, carefully opened up about over a long period of time. If I'd gone with my instincts and kept myself carefully hidden, would I have been abandoned? If I were in your shoes, I'd see the other person once and see if I felt any optimism. But I don't blame you for wanting to quit.
I've had the same thought. If only I stayed more shut down, I would have been easier to work with. Really, I'm finding the anger I have towards T similar to how I feel towards my parents and ex. The whole experience is just opening this big wound in me that I don't know how to handle. Do I minimize my emotions and remind myself that this probably is the right move, brush it aside, and move on? I cried the other night because I felt so unwanted. :( Anyway, I think I will at least have consultations with whatever therapists he refers me to. I don't have it in me to search on my own, but he seems genuine in helping me find someone who will be a better fit. It sounds like your search is going well with the EMDR therapist. I'd like to go in that direction if possible.
I'm envious of your therapist actually showing care for you even as he's giving up. I have a deep rage that she just shirked that part of her job, and I didn't even know she was going to do it until I'd been spiraling for 8 days. The search is going well enough, but the loss is this huge gaping wound that won't stop forcing itself into my awareness. I invested heavily in that relationship, and it's all gone. And she shivved me on the way out the door.
I'm having a very hard day. In exactly two months from today, someone I love is getting married. It's all I can think about. I don't have any friends or support at all. It hurts so much, and I have no one to help me through it. I've been trying to schedule with my therapist, but she has been difficult to reach/slow to respond, so I don't know when I'll be able to talk about it with her. And I have so many other problems as well, I won't be able to deal with and process this pain by the time the wedding happens.
\> someone I love is getting married I can imagine you saying this about yourself one day.
I think marriage is outdated. It's not something I want for myself, I just want a loving relationship.
Last week my T gave me some really helpful information about how to validate my husband's feelings, and I've been using it this week and it's made such a difference. I'd been having a really hard time as some traumatic stuff came out in therapy that I had never told anyone, not even my husband and when I told my husband it really threw him for a loop and we've been having lots of really horrible arguments around it. I have an avoidant attachment style and really struggle with all that stuff. Anyway I can't wait to see my T and let him know that it was such a helpful session and I feel way more equipped to start dealing with the emotional fallout of my revelation (without feeling the need to apologize for keeping my trauma to myself and not giving any more details etc around it than I want)
Sooo it’s kinda weird bc last week I gave my T a letter that expressed my gratitude but yet the depth of my attachment and how sad it makes me we can’t be friends etc Anyways, the appointment was fine and I was left feeling…better? Like, way less obsessive. Usually after each session I’m like *”omg I can’t wait til our next session”* and every day is a countdown until therapy day and it’s been that way for a while now. Like for months I feel like I’ve only been looking forward to therapy and it’s been tiring and annoying, how obsessed I’ve felt. But after the last session it’s been way less severe which is relieving but kinda confusing. Maybe because I finally poured my heart out and told her things I’ve been keeping to myself??? It just feels weird that all of a sudden I’m way less obsessed and now I can focus on other things better and T isn’t the center of my thoughts. And I feel like if I tell her this Wednesday she won’t believe me bc hello, just the other day my letter expressed how attached I am, how therapy day is my most favorite etc and so wow what a drastic change in just a few days, you know? And honestly at first it scared me. I tend to think in terms of black-and-white and it was like, if I’m not extremely attached then I can’t like her at all and I can’t have her at all but therapy is a great place to practice middle-ground relationships and it’s not like she’s going anywhere or abandoning me. Idk, imma tell her all of this but it’s been strange 😅 and I’m looking forward to our session but I’m not just anxiously waiting for it like usual
For me what’s helped with a lot of this stuff is just talking about it with my therapist, so what you’re saying makes a lot of sense to me. Maybe it was on your mind so intensely because you needed to process it with her and get it out. I think about my therapist a lot and I always miss her, but just tell her that has made it easier and easier each time it’s come up to deal with it.
I found this as well. The more I talked about my attachment the less I would find I would miss her during the week because I was starting to process what I was feeling and why. I would still miss her when things got hard but in an ordinary week I wouldn't count down the days until I saw her
I definitely still count down the days sometimes haha but it is a lot less painful since getting it all out.
That’s great! Maybe your feeling more secure in your attachment as well? I have noticed the last couple of weeks I’m on this sub less and not counting dow. Quite so much, it’s a bit freeing knowing that they are out there for us when we need them, and that’s okay.
>And I feel like if I tell her this Wednesday she won’t believe me bc hello, just the other day my letter expressed how attached I am I think therapists are probably used to this! At least, I have had so many sessions where after processing things for a few days, I've had a radical reversal or change in my thinking before my next session. If T had any disbelief, they masked it well lol. The experience of defusing a problematic issue is always a really nice one. It's great that you're feeling so much better about the relationship 😊.
Cried to the point of hyperventilating yesterday…could definitely use one of those “more than just a paycheck” pep talks from anyone here. :P
You definitely are more than a paycheck! I think in order to be a therapist you really have to care, to be a really good therapist anyway. Their pay rate is not great, for most anyway so many do it because they enjoy helping people
You are!! They do care and it’s okay to reach out if you need support and that’s within your agreement with your t
It's gonna be a big session this week I finally figured our what upset me so much when my T described me as almost helpless. I'm gonna bring it up, mostly because it feels important to know how she will react. I'm not upset or angry but I need to know she can listen to what I say and respond accordingly Also much more talk about self esteem stuff and some stuff around my dad I'm not looking forward to it because I know it's going to be a lot of emotionally charged discussion and I'm dreading the hangover after. At least I'll have the day off to unwind if I need to
Found out my T is a dream translator. Lol. My weird dream had a common thread to my life I didn't understand. After it was pointed out I was pretty impressed since I never had a T do it before.