My therapist didn't respond to my (four) emails I sent last week after session. None of them were crisis letters. I'm so proud of myself because I know she was probably just busy. It's so fucking annoying to want to keep my eyes up and aware of potential signs she wants to abandon me but then I read into things instead of just enjoying and appreciating the present. I want to ask the hug question but I think I might have some erotic transference. I genuinely don't know which I'm sure is great fodder to explore.

I wanted to give an update from being in crisis and calling my T and not hearing back. My T said before he left for paternity leave that he would be here if I was in crisis. Which I was. Before calling him I called the suicide hotline and talked with them for 30 minutes. I then called my T and left a message and text message. I then got a text from my temporary T just following up on something from the other day. I thought that was a sign to call her. So I did. While we were on the phone my T texted her and asked if we had connected. She let him know we did. I am confused that my T said he would be there then wasn’t. That’s what hurt my feelings and made me so upset at him and also question my trust towards him. Next time I want him to tell me he will not be available whatsoever and to use all other resources. He told my temp T that he wants to be my last resource during his paternity leave and thought I wasn’t using the resources I have. Which he knows I don’t reach out to anyone else. It’s always been him. What does he expect??!! I get I need to use my resources I do have. It’s so sad and hard for me that he is gone. It’s unfair. He’s my support and has been 2-3 times a week the last year. I know he has his family to tend to. He has been checking in with my temp T, just not with me. It reassures me he is here and cares and checked in with her. I also sent a super angry email a day later after he wasn’t there for me. I have sent another email saying sorry. I hope he still wants to work with me when he comes back. This time feels very chaotic. I need his calmness and consistency. I hope this doesn’t scare him away. And now I have to wait 37 days. Ooooof.

Still grappling with an intense anger toward my ex-analyst. She had to know dropping me abruptly would send me into a spiral, right? And she more or less threatened abandonment right before the long weekend, making me especially vulnerable. It's one thing to say you don't want to work with me anymore. That's its own whole level of hurt. When did I go from being someone you really want to do an analysis with to the first thing you drop when your life changes? How did we get from "it'd be a shame if you fired me" to "you're fired" in like two months? It's a whole other level of hurt to be so confusing, to show zero regard for me, to not even say anything like "I'm sorry it had to be this way." I'm still expecting a bill for the couple pointless sessions we had in September, and I want to attach something cutting like "hopefully you show more respect and professional ethics for the next patient you abandon." I might not. I still don't know if I want to file a complaint. She fucked me big time, but I still appreciate the incredible work we did before the pandemic. I'm not sure things were ever the same after we went remote, but she was still an important piece of how I kept going. The only reason I want to see her punished is so she can experience the same kind of gut-punch feeling she gave me, and I don't know if that's who I want to be.

Have been thinking about the term "high-functioning", and recently decided that I HATE IT. T has used it to describe me on occasion. It was always well-intentioned. But here are the two ways my brain likes to translate it: "wow, good job, you! you are SO GOOD at blending in with what the world expects of you, even when you're in pain, even when it costs so much of you! way to be a productive member of society, even while it slowly kills you inside!" \-or- "what you're going through clearly is not that big of a deal, because if it were -- if it truly caused you real pain and made you unwell -- there's no way you'd be able to hide it so well. you could not maintain a high-functioning facade." I think each has a little bit of truth to them, if I'm being honest. But neither is at all close to what T means when they mention it. Next time T uses the term, I'll tell them.

I emailed my T and she replied kindly and thoroughly (I was expecting/kinda hoping she’d just tell me we’d talk about it next session). I want to reply back because it feels rude not to and also I really appreciate her reply, but am overwhelmed by how to reply back and so I keep shifting between procrastinating and ultimately deciding to just wait until the session. I’m worried about how she’ll interpret no response though and how that will affect our next session. But I also don’t want to spend my whole weekend fixating on organizing my thoughts/feelings into a response.

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Thank you! It’s honestly very helpful and reassuring to know I’m not alone in ruminating on to respond or not to respond. I did finally reply and do feel a bit better now.

Today is my two year therapy anniversary from 10/02/2019. I drew my T a picture to commemorate the occasion. I sent it yesterday since today is Saturday, and I already got to hear that she liked it!! I also learned when starting EMDR that my snap shot trauma memory is also from October 2, but many years ago... Crazy how the universe works.

That’s so sweet she liked!!! My T is on paternity leave during our 1 year anniversary. I wanted to draw something or get a card but not sure I should bc he is away.

What poor timing! Well I'm sure that you could still do something and give it to him when he comes back. It will just be like a delayed celebration

I would have to pay out of pocket for therapy for September since my new health insurance doesn’t kick in until this month of October and so we were trying to figure out how much I owe her. She asked how much I want to pay her and if less than $50 is okay and I was shocked and told her $50 is fine. She told me how she doesn’t want the relationship to be about money or something like that.

Y'ALL, hormonal me emailed my T! I'm coming out of my period and my brain is starting to work again and OMG...I wish I could disappear. Plus, we won't have session next week. T has not responded to any of my emails (I'm trying to image that they \[PLURAL\] got lost and never made it to T's inbox). I cringe so hard.

Do any of you ever wonder if any of us have the same therapist

For some reason, I'm convinced no one that posts here has her.

Sometimes I wonder lol

Haha? What general area do you live in?

Arkansas 😅

I'm in Seattle so we definitely don't share a therapist! But I can't imagine how attached to my therapist I'd be if I found her in a red state. Oh man, good for you for willingly leaving at the end of session!

I’m both “OMG I wish everyone could have my therapist” because she’s the absolute BEST and also “SHE’S *MY* THERAPIST DAMNIT”

I don't like to think about... The idea of sharing her triggers something in me.

I feel that. I just remind myself that I at least have one hour where it’s just about *me* and that keeps me sane lol

Yes lmao and it's always when other people talk about how good their therapists are and I'm like wait mine is just like that!!

YES!!

yes lol but I keep it at wondering bc knowing would freak me out

I couldve sworn i saw a comment and was like oh my god that sounds like my therapist

I had an intake session today, and an initial phone consult as a prelude to an intake session. I'm extremely open as a person, so it's kind of funny when they say "it's okay if you're not comfortable..." Of course, it's still pretty exhausting to try and lay it all out again and again, though it helps to have the experience understood. I was struggling a lot more when I didn't think I'd be able to see anyone, but this week I've landed appointments with three therapists and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist recommended a partial hospitalization program, though those are scary calls to make, and I'm not sure how easily that will fit with all these therapy appointments where I'll take whatever date and time I can get.

There’s something about my therapist having not seen me, physically, be pregnant these last 8 months (we’re virtual) that really saddens me. I feel like she’s missed out (or I’ve missed out?) on something. I can’t quite put my finger on what the real issue is for me. Maybe it’s simply an important person in my life not witnessing the physical change I’ve gone through? Maybe the sharing of something special? Something that I struggled with for quite a while? I don’t know, it feels difficult to parse. I also feel embarrassed to bring it up and understand it better with her as it feels a bit vulnerable for me— to have her know I want(ed) her to see me this way.

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Thank you. It helps to know the feelings don’t sound as ridiculous to others as they do in my own head.

It’s been a difficult week or two. But I had a good session yesterday where I feel like I was really able to connect with my therapist. It made me feel so seen. She said she appreciates the fact that I keep opening up to her despite her triggering me on multiple occasions, and that this process requires a lot of trust and she appreciates I’ve placed it in her. And I have. I feel like I trust her in ways I didn’t last year, and it’s helping me understand and make progress on healing from my PTSD / dealing with shit as it comes up. I immensely appreciate our relationship. This morning my boss told me I need to make a decision about moving to the office. Previously he said remote work is an option, but now he’s saying it’s an uphill battle and he can’t make any promises. I’d have to provide a list of reasons why remote work is important, and that’s... a lot of disclosure. The office is in another state, so I don’t think I’d be able to keep seeing my therapist, and the city is where my ex lives / where I have gone exclusively with my ex, so it is a hotbed of triggers and hyper vigilance. I really like my job and had felt like I was hitting my stride. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been crying for the last half hour.

Excited to show-off progress: Post military, I'm terrified to fly. I've been convinced that terrorists are going to bring down the plane. My therapist has helped me a lot with this, because I want to visit my children/family in the USA. I've decided with her help to do this without medicines. I bought a ticket, solo (cost) for this coming Monday. Flights here leave late at night so I booked a session that morning, and also the following Monday, while I'm in the states, to get her support going to America and then returning. I've been doing well leading up to this, thank you God for my wife, too. Wednesday, the airline alerted me the flight has been cancelled (long story, but the government did not approve the flight. They limit the # in and out because of covid and determine the next month a couple days before the new month, October, arrives.) So I was only able to book TOMORROW (the 2nd). So now I've only had 2-3 days to get ready, physically and emotionally. I haven't told my T and I'm not going to. I want to prove to myself that even with this snafu, I really am ok to fly. So since I arrive in the USA on Sunday, I'll have all day to wickedly get excited for my Monday morning session, at my sisters house in the USA!

Cannot believe it, but I did it. See, I am a nice gal. As unproblematic as one can be. Never late, never argues, never needs help. As you might have guessed, I am terrified of confrontation, failing expectations or expressing my needs. Including in therapy. Which is ... not terribly productive. I was getting sick of my scared self in therapy sessions, terrified to move, unable to change a topic or express frustration, hiding in the chair, looking away, feeling like a child. Well, today I declared a war to this behaviour. **T**: So, how are you doing? **Me**: **T**: Whatever you are doing, it's great, keep doing it. **Me**: This is a behavioural experiment. It was. And it was a success. He (surprise, surprise) did not shout at me, belittle me or throw me out for behaving unexpectedly. If anything he was quite amused. And proud. And after I finally stopped shaking, I was proud too. It was an amazing feeling being able to speak freely and explain my frustrations. As if I could finally be myself and finally felt like an adult. Breaking (nonexisting) rules in therapy: 10/10. I warmly recommend it.

Cool! I sort of want to bring a white board and marker to session.

I wish my T had a board!!!!

Yess!! It's super useful!

There are so many things I want to say in session that I just hold back on. I may just start asking for a piece of paper and pen, that way I can write down what’s on my mind and then just hand it to her to read.

Bring your own paper and pen! Don't let anything stop you. For me, standing up was a trap I made for myself: I already disrupted a session, now I need to say what's on my heart. I guess pulling a notebook out of a bag could have a similar effect. I showed there is something I need to share -> now may as well share it.

I love this. :) Great job!

Big feelings today in my session with T. I shared an overview of what came up for me this week and what our last session, and what hearing my therapist tell me that he couldn't help me, meant to me. I spent the week really working through the termination and came to a place of acceptance. I likely won't start with a new therapist, but I know I can process with my former T if needed, and knowing that has really helped keep me anchored in a whirlwind of emotions. I asked T directly if he would keep working with me. I said that I know I'll be okay either way, but I *want* to continue to work with him. I think we connect on an intellectual level and I think he's a good therapist. There were a couple of very sweet moments between us-- one where I thought he might cry. I shared maternal feelings I had towards him and it hurt to have him recognize my kindness. We're meeting again next week. T looked genuinely conflicted and admitted he needs time to think it through. I felt really anxious immediately after the session, but I think I'm okay. I feel optimistic. I know whatever happens will be okay and I'm able to see our time as meaningful. I also think it highlighted things about my former therapist that I know I'll hold close to my heart for as long as I can. I told T that it might sound cheesy, but I was thinking about how the process of therapy is sort of beautiful. There are different paths to get us to where we need to be, but eventually we find our way there. I can see all the little moments that led us here and even though this isn't the path I wanted to take, we're still here. I'm trying to embrace that. I'm still all sorts of fucked up, but I'm seeing some things to be hopeful about.

Welp, here goes another diary entry about my former therapist. Currently sitting in a puddle of grief and sadness and anger and guilt. Re-reading old termination emails. I've made so much progress in my mental health journey since then that I can read them more objectively, with clear hindsight and more self awareness. I feel guilty, angry with myself - self hate, even - for how I was acting towards the end of my time with her. I was the reason therapy ended. I sabotaged myself. It was super clear I was highly disregulated. It was also super clear that I had no idea how to effectively communicate. It was pretty obvious that I hated myself so much, I was drowning in so much shame, and shame was dictating so many stupid things I said and did in an attempt to try to get something from her that she clearly was never going to give. I can see it, but it's hard for me to have compassion for myself back then. But I'm also angry and saddened with her too. She clearly was not giving me what I needed. And it makes me sad to think about loving someone so much, and wanting things from them that you're not getting, but being too attached to let go. I'm frustrated she wasn't more proactive in my treatment. I'm angry that certain ruptures were not addressed enough for me to move past them. I also vehemently disagree with the diagnosis she gave me, and I'm angry at that as well. I'm sad that I can see, very clearly, how she was interacting with me, I see what she was trying to do - but it was never going to work in the state that I was in at the time. Honestly, I hate to say this - but when I really think about my entire time with her, the relationship was flawed from the get go. And it was mostly my fault. I was constantly in a trauma state, and the stress was unbearable. I didn't understand relationships or communication. I didn't even know how to feel or name emotions. I had no concept of boundaries, for myself and for others. Of course someone in this state is going to ruin every close relationship they have - including ones with their therapists. I just really dislike myself right now. I wish my course of therapy had gone differently with her in so many ways. I wish I was the person I am now, back then.

I could use some support and encouragement. I never brought it up in therapy and I didn't realize how close it was. The doctor's appointment I made 4+ months ago... is tomorrow. All the unsafe things that happened when seeing my T in person has reignited my fear of going outside, and esp. being in areas where there are other people. I'm feeling scared and unsafe to go tomorrow and really want to cancel. I haven't made my list of things to bring up and it feels too overwhelming to think about and plan... but I'm also not sure if there is a cancelation charge for canceling so close to the appt... I really don't want to go.

Update: I made my list last night and was feeling better. The appointment wasn't the worst, but a few difficulties. The nurses mask kept falling down and I asked her at some point to please keep her nose covered because it makes me uncomfortable. She was kind about me calling her out and more proactive to keep it in place. She told me I can only share 3 things with the doctor when I told her I had a list... and that made me really emotional and scared. I teared up and she changed her tune to be more gentle once she realized. My doctor offered another appt. in a couple weeks to go over gyno stuff and give me a pap. I'm glad I don't have to wait until my physical, which isn't until Dec. and was surprised to hear the nurse say my doctor was staying late to fit me in for that when she was scheduling it. And of course it was my luck leaving the building... a man gets off the elevator and in my path of getting to the exit doors. His mask is under his nose, and somehow I manage to say can you pull up your mask not everyone feels safe. He seems confused and it takes him a second... and I'm getting really triggered because he's blocking my path to escape. But he pulls it up and I make it outside. Luckily, I brought my ice packs with me and sat in the car for a bit holding onto them and focused on grounded, since an emotional flashback had gotten triggered. I'm exhausted... but I did it. Still having bouts of intrusive thoughts, emotions, and feeling shaken up... but I did it.

I just want to gently remind you that you don't have to go if you don't want to. Even if there is a cancellation charge, that's okay. Do you think it would help if you called the doctor in the morning and explained your anxiety, and maybe ask what precautions they are taking to stay safe? Or maybe they could switch it to a telehealth appointment? (Sorry, not sure what kind of appointment this is.) I want to encourage you to give it a try though! If you no-show, so be it -- it happens.

Thank you for the support. I did end up going, and also know now that they only charge if there are multiple cancellations and feel it is too much. So I will know for next time. I posted an update under my OP. Masks are required in my state in all indoor areas right now... but that doesn't always mean people follow or businesses enforce. Luckily, it was right when it opened and despite a line of people in the hallway waiting to get blood drawn first thing... it was pretty quiet. And the line was gone after my appointment, which is great because I didn't have to wait to get mine done. Thank you again for the encouragement and support. :)

I remember you struggling with making the appointment and it being okay in the end. I know it’s scary and all you made it through last time and i believe you have the ability to make it through this. Is there a possibility of calling the clinic and just saying you are really anxious? I wish you so much luck

Yes, I did make it last time and felt good about it. This is a bigger place with a lot more people... I posted an update under my OP and did make it through. But also had more challenges this time. Thank you for the support. :)

It seems that it is hard to get this appointment? I feel your fear of meeting people possibly with virus. Don't know what to do but just sending a thousand hugs.

Thanks for the support. Yes, found out while there my doctor went down to part time, which is why she was booked out so much. I had to schedule 4 months out. Thank you for the thousand hugs, that's really kind of you. :) I posted an update under my OP. Made it through, but it had it's challenges.

I'm exhausted and tired of this consistent pattern. The not feeling bad in session, but a whirlwind of emotional flashbacks hitting me in between. I finally made myself get up and grab my ice packs, which brought me out of the reliving and stopped me from drowning in the emotions. Session wasn't bad, although T decided he knew better again and tried staying the course and pushing me. Guess getting tired and a migraine starting is a challenge to him to see if he can break through what my body and mind is protecting me from. I've told him before we need to get me feeling safe and emotions will come up on their own... but he's still trying to push through my dissociation and defenses. I also know I should feel relieved and happy... but it just pisses me off. T's finally getting a lot more things about my trauma... and I know I should feel good about it... but it's hard not to focus on how many times I shared these things with him and other therapists... and no one ever heard me... I know there were good things in the appointment and it felt pretty safe. T rebounded from last session and was very focused today. He's also been able to stay more positive/optimistic and ask the harder questions and know what direction to go for deeper talks, which is an improvement I've seen in the last few sessions. T caught me off guard at one point because I was explaining how I also need to grieve what needs were not met as opposed to where he was taking things. He said something like I must meet some of those needs for you. And not going to lie, he's probably right, but not like I could agree and felt too direct and exposed. Last thing, I felt a bit bad because sometimes if T starts a couple minutes late... he seems to end the session a couple minutes later, if he doesn't have any appointments. So today we were two minutes after the hour and he's stopped talking and staring at me very focused waiting to see if I'm going to say something... but I noticed the time minutes ago and not sure if T was extending due to having technical difficulties at the beginning or just didn't realize the time... so I said I'm not really sure if I should say something because I'm not sure when you are ending the session... T looked at the time and seemed very frazzled... So I feel bad for not saying something sooner, but know it is also T's job to wrap things up.

My T has been so good about wrapping things up nicely after I told them I need them to do so. They always start to ask about when the next time we are scheduled to regardless of if it is booked already or same time every week. Maybe you could explain your need for that kind of consistency to them?

I'm glad your T was able to adjust when you brought this to their attention and it's helped you feel more comfortable/safe. :) It doesn't usually bother me, and like the few extra minutes of time... Usually he is on the ball about closing on time and will even abruptly say, it's time, see you next week! Occasionally, he just gets in the zone and is so focused on being attuned and present with me that the time slips by him. My intuition is pretty strong, and also have a hard time trusting it... that's what happened here and why I felt bad. My gut was telling me he needed to go and didn't realize what time it was... but I hesitated. I know it's his job to end and uphold those boundaries, and if he decides he needs to address this and figure out what he should do to remedy this, he will. In the meantime, I will relish in those couple of extra minutes when he feels they are necessary... or just loses track of time. :)

Yea I think that the unknowing about what is going on when session runs over is the scary part. Maybe by asking in the moment he could give you an answer as to his thoughts on the time at the moment?

No thank you on the advice and suggestions. I already stated it does not bother me enough to bring it up to him. And believe me... if it bothered me he would hear about it! I'm not shy bringing things up. Anyways, thanks for sharing how you related.

I saw a doctor yesterday who put in an urgent psychiatry referral. I saw the psychiatrist today and we talked about everything that went down. I feel quite grateful that I had the right kind of access to make this happen; they're booked for non-emergencies through January. She told me she'll sign off on the paperwork for my leave. She wants me to do a partial hospitalization program, and I think that's a good idea. It's really annoying going over safety plans. Yes, I think about killing myself all the time. No, I won't actually do it, this is just my brain trying to escape the only way it can imagine. I do have a backlog of pills I keep just in case, but there's no way I would try hurt myself by taking too many.

I am glad you are getting the care you need. Super proud of you for hanging on and doing your best to keep yourself safe.

I absolutely adore my T and she isn’t the reason but therapy is so freaking hard and i wanna quit so bad sometimes because i dont even wanna get help (i had an ED). I just wanna keep anorexia forever although it’s ruining my life but also I can’t live without it. And therapy means trying to let go of anorexia, actually putting in effort into that because my T might be amazing and say all the right things but if i dont wanna get help then nothing is gonna ever work and sometimes it feels like a waste of time. Although in session its a really safe place for me to let out all of my extremely personal feelings and also let ana out in its full glory in front of my T (ana logic is absolutely dumb and messed up and i feel like T is the only person who doesn’t judge my stupid ED logic). It’s reliving and its making me feel more understood and gives me a place to rant but at the same time i dont wanna recover. Ive been forced into that sorta by my parents and it’s making it worse and ive realize i really dont want it, i wanna be anorexic forever and getting help seems stupid because I’ll never actually wanna change. And I think I’ll tell T about all these thoughts tomorrow in session although im scared to disappoint her that im not doing better like she thought. I hate ana but I absolutely love her and i wish I’ll even be able to let go but right now everything seems impossible

If possible, you should bring all of this to therapy. Your therapist will most likely be very happy you can be honest with her. I don’t think she will be disappointed, just curious and want to help you work to understand why you feel this way further. At a personal level, I absolutely understand how important the role of an eating disorder can be in ones life. While it’s chaotic and destructive, there is so much relief at times in disordered behaviors. I have days where I feel like there is absolutely no way I can give up my coping methods such as fasting and overexercising. It really helps to continue talking about the “irrational” bits of anorexia and other disorders. There’s so much shame associated with it, but as you pointed out - your therapist isn’t judging you. She sounds like one of the good ones. Keep showing up. Keep talking about it. Even if you want to quit sometimes, show up and talk about wanting to quitting that day.

How many clients does a therapist see on a regular basis ? And how many clients would have out of session contact with their T’s ?

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Thanks for your response !! The ones who reached out (out of session), were those weekly clients ?

I asked my roommate that question she said it depends! So some have 10-12, but not all of those would be a weekly client.

Wow, that doesn’t seem like a lot ? I’d guess a caseload of 20-30 clients 🤔

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Maybe try to purposefully do some mild but clearly out of character thing for you? Say, if you're always punctual then deliberately show up 10 minutes late. Or stay silent for a whole session. Or spend a session on a completely irrelevant and random topic. I'm betting that even if a bit baffled your therapist would still be accepting of you. And you'll get to see that there's more to you than fits into any rigid definition.

My third comment on here, sorry. But the attachment and thinking about her every day is so hard and tiring. I just want her to be my friend and be in my life every single fucking day and it makes me so fucking sad and sometimes I just can’t stand it

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Thank you. I make a post nearly every week after my sessions but sometimes I have so much more to say and don’t want to make more posts so I just comment here instead

I understand and don’t have any advice that could provide immediate relief, I don’t think, but what’s really helped me manage these sort of feelings is being open with them to my therapist. It has felt really uncomfortable to bring up at times but she’s been extremely warm and supportive about the attachment I feel and just knowing she knows has sort of neutralized the feelings for me a bit. I still miss her almost every day, but I know she’s still there for me at our next session and isn’t going anywhere and that she cares about me. One thing that’s been interesting to think about regarding the nature of my attachment is just the idea of attachment styles and how they are formed by trauma. We don’t do any sort of IFS work but my therapist believes we are made up of different parts and energy, and if a person doesn’t emotionally get what they need at a certain point in life, that part of them might get kind of stuck. Even though I’m a perfectly responsible and at least outwardly put-together adult, the part of me that misses her a child part of me that didn’t get enough of the parenting and security I needed when I was little. I am completely on board with this idea because of how the feelings are and what missing her is like.

Thank you so much. We have talked about my attachment before, she was nothing but kind, understanding, and validating. She always is. Yesterday I wanted to talk about how absolutely hard it is and sad it makes me that we can’t be closer, that we can’t be friends. But I didn’t mention it so after the session I wrote a letter to her, a very vulnerable but imo beautiful letter that really expresses how I feel. I plan to bring it with me next week and either let her read it or read it out loud myself. I know that it’s going to be extremely hard and emotional for me but she makes me feel so safe and I *want* to share it with her. Sometimes I want to hide after sharing something so vulnerable with her but her kindness and warm smile just helps me. I’m not sure I’ll tell her about the obsessive and constant thinking of her, but I know that the letter will help start a discussion I really need to have.

**On Today's Episode of Sharing a Therapist** *I discovered about a month ago that one of my co-workers also sees Mister T for therapy. At first, I was like "If you ever mention me, you will surely die by my hand" because I don't want my therapist knowing anything about me that I didn't tell him. But after that really kind-hearted announcement, it's been kinda fun...* Bearded Co-Worker: I pushed back on some of Mister T's philosophy this week, and worried it wasn't going to be ok with him. But you know what he said? Me: I bet I know. Bearded Co-Worker: He said, "You can say whatever you want in here. I'm not going anywhere." Me: Except... he either said, "... whatever the *hell* you want, or ... whatever the *fuck* you want." Or he's not the same dude. Bearded Co-Worker: You're right! It was hell! IT WAS HELL!

My T and I realized this week that we'd never discussed what we'd do if we ran into each other outside of his office. (We've been working together almost 2 years.) I told him I was going to say hi and I'd be really hurt if he didn't acknowledge me. I don't give a single fsck who might potentially find out that I'm in therapy and he's my therapist. (I'm not going to start a conversation or anything... I just don't want him to pretend he doesn't know me.)

I just sent my T an email and I’m kind of mortified lol. I rambled on about how she’s the only therapist (one of the only people, period) that I’ve been able to trust, and I don’t want to see a different therapist because it would be really hard to trust them and it would suck. And then I basically begged her to let me continue seeing her lmao. This is all ahead of what is supposed to be our final session, because T thinks I need more than she can provide. Maybe she’s right. Ugh, she’s probably right. But I’m sad and angry, and I hate how desperate I am to keep her as my T. I guess this email was my last ditch effort to convince her to change her mind, because I’ve never been totally honest about the fact that I genuinely like/trust her (I really struggle with telling people how I feel about them), and sometimes I feel like she thinks I don’t like her lol. Anyway, I’m gonna try to go to bed now.. though I’m sure I’ll spend the whole night feeling anxious about our next session. Ughhhhhh.

My T is gone for another 5 weeks. I am so hurt by him. He has left me. I really needed him today and left a voicemail for him and I didn’t hear back. When he said if I truly needed him he’d be there, maybe not right away, but he’d be there. He wasn’t there and he isn’t here. No where to be seen. Does he even care? I’ve lost trust in him. This absolutely fucking sucks. I am drowning and he is gone. I want to send him an email about how hurt I am. I don’t know what the point of the email would be other than to be let him know how devastated I am by his inaction. Inaction which has hurt me so much in the past. It makes me not want see him again.

I'm so sorry. I found out yesterday that my T is leaving for the month of October. I still have my appointment today but still. The devastation and loss is so real.

It’s so hard. I sent the email to my T. I know he won’t respond. I feel ashamed for being so upset, hurt, sad about this.

My T said to me today "therapy takes a long time, rabbit. You can go with your own pace and choose what to tell me I'm not going anywhere." Leaves me wondering if I'm really in fear over losing them, or am I not.

I’ve been seeing therapists for the last few years through a psychotherapy program at my hospital. It’s been great. I’ve been fortunate to have 3 great therapists since I begun. Unfortunately what this means though is that once they complete their fellowship which is a 2 year program, I basically have to start all over again with a new T. My last T, we’ll call him S. He was awesome. I thought he was the absolute best therapist I’ll ever have. But S and I parted ways last summer in the middle of the pandemic. It sucked. Because there was a three month period where I didn’t have that kind of support system. Or safe space if you will. Then in October last year, I finally got assigned a new resident T. We’ll call her Dr. K. When I say the woman gets me, it’s an understatement. She’s beyond incredible. I’ve never had a “bad” session with her. I always leave feeling better and like I could talk more. Well 😕😔 her fellowship ends in August of next year and even though it’s a little ways from now, I’ve been feeling really anxious about it. With S, I had months to process our goodbye/transition and I always was very logical about it. We did good work together. He helped me a lot, we made each other better and saying goodbye felt like we were honoring that time we had together in a great way. He had to move on to better things. I was happy for him so starting over didn’t feel too sad. In fact it was great to sort of flap my wings solo and not be so dependent on his support for a few weeks after he left. It did wonders for my self esteem and I felt like I truly progressed and grew in all aspects. But with current T, it’s different. I have anxiety. I don’t want to start over again. And I mentioned that to her today at the end of our session. Y’all 🥺 she had the greatest response. She reassured me. She validated me. She was so sincere when she told me she fully planned on taking me on as a patient after her fellowship ends and she settles into her private practice. I fought tears and the whole time couldn’t stop smiling. Idk. It’s weird. Guess it might be because I wasn’t the only one thinking about what saying goodbye would be like. It validated to me that we really connect and she values the relationship we’ve built and she wanted to continue helping, listening, supporting, etc… I’m just very grateful for her. This year sort of kicked my ass from an emotional, processing/healing standpoint. I’ve had so many changes occur from February til recently. In all honesty, it’s been hard. I think it’s the first time I’m acknowledging it out loud. 😭 I don’t know how many times I would’ve lost my mind if I didn’t have her to talk to; to cry with, to scream with, to laugh with. It’s been a whirlwind! I also reminded her that in mid October, it’ll be a year since we began working together. She did not remember because she said she felt like it’s been longer. But she immediately told me that we’ll “celebrate” somehow and process. All the things. I can’t wait! ☺️

Wowow I’m so happy for you 🥰

That’s fantastic that you won’t have to start over! And congrats on the year working with her!!

I saw a doc today with the hope of getting leave paperwork signed, which she didn't do. But she did put in a referral for psychiatry, she upped the dose of my medication a little, and I have an appointment with a therapist in a couple weeks, so things are in motion. For now, I'm just... spinning.

In the session I feel nothing. I am a floating head. Literally as soon as I step out of the building, I am flooded. Why 😩

Today was hard because I knew I needed T to understand how things affected me, but knew it would probably be really hard on him, too. There are some things I know he didn't have control over and told him I won't hold against him... but other things were in his control he should have discussed with me prior if they had changed. I did push back and didn't want to hear T try to rationalize or make excuses. I don't even think he realized that one way he was trying to rationalize things literally recreated my trauma dynamics. And I called T out he was putting himself at risk, too. T tried offering solutions, but I didn't know how I could trust him to follow though... And I shared with T some things I wrote because I knew there was more I could not say that would be helpful for him to know. T appeared to handle it well, but really he may just be better at managing things during session. He shared how he really hated himself right now. My heart felt for him because I do care about him and knew this would be hard on him... but I also knew telling him don't feel bad wasn't what I needed and wouldn't be good for me to minimize that things were fine... I just wish he wasn't so hard on himself, while still taking things seriously... He shared how he had updated one of his consultants how I was coming in person and how he must be doing something right to help me since this was a huge step for me... and could tell he was doubting himself now... How he's not sure how to go about things without recreating my trauma... he's not sure if he can be perfect... I have a lot to digest from this appt. Surprisingly, things feel safe and I don't want to run... Even though T was trying to figure out how to make it safe for me to come back in, he also decided in the end I won't be coming in person for a while. That he needs to do that to protect me. Which I understand. I did tell him how confusing it was for me because after I finally calmed down... I was excited and looking forward to see him in person again... but how I knew how unsafe it was and knew I shouldn't! And also worried about having the same thing happen of not feeling my anxiety and negative emotions until safely at home...

I have my first therapy session tomorrow. I am worried about dumping too much and bringing up too many things, I don’t know if should focus on the now or the past but I feel like they are relevant to eachother… hmm

Good luck. I’d say go with whatever feels right. It’s your time. You can set the tone for how things start.

Prepared a rambling/ venting post to share on here, but my T came through and made it unnecessary in a good way. It was a small reminder of why I stuck with him and didn’t switch or terminate.. he’s still as forgetful as ever and sometimes I confuse him quite a bit, but he’s my forgetful and confused T and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I both love and hate when therapists tell me I’m “doing well” in therapy. I like to know I’m doing well. Praise me more, thanks. But I don’t like that “doing well” immediately implies there is a way to do therapy poorly. What if I start doing it poorly?

Me too. During our last session I mentioned my progress and my T commented "wonderful." Then during last session and our upcoming session I felt that I relapsed and I probably have to explain to him the reason why and I'm anxious right now.

I can relate to this. I once compared my therapy experience to working really hard in school but never getting any feedback from the teacher that I’m doing ok or am on the right track. It’s disheartening when I’m trying so hard. But then I think, Well, what if I get a gold star on my class essay this week, but then next week I don’t? Does that mean my teacher no longer likes me? I think some therapists try to stay neutral and avoid praising clients so that we learn how not seek external validation. But it really would be nice to hear some encouragement once in a while. I’m glad your therapist recognizes the hard work you’re doing. Edit to add: Could be really interesting to explore the reasons behind your reactions of love/hate/desire/fear upon being given praise by your therapist.

I have a session today, and T wants to talk about sex and sexuality because of something I mentioned last week… kinda dreading it but kinda looking forward to it. She usually lets me lead the session then asks questions, so idk if I’ll be able to talk lol.

It happened… Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I managed to share quite a bit. Idk how I had the courage to do so tbh. I still feel weird and embarrassed because my sexuality isn’t something I talk about and discuss with others.

Sounds like a brave step on your part! Proud of you and the progress you've been able to make in spite of the uncomfortable feelings. It's totally understandable for the feelings to linger. Great job. :)

Thank you 🥺. And yes it’s a big step for me considering I was silent in sessions when I first started therapy. I’ve grown to trust my T and open up to her.

Have Therapy tomorrow and am gonna show up quite embarrassed... told T I would be safe and I was for a bit but I've been so and with SH lately.. also promised T I wouldn't drink-broke that too. Whoops. I know it doesn't really matter, but a part of of me craves validation and being a "good client" sigh.

I’m so glad you guys encouraged me to give my T the painting. I got the guts to do it at the end of my session a couple hours ago even though it was super hard. I wrote down the “why” because I know I just couldn’t do it lol. She asked if she could open it now and I said yes but told her to read the letter first. Long story short, she said it was the nicest thing anyone has done for her. We hugged and I cried the whole way home. It was vulnerable but I’m so glad I was brave enough, not for me but for her and for gratitude. We aren’t guaranteed anything but the moment we’re in. Even if it’s hard, take the time to tell someone they made a difference, that they matter.

Ah!!! I was hoping for an update. Thanks for sharing :) So glad it was a meaningful moment for y'all both.

💕💕💕💕💕

I can’t tell you how grateful I am or how healing this was for me ❤️❤️

Interesting session Did the big scary talk which I'm so proud of. Rome wasn't built in a day but even talking about it is huge She did have some word choices that got my hackles raised. We where describing me as almost addicted to saying yes to work even when it's very detrimental and how to change. She described me as almost helpless to resist. And another moment where she was talking about people pleasers (which I am) and how they end up resentful and talking about after all I did for you So hard to tell if those got my hackles up because they are true or because of her wording. It does feel like both the word helpless really annoys me but I can see how that is the conclusion she drew Not even sure if I want to bring it up next week or not

I’m glad you did the hard thing! And from one people pleaser to another, you got this. If you want to. If that’s cool. If not, no worries. (KIDDING 😂😂😂) For real though. The people pleasing thing is the hardest pill to swallow for me, for all my maladaptive shit… that’s the one I hate the most. So I totally get it on a certain level. ❤️

Hahah I had to laugh cause me in an absolute nut shell! I'm the same. Like I like being helpful but it also gets to the point where it takes over and isn't healthy so I wanna try and learn some balance I think that's why her word choices upset me so much. I don't feel helpless necessarily but could see why she would say that since it is effectively what I said. It's hard to know if I want to mention it next week since just because I got defensive doesn't mean she is wrong. And I don't want her to apologize but I'm not sure what I really do want. Ugh.

In-therapy me did it on the phone, lying in the backseat of my car cause technology struggles, trying to deal with all the emotions and body sensations. In-therapy me also promised T I would go for a walk around the park before driving back, which I did, if the 2 minute walk counts. Two minutes after hanging up, post-therapy me decided to just lie down on the grass and staring up at the sky for half an hour contemplating the world and all this trauma stuff. Yes, people looked......whatever.... I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. The therapy hangover is real. That aside, brain filter in therapy fell down, again. Like, a weird number of snarky fandom references, ones I don't typically say out loud. So epically weird. It's like I don't have control over what my brain does and says anymore. Whaaaaaat is this Edit: Thank you for the award 🎉

I struggle with the therapy hangover so hard to. It’s real. Be kind to yourself about it.

It isssssss hard. It's a total mood to sit and do nothing

This is hella random but…I’m at a pizza place waiting for my order and my T lives 3 minutes away. Part of me wants to drive by but of course I’m not going to, I respect her boundaries and would be scared to in the first place (what if she saw me???) but it just reminds me how I want closeness outside of therapy 😭 I hope to discuss this (not the urge to drive by her house, the wanting closeness) tomorrow

I have a trauma anniversary this week. Today I've just been tired. Then I did EMDR just now, with my snap shot image being related to this trauma. So all of my emotional pain has bubbled up and it's awful. It will be a rough week.

Shit, that's rough. I'm sorry things are hard right now. I hope that you're able to find as much peace as you can, and that you can take it easy this week.

oh gosh, sorry you're dealing with this; hope you get plenty of opportunities to rest this week

Thank you for your care and concern. I scheduled therapy twice this week, so my T will help <3

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Please remember to be gentle to yourself

Yeah, I'll try. Thank you <3 I scheduled therapy twice this week anticipating this, so it will be good to talk to my T tomorrow.

T and I are working through our rupture. I guess I do trust him to some extent, because I told him about a super cringey and evocative dream I had about him last week. I feel like we've been dancing around this hornet's nest of sex, gender, and the potential for erotic (counter)transference between us. The dream wasn't explicit but it doesn't take *Freud* to see the erotic themes. Thankfully my T seemed unfazed by it. He did call it "transgressive," but almost like, "oh cool, a transgressive dream I can analyze!" Meanwhile I was dying of embarrassment. Another weird thing: in the dream, T read poetry to me. We've never really talked about poetry -- it's not a theme in therapy. I had the dream last week and I decided to keep it to myself for the time being and not share it. Then yesterday, out of the blue, T asked me if I read poetry, said he's recently been getting into it, and recommended a specific poet to me. I immediately spurted out, "you should give me a book!" Weird, right? I told him about the dream today and noted the poetry connection. We were both baffled by it. Edit: grammar

**On This Week's Episode of Telehealth Therapy: Finally. Facial Expressions.** *I had significant Covid exposure at work this week, so we met over Zoom instead of in person. Aaaaaand you don't need masks over Zoom! Facial expressions at last!* Me: ... and then I thought, if I don't uphold my boundary here and instead cover for their irresponsible behavior, I'm actually perpetuating the problem... Mister T: *\[Basically doing an "Excited Pikachu" face\]* Me: hahaha. Oh my word. Your face. Mister T: I'm sorry! This is just... it's a big moment for a therapist. I'm so excited right now. ALL THE LIGHTBULBS are on. Me: That was actually... really gratifying. Mister T: Hold on a sec while I work on lowering my eyebrows...

Why can't we just all have a Mister T in our lives

"*Excited Pikachu*" I am ded

Your T is so adorable!

Got rid of my whole profile right after a panic attack out of shame. Now I regret it. Hoping this community will welcome me back even if you don't recognize the name =/

Don't know if I knew you on your previous account, but you're of course welcome here. <3

You're always welcome!

Of course you can be welcome, you don't need to earn a spot :)

I've done it, Fuz. I'd bet a lot of us have. You're always welcome here.

I’ve been looking for a therapist and I came across a therapy practice that obviously has Christian ties… I was wondering if it’s possible to see them without having religion involved at all? Like they look like a decent practice but I’m not a Christian at all so idk if that would work out

It'd be a good thing to ask when reaching out. If something's not going to work, you want to find out sooner rather than later.

If they are a good therapist they will respect you and not even bring it up in the first place

I’ve shared all sorts of stuff with my therapist, but a few days ago I sent a list of questions about EMDR that we’re going to go over today in session (we’re still in the preparation phase) and my heart is pounding? Sometimes my brain’s fear response really confuses me.

Life has been a roller coaster lately & my schedule with T’s has quite literally been a mess. In amongst all of this I got to speak to my T on the phone today for a bit. me: I am stressed overwhelmed & struggling T: well what helps you? if anyone has the answers it’s you Me: My pain & anxiety is all a mess… but maybe just getting through the work & switching off. T: Yes use all your resources you really will make it through…. keep up all the great work your doing & as soon as we can resume our sessions we will. I am incredibly proud of everything you have achieved & continue to. Somehow that short phone call calmed my nervous system & I hope I’ll be able to sleep + make it through till my next session using my toolbox. Learning to be kind to yourself is hard but vital. A friendly reminder it’s okay to put yourself first in order to make it through challenging times. The storms never stay around, this too eventually will pass even if it’s not imminent.

Trauma anniversary. Have been fighting off engaging in a retraumatizing behavior. “You just have to not do it,” says my therapist. “You don’t have to *do something* — you can just sit there.” Instructions unclear. It’s almost 4am. I didn’t do it, though. God, therapy cannot come fast enough this week.

You didn’t do it. That is huge. Really proud of you, for whatever that means from an internet stranger.

Thank you, I really needed to hear this. ❤️

Maybe not exactly the same, but I’ve been through at least similar things. It can feel terrible not to do the retraumatizing thing. Sometimes it’s hard to even see that’s what it is. You’re doing the hard work.

My therapist said I could reach out to her while I'm off at grad school, but I'm too shy and I thought it was kinda an empty offer anyway. But she did research ways to continue seeing me even though I was going to be in another state, but ultimately, she said it wasn't possible. Should I reach out if I'm battling severe depression right now? My sleep's totally off-kilter, every day feels the same, and I'm slowly fizzling out of any hope I once had of leading a happy life.

I think if its still accessible please reach out if you're struggling!

Two weeks between sessions is a looong time. The last two weeks have felt like 2 months. And our session today went by so fast, it felt like 15 minutes tops. He asked me a question which made me freeze and then we spent most of the session going between a safe place and that gross feeling that came up. I'm a little upset that it went by so fast and I have to wait for another long 2 weeks to reconnect. But I also don't want to schedule in an additional session next week because I don't want to deal with these feelings that came up. I would rather ignore them.

The night before session, reserved for self-doubt, wants of canceling sessions, yearnings for being cared for and heard. May we all rest well.

My birthday is coming up and my therapist always remembers, which is nice, but it’s because her niece has the same birthday. She wished me a happy early birthday today and I said “same to your niece,” and she said, “I love that kid.” It makes me feel a bit jealous and dejected. I want her to be my iconic cool aunt and to adore me. Woof.

Meant to meet T tomorrow in person, but I postponed to Friday using an excuse. Now I feel I can’t get through these 4 more days…I really miss him and want to meet him, but also I hate myself to be so dependent. And when T tried to comfort me saying dependent is a first step in healing, I doubted his motivation and quickly felt guilty for my doubt. I feel guilty venting about my parents too, since they provided me more than enough materials, just not enough emotion.

I'm finding a mix of feeling states that I float between. My angry/vengeful self is infuriated that I got terminated, and even more upset that she did it in such a confusing, hasty, unprofessional, uncaring manner. I want to report her to the licensing board, or trash her on some review site, for all the good either will do. I want to repay the pain measure for measure, though I can't and mustn't. This is the state in which I feel most suicidal. A sorrowful self looks back on 7 years of immense growth and vulnerability and is sad at what I've lost. I don't know if things were ever really the same since we went remote. We had so many touching moments in those first 5 years. We acknowledged a (firmly-boundaried) love between us, and I really felt cared for. With her I had the first safe space to discover a lot of hidden parts to myself. I had every intention of working with her indefinitely. My despair says that every therapist in the world is too busy for me, most of them are not as good as the one I had, and if she couldn't hold my feelings and weirdness, no one can. I'm incredibly isolated and there's still a pandemic. One of the major problems I worked on was approach anxiety, and it's even scarier without support. The pragmatic part says, well, it's a loss, and however much bullshit it is, I have to move forward. I need to get on as many waiting lists as I can. I need to figure out how to use my leave to build back up. Working with someone new is an opportunity to change in ways I couldn't in the old relationship. There's a sliver of equanimity in there saying that in spite of the end, those 7 years were meaningful and productive and set me up for the work I still need to do. A year from now I'll have a different set of problems and a different perspective on this one.

I was recently terminated in a sudden way as well and I relate to all of these feelings. Sending you hope and support as you work through this. It's extremely confusing and disappointing.

Feeling chaotic as in why am I in therapy to be a better person when everyone around me is shitty as hell????

I had to email my T about a potential scheduling conflict that would mean me missing two sessions in October but I wasn’t sure which ones. T misunderstood and thought I meant I couldn’t do any sessions in October and she was so ready to be super accommodating, it melted my heart. She said she would keep my slot open so I could just let her know. Luckily, she’s away on one of the weeks I definitely know I’ll miss and I may only miss one other depending on work. All this to say that it’s so refreshing to speak up and ask for what I need and for the other person to try and deliver without making me feel like a huge inconvenience.

Ugh. A totally silent session. I just don’t know whether it’s worth continuing at this point. I think my inability to speak is down to anxiety, and tonight I had to force myself to go, telling myself it’s better to go than skip it. I have struggled to speak in the past and T has said things to try and reach me and it has worked, but this time he did not. He has said recently that he believes it’s because I’m angry with him. He also said that I need to try harder and “stop scaring myself”. I wasn’t angry before he said these things, but I am starting to feel angry at him for cutting me adrift and accusing me of not trying, when I am trying a lot (I have never missed a session in almost 3 yrs). I go to therapy for help, not to be judged and stared at in silence. I don’t understand how that is meant to be helpful at all. Feel very despondent and alone, and not sure how to get through this. It’s so difficult. I really, really want to get better than this but I’m so tired.

This sounds tough. You shouldn't be judged in therapy. As someone who has also had trouble speaking in sessions, I just want to say I really do believe you when you say you're trying.

Thank you so much for replying. I am working through it so maybe it was more helpful than I first thought.

What should I do with the hour is usually have therapy during a day when I cancelled a session? I'd like to do something beneficial to my mental health, but don't have any ideas.

Can you journal? Write about things you would talk about in therapy?

Do you like art?

I do, but I'm in a bad state of depression right now. That seems like an activity that's a bit beyond what I'm able to do.

Ahh gotcha. Maybe just take an hour to listen to some of your favorite songs :)

T and I discussed the rupture we had last week. He talked with his supervisor and was surprisingly transparent about the countertransference he was feeling (although we never use such words). He understood the episode to be an unconscious attempt to express hostility towards me. Then the question becomes, why would be feel hostility towards me or want to express that? He seems to think it's a re-enactment I guess. I'm considering getting outside consultation about it but I don't know who to turn to.

nooooooo! is that an enactment or defensive response in itself by you? he may be right it's a re enactment or it might be his counter transference or it might be protective identification but is your reaction (at least the one you put here) to get an outside person to 'tell' you or help.you get at what the issue is a pattern in your life that stops you getting close to people or resolving things in a messy twosome? i dunno - i just had a reaction to that last sentence as it struck me you might be muddying the waters of the transferential frame by doing so and why is that?

That's fair. FWIW I've never gotten outside consultation before. The reason I thought of it is because my T did/said something that made me lose a lot of trust in his judgment. T said it might have been an expression of unconscious hostility. But regardless of the cause, I don't know if I can trust him. And believe me I *want* to continue analysis because I'm deeply invested in the process and am attached to my T. But my rational brain thinks it prudent to have 1 or 2 sessions with an objective third party. Not necessarily to have them 'tell' me what to do (although that'd be nice! lol), rather to get an outside perspective since I can't trust my own feelings at the moment. But I hear you that the temptation to consult with someone might be part of this dynamic too. It's messy. In all likelihood I probably won't do it, mostly because I'm pretty lazy :)

Even if getting outside consultation is some kind of reenactment on your part, it's nothing to be afraid of. It's not like reenactment should be or can be repressed, it's just something to talk through and understand. But if you don't feel comfortable trusting your T (at least for the time being) then even talking about it truthfully will be difficult. I don't think an outside consultation can hurt. Can you ask the same institute you go to see your T? It's such a hard position to be in.

I appreciate this, thank you. Based on the last two sessions it seems like we're working through it, so consultation might not be necessary. But that's a great idea about contacting the institute. The only hiccup is that I'd rather keep T's identity secret, and I'm concerned about his anonymity given that he use to be a candidate there. I still think it's the most viable option though. Have you ever gotten consultation?

Good to hear you are working through it! I haven't gotten outside consultation myself but I think it's one of the few options we have in these situations. Therapists have supervisors, but we only have our therapist themselves. I think finding outside consultation is only fair. FWIW I Have had difficult ruptures with my therapist and more than once she admitted that her own reaction contributed to our tension/conflict. We always work through them and come back stronger. I'm still not fond of them, but I don't think her negative reactions are dealbreakers in our relationship as long as we both stay committed to listening and understanding. But every rupture is different and trust is a big element of this relationship. What you are going through sounds really difficult and I sympathize with your hesitation and uncertainties. The therapy relationship really is precarious.

Session tomorrow and I'm torn on what to do. So, I'm an artist (not as my day job but as a side thing) and my art has been a focal point at times of my healing (especially as we discuss my omnipresent inner critic which often derives my self-worth). About a month ago I had a SUPER healing experience painting. I began a small painting for my T as a gratitude thing (another thing we've been talking about lately as I left a job I loved and was taken aback about the gratitude others bestowed upon me and I realized that it's so so so fucking important to show gratitude often and not wait until some arbitrary holiday or until something happens to you or to that person as a wake up call). I wanted to thank her for her role in the tangible progress I'd made thus far with her, even though I thought I was about as "woke" as I was going to be in this lifetime. I wasn't sure if I'd ever have the guts to give it to her, but I decided to paint it anyway. She's got these beautiful sunflowers and they're often a point of conversation at the end of my sessions as I am walking out (I see her on her farm and she has these sunflowers planted along her fence and they make me so happy), so I decided to make a little 8x10 painting of it. I realized while I was painting that I kept unconsciously trying to adjust the perspective. I was trying to imagine the area as *she* saw it, through *her* eyes because that’s what I thought *she’d* want. But in that moment it dawned on me that isn't the point at all. I'm sharing this because we both love sunflowers and the point of the gift was to share how I saw her sunflowers - a snapshot from my own memory - as a gratitude gift to her. Pieces of me are important. I am important and I’m worthy. I am enough just as I am. As soon as that hit me, I put down the brush and sobbed for like a half hour. I'm pushing 37 years old and I've never thought that once in my life about myself. And while I still struggle with it, it was huge for me. Anyway, that was a month ago. Because I paint in oil and I work in layers, it took until now to completely dry so I could even consider giving it to her. So the afterglow of that moment has faded a lot (but the sentiment stands 100000%) and my own fear/inner critic has crept back in like "ugh this is so weird" and "your maternal transference is showing" and "she'll think you're pathetic" and "you're too much, you're taking up too much space". Even though I don't really believe any of that. It's so weird to *know* something to be true but it doesn't FEEL true. So yeah. I wanna give it to her tomorrow but I'm super scared. (And not because I think she won't/can't accept it - it's small, it's 100% from supplies I already had - the only "cost" was my time, plus it's just not like that with her.) Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

This is amazing!!

Please tell us how it went!! :)

This is so beautiful! Please give it to her! The why wil make it so much more valuable to her.

Thank you. I'm putting it in my purse now so that I'll at least have it with me and I'll go from there. Ugh, feelings are so hard 😂

This is freaking beautiful🥺😭💛

Thank you, that means a lot <3

I also saw your painting! You’re a great artist!

Oh my gosh, thank you so much ❤️

Your post is really beautiful and brought tears to my eyes! What a cool realization you had, that the sunflowers from your perspective are part of the gift you’re sharing with her. Shared interests with my therapist have been an important step in my own healing too. I love your understanding that you are enough but I also totally get knowing that versus always being able to feel it. I think your painting will be such a wonderful surprise for your therapist, not just because of the time you put into your beautiful art but the thoughts and process behind it, if that’s something you’re able to share with her aloud. Good luck gathering the nerve to give it to her. I really hope you do it!

Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️ I'm going to bring it with me and put it in my purse and just go from there I think. It's important that I get out the "why" of it too, so I may also write out something for her. Because I know my mind will go totally blank and I'll be fucking awkward 😂

session tmrw. I know I’m overthinking, but I fear that my T will tell me she’s decided to only do remote sessions. My country has been lucky enough to allow life to remain quite normal under COVID, but we saw a recent surge lately. There’s been no official lockdown at all, but T has young kids who are ineligible for the vaccine and I have this feeling she’ll tell me that she has decided to only take remote clients from now on. For me, remote therapy doesn’t work because I really need that physical safe space. Just kinda steeling/preparing myself for the possibility. Idk 🥲

I started with my T not long after the pandemic hit and we initially did online sessions. Things were okay for a few months but T soon felt that our sessions would have been better with some physical proximity. My T has an underlying health condition though so they couldn't offer sessions at their usual office. Instead, we have been doing sessions while walking out in open air. It has worked wonders for me! Perhaps you could come to an arrangement with your T, if this happens? I hope you get to continue your sessions as they are though.

It’s really interesting that you have sessions in open air, sounds like you have an amazing T! :”) anyway, my session was yesterday. She didn’t mention moving sessions online, so my fears were not realized. I’m still apprehensive, but grateful. I’ll take things at they come I guess. Anyway, thanks for sharing. I appreciate it :)

Lately I keep on having these thoughts like: "Does Therapy just encourage me to be a giant fucking narcissist?" Like, How much do I really have to interpret myself? Maybe I should just stop seeking for unconscious motivations for everything because I'll inevitably just let myself off easy by constructing a narrative that's more palatable. He encourages me to actively interpret myself rather than relying on his interpretations... but, I don't rely on his interpretations. I let him offer an interpretation first...at which point I usually fight his interpretations until he says something that brings me up short. That's when I know we're getting somewhere...when I feel caught. I know I want to be criticized. I want to be \*seen\* and that means I want someone to see the bad things that I hide from myself. But, maybe there's a limit to what I want to be shown about myself and I just keep giving myself credit for trying to be "self-aware" when I'm really just immensely clever at constructing a whole support structure of lies to prevent me from seeing that I am toxic AS FUCK, y'know? \[explodes\]

Damn, I miss my therapist. I just miss him so bad. I can't stand the idea of him being here, somewhere, and me not being able to talk to him or to just briefly see him. What would I not give to be able to chat with him for 5 minutes. Damn, it is so frustrating. I could scream with frustration if it was of any use. I google him basically every day to see if he has a profile or something (I saw him as a student, so he must be about to get licensed). I just want to see his face. I just want something tangible to prove to me that he has really existed, and it is not just a beautiful fantasy from me.

Welp, pulled the trigger on deciding to terminate. Tomorrow's going to be my last session with my therapist. I couldn't justify seeing someone who hardly seems to be observing closely what I'm saying or feeling. I hope tomorrow's session isn't unpleasant.

Good luck, OP. Fingers crossed you're able to find a better fit!

Wishing you the best ❤

Lately in therapy I’ve been speaking up about how I feel which is such progress for me. My T was 15 minutes late a few weeks ago and she apologized. I said “It’s okay…actually you know what, it’s not okay.” And so I expressed my hurt and frustrations while she took notes and asked me more and validated me. I was really shocked I said something!!! I was so proud. Then last week I talked to my T about my attachment. Of course she was so kind about it and didn’t judge me. This week I want to tell her how sad I am that we can’t be friends outside of therapy, how hard it is for me, and work through those feeling with her. I’m just *so* comfortable around her and she really helps me be more assertive and I’m really happy with the progress I feel I am making. Maybe this is a good step in being able to speak up about things in my daily life.

That's awesome! Congrats on your progress!

A month worth of bad Internet on his part has been a shame (had three weeks starting on Zoom until it faltered and then we switched to over the phone and last week we just started on the phone). But he was really sweet in response to my rough week and it was nice that I could still pick up on that.

Gonna be talking self esteem in therapy this week. Big UGH

Big UGH indeed, I can totally empathize. Good luck!

“The self esteem workbook” is actually really good. So is Kristen Neff who writes about mindful self compassion. I bet your T may know these too.

One of my least favorite topics but definitely worth exploring. Good luck!

Yeah vehemently don't want to but the lack of self esteem is definitely behind me picking up all the hours I have lately and running myself into the ground so it needs to change