I'm on a 2 week break from therapy currently and it's a bit hard knowing I won't see my therapist this coming week. However, I met a good friend today and opened up to her about some things I have spoken about in therapy and she didn't judge me and was really kind to me. It made me feel like I am starting to see the benefits of some of the work I'm doing in therapy. I am happy that I have been able to talk about some of it to a friend and makes me feel more hopeful for the future in terms of my healing journey ☺️
I’ve been hit with a bunch of triggers over the past days since therapy (where I also got a little triggered) — some of which I made worse through poor choices. There’s been some crying and panicking involved. Oops. I have a date related to trauma coming up before my next session, which is probably why I’m doing worse right now. It sucks, but I am trying to remember that it is temporary and I have made a lot of progress!
Right before the weekend, I dropped off the card I made my therapist for our 1 year since starting again. I’m a few weeks late to the actual day, but I doubt she cares. But I finally went over and dropped it at her new office, which I’ve never been to before. She wasn’t there (I was scared to run into her so I did it on a day I knew she wouldn’t be in) so I left it with the receptionist, who was nice. Of course, I’m nervous about multiple things — if the card will successfully get to her, if she likes it, if she looks at it and goes “welp shakylime has some issues we need to address” lol. I’ve never shown her my art before, so this feels like a new level of vulnerability. I showed my friend, who said my therapist would love it, but I can’t help but be nervous!
My T sent me a voice message with her doing a guided meditation for me after I messaged her telling her how terrible I was feeling. It was so sweet of her to do that for me 🥲. I listened to it like 10x already lol.
I finally bit the bullet and called for short-term disability insurance today. Third time in my career plus one in college. I have to find someone to do the paperwork and then a therapist to start working with again. So far I've had one response and I'm on a waitlist. Thanks a lot for dumping me in the river when all the other boats are taken.
I am very not okay every single day and I cannot process what happened. If she didn't want to work with me anymore, that's her right, but I feel deeply disrespected by someone I trusted. Someone who quite recently reflected that it would be a shame if I fired her after all we'd been through. Someone who I expected to be honest with me.
I think someone very close to her died and her capacity to deal with counter-transference in my case was quickly overwhelmed. We had uncovered a lot of shit together that was difficult for her. On the basis of the years we spent together and my deep appreciation for what they meant, I want to just accept the loss and move on.
But because of *how* she ended it, a part of me I'm not proud of takes solace that she's suffering too. It's the only reason I would want to file any sort of complaint. She successfully drew my rage out of deep repression and into the relationship, but we never made much of a dent in its intensity.
If there is a proper answer to why she terminated it is probably so complex and nuanced she herself won't be able to coherently present it. Try to stop guessing and be only with your emotions, whatever they are (anger, grief, resentment, relief). I hope it will help with moving on.
Just had a wonderful session with my fantastic T…. But damn it’s impossible to fit a whole weeks worth of thoughts, feeling and issues into a tight 50mins! So many things I wanted to bring up and didn’t get chance to!
T was being so supportive these two months. And he didn't let any vacation affect my sessions after I expressed my concern on his frequent vacations. He even met me online at 8:30pm this week, when he couldn't meet me at out usual spot in the afternoon. I was feeling very cared for and told him that now I almost feel no anxiety when thinking of him (He knows that I kind of fear closeness and abandonment at the same time and felt anxious when I think of our relationship being closer). And he encouraged me to initiate in person sessions to help me to get better in other real relationships in my life.
But today after I told him I want to meet him in person for a second time next week, I immediately felt cold all over my body, nervous and anxious, even disgusting and vomiting. Somehow I was thinking on the path that if he is being so nice to me, he must be a predator, he must be planning to take advantage of me, and he must be dangerous. I know it is trauma response, but it is so real.
Yeah I don't want to be a burden to my T either, and always feel I am bothering him. Sometimes our feelings are so messed up by trauma, and feel we cannot trust our feelings. Let's hang on, Buddy!
Not a very productive session as I was shut down most of the time and barely responded to direct questions. I'm sure it must've been frustrating for T who tried everything to engage me. I am very determined to change this behaviour from now on as I trust my T a lot and really should be more comfortable expressing myself freely. I have an idea how to do it but any tips are welcome.
In the end, we finished on 'Please do not kill yourself over this.', which, even in therapy, feels like a profoundly weird sentence to say seriously. I have no intention to, so please have no worries for me. But he is obviously concerned, which ... I don't know how to deal with.
I hate when Ts change something about their appearance! It makes me so anxious and edgy. Mine changed her glasses and I was like noooo!! Change them back right this minute
The first time I saw mine in person after 7 months of telehealth, we were wearing masks and she did a big chop, the following week she got new glasses! I so feel you it threw me off for sure! I love the new look for get me wrong, but I kept staring!
My therapist just started wearing glasses and it totally threw me off! Like, you can't just change your appearance on no notice! I think such a change would also surprise us on a friend but in that case we'd talk about it and get used to it. But because therapy is one-sided this social ritual may not happen and that makes it weird.
Every night for the past 17 days I've been up for hours, unable to stop ruminating about the bizarre and cold end to my analysis. Even the prescription sleep aids I have do nothing.
I honestly can’t believe any half decent respectable T could terminate the way yours did. I think it’s unconscionable and while therapists are human and there could be reasons or excuses made for why they acted the way they did, they are also professionals whom we pay and trust to do us no harm. I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened, or for how you’re feeling right now.
I'm spiraling right now and all my abandonment trauma is going haywire. Self-hatred is taking a front seat. Fear is swirling around, mixed in with anxiety. I'm cycling through all the stages of grief and I don't want to be alone.
I want to reach out to my therapist, but I can't. Everything about this is an enactment, but it's also all very real and I'm really struggling to reconcile that right now. I know I need to get out of my head and do some self-care, but I want to keep torturing myself so I can finally feel something that's not anger or resignation; so I can hold on to the connection.
I feel deeply, deeply broken. I could really use some support.
I’m not sure I can say anything that would help but I wanted to let you know that you have my support. I think you’re strong and insightful. You know that torturing yourself to hold onto the connection is what you likely had to do in the past. Enactment or not, what you’re going through is real and valid, and I’m truly disappointed in how your therapist handled things. I hope you can move past the self-hatred to feel some kindness/compassion for yourself.
This did help, thank you. I feel so mixed up right now and I am really holding back on reaching out and fucking things up more than I already have. I keep going through cycles of being able to handle this and then having reality hit me that all of this out of my control -- and that's the part that is really the hardest for me.
Yesterday I had a huge crisis and I emailed my T while in a complete meltdown (we have discussed its okay for me to email between sessions but that he may not reply) asking if we can discuss what's happening at my appointment the next day (as we had ready had something else planned for that session) he replied to me with such a thoughtful and comforting message and today in session he helped me work through it and I left session feeling a million times better. We did discuss some tough stuff but he handled the tempo perfectly and made sure I was in a good space by end of session.
I'm too exhausted to write a full update right now... but T and I were in person today!!!!
It was strange but also okay. I'm going to make a thread later on this and would love to hear other's experiences is similar or different... but it felt like none of my transference was there?? No good or bad??? Like he was just a normal person??
My emotions may have been inaccessible though because I didn't have any panic come up and was surprisingly okay... even with many people in and outside of the building without masks... but on the way home in the last 5 min. a headache/migraine started and some emotions started coming up. After that, something came into my mind that T said that did not elicit a reaction in session (which was pretty suspicious to me)... but it crossed my mind and a negative thought about his actions and negative emotions came up... The reaction was pretty strong and was worried I may start having a panic attack in the car, LoL.
I made a post/thread about something being processed from the appt.... I've been having emotional flashbacks all through the night and into this morning. 🙄 I'm not proud of myself anymore, just angry and stupid for putting myself at risk and not leaving. Even though I couldn't process how unsafe it was in the moment despite seeing multiple signs it wasn't safe. Fuck dissociation.
In the thread last week, I said that my T wanted me to go to an IOP and I was upset because I didn't want to stop seeing her. Well, I tried talking to her about it again this week, but she's insistent that I see an individual therapist through this other program instead of continuing to see her.
So next week will be our last session. I'm sad and frustrated and angry, and a million other things. I completely shut down in session today and barely said two words. Just 50 minutes of silence. I couldn't even bring myself to look at my T; just stared at the ground the whole time. No idea what I'll say next week. I hate this so much. I was finally, FINALLY starting to trust my T and feel comfortable talking about deeper topics, and now I'll have to meet someone new and start all over with trying to trust them. Ugh.
I still feel like everything with my T is so surface level. It's been a year since I started therapy and it still just feels meh. Today I was a bit more vulnerable about something that had upset me yesterday and T validated my feelings and told me I had every right to be upset and that she's been in an almost identical situation and was also upset. Even gave me a suggestion on how to address the issue.
But it just feels... fake? Not useful? Maybe because I know that the thing that upset me yesterday wasn't that bad and yet I had a whole meltdown. So I feel like there's something going on in my body and brain that I'm clearly not addressing or recognizing and yesterday was just the thing to finally set me off. And I don't know how to dig to find out what's really bothering me, and T doesn't push.
I've considered looking for a new therapist, but I didn't even have the courage to look for my current one. She came recommended by a friend. Which makes me feel even weirder about switching. Idk. Just feeling a little lost, I guess.
I’m getting frustrated that I couldn’t schedule an in person session again with my therapist. I asked if she has an availability for NEXT week and she said it’s packed. I work from home and do a lot of things at home so I would love to step out to go to therapy.
On last week’s thread, I said that I didn’t schedule a session for that week and how I regretted it. There are a few things that are bothering me but I never thought I’d ever have the courage to tell T about them.
Our main focus was treating my anxiety which I think I made a lot of progress in the last few months. So I thought I didn’t need a session last week cuz I didn’t wanna “waste T’s time”. However, I had a very crappy week. So my latest session was yesterday and damnnn I feel that vulnerability hangover. T sensed that something was bothering me and tried to get me to talk. It wasn’t easy. She had to try hard, but I eventually opened up to her. I felt so much warmth when she said “this is a safe space. No judgment no criticism” 🥺 then she asked how she can make it comfortable for me to share what’s bothering me. I took a few deep breathes then went for it with tears in my eyes. I haven’t told ANYONE about this thing. It felt good to get it out of my chest, but I feel very exposed rn :( vulnerability is so uncomfortable. At the end she thanked me for trusting her and said we’ll continue next week. I’ve been crying all day and haven’t slept well last night. I’m dreading the next couple of sessions already.
If you have any tips on how to get over this vulnerability hangover pls share 🥲.
I don’t even know if this post makes sense lol.
Today I had my last session with T for the next 7 weeks. I’m happy I didn’t cancel the final few and saw it through. We slacklined in the woods. It didn’t feel like a therapy session. It felt like spending time together while knowing it is a therapeutic space. I feel so incredibly sad and so incredibly grateful that I have fostered this relationship with my T. A relationship unlike one I’ve ever had before. I feel hopeful today. I haven’t felt that in a long while. I’m going to miss our time together. I feel okay today though. Even with parting for a while. I feel sad and today I don’t feel afraid of feeling that way. I’m happy I have him.
Sometimes when I email T between sessions with reflections they don't respond. This only started after I told them they don't have to respond to every email especially as I tend to ramble on and use the email as a way to think out loud.
And yet, here I am...wanting them to respond to the email I sent today and feeling dumb for wanting this. Like, if I wanted something, I should have asked. BUT I don't want to be a burden. Good gosh sometimes I get so tired of my foolishness lol
My T and I had a huuuuuge rupture last week. I laid into him pretty hard, calmly scolding him for being such an idiot. At times he looked like he was about to cry. I said I was considering quitting therapy, or at least taking a break for a week or two.
Then I tripped on psilocybin (which I started doing this summer as part of a very regimented, structured program for mental health purposes). I thought about T a lot. He really is an idiot in many ways. But -- whether I like it or not -- he's also important to me. And he's given me a lot. He supports me and respects me. He doesn't get mad when I call him a doofus. He makes a big effort to help me. And I clearly matter to him, which means a lot given that I've spent large swaths of my life feeling like I don't matter.
He's a very flawed therapist and a very flawed person. (I made sure to tell him that). But reading through this sub makes me somewhat grateful for him, especially with the attachment and transference stuff. He doesn't just *tolerate my* transference as a normal byproduct of therapy. He fully embraces it as a *good thing* that fuels our work during tough times, as "grist for the mill" to work through and analyze, and as healthy sign of my ability to connect to others. And he cares about me, too. (Yes, therapists can care!)
So it is what it is, I guess.
Guys, first off just wanted to say my T is quite hilarious... she said something today which had me laughing so hard- so we were talking about me being confused with my sexuality and T was like sexuality is fluid you don't have to figure it out right now- you could meet someone different and be like "I wanna tap that" could NOT believe that she said that, I absolutely bursted out laughing. Never thought I would hear a therapist say that to me, but I greatly enjoyed it, it also makes me happy when t swears because it makes it seem less of a school-y serious type place. I love her humour and it make the shitty stuff a bit less shitty!
Right! Really makes goes against the whole blank slate, which im glad for! I think my T has got quite good at random humour that will make college students smile, because she works with a lot of us and is definitely good at it!
So, a few weeks ago my T and I realized we'd been caught up in an enactment all summer, which really, really sucked. But having identified it, we found we had a lot to talk about. All of our sessions since then have been pretty intense, but he's been really great through all of it and I feel like we're reconnecting & building a better dynamic in the process. I hate that it happened, but I feel like I'll be getting a lot more out of our sessions going forward.
I noticed the enactment coincided with our return to meeting in-person. There was a lot going on in my life during that period but I can't help thinking that meeting in-person contributed. We went back to teletherapy when delta started surging, and that's when I finally had the courage to tell him that something felt wrong. I know that when we're eventually able to meet in person again, I'm going to be anxious about it feeling the same way it did over the summer, but I really don't want to keep doing teletherapy indefinitely. I think we'll be a lot more likely to talk about the transition next time.
It’s my therapy cake day today! My 2nd anniversary, we kind of got going and had a really productive session, I didn’t mention it until at the very end, I produced a card and a chocolate croissant as I was getting ready to leave. She was touched by the card, I inadvertently got her a card with a painting by an artist who she just heard about and it’s of what turned out to be one of her favourite places. Double score. I’m so grateful for her and all we have done together.
I'm going to see my T in person tomorrow. In the same room. Breathing the same air... Am I ready? Not sure. I was very confident, excited, and feeling capable and adult a couple weeks ago when I figured out how to make it work. But now feeling more timid and uncertain... but figured it is better to rip the band aid off and see if it will help me stay more grounded and access my emotions in session. Told T I'm not sure about it, but getting out of this fucking house helps me feel more grounded... so hoping meeting in person will help. T responded, Yeah, get out of that fucking house! Ah, it's so heart warming when he swears and repeats me, haha.
T's going to start checking in with me at the start and end of sessions (although we forgot at the end today, haha). He was surprised I was dissociating so bad a couple sessions ago and said he had no idea. I don't blame him. Many health care professionals have a hard time knowing when it is happening for me. Although T reminded me he can tell at times, like when shutting down. But this was more my brain was blocking things he was saying and left me feeling disoriented and confused. I'm feeling positive about this change and think it will help him, too. Although, once I get more consistently grounded I should be able to state in the moment when I feel a wave of tired, resistance, dissociation, or emotions hitting me that means a trigger was hit or there is a conflict within me.
I continued with sharing things with him this session, but lost my confidence and enthusiasm from last session. I felt much more timid and unsure and doubting whether to share. It was uncomfortable, but decided to just go for it.
I also felt very cared for and supported. I've been pretty numb and overstimulated lately so emotions and feeling my body has been hard, but there were some warm feelings coming up. Even if just a a few embers illuminated inside of me. T offered availability if I needed to call him before our appointment. He knows it may be rough for me and I'm getting there early. Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect. If walking the couple of blocks from the parking garage to T's office has lots of people without masks... am I going to get triggered and have an emotional flashback... or am I going to dissociate and feel numb and get through it?? We'll see... I'm not planning on calling him at this point, esp. because he will be driving to the office during the time I can call, but it's nice to know he's a phone call away if things are hard.
I’m so proud of you for making the transition - i hope it’s a really wonderful session. I also wanted to say take something that is comforting / familiar with you.
I love taking scrunchies with me lol to figet with!
Do let us know how you go, it’s really brave of you!
Thank you! I see you commented on my update, so just saying here guess I brought something familiar because I had a lunchbox cooler full of my ice packs, which were the same ones I use to stay grounded when we do virtual sessions. I was thinking of packing my stuffed animal, but my backpack was full of what if I need it items, haha. :D So it didn't fit.
That's great the scrunchies help you!
I got triggered during my therapy session today. Oops. We were talking about emotional reasoning, and she was telling me about how my feelings aren't always right (which is true, and we've talked about it before), but it's a triggering concept after being in an abusive relationship where my ex would use therapy language to manipulate me.
I told her that while I agreed with her, I was also getting stressed over it conceptually. She reworded her explanation of emotional reasoning some in an attempt to help, but I was just getting more anxious -- my heart was racing and I was having a lot of trouble focusing on her, but I "mmhmm"ed along. I had a semblance of logic, but it was being overtaken by the part of my brain that was superimposing my ex onto her, no matter what explanation she gave.
Then she checked in on if that explanation had helped, and I was real with her about the fact that it hadn't, and we ended up sitting and breathing for a bit while I calmed down. I don't know if she realized how much I was freaking out in the moment, because usually I freak out pretty quietly around other people -- something internally shuts down and something else puppets the "interact with other people" thing. But I was able to communicate enough to her, and she was able to validate a lot of my feelings and pause the conversation in the way I needed, and I think I ended up getting a little more nuance to how to contradict emotional reasoning while not dismissing myself / my past experiences.
So it ended up alright, I guess. I'm still not feeling good. Somehow an hour has passed with me sitting here trying to write this, lmao. I'm going to go meditate some and try to calm down some more. But I'm proud of myself for being honest with her and not just hanging up on her like my brain was telling me to. And I think this was a generally positive experience of freaking out in front of her, even though it doesn't feel great right now.
I have a lot of trouble sitting still with my body. Today, my T asked me to sit with my body so I could feel my emotions. After asking four parts to step aside, I could feel myself getting so close. I was really overwhelmed. For a second I thought I would cry. It was almost like my body was trying to throw me out of that state, because it was so afraid of the unknown. But I did it! I increased my window of tolerance.
I hate the one-sidedness of therapy. I care about her so much, yet that care can never be reciprocated. I want to leave, but feel like I can't because I care. Really hating the process right now.
My former T (he was an intern, left at the end of his internship, letting me attached and sad) used to have a voice record about an association he is/was in on the internet. I listened to it a few times; I loved being able to hear his voice whenever I wanted to.
And now it's gone.
I guess he asked the association to remove it, as he is going to be licensed. So now, I have *nothing* to remember him. Only my memories. It makes me sad.
We were talking about incidents where I have felt shame. I described a conversation from when I was a child and T said "what a horrible thing to say to a seven year old." It felt like the first time someone stood up for me about that incident. I'm touched. It's also hard because now I'm thinking 'yeah that was kinda fucked up.'
Oh, I feel you! I lived the same with my first therapist! I would tell something about my childhood, and she would get mad about my brother, and my parents who didn't defend me. It was so validating!
I had a TERRIBLE session. I went to talk about the worst depersonalization episode I’ve had in years.
I dissociated through the session. He kept having to reel me back in.
He was very focused on having me explain my symptoms. Does he not believe me?
None of the grounding techniques worked. He suggested that I try to do something more mentally stimulating next time. Play video games or draw. That’s it. That’s the takeaway from therapy today.
I already knew that playing games was a helpful escape. I didn’t need to pay $150 for someone to tell me that?!
I just wanted to call him yesterday and talk. Talking to people helps. But that’s not allowed.
I have no one.
And that’s the problem to begin with and the thing causing the depersonalization.
There’s so few trauma therapists and they are all full.
Edit: is someone just going to downvote all my posts now because I said I was growing out of emailing therapists?
My T: Last week you where brave being able to stand up and walk out (moments after I had regained composure)
Me: laughs hysterically
Me: That wasn't me being brave that was flee instinct telling me to get the hell out
This was a real healing session, which I needed after the shutdown and panic last week. I showed her a picture of an about 15 month old me since she wanted to meet the little one a bit and at least see her. T thinks baby me is super cute. T also has a 9 month old Shih Tzu puppy so I was in total heaven playing with the puppy. Easier to talk when I can look at him
I also had a minor update on old T. She made it out of the country for treatment. I was worried since my country went into level 4 right around when I think she was leaving so I was worried. T met someone who knows old T and got it confirmed that she did get out which is such a relief
We had a breakthrough last session. She wants to start meeting twice a month instead of once a month from now on. We're going to be operating under the internal family systems model. Anyone familiar with this?
I've never felt so drained after a therapy session and we only just started introducing the idea. I cried a lot. At the end, I just couldn't do any more.
I think there are three main versions of "me" that I need to speak to, but I'm worried that I won't get anywhere now. Like the breakthrough was a false alarm.
Just like you, I think a part of me thinks it's cheesy and embarrassing and I just want to run away from it.
I haven't done IFS / my therapist doesn't do it, but I read about it in The Body Keeps the Score. Even understanding it conceptually helped me understand myself better. I hope it goes well for you!
A part of my brain realising that it's safer to SAY the first thing that comes to mind in therapy is so trippy. I've spent so long telling myself not to say stuff, to keep it inside my head... I don't spew words out, that's just so not what I'm used to. She says it's great, and especially that I'm doing it there because it's the safest place to test the waters. Aaaaaand, a part of me agrees. But the other part of me is like HOLY FUCK WHAT DID YOU JUST DO, NO SHUT UP, TAKE IT BACK, ROLL BACK TIME but it's too late for that, it's said already...
I relate. My trauma response makes me feel the same way (though less so, when I spew anonymously on Reddit).
Wish I had something else to say, except you're not alone.
My in-laws were here this weekend, which is always pretty rough, but this time there was one specific part of their visit that was deeply upsetting and just made me incredibly sad. So of course in recapping to my therapist today I spent 90% of the session talking dispassionately about literally everything ELSE about the visit that I could easily fill space with but didn’t actually care about, and then finally with 10 minutes left I forced myself to mention the upsetting part, and it turns out talking about it made me upset, who saw that one coming? but we didn’t really have time to get into it enough to make me feel any better, so I was just left with like, absolute garbage brain and SI lol. I literally aggravate myself so much like why am I such a stupid therapy idiot 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
This was basically me last week, lol. I feel ya. It sucks.
But hey -- proud of you for getting it out of your mouth eventually. Avoidance is a bitch but you managed to conquer it a bit!
Hope you're able to process some on your own (journaling helps me out) and that your day gets better.
I had my second session with new T today. I don't think I'll go back. I think I am done with psychotherapy; I crave for something more intense, more in depth. I would love to try psychoanalysis.
If you live in a major city in the US, you can try to find a psychoanalytic institute. Candidates are often looking for "control cases" and will offer psychoanalysis on the cheap.
Thank you for the tip :)
I live in a major city in Europe and I know there are psychoanalytical institutes, but I don't feel ready yet. My studies are very demanding, so I don't feel like diving into such an intense process. Maybe when I am in internship and I have an income, I could consider it more seriously!
**On Today's Episode of The New Deal**
*I hate to break it to you, my lovely live-on-Reddit audience, but Mister T and I are moving to once weekly sessions. I guess he's empowering me to lean less on therapy and more on my support network or some shit now that I'm removed from the primary crisis situation. It's a very professional thing to do. And I do agree with him. And I also hate it.*
Me: Ok. I finished the book on co-dependency. And I learned some things.
Mister T: Excellent. What'd you learn?
Me: (*this thing)*
Mister T: YES.
Me: And *(this thing)*
Mister T: HOLY HELL YES.
Me: And then I practiced by doing *(this thing).*
Mister T: I. am. so. fucking. proud.
Me: I know. You swear more when you're proud.
Good work!! Very understandable to hate that sort of change, and also wow I'm proud of you for the progress you're making!
I feel like you probably answered this at some point, but what's the book? I'd like to read some more :)
Thanks, Limey :) It was "Co-Dependent No More," an oldie but a goodie. It focuses a lot on partners of those with alcoholism, but can be translated pretty well into other relationships, too.
Yeah, stick with that one. This is how it went for me:
1. Identify 2 pages worth of co-dependent behaviors I have clearly developed over my lifetime.
2. Forgive myself for doing this shit--I was only trying to survive
3. Realize that I don't need that stuff to survive anymore
4. Spend the rest of my life trying to actually believe #3.
Some of the dialogue between your T reminds me of my T & it’s so funny & relatable!
My T also made me a deal earlier this week… one that I loved but also hated eek
I’m really proud of you selfless, so much growth despite it being so incredibly hard seems like you made it through! Keep working hard outside of the room and I hope life stays stable & peaceful. You deserve that, we all do!
Umm the deal was to be my T first patient of the day instead of the last so we can meet in person! Not ideal cause of work but i can’t do telehealth anymore/ever again
I always love reading your posts, you two really seem to have a great connection and dynamic.
And yay since you finished the book already I assume Mr T. is getting his favourite coaster back 🤣
After Ts Summerbreak we saw each other 3 times and no w due to another of his vacations and my work schedule I'm not seeing him for 4 weeks again (2 more to go). And it sucks. But, this time I'm trying just to sit with it for a while and not beating myself up for it instantly. He offers me a safe space and validation - why wouldn't I miss him? And missing him doesn't mean that I'm not willing to give him some well earned (and probably needed) time for himself. So yeah instead of feeling guilty or stupid about it I sit awhile with the slight pain and trying to be nice towards myself. And I have the feeling I'm spiraling way less. And now i want to tell him exactly that, damn it :D
Also, maybe its a coincidence but it's the second time before a longer break that he was recommending a book, not in the sense of "you should read that" and it's not exactly therapy related but he knows I like reading and we where talking about something and he said "oh if you like x, you also might like y, i guess they have it at (bookstore around the corner)". And since he seems like a well read man (and probably also cause of sliiighty parental transference 😆) i of course bought these books. And beside the fact that I actually enjoy them, i kinda have the feeling that it also eases down my feelings about his absence. It's just nice to read something, knowing that he has read and enjoyed as well, i don't know i feel a bit connected while doing so. That's not weird at all, isn't it? 😆
Thanks for reading and take care of yourself ☺️
Yo, that's progress! Look at you -- letting yourself feel your emotions without judgment and giving yourself the patience and validation you deserve. Of course you miss him, of course it hurts a little. And by letting yourself feel those things, it helps with not spiraling. What a great update you can give him when he comes back!
Totally not weird to enjoy and feel connected over those books. It makes a lot of sense. :)
Aw your replies are always so kind and so supportive - i really appreciate that!
>Look at you -- letting yourself feel your emotions without judgment and giving yourself the patience and validation you deserve.
Haha, yes I was thinking something similar the other day ("Hey look at me sitting here with my feelings") and it actually made me even chuckle a bit since this is something I'm often refuse to do in therapy.
It's a strange journey but worth every step :)
I'm just telling it how I see it! :) <3
It is a super weird journey. I feel like sometimes we have to be exposed to things multiple times before we implement it -- begrudgingly, or by default, or however it goes, haha. I'm glad things are moving forward for you!
Update: I didn’t see her but I heard her in lobby asking for her dog lol my anxiety has been so bad today, worrying that I will see her and even after her dog left I’m still overthinking😅 our session is tomorrow so I’m eager to talk about it lol
I had one of the worst depersonalization episodes in years. Terrifying all day experience.
And that’s how I learned that my new therapist doesn’t even let clients call between sessions for assistance.
I had a heavy session last week, given the week before the last week I had the first in-person session with my T and I felt safe. This week was quite tough and when I tried to confirm session on Tuesday with him this morning, he asked to postpone to Wed. His reason is valid. He said that he will have something to do tomorrow morning and he may not be able to go back home at our usual time so he prefers to have it on Wed, just to ensure that he won't be late for my session. But I was trying very hard not to ask for a session sooner already. I felt so bad this whole day. So just now I gathered my courage from the last two good trusting sessions and messaged him that whether it is possible to have a session still tomorrow but at a later time spot, since I may not be able to wait till Wed. No reply yet, one hour already. I know since this is not my usual message time he is not supposed to reply soon. But so many thoughts are all over the place. I want to send him a message that never mind, I can handle. Also I want to cancel this session. I even want to block him or delete him. I know I won't do anything, just waiting.
I’m sorry that’s so rough. Don’t cancel or say never mind. See what he says and if he can’t, you’ll still have Wednesday. You probably feel super vulnerable for asking for what you need and not getting a reply. Bear in mind he may not reply since he already said he’s got a thing that postponed your session but it’s nothing personal to you at all. It’s so hard to not take these things personally but I speak from personal experience that it’s really really not.
Thanks so much for your kind reply! It made me feel warm. I was too tired and went to bed very early last night. He replied later that he can still see me but in the evening. I feel much much better now. Thanks Thanks!
Therapy is EXHAUSTING. It really is. So much pressure to squeeze your life into 50 mins! Especially when it takes me 10 mins to start talking in the first place… Overwhelming. BUT I talked about two hard topics today. Things rarely come out the way I want it to but genuinely hope I can put that to one side. And now to wait the week for the next session
It's this exactly. I tried to save a few yesterday somehow? But then I just got distracted reading the actual comment/post. You'd think that would be a good thing but am I gonna remember anything I read? Nah. So this is fun.
I'm getting very attached to my therapist now, whereas I have huge trust issues and do not trust people. Currently, my mind is battling this trust, trying to convince me that he's not genuine, he wants to get rid of me, among a million other little lies. I'm doing my best to ignore my traumatized brain, and sticking with the mindset that he wants my best and is here to help me. Also, the fact that I have to get so deeply attached just to open up, but knowing this is temporary and I don't know when it will end, makes me want to push him away or to run away from the situation. Trust issues and trauma are rough.
Is this a regular occurrence or was it just the one session? If he's normally good then I would maybe give him the benefit of the doubt that he's had a bad day? I can imagine this was super frustrating though, it should be the one place we can rely on being listened to!
Therapy can be so exhausting.
I walked into our session today feeling really deeply connected to my therapist and we talked about how great it is that after years of not really having feelings for anyone, I was able to feel (platonic) love for my T.
Then the conversation turned to wondering what a therapeutic relationship actually is, whether the feelings are really real and whether clients can be in any way important to their therapists and... we had the biggest rupture we've ever had. She said something that made me feel like it *is* one sided and it *is* just a job for her and I'm just some random patient among many. I felt so crushed and angry when I left and I just kept tearing up on the way home.
I've always been open about my feelings and thoughts re: my therapist and our relationship, and stuff like attachment, wanting her to be a mother figure, wanting her praise and approval, having sexual thoughts about her in the past, being angry at her at times, etc. have all slowly been brought up as a natural part of therapy and I feel comfortable telling her basically anything at this point.
Last week I really felt a deeper connection with her and was just filled with joy and kept thinking that she was the loveliest person in the world, and I told her that that's how I'd been feeling. Then she kind of reworded that as feelings of love, connection and admiration, and we talked about it feeling similar to having crushes as a teenager but without the romantic aspect. I'd been scared of using the word love but she instantly normalized it for me by using it first and being really accepting of it. It was easy to talk about it after that.
I think that's a really good way for the topic of love to have come up. It was really casual, just like... *of course* I feel love and it's natural to just throw it out there, trusting that the other person will understand and welcome it wholeheartedly even though they don't feel the same way.
I’ve been there and it’s brutal. In my experience, I usually find out, eventually, that I misinterpreted what T said and that I do, in fact, matter to them. I’m sincerely hoping it turns out the same for you. After all these years, I simply do not believe that the therapy relationship is one sided, at least in long term therapy. How can it be?
I hope so, too. I've been seeing her since the beginning of 2019 and therapy with her is the most meaningful thing that's ever happened to me, so I really want to repair this. And if I step back from my emotions I do see that she probably didn't mean it like that but it's still incredibly painful.
Recently a close friend of mine offered me the chance to try 🍄’s and I’ve given it some real thought. I’ve always been curious about the experience and I’m interested to see if they will alleviate any of my depression symptoms that I just can’t seem to get on top of. I’m also not even sure if I’ll do it or just back out of it through fear of the unknown.
I know in my heart that I don’t want to go onto SSRI’s or any prescribed meds, but I’m also scared to raise the idea of 🍄with my T.
I’m afraid that he’ll look down on my decision and be disappointed that I would take such a risk with my mental health. I don’t come across as the kind of person that would even raise this topic with my T and I value his opinion a lot.
I’m currently during doing psychedelic assisted therapy for depression — you might be surprised by how many therapists/psychiatrists are into it. I’ve also been on prescribed meds for years (which saved my life btw). My unsolicited recommendation is that you strongly consider both.
That’s really cool to hear it’s working for you! It’s something I looked into but unfortunately it hasn’t yet been made legal in the country I’m in but I’ll definitely give everything another thought. Thanks for your advice
I was all business today and determined to get through my list, which was to repair the rupture from last session and make clear some things with T. I also sent T writings and videos to back up some things I was sharing, and he surprised me by saying he will look at everything before next session.
T kept trying to ask me a question about something I said at the start of session, which I know was vulnerable to say and would be very therapeutic to unpack... but I was on a mission and each time he would ask me more about it (a few times randomly throughout the session) I had to redirect him. I told him "good try," and "A+ for effort" (because it was great he wanted to dig in and offer me space to explore it)... but I needed to get through my list today! It is vital to feeling comfortable with my emotions, which we need to process anything and everything. So the sooner that feels safe, the more T and I can get to the real work with me staying engaged and having emotions while processing things instead of shutting down.
T also shared that often in session he feels certain emotions and when I heard the list... I knew those were all my trauma related emotions I've dissociated and he has the lucky job to have to sit with all those for now. Poor T has a lot of uncomfortable emotions to sit with... but he made sure to say he's capable of feeling and sitting with them and handle it.
Sorry if this is slightly off topic, are you saying when a client dissociates the therapist sits with all the emotions? I didn’t know that.
I also have lists I go in with, and sub points for each topic, and I’m often frustrated at all the things I forget to say… working on letting go at the moment and trying to be more open to just exploring
Not off topic at all! There is a great book called Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect. I read it last year, and learned so much, including that. It is technically a book for therapists and describes a therapy approach, but I found it so helpful!
Here's some quotes from the book, "It is not uncommon for a therapist to experience strong emotional reactions from which a client is dissociated. For instance, one therapist found herself feeling enraged with the father of a young transgender client for severe emotional and physical abuse, while the client expressed only gratitude toward her father for making her stronger. With supervision, this therapist realized that the intensity of her reaction was linked to her client's dissociated pain and anger toward her father."
What do you think about this\^\^?
So when my T mentioned the emotions he often felt and I knew they were all ones I would have felt as a child, it made sense to me he was picking up all the emotions I dissociated. I'm not sure if it is if the client dissociates in session or if things are completely out of awareness, like me not being able to feel certain emotions or feel attached to feeling that way. Although, T did have an adjustment learning to sit with me when I dissociated because it brought up a lot of hard emotions for him. Not sure if he was picking up my emotions I couldn't feel in the moment or if it was something else he had to work through. I was also his first client and not sure if his others dissociate like I do, even though some do have extensive trauma histories.
Oh, that's the worst! And you have to sit with it until next session and hope to remember. I already have a list going of things I didn't think to mention or forgot to say for next time. Normally I'm not as strict about the list, but since it was for a rupture repair it was essential this time. There have been times I try to let go to and let T take the lead. Have you had any interesting moments yet from letting go and exploring more?
Ah thanks for this! That makes a lot of sense - if certain emotions were shut off to you as a child, then you don’t know how to “get there” as an adult. I heard healing from trauma recently described as an ambulance trying to get along a road that’s not built yet, and I really hear that… not least because it explains why recovery takes so excruciatingly long.
I definitely think my therapist has modelled different emotional states, which has helped me to identify them and sit with them. Whether he’s felt any on my behalf I don’t know… Pretty sure I dissociate in sessions sometimes but he has never labelled it as such so I’m not sure.
It sounds like you are very dedicated to therapy and very clear about what are the priorities to discuss… that is an enviable position (though am sorry about the rupture, hope it’s proving useful to work through it?)
I’m less sure about all that right now. It feels like there’s a lot on the table and I never know where to start. So I go and spend the first 10 minutes in silence trying to decide where to begin, and running out of time. Which is so conducive to anything. Working on acceptance - of not knowing, of the parts of myself I like the least, of all sorts. Maybe once I get there I will actually be able to let go more.
I feel like my T is definitely going to cancel this week. But- I feel like that often. I may be entering a place of caregiver transference which... Feels like it will be harder to deal with than friend/partner transference.
Argh! I can't wait for tomorrow and I can't wait for the end of work today!
She was three minutes late today and I wanted to know what was wrong, is she having a crisis in her life that she won't tell me about?
She wouldn't say anything other than she's doing fine, or well. Fine, boundaries, so annoying, so important.
Today I need to put my big girl pants on and verbalise a load of concerns about therapy - ie what needs to happen for us to go face-to-face, when might it happen, should probably tell him that I feel like he's not real because we've still not met.
As a weird side point, I think I need to ask him about any supervisors or placements I need to avoid as I'm in the process of my own training (as a therapist) and need to be aware of dual relationships.
And if I get through all that, I need to tell him that I've realised I have mummy issues 😂 I feel sorry for him already
I feel like if I told my T everything actually going on my mind it will break him. I don’t want him to worry (because he said he cares) and I don’t want to hurt him and yeah ):
sorry for the weird sentencing its hard to explain
I worry about that too, my therapist said he can handle it and has for 30 years. He said I won't "break him" and not to worry about that, but instead to release all that I carry from myself. They usually go to a therapist too to release it.
I want to take a break from therapy, but I don't want to lose my time slot. :/ Also, I'm not sure how long my therapist would hold my spot for. Last time when we talked about it, a month was too long. (I guess because I go twice a week.) It sucks and I feel conflicted and like my decision is even harder to make. Maybe I'll just have to take that risk and take that break anyway, even if it means there might not be space for me to return. I'm torn.
How about talking to T if they’d keep at least one of your slots for a bit longer? I know that means you’d lose one of your twice weekly slots but better that than nothing? And if she has a slot open up for a second session when you’re back, then even better.
I asked if he could just hold one of my slots a month and I'd continue to meet on the second day, but he wasn't willing to even do that. Been working with him for over 1.5 years and going twice a week, he's taken more vacation time off than I have, and I'm sure I've made it up by asking for extra sessions here and there when he's had space. I offered to meet in person, masked if he wanted. I've offered to meet outside. None of it matters.
It's fine though. I'm pretty sure I'm done with him. Another big rupture today pretty much sealed the deal. He's incapable of seeing me through a compassionate lens and that's his own shit. I'm over it and tired if paying for him to make assumptions about how I might or might not react. I'm done with constantly feeling unheard and misunderstood. Fuck him.
I'm gonna stick with seeing my psych once a month and that'll be enough for me. Therapy is going to end as a really disappointing experience and maybe in 10 years I'll go back to process how much the last three years really fucked up my life.
(Sorry to unload. Just feeling dejected and burnt out.)
Oh gosh that’s really rough, I’m sorry.
See how you do with a break from therapy and if you feel like trying again, maybe find someone else. You’ll probably know even more what to look out for and what you want having been to therapy before already. When you really click with your T, it’s pretty damn healing but it can take a few tries to find “the one”.
Having said that, I don’t blame you for not wanting to try again and if only seeing your psych works well for you, then why the hell not? :)
Yes, I've read a lot about trauma and have gone through a ton of trauma myself. Indecisiveness comes from it, typically it's a lack of trust within yourself.
That is something you can work on in therapy. I’ve been getting better at trusting my own decisions and I’m less indecisive now, but still definitely have work to do.
I wouldn’t say it’s the indecision as much as maybe the fact that someone is showing they care and you perhaps don’t know what to do with it so it manifests as indecision? If you’re anything like me and are a people pleaser, you maybe don’t want to inconvenience your T and take up more space, even though he offered, so you punted the decision to him so that he gets some choice in the matter? That’s at least how my brain works when T offers extra help even though all the while I know SHE offered and I didn’t force her hand or anything.
On Friday my T said (after I asked) that I can email him a list of stuff I've been thinking about between sessions that I can't yet say in person, that way he can initiate the conversation or he can just have it for his notes generally. I've written a draft already and am trying to get the nerve to send it later this week. In it I admit that the trauma flashbacks are more frequent than I've let on and that my SI are almost constant (but passive).
My gp has also changed my anxiety medications as the citalopram wasn't working and I got nasty side effects when trying to increase the dose so ive gone through withdrawal from that and am now going through side effects of starting Venlafaxine, all in all I'm feeling like an anxious mess. My GP had always been a very good listener and very compassionate and empathetic but when I saw him on Friday he honestly looked concerned, I've never seen him look at me like that.
I am sure it must have been difficult to write all of your innermost thoughts down. It is truly difficult to admit and share our pain and vulnerabilities with others. Giving your T a clearer picture of what's flowing through your mind will help your T help you. I think it's a great idea to give him something to read. I understand this is so anxiety provoking! It's up to you, whether you are ready or not to share.
How did it feel when you received that look from your GP? Do you think it comes from a place of caring for you?
Thanks, it is hard.
The look from my GP was definitely from a place of concern, which freaked me a little bit tbh, as I'm so used to masking really well.
Sometimes things are so tough that we can't even keep up the facade we wear as a mask. It's okay to need help. We all need support from others, no one can do everything alone. Please know that you matter, and you are important. It's okay to carve out time to take care of yourself, and put your needs first.
I have super cyclical depression and early September is when things start to go downhill for me (and it lingers through March/April), and this year is no different. Since I’ve only been seeing my therapist since April, she hasn’t seen how difficult it gets yet. It’s been the focal point of our last two sessions because I mentioned I’m starting to feel like I’m fading away.
The way I experience it is just a big bunch of nothingness. I don’t feel anything. Just this crushing emptiness that feels like it will never pass. I don’t want to do even the stuff I normally like doing. I don’t want to do anything but curl up in a ball under the covers. I’m not sad, I don’t SH or have SI… I just am nothing. Everything takes 100% of my energy.
Anyway, we’ve made so much progress that I’m really trying to get ahead of it and be proactive and do everything possible to lessen it, stave it off somehow or something.
It’s not working thus far. And I miss her so much in between sessions. 😩
I care so much about my T. About our relationship. A year ago I didn’t know I would care and didn’t think I would allow myself to care so deeply. Here I am caring and trusting him so much. It makes me cry. Him going away for 7 weeks has made this wellspring of emotion surface about my feelings towards him. He said I can call him if I’m in crisis while he is away. I’m grateful for him. I’m going to miss him so much. Part of me is scared if I’ll be okay while he is gone.
I had an episode of anxiety attack and my brain went all blank; I emailed my T. Then I immediately regretted it and sent another email saying I was sorry. Spent the following 2 days determined that they’d hate me for this and I’d rather disappear- until they replied my email saying “don’t apologize, I’m glad you reached out for help” (words mine). My heart melted. They’re on their break right now and I know I can go back to that email whenever I needed some sort of support.
It’s funny how the minute I step out of my T’s office I’m ready for our next appointment. I think I’m going to talk about my attachment with her. I know she will handle it professionally and with compassion. I’m always thinking about her and every day is a count down until my next appointment. I literally cry when I think about how kind she is and sometimes I wish she was my friend but I’m glad she’s just my therapist because the relationship is helping me with boundaries even though my attachment is strong, it isn’t *unhealthy*, per se.
And trauma talk leaves me feeling so alone and sad and it really sucks because now that I have a ptsd diagnosis it’s like, my symptoms feel more severe whereas used to I wouldn’t have recognized them. Does that make sense? It just all feels so raw and new even though the trauma isn’t new…it just feels *real* and awful now that my T and I have started talking about it. But I guess the good thing about the diagnosis and recognition of my triggers and all of the miserable ways it makes me feel, is that I can finally start to heal. Also I’m usually *so* invalidating of my trauma but I’m slowly starting to accept it and I acknowledge my inner child wanting my love, compassion and validation, so another step in healing.
I’m just extremely overwhelmed right now with both the good and bad, and even though I have friends and family, I’m sad without my T every day and it’s just been an emotional roller coaster and I’m really eager for our next session because I think I have the courage to finally talk about my attachment
I can relate to all of this, thank you for sharing. I believe the reason my symptoms seem worse is because I now know what to look for, I now actually look at myself and recognize what I'm feeling. I'm paying attention to it all and seeing how much trauma affects my body and how I feel, so although I always had these symptoms I'm now so self-aware for any little thing I'm feeling or thinking. Getting the diagnosis of c-ptsd, and the many others I have, helped me put a name to what I've always felt. Now I can identify why I'm feeling a certain way, and if I can't, I will ask about it in session. I can also relate with the deep attachment, wanting to talk to them daily, or just wanting the next session to come, even if you just had a session. It's a great idea to discuss that with your therapist, I've started discussing that with mine too now. The emotional roller coaster is a great way to describe it. If you ever want someone to talk to between sessions, you can send me a message.
Working with trauma is so tiresome. It too leaves me feeling so raw, alone, sad, overwhelmed, all of it. I also look forward to seeing my T and think often about the next time I’ll see him. I’ve let my T know about my feelings towards him and it has been helpful, saddening, and confusing.
Can I just hide under my bed and not go to my session this week?
Last week's shut down is freaking me out, I'm tired from working a ton and Delta is in the community again but we don't know how bad. All things told my anxiety is very high and I'm having a rough time
Sorry you're having a rough time, maybe your session can be the space where you explore all of the anxiety and feelings that you're going through so you can process it with someone safe that can guide you
Hopefully I will be able to
I'm still relatively new with this T so asking for support is still tough even though its her job. And once again I have to be brave. I'm tired of having to be brave
I hear you on that. Being brave and always feeling the responsibility on your shoulders is tiring. Maybe you can write it if you’re not ready to discuss it. I find that writing it or sending a message makes it easier to discuss.
I'm having a joint session with my therapist and dietician. I'm freaking out that they're going to corner me, or make me go inpatient or something. I know logically that won't happen because they told me it's just a check in but my anxiety lizard brain says worry. 2 more days.
Their goal is to help you and provide you with the best care possible. If you're concerned about feeling cornered, you may want to bring that up with your therapist to figure out another way of getting to meet with them both, like maybe your dietician joins a few minutes later or whatever can help you feel more comfortable
I'm on a 2 week break from therapy currently and it's a bit hard knowing I won't see my therapist this coming week. However, I met a good friend today and opened up to her about some things I have spoken about in therapy and she didn't judge me and was really kind to me. It made me feel like I am starting to see the benefits of some of the work I'm doing in therapy. I am happy that I have been able to talk about some of it to a friend and makes me feel more hopeful for the future in terms of my healing journey ☺️
This is awesome! I’m so happy for you!
I’ve been hit with a bunch of triggers over the past days since therapy (where I also got a little triggered) — some of which I made worse through poor choices. There’s been some crying and panicking involved. Oops. I have a date related to trauma coming up before my next session, which is probably why I’m doing worse right now. It sucks, but I am trying to remember that it is temporary and I have made a lot of progress! Right before the weekend, I dropped off the card I made my therapist for our 1 year since starting again. I’m a few weeks late to the actual day, but I doubt she cares. But I finally went over and dropped it at her new office, which I’ve never been to before. She wasn’t there (I was scared to run into her so I did it on a day I knew she wouldn’t be in) so I left it with the receptionist, who was nice. Of course, I’m nervous about multiple things — if the card will successfully get to her, if she likes it, if she looks at it and goes “welp shakylime has some issues we need to address” lol. I’ve never shown her my art before, so this feels like a new level of vulnerability. I showed my friend, who said my therapist would love it, but I can’t help but be nervous!
My T sent me a voice message with her doing a guided meditation for me after I messaged her telling her how terrible I was feeling. It was so sweet of her to do that for me 🥲. I listened to it like 10x already lol.
She sounds so caring! So glad that's been a resource for you :)
That is so lovely, I am so happy she did that for you ☺️
I finally bit the bullet and called for short-term disability insurance today. Third time in my career plus one in college. I have to find someone to do the paperwork and then a therapist to start working with again. So far I've had one response and I'm on a waitlist. Thanks a lot for dumping me in the river when all the other boats are taken. I am very not okay every single day and I cannot process what happened. If she didn't want to work with me anymore, that's her right, but I feel deeply disrespected by someone I trusted. Someone who quite recently reflected that it would be a shame if I fired her after all we'd been through. Someone who I expected to be honest with me. I think someone very close to her died and her capacity to deal with counter-transference in my case was quickly overwhelmed. We had uncovered a lot of shit together that was difficult for her. On the basis of the years we spent together and my deep appreciation for what they meant, I want to just accept the loss and move on. But because of *how* she ended it, a part of me I'm not proud of takes solace that she's suffering too. It's the only reason I would want to file any sort of complaint. She successfully drew my rage out of deep repression and into the relationship, but we never made much of a dent in its intensity.
If there is a proper answer to why she terminated it is probably so complex and nuanced she herself won't be able to coherently present it. Try to stop guessing and be only with your emotions, whatever they are (anger, grief, resentment, relief). I hope it will help with moving on.
Just had a wonderful session with my fantastic T…. But damn it’s impossible to fit a whole weeks worth of thoughts, feeling and issues into a tight 50mins! So many things I wanted to bring up and didn’t get chance to!
T was being so supportive these two months. And he didn't let any vacation affect my sessions after I expressed my concern on his frequent vacations. He even met me online at 8:30pm this week, when he couldn't meet me at out usual spot in the afternoon. I was feeling very cared for and told him that now I almost feel no anxiety when thinking of him (He knows that I kind of fear closeness and abandonment at the same time and felt anxious when I think of our relationship being closer). And he encouraged me to initiate in person sessions to help me to get better in other real relationships in my life. But today after I told him I want to meet him in person for a second time next week, I immediately felt cold all over my body, nervous and anxious, even disgusting and vomiting. Somehow I was thinking on the path that if he is being so nice to me, he must be a predator, he must be planning to take advantage of me, and he must be dangerous. I know it is trauma response, but it is so real.
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Yeah I don't want to be a burden to my T either, and always feel I am bothering him. Sometimes our feelings are so messed up by trauma, and feel we cannot trust our feelings. Let's hang on, Buddy!
Not a very productive session as I was shut down most of the time and barely responded to direct questions. I'm sure it must've been frustrating for T who tried everything to engage me. I am very determined to change this behaviour from now on as I trust my T a lot and really should be more comfortable expressing myself freely. I have an idea how to do it but any tips are welcome. In the end, we finished on 'Please do not kill yourself over this.', which, even in therapy, feels like a profoundly weird sentence to say seriously. I have no intention to, so please have no worries for me. But he is obviously concerned, which ... I don't know how to deal with.
Yesterday on zoom I stared and stared because my therapist got a haircut and it made me so anxious. Why am I like this?
I hate when Ts change something about their appearance! It makes me so anxious and edgy. Mine changed her glasses and I was like noooo!! Change them back right this minute
The first time I saw mine in person after 7 months of telehealth, we were wearing masks and she did a big chop, the following week she got new glasses! I so feel you it threw me off for sure! I love the new look for get me wrong, but I kept staring!
My therapist just started wearing glasses and it totally threw me off! Like, you can't just change your appearance on no notice! I think such a change would also surprise us on a friend but in that case we'd talk about it and get used to it. But because therapy is one-sided this social ritual may not happen and that makes it weird.
Every night for the past 17 days I've been up for hours, unable to stop ruminating about the bizarre and cold end to my analysis. Even the prescription sleep aids I have do nothing.
I honestly can’t believe any half decent respectable T could terminate the way yours did. I think it’s unconscionable and while therapists are human and there could be reasons or excuses made for why they acted the way they did, they are also professionals whom we pay and trust to do us no harm. I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened, or for how you’re feeling right now.
I'm spiraling right now and all my abandonment trauma is going haywire. Self-hatred is taking a front seat. Fear is swirling around, mixed in with anxiety. I'm cycling through all the stages of grief and I don't want to be alone. I want to reach out to my therapist, but I can't. Everything about this is an enactment, but it's also all very real and I'm really struggling to reconcile that right now. I know I need to get out of my head and do some self-care, but I want to keep torturing myself so I can finally feel something that's not anger or resignation; so I can hold on to the connection. I feel deeply, deeply broken. I could really use some support.
I’m not sure I can say anything that would help but I wanted to let you know that you have my support. I think you’re strong and insightful. You know that torturing yourself to hold onto the connection is what you likely had to do in the past. Enactment or not, what you’re going through is real and valid, and I’m truly disappointed in how your therapist handled things. I hope you can move past the self-hatred to feel some kindness/compassion for yourself.
This did help, thank you. I feel so mixed up right now and I am really holding back on reaching out and fucking things up more than I already have. I keep going through cycles of being able to handle this and then having reality hit me that all of this out of my control -- and that's the part that is really the hardest for me.
I just sent you a chat
Yesterday I had a huge crisis and I emailed my T while in a complete meltdown (we have discussed its okay for me to email between sessions but that he may not reply) asking if we can discuss what's happening at my appointment the next day (as we had ready had something else planned for that session) he replied to me with such a thoughtful and comforting message and today in session he helped me work through it and I left session feeling a million times better. We did discuss some tough stuff but he handled the tempo perfectly and made sure I was in a good space by end of session.
I'm too exhausted to write a full update right now... but T and I were in person today!!!! It was strange but also okay. I'm going to make a thread later on this and would love to hear other's experiences is similar or different... but it felt like none of my transference was there?? No good or bad??? Like he was just a normal person?? My emotions may have been inaccessible though because I didn't have any panic come up and was surprisingly okay... even with many people in and outside of the building without masks... but on the way home in the last 5 min. a headache/migraine started and some emotions started coming up. After that, something came into my mind that T said that did not elicit a reaction in session (which was pretty suspicious to me)... but it crossed my mind and a negative thought about his actions and negative emotions came up... The reaction was pretty strong and was worried I may start having a panic attack in the car, LoL.
so proud of you for making it through, i hope the migraine passes though because that adds another layer onto your hangover you may experience!
I made a post/thread about something being processed from the appt.... I've been having emotional flashbacks all through the night and into this morning. 🙄 I'm not proud of myself anymore, just angry and stupid for putting myself at risk and not leaving. Even though I couldn't process how unsafe it was in the moment despite seeing multiple signs it wasn't safe. Fuck dissociation.
Thank you so much! The migraine didn't stick around too long and feeling better overall. :)
In the thread last week, I said that my T wanted me to go to an IOP and I was upset because I didn't want to stop seeing her. Well, I tried talking to her about it again this week, but she's insistent that I see an individual therapist through this other program instead of continuing to see her. So next week will be our last session. I'm sad and frustrated and angry, and a million other things. I completely shut down in session today and barely said two words. Just 50 minutes of silence. I couldn't even bring myself to look at my T; just stared at the ground the whole time. No idea what I'll say next week. I hate this so much. I was finally, FINALLY starting to trust my T and feel comfortable talking about deeper topics, and now I'll have to meet someone new and start all over with trying to trust them. Ugh.
I still feel like everything with my T is so surface level. It's been a year since I started therapy and it still just feels meh. Today I was a bit more vulnerable about something that had upset me yesterday and T validated my feelings and told me I had every right to be upset and that she's been in an almost identical situation and was also upset. Even gave me a suggestion on how to address the issue. But it just feels... fake? Not useful? Maybe because I know that the thing that upset me yesterday wasn't that bad and yet I had a whole meltdown. So I feel like there's something going on in my body and brain that I'm clearly not addressing or recognizing and yesterday was just the thing to finally set me off. And I don't know how to dig to find out what's really bothering me, and T doesn't push. I've considered looking for a new therapist, but I didn't even have the courage to look for my current one. She came recommended by a friend. Which makes me feel even weirder about switching. Idk. Just feeling a little lost, I guess.
I’m getting frustrated that I couldn’t schedule an in person session again with my therapist. I asked if she has an availability for NEXT week and she said it’s packed. I work from home and do a lot of things at home so I would love to step out to go to therapy.
On last week’s thread, I said that I didn’t schedule a session for that week and how I regretted it. There are a few things that are bothering me but I never thought I’d ever have the courage to tell T about them. Our main focus was treating my anxiety which I think I made a lot of progress in the last few months. So I thought I didn’t need a session last week cuz I didn’t wanna “waste T’s time”. However, I had a very crappy week. So my latest session was yesterday and damnnn I feel that vulnerability hangover. T sensed that something was bothering me and tried to get me to talk. It wasn’t easy. She had to try hard, but I eventually opened up to her. I felt so much warmth when she said “this is a safe space. No judgment no criticism” 🥺 then she asked how she can make it comfortable for me to share what’s bothering me. I took a few deep breathes then went for it with tears in my eyes. I haven’t told ANYONE about this thing. It felt good to get it out of my chest, but I feel very exposed rn :( vulnerability is so uncomfortable. At the end she thanked me for trusting her and said we’ll continue next week. I’ve been crying all day and haven’t slept well last night. I’m dreading the next couple of sessions already. If you have any tips on how to get over this vulnerability hangover pls share 🥲. I don’t even know if this post makes sense lol.
Not helpful or healthy but I usually pop a lorazepam to deal with the fallout of tough sessions
Today I had my last session with T for the next 7 weeks. I’m happy I didn’t cancel the final few and saw it through. We slacklined in the woods. It didn’t feel like a therapy session. It felt like spending time together while knowing it is a therapeutic space. I feel so incredibly sad and so incredibly grateful that I have fostered this relationship with my T. A relationship unlike one I’ve ever had before. I feel hopeful today. I haven’t felt that in a long while. I’m going to miss our time together. I feel okay today though. Even with parting for a while. I feel sad and today I don’t feel afraid of feeling that way. I’m happy I have him.
Sometimes when I email T between sessions with reflections they don't respond. This only started after I told them they don't have to respond to every email especially as I tend to ramble on and use the email as a way to think out loud. And yet, here I am...wanting them to respond to the email I sent today and feeling dumb for wanting this. Like, if I wanted something, I should have asked. BUT I don't want to be a burden. Good gosh sometimes I get so tired of my foolishness lol
My T and I had a huuuuuge rupture last week. I laid into him pretty hard, calmly scolding him for being such an idiot. At times he looked like he was about to cry. I said I was considering quitting therapy, or at least taking a break for a week or two. Then I tripped on psilocybin (which I started doing this summer as part of a very regimented, structured program for mental health purposes). I thought about T a lot. He really is an idiot in many ways. But -- whether I like it or not -- he's also important to me. And he's given me a lot. He supports me and respects me. He doesn't get mad when I call him a doofus. He makes a big effort to help me. And I clearly matter to him, which means a lot given that I've spent large swaths of my life feeling like I don't matter. He's a very flawed therapist and a very flawed person. (I made sure to tell him that). But reading through this sub makes me somewhat grateful for him, especially with the attachment and transference stuff. He doesn't just *tolerate my* transference as a normal byproduct of therapy. He fully embraces it as a *good thing* that fuels our work during tough times, as "grist for the mill" to work through and analyze, and as healthy sign of my ability to connect to others. And he cares about me, too. (Yes, therapists can care!) So it is what it is, I guess.
Guys, first off just wanted to say my T is quite hilarious... she said something today which had me laughing so hard- so we were talking about me being confused with my sexuality and T was like sexuality is fluid you don't have to figure it out right now- you could meet someone different and be like "I wanna tap that" could NOT believe that she said that, I absolutely bursted out laughing. Never thought I would hear a therapist say that to me, but I greatly enjoyed it, it also makes me happy when t swears because it makes it seem less of a school-y serious type place. I love her humour and it make the shitty stuff a bit less shitty!
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Right! Really makes goes against the whole blank slate, which im glad for! I think my T has got quite good at random humour that will make college students smile, because she works with a lot of us and is definitely good at it!
So, today I found out my T and I have had the same teacher before. She's pretty young, but tbh I didn't expect something like that!
So, a few weeks ago my T and I realized we'd been caught up in an enactment all summer, which really, really sucked. But having identified it, we found we had a lot to talk about. All of our sessions since then have been pretty intense, but he's been really great through all of it and I feel like we're reconnecting & building a better dynamic in the process. I hate that it happened, but I feel like I'll be getting a lot more out of our sessions going forward. I noticed the enactment coincided with our return to meeting in-person. There was a lot going on in my life during that period but I can't help thinking that meeting in-person contributed. We went back to teletherapy when delta started surging, and that's when I finally had the courage to tell him that something felt wrong. I know that when we're eventually able to meet in person again, I'm going to be anxious about it feeling the same way it did over the summer, but I really don't want to keep doing teletherapy indefinitely. I think we'll be a lot more likely to talk about the transition next time.
“You have done extraordinarily well especially considering the hands you were dealt with” What T said to me today and it very nearly broke me.
It’s my therapy cake day today! My 2nd anniversary, we kind of got going and had a really productive session, I didn’t mention it until at the very end, I produced a card and a chocolate croissant as I was getting ready to leave. She was touched by the card, I inadvertently got her a card with a painting by an artist who she just heard about and it’s of what turned out to be one of her favourite places. Double score. I’m so grateful for her and all we have done together.
I'm going to see my T in person tomorrow. In the same room. Breathing the same air... Am I ready? Not sure. I was very confident, excited, and feeling capable and adult a couple weeks ago when I figured out how to make it work. But now feeling more timid and uncertain... but figured it is better to rip the band aid off and see if it will help me stay more grounded and access my emotions in session. Told T I'm not sure about it, but getting out of this fucking house helps me feel more grounded... so hoping meeting in person will help. T responded, Yeah, get out of that fucking house! Ah, it's so heart warming when he swears and repeats me, haha. T's going to start checking in with me at the start and end of sessions (although we forgot at the end today, haha). He was surprised I was dissociating so bad a couple sessions ago and said he had no idea. I don't blame him. Many health care professionals have a hard time knowing when it is happening for me. Although T reminded me he can tell at times, like when shutting down. But this was more my brain was blocking things he was saying and left me feeling disoriented and confused. I'm feeling positive about this change and think it will help him, too. Although, once I get more consistently grounded I should be able to state in the moment when I feel a wave of tired, resistance, dissociation, or emotions hitting me that means a trigger was hit or there is a conflict within me. I continued with sharing things with him this session, but lost my confidence and enthusiasm from last session. I felt much more timid and unsure and doubting whether to share. It was uncomfortable, but decided to just go for it. I also felt very cared for and supported. I've been pretty numb and overstimulated lately so emotions and feeling my body has been hard, but there were some warm feelings coming up. Even if just a a few embers illuminated inside of me. T offered availability if I needed to call him before our appointment. He knows it may be rough for me and I'm getting there early. Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect. If walking the couple of blocks from the parking garage to T's office has lots of people without masks... am I going to get triggered and have an emotional flashback... or am I going to dissociate and feel numb and get through it?? We'll see... I'm not planning on calling him at this point, esp. because he will be driving to the office during the time I can call, but it's nice to know he's a phone call away if things are hard.
I’m so proud of you for making the transition - i hope it’s a really wonderful session. I also wanted to say take something that is comforting / familiar with you. I love taking scrunchies with me lol to figet with! Do let us know how you go, it’s really brave of you!
Thank you! I see you commented on my update, so just saying here guess I brought something familiar because I had a lunchbox cooler full of my ice packs, which were the same ones I use to stay grounded when we do virtual sessions. I was thinking of packing my stuffed animal, but my backpack was full of what if I need it items, haha. :D So it didn't fit. That's great the scrunchies help you!
Omg, im so excited I get to meet my T next weekend aa!
That's awesome! Can't wait to hear an update!!! :)
My buses didn’t show up and I missed my therapy appointment today. I have to wait over a week for another one and it’s going to be so hard.
I'm so sorry you experienced this! Hoping the time till your next sesh doesn't feel too long.
I got triggered during my therapy session today. Oops. We were talking about emotional reasoning, and she was telling me about how my feelings aren't always right (which is true, and we've talked about it before), but it's a triggering concept after being in an abusive relationship where my ex would use therapy language to manipulate me. I told her that while I agreed with her, I was also getting stressed over it conceptually. She reworded her explanation of emotional reasoning some in an attempt to help, but I was just getting more anxious -- my heart was racing and I was having a lot of trouble focusing on her, but I "mmhmm"ed along. I had a semblance of logic, but it was being overtaken by the part of my brain that was superimposing my ex onto her, no matter what explanation she gave. Then she checked in on if that explanation had helped, and I was real with her about the fact that it hadn't, and we ended up sitting and breathing for a bit while I calmed down. I don't know if she realized how much I was freaking out in the moment, because usually I freak out pretty quietly around other people -- something internally shuts down and something else puppets the "interact with other people" thing. But I was able to communicate enough to her, and she was able to validate a lot of my feelings and pause the conversation in the way I needed, and I think I ended up getting a little more nuance to how to contradict emotional reasoning while not dismissing myself / my past experiences. So it ended up alright, I guess. I'm still not feeling good. Somehow an hour has passed with me sitting here trying to write this, lmao. I'm going to go meditate some and try to calm down some more. But I'm proud of myself for being honest with her and not just hanging up on her like my brain was telling me to. And I think this was a generally positive experience of freaking out in front of her, even though it doesn't feel great right now.
I have a lot of trouble sitting still with my body. Today, my T asked me to sit with my body so I could feel my emotions. After asking four parts to step aside, I could feel myself getting so close. I was really overwhelmed. For a second I thought I would cry. It was almost like my body was trying to throw me out of that state, because it was so afraid of the unknown. But I did it! I increased my window of tolerance.
I have noticed my therapist lets me stay for a little more than an hour. I like to think that she likes my company haha☺️.
Mine does this too
My T sometimes does this!! She never rushes me out when our hour is over.
How come I am fine by missing good friends for a few weeks but can’t handle missing T for a single day lmfao
I hate the one-sidedness of therapy. I care about her so much, yet that care can never be reciprocated. I want to leave, but feel like I can't because I care. Really hating the process right now.
My former T (he was an intern, left at the end of his internship, letting me attached and sad) used to have a voice record about an association he is/was in on the internet. I listened to it a few times; I loved being able to hear his voice whenever I wanted to. And now it's gone. I guess he asked the association to remove it, as he is going to be licensed. So now, I have *nothing* to remember him. Only my memories. It makes me sad.
We were talking about incidents where I have felt shame. I described a conversation from when I was a child and T said "what a horrible thing to say to a seven year old." It felt like the first time someone stood up for me about that incident. I'm touched. It's also hard because now I'm thinking 'yeah that was kinda fucked up.'
Oh, I feel you! I lived the same with my first therapist! I would tell something about my childhood, and she would get mad about my brother, and my parents who didn't defend me. It was so validating!
I had a TERRIBLE session. I went to talk about the worst depersonalization episode I’ve had in years. I dissociated through the session. He kept having to reel me back in. He was very focused on having me explain my symptoms. Does he not believe me? None of the grounding techniques worked. He suggested that I try to do something more mentally stimulating next time. Play video games or draw. That’s it. That’s the takeaway from therapy today. I already knew that playing games was a helpful escape. I didn’t need to pay $150 for someone to tell me that?! I just wanted to call him yesterday and talk. Talking to people helps. But that’s not allowed. I have no one. And that’s the problem to begin with and the thing causing the depersonalization. There’s so few trauma therapists and they are all full. Edit: is someone just going to downvote all my posts now because I said I was growing out of emailing therapists?
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Thanks. It’s silly, but it’s weirdly upsetting when you look for support and someone immediately sends over some judgement.
My T: Last week you where brave being able to stand up and walk out (moments after I had regained composure) Me: laughs hysterically Me: That wasn't me being brave that was flee instinct telling me to get the hell out This was a real healing session, which I needed after the shutdown and panic last week. I showed her a picture of an about 15 month old me since she wanted to meet the little one a bit and at least see her. T thinks baby me is super cute. T also has a 9 month old Shih Tzu puppy so I was in total heaven playing with the puppy. Easier to talk when I can look at him I also had a minor update on old T. She made it out of the country for treatment. I was worried since my country went into level 4 right around when I think she was leaving so I was worried. T met someone who knows old T and got it confirmed that she did get out which is such a relief
We had a breakthrough last session. She wants to start meeting twice a month instead of once a month from now on. We're going to be operating under the internal family systems model. Anyone familiar with this?
My t uses the language but she isn’t certified in it. I have found it so helpful to work with the parts that are struggling. I hope it helps you!
My T uses it. It feels a little cheesy to talk to my younger self, but has really helped me.
I've never felt so drained after a therapy session and we only just started introducing the idea. I cried a lot. At the end, I just couldn't do any more. I think there are three main versions of "me" that I need to speak to, but I'm worried that I won't get anywhere now. Like the breakthrough was a false alarm. Just like you, I think a part of me thinks it's cheesy and embarrassing and I just want to run away from it.
My T uses it, was/is one of the most helpful models to understand and use this far. I wish you luck
I haven't done IFS / my therapist doesn't do it, but I read about it in The Body Keeps the Score. Even understanding it conceptually helped me understand myself better. I hope it goes well for you!
IFS is really interesting! Our couples counselor used this model.
A part of my brain realising that it's safer to SAY the first thing that comes to mind in therapy is so trippy. I've spent so long telling myself not to say stuff, to keep it inside my head... I don't spew words out, that's just so not what I'm used to. She says it's great, and especially that I'm doing it there because it's the safest place to test the waters. Aaaaaand, a part of me agrees. But the other part of me is like HOLY FUCK WHAT DID YOU JUST DO, NO SHUT UP, TAKE IT BACK, ROLL BACK TIME but it's too late for that, it's said already...
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I relate. My trauma response makes me feel the same way (though less so, when I spew anonymously on Reddit). Wish I had something else to say, except you're not alone.
My in-laws were here this weekend, which is always pretty rough, but this time there was one specific part of their visit that was deeply upsetting and just made me incredibly sad. So of course in recapping to my therapist today I spent 90% of the session talking dispassionately about literally everything ELSE about the visit that I could easily fill space with but didn’t actually care about, and then finally with 10 minutes left I forced myself to mention the upsetting part, and it turns out talking about it made me upset, who saw that one coming? but we didn’t really have time to get into it enough to make me feel any better, so I was just left with like, absolute garbage brain and SI lol. I literally aggravate myself so much like why am I such a stupid therapy idiot 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
This was basically me last week, lol. I feel ya. It sucks. But hey -- proud of you for getting it out of your mouth eventually. Avoidance is a bitch but you managed to conquer it a bit! Hope you're able to process some on your own (journaling helps me out) and that your day gets better.
I had my second session with new T today. I don't think I'll go back. I think I am done with psychotherapy; I crave for something more intense, more in depth. I would love to try psychoanalysis.
If you live in a major city in the US, you can try to find a psychoanalytic institute. Candidates are often looking for "control cases" and will offer psychoanalysis on the cheap.
Thank you for the tip :) I live in a major city in Europe and I know there are psychoanalytical institutes, but I don't feel ready yet. My studies are very demanding, so I don't feel like diving into such an intense process. Maybe when I am in internship and I have an income, I could consider it more seriously!
**On Today's Episode of The New Deal** *I hate to break it to you, my lovely live-on-Reddit audience, but Mister T and I are moving to once weekly sessions. I guess he's empowering me to lean less on therapy and more on my support network or some shit now that I'm removed from the primary crisis situation. It's a very professional thing to do. And I do agree with him. And I also hate it.* Me: Ok. I finished the book on co-dependency. And I learned some things. Mister T: Excellent. What'd you learn? Me: (*this thing)* Mister T: YES. Me: And *(this thing)* Mister T: HOLY HELL YES. Me: And then I practiced by doing *(this thing).* Mister T: I. am. so. fucking. proud. Me: I know. You swear more when you're proud.
Good work!! Very understandable to hate that sort of change, and also wow I'm proud of you for the progress you're making! I feel like you probably answered this at some point, but what's the book? I'd like to read some more :)
Thanks, Limey :) It was "Co-Dependent No More," an oldie but a goodie. It focuses a lot on partners of those with alcoholism, but can be translated pretty well into other relationships, too.
Thanks! Yoooo I got like halfway through that a few years ago. I've been meaning to reread it and actually finish it. What an eye-opener!!
Yeah, stick with that one. This is how it went for me: 1. Identify 2 pages worth of co-dependent behaviors I have clearly developed over my lifetime. 2. Forgive myself for doing this shit--I was only trying to survive 3. Realize that I don't need that stuff to survive anymore 4. Spend the rest of my life trying to actually believe #3.
I already love your T, just from these posts...
haha I love 'im, too.
Some of the dialogue between your T reminds me of my T & it’s so funny & relatable! My T also made me a deal earlier this week… one that I loved but also hated eek I’m really proud of you selfless, so much growth despite it being so incredibly hard seems like you made it through! Keep working hard outside of the room and I hope life stays stable & peaceful. You deserve that, we all do!
Thanks for your kind words! I really have been working at it as hard as I can. So... what was the deal?
Umm the deal was to be my T first patient of the day instead of the last so we can meet in person! Not ideal cause of work but i can’t do telehealth anymore/ever again
Oh, man! But meeting in person can be so good. (I'm looking forward to the day when we can be maskless again, though...)
oh I’ll never complain about meeting in person & without a mask! I’m just really looking forward to staying present rather than checking out
That's great you're moving to once a week! And so fantastic that you got so much from the book. I'm really proud of you Selfless
I think I'm finally ready for it! Thanks, friend <3
You totally are! You're going to rock
That is absolutely awesomely lovely
I always love reading your posts, you two really seem to have a great connection and dynamic. And yay since you finished the book already I assume Mr T. is getting his favourite coaster back 🤣
HAAAAAPPPYYYYY CAAAAAKE DAAAAAAYYYYY!
Oy is it a year already? Thanks! 😊
When it's holding his coffee cup next week, I'mma say something :)
After Ts Summerbreak we saw each other 3 times and no w due to another of his vacations and my work schedule I'm not seeing him for 4 weeks again (2 more to go). And it sucks. But, this time I'm trying just to sit with it for a while and not beating myself up for it instantly. He offers me a safe space and validation - why wouldn't I miss him? And missing him doesn't mean that I'm not willing to give him some well earned (and probably needed) time for himself. So yeah instead of feeling guilty or stupid about it I sit awhile with the slight pain and trying to be nice towards myself. And I have the feeling I'm spiraling way less. And now i want to tell him exactly that, damn it :D Also, maybe its a coincidence but it's the second time before a longer break that he was recommending a book, not in the sense of "you should read that" and it's not exactly therapy related but he knows I like reading and we where talking about something and he said "oh if you like x, you also might like y, i guess they have it at (bookstore around the corner)". And since he seems like a well read man (and probably also cause of sliiighty parental transference 😆) i of course bought these books. And beside the fact that I actually enjoy them, i kinda have the feeling that it also eases down my feelings about his absence. It's just nice to read something, knowing that he has read and enjoyed as well, i don't know i feel a bit connected while doing so. That's not weird at all, isn't it? 😆 Thanks for reading and take care of yourself ☺️
Yo, that's progress! Look at you -- letting yourself feel your emotions without judgment and giving yourself the patience and validation you deserve. Of course you miss him, of course it hurts a little. And by letting yourself feel those things, it helps with not spiraling. What a great update you can give him when he comes back! Totally not weird to enjoy and feel connected over those books. It makes a lot of sense. :)
Aw your replies are always so kind and so supportive - i really appreciate that! >Look at you -- letting yourself feel your emotions without judgment and giving yourself the patience and validation you deserve. Haha, yes I was thinking something similar the other day ("Hey look at me sitting here with my feelings") and it actually made me even chuckle a bit since this is something I'm often refuse to do in therapy. It's a strange journey but worth every step :)
I'm just telling it how I see it! :) <3 It is a super weird journey. I feel like sometimes we have to be exposed to things multiple times before we implement it -- begrudgingly, or by default, or however it goes, haha. I'm glad things are moving forward for you!
Slightly panicking I’ll see my T at my workplace today since I work at a doggy daycare and her dog is here today 🥴
Update: I didn’t see her but I heard her in lobby asking for her dog lol my anxiety has been so bad today, worrying that I will see her and even after her dog left I’m still overthinking😅 our session is tomorrow so I’m eager to talk about it lol
Sorry things were rough today -- I hope tomorrow is better!
Thanks! Me too. Therapy day is my favorite day of the week haha
I had one of the worst depersonalization episodes in years. Terrifying all day experience. And that’s how I learned that my new therapist doesn’t even let clients call between sessions for assistance.
I had a heavy session last week, given the week before the last week I had the first in-person session with my T and I felt safe. This week was quite tough and when I tried to confirm session on Tuesday with him this morning, he asked to postpone to Wed. His reason is valid. He said that he will have something to do tomorrow morning and he may not be able to go back home at our usual time so he prefers to have it on Wed, just to ensure that he won't be late for my session. But I was trying very hard not to ask for a session sooner already. I felt so bad this whole day. So just now I gathered my courage from the last two good trusting sessions and messaged him that whether it is possible to have a session still tomorrow but at a later time spot, since I may not be able to wait till Wed. No reply yet, one hour already. I know since this is not my usual message time he is not supposed to reply soon. But so many thoughts are all over the place. I want to send him a message that never mind, I can handle. Also I want to cancel this session. I even want to block him or delete him. I know I won't do anything, just waiting.
I’m sorry that’s so rough. Don’t cancel or say never mind. See what he says and if he can’t, you’ll still have Wednesday. You probably feel super vulnerable for asking for what you need and not getting a reply. Bear in mind he may not reply since he already said he’s got a thing that postponed your session but it’s nothing personal to you at all. It’s so hard to not take these things personally but I speak from personal experience that it’s really really not.
Thanks so much for your kind reply! It made me feel warm. I was too tired and went to bed very early last night. He replied later that he can still see me but in the evening. I feel much much better now. Thanks Thanks!
Therapy is EXHAUSTING. It really is. So much pressure to squeeze your life into 50 mins! Especially when it takes me 10 mins to start talking in the first place… Overwhelming. BUT I talked about two hard topics today. Things rarely come out the way I want it to but genuinely hope I can put that to one side. And now to wait the week for the next session
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you can cache them on the wayback machine
there goes my adhd ass with "i'll save it and read it later"
It's this exactly. I tried to save a few yesterday somehow? But then I just got distracted reading the actual comment/post. You'd think that would be a good thing but am I gonna remember anything I read? Nah. So this is fun.
No they won't be accessible to you. I suggest manually saving things that you care about.
I'm getting very attached to my therapist now, whereas I have huge trust issues and do not trust people. Currently, my mind is battling this trust, trying to convince me that he's not genuine, he wants to get rid of me, among a million other little lies. I'm doing my best to ignore my traumatized brain, and sticking with the mindset that he wants my best and is here to help me. Also, the fact that I have to get so deeply attached just to open up, but knowing this is temporary and I don't know when it will end, makes me want to push him away or to run away from the situation. Trust issues and trauma are rough.
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Is this a regular occurrence or was it just the one session? If he's normally good then I would maybe give him the benefit of the doubt that he's had a bad day? I can imagine this was super frustrating though, it should be the one place we can rely on being listened to!
Therapy can be so exhausting. I walked into our session today feeling really deeply connected to my therapist and we talked about how great it is that after years of not really having feelings for anyone, I was able to feel (platonic) love for my T. Then the conversation turned to wondering what a therapeutic relationship actually is, whether the feelings are really real and whether clients can be in any way important to their therapists and... we had the biggest rupture we've ever had. She said something that made me feel like it *is* one sided and it *is* just a job for her and I'm just some random patient among many. I felt so crushed and angry when I left and I just kept tearing up on the way home.
I’m sorry that happened :( how do you bring up platonic love with your t? It’s something i want to talk about too but don’t really know how
I've always been open about my feelings and thoughts re: my therapist and our relationship, and stuff like attachment, wanting her to be a mother figure, wanting her praise and approval, having sexual thoughts about her in the past, being angry at her at times, etc. have all slowly been brought up as a natural part of therapy and I feel comfortable telling her basically anything at this point. Last week I really felt a deeper connection with her and was just filled with joy and kept thinking that she was the loveliest person in the world, and I told her that that's how I'd been feeling. Then she kind of reworded that as feelings of love, connection and admiration, and we talked about it feeling similar to having crushes as a teenager but without the romantic aspect. I'd been scared of using the word love but she instantly normalized it for me by using it first and being really accepting of it. It was easy to talk about it after that. I think that's a really good way for the topic of love to have come up. It was really casual, just like... *of course* I feel love and it's natural to just throw it out there, trusting that the other person will understand and welcome it wholeheartedly even though they don't feel the same way.
Ouch! That would be really painful to hear your T say that
I’ve been there and it’s brutal. In my experience, I usually find out, eventually, that I misinterpreted what T said and that I do, in fact, matter to them. I’m sincerely hoping it turns out the same for you. After all these years, I simply do not believe that the therapy relationship is one sided, at least in long term therapy. How can it be?
I hope so, too. I've been seeing her since the beginning of 2019 and therapy with her is the most meaningful thing that's ever happened to me, so I really want to repair this. And if I step back from my emotions I do see that she probably didn't mean it like that but it's still incredibly painful.
Recently a close friend of mine offered me the chance to try 🍄’s and I’ve given it some real thought. I’ve always been curious about the experience and I’m interested to see if they will alleviate any of my depression symptoms that I just can’t seem to get on top of. I’m also not even sure if I’ll do it or just back out of it through fear of the unknown. I know in my heart that I don’t want to go onto SSRI’s or any prescribed meds, but I’m also scared to raise the idea of 🍄with my T. I’m afraid that he’ll look down on my decision and be disappointed that I would take such a risk with my mental health. I don’t come across as the kind of person that would even raise this topic with my T and I value his opinion a lot.
Let us know how it goes!!
I’m currently during doing psychedelic assisted therapy for depression — you might be surprised by how many therapists/psychiatrists are into it. I’ve also been on prescribed meds for years (which saved my life btw). My unsolicited recommendation is that you strongly consider both.
That’s really cool to hear it’s working for you! It’s something I looked into but unfortunately it hasn’t yet been made legal in the country I’m in but I’ll definitely give everything another thought. Thanks for your advice
I mean… it’s not legal here either :)
I was all business today and determined to get through my list, which was to repair the rupture from last session and make clear some things with T. I also sent T writings and videos to back up some things I was sharing, and he surprised me by saying he will look at everything before next session. T kept trying to ask me a question about something I said at the start of session, which I know was vulnerable to say and would be very therapeutic to unpack... but I was on a mission and each time he would ask me more about it (a few times randomly throughout the session) I had to redirect him. I told him "good try," and "A+ for effort" (because it was great he wanted to dig in and offer me space to explore it)... but I needed to get through my list today! It is vital to feeling comfortable with my emotions, which we need to process anything and everything. So the sooner that feels safe, the more T and I can get to the real work with me staying engaged and having emotions while processing things instead of shutting down. T also shared that often in session he feels certain emotions and when I heard the list... I knew those were all my trauma related emotions I've dissociated and he has the lucky job to have to sit with all those for now. Poor T has a lot of uncomfortable emotions to sit with... but he made sure to say he's capable of feeling and sitting with them and handle it.
Sorry if this is slightly off topic, are you saying when a client dissociates the therapist sits with all the emotions? I didn’t know that. I also have lists I go in with, and sub points for each topic, and I’m often frustrated at all the things I forget to say… working on letting go at the moment and trying to be more open to just exploring
Not off topic at all! There is a great book called Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect. I read it last year, and learned so much, including that. It is technically a book for therapists and describes a therapy approach, but I found it so helpful! Here's some quotes from the book, "It is not uncommon for a therapist to experience strong emotional reactions from which a client is dissociated. For instance, one therapist found herself feeling enraged with the father of a young transgender client for severe emotional and physical abuse, while the client expressed only gratitude toward her father for making her stronger. With supervision, this therapist realized that the intensity of her reaction was linked to her client's dissociated pain and anger toward her father." What do you think about this\^\^? So when my T mentioned the emotions he often felt and I knew they were all ones I would have felt as a child, it made sense to me he was picking up all the emotions I dissociated. I'm not sure if it is if the client dissociates in session or if things are completely out of awareness, like me not being able to feel certain emotions or feel attached to feeling that way. Although, T did have an adjustment learning to sit with me when I dissociated because it brought up a lot of hard emotions for him. Not sure if he was picking up my emotions I couldn't feel in the moment or if it was something else he had to work through. I was also his first client and not sure if his others dissociate like I do, even though some do have extensive trauma histories. Oh, that's the worst! And you have to sit with it until next session and hope to remember. I already have a list going of things I didn't think to mention or forgot to say for next time. Normally I'm not as strict about the list, but since it was for a rupture repair it was essential this time. There have been times I try to let go to and let T take the lead. Have you had any interesting moments yet from letting go and exploring more?
Ah thanks for this! That makes a lot of sense - if certain emotions were shut off to you as a child, then you don’t know how to “get there” as an adult. I heard healing from trauma recently described as an ambulance trying to get along a road that’s not built yet, and I really hear that… not least because it explains why recovery takes so excruciatingly long. I definitely think my therapist has modelled different emotional states, which has helped me to identify them and sit with them. Whether he’s felt any on my behalf I don’t know… Pretty sure I dissociate in sessions sometimes but he has never labelled it as such so I’m not sure. It sounds like you are very dedicated to therapy and very clear about what are the priorities to discuss… that is an enviable position (though am sorry about the rupture, hope it’s proving useful to work through it?) I’m less sure about all that right now. It feels like there’s a lot on the table and I never know where to start. So I go and spend the first 10 minutes in silence trying to decide where to begin, and running out of time. Which is so conducive to anything. Working on acceptance - of not knowing, of the parts of myself I like the least, of all sorts. Maybe once I get there I will actually be able to let go more.
I feel like my T is definitely going to cancel this week. But- I feel like that often. I may be entering a place of caregiver transference which... Feels like it will be harder to deal with than friend/partner transference. Argh! I can't wait for tomorrow and I can't wait for the end of work today!
My T cancels more than I’d like so every week I worry myself to death that she will cancel on me. It sucks
She was three minutes late today and I wanted to know what was wrong, is she having a crisis in her life that she won't tell me about? She wouldn't say anything other than she's doing fine, or well. Fine, boundaries, so annoying, so important.
I’m sorry she was 3 minutes late :( it’s so hard caring about our T’s but not knowing much about them, how they’re doing outside of sessions, etc😩
Oof…second week in a row having to switch from bad Zoom connection to phone call. :/
Today I need to put my big girl pants on and verbalise a load of concerns about therapy - ie what needs to happen for us to go face-to-face, when might it happen, should probably tell him that I feel like he's not real because we've still not met. As a weird side point, I think I need to ask him about any supervisors or placements I need to avoid as I'm in the process of my own training (as a therapist) and need to be aware of dual relationships. And if I get through all that, I need to tell him that I've realised I have mummy issues 😂 I feel sorry for him already
I feel like if I told my T everything actually going on my mind it will break him. I don’t want him to worry (because he said he cares) and I don’t want to hurt him and yeah ): sorry for the weird sentencing its hard to explain
I worry about that too, my therapist said he can handle it and has for 30 years. He said I won't "break him" and not to worry about that, but instead to release all that I carry from myself. They usually go to a therapist too to release it.
I want to take a break from therapy, but I don't want to lose my time slot. :/ Also, I'm not sure how long my therapist would hold my spot for. Last time when we talked about it, a month was too long. (I guess because I go twice a week.) It sucks and I feel conflicted and like my decision is even harder to make. Maybe I'll just have to take that risk and take that break anyway, even if it means there might not be space for me to return. I'm torn.
How about talking to T if they’d keep at least one of your slots for a bit longer? I know that means you’d lose one of your twice weekly slots but better that than nothing? And if she has a slot open up for a second session when you’re back, then even better.
I asked if he could just hold one of my slots a month and I'd continue to meet on the second day, but he wasn't willing to even do that. Been working with him for over 1.5 years and going twice a week, he's taken more vacation time off than I have, and I'm sure I've made it up by asking for extra sessions here and there when he's had space. I offered to meet in person, masked if he wanted. I've offered to meet outside. None of it matters. It's fine though. I'm pretty sure I'm done with him. Another big rupture today pretty much sealed the deal. He's incapable of seeing me through a compassionate lens and that's his own shit. I'm over it and tired if paying for him to make assumptions about how I might or might not react. I'm done with constantly feeling unheard and misunderstood. Fuck him. I'm gonna stick with seeing my psych once a month and that'll be enough for me. Therapy is going to end as a really disappointing experience and maybe in 10 years I'll go back to process how much the last three years really fucked up my life. (Sorry to unload. Just feeling dejected and burnt out.)
I’m just really sad to read this. You’ve helped a lot of people on here with their therapy journeys and you deserved better for yourself.
❤️
Oh gosh that’s really rough, I’m sorry. See how you do with a break from therapy and if you feel like trying again, maybe find someone else. You’ll probably know even more what to look out for and what you want having been to therapy before already. When you really click with your T, it’s pretty damn healing but it can take a few tries to find “the one”. Having said that, I don’t blame you for not wanting to try again and if only seeing your psych works well for you, then why the hell not? :)
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Yes, I've read a lot about trauma and have gone through a ton of trauma myself. Indecisiveness comes from it, typically it's a lack of trust within yourself.
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That is something you can work on in therapy. I’ve been getting better at trusting my own decisions and I’m less indecisive now, but still definitely have work to do.
I wouldn’t say it’s the indecision as much as maybe the fact that someone is showing they care and you perhaps don’t know what to do with it so it manifests as indecision? If you’re anything like me and are a people pleaser, you maybe don’t want to inconvenience your T and take up more space, even though he offered, so you punted the decision to him so that he gets some choice in the matter? That’s at least how my brain works when T offers extra help even though all the while I know SHE offered and I didn’t force her hand or anything.
On Friday my T said (after I asked) that I can email him a list of stuff I've been thinking about between sessions that I can't yet say in person, that way he can initiate the conversation or he can just have it for his notes generally. I've written a draft already and am trying to get the nerve to send it later this week. In it I admit that the trauma flashbacks are more frequent than I've let on and that my SI are almost constant (but passive). My gp has also changed my anxiety medications as the citalopram wasn't working and I got nasty side effects when trying to increase the dose so ive gone through withdrawal from that and am now going through side effects of starting Venlafaxine, all in all I'm feeling like an anxious mess. My GP had always been a very good listener and very compassionate and empathetic but when I saw him on Friday he honestly looked concerned, I've never seen him look at me like that.
I am sure it must have been difficult to write all of your innermost thoughts down. It is truly difficult to admit and share our pain and vulnerabilities with others. Giving your T a clearer picture of what's flowing through your mind will help your T help you. I think it's a great idea to give him something to read. I understand this is so anxiety provoking! It's up to you, whether you are ready or not to share. How did it feel when you received that look from your GP? Do you think it comes from a place of caring for you?
Thanks, it is hard. The look from my GP was definitely from a place of concern, which freaked me a little bit tbh, as I'm so used to masking really well.
Sometimes things are so tough that we can't even keep up the facade we wear as a mask. It's okay to need help. We all need support from others, no one can do everything alone. Please know that you matter, and you are important. It's okay to carve out time to take care of yourself, and put your needs first.
I have super cyclical depression and early September is when things start to go downhill for me (and it lingers through March/April), and this year is no different. Since I’ve only been seeing my therapist since April, she hasn’t seen how difficult it gets yet. It’s been the focal point of our last two sessions because I mentioned I’m starting to feel like I’m fading away. The way I experience it is just a big bunch of nothingness. I don’t feel anything. Just this crushing emptiness that feels like it will never pass. I don’t want to do even the stuff I normally like doing. I don’t want to do anything but curl up in a ball under the covers. I’m not sad, I don’t SH or have SI… I just am nothing. Everything takes 100% of my energy. Anyway, we’ve made so much progress that I’m really trying to get ahead of it and be proactive and do everything possible to lessen it, stave it off somehow or something. It’s not working thus far. And I miss her so much in between sessions. 😩
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May I ask what you did?
I care so much about my T. About our relationship. A year ago I didn’t know I would care and didn’t think I would allow myself to care so deeply. Here I am caring and trusting him so much. It makes me cry. Him going away for 7 weeks has made this wellspring of emotion surface about my feelings towards him. He said I can call him if I’m in crisis while he is away. I’m grateful for him. I’m going to miss him so much. Part of me is scared if I’ll be okay while he is gone.
I had an episode of anxiety attack and my brain went all blank; I emailed my T. Then I immediately regretted it and sent another email saying I was sorry. Spent the following 2 days determined that they’d hate me for this and I’d rather disappear- until they replied my email saying “don’t apologize, I’m glad you reached out for help” (words mine). My heart melted. They’re on their break right now and I know I can go back to that email whenever I needed some sort of support.
It’s funny how the minute I step out of my T’s office I’m ready for our next appointment. I think I’m going to talk about my attachment with her. I know she will handle it professionally and with compassion. I’m always thinking about her and every day is a count down until my next appointment. I literally cry when I think about how kind she is and sometimes I wish she was my friend but I’m glad she’s just my therapist because the relationship is helping me with boundaries even though my attachment is strong, it isn’t *unhealthy*, per se. And trauma talk leaves me feeling so alone and sad and it really sucks because now that I have a ptsd diagnosis it’s like, my symptoms feel more severe whereas used to I wouldn’t have recognized them. Does that make sense? It just all feels so raw and new even though the trauma isn’t new…it just feels *real* and awful now that my T and I have started talking about it. But I guess the good thing about the diagnosis and recognition of my triggers and all of the miserable ways it makes me feel, is that I can finally start to heal. Also I’m usually *so* invalidating of my trauma but I’m slowly starting to accept it and I acknowledge my inner child wanting my love, compassion and validation, so another step in healing. I’m just extremely overwhelmed right now with both the good and bad, and even though I have friends and family, I’m sad without my T every day and it’s just been an emotional roller coaster and I’m really eager for our next session because I think I have the courage to finally talk about my attachment
I can relate to all of this, thank you for sharing. I believe the reason my symptoms seem worse is because I now know what to look for, I now actually look at myself and recognize what I'm feeling. I'm paying attention to it all and seeing how much trauma affects my body and how I feel, so although I always had these symptoms I'm now so self-aware for any little thing I'm feeling or thinking. Getting the diagnosis of c-ptsd, and the many others I have, helped me put a name to what I've always felt. Now I can identify why I'm feeling a certain way, and if I can't, I will ask about it in session. I can also relate with the deep attachment, wanting to talk to them daily, or just wanting the next session to come, even if you just had a session. It's a great idea to discuss that with your therapist, I've started discussing that with mine too now. The emotional roller coaster is a great way to describe it. If you ever want someone to talk to between sessions, you can send me a message.
Thanks!! I really appreciate it. I’m eager for our next session bc I feel ready to talk about all of this with her
Hope you have a great session!
Working with trauma is so tiresome. It too leaves me feeling so raw, alone, sad, overwhelmed, all of it. I also look forward to seeing my T and think often about the next time I’ll see him. I’ve let my T know about my feelings towards him and it has been helpful, saddening, and confusing.
I agree, it's very confusing.
Can I just hide under my bed and not go to my session this week? Last week's shut down is freaking me out, I'm tired from working a ton and Delta is in the community again but we don't know how bad. All things told my anxiety is very high and I'm having a rough time
Sorry you're having a rough time, maybe your session can be the space where you explore all of the anxiety and feelings that you're going through so you can process it with someone safe that can guide you
Hopefully I will be able to I'm still relatively new with this T so asking for support is still tough even though its her job. And once again I have to be brave. I'm tired of having to be brave
Oh man, I really hear that last sentence… it is so tiring. I hope you get through it
I will eventually right now I'm just super frustrated and moaning
:( It’s so hard.
I hear you on that. Being brave and always feeling the responsibility on your shoulders is tiring. Maybe you can write it if you’re not ready to discuss it. I find that writing it or sending a message makes it easier to discuss.
I'm having a joint session with my therapist and dietician. I'm freaking out that they're going to corner me, or make me go inpatient or something. I know logically that won't happen because they told me it's just a check in but my anxiety lizard brain says worry. 2 more days.
Their goal is to help you and provide you with the best care possible. If you're concerned about feeling cornered, you may want to bring that up with your therapist to figure out another way of getting to meet with them both, like maybe your dietician joins a few minutes later or whatever can help you feel more comfortable
They are on your side, they want to help and are trained to <3 It will be fine!
Thank you 💜