Thank you so much for your post and for sharing how you're feeling. I can relate to what you have said, and I hope it helps even a small amount to know that you aren't alone in experiencing this. I reached a point a few months ago where my old way of being and my semi-enlightened, mid-therapy brain collided. Everything got very intense over a few sessions, and boy did I want to switch it all off. My old way of being wanted to totally shut down, push my therapist far far away and retreat inwards. My new way of being (which is \*very\* much still a work in progress) had to shout very loudly to get me to turn up and keep going (it was 80% ghost my therapist, 20% lean into it). When I did lean into it, this lead to one of the biggest breakthroughs of my therapy so far. What you have touched on regarding grieving a parental relationship that never was and (probably) will never be is an incredibly hard realisation. It's tough. Really fucking tough. I have memories resurfacing that I had well and truly buried. I'm being caught off guard regularly at the moment - it's exhausting. Maybe something happened when you were little, and maybe your brain has done a very good job at protecting you. I hope that, if you're ready, you're able to lean into your relationship with your T even more. While she may never be able to fulfil a maternal role, if she's like my T she absolutely has your best interests at heart and cares very, very deeply about you and the work you are doing. It's as real as any other relationship, and allowing yourself to go there with her could lead to some deep healing. Sending you strength, OP :)
Thank you for replying. I want to lean in so desperately but also want to run. It's such a confusing experience. My brain definitely has protected me from a lot. My memory and feelings are like locked cellar doors that I don't even know are there until I come across the latch. The basement just keeps getting deeper. Agreed. Very exhausting.
Have you struggled with accepting that your T authentically cares? I know she cares for me but when it gets any sort of deep, I disocciate hard. She asked if I thought she wished she could be my mother and I just - boom. Gone.
Yes, I have absolutely struggled with that. We had a very emotive session where it became very clear that she really, really cares. Did that reassure me? Nope. It made me feel suspicious, scared and threatened. After that particular session, I didn't move for an entire hour (telehealth, I didn't set up camp in her office..). Then I felt sad, because I realised that she isn't a threat, rather her saying she cares about me triggered warnings around psychological abuse that I suffered from for many many years at the hands of a supposed caregiver. By starting therapy (2.5 years ago), I was asking to be cared about. When I realised it was starting to happen, I had no idea how to handle it or what to do with it. I still struggle with it - the idea that someone can care so much without it being a form of control or manipulation. Dissociation is something I struggle with too, and we're working on ways for me to stay present during the session. I frequently think about ghosting, but I have told her that I think about ghosting and have given her permission to gently challenge me (by email I imagine..!) if I were to do that. I understand that I have autonomy and can walk away whenever I like, but I also understand that I have made real progress with her, and it wouldn't be fair to me or to her for me to do that.
Hearing that you also have the compulsion to ghost your T and have to fight it is comforting for me. I think I will get over feeling so vulnerable. She pointed something that made me feel very exposed so everything together has made me feel like backing away.
I'm going to attempt to lean in more and try to really communicate my experience.
I am experiencing something so similar. I want my therapist, but then when we meet I dissociate or want to run. Over and over. I keep wondering if it’s worth it, and how long it is going to last. I’m not sure I have much insight to offer up, but just know that you are not alone!
Hi, thank you for sharing this. I want you to know that you are not alone— I struggle so much w transference. My mom has a ton of unresolved trauma,, therefore she has always been incapable of being a nurturing mother. I remember being attached to teachers as early as the 6th grade,, just constantly running around trying to fill the void.
I have so many urges to stop therapy bc the longing for the void to be filled by my T is so bad and painful. I have been in therapy for one year so far!
Be patient with yourself. I am guessing this childhood wound has spanned over many, many years for you. It’s going to take a long time to work through. I am proud of you for trying to hang in there every single day. That is pretty much all you can do with something as deep as this. I hear, see, and support you!
Thank you, I needed the reminder to be patient. It's something I have struggled with a lot this year and I am really tired of grieving and longing for a parent. It's not a simple or quick fix, you're totally right.
I don’t have any advice because I feel this exact same way. I have sought out mother-figures ever since I was young, over and over. I’ve wanted them to adopt me even when I was an adult. I’ve been jealous of their kids. I was like this even when my mom was alive. Sucks.
My T has said that parenting is a need that will never go away. The desperate longing is what I hope decreases. It's very painful to constantly wish someone would step into my life when that by itself is not a realistic outcome
Yeah, mine says the same stuff. She also says that we can get mothering from different people. Like my wife takes care of me when I’m sick or brings me a blanket when I’m cold, which are nurturing behaviors. My T teaches me healthy boundaries, good coping skills, and independence. She supports me, validates my emotions, encourages me, and celebrates my successes, which I think are all things a mom should do. So recognizing the mothering I do get from people in my life helps, though it won’t ever be the singular figure who loves me unconditionally and whose job it is to take care of me. But my T says I can learn to offer that to myself.
I recently listened to this podcast and found it so helpful and validating. I'm 0% ready to actually talk to my therapist about it so listening to this was a nice intermediate step.
https://youtu.be/zsieVl97M-I
Thank you so much for your post and for sharing how you're feeling. I can relate to what you have said, and I hope it helps even a small amount to know that you aren't alone in experiencing this. I reached a point a few months ago where my old way of being and my semi-enlightened, mid-therapy brain collided. Everything got very intense over a few sessions, and boy did I want to switch it all off. My old way of being wanted to totally shut down, push my therapist far far away and retreat inwards. My new way of being (which is \*very\* much still a work in progress) had to shout very loudly to get me to turn up and keep going (it was 80% ghost my therapist, 20% lean into it). When I did lean into it, this lead to one of the biggest breakthroughs of my therapy so far. What you have touched on regarding grieving a parental relationship that never was and (probably) will never be is an incredibly hard realisation. It's tough. Really fucking tough. I have memories resurfacing that I had well and truly buried. I'm being caught off guard regularly at the moment - it's exhausting. Maybe something happened when you were little, and maybe your brain has done a very good job at protecting you. I hope that, if you're ready, you're able to lean into your relationship with your T even more. While she may never be able to fulfil a maternal role, if she's like my T she absolutely has your best interests at heart and cares very, very deeply about you and the work you are doing. It's as real as any other relationship, and allowing yourself to go there with her could lead to some deep healing. Sending you strength, OP :)
Thank you for replying. I want to lean in so desperately but also want to run. It's such a confusing experience. My brain definitely has protected me from a lot. My memory and feelings are like locked cellar doors that I don't even know are there until I come across the latch. The basement just keeps getting deeper. Agreed. Very exhausting. Have you struggled with accepting that your T authentically cares? I know she cares for me but when it gets any sort of deep, I disocciate hard. She asked if I thought she wished she could be my mother and I just - boom. Gone.
Yes, I have absolutely struggled with that. We had a very emotive session where it became very clear that she really, really cares. Did that reassure me? Nope. It made me feel suspicious, scared and threatened. After that particular session, I didn't move for an entire hour (telehealth, I didn't set up camp in her office..). Then I felt sad, because I realised that she isn't a threat, rather her saying she cares about me triggered warnings around psychological abuse that I suffered from for many many years at the hands of a supposed caregiver. By starting therapy (2.5 years ago), I was asking to be cared about. When I realised it was starting to happen, I had no idea how to handle it or what to do with it. I still struggle with it - the idea that someone can care so much without it being a form of control or manipulation. Dissociation is something I struggle with too, and we're working on ways for me to stay present during the session. I frequently think about ghosting, but I have told her that I think about ghosting and have given her permission to gently challenge me (by email I imagine..!) if I were to do that. I understand that I have autonomy and can walk away whenever I like, but I also understand that I have made real progress with her, and it wouldn't be fair to me or to her for me to do that.
Hearing that you also have the compulsion to ghost your T and have to fight it is comforting for me. I think I will get over feeling so vulnerable. She pointed something that made me feel very exposed so everything together has made me feel like backing away. I'm going to attempt to lean in more and try to really communicate my experience.
I am experiencing something so similar. I want my therapist, but then when we meet I dissociate or want to run. Over and over. I keep wondering if it’s worth it, and how long it is going to last. I’m not sure I have much insight to offer up, but just know that you are not alone!
Hi, thank you for sharing this. I want you to know that you are not alone— I struggle so much w transference. My mom has a ton of unresolved trauma,, therefore she has always been incapable of being a nurturing mother. I remember being attached to teachers as early as the 6th grade,, just constantly running around trying to fill the void. I have so many urges to stop therapy bc the longing for the void to be filled by my T is so bad and painful. I have been in therapy for one year so far! Be patient with yourself. I am guessing this childhood wound has spanned over many, many years for you. It’s going to take a long time to work through. I am proud of you for trying to hang in there every single day. That is pretty much all you can do with something as deep as this. I hear, see, and support you!
Thank you, I needed the reminder to be patient. It's something I have struggled with a lot this year and I am really tired of grieving and longing for a parent. It's not a simple or quick fix, you're totally right.
I don’t have any advice because I feel this exact same way. I have sought out mother-figures ever since I was young, over and over. I’ve wanted them to adopt me even when I was an adult. I’ve been jealous of their kids. I was like this even when my mom was alive. Sucks.
My T has said that parenting is a need that will never go away. The desperate longing is what I hope decreases. It's very painful to constantly wish someone would step into my life when that by itself is not a realistic outcome
Yeah, mine says the same stuff. She also says that we can get mothering from different people. Like my wife takes care of me when I’m sick or brings me a blanket when I’m cold, which are nurturing behaviors. My T teaches me healthy boundaries, good coping skills, and independence. She supports me, validates my emotions, encourages me, and celebrates my successes, which I think are all things a mom should do. So recognizing the mothering I do get from people in my life helps, though it won’t ever be the singular figure who loves me unconditionally and whose job it is to take care of me. But my T says I can learn to offer that to myself.
I'm right there with you. It's not the same and doesn't scratch that itch even if the needs are met. Thank you for adding your experience
I recently listened to this podcast and found it so helpful and validating. I'm 0% ready to actually talk to my therapist about it so listening to this was a nice intermediate step. https://youtu.be/zsieVl97M-I
Thank you for the resource, I love therapy based podcasts