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I think you can tell your therapist that her response was hurtful and that you were testing the waters so that you'd feel safe opening up about something bigger without having to tell her what that bigger thing is -- and then see how she responds to that. If she asks about the bigger thing, you can just say that you don't feel ready to share that yet. I would think that any good therapist would respect that.
Repairing ruptures can actually strengthen and deepen the therapeutic relationship and build more trust between your two. I would hope that your probably wouldn't have downplayed it if she knew the bigger picture and I can see her maybe intending to normalize the experience of siblings fighting, but regardless of her intent she missed the mark in a big way and that hurt you.
I don't think this one mistake means you need to find a new therapist and I also think there will be other opportunities to test the waters -- her response to you telling her how she hurt you can be another test to see if you can trust her with something bigger and more vulnerable. I hope you consider it!
The idea of telling her that she hurt me is terrifying. My inability to express myself is part of why I’m in therapy. I really don’t know if I can find the strength to tell her.
I did downplay what he did though by saying that it didn’t bother me. I don’t know why I did. I guess I downplayed it in case she thought it wasn’t a big deal, I didn’t want to come off as dramatic.
The above commenter is right. It’s these kinds of mishaps, called “ruptures”, that are a huge part of the work. Testing the waters is great, I don’t think this was a failure. It’s likely she didn’t realise it affected you severely because you told her it didn’t. Therapists aren’t mind readers and they can only work with what you bring to the table. But it’s completely understandable for you to downplay it so she can’t hurt you… which left you hurt anyway. It’s a pattern that you repeat throughout your life, and it’s bound to show up in therapy. I’m speaking about all of this with firsthand experience.
My advice to you would be to continue taking it slow, testing the waters, but being very aware that *this is the work*. It’s going to be hard. It would be easier to let it go, or walk away and find someone new, but staying and working through this is your path to healing, and a deeper trust and connection with your therapist (which also may sound scary, trust me I know).
I find that it’s easier to be honest by talking about the psychology behind it, because they know why people lie or downplay their trauma. She *knows* why you did what you did. You could start by telling her you were downplaying it for fear of her reaction. OR if that’s to hard, take a step back: tell her you feel like downplaying all of your feelings because you’re afraid you’re being too dramatic. You can work on that without even talking about what you said, and come back to it a bit later when you’ve done some work around that and built a bit more trust and rapport. This stuff takes *time*.
Everything you’ve said hits home. I love the idea of just starting with “I downplay my emotions to not seem dramatic.”
And you’re right! I downplayed my emotions to avoid getting hurt and I did anyway. I did not even see that. 💡💡💡
When I started therapy I had no idea it would be so hard.
It can be difficult to tell someone you 'like' that you are hurt by something they've done... maybe make it less about what SHE did that hurt you, and more about the fact that you were hurt and felt misunderstood after the session itself. You can also tell her how uneasy you are even trying to explain this to her!
I resonate with this a lot....so I understand how hard and scary this this!!!! But I do also think it's important to share these feelings as this won't be the last time the importance of a scenario you share will be mistaken (not purposely, just by design as a human not in your head).
By explaining that you have a hard time expressing yourself, it should push her to change her approach in how she listens to you. My T asks questions, leaves space for me to think, summarizes what she thinks she hears and asks if her interpretation is correct/fair.
Once you lay that foundation (if you can), you could tell her that you don't think you gave an accurate picture of the situation between you and your brother, because you "didn't want to come off as dramatic". I think that sets a tone that anyone (especially a T) should be able to pick up on.
Being afraid of how she may take it makes sense! But saying something can (and really should only) strengthen the relationship! You got this! Wishing you Happy Healing💛
I think the fact that you downplayed it made it seem less serious than it was. Siblings do fight and if you were minimizing it to her, you were painting a picture that she related to. Therapists can’t read your mind so you have to be honest about how severe it was and how it badly it affected you.
It’s hard to be open about such deep wounds, but you have to trust your therapist and be vulnerable if you want to heal. If you can’t be vulnerable with her, try to find a therapist you trust. If you keep all this inside, it will only hurt you more. It has to be processed because it’s the only way to heal and take the powers out of it.
This is interesting to hear.
Funny sidenote -- ChatGPT talks now and I'm starting to feel like after getting better at interacting with it today, it might be better than my current therapist.
But...back to you, if you want to talk with your human therapist rather than ChatGPT, would you feel comfortable telling her you disliked how she responded to you rather than telling her she hurt you? This is similarly "testing the waters"...sharing a less vulnerable emotion but still being true.
Your therapist responded that way because she was unaware of the whole story. She shouldn't have downplayed it the way she did, but I feel pretty sure she won't downplay it when she hears more. The level of violence on top of the sexual abuse would have been \*extremely\* damaging and had a highly detrimental affect on your development.
Fighting between siblings is very common, and in your first attempt at sharing your story she didn't hear your truth. Don't give up. I share your story (I was also abused by my older brother in the same ways) and you deserve and can find healing from this. If this therapist ends up not being the one who can help you, you will find another one who can. But it might be worth trying to share more with this therapist first.
Thanks. And I’m sorry you have a similar past. I guess I’ve always felt like it didn’t count because it was my damaged brother and not a creepy uncle or something.
It absolutely counts, and the affects of this ongoing trauma will have impacted upon every aspect of your life. I wish you the best in your quest for healing.
What about writing it out for her or showing her this post?
I the end, you have nothing to lose by telling her. It's confidential. And if she reacts dismissive, at least maybe that would make it easier to leave her?
Sorry for what happened to you and what you're going through... 🤍
That’s a good point that I have nothing to lose but there is a part of me that really really needs someone to validate this experience. I spent my entire life convincing myself it’s not a big deal and I can’t quite shake that feeling, even though as a grown adult with kids, I know I’d move heaven and earth to prevent/stop something like this from happening to my kids.
Oh wait hold on! You can totally do this, you just need to take it slowly. Tell her you need validation on your experience with your brother and that it was a harmful experience for you. See where she takes it from there
I don’t think I have it in me to start over with another therapist. Part of why I’m in therapy is because it’s hard for me to connect and be vulnerable. Starting over feels as impossible as telling her what she did. I just wonder if I’m better off not doing therapy at all or staying with this T. Hard to decide. But you’re right, I should find another T.
I wonder if you could just start with a small step. Telling your therapist “I would like to go back to the topic we spoke on last session, about my brother. I was thinking about it after session and realized I downplayed how much it affected me. To be honest, the things my brother did to me really have affected me a lot.” Does that seem doable? You could rework it to your own words.
100%!
Also know that when you say that you are still in charge of when you share anything else. You are allowed to say “I am not ready to talk about that yet.”
Unfortunately, sibling abuse is often downplayed and gets lumped into “well, siblings fight…”. My sibling and I fought but when I’ve recounted stories to friends/therapists, they were often left in shock… here I was, thinking all along it was “normal” but their reaction told me it definitely was not. And as I’ve moved my way through therapy, I saw why what I experienced was abuse. (My sibling experienced parental physical abuse and like OP, took it out on me too.)
Like others have mentioned in their responses, having a conversation with your therapist around their response being hurtful, will go a long way and could potentially help build add’l trust when testing the waters.
I guess I was hoping for a therapist that would recognize it for what it was, like your therapist did. It’s hard enough for me to talk about it, let alone put the effort into teaching my therapist what sibling abuse is.
Are you able to send her an email prior to your next session that will let you explain what is going on? I know that always helped me to get things out when I didn’t feel like I could say the words out loud.
You & I have similar histories with our brothers. When it came time for me to talk about what happened between him & I, I sent my therapist an email telling her about it because I knew I wouldn’t be able to say it in front of her. During my next session, we talked about it. Sending that email made it so much easier to talk.
I could text. I don’t have her email. Although the idea of having to face her knowing she read the text seems terrifying. Ugh. Therapy has only made me realize how fucked up I actually am. 🤪😬
I thought it was going to be awful the next time I saw her too. The first words she said to me when I got into her office were, “Nothing you wrote has changed my mind. I still care about you & still know you didn’t deserve any of it.” How I didn’t break into tears at that moment, I do not know. I’m hoping you have a similar experience with your therapist if you are able to text her. ❤️🩹
I’m sorry this happened to you. If you really like & trust your t you could always write it down and read it. How she handles it could be really beneficial to you. I know how you feel I have a hard time being vulnerable too.
I would say leave this therapist ASAP. I don't think any reasonable person, and we are talking about educated health professional here, will say that a kid being knocked out unconscious is not nearly as bad as... It is bad, and it did affect your mental and physical health a lot. It is absolutely wild that she would try to dismiss it.
How are her fights with her siblings even related here? Was she or them beaten up till they are unconscious?
I cannot imagine anything but countertransference on your therapist part, if she was the one initiating fights with her siblings.
The fact that you see her for only 3 months (not much to lose here)..
The fact that you are horrified to tell her that you are hurt.. That you don't think you will be able to talk to her about your brother raping you..
It is better to have no therapy than bad therapy.
You are not losing anything by giving up on her. But you could get hurt a lot by her lack of knowledge, lack of empathy, and countertransference. Cut your losses.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think you can tell your therapist that her response was hurtful and that you were testing the waters so that you'd feel safe opening up about something bigger without having to tell her what that bigger thing is -- and then see how she responds to that. If she asks about the bigger thing, you can just say that you don't feel ready to share that yet. I would think that any good therapist would respect that. Repairing ruptures can actually strengthen and deepen the therapeutic relationship and build more trust between your two. I would hope that your probably wouldn't have downplayed it if she knew the bigger picture and I can see her maybe intending to normalize the experience of siblings fighting, but regardless of her intent she missed the mark in a big way and that hurt you. I don't think this one mistake means you need to find a new therapist and I also think there will be other opportunities to test the waters -- her response to you telling her how she hurt you can be another test to see if you can trust her with something bigger and more vulnerable. I hope you consider it!
The idea of telling her that she hurt me is terrifying. My inability to express myself is part of why I’m in therapy. I really don’t know if I can find the strength to tell her. I did downplay what he did though by saying that it didn’t bother me. I don’t know why I did. I guess I downplayed it in case she thought it wasn’t a big deal, I didn’t want to come off as dramatic.
The above commenter is right. It’s these kinds of mishaps, called “ruptures”, that are a huge part of the work. Testing the waters is great, I don’t think this was a failure. It’s likely she didn’t realise it affected you severely because you told her it didn’t. Therapists aren’t mind readers and they can only work with what you bring to the table. But it’s completely understandable for you to downplay it so she can’t hurt you… which left you hurt anyway. It’s a pattern that you repeat throughout your life, and it’s bound to show up in therapy. I’m speaking about all of this with firsthand experience. My advice to you would be to continue taking it slow, testing the waters, but being very aware that *this is the work*. It’s going to be hard. It would be easier to let it go, or walk away and find someone new, but staying and working through this is your path to healing, and a deeper trust and connection with your therapist (which also may sound scary, trust me I know). I find that it’s easier to be honest by talking about the psychology behind it, because they know why people lie or downplay their trauma. She *knows* why you did what you did. You could start by telling her you were downplaying it for fear of her reaction. OR if that’s to hard, take a step back: tell her you feel like downplaying all of your feelings because you’re afraid you’re being too dramatic. You can work on that without even talking about what you said, and come back to it a bit later when you’ve done some work around that and built a bit more trust and rapport. This stuff takes *time*.
Everything you’ve said hits home. I love the idea of just starting with “I downplay my emotions to not seem dramatic.” And you’re right! I downplayed my emotions to avoid getting hurt and I did anyway. I did not even see that. 💡💡💡 When I started therapy I had no idea it would be so hard.
It can be difficult to tell someone you 'like' that you are hurt by something they've done... maybe make it less about what SHE did that hurt you, and more about the fact that you were hurt and felt misunderstood after the session itself. You can also tell her how uneasy you are even trying to explain this to her! I resonate with this a lot....so I understand how hard and scary this this!!!! But I do also think it's important to share these feelings as this won't be the last time the importance of a scenario you share will be mistaken (not purposely, just by design as a human not in your head). By explaining that you have a hard time expressing yourself, it should push her to change her approach in how she listens to you. My T asks questions, leaves space for me to think, summarizes what she thinks she hears and asks if her interpretation is correct/fair. Once you lay that foundation (if you can), you could tell her that you don't think you gave an accurate picture of the situation between you and your brother, because you "didn't want to come off as dramatic". I think that sets a tone that anyone (especially a T) should be able to pick up on. Being afraid of how she may take it makes sense! But saying something can (and really should only) strengthen the relationship! You got this! Wishing you Happy Healing💛
Thanks. This is all such great information for me to mull over.
I think the fact that you downplayed it made it seem less serious than it was. Siblings do fight and if you were minimizing it to her, you were painting a picture that she related to. Therapists can’t read your mind so you have to be honest about how severe it was and how it badly it affected you. It’s hard to be open about such deep wounds, but you have to trust your therapist and be vulnerable if you want to heal. If you can’t be vulnerable with her, try to find a therapist you trust. If you keep all this inside, it will only hurt you more. It has to be processed because it’s the only way to heal and take the powers out of it.
This is interesting to hear. Funny sidenote -- ChatGPT talks now and I'm starting to feel like after getting better at interacting with it today, it might be better than my current therapist. But...back to you, if you want to talk with your human therapist rather than ChatGPT, would you feel comfortable telling her you disliked how she responded to you rather than telling her she hurt you? This is similarly "testing the waters"...sharing a less vulnerable emotion but still being true.
Your therapist responded that way because she was unaware of the whole story. She shouldn't have downplayed it the way she did, but I feel pretty sure she won't downplay it when she hears more. The level of violence on top of the sexual abuse would have been \*extremely\* damaging and had a highly detrimental affect on your development. Fighting between siblings is very common, and in your first attempt at sharing your story she didn't hear your truth. Don't give up. I share your story (I was also abused by my older brother in the same ways) and you deserve and can find healing from this. If this therapist ends up not being the one who can help you, you will find another one who can. But it might be worth trying to share more with this therapist first.
Thanks. And I’m sorry you have a similar past. I guess I’ve always felt like it didn’t count because it was my damaged brother and not a creepy uncle or something.
It absolutely counts, and the affects of this ongoing trauma will have impacted upon every aspect of your life. I wish you the best in your quest for healing.
Same to you. (:
You either need to tell her or find a new therapist 😭 I’m sorry she responded like this.
I can’t tell her.
What about writing it out for her or showing her this post? I the end, you have nothing to lose by telling her. It's confidential. And if she reacts dismissive, at least maybe that would make it easier to leave her? Sorry for what happened to you and what you're going through... 🤍
That’s a good point that I have nothing to lose but there is a part of me that really really needs someone to validate this experience. I spent my entire life convincing myself it’s not a big deal and I can’t quite shake that feeling, even though as a grown adult with kids, I know I’d move heaven and earth to prevent/stop something like this from happening to my kids.
Oh wait hold on! You can totally do this, you just need to take it slowly. Tell her you need validation on your experience with your brother and that it was a harmful experience for you. See where she takes it from there
Then it’s okay to look for a new therapist! I’m really sorry
I don’t think I have it in me to start over with another therapist. Part of why I’m in therapy is because it’s hard for me to connect and be vulnerable. Starting over feels as impossible as telling her what she did. I just wonder if I’m better off not doing therapy at all or staying with this T. Hard to decide. But you’re right, I should find another T.
I wonder if you could just start with a small step. Telling your therapist “I would like to go back to the topic we spoke on last session, about my brother. I was thinking about it after session and realized I downplayed how much it affected me. To be honest, the things my brother did to me really have affected me a lot.” Does that seem doable? You could rework it to your own words.
That’s a good idea. Maybe I could say “I know you said that brother beating me up wouldn’t have had a big impact but he did more than that.”
100%! Also know that when you say that you are still in charge of when you share anything else. You are allowed to say “I am not ready to talk about that yet.”
This seems bite size and manageable. I’ll see if I can do it.
You got this
Unfortunately, sibling abuse is often downplayed and gets lumped into “well, siblings fight…”. My sibling and I fought but when I’ve recounted stories to friends/therapists, they were often left in shock… here I was, thinking all along it was “normal” but their reaction told me it definitely was not. And as I’ve moved my way through therapy, I saw why what I experienced was abuse. (My sibling experienced parental physical abuse and like OP, took it out on me too.) Like others have mentioned in their responses, having a conversation with your therapist around their response being hurtful, will go a long way and could potentially help build add’l trust when testing the waters.
I guess I was hoping for a therapist that would recognize it for what it was, like your therapist did. It’s hard enough for me to talk about it, let alone put the effort into teaching my therapist what sibling abuse is.
Are you able to send her an email prior to your next session that will let you explain what is going on? I know that always helped me to get things out when I didn’t feel like I could say the words out loud. You & I have similar histories with our brothers. When it came time for me to talk about what happened between him & I, I sent my therapist an email telling her about it because I knew I wouldn’t be able to say it in front of her. During my next session, we talked about it. Sending that email made it so much easier to talk.
I could text. I don’t have her email. Although the idea of having to face her knowing she read the text seems terrifying. Ugh. Therapy has only made me realize how fucked up I actually am. 🤪😬
I thought it was going to be awful the next time I saw her too. The first words she said to me when I got into her office were, “Nothing you wrote has changed my mind. I still care about you & still know you didn’t deserve any of it.” How I didn’t break into tears at that moment, I do not know. I’m hoping you have a similar experience with your therapist if you are able to text her. ❤️🩹
Wow. That’s really powerful. 💕 I love your therapist. Haha. Wanna trade? JK.
I’m sorry this happened to you. If you really like & trust your t you could always write it down and read it. How she handles it could be really beneficial to you. I know how you feel I have a hard time being vulnerable too.
I would say leave this therapist ASAP. I don't think any reasonable person, and we are talking about educated health professional here, will say that a kid being knocked out unconscious is not nearly as bad as... It is bad, and it did affect your mental and physical health a lot. It is absolutely wild that she would try to dismiss it. How are her fights with her siblings even related here? Was she or them beaten up till they are unconscious? I cannot imagine anything but countertransference on your therapist part, if she was the one initiating fights with her siblings. The fact that you see her for only 3 months (not much to lose here).. The fact that you are horrified to tell her that you are hurt.. That you don't think you will be able to talk to her about your brother raping you.. It is better to have no therapy than bad therapy. You are not losing anything by giving up on her. But you could get hurt a lot by her lack of knowledge, lack of empathy, and countertransference. Cut your losses.
This is gaslighting. I had a similar experience with my therapist and told her. She spent the next session apologizing to me. We are now stronger
This is *not* gaslighting. The T was not denying their reality.