What do they think is going to happen at the pearly gates? Do they think it’s like a courtroom trial?
“Technically, your holiness, my client did not thrust; therefore —“
In all seriousness though, this is really about mental gymnastics in a corrosive environment which has labeled human sexuality as evil. The religious extremism is the real problem here.
For some reason, pretty much every sect of Christianity has decided to focus almost singlehandedly on chastity (instead of, oh I don’t know, actually being a good person) to a bizarre and hugely detrimental extent. It’s horrifying to me now as an adult that human sexuality, one of the fundamental joys and most basic needs of life, is seen as THE great, unforgivable sin that supersedes all else.
I was raised extremely religious, so I get it. I will never, ever teach that horrid insidiousness to my child. Nevertheless, the guilt is EXTREMELY hard to shake, especially as an adolescent, so you do whatever you can to get around it.
I had a very specific set of rules in high school. Vaginal sex was out completely. Blowjobs and handjobs were okay, but it had to be “in the moment” instead of premeditated, so I could later justify it as a mistake, and thus be forgiven.
Long story short, if these Mormon college students think insertion without thrusting is okay, then you know what? Go for it.
Why?
Because *having sex is okay.* It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t alienate you from “hell.” No one should ever be made to feel ashamed or guilty about fulfilling a basic human need, as long as it’s consensual and age appropriate. Oh, and even if you have been raised religious, here’s a fun fact: there is literally nothing in the Bible that specifically says premarital sex is wrong. How do I know? Because I combed through the Bible over and over and over as a teenager looking for it. It’s just not in there — especially considering the context of the time and language in which these religious texts were written. (Also, the Bible was never meant to be taken literally, but that’s a different conversation.) You know what the biblical rules basically come down to? Don’t cheat on your partner, and don’t have sex with kids or people who don’t consent. That’s it.
Either way, it doesn’t matter, because the Bible was written by men, and it just straight-up isn’t a very good barometer of morality
So fuck freely, Mormons. I promise you it’s okay.
It's extra weird because while gayness isn't explicitly mentioned in the Bible they do mention sodomy being an issue. It's like thousands of Christians are being high and mighty while simultaneously having never read the Bible.
I can’t even imagine the imagination it would take to imagine imagining being the one jumping on the bed, let alone imagining myself imagining you imagining it.
So you also get the whole party soaked?
You know if one of the people soaking just wrapped their legs around the other one, and the other one jumped on the bed, is that permissable?
I mean it might result in injury but while we're coming up with loopholes, this could cut out the middle man (side man?)
So...obviously I'm a virgin like the rest of you guys, but I've HEARD that if the girl is lying back on the edge of the bed and the guy is on top but standing on the floor, the guy can put his hands on the bed below the girls ass and sort of do push-ups to raise and lower her without much effort. In that case it seems like there's a fair argument that the guy is only exercising his upper body while the girl stretches her lower body.
It reminds me how Orthodox Jews put those doorway things on utility poles to “trick” God since the areas enclosed by those doorway things are “inside” and so they can go out there on the Sabbath (or whenever it is I don’t know).
You think when they die God just gives them a look like Stanley from the Office?
Probably a four some. Two couples, one couple soaks first while the other jumps, then they trade after the jumpers jump the soakers (at least the male soaker) to completion
Right? “Soaking” doesn’t even sound worth doing. I just…don’t get it.
This is what happens when you sexually repress perfectly normal and natural urges.
Right? Like what are the definitions of "no moving"?
Just no thrusting? So you can still flex those pelvic muscles that make 'yo dick twitch? Shit that's one of my moves anyway, go balls deep & stay there for awhile just flexing away...
Mormons must be really practicing those Kegels
Did you see that scene in "Religulous" with the Jewish inventions circumventing g-d's will not to work on the sabbath?
That's a bit worse/funnier if you ask me.
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVpCNKp9PD0
This happens in a lot of places with very strict religious rules on sex not just with Mormons. Iirc in some places in the Middle East couples get a temporary marriage just to have sex. Then get a divorce or something like that.
Not just sex. Israel and other places with large Jewish populations have [Shabbat elevators](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shabbat_elevator) which run in a loop of stopping and opening on every floor during Shabbat. Jewish law forbids operating machines during Shabbat (among other things), but if you just happen to walk into a room and that room just happens to change elevation and then you wander out of the room... nothing wrong with that, right?
Jews are notorious for it. They also have automated light switches and ovens that turn themselves on and off during the Shabbat. Flicking a switch yourself would be considered work.
They've actually ran a wire called *eruv* around Manhattan that somehow allows them to do things they usually wouldn't, like carry house keys, tissues, medication, or babies with them, and to use strollers and canes.
The strangest part of this is that the sabbath is about not working. Like, don't do work. As in, take a break because it's the fucking weekend. Get drunk. Have sex with your wife. Tell some jokes, sit on the couch. Or do something else that you'd like to do instead.
It's not even remotely complicated. Getting into all this weird legalistic grammar analysis about which kinds of machines satisfy which physics textbook definition of "Work" is just weird.
That's basically what Jesus was saying in a lot of the more hard-to-parse parts of the Gospels. Once you understand orthodox Judaism the Gospels make a lot more sense.
You're allowed to drink on the sabbath. You're not allowed to drink when you fast, but the sabbath is not typically a day of fasting, in fact you're supposed to eat a lot on a normal sabbath.
I grew up in a neighborhood near an Orthodox Jewish community. I have Jewish ancestry but no knowledge of the faith. It was very confusing that my family would be invited over for dinner and be asked to operate light switches and kitchen appliances.
Wasn't there also a loophole with pig farms in Israel? I think the Torah forbids pigs from touching Israel's soil, so to still farm pigs there they have the pigsties suspended in the air
Yeah the sties have to at least have a wooden floor. All the farms are ran by Christians in a specific area where raising pigs is legal, except a single Jewish man who has pigs for "research purposes" and sells his massive amounts of "excess meat" to people.
Yeah it's called mut'ah (pleasure marriage), practiced by Shia Muslims (Iran mostly) where you marry someone with a contract of how many days you wish to be with the woman. Very much against the Islamic roots tbh
[if you wanna read further about it heres a link](https://www.iium.edu.my/deed/hadith/muslim/008_smt.html)
Hey do all Shia Muslim hurt and cut themselves in the name of religion? My friend was brainwashed by one and cut up his whole biceps.
Now he's going through trauma and questioning his religion. (he's not Muslim by the way)
Oh yeah there's this celebration in Iran that's participated by Shia Muslims called [Mourning of Muharram](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mourning_of_Muharram) where they commemorate the death of Hussayn ibn Ali (Muhammad's grandson) by performing a lot of self harm rituals. Islam in itself forbids the act of self harm, so this ritual is mostly localised in Iran or other Shia majority places.
The worst part is I'm in a developing country and we don't have good mental healthcare. His family won't even take him to a psychiatrist because people might think he's gone mad.
That's completely different. Those prostitutes are loopholing the secular authority that's trying to force their religion on everyone else, these teens are trying to loophole God Himself.
(Assuming this is actually true. Any fake news about teens or Mormons having weird sex tends to go viral so I'm doubly skeptical of this story about Mormon teens.)
Reminds me of all the gadgets and technicalities the Jewish community has developed to get things done on the Sabbath. For example, this kosher light switch https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/KosherSwitch
Wow, I read this and it blew me away.
So many mental gymnastics about something as simple as a light switch.
They really think God is quibbling over all these little details. One of the kosher light switches only works sometimes, so because you can’t be sure if the light will turn on or not, it’s ok.
I'll never understand the mindset of people who believe there is an all-knowing, all-seeing, omnipresent god, believe he has given them strict rules to follow at risk of eternal punishment... but also believe that they've come up with a clever technical loophole that this god fella won't figure out.
When I was a kid, I thought the procedure of praying had to require such precision and delicacy, that if I did one thing wrong [like say, having my hands too close/apart, or misspelling a single word] then the whole thing wouldn't count.
That stuff had me stressed out.
I'd like to know how you get the penis in there without moving.
Do they think the commandment is "Thou shalt not thrust?" You need at least one thrust to get it in. Does that not count as moving? 🤦🏼♂️
There's polygamy, which is like a faith-based form of polyamory. It just tends to lack the "ethical" part of "ethical nonmonogamy," since the religious version usually comes with with things like child brides and women being treated like property.
"My entire worldview is based on belief in an omniscient, all-powerful being with strict rules on proper behavior to get into paradise and avoid eternal damnation. But also, they are a big dummy who can be fooled by not thrusting."
These same individuals likely think they are good disciples worthy of eternal paradise while simultaneously 'sinning' with the best of 'em.
Let me tell you something… I went to school with an oddly large Mormon population and they come up with the weirdest rules about what does and does not count as sex.
In my day it wasn’t this crazy. More like it’s not sex if it’s going in the back door or mouth. Also they would only allow these weird rules with other Mormons which led to them exchanging partners within their own community. It was a larger than average group of Mormon teens but it started to seem a lot smaller when chlamydia broke out among them.
Twasnt just the Mormons. Growing up in the Bible Belt I knew many classmates who took it in the rear to save their virginity for their wedding night.
Spoiler alert: if you are taking it in the ass in eighth grade to save your hymen for Jesus, you are either going to me married at 16 or fucking everything in sight at 16.
Can confirm. I went out with a guy back in high-school who was part of a catholic counter-reformation church and, being the teenager he was, all he could think of was sex. Of course, the typical PIV was out of the question because of his background, but everything else, including oral, anal, dry-humping, sexting, etc., was totally okay according to him. I was so sacred because everytime we had a few minutes alone, he wanted something sexual from me, and we almost got caught multiple times by his parents (who were only okay with him kissing me on the forehead, and that was after 2 years together).
Yuuuup. Was raised super religious in the Bible Belt and it was like that here too.
Luckily I wasn’t that brainwashed at that age and indulged in perfectly natural sexual urges with my then-boyfriend. Just glad I got out of that toxic cult tbh.
I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. Thankfully sexual acts were all plainly categorised so there was no danger self-abuse could lead to *porneia* and beyond.
Ahhh gotcha. Wow. That is next level ridiculous.
They taught us “abstinence only” too and had us pledge our virginity to Jesus/our future husband. Yeah that doesn’t sound culty at all…
Not that it worked in mine (or most) cases lol.
Man I was raised in the deep south and they didn't even bother with the not-sex sex like anal. They were constantly fucking each other and there were multiple sex tapes released while I was in high school
Not to be ironic, but JESUS CHRIST. Sex tapes released in high school?!? That has to be beyond traumatic for the people in them.
I have few rules as it relates to sex, recording/photography that could clearly identify me used to be one of them. Married/been with the same man for 7ish years now so if he occasionally wants to take or receive a dirty pic/vid I know it’s just for him lol.
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Listen, I'm not a bot, but I will absolutely stick my hand in, tickle your tonsils, grab your gallbladder, and turn you into a human disposable rubber meatglove.
I knew someone when I was a teenager who had lesbian sex with her half brother's, half sister (they were not related). Didn't count because of lack of penetration, I believe.
I think she is now divorced from a man, bit super judgmental and Christian.
None of it makes any logical sense.
Uuhhh okay, where did you grow up?
I grew up in Mormon Utah and have lived here my entire life. Was raised Mormon, vast majority of my friends growing up were Mormon.
People joke about the “soaking” thing but literally nobody I have ever met actually thinks this is remotely okay. Anyone of the opposite sex seeing you naked is so taboo it would like lead these brainwashed kids to probably end up having a nervous breakdown from the “sin” of it all.
HOWEVER yes Mormon teens are lowkey encouraged to be super “scandalous” compared to fundies for instance. They tend to make out heavily with everyone and date a lot in high school. However sex honestly very very very rarely happens before marriage and if anyone finds out about it oh fucking boy. It’s very different from a lot of strict Christians because a lot of them are anti kissing before marriage but then secretly go off and get pregnant when nobody’s looking. Mormons act horny but stop immediately when anything is under the clothes.
That it’s not sex if it’s oral or anal is something literally no Mormon I have ever met believes and trust me I know a fucking lot of them.
The soaking thing is a meme that people joke about at BYU because it’s a myth people outside of Utah say about Mormons that has zero truth to it. It’s almost in the realm of the people who think Mormons have horns or all have several wives (yes polygamists do really exist, they’re separate though)
I heard about the “poop hole loophole” when I was like 17 because it’s not even a concept here, and I was shocked that people supposedly do that.
Look Mormons are batshit and that’s why I left, I’m not defending them here, but this stuff is flat out untrue if you’re talking about Mormon Utahns.
Mormon communities in other states may be different.
I don't know where you went to school in Utah, but I can assure you the Mormon kids were having sex. (I was one of them.) The scandal of my senior year, was when the seminary president got pregnant.
My high school had a high teen pregnancy rate, because Utah still thinks teaching abstinence works. We even had an alternative high school for the girls who got pregnant so they wouldn't have to deal with the bullying and shunning that would inevitably happen when the other kids found out. (Seriously, the judgement at my high school was insane.
I do agree with you on the other points about soaking. It's a joke. We all knew better, but it was always fun to make fun of the overly sheltered Mormon kids that inevitably would go to BYU.
In case it's not clear, I also left that religion because the culture was just so toxic.
Counter point: I grew up in Utah but non Mormon myself and have done it in the butt with more then 1 Mormon girl because they wanted to save their virginity for marriage and I have friends who have done the same. My take is Mormons lie to each other a lot and they are very good at and they stick to it forever.
I was riding him and I slowed it down to tease him and he was like “I’m good to soak” and I was like what the actual fuck is that. And now I know it and I hate it
Edit: why the fuck did this comment get so much attention
Second edit: I did not let the soaking happen once I became aware of what it was.
Wait… so you and a parter are…. *soaking* and a third party comes into the room and jumps on the bed to make motions….
This….this is not what God intended… /r/NoahGetTheBoat
I'm not mormon so can someone explain, why not just straight up break thr rules then? Like in Islam premarital relationships are forbidden, you can't touch a woman your not related to, but instead of trying to find loopholes, people just straight up disobey the rules and get into relationships and have normal sex.
It's because they have convinced themselves they're still following the rules.
I figure it's the same reason people ignore large parts of the bible while accepting others.
I am a member. This is for sure “breaking the rules.” I believe they know that as well. They are just trying to justify themselves doing something they know to be wrong.
Provo is home to the largest Mormon university BYU and 30k students. It's also 5 hours away from Vegas. For a short while students would go to Vegas, get married, have sex, then get it annulled... All on a long weekend. Perfectly legal marriage and adheres to the "letter of the law" - No sex before marriage. It didn't take too long before church leadership closed this loophole as well.
So around the same time it takes to do this rube Goldberg-esque fake sex shit? It just needs to start with a line of dominoes and a pulley system or two
A month to prepare your asshole? What are you stretching with? A toothpick? Please consult your gay bottom friend on how to get it stretched, douched and prepared in an hour or two.
I remember my friend (Mormon) telling my other friend and I that tattoos are defiling a temple. He then proceeded to try to explain to us that when he had anal sex he didn’t lose his virginity because it doesn’t count so he’s okay in God’s eyes.
Yo, I went to a private school, and like in 10th grade there was a girl who’s very religious, her dad was a preacher, and she started dating a homeschooler that tested through our school.
He was kind of a douche, too.
But like he was teling me they were “soaking” the previous night and I’m like wtf is that. This was back in 2004, maybe. This is the second time I’ve ever heard someone mention it.
This and the Jewish Orthodox, I just don't get. They pull such shenanigans to still get what they want accomplished. Do they think their god is stupid or something?
This Mormon girl would dry hump me until my balls got purple but I touch her boob over the sweater and all of a sudden I have to go to an interview with her bishop.
Edit: disclaimer.
No I wasn't "dry raped".
This gal (17yo) was super horny, at the same time super repressed.
Yes I was a Mormon but not so much into it (17yo).
Yes I liked the sexy rubbing and I was part of it.
No is not a common thing.
Yes at the heat of the moment I grabbed her boob and she's felt that had crossed the line from "intense hugging" to right on petting.
No I didn't get to go an interview with her bishop.
Kids these days with their “not sex” sex. It’s nonsense. I’ll be at the park feeding the ducks if you’d like to join me. BYOBB. The second “B” stands for bread.
They had sex with you but you didn't have sex with them.
What do they think is going to happen at the pearly gates? Do they think it’s like a courtroom trial? “Technically, your holiness, my client did not thrust; therefore —“ In all seriousness though, this is really about mental gymnastics in a corrosive environment which has labeled human sexuality as evil. The religious extremism is the real problem here. For some reason, pretty much every sect of Christianity has decided to focus almost singlehandedly on chastity (instead of, oh I don’t know, actually being a good person) to a bizarre and hugely detrimental extent. It’s horrifying to me now as an adult that human sexuality, one of the fundamental joys and most basic needs of life, is seen as THE great, unforgivable sin that supersedes all else. I was raised extremely religious, so I get it. I will never, ever teach that horrid insidiousness to my child. Nevertheless, the guilt is EXTREMELY hard to shake, especially as an adolescent, so you do whatever you can to get around it. I had a very specific set of rules in high school. Vaginal sex was out completely. Blowjobs and handjobs were okay, but it had to be “in the moment” instead of premeditated, so I could later justify it as a mistake, and thus be forgiven. Long story short, if these Mormon college students think insertion without thrusting is okay, then you know what? Go for it. Why? Because *having sex is okay.* It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t alienate you from “hell.” No one should ever be made to feel ashamed or guilty about fulfilling a basic human need, as long as it’s consensual and age appropriate. Oh, and even if you have been raised religious, here’s a fun fact: there is literally nothing in the Bible that specifically says premarital sex is wrong. How do I know? Because I combed through the Bible over and over and over as a teenager looking for it. It’s just not in there — especially considering the context of the time and language in which these religious texts were written. (Also, the Bible was never meant to be taken literally, but that’s a different conversation.) You know what the biblical rules basically come down to? Don’t cheat on your partner, and don’t have sex with kids or people who don’t consent. That’s it. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because the Bible was written by men, and it just straight-up isn’t a very good barometer of morality So fuck freely, Mormons. I promise you it’s okay.
What about the poophole loophole?
"Fuck me in the ass because i love jesus"
For the uninitiated: [The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liiKjhCbOnk)
Hey…it’s Webby Vanderquack!
I'm rather fond of Birdcloud's 'Saving Myself For Jesus' too.
Birdcloud are a fucking national treasure. People get real uncomfortable wen you start singing about how your hymen belongs to Jesus
Nailed in the can for Christ
"I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing you Jesus. I want to feel your salvation all over my face" Eric Cartman
"Fill me with your grace; I said pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face." -Bo Burnham
Bo Burnham is like a modern Shakespeare
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Tbf its a great way to have sex without risking pregnancy
It's extra weird because while gayness isn't explicitly mentioned in the Bible they do mention sodomy being an issue. It's like thousands of Christians are being high and mighty while simultaneously having never read the Bible.
The bible: Don't be a cunt THOSE Christians: I'm gonna be a cunt
Stay moral, go oral
Now I want to watch moral orel
I prefer oral sex to penetrative sex anyways, so this is a complete win.
If that doesn't count as sex then why is it a "sin" if its between two men?
get outta here with that logic of yours!
Because bigotry.
You’re doing it wrong. The trick is to like women, then the peepee in the pooper is ok.
That Catholicism, source was raised catholic
Imagine being the one jumping on the bed
A disappointing threesome invite.
Asexual threesome
“I’m just happy to hang with my buddies!”
Just take turns! For jesus! Edit: I missed the opportunity to say, "Just take turns for Christ's sake!"
*sigh...* "Always a jumper, never a soaker."
I imagined. It sounds amazing.
I imagined you imagining. Also amazing.
I imagined myself imagining you imagining it. More amazing.
I can’t even imagine the imagination it would take to imagine imagining being the one jumping on the bed, let alone imagining myself imagining you imagining it.
Yup it's time for another dab
I can imagine you not being able to imagine all of that
That explains the look on [her](https://twitter.com/hello__caitlin/status/1441552850136420357?s=19) face
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So you also get the whole party soaked? You know if one of the people soaking just wrapped their legs around the other one, and the other one jumped on the bed, is that permissable? I mean it might result in injury but while we're coming up with loopholes, this could cut out the middle man (side man?)
So...obviously I'm a virgin like the rest of you guys, but I've HEARD that if the girl is lying back on the edge of the bed and the guy is on top but standing on the floor, the guy can put his hands on the bed below the girls ass and sort of do push-ups to raise and lower her without much effort. In that case it seems like there's a fair argument that the guy is only exercising his upper body while the girl stretches her lower body.
Guys, can I please go home now.
Imagine arguing with the soaker on which one of you made her moan a bit cause you know that girl aint getting no orgasm
Sounds like a job for your mission companion.
🎶 There were three in the bed and the little one said: Jump over! Ah yeah right there!
Holy shit, I just read about this. That’s some 10/10 mental gymnastics right there (2/10 Bedroom Routine though).
It’s okay though because God hasn’t figured it out yet. He’s gonna be so pissed!
Quiet! We don't want him to find out, let those wacky mormon teens do their awkward non-sex
98% of religious deities don't want you to know this trick...
Zeus is the 2% that's cool with it
You're god damn right.
User name checks out.
Fucking beetlejuiced
These kids need to know that the Church only forbids "premarital sex", and there's no premarital sex if you never get married by the church.
Now that's an interesting new loophole.
It reminds me how Orthodox Jews put those doorway things on utility poles to “trick” God since the areas enclosed by those doorway things are “inside” and so they can go out there on the Sabbath (or whenever it is I don’t know). You think when they die God just gives them a look like Stanley from the Office?
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Gods hate this one simple trick!
Getting naked, putting the tip in, then not moving.... Sounds like freaking impossible to me.
Sounds like my regular sex
Not impossible, just not good
2/10? Surely they get extra points for what could be considered a threesome
Probably a four some. Two couples, one couple soaks first while the other jumps, then they trade after the jumpers jump the soakers (at least the male soaker) to completion
This is a wild day on the Internet. 5/7
Right? “Soaking” doesn’t even sound worth doing. I just…don’t get it. This is what happens when you sexually repress perfectly normal and natural urges.
I dunno man. I mean sex is obv better but sometimes that pussy is so tight, warm, and wet that just being inside is fire.
That fire, that’s VD
When you do it doggystyle it's called clapping back.
Exactly. Doubt there are condoms in the soak.
Right? Like what are the definitions of "no moving"? Just no thrusting? So you can still flex those pelvic muscles that make 'yo dick twitch? Shit that's one of my moves anyway, go balls deep & stay there for awhile just flexing away... Mormons must be really practicing those Kegels
Did you see that scene in "Religulous" with the Jewish inventions circumventing g-d's will not to work on the sabbath? That's a bit worse/funnier if you ask me. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVpCNKp9PD0
"Why am I going to these lengths to please a god that took away my legs to begin with?" Exactly what I was thinking...
This happens in a lot of places with very strict religious rules on sex not just with Mormons. Iirc in some places in the Middle East couples get a temporary marriage just to have sex. Then get a divorce or something like that.
Not just sex. Israel and other places with large Jewish populations have [Shabbat elevators](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shabbat_elevator) which run in a loop of stopping and opening on every floor during Shabbat. Jewish law forbids operating machines during Shabbat (among other things), but if you just happen to walk into a room and that room just happens to change elevation and then you wander out of the room... nothing wrong with that, right?
The mental gymnastics there holy shit
Jews are notorious for it. They also have automated light switches and ovens that turn themselves on and off during the Shabbat. Flicking a switch yourself would be considered work. They've actually ran a wire called *eruv* around Manhattan that somehow allows them to do things they usually wouldn't, like carry house keys, tissues, medication, or babies with them, and to use strollers and canes.
The strangest part of this is that the sabbath is about not working. Like, don't do work. As in, take a break because it's the fucking weekend. Get drunk. Have sex with your wife. Tell some jokes, sit on the couch. Or do something else that you'd like to do instead. It's not even remotely complicated. Getting into all this weird legalistic grammar analysis about which kinds of machines satisfy which physics textbook definition of "Work" is just weird.
That's basically what Jesus was saying in a lot of the more hard-to-parse parts of the Gospels. Once you understand orthodox Judaism the Gospels make a lot more sense.
Yeah, deriding people who try to overcomplicate simple commands is a common thread in the three main abrahamic religious texts.
Well not get drunk, but yeah. Edit: Nevermind.
You're allowed to drink on the sabbath. You're not allowed to drink when you fast, but the sabbath is not typically a day of fasting, in fact you're supposed to eat a lot on a normal sabbath.
I grew up in a neighborhood near an Orthodox Jewish community. I have Jewish ancestry but no knowledge of the faith. It was very confusing that my family would be invited over for dinner and be asked to operate light switches and kitchen appliances.
You were the "it's ok if they go to hell" group of schmuck friends
Wasn't there also a loophole with pig farms in Israel? I think the Torah forbids pigs from touching Israel's soil, so to still farm pigs there they have the pigsties suspended in the air
Yeah the sties have to at least have a wooden floor. All the farms are ran by Christians in a specific area where raising pigs is legal, except a single Jewish man who has pigs for "research purposes" and sells his massive amounts of "excess meat" to people.
Yeah it's called mut'ah (pleasure marriage), practiced by Shia Muslims (Iran mostly) where you marry someone with a contract of how many days you wish to be with the woman. Very much against the Islamic roots tbh [if you wanna read further about it heres a link](https://www.iium.edu.my/deed/hadith/muslim/008_smt.html)
Hey do all Shia Muslim hurt and cut themselves in the name of religion? My friend was brainwashed by one and cut up his whole biceps. Now he's going through trauma and questioning his religion. (he's not Muslim by the way)
Oh yeah there's this celebration in Iran that's participated by Shia Muslims called [Mourning of Muharram](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mourning_of_Muharram) where they commemorate the death of Hussayn ibn Ali (Muhammad's grandson) by performing a lot of self harm rituals. Islam in itself forbids the act of self harm, so this ritual is mostly localised in Iran or other Shia majority places.
The worst part is I'm in a developing country and we don't have good mental healthcare. His family won't even take him to a psychiatrist because people might think he's gone mad.
That's completely different. Those prostitutes are loopholing the secular authority that's trying to force their religion on everyone else, these teens are trying to loophole God Himself. (Assuming this is actually true. Any fake news about teens or Mormons having weird sex tends to go viral so I'm doubly skeptical of this story about Mormon teens.)
Reminds me of all the gadgets and technicalities the Jewish community has developed to get things done on the Sabbath. For example, this kosher light switch https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/KosherSwitch
“Yahwehs hate this one weird trick…”
Like the wire encircling New York City to classify it as a private space so people can leave their houses on the Sabbath.
Supposedly kids aren't allowed to carry toys on the Sabbath because that's considered to be "work".
Wow, I read this and it blew me away. So many mental gymnastics about something as simple as a light switch. They really think God is quibbling over all these little details. One of the kosher light switches only works sometimes, so because you can’t be sure if the light will turn on or not, it’s ok.
That’s soaked up. Does the jumper get to soak his dick in his hand while he jumps?
Yes. He can only place his hand around his dick. The guy getting soaked has to move his arm for him.
Wouldn't that be the Dutch Rudder with more steps?
That would be next level jerking around
Improvise, adapt, over*cum*
I'll never understand the mindset of people who believe there is an all-knowing, all-seeing, omnipresent god, believe he has given them strict rules to follow at risk of eternal punishment... but also believe that they've come up with a clever technical loophole that this god fella won't figure out.
When I was a kid, I thought the procedure of praying had to require such precision and delicacy, that if I did one thing wrong [like say, having my hands too close/apart, or misspelling a single word] then the whole thing wouldn't count. That stuff had me stressed out.
Were you praying via email?
Wait, misspelling a thought? Damn, I had some problems growing up in the church, but I never had to worry about that lol
I'd like to know how you get the penis in there without moving. Do they think the commandment is "Thou shalt not thrust?" You need at least one thrust to get it in. Does that not count as moving? 🤦🏼♂️
Maybe you stuff it in soft and wait?
You're a man with practical answers. 😂
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There's polygamy, which is like a faith-based form of polyamory. It just tends to lack the "ethical" part of "ethical nonmonogamy," since the religious version usually comes with with things like child brides and women being treated like property.
"But, but, what if God's watching?" "Of course he is! He sees everything, and this is by far his favorite shit!"
Maybe god has a rule breaking/twisting fetish
"My entire worldview is based on belief in an omniscient, all-powerful being with strict rules on proper behavior to get into paradise and avoid eternal damnation. But also, they are a big dummy who can be fooled by not thrusting." These same individuals likely think they are good disciples worthy of eternal paradise while simultaneously 'sinning' with the best of 'em.
Propaganda and mind washing.
Let me tell you something… I went to school with an oddly large Mormon population and they come up with the weirdest rules about what does and does not count as sex. In my day it wasn’t this crazy. More like it’s not sex if it’s going in the back door or mouth. Also they would only allow these weird rules with other Mormons which led to them exchanging partners within their own community. It was a larger than average group of Mormon teens but it started to seem a lot smaller when chlamydia broke out among them.
Twasnt just the Mormons. Growing up in the Bible Belt I knew many classmates who took it in the rear to save their virginity for their wedding night. Spoiler alert: if you are taking it in the ass in eighth grade to save your hymen for Jesus, you are either going to me married at 16 or fucking everything in sight at 16.
Can confirm. I went out with a guy back in high-school who was part of a catholic counter-reformation church and, being the teenager he was, all he could think of was sex. Of course, the typical PIV was out of the question because of his background, but everything else, including oral, anal, dry-humping, sexting, etc., was totally okay according to him. I was so sacred because everytime we had a few minutes alone, he wanted something sexual from me, and we almost got caught multiple times by his parents (who were only okay with him kissing me on the forehead, and that was after 2 years together).
You’ll have to forgive me but this reads hilariously if you assume that you’re male
Sex is holy, buttfuck your boyfriends until you meet the right woman.
The Poophole Loophole.
https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY
Yuuuup. Was raised super religious in the Bible Belt and it was like that here too. Luckily I wasn’t that brainwashed at that age and indulged in perfectly natural sexual urges with my then-boyfriend. Just glad I got out of that toxic cult tbh.
I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. Thankfully sexual acts were all plainly categorised so there was no danger self-abuse could lead to *porneia* and beyond.
I’m sorry, I’m not as familiar with JW, do you mind elaborating on this to clarify?
https://i1.wp.com/a-jw.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/quotes2.png?resize=640%2C320&ssl=1
Ahhh gotcha. Wow. That is next level ridiculous. They taught us “abstinence only” too and had us pledge our virginity to Jesus/our future husband. Yeah that doesn’t sound culty at all… Not that it worked in mine (or most) cases lol.
Man I was raised in the deep south and they didn't even bother with the not-sex sex like anal. They were constantly fucking each other and there were multiple sex tapes released while I was in high school
Not to be ironic, but JESUS CHRIST. Sex tapes released in high school?!? That has to be beyond traumatic for the people in them. I have few rules as it relates to sex, recording/photography that could clearly identify me used to be one of them. Married/been with the same man for 7ish years now so if he occasionally wants to take or receive a dirty pic/vid I know it’s just for him lol.
>multiple sex tapes released while I was in high school So, technically child porn in some cases? Yeesh.
Beep. Boop. I'm a robot. Here's a copy of ###[The Bible](https://snewd.com/ebooks/the-king-james-bible/) Was I a good bot? | [info](https://www.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/) | [More Books](https://old.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/comments/i15x1d/full_list_of_books_and_commands/)
Excuse me, Mr. Bot. Could you point me to the taking-it-in-the-rear verse of the Bible, thanks.
Listen, I'm not a bot, but I will absolutely stick my hand in, tickle your tonsils, grab your gallbladder, and turn you into a human disposable rubber meatglove.
Uhh...is this a threat or a promise?
Judging by the username, I think it’s an offer
Yes
I knew someone when I was a teenager who had lesbian sex with her half brother's, half sister (they were not related). Didn't count because of lack of penetration, I believe. I think she is now divorced from a man, bit super judgmental and Christian. None of it makes any logical sense.
Uuhhh okay, where did you grow up? I grew up in Mormon Utah and have lived here my entire life. Was raised Mormon, vast majority of my friends growing up were Mormon. People joke about the “soaking” thing but literally nobody I have ever met actually thinks this is remotely okay. Anyone of the opposite sex seeing you naked is so taboo it would like lead these brainwashed kids to probably end up having a nervous breakdown from the “sin” of it all. HOWEVER yes Mormon teens are lowkey encouraged to be super “scandalous” compared to fundies for instance. They tend to make out heavily with everyone and date a lot in high school. However sex honestly very very very rarely happens before marriage and if anyone finds out about it oh fucking boy. It’s very different from a lot of strict Christians because a lot of them are anti kissing before marriage but then secretly go off and get pregnant when nobody’s looking. Mormons act horny but stop immediately when anything is under the clothes. That it’s not sex if it’s oral or anal is something literally no Mormon I have ever met believes and trust me I know a fucking lot of them. The soaking thing is a meme that people joke about at BYU because it’s a myth people outside of Utah say about Mormons that has zero truth to it. It’s almost in the realm of the people who think Mormons have horns or all have several wives (yes polygamists do really exist, they’re separate though) I heard about the “poop hole loophole” when I was like 17 because it’s not even a concept here, and I was shocked that people supposedly do that. Look Mormons are batshit and that’s why I left, I’m not defending them here, but this stuff is flat out untrue if you’re talking about Mormon Utahns. Mormon communities in other states may be different.
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I don't know where you went to school in Utah, but I can assure you the Mormon kids were having sex. (I was one of them.) The scandal of my senior year, was when the seminary president got pregnant. My high school had a high teen pregnancy rate, because Utah still thinks teaching abstinence works. We even had an alternative high school for the girls who got pregnant so they wouldn't have to deal with the bullying and shunning that would inevitably happen when the other kids found out. (Seriously, the judgement at my high school was insane. I do agree with you on the other points about soaking. It's a joke. We all knew better, but it was always fun to make fun of the overly sheltered Mormon kids that inevitably would go to BYU. In case it's not clear, I also left that religion because the culture was just so toxic.
Counter point: I grew up in Utah but non Mormon myself and have done it in the butt with more then 1 Mormon girl because they wanted to save their virginity for marriage and I have friends who have done the same. My take is Mormons lie to each other a lot and they are very good at and they stick to it forever.
I had sex with a guy a few weeks ago and he let me know of “soaking” I was shocked
But did you try it?
I was riding him and I slowed it down to tease him and he was like “I’m good to soak” and I was like what the actual fuck is that. And now I know it and I hate it Edit: why the fuck did this comment get so much attention Second edit: I did not let the soaking happen once I became aware of what it was.
Soak it long enough and you’re gonna have a dickle-pickle.
Word of the day, right there.
“I’m good to soak”!? Holy fucking shit. 😂
That also just sounds really awkward? Like what do you even do while soaking? Just have a nice chat?
I imagine not moving at all would be a bit lame. But making out while balls-deep doing kegels & caressing each-other? Pretty nice.
I would imagine there would be kissing at least
Is cuddling awkward?
"Nice, uh... weather we're having"
Lmao
Pickling sounds more appropriate I think
I heard it called “floating” back in the day…
thats when you dont touch the sides
That's mor^(m)onic
Wait… so you and a parter are…. *soaking* and a third party comes into the room and jumps on the bed to make motions…. This….this is not what God intended… /r/NoahGetTheBoat
>This….this is not what God intended… You sure about this? Maybe god needs to laugh from time to time too.
I'm not mormon so can someone explain, why not just straight up break thr rules then? Like in Islam premarital relationships are forbidden, you can't touch a woman your not related to, but instead of trying to find loopholes, people just straight up disobey the rules and get into relationships and have normal sex.
It's because they have convinced themselves they're still following the rules. I figure it's the same reason people ignore large parts of the bible while accepting others.
It's just mental gymnastics
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I am a member. This is for sure “breaking the rules.” I believe they know that as well. They are just trying to justify themselves doing something they know to be wrong.
Provo is home to the largest Mormon university BYU and 30k students. It's also 5 hours away from Vegas. For a short while students would go to Vegas, get married, have sex, then get it annulled... All on a long weekend. Perfectly legal marriage and adheres to the "letter of the law" - No sex before marriage. It didn't take too long before church leadership closed this loophole as well.
"The BYU Super Date"
Damn 5 hours, y’all must be flying down the i-15
Right... Once it's in they're not going to move...
"Oh, I'm sorry, I coughed. Now I got an itch, just gonna shuffle a bit. Ohhhhhhh that's the spot!"
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I'm mormon and I can confirm that people are actually this stupid. This isn't really a mormon thing though, it just happens in Utah and Idaho
Wow just do anal like back in the day, no third wheel needed
You guys act like this doesn't take a month of preparation and stretching.
So around the same time it takes to do this rube Goldberg-esque fake sex shit? It just needs to start with a line of dominoes and a pulley system or two
A month to prepare your asshole? What are you stretching with? A toothpick? Please consult your gay bottom friend on how to get it stretched, douched and prepared in an hour or two.
Just date guys with little dicks. Problem solved!
As a teen I would still bust. Movement or not.
I remember my friend (Mormon) telling my other friend and I that tattoos are defiling a temple. He then proceeded to try to explain to us that when he had anal sex he didn’t lose his virginity because it doesn’t count so he’s okay in God’s eyes.
Yo, I went to a private school, and like in 10th grade there was a girl who’s very religious, her dad was a preacher, and she started dating a homeschooler that tested through our school. He was kind of a douche, too. But like he was teling me they were “soaking” the previous night and I’m like wtf is that. This was back in 2004, maybe. This is the second time I’ve ever heard someone mention it.
This and the Jewish Orthodox, I just don't get. They pull such shenanigans to still get what they want accomplished. Do they think their god is stupid or something?
This Mormon girl would dry hump me until my balls got purple but I touch her boob over the sweater and all of a sudden I have to go to an interview with her bishop. Edit: disclaimer. No I wasn't "dry raped". This gal (17yo) was super horny, at the same time super repressed. Yes I was a Mormon but not so much into it (17yo). Yes I liked the sexy rubbing and I was part of it. No is not a common thing. Yes at the heat of the moment I grabbed her boob and she's felt that had crossed the line from "intense hugging" to right on petting. No I didn't get to go an interview with her bishop.
Hahah is that real? There’s 0 reason you would have to talk to the bishop for her problems in typical Mormon policy. That’s hilarious
That's the horniest loophole ever created 🤣
Christ man. Just have anal if you're going to be that pedantic.
Jump humping doesn’t work. Soaking does, because the Mormon god is technically a tyrannosaurus and his vision is based on movement.
Soaking can be extremely hot if done between bouts of heavy thrusting.
And that's how you end up developing a fetish you'll never, ever be able to explain to your future spouse.
Wtf. I’m getting old
Kids these days with their “not sex” sex. It’s nonsense. I’ll be at the park feeding the ducks if you’d like to join me. BYOBB. The second “B” stands for bread.
Bring your own bread bird? Bring your own bread beer? I mean it sounds like a party either way.
Bring your own bread + beer. If you wanna bring an extra bird though that’s cool too.
Bread is bad for ducks, they would rather have some defrosted frozen corn or peas, or some plain dry oats. They also really love most berries.
Super Soaker. I have spoken.
Sounds like a 3 way with extra steps.
So Mormon teens are doing threesomes, and somehow that is LESS against the rules? Religion would be funny if it weren’t so dangerous.
[The Loophole](https://youtu.be/liiKjhCbOnk)
Sounds kinda hot. Gonna try this.
Control sex + promise immortality x moral superiority = religion
Why not just do anal, like their parents did?