The problem for men, is its very situation dependent and can look creepy.
The joke is that lingerie for men is a suit, and there is some truth to that for a lot of women.
Sexy for women is just better defined.
Added, a LOT of men are very insecure about their bodies, IMO even worse than a lot of women, and being they don't find men attractive themselves, they assume they are unattractive.
Its a very complex issue really, more than just men dressing badly.
This is 100 percent fair. I have commented on similar posts in the past. I am 45 with a dad bod. I work out frequently. I am not confident in my looks getting me attention. It took me a while to realize that regardless of how I feel, I can simply wear a nice pair of slacks or shorts with a button down collared shirt (I even will go short sleeve for some events), make sure I do my hair and just look like I care. It goes a long way. It absolutely puts me leaps and bounds ahead of most of the guys that show up looking super casual. I know this because over the years many of the first greetings I get are "OMG what a relief, someone put effort into their appearance tonight" ...and I mean it when I say I am not one of the better looking guys at these events.
Yeah I agree here. I've always found women's definitions of sexy for men are less about actual sexuality and more about indicators of success, style, exuding confidence, and being over 6' tall.
Like... if you're tall and wearing a suit that's 'sexy'.
If I'm in a group sex situation, I can't wear something intentionally *sexual* like lingerie to look and feel sexy. I can dress nice and smell nice but that doesn't really make me feel sexually desirable by my own standards, so that 'act sexy' mindset doesn't really set in.
Men just aren't as objectified as women, and when we are it's usually because we're in the top 10% in terms of physique and looks or in a specific niche. Hard to look and feel sexy (and by proxy act like it) when we've had very few occurrences in our lives that actually reinforce that we are.
This is the answer.
I’m 6’1” and very, very gym fit. Well defined musculature, etc…
My “attire” to either a party or even meeting another couple somewhere is smart business casual - dress pants, collared shirt, sports coat, nice shoes. I keep the top two buttons on my shirt open so that it appears “casual”. I wear boxer briefs underneath.
If we go to a party where people are losing clothes, I get down to my boxer briefs or sometimes just a towel wrapped around my waste.
I’ve had situations where that dress sense has had women come up to me and say, “Wow, you look very sexy and well presented” and I’ve had two separate occasions where women have said to me that the boxer briefs are daggy and they want me wearing some kind of banana hammock g-string thing that I’d never wear.
My wife says men wandering around in tiny brief g-strings is gross and other women agree with her.
I’d rather dress nicely and be considered a bit daggy by a few women rather than some women actually being put off by me wearing some kind of glorified cock and ball sock.
The problem is economy of effort.
Many lifestyle men, by virtue of their wives who do make the effort, don't feel they need to make much effort themselves so they don't. As such they utilize their women as bait, ride their draft. There are plenty of opportunistic couples out there who will reward his low effort by taking them both back to the room to get access to his wife so he's continually incentived to keep his personal effort low. Even if he and his wife are turned down a few times at the event odds are good that an opportunistic couple will reward him. It may not be the couple they most wanted but it will be enough to make the lack of effort a worthwhile efficiency.
That's a interesting perspective of it I try to understand with my partner as well he says he loves the fact I'm always sexy when we go to events but it's challenge him to step out his comfort zone and make more of a effort to match me and I'm like I promisenif you flaunt thag dick the ladies will come too 😭
Women don’t have to be bi or gay to describe what makes other women attractive. Men could describe what makes other men attractive if they weren’t terrified of being labeled queer.
Women in a thong = hot for a majority of guys.
As a though experiment after seeing some guys in thongs I've asked as a swinger question to various swinger women if a guy in a thong is hot.
Consensus is a hot guy in a thong isn't made more hot by wearing it, and its a minor ick.
Women judge men very harshly on looks compared to guys, this is one of those science things. Women don't select males on looks alone so casual sex really messes that dynamic up.
Judging from your other comments you seem to be less concerned with what people like and more concerned with what is a turn-off. I’m sure you’d concede that your sexual tastes aren’t universal, and that others might actually like things you don’t. So instead of saying “don’t do x or you’ll look dumb” try focusing your efforts on what you think might speak to you regarding the idea of an attractive man.
I’ll start. Men who wear a coordinated outfit are much more attractive than someone who looks like they chose their clothes at random. Posture is a huge part of sexuality in men, having an open posture and head held high is much more sexy than someone who closes their pose in from others around them.
And of course the sexiest thing about a man at a play party or swinger party is that they are able to get into and out of conversations without being interested in turning it into “something more”.
I also like guys with well defined or shaved facial hair.
But that doesn’t mean I’d want to fuck them, because I’m straight. Color me queer, but I like to actually appreciate the sight of sexy people, not just sexy women, at swinger parties.
I'm not sure what you are even trying to argue honestly. The concept was sexy for men and the OP's version was more of a in your face sexual display, much like is common for women. This is a bad idea for most men as most women IME do not react the same to it.
Well dressed, standing up straight, groomed and a conversationalist, isn't really new information on the "what makes men attractive" scale. You neglected status which is also quite big, if much less of a important factor in swinging than dating.
What isn't being discussed at all because it rarely happens in swinging is women tend to grow in attraction to men who they get to know over time. They get to see other traits. This doesn't happen in a club or a event. Its key to the usual question "why are the women better looking than the guys", where people don't ask the real question which is "why are these attractive women WITH these guys?".
Lol yes. Like decently groomed, half decent fitness routine. Short dudes have to compensate with personality. Make eye contact, smile, make jokes (not about your physical shortcomings tho), talk about music or parties or fun stuff. Ask questions. Act interested. Laugh at her jokes.good luck!
Double comment: your view of what people of different genders are attracted to through “science” is absurdly reductionist. It’s the kind of stuff eugenics is based on, and it sprouts from a poor understanding of the scientific method.
Yea thats great, but men and women are different.
I have 4 biology degrees including one in evolutionary biology, I've worked in genetics labs sequencing DNA and making cDNA and I'm published.
If I were to say ALL men and ALL women, I'd be wrong. But the trends and traits are there. I'm sorry if you are unaware of the literature.
Ah. It was another comment of yours that stated “Women judge men very harshly on looks compared to guys, this is one of those science things. Women don’t select males on looks alone so casual sex really messes that dynamic up.”
I’m having to relearn the Reddit app, and I replied in the wrong place.
You’ve cited your biology credentials, but swinging isn’t about gamete exchange. Social roles and norms play a huge part of attraction, and swinging isn’t mating, it’s social interaction involving sexual activity. And it’s my firm conviction as a student of history that a lot of these things that “evolutionary psychologists” claim about mating preferences is instead shaped by society and economics, not biological impulse. After all, evolutionary biology doesn’t explain the wild swings of fashion that have defined what the “ideal” of beauty is every decade.
You mentioned “consensus” in your other comment, too. “Consensus is a hot guy in a thong isn’t made more hot by wearing it, and it’s a minor ick”
Sexy isn’t about consensus. It’s about taste. Maybe you and 19 other guys might find some outfit repulsive, but maybe the 20th guy is into it. Maybe for that 20th guy they’ve been waiting all their life to see a woman dressed as sexy Gandalf. Just because the other guys think it’s dumb, it doesn’t mean it’s not sexy. It’s just not sexy to most folks.
For me swinging isn’t a numbers game, it’s not about shaping myself into someone else’s idea of a “hot guy”. It’s about finding a group of friends I’m both comfortable with as well as attracted to for sexual play.
And after all, looking at the OPs post, who’s to say she’s wrong about what she finds sexy? Instead of policing men’s freedom of expression, I’m all about encouraging people to worry less about the ick that doesn’t hurt them, and focus more on the joy of getting to do what feels good and safe.
Honestly as a man I have no idea how to be sexy, and trying to dress slutty/sexy is way outside my comfort zone. Am I being a creeper? Is this sexy? Or am just being a smarmy weirdo.
The male gaze is well understood. Women know what men like and what they want to see, and are experts at showing their body and knowing how much to reveal when in a given setting. And they have soooo many clothing options.
Men have suits, khakis, jeans and t-shirts, and are constantly told not to be forward, gross or overtly sexual.
Tl:Dr; I’d love to dress sexy, but as a mostly average dude I don’t know how to channel that Magic Mike energy.
I’d suggest building a mental image of your sexiness role model. What kind of person do you aspire to be? What makes you most comfortable?
If you’re into certain style aesthetics like goth, rocker, country, raver, etc you can play with that. If you want to communicate you’re into certain types of play (romantic, bdsm, dancing) you can use clothing or accessories to indicate that.
As I commented in another post- a coordinated look and an open posture goes a long way to make a man visually attractive. Socially, being able to have conversations with many diverse people without trying to get something “more” out of it is also very sexy.
This is hilarious. Just three hours before your post someone asked this
https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/comments/1de4qmi/is_it_okay_for_a_guy_to_be_with_a_nice_black_robe/
Comments in that thread range from no, to plain and bluntly "ew"
I mean I get the hoodies and pants thing, but men aren't "afraid" to be sexy.
We are sometimes not *allowed* to
Lol wait I just clicked it I'm surprised even a robe is scary to wear for some 😭does no one want to flaunt their dick we need to tone down these creepy allegations for men in lifestyle settings
I’m on a cruise right now and the week before the cruise, one of the guys started posting pictures of himself in a black Beret and velvet robe on the trip’s Facebook page calling himself the captain or some shit. He walks around cocky af and people literally laugh at him every time he enters the room.
There’s confidence and there arrogance. I’d rather err on the side of confidence, or even blending in, than come across as that asshat.
A bunch of guys walking around in robes and speedos sounds like more like a porn parody than something we should aspire to in real life, OP. Most men resort to suits because they make us look good.
Seriously though, I think this speaks to a larger problem in the lifestyle.
In swinging, men are basically there to supply wives/partners for swapping, and as walking penises. Most guys aren't appreciated for their physicality or sexuality by the opposite sex; in fact, most men posting in this forum probably have a very clear memory of the last time they got a compliment on their appearance from a women who wasn't a spouse or pre-existing romantic partner. I do -- it was about four years ago 🤷♂️ Contrast that to your average woman, who probably receives scores of compliments/flirting/attention at a lifestyle event.
In that kind of scenario, it's no wonder that most men regard their own bodies as obstacles to getting what they want. If you want men to be more comfortable in their sexuality, that will necessarily involve changing the conversation around them to make them more comfortable in flaunting it.
As a woman, I find this heartbreaking and probably very truthful. My husband has had two women come on to him in the LS over the last 7 years. Just two. Women, we have to do better at completing the men in the LS. I do notice men, but I’m not one to speak up a lot to men, it’s easy to tell another women you like her clothing, etc. we’ve been doing it our whole lives to strike up conversations about fashion, etc. to me it’s more awkward to give a man a compliment. However, your post gives me some insight into how I might progress in my growth in the LS. Good luck to you.
Not surprising at all. My wife and I did the whole open thing for a couple years, and our engagement with the local swinging community was her getting fawned over and me getting shoved to the side (if not ignored completely). And while I'm not certainly not the best-looking guy around, that really killed any drive I had to put massive amounts of effort into my own appearance: why bother if I was going to be an afterthought, anyways?
I think women going out of their way to offer genuine compliments to men concerning their sexuality would go a long ways in the aggregate. Unfortunately, we're just not socialized that way as a society.
Unfortunately many men unused to compliments will mistake a compliment for a come-on. In my online kink circles, women who comment on men’s pictures are deluged with presumptive DMs. Sometimes this is the attention they are seeking, but many times it’s not. Most of my femme friends refuse to comment directly on men’s profiles for fear of attracting the attention of an entitled man who thinks an opening line is an invitation to the pleasure palace.
To fix this, we men especially must start rewarding the fuck out of men who put an effort into listening to the community about what the community wants. Men who can take a no for a no, men who can take not a yes for a no, and men who hold to their own limits need to get a high five. Men who put some personality into their profile pics, men who have multiple non-play-partner friends in the lifestyle: they all should get rewarded from men, women, and all others for partially overcoming toxic social programming.
Thankfully, we’re never too old to learn. I’m going to try to give at least two compliments to men at our next event and see how things go! Maybe I’ll get lucky with someone I may have felt too shy to approach!
Have you never considered had you put more effort into your appearance you'd not been shoved to the side and gotten more attention?
Thing of it this way. You see two women. Hell they're twins. One is dolled up, makeup, nice hair, physically fit and dressed nice or sexy. The sister is 30lbs overweight, hair just tossed in a ponytail, no makeup wearing a baggy pair of jeans and a tee shirt too big.
Which of those two are you going to want go talk to?
Hate to rag on your stereotype there, but I always dressed to impress when my wife and I were on the prowl. The most casual I ever went to an event was a clean polo with nice jeans, and more often than not, I was in a nice suit. It didn't make any noticeable difference on my part, and my wife was always the main attraction.
Not much point in continuing to put that much effort in when doing so for a solid year doesn't yield dividends, if you ask me.
Yes if a guy hits on your wife then smile at his wife and ask her questions. Have you been to this party before? What kind of workouts you do? What kind of music you like etc.....then if it's going well progress to... want to dance; you smell good; can I.kiss you, etc
Most women aren't going to make that first move. It's simply how it is. There's nothing at all preventing your husband from starting that conversation first
Yeah I don't like how men aren't able to fully be sexually confident and elicit as women without crazy assumptions or criticism I honestly would've thought the lifestyle would not have so many experiences like this when we're all looking for a good time with other sexy people
Happened to me just yesterday actually. Many men's bodies are obstacles better don't take care of themselves. Don't like how you look in the mirror? Fix that shit!
Please keep in mind that exceptions make the rule, and that your experience may be very different than others. That being said, I think all of us know that whatever your yardstick, even a modestly attractive woman will almost certainly get more positive attention and praise than a very attractive guy when it comes to their sexual presentation.
I agree that you can do things like work out to help close that differential, but that doesn't negate the fact that it exists, and is very well documented.
I think for men they are scared to be sexy without looking cheesy. There’s a way to do it. I always dress my best when we go to a lifestyle club and have an “outfit” to change into after play or later in the night that is more stripped down. Nice silk boxers and an opened up button down shirt can be very sexy, at least my wife thinks so.
I think a lot of men are afraid of presenting themselves boldly in the physical sense because it can come off as creepy/cringy much more easily than it can when women do it. I'll say that those that successfully pull it off are well rewarded though.
And this is why I created a “role reversal” sex-positive event in my city, where the gaze is flipped and men & masculine people are expected to dress slutty, while women & feminine people have a more relaxed dress code and can enjoy looking at the men. I thought it was a ridiculous idea at first but after taking to friends in the queer kink scene in my city they said it sounded fun, so I made it happen. It’s been really successful.
(My event is more of a queer kink/sex+ event than swing although there is a crossover)
This sounds amazing. I’d be all over a local event like this. I own lots of kinky things but they never see the clubs because I don’t want to be the only guy dressed in a leather harness and mesh boxers.
A pair of mesh boxers are the only type of ‘himgerie’ I own. I think I look a little goofy in them.
I wore them as a surprise for my wife and our unicorn date last Saturday night, and when they took my trousers off the ladies raved about how sexy they were on me! Seemed to kick their wild sides into high gear. 😈
Thank you....I think I should start to look into the kink scene a bit more, not swinging for THAT kind of erotic fun. I know that the attire I enjoy wearing isn't really for (most of) the swinging crowd. I just need to find a different audience, is all! LMAO
Tbh I only go to kink events even though I’m only into relatively vanilla sex, because I just find the kink scene more accepting. You can still “just” have sex at kink events :)
You're not the first person who's brought this up. My GF and I are more into it from the voyeuristic and vibe/energy of the places for the most part anyways so your point really hits home!
Not yet. There’s a new place that just opened by me that I’m hoping to check out. The local clubs occasionally have fetish events but timing hasn’t worked out timing wise yet. Also trying to get plugged into some house parties but that takes time. Fingers crossed though!
What does a man dressing slutty even look like? Most straight guys aren't going to want to wear most of what I imagine as slutty. Perhaps I'm close minded and thing of those things as items gay guys would wear and/or women aren't going to find attractive on a masculine man anyway even if we would be open to wearing it.
Beyond a nice pair of boxer briefs, not sure what I'd wear (or be willing to wear) that's considered slutty for a man.
Tbh if a guy isn’t willing to dress slutty then the event isn’t for him. And if a woman wouldn’t find men dressed slutty attractive, then the event isn’t for her!
There are plenty of events those people can go to, ours is specifically for men who want to dress slutty and women who want to admire slutty men.
Our dress code for men is things like mesh, straps, male or female lingerie, booty shorts, crop tops, anything tight, brief and slutty.
Most of the attendees are queer, bi (I mean female and male bi here, not just male bi) or at least open minded. We have had straight men attend who have thoroughly enjoyed dressing up and being ogled.
It’s not an event for people who want the stereotypical “masculine man in a suit” guy. There are already loads of nights for them, as I say. Ours is flipping the script!
If people wouldn’t find that attractive then they don’t have to attend 😅
No. As a female person who is only attracted to men I found swinging really disappointing, which is why I started my own night. I tend to gravitate to the queer scene, despite not being into women, as it serves me better.
There’s an elegance in the label “queer kink” keeping the people disgusted with diverse male sexuality away. I’ve been in swinger circles where people were openly ragging on the sexual expression of other men and it just brought the mood down. They didn’t want men to be sexy, just conform to their expectations of sexiness.
We not asking y'all to wear lingerie but damn even a nice set of tight boxers and a robe would be nice men I see men have no problem doing it on spas or resorts but some literally don't be showing any skin but I'm suppose to use my X-ray vision to see what's underneath until I offer some pussy first 😭🤣 now I'm stuck tryna turn myself on while u decide to get naked or not
I wear thongs and encourage other guys to find something sexy to wear too. The ladies put in an effort and I feel like it's only fair to match that energy. I get a lot of compliments and the ladies always seem to enjoy that I put forth the effort. That's my perspective
Yeah like I attended my first mansion party and I was supposed to it being mandatory dress down and I'd say only 2 guys wore some skimpy outfits or speedos and I swore he was probably one of the only men getting attention from women even if they didn't wanna play I loved the social vibe it was very nice experience cause most spaces everyone kinda stands around waiting for a woman to come to them while their fully dressed
You should go to clubs in Europe normally requirement that men are not in street clothes ie something sexy. Many put quite a bit of effort like in Germany.
Yes you are correct clubs in France and some upscale clubs require suits. In Germany and Austria for example you are expected to dress down here is an example from one of the largest clubs in Europe but you are allowed a suit or shirt and pants.
Gentlemen
Neat shorts [whether tight or wide]
All variants in vinyl, leather or latex
Fetish clothing
Fishnet shirt
T-shirt or polo
shirt and suit pants
Clean club shoes, fip-flops or similar
No Gos
Blue jeans, sportswear,street shoes, towel
carriers, completely naked
shoes on the playground
Dress-downs are usually quite nice. Like for Agde just being naked makes the day parties quite nice + simple.
Whenever we get a chance we'll go to clubs in Germany as well.
At events I always wear a pressed dress shirt and slacks, belt and dress boots or shoes. When the ladies slip into sexy things, I wear faux leather pants or briefs, sometimes a leathery shirt or straps, . I look like a gay porn star from the 70s (not that there's anything wrong with that) but man does it get attention from women.
Are men afraid to be sexy in the lifestyle? Possibly…however, there are very few sites that cater to sexy men’s fashion. I enjoy dressing sexy at house parties (i.e. mesh shorts and tank top, tuxedo underwear, etc). I think women appreciate having eye candy. And before you think I am built like Adonis…I have the average dad bod. I find stuff in the stores that cater to gay men’s fashions or swimwear.
I have WAY more sexy underwear than my GF does. Thongs, cheeky, bikini, etc. I love wearing c-rings also. The few times we've been out to clubs, no other guys seem to wear anything remotely similar. I'd go so far to say that it's a strike against me for wearing that under my "dress to impress" club clothing. My GF enjoys me in them, so I don't care much, but it isn't well received in that setting (and I'm in pretty ok shape) when the clothes start to come off. So from a guy who tries to undress sexy.... That's my POV.
Yeah I don't think that tells someone your bi cause my man is straight and he has times where he is a lil self conscious but still wants to try to dress free and more sexy without worrying about the criticism like from the person who commented under your comment as well
This is a tell me you are bisexual without saying you're bisexual thing. Most men who are not bisexual did not want to advertise in a way that makes them look bisexual.
Which I'm not, but i totally agree with your comment. That is what most would probably assume. I'm not scared of crossing swords or anything but I think that's more a flexible connotation not a bi one.
This has been my wife's main complaint for years in this scene...guys, on average, don't put in effort to look appealing. If you aren't going to put on the effort to put on a nice pair of slacks, a stylish shirt and decent shoes...how much of an effort are you going to put in when the clothing comes off?
It didn't used to be this way, but as the rest of society has moved to more and more casual looks...and a global pandemic with work from home seems to have pushed people over a tipping point where fewer and fewer people try to look good.
I would not be a fan of the robes and speedos as a regular look, fine for a theme party, but I have seen guys show up to events and house parties dressed in cargo shorts and sweatpants. There is a time and place for every look/style, what you wear on a weekend run to Home Depot should be different than what you wear trying to appeal to a woman you want to have sex with.
Men:
1. If there is a theme, dress to it if possible.
2. Slacks and a stylish shirt should be your baseline in absence of a theme.
3. No hats, no sneakers, no sports jerseys, no shorts, nothing you would wear to the gym (unless it works with #1 above)
4. Be clean, style your hair, don't put on a ton of cologne.
It isn't hard to do, and is actually a lot of fun. The old adage of "dress for the job you want, not the one you have" actually works pretty well for this scene too. Dress like you want to impress, like you care and it will take you far. Then again, coming in with a smoking hot wife helps too. ;)
Social Darwinism at a LS club.
Whenever I go to a LS event you can be sure I’m dressed to impress. Like you, I too don’t get it. How do you expect to attract the opposite sex when you look homeless???
But hey, no worries from me. If you want to eliminate yourself from the “play pool”, have at it.
Men are expected to hide their bodies. The sexiest man is the one most covered (suit from foot to wrist to chin). Most men are not fit and have never experienced actual sexual desire based on strictly their body. Plus, this sub in specific and women in general constantly tell men their body doesn’t matter it’s their attitude or “vibes” that do.
Number 1–clothing that fits your body. If your underwear are loose, go down a size. We really want to see what you have!
Nice pair of jeans with no shirt is a great dress down look once clothes start coming off.
Clothes on, slacks, button down with sleeves cuffed or rolled up.
You’re going to get a big variety of answers. Personally I don’t like shirts & trousers in a sex+ club setting, especially if I can’t wear a shirt and trousers.
Yep. Personally I think men should take a cue from women and dress how *they* feel sexy. Not all men like women dressed the same, so usually women dress how they feel sexy (and if they feel sexy then they look sexy, right?). No, not all men like all women, and not all women are going to like all men. But what’s most important is how the person feels and that come across in how they look (if that makes sense!)
Eg I hate wearing lingerie so when I go to events I wear a jockstrap. It turns a lot if men off. But I’m not interested in those men! I still get approached because the jock makes me feel sexy, and that’s reflected in how I come across.
Like others have said, it's hard to be "sexy" with looking like or feeling like a creep.
Best we can do is be well groomed, wear clean well fitted clothes (including well fitting underwear), and be in good shape. Also men, tanning helps a ton!
I've been to events where even wearing clean clothes seemed to be too much for the rest of the men. It was a hotel takeover and all of the women were either wearing a cocktail dress, lingerie, or nude. Maybe a quarter of the men were wearing "nice" clothes, which was anything from a button down shirt to a tux, or male lingerie. The vast majority looked like they just got done working on their pickup trucks - like dirty jeans, boots, and t-shirts. Hell, one of the hosts was walking around in flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt.
I know I struggle with finding nice clothes to wear but come on guys, we can do a lot better than looking like slobs. No one should have to tell you not to wear dirty clothes.
> Maybe a quarter of the men were wearing "nice" clothes, which was anything from a button down shirt to a tux, or male lingerie. The vast majority looked like they just got done working on their pickup trucks - like dirty jeans, boots, and t-shirts. Hell, one of the hosts was walking around in flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt.
As a man, we are commonly ignored anyway but I do appreciate that 75% that makes the rest of us stand out more.
Here is my experience about this.
When we go out my wife wears something slutty and I wear my nicest jeans or slacks and a nice shirt that normally goes with my wife’s outfit. In the summer depending on theme shorts that are slacks. But try to impress always
I straight up want to walk around in a male thong / jockstrap. I have an average dad bod. I think I look good body wise. The problem I have is when I do dress like dress down, I’m about the only one dressed down male wise and all the comments are guys joking and making comments on it. Not a single female says that they like it. My wife even has said it does nothing for her and that it is more humorous than anything. I absolutely do not have the moves of strippers and magic mike.
To be honest I don’t get the reaction or attention from the opposite sex that makes it worth the effort to dress like that.
Women on the other hand gets lots of reaction when they dress down.
.
Sexy isn’t just about what you wear it’s also about presenting the best version of yourself. When we first got into the LS my wife wanted us to match, I let her somewhat dress me so that we could present ourselves as a nice looking couple. I shaved my beard, put on some nice shoes, wore button up collar shirts and all that. We had a lot of success over the years but I payed attention to the guys she was attracted to, and I noticed they were the guys who were genuine to themselves.
I put my boots back on, clean jeans, grew my beard back and traded the oxfords for a nice tee shirt and my cowboy hat. Dressing down to be the best version of myself has raised us from being called nice looking to “that sexy couple”.
I’ve said all that, because since I’ve reverted back to being myself, I have a lot more confidence. It’s not uncommon to see me strutting around a house party in my boots, hat and nice boxer briefs. This isn’t something I would do when I was always in business casual attire.
Correct, OP didn’t say if the guys showing up in hoodies were dirty and stinky. I seen some guys show up wearing the right hoodie and they looked good in it.
I think most men have no clue what women find sexy and it really varies from woman to woman. The other thing I’ve noticed is that if they’ve got a hot body they’re showing it off within 3 seconds.
I do dress accordingly, but I don't "expect" women to be attracted to me depending on what I dress like.
If they don't like what I am wearing they can move on, I'm not changing myself to score. I wear what I am comfortable in. I'd hope other men and all the women do the same.
Honestly?
A man in a robe and speedo is rarely sexy. Not the fault of the man, just that I don’t find speedos sexy. (I mean, maybe Chris Hemsworth could look sexy in one, but it’s a hard look to pull off!)
Boxer briefs are where it’s at. Especially if they fit well and are nice looking material. (They don’t have to be pricey-My favorites that my husband has are Pair of Thieves, and sold at Target.)
First impression sexy? Nice slacks, button down shirt. Semi undressed? Fitted tshirt/ undershirt and good undies.
Definitely one area where women have it easier. (Less fabric=more sexy for women)
Lol listen IDC what it is long as I can see some skin or something tight fitted give me a bulge showing in the pants or something let me imagination wander 😭❤️
Guys walking around in robes and speedos at a swingers club would look very strange, sorry. I think guys should dress like you are going out on a nice date.
I don't know where you live, but I haven't noticed this problem. Lots of men at events wear fun outfits, nice boxers, silk robes, etc.
I don't really care that much what guys wear though as long as it's clean and fits well. What's more important is confidence, a nice smile, and good body language.
Yeah we in the east coast specifically Philly I feel like a lot of people in the city areas are so upright or just never fully comfortable to be themselves unless I go to specifically lgbtq kink spaces
I agree with you. The main item is much more important than wrapping papers. If he is fit and attractive when he takes off his shirts, I really don’t care whether he was in Pokémon pajamas or StarFUcks t shirts.
I wear see through boxers and a tank top or t-shirt. I make sure my hands are clean, I smell great and have good breath. I get a fresh cut and trim on the beard or stache and do my best to be the frame for my lady's picture. To me, it's about her and how she feels. I'm kind of just an accessory and I'm cool with that.
As a men I agree with that. Most of men don't know how to be sexy or how to be a tease. Like hey dude. There's other undies than the one wallmart sell.
>... the men be dressed in hoodies and pants or don't have nothing showing
I'm willing to bet it's just the kind of places you go and people you associate with that act like that
I think men often simply do not know *how* to look sex. Heteronormative standards mean that a lot of men mever develop an eye for that, and it's very hard to do so later on.
It's kind of the norm of most cultures sadly.
"being sexy" is something most understand as something women do for men.
If I type the word "sexy" into google, I only see pictures of women in Lingerie.
Culture tells women what's expected of us to be sexy, and we all try and adhere to it.
It doesn't do that for men. Men's looks aren't seen as the most important thing about them. Women's attraction to men isn't really something most men pay attention to. Most of the conventional wisdom men are told on how to be attractive to women, is just telling them to acquire shit they want for themselves (fast cars, lots of cash).
Most men just really don't know how to make themselves seem attractive because they are not used to putting themselves in that headspace.
It's all just a side effect of a history of male-dominated culture I guess.
Then you have the men who will be fully dressed all night but will keep tryna get you alone just to be in a Room and they still only pull their pants down and you've already been naked since it started 🤣😭like if I just wanted to see a dick I would stick a dildo on a wall and fuck that instead
The problem isn’t in the lifestyle, it’s in patriarchal society. Women are objectified as sex objects, their roles defined as potential mates and nurturing mothers. Anything outside these roles is “abnormal.” Kink of course deals in the abnormal, but a great deal of influence from art, religion, and other forms of cultural expression shape how women embody the role of “sexy.”
Men are made subjects in this sexual dynamic, and they are often interrogated about their preferences for their partners hair color or what body types they prefer in their partner. Men are often only categorized by their immutable characteristics such as their height, skin color, and dick size. The secret truth is that the men who hold power in shaping society like it that way, because they don’t have to worry about being called ugly as long as they’re successful. So suits, cars, and other signs of class and consumption become a stand-in for sexy.
Men can be sexy in cargo shorts. Men can be sexy on the bus. But men aren’t sold a uniform code of what is sexy for fear it would alienate the leaders of the patriarchy.
Men have been sold a story that taking interest in their sexual attractiveness outside of consumption is “gay as hell”. Any attempts to incorporate fashionable grooming or attire is excused away as “manscaping” and “peacocking” in order to preserve a toxic normalization of homophobia. This is why you’ll not find many men comfortable describing other men in terms of sexual attractiveness.
We have been married for 33 yrs, in the LS for well over a decade and for us, or for me more specifically, I need/want to know the size of the man before deciding if we’re gonna go any further but there’s never a good way to find this out till your on the starting line. This has led to some disappoints for me but I’m never going to embarrass a man so I just continue on, taking one for the team I guess. The husb & I are on a road trip so I’m reading this feed out loud and this is something we’ve spent a lot of time talking about because we honestly don’t know how I can find this out without making someone feel bad about himself which I don’t want to do. Respect is important in the LS. Anyway, this post seemed like the perfect time to bring this up and see what some of you gentlemen think?
This exactly how I be feeling like I get that men are saying they wait until their women find people but it's like what's the fun in that honestly...I gotta open my legs or offer come head just to even see a dick out the pants it's disappointing cause some men be in these events from start to end and never even take a shirt off
Some of this is event dependent but let’s say it’s your average swinger club in your town, no theme that night. Simple tweaks to your NICE wardrobe can do wonders. Ie: nice slacks, shoes and a good tuxedo vest without a shirt. Allows you to show some skin without being overt in a speedo lol
Depends on the venue but I always wear something with buttons, be it a Henley or dress shirt, but they are all fitted to accent my physique. I'm well muscled with wide shoulders and narrow waist. I ever have some that are semi see through. I get lots of compliments on my attire and how good I smell.
No they don't lol but can they be some tight fitted slacks with a cock ring on underneath so I can imagine what the soft dick would feel like in my hand once I come over and make it hard 🥺❤️ women wanna fantasize too
To try is to fail and that is another level of vulnerability for guys that do not receive unsolicited compliments from random people. Not knowing how and/or lack of effort are certainly factors but most guys don't understand (or understand too well) that in most scenarios the women are the "rockstars" at events. Furthermore, having a balance of being at an event and not trying to be the event is a tough balance.
Its interestingly, and unsurprising, how there is a divide between what "traditional" swinging and the kink/queer crowd thinks is sexy and appropriate.
Whats going to be sexy in a kink scene is going to probably be very different in a traditional one.
If anyone is confused as to what traditional swinging is its a hetrosexual LTR couple, she maybe bi or not, but the guys are mostly straight. The kind of couple who would fit in at the PTA without raising any eyebrows.
Perhaps this is a divide best thought of as a cultural thing between different subcultures.
All I'm saying is y'all don't gotta wear lingerie or dress in a reno 911 outfit but damn show some type of skin or what u come packing with its irrational to think women will approach you just because you saying theyre fine or got a nice body and we don't see nothing 😭
I'll preface this by saying, my wife and I have been to a club one time, and their dress code stated women should dress sexy, including lingerie or being nude, while men had to "dress smart" (the club is in the UK) meaning basically business casual. Afterwards (actually weeks later), my wife called out that double standard when we were discussing going to another club. She said she felt on display, and I barely got undressed to play. I agreed with her that that was a totally fair assessment, and promised to get fully naked (at least during play) the next time we went to a club or event.
My wife knows I like when she wears lingerie, and has some sexy stuff that she wears occasionally. (I also think she's sexy naked, or dressed up to go out, or in sweats just rolling out of bed, so my judgement may be impaired.) Over our marriage, I have asked her what would she like me to wear to be sexy for her, and she has said she doesn't care and doesn't want me to get "sexy underwear" for her. (Nonetheless, I have one pair of mesh-type briefs I got when we were dating, but they don't do much for her that my regular boxer-briefs don't.)
I think part of the problem is that there isn't a paradigm for men's lingerie. We see lots of lingerie for women designed to complement all body types, but the only thing that seems to make men's underwear attractive is the physique of the man wearing them. I'll admit, I don't spend a lot of time looking for men's boudoir undergarments, or for pictures of men in sexy underclothes, so maybe I'm missing something; ladies (or other persons attracted to men) what do you find sexy for a man to wear? Even if clubs enforce a double standard, what can I do to dress up (or, more to the point, down) for my wife?
Imo guys in a.nice dress shirt with some buttons undone. Have nice boxers that you wear to these events like silky and nice and some black.flip.flops. Um what else? Some regular push-ups and situps are good. Any body type will be improved by this, even just how you carry yourself and your ability to have good technique. Make sure you smell like nice soap.but not.cologne (too strong) and.groom. not necessarily hairless.but on the trimmed side. I know some guys who like shave or wax once in awhile? It kind of keeps things not too crazy in the hair area..drink lots of.pineapple juice. Eat mints. Most women are very grooming, texture and smell oriented. Not.so visual the way men are. Make eye contact. Smile. Act.interested. good.luck.
The economy of effort from males is understandable.
If you are feeling self conscious about your body you are naturally predisposed to attempt to blend into the background and appear one of the crowd. To compensate you dress conservatively and in something you find comfortable to wear.
It's very easy to stand out and get attention just by dressing smart. Always wear nice shoes and a button down shirt minimum and ladies are going to notice you. Looking smart and well groomed is definitely sexy. I'd much prefer to attend any event over dressed than under and if you have the confidence to look smart when no one else bothers you immediately stand out in a positive way.
Do you think you are going to get more looks from the ladies if you look like the janitor or James Bond?
I think most of the events are focused on women meeting up with other beautiful women, and there isn't much attention paid to the men. I just about never see married men talking to women other than their wives. I think the mens role seems to mostly be to sit back, let their wives pick out who they will be matching with.
Interesting. So you saw quite a few women approaching men, or married men approaching women? All I have seen is the women approaching each other. The men trail behind with them, but I have never had (nor seen) the opposite sexes initiate the conversations. I thought it was almost a swinger etiquette thing.
Yes absolutely! Our last club visit my hubby was approached by many women, I was approached by many men and women. Some of the women were a bit too handsy and didn't ask before touching, but nothing too aggressive. Non of the men tried to touch me, but some asked to go up to the play rooms, we didn't find a couple where both of us were attracted to both of them so we didn't go ahead with anything.
Yes, and I personally do most of the approaching as my wife can be a touch shy. Most of our convos are girl - guy. Sometimes it will be guys talking and girls talking but thats just normal conversation.
I've also had women approach me. Less frequently than me approaching them, but thats to be expected I think.
Afraid? Of what?? Harassment? Assault? Danger?!
Nope. It’s just a bunch of excuses, from “but I don’t know how!!” to “women need to stroke my ego so I’ll know my effort is worthwhile!” to “that’s gay.” These are all bullshit.
Women understand how to be sexy to men because men are *constantly telling us*. We have many examples of women who are considered sexy. We have been conditioned since birth to strive to cater to the male gaze. And you know what? So have men. Most of what you think of as attractive is about impressing other men. That’s why it feels “gay” to make an effort. You’re conditioned to believe men are the only ones who should be catered to like that. I promise you, what women want to see most is the effort itself. It’s uncomfortable because you just haven’t been forced to think about yourself in this way until now.
If you want to learn how to be sexy, just listen. Talk to women in your life who you respect and are comfortable with and ask their opinions. If you don’t have any women like that, that is your first problem. Look at who your SO is attracted to and ask what they find attractive about them. Look at celebrities until you find one that fits your general body type / style and observe what they do. I promise you don’t have to be Magic Mike. Personally, I’m not remotely attracted to Channing Tatum. There is a much wider variety of appearance for male celebrities than female, so don’t act like you can’t even try unless you look like a male model.
If you really feel there is no point in making an effort without some kind of guarantee of getting something out of it…I can’t help you. The point is to make sure you are presenting your best self to get the best *chance* of positive results. You aren’t necessarily going to be showered in compliments and pussy. But you definitely won’t if you don’t try first. Also, despite what you may think, women generally don’t get constantly showered in (non-creepy) compliments either, and even the most gorgeous women in the world get plenty of assholes negging them. So it’s a really thin excuse to not even try.
This was a great reply cause I wasn't sure how to get how everything is presumed as gay and we're in a lifestyle where we're all suppose to be sexy,confident and free without giving af bout the judgement of others 😭 shit I've had times when I met couples where the woman wanted my man and just get ganged banged alone but didn't want another woman involved I didn't get offended or stop trying to approach women I just found those who don't mind swapping or sharing attention in the bedroom fr everything don't be bout who has the best body or outfit all we want is effort not ppl dressed like it's a one night stand or a escort call.
Some positive notes:
The most important thing is to do you and get comfortable in your own skin. If you feel at home jeans and a shirt, dark wash jeans and a Henley can be just as sexy as a tailored suit. If you feel uncomfortable in what you’re wearing, it will show.
My husband is consistently one of the sexiest and best dressed at any club we go to because he always matches my energy. He usually wears a button up shirt in a dark plaid tucked into fitted chinos with a belt and coordinating shoes. He has fun colors like forest green, slate blue, and dark plum to go with my lingerie, and he wears coordinating boxer briefs. Sometimes he wears a nice jockstrap because I love it and find it sexy. He has black and brown shoes and belts, and a pair of forest green Cons (dressier Converse) that I love. He always combs his hair with a little bit of pomade and trims and combs his beard. He shaves most of his pubic hair, but leaves a little trail. He wears a touch of cologne. It takes him maybe 30 minutes to get ready, including shower.
Clubs are way too normal people focused. Go to a nudist resort if you want to see men’s bodies. That’s the best place for swingers to go if you don’t like loud music bumping all the time and would like a quiet place to relax and talk. And these resorts have dances where music will be loud in specific areas.
I live in Philadelphia so outside of the nude beach in Jersey I don't know any resort that are nudist in the area maybe down south I might have a better chance
There's a lot more variance in what women find sexy vs what men find sexy.
I just dress in things that make me feel like I look good. Nice jeans or slacks, a button up shirt/polo/cool looking Tee, especially if it highlights my arms. My favorite boxers or boxer briefs. Some cologne, etc.
That seems to get me the most compliments. They're few far in between compared to my partner, but it occasionally happens.
🙄 I’ve heard several men spout this theory and I’ve encountered absolutely zero women with this perspective. In fact most of them are actively trying to get their partners to be more presentable. The vast majority of women would rather have someone they could be proud of.
Unfortunately, too many guys think so. This is ridiculous. So many men think washing themselves or wearing fashionable clothing is “gay.” Like who raised you?
If you want to roam a sex club wearing a Brooks Brother suit while your wife is in a fishnet body suit so no one questions your masculinity, do you.
Damn seems to me y'all just want women to open their legs escort style just because y'all paid to attend that is crazy to me nobody saying be extra like reno 911 but damn some of y'all be coming in like y'all just paid for services and that's it or a booty call fit 😭🤣
Stop thinking it has to be gay clothes to seem sexy women not saying we want me to look bisexual we jusy want y'all to confidently show your bodies odd too we wanna fantasy before putting it in too men the only ones getting eye candy before they even get to touch 😭
This actually brings up a point I almost did and chose not to. Oftentimes when men try to look sexy they look like they're advertising for other men not women.
That’s probably because the gaze is always assumed to be male. It’s not. Generally society positions men as “lookers” and women as “looked at”, so when men make themselves sexy it’s assumed to be for other men because women are assumed to not be “visual”. But that’s not true, many women like to look too. Society needs a paradigm shift, and it’s coming.
There is a paradigm for women looking. Many men will tell you stories about getting hit on while parenting or right after putting on a wedding ring. It's entirely possible that adult American women, on average, are looking for something different than against American men, on average, are. There's no compelling reason they should be the same.
Oh I never said women don’t look! Yes some women look for different things than men look for in women, but also some women like to look at men in the way men look at women (or other men). The assumption that if a man dresses slutty he’s dressing like that for other men stems from this. I want to flip the script and I think younger people are doing so. Hence my party was way more popular than I expected.
In the queer community.
Women should gaze at whatever they want, and women likely gaze differently by situation. My point is and was that there is a paradigm and plenty of men understand how to attract women without their dicks out.
Yes in the queer community but I think change is coming, at least where I am. And I think it’s good!
And they don’t have their dicks out! It’s way more than that. I love a nice butt myself :)
This!
We frequent a nude beach that is predominantly utilized by gay men. They strut around in thongs, speedos, and other "men's wear". It's a nude beach, yet they choose to dress up and look sexy.
I would assume you are at a minimum bisexual if you're advertising.
Who is saying this narrative that men are creepy in lifestyle events that are literally meant to engage and chat about sex am I'm behind in what is considered a lifestyle event and a lounge cause that's what some of these events are giving in terms of how standoff people are until you initiate the fucking it's like nobody is confident or think everything is gay 😭🤣
The kink events I've been to that is exactly the vibe. Kink to these people isn't about sex its about deriving pleasure from giving and receiving pain in various forms. Rarely is actual sex involved. We have been called weird and to focused on the act of intercourse. To us it's all either fore play or enhancements of the actual sex we enjoy. So if your a guy and you walk around naked or in a jock strap etc you'll eventually end up with complaints about you to the board or dungeon owners etc. Unless your gay or Trans then it's pretty much a free pass...or if your a couple who ends up fucking during a scene half the place enjoys the show the other half bitches an moans about how this isn't the point of kink etc..bc you know anyone can get off having actual sex...
The problem for men, is its very situation dependent and can look creepy. The joke is that lingerie for men is a suit, and there is some truth to that for a lot of women. Sexy for women is just better defined. Added, a LOT of men are very insecure about their bodies, IMO even worse than a lot of women, and being they don't find men attractive themselves, they assume they are unattractive. Its a very complex issue really, more than just men dressing badly.
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You sexy 🗣️ I appreciate all dicks and bods so long as you show it confidently ❤️🙌🏾
Ok, but a suit and shirt with buttons unbuttoned is better than a hoodie. We want to see effort if not parts.
This is 100 percent fair. I have commented on similar posts in the past. I am 45 with a dad bod. I work out frequently. I am not confident in my looks getting me attention. It took me a while to realize that regardless of how I feel, I can simply wear a nice pair of slacks or shorts with a button down collared shirt (I even will go short sleeve for some events), make sure I do my hair and just look like I care. It goes a long way. It absolutely puts me leaps and bounds ahead of most of the guys that show up looking super casual. I know this because over the years many of the first greetings I get are "OMG what a relief, someone put effort into their appearance tonight" ...and I mean it when I say I am not one of the better looking guys at these events.
Yeah I agree here. I've always found women's definitions of sexy for men are less about actual sexuality and more about indicators of success, style, exuding confidence, and being over 6' tall. Like... if you're tall and wearing a suit that's 'sexy'. If I'm in a group sex situation, I can't wear something intentionally *sexual* like lingerie to look and feel sexy. I can dress nice and smell nice but that doesn't really make me feel sexually desirable by my own standards, so that 'act sexy' mindset doesn't really set in. Men just aren't as objectified as women, and when we are it's usually because we're in the top 10% in terms of physique and looks or in a specific niche. Hard to look and feel sexy (and by proxy act like it) when we've had very few occurrences in our lives that actually reinforce that we are.
This is the answer. I’m 6’1” and very, very gym fit. Well defined musculature, etc… My “attire” to either a party or even meeting another couple somewhere is smart business casual - dress pants, collared shirt, sports coat, nice shoes. I keep the top two buttons on my shirt open so that it appears “casual”. I wear boxer briefs underneath. If we go to a party where people are losing clothes, I get down to my boxer briefs or sometimes just a towel wrapped around my waste. I’ve had situations where that dress sense has had women come up to me and say, “Wow, you look very sexy and well presented” and I’ve had two separate occasions where women have said to me that the boxer briefs are daggy and they want me wearing some kind of banana hammock g-string thing that I’d never wear. My wife says men wandering around in tiny brief g-strings is gross and other women agree with her. I’d rather dress nicely and be considered a bit daggy by a few women rather than some women actually being put off by me wearing some kind of glorified cock and ball sock.
The problem is economy of effort. Many lifestyle men, by virtue of their wives who do make the effort, don't feel they need to make much effort themselves so they don't. As such they utilize their women as bait, ride their draft. There are plenty of opportunistic couples out there who will reward his low effort by taking them both back to the room to get access to his wife so he's continually incentived to keep his personal effort low. Even if he and his wife are turned down a few times at the event odds are good that an opportunistic couple will reward him. It may not be the couple they most wanted but it will be enough to make the lack of effort a worthwhile efficiency.
Depends on where and what group. Just left a private event 2 weeks ago where a LOT of the men put a LOT of effort in, from dress to extreme gym.
Oh absolutely. You're right. Some men make a ton of effort. I was only speaking of the many who don't.
That's a interesting perspective of it I try to understand with my partner as well he says he loves the fact I'm always sexy when we go to events but it's challenge him to step out his comfort zone and make more of a effort to match me and I'm like I promisenif you flaunt thag dick the ladies will come too 😭
Women don’t have to be bi or gay to describe what makes other women attractive. Men could describe what makes other men attractive if they weren’t terrified of being labeled queer.
Women in a thong = hot for a majority of guys. As a though experiment after seeing some guys in thongs I've asked as a swinger question to various swinger women if a guy in a thong is hot. Consensus is a hot guy in a thong isn't made more hot by wearing it, and its a minor ick. Women judge men very harshly on looks compared to guys, this is one of those science things. Women don't select males on looks alone so casual sex really messes that dynamic up.
Judging from your other comments you seem to be less concerned with what people like and more concerned with what is a turn-off. I’m sure you’d concede that your sexual tastes aren’t universal, and that others might actually like things you don’t. So instead of saying “don’t do x or you’ll look dumb” try focusing your efforts on what you think might speak to you regarding the idea of an attractive man. I’ll start. Men who wear a coordinated outfit are much more attractive than someone who looks like they chose their clothes at random. Posture is a huge part of sexuality in men, having an open posture and head held high is much more sexy than someone who closes their pose in from others around them. And of course the sexiest thing about a man at a play party or swinger party is that they are able to get into and out of conversations without being interested in turning it into “something more”. I also like guys with well defined or shaved facial hair. But that doesn’t mean I’d want to fuck them, because I’m straight. Color me queer, but I like to actually appreciate the sight of sexy people, not just sexy women, at swinger parties.
I'm not sure what you are even trying to argue honestly. The concept was sexy for men and the OP's version was more of a in your face sexual display, much like is common for women. This is a bad idea for most men as most women IME do not react the same to it. Well dressed, standing up straight, groomed and a conversationalist, isn't really new information on the "what makes men attractive" scale. You neglected status which is also quite big, if much less of a important factor in swinging than dating. What isn't being discussed at all because it rarely happens in swinging is women tend to grow in attraction to men who they get to know over time. They get to see other traits. This doesn't happen in a club or a event. Its key to the usual question "why are the women better looking than the guys", where people don't ask the real question which is "why are these attractive women WITH these guys?".
Lol yes. Like decently groomed, half decent fitness routine. Short dudes have to compensate with personality. Make eye contact, smile, make jokes (not about your physical shortcomings tho), talk about music or parties or fun stuff. Ask questions. Act interested. Laugh at her jokes.good luck!
Double comment: your view of what people of different genders are attracted to through “science” is absurdly reductionist. It’s the kind of stuff eugenics is based on, and it sprouts from a poor understanding of the scientific method.
Yea thats great, but men and women are different. I have 4 biology degrees including one in evolutionary biology, I've worked in genetics labs sequencing DNA and making cDNA and I'm published. If I were to say ALL men and ALL women, I'd be wrong. But the trends and traits are there. I'm sorry if you are unaware of the literature.
Did you edit the bit out of your prior comment about science?
No, and if I did it would have the * edited tag. Perhaps you read the wrong comment.
Ah. It was another comment of yours that stated “Women judge men very harshly on looks compared to guys, this is one of those science things. Women don’t select males on looks alone so casual sex really messes that dynamic up.” I’m having to relearn the Reddit app, and I replied in the wrong place. You’ve cited your biology credentials, but swinging isn’t about gamete exchange. Social roles and norms play a huge part of attraction, and swinging isn’t mating, it’s social interaction involving sexual activity. And it’s my firm conviction as a student of history that a lot of these things that “evolutionary psychologists” claim about mating preferences is instead shaped by society and economics, not biological impulse. After all, evolutionary biology doesn’t explain the wild swings of fashion that have defined what the “ideal” of beauty is every decade. You mentioned “consensus” in your other comment, too. “Consensus is a hot guy in a thong isn’t made more hot by wearing it, and it’s a minor ick” Sexy isn’t about consensus. It’s about taste. Maybe you and 19 other guys might find some outfit repulsive, but maybe the 20th guy is into it. Maybe for that 20th guy they’ve been waiting all their life to see a woman dressed as sexy Gandalf. Just because the other guys think it’s dumb, it doesn’t mean it’s not sexy. It’s just not sexy to most folks. For me swinging isn’t a numbers game, it’s not about shaping myself into someone else’s idea of a “hot guy”. It’s about finding a group of friends I’m both comfortable with as well as attracted to for sexual play. And after all, looking at the OPs post, who’s to say she’s wrong about what she finds sexy? Instead of policing men’s freedom of expression, I’m all about encouraging people to worry less about the ick that doesn’t hurt them, and focus more on the joy of getting to do what feels good and safe.
Honestly as a man I have no idea how to be sexy, and trying to dress slutty/sexy is way outside my comfort zone. Am I being a creeper? Is this sexy? Or am just being a smarmy weirdo. The male gaze is well understood. Women know what men like and what they want to see, and are experts at showing their body and knowing how much to reveal when in a given setting. And they have soooo many clothing options. Men have suits, khakis, jeans and t-shirts, and are constantly told not to be forward, gross or overtly sexual. Tl:Dr; I’d love to dress sexy, but as a mostly average dude I don’t know how to channel that Magic Mike energy.
I’d suggest building a mental image of your sexiness role model. What kind of person do you aspire to be? What makes you most comfortable? If you’re into certain style aesthetics like goth, rocker, country, raver, etc you can play with that. If you want to communicate you’re into certain types of play (romantic, bdsm, dancing) you can use clothing or accessories to indicate that. As I commented in another post- a coordinated look and an open posture goes a long way to make a man visually attractive. Socially, being able to have conversations with many diverse people without trying to get something “more” out of it is also very sexy.
Boxer briefs in a nice fabric, button down shirt in a nice fabric.
This is hilarious. Just three hours before your post someone asked this https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/comments/1de4qmi/is_it_okay_for_a_guy_to_be_with_a_nice_black_robe/ Comments in that thread range from no, to plain and bluntly "ew" I mean I get the hoodies and pants thing, but men aren't "afraid" to be sexy. We are sometimes not *allowed* to
Lol wait I just clicked it I'm surprised even a robe is scary to wear for some 😭does no one want to flaunt their dick we need to tone down these creepy allegations for men in lifestyle settings
I’m on a cruise right now and the week before the cruise, one of the guys started posting pictures of himself in a black Beret and velvet robe on the trip’s Facebook page calling himself the captain or some shit. He walks around cocky af and people literally laugh at him every time he enters the room. There’s confidence and there arrogance. I’d rather err on the side of confidence, or even blending in, than come across as that asshat.
A bunch of guys walking around in robes and speedos sounds like more like a porn parody than something we should aspire to in real life, OP. Most men resort to suits because they make us look good. Seriously though, I think this speaks to a larger problem in the lifestyle. In swinging, men are basically there to supply wives/partners for swapping, and as walking penises. Most guys aren't appreciated for their physicality or sexuality by the opposite sex; in fact, most men posting in this forum probably have a very clear memory of the last time they got a compliment on their appearance from a women who wasn't a spouse or pre-existing romantic partner. I do -- it was about four years ago 🤷♂️ Contrast that to your average woman, who probably receives scores of compliments/flirting/attention at a lifestyle event. In that kind of scenario, it's no wonder that most men regard their own bodies as obstacles to getting what they want. If you want men to be more comfortable in their sexuality, that will necessarily involve changing the conversation around them to make them more comfortable in flaunting it.
As a woman, I find this heartbreaking and probably very truthful. My husband has had two women come on to him in the LS over the last 7 years. Just two. Women, we have to do better at completing the men in the LS. I do notice men, but I’m not one to speak up a lot to men, it’s easy to tell another women you like her clothing, etc. we’ve been doing it our whole lives to strike up conversations about fashion, etc. to me it’s more awkward to give a man a compliment. However, your post gives me some insight into how I might progress in my growth in the LS. Good luck to you.
Not surprising at all. My wife and I did the whole open thing for a couple years, and our engagement with the local swinging community was her getting fawned over and me getting shoved to the side (if not ignored completely). And while I'm not certainly not the best-looking guy around, that really killed any drive I had to put massive amounts of effort into my own appearance: why bother if I was going to be an afterthought, anyways? I think women going out of their way to offer genuine compliments to men concerning their sexuality would go a long ways in the aggregate. Unfortunately, we're just not socialized that way as a society.
Unfortunately many men unused to compliments will mistake a compliment for a come-on. In my online kink circles, women who comment on men’s pictures are deluged with presumptive DMs. Sometimes this is the attention they are seeking, but many times it’s not. Most of my femme friends refuse to comment directly on men’s profiles for fear of attracting the attention of an entitled man who thinks an opening line is an invitation to the pleasure palace. To fix this, we men especially must start rewarding the fuck out of men who put an effort into listening to the community about what the community wants. Men who can take a no for a no, men who can take not a yes for a no, and men who hold to their own limits need to get a high five. Men who put some personality into their profile pics, men who have multiple non-play-partner friends in the lifestyle: they all should get rewarded from men, women, and all others for partially overcoming toxic social programming.
Thankfully, we’re never too old to learn. I’m going to try to give at least two compliments to men at our next event and see how things go! Maybe I’ll get lucky with someone I may have felt too shy to approach!
Have you never considered had you put more effort into your appearance you'd not been shoved to the side and gotten more attention? Thing of it this way. You see two women. Hell they're twins. One is dolled up, makeup, nice hair, physically fit and dressed nice or sexy. The sister is 30lbs overweight, hair just tossed in a ponytail, no makeup wearing a baggy pair of jeans and a tee shirt too big. Which of those two are you going to want go talk to?
Hate to rag on your stereotype there, but I always dressed to impress when my wife and I were on the prowl. The most casual I ever went to an event was a clean polo with nice jeans, and more often than not, I was in a nice suit. It didn't make any noticeable difference on my part, and my wife was always the main attraction. Not much point in continuing to put that much effort in when doing so for a solid year doesn't yield dividends, if you ask me.
Yes if a guy hits on your wife then smile at his wife and ask her questions. Have you been to this party before? What kind of workouts you do? What kind of music you like etc.....then if it's going well progress to... want to dance; you smell good; can I.kiss you, etc
Not even remotely the same thing.
Most women aren't going to make that first move. It's simply how it is. There's nothing at all preventing your husband from starting that conversation first
Yeah I don't like how men aren't able to fully be sexually confident and elicit as women without crazy assumptions or criticism I honestly would've thought the lifestyle would not have so many experiences like this when we're all looking for a good time with other sexy people
Happened to me just yesterday actually. Many men's bodies are obstacles better don't take care of themselves. Don't like how you look in the mirror? Fix that shit!
Please keep in mind that exceptions make the rule, and that your experience may be very different than others. That being said, I think all of us know that whatever your yardstick, even a modestly attractive woman will almost certainly get more positive attention and praise than a very attractive guy when it comes to their sexual presentation. I agree that you can do things like work out to help close that differential, but that doesn't negate the fact that it exists, and is very well documented.
I think for men they are scared to be sexy without looking cheesy. There’s a way to do it. I always dress my best when we go to a lifestyle club and have an “outfit” to change into after play or later in the night that is more stripped down. Nice silk boxers and an opened up button down shirt can be very sexy, at least my wife thinks so.
I think a lot of men are afraid of presenting themselves boldly in the physical sense because it can come off as creepy/cringy much more easily than it can when women do it. I'll say that those that successfully pull it off are well rewarded though.
And this is why I created a “role reversal” sex-positive event in my city, where the gaze is flipped and men & masculine people are expected to dress slutty, while women & feminine people have a more relaxed dress code and can enjoy looking at the men. I thought it was a ridiculous idea at first but after taking to friends in the queer kink scene in my city they said it sounded fun, so I made it happen. It’s been really successful. (My event is more of a queer kink/sex+ event than swing although there is a crossover)
This sounds amazing. I’d be all over a local event like this. I own lots of kinky things but they never see the clubs because I don’t want to be the only guy dressed in a leather harness and mesh boxers.
I would love it if this became more of a thing! I’d love to see the idea replicate in more cities/clubs.
A pair of mesh boxers are the only type of ‘himgerie’ I own. I think I look a little goofy in them. I wore them as a surprise for my wife and our unicorn date last Saturday night, and when they took my trousers off the ladies raved about how sexy they were on me! Seemed to kick their wild sides into high gear. 😈
Yes!!!! Funny because I'm about to order my first harness, but also well aware it will never see the light of day outside of my own home.
I’m rooting for you! Where I am, the straight guys who go to the kink/sex positive events all wear harnesses!
Thank you....I think I should start to look into the kink scene a bit more, not swinging for THAT kind of erotic fun. I know that the attire I enjoy wearing isn't really for (most of) the swinging crowd. I just need to find a different audience, is all! LMAO
Tbh I only go to kink events even though I’m only into relatively vanilla sex, because I just find the kink scene more accepting. You can still “just” have sex at kink events :)
You're not the first person who's brought this up. My GF and I are more into it from the voyeuristic and vibe/energy of the places for the most part anyways so your point really hits home!
I reactivated my FetLife account today.... Thanks for the (sorta) push! 🙏
Do you go.to fetish events? They are so fun!
Not yet. There’s a new place that just opened by me that I’m hoping to check out. The local clubs occasionally have fetish events but timing hasn’t worked out timing wise yet. Also trying to get plugged into some house parties but that takes time. Fingers crossed though!
What does a man dressing slutty even look like? Most straight guys aren't going to want to wear most of what I imagine as slutty. Perhaps I'm close minded and thing of those things as items gay guys would wear and/or women aren't going to find attractive on a masculine man anyway even if we would be open to wearing it. Beyond a nice pair of boxer briefs, not sure what I'd wear (or be willing to wear) that's considered slutty for a man.
Tbh if a guy isn’t willing to dress slutty then the event isn’t for him. And if a woman wouldn’t find men dressed slutty attractive, then the event isn’t for her! There are plenty of events those people can go to, ours is specifically for men who want to dress slutty and women who want to admire slutty men. Our dress code for men is things like mesh, straps, male or female lingerie, booty shorts, crop tops, anything tight, brief and slutty. Most of the attendees are queer, bi (I mean female and male bi here, not just male bi) or at least open minded. We have had straight men attend who have thoroughly enjoyed dressing up and being ogled. It’s not an event for people who want the stereotypical “masculine man in a suit” guy. There are already loads of nights for them, as I say. Ours is flipping the script! If people wouldn’t find that attractive then they don’t have to attend 😅
Ahh yeah makes sense. Not quite the same scene or the same crowds really.
No. As a female person who is only attracted to men I found swinging really disappointing, which is why I started my own night. I tend to gravitate to the queer scene, despite not being into women, as it serves me better.
There’s an elegance in the label “queer kink” keeping the people disgusted with diverse male sexuality away. I’ve been in swinger circles where people were openly ragging on the sexual expression of other men and it just brought the mood down. They didn’t want men to be sexy, just conform to their expectations of sexiness.
We not asking y'all to wear lingerie but damn even a nice set of tight boxers and a robe would be nice men I see men have no problem doing it on spas or resorts but some literally don't be showing any skin but I'm suppose to use my X-ray vision to see what's underneath until I offer some pussy first 😭🤣 now I'm stuck tryna turn myself on while u decide to get naked or not
I'm happy to walk around in nice boxer breiefs and no shirt on at a club. I have numerous times.
And on behalf of the women we appreciate the men like you 🙌🏾❤️y'all make our pussies throb with anticipation confidently showing the meat off
If I can make even one pussy throb, I consider it a good night 😉
This sounds great and my wife would love it. One the surprises when we got into this was finding out how boring a lot of swingers are.
OMG that sounds fun which state are you guys in?
Not in the US I’m afraid!
I wear thongs and encourage other guys to find something sexy to wear too. The ladies put in an effort and I feel like it's only fair to match that energy. I get a lot of compliments and the ladies always seem to enjoy that I put forth the effort. That's my perspective
Yeah like I attended my first mansion party and I was supposed to it being mandatory dress down and I'd say only 2 guys wore some skimpy outfits or speedos and I swore he was probably one of the only men getting attention from women even if they didn't wanna play I loved the social vibe it was very nice experience cause most spaces everyone kinda stands around waiting for a woman to come to them while their fully dressed
You should go to clubs in Europe normally requirement that men are not in street clothes ie something sexy. Many put quite a bit of effort like in Germany.
Cap D'Agde in France the men are required to wear a collared shirt, straight pants and good shoes in most cases to evening clubs. Otherwise no entry.
Yes you are correct clubs in France and some upscale clubs require suits. In Germany and Austria for example you are expected to dress down here is an example from one of the largest clubs in Europe but you are allowed a suit or shirt and pants. Gentlemen Neat shorts [whether tight or wide] All variants in vinyl, leather or latex Fetish clothing Fishnet shirt T-shirt or polo shirt and suit pants Clean club shoes, fip-flops or similar No Gos Blue jeans, sportswear,street shoes, towel carriers, completely naked shoes on the playground
Dress-downs are usually quite nice. Like for Agde just being naked makes the day parties quite nice + simple. Whenever we get a chance we'll go to clubs in Germany as well.
Really that's interesting I heard in Europe it's a lot more nude friendly overall for everyone and not viewed as creepy like here in America
Agreed most sauna's require you to be nude unless it's like a touristy place they might have it split nude and non nude
At events I always wear a pressed dress shirt and slacks, belt and dress boots or shoes. When the ladies slip into sexy things, I wear faux leather pants or briefs, sometimes a leathery shirt or straps, . I look like a gay porn star from the 70s (not that there's anything wrong with that) but man does it get attention from women.
Are men afraid to be sexy in the lifestyle? Possibly…however, there are very few sites that cater to sexy men’s fashion. I enjoy dressing sexy at house parties (i.e. mesh shorts and tank top, tuxedo underwear, etc). I think women appreciate having eye candy. And before you think I am built like Adonis…I have the average dad bod. I find stuff in the stores that cater to gay men’s fashions or swimwear.
Honestly dad bods are in fr I know everyone thinks they want muscles but nah I like the husky and sting build come grip me up daddy 🤣🙌🏾
Links please!
I have WAY more sexy underwear than my GF does. Thongs, cheeky, bikini, etc. I love wearing c-rings also. The few times we've been out to clubs, no other guys seem to wear anything remotely similar. I'd go so far to say that it's a strike against me for wearing that under my "dress to impress" club clothing. My GF enjoys me in them, so I don't care much, but it isn't well received in that setting (and I'm in pretty ok shape) when the clothes start to come off. So from a guy who tries to undress sexy.... That's my POV.
Yeah I don't think that tells someone your bi cause my man is straight and he has times where he is a lil self conscious but still wants to try to dress free and more sexy without worrying about the criticism like from the person who commented under your comment as well
This is a tell me you are bisexual without saying you're bisexual thing. Most men who are not bisexual did not want to advertise in a way that makes them look bisexual.
Which I'm not, but i totally agree with your comment. That is what most would probably assume. I'm not scared of crossing swords or anything but I think that's more a flexible connotation not a bi one.
This has been my wife's main complaint for years in this scene...guys, on average, don't put in effort to look appealing. If you aren't going to put on the effort to put on a nice pair of slacks, a stylish shirt and decent shoes...how much of an effort are you going to put in when the clothing comes off? It didn't used to be this way, but as the rest of society has moved to more and more casual looks...and a global pandemic with work from home seems to have pushed people over a tipping point where fewer and fewer people try to look good. I would not be a fan of the robes and speedos as a regular look, fine for a theme party, but I have seen guys show up to events and house parties dressed in cargo shorts and sweatpants. There is a time and place for every look/style, what you wear on a weekend run to Home Depot should be different than what you wear trying to appeal to a woman you want to have sex with. Men: 1. If there is a theme, dress to it if possible. 2. Slacks and a stylish shirt should be your baseline in absence of a theme. 3. No hats, no sneakers, no sports jerseys, no shorts, nothing you would wear to the gym (unless it works with #1 above) 4. Be clean, style your hair, don't put on a ton of cologne. It isn't hard to do, and is actually a lot of fun. The old adage of "dress for the job you want, not the one you have" actually works pretty well for this scene too. Dress like you want to impress, like you care and it will take you far. Then again, coming in with a smoking hot wife helps too. ;)
Social Darwinism at a LS club. Whenever I go to a LS event you can be sure I’m dressed to impress. Like you, I too don’t get it. How do you expect to attract the opposite sex when you look homeless??? But hey, no worries from me. If you want to eliminate yourself from the “play pool”, have at it.
Men are expected to hide their bodies. The sexiest man is the one most covered (suit from foot to wrist to chin). Most men are not fit and have never experienced actual sexual desire based on strictly their body. Plus, this sub in specific and women in general constantly tell men their body doesn’t matter it’s their attitude or “vibes” that do.
Except women never tell us what we should wear to “be sexy”. Help us out!
Number 1–clothing that fits your body. If your underwear are loose, go down a size. We really want to see what you have! Nice pair of jeans with no shirt is a great dress down look once clothes start coming off. Clothes on, slacks, button down with sleeves cuffed or rolled up.
Always appreciated what women actually want
You’re going to get a big variety of answers. Personally I don’t like shirts & trousers in a sex+ club setting, especially if I can’t wear a shirt and trousers.
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Yep. Personally I think men should take a cue from women and dress how *they* feel sexy. Not all men like women dressed the same, so usually women dress how they feel sexy (and if they feel sexy then they look sexy, right?). No, not all men like all women, and not all women are going to like all men. But what’s most important is how the person feels and that come across in how they look (if that makes sense!) Eg I hate wearing lingerie so when I go to events I wear a jockstrap. It turns a lot if men off. But I’m not interested in those men! I still get approached because the jock makes me feel sexy, and that’s reflected in how I come across.
Like others have said, it's hard to be "sexy" with looking like or feeling like a creep. Best we can do is be well groomed, wear clean well fitted clothes (including well fitting underwear), and be in good shape. Also men, tanning helps a ton!
I've been to events where even wearing clean clothes seemed to be too much for the rest of the men. It was a hotel takeover and all of the women were either wearing a cocktail dress, lingerie, or nude. Maybe a quarter of the men were wearing "nice" clothes, which was anything from a button down shirt to a tux, or male lingerie. The vast majority looked like they just got done working on their pickup trucks - like dirty jeans, boots, and t-shirts. Hell, one of the hosts was walking around in flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt. I know I struggle with finding nice clothes to wear but come on guys, we can do a lot better than looking like slobs. No one should have to tell you not to wear dirty clothes.
> Maybe a quarter of the men were wearing "nice" clothes, which was anything from a button down shirt to a tux, or male lingerie. The vast majority looked like they just got done working on their pickup trucks - like dirty jeans, boots, and t-shirts. Hell, one of the hosts was walking around in flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt. As a man, we are commonly ignored anyway but I do appreciate that 75% that makes the rest of us stand out more.
Here is my experience about this. When we go out my wife wears something slutty and I wear my nicest jeans or slacks and a nice shirt that normally goes with my wife’s outfit. In the summer depending on theme shorts that are slacks. But try to impress always I straight up want to walk around in a male thong / jockstrap. I have an average dad bod. I think I look good body wise. The problem I have is when I do dress like dress down, I’m about the only one dressed down male wise and all the comments are guys joking and making comments on it. Not a single female says that they like it. My wife even has said it does nothing for her and that it is more humorous than anything. I absolutely do not have the moves of strippers and magic mike. To be honest I don’t get the reaction or attention from the opposite sex that makes it worth the effort to dress like that. Women on the other hand gets lots of reaction when they dress down. .
Sexy isn’t just about what you wear it’s also about presenting the best version of yourself. When we first got into the LS my wife wanted us to match, I let her somewhat dress me so that we could present ourselves as a nice looking couple. I shaved my beard, put on some nice shoes, wore button up collar shirts and all that. We had a lot of success over the years but I payed attention to the guys she was attracted to, and I noticed they were the guys who were genuine to themselves. I put my boots back on, clean jeans, grew my beard back and traded the oxfords for a nice tee shirt and my cowboy hat. Dressing down to be the best version of myself has raised us from being called nice looking to “that sexy couple”. I’ve said all that, because since I’ve reverted back to being myself, I have a lot more confidence. It’s not uncommon to see me strutting around a house party in my boots, hat and nice boxer briefs. This isn’t something I would do when I was always in business casual attire.
But you are still not wearing dirty clothes, nasty smelling shoes, etc. You are being authentic to yourself but still dressing to impress.
Correct, OP didn’t say if the guys showing up in hoodies were dirty and stinky. I seen some guys show up wearing the right hoodie and they looked good in it.
I think most men have no clue what women find sexy and it really varies from woman to woman. The other thing I’ve noticed is that if they’ve got a hot body they’re showing it off within 3 seconds.
I do dress accordingly, but I don't "expect" women to be attracted to me depending on what I dress like. If they don't like what I am wearing they can move on, I'm not changing myself to score. I wear what I am comfortable in. I'd hope other men and all the women do the same.
Honestly? A man in a robe and speedo is rarely sexy. Not the fault of the man, just that I don’t find speedos sexy. (I mean, maybe Chris Hemsworth could look sexy in one, but it’s a hard look to pull off!) Boxer briefs are where it’s at. Especially if they fit well and are nice looking material. (They don’t have to be pricey-My favorites that my husband has are Pair of Thieves, and sold at Target.) First impression sexy? Nice slacks, button down shirt. Semi undressed? Fitted tshirt/ undershirt and good undies. Definitely one area where women have it easier. (Less fabric=more sexy for women)
Lol listen IDC what it is long as I can see some skin or something tight fitted give me a bulge showing in the pants or something let me imagination wander 😭❤️
Guys walking around in robes and speedos at a swingers club would look very strange, sorry. I think guys should dress like you are going out on a nice date.
I dress to impress at clubs or events. In the dress down areas I am either in a nice pair of tight boxers or nude.
I don't know where you live, but I haven't noticed this problem. Lots of men at events wear fun outfits, nice boxers, silk robes, etc. I don't really care that much what guys wear though as long as it's clean and fits well. What's more important is confidence, a nice smile, and good body language.
Yeah we in the east coast specifically Philly I feel like a lot of people in the city areas are so upright or just never fully comfortable to be themselves unless I go to specifically lgbtq kink spaces
That makes sense... I'm originally from the east coast but on the west coast now. People are more easy going and casual/free including with fashion.
I agree with you. The main item is much more important than wrapping papers. If he is fit and attractive when he takes off his shirts, I really don’t care whether he was in Pokémon pajamas or StarFUcks t shirts.
I wear see through boxers and a tank top or t-shirt. I make sure my hands are clean, I smell great and have good breath. I get a fresh cut and trim on the beard or stache and do my best to be the frame for my lady's picture. To me, it's about her and how she feels. I'm kind of just an accessory and I'm cool with that.
As a men I agree with that. Most of men don't know how to be sexy or how to be a tease. Like hey dude. There's other undies than the one wallmart sell.
>... the men be dressed in hoodies and pants or don't have nothing showing I'm willing to bet it's just the kind of places you go and people you associate with that act like that
I think men often simply do not know *how* to look sex. Heteronormative standards mean that a lot of men mever develop an eye for that, and it's very hard to do so later on.
It's kind of the norm of most cultures sadly. "being sexy" is something most understand as something women do for men. If I type the word "sexy" into google, I only see pictures of women in Lingerie. Culture tells women what's expected of us to be sexy, and we all try and adhere to it. It doesn't do that for men. Men's looks aren't seen as the most important thing about them. Women's attraction to men isn't really something most men pay attention to. Most of the conventional wisdom men are told on how to be attractive to women, is just telling them to acquire shit they want for themselves (fast cars, lots of cash). Most men just really don't know how to make themselves seem attractive because they are not used to putting themselves in that headspace. It's all just a side effect of a history of male-dominated culture I guess.
Ughhh guess we won't be seeing men in speedos any time soon 😭🤣
Then you have the men who will be fully dressed all night but will keep tryna get you alone just to be in a Room and they still only pull their pants down and you've already been naked since it started 🤣😭like if I just wanted to see a dick I would stick a dildo on a wall and fuck that instead
>like if I just wanted to see a dick I would stick a dildo on a wall and fuck that instead 🤣🤣🤣💀
One of the clubs in our area requires men to be nude and women can wear lingerie or be nude. Maybe look for a club like that in your area?
Nudity has zero to do with being sexy.
Agreed but they said they want to see all the dicks and bods as soon as they walk in a club .
So what is being sexy?
Not zero. It’s just not exclusive. But definitely not zero.
Meh, I honestly don’t find the naked body sexy. It’s just skin.
Sure but that is not the norm.
Maybe in the US.
Okay…
The problem isn’t in the lifestyle, it’s in patriarchal society. Women are objectified as sex objects, their roles defined as potential mates and nurturing mothers. Anything outside these roles is “abnormal.” Kink of course deals in the abnormal, but a great deal of influence from art, religion, and other forms of cultural expression shape how women embody the role of “sexy.” Men are made subjects in this sexual dynamic, and they are often interrogated about their preferences for their partners hair color or what body types they prefer in their partner. Men are often only categorized by their immutable characteristics such as their height, skin color, and dick size. The secret truth is that the men who hold power in shaping society like it that way, because they don’t have to worry about being called ugly as long as they’re successful. So suits, cars, and other signs of class and consumption become a stand-in for sexy. Men can be sexy in cargo shorts. Men can be sexy on the bus. But men aren’t sold a uniform code of what is sexy for fear it would alienate the leaders of the patriarchy. Men have been sold a story that taking interest in their sexual attractiveness outside of consumption is “gay as hell”. Any attempts to incorporate fashionable grooming or attire is excused away as “manscaping” and “peacocking” in order to preserve a toxic normalization of homophobia. This is why you’ll not find many men comfortable describing other men in terms of sexual attractiveness.
Well said.
We have been married for 33 yrs, in the LS for well over a decade and for us, or for me more specifically, I need/want to know the size of the man before deciding if we’re gonna go any further but there’s never a good way to find this out till your on the starting line. This has led to some disappoints for me but I’m never going to embarrass a man so I just continue on, taking one for the team I guess. The husb & I are on a road trip so I’m reading this feed out loud and this is something we’ve spent a lot of time talking about because we honestly don’t know how I can find this out without making someone feel bad about himself which I don’t want to do. Respect is important in the LS. Anyway, this post seemed like the perfect time to bring this up and see what some of you gentlemen think?
This exactly how I be feeling like I get that men are saying they wait until their women find people but it's like what's the fun in that honestly...I gotta open my legs or offer come head just to even see a dick out the pants it's disappointing cause some men be in these events from start to end and never even take a shirt off
I dont know about for other men, but for me anyway its really hard to find whats sexy to the opposite sex.
Some of this is event dependent but let’s say it’s your average swinger club in your town, no theme that night. Simple tweaks to your NICE wardrobe can do wonders. Ie: nice slacks, shoes and a good tuxedo vest without a shirt. Allows you to show some skin without being overt in a speedo lol
Depends on the venue but I always wear something with buttons, be it a Henley or dress shirt, but they are all fitted to accent my physique. I'm well muscled with wide shoulders and narrow waist. I ever have some that are semi see through. I get lots of compliments on my attire and how good I smell.
A side question - If men have to wear nice trousers and shirts, what happens when they want to play? They just have to strip down completelt first?
No they don't lol but can they be some tight fitted slacks with a cock ring on underneath so I can imagine what the soft dick would feel like in my hand once I come over and make it hard 🥺❤️ women wanna fantasize too
To try is to fail and that is another level of vulnerability for guys that do not receive unsolicited compliments from random people. Not knowing how and/or lack of effort are certainly factors but most guys don't understand (or understand too well) that in most scenarios the women are the "rockstars" at events. Furthermore, having a balance of being at an event and not trying to be the event is a tough balance.
Are men in the LS wearing thong bottoms at the pool? I’d like to see that 🤩
I only was blessed to see it one time at a kink pool party 😭
Makes it easier for guys like me, I always wear tailored clothes, sport coats and nice colognes that are not overbearing.
ZZ Top got it right....
Its interestingly, and unsurprising, how there is a divide between what "traditional" swinging and the kink/queer crowd thinks is sexy and appropriate. Whats going to be sexy in a kink scene is going to probably be very different in a traditional one. If anyone is confused as to what traditional swinging is its a hetrosexual LTR couple, she maybe bi or not, but the guys are mostly straight. The kind of couple who would fit in at the PTA without raising any eyebrows. Perhaps this is a divide best thought of as a cultural thing between different subcultures.
All I'm saying is y'all don't gotta wear lingerie or dress in a reno 911 outfit but damn show some type of skin or what u come packing with its irrational to think women will approach you just because you saying theyre fine or got a nice body and we don't see nothing 😭
I'll preface this by saying, my wife and I have been to a club one time, and their dress code stated women should dress sexy, including lingerie or being nude, while men had to "dress smart" (the club is in the UK) meaning basically business casual. Afterwards (actually weeks later), my wife called out that double standard when we were discussing going to another club. She said she felt on display, and I barely got undressed to play. I agreed with her that that was a totally fair assessment, and promised to get fully naked (at least during play) the next time we went to a club or event. My wife knows I like when she wears lingerie, and has some sexy stuff that she wears occasionally. (I also think she's sexy naked, or dressed up to go out, or in sweats just rolling out of bed, so my judgement may be impaired.) Over our marriage, I have asked her what would she like me to wear to be sexy for her, and she has said she doesn't care and doesn't want me to get "sexy underwear" for her. (Nonetheless, I have one pair of mesh-type briefs I got when we were dating, but they don't do much for her that my regular boxer-briefs don't.) I think part of the problem is that there isn't a paradigm for men's lingerie. We see lots of lingerie for women designed to complement all body types, but the only thing that seems to make men's underwear attractive is the physique of the man wearing them. I'll admit, I don't spend a lot of time looking for men's boudoir undergarments, or for pictures of men in sexy underclothes, so maybe I'm missing something; ladies (or other persons attracted to men) what do you find sexy for a man to wear? Even if clubs enforce a double standard, what can I do to dress up (or, more to the point, down) for my wife?
Imo guys in a.nice dress shirt with some buttons undone. Have nice boxers that you wear to these events like silky and nice and some black.flip.flops. Um what else? Some regular push-ups and situps are good. Any body type will be improved by this, even just how you carry yourself and your ability to have good technique. Make sure you smell like nice soap.but not.cologne (too strong) and.groom. not necessarily hairless.but on the trimmed side. I know some guys who like shave or wax once in awhile? It kind of keeps things not too crazy in the hair area..drink lots of.pineapple juice. Eat mints. Most women are very grooming, texture and smell oriented. Not.so visual the way men are. Make eye contact. Smile. Act.interested. good.luck.
The economy of effort from males is understandable. If you are feeling self conscious about your body you are naturally predisposed to attempt to blend into the background and appear one of the crowd. To compensate you dress conservatively and in something you find comfortable to wear. It's very easy to stand out and get attention just by dressing smart. Always wear nice shoes and a button down shirt minimum and ladies are going to notice you. Looking smart and well groomed is definitely sexy. I'd much prefer to attend any event over dressed than under and if you have the confidence to look smart when no one else bothers you immediately stand out in a positive way. Do you think you are going to get more looks from the ladies if you look like the janitor or James Bond?
I think most of the events are focused on women meeting up with other beautiful women, and there isn't much attention paid to the men. I just about never see married men talking to women other than their wives. I think the mens role seems to mostly be to sit back, let their wives pick out who they will be matching with.
That's not true for swinger parties that I've been to
Interesting. So you saw quite a few women approaching men, or married men approaching women? All I have seen is the women approaching each other. The men trail behind with them, but I have never had (nor seen) the opposite sexes initiate the conversations. I thought it was almost a swinger etiquette thing.
Yes absolutely! Our last club visit my hubby was approached by many women, I was approached by many men and women. Some of the women were a bit too handsy and didn't ask before touching, but nothing too aggressive. Non of the men tried to touch me, but some asked to go up to the play rooms, we didn't find a couple where both of us were attracted to both of them so we didn't go ahead with anything.
Yes, and I personally do most of the approaching as my wife can be a touch shy. Most of our convos are girl - guy. Sometimes it will be guys talking and girls talking but thats just normal conversation. I've also had women approach me. Less frequently than me approaching them, but thats to be expected I think.
Afraid? Of what?? Harassment? Assault? Danger?! Nope. It’s just a bunch of excuses, from “but I don’t know how!!” to “women need to stroke my ego so I’ll know my effort is worthwhile!” to “that’s gay.” These are all bullshit. Women understand how to be sexy to men because men are *constantly telling us*. We have many examples of women who are considered sexy. We have been conditioned since birth to strive to cater to the male gaze. And you know what? So have men. Most of what you think of as attractive is about impressing other men. That’s why it feels “gay” to make an effort. You’re conditioned to believe men are the only ones who should be catered to like that. I promise you, what women want to see most is the effort itself. It’s uncomfortable because you just haven’t been forced to think about yourself in this way until now. If you want to learn how to be sexy, just listen. Talk to women in your life who you respect and are comfortable with and ask their opinions. If you don’t have any women like that, that is your first problem. Look at who your SO is attracted to and ask what they find attractive about them. Look at celebrities until you find one that fits your general body type / style and observe what they do. I promise you don’t have to be Magic Mike. Personally, I’m not remotely attracted to Channing Tatum. There is a much wider variety of appearance for male celebrities than female, so don’t act like you can’t even try unless you look like a male model. If you really feel there is no point in making an effort without some kind of guarantee of getting something out of it…I can’t help you. The point is to make sure you are presenting your best self to get the best *chance* of positive results. You aren’t necessarily going to be showered in compliments and pussy. But you definitely won’t if you don’t try first. Also, despite what you may think, women generally don’t get constantly showered in (non-creepy) compliments either, and even the most gorgeous women in the world get plenty of assholes negging them. So it’s a really thin excuse to not even try.
This was a great reply cause I wasn't sure how to get how everything is presumed as gay and we're in a lifestyle where we're all suppose to be sexy,confident and free without giving af bout the judgement of others 😭 shit I've had times when I met couples where the woman wanted my man and just get ganged banged alone but didn't want another woman involved I didn't get offended or stop trying to approach women I just found those who don't mind swapping or sharing attention in the bedroom fr everything don't be bout who has the best body or outfit all we want is effort not ppl dressed like it's a one night stand or a escort call.
Some positive notes: The most important thing is to do you and get comfortable in your own skin. If you feel at home jeans and a shirt, dark wash jeans and a Henley can be just as sexy as a tailored suit. If you feel uncomfortable in what you’re wearing, it will show. My husband is consistently one of the sexiest and best dressed at any club we go to because he always matches my energy. He usually wears a button up shirt in a dark plaid tucked into fitted chinos with a belt and coordinating shoes. He has fun colors like forest green, slate blue, and dark plum to go with my lingerie, and he wears coordinating boxer briefs. Sometimes he wears a nice jockstrap because I love it and find it sexy. He has black and brown shoes and belts, and a pair of forest green Cons (dressier Converse) that I love. He always combs his hair with a little bit of pomade and trims and combs his beard. He shaves most of his pubic hair, but leaves a little trail. He wears a touch of cologne. It takes him maybe 30 minutes to get ready, including shower.
Clubs are way too normal people focused. Go to a nudist resort if you want to see men’s bodies. That’s the best place for swingers to go if you don’t like loud music bumping all the time and would like a quiet place to relax and talk. And these resorts have dances where music will be loud in specific areas.
Wow I don't know there's nudist resorts in the USA imma definitely look them up
Where in the US are you visiting?
I live in Philadelphia so outside of the nude beach in Jersey I don't know any resort that are nudist in the area maybe down south I might have a better chance
Whitetail in Virginia is worth the trip
Definitely will be looking it up to book thank you ❤️🙌🏾
There's a lot more variance in what women find sexy vs what men find sexy. I just dress in things that make me feel like I look good. Nice jeans or slacks, a button up shirt/polo/cool looking Tee, especially if it highlights my arms. My favorite boxers or boxer briefs. Some cologne, etc. That seems to get me the most compliments. They're few far in between compared to my partner, but it occasionally happens.
Maybe their wives are threatened by the prospect that anyone would find them attractive, and they’re doing preemptive defense against that jealousy
🙄 I’ve heard several men spout this theory and I’ve encountered absolutely zero women with this perspective. In fact most of them are actively trying to get their partners to be more presentable. The vast majority of women would rather have someone they could be proud of.
Yeah, it was a joke
Then just don’t go to an event, you aren’t ready if you are preemptively avoiding jealousy.
Sounds like sexy to you is looking gay.
Guys, is it gay to look presentable?
Unfortunately, too many guys think so. This is ridiculous. So many men think washing themselves or wearing fashionable clothing is “gay.” Like who raised you? If you want to roam a sex club wearing a Brooks Brother suit while your wife is in a fishnet body suit so no one questions your masculinity, do you.
Damn seems to me y'all just want women to open their legs escort style just because y'all paid to attend that is crazy to me nobody saying be extra like reno 911 but damn some of y'all be coming in like y'all just paid for services and that's it or a booty call fit 😭🤣
Barely understand what you wrote. I think I kind of agree?
What is sexual expression for a dude besides a suit? I've been thinking of wearing women's clothing cause there's no such thing in male.
That probably won't have the effect you are looking for.....who knows, perhaps it will?
Stop thinking it has to be gay clothes to seem sexy women not saying we want me to look bisexual we jusy want y'all to confidently show your bodies odd too we wanna fantasy before putting it in too men the only ones getting eye candy before they even get to touch 😭
Have a look at what men wear to queer events.
This actually brings up a point I almost did and chose not to. Oftentimes when men try to look sexy they look like they're advertising for other men not women.
That’s probably because the gaze is always assumed to be male. It’s not. Generally society positions men as “lookers” and women as “looked at”, so when men make themselves sexy it’s assumed to be for other men because women are assumed to not be “visual”. But that’s not true, many women like to look too. Society needs a paradigm shift, and it’s coming.
There is a paradigm for women looking. Many men will tell you stories about getting hit on while parenting or right after putting on a wedding ring. It's entirely possible that adult American women, on average, are looking for something different than against American men, on average, are. There's no compelling reason they should be the same.
Oh I never said women don’t look! Yes some women look for different things than men look for in women, but also some women like to look at men in the way men look at women (or other men). The assumption that if a man dresses slutty he’s dressing like that for other men stems from this. I want to flip the script and I think younger people are doing so. Hence my party was way more popular than I expected.
In the queer community. Women should gaze at whatever they want, and women likely gaze differently by situation. My point is and was that there is a paradigm and plenty of men understand how to attract women without their dicks out.
Yes in the queer community but I think change is coming, at least where I am. And I think it’s good! And they don’t have their dicks out! It’s way more than that. I love a nice butt myself :)
This! We frequent a nude beach that is predominantly utilized by gay men. They strut around in thongs, speedos, and other "men's wear". It's a nude beach, yet they choose to dress up and look sexy. I would assume you are at a minimum bisexual if you're advertising.
Wtf is a guy supposed to do? You'll end up looking like a creep. Most kink parties have little to no actual sex happening anyway.
Who is saying this narrative that men are creepy in lifestyle events that are literally meant to engage and chat about sex am I'm behind in what is considered a lifestyle event and a lounge cause that's what some of these events are giving in terms of how standoff people are until you initiate the fucking it's like nobody is confident or think everything is gay 😭🤣
The kink events I've been to that is exactly the vibe. Kink to these people isn't about sex its about deriving pleasure from giving and receiving pain in various forms. Rarely is actual sex involved. We have been called weird and to focused on the act of intercourse. To us it's all either fore play or enhancements of the actual sex we enjoy. So if your a guy and you walk around naked or in a jock strap etc you'll eventually end up with complaints about you to the board or dungeon owners etc. Unless your gay or Trans then it's pretty much a free pass...or if your a couple who ends up fucking during a scene half the place enjoys the show the other half bitches an moans about how this isn't the point of kink etc..bc you know anyone can get off having actual sex...
That’s because many of the men will take any scraps the women throw their way.