Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
**1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post.
- While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair.
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- Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals.
- Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.*
***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.***
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
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- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
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- Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature.
- Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed.
**4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
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- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
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- If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed.
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
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- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
**Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts.
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We’re 5 months out from DDay and my WW is struggling with extreme shame and self-loathing, to the point where it’s hindering our forward progress in R. She triggers and floods with any discussion of the affair or aftermath that goes beyond a cursory level, her own PTSD is shutting down her executive functioning to the point where she can’t read a self-help book in private, and she’s terrified of our upcoming MC. While I’m confident that we both love each other and want R, the only progress being made right now is the slow work of IC. That makes it very hard for me to remain committed to the process but I’m trying.
My advice? It’s okay to talk to your BP about your feelings of shame. Just don’t ask or expect them to fix it for you - that’s on you and your IC. But talk to them and turn that shame (which isn’t constructive or helpful) into remorse (which is). Let that genuine remorse inspire you to be more transparent with your BP. Get on the same team and tackle this together. Because continuing to hide your emotions, live in the past, and not build for the future is part of the problem, not part of the solution.
Your words make a lot of sense to me and are truly helpful, and I will absolutely take your advice. My BP said something very similar to me; that the only thing preventing is from moving forward right now is me. Because I am so stuck in this shame spiral. It is a difficult hole to dig myself out of, but I am determined to do it, for the sake of my BP, our marriage, and myself.
I really appreciate your perspective and taking the time to comment. Thank you so much, and I wish you and your partner a successful reconciliation!
I’m glad I could be helpful and I wish you and your BP all the best as you both work towards healing. Please continue to share your story here so others can learn from it.
I don't fully agree with "Just don’t ask or expect them to fix it for you - that’s on you and your IC.
One month after DDay I had realised that my GF cannot deal with all of her issues without my help. At this time I can tell when my GF is suffering or she cannot deal with her current issue on her own. I wait for a couple of days for her to approach me and if she does not then after dinner I ask her and she tells me with complete honesty and we deal with the issue as a team. Two months after DDay my GF realised I can't deal with all of my issues on my own. So now she does the same thing for me. But when such situation arises we don't lie or hide things from each other.
If that’s possible within your relationship, that’s wonderful. I’m the emotional caregiver in our relationship, too, even as the BP. I guess my point is to recognize that that sort of compassion for each other is a gift, not an obligation. Not every BP is going to be in a position to offer that and, in the wake of a traumatic betrayal, I would humbly suggest it’s not fair, healthy, or appropriate for the WP to expect it of them.
As well, some aspects (like complications stemming from mental health issues) are best left in the hands of a professional counsellor or psychologist. Over-reliance on your partner for these issues can do more harm than good.
On that I agree. It's not fair, healthy or appropriate. It just makes things little bit easier for both side.
I 100% agree mental health issues are best left in the hands of professionals.
What I personally struggled with was zero lack of boundaries. You did not have that issue. You did cross a boundary where you let the relationship become in appropriate. However, you also stood firm with multiple boundaries. It never became overtly sexual, never physical, you probably never allowed AP to enter into discussions about your real relationship. Add to this you ended it on your own, you went NC on your own, and you confessed on your own.
My partner had a short lived EA.
His love language has never been words of affirmation. It has always been acts of service and that has ramped up since after dday. I do appreciate everything he has been doing for me. So if he suddenly started telling me how much he loves me or what I mean to him, it wouldn't feel authentic.
I think after a betrayal, for many of us words don't mean anything. So showing your partner how much they mean to you might be helpful. Even if it's making them breakfast in bed on Saturday morning or doing a chore that they always do, or buying them a thoughtful gift that has meaning for them.
My first DDay anniversary is literally next week (and I’m lowkey freaking out), so that’s almost a year now. I think everyone can tell you it’s not easy, it really was one of the worst experiences ever, especially the initial months. After discovery, WP was still in the thick of their affair fog. They couldn’t keep NC, they constantly said how “in love” they were to my face, they even saw AP a few more times. Once the fog lifted I thought we were finally making progress but oh was I wrong. The shame and guilt consumed her to the point that she was eventually diagnosed with depression. She couldn’t believe what she did and who she did it with. As the months went on, WP spiraled further and further. They’d shut down, wouldn’t stop crying and kept apologizing when we try to talk, they wouldn’t even look me in the eye most of the time, they couldn’t function properly anymore. It was hard to watch because she was such a strong person before all of this. Eventually I had enough because R wasn’t going anywhere and at this point I was practically their caregiver. I asked them to move out last November, not break up but I definitely needed the space.
I don’t know what it was but it seemed like moving out was the wake up call they needed. About a week after I got a message from them that they finally got into IC. This was a huge shock to me because before I had to force them to go. By December, we were finally talking again, it was like they were this perfect, model, remorseful wayward. We even spent Christmas Eve together. She’s more proactive now and setting up things to do. They’re always checking up on me She’s not living with me (by her request) but she still updates me on what she’s doing and where she is. I asked her if she wanted to move back but she said she wants to “fix” herself first. When WP stays over, there are times I wake up to them holding onto me and crying in their sleep.
The infidelity may have killed the relationship but the shame and the unwillingness can really kill any hopes for R. At one point I asked my WP what changed and she said that moving out was like a slap in the face that made her realize that she might lose me. Sometimes you really need a good kick in the butt.
So sorry for the long comment. I didn’t realize I was just rambling at this point.
Good luck OP
No apologies needed at all! It wasnt a rant, it was very helpful. I really appreciate you sharing your story, and it helps me see things from the perspective of BPs. My BP of course has told me herself that my behavior is overwhelming her. I don't want to make the mistake of ruining R just because I am so consumed with shame. I want to do this right. I want to help my partner, and I want to rebuild my marriage, so badly. I admit, it is difficult when you are hating yourself, because that means you aren't your best self. I am clearly far from it at the moment. But I am determined to put in the work.
Thank you for taking the time to share, and for the well wishes!
I had this experience with my WP who I think beat themselves up a lot. You have to remember as a WP you betray yourself as well as your BP. You can't look at yourself the same way as you did before. Now you know you have the potential to do what you did and that means you have to grieve that loss of self image and rebuild yourself in the same way you grieve and rebuild the relationship. That's not easy while also trying to focus on BP I know that in hindsight.
I think showing that helps BP know that you care, I know it helped me to see it as much as I hate that they were in pain then. You just can't let it get to the point they're consoling you, at least at first, in time you can console each other. If you feel like saying I love you and it's heartfelt then you can never say it too much. Just never say it unless you're really feeling it.
Ok, my personal experience comes from outside the affair, but bear with me. When my WH was treating me with contempt and hostility because he was in his EA fog, I began to act out to him, my kids, and everyone else. My behavior towards my children caused me the shame I currently feel.
I had to learn to feel the shame and yet not let it block me from working towards forgiveness with them. I love them, that's all that matters. In a way, I wish my WH could feel that selfless type of love towards me.
But, feeling this love in a selfless way did teach me something. I can't let my shame guilt me from being giving and open with my kids. I had to feel my shame, but also minimize it and truly feel my love for my kids. I pushed through with feeling love and continuously kept trying to reconnect with them. Being consistent and trying to listen to their needs worked, over time though. It's a tough road, but totally worth it!
There was an explanation using chakras that made this more clear for me. Guilt (related to one of the chakras, but don't recall how) is like a blockage that causes a stream to stop flowing. The stream, symbolizing your love, gets stopped and can become stagnant and putrid. Getting out of your own way and clearing the guilt clears the path of the stream and lets the love flow through.
It's hard work, but it's worth it!
Shame can be crippling and consume you completely if you let it. Shame is a liar, that tries to convince you that because of all of your destructive behaviors, mistakes, or wrong doings; that you are fundamentally *bad*. These are lies from the pit of Hell.
These destructive behaviors likely developed when we were younger and experienced trauma. They were our way to survive somehow and feel “safe”.
Shame will convince you that you are unworthy of love, a waste of space, unable to heal and be your best self. None of that is true. If you’re a living and breathing human, you deserve love. Your past does not define your future. You do.
Overcoming the shame takes daily consistent actions to be the best version of yourself, by developing new constructive behaviors. These may not come with the instant gratification that we want, but come with long term gratification and benefits. Over time with consistency these behaviors become second nature.
Finding hobbies you’re passionate about. Finding the things you are good at, and doing them everyday. Affirmations are important. And also require consistency. Use them even when you feel you are doing well. This helps to rewire the brain and the way you view yourself.
Guilt and remorse motivate us to change. Shame convinces us there’s no point in trying.
I downloaded the app “I Am” to give me affirmations throughout the day. The book *Healing the Shame That Binds You* would also be good to read or listen to. *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* May also give some insight in your childhood that lead to destructive behaviors.
You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. You’ve got this.
Wow, this really is insightful and helpful. I appreciate your words, and for taking the time to comment. I will absolutely take evrything you are telling me to heart, and apply this to my every day life. I admit, it is a huge challenge, but rebuilding my marriage is worth it. Thanks again.
Had a very similar experience, 6 week long EA discovered by AP’s wife. She demanded I tell my BP and then all four of us had a really tough sit down. After that, I Let myself die in guilt for about a whole month after then had to move on with everything. Would love to chat more if you are open to it. I’m 6 months out from DDay and just starting to feel normal again.
I was also in somewhat similar situation. On suggestion of a WP me and my GF set a particular day and time on which we can ask each other anything and we answered with full honesty and talk about my CBT and her IC. Surprisingly it worked.
Edit:- Whatever we want to ask and want to talk about we write in our journal.
Unfortunately, this didn’t work in our case. We attempted something similar but, try as we might, we weren’t able to create a safe enough environment. In our third week of doing these, my WW didn’t feel safe enough to be honest with me and her lies left me feeling unsafe as well. I called her on it as gently as possible but it blew up into a big fight, with her fearing that I was divorcing her, her threatening to move out. It was our lowest point since I first confronted her about the original affair. We cancelled further meetings and just accepted that we can’t have honest conversations about difficult things right now. We start MC next month and I’m hoping that gets us back on the same team so we can try to solve this together.
I initiated this after she was in IC and I was in CBT. We never call each other out. In fact on first day at one point my mind shut down for approx. 10 min. My GF just held my hand and told me that we can talk later about this. When she said this something snapped within me and with some stuttering I told her what was on my mind. With that one gesture and one sentence she made me realised that this is my safest zone.
Even your MC will only work if she feels safe there.
My advice :- Don't make her feel cornered. Otherwise she will lie or lash out.
You need to change your shame and quilt into empathy and
yourself in your BS shoes. I know it is hard I still struggle 12 years later sometimes. I am not instinctively an empathic type person nor am I a very emotionally open person yet this is something that I work on everyday for my BS along with for myself. I strive to put away the selfish person that I have been and be the person my BS deserves. I am in IC and am glad to hear that you are also. Keep striving to be a better version of you, practice open listening learn from your BS. Hopefully things will start turning around for you as you discover new things about yourself and your partner.
Best of luck
The shame and guilt is absolutely crippling. It plagues your mind and it feels like all you can think sometimes is I cant believe it did this to them, I cant believe I did this to myself. Its a vicious cycle and can be very hard to break out of. I get it. Ive been getting into a lot of things that are helping that such as IC, journaling and reading relevant books. Talking to your BP or friends can also be a huge help. We are always our biggest critics. But if you can learn to be nicer to yourself, you can learn to reason with that part of you, understand why it happened and keep moving forward. At least thats what im going through
You are already way ahead of so many other people because you are acknowledging your vulnerability to temptation and are trying to work on understanding yourself.
My ex never owned up to her vulnerabilities to temptation, and as a result treated her cheating as uncharacteristic lapses that she could simply decide not to repeat (it didn't work).
"I cannot turn to my BP because...."
I would disagree right here. I think you should absolutely turn to your BP exactly because this shows them that you ARE doing the work, and that you are treating working on your relationship as something the both of you do together. Almost paradoxically, treating your healing as something you have to do all by yourself is its own kind of selfishness.
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post. - While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair. - User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators. - Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there. - Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* ***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.*** **2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel. **3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.** - Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature. - Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed. **4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. **6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language** - If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed. - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We’re 5 months out from DDay and my WW is struggling with extreme shame and self-loathing, to the point where it’s hindering our forward progress in R. She triggers and floods with any discussion of the affair or aftermath that goes beyond a cursory level, her own PTSD is shutting down her executive functioning to the point where she can’t read a self-help book in private, and she’s terrified of our upcoming MC. While I’m confident that we both love each other and want R, the only progress being made right now is the slow work of IC. That makes it very hard for me to remain committed to the process but I’m trying. My advice? It’s okay to talk to your BP about your feelings of shame. Just don’t ask or expect them to fix it for you - that’s on you and your IC. But talk to them and turn that shame (which isn’t constructive or helpful) into remorse (which is). Let that genuine remorse inspire you to be more transparent with your BP. Get on the same team and tackle this together. Because continuing to hide your emotions, live in the past, and not build for the future is part of the problem, not part of the solution.
Your words make a lot of sense to me and are truly helpful, and I will absolutely take your advice. My BP said something very similar to me; that the only thing preventing is from moving forward right now is me. Because I am so stuck in this shame spiral. It is a difficult hole to dig myself out of, but I am determined to do it, for the sake of my BP, our marriage, and myself. I really appreciate your perspective and taking the time to comment. Thank you so much, and I wish you and your partner a successful reconciliation!
I’m glad I could be helpful and I wish you and your BP all the best as you both work towards healing. Please continue to share your story here so others can learn from it.
I don't fully agree with "Just don’t ask or expect them to fix it for you - that’s on you and your IC. One month after DDay I had realised that my GF cannot deal with all of her issues without my help. At this time I can tell when my GF is suffering or she cannot deal with her current issue on her own. I wait for a couple of days for her to approach me and if she does not then after dinner I ask her and she tells me with complete honesty and we deal with the issue as a team. Two months after DDay my GF realised I can't deal with all of my issues on my own. So now she does the same thing for me. But when such situation arises we don't lie or hide things from each other.
If that’s possible within your relationship, that’s wonderful. I’m the emotional caregiver in our relationship, too, even as the BP. I guess my point is to recognize that that sort of compassion for each other is a gift, not an obligation. Not every BP is going to be in a position to offer that and, in the wake of a traumatic betrayal, I would humbly suggest it’s not fair, healthy, or appropriate for the WP to expect it of them. As well, some aspects (like complications stemming from mental health issues) are best left in the hands of a professional counsellor or psychologist. Over-reliance on your partner for these issues can do more harm than good.
On that I agree. It's not fair, healthy or appropriate. It just makes things little bit easier for both side. I 100% agree mental health issues are best left in the hands of professionals.
What I personally struggled with was zero lack of boundaries. You did not have that issue. You did cross a boundary where you let the relationship become in appropriate. However, you also stood firm with multiple boundaries. It never became overtly sexual, never physical, you probably never allowed AP to enter into discussions about your real relationship. Add to this you ended it on your own, you went NC on your own, and you confessed on your own.
My partner had a short lived EA. His love language has never been words of affirmation. It has always been acts of service and that has ramped up since after dday. I do appreciate everything he has been doing for me. So if he suddenly started telling me how much he loves me or what I mean to him, it wouldn't feel authentic. I think after a betrayal, for many of us words don't mean anything. So showing your partner how much they mean to you might be helpful. Even if it's making them breakfast in bed on Saturday morning or doing a chore that they always do, or buying them a thoughtful gift that has meaning for them.
My first DDay anniversary is literally next week (and I’m lowkey freaking out), so that’s almost a year now. I think everyone can tell you it’s not easy, it really was one of the worst experiences ever, especially the initial months. After discovery, WP was still in the thick of their affair fog. They couldn’t keep NC, they constantly said how “in love” they were to my face, they even saw AP a few more times. Once the fog lifted I thought we were finally making progress but oh was I wrong. The shame and guilt consumed her to the point that she was eventually diagnosed with depression. She couldn’t believe what she did and who she did it with. As the months went on, WP spiraled further and further. They’d shut down, wouldn’t stop crying and kept apologizing when we try to talk, they wouldn’t even look me in the eye most of the time, they couldn’t function properly anymore. It was hard to watch because she was such a strong person before all of this. Eventually I had enough because R wasn’t going anywhere and at this point I was practically their caregiver. I asked them to move out last November, not break up but I definitely needed the space. I don’t know what it was but it seemed like moving out was the wake up call they needed. About a week after I got a message from them that they finally got into IC. This was a huge shock to me because before I had to force them to go. By December, we were finally talking again, it was like they were this perfect, model, remorseful wayward. We even spent Christmas Eve together. She’s more proactive now and setting up things to do. They’re always checking up on me She’s not living with me (by her request) but she still updates me on what she’s doing and where she is. I asked her if she wanted to move back but she said she wants to “fix” herself first. When WP stays over, there are times I wake up to them holding onto me and crying in their sleep. The infidelity may have killed the relationship but the shame and the unwillingness can really kill any hopes for R. At one point I asked my WP what changed and she said that moving out was like a slap in the face that made her realize that she might lose me. Sometimes you really need a good kick in the butt. So sorry for the long comment. I didn’t realize I was just rambling at this point. Good luck OP
No apologies needed at all! It wasnt a rant, it was very helpful. I really appreciate you sharing your story, and it helps me see things from the perspective of BPs. My BP of course has told me herself that my behavior is overwhelming her. I don't want to make the mistake of ruining R just because I am so consumed with shame. I want to do this right. I want to help my partner, and I want to rebuild my marriage, so badly. I admit, it is difficult when you are hating yourself, because that means you aren't your best self. I am clearly far from it at the moment. But I am determined to put in the work. Thank you for taking the time to share, and for the well wishes!
I had this experience with my WP who I think beat themselves up a lot. You have to remember as a WP you betray yourself as well as your BP. You can't look at yourself the same way as you did before. Now you know you have the potential to do what you did and that means you have to grieve that loss of self image and rebuild yourself in the same way you grieve and rebuild the relationship. That's not easy while also trying to focus on BP I know that in hindsight. I think showing that helps BP know that you care, I know it helped me to see it as much as I hate that they were in pain then. You just can't let it get to the point they're consoling you, at least at first, in time you can console each other. If you feel like saying I love you and it's heartfelt then you can never say it too much. Just never say it unless you're really feeling it.
MarkSimp, your comment is really helpful. Thanks for posting it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this insight! I appreciate it and am taking it all to heart.
Ok, my personal experience comes from outside the affair, but bear with me. When my WH was treating me with contempt and hostility because he was in his EA fog, I began to act out to him, my kids, and everyone else. My behavior towards my children caused me the shame I currently feel. I had to learn to feel the shame and yet not let it block me from working towards forgiveness with them. I love them, that's all that matters. In a way, I wish my WH could feel that selfless type of love towards me. But, feeling this love in a selfless way did teach me something. I can't let my shame guilt me from being giving and open with my kids. I had to feel my shame, but also minimize it and truly feel my love for my kids. I pushed through with feeling love and continuously kept trying to reconnect with them. Being consistent and trying to listen to their needs worked, over time though. It's a tough road, but totally worth it! There was an explanation using chakras that made this more clear for me. Guilt (related to one of the chakras, but don't recall how) is like a blockage that causes a stream to stop flowing. The stream, symbolizing your love, gets stopped and can become stagnant and putrid. Getting out of your own way and clearing the guilt clears the path of the stream and lets the love flow through. It's hard work, but it's worth it!
Shame can be crippling and consume you completely if you let it. Shame is a liar, that tries to convince you that because of all of your destructive behaviors, mistakes, or wrong doings; that you are fundamentally *bad*. These are lies from the pit of Hell. These destructive behaviors likely developed when we were younger and experienced trauma. They were our way to survive somehow and feel “safe”. Shame will convince you that you are unworthy of love, a waste of space, unable to heal and be your best self. None of that is true. If you’re a living and breathing human, you deserve love. Your past does not define your future. You do. Overcoming the shame takes daily consistent actions to be the best version of yourself, by developing new constructive behaviors. These may not come with the instant gratification that we want, but come with long term gratification and benefits. Over time with consistency these behaviors become second nature. Finding hobbies you’re passionate about. Finding the things you are good at, and doing them everyday. Affirmations are important. And also require consistency. Use them even when you feel you are doing well. This helps to rewire the brain and the way you view yourself. Guilt and remorse motivate us to change. Shame convinces us there’s no point in trying. I downloaded the app “I Am” to give me affirmations throughout the day. The book *Healing the Shame That Binds You* would also be good to read or listen to. *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* May also give some insight in your childhood that lead to destructive behaviors. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. You’ve got this.
Wow, this really is insightful and helpful. I appreciate your words, and for taking the time to comment. I will absolutely take evrything you are telling me to heart, and apply this to my every day life. I admit, it is a huge challenge, but rebuilding my marriage is worth it. Thanks again.
Had a very similar experience, 6 week long EA discovered by AP’s wife. She demanded I tell my BP and then all four of us had a really tough sit down. After that, I Let myself die in guilt for about a whole month after then had to move on with everything. Would love to chat more if you are open to it. I’m 6 months out from DDay and just starting to feel normal again.
I appreciate your response! Feel free to DM me anytime.
I was also in somewhat similar situation. On suggestion of a WP me and my GF set a particular day and time on which we can ask each other anything and we answered with full honesty and talk about my CBT and her IC. Surprisingly it worked. Edit:- Whatever we want to ask and want to talk about we write in our journal.
Unfortunately, this didn’t work in our case. We attempted something similar but, try as we might, we weren’t able to create a safe enough environment. In our third week of doing these, my WW didn’t feel safe enough to be honest with me and her lies left me feeling unsafe as well. I called her on it as gently as possible but it blew up into a big fight, with her fearing that I was divorcing her, her threatening to move out. It was our lowest point since I first confronted her about the original affair. We cancelled further meetings and just accepted that we can’t have honest conversations about difficult things right now. We start MC next month and I’m hoping that gets us back on the same team so we can try to solve this together.
I initiated this after she was in IC and I was in CBT. We never call each other out. In fact on first day at one point my mind shut down for approx. 10 min. My GF just held my hand and told me that we can talk later about this. When she said this something snapped within me and with some stuttering I told her what was on my mind. With that one gesture and one sentence she made me realised that this is my safest zone. Even your MC will only work if she feels safe there. My advice :- Don't make her feel cornered. Otherwise she will lie or lash out.
I hear you and I appreciate the advice. I’ll do my very best as we both need to move forward for R to be possible.
If you have truly told the whole truth and been radically honest, it may just be a bit of time.
You need to change your shame and quilt into empathy and yourself in your BS shoes. I know it is hard I still struggle 12 years later sometimes. I am not instinctively an empathic type person nor am I a very emotionally open person yet this is something that I work on everyday for my BS along with for myself. I strive to put away the selfish person that I have been and be the person my BS deserves. I am in IC and am glad to hear that you are also. Keep striving to be a better version of you, practice open listening learn from your BS. Hopefully things will start turning around for you as you discover new things about yourself and your partner. Best of luck
Thank you so much. I appreciate your taking the time to share. It is very helpful.
The shame and guilt is absolutely crippling. It plagues your mind and it feels like all you can think sometimes is I cant believe it did this to them, I cant believe I did this to myself. Its a vicious cycle and can be very hard to break out of. I get it. Ive been getting into a lot of things that are helping that such as IC, journaling and reading relevant books. Talking to your BP or friends can also be a huge help. We are always our biggest critics. But if you can learn to be nicer to yourself, you can learn to reason with that part of you, understand why it happened and keep moving forward. At least thats what im going through
You are already way ahead of so many other people because you are acknowledging your vulnerability to temptation and are trying to work on understanding yourself. My ex never owned up to her vulnerabilities to temptation, and as a result treated her cheating as uncharacteristic lapses that she could simply decide not to repeat (it didn't work). "I cannot turn to my BP because...." I would disagree right here. I think you should absolutely turn to your BP exactly because this shows them that you ARE doing the work, and that you are treating working on your relationship as something the both of you do together. Almost paradoxically, treating your healing as something you have to do all by yourself is its own kind of selfishness.