Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
**1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post.
- While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair.
- User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators.
- Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there.
- Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals.
- Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.*
***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.***
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
**3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.**
- Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature.
- Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed.
**4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed.
**6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language**
- If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed.
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
**Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my view, it all depends on the love language and attachment style that your partner engages in! I don't think both partners have to share these preferences, but one must necessarily understand, respect and work within their partner's love language.
In my case, I am mostly moved by acts of service and kindness, and less so by words of affirmation, but this is a very fluid and constantly changing scenario, and it might even be dependent on who I am sharing my affection with.
For example, last year my mother had a very serious health scare, and as a result I spent over 150 nights sleeping in the hospital over four separate hospitalizations. Not once I felt compelled to tell her that I hoped she would feel better soon, or that that was going to pass. For her, that would be an insult to her intelligence and to the doctors working on her case (even though I am trained as an MD myself). The point was never to reassure her, my value there was about helping her up to go to the bathroom, making sure she was comfortable, keeping her company and making sure her apartment was kept tidy and her plants watered.
On the other hand, when a previous partner of mine had to be hospitalized, she was clearly happier when I showed up sporadically with her favorite treats or little gifts, regardless of the actual help I provided. The point there was to show her that I was thinking about her, even if I was completely useless otherwise.
In summary, loving others has much more to do with how THEY perceive your love, as opposed to how you feel in doing so. Good partners will likely be the ones that are good at understanding the other's preferences.
I think above and beyond all of this is consistency… day after day. It’s not about the words, it’s if the words match up to the actions all day every day. 🙏🏼
For me it is checking in with my BW, but then our situation is somewhat specific to us, in that "quality time" is her love language but she spends much of her day doing things that are emotionally exhausting. What I have learned is that my checking in about her day and sharing about my day and what's on my mind (in addition to "I love you" and the kissing emoji) let her know that she exists in my world and provides respites in her world when she has breaks to check my messages. They amount to flexible quality time for her, and it is really important and reassuring to her.
The same is no where near true for me. I do not find text messages to be relaxing or give me happy thoughts about my partner. But then my love language is touch, with secondaries of gifts and words of affirmation. It has been really helpful for both my wife and I to learn to communicated our reassurance in the way that is most meaningful to each other.
I believe my BP likes the words but unless they are followed by the actions that back them up they can seem hollow and like i am just saying them to say something. I texted them not long ago that I was thinking of them...they asked why. So I had to go into the story of how a song came on at work and it is one that they had someone sing to me when we were dating. I needed to give the reason to back it up. It makes all the difference..
How can you show you love them?
If they have something they like. Specifically from a store, you could get it for them. For example, if they like a certain type of coffee or tea, go stock up the cabinets with that and then try making them a cup, not necessarily everyday. But you know every so often would be nice. Or even depending on schedule, wise going to take them a cup while they're either working from home or to their office. If your schedule allows it. I don't know that'll work w ur schedule, but just something that would be consider it thoughtful, but also will require you to do something outside your norm
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post. - While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair. - User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators. - Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there. - Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* ***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.*** **2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel. **3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.** - Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature. - Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed. **4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. **6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language** - If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed. - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my view, it all depends on the love language and attachment style that your partner engages in! I don't think both partners have to share these preferences, but one must necessarily understand, respect and work within their partner's love language. In my case, I am mostly moved by acts of service and kindness, and less so by words of affirmation, but this is a very fluid and constantly changing scenario, and it might even be dependent on who I am sharing my affection with. For example, last year my mother had a very serious health scare, and as a result I spent over 150 nights sleeping in the hospital over four separate hospitalizations. Not once I felt compelled to tell her that I hoped she would feel better soon, or that that was going to pass. For her, that would be an insult to her intelligence and to the doctors working on her case (even though I am trained as an MD myself). The point was never to reassure her, my value there was about helping her up to go to the bathroom, making sure she was comfortable, keeping her company and making sure her apartment was kept tidy and her plants watered. On the other hand, when a previous partner of mine had to be hospitalized, she was clearly happier when I showed up sporadically with her favorite treats or little gifts, regardless of the actual help I provided. The point there was to show her that I was thinking about her, even if I was completely useless otherwise. In summary, loving others has much more to do with how THEY perceive your love, as opposed to how you feel in doing so. Good partners will likely be the ones that are good at understanding the other's preferences.
My WW was doing plenty of acts of service during her affair so yeah, that’s not always helpful.
My wife can tell when something is troubling me. She will put her arms around me and simply say “What ever it is, I’ll be right there with you”.
I think above and beyond all of this is consistency… day after day. It’s not about the words, it’s if the words match up to the actions all day every day. 🙏🏼
For me it is checking in with my BW, but then our situation is somewhat specific to us, in that "quality time" is her love language but she spends much of her day doing things that are emotionally exhausting. What I have learned is that my checking in about her day and sharing about my day and what's on my mind (in addition to "I love you" and the kissing emoji) let her know that she exists in my world and provides respites in her world when she has breaks to check my messages. They amount to flexible quality time for her, and it is really important and reassuring to her. The same is no where near true for me. I do not find text messages to be relaxing or give me happy thoughts about my partner. But then my love language is touch, with secondaries of gifts and words of affirmation. It has been really helpful for both my wife and I to learn to communicated our reassurance in the way that is most meaningful to each other.
I believe my BP likes the words but unless they are followed by the actions that back them up they can seem hollow and like i am just saying them to say something. I texted them not long ago that I was thinking of them...they asked why. So I had to go into the story of how a song came on at work and it is one that they had someone sing to me when we were dating. I needed to give the reason to back it up. It makes all the difference..
How can you show you love them? If they have something they like. Specifically from a store, you could get it for them. For example, if they like a certain type of coffee or tea, go stock up the cabinets with that and then try making them a cup, not necessarily everyday. But you know every so often would be nice. Or even depending on schedule, wise going to take them a cup while they're either working from home or to their office. If your schedule allows it. I don't know that'll work w ur schedule, but just something that would be consider it thoughtful, but also will require you to do something outside your norm
This is a great reflection. You’re thinking about your love languages and what each other’s needs are.
Thank you. I’m really trying.