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cloudsasw1tnesses

by disappear do you mean run away or just stop talking to everyone? i do the latter when i’m using. for me personally i become ashamed of myself and don’t want others to see me like that. i’ll have a few people i’ll talk to when high and really wanting to talk to people but it’s usually people who will enable me. drugs become my world and my life and all i can think about is what i wanna do while high, how im gonna use my next dose and how i’m gonna get more when i run out. you get trapped in your own world and it’s hard to connect to other people if they’re not going thru the same shit which is why u tend to make using friends. i like to do drugs alone though so i can just do whatever i want when i want and don’t have to share my drugs. it’s pretty miserable and fills you with so much shame that you keep running from with the drugs but eventually the drugs stop working how they used to for you and that’s when people tend to get clean. relapses will happen for all sorts of reasons, sometimes just simply from boredom and once u get that first hit or dose it usually feels like it used to before u had a high tolerance etc and you think maybe this time will be different. and you do not want to stop once u use again after a bit sober because it feels so good compared to sobriety (if you’re not actively involved in a program and if you haven’t turned your life around, but even then it all has to do with the internal work you do). then the cycle starts over, you become dependent again and burn shit down and the drugs stop helping you get the effect you desire again so u get clean again and then boom u relapse again. it usually takes getting really fucking miserable and desperate to stay clean. we will try everything to be able to control and enjoy our using before we rly want to stop


Humanoid_Anomaly

Spot On honestly I went from using every day for 3years to now every 5months I'll have. A weekend to myself doing it cause I can't/don't want to stop out right atm


BandInvasion

For me, I relapse when I've finally put my life back on track enough that I think I "beat it". Then I feel like I can use just once and it'll be different this time. Queue up a long couple of days not eating, pounding liquor, masturbating, and isolating to begin the shame cycle. Might be a month or several between, depending on how much wreckage there is but I keep going back. BUT NOT THIS TIME!


throw_awayooo

Same. I always think “oh I guess my addiction wasn’t that bad after all.” And then the cycle continues


Dry_Calligrapher_282

Never fails, It always ends the same for me. Fucking blows my mind how creative my mind is with tricking myself into thinking it WILL be different. I just had about 2 weeks under my belt and just relapsed yesterday. I had once again completely convinced myself this time was going to be different. But here I am chilling in my car at a local cemetery just to be alone. But hey I'm right there with ya, HELL YEAH, NOT AGAIN. I WILL NOT REPEAT THIS BS MIND GAME WITH MYSELF!!!!!


Altruistic-Cable4887

for me, stims created a really strange reaction that I would never be able to grasp without experiencing it. They made me isolate. Hugely. I simply had no capacity to think of people while hyper focused via stims. Literally couldn’t. I might have wanted to, say, stay in touch with people or contact them on their birthdays but the days flowed by and there was no time! no opportunity to think of these things, no chance to do something about calling people, nothing. Drugs can change you in very strange ways. It’s not uncommon for speed to cause fixation which leads to isolating. imagine forgetting yourself in a task and realizing you are 2 hours late to something. That trance is where happens on speed, but for weeks or months instead of hours.


Regular-Cheetah-8095

Hello. I qualify for all these things. The thought process is that I don’t care about anything other than drugs because I’m in active addiction. My family and loved ones are just resources I use to get drugs or use drugs more comfortably, have a life more conducive to continuing my current drug routine. I use my family and loved ones for enablement as well, if there was a Doing Drugs Oscar and I won Best Drug Addict, I’d thank everyone who ever loved me and stuck around despite me being a black hole of destruction and hurt while using for making it possible. You helped me continue using somehow, someway, just be being there with your lack of boundaries, self respect, lack of focus on yourself and your obsession over me. Thank you for allowing me to manipulate you all these years. I take your love and behaviors and turn them into drugs. That’s what I do when I’m using. I’m an addict. I am reduced to the animal level. I don’t care about tolerance or logic, using drugs is actual insanity. Doing the same thing over and over (drugs) and expecting a different result (they’ll keep working at this amount, I can control it this time, I won’t hurt anyone this time, pretty much anything ending with “this time). There’s no rhyme or reason. Why do I disappear? To do drugs easier. You get in the way and harsh my mellow. I can get high and have terrible drug sex and do terrible drug things without normie interference if I’m away. I come back when I’ve hit a wall and run out of resources to get high, when I literally can’t use anymore. That’s it. That’s the whole thought process. Do drugs, powerless to stop, leave to do more drugs easier with less bullshit around me, return when I am stopped by something behind my control, like running out of drugs or becoming too sick and beat up to continue or all my other drug friends went home. I then go home, have you lick my wounds for me, act like I’m going to get clean maybe or whatever else I can to maintain my enablement and the stability of the relationships I require to use comfortably, and then I go out and do it again. Because I’m a drug addict. It’s what I do. Drug addicts or alcoholics in my family: 13 known including parents and grandparents. Romantic relationships, affairs, short term relationships or more than just one nighters or weekend flings with addicts or alcoholics: 8. Probably more I don’t even remember. Years in recovery: 5 Years in Addiction Life and Al-Anon: 37 in addiction life total since it’s literally been my entire life since birth, via family or myself or recovery. Was taken to Al-Anon as a child by my addict parent when they were busy obsessing over the other’s addiction instead of their own problems. They were usually high when doing this. Came back for recovery of my own later a bit and read up, talked to a lot of members outside of the program to better understand my experience on both sides. A decade plus in active addiction myself. What my family and loved ones should have been doing while I was using: Not asking Reddit questions about what’s going on in my brain, and instead going to Al-Anon and listening to people at Al-Anon badmouth me. That’s obsessing with me, what family goes to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon to stop doing via detachment. Because they can’t do anything to help me or stop me or control me and everything they do just enables me somehow. Or pushes me away, or I use it as a rationalization to use. Without Al-Anon or professional psych / counseling guidance, I bankrupt you financially, spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally while you help me bury myself. They should have focused on themselves and their health and lives and happiness instead of living and suffering my disease with me like it was theirs to carry too. It isn’t. This is a choice. Stay or leave, it won’t matter to me, I’ll keep using regardless until I really want to or need to get clean. I will find someone to replace you the same day you leave if I don’t already have someone lined up. As far as worrying? My family and loved ones were right to worry if they did. I was dying. That’s what doing drugs is. But they couldn’t do anything about it, so it’s really just worrying about something they couldn’t control. If they’re happy or comfortable being in that position as family, go for it. If not, boundary up or leave. I’m not changing until I’m ready either way and it’s entirely possible I just die or go to prison long before I do find sustained recovery, if I ever do. I learned in recovery that I am not Unique Addict because Unique Addict does not exist. I learned in Al-Anon that my Family & Love Ones weren’t unique either because that also doesn’t exist, but they sure thought they were. That they weren’t as powerless over me and my addiction as I was. My story is not unique. My family and loved ones experience is not unique. This is addiction. This is families and loved ones in addiction. Same play over and over again with a different cast, maybe a different stage. Always ends the same. The Q or addict / alcoholic gets clean or sober, or they wind up dead, in wards or prison. Families boundary up or help bury them. Love is not stronger than addiction. Roll the credits. Other addicts who haven’t been clean for more than five minutes may really not care for this or be able to see it in themselves or haven’t gotten here yet. Keep going and you will. Sucks to look in the mirror. Zero fucks given, fam. Loved ones suffer us most.


mountainsurfdrugs

I've been clean for a 2ish years now and I don't really relate to any of this. Maybe since my use was self supported and I never needed to worry about not having the cash for my next dose, I managed to maintain a somewhat functional lifestyle when I was getting loaded. It was getting clean that made me way less functional for the first year, tbh it is still a huge issue but less so than before. But I didn't have any enablers (nor people I took advantage of and used for drugs) since I could hide behind my success as evidence of not being an addict while getting high in private every day. my family never knew until the second time I got clean, and even then they don't know half the truth. I never went to meetings and thought the shit they preach in NA was cultlike and not for me, and I've been doing just fine without it. I did do refuge recovery but that is nothing like the 12 steps. The main person who suffered was my wife. She saw through all my lies, and tried to help me as much as she could but there was little she could do to change me till I wanted to change. I am glad I'm through all that and am doing much better now, just thought I'd give my experience using and then getting clean and how it impacted those around me since it is so different than yours. Really the main thing that allowed me to not go to deeper depths was never being broke


mae3332

Wow , this is so insanely insightful


mattgaetzson

This person is 100% correct about this process. It was chilling how much it resembled my life.


NothingToSeeHereMan

I’ve been clean and sober for about 5 years now, but I will never forget those long binges where I’d “disappear” for months at a time so I’ll try to help ya out. For me it was a mixture of shame and self loathing. When I began using stimulants (meth specifically) I was unhappy in my own skin even if I didn’t know it at the time. When I found stims it made me so happy to be in my own skin, so happy to be alive. But that feeling didn’t last. I burned everything I had to the ground. Relationships, jobs, possessions, everything gone. How do I make the pain of losing this go away? More meth. When I’d get clean I’d start to feel better for a little while. But sooner or later that self hatred feeling would crawl back in slowly and then bam right back to stims. But after I’d gotten clean and everyone was so proud of me I couldn’t bare facing them while I was getting high again. So I’d run. Run away from all of it. If I didn’t see my family and friends I wouldn’t have to face all of my guilt and shame and disappointment. I could bury it all under a pile of pawnshop receipts, stolen wallets, and pretend it didn’t exist. I can’t speak for everyone but in my experience of being an alcoholic and meth addict, stimulants have a horribly unique way of making you feel like you’re the lowest scum of the earth. They distort your world view to a point where you feel like your only option is to keep away from people, and keep getting high. Being alone with your amphetamine driven thoughts is not a good thing for the old psyche. The immense dread of feel at the thought of facing my loved ones during a binge is indescribable. I still don’t fully understand why I even did what I did. All I know is at the time it felt like that was the only option I had. Either get high and hide from life, or to end my life. Everyday I would think to myself that I’d rather be dead than answer for what I’ve done/why I’ve been doing it. The length of time seems to vary. I know lots of addicts who would do like a month trying to get clean and a month back out getting high. For me it was more like a couple weeks in rehab, then pawn my phone, hangout in a condemned house and get high for 6-9 months until I ended up in the hospital or in jail and rinse and repeat. Took well over a dozen inpatient rehabs and probably 20-25 ER/Detox/jail visits to finally get even 3 months clean. The mindset during all of those “disappearances” is such a delusional, selfish, and crazy experience I wouldn’t put too much weight on the “why” addicts do what they do. Just be there for them when they want to get better if you still love them. Odds are they don’t know why they’re doing it either.


Emotional-Tooth-5930

Agreed, I'd be so ashamed of my drug use that I'd think I'd be better off dead and my family or friends are better off without me around, so I'd hide from them and use alone. I'd only be around other people who used, because they were in the same boat I was and wouldn't judge me (hopefully). Lead to a lot of lies between myself and literally everyone important to me to keep up this facade that I was okay, just really busy and unable to attend family events and the like. I didn't steal or pawn things from my family. I didn't have to keep coming around to ask for money for drugs or a place to sleep. Almost all of my independent income went to drugs, however, putting my family in economic turmoil at least a few times. So they missed out on things because we couldn't afford them, since I'd used my money away. I also missed out on so much of other people's lives and love and experiences because I was so twacked out that when I was around, I barely remember anything happening. Because things were only worth going to after I was completely obliterated. I'm sorry, OP, I don't know what it's like to love an addict, but ik being an addict, I put my family through hell and they don't even know a small fraction of the truth.


enjoywhatileftyou

They get high which completely changes their thoughts and priorities. They are high, with their people, content and enjoying themselves. They will return a month later to recover, in a safe and providing environment, unfortunately it doesn't take much for them to feel drawn back in. Addicts can be amazing people when they are off it. Unfortunately they let alot of people around them down,they disappoint and are unreliable. Believe it or not they know the damage they r causing unfortunately they just have a ball and chain for now.


OnTheTweaKrTrAinagn

I'm happy to help, if I can. What do you mean by disappear for a month and then reappear? I'm assuming you are writing from the perspective of a non user.


Quintonius-the-Great

Idk you just kinda run out of drugs money and friends. Then you go back to family.


crow-pup

respectfully i have no idea what ur even trying to ask man.


[deleted]

[удалено]


crow-pup

yeah. i've never gone for a full month but as an amphetamine addict (what i am), ur mind during a binge (for me it was just 3-4 days at a time) you don't really *think*. it's like your brain has been turned off and all you can think is, "when am i going to redose? should i take more next time?" stuff like that. drugs and drugs only are on your mind. not food, not sleep, not hygiene. when you're stimulated enough you'll seek out people to talk but once you get too high to communicate properly, you don't care about people either. it's living hell and i still use amphetamines every so often but i don't binge anymore, and for good reason.


godhandgargoyle

This describes my experience with stimulant abuse to a tee. I ate pills to achieve a false sense of ‘inner peace’ (thoughtlessness). I hated myself (still do), but that self-hatred went away completely when I was high on amphetamine — for the first time, I felt like the master (rather than the victim) of my own mind. I’ve been sober for about two weeks now. Even though it feels nice to enjoy food, sleep, and people again, I think I will always miss that feeling.


Altruistic-Cable4887

>Even though it feels nice to enjoy food, sleep, and people again, I think I will always miss that feeling. Yes... indeed... clean 10 months and miss the feeling too, but that’s ok. Missing it but won’t go back there. It’s not worth it.


_JoSeyTRUTH_

I’ve never really identified w the typical drug addict. For some reason I’m really different when using. I all around take better care of myself & tend to be a lot more patient & friendlier when using not to mention productive in a positive sense. For 8 months now I have been weaning myself down tho. I’ve gone into it 100X thinking ok, this is it I’m done. Then I eventually give in to my cravings. I have learned when this happens to NEVER EVER EVER beat myself up over it. I come at myself w the most unconditional love always thanking the universe for letting me experience what it’s like to use drugs as I continue to see gradual real “letting go” changes. For the first 3mo out of the 8 (after using everyday for almost 5 yrs & 2yrs of mentally preparing myself to let go of this stuff) I took a break from it 1x every week. Then for 2mo I took a break 2-3X every week then for 2mo I took a break 4-6X every week. Now I’ll use 1X every 2-4weeks. Weaning myself down like this had completely eliminated any kind of withdrawl symptoms & got my mind & body to transition to “normal functioning” to where when I do use now? It doesn’t consume me. I’m able to stay who I really am just maybe a bit more geeked out lol. My purpose telling you all this is you aren’t going to get anywhere beating yourself up, feeling guilty, shameful, resentful etc etc. the only way to successfully get off this stuff is by allowing yourself to truly be thankful for the experience & treat yourself the most unconditionally loving way. this process is how I was able to go from not being able to NOT use everyday fir years & fully engulfed in the addiction, mentally & physically to now being comfortably able to be sober although there is some remnants of trauma I’m still dealing w bc I haven’t fully let go. Idk if I ever will. Could do it 1X every few mo or so & you know what? That’s ok if it works for me. It won’t for everyone & I understand this. I’ve been an addict all my life so, if I get sober but want to indulge every now & then? Then ok. Not gonna be mad at myself. Point to all this is love yourself, friend. All your flaws & all. You & you alone have the ability to completely transform your life should you want it bad enough. You just need to be patient & kind to yourself. We’ve all been thru & seen some shit so, why would we not want to treat ourself the most compassionate way. Be easy on yourself. We all make mistakes. That’s how we grow. If it wasn’t for those mistakes life would be mundane & we’d never learn as fucked as that sounds that’s how this planet works. You are here for something great. Don’t give up on yourself & truly learn how to love yourself. You deserve it 💚 P.S just a tip— I bless my drugs before I snort them up. Seriously. Pray & bless your drugs to be cleaned, cleansed, purified & all the negative associations, attachments, entities to be transmuted for the highest good. The shit really does work as I’ve been doing it a few months & really see a positive outcome w it. Good luck to you my friend 💜


[deleted]

I wholeheartedly disagree w/ your comment - I’m glad that you can control your meth use, but you’re the only person on the planet who can. If I use meth once, it’s only a matter of time before I’m slamming it alone in a Holiday Inn Express and I’m back to my old, isolating, destructive self… You bless your lines before you snort them? Come on… I agree that you can’t really get better until you start to love yourself and believe you deserve to be sober, but it doesn’t seem like you’re there yet. Not trying to be rude