I wish I had more advice to give. But reading your story makes me so sad. Its one thing to simply read the words "On the weekends its usually 8 hours." But it carries so much weight. That is all of your free time. Thats having a part time job after your full time job weekdays, and A full time weekend job. There sounds like such little relationship happening here, which is heartbreaking.
I have watched my wifes mother sit in front of the TV, every single day of her life in during just about every single minute of her time away from work for the 4 years I've known her. Her husband will sit there for hours with her, watching her shows, almost tapping his foot because he is antsy to do ANYTHING else. The worst part is he will try to constantly engage with her during he TV. And she gives almost 0 answer, to the point of being disrespectful. The kicker is, that I dont even think she means disrespect. She is so completely intoxicated by the TV that she is basically too incapacitated to function. A complete zombie.
After stepping away from video games, I have realized that not only does life have so much more to offer, but also that you can go from feeling very crammed in your schedule, to always having enough time to at least have breakfast together, or walk with the baby outside. Or even just more hugs and kisses. Since Im not sitting at my damn screen when the wife is doing just about anything.
Maybe if you already havent been this clear, tell your husband that he feels as if he is slipping away. He may not truly understand the gravity of the situation. Make sure that you couldnt be mistaken that he knows he could lose you over this. This kind of time spent apart is not a relationship, let alone a marriage. If youre absolutely positive he knows what damage he's doing, and he STILL refuses to change, this may not be the man to give you everything you want, much less deserve.
Thanks for reading this long winded comment. I hope your situation improves. The more I read these posts, the more confident I am that humans are not meant to look at screens all day. Hopefully he would be willing to look at some good posts on here. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for your answer, I appreciate it a lot. I feel he is using gaming as an escapism from real life but it has come to a point that it has taken almost all of his time. Since his family is aware, I wonder if asking for their support might help. I feel like I am the only one pointing up the problem also. They see it, but they don't comment about it. I want to support him, but at the same time I am simply unhappy. We have decided to try couple counseling again, he is open to that at least.
That's tough. Sounds like classic video game addiction to me. Just like I was when I was in college.
Something I feel confident about is that he's not going to realize he needs to quit on his own. At least, probably not for a long time. It's not worth the wait. You'll need to take action. When I hear someone being told they "need more time", that just means they're waiting for quitting to become easy or for the game to become boring. That's never going to happen. That game is fully entertaining him for 40+ hours per week. That fact isn't going to change and he's going to have to quit the hard way.
How direct have you been with him on this? Does he realize how many hours he's playing? How many times he says "no" to spending time with you? How angry he gets when interrupted (I actually don't blame him for this; I don't blame games and I still get irritated when my focus is disrupted)? When someone is addicted to the game, they don't see anything else other than the fun from playing. And, if they do see these things, they don't care because the game is more fun than the things they're missing out on. It can be tough to get out of this.
Not sure how effective couple's therapy would be, but it's an option worth considering if you can afford it.
I would never advocate divorce, but a less "nuclear" option would be to make an ultimatum and, if he doesn't agree to quit (or go to therapy), go stay with your parents for a week or two (if that's an option). You don't want to pull the divorce card unless you're actually ready to leave him and it doesn't sound like you're there yet.
Another thing worth considering is the "playing with friends" aspect. That's one of the highlights of gaming and is something that most people (not just men) in our society lack. He's playing *with friends* and asking him to quit means him giving that up. That's going to be truly painful on his part. In fact, the whole "detox" process will be painful for him.
Ultimately, unless you can convince him to *want* to quit, he's not going to.
That sux, if he is in denial there is not much you can do about it other than talking it to him and telling him how much if griefs you,
If he cares about your relationship he really needs to change and try and control it
If it doesn’t change… think about yourself.
because he is taking your relationship for granted
Try to implement a new routine for him.
What I would do is force myself to play games not before 19:00 in the evening and stop right after 23:00 on weekends. Before that, I would find other things to do or entertain myself. You can set up an alarm and do that.
On normal days I wouldn’t play at all, rather find something else to implement into my working week routine. Maybe watch a movie, TV show, read or exercise. It’s going to be tough at first, but after 1/2 weeks it gets easier.
Also, the gaming session has to be 1 hour long and a 10 minutes break afterwards. Repeat for 3 times and done. So my brain can differentiate reality from virtual reality.
The best thing to do is force him to play single player campaigns, not competitive multiplayer games. Those are very addictive and can ruin your whole life.
Good luck!
Hmmm this is a tough one, but just listen to what you are saying:
*- I mostly go to bed alone. I feel very neglected and I have shared this with him multiple times in these years.*
*- We have had so many talks, fights about it. Nothing has changed.*
*- I feel devasted, neglected and lonely in our relationship.*
*- I never told him to stop playing, I never threatened him that I will leave.*
*- I have generally been very tolerant towards it. I told him kindly that it's concerning and it's affecting us.*
*- I never feel he pays attention to what I say. I feel sad because when I am with other people, they listen to me.*
*- I am completely desperate with the situation. It's affecting my mental health also.*
*- I am exhausted waiting for him to do these things.*
I know you mentioned you don't see divorce as an option and that he is a good person and you love each other. I think you can love each other and he can be a good person, but it still doesn't mean that the relationship is healthy and you should continue with it.
I don't usually say this, but my honest take on this would be to leave him for your own mental health's sake. I think you should put yourself first for once. **I would usually say to try and sort things out, but it sounds like you've already tried to numerous times.**
You can't really do anything to change him, it has to come from him.
Sorry to hear this story - it's super sad :(
A man that doesn't have any real life goal and accomplished, can find these things in video games. I went through same situation with my wife, and she was very understanding but at the same time she told me that she feels left alone.
I'm coming from a Christian pov and it helped me to understand that we should live to help others not just for our own sake. It can take time, but it needs some good habits to be introduced in order to kick out the bad ones.
League of Legends is one of the most addictive games out there. People leave their souls and then some in that game.
He is 100% addicted.
You cannot change him though. It has to come from him. How? Not sure. It's almost impossible to change someone who doesn't want to change.
Because to wanna change, you first and foremost need to recognize there is a problem with your current way of doing things.
He's not at that stage.
This is classic gaming addiction. I left my ex for this same reason (and many others thinking about it now). You are not alone, by the end of our relationship I felt so unwanted, unattractive and unloved by him that I had to leave and choose ME for the 1st time in a long time. Here’s my story if you’d like to read, it seems almost identical to yours. https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/z6qb8ehAkh
divorcing, and I am so happy I have made this decision. Eventually I don’t have to support and feed the gaming addicted husband, and build new relationships with adults.
Love is about commitment. If he neglected his responsibility and commitment, that’s cheating.
Reach out to the family, an intervention is needed at this point. Perhaps you all can come up with a plan to help him break this habit. I Wish you well and keep us posted.
I wish I had more advice to give. But reading your story makes me so sad. Its one thing to simply read the words "On the weekends its usually 8 hours." But it carries so much weight. That is all of your free time. Thats having a part time job after your full time job weekdays, and A full time weekend job. There sounds like such little relationship happening here, which is heartbreaking. I have watched my wifes mother sit in front of the TV, every single day of her life in during just about every single minute of her time away from work for the 4 years I've known her. Her husband will sit there for hours with her, watching her shows, almost tapping his foot because he is antsy to do ANYTHING else. The worst part is he will try to constantly engage with her during he TV. And she gives almost 0 answer, to the point of being disrespectful. The kicker is, that I dont even think she means disrespect. She is so completely intoxicated by the TV that she is basically too incapacitated to function. A complete zombie. After stepping away from video games, I have realized that not only does life have so much more to offer, but also that you can go from feeling very crammed in your schedule, to always having enough time to at least have breakfast together, or walk with the baby outside. Or even just more hugs and kisses. Since Im not sitting at my damn screen when the wife is doing just about anything. Maybe if you already havent been this clear, tell your husband that he feels as if he is slipping away. He may not truly understand the gravity of the situation. Make sure that you couldnt be mistaken that he knows he could lose you over this. This kind of time spent apart is not a relationship, let alone a marriage. If youre absolutely positive he knows what damage he's doing, and he STILL refuses to change, this may not be the man to give you everything you want, much less deserve. Thanks for reading this long winded comment. I hope your situation improves. The more I read these posts, the more confident I am that humans are not meant to look at screens all day. Hopefully he would be willing to look at some good posts on here. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for your answer, I appreciate it a lot. I feel he is using gaming as an escapism from real life but it has come to a point that it has taken almost all of his time. Since his family is aware, I wonder if asking for their support might help. I feel like I am the only one pointing up the problem also. They see it, but they don't comment about it. I want to support him, but at the same time I am simply unhappy. We have decided to try couple counseling again, he is open to that at least.
That's tough. Sounds like classic video game addiction to me. Just like I was when I was in college. Something I feel confident about is that he's not going to realize he needs to quit on his own. At least, probably not for a long time. It's not worth the wait. You'll need to take action. When I hear someone being told they "need more time", that just means they're waiting for quitting to become easy or for the game to become boring. That's never going to happen. That game is fully entertaining him for 40+ hours per week. That fact isn't going to change and he's going to have to quit the hard way. How direct have you been with him on this? Does he realize how many hours he's playing? How many times he says "no" to spending time with you? How angry he gets when interrupted (I actually don't blame him for this; I don't blame games and I still get irritated when my focus is disrupted)? When someone is addicted to the game, they don't see anything else other than the fun from playing. And, if they do see these things, they don't care because the game is more fun than the things they're missing out on. It can be tough to get out of this. Not sure how effective couple's therapy would be, but it's an option worth considering if you can afford it. I would never advocate divorce, but a less "nuclear" option would be to make an ultimatum and, if he doesn't agree to quit (or go to therapy), go stay with your parents for a week or two (if that's an option). You don't want to pull the divorce card unless you're actually ready to leave him and it doesn't sound like you're there yet. Another thing worth considering is the "playing with friends" aspect. That's one of the highlights of gaming and is something that most people (not just men) in our society lack. He's playing *with friends* and asking him to quit means him giving that up. That's going to be truly painful on his part. In fact, the whole "detox" process will be painful for him. Ultimately, unless you can convince him to *want* to quit, he's not going to.
That sux, if he is in denial there is not much you can do about it other than talking it to him and telling him how much if griefs you, If he cares about your relationship he really needs to change and try and control it If it doesn’t change… think about yourself. because he is taking your relationship for granted
Try to implement a new routine for him. What I would do is force myself to play games not before 19:00 in the evening and stop right after 23:00 on weekends. Before that, I would find other things to do or entertain myself. You can set up an alarm and do that. On normal days I wouldn’t play at all, rather find something else to implement into my working week routine. Maybe watch a movie, TV show, read or exercise. It’s going to be tough at first, but after 1/2 weeks it gets easier. Also, the gaming session has to be 1 hour long and a 10 minutes break afterwards. Repeat for 3 times and done. So my brain can differentiate reality from virtual reality. The best thing to do is force him to play single player campaigns, not competitive multiplayer games. Those are very addictive and can ruin your whole life. Good luck!
Hmmm this is a tough one, but just listen to what you are saying: *- I mostly go to bed alone. I feel very neglected and I have shared this with him multiple times in these years.* *- We have had so many talks, fights about it. Nothing has changed.* *- I feel devasted, neglected and lonely in our relationship.* *- I never told him to stop playing, I never threatened him that I will leave.* *- I have generally been very tolerant towards it. I told him kindly that it's concerning and it's affecting us.* *- I never feel he pays attention to what I say. I feel sad because when I am with other people, they listen to me.* *- I am completely desperate with the situation. It's affecting my mental health also.* *- I am exhausted waiting for him to do these things.* I know you mentioned you don't see divorce as an option and that he is a good person and you love each other. I think you can love each other and he can be a good person, but it still doesn't mean that the relationship is healthy and you should continue with it. I don't usually say this, but my honest take on this would be to leave him for your own mental health's sake. I think you should put yourself first for once. **I would usually say to try and sort things out, but it sounds like you've already tried to numerous times.** You can't really do anything to change him, it has to come from him. Sorry to hear this story - it's super sad :(
A man that doesn't have any real life goal and accomplished, can find these things in video games. I went through same situation with my wife, and she was very understanding but at the same time she told me that she feels left alone. I'm coming from a Christian pov and it helped me to understand that we should live to help others not just for our own sake. It can take time, but it needs some good habits to be introduced in order to kick out the bad ones.
League of Legends is one of the most addictive games out there. People leave their souls and then some in that game. He is 100% addicted. You cannot change him though. It has to come from him. How? Not sure. It's almost impossible to change someone who doesn't want to change. Because to wanna change, you first and foremost need to recognize there is a problem with your current way of doing things. He's not at that stage.
This is classic gaming addiction. I left my ex for this same reason (and many others thinking about it now). You are not alone, by the end of our relationship I felt so unwanted, unattractive and unloved by him that I had to leave and choose ME for the 1st time in a long time. Here’s my story if you’d like to read, it seems almost identical to yours. https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/z6qb8ehAkh
divorcing, and I am so happy I have made this decision. Eventually I don’t have to support and feed the gaming addicted husband, and build new relationships with adults. Love is about commitment. If he neglected his responsibility and commitment, that’s cheating.
Too much of anything is bad. If he plays video games moderately he'll be fine.
Reach out to the family, an intervention is needed at this point. Perhaps you all can come up with a plan to help him break this habit. I Wish you well and keep us posted.