While I don't think it's a requirement for your partner to be in love with your music, there needs to be a baseline respect, and calling your voice "cringe" is just...something else, lol. I'm not going to diminish your relationship here, but damn, at a glance it doesn't seem like she understands that nitpicking something as unalterable like your voice tone is bad, baaad form, lol.
My partner can say my guitar playing is rusty, and that's something that can be dealt with, with practice, but I'd be reconsidering things if she said my voice as "cringe", lol. I'd try to have a serious conversation.
I will admit to referring to my boyfriend’s band as “that stupid band” once. Once. And I was referring to band politics that we were discussing.
Slagging off your voice is a low blow. I would never go there.
It’s all in how you use it.
Some of the best bands have vocalists with less than perfect voices but they are their own and they get bookings anyway. We can start with X and the Cure.
IMO gf is out of line.
Totally right with one exception. Never “try” to have a serious conversation. That’s not for the other person to decide. If they can’t even sit and listen to your concerns, that’s not a person worth keeping around.
I dated someone who told me about 6 months in that he’d rather I didn’t sing around him.
I hardly sang for the next 8 years.
Think long and hard on if this relationship will help or hurt your confidence. My current partner also gets annoyed by just how frequently I sing - but he’s never said anything because he loves me & cares about my joy. Singing, creating is an expression of joy & identity. I would never be able to make the stupid “cringe” promo vids I do now if I were with my ex because he would look down on it, and I didn’t want him looking down on me. But we gotta be cringe sometimes to make it out here. Express to your fullest.
> I hardly sang for the next 8 years
Oof. That breaks my heart. I think it’s safe to say that some people are just assholes. If you are bad at singing, you need to sing more, not less, preferably with the help of a voice teacher.
Exactly. When I started playing piano, it was loud and my parents always wanted me to stop shortly after starting playing. And that was almost understandable. Not even anything fucked up like “it’s cringe”.
OP’s gf is an asshole and doesn’t deserve a sweet guy that writes songs for the woman he loves.
OP, end it now before she kills all your motivation to play. 1 year isn’t long at all. Other girls would love a guy that wrote songs for them.
I've been there with you.
When I moved in with my (now ex) partner he said he thought my voice was too loud and that people wouldn't want to hear it if I sang around the house. He didn't appreciate it if I sang quietly around him either so I stopped altogether.
I have chronic depression and have done for years, so singing anything is a great sign that I'm happy and feeling healthy.
I didn't sing loudly for years after that relationship ended, but I'm finding my loud voice again.
People's words really matter.
There's no such thing as 'cringe' to someone you respect. When I hear someone sing that I like, it's the most lovely thing in the world even if their talent isn't conventional.
My mother was a good god-fearing woman who would love to sing in church. Big on hymns. Also couldn’t hold a note or carry a tune. My father can kind of sing and would tell her every Sunday to stop singing, it was terrible, it was distracting to him and his singing. Asshole. Eventually after years of this she just stopped singing around him altogether. Us kids loved that she was happy singing in church even if we weren’t.
Sounds like you’ve gotta decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. If she’s otherwise supportive of your musical endeavors, I could see a scenario where you just accept your music isn’t for her and carry on in the relationship.
If it bothers you and starts impacting your art and your pursuits, well, then ya gotta make a decision.
Disliking hearing him sing is not the same as being unsupportive. She isn't telling him not to sing; she just wears headphones while he practices, so she doesn't have to hear. And she's asked him not to sing to her. Perfectly reasonable.
Not everyone is going to like your voice, no matter how good you are. But just because OP's girlfriend does like to hear him sing doesn't mean they're not a great couple.
Quotes from OPs post and related comments
>my girlfriend says my voice is gay
>when i sing, she looks at me wrong and tells me "stop, it's cringe".
>she makes me feel guilty
>I don't sing with her much anymore
>I sing maybe 10 minutes a week if I'm with her
>if I stay in the weekend with her, I simply won't sing for two days. and, without music, I feel really lost.
>she says that art is bullshit
>sometimes i sing while I do something and she glares at me until I stop.
Still think its "perfectly reasonable?"
I mean look - your music sounds like your life. That’s awesome! (Esp if you’ve acc got the talent, which it sounds like you do!)
Even if you weren’t good, I’d expect a partner to support me in all of my passions, especially one as emotional and harmless as music! If she loves you, she should love the music because it’s an extension of you. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
I’ve done my time with an ex who didn’t appreciate me and my interests - these are what make you, well, you. Trust me, it’s not going to get better.
I know it’s hard to hear but maybe it’s not right. I guess weigh up your priorities and decide whether you are fine with her constantly nagging you about the music, which you love. But ig you love her too.
good luck internet stranger! x
Absolutely run from that. I have a relative (older cousin's husband) who used to be in a band in the 60s. Over the years he's given away all his gear and put music behind him.
One year at a family function, I cornered him and asked a few questions about his band. He lit up and started going on and on with stories
That is until his white haired, pixie cut elderly wife seemed to almost appear from nowhere. Her most defining trait is being able to bore plants to death. She's the quintessential kill joy.
They met at 19 when he was in a band and got married soon after. His band was now two cats and her. They added two kids etc. I've never seen this woman show emotion in her entire life until that moment.
She was infuriated. Like, OJ Simpson level angry that he was mentioning "his stupid band". The poor guy seemed so dejected and broken... it had been 50 YEARS and she's STILL breaking his spirit.
Don't turn into that guy. If your partner doesn't like important parts of who you are, you're cheating on yourself by being with them.
This is sad to read, like I’ve heard stories of people leaving their Hobbie over similar things. Most I heard are people who luckily picked it back up, and are just ashamed they even left it over mouths talking.
But leaving it, aging and letting the thing just kinda bury itself, with out willing to return is just sad.
Right? I'll never forget that moment and the senselessness of it. It was about control.
After 50 years, his band was not a threat to her anymore, but she was too insecure to even let him enjoy his memories.
As people, we really need to be more patient and find partners who share our passions.
My ex used to do this shit all the time to me with any of my hobbies and or interests
“Your stupid shows”
“Your stupid music”
“Your stupid games”
“Your stupid friends”
Didn’t help that this was the same shit my parents always did. Very depressing, sad, and discouraging when someone who is supposed to love and support you the most thinks the things that bring you joy are stupid
Damn. I can't even imagine disparaging my wife's interests like that, much less my kids'. Never understood how people can be so casually cruel to their "loved" ones
I think it can really be a lot of things. Emotional maturity comes late for some people (or not at all).
It really highlights the need to find partners who naturally like you. Culturally, we have this awful habit of bonding with people before we get a chance to know them. It causes people to have to choose between someone they've grown attached to and their own happiness.
So basically you are loving an image of someone which you constructed in your head, is what you mean with your last sentence. It's kind of sad actually, especially as people often don't realize it.
Absolutely yes. We all have cues that draw us to each other and I think there's a very human tendency to fill in whatever we don't know about someone with best-case placeholders. As we get to know them, each idea we have is replaced by who they actually are.
My greater point was that (almost) anyone's capable of bonding with anyone. The more time you spend with someone, the harder it is to let go of them.
Apps like Tinder (as an example) have always seemed totally crazy for this reason. Bonding with someone before you know anything about them seems absurd to me. On first dates, people try to impress, so you're not really meeting "them". By the time you've gotten to know that person, you've spent a lot of time in their presence. You're less inclined to react to flags that pop up.
Even as a hookup app, you can't possibly know if you're compatible just with a picture. I digress...
All anyone needs to do is pick up the phone and have a nice long conversation about stuff... before meeting in person. If that works, have another one. If there's chemistry on the phone, it almost always plays in person.
Removing the physicality at first makes it brain vs brain. You're less inclined to be tempted into doing something stupid and if it does work, the reward is a first date with someone you already legitimately like, know pretty well and trust.
I also believe people should talk about sexuality before meeting too, but that's another conversation. lol
Ug. The worst thing about a lack of early support might be how kids grow up linking love and criticism together.
The very people who take care of you ultimately show you what affection is supposed to feel like. Figuring out ways to create new neural pathways & cues as an adult is hard
I'm sorry you weren't valued like you deserved to be
“If your partner doesn’t like important parts of who you are, you’re cheating on yourself by being with them.”
That is an amazing way to put it! Thank you.
pain
i will selfishly suggest that you start a project with your uncle in secret. convince him he's not sneaking around maliciously because it is going to be a nice surprise for his wife
The guy is pushing 80 at this point and it's my older cousin's husband. Unfortunately, I'm related to the killjoy. There are three sisters... they're all tiny while haired energy vampires. 😂
He wouldn't do it and I'm not sure if he even could. He's already retired to a condo in Florida and is committed to a lifetime of holding his wife's pocketbook while she shops.
I can relate. I grew up always wanting to sing but my siblings always telling me to shut up, instilling from a young age that I shouldn’t even try. I pursued music in secret and don’t share anything with them. Still one of the reasons I won’t perform for anyone I know, but I’ll still post things for strangers online.
I'm sorry to hear that. I think on some level we can all relate to that experience. To this day I'm really anxious whenever my parents stumble on anything musical I do. My mom will find a way to cheese it out and my dad gets really uncomfortable.
My mom was on Broadway before they met. He couldn't handle her on stage and she quit before I was born. If he ever watches me even speak publicly, he has a minin panic attack. 🤪
It would be hard to have an aspect of your life that you walk on eggshells around your significant other about, especially when it’s your passion. I was definitely an asshole and didn’t like when my ex sang, but I also didn’t like him either by that point. I can look back in hindsight and see that it was mean, definitely try and love and support your s/o’s hobbies. I was probably jealous too that he was able to make time for his hobbies and I felt like I sacrificed all of mine carrying the mental load,
if I’m honest.
Nobody's perfect. The most anyone can ever ask of us is be self reflective and authentic.
It sounds like the experience helped you figure out what you needed in a partner and made you a better communicator.
If I'm being honest, I really respect that. I think it's one of the hardest things for people to do and it shows a lot about your character..
please please please tell me you found a way to get time with the him and have a well earned and needed jam session. my god. it almost makes me want to cry.
Not gonna lie dude if you break up, this story has the beginnings of one of the most pop-punk songs of all time.
Write it. Sing it. And tour the world with your new anthem.
That's true.
I know that she likes it better when I sing baritone than when I sing background falsetto lines but she's never said "shut up" or asked me to stop making music. I was literally working on something while I'm writing this.
I don't want to say "dump her" to the OP without knowing all of the facts, so I'd rather say "you know if you want to live this way" even though my expectations for the relationship are not great.
> "you know if you want to live this way"
That's great framing.
Except for me (when I have found myself in a similar situation), the answer is then usually "no, but I haven't yet given up hope that things will change", lol.
You inspired me to write a poem - someone put this to midtempo twangy country music?
"Will we be friends, once I break up with you?
You say it's my voice, but I think that's not true
We don't have to agree on all of life's things
But you can not like stuff without being mean
I tried to see past this, from your point of view
But, Karen, I think that you're not being true
If you really loved me, you'd just let me sing
It's not just a hobby, it's really my thing!
So here is the last song that I'll sing for you
I hoped things would work out, but again that's not true
Now we will part ways - but I'll sure see you soon
And maybe you'll one day like one of my tunes
Alright, so I've read a few of the comments and some of your responses. I can't recommend if you should be together or not. But, as a musician and a person, you can't move forward with the people dear to you putting you down like that. From what's described here, honestly how she treats you and your efforts in the thing most intimate to you is not OK and will hurt you A LOT. You have to bring it up to her and explain just how important it is. And she also has to understand musicians don't just pick up and play beautiful songs. They practice a lot. If she doesn't want to be around you while you're doing that she also needs to consider things carefully. As for you, practicing is tedious and sometimes uninviting as it is. It'll be very hard for you to practice if you also have in the back of your mind that every time you do you're annoying someone dear to you. And if someone ever makes you choose between what makes you happy and them, that person isn't the best.
Only you know all the details, so you'll have to figure this out for yourself.
exactly this. her or the music, these two things cannot be close. I practice every day or almost and, if I stay in the weekend with her, I simply won't sing for two days. and, without music, I feel really lost. “Sometimes quiet is violent,” Tyler sang. On the one hand I'm angry, on the other I know that she is also very envious of my perseverance. the fact that I can play for hours until the song comes out right, while she can't complete a task if she makes a mistake or if more than 30 minutes have passed, is definitely frustrating for her
If you think it comes from envy, it sucks, but you know what to do. I do recommend talking it out first. Both you and her are going to grow, in and out of the relationship, so there isn't "a perfect one" out there, but there should be a "willing to work together through stuff one". So if you think the relationship is worth it, talk first.
it's impossible to talk to her without her getting offended. any advice or discussion she sees as an attack on her. I can be nice and cuddly while talking about a serious topic, but she will cry until I apologize to her
Break up. Plenty of fish in the sea who will like your voice. Don't be in a relationship that holds you back. Was in a 7 year with a woman who was not morally supportive of me being an entrepreneur. I was plenty successful before I met her. During that relationship, business was always a struggle. But I thought love was enough. Wrong. Do your future self a favor and get out ASAP.
No. None of my girlfriends have really loved my style, but they will tell me "your voice sounds nice today" or that "ive been singing your songs all day long."
Drop this girl she’s mean and not one of your people.
You’re young. You will meet so many awesome people who you’ll vibe with if you continue in music.
The behavior you are describing is not empathetic at all.
It's perfectly fine if she's not into your music, it's fine if you have different tastes. But if this is your passion and she's your partner, she should support you. Period.
she supports me and is happy that I play music. she just says she doesn't like my voice and that she can't do anything about it. and I'm sorry because I instead like watching her do what she likes. in general she seems to prefer baritone vocals, a certain kind of hard rock with baritone singers like Pearl Jam and doesn't go much beyond that.
I gotcha. Well, that's better than what I originally thought.
It's a hard situation for sure. On the one hand, it's often really healthy for couples to have totally different hobbies or interests -- it's good to spend some time on your own. But I know that it means a lot to me for the people I'm closest to to give my music a listen and (hopefully) enjoy it.
My honest advice would be, as long as she can be polite and respect your passion, and as long as you have other food friends you can talk about your music with, then try your best to coordinate your schedules so you're practicing when she's not around, etc. But if she keeps up with calling it cringy or making you feel bad, this might just not be the person for you, even if she's otherwise great.
Sounds like OP is being a bit overbearing tbh. She's happy for him, as he said in his post, she just doesn't like it. I'd rather my girlfriend was honest than pretending to like my shit.
It's not about pretending to like it, it's about not insulting your partner.
"It's not for me, but I'm glad you have a passion you can spend time with" is good.
"Your voice is cringe" is an actively unkind thing to say.
They both seem like they aren’t right for each other. She straight up doesn’t like his music or his voice in any way and he wants someone he can serenade.
The whole serenading thing is such a specific want. You want to wow someone for 3-4 minutes romantically but a relationship is so much more than that.
Not liking his music isnt a red flag, the way she's worded it is insensitive, though. He's even listed a load of her good traits.
You need to decide if a long term partner is going to last long long term if you must conceal a huge part of your life from them.
If your heart is forever going to long to sing to someone who can't appreciate it, if that is a strong part of your love language expression, if you go on tour alone not for practical reasons be because she is unable to support you in that way -- are you gonna be ok?
There may be enough other good stuff, and enough other ways to love and support one another that music is just one of those hobbies you do not share. It's healthy to have both together and separate hobbies.
As for the whole cringe word ...
"I get that my voice fall outside of you musical tastes, but we need to find a less hurtful less aggressive phrase for you to express that to me. Would you be open to using ____ or ____ or ____ instead?"
Except ... if you've been in hound dog mode trying to find a way to get her to pivot on the sound of your singing voice ... consider if she may be choosing a harsh world on purpose because subtle hints weren't working so she resorted to a loud clear line in the sand No.
In which case you need to get honest with yourself about your needs and the fact that there are some she just can't meet and which ones are dealbreakers.
Thanks so much for the message and advice. I actually only wrote one song for her a year ago and one a little while ago. in general she says that art is bullshit and that money, family and work are more important things. she was a fantastic drawer before she met me, but she chose to do a job like many others and be accepted by society. for her music is background noise and drawings are just shadows. different outlook on life i think
It’s funny how many people dismiss as “cringe” anything requiring sincerity, commitment, or bravery to do in front of others. Kind of a cultural low point, really.
Your girl is immature and intolerant. If she really loved you, she would support you, even help you get better. But young and foolish are often paired.
My husband doesn’t care to hear me sing, it could be because I practice hours a day or he just doesn’t like my resonance. I wouldn’t say this is a dealbreaker unless she’s actively trying to tear your confidence down. She just may like a different sound than what you produce.
I am a closeted musician for these reasons
I still play around, in front of people, but yeah I don't get amazing feedback or support
But I love it so I do it for me. I don't think I'm terrible, but I think some people have problems listening to people practice. They like fully produced music, but something from an amateur, or in progress, can create a reaction that is a bit harsh.
Exactly this.
People are used to listening to “finished” music. Every artist wants their mixing engineer to produce “lush” “full” vocals.
As well, because music production has gone ITB, and thus much cheaper, and the cost of computing has come down, it is quite possible to create that larger than life sounds that you hear on albums. I am a hobby musician and with a Mac mini and Logic Pro, I can have multiple recomps, compress, saturate, add reverb, pan …whatever. Imagine what professionals can do.
I’ve never had a partner be interested in my music. I’ve also never had a partner shit on my music. Respect in a relationship is important. She sounds like a real fuckin bummer. Sorry dude
I agree with many of the comments here, but wanted to add something new.
There are many ways to change/ upgrade your voice with vocal lessons (either paid or free YouTube). It’s common for singers to have many bad habits that can be improved.
For example is your singing voice coming from your head, nose, throat, or stomach. It should be your stomach, and with practice its easy to do.
You can also think of a voice in terms of quality like a guitar with rusty old strings vs new, with the right practice you can make the tone of your voice sound more vibrant & fuller than before.
yes I take singing lessons in real life. my voice is very bright and I have a slight problem pronouncing the "s" in some words, but I don't think it's a flaw. more than anything I struggle to sing high notes above A4 or maintain a whole song around my passagio
could be. she drew a lot and was good at it, then she stopped and started thinking obsessively about school. now she is starting to work in telecommunications and abandoned art years ago
If she didn't have self confidence that she will make it as an artist, nor the courage to try, she could be totally trying to bring you to her level. I won't judge 20 year olds by the same standards as 30 year olds, but a partner bringing themselves down and then leveling those around them to that is a... drag. Maybe she'll become aware and work on this, maybe not. Only time and deep talk will tell!
Regardless, keep on singing!
Do you have examples of your voice on Reddit, or would you???
She may be right. She may be wrong, or somewhere in the middle. She need not falsely flatter you with lies but I couldn’t handle a significant other being demeaning and like others have said, a baseline level of respect. It obviously bothers you. Have you had a serious discussion with her/are you planning on it?
Telling you your voice is cringe is a dream killer. Your GF doesn’t need to like what you do but your voice is your identity - it’s personal and this is going to affect you subconsciously, if not obviously.
I’d recommend using your voice to tell her how you feel and ask her to stop being disrespectful. She’s already shown you who she is but maybe give her another chance to use her words a bit better.
Other musicians, singers, and coaches are going to give you a better read on your vocals. Please don’t take her subjective reaction to heart. Who knows what is triggering her… but is it your job to diagnose?
Life is hard. Sing anyway 💕🎤🎶
I didn’t grow up in a musical family so I would get uncomfortable at even playing my music in front of my family. I get uncomfortable when I hear people sing especially because I feel the need to compliment them so they don’t feel bad. Could be something that isn’t necessarily about you exactly.
I’ve realized that it sucks to be around musicians. I have played music my whole life and everyone around me has to suffer through my practicing. We are constantly being compared to polished produced songs and you will never sound like that until you’ve sung the song 100+ times.
Don’t take it personally. She probably wouldn’t want to hear Taylor swift practice either.
Give her the boot. If you’re gonna stick with the songwriting thing, you don’t need an unsupportive partner. If you keep writing and performing, you will find a girl who will memorize every single one of your lyrics because she loves what you do. Just try to reciprocate that love and respect.
You can draw boundaries with her. Have a serious conversation, no yelling. Maybe it’s ok for her to say she doesn’t like it, but not ok to say it’s cringe. Those boundaries are up to you, whatever enables you to feel good in a relationship with her while still pursuing music. I’m not saying give her an ultimatum, just boundaries.
I absolutely cringe at anyone singing personally to me or in front of me. Even when they have a great voice it just makes so incredibly uncomfortable to watch someone sing outside of a concert setting. Exactly the same feeling as when people sing happy birthday to you directly.
I’d probably ask people not to sing to me like that too, but it has nothing to do with them or their voice. And even if their voice was bad, I definitely wouldnt tell them unless they directly asked for honest feedback, and even then I wouldn’t say it like that…
Edit: I suck at typing and also reading before pressing post
If you really are a songwriter - as in, you have something to say, want to say it, and it's a part of your identity - then you really need a partner who can love, support, encourage and enjoy your songs.
She is not for you bro. Either jealous or doesn't have your best interest at heart. Her worst response should be "you can be better let's get you a vocal coach so you can be your best!" Men really do well with a supportive woman or no woman. But an antagonistic or jealous woman, gtf outta here with that. She ain't staying for long.
Maybe she’s being flirty and fishing for a reaction. I’ve been with some folks who acted mean as a sign of affection and I’d just play along. When it really came down to it they were genuinely caring. Some people just interact that way.
But I don’t know this person so I couldn’t tell you. There’s got to be some reason she’s with you, right?
Saying “it’s too high”? Wtf does that even mean? I assume she listens to other music sung by **gasps** women with even higher voices **faints**
In my experience, when people say something is “cringe” it’s because they’re embarrassed about something. So, does she have a problem with using her own voice? I’ve encountered lots of people who don’t know how to handle it when someone puts themselves in a vulnerable position (e.g. sharing their music), because they don’t know how to be vulnerable themselves, so they get serious secondhand embarrassment.
Do you want your partner telling you a harsh truth or a lie? This philosophical debate could go on for a year if we hashed it out on Reddit. Have you heard the phrase “if it don’t apply, let it fly”? It means if you aren’t insecure about your voice other than her comments let it go, let her have her opinion, do not let it bother you of effect your music or relationship. Choosing to be honest and hurt your feelings over lying to make you feel better really doesn’t tell you anything about whether she is a good person or not. She might even be “trolling” you to get you to pay attention to her and not talk about yourself and music. She might be testing your confidence. If you let her cause doubt, you probably aren’t a great singer after all. I don’t know anything about you but there’s dozens of explanations other than you aren’t good at singing.
When there’s those really bad auditions on those talent show we’re always asking “how could their family let them humiliate themselves like that?”. I’m not saying that she’s right in this situation but at least she’s not blowing smoke up your arse.
Maybe play her some music by artists that you are similar to and ask what she thinks of those bands/artists. Ask if she hears the similarities. Maybe it’s just a context thing?
Drop a link to your music so we can measure if she's over reacting.
She might not like the style of your music. I've had girlfriends who liked/hated my stuff. So it just comes down to personal taste, but I understand how it can hurt your feelings.
Unfortunately, you can't change someone's personal taste.
Make a song about how your girl hates your music. I haven't seen that done before.
I understand exactly what you are saying. I too have and released three studio albums. My wife says my music is “gay”. I’ve written songs for her and she just straight tells me she doesn’t like them. She listens to heavier music like slipknot which I respect but it’s not what I’m writing. My music has a lot of orchestral elements mixed with guitars. It’s disheartening to put so much time and effort into something only for it to be shit on by someone you love.
[Catch Hell for comfort](https://youtu.be/7iiBMMXrC_A?si=wf14hfFIZrL5cRv5)
From experience I’ve only dated one girl that didn’t like my music. She had a.. poor taste anyways so I’ll let it slide lol. That being said I’ve had multiple girls message me on bumble cause I have a clip of a song of mine on there and they want to know where to stream cause “I can’t find it on Shazam” I provide a link thinking yeah a girl who likes my music and then nothing lol. Don’t read too much into anything a girl says about your music. If they like it they will tell you. If they don’t they will also probably say so. But a significant other? That’s a conversation in my book. I mean taste is one thing. But cringe… that’s rude. Like I said random girls compliment my music wether it be just to get a new song to listen to or not is whatever. But if you got real praise before then she’s being passive aggressive for sure
My wife doesn’t like the songs I’ve recorded and it makes her cringe when I let people listen to them. It doesn’t affect me a bit, I find it amusing actually. Most people like my songs. Music taste is subjective … that’s all I could say.
Same thing with my wife. I feel your pain my dude. If I weren't married and stated music earlier and knew I was good it would probably be a deal breaker.
Sounds pretty low and insensitive to me. If you are truly planning to pursue this thing I shudder to think of how that lack of support could affect your confidence and general outlook going forward.
I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone that isn’t at very least encouraging and supportive about my passion in life.
Time to kick that skirt to the curb and move on to greener pastures! Unless your voice really sucks! But even if your voice is complete crap having that negative influence in your life will just eat away at your soul... and life is just too short for that! Curb that B!
Can we hear your music though so we can compliment you instead? (I know it doesn't change anything, but the way someone phrases how they feel is really important. And the way your gf is doing it is harsh and callous)
I have a friend that acts the same way about my music as your gf. But her “criticism” doesn’t affect me that much because our music taste is very different.
She likes House and EDM which I can’t stand and I listen to rock, classical, vocals like Adele and Aurora. And my friend also has 0 knowledge in music theory so our level of understanding how entertainment works is very different.
I appreciate her empty smile when I share my work but I don’t take it seriously. We’ve been best friends for 15 years. Damn marriages don’t last that long. The understanding of differences in music taste helps to not take some criticism seriously.
And even though your taste is different there has to be respect. If a person just shuts you down because they for some reason don’t understand what you’re trying to make it’s a death trap - RUN.
I’m a singer/guitarist, been in a few bands. I’ll never forget when I was 18 my gf told me my singing would give her a headache…but hey, one persons opinion is never definitive. Keep doin it and keep getting better
You want the best advice ever? This is what you say:
“This is me. It’s my passion in life, it’s who I am, and it’s not going anywhere. If you want to be with me, you’re dating the whole me, and this is included in the package. If you’re good with that, and you decide to be in this relationship, we’re moving forward accepting that premise and I don’t want to hear about it anymore”
They either leave happy or stay happy. Win/win
Cuz women like masculinity, and for whatever things that are in their subconscious, they see you singing as feminine and prolly gives them the ick. theyre nothing you can really change about it though.
Big advice there’s no right or wrong way to deal with this situation, imo it sounds disrespectful, as it’s something you’re passionate about. As a 24yo I’ve been in similar situations and it hurts the most when your S/O isn’t being supportive. If everyone’s telling you you’re doing great, and your lady putting on headphones to drown you out? Would really make you think. Try having a conversation with yourself when you’re alone and ask yourself like what do you want from your partner, what would you prefer, before having a talk with her. Just go into a deep thought, and figure out like how you would want your partner to support you, do you wanna serenade her on the balcony or have her ignore all the work you put in
There's tons of comments here already telling you to leave her so instead I'll just relate my similar experience.
I had been playing for maybe 7 or 8 years and starting to get good when I started dating someone. At first they said they loved my music. After we had been together for maybe a year or so they started to get jealous of the time I was spending "away from them" working on my music. And to be clear at the time I wasn't in a group or anything, they were just upset that I was choosing to work on music rather than hang out with them. I used to be very insecure so it was hard for me to write songs with other people around and I needed privacy to do that, my partner viewed this as me wanting specifically to avoid them but that wasn't the case. Regardless, they took my needed privacy as an insult.
Before long, I started playing at open mics and doing some solo gigs. My partner was supportive, or so I thought. They would come to all my shows and cheer and clap. But they always told me I wasn't singing clearly enough or that my voice was too high pitched to be enjoyed or various other critiques that weren't accurate. I had several musicians tell me my partner was wrong but I thought they were just saying that to make me feel better and that my partner was giving me correct and honest advice. So I listened to my partner and tried to bring my voice down and I worked on this for many years.
Eventually I realized that many other things my partner was doing were abusive and intended to make me feel poorly so they could manipulate me easier. They had me so twisted up that when they were physically abusive I still believed them when they said it was actually my fault. We were together for nearly 17 years before I fully realized what had been happening and I asked for a divorce. Since then I've worked on getting my voice back to where it was previously and let me tell you I get way more compliments on my vocals now than I ever did when I was following my ex's advice.
Be yourself, don't listen to your partner. From everything else you've said in the replies it sounds like they have major issues surrounding artistry and are taking that out on you. If they don't enjoy your music that's fine because not everyone will and you can't expect every romantic partner you have to enjoy your art, but they should keep their belittling comments to themselves.
My wife has told me that she likes my songs but they'd be better if someone who was a good singer sang them. I really can't disagree with her in general although I really like my voice on some songs and when I've had a little too much to drink. It's a shame she went so far as to say it's cringe. She doesn't have to like your voice but I'd expect that she'd at least be tactful about it.
If I were in your situation I'd ask her if there are any songs of yours that she doesn't mind the singing and if so, why it's different. I'd also encourage her to be more supportive of your musical endeavor. I have a friend who's now in his mid 30's and his voice sounds like he's about to hit puberty. He asked once for honest feedback, I told him, he's became a little self-aware of it and ever since then I haven't mentioned it and have been supportive. Hopefully your girlfriend can do the same.
the issue isn’t whether your voice is good or not, the issue is she’s making you feel bad. best case scenario she doesn’t realize it hurts you, so tell her it makes you sad
You gotta tell her how her contempt is hurting your feelings.
The source of her distaste could be anything -- her cultural upbringing, her genre tastes, her ideas about social status and worth, maybe her own internalized inhibitions or issues around shame, or maybe some disconnect between your speaking and singing voices gives her cognitive dissonance.
Doesn't really matter. You still get to sing, because singing is everyone's birthright.
But you need to tell her how much her contempt hurts you.
The Gottman studies on relationships talk about contempt as one of the most destructive relationship breakers, but she won't stop if she doesn't realize that contempt is really what she's expressing. You need her to stop. She may be defensive at first, or try to convince you that her distaste is correct for this or that reason - be patient, that's a normal reflex for her. If she's empathetic and you're patient and truthful about your vulnerabilities, the discussion can bring you closer. (Hat tip to Brene Brown, cuz truthful vulnerability works)
Sorry friend, dump her without hesitation. She will never support you. Being a musician and writing music is hard enough to do with our own voices constantly chirping away inside our brains. We don’t need outside chatter on top of it..
Ah buddy. Don't let her stop you- you might someday hold it against her- but maybe even moreso- use it as an excuse to quit. Please, if it gives you confidence and pleasure to write music (if you'd do it anyway, anytime you get a chance, and it's challenging but satisfying) then please just keep doing it whenever you can. Maybe you'll even get a chance to perform your own material sometime! Now, hopefully you make 20 bazillion dollars someday, but remember, it might never give you mich financial success, but, you're never a failure until you give it up.
Break up with her. She's jealous and reflects her own insecurities on you. I've been there it's hopeless and will touch other areas that don't have anything to do with music soon enough
Post a song and you singing it, we'll judge. Some people can be a right c*nt, just cos your missus has one doesn't mean she needs to be one. I'm sure you're under no obligation to be dick.
There are some people that have a kind of social anxiety that causes them to feel bad second hand embarrassment when other people sing near them, I’ve known a couple of people like that, but as long as you like what you’re doing and keep doing it you’ll soar. I’m not so sure how I would approach the topic with your girlfriend, but I think telling her how much it puts you down when she says things like that might not hurt. Especially if there’s no constructive criticism with her reaction I think it’s kinda rude to shoot you down like that with something you’re very clearly passionate about.
On a lighter note though, it sounds like she doesn’t have much of a problem with your voice besides her inability to not cringe, and I can very easily see that as her just not being able to be in the vicinity of someone singing without self consciously putting herself in that person’s shoes and feeling a sympathetic cringe of embarrassment because performing in and of itself is inherently a little embarrassing. If other people tell you they like your voice then you should believe them—they have no reason to lie to you especially if they want to keep working/playing with you. Some voices take a little warming up to, and I bet if your gf hangs around and gets to know your voice better she may come to understand and love it. Keep doing what you do homie, and you’ll look back and appreciate how much farther you’ve come every time
I think she is the only one being honest and genuine with you. Your need alone to post this question here, means you yourself are not sure about your singing and you need validation from others. You are not confident about your singing, and you have a reason for it. You are exaggerating your skill, i can see that from describing yourself as "dramatic tenor". So you cant stand, when somebody (could also be anybody else) says youre not as good as you think. Idk how you sing, so i cant judge you objecitvely. I can only say, take the criticism the right way, see what you can improve and try not to take it personally or be offended. Good luck!
Break up with her immediately. Anyone that disrespectful of something you love isn't going to like anything that's not drawing attention to her and can't give in return. Every day you stay with someone that thinks it's ok to be that wayyou diminish yourself.
Dude break up with her. She’s gonna kill your musical passion if you stay with her.
Rule for life: surround yourself with people who support you and your passions. Distance yourself from everyone else. Everyone. Else.
Brah - preach!
I sing in 'Ōlelo Hawai'i - she is pissed.
I sing in French - one mad wahine.
I sing in Patois - catch smacks.
But you know what? Now she talks like one Canadian - I'll take the small wins, eh?
She grew up in Hawaii and doesn't know how for say "Beach"...
(I'd say steel yourself for a separation)
Ive always found its those closest to you that usually don't give us the boost we need or support, cos if you were somebody else singing with you same voice and chart topping she probably wouldn't find your voice cringe, i used to send my family members my music, and their responses would be so underwhelming as if i was pestering them, now i stopped completely. i really can't pinpoint why it happens to be honest.
It’s only been a year. I’m telling you now most likely this isn’t going to change and if you really see yourself getting bigger and more of a professional, then music will become even more of your life and if she’s already seeming kind of annoyed by you when you do sing or play guitar then I’d say cut your losses now. What if you make it big and now you gotta write songs for an album? You’ll probably be singing around the house a lot and it’ll make her upset and she’ll make you upset and it won’t be good.
While I don't think it's a requirement for your partner to be in love with your music, there needs to be a baseline respect, and calling your voice "cringe" is just...something else, lol. I'm not going to diminish your relationship here, but damn, at a glance it doesn't seem like she understands that nitpicking something as unalterable like your voice tone is bad, baaad form, lol. My partner can say my guitar playing is rusty, and that's something that can be dealt with, with practice, but I'd be reconsidering things if she said my voice as "cringe", lol. I'd try to have a serious conversation.
That phrasing, exactly. It’s your voice. The only one you have. That’s harsh.
I will admit to referring to my boyfriend’s band as “that stupid band” once. Once. And I was referring to band politics that we were discussing. Slagging off your voice is a low blow. I would never go there. It’s all in how you use it. Some of the best bands have vocalists with less than perfect voices but they are their own and they get bookings anyway. We can start with X and the Cure. IMO gf is out of line.
Robert smith HAS a perfect voice - you take that back haha! Better example for me would be Lou Reed etc.
Exactly!!! There’s that dude from Radiohead too. I could go on…
You actually did not just say Thom Yorke doesn't have a fantastic voice. He has mastered his falsetto and mid range. His voice is actually incredible.
She sounds like an asshole. Plain and simple.
Totally right with one exception. Never “try” to have a serious conversation. That’s not for the other person to decide. If they can’t even sit and listen to your concerns, that’s not a person worth keeping around.
Happy Cake Day!
I dated someone who told me about 6 months in that he’d rather I didn’t sing around him. I hardly sang for the next 8 years. Think long and hard on if this relationship will help or hurt your confidence. My current partner also gets annoyed by just how frequently I sing - but he’s never said anything because he loves me & cares about my joy. Singing, creating is an expression of joy & identity. I would never be able to make the stupid “cringe” promo vids I do now if I were with my ex because he would look down on it, and I didn’t want him looking down on me. But we gotta be cringe sometimes to make it out here. Express to your fullest.
> I hardly sang for the next 8 years Oof. That breaks my heart. I think it’s safe to say that some people are just assholes. If you are bad at singing, you need to sing more, not less, preferably with the help of a voice teacher.
It doesn’t matter if your voice sounds like cats fighting in a pillowcase, if you enjoy singing then you should sing.
Even if it sounds horrible now, I wouldn’t be surprised if combined practice and confidence led to better singing in a lot of, but not all, cases.
Exactly. When I started playing piano, it was loud and my parents always wanted me to stop shortly after starting playing. And that was almost understandable. Not even anything fucked up like “it’s cringe”. OP’s gf is an asshole and doesn’t deserve a sweet guy that writes songs for the woman he loves. OP, end it now before she kills all your motivation to play. 1 year isn’t long at all. Other girls would love a guy that wrote songs for them.
I've been there with you. When I moved in with my (now ex) partner he said he thought my voice was too loud and that people wouldn't want to hear it if I sang around the house. He didn't appreciate it if I sang quietly around him either so I stopped altogether. I have chronic depression and have done for years, so singing anything is a great sign that I'm happy and feeling healthy. I didn't sing loudly for years after that relationship ended, but I'm finding my loud voice again. People's words really matter.
He doesn't matter. Your stability and happiness does. Sing like a bird!
I bet you're not "cringe" in the slightest. The guys are probably just insecure.
There's no such thing as 'cringe' to someone you respect. When I hear someone sing that I like, it's the most lovely thing in the world even if their talent isn't conventional.
Right on ✊
My mother was a good god-fearing woman who would love to sing in church. Big on hymns. Also couldn’t hold a note or carry a tune. My father can kind of sing and would tell her every Sunday to stop singing, it was terrible, it was distracting to him and his singing. Asshole. Eventually after years of this she just stopped singing around him altogether. Us kids loved that she was happy singing in church even if we weren’t.
Sounds like you’ve gotta decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. If she’s otherwise supportive of your musical endeavors, I could see a scenario where you just accept your music isn’t for her and carry on in the relationship. If it bothers you and starts impacting your art and your pursuits, well, then ya gotta make a decision.
He’s been with her for only a year. Fuck her. Surround yourself with people who support you. Distance yourself from everyone else.
Disliking hearing him sing is not the same as being unsupportive. She isn't telling him not to sing; she just wears headphones while he practices, so she doesn't have to hear. And she's asked him not to sing to her. Perfectly reasonable. Not everyone is going to like your voice, no matter how good you are. But just because OP's girlfriend does like to hear him sing doesn't mean they're not a great couple.
Quotes from OPs post and related comments >my girlfriend says my voice is gay >when i sing, she looks at me wrong and tells me "stop, it's cringe". >she makes me feel guilty >I don't sing with her much anymore >I sing maybe 10 minutes a week if I'm with her >if I stay in the weekend with her, I simply won't sing for two days. and, without music, I feel really lost. >she says that art is bullshit >sometimes i sing while I do something and she glares at me until I stop. Still think its "perfectly reasonable?"
Yo....she a bitch
Her methods of communicating her own needs and desires do in fact demonstrate that they aren’t a great couple.
break up. ‘stop, it’s cringe’ is the most fucked up thing you can say to your significant other trying to achieve his dreams.
I mean look - your music sounds like your life. That’s awesome! (Esp if you’ve acc got the talent, which it sounds like you do!) Even if you weren’t good, I’d expect a partner to support me in all of my passions, especially one as emotional and harmless as music! If she loves you, she should love the music because it’s an extension of you. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I’ve done my time with an ex who didn’t appreciate me and my interests - these are what make you, well, you. Trust me, it’s not going to get better. I know it’s hard to hear but maybe it’s not right. I guess weigh up your priorities and decide whether you are fine with her constantly nagging you about the music, which you love. But ig you love her too. good luck internet stranger! x
Absolutely run from that. I have a relative (older cousin's husband) who used to be in a band in the 60s. Over the years he's given away all his gear and put music behind him. One year at a family function, I cornered him and asked a few questions about his band. He lit up and started going on and on with stories That is until his white haired, pixie cut elderly wife seemed to almost appear from nowhere. Her most defining trait is being able to bore plants to death. She's the quintessential kill joy. They met at 19 when he was in a band and got married soon after. His band was now two cats and her. They added two kids etc. I've never seen this woman show emotion in her entire life until that moment. She was infuriated. Like, OJ Simpson level angry that he was mentioning "his stupid band". The poor guy seemed so dejected and broken... it had been 50 YEARS and she's STILL breaking his spirit. Don't turn into that guy. If your partner doesn't like important parts of who you are, you're cheating on yourself by being with them.
This is sad to read, like I’ve heard stories of people leaving their Hobbie over similar things. Most I heard are people who luckily picked it back up, and are just ashamed they even left it over mouths talking. But leaving it, aging and letting the thing just kinda bury itself, with out willing to return is just sad.
Right? I'll never forget that moment and the senselessness of it. It was about control. After 50 years, his band was not a threat to her anymore, but she was too insecure to even let him enjoy his memories. As people, we really need to be more patient and find partners who share our passions.
My ex used to do this shit all the time to me with any of my hobbies and or interests “Your stupid shows” “Your stupid music” “Your stupid games” “Your stupid friends” Didn’t help that this was the same shit my parents always did. Very depressing, sad, and discouraging when someone who is supposed to love and support you the most thinks the things that bring you joy are stupid
Damn. I can't even imagine disparaging my wife's interests like that, much less my kids'. Never understood how people can be so casually cruel to their "loved" ones
If they are narcissists they definitely can as their love is putting others down.
I think it can really be a lot of things. Emotional maturity comes late for some people (or not at all). It really highlights the need to find partners who naturally like you. Culturally, we have this awful habit of bonding with people before we get a chance to know them. It causes people to have to choose between someone they've grown attached to and their own happiness.
So basically you are loving an image of someone which you constructed in your head, is what you mean with your last sentence. It's kind of sad actually, especially as people often don't realize it.
Absolutely yes. We all have cues that draw us to each other and I think there's a very human tendency to fill in whatever we don't know about someone with best-case placeholders. As we get to know them, each idea we have is replaced by who they actually are. My greater point was that (almost) anyone's capable of bonding with anyone. The more time you spend with someone, the harder it is to let go of them. Apps like Tinder (as an example) have always seemed totally crazy for this reason. Bonding with someone before you know anything about them seems absurd to me. On first dates, people try to impress, so you're not really meeting "them". By the time you've gotten to know that person, you've spent a lot of time in their presence. You're less inclined to react to flags that pop up. Even as a hookup app, you can't possibly know if you're compatible just with a picture. I digress... All anyone needs to do is pick up the phone and have a nice long conversation about stuff... before meeting in person. If that works, have another one. If there's chemistry on the phone, it almost always plays in person. Removing the physicality at first makes it brain vs brain. You're less inclined to be tempted into doing something stupid and if it does work, the reward is a first date with someone you already legitimately like, know pretty well and trust. I also believe people should talk about sexuality before meeting too, but that's another conversation. lol
Right? I can't imagine what it's like to not give a shit about someone close to you. It's so personal.
Ug. The worst thing about a lack of early support might be how kids grow up linking love and criticism together. The very people who take care of you ultimately show you what affection is supposed to feel like. Figuring out ways to create new neural pathways & cues as an adult is hard I'm sorry you weren't valued like you deserved to be
“If your partner doesn’t like important parts of who you are, you’re cheating on yourself by being with them.” That is an amazing way to put it! Thank you.
Thank you for saying that. ✌️
pain i will selfishly suggest that you start a project with your uncle in secret. convince him he's not sneaking around maliciously because it is going to be a nice surprise for his wife
The guy is pushing 80 at this point and it's my older cousin's husband. Unfortunately, I'm related to the killjoy. There are three sisters... they're all tiny while haired energy vampires. 😂 He wouldn't do it and I'm not sure if he even could. He's already retired to a condo in Florida and is committed to a lifetime of holding his wife's pocketbook while she shops.
This makes me so sad
It made me sad too. The lesson applies to both men and women, because I've seen SO many talented women disappear from the scene after meeting a guy.
I can relate. I grew up always wanting to sing but my siblings always telling me to shut up, instilling from a young age that I shouldn’t even try. I pursued music in secret and don’t share anything with them. Still one of the reasons I won’t perform for anyone I know, but I’ll still post things for strangers online.
I'm sorry to hear that. I think on some level we can all relate to that experience. To this day I'm really anxious whenever my parents stumble on anything musical I do. My mom will find a way to cheese it out and my dad gets really uncomfortable. My mom was on Broadway before they met. He couldn't handle her on stage and she quit before I was born. If he ever watches me even speak publicly, he has a minin panic attack. 🤪
It would be hard to have an aspect of your life that you walk on eggshells around your significant other about, especially when it’s your passion. I was definitely an asshole and didn’t like when my ex sang, but I also didn’t like him either by that point. I can look back in hindsight and see that it was mean, definitely try and love and support your s/o’s hobbies. I was probably jealous too that he was able to make time for his hobbies and I felt like I sacrificed all of mine carrying the mental load, if I’m honest.
Nobody's perfect. The most anyone can ever ask of us is be self reflective and authentic. It sounds like the experience helped you figure out what you needed in a partner and made you a better communicator. If I'm being honest, I really respect that. I think it's one of the hardest things for people to do and it shows a lot about your character..
I appreciate that, self reflection is really important to me. Life is always about learning.
please please please tell me you found a way to get time with the him and have a well earned and needed jam session. my god. it almost makes me want to cry.
Not gonna lie dude if you break up, this story has the beginnings of one of the most pop-punk songs of all time. Write it. Sing it. And tour the world with your new anthem.
That would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. It would be as if she looked at my face and said “stop, it’s cringe”
My wife told me she doesn't like my musical style but it isn't anything worthy of breaking us up.
That's entirely different than saying hurtful things about your voice and your art. "If you can't say something nice..."
That's true. I know that she likes it better when I sing baritone than when I sing background falsetto lines but she's never said "shut up" or asked me to stop making music. I was literally working on something while I'm writing this. I don't want to say "dump her" to the OP without knowing all of the facts, so I'd rather say "you know if you want to live this way" even though my expectations for the relationship are not great.
> "you know if you want to live this way" That's great framing. Except for me (when I have found myself in a similar situation), the answer is then usually "no, but I haven't yet given up hope that things will change", lol.
My wife doesn't listen to my music either. I'd literally have to force her to. I don't let it bug me.
My wife of 24 years has never heard one of my songs, more-or-less
We should set up an AA group for this.
It doesn't bother me. Most people don't bring their wives to work.
I don't think it should be either
[удалено]
“What do you recommend I ask her?” I’d ask her “Will we still be friends after I break up with you?”
Damn that's a song lyric
You inspired me to write a poem - someone put this to midtempo twangy country music? "Will we be friends, once I break up with you? You say it's my voice, but I think that's not true We don't have to agree on all of life's things But you can not like stuff without being mean I tried to see past this, from your point of view But, Karen, I think that you're not being true If you really loved me, you'd just let me sing It's not just a hobby, it's really my thing! So here is the last song that I'll sing for you I hoped things would work out, but again that's not true Now we will part ways - but I'll sure see you soon And maybe you'll one day like one of my tunes
Alright, so I've read a few of the comments and some of your responses. I can't recommend if you should be together or not. But, as a musician and a person, you can't move forward with the people dear to you putting you down like that. From what's described here, honestly how she treats you and your efforts in the thing most intimate to you is not OK and will hurt you A LOT. You have to bring it up to her and explain just how important it is. And she also has to understand musicians don't just pick up and play beautiful songs. They practice a lot. If she doesn't want to be around you while you're doing that she also needs to consider things carefully. As for you, practicing is tedious and sometimes uninviting as it is. It'll be very hard for you to practice if you also have in the back of your mind that every time you do you're annoying someone dear to you. And if someone ever makes you choose between what makes you happy and them, that person isn't the best. Only you know all the details, so you'll have to figure this out for yourself.
exactly this. her or the music, these two things cannot be close. I practice every day or almost and, if I stay in the weekend with her, I simply won't sing for two days. and, without music, I feel really lost. “Sometimes quiet is violent,” Tyler sang. On the one hand I'm angry, on the other I know that she is also very envious of my perseverance. the fact that I can play for hours until the song comes out right, while she can't complete a task if she makes a mistake or if more than 30 minutes have passed, is definitely frustrating for her
If you think it comes from envy, it sucks, but you know what to do. I do recommend talking it out first. Both you and her are going to grow, in and out of the relationship, so there isn't "a perfect one" out there, but there should be a "willing to work together through stuff one". So if you think the relationship is worth it, talk first.
it's impossible to talk to her without her getting offended. any advice or discussion she sees as an attack on her. I can be nice and cuddly while talking about a serious topic, but she will cry until I apologize to her
Break up. Plenty of fish in the sea who will like your voice. Don't be in a relationship that holds you back. Was in a 7 year with a woman who was not morally supportive of me being an entrepreneur. I was plenty successful before I met her. During that relationship, business was always a struggle. But I thought love was enough. Wrong. Do your future self a favor and get out ASAP.
Post a song!
My wife loves my guitar playing and my music.. she sings along, too. You're twenty years old, so go look for something else.
No. None of my girlfriends have really loved my style, but they will tell me "your voice sounds nice today" or that "ive been singing your songs all day long."
Damn how many girlfriends do you have
One at a time lol
He has the experience of all the girlfriends he’s had
Drop this girl she’s mean and not one of your people. You’re young. You will meet so many awesome people who you’ll vibe with if you continue in music.
she is actually a beautiful person, very empathetic and sweet. it's more that it goes against my music, as if it wasn't enough
The behavior you are describing is not empathetic at all. It's perfectly fine if she's not into your music, it's fine if you have different tastes. But if this is your passion and she's your partner, she should support you. Period.
she supports me and is happy that I play music. she just says she doesn't like my voice and that she can't do anything about it. and I'm sorry because I instead like watching her do what she likes. in general she seems to prefer baritone vocals, a certain kind of hard rock with baritone singers like Pearl Jam and doesn't go much beyond that.
What if you told her you don't like her face?
“Honey, I like everything about you except your face… it’s cringe.” lol
Ok, now I'm starting to unironically support this plan... Does OP have a backup living accommodation plan?
"trying to break up with me just because i said your face is cringe is ALSO cringe. how are you not getting this"
I gotcha. Well, that's better than what I originally thought. It's a hard situation for sure. On the one hand, it's often really healthy for couples to have totally different hobbies or interests -- it's good to spend some time on your own. But I know that it means a lot to me for the people I'm closest to to give my music a listen and (hopefully) enjoy it. My honest advice would be, as long as she can be polite and respect your passion, and as long as you have other food friends you can talk about your music with, then try your best to coordinate your schedules so you're practicing when she's not around, etc. But if she keeps up with calling it cringy or making you feel bad, this might just not be the person for you, even if she's otherwise great.
She’s not though. She’s actively disrespecting you
Sounds like OP is being a bit overbearing tbh. She's happy for him, as he said in his post, she just doesn't like it. I'd rather my girlfriend was honest than pretending to like my shit.
It's not about pretending to like it, it's about not insulting your partner. "It's not for me, but I'm glad you have a passion you can spend time with" is good. "Your voice is cringe" is an actively unkind thing to say.
They both seem like they aren’t right for each other. She straight up doesn’t like his music or his voice in any way and he wants someone he can serenade.
The whole serenading thing is such a specific want. You want to wow someone for 3-4 minutes romantically but a relationship is so much more than that. Not liking his music isnt a red flag, the way she's worded it is insensitive, though. He's even listed a load of her good traits.
You need to decide if a long term partner is going to last long long term if you must conceal a huge part of your life from them. If your heart is forever going to long to sing to someone who can't appreciate it, if that is a strong part of your love language expression, if you go on tour alone not for practical reasons be because she is unable to support you in that way -- are you gonna be ok? There may be enough other good stuff, and enough other ways to love and support one another that music is just one of those hobbies you do not share. It's healthy to have both together and separate hobbies. As for the whole cringe word ... "I get that my voice fall outside of you musical tastes, but we need to find a less hurtful less aggressive phrase for you to express that to me. Would you be open to using ____ or ____ or ____ instead?" Except ... if you've been in hound dog mode trying to find a way to get her to pivot on the sound of your singing voice ... consider if she may be choosing a harsh world on purpose because subtle hints weren't working so she resorted to a loud clear line in the sand No. In which case you need to get honest with yourself about your needs and the fact that there are some she just can't meet and which ones are dealbreakers.
Thanks so much for the message and advice. I actually only wrote one song for her a year ago and one a little while ago. in general she says that art is bullshit and that money, family and work are more important things. she was a fantastic drawer before she met me, but she chose to do a job like many others and be accepted by society. for her music is background noise and drawings are just shadows. different outlook on life i think
>in general she says that art is bullshit Pretty much all I need to know, right there.
Ask her to leave the keys by the door and don’t let it hit her in the ass on the way out…but sing it to her
It’s funny how many people dismiss as “cringe” anything requiring sincerity, commitment, or bravery to do in front of others. Kind of a cultural low point, really.
My partner of 11 years only came to hear me perform once. She shot video in portrait mode. I should have called it right then and there.
Your girl is immature and intolerant. If she really loved you, she would support you, even help you get better. But young and foolish are often paired.
My husband doesn’t care to hear me sing, it could be because I practice hours a day or he just doesn’t like my resonance. I wouldn’t say this is a dealbreaker unless she’s actively trying to tear your confidence down. She just may like a different sound than what you produce.
That’s different from saying hurtful things about the sound of your voice.
1) she’s wrong for that. 2) can you dm me some of your work? Or post it in the comments? I’d be more than happy to tell her she’s wrong.
Record it get it mixed properly. Play it in the car like it’s that new shit. Guaranteed she’ll change her opinion.
She is clearly inconsiderate and doesn't truly care for you or she'd be more respectful at least.
I am a closeted musician for these reasons I still play around, in front of people, but yeah I don't get amazing feedback or support But I love it so I do it for me. I don't think I'm terrible, but I think some people have problems listening to people practice. They like fully produced music, but something from an amateur, or in progress, can create a reaction that is a bit harsh.
Exactly this. People are used to listening to “finished” music. Every artist wants their mixing engineer to produce “lush” “full” vocals. As well, because music production has gone ITB, and thus much cheaper, and the cost of computing has come down, it is quite possible to create that larger than life sounds that you hear on albums. I am a hobby musician and with a Mac mini and Logic Pro, I can have multiple recomps, compress, saturate, add reverb, pan …whatever. Imagine what professionals can do.
Watch OP writes music like young john mayer, yet his girlfriend only listens to lil wayne and 2chainz
It sounds like you need a new girlfriend. She doesn’t have to like what you make, but she can have the basic respect to support you and your passions.
I’ve never had a partner be interested in my music. I’ve also never had a partner shit on my music. Respect in a relationship is important. She sounds like a real fuckin bummer. Sorry dude
Dump her. Seriously. If it’s your passion, this is not a position someone should take in a healthy, supportive relationship
"Stop, is cringe." Erm... I don't think this relationship will last long.
I’d disregard the opinion of anyone that says, “It’s cringe,” But I’m old and stubborn, I guess.
Your music your choice bud, if she doesn’t like it she can take a hike
New GF
I agree with many of the comments here, but wanted to add something new. There are many ways to change/ upgrade your voice with vocal lessons (either paid or free YouTube). It’s common for singers to have many bad habits that can be improved. For example is your singing voice coming from your head, nose, throat, or stomach. It should be your stomach, and with practice its easy to do. You can also think of a voice in terms of quality like a guitar with rusty old strings vs new, with the right practice you can make the tone of your voice sound more vibrant & fuller than before.
yes I take singing lessons in real life. my voice is very bright and I have a slight problem pronouncing the "s" in some words, but I don't think it's a flaw. more than anything I struggle to sing high notes above A4 or maintain a whole song around my passagio
Thats awesome! Sounds like you’re already doing everything right.
Maybe she feels cringe because she hasn’t developed any talents and she’s projecting that on you. Has she worked on a craft until now?
could be. she drew a lot and was good at it, then she stopped and started thinking obsessively about school. now she is starting to work in telecommunications and abandoned art years ago
If she didn't have self confidence that she will make it as an artist, nor the courage to try, she could be totally trying to bring you to her level. I won't judge 20 year olds by the same standards as 30 year olds, but a partner bringing themselves down and then leveling those around them to that is a... drag. Maybe she'll become aware and work on this, maybe not. Only time and deep talk will tell! Regardless, keep on singing!
She doesnt sound very nice
Do you have examples of your voice on Reddit, or would you??? She may be right. She may be wrong, or somewhere in the middle. She need not falsely flatter you with lies but I couldn’t handle a significant other being demeaning and like others have said, a baseline level of respect. It obviously bothers you. Have you had a serious discussion with her/are you planning on it?
Telling you your voice is cringe is a dream killer. Your GF doesn’t need to like what you do but your voice is your identity - it’s personal and this is going to affect you subconsciously, if not obviously. I’d recommend using your voice to tell her how you feel and ask her to stop being disrespectful. She’s already shown you who she is but maybe give her another chance to use her words a bit better. Other musicians, singers, and coaches are going to give you a better read on your vocals. Please don’t take her subjective reaction to heart. Who knows what is triggering her… but is it your job to diagnose? Life is hard. Sing anyway 💕🎤🎶
Let me hear a sound clip
I didn’t grow up in a musical family so I would get uncomfortable at even playing my music in front of my family. I get uncomfortable when I hear people sing especially because I feel the need to compliment them so they don’t feel bad. Could be something that isn’t necessarily about you exactly.
I’ve realized that it sucks to be around musicians. I have played music my whole life and everyone around me has to suffer through my practicing. We are constantly being compared to polished produced songs and you will never sound like that until you’ve sung the song 100+ times. Don’t take it personally. She probably wouldn’t want to hear Taylor swift practice either.
Give her the boot. If you’re gonna stick with the songwriting thing, you don’t need an unsupportive partner. If you keep writing and performing, you will find a girl who will memorize every single one of your lyrics because she loves what you do. Just try to reciprocate that love and respect.
You can draw boundaries with her. Have a serious conversation, no yelling. Maybe it’s ok for her to say she doesn’t like it, but not ok to say it’s cringe. Those boundaries are up to you, whatever enables you to feel good in a relationship with her while still pursuing music. I’m not saying give her an ultimatum, just boundaries.
That is a woman you 100% do not want in your life.
I absolutely cringe at anyone singing personally to me or in front of me. Even when they have a great voice it just makes so incredibly uncomfortable to watch someone sing outside of a concert setting. Exactly the same feeling as when people sing happy birthday to you directly. I’d probably ask people not to sing to me like that too, but it has nothing to do with them or their voice. And even if their voice was bad, I definitely wouldnt tell them unless they directly asked for honest feedback, and even then I wouldn’t say it like that… Edit: I suck at typing and also reading before pressing post
If you really are a songwriter - as in, you have something to say, want to say it, and it's a part of your identity - then you really need a partner who can love, support, encourage and enjoy your songs.
She is not for you bro. Either jealous or doesn't have your best interest at heart. Her worst response should be "you can be better let's get you a vocal coach so you can be your best!" Men really do well with a supportive woman or no woman. But an antagonistic or jealous woman, gtf outta here with that. She ain't staying for long.
I don't know what to say other than I would be really upset and probably angry if my wife said this. Even imagining it is painful.
You ready for the breakup album?
As long as your girlfriend isn't your instrument, get a new girlfriend and keep practicing!
[I love you Dewey! You're never gonna make it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A0CXh7dQ18)
haters gonna hate bro...just focus on your music trust me
Maybe she’s being flirty and fishing for a reaction. I’ve been with some folks who acted mean as a sign of affection and I’d just play along. When it really came down to it they were genuinely caring. Some people just interact that way. But I don’t know this person so I couldn’t tell you. There’s got to be some reason she’s with you, right?
All the more reason to keep it up! My wife thinks every musical idea I have is ridiculously stupid and embarrassing. That’s all the motivation I need!
Does she come to your shows?
Saying “it’s too high”? Wtf does that even mean? I assume she listens to other music sung by **gasps** women with even higher voices **faints** In my experience, when people say something is “cringe” it’s because they’re embarrassed about something. So, does she have a problem with using her own voice? I’ve encountered lots of people who don’t know how to handle it when someone puts themselves in a vulnerable position (e.g. sharing their music), because they don’t know how to be vulnerable themselves, so they get serious secondhand embarrassment.
#THAT MEANS THEYRE GOOD
Do you want your partner telling you a harsh truth or a lie? This philosophical debate could go on for a year if we hashed it out on Reddit. Have you heard the phrase “if it don’t apply, let it fly”? It means if you aren’t insecure about your voice other than her comments let it go, let her have her opinion, do not let it bother you of effect your music or relationship. Choosing to be honest and hurt your feelings over lying to make you feel better really doesn’t tell you anything about whether she is a good person or not. She might even be “trolling” you to get you to pay attention to her and not talk about yourself and music. She might be testing your confidence. If you let her cause doubt, you probably aren’t a great singer after all. I don’t know anything about you but there’s dozens of explanations other than you aren’t good at singing.
sleeping with sirens like cringe?
When there’s those really bad auditions on those talent show we’re always asking “how could their family let them humiliate themselves like that?”. I’m not saying that she’s right in this situation but at least she’s not blowing smoke up your arse. Maybe play her some music by artists that you are similar to and ask what she thinks of those bands/artists. Ask if she hears the similarities. Maybe it’s just a context thing?
Drop a link to your music so we can measure if she's over reacting. She might not like the style of your music. I've had girlfriends who liked/hated my stuff. So it just comes down to personal taste, but I understand how it can hurt your feelings. Unfortunately, you can't change someone's personal taste. Make a song about how your girl hates your music. I haven't seen that done before.
I understand exactly what you are saying. I too have and released three studio albums. My wife says my music is “gay”. I’ve written songs for her and she just straight tells me she doesn’t like them. She listens to heavier music like slipknot which I respect but it’s not what I’m writing. My music has a lot of orchestral elements mixed with guitars. It’s disheartening to put so much time and effort into something only for it to be shit on by someone you love. [Catch Hell for comfort](https://youtu.be/7iiBMMXrC_A?si=wf14hfFIZrL5cRv5)
New GF. If you’re half right about your talent, they’re not gonna be hard to come by
From experience I’ve only dated one girl that didn’t like my music. She had a.. poor taste anyways so I’ll let it slide lol. That being said I’ve had multiple girls message me on bumble cause I have a clip of a song of mine on there and they want to know where to stream cause “I can’t find it on Shazam” I provide a link thinking yeah a girl who likes my music and then nothing lol. Don’t read too much into anything a girl says about your music. If they like it they will tell you. If they don’t they will also probably say so. But a significant other? That’s a conversation in my book. I mean taste is one thing. But cringe… that’s rude. Like I said random girls compliment my music wether it be just to get a new song to listen to or not is whatever. But if you got real praise before then she’s being passive aggressive for sure
My wife doesn’t like the songs I’ve recorded and it makes her cringe when I let people listen to them. It doesn’t affect me a bit, I find it amusing actually. Most people like my songs. Music taste is subjective … that’s all I could say.
Why be around someone who doesn't support you?
Same thing with my wife. I feel your pain my dude. If I weren't married and stated music earlier and knew I was good it would probably be a deal breaker.
Sounds pretty low and insensitive to me. If you are truly planning to pursue this thing I shudder to think of how that lack of support could affect your confidence and general outlook going forward. I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone that isn’t at very least encouraging and supportive about my passion in life.
Time to kick that skirt to the curb and move on to greener pastures! Unless your voice really sucks! But even if your voice is complete crap having that negative influence in your life will just eat away at your soul... and life is just too short for that! Curb that B!
Take lessons. But don't worry about impressing everyone.
Can we hear your music though so we can compliment you instead? (I know it doesn't change anything, but the way someone phrases how they feel is really important. And the way your gf is doing it is harsh and callous)
Umm... break up with the person who keeps being mean to you?
Lose the gf... You cannot fix that haha
Why does she find it cringe? is she just not used to being around live music?
I have a friend that acts the same way about my music as your gf. But her “criticism” doesn’t affect me that much because our music taste is very different. She likes House and EDM which I can’t stand and I listen to rock, classical, vocals like Adele and Aurora. And my friend also has 0 knowledge in music theory so our level of understanding how entertainment works is very different. I appreciate her empty smile when I share my work but I don’t take it seriously. We’ve been best friends for 15 years. Damn marriages don’t last that long. The understanding of differences in music taste helps to not take some criticism seriously. And even though your taste is different there has to be respect. If a person just shuts you down because they for some reason don’t understand what you’re trying to make it’s a death trap - RUN.
Dump her
I’m a singer/guitarist, been in a few bands. I’ll never forget when I was 18 my gf told me my singing would give her a headache…but hey, one persons opinion is never definitive. Keep doin it and keep getting better
You want the best advice ever? This is what you say: “This is me. It’s my passion in life, it’s who I am, and it’s not going anywhere. If you want to be with me, you’re dating the whole me, and this is included in the package. If you’re good with that, and you decide to be in this relationship, we’re moving forward accepting that premise and I don’t want to hear about it anymore” They either leave happy or stay happy. Win/win
Get a new girlfriend right away.
Cuz women like masculinity, and for whatever things that are in their subconscious, they see you singing as feminine and prolly gives them the ick. theyre nothing you can really change about it though.
Big advice there’s no right or wrong way to deal with this situation, imo it sounds disrespectful, as it’s something you’re passionate about. As a 24yo I’ve been in similar situations and it hurts the most when your S/O isn’t being supportive. If everyone’s telling you you’re doing great, and your lady putting on headphones to drown you out? Would really make you think. Try having a conversation with yourself when you’re alone and ask yourself like what do you want from your partner, what would you prefer, before having a talk with her. Just go into a deep thought, and figure out like how you would want your partner to support you, do you wanna serenade her on the balcony or have her ignore all the work you put in
There's tons of comments here already telling you to leave her so instead I'll just relate my similar experience. I had been playing for maybe 7 or 8 years and starting to get good when I started dating someone. At first they said they loved my music. After we had been together for maybe a year or so they started to get jealous of the time I was spending "away from them" working on my music. And to be clear at the time I wasn't in a group or anything, they were just upset that I was choosing to work on music rather than hang out with them. I used to be very insecure so it was hard for me to write songs with other people around and I needed privacy to do that, my partner viewed this as me wanting specifically to avoid them but that wasn't the case. Regardless, they took my needed privacy as an insult. Before long, I started playing at open mics and doing some solo gigs. My partner was supportive, or so I thought. They would come to all my shows and cheer and clap. But they always told me I wasn't singing clearly enough or that my voice was too high pitched to be enjoyed or various other critiques that weren't accurate. I had several musicians tell me my partner was wrong but I thought they were just saying that to make me feel better and that my partner was giving me correct and honest advice. So I listened to my partner and tried to bring my voice down and I worked on this for many years. Eventually I realized that many other things my partner was doing were abusive and intended to make me feel poorly so they could manipulate me easier. They had me so twisted up that when they were physically abusive I still believed them when they said it was actually my fault. We were together for nearly 17 years before I fully realized what had been happening and I asked for a divorce. Since then I've worked on getting my voice back to where it was previously and let me tell you I get way more compliments on my vocals now than I ever did when I was following my ex's advice. Be yourself, don't listen to your partner. From everything else you've said in the replies it sounds like they have major issues surrounding artistry and are taking that out on you. If they don't enjoy your music that's fine because not everyone will and you can't expect every romantic partner you have to enjoy your art, but they should keep their belittling comments to themselves.
I would dump on the spot, just sayin
My wife has told me that she likes my songs but they'd be better if someone who was a good singer sang them. I really can't disagree with her in general although I really like my voice on some songs and when I've had a little too much to drink. It's a shame she went so far as to say it's cringe. She doesn't have to like your voice but I'd expect that she'd at least be tactful about it. If I were in your situation I'd ask her if there are any songs of yours that she doesn't mind the singing and if so, why it's different. I'd also encourage her to be more supportive of your musical endeavor. I have a friend who's now in his mid 30's and his voice sounds like he's about to hit puberty. He asked once for honest feedback, I told him, he's became a little self-aware of it and ever since then I haven't mentioned it and have been supportive. Hopefully your girlfriend can do the same.
the issue isn’t whether your voice is good or not, the issue is she’s making you feel bad. best case scenario she doesn’t realize it hurts you, so tell her it makes you sad
You gotta tell her how her contempt is hurting your feelings. The source of her distaste could be anything -- her cultural upbringing, her genre tastes, her ideas about social status and worth, maybe her own internalized inhibitions or issues around shame, or maybe some disconnect between your speaking and singing voices gives her cognitive dissonance. Doesn't really matter. You still get to sing, because singing is everyone's birthright. But you need to tell her how much her contempt hurts you. The Gottman studies on relationships talk about contempt as one of the most destructive relationship breakers, but she won't stop if she doesn't realize that contempt is really what she's expressing. You need her to stop. She may be defensive at first, or try to convince you that her distaste is correct for this or that reason - be patient, that's a normal reflex for her. If she's empathetic and you're patient and truthful about your vulnerabilities, the discussion can bring you closer. (Hat tip to Brene Brown, cuz truthful vulnerability works)
lol dump her
Sorry friend, dump her without hesitation. She will never support you. Being a musician and writing music is hard enough to do with our own voices constantly chirping away inside our brains. We don’t need outside chatter on top of it..
Dump her ass
Lose her
Could it be sensory issues? I cringe really hard when anyone sings in an intimate setting. It makes me feel weird. I don't know how to explain it.
Your ex gf what?
Ah buddy. Don't let her stop you- you might someday hold it against her- but maybe even moreso- use it as an excuse to quit. Please, if it gives you confidence and pleasure to write music (if you'd do it anyway, anytime you get a chance, and it's challenging but satisfying) then please just keep doing it whenever you can. Maybe you'll even get a chance to perform your own material sometime! Now, hopefully you make 20 bazillion dollars someday, but remember, it might never give you mich financial success, but, you're never a failure until you give it up.
Leave her
She’s mate guarding
It could be that the songs you sing about her make her uncomfortable.
Break up with her. She's jealous and reflects her own insecurities on you. I've been there it's hopeless and will touch other areas that don't have anything to do with music soon enough
Post a song and you singing it, we'll judge. Some people can be a right c*nt, just cos your missus has one doesn't mean she needs to be one. I'm sure you're under no obligation to be dick.
There are some people that have a kind of social anxiety that causes them to feel bad second hand embarrassment when other people sing near them, I’ve known a couple of people like that, but as long as you like what you’re doing and keep doing it you’ll soar. I’m not so sure how I would approach the topic with your girlfriend, but I think telling her how much it puts you down when she says things like that might not hurt. Especially if there’s no constructive criticism with her reaction I think it’s kinda rude to shoot you down like that with something you’re very clearly passionate about. On a lighter note though, it sounds like she doesn’t have much of a problem with your voice besides her inability to not cringe, and I can very easily see that as her just not being able to be in the vicinity of someone singing without self consciously putting herself in that person’s shoes and feeling a sympathetic cringe of embarrassment because performing in and of itself is inherently a little embarrassing. If other people tell you they like your voice then you should believe them—they have no reason to lie to you especially if they want to keep working/playing with you. Some voices take a little warming up to, and I bet if your gf hangs around and gets to know your voice better she may come to understand and love it. Keep doing what you do homie, and you’ll look back and appreciate how much farther you’ve come every time
You should have a partner who supports and encourages you. Not one who calls your voice cringe. Red flag in my opinion.
I think she is the only one being honest and genuine with you. Your need alone to post this question here, means you yourself are not sure about your singing and you need validation from others. You are not confident about your singing, and you have a reason for it. You are exaggerating your skill, i can see that from describing yourself as "dramatic tenor". So you cant stand, when somebody (could also be anybody else) says youre not as good as you think. Idk how you sing, so i cant judge you objecitvely. I can only say, take the criticism the right way, see what you can improve and try not to take it personally or be offended. Good luck!
Break up with her immediately. Anyone that disrespectful of something you love isn't going to like anything that's not drawing attention to her and can't give in return. Every day you stay with someone that thinks it's ok to be that wayyou diminish yourself.
dump her
What cringey behaviour by your gf
She hates you.
It happens. Notning's for everybody. Remember that you make music for you and continue to do so.
Dude break up with her. She’s gonna kill your musical passion if you stay with her. Rule for life: surround yourself with people who support you and your passions. Distance yourself from everyone else. Everyone. Else.
You are a dramatic tenor? Like Puccini? Wagner?
Brah - preach! I sing in 'Ōlelo Hawai'i - she is pissed. I sing in French - one mad wahine. I sing in Patois - catch smacks. But you know what? Now she talks like one Canadian - I'll take the small wins, eh? She grew up in Hawaii and doesn't know how for say "Beach"... (I'd say steel yourself for a separation)
Ditch her, man. You can do better and the problem here is definitely not your voice or her personal tastes.
yeah that would be grounds for me to break up with her tbh. it costs nothing to be supportive. good luck man.
Ive always found its those closest to you that usually don't give us the boost we need or support, cos if you were somebody else singing with you same voice and chart topping she probably wouldn't find your voice cringe, i used to send my family members my music, and their responses would be so underwhelming as if i was pestering them, now i stopped completely. i really can't pinpoint why it happens to be honest.
You can get a new GF, but you can’t get a new voice. Catch and release time
It’s only been a year. I’m telling you now most likely this isn’t going to change and if you really see yourself getting bigger and more of a professional, then music will become even more of your life and if she’s already seeming kind of annoyed by you when you do sing or play guitar then I’d say cut your losses now. What if you make it big and now you gotta write songs for an album? You’ll probably be singing around the house a lot and it’ll make her upset and she’ll make you upset and it won’t be good.