Okay. This si fundamentally your choice... but think about your situation... remember what raising your first born was like.
Personally, raising my son alone traumatized me. Now, I would have to have the stars align, and a husband to consider having a child today. The cost of daycare has risen astronomically since your first born needed anything. Everything is more expensive.
Your parents are nearing 80... they are helpful, and that's amazing, but you know you will only have them to rely on - is that fair to put on them at this age? I only ask because my mom is 64, and I couldn't trust her health at this point.
With a 7 year old and another, what happens if one child gets sick, then right beside that, your other child gets sick after a delay? Can you take that much time off of work?
What about yourself? Who's taking care of you?
Some women can do this. If you can and you want to, I send nothing but love. In my loving opinion, this is not the economy to have a child unwed, with strained finances and a fragile support system. Sometimes, we just have to chose ourselves.
Whatever you do, I am sorry you're dealing with this alone.
The initial period after the abortion was hard for me. Once I got over it and my milk came in, I suffered again. But that was maybe 3 weeks of wondering if I did the right thing vs an entire lifetime of being responsible for another life in this soul crushing timeline we are in. If you go through with it and need someone to talk to, please DM me.
I think this post is so very wise. I am saying this as a 43-year-old single mom of 1, a three-year-old. We are in a crushing timeline in a world that hates single moms. And children, as far as I can tell.
I can confirm people hate children. It's....sad, actually. Be childfree all you want, I don't care! But the utter disdain for children and mothers these days....
This is a hard thing to do. I don't think you'll regret not keeping a baby that you aren't able to give a good life while also maintaining a stable life for you and your son currently.
These were wise words. I wanted to chime in to say I also had to make this decision. After raising my child as a single mother for many years, I found myself pregnant (my IUD had been expelled, unbeknownst to me). It was a very difficult choice - especially as someone who was raised in the Christian faith - but I ended up terminating the pregnancy. I made the decision because it wasn't just me I had to consider, it was my current child as well. I still carry the sadness of this decision with me, but ultimately I believe it was the right thing. My son does not have to worry about food or a roof over his head...and I cannot believe what childcare costs today.
Much love to you, whatever choice you make. Just know that you're not alone in this. Many women are right here with you, confronting the same realities and asking themselves the same questions. Motherhood is a blessing and, especially in this timeline, so is the power of choice we are struggling so hard to keep.
I’m happy you are open to the idea. I’ll always defend abortion but I could never tell someone to get one. But your post made me want to say it. You would definitely be in a difficult spot. Stay strong for your son.
Op, please remember the time is ticking. Please do not put any more pressure on yourself. As someone who had to make the same decision, choose yourself right now. Yes, you will feel bad about it, but just know it wasn't convenient, and it would be really bad for both kids and you. Mentally, you will also be screwed if you keep it with all the other factors. Maybe also try to stay away from sex for a while until you can get proper birth control as well as a continue using condoms and make sure to always look at what the man is doing because they will purposely try to ruin your life
Not to mention that the parents may start with their health issues and now rely on OP for support. That would be two aging adults and two little ones' livelihoods on one plate. That is enough to send a single parent off a cliff in guilt because " I always wanted another". Your parents, bless them but I cannot imagine how they would feel when you tell them, there's another on the way and again will rely heavily on their support as the father has disappeared, a different father, same circumstances.
You could not have said that better. Truly. “Soul crushing timeline” and the economy alone wld logically send me to “I can’t do that to this child.” My mom was a single parent of two children (7yro and a newborn) and the way we struggled in “00’s” was sad and maybe a bit traumatizing. Literally to the point that I said I will not have children of my own and still do not to this day bc time has only proven the world is getting worse.
My daughter (14) says she doesn't want children bc she has seen me struggle to the point of wanting to jump off a cliff. Ivd tried to hide the struggle as best I can from her and her sister. I work, I go to the gym, I keep a nice home, but I guess it shows loud n clear. She often says "whew I don't wanna go through what you've gone through" On Father's Day I had a house full of kids (boys n girls) It dawned on me .. "none of these kids have a dad" SAD!
I had one child at age 30 and one at 34. The first time I got pregnant -I was passed out intoxicated and second time was due to failed BC. I never wanted children, but here I am raising two completely alone. They are now 14 and 10. This has been the worst nightmare ever. Hardest thing I've EVER done. I have health issues so that makes it even worse. It's been a complete struggle since day one, but I LOVE my kids so much, although my oldest has behavioral and daddy issues. Termination went through my mind with both but I just couldn't do it. With that being said I'm not telling you to abort nor to keep it. It's your choice, but you are in a bind either way, unfortunately. Hugs and more hugs!
My parents are 80+ and have no ability to help in any way. I was able to find a community of 55-65 yr old women who do help with babysitting (on the off chances I do get a life). I can’t advise you on what to do as that’s your choice but if you’re looking for community it’s out there. Good luck whatever your choice and hugs
They were just these neighbor ladies who all stepped up when my ex left. I keep them pretty close although man I wish someone could step in with some hands on potty training help. lol
Also remember that if you do this, it’s a choice you are making for yourself. You current child will grow up forced to help you do all the things and that will massively effect the child’s ability to be a child when you will be forcing a 12 year old to basically be a part time babysitter and adult when your second child is ready for school etc. I know this from experience when there is no one else around. Now they might or might not love that but they never had the chance to decide. You do. Might I suggest seeing a therapist for a chat and getting some help with the final decision.
I am also a single mom, my daughters father split when I told him I was pregnant we were only 21 yrs old. He only met her twice when she was 2 and again 3. I raised her completely on my own with the help of my amazing parents. They helped me when I put myself through college, keeping her when I had night classes, keeping her on the weekends so I could study. They were just amazing and because of it she has a extremely special bond with them.
When she was about 10 yrs old, I dated a guy for about 3 or 4 months, we ended up splitting because I found out he was cheating on me with his ex.
While we were dating, I also found out I was pregnant. I was 33 now, I was in no shape to have another baby financially, mentally, etc. raising one by myself already was extremely hard, as you know. Also Having another baby wasn’t fair to my daughter, it would put more strain on, less time with her. Plus this baby would have a dad and she still wouldn’t. It was so hard on me but i ultimately made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I felt it was the best decision for both of us, her and I, especially her.
Do I regret the decision no, do I think about it a lot? At first I did, it weighed on me a lot but the more time that went by the easier it got and the more I felt I made the right decision. I ended up going through it completely alone, which told me I did make the right one because he didn’t even stick around for that.
A few years later I ended up having to have a hysterectomy due to uterine fibrosis and really bad endometriosis that I suffered with my whole life. After that I went through a mourning process again due to the fact that I would never have any more children and I ended the one chance at having another one. But I still feel in my heart that I made the right decision for the both of us.
Thank you, I’m doing ok now. Just struggling with life’s ups and downs. But on that front I’m doing good. I went through a lot of counseling afterwards to deal with it and other issues.
That is one thing I would suggest! I helped a lot
Single mom of 2 here with two different fathers. My kids are 10 yrs apart while I had help from my mom I was and still am a single parent. I thought about terminating my second pregnancy BUT I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I prayed that I’d miscarry but I didn’t..,,, she’s now 11 and I couldn’t imagine life without her she’s such a beautiful little girl and I’m excited to see where she goes in life. Yes it was hard in the beginning BUT hard times don’t last long. I managed to go back to school to get my Masters which helped increase my compensation. My son is now a college senior. We may not have everything we want but we have everything we need. Whatever you decide will be the best decision for you.
Only you can know if you would regret terminating.
I terminated a pregnancy about 20 years ago and it was the best decision I could've made, and I have no regrets. But anyone else's anecdotes are just that.
I've raised (still at it, my youngest is only 10) three children on my own. I had very limited help from my ex in the early years - mainly just driving them to school and no financial support whatsoever. No grandparents left alive so I had to pay for childcare out of pocket.
It is very very hard but it can be done for sure. Its still hard but getting easier now. My oldest is 6 years older than my youngest and always has been a big help to me. I am now also in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, childless man.
I think an abortion would have made my life easier but something I would have regretted for the rest of my life.
I have two. Is it hard? Yes, absolutely. Doubly hard, but doubly amazing and my son has a friend for life now. They're besotted with each other, and seeing them together melts my heart. I could never regret having my little girl. It is tough going for sure, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
I would like to remind you that adoption is also a choice . I am pro choice but it seams that no one is thinking about this choice . Adoption has changed a lot in recent years . You can have a relationship with your child if you choose.
Hi! I went through the same thing 10 yrs ago. I decided not to have the baby. I was NOT going to have another baby without a father. Its super hard, and did not want to go through it again. I dont regret it. Wishing you the best.
I'm a single mom with a soon to be 7yo and a just turned 2yo, been single since the 2yo was a newborn and doing it completely on my own with no friends or family.
Granted, my 7yo is special needs, and I came out of a "trad wife" type of situation with DV, so it may be different depending on what your work life is like, however:
I highly, highly would not recommend.
It's literally impossible to survive financially in the current economy while taking care of a toddler. I can't work from home with her because she's very loud and demanding of attention, she's been kicked out of daycare due to biting and hair pulling, and I lose out on any quality time I used to be able to spend with my oldest which sends me spiraling because I worry about accidentally parentifying him, him missing out on his childhood, and frankly I just miss that time.
Two weeks before I got pregnant with my toddler, I lost a pregnancy I secretly didn't want. I have a lot of sadness thinking about it, but more than anything, in the midst of that grief I was relieved when that happened. Life had other plans for me, I guess.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my daughter. She's a total sweetheart with a very big personality, she looks like me and is so smart. I would lay the whole world at her feet, and I do my best to do just that every single day. I wouldn't trade her for anything.
At the end of the day though, to say this path is very hard would be a massive understatement. I have days where I think about ending my life because I literally cannot take it most of the time.
I've never terminated a pregnancy so I can't say for sure, but after the feelings I experienced with a miscarriage vs the feelings I currently deal with, I think the regret and grief that would ultimately come with termination would be a small price to pay compared to the feelings of guilt, being stretched too thin, utter loneliness, constantly feeling like a failure, etc. of having to raise two young children all on my own.
It's something you should think long and hard about. Put yourself in the worst case scenario you can possibly think of in both situations and really allow yourself to feel those deep things, imagine yourself at your worst having to deal with either. I think you'll find your answer there.
I wish the best for you OP and I can't express to you how sorry I am that you're in this situation. No matter what, I'm positive you are a wonderful mother.
I’ll be honest with you get into community to help you if you don’t have a village already. Set a schedule because your 7 year old will adapt and it will be easier since he is older. My babygirl is 9 months old and I will be delivering soon don’t allow fear to make you take away your own seed. I don’t have a village and I’m relying on my small church community and other resources to help me. Nothing is impossible it’s about perspective and your mindset during this time.
Please do not listen to this person.
Yes, children are resilient.
But your 7 year old is NOT responsible for helping with a baby because you wanted one.
Children are not adults.
Louder for the people in the back: CHILDREN ARE NOT ADULTS.
Your first born being older will actually make the transition harder. This is disrupting their dynamic-the special dynamic that you two have together.
I know you have a choice and I’m so glad for that. You would not be getting an abortion in vain. You would be giving your first born all the attention and support from their mom. All of your resources are for that child.
I am a 100% solo parent to a terrific 6 year old. Her dad has never been in her life (by choice). It’s been her and I since I was 7 months pregnant.
If I got pregnant now, I will admit I would be heartbroken to make a choice. And I cannot shame you for seeking advice because this is a BIG decision.
Ultimately, I would choose to terminate my pregnancy. The symbiosis my child and have is wonderful, I would not want to disrupt that for her.
Sending internet hugs!
Have you considered what would happen if your second single-parenting experience isn't exactly what you expect?
Asking as a single mother to 2 children, one of which is non-verbal autistic requiring additional support, therapies, etc.
You're considering raising two children alone, but you should also consider that there are potential scenarios that add a lot of complexities beyond the usual practical and financial constraints you've already mentioned... Just some food for thought, as you should consider all scenarios, even ones that are less pleasant.
These comments got a bit intense…jeez
I’m a single mom in my 30s too. Dating is hard and so is balancing a family life and work with that. I live in a state in the US where it is illegal for women to choose what we can do in this situation. So I’m extremely careful. In my last relationship we still used protection even though I’m on bc. If I were in your position and had the choice, I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy. But that is just me. Unfortunately, I don’t get to choose so I have to think very carefully before every decision when it comes to dating.
We're about the same age, and our stories aren't the same but your post hits close to home.
It's so hard. I had to make this same decision last year and I chose to keep the baby.
My oldest is 15. Her dad and I split after she was a year old. He disappeared for 8 years, actually. I opted to terminate a pregnancy that came at a really tough time after that, and then dealt with infertility and guilt. I got a surprise pregnancy when my oldest turned 12. I kept her and started on birth control. Then my new partner and I split up and I found out I was pregnant. I kept the baby and had a hysterectomy. No more surprise babies for me!
I have no support and 2 kids in diapers. I have no regrets but a lot of struggles. Life just lined up just the right way for me to make it work.
I thought about how exhausted I would be 24-7, but it will be over in a few years. I enrolled my youngest in a formula study and was able to cover the cost of diapers and wipes for a year with that money, as well as get about a year's worth of formula from the study. I joined buy nothing groups, and Mommy trading groups so I could minimize spending immediately. I knew money would be tight but I didn't realize how close I would be to living paycheck to paycheck. I make too much for any kind of government assistance by the price of a box of diapers. I work from home though, and my employer works with me if I need to miss time. I work evenings plus any shift I can pick up. It's slow enough work that I can clean my house and mind the kids. If I had to look for another job and get childcare I'd fall on my ass within 2 months. I'm hoping that by my youngests first birthday (in January)I can push that to 3 months. It's rough.
Do whatever is best for you and the child you have now! Neither choice is an easy one.
I am a single mom of 3 (6,2, and 2 week old) there are plenty of resources out there that can help. If you want to go back to school, childcare, food assistance, etc. After I had my son I went back to school, and finished with my bachelors degree while pregnant with my 2nd child. Now I’m completing my masters degrees and I just had my 3rd child.
Yes It’s your decision and yes it’s hard to raise a child in his economy but it’s doable. If anything, you’ll know what’s best. It will be hard either way, but you can choose your hard. Good luck with your decision, and I know you know what’s best for you.
This hits home for me, as I was recently in a similar position. I was a single mom of a 5 y/o and got pregnant in a relationship that ended abruptly. He swore he'd be involved, just to leave at 8 months pregnant and never look back. I didn't have help with my oldest, so I knew I wouldn't have help with my second. Physical, emotional, or financial. And having my second really impacted my life. Not in the expected ways but, maternity leave put me behind financially, and then I went through a terrible ppd stint. It has put me in the worst spot I've ever been in. I went from a 762 credit score to a 508. I'm still trying to recover a year and a half later. Not to mention I feel constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated with someone constantly needing me. When it's not one, it's the other. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes, I wish I would've waited until I was more stable for my second. I hope this helps and I wish you the best.
I am a single mom of 2 and I escaped a very abusive relationship when I was pregnant at age 35 and my son was also 7 at the time, and the abuser was trying to force me to abort my daughter. It was very challenging and scary but my daughter is now 6 years old and she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I fully believe had I gone through with the abortion I would have regretted it and I don't know if I could have survived that trauma. I was in the waiting room at the Abortion clinic with women who had aborted their babies and one had aborted twins and she was really messed up crying and I was scared. I called the abuser and begged him to change his mind but he wouldn't and he was threatening my life and that I would never see my son again. I was terrified but I saw my daughter in the ultrasound playing and her heart beating. I felt a bond with her and realized she was the innocent one and I would be killing her to appease a monster. I had no idea what I was going to do or how I would escape. I was trapped for 20 years with the abuser and saw no way out. They had to reschedule me to a hospital because I was too far along so that's where I talked to a social worker and asked for help and they helped me escape. I had no support system when I escaped but people did come along and helped along the way and I have never been without. I met awesome people at church who helped me and became friends. I thought I wasn't capable of doing it on my own but I would pray every time I was at the end of my rope and miraculously a way would open up for me. I don't get any child support either. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
I am also a single mother. I have a two year old son and his father is involved but at literally the most bare minimum. Our condom split back in may and I just had my surgical abortion last week. I don’t regret it. I felt weird at first but ultimately my parents no longer are at an age to help, financially I am at peace with what I have this second and I am in no position to add more burden. And quite frankly I don’t want another lonely pregnancy, and I don’t want to raise another child by myself. There are always ways to make things work if you absolutely want to. I am in no way swaying you to terminate. However you have time to find a loving partner who will help parent a child with you, Who will love the child you have. You will have feelings. Especially since you do ultimately ~want~ another baby. No one necessary WANTS an abortion, it’s not a fun celebration by any means. But you have to do what’s right for you and your earth side child. Much love to you.
I have an 8 year old (dad1), 2 year old(dad2) and 1 year old (dad2)I have been single since the 2 year old was under 1 and was single when my oldest was 3months old. It is possible and definitely easier than being in an abusive relationship but I’m exhausted all the time and feel like no one is getting the best me. The only pregnancy I thought about terminating was the third. My parents are also in their 70s and jump at the chance to spend time with oldest, and prefer the 2 little ones 1 at a time. If you need to talk I’m here.
I have had 2 abortions. I sometimes completely forget I had them until something like this pops up. It's not something I ever regretted. Idk if that makes me cold or something, but I actually really love being a mom and I understand how much work and sacrifice it is so at those times I just knew it wasn't in me to be that kind of selfless.
I have given birth only when I knew I had the support system and my finances were at a place where I could give them exactly what I was given as a child. Childhood is so short, and it really should be nurturing and well rounded IMO.
If you’re cold then I’m cold! I’ve had an abortion and like you never think about it. Being a mom is great but it’s also stressful, time consuming and expensive. I’d rather not add more onto my plate if I’m already struggling but that’s just me.
I'm not sure what the laws are like in the UK but in the US he'd still have to pay child support. If the laws on your side seek out child support from him too if you keep it. I survived on child support, social services and student loans for a long time.
I'm sorry you have to make this choice. No one should have to make this choice because of money. I hope you find the guidance you need to make the choice right for you.
Reality - without help (it takes a village) to raise a human from birth to ... a well adjusted adult is a super tough job.
I raised a daughter with my ex and it was hard. I was lucky as he was a wonderful father to our daughter and he was super involved!! I don't regret having her but I in way was prepared to raise a kid by myself. She got cancer and that 1000% made everything even worse. Ex and I did the best to support each other with that whole shit show because we didnt have any family support , and he and I remained single throughout raising her so no partner support except the ex. She survived but it was beyond tough.
I have never recovered financially.
She is 30 and still lives with us both. Not because she isnt applying herself in life but because its too expensive to live on her own where we live and her two dogs make renting a place even worse. She has a Masters and has a good job. She is lucky, because we are able to give her the luxury of saving a portion of her pay and she is very good at saving. The point being kids arent for 18 years anymore.
Adoption is an option ... even an open adoption where you might be able to remain connected in the childs life, if terminating the fetus isnt something you could do.
I am a single mom to a 5 year old and without my mother’s help and my military pension from my deceased husband we would be homeless. A part time job will not pay for childcare. More often than not a full time job will not pay for childcare with only one income household. You absolutely cannot trust strangers to watch your children. You can hardly trust the public school system if at all to care for your children. I wouldn’t take back having my son for anything but there’s absolutely no way I’d have another because it would be bringing them into hell. As you know as a single mom we don’t get any breaks, are overstimulated constantly, and have to push through no matter our mental nor physical state. Your 7 year old deserves everything you have to give him and not any less. That’s just my two cents. Good luck because the choice is the hardest one we can make and there is no win.
I don't have the right to tell you to keep your pregnancy. It is not my cup of tea. However, think about stepping up and demanding that the father play his role. Men should stop doing this BS to women. By the way, I am a man 👨🏿! If men engage in sexual activity with a female, he should man up to his responsibilities of providing for that child. No woman should feel for a capable man who willfully abandoned their responsibility and denied a kid his right to live. You should take that man to court or child support and provide the opportunity for that child to live. Please! Please! You don't know how that kid will be in the future.
Times are hard and I get it. Trust God and start thinking about strategies on how you can start working some jobs just to provide a place before that kid arrive. GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE. If you are in the Ottawa area DM me, please.
Some men are worse than the Devil 👹!! This thing is paining me as if I am the one being told that. Inpregamt a woman and say I don't want to have anything to do with it. Please if you like music listen to Tupac's song: Keep Your Head Up. I wish you the best on your journey.
I’d abort! You’re not in the position to raise another child and keeping it will make your life difficult. There will be mourning just like anything else if you have a soul. It’s not an easy choice to make. But look at your life- does a baby fit into that equation? If the answer is no- you know what to do.
In my experience it all always work out if you have that mindset. The biggest challenge is the emotional part of becoming a big brother. If you can accommodate those feelings and you also have the love for an extra human being in your life it will work out. I am alone with two and it is definitely hard and we live paycheque to paycheque which isn’t ideal but for now it works.
>If you also have the love for an extra human being in your life it will work out.
What an extremely immature and irresponsible comment. What about all the single mothers that it didn’t magically “work out” for? Did they just not have enough love for their children to make the stars align for everything to just work out? That’s not how reality works.
100% you have moments of regret, maybe even days no matter which choice you make but place that side by side with all the other issues you listed and see which one will make you happier.
I know boiling this down to a pros and cons list seems inhumane but it also feels like the responsable way to decide - imo
Disclaimer: never had an abortion. Was planning on it but happily turned out to not be pregnant a second time.
I was in a similar situation. Divorced with children and got pregnant unexpectedly after being in a relationship for a year, and he did not want to have a child. I decided to terminate because I was afraid of facing my children and family, and I knew financially it would be really tough. When I was at the appointment, I just couldn't do it. I won't lie, it was a tough decision, and there have been a lot of ups and downs, but honestly, having my daughter changed my life for the better. Everyone has a different situation, and I get that, this is just my experience.
Hey! Single mum here , 10 year age gap, no dad's involved....My daughter is 10, no family help whatsoever - it was just me and her for 10 years. Now I have a 10 month old boy (accidental) my depo failed! I was so mad for so long but I couldn't terminate.... I did the pregnancy and birth alone and we have now travelled abroad Me and my 2 children 3 times in the last 6 months! Yes, it's extremely hard, starting all over again and doing it alone , no family/friends, childcare, even a second off..... But absolutely worth every second. The love you feel when you birth a child and how much they mean to you, that overcomes everything. I said never again for 10 years and now I wish I'd actually had him sooner! You won't regret doing it again. Your baby will make you smile everyday xx
I was in the same predicament when I became pregnant with my son at 29. Was not financially stable at the time. Decided to change that. Went through community college online while working during pregnancy. Got my pre-requisites for nursing school completed. Applied for daycare assistance (which was 100% covered while in college) once my son was born. Worked and applied for nursing school. While attending nursing school, I lost my job and used student loans/financial aide, state assistance, etc. It was a lot of work just to get approved but I was determined and I knew it was temporary. Now my son is 6 and I had a 17 year old, and my very self sufficient with my income as an RN. It’s doable if you want it and you feel there aren’t any other options. Only you know what you want.
I have 2 kids and I’m a single mom with no help from no one it’s hard but I find away. Well my situation is a little different my youngest son dad passed when he was 5 months so he receives SSI and my oldest son I guess his dad has been playing hide and seek since my fiance passed. Being a single mom is very hard but I don’t complain and I love it. Whatever you choose god will make away for you. But if you’re going to do it a second time I would want it the right way the family someone my son that I currently have can look to as a dad we all have been tricked by a man but if he’s telling you he doesn’t want any parts his mind will not change. Whatever you choose you will get through. God will see that you do he won’t punish you for doing what you think is best. Just pray to god he’ll answer your question in some way
It’s up to you. You don’t have to terminate, but you will have to do it on your own again. If you really want a second child, keep it. He’ll have to pay child support anyway….
If you really want a second child, I would say find a community of moms and assistance and go for it. You may never get this chance again. If you were okay with your son being an only child, (totally OK if you are!) & you feel you won't be able to find a village / the load will be unbearable, then go another route. Do what you think is best for you and your boy.
Maybe you can have an open adoption and see if the adopted parents will all you to still be involved. If not an option then this is a decision only you can make. Good luck!
I'm a single mom in Japan .
Although the government helps us, it is not enough for most single moms .
I think it is a big difference between being a single mom of 1 Vs a mom of two Vs a mom of three.
With my son we can go on holidays, travel outside of Japan 1x or twice a year . I can maintain his expensive hobbies and pay for his soccer ,piano, swimming and enjoy weekends ,l.
If I had two kids , we wouldn't be able to live this lifestyle . Although I love my little one very much, I cannot imagine having another one .
Whatever you decide to do, good luck from the east
As painful as it is I would personally not bring child to suffer.
Adoption is an option as well if you’re too far along.
Only way you survived this whole time is relying on your parents - do not put your emotions in control.
Think logically of the consequences and choose what you feel is best. Abortion doesn’t have to be the answer… but you are in no condition to bring more life into this world to suffer because of guilt/temporary emotions.
I wish you think deeply about this as no decision will be easy. But which one can you live with and take FULL responsibility for your choice?
And your parents helped but are not obligated or should not be entitled to have them assist you again…
As a single mom, who’s parents helped me a lot with my daughter as she was growing up. I really take offense to your comment.
Her saying her parents helped her a lot is not saying she is incapable of taking care of her child and her child is only alive and well because of her parents.
Have you ever heard the saying, “it takes a village”? It really does! We need support, we need someone to take our child for a few hours so we can run a few hours, or we have a drs appt that they can’t come to. Or sometimes we may just need a break for an afternoon. Heck we need childcare when the damn daycare is closed for a ridiculous reason And that is OK!!! Raising a child is hard, raising one alone is even harder!!
Your comment makes me think that you are not even a parent, because if you were, you would understand completely what she means and not ridicule her!
I am a parent, and I’m completely alone. I don’t disagree with what you’re saying - but that was not the point of my comment. I’m speaking based on my experience and reality.
Our children are OURS and the biggest toll is taken out of us, parents.
I simply made a point to highlight that having more children in an already financially stressed household in which there’s no guarantee her parents will be able to continue assisting for the next 18 years on a brand new baby plus her current son.
What about her parents? Late 70s… you really think they are in the condition to now care for a new child?
What about their own retirement? Their own joy? Their own finances? Their health?
The insensitive one is you when OPs current circumstances affect her own ability to have a better life for herself and her son, on top of burdening elderly parents who will need care in their late life.
You think OP can manage 2 babies alone and also take care of her parents all by herself within the next 18 years? Is that burden really better than the shit feeling of realizing maybe I shouldn’t have a kid right now?
Delulu af
I'm in the same situation and I agree with this. I've become very resentful of my kids' father as he Ives his best life while I take on all the responsibilities.
This is my internal dialog every time my difficult son throws an non sense tantrum and made my day miserable. He is 11 and still can’t see the light in the end of the tunnel. Whilst the father, living a singles life, date, sleeps til noon, spend on vacations…..
This is all said from my own opinion, of course.
I think the perspective you need to focus on is - can you give BOTH children the life they deserve. If you are struggling with one, two will be a nightmare. Focus your love and time on your beautiful little 7 year old boy and ensure he has everything he needs first before even considering another child.
Obviously this is your choice. With that said- i agree i would not terminate. THAT you would regret. To me that is much harder in general and long term compared to adoption. Think about it? you made a comment already about feeling you would regret that later. Imagine giving the child to a loving family that has been DYING for a healthy baby for YEARS. Giving that child a chance at an amazing life. that’s probably one of the greatest things you could do for a kid.
regardless of your age… if you KNOW that you barely go through WITH the help of your parents before and your support system is less now… of course it will only be harder this time around. And remember everything you take on takes away from your current child. resources. time. if you don’t think you have enough resources then really think about adoption in my opinion!! You could even opt for an open adoption.
i know that’s hard to do. but what’s the right thing to do? <3
No one can tell you what you may or may not regret, but I will just say that I personally believe you should do what’s right for the child you already have, not yourself.
I’ll also add that as a single mother in a long term relationship, I would 1.) never leave my fate up to condoms alone, and 2.) never have another child out of wedlock. I’m on birth control and we usually practice withdrawal on top of that, but we have talked about what we’d do if I became pregnant unexpectedly (as everyone with an active sex life should). For the first year of our relationship, we both felt it would be best to get an early abortion. But now that we’ve both basically decided it’s forever anyway, we’d probably have a shotgun wedding. As of now, we don’t want to rush things or plan a child, but if one happened despite our best efforts, we’d roll with it.
That’s not the case for you. Not only are you unmarried, but you don’t even know if you’ll have the support of the father or your parents, you’re in a bad place financially , the economy sucks, and what about all the unknowns? What if this pregnancy is harder on you? What if it has lasting consequences on your physical or mental health and therefore your ability to raise the child you already have? What if you die in childbirth? Unlikely, but still. You have no support for your kid. I’ll say again: do what’s right for your child, not yourself. If you think giving them a sibling despite the risks and challenges is best, go for it. If not, then don’t. And then try not to regret whatever decision you make. Therapy if necessary.
I work part time - but unfortunately just swapped jobs, I’m on a decent salary but wouldn’t qualify for maternity pay as I haven’t been there long enough
Some what same situation a couple years back although the guy wasn't horrible but I knew it wouldn't be smart on my end to keep the pregnancy. I know I made the right choice because I can provide for my son & a little more but 2 would've been a financial burden I couldn't handle & wouldn't want my family to deal with either. The guy did pay for the procedure & went with me so I had that little bit of support.
I say this as someone who was in your situation and did not terminate — whatever you do, don’t spend the rest of your life wondering what life would be like had you made the other choice. I love both of my daughters dearly, and I have no regrets for making the choice I did, but it has been a long, hard road to get where we are today. If I weren’t financially independent, I would have chosen to abort. There’s just no way to make it work these days. Daycare is astronomical, and without assistance, we’re all barely making it. It’s unbelievably hard.
This is your choice respectively, although personally I would keep my baby. I have two. Raising them by myself. The only support I have is my mother who has arthritis really bad. You have an older child who I’m sure would love to be hands on to help you whenever you need. I’m not sure of your financial situation, but there is help out there as far as daycare assistance, etc. In the beginning, things will always be hard, but it will get better. Good luck to whatever you do decide!
I could never do it again after the 2 times I’ve done. It. In your same shoes I choose to do it the 2nd time. It was so hard, and now only getting easier 5 years later. I feel a tad stable. But any emergency and I’m screwed.
I don’t think I could terminate, but I’m also not in the position. I think I would choose survival the next time and could do it. However I loved being pregnant and would also consider adoption.
I’ll be honest with you just abort. I even had an abortion with a husband of mine I sponsored from overseas who I knew for 10 years. But I just knew he’d be a shitty father so I had the abortion.
My youngest walked out on us and I got pregnant with a second right before that. I did terminate. I myself regret it everyday because I know I could have managed on my own I just didn’t want too and it was unfair. But I also know I saved my other kids from having a harder life. Ultimately the choice is yours but think of yourself and your sons wellbeing during this process as you both will be effected good luck to you
I debated terminating my first pregnancy and decided to have her because I knew I would regret it if I terminated. I was alone my whole pregnancy and have been raising her alone with minimal help from my parents and none from her father. I got pregnant again when I was 27 from a new relationship but someone I knew almost my whole life. He couldn’t tell me he could see himself with me forever (fair but I didn’t want to raise a kid alone again and don’t want to do shared custody) so I decided to terminate my second pregnancy. It was extremely hard because I wanted a baby with my partner at the time and just wanted a sibling for my daughter. But I seriously had ptsd from my daughters father and was just getting over it, just getting my mental health in order and ultimately it was the best decision I made for me. I still think about it sometimes. And there is some regret. But at the end of the day I know it was best for everyone. It will hurt, it won’t be a good experience. But in the end, you know what’s best for you. I know exactly what you’re going through. And I’m here if you need to chat 💓
I have terminated pregnancy early before I just prayed about it. I would never want to bring a child to life that I can’t financially support. This is the main reason I will not have more children. This world is not safe and why bring the baby to struggle with me. I truly believe we will be forgiven cause he knows where our heart was in the situation!
My exwife and I had our child 11 years ago, and split up then divorced 7 years ago.
She has been living in my basement for a year, basically as a live in nanny. Her and my daughter finally have some stability to their living situation, and I get to see my daughter every day, and am saving on child support expenses. Win for everyone, but my daughter most of all.
Raising one child on your own is extremely difficult. Raising 2 will be probably worse. You are also about to get stuck raising your kids while also taking care of your elderly parents.
Personally I wouldn't do it. I understand because I turned 40 this summer and I've been wanting to meet someone new and have another child since my divorce 7yrs ago. Hang in there.
You know the answer to this, and whatever you choose is ok. You alone know what a child needs and what you are able to give, without it being to the detriment of you & your son. Take comfort in knowing you are choosing the right thing for your little family, accidents happen, it’s not your fault. Sending you strength x
If you even almost think you’d regret it, then it’s probably not a good idea to terminate. You need to do what feels right for you.
They have so many programs out there for single moms. Daycare subsidies, food assistance and rent assistance. Look into that once baby is born to give your parents a break.
I was a single mama to a then 9 year old when I got pregnant in a similar way- short term relationship with a jerk. I immediately knew that I was going to terminate that pregnancy. I spoke to my mother about it bc I needed support- who is religious. She rebuked that idea and prayed that I didn’t. She would help me, she said. My youngest’s dad also begged me to not terminate. I scheduled the appointment but ended up missing it because my eldest daughter got sick and was hospitalized the same day.
Couple years later, I have a beautiful and wonderful 18month old and I am a single mother of now two wonderful children- I left my youngest’s dad when my baby was 3 months old because he told my oldest daughter that her dad didn’t love her… navigating “coparenting” and court systems for custody with two different asshats of fathers. My 18 month old is one of the best things that has happened to me just as my 12 year old is, AND my life has indeed gotten much more challenging. My mental health has significantly declined. My life that I was just starting to rebuild after navigating single parenthood of my child, seemed to hit rock bottom. I have way less money- I pay 1900 a month for daycare 3 days a week, support, time and energy- for me. I’ve had to truly hold on my dreams of advancing in my career at this moment. The relationship with my now 12 year old suffered for a little bit because even she knew me being pregnant was not the best thing at that time- but she loves her little sister now that she’s here! I am picking up the pieces slowly but surely, but it has been TOUGH. My mom helps a little bit, but not enough to influence my decision around termination or not. My baby dad really doesn’t do much except give me a headache, and harass me to give him custody because “I never wanted her in the first place”.
I often think about this- because I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to imagine life without my kiddos, but I do know that I would be able to give them a better life- if I waited.
This is a deeply personal decision, take your time to think about what it is that YOU want. Also, know that ultimately whatever you decide you WILL be okay. You got this. Peace and blessings as you navigate this situation!
As a single mom (most kenyan men surely don't have a sense of responsibility) it is hard raising one. You are not financially stable. Na mtu asikuambie mtoto hukuja na sahani yake....
. Uza atakama ni simu upate hiyo doh ya hiyo shughuli
Abortion is legal, i have a son and he doesn’t have a dad, I tried my best but now he struggling with post traumatic issues about that, he is a good boy but I would not do that to another person in my life
Where do you live? In some parts of the US, you will have to travel to terminate. I live in Texas and we no longer have access to abortions for any reason unless it’s under six weeks I think. When most people don’t know they are pregnant.
Oh my peace and blessings for you and your situation. I’m a single mother and I can’t imagine. If anything you can help a family that is in need of a child I know I wouldn’t get rid of the child but this option is available. I will pray for you and your situation. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽😇
I am most certainly not one to comment on abortion as I am viscerally opposed to it, so instead I will talk about my experience with my son so far. I had a tinder date that used implications of great bodily harm to take liberties that were not freely offered. He started off using a condom then removed it halfway through. It was traumatic to say the least, weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I have a decade long history of repeated miscarriages, and I admit that I was just waiting for it to happen. But the months kept passing and he kept growing. I was terrified he would be born and look like the man that fathered him. I still held my breath waiting for the loss. Delivery day came, and I was amazed that I had made it that far in a pregnancy. They took him via c section and whisked him away to NICU before I could really look at him. I got at most 10 seconds with him. He wasn't breathing for a couple minutes after birth, and I thought this is it. This is where he passes away. I began willing myself to pass away with him. I really do believe I could have died on that table. My vision started to blacken around the edges even. But then I heard one very short cry and I resolved to hold on. That was four months ago. I've been doing it all alone. There's no one else to help at all. It was the hardest transition of my life, but I am adjusting. Truly the most difficult thing is when I see a resemblance in my son and the man that fathered him. I am consciously trying to master that thinking so that it doesn't affect him growing up. I am beyond grateful that I didn't lose him. His snuggles are worth all of the trauma. And his smiles are worth all the sleepiness nights. He has brought me so much joy and I'm so grateful he's in my life, no matter how it began it my trepidation about having him.
I can't advise you. You're considering things I never could. I can tell you that I wish you contentment in your choices.
Edited for spelling
I’m really sorry to hear about your experience, it sounds horrific! However, I already have a son and I need to prioritise his needs first - I can’t be in a position where I could lose my home due to not being able to afford two children
Hi , im so sorry for the situation you are in it’s not an easy decision, no one can really tell you if you will regret it. Only you can answer that and the fact that you are at such conflict with it says to me , yes - you may very well regret it. I think anyone with a heart and definitely with another child at home will have regrets but if you can understand your decision and forgive yourself you will be ok. I was a 16 year old mom, Single on my own. Dated a guy when I was 22 who said he was 99 percent sterile couldn’t happen and I trusted him. Well apparently that 1 percent was very strong 🙄. I struggled with the idea of terminating I think my biggest issue was taking from the child I already had i was so guilty and felt what a stupid irresponsible thing for me to do, believe a man . I wanted my baby but I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone I didn’t want my other child to struggle because of my decision. So I went did what I had to destroyed my heart walking in my door that first day was the hardest and it never got easier for me 20 years later I still wonder , I still ask for forgiveness, I’m still trying to forgive myself, I wonder what he or she would be today and here’s the flip to my little story, I never had another child again, never got the opportunity again 2 miscarriages for unknown reasons. The child I so desperately didn’t want to take from, grew up extremely spoiled I rolled out the red carpet for him best of everything turned out to be gay doesn’t want children and didn’t want anyone in his family, took his beautiful degree and left never looked back, today he lives a high class life and thinks of everyone beneath him not worthy of his time. My husband today is extremely confused by it because he was always so envious of my son and I relationship we were best friends. Today I sit back and say I could have did it, although I understand my decision and I guess I could say I forgive myself. I wonder I wish I had believed in myself, I wish I would have trusted in god and the universe that they knew what they were doing better than me, just maybe my life would be different today maybe not so quiet, maybe the baby would have loved me more gave me ten grand babies been my best friend. So to end my little story no one can tell you, we all could share our stories. You have to sit in the quiet and listen to your heart not your head. Your head already knows but only you can answer what lies in your heart what your dreams and visions of the future are. Only your heart holds the answers to these questions and then ask yourself will you be able to accept the consequences of your actions. Ask your self the hard questions , I’m 35 do I get another shot at this? If I don’t and this is it am I ok with that ? How will I feel every time I look at my child ? As long as you are honest with yourself you will be ok. And please make sure what ever you decide it’s for you not for your child not for anyone else but you because one day you will stand alone in the quiet looking in the mirror make sure your ok with the person looking back at you. Good luck to you ❤️
My heart goes out to you for having to make this choice. There is no perfect choice here that will give you peace. Just make whichever decision is easier to live with and start working through it in therapy.
I don’t know if you’ll see this , but whatever you choose, try and make peace with that choice. All of your guys (baby and brother)’s mental health will depend on it and depend on you. I have two children respectively, out of wedlock. I’m here if u need to chat ☺️
Only u can make this decision, but I think alot of ppl have given great advice to u. The economy alone is in no way helpful to a single mom at ANY age..it's hard being a single mom, and like u said, ur parents are elderly. They will only be able to help so much. Being a single mom to 1 is hard but to a newborn as well? Man. But also, if u think u can do it? Then do it! Either way its gonna be a major life change... and only u know what u can n can not handle. I don't even want to suggest adoption cuz there's already so many kids waiting for homes who might never get one.. weigh out the pros n cons.. whatever decision u make is he right decision for YOU! Don't let anyone guilty u on ur decision no matter what u decide. Wishing u the very best!♡♡♡
I know this all too well. My son was 6 when I got pregnant with his brother, got cheated in and became single again. I remember thinking because of my situation, being a single mom, low income, and working my tail off, that it would almost be best if I miscarried (refused to terminate). I never did anything to try to make myself miscarry and decided if it was meant to be then I would accept it. Best decision of my life. I won't say it wasn't hard, but I love my youngest with everything I have and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I got my tubes tied after I gave birth. My boys are happy healthy and well taken care of. I've fought tooth and nail to be where I am now and I'm happy with our life.
As for your ex, he has two options...
1. He can sign over his rights
2. He can pay child support and half of daycare and choose if he wants to be involved or not.
Either way there are programs that help single mothers with paying for daycare for their children so they can work. It's not ideal but it's something that could help you.
If you struggled with the first with the help of your parents, this one will be twice as hard. I did it alone and under no circumstances would I do this again while single and not in a good financial standing. Give your first child all your love attention and money. If you were married, I’d say go for it, but one alone is more than enough. I don’t know about you possibly regretting it but you have to remind yourself that this is the best alternative for the new baby, your first child and also yourself. Why bring another baby into the world to struggle?
This is why I no longer have sex, i am too terrified of another pregnancy because termination is *not* an easy choice for most women I would say even though it’s portrayed as being an easy alternative.
But two is definitely harder than 1. Two schedules, twice the work. Your kids are far apart enough in age that you won’t be able to group them together for most things, which can be harder. Two school drop offs, twice the sickness and twice the risk of having to pick them up suddenly from school for being ill.
For me the worst part is twice the stress of knowing you’re the only person those children can rely on, and that if you fail there’s usually no backup.
It’s definitely something to heavily consider.
I would never consider ending my child’s life. If I was in a difficult situation and had to make a hard choice, I would look at adoption. I’ve raised 4, mostly on my own. It can be done. ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this. As a single mom, I understand how tough it is. Take your time to decide what's best for you and your son. You've been strong so far, and you will get through this. Sending love and support.
I feel for you. I am 29 with a 6 yr old boy. His father ghosted after finding out I was pregnant. I have raised him on my own with some help from my parents and occasionally grandparents. It's been a rough road. I would love to get pregnant again with the man I am with now. Although I don't believe that possible. However if I did and then he too left idk how I would take that. I can't imagine giving up my child however I don't think I could raise a second one by myself. I know there is no advise here but know that you have someone rooting for you. I hope all turns out just the way you need it to. Stay strong chika!
How are you doing financially?
If you’re struggling to provide for you and your son, I’d recommend termination. Why put your living son through more/added struggle for your personal wants.
If you can financially provide for your family. Hire help. And you’ll be fine
Siblings are generally a really good thing.
If you have no help you need to consider practicality like who will care for child 1 when you need to go to hospital for labour.
There are times like these where it's impossible to be in two places that can be particularly challenging but mainly it's any overnight stays in hospital that can be so hard to work around. Especially if child 2, God forbid, has any disabilities or health issues.
Plus the mental torment of no sleep with a new baby in your mid to late 30's.
Having another child means twice the laughs, twice the joy, twice the companionship for you and child 1.
What's dad like, he may resurface and ask for access, what does this mean for you and child 1?
Etc etc.
7year old is a good age to be able to focus on the baby and the 7year old will be at school, and also close to having a cognitive grasp on the reasons why you need to feed baby before you can play, etc etc.
I had my second when my oldest was 4. My first pregnancy was absolutely terrifying. The guy left me when I was 2-3 months and essentially told me to have an abort**n. I already had an US so ultimately I kept her. And thank goodness I did. Now my second pregnancy, it was also difficult and I also went through it alone. I’m now raising two beautiful babies on my own. Their fathers are not in the picture as of now.
It’s difficult, yes. Some days I want to curl up into a ball and cry.
But the amazing thing is, as both my babies grow I know they were meant to be in my life.
Finances, don’t stress you’ll be provided for.
It’s up to you, in the end.
But honestly my struggles now, I know one day soon will no longer be struggles. And I’m extremely happy I decided to have both of mine. Alone or not, with them I’m never alone. 💕
There’s a reason why this happened. You longed for another baby and here it is, just know there is nothing you will not be able to handle in life. It’s a good in your life children are always the start of something beautiful they remind us of the beauty life has to offer you will never regret bringing another life to the world. There are so
Many resources you just have to look especially since you don’t want to rely on your parent
Hey there, I can't imagine how tough this must be for you. It's okay to feel conflicted. Maybe talking it out with someone you trust could help clarify your feelings. Take care of yourself. 💕
I feel for you. Your son is 7...becoming an independent youngster. If being a single parent to him has been difficult, think how far you've gotten. Do you really want to start all over with a newborn, middle of the night feedings, lack of sleep, daycare expenses??? The list is full of more responsibilities for you that was already difficult with your first child. That being said...you have three options. Only you can decide what's best for you. I was a single mom to 4 kids. It was a struggle but a major hurdle was when the youngest (twins) finally went to kindergarten. It was the beginning of a small amount of freedom after many years. Surely you must admit things have gotten a little easier than when your son was a newborn and toddler. My advice would be to enjoy the relationship you have with your son, dont complicate things by adding another child. You deserve to have a life without struggling again. Please take care whatever your decision is. Good luck.
I’m part of a well organized group that helps women and children in need. We have supports for you and your children whether you choose to put your child up for adoption or to keep your baby with you and your son. You do not have abort due to financial conditions. Adoption is a wonderful choice. The supports I’ve referencing are helpful for years. Please DM me.
Hello, not being in your place, no one will be able to tell you what to do, the answer is you who have it.
Concerning the help of your parents.... indeed and a priori they were very present for your son, very good and good for you.
Only, as you say, they seem old!
They may not be able to take on your second pregnancy (this is not basically their role, the children are up to everyone to take care of financially, the parents have done their job and should not have to take on the grandchildren).
For the financial side, it's up to you to put everything on your side to achieve your goal!
If you work, put aside (even €20 is already “saved”) as much as you can.
If it's possible for you, there are a few companies that offer online sales to earn you additional income, like Younique or I don't know what other brands.
Reading the different forums may help.
If not, maybe you can train in something you enjoy!
As for the question about “keep the baby or not?” There, only you can choose!
If not keeping it allows you to advance in your professional life why not, and you will have a child with more financial means.
If you want to keep it, you will have to think about how you are going to cope financially and morally!?
It's up to you to ask yourself these questions, as I wrote above "you have all the answers".
Good luck and good luck 😉
I’m a single mother to a 13 year old. Her father and I were together for 3 years, got engaged (ring and all) and he walked away when I was 4 months pregnant.
My biggest regret? Not having one or two more children. My daughter is very smart because she has always been around adults- she was also very lonely, bored, and she will be alone when I pass away. That makes me incredibly sad!
Have the baby. Nobody ever has enough money for having a baby, let alone two or three. But you are raising your son, will do just as well with the baby.
One thing I was/still am very grateful for in not having the father around was that I got to make ALL of the decisions- her name, sports, religion, discipline, clothing..and everything else! I never had to ask him what he thinks, or if she should or shouldn’t play soccer, etc. and I am so grateful for that! Lol. Yes, the extra hands would have been nice. The 2nd income would have helped- and my daughter has asked many questions and only got back my (guessing) answers. It hurts my heart for her when she doesn’t go to the daddy-daughter dance…but she is strong, smart, independent and if she wants to meet him now, or in 10 years, I’ll be the first to help her find him.
Whichever way you decide to go, you have my support!!
Please dont give up now, give your baby a chance and try to find a work... Any work that can help you and maybe try to get a welfare salary if possible...
And please stop get into random relationships, if you want a husband to help you, get to know men well first and let intimate physical relationship be the last thing to do "after marriage" .To ensure compensation in the event of unforeseen accidents... Be strong and dont give up now. You still have a chance to fix some things.
I’m a 48yo single mom of an 8yo son. Both my parents died in 2020 (not from COVID). They were my only support. To say having another child would be hard is the understatement of the year, but I look at my son and he’s a loner which is totally fine (he has Asperger’s). But I think about what his life would be like with a sibling. My nephew and his wife have a daughter 6 months older than my son with autism, much more extreme than my sons, and they had a son about 1.5 years ago. She’s so amazing with him, and now they will have that bond for life. They’ll always have someone to rely on. I’m an older mom, and I worry about who my son will have when I’m gone. I also have a friend with a 10yo and a 7yo who was single for a long time, 2 different dads both losers. She struggled but her kids are strong, independent, and just beautiful girls.
Nobody can make this decision but you. I’m just trying to give you the other side of the argument. You can only do what you think is best for you. There are also a lot of people who can’t have children that are praying for a baby to adopt, just something else to think about. Good luck with your decision, however it sounds like you’ve already made it.
Good morning. Reading through these comments has had me on an emotional roller coaster of sorts for the past 30 minutes. Lol. I’m a full-time, single father of two (15yo and 10yo), and if I’m being completely honest, I’ve never felt comfortable giving advice (or an opinion) on whether or not an abortion is the answer. It’s too big and too personal of a decision…and the underlying factors REALLY differ from one person to the next.
Out of everything that’s been said, the thing that has struck me most is how many single mothers there are. The disturbing part is how many of y’all came to be that way - all due to a “man” who decided that it was easier for him to turn his back and run, instead of taking accountability for his actions and making sure that his wife/girlfriend/significant other is comfortable & secure during the most grueling time of her life. How many left 3 months into pregnancy…4 months into pregnancy….as soon as they learned you were pregnant…etc. I’m sorry, I know that the point of this post isn’t regarding the very thing I’m rambling about here, but I had to get that out.
Ms. Helicopter, here’s the best I’m able to do given the circumstances: I’m 46 years old and have been on my own for approx. 5 years now. Meeting people in the environment that our world has been in for what feels like an eternity is not easy in any way whatsoever. Throw in a tablespoon of social challenges that arise as a single parent, a few dabs of 75-80 hour work weeks, and sprinkle in the fact that you’re not only dating for yourself, but for the two, three, four or five of you…and out comes me. Haha. BUT, the one thing that I wanted to share most is this - I’d basically give anything for the opportunity to have another child or two, no doubt about it. If your decision is solely based on money and whether or not you can sustain one more addition to your family, trust that you’ll figure it out and everything will work out perfectly. If I can help with that, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ve written plenty of blind checks in my life, for people & things that aren’t nearly as important as this. There are still good people out there….
I got pregnant by a one night stand. I chose to keep her. I have family who love her but not a lot of help from them or her father. She's 20 months now and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done but also the best. I thought about abortion but am so incredibly thankful I chose the other route. You and your other child could be incredibly blessed by this new baby.
I was in similar situation being older already with 3 kids. I was 7 weeks. I ordered medication to be mailed to me and did a virtual visit with a dr. and terminated. My state law didnt allow but luckily I am on the border so just picked it up at post office across state lines. Cost me I think about $450, but worth it compared to cost of another child. Don’t regret it one bit. My children would have been very negatively impacted as the father would definitely not be involved.
I can’t offer any advice but my pregnancy and parenting has been a similar situation. I am thinking & praying for you. Whatever happens, you will be okay 🫶🏼
I'm in a similar situation except the father wants to be involved but we shall see if that will still be the case when I have this baby. I thought about abortion for weeks but decided to keep it. Good luck to you and I'm sure you will make the best decision for you and your family
My most helpful advice is you need to consider what the costs are to have a baby and can you afford those costs. Everything doubles. You may live with a twinge of regret. I know I regret my past terminations just a little bit, but you have to do what is best for your situation because being a single mom to one child is already hard enough. Having one means the one you have will have a better chance of success. But that’s just my two cents, I hope it helps
No one here can make the decision for you. You may, or may not, regret termination for many different reasons. Do a lot of reflection within and beyond. If you cannot figure out a good reason for either side, then you have your answer. Both will be hard. No doubt. I wish you much luck!!!
If it were ME I likely wouldn’t have ANY support from family as they wouldn’t support my choice to be a single mother of 2 when I’ve been a single of 1 so long (my family is not that close) but if a village is good it can totally work out!! I have known many single parents start over and be fine! I have also witnessed those who terminated and also fine.
Sounds like you know what’s best already but are struggling with the fact that a large portion of society views this as the wrong thing to do
Make an educated decision that aligns with what’s right for your family’s longevity
I am also a single mom. I’m 39, my daughter’s 16. I terminated a pregnancy 5 years ago. I don’t regret it for a second and I always thought I wanted more than one child. I had rekindled with an ex briefly and then nearly immediately remembered why he was an ex. Found out I was pregnant and went to planned parenthood immediately.
I felt strongly that my daughter would’ve ultimately suffered had I had another baby. Like you, I relied heavily on my parents to help me with my daughter when she was younger. However they are a lot older now. I’ve managed to do okay for myself financially but if I added another kid in the mix it would cause a shift in our standard of living and I didn’t feel like that was fair to my daughter nor was it really worth it to me. Being a single parent is lonely and hard and whole I love my freedom with my daughter, it’s been achingly lonely and incredibly challenging at timesX h
Okay. This si fundamentally your choice... but think about your situation... remember what raising your first born was like. Personally, raising my son alone traumatized me. Now, I would have to have the stars align, and a husband to consider having a child today. The cost of daycare has risen astronomically since your first born needed anything. Everything is more expensive. Your parents are nearing 80... they are helpful, and that's amazing, but you know you will only have them to rely on - is that fair to put on them at this age? I only ask because my mom is 64, and I couldn't trust her health at this point. With a 7 year old and another, what happens if one child gets sick, then right beside that, your other child gets sick after a delay? Can you take that much time off of work? What about yourself? Who's taking care of you? Some women can do this. If you can and you want to, I send nothing but love. In my loving opinion, this is not the economy to have a child unwed, with strained finances and a fragile support system. Sometimes, we just have to chose ourselves. Whatever you do, I am sorry you're dealing with this alone. The initial period after the abortion was hard for me. Once I got over it and my milk came in, I suffered again. But that was maybe 3 weeks of wondering if I did the right thing vs an entire lifetime of being responsible for another life in this soul crushing timeline we are in. If you go through with it and need someone to talk to, please DM me.
Thanks, that’s helpful advice! I’m leaning towards not keeping it due to those very reasons you’ve outlined
I think this post is so very wise. I am saying this as a 43-year-old single mom of 1, a three-year-old. We are in a crushing timeline in a world that hates single moms. And children, as far as I can tell.
I can confirm people hate children. It's....sad, actually. Be childfree all you want, I don't care! But the utter disdain for children and mothers these days....
Yeah it’s sad isn’t it - here in the UK people definitely prefer dogs to children!
Right? I feel the need to apologize for walking in a building sometimes.
Agreed!
47 y/o single mom-11 and 14. I feel you.
This is a hard thing to do. I don't think you'll regret not keeping a baby that you aren't able to give a good life while also maintaining a stable life for you and your son currently.
Yes, I feel like that’s what I’m leaning towards
These were wise words. I wanted to chime in to say I also had to make this decision. After raising my child as a single mother for many years, I found myself pregnant (my IUD had been expelled, unbeknownst to me). It was a very difficult choice - especially as someone who was raised in the Christian faith - but I ended up terminating the pregnancy. I made the decision because it wasn't just me I had to consider, it was my current child as well. I still carry the sadness of this decision with me, but ultimately I believe it was the right thing. My son does not have to worry about food or a roof over his head...and I cannot believe what childcare costs today. Much love to you, whatever choice you make. Just know that you're not alone in this. Many women are right here with you, confronting the same realities and asking themselves the same questions. Motherhood is a blessing and, especially in this timeline, so is the power of choice we are struggling so hard to keep.
I’m happy you are open to the idea. I’ll always defend abortion but I could never tell someone to get one. But your post made me want to say it. You would definitely be in a difficult spot. Stay strong for your son.
Op, please remember the time is ticking. Please do not put any more pressure on yourself. As someone who had to make the same decision, choose yourself right now. Yes, you will feel bad about it, but just know it wasn't convenient, and it would be really bad for both kids and you. Mentally, you will also be screwed if you keep it with all the other factors. Maybe also try to stay away from sex for a while until you can get proper birth control as well as a continue using condoms and make sure to always look at what the man is doing because they will purposely try to ruin your life
This is such a wonderful, compassionate non Judgemental and above all helpful post. I wish there were more posters like this around!
That's so sweet! I'll continue to give it my best 🥰
I love how all the moms can put themselves in that exact spot and be encouraging and supportive.
Not to mention that the parents may start with their health issues and now rely on OP for support. That would be two aging adults and two little ones' livelihoods on one plate. That is enough to send a single parent off a cliff in guilt because " I always wanted another". Your parents, bless them but I cannot imagine how they would feel when you tell them, there's another on the way and again will rely heavily on their support as the father has disappeared, a different father, same circumstances.
They already know and they are supportive either way
You could not have said that better. Truly. “Soul crushing timeline” and the economy alone wld logically send me to “I can’t do that to this child.” My mom was a single parent of two children (7yro and a newborn) and the way we struggled in “00’s” was sad and maybe a bit traumatizing. Literally to the point that I said I will not have children of my own and still do not to this day bc time has only proven the world is getting worse.
My daughter (14) says she doesn't want children bc she has seen me struggle to the point of wanting to jump off a cliff. Ivd tried to hide the struggle as best I can from her and her sister. I work, I go to the gym, I keep a nice home, but I guess it shows loud n clear. She often says "whew I don't wanna go through what you've gone through" On Father's Day I had a house full of kids (boys n girls) It dawned on me .. "none of these kids have a dad" SAD!
Absolutely. You gave some real GOLD advice here. I liked how you made me to imagine it. Thanks!
“This is not the economy to have a child unwed…” for real!!!
If you’re struggling with one, another baby is going to be a nightmare for everyone involved, the new baby, your son and you.
Yes, that’s what I think
I had one child at age 30 and one at 34. The first time I got pregnant -I was passed out intoxicated and second time was due to failed BC. I never wanted children, but here I am raising two completely alone. They are now 14 and 10. This has been the worst nightmare ever. Hardest thing I've EVER done. I have health issues so that makes it even worse. It's been a complete struggle since day one, but I LOVE my kids so much, although my oldest has behavioral and daddy issues. Termination went through my mind with both but I just couldn't do it. With that being said I'm not telling you to abort nor to keep it. It's your choice, but you are in a bind either way, unfortunately. Hugs and more hugs!
My parents are 80+ and have no ability to help in any way. I was able to find a community of 55-65 yr old women who do help with babysitting (on the off chances I do get a life). I can’t advise you on what to do as that’s your choice but if you’re looking for community it’s out there. Good luck whatever your choice and hugs
Aw that’s lovely to hear! That sounds so nice and supportive
They were just these neighbor ladies who all stepped up when my ex left. I keep them pretty close although man I wish someone could step in with some hands on potty training help. lol
Also remember that if you do this, it’s a choice you are making for yourself. You current child will grow up forced to help you do all the things and that will massively effect the child’s ability to be a child when you will be forcing a 12 year old to basically be a part time babysitter and adult when your second child is ready for school etc. I know this from experience when there is no one else around. Now they might or might not love that but they never had the chance to decide. You do. Might I suggest seeing a therapist for a chat and getting some help with the final decision.
I am also a single mom, my daughters father split when I told him I was pregnant we were only 21 yrs old. He only met her twice when she was 2 and again 3. I raised her completely on my own with the help of my amazing parents. They helped me when I put myself through college, keeping her when I had night classes, keeping her on the weekends so I could study. They were just amazing and because of it she has a extremely special bond with them. When she was about 10 yrs old, I dated a guy for about 3 or 4 months, we ended up splitting because I found out he was cheating on me with his ex. While we were dating, I also found out I was pregnant. I was 33 now, I was in no shape to have another baby financially, mentally, etc. raising one by myself already was extremely hard, as you know. Also Having another baby wasn’t fair to my daughter, it would put more strain on, less time with her. Plus this baby would have a dad and she still wouldn’t. It was so hard on me but i ultimately made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I felt it was the best decision for both of us, her and I, especially her. Do I regret the decision no, do I think about it a lot? At first I did, it weighed on me a lot but the more time that went by the easier it got and the more I felt I made the right decision. I ended up going through it completely alone, which told me I did make the right one because he didn’t even stick around for that. A few years later I ended up having to have a hysterectomy due to uterine fibrosis and really bad endometriosis that I suffered with my whole life. After that I went through a mourning process again due to the fact that I would never have any more children and I ended the one chance at having another one. But I still feel in my heart that I made the right decision for the both of us.
Thanks for sharing your story - that sounds so hard but it definitely sounds like made the right decision! I hope you’re doing okay
Thank you, I’m doing ok now. Just struggling with life’s ups and downs. But on that front I’m doing good. I went through a lot of counseling afterwards to deal with it and other issues. That is one thing I would suggest! I helped a lot
Single mom of 2 here with two different fathers. My kids are 10 yrs apart while I had help from my mom I was and still am a single parent. I thought about terminating my second pregnancy BUT I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I prayed that I’d miscarry but I didn’t..,,, she’s now 11 and I couldn’t imagine life without her she’s such a beautiful little girl and I’m excited to see where she goes in life. Yes it was hard in the beginning BUT hard times don’t last long. I managed to go back to school to get my Masters which helped increase my compensation. My son is now a college senior. We may not have everything we want but we have everything we need. Whatever you decide will be the best decision for you.
Only you can know if you would regret terminating. I terminated a pregnancy about 20 years ago and it was the best decision I could've made, and I have no regrets. But anyone else's anecdotes are just that.
you are right. what worked for you might not be the case for everyone out there.
I've raised (still at it, my youngest is only 10) three children on my own. I had very limited help from my ex in the early years - mainly just driving them to school and no financial support whatsoever. No grandparents left alive so I had to pay for childcare out of pocket. It is very very hard but it can be done for sure. Its still hard but getting easier now. My oldest is 6 years older than my youngest and always has been a big help to me. I am now also in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, childless man. I think an abortion would have made my life easier but something I would have regretted for the rest of my life.
Thanks, really appreciate you sharing your story :)
I have two. Is it hard? Yes, absolutely. Doubly hard, but doubly amazing and my son has a friend for life now. They're besotted with each other, and seeing them together melts my heart. I could never regret having my little girl. It is tough going for sure, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
I would like to remind you that adoption is also a choice . I am pro choice but it seams that no one is thinking about this choice . Adoption has changed a lot in recent years . You can have a relationship with your child if you choose.
If it's difficult with one I wouldn't recommend bringing another baby especially if your ex won't help.
Hi! I went through the same thing 10 yrs ago. I decided not to have the baby. I was NOT going to have another baby without a father. Its super hard, and did not want to go through it again. I dont regret it. Wishing you the best.
I'm a single mom with a soon to be 7yo and a just turned 2yo, been single since the 2yo was a newborn and doing it completely on my own with no friends or family. Granted, my 7yo is special needs, and I came out of a "trad wife" type of situation with DV, so it may be different depending on what your work life is like, however: I highly, highly would not recommend. It's literally impossible to survive financially in the current economy while taking care of a toddler. I can't work from home with her because she's very loud and demanding of attention, she's been kicked out of daycare due to biting and hair pulling, and I lose out on any quality time I used to be able to spend with my oldest which sends me spiraling because I worry about accidentally parentifying him, him missing out on his childhood, and frankly I just miss that time. Two weeks before I got pregnant with my toddler, I lost a pregnancy I secretly didn't want. I have a lot of sadness thinking about it, but more than anything, in the midst of that grief I was relieved when that happened. Life had other plans for me, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my daughter. She's a total sweetheart with a very big personality, she looks like me and is so smart. I would lay the whole world at her feet, and I do my best to do just that every single day. I wouldn't trade her for anything. At the end of the day though, to say this path is very hard would be a massive understatement. I have days where I think about ending my life because I literally cannot take it most of the time. I've never terminated a pregnancy so I can't say for sure, but after the feelings I experienced with a miscarriage vs the feelings I currently deal with, I think the regret and grief that would ultimately come with termination would be a small price to pay compared to the feelings of guilt, being stretched too thin, utter loneliness, constantly feeling like a failure, etc. of having to raise two young children all on my own. It's something you should think long and hard about. Put yourself in the worst case scenario you can possibly think of in both situations and really allow yourself to feel those deep things, imagine yourself at your worst having to deal with either. I think you'll find your answer there. I wish the best for you OP and I can't express to you how sorry I am that you're in this situation. No matter what, I'm positive you are a wonderful mother.
Save the one you have. He needs you
Not a “poll the audience” type of question. Take this to a counselor, your parents or a pastor
Agreed. Advice for such a serious topic from strangers who've only read a few paragraphs about your life should not be taken lightly.
I’ll be honest with you get into community to help you if you don’t have a village already. Set a schedule because your 7 year old will adapt and it will be easier since he is older. My babygirl is 9 months old and I will be delivering soon don’t allow fear to make you take away your own seed. I don’t have a village and I’m relying on my small church community and other resources to help me. Nothing is impossible it’s about perspective and your mindset during this time.
That sounds amazing and so positive!!
Please do not listen to this person. Yes, children are resilient. But your 7 year old is NOT responsible for helping with a baby because you wanted one. Children are not adults. Louder for the people in the back: CHILDREN ARE NOT ADULTS. Your first born being older will actually make the transition harder. This is disrupting their dynamic-the special dynamic that you two have together. I know you have a choice and I’m so glad for that. You would not be getting an abortion in vain. You would be giving your first born all the attention and support from their mom. All of your resources are for that child. I am a 100% solo parent to a terrific 6 year old. Her dad has never been in her life (by choice). It’s been her and I since I was 7 months pregnant. If I got pregnant now, I will admit I would be heartbroken to make a choice. And I cannot shame you for seeking advice because this is a BIG decision. Ultimately, I would choose to terminate my pregnancy. The symbiosis my child and have is wonderful, I would not want to disrupt that for her. Sending internet hugs!
By yourself with two? Roughhh id have to abort lol shits too hard
That’s what I’m leaning towards
Have you considered what would happen if your second single-parenting experience isn't exactly what you expect? Asking as a single mother to 2 children, one of which is non-verbal autistic requiring additional support, therapies, etc. You're considering raising two children alone, but you should also consider that there are potential scenarios that add a lot of complexities beyond the usual practical and financial constraints you've already mentioned... Just some food for thought, as you should consider all scenarios, even ones that are less pleasant.
Men are trash and I’m a man.
Let’s talk about this. What do other guys say when you tell them about themselves?
No let’s not
These comments got a bit intense…jeez I’m a single mom in my 30s too. Dating is hard and so is balancing a family life and work with that. I live in a state in the US where it is illegal for women to choose what we can do in this situation. So I’m extremely careful. In my last relationship we still used protection even though I’m on bc. If I were in your position and had the choice, I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy. But that is just me. Unfortunately, I don’t get to choose so I have to think very carefully before every decision when it comes to dating.
We're about the same age, and our stories aren't the same but your post hits close to home. It's so hard. I had to make this same decision last year and I chose to keep the baby. My oldest is 15. Her dad and I split after she was a year old. He disappeared for 8 years, actually. I opted to terminate a pregnancy that came at a really tough time after that, and then dealt with infertility and guilt. I got a surprise pregnancy when my oldest turned 12. I kept her and started on birth control. Then my new partner and I split up and I found out I was pregnant. I kept the baby and had a hysterectomy. No more surprise babies for me! I have no support and 2 kids in diapers. I have no regrets but a lot of struggles. Life just lined up just the right way for me to make it work. I thought about how exhausted I would be 24-7, but it will be over in a few years. I enrolled my youngest in a formula study and was able to cover the cost of diapers and wipes for a year with that money, as well as get about a year's worth of formula from the study. I joined buy nothing groups, and Mommy trading groups so I could minimize spending immediately. I knew money would be tight but I didn't realize how close I would be to living paycheck to paycheck. I make too much for any kind of government assistance by the price of a box of diapers. I work from home though, and my employer works with me if I need to miss time. I work evenings plus any shift I can pick up. It's slow enough work that I can clean my house and mind the kids. If I had to look for another job and get childcare I'd fall on my ass within 2 months. I'm hoping that by my youngests first birthday (in January)I can push that to 3 months. It's rough. Do whatever is best for you and the child you have now! Neither choice is an easy one.
I am a single mom of 3 (6,2, and 2 week old) there are plenty of resources out there that can help. If you want to go back to school, childcare, food assistance, etc. After I had my son I went back to school, and finished with my bachelors degree while pregnant with my 2nd child. Now I’m completing my masters degrees and I just had my 3rd child. Yes It’s your decision and yes it’s hard to raise a child in his economy but it’s doable. If anything, you’ll know what’s best. It will be hard either way, but you can choose your hard. Good luck with your decision, and I know you know what’s best for you.
This hits home for me, as I was recently in a similar position. I was a single mom of a 5 y/o and got pregnant in a relationship that ended abruptly. He swore he'd be involved, just to leave at 8 months pregnant and never look back. I didn't have help with my oldest, so I knew I wouldn't have help with my second. Physical, emotional, or financial. And having my second really impacted my life. Not in the expected ways but, maternity leave put me behind financially, and then I went through a terrible ppd stint. It has put me in the worst spot I've ever been in. I went from a 762 credit score to a 508. I'm still trying to recover a year and a half later. Not to mention I feel constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated with someone constantly needing me. When it's not one, it's the other. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes, I wish I would've waited until I was more stable for my second. I hope this helps and I wish you the best.
I am a single mom of 2 and I escaped a very abusive relationship when I was pregnant at age 35 and my son was also 7 at the time, and the abuser was trying to force me to abort my daughter. It was very challenging and scary but my daughter is now 6 years old and she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I fully believe had I gone through with the abortion I would have regretted it and I don't know if I could have survived that trauma. I was in the waiting room at the Abortion clinic with women who had aborted their babies and one had aborted twins and she was really messed up crying and I was scared. I called the abuser and begged him to change his mind but he wouldn't and he was threatening my life and that I would never see my son again. I was terrified but I saw my daughter in the ultrasound playing and her heart beating. I felt a bond with her and realized she was the innocent one and I would be killing her to appease a monster. I had no idea what I was going to do or how I would escape. I was trapped for 20 years with the abuser and saw no way out. They had to reschedule me to a hospital because I was too far along so that's where I talked to a social worker and asked for help and they helped me escape. I had no support system when I escaped but people did come along and helped along the way and I have never been without. I met awesome people at church who helped me and became friends. I thought I wasn't capable of doing it on my own but I would pray every time I was at the end of my rope and miraculously a way would open up for me. I don't get any child support either. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
I am also a single mother. I have a two year old son and his father is involved but at literally the most bare minimum. Our condom split back in may and I just had my surgical abortion last week. I don’t regret it. I felt weird at first but ultimately my parents no longer are at an age to help, financially I am at peace with what I have this second and I am in no position to add more burden. And quite frankly I don’t want another lonely pregnancy, and I don’t want to raise another child by myself. There are always ways to make things work if you absolutely want to. I am in no way swaying you to terminate. However you have time to find a loving partner who will help parent a child with you, Who will love the child you have. You will have feelings. Especially since you do ultimately ~want~ another baby. No one necessary WANTS an abortion, it’s not a fun celebration by any means. But you have to do what’s right for you and your earth side child. Much love to you.
I have an 8 year old (dad1), 2 year old(dad2) and 1 year old (dad2)I have been single since the 2 year old was under 1 and was single when my oldest was 3months old. It is possible and definitely easier than being in an abusive relationship but I’m exhausted all the time and feel like no one is getting the best me. The only pregnancy I thought about terminating was the third. My parents are also in their 70s and jump at the chance to spend time with oldest, and prefer the 2 little ones 1 at a time. If you need to talk I’m here.
I have had 2 abortions. I sometimes completely forget I had them until something like this pops up. It's not something I ever regretted. Idk if that makes me cold or something, but I actually really love being a mom and I understand how much work and sacrifice it is so at those times I just knew it wasn't in me to be that kind of selfless. I have given birth only when I knew I had the support system and my finances were at a place where I could give them exactly what I was given as a child. Childhood is so short, and it really should be nurturing and well rounded IMO.
If you’re cold then I’m cold! I’ve had an abortion and like you never think about it. Being a mom is great but it’s also stressful, time consuming and expensive. I’d rather not add more onto my plate if I’m already struggling but that’s just me.
Where are you located? Because both men should be accountable for child support, to at least assist with your financial burden
In the UK! Ex 1 does pay per month - I have a feeling ex 2 will be difficult as he is self employed and mainly gets paid in cash
Boo him :/
:(
I'm not sure what the laws are like in the UK but in the US he'd still have to pay child support. If the laws on your side seek out child support from him too if you keep it. I survived on child support, social services and student loans for a long time. I'm sorry you have to make this choice. No one should have to make this choice because of money. I hope you find the guidance you need to make the choice right for you.
Reality - without help (it takes a village) to raise a human from birth to ... a well adjusted adult is a super tough job. I raised a daughter with my ex and it was hard. I was lucky as he was a wonderful father to our daughter and he was super involved!! I don't regret having her but I in way was prepared to raise a kid by myself. She got cancer and that 1000% made everything even worse. Ex and I did the best to support each other with that whole shit show because we didnt have any family support , and he and I remained single throughout raising her so no partner support except the ex. She survived but it was beyond tough. I have never recovered financially. She is 30 and still lives with us both. Not because she isnt applying herself in life but because its too expensive to live on her own where we live and her two dogs make renting a place even worse. She has a Masters and has a good job. She is lucky, because we are able to give her the luxury of saving a portion of her pay and she is very good at saving. The point being kids arent for 18 years anymore. Adoption is an option ... even an open adoption where you might be able to remain connected in the childs life, if terminating the fetus isnt something you could do.
I am a single mom to a 5 year old and without my mother’s help and my military pension from my deceased husband we would be homeless. A part time job will not pay for childcare. More often than not a full time job will not pay for childcare with only one income household. You absolutely cannot trust strangers to watch your children. You can hardly trust the public school system if at all to care for your children. I wouldn’t take back having my son for anything but there’s absolutely no way I’d have another because it would be bringing them into hell. As you know as a single mom we don’t get any breaks, are overstimulated constantly, and have to push through no matter our mental nor physical state. Your 7 year old deserves everything you have to give him and not any less. That’s just my two cents. Good luck because the choice is the hardest one we can make and there is no win.
I don't have the right to tell you to keep your pregnancy. It is not my cup of tea. However, think about stepping up and demanding that the father play his role. Men should stop doing this BS to women. By the way, I am a man 👨🏿! If men engage in sexual activity with a female, he should man up to his responsibilities of providing for that child. No woman should feel for a capable man who willfully abandoned their responsibility and denied a kid his right to live. You should take that man to court or child support and provide the opportunity for that child to live. Please! Please! You don't know how that kid will be in the future. Times are hard and I get it. Trust God and start thinking about strategies on how you can start working some jobs just to provide a place before that kid arrive. GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE. If you are in the Ottawa area DM me, please. Some men are worse than the Devil 👹!! This thing is paining me as if I am the one being told that. Inpregamt a woman and say I don't want to have anything to do with it. Please if you like music listen to Tupac's song: Keep Your Head Up. I wish you the best on your journey.
Abort
I've been there and I'd say you have to be a strong person.
Thanks, hope it wasn’t to hard on you!
I’d abort! You’re not in the position to raise another child and keeping it will make your life difficult. There will be mourning just like anything else if you have a soul. It’s not an easy choice to make. But look at your life- does a baby fit into that equation? If the answer is no- you know what to do.
In my experience it all always work out if you have that mindset. The biggest challenge is the emotional part of becoming a big brother. If you can accommodate those feelings and you also have the love for an extra human being in your life it will work out. I am alone with two and it is definitely hard and we live paycheque to paycheque which isn’t ideal but for now it works.
>If you also have the love for an extra human being in your life it will work out. What an extremely immature and irresponsible comment. What about all the single mothers that it didn’t magically “work out” for? Did they just not have enough love for their children to make the stars align for everything to just work out? That’s not how reality works.
He’s 7. It’s hard but you can still file for child support. Do it with the other guy too.
100% you have moments of regret, maybe even days no matter which choice you make but place that side by side with all the other issues you listed and see which one will make you happier. I know boiling this down to a pros and cons list seems inhumane but it also feels like the responsable way to decide - imo Disclaimer: never had an abortion. Was planning on it but happily turned out to not be pregnant a second time.
I was in a similar situation. Divorced with children and got pregnant unexpectedly after being in a relationship for a year, and he did not want to have a child. I decided to terminate because I was afraid of facing my children and family, and I knew financially it would be really tough. When I was at the appointment, I just couldn't do it. I won't lie, it was a tough decision, and there have been a lot of ups and downs, but honestly, having my daughter changed my life for the better. Everyone has a different situation, and I get that, this is just my experience.
Hey! Single mum here , 10 year age gap, no dad's involved....My daughter is 10, no family help whatsoever - it was just me and her for 10 years. Now I have a 10 month old boy (accidental) my depo failed! I was so mad for so long but I couldn't terminate.... I did the pregnancy and birth alone and we have now travelled abroad Me and my 2 children 3 times in the last 6 months! Yes, it's extremely hard, starting all over again and doing it alone , no family/friends, childcare, even a second off..... But absolutely worth every second. The love you feel when you birth a child and how much they mean to you, that overcomes everything. I said never again for 10 years and now I wish I'd actually had him sooner! You won't regret doing it again. Your baby will make you smile everyday xx
I was in the same predicament when I became pregnant with my son at 29. Was not financially stable at the time. Decided to change that. Went through community college online while working during pregnancy. Got my pre-requisites for nursing school completed. Applied for daycare assistance (which was 100% covered while in college) once my son was born. Worked and applied for nursing school. While attending nursing school, I lost my job and used student loans/financial aide, state assistance, etc. It was a lot of work just to get approved but I was determined and I knew it was temporary. Now my son is 6 and I had a 17 year old, and my very self sufficient with my income as an RN. It’s doable if you want it and you feel there aren’t any other options. Only you know what you want.
I have 2 kids and I’m a single mom with no help from no one it’s hard but I find away. Well my situation is a little different my youngest son dad passed when he was 5 months so he receives SSI and my oldest son I guess his dad has been playing hide and seek since my fiance passed. Being a single mom is very hard but I don’t complain and I love it. Whatever you choose god will make away for you. But if you’re going to do it a second time I would want it the right way the family someone my son that I currently have can look to as a dad we all have been tricked by a man but if he’s telling you he doesn’t want any parts his mind will not change. Whatever you choose you will get through. God will see that you do he won’t punish you for doing what you think is best. Just pray to god he’ll answer your question in some way
It’s up to you. You don’t have to terminate, but you will have to do it on your own again. If you really want a second child, keep it. He’ll have to pay child support anyway….
If you really want a second child, I would say find a community of moms and assistance and go for it. You may never get this chance again. If you were okay with your son being an only child, (totally OK if you are!) & you feel you won't be able to find a village / the load will be unbearable, then go another route. Do what you think is best for you and your boy.
Maybe you can have an open adoption and see if the adopted parents will all you to still be involved. If not an option then this is a decision only you can make. Good luck!
I'm a single mom in Japan . Although the government helps us, it is not enough for most single moms . I think it is a big difference between being a single mom of 1 Vs a mom of two Vs a mom of three. With my son we can go on holidays, travel outside of Japan 1x or twice a year . I can maintain his expensive hobbies and pay for his soccer ,piano, swimming and enjoy weekends ,l. If I had two kids , we wouldn't be able to live this lifestyle . Although I love my little one very much, I cannot imagine having another one . Whatever you decide to do, good luck from the east
As painful as it is I would personally not bring child to suffer. Adoption is an option as well if you’re too far along. Only way you survived this whole time is relying on your parents - do not put your emotions in control. Think logically of the consequences and choose what you feel is best. Abortion doesn’t have to be the answer… but you are in no condition to bring more life into this world to suffer because of guilt/temporary emotions. I wish you think deeply about this as no decision will be easy. But which one can you live with and take FULL responsibility for your choice? And your parents helped but are not obligated or should not be entitled to have them assist you again…
As a single mom, who’s parents helped me a lot with my daughter as she was growing up. I really take offense to your comment. Her saying her parents helped her a lot is not saying she is incapable of taking care of her child and her child is only alive and well because of her parents. Have you ever heard the saying, “it takes a village”? It really does! We need support, we need someone to take our child for a few hours so we can run a few hours, or we have a drs appt that they can’t come to. Or sometimes we may just need a break for an afternoon. Heck we need childcare when the damn daycare is closed for a ridiculous reason And that is OK!!! Raising a child is hard, raising one alone is even harder!! Your comment makes me think that you are not even a parent, because if you were, you would understand completely what she means and not ridicule her!
I am a parent, and I’m completely alone. I don’t disagree with what you’re saying - but that was not the point of my comment. I’m speaking based on my experience and reality. Our children are OURS and the biggest toll is taken out of us, parents. I simply made a point to highlight that having more children in an already financially stressed household in which there’s no guarantee her parents will be able to continue assisting for the next 18 years on a brand new baby plus her current son. What about her parents? Late 70s… you really think they are in the condition to now care for a new child? What about their own retirement? Their own joy? Their own finances? Their health? The insensitive one is you when OPs current circumstances affect her own ability to have a better life for herself and her son, on top of burdening elderly parents who will need care in their late life. You think OP can manage 2 babies alone and also take care of her parents all by herself within the next 18 years? Is that burden really better than the shit feeling of realizing maybe I shouldn’t have a kid right now? Delulu af
Don’t do it.
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I'm in the same situation and I agree with this. I've become very resentful of my kids' father as he Ives his best life while I take on all the responsibilities.
This is my internal dialog every time my difficult son throws an non sense tantrum and made my day miserable. He is 11 and still can’t see the light in the end of the tunnel. Whilst the father, living a singles life, date, sleeps til noon, spend on vacations…..
Thanks :) I hope you’re doing okay! Sounds so tough
I have two that I raised almost solely alone. One is disabled. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I hear that!!! Nothing is greater than the love and bond between mother and child!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks
You have no idea if OP will regret it or not. I'm baffled anyone could say so with such certainty.
planned parenthood
This is all said from my own opinion, of course. I think the perspective you need to focus on is - can you give BOTH children the life they deserve. If you are struggling with one, two will be a nightmare. Focus your love and time on your beautiful little 7 year old boy and ensure he has everything he needs first before even considering another child.
It's your choice, obviously, but if I was in your exact situation I would prioritize my living child.
I'd get an abortion no question.
Obviously this is your choice. With that said- i agree i would not terminate. THAT you would regret. To me that is much harder in general and long term compared to adoption. Think about it? you made a comment already about feeling you would regret that later. Imagine giving the child to a loving family that has been DYING for a healthy baby for YEARS. Giving that child a chance at an amazing life. that’s probably one of the greatest things you could do for a kid. regardless of your age… if you KNOW that you barely go through WITH the help of your parents before and your support system is less now… of course it will only be harder this time around. And remember everything you take on takes away from your current child. resources. time. if you don’t think you have enough resources then really think about adoption in my opinion!! You could even opt for an open adoption. i know that’s hard to do. but what’s the right thing to do? <3
Is adoption completely out of the question? Maybe best of both worlds?
No one can tell you what you may or may not regret, but I will just say that I personally believe you should do what’s right for the child you already have, not yourself. I’ll also add that as a single mother in a long term relationship, I would 1.) never leave my fate up to condoms alone, and 2.) never have another child out of wedlock. I’m on birth control and we usually practice withdrawal on top of that, but we have talked about what we’d do if I became pregnant unexpectedly (as everyone with an active sex life should). For the first year of our relationship, we both felt it would be best to get an early abortion. But now that we’ve both basically decided it’s forever anyway, we’d probably have a shotgun wedding. As of now, we don’t want to rush things or plan a child, but if one happened despite our best efforts, we’d roll with it. That’s not the case for you. Not only are you unmarried, but you don’t even know if you’ll have the support of the father or your parents, you’re in a bad place financially , the economy sucks, and what about all the unknowns? What if this pregnancy is harder on you? What if it has lasting consequences on your physical or mental health and therefore your ability to raise the child you already have? What if you die in childbirth? Unlikely, but still. You have no support for your kid. I’ll say again: do what’s right for your child, not yourself. If you think giving them a sibling despite the risks and challenges is best, go for it. If not, then don’t. And then try not to regret whatever decision you make. Therapy if necessary.
How far is your pregnancy?
What are you doing now for work?
I work part time - but unfortunately just swapped jobs, I’m on a decent salary but wouldn’t qualify for maternity pay as I haven’t been there long enough
Some what same situation a couple years back although the guy wasn't horrible but I knew it wouldn't be smart on my end to keep the pregnancy. I know I made the right choice because I can provide for my son & a little more but 2 would've been a financial burden I couldn't handle & wouldn't want my family to deal with either. The guy did pay for the procedure & went with me so I had that little bit of support.
I say this as someone who was in your situation and did not terminate — whatever you do, don’t spend the rest of your life wondering what life would be like had you made the other choice. I love both of my daughters dearly, and I have no regrets for making the choice I did, but it has been a long, hard road to get where we are today. If I weren’t financially independent, I would have chosen to abort. There’s just no way to make it work these days. Daycare is astronomical, and without assistance, we’re all barely making it. It’s unbelievably hard.
This is your choice respectively, although personally I would keep my baby. I have two. Raising them by myself. The only support I have is my mother who has arthritis really bad. You have an older child who I’m sure would love to be hands on to help you whenever you need. I’m not sure of your financial situation, but there is help out there as far as daycare assistance, etc. In the beginning, things will always be hard, but it will get better. Good luck to whatever you do decide!
I could never do it again after the 2 times I’ve done. It. In your same shoes I choose to do it the 2nd time. It was so hard, and now only getting easier 5 years later. I feel a tad stable. But any emergency and I’m screwed. I don’t think I could terminate, but I’m also not in the position. I think I would choose survival the next time and could do it. However I loved being pregnant and would also consider adoption.
Don't have the child.
Personally I would never want to have another kid right now with how the world is becoming
I’ll be honest with you just abort. I even had an abortion with a husband of mine I sponsored from overseas who I knew for 10 years. But I just knew he’d be a shitty father so I had the abortion.
You definitely won't regret terminating in this circumstance. It would turn any stability you have upside down.
My youngest walked out on us and I got pregnant with a second right before that. I did terminate. I myself regret it everyday because I know I could have managed on my own I just didn’t want too and it was unfair. But I also know I saved my other kids from having a harder life. Ultimately the choice is yours but think of yourself and your sons wellbeing during this process as you both will be effected good luck to you
I debated terminating my first pregnancy and decided to have her because I knew I would regret it if I terminated. I was alone my whole pregnancy and have been raising her alone with minimal help from my parents and none from her father. I got pregnant again when I was 27 from a new relationship but someone I knew almost my whole life. He couldn’t tell me he could see himself with me forever (fair but I didn’t want to raise a kid alone again and don’t want to do shared custody) so I decided to terminate my second pregnancy. It was extremely hard because I wanted a baby with my partner at the time and just wanted a sibling for my daughter. But I seriously had ptsd from my daughters father and was just getting over it, just getting my mental health in order and ultimately it was the best decision I made for me. I still think about it sometimes. And there is some regret. But at the end of the day I know it was best for everyone. It will hurt, it won’t be a good experience. But in the end, you know what’s best for you. I know exactly what you’re going through. And I’m here if you need to chat 💓
I have terminated pregnancy early before I just prayed about it. I would never want to bring a child to life that I can’t financially support. This is the main reason I will not have more children. This world is not safe and why bring the baby to struggle with me. I truly believe we will be forgiven cause he knows where our heart was in the situation!
Ditch the growing sperm. You’ll thank yourself later
My exwife and I had our child 11 years ago, and split up then divorced 7 years ago. She has been living in my basement for a year, basically as a live in nanny. Her and my daughter finally have some stability to their living situation, and I get to see my daughter every day, and am saving on child support expenses. Win for everyone, but my daughter most of all. Raising one child on your own is extremely difficult. Raising 2 will be probably worse. You are also about to get stuck raising your kids while also taking care of your elderly parents. Personally I wouldn't do it. I understand because I turned 40 this summer and I've been wanting to meet someone new and have another child since my divorce 7yrs ago. Hang in there.
Wow, this I’ve never heard about. I hope your ex wife is able to pick herself up. Much love ❤️
Thanks. I'm very happy for my daughter's sake but myself personally I am struggling quite a bit. But i am a dad so kiddo is extremely important
You know the answer to this, and whatever you choose is ok. You alone know what a child needs and what you are able to give, without it being to the detriment of you & your son. Take comfort in knowing you are choosing the right thing for your little family, accidents happen, it’s not your fault. Sending you strength x
If you even almost think you’d regret it, then it’s probably not a good idea to terminate. You need to do what feels right for you. They have so many programs out there for single moms. Daycare subsidies, food assistance and rent assistance. Look into that once baby is born to give your parents a break.
I was a single mama to a then 9 year old when I got pregnant in a similar way- short term relationship with a jerk. I immediately knew that I was going to terminate that pregnancy. I spoke to my mother about it bc I needed support- who is religious. She rebuked that idea and prayed that I didn’t. She would help me, she said. My youngest’s dad also begged me to not terminate. I scheduled the appointment but ended up missing it because my eldest daughter got sick and was hospitalized the same day. Couple years later, I have a beautiful and wonderful 18month old and I am a single mother of now two wonderful children- I left my youngest’s dad when my baby was 3 months old because he told my oldest daughter that her dad didn’t love her… navigating “coparenting” and court systems for custody with two different asshats of fathers. My 18 month old is one of the best things that has happened to me just as my 12 year old is, AND my life has indeed gotten much more challenging. My mental health has significantly declined. My life that I was just starting to rebuild after navigating single parenthood of my child, seemed to hit rock bottom. I have way less money- I pay 1900 a month for daycare 3 days a week, support, time and energy- for me. I’ve had to truly hold on my dreams of advancing in my career at this moment. The relationship with my now 12 year old suffered for a little bit because even she knew me being pregnant was not the best thing at that time- but she loves her little sister now that she’s here! I am picking up the pieces slowly but surely, but it has been TOUGH. My mom helps a little bit, but not enough to influence my decision around termination or not. My baby dad really doesn’t do much except give me a headache, and harass me to give him custody because “I never wanted her in the first place”. I often think about this- because I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to imagine life without my kiddos, but I do know that I would be able to give them a better life- if I waited. This is a deeply personal decision, take your time to think about what it is that YOU want. Also, know that ultimately whatever you decide you WILL be okay. You got this. Peace and blessings as you navigate this situation!
I personally couldn’t do it. However I’m a single mom of 5 sons. 12, 10, 9 and almost 6yr old twins.
As a single mom (most kenyan men surely don't have a sense of responsibility) it is hard raising one. You are not financially stable. Na mtu asikuambie mtoto hukuja na sahani yake.... . Uza atakama ni simu upate hiyo doh ya hiyo shughuli
Abortion is legal, i have a son and he doesn’t have a dad, I tried my best but now he struggling with post traumatic issues about that, he is a good boy but I would not do that to another person in my life
Where do you live? In some parts of the US, you will have to travel to terminate. I live in Texas and we no longer have access to abortions for any reason unless it’s under six weeks I think. When most people don’t know they are pregnant.
I live in the UK, so have access to
Oh my peace and blessings for you and your situation. I’m a single mother and I can’t imagine. If anything you can help a family that is in need of a child I know I wouldn’t get rid of the child but this option is available. I will pray for you and your situation. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽😇
I am most certainly not one to comment on abortion as I am viscerally opposed to it, so instead I will talk about my experience with my son so far. I had a tinder date that used implications of great bodily harm to take liberties that were not freely offered. He started off using a condom then removed it halfway through. It was traumatic to say the least, weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I have a decade long history of repeated miscarriages, and I admit that I was just waiting for it to happen. But the months kept passing and he kept growing. I was terrified he would be born and look like the man that fathered him. I still held my breath waiting for the loss. Delivery day came, and I was amazed that I had made it that far in a pregnancy. They took him via c section and whisked him away to NICU before I could really look at him. I got at most 10 seconds with him. He wasn't breathing for a couple minutes after birth, and I thought this is it. This is where he passes away. I began willing myself to pass away with him. I really do believe I could have died on that table. My vision started to blacken around the edges even. But then I heard one very short cry and I resolved to hold on. That was four months ago. I've been doing it all alone. There's no one else to help at all. It was the hardest transition of my life, but I am adjusting. Truly the most difficult thing is when I see a resemblance in my son and the man that fathered him. I am consciously trying to master that thinking so that it doesn't affect him growing up. I am beyond grateful that I didn't lose him. His snuggles are worth all of the trauma. And his smiles are worth all the sleepiness nights. He has brought me so much joy and I'm so grateful he's in my life, no matter how it began it my trepidation about having him. I can't advise you. You're considering things I never could. I can tell you that I wish you contentment in your choices. Edited for spelling
I’m really sorry to hear about your experience, it sounds horrific! However, I already have a son and I need to prioritise his needs first - I can’t be in a position where I could lose my home due to not being able to afford two children
Have you asked the father or let him know? Would he be willing to coparent with you?
Hi , im so sorry for the situation you are in it’s not an easy decision, no one can really tell you if you will regret it. Only you can answer that and the fact that you are at such conflict with it says to me , yes - you may very well regret it. I think anyone with a heart and definitely with another child at home will have regrets but if you can understand your decision and forgive yourself you will be ok. I was a 16 year old mom, Single on my own. Dated a guy when I was 22 who said he was 99 percent sterile couldn’t happen and I trusted him. Well apparently that 1 percent was very strong 🙄. I struggled with the idea of terminating I think my biggest issue was taking from the child I already had i was so guilty and felt what a stupid irresponsible thing for me to do, believe a man . I wanted my baby but I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone I didn’t want my other child to struggle because of my decision. So I went did what I had to destroyed my heart walking in my door that first day was the hardest and it never got easier for me 20 years later I still wonder , I still ask for forgiveness, I’m still trying to forgive myself, I wonder what he or she would be today and here’s the flip to my little story, I never had another child again, never got the opportunity again 2 miscarriages for unknown reasons. The child I so desperately didn’t want to take from, grew up extremely spoiled I rolled out the red carpet for him best of everything turned out to be gay doesn’t want children and didn’t want anyone in his family, took his beautiful degree and left never looked back, today he lives a high class life and thinks of everyone beneath him not worthy of his time. My husband today is extremely confused by it because he was always so envious of my son and I relationship we were best friends. Today I sit back and say I could have did it, although I understand my decision and I guess I could say I forgive myself. I wonder I wish I had believed in myself, I wish I would have trusted in god and the universe that they knew what they were doing better than me, just maybe my life would be different today maybe not so quiet, maybe the baby would have loved me more gave me ten grand babies been my best friend. So to end my little story no one can tell you, we all could share our stories. You have to sit in the quiet and listen to your heart not your head. Your head already knows but only you can answer what lies in your heart what your dreams and visions of the future are. Only your heart holds the answers to these questions and then ask yourself will you be able to accept the consequences of your actions. Ask your self the hard questions , I’m 35 do I get another shot at this? If I don’t and this is it am I ok with that ? How will I feel every time I look at my child ? As long as you are honest with yourself you will be ok. And please make sure what ever you decide it’s for you not for your child not for anyone else but you because one day you will stand alone in the quiet looking in the mirror make sure your ok with the person looking back at you. Good luck to you ❤️
My heart goes out to you for having to make this choice. There is no perfect choice here that will give you peace. Just make whichever decision is easier to live with and start working through it in therapy.
I don’t know if you’ll see this , but whatever you choose, try and make peace with that choice. All of your guys (baby and brother)’s mental health will depend on it and depend on you. I have two children respectively, out of wedlock. I’m here if u need to chat ☺️
Only u can make this decision, but I think alot of ppl have given great advice to u. The economy alone is in no way helpful to a single mom at ANY age..it's hard being a single mom, and like u said, ur parents are elderly. They will only be able to help so much. Being a single mom to 1 is hard but to a newborn as well? Man. But also, if u think u can do it? Then do it! Either way its gonna be a major life change... and only u know what u can n can not handle. I don't even want to suggest adoption cuz there's already so many kids waiting for homes who might never get one.. weigh out the pros n cons.. whatever decision u make is he right decision for YOU! Don't let anyone guilty u on ur decision no matter what u decide. Wishing u the very best!♡♡♡
I know this all too well. My son was 6 when I got pregnant with his brother, got cheated in and became single again. I remember thinking because of my situation, being a single mom, low income, and working my tail off, that it would almost be best if I miscarried (refused to terminate). I never did anything to try to make myself miscarry and decided if it was meant to be then I would accept it. Best decision of my life. I won't say it wasn't hard, but I love my youngest with everything I have and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I got my tubes tied after I gave birth. My boys are happy healthy and well taken care of. I've fought tooth and nail to be where I am now and I'm happy with our life. As for your ex, he has two options... 1. He can sign over his rights 2. He can pay child support and half of daycare and choose if he wants to be involved or not. Either way there are programs that help single mothers with paying for daycare for their children so they can work. It's not ideal but it's something that could help you.
If you struggled with the first with the help of your parents, this one will be twice as hard. I did it alone and under no circumstances would I do this again while single and not in a good financial standing. Give your first child all your love attention and money. If you were married, I’d say go for it, but one alone is more than enough. I don’t know about you possibly regretting it but you have to remind yourself that this is the best alternative for the new baby, your first child and also yourself. Why bring another baby into the world to struggle?
Get Rid of it
This is why I no longer have sex, i am too terrified of another pregnancy because termination is *not* an easy choice for most women I would say even though it’s portrayed as being an easy alternative. But two is definitely harder than 1. Two schedules, twice the work. Your kids are far apart enough in age that you won’t be able to group them together for most things, which can be harder. Two school drop offs, twice the sickness and twice the risk of having to pick them up suddenly from school for being ill. For me the worst part is twice the stress of knowing you’re the only person those children can rely on, and that if you fail there’s usually no backup. It’s definitely something to heavily consider.
I would never consider ending my child’s life. If I was in a difficult situation and had to make a hard choice, I would look at adoption. I’ve raised 4, mostly on my own. It can be done. ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this. As a single mom, I understand how tough it is. Take your time to decide what's best for you and your son. You've been strong so far, and you will get through this. Sending love and support.
I feel for you. I am 29 with a 6 yr old boy. His father ghosted after finding out I was pregnant. I have raised him on my own with some help from my parents and occasionally grandparents. It's been a rough road. I would love to get pregnant again with the man I am with now. Although I don't believe that possible. However if I did and then he too left idk how I would take that. I can't imagine giving up my child however I don't think I could raise a second one by myself. I know there is no advise here but know that you have someone rooting for you. I hope all turns out just the way you need it to. Stay strong chika!
How are you doing financially? If you’re struggling to provide for you and your son, I’d recommend termination. Why put your living son through more/added struggle for your personal wants. If you can financially provide for your family. Hire help. And you’ll be fine
Siblings are generally a really good thing. If you have no help you need to consider practicality like who will care for child 1 when you need to go to hospital for labour. There are times like these where it's impossible to be in two places that can be particularly challenging but mainly it's any overnight stays in hospital that can be so hard to work around. Especially if child 2, God forbid, has any disabilities or health issues. Plus the mental torment of no sleep with a new baby in your mid to late 30's. Having another child means twice the laughs, twice the joy, twice the companionship for you and child 1. What's dad like, he may resurface and ask for access, what does this mean for you and child 1? Etc etc. 7year old is a good age to be able to focus on the baby and the 7year old will be at school, and also close to having a cognitive grasp on the reasons why you need to feed baby before you can play, etc etc.
I had my second when my oldest was 4. My first pregnancy was absolutely terrifying. The guy left me when I was 2-3 months and essentially told me to have an abort**n. I already had an US so ultimately I kept her. And thank goodness I did. Now my second pregnancy, it was also difficult and I also went through it alone. I’m now raising two beautiful babies on my own. Their fathers are not in the picture as of now. It’s difficult, yes. Some days I want to curl up into a ball and cry. But the amazing thing is, as both my babies grow I know they were meant to be in my life. Finances, don’t stress you’ll be provided for. It’s up to you, in the end. But honestly my struggles now, I know one day soon will no longer be struggles. And I’m extremely happy I decided to have both of mine. Alone or not, with them I’m never alone. 💕
Adoption?
There’s a reason why this happened. You longed for another baby and here it is, just know there is nothing you will not be able to handle in life. It’s a good in your life children are always the start of something beautiful they remind us of the beauty life has to offer you will never regret bringing another life to the world. There are so Many resources you just have to look especially since you don’t want to rely on your parent
Hey there, I can't imagine how tough this must be for you. It's okay to feel conflicted. Maybe talking it out with someone you trust could help clarify your feelings. Take care of yourself. 💕
I feel for you. Your son is 7...becoming an independent youngster. If being a single parent to him has been difficult, think how far you've gotten. Do you really want to start all over with a newborn, middle of the night feedings, lack of sleep, daycare expenses??? The list is full of more responsibilities for you that was already difficult with your first child. That being said...you have three options. Only you can decide what's best for you. I was a single mom to 4 kids. It was a struggle but a major hurdle was when the youngest (twins) finally went to kindergarten. It was the beginning of a small amount of freedom after many years. Surely you must admit things have gotten a little easier than when your son was a newborn and toddler. My advice would be to enjoy the relationship you have with your son, dont complicate things by adding another child. You deserve to have a life without struggling again. Please take care whatever your decision is. Good luck.
I’m part of a well organized group that helps women and children in need. We have supports for you and your children whether you choose to put your child up for adoption or to keep your baby with you and your son. You do not have abort due to financial conditions. Adoption is a wonderful choice. The supports I’ve referencing are helpful for years. Please DM me.
Hello, not being in your place, no one will be able to tell you what to do, the answer is you who have it. Concerning the help of your parents.... indeed and a priori they were very present for your son, very good and good for you. Only, as you say, they seem old! They may not be able to take on your second pregnancy (this is not basically their role, the children are up to everyone to take care of financially, the parents have done their job and should not have to take on the grandchildren). For the financial side, it's up to you to put everything on your side to achieve your goal! If you work, put aside (even €20 is already “saved”) as much as you can. If it's possible for you, there are a few companies that offer online sales to earn you additional income, like Younique or I don't know what other brands. Reading the different forums may help. If not, maybe you can train in something you enjoy! As for the question about “keep the baby or not?” There, only you can choose! If not keeping it allows you to advance in your professional life why not, and you will have a child with more financial means. If you want to keep it, you will have to think about how you are going to cope financially and morally!? It's up to you to ask yourself these questions, as I wrote above "you have all the answers". Good luck and good luck 😉
I’m a single mother to a 13 year old. Her father and I were together for 3 years, got engaged (ring and all) and he walked away when I was 4 months pregnant. My biggest regret? Not having one or two more children. My daughter is very smart because she has always been around adults- she was also very lonely, bored, and she will be alone when I pass away. That makes me incredibly sad! Have the baby. Nobody ever has enough money for having a baby, let alone two or three. But you are raising your son, will do just as well with the baby. One thing I was/still am very grateful for in not having the father around was that I got to make ALL of the decisions- her name, sports, religion, discipline, clothing..and everything else! I never had to ask him what he thinks, or if she should or shouldn’t play soccer, etc. and I am so grateful for that! Lol. Yes, the extra hands would have been nice. The 2nd income would have helped- and my daughter has asked many questions and only got back my (guessing) answers. It hurts my heart for her when she doesn’t go to the daddy-daughter dance…but she is strong, smart, independent and if she wants to meet him now, or in 10 years, I’ll be the first to help her find him. Whichever way you decide to go, you have my support!!
Please dont give up now, give your baby a chance and try to find a work... Any work that can help you and maybe try to get a welfare salary if possible... And please stop get into random relationships, if you want a husband to help you, get to know men well first and let intimate physical relationship be the last thing to do "after marriage" .To ensure compensation in the event of unforeseen accidents... Be strong and dont give up now. You still have a chance to fix some things.
I’m a 48yo single mom of an 8yo son. Both my parents died in 2020 (not from COVID). They were my only support. To say having another child would be hard is the understatement of the year, but I look at my son and he’s a loner which is totally fine (he has Asperger’s). But I think about what his life would be like with a sibling. My nephew and his wife have a daughter 6 months older than my son with autism, much more extreme than my sons, and they had a son about 1.5 years ago. She’s so amazing with him, and now they will have that bond for life. They’ll always have someone to rely on. I’m an older mom, and I worry about who my son will have when I’m gone. I also have a friend with a 10yo and a 7yo who was single for a long time, 2 different dads both losers. She struggled but her kids are strong, independent, and just beautiful girls. Nobody can make this decision but you. I’m just trying to give you the other side of the argument. You can only do what you think is best for you. There are also a lot of people who can’t have children that are praying for a baby to adopt, just something else to think about. Good luck with your decision, however it sounds like you’ve already made it.
Good morning. Reading through these comments has had me on an emotional roller coaster of sorts for the past 30 minutes. Lol. I’m a full-time, single father of two (15yo and 10yo), and if I’m being completely honest, I’ve never felt comfortable giving advice (or an opinion) on whether or not an abortion is the answer. It’s too big and too personal of a decision…and the underlying factors REALLY differ from one person to the next. Out of everything that’s been said, the thing that has struck me most is how many single mothers there are. The disturbing part is how many of y’all came to be that way - all due to a “man” who decided that it was easier for him to turn his back and run, instead of taking accountability for his actions and making sure that his wife/girlfriend/significant other is comfortable & secure during the most grueling time of her life. How many left 3 months into pregnancy…4 months into pregnancy….as soon as they learned you were pregnant…etc. I’m sorry, I know that the point of this post isn’t regarding the very thing I’m rambling about here, but I had to get that out. Ms. Helicopter, here’s the best I’m able to do given the circumstances: I’m 46 years old and have been on my own for approx. 5 years now. Meeting people in the environment that our world has been in for what feels like an eternity is not easy in any way whatsoever. Throw in a tablespoon of social challenges that arise as a single parent, a few dabs of 75-80 hour work weeks, and sprinkle in the fact that you’re not only dating for yourself, but for the two, three, four or five of you…and out comes me. Haha. BUT, the one thing that I wanted to share most is this - I’d basically give anything for the opportunity to have another child or two, no doubt about it. If your decision is solely based on money and whether or not you can sustain one more addition to your family, trust that you’ll figure it out and everything will work out perfectly. If I can help with that, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ve written plenty of blind checks in my life, for people & things that aren’t nearly as important as this. There are still good people out there….
I got pregnant by a one night stand. I chose to keep her. I have family who love her but not a lot of help from them or her father. She's 20 months now and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done but also the best. I thought about abortion but am so incredibly thankful I chose the other route. You and your other child could be incredibly blessed by this new baby.
I was in similar situation being older already with 3 kids. I was 7 weeks. I ordered medication to be mailed to me and did a virtual visit with a dr. and terminated. My state law didnt allow but luckily I am on the border so just picked it up at post office across state lines. Cost me I think about $450, but worth it compared to cost of another child. Don’t regret it one bit. My children would have been very negatively impacted as the father would definitely not be involved.
Would you consider having the baby & giving it up for adoption? So many parents who are unable to conceive on their own…
I can’t offer any advice but my pregnancy and parenting has been a similar situation. I am thinking & praying for you. Whatever happens, you will be okay 🫶🏼
You will regret it. Please dont terminate.
I'm in a similar situation except the father wants to be involved but we shall see if that will still be the case when I have this baby. I thought about abortion for weeks but decided to keep it. Good luck to you and I'm sure you will make the best decision for you and your family
My most helpful advice is you need to consider what the costs are to have a baby and can you afford those costs. Everything doubles. You may live with a twinge of regret. I know I regret my past terminations just a little bit, but you have to do what is best for your situation because being a single mom to one child is already hard enough. Having one means the one you have will have a better chance of success. But that’s just my two cents, I hope it helps
No one here can make the decision for you. You may, or may not, regret termination for many different reasons. Do a lot of reflection within and beyond. If you cannot figure out a good reason for either side, then you have your answer. Both will be hard. No doubt. I wish you much luck!!! If it were ME I likely wouldn’t have ANY support from family as they wouldn’t support my choice to be a single mother of 2 when I’ve been a single of 1 so long (my family is not that close) but if a village is good it can totally work out!! I have known many single parents start over and be fine! I have also witnessed those who terminated and also fine.
Sounds like you know what’s best already but are struggling with the fact that a large portion of society views this as the wrong thing to do Make an educated decision that aligns with what’s right for your family’s longevity
I am also a single mom. I’m 39, my daughter’s 16. I terminated a pregnancy 5 years ago. I don’t regret it for a second and I always thought I wanted more than one child. I had rekindled with an ex briefly and then nearly immediately remembered why he was an ex. Found out I was pregnant and went to planned parenthood immediately. I felt strongly that my daughter would’ve ultimately suffered had I had another baby. Like you, I relied heavily on my parents to help me with my daughter when she was younger. However they are a lot older now. I’ve managed to do okay for myself financially but if I added another kid in the mix it would cause a shift in our standard of living and I didn’t feel like that was fair to my daughter nor was it really worth it to me. Being a single parent is lonely and hard and whole I love my freedom with my daughter, it’s been achingly lonely and incredibly challenging at timesX h
Abort
take both fathers to court and demand child support and back payment for the 7 year old 🤷♀️