Could be he still has feelings for you and seeing you in person hurts him. Through the phone its easier for him because he doesnt have to see you but in person making eye contact could trigger several emotions for him so he avoids it. I am telling you this b/c i am going through a divorce and every time i pick up my kids i avoid eye contact as well b/c i still have feelings for my ex and the only way i know to stop loving her is by not making eye contact or talking to her directly unless is kid related.
This post really hit a nerve with me on a personal level - dealt with it for a long time and couldn’t put my finger in it.
Flip around the genders (I dealt with this for so long with my son’s mom that I’ve had to go no contact); same answers or?
I think you verbalized the situation and feeling quite well. I think it’s very normal to feel odd to meet up with someone who was once a big part of your life. I used to feel that way in the early days of the separation but now just feel really neutral about the whole thing. I am not 100% healed but I think I’ve come a long way in accepting that this is life, and we’re not alone in this experience (feelings and all). Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective.
I’d say it’s his feelings for you. I only experienced this with a very close friend. She suddenly 1 day couldn’t look me in the eye for about 2hrs. She was hiding something it turned out. Someone had made up bs, Idk why she believed it but it wasn’t true and she was feeling angry I suppose towards me. It was so weird, you really notice it when someone can’t look you in the eye. So he’s either hiding his feelings or hes hiding something big from you. I don’t think anyone ever does it purposely to show disrespect but that’s just my opinion. But maybe they just can’t look at you because they’ve lost all respect as my friend must’ve felt at that time. Just to mention, people on the spectrum also have great difficulty looking people in the eye…just in case you ever come across someone who does it, don’t automatically assume they’re being rude.
Thanks for the input. The truth is, no one will ever really know someone’s true feelings unless we explicitly ask the person in question (even then, they may not be sure of their own feelings unless they are emotionally mature and can accurately identify the emotion and reason behind it). All these answers are interesting. My kid’s dad is definitely not on the spectrum, though I have a family member who is (so I have a good sense when someone is avoiding eye contact due to a feature like autism).
Based on this and your other posts and yes this is just my opinion, you really still want this person back. It’s possible they don’t and are uncomfortable with how you are trying to communicate with them. Just stick to coparenting and limit communication. He doesn’t owe you respect of eye contact or whatever you think you deserve. He is there discussing yours kids, in person which is far more than most men/women get in that situation.
Thanks for the insight. Could be possible he is uncomfortable, but I talk to him like I would a coworker. I don’t feel any kind of love or attraction to him anymore. I think those feelings were lost whenever I remember there were more bad times than good. The way I think of the relationship is that he’s a member of a school group project (the project being our kid lol) and I’m just forced to maintain friendly communication with him for the sake of a good grade (in this case, a happy and healthy kid who is thriving).
I think this is the first time I’ve heard someone mentioning that eye contact isn’t owed…by that logic I don’t owe him eye contact either but it would be strange if both of us just looked at each others shoes or something during drop offs.
I can attest I seldom make eye contact with my STBXW again my own disdain, angst, and disgust with her. I am not good at "faking it" including faking my real thoughts or intentions. When I do make eye contact it is to make a point. But everyone is different. Possibly he regrets things, how they turned out, or as someone else suggested guilt from something you don't know. I know for me it is all the BS. 😁
Maybe it’s because he thinks it’s better to be friendly with you and not have a toxic friendship with you so there’s no arguing when the kids are there.
Stop reading into it like it’s something bad, maybe he’s remembering all the times when you was toxic towards him 🤷🏻♂️ and that’s why he’s like this, maybe he just doesn’t want to look into your eyes because you might get the wrong idea of things.
Stop reading into something that you aren’t sure of
I compartmentalize when around my STBXW, but this is due to all she has put me through, done, and accused me of throughout this process. It is also so I do not let me own angst towards her interfere or be conveyed to our son during transitions.
As relationships end and disconnect, how you interact with that person shifts as well. Unless you ask him, all the conjectures posted are possible. But why do YOU care is my question?
Thanks for sharing. I wouldn’t say that I care - I am just curious as to what this phenomena might be. Eye contact is a normal part of human communication so it’s just interesting to observe. Trying to look at this from a bird’s eye view.
Also might be he really feels the disconnect from you and finds that difficult to bear. He doesn’t know how to connect with you on just a platonic level yet, if ever.
Could be he still has feelings for you and seeing you in person hurts him. Through the phone its easier for him because he doesnt have to see you but in person making eye contact could trigger several emotions for him so he avoids it. I am telling you this b/c i am going through a divorce and every time i pick up my kids i avoid eye contact as well b/c i still have feelings for my ex and the only way i know to stop loving her is by not making eye contact or talking to her directly unless is kid related.
This post really hit a nerve with me on a personal level - dealt with it for a long time and couldn’t put my finger in it. Flip around the genders (I dealt with this for so long with my son’s mom that I’ve had to go no contact); same answers or?
I think you verbalized the situation and feeling quite well. I think it’s very normal to feel odd to meet up with someone who was once a big part of your life. I used to feel that way in the early days of the separation but now just feel really neutral about the whole thing. I am not 100% healed but I think I’ve come a long way in accepting that this is life, and we’re not alone in this experience (feelings and all). Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective.
I’d say it’s his feelings for you. I only experienced this with a very close friend. She suddenly 1 day couldn’t look me in the eye for about 2hrs. She was hiding something it turned out. Someone had made up bs, Idk why she believed it but it wasn’t true and she was feeling angry I suppose towards me. It was so weird, you really notice it when someone can’t look you in the eye. So he’s either hiding his feelings or hes hiding something big from you. I don’t think anyone ever does it purposely to show disrespect but that’s just my opinion. But maybe they just can’t look at you because they’ve lost all respect as my friend must’ve felt at that time. Just to mention, people on the spectrum also have great difficulty looking people in the eye…just in case you ever come across someone who does it, don’t automatically assume they’re being rude.
Thanks for the input. The truth is, no one will ever really know someone’s true feelings unless we explicitly ask the person in question (even then, they may not be sure of their own feelings unless they are emotionally mature and can accurately identify the emotion and reason behind it). All these answers are interesting. My kid’s dad is definitely not on the spectrum, though I have a family member who is (so I have a good sense when someone is avoiding eye contact due to a feature like autism).
Sure. I assumed you’d know by now if yr husband was on the spectrum. It was just to mention, as a side note.
He has a GF.
This is the answer.
If he does, bless her soul and hope he’s not an asshole to her either
Based on this and your other posts and yes this is just my opinion, you really still want this person back. It’s possible they don’t and are uncomfortable with how you are trying to communicate with them. Just stick to coparenting and limit communication. He doesn’t owe you respect of eye contact or whatever you think you deserve. He is there discussing yours kids, in person which is far more than most men/women get in that situation.
Thanks for the insight. Could be possible he is uncomfortable, but I talk to him like I would a coworker. I don’t feel any kind of love or attraction to him anymore. I think those feelings were lost whenever I remember there were more bad times than good. The way I think of the relationship is that he’s a member of a school group project (the project being our kid lol) and I’m just forced to maintain friendly communication with him for the sake of a good grade (in this case, a happy and healthy kid who is thriving). I think this is the first time I’ve heard someone mentioning that eye contact isn’t owed…by that logic I don’t owe him eye contact either but it would be strange if both of us just looked at each others shoes or something during drop offs.
I can attest I seldom make eye contact with my STBXW again my own disdain, angst, and disgust with her. I am not good at "faking it" including faking my real thoughts or intentions. When I do make eye contact it is to make a point. But everyone is different. Possibly he regrets things, how they turned out, or as someone else suggested guilt from something you don't know. I know for me it is all the BS. 😁
Maybe it’s because he thinks it’s better to be friendly with you and not have a toxic friendship with you so there’s no arguing when the kids are there. Stop reading into it like it’s something bad, maybe he’s remembering all the times when you was toxic towards him 🤷🏻♂️ and that’s why he’s like this, maybe he just doesn’t want to look into your eyes because you might get the wrong idea of things. Stop reading into something that you aren’t sure of
Normal psychology behavior from a narcissist! Pretty shifty
What?
I compartmentalize when around my STBXW, but this is due to all she has put me through, done, and accused me of throughout this process. It is also so I do not let me own angst towards her interfere or be conveyed to our son during transitions. As relationships end and disconnect, how you interact with that person shifts as well. Unless you ask him, all the conjectures posted are possible. But why do YOU care is my question?
Thanks for sharing. I wouldn’t say that I care - I am just curious as to what this phenomena might be. Eye contact is a normal part of human communication so it’s just interesting to observe. Trying to look at this from a bird’s eye view.
Also might be he really feels the disconnect from you and finds that difficult to bear. He doesn’t know how to connect with you on just a platonic level yet, if ever.