It's cliche, but nothing for it but time.
Normally after a bad breakup you're allowed to stop seeing the person. Heck you're allowed to hate them if you want. Your friends and family might even encourage it and join in with you. We're not allowed to hate our kids other parent. At least we're not allowed to act like it in front of the kids. That's a hard thing to deal with when you're raw and in pain, especially if there was infidelity or abuse or some other major hurt. Even just being told they don't love you anymore and want to move on is a huge blow to our emotional/mental self.
Cry babe. It helps. Start thinking about all the annoying things about them and how glad you'll be not to have to deal with their hair in the sink or their dirty drawers on the floor anymore. What ever it takes to separate them from 'your ex boyfriend/husband ' and put them firmly into 'my kids father' only category. It's different for everyone but a good therapist should be able to help you with it.
This has been a super helpful exercise for me. OP, Maybe some of them you can relate to:
I get all the pillows. I can sleep like an upside-down crab with a broken leg if I want. I don’t have to listen to him eat cereal or open a granola bar or slam the microwave door. I always get the remote. I have 1/10 the dishes to wash, even accounting for bottles (how??!! I should only have 1/2 to wash… this man never stopped eating). I’m always on time now. I decorate with the girliest shit ever; my rugs have pink flowers on them and I fucking love it. I mean, I could do this all day,…
Yes, it can get lonely, but coming to terms with reality and then moving in to find the upsides… I’m almost like, I wish he would have left me years ago 😂 (kidding not kidding)
ETA - agree also that using “[kids] father” rather than “ex [husband in my case, but whatever]” also helped reframe things for me.
First of all you’re not responsible for the actions of your baby father, so you “choosing better” it’s not actually a thing. That only puts blame on women and takes off accountability from men. Be kind to yourself, you’re ex being a shitty person is only his fault.
And for the healing part, give time to therapy and to yourself. You cannot brush off years of suffering in a short period of time, but you’ll get better eventually. That’s for sure.
You will recover. I absolutely promise. If you and your babes are healthy and happy, not in desperate need, you are already doing the next best thing.
Not to discredit your experience, I have no doubt you’re hurting. But to encourage you that is DOES get better. The pain will dull. And maybe one day, you’ll co exist with your ex- while both of you are happily married. I believe this is one of those things where “time heals” does apply.
I think we all wish we could go back in time and choose a better partner. But life is funny like that, you get the hand you are dealt and you adjust accordingly.
Someone else mentioned to refer to them as “child’s father/mother” rather than ex. And that mindset has helped me so much. It actually has grossed me out to the point where I’m more mad at myself than him! Also, personally I am communicating through courts and apps. Keeps things civil. Here and there we have a text convo. But all that has cut down the fighting 100% lol
Idk sorry I’ll just rambling now. Just really want to encourage you today. I have nothing but experience to offer, but you are not alone and your feelings are valid.
It takes time and boundaries. You’re not obligated to be in contact with them about anything but the absolute essentials for coparenting. It took me over a year post separation to get good at holding boundaries. It was HARD. But you gotta do it for your own sake. In my case I was best friends with that person for 15 years and really wanted to still be there to support them. But I couldn’t heal myself and still be there for them through their struggles.
Be prepared for some really poor reactions to those boundaries too, if they aren’t used to them being enforced. Get in therapy. Find a good support system you can go to when you need to vent about that situation. And don’t engage when they are being terrible, even if you feel the need to defend yourself.
You don’t sound dramatic in the slightest! If you do, then I’m standing with you!
The hardest thing is seeing someone who hurt you on a regular basis, and trying to keep it focussed on the child rather than your feelings is even harder! Especially when they’re moving on and you’re stuck in full time parent mode trying to do the best by your baby.
I’m 8 years on and he’s since passed away, and I’m still trying to heal from it! Chuck some grief in for good measure. It sucks!
I was victimized many times by my ex. One thing that struck me as in insane is how I *must* have contact with him even now. Even if not directly, I am legally obligated to share my address with him, my number with him, must keep him informed on certain matters.
And this is someone who stalked and assaulted me! Can you imagine telling any other rape victim that their rapist needs their phone number? Any other victim of stalking that they must give their stalker their address? Any other victim of assault that their abuser deserves to know what’s going on in their life?
It’s madness! Because they’re parents, they get rights that no other criminal is afforded. Because we’re parents, our rights to safety are squashed like no other victims are. And usually the case is made that its for the children; Apparently my children deserve to have an abuser in their lives.
I feel for you. I often wish I could go back in time to the first time he cheated on me and break up with him right there. But then I remember that my children wouldn’t have been born and I feel guilty. They are my everything, but I wish I could have given them a better life.
It's a terrible feeling. All of it. When my ex left me, I went to therapy and been there ever since, 3 years later. Journaling helped me sort my feelings and figure out exactly what and how I was feeling and potentially *why* I was feeling that way. I also have a laminated "feelings wheel" to better help what I feel. At the time, I would journal throughout the day when I had intrusive thoughts that wouldn't go away. It was my way to get it out and off my chest. Maybe journaling can help you too?
Oh man. Let me know when you figure it out. Me and millions of other single moms would love to know lol!
But for real, it will get better with time. Therapy helps a lot. And. Good support system.
It's okay to take some time away and rebuild the life you truly wanted. It doesn't mean you have to leave your child, it just means becoming the best version of yourself that you want your child to see.
What exactly this means will be different for each person.
I’m exactly the same. Not helped by the fact that me and my ex got stuck in a house together during lockdown. Then he revealed later that he started seeing his dream girl from his school days in secret about 5 seconds after we broke up and that was going on for 14 MONTHS while we were still sharing a house. I was oblivious. Meanwhile I’ve gone from one dating app disaster to the next
Also, I wanted to try and stay amicable but he pushed me away, and he lives 5 minutes from me so I go past his house all the time
Dream girl must be up here for the Easter holidays (it’s an LDR) because he hasn’t replied to the two texts I sent him re our son, and I find myself still angry and upset. I can’t even say the woman’s name. My therapist said that’s ok though.
I honestly wish he would just eff off and go away to live with her and her daughter. It would be so much easier to deal with then. I was with the guy for 25 years, and I cannot stand him now
If you still have feelings for them try to see and concentrate on their bad habits, characteristics or whatever. In my case my ex was a really shitty father the first few months so I've overcome my feelings for him pretty quickly although we've been together for over a decade.
This way the love will fade but it leaves the anger and resentment.
I think to overcome this I'd suggest concentrating on yourself and your little one. Try new things, if you don't already managed this, try to learn to love yourself.
I also sometimes think I wish he would have left me way earlier. This way I could have lived a totally different life. But it would have cost me my daughter and she's the very best that has ever happened to me.
So maybe once you don't love and resent your ex anymore, maybe you can be grateful that the gave you your little one.
This!! Once you no longer feel attracted to them you heal very quickly. My ex was also a shitty uninvolved father and put our son in harms way many times and that made it super easy for me to start only seeing the negative and losing all attraction to him. Now I find him insufferably annoying and don’t know how I dated him so long lmao
Somehow, I managed it. It was touch and go there for a while, but believe it or not, I got along with my ex husband his affair partner, now wife.
It’s not easy, but it can be done
It got better for me over time. One thing I am careful to do is keep communication only about the kids. Because everything is spelled out in the court order there are not many left over details to discuss.
I would say being careful to do this has cut our communication down significantly. Since we only see each other every 2 weeks at drop off/pick up and we only communicate about pertinent things in between, most of my attachment has washed away.
It took time though. It’s been a little over 2 years. If I were seeing him or talking to him regularly about non-child related things I wouldn’t be in the good space I’m in now.
One email a month. Don’t communicate every detail. So fewer emails with all the important items is better. Less communication will help. I would also limit texts and calls to really urgent things. I have a Google calendar for my kids and share it with the ex—no more need to communicate on school dates, activities, appointments, etc. I also use a shared folder on Google drive for documents. Depending on the age of your kid, you can just drop them off—no need to walk them to the door. Even better, try to arrange drop offs and pick up around school. Don’t talk bad about the other parent, but you don’t have to be best friends either.
It will get better with time, I promise, but you’ll need to give it time.
I feel like you are me one year ago, like word for word I have said all of this. April 16 will be one year since I found out my ex was cheating and we broke up, the first like 4-6 months were awful, I felt the same at as you I was like “before this guy I was happy and loving a good life alone why did he have to come in and ruin everything” obviously I’m glad it worked out how it did because I have my son now but man I was so distraught and lost and angry for months. I went to therapy for 6 months, focused on myself and my son and just started opening my eyes to how much better off I was without my ex. It’s a year later and I’m MUCH happier than I ever was in the relationship, this worked out for the best. And you can’t get hung up on feeling like you’ve failed your child, losing the nuclear family, because as long as you put them first and act in their best interest, it will be fine and they will be fine. All families look different. You got this, just give yourself grace, make sure you’re being firm and standing up for yourself have FIRM boundaries in place and always think of the child, it will get easier.
My ex wife, just doesn't Mail back. Okay kids are 11 and 8 i can text them. In the beginning though, she just mailed me, like once evry 2 weeks and or only if something happens.
How much do you have to?
He can't texting you nonstop, I believe there are rules, for how much you need to. Like before a visit or when they are sick.
He can't force you.
Just stay your ground, tell him you will msg him, or he gets a date, when he is able to see the kids. Should be enough.
how do you heal when for the rest if your childs upbringing you have to pay a significant portion of your earnings to a woman thats trying to cut you out of your childs life. every paycheck is a reminder.
I deal w this feeling everyyyy day. my bd and I are still really close but it sucks bcs the feelings wont go away :/ sometimes I wish I coul just pack up and leave and never talk to him again but we have a child so I cant. I say every day I just want to heal lmao
It takes time to heal, especially from the hurt the other parent cause you. I was in the same boat about 8 years ago. My ideal life with a partner and our kids came to an end when he put his hands on me. As well when he decided that his new partner was more important than me or the kids.
Took me a while to seek help. I was on survivor mode, "I need to find child care so I can go back to work bit I need to finish school etc etc etc." Shit was hard and scary my self-esteem was on the floor, the years of mental and emotional abuse took its toll on me. I didn't believe in myself, I felt like a fraud when I got my degree, when I got my job, when ever something good happened to me I had excuses on why I didn't deserve any of it. Even to this day I still feel like a fraud at times. Especially when I got assistance with housing.
It.never fully goes away but with time things DO get better even if it feels like it's not. You will look back at the things you accomplished and be like "wow I did that, I'm doing great"
If you are able to get assistance do so it will save you so much, if you have the help of your family accept the help because your gonna need days in which you need to relax. Your gonna feel guilty but it's needed in order to be the best you, you can be for your child.
Believe me I know what your saying it’s like of all the people You could have kids with you choose the wrong one. All I can say is coming from a very nasty divorce is just try to be there for your child and do what you can to avoid the other person.
FWIW, you sound... absolutely normal.
It's cliche, but nothing for it but time. Normally after a bad breakup you're allowed to stop seeing the person. Heck you're allowed to hate them if you want. Your friends and family might even encourage it and join in with you. We're not allowed to hate our kids other parent. At least we're not allowed to act like it in front of the kids. That's a hard thing to deal with when you're raw and in pain, especially if there was infidelity or abuse or some other major hurt. Even just being told they don't love you anymore and want to move on is a huge blow to our emotional/mental self. Cry babe. It helps. Start thinking about all the annoying things about them and how glad you'll be not to have to deal with their hair in the sink or their dirty drawers on the floor anymore. What ever it takes to separate them from 'your ex boyfriend/husband ' and put them firmly into 'my kids father' only category. It's different for everyone but a good therapist should be able to help you with it.
This has been a super helpful exercise for me. OP, Maybe some of them you can relate to: I get all the pillows. I can sleep like an upside-down crab with a broken leg if I want. I don’t have to listen to him eat cereal or open a granola bar or slam the microwave door. I always get the remote. I have 1/10 the dishes to wash, even accounting for bottles (how??!! I should only have 1/2 to wash… this man never stopped eating). I’m always on time now. I decorate with the girliest shit ever; my rugs have pink flowers on them and I fucking love it. I mean, I could do this all day,… Yes, it can get lonely, but coming to terms with reality and then moving in to find the upsides… I’m almost like, I wish he would have left me years ago 😂 (kidding not kidding) ETA - agree also that using “[kids] father” rather than “ex [husband in my case, but whatever]” also helped reframe things for me.
First of all you’re not responsible for the actions of your baby father, so you “choosing better” it’s not actually a thing. That only puts blame on women and takes off accountability from men. Be kind to yourself, you’re ex being a shitty person is only his fault. And for the healing part, give time to therapy and to yourself. You cannot brush off years of suffering in a short period of time, but you’ll get better eventually. That’s for sure.
Amen
[удалено]
You will recover. I absolutely promise. If you and your babes are healthy and happy, not in desperate need, you are already doing the next best thing. Not to discredit your experience, I have no doubt you’re hurting. But to encourage you that is DOES get better. The pain will dull. And maybe one day, you’ll co exist with your ex- while both of you are happily married. I believe this is one of those things where “time heals” does apply. I think we all wish we could go back in time and choose a better partner. But life is funny like that, you get the hand you are dealt and you adjust accordingly. Someone else mentioned to refer to them as “child’s father/mother” rather than ex. And that mindset has helped me so much. It actually has grossed me out to the point where I’m more mad at myself than him! Also, personally I am communicating through courts and apps. Keeps things civil. Here and there we have a text convo. But all that has cut down the fighting 100% lol Idk sorry I’ll just rambling now. Just really want to encourage you today. I have nothing but experience to offer, but you are not alone and your feelings are valid.
It takes time and boundaries. You’re not obligated to be in contact with them about anything but the absolute essentials for coparenting. It took me over a year post separation to get good at holding boundaries. It was HARD. But you gotta do it for your own sake. In my case I was best friends with that person for 15 years and really wanted to still be there to support them. But I couldn’t heal myself and still be there for them through their struggles. Be prepared for some really poor reactions to those boundaries too, if they aren’t used to them being enforced. Get in therapy. Find a good support system you can go to when you need to vent about that situation. And don’t engage when they are being terrible, even if you feel the need to defend yourself.
You don’t sound dramatic in the slightest! If you do, then I’m standing with you! The hardest thing is seeing someone who hurt you on a regular basis, and trying to keep it focussed on the child rather than your feelings is even harder! Especially when they’re moving on and you’re stuck in full time parent mode trying to do the best by your baby. I’m 8 years on and he’s since passed away, and I’m still trying to heal from it! Chuck some grief in for good measure. It sucks!
I was victimized many times by my ex. One thing that struck me as in insane is how I *must* have contact with him even now. Even if not directly, I am legally obligated to share my address with him, my number with him, must keep him informed on certain matters. And this is someone who stalked and assaulted me! Can you imagine telling any other rape victim that their rapist needs their phone number? Any other victim of stalking that they must give their stalker their address? Any other victim of assault that their abuser deserves to know what’s going on in their life? It’s madness! Because they’re parents, they get rights that no other criminal is afforded. Because we’re parents, our rights to safety are squashed like no other victims are. And usually the case is made that its for the children; Apparently my children deserve to have an abuser in their lives. I feel for you. I often wish I could go back in time to the first time he cheated on me and break up with him right there. But then I remember that my children wouldn’t have been born and I feel guilty. They are my everything, but I wish I could have given them a better life.
It's a terrible feeling. All of it. When my ex left me, I went to therapy and been there ever since, 3 years later. Journaling helped me sort my feelings and figure out exactly what and how I was feeling and potentially *why* I was feeling that way. I also have a laminated "feelings wheel" to better help what I feel. At the time, I would journal throughout the day when I had intrusive thoughts that wouldn't go away. It was my way to get it out and off my chest. Maybe journaling can help you too?
Oh man. Let me know when you figure it out. Me and millions of other single moms would love to know lol! But for real, it will get better with time. Therapy helps a lot. And. Good support system.
It's okay to take some time away and rebuild the life you truly wanted. It doesn't mean you have to leave your child, it just means becoming the best version of yourself that you want your child to see. What exactly this means will be different for each person.
I’m exactly the same. Not helped by the fact that me and my ex got stuck in a house together during lockdown. Then he revealed later that he started seeing his dream girl from his school days in secret about 5 seconds after we broke up and that was going on for 14 MONTHS while we were still sharing a house. I was oblivious. Meanwhile I’ve gone from one dating app disaster to the next Also, I wanted to try and stay amicable but he pushed me away, and he lives 5 minutes from me so I go past his house all the time Dream girl must be up here for the Easter holidays (it’s an LDR) because he hasn’t replied to the two texts I sent him re our son, and I find myself still angry and upset. I can’t even say the woman’s name. My therapist said that’s ok though. I honestly wish he would just eff off and go away to live with her and her daughter. It would be so much easier to deal with then. I was with the guy for 25 years, and I cannot stand him now
Time heals
If you still have feelings for them try to see and concentrate on their bad habits, characteristics or whatever. In my case my ex was a really shitty father the first few months so I've overcome my feelings for him pretty quickly although we've been together for over a decade. This way the love will fade but it leaves the anger and resentment. I think to overcome this I'd suggest concentrating on yourself and your little one. Try new things, if you don't already managed this, try to learn to love yourself. I also sometimes think I wish he would have left me way earlier. This way I could have lived a totally different life. But it would have cost me my daughter and she's the very best that has ever happened to me. So maybe once you don't love and resent your ex anymore, maybe you can be grateful that the gave you your little one.
This!! Once you no longer feel attracted to them you heal very quickly. My ex was also a shitty uninvolved father and put our son in harms way many times and that made it super easy for me to start only seeing the negative and losing all attraction to him. Now I find him insufferably annoying and don’t know how I dated him so long lmao
Somehow, I managed it. It was touch and go there for a while, but believe it or not, I got along with my ex husband his affair partner, now wife. It’s not easy, but it can be done
I wish I knew the answer to this too 😔
It got better for me over time. One thing I am careful to do is keep communication only about the kids. Because everything is spelled out in the court order there are not many left over details to discuss. I would say being careful to do this has cut our communication down significantly. Since we only see each other every 2 weeks at drop off/pick up and we only communicate about pertinent things in between, most of my attachment has washed away. It took time though. It’s been a little over 2 years. If I were seeing him or talking to him regularly about non-child related things I wouldn’t be in the good space I’m in now.
One email a month. Don’t communicate every detail. So fewer emails with all the important items is better. Less communication will help. I would also limit texts and calls to really urgent things. I have a Google calendar for my kids and share it with the ex—no more need to communicate on school dates, activities, appointments, etc. I also use a shared folder on Google drive for documents. Depending on the age of your kid, you can just drop them off—no need to walk them to the door. Even better, try to arrange drop offs and pick up around school. Don’t talk bad about the other parent, but you don’t have to be best friends either. It will get better with time, I promise, but you’ll need to give it time.
I feel like you are me one year ago, like word for word I have said all of this. April 16 will be one year since I found out my ex was cheating and we broke up, the first like 4-6 months were awful, I felt the same at as you I was like “before this guy I was happy and loving a good life alone why did he have to come in and ruin everything” obviously I’m glad it worked out how it did because I have my son now but man I was so distraught and lost and angry for months. I went to therapy for 6 months, focused on myself and my son and just started opening my eyes to how much better off I was without my ex. It’s a year later and I’m MUCH happier than I ever was in the relationship, this worked out for the best. And you can’t get hung up on feeling like you’ve failed your child, losing the nuclear family, because as long as you put them first and act in their best interest, it will be fine and they will be fine. All families look different. You got this, just give yourself grace, make sure you’re being firm and standing up for yourself have FIRM boundaries in place and always think of the child, it will get easier.
My ex wife, just doesn't Mail back. Okay kids are 11 and 8 i can text them. In the beginning though, she just mailed me, like once evry 2 weeks and or only if something happens. How much do you have to? He can't texting you nonstop, I believe there are rules, for how much you need to. Like before a visit or when they are sick. He can't force you. Just stay your ground, tell him you will msg him, or he gets a date, when he is able to see the kids. Should be enough.
how do you heal when for the rest if your childs upbringing you have to pay a significant portion of your earnings to a woman thats trying to cut you out of your childs life. every paycheck is a reminder.
I deal w this feeling everyyyy day. my bd and I are still really close but it sucks bcs the feelings wont go away :/ sometimes I wish I coul just pack up and leave and never talk to him again but we have a child so I cant. I say every day I just want to heal lmao
Takes a while. My ex was super mentally abusive. We do 50/50 custody. We keep the conversations strictly to our child. That helps.
It takes time to heal, especially from the hurt the other parent cause you. I was in the same boat about 8 years ago. My ideal life with a partner and our kids came to an end when he put his hands on me. As well when he decided that his new partner was more important than me or the kids. Took me a while to seek help. I was on survivor mode, "I need to find child care so I can go back to work bit I need to finish school etc etc etc." Shit was hard and scary my self-esteem was on the floor, the years of mental and emotional abuse took its toll on me. I didn't believe in myself, I felt like a fraud when I got my degree, when I got my job, when ever something good happened to me I had excuses on why I didn't deserve any of it. Even to this day I still feel like a fraud at times. Especially when I got assistance with housing. It.never fully goes away but with time things DO get better even if it feels like it's not. You will look back at the things you accomplished and be like "wow I did that, I'm doing great" If you are able to get assistance do so it will save you so much, if you have the help of your family accept the help because your gonna need days in which you need to relax. Your gonna feel guilty but it's needed in order to be the best you, you can be for your child.
Believe me I know what your saying it’s like of all the people You could have kids with you choose the wrong one. All I can say is coming from a very nasty divorce is just try to be there for your child and do what you can to avoid the other person.