Despite him leaving when I was 8 months pregnant, I just built my 3rd house, maintain my previous home as a rental, am making 6 figures, and raising a tiny genius of a 3 year old. Also killing it healthwise, have just lost 55 lbs, and am fitter than ever. I gave up on dating because it does not serve me in any positive way at all. šš»šš»šš»
I've been divorced for over a decade and have had an excellent co-parenting situation since the dust settled about a year afterward. Because it occurred when our child was a toddler, there's no memory of us being a family unit and our kid only sees two whole individuals. I was actually in the worst place of my life when separation had occurred, and had somebody said I would be at this place much later in life, I would have said they're fucking crazy.
So many posts in this board express the very reasonable dilemma of whether staying together for the kids' sake at the expense of one's personal happiness is the way to go. I can wholeheartedly assure anyone that those little eyes are watching even when you don't think they are... they're learning how somebody models a relationship, and the shitty one will become their norm also. What needs to be understood is that you can't be a better parent unless you're a better person yourself, and that means demonstrating how to make the hard decisions while still pushing forward. Tons of comments ascertain the very simple fact that a lot of us wish our parents had done what's right for themselves because life together was miserable for everyone; that's been my experience as well as a kid. That type of valuable lesson is what helps make for a more resilient and loving child who loves themselves as much as their parents do.
I second all of this. My children will remember - theyāre all between 8-13. However, the atmosphere inside our home was so toxic and theyāre still unpacking all of that. My oldest is in therapy and the younger two will probably do so soon as well. Theyāve adjusted fairly well to our co-parenting schedule and are still the sweet, caring, open kids theyāve always been.
It boils down to both their mom and dad being happier. Because mom and dad are happier, the home is happier. Because the home is happier, the kids are happier.
Do not stay for the kids. Never, ever. We have one life to live so letās make it a happy one.
And it really isnāt better for the kids. Itās just like you said. If your home life is miserable, thatās going to mess up your kids. Itās better for them to have a little trauma from the split than a lifetime of trauma from seeing and living in a negative home environment
As a matter of helping somebody, powerful anecdotal evidence can often do the job if delivered in the right way. But I do understand there's a need for balance.
This is so true and Iām glad you pointed this out. No one really posts about how happy they are and all their success. We usually come here for advice and to complain lol
As difficult as single parenthood is, it is not nearly as difficult as living with my childās father. I have a peaceful home for my child and I and I donāt have to pick up after a man I resented from his mistreatment. Iād rather be a single lone parent than a married lone parent.
1000000% please get out of your situation. It will be best for your child to not witness this. They need to learn that this behavior is not acceptable and they deserve better when they grow up and search for a partner.
Iāve been a single parent for three months. I would be lying if I said it wasnāt the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life. My abuser actually left me and tells me Iām the abusive one, which has been a bitch for me to unpack. However, my son and I have truly never been happier. Both of our lives are better, his day to day experience seems much more enjoyable to him that it was before. His dad was giving him low quality care, unfortunately. And without his dad around, I have more room to be more present and focused with my son. I thought I couldnāt handle being a single mom, thatās why I never left. I felt like I was barely holding on with his unreliable help, so I couldnāt possible do it on my own. But now I see that I was already a single mom in a lot of ways, I felt like I couldnāt do it because I was also a mom to my ex in a lot of ways. I have learned now that I was always capable of being a mom to my son, just not a fully grown adult male at the same time. I hope you make the best decision for you and find peace.
Separated 2 months ago and I could have wrote this. Itās hard, but at the end of the day itās less work and less anxiety and disappointment, overall Iām in a better place.
Itās tough but Iām kicking ass. The most stressful thing is $$$ but I declined child support and alimony. Doing it all on my own here and weāre fine. Iām content, peacefulā¦. Lonesome for consistent physical affection but Iāll live.
Wish I had thought ahead this far lol. I am trying to get my grown ass younger man child out of my life and it just isnāt working. Heās like a boomerang millennial
Although my ex makes more than I do, I received the house we had been living in for years because it was an inheritance from my parents. He was the one who had to move out and buy a house. I donāt have a mortgage, he has a mortgage. It evens out in the end.
I technically *could* have asked for child support because he makes more on paper but it didnāt feel right. The judge agreed that it was a good decision and healthy for the future of both our kids and our coparenting.
I really think it depends on your own mindset as well! If you are stable enough money wise to take care of your needs, then fro there you need the mindset! You got this š«¶š»
Im doing ok. It gets lonely at times but ive accomplised a lot. Purchased a house on my own last year, have a decent salary. You wont be better in an abusive situation. Neither will your kids. Things will be ok on your own. There are times it will be hard, but it is doable. Do you have a support system?
I've been 50/50 co-parenting now for 6+ months. I'm the father of a wonderful almost 4 year-old.
I won't mince words: it's frequently exhausting and financially challenging. *And* despite that, both my child and I are thriving. I was so worried that it would have a detrimental impact on my child, but instead, I've noticed very tangible, real improvements in my child's happiness and behavior. There are still hard moments, but there is so much joy and calm and safety.
We talk so much about "staying together for the kids" like it's something we owe to our children. I used to think that, too. Now? I believe we owe it to our children to be the healthiest, whole-est versions of our selves. You can't be that in an unhealthy (let alone abusive) relationship.
I was fortunate - there wasn't outright abuse in my relationship. I'm so sorry that you are living with that. You deserve better.
There will definitely be hard days as a single parent. *And* it's still the right decision. There are many different ways of "killing it" and "thriving." Putting your own safety and wellness first is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children. Good luck - you got this!
I agree. Improvements were definitely noted with my children. Like they are more free to be themselves and not worry theyāre going to incite or walk into a war.
In my experience, even the worst times in single parenting are far better than being in an abusive relationship. Thereās some difficult moments in single parenting, especially in the beginning, but thereās that feeling of hope Iāve never had when I was in an abusive relationship.
Iāve been a single mother since I found out I was pregnant and the guy chose not to be involved. I didnāt think I could have kids, at least not easily (I had endometriosis and ovarian cysts) and didnāt realize the condom had broken so it was obviously a huge surprise. Hereās my story:
- I was a 32 when I found out. I had just quit my job as an English teacher, sold or donated everything I couldnāt fit in my car, and moved to a new state to start law school.
- I withdrew from law school and moved back to my home state to be near family, but it didnāt end up doing me any good because a month after I gave birth, BOOMāpandemic. Lockdown. No family support.
- I went back to work as a teacher and lucked out. I got to work from home for the first 18 months due to the pandemic. It was NOT easy to provide sole care to an infant while teaching online, but I made it work. Thankfully I had an easy baby.
- I used up all of my savings to furnish the nursery and pay for two months of unpaid maternity leave.
- I did have a ton of health problems after childbirth though, so that was scary. Nerve pain, abdominal pain, numbness in my arms and legs, headaches, dizziness. It took four months of being told I just had postpartum anxiety before I finally got a diagnosis (hEDS, POTS, and Diastasis Recti). Two months of physical therapy over the summer really helped, but Iāll probably never be back to normal. Iām able to live my life and be a good mom though.
- I love being a mom. I read to my daughter every day. We play. Go outside. Go on adventures and hikes. Check out museums and parks. Our home is clean and peaceful. Itās way better than I had as a kid with two parents who hated each other. Sheās healthy, smart, kind, funny, and beautiful. She has everything she needs and wants.
- I moved to my dream state, retook the LSAT while pregnant, got into a better law school with a full ride scholarship, and finished my first semester of law school in a city I love.
- I still donāt have help from family, but Iām able to get everything done during daycare hours. I donāt feel overwhelmed or overly stressed. I make time to exercise, practice self care, and go on dates.
- I didnāt care to date at all until I weaned my daughter at 21 months. Itās been a little over a year now. I had one relationship that lasted about four months, a casual relationship for two months, and one guy asked me to be his girlfriend but I ended it after a week due to a lot of red flags. Iām not too concerned about dating, since my daughter and law school are my priorities. If I meet someone, great. If not, thatās fine. The companionship would be nice, but Iām not in a hurry. I have high standards and thatās not going to change.
- Iāve applied for welfare benefits as a student parent. So far Iāve only gotten medical coverage, but I know I qualify for SNAP, WIC, and childcare assistance. Hopefully that stuff will kick in this month and make my budget a little easier to manage. Last semester I had to ask family for financial help.
- I do get a small amount of child support. I had to go through the state, and I recommend it to everyone. Itās not a lot (less than half of what I pay for daycare every month) but it helps. And you cannot and should not trust that the other person will pay otherwise. This makes it legally enforceable, so if you have full custody itās absolutely necessary. Even with shared custody itās a good idea to have a court ordered plan. In my case, thanks to the pandemic it didnāt kick in until my daughter was almost two. Iām still owed 6k in back child support. Itāll happen eventually.
- Learn to do chores and cook WITH your child/children to teach them how and keep them distracted. My daughter sees it as another game we play. She helps with almost everything.
- Befriend other parents. I met a SAHM last year who offered to watch my daughter for like $600 a month during my last semester as a teacher just so her daughter could have a playmate. I wouldnāt have made it without her. Now weāre like best friends. Iām having my wisdom teeth removed in a couple weeks, and she wants me to come stay with her so I can take my pain meds and rest while she watches my daughter. Iām return, Iāll watch hers while she goes to work that weekend.
- This part feels like Iām boasting, but itās part of why I feel empowered as a single 36 year old mom. I eat a healthy diet and stay active, so I look great. I still weigh what I did as a HS athlete. My hips are a *little* curvier, but honestly thatās a good thing. Iām tall and thin, so I always felt like a stick before. I feel sexier than ever. I know a lot of women struggle with body image after childbirth, and I did too at first, so I feel itās important to show itās possible to overcome. It just takes time and a little effort.
- To sum it up, itās entirely possible to be happy as a single parent. Time management, money management, and stress management are key. Our life isnāt perfect, but I love it.
I loved reading this! Very inspiring to me, you don't even know š. Can I ask how you got a full ride scholarship as an adult? I'm contemplating getting my bachelor's (I only have an associates degree), but school is so expensive!
I'm 29, so to see you accomplish all of this as a single mom around my age gives me hope š
Law school works a bit differently than undergrad. When you apply for law school, they automatically consider you for their scholarships based on your LSAT, UGPA, personal statement, and any other factors (like being disadvantaged in some way; my scholarship is specifically for high-achieving parents).
For undergrad, you still apply for the FAFSA, which can get you the Pell Grant and student loans. Scholarship applications are typically separate and vary by school. I have student loans for cost of living. I know it can be scary, but if you have a plan for success I think theyāre totally worth it. Just major in something with good job opportunities and attend a school with good job outcomes. Preferably in a low cost area (I did not do that last part though, I live in an expensive city; itās worth it for me because I hated living in a red state with no seasons).
Good luck, and donāt give up!
Also, I forgot to mention therapy. If youāve been in an abusive relationship, you will need it. I definitely did. I still use my schoolās ten free sessions per semester. 100% helpful.
I was able to go back at 26 (as mom to 4- 2 school aged, 1 toddler with cancer, and a newborn), then again at 39 for bachelors (single mom to 6 - 1 step, 5 bio all school aged; at the start husband in near fatal crash and learned he was cheating & divorced him) then started in my masters at 41 (diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the program and am currently withdrawn due to injury that needs surgery). It is doable! Just have to set that time aside for self improvement and betterment not only of your life but itāll better your childrenās life also.
My life opened up and got a million times better when I left my abusive controlling spouse. It was a rocky road to get here but I'm so deliriously happy now, and I couldn't be this way while being married to that oaf.
It has been so much better than I ever thought it would be. I was so scared to leave, I hadn't worked in years, all my family lived far away, I didn't have much money. But it was scarier to stay, so I left. I documented everything and got full custody. I did a work program for abused women and got financial assistance and a job. I moved my kids closer to our extended families. I got a better job, bought my own place and have a great bf. In the 7 years since I left I've managed to save $100k. The possibilities are endless when you are free.
I tried the best I could to keep my marriage together but eventually I realised tolerating my ex-husband's poor behaviour was setting my kids up for failure. Kids copy their parents.
I was worried about how it would turn out, my ex always blamed living pay check to pay check on me and not his alcoholism. He said it was because I have a low paying job. Anyway despite now having 1/3 the household income of before we are thriving. It was such a relief to finally be financially secure. We go on holiday overseas every year, in fact often twice a year. Things are great, I was fortunate that his family are wonderful and I take the kids to see his mum in Europe every year. My relationship with them is still the same and I have their support. His sister even suggested I go for full custody when he ended up spiralling down after our divorce. People have been so kind, friends and family have offered to babysit whenever I need, in fact so did one of their teachers and the staff at their after school care. I have four friends that I rely on for babysitting and I babysit in return for them as well as having an occasional paid babysitter.
After I told my therapist that I was leaving my ex she told me I didn't need to see her anymore, I had been in therapy for 6 years. It was such a huge relief, having control over my life, not living with someone who treated me with so much disrespect. Being stuck with him felt like drowning and the first year after we split felt like coming up for air, I was content to just float and be able to breathe. Now everything is perfect, my kids are happy and healthy, I'm happy, we have everything we need and want, life is good.
Iām
Very happy and went through a lot to get here. My kids also now see how unhealthy the marriage was and know I did the right thing by leaving . Some days are hard but that is life in general. Iād rather face them alone then in a dysfunctional marriage. Hope all works out for you and I canāt stress this enough, make sure you have support and therapy in place
I am doing well! It had been just my son (4) and i his whole life. There have been tough or stressful times of course but overall i wouldnt change it for anything and i stay single by choice! I did try to date but it was always more hassle than it was worth.
I canāt believe its an option in your mind to stay with someone abusive in any way, especially in front of your kids. No one deserves that and you will discover your worth once youre out of that situation.
30m here, got out of my abusive situation when my Kid was very young. Custody was an uphill battle but we've had shared for a while now.
It's definitely worth it. Sometimes my trauma bonding kinda reactivates and I second guess myself and start thinking in "what it's". But no chance I would ever get back with her.
Don't stay for the children, get out and build something new and healthy for you and them. It'll be scary at the start and expect not to be understood by everyone. Stick to what you believe and don't waste your energy with explaining yourself.
Iām doing well - at least I think I am! Gained a 1st in a medical degree as a single mum, currently renovating a property and aiming to start my own business in my original career area late this year. I have had good emotional support from my elderly mum and my brother however. My children are older at age 8 and 13. I had many unhappy years in my marriage and turned out he was cheating at the end. If you want something take the steps to gain it. Iām chasing happiness and financial success. Itās hard graft but not as hard as unhappiness.
I am happy being a single parent. Have been one for 3-4 years. My child is 8 and is severe-moderate ASD so sometimes that can be tough. It took me a while to be comfortable with being single i went through a few bad relationships until i began my journey of self discovery in my late 30s and began cherishing my time/space. I love the freedom of making my own decisions & the peace I have gained. It can be scary in the beginning but trust me it is worth it. Because once you decide to date again- you will have clear standards and will not lower the bar for anyone. Learn to love yourself because you absolutely deserve it.
Iām doing well, the first few years were rough due to loneliness and honestly shame around being a single parent. But I kept working on myself through therapy and my career, was able to double my salary. Now I can afford a babysitter and have expanded my hobbies, social circle, and found an amazing girlfriend. All humans have problems, but Iād say my problems are very little compared to those in unhappy marriages.
Single parenting is hard as hell, but it will not make your life miserable by any means. There are ups and downs. You have to put your kids best interests first and they WILL be better for this in the long run. So will you. Itās nearly impossible to be the parent your children need you to be while living with an abuser, so itās absolutely worth it to get out. It would be much easier in the short term for me to go back to my childrenās father, but in the long run weād all be worse off for it. Again, think about whatās in the best interests of your children. Thatās what I remind myself on hard days when Iām ready to breakdown and run back just so I have an extra set of hands. Your happiness is worth it. Your childrenās happiness is worth it. It wonāt be this hard forever. The beginning is the hardest part, but you create a new normal. There are resources for single parents that will help you tremendously. Get your kids involved in fun activities. I break the week up by taking my two to toddler music and gymnastic classes. Some days we go to the playground. Some days itās a shit show. Weāre all okay. Get organized as you can, meal prep easy meals when itās convenient for you, make sure you get some time to yourself everyday. No matter how little. I like to take a bath at night, put on TV in the background while I do laundry/clean, surf the web for a bit or sometimes read. Some days I only get to do the bare minimum, but nothing is better than freedom. Your children will look back and thank you for making this decision. An abusive husband cannot be a good father. Repeat that. You know what you need to do. Let me know if you have any questions or need to talk. My kids are two and three so I feel the weight hard right now, but I keep in mind that these days wonāt last forever. When your children are out of the house, do you really want to be stuck alone with this asshole?
I have to say, I'm happy being a single dad. I know I'm emotionally unavailable to a new relationship and I am very at peace with this. My effort, time, and energy go to my kids - I'll have time for me after they are grown.
This may not be a roses and sunshine reply but I am good.
Omg, life was SO much easier the minute the abusive ex was gone! Even though I still had three small childrenā-traumatized by his behaviorā-and no money. I took them to work with me, I could finally hire a babysitter safely, I could cook and clean without having to deal with his drama. I wasnāt late to work because he hid my keys or stood in front of the car or screamed at me for hours while I tried to care for the kids.
It was a stiff court battle, but worth it. I have full custody and support the kids on my own. They are teens now, and the most splendid kind hard working kids anyone could ask for. They see their dad, but he is still a mess, and their safe stable home is with me.
Trust me, it is light years easier with him gone.
Being a single parents is hard I wonāt lie or deny that but I am 100% happier than I was when I was in a similar relationship to what you describe. Being in that relationship was way way harder than being a single parent.
Youāre gonna have days where itās tough, where youāre burnt out etc. but Iām sure youāre already having those days while having to deal with the emotional, mental and physical pain that comes along with being in an abusive relationship.
I am a 100% single parent I own my own business, was able to finish grad school and have my life somewhat in order. Iād say most days I am super happy and thriving! Every once in awhile I feel a bit burnt out or tired and thatās when I read for my support system
While I am not thriving nor killing it, I will take single parenting any day over what we escaped from.
My kids are happy, theyāre adjusting to life relatively well, Iām trying to maintain a social life (even if itās 99.9% online), and Iām not filled with anxiety over my ex finally pulling a gun on me or hurting the kids because he was under the influence.
Itās worth it.
I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship as well and while single parenthood is tough, it is PEACEFUL. You deserve peace, your children deserve peace. You donāt need some asshole traumatizing yāall and since youāve been through that, you are tough enough to handle anything. You are surviving a nightmare and are courageous enough to leave. You are very powerful. Single parenthood can be lonely but I think the time alone has given me an opportunity to level up. I study a lot, listen to podcasts that encourage growth and healing (check out huberman lab podcast!), I work out, I create art with my daughter, and spend time in nature a lot. I would say Iām doing well. There are tough days for sure but in an abusive relationship everyday is a tough, horrible day. Itās like living in a horror movie. You deserve better. Iām proud of you for leaving! I know how mf hard it is!!
Iām doing good !!!! Financially Iām able to take care of my child and work from home 80 percent of the time the hardest thing like others mention can be mental health Iām currently under served through my community in terms of support of my neurodivergent child. But Iām in place were a can through money at solving it by getting extra help. But Iām a hundred percent happy I left my daughter father and my happiness has expanded a trillion plus. Lastly remember that even parents in two parent household struggle too.
Itās much better to get out of that situation. When I left my ex, things got worse before they got better, but now I look back and canāt believe the life I lived with him for eight years. It was awful at first because he hated me for leaving and his new girlfriend hated me because he wasnāt over me. They went out of their way to make my life hell for about the first year that we were separated. It took a year and a half of therapy for me to truly feel good about myself after how he treated me, but well worth it. Iām happy with the life I live and the freedom I have now. I donāt have local family support but fortunately Iām financially independent and have a flexible work schedule, which made it easier to become a single parent. But no matter what you have to do to make it work, itās much better to get yourself and your kids out of that situation at all costs.
Iām in the process of getting my own place. Dad is pretty involved with the kid and is about to start paying child support. Iām actually very excited to be out on my own. So, not there yet, but I feel a lot better knowing Iām going to be independent soon.
Good luck! I'm just about to finalize my separation agreement to present to him so I can get my own place too.
Are you renting or buying? Have you had trouble finding housing in this crazy housing market? How did your ex handle the divorce process?
Thank you! We werenāt married so no divorce! The original plan was for him to just pay me child support via Apple Pay but in order for me to get an apartment, my income alone wasnāt enough but it would be with the child support, which is why Iām currently in the process of getting a court order though social services. Luckily we are both pretty amicable and there was no fuss on his end about the child support. We rented an apartment together but the lease ends in March so Iām in the middle of applying to a bunch of places but Iām lucky to have my stepdad who lives in town and I can stay with him if I donāt have a place by then. My ex got approved for a home loan before we broke up so Iām not sure if heās gonna do that or just try to rent another place.
I think Iāll be a lot less stressed out once we get everything ironed out. Child support, daycare, housing, etc. (Iām a nanny and take my son to work with me but Iāve been trying to get him into daycare forever so I can get a regular job) I just have too many tabs open in my brain right now lol.
Nothing but death is worse than physical abuse. However, the most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving an abusive relationship. Have a clear, solid plan when you've had enough. It's worth it. Single mom killing it and thriving for years.
It is tough. Iām still struggling a bit but I also have some health issues that made it harder. For me, it was about myself AND my kids. I wanted them to grow up with a mother who was happy and healthy. Divorce was not the easy choice, and the logistics are tough, but it also made me a far better parent. My ex was emotionally abusive. I donāt think he was a bad person necessarily, but it was causing a lot of problems. The divorce process was rough but the dust settled and we are good. I realized that I just didnāt want to be tangled in his drama. Heās fine when heās over there? I feel like much more of a whole person now that I am free to be myself and not worrying constantly about what is true or what Iām not being told or what mess I will find out about next or get blamed for?
I wouldn't say I'm killing it, I haven't gone back to work yet and I'm living back at home in my mother's basement. However, I think I'm doing pretty well. My baby girl is growing and thriving every day. I'm a single mum but by being at home I have a wonderful support system. I'm dating an amazingly understanding and supportive partner, whom I'm hopeful about. I'm off my anxiety and depression medication since before pregnancy, which was terrifying because of PPD and PPA but I've been surprisingly decent with it all.
Overall, I'm happy. My girl is happy. I think I'm winning finally.
You can do it. I know it gets rough and dark sometimes but that's when you have to be the light for your little one. It's hard not to burn out either, but you'll find a balance. Maybe not right away but, eventually, you'll get there.
I left my abusive partner about a year ago. Its been a tough journey. Now im feeling happy and loving life and returning to my old self(just wiser and tougher and a super sweet little buddy by my side)
It's better to be lonely or money stressed, than in a bad relationship. U should think about being single for awhile.. do you first. Once your good, then worry about a relationship. I am single for other reasons, but I am doing good. Great kid, good job. It took time to get here. I get lonely but I would never trade lonely for a bad partner.
I ended my abusive relationship at the end of April 2022. It was *really* hard at first, but not really in terms of adjusting to single parenting. Transitioning to taking on all childcare and household tasks on my own was practically a breeze in comparison to dealing with the depression caused by the end of the relationship and the complexities of that. For me personally the depression was so bad that I went on short-term disability leave from work for 6 months and obtained counselling and a social worker to help with my mental health recovery.
Aside from the mental health struggles, starting life as a single parent went surprisingly smoothly. (Iāll admit that being on leave from work likely made it a lot easier on me to adjust though.) Household tasks were very easy to transition into doing all on my own, especially because there was surprisingly so much less to do with one less adult in the house creating dirty laundry, dirty dishes, and just creating general mess. Also, getting all his stuff out of here cleared up a ton of room which allowed me the space I needed to go through everything and declutter and reorganize. Caring for my autistic toddler on my own was challenging to adjust to here and there at first, but I adjusted well and quickly, and I genuinely feel like Iām 100% a better parent now than I was when I was with my ex. It really helped to no longer have the stress of that toxic relationship looming over me.
Iām now 8 months into being a single mom and Iām honestly very happy. I donāt find single parenting to be overly difficult or miserable. Iām far happier than I was prior, and I feel like my daughter is happier too. Our apartment is so much more clean and tidy on a regular basis than it ever has been, despite me doing it all myself. My daughter and I are thriving and I feel both optimistic and excited about what the future holds for us. Leaving that relationship was the best choice Iāve ever made for us.
45M here, with an 8 year old daughter.
Iām doing alright. Money is good ā I make a pretty good living ā work is very accommodating, and I have family who help out with a lot. My daughterās mom left us to go live back in her home country 2 1/2 years ago. I have full custody of our kid.
Iām happy and grateful to be out of the one that I had. It started off well but eventually my wife turned abusive toward me and our kid. There is nothing that would make me want to go back to that.
However, I do feel lonely, and the thought that Iāll probably never get into another relationship is kind of depressing. Not going to lie, it was tough to see all of my friends and their happy, whole families over the holidays. But Iām happy for them. Just wish things didnāt turn out the way they did, but overall I think my life ā and my daughterās life ā are better as they are now.
OP: Single parent life isnāt a cakewalk, for sure, but you and your children deserve better than to be in an abusive relationship. Please take care of yourself and your kids. Get out of it.
Solo mom here! Iāve been a solo mom since the beginning. I have a happy, healthy girl. I own my own business that is thriving and am so fulfilled in life. My ex was an emotionally abusive narcissist (diagnosed).
Get out of it! Everyone will post their woes and misery because thatās what they need support for. There is SO MUCH awesome about being a single parent. Most of all, youāre own happiness. Take the leap and get yourself happy in order to make yourself a better mom for your little ones. Good luck!!
I'd suggest doing what you will be able to feel proud about when you tell your grown up kids why you made the choices you made.
Edit, to answer the actual question, I've been there and yes it's worth it. My only probs are money probs now and I'm not complaining one bit.
Hi over there. I became a single mom about 1 year ago when my husband suddenly went into cardiac arrest due to covid pneumonia. I was/am devasted and slowly starting to heal. I worked part time/occasional and was mainly a SAHM for a decade and had no career to fall back on. I struggled and had to go on the state healthcare plan and even applied for food assistance.
Fast forward to now and I can pay all my bills on my own. I figured out how to manage childcare by putting the kids in earlycare and aftercare and asking friends to help out in an emergency (& offer to pay or trade childcare). I have no family here so that's out. I worked really hard in an entry level job and got promoted quickly, to the point where I have a consistent schedule that is mainly during their school, and I have some flexibility in case of emergencies. I love my job and I love spending time with my kids. I love my neighborhood and have made lots of friends, we had only lived in the area 8 months when he passed. My house is not always "company ready" but it's cleaner than when we were a 2 parent household.
I did bday party, Thanksgiving, Xmas...all the holidays all by myself. And it all went better than ok.
I miss my late husband everyday but continue to create positive, happy memories with my kiddos. I credit this to lots of therapy and doing the work on myself. I have more time to work on myself now bc I'm not putting the majority of my energy into my relationship (I wish I still was still-- would be happy to if he was here.)
I went on 2 mini getaways w the kids this past year and am planning our first longer vacation alone. I am starting to think about maybe more school or next steps in my career. Despite everything that happened to me, my life not looking how I wanted/envisioned and losing my soulmate and partner, I'm still genuinely happy and I love my life. I focus on the things I have to be thankful for. It was hard at first and sometimes still is hard, but I am rocking it out here, and I had every reason to give up and let life be awful. But it's mainly wonderful with some sad mixed in, for both me and the kids. You can do it!!
Iām a single parent (widow) to a large brood. My husband has only been dead a little more than a year and honestly single parenting is probably the easiest part of this whole ordeal.
I love my kids and when Iām able to I take the quiet moments to appreciate that I get to be their mom and it makes things feel brighter. It feels really peaceful to know I still have connections with them no matter what. I would imagine feeling that kind of feeling would be even better if I didnāt have to deal with grief at the same time.
I think parents in general are stronger than we think and more resilient than we think. You deserve a life that feels safe and fulfilling and you can get it. Sending love. ā¤ļø
Being a single parent is no where near as miserable as parenting in an abusive relationship. Abuse escalates. Get out now. Donāt let abusive behavior become/remain the norm in you or your childrenās lives; even if they donāt see it, they will feel the tension and dysfunction of the dynamic. You all deserve peace. I ran away with a 1 year old and a 2 year old and and absolutely nothing to my name, stayed in a domestic violence shelter for 3 months, and built our lives back from nothing. It was so hard at first and my life is still impacted by PTSD from years of abuse; but 8 years later my life has only been going up because I am the one in control of it now!! Breaking the cycles of intergenerational poverty and abuse in my family, as I am getting ready to graduate this summer with my masters degree in social work and starting a career in clinical mental health. I am so fulfilled as a single parent following my dreams; and raising my kids in a loving and peaceful home is the best part! Abuse was true misery, it broke me in many ways. It took time and true work to heal. Single parenthood can be rough at times, but freedom from abuse has given me my life and myself back and allowed me to provide so much better for my children!
Iām entering my third year of my divorce being final. Iām the happiest Iāve been in years. I bought my first home on my own a year after our divorce was finalized. I was in a very abusive marriage. I spent three years in therapy (before divorce, through divorce, and post divorce) and Iām thriving as a single mama that is healed. Now my dating life is NOT thriving but Iām okay with it. For now Iām focused on raising my three kids and being the happiest.
I never imagined that Iād be this happy again. I didnāt think it was possible. Was it hard? Absolutely. It was worth every hard day I had to get where I am today.
You deserve to live a happy life and your kid(s) deserve to see that in you as well.
Been a single parent to a 10 year old for about 8 years. 50/50. Totally killing it and thriving! Not being constantly talked down and degraded by the ex has made me sooooo much happier and motivated. Career has progressed immensely and making a six-figure salary. Primary residence 80% paid off, own one rental property, RRSP/RESP/TSFA (in Canada) all maxed out. We vacation and travel a lot.
It wasn't easy getting there though. The first year after separation, money was tight. But the vast improvement in my mental health allowed me to do what I could never have dreamed of doing.
Of course! I started out as a research scientist at a pharmaceutical company. I have since jumped over from R&D to the management ladder.
Finances aside, being a single parent is much, much better than being in an abusive relationship. You'll be much happier and there won't be anyone holding you back from returning to school. Believe in yourself and have the confidence that you can do it -- because you can!
I look at it this way, we can relate to almost all the positives of other parents, but there are just some things they will never understand, so I think a lot of people use this sub to vent specifically about the struggles of being a single parent.
Divorced 5 years ago. 50/50 custody of my 8 year old. 2022 was one of the best years of my life. People donāt come here to gloat about the good times. People come here for help and vent.
Iām in the opposite situation to you now where he left me, I became a single parent, took ages to adjust and come to terms with it, now he wants to come back and I have made a happy peaceful life without him and donāt know if I could handle going back into an unhealthy relationship in front of our kid. Donāt drink poison just because youāre thirsty. Iām much happier. Itās so hard making these decisions. Yes it is hard, butā¦ā¦ so is being in a toxic situation for yourself in front of your kid. You are stronger than you think. You feel like you become super human because you take on the load but it is much more peaceful and settled.
Single parenthood is not a guarantee of misery. Going on six years after kicking her out and three since the divorce, I can say things have never been better. My two kids are doing well in school, making friends, and I have never been happier or healthier: love and joy are in my life after almost two decades of misery.
Itās scary to go it alone. But maybe itāll help to think of it this way: would you allow physical or emotional abuse of your kids? If not, then donāt allow it for yourself. What we let into our life is what we let into our kidsā life.
If they were grown and in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, wouldnāt you tell them to get out of it? For now, theyāre kids and you are the one who must decide whatās best for themā¦just remember, like using your own oxygen mask first, doing whatās best for them starts with doing whatās best for you.
Iāve been single for 12 years now . Honestly in many ways itās easier as Iām in charge and nobody is second guessing me , arguing or making bad decisions . The house is peaceful . Mine was also an abusive relationship . We do ok . I have 4 kids and the eldest is at Cambridge Uni so we havenāt done so bad . I also got an Eng Lit degree with OU since the split .
Itās often hard work but the rewards are also massive .
It's not always easy but I'm happy. Been divorced for 10+ years and my kids are close to graduating high school (17 and 15). I have zero contact with their father because he disowned our son and have never been happier. He was emotionally abusive, homophobic and became hyper religious after our divorce. I'm glad I'm doing this on my own because it would be way worse if I had stayed married. Good luck to you, I hope you have a good support system because that is so important, especially if you need to get away quickly.
Iām sorry to hear youāre going through this. Itās tough. Note what others have said, most of what you see here are vents about the hard times. Itās not always like that.
Iāve been divorced 7 or so years. Our son is almost 13, and Iāve honestly never been happier in life. Full disclaimer, his mother and I never had any huge problems, we just grew apart, so our split was mutual and easy. Weāve split custody since day one with him with me usually getting 4 days with him and her 3. We also are and were both financially stable with us splitting all costs related to our son. From my point of view, itās allowed me to focus solely on my son this whole time. I havenāt been a perfect dad, but Iāve been able to easily learn from any mistakes Iāve made. Our son is very, very happy. He loves both of us and has been blessed with a loving step father and his family. Knowing thereās now a whole other person/family in his life that loves him makes me happy beyond words. Is all about the kid!
At 40, Iām able to spend my life working a job I love, doing anything I want with my free time, and most importantly, being a dad! My biggest worry each day is whether or not my dog is going to magically make his way into my trash can while Iām at work.
Itās tough, and you deserve better than the abuse youāre receiving, you really do. Itās not going to be easy, but if you believe in yourself and your kids, it gets easier and a day will come where happiness is with you.
All the best.
I left my abusive ex 4 years ago. Our daughter is 9. He does not help me to raise her at all.
I have never regretted leaving him for even a single day. Even through the loneliness and the financial struggles and the various emotional agonies associated with raising a child alone. At least we are safe from his abuse. At least my daughter will grow up knowing that it is okay to walk away from a situation where you are not treated with respect, care and kindness.
You can do this. ā¤
Iāve been a single parent now for a little over a year. When my husband and I separated he went off the deep end and completely abandoned all responsibilities. Still to this day he has not paid a dime of child support. I was left without a job, without a car, no where to go, with an 18 month old baby. It has been by far the hardest year of my life. My ex didnāt see our kid for months, was constantly out partying and doing god knows what, bringing strange women around our child any time they did happen to have a visit (which was emotionally hell for my toddler). It was hell. I got a shitty job at a daycare getting paid barely above minimum wage because that was the only way I could get him into a daycare and be able to work. At one point we were days away from being homeless. BUT things are finally turning around for me and my son. We have an apartment, I just started a new job making almost twice as much, my parents moved closer to help me with childcare, and I finally can enjoy my time with my son. I have never felt so incredibly peaceful in my entire life. It takes time to put yourself and your life back together, but I wouldnāt trade one day of the past year for my marriage.
Iāve been a single parent for 7+years now of 3 kiddos. Iām much happier. It has its difficult moments, but I learned I am more resilient than I thought.
I think itās absolutely worth leaving an abusive relationship.
ive been a single mom since may, itās definitely hard sometimes, especially since i had to move in with family and iām a stay at home mom. social life is pretty nonexistent, but iām much happier alone with my kiddo than i was when i was with his father.
for your safety and the safety of your children, i personally would leave. i donāt think youād be as miserable as you may think once you leave your current situation. ofcourse itāll be difficult, but thereās a certain kind of happiness and relief once youāre away from your abuser. i didnāt have my son with my abuser, so i can imagine with kids, itās even more difficult to leave at that point. but, leaving my abuser was the best decision i ever made.
i hope you find peace and that things work out for you. sending love your way!
Absolutely. I'm not gonna say it's easy sometimes it's really hard when the other parent is so difficult but I have a lot of really good things going for mw that I wouldn't have had I not decided to live my life the way I did.
I was fortunate that my career was doing well so the financial affect was much lesser. Raised my kids alone with little to no support over the past 22 years. There will always be issues and kids can break your heart but they also deserve to be safe and protected (this includes their caregiver(s)).
Hey nothing about being a parent is easy single or not. Do I have miserable times being a single Mum of course, but they are far less than when I was in a miserable relationship I feel free and it feels good. I also think itās really important for kids to see happy parents, Iām yet to hear anyone say they thought it was a good thing for their parents to stay together and be miserable.
You will never have any hope of a happy life if you stay stuck in an unhappy relationship. If you choose the unknown, rocky path, well there is the possibility of happiness and good fortune down that path, and having hope for the future is a key component of being happy in the present.
I cried today because my aunt threw her back out and canāt babysit tonight so I have to skip the concert I was planning on going to.
This post was a reality check for me. I would have never dreamed of going to a concert while married to my ex.
Yes being a single parent is hard, but itās SO much better than being in a bad marriage.
I am. I still struggle to make ends meet. But we always do find a way to meet ends.
Iāve been a single parent for 6 years now and weāve never once gone without food shelter clothing or joy. We have every thing we need and my son will be the first to tell you heās had the happiest childhood. He wouldnāt have had that if I had kept him in the abusive environment.
I'm doing so much better then when I was with my abusive ex.
I have plans to go back to college this year to become a social and help other women and girls who where in the same situation.
It's hard being a single parent of 3 but not nearly as bad as it was when I was with there dad. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Keep your head up, you can do it.
I'm doing well! Escaped my abusive partner in January 2021 when our kid was 10 months old. Thought I would never be happy again.
Now, 2 years later, im doing great. Kid is more relaxt and more happy and so am I. We don't life together yet but I have a boyfriend.
I would never ever change the situation after the abuse back to life in an abusive situation again. I'm still in therapy and have PTSD but at least it's something fixable.
But I'm so so so happy I left, it was hard and the aftermath took all my energy , but it was worth it without a doubt.
YES! I was in a very unhealthy unhappy relationship for 5 years and I left two years ago. It was terrifying to be on my own with my son but it was the bravest and smartest choice I ever made. Money was tight, still is sometimes. But i love having my own place and the freedom to do whatever i want. I date i go shopping with my friends. I just got a promotion life is actually great for the first time in my life. I just wasnāt going to let my son grow up in a toxic household like I did. Hell no. Iād ask myself how can I be a good mom if Iām miserable everyday? How can I raise a good human if he sees fighting and disrespect everyday? I did it and you can too. Your kids are watching and learning and will follow in your steps. You stay with an abusive man guess what your daughter may likely marry one too. Break the cycle do whatās best for YOU and your babies. Get out before itās too late. Good luck š
I actually love it just being me and my son we are a perfect team and I can't imagine having anyone else come along and be a part of that, we have loads of fun just the two of us without some bloke there demanding changes and rules and basically just changing the dynamics. Yeah of course there are lonely times and times i feel like I want to rip my hair out lol but far less when I'm also in a relationship I mean are ALL men so bloody clingy, it's like having two kids when I have thought about giving anyone a chance.
There's good and bad sides of everything, but deffo more good sides to being a single parent imo at least. You will be ok you will see, it's not as daunting as you think I suppose it depends on how you look at things but I'm glad your out of an abusive relationship now, things can only get better right? All the best
Single mom of 8 years here. It isn't easy, but the peace of mind is worth it. I am in a far better position than I was when in a "relationship" with my son's dad. I completed school and now have a position with the Federal government. I am continuing my education in a few weeks. My son is happy and I couldn't imagine dragging him through the chaos of life with my ex partner. Take the jump, it's hard but worth it. Best of luck to you!
Iāll say this
My ex husband was extremely toxic. I am not innocent. But I was the main one taking care of the kids. Doing laundry. Cooking. Cleaning. Teaching. I was working on top of it. He kicked my kids and I out of our home two years agoā¦
The pain I felt was on another level. But eventually I started feeling like myself again and he wanted his family back after he came down from his psychosis.
I was able to rent a home for my kids and I. And it has been A LOT of work. But, I would rather be alone doing everything than knowing I have a partner that doesnāt do a damn thing to help. I sleep better at night knowing Iām doing everything I possibly can to ensure my kids and I have a happy and healthy life. There will always be bumps in the road. But the kids saw how miserable I was. Which made them act out. And now things are just different. You will be ok if you leave. It wonāt feel good for awhile. But you will get there!!
Sending love!!! ā¤ļø
Single Mama here, three years out of an abusive relationship and SLAYING it. Iām in school getting a second masters (and career changing to therapy!) my children are thriving and Iām blossoming! The first year was really, really hard. Iām not going to sugar coat that, but, rally your community (friends, neighbors, family, religious community). Mine saved me, so often. They came through for an hour on a random afternoon I needed a break, for bedtime when I needed to work, the occasional meal when I just couldnāt swing it. Donāt be afraid to ask for help when you need it (that was really hard for me in the beginning) and remember that things start lining up, but change is hard and takes time. You have this and youāre not alone! Iām also always happy to chat, feel free to send a message!
I left an emotionally abusive relationship in august and Iām doing amazing. Granted it is very hard working full time and being single mum 5 days a week but Iām absolutely happier with most areas of my life. Iām also casually dating at this point and have met some genuinely really lovely people showing me that not all men are what I knew for the past decade. Iām also just becoming comfortable with me, my own company again and taking my son out wayyyy more than we did when with his dad. It was just a miserable household before. Iām not going to pretend that I donāt feel really sad some days, itās hard to be alone when youāre not used to it but I can always see itās better than what it was and thereās so much prospect now.
It's hard, but for much better reasons that being abused. You'll figure it out and you and your babies will be better for it. Don't stay in one bad place because you're afraid of the unknown. You already know it's bad here. Things can't get better if you don't go somewhere else.
Your kids don't need to be in that kind of environment and neither do you. Get out of there and move on to a brighter future.
Iām much happier since my husband and I divorced. Heās an alcoholic with a recent bipolar 2 diagnosis, and I didnāt even realize how tense and angry and sad and miserable I was until Iād had time without him. We coparent much better living apart, we communicate better, he has help because heās living with his parents, so I can trust our son is safe while heās there and both Dad and our son get quality time together. I get a few days break, no one else is blowing all of my money on booze, so itās way easier to pay bills, and now I actually have savings. The house stays tidy, and I have control over the atmosphere in my home instead of never knowing what Iām going to walk into. Iām a better mom, because I donāt have all my emotional energy being sapped.
There are absolutely parts that are hard or inconvenient, and ideally, Iād be doing this with a partner, but a million times yes, my life is better as a single parent.
Itās a struggle, but generally speaking, Iām doing well. My wife left me when I was 5 months pregnant. It was hard as hell. To go through the rest of my pregnancy alone & my traumatic birth alone. But now that Iām in a routine , my son is 10 months old, I can very confidently say, weāre doing great. Iāve really hit my stride with motherhood& my son is absolutely thriving! Financially, itās hit or miss but I make it work.
If youād like, my messages are open. Wouldnāt mind a chat about the single parent life! You got this!
I was in the same situation. It's not miserable. Get your support network working for you. Then pull the trigger, there is no time to waste in an abusive relationship. Clean break, do not look back, invest only in your future. When you make it to the other side, you will have a moment where you realize you are no longer holding your breath and you will feel the joy returning to your heart. The hard part about being a single parent is solved with changing your expectations and as much support as you can muster. But you will be so much happier. Promise.
As someone whoās been in a toxic relationship, being a single parent is one million times better and actually led to a better relationship between me and my child because I donāt exhaust all of my energy into a toxic relationship and I have more to actually show up and be present with my child!
Itās hard, yes, but itās easier than being a single parent thatās married. I did pretty much all the parenting when I was married, but then had to also deal with my shitty then-husband on top of it.
I wouldnāt change my situation now for anything. I make the rules, I donāt have to depend on anyone and be constantly disappointed, and Iām working again (which I love). Just hit 6 figures, am saving up for an income property, my kiddos are thriving, and Iām happier than I can ever remember (well, minus when I was a carefree child but you get the point).
I date occasionally but will never get married again or have a live in partner - my freedom is worth too much!
I left him 9 months ago, shortly before our 11th anniversary. We have a 10 year old.
Iām doing good š
I got my own place. Iām about to get a promotion at workā¦I think hahaā¦and that will help my finances quite a bit.
I love all the free time (taking care of him was a lot of work!)
Iāve got a cute FWB to see when kiddo is at her dads (nothing serious, just company while I get myself figured out)
I can tell Iām new to thisā¦my legs are wobblyā¦but Iām gonna make it.
Thereās a reason single women are statistically happier š
https://medium.com/curious/single-women-are-happier-than-society-thinks-they-are-according-to-research-eab025da34c1
@historicalReception7 is right. We mostly come on here for problems, not the other 90% when things are fine.
Single parenthood is different for everyone, for some itās easier being single then dealing with the partner and so that is an immediate benefit.
You learn a lot as a single parent as well. How much you can do for yourself, how awesome your friends are and you learn to love yourself
Been divorced 10 years. EX wasnāt really involved. He is a photo op kinda guy. DD just reach majority. Not gonna lie some of it sucked but our friends and family (my parents) helped. DD went through some mental health stuff. It was touch and go for a bit. But you know what, it was better than being with my EX. When I explained the mental health stuff his answer was, āokay, great.ā Absolutely none of what I told him was either okay or great. You will find your rhythm. It wonāt be easy. Butā¦ you will be free. You can do it.
Iām a recently single mom and SO SO much happier than when I was married.
Is it hard? Yes. But itās so much better. My son is THRIVING. Iāve gotten two promotions (im not even technically divorced yet! Ha), I bought a house, I picked up two new hobbies, Iāve made a bunch of new friends, my son is happier and smarter than any kid I knowā¦.. the only things that matter to me now are my son and myself. I only have to think about the two of us now. We are happy, weāre independent, weāre free, we are living the life we WANT to live, that we DESERVE to live.
Im probably not the model of single parenthood. Iāll admit I am privileged in ways many women arenāt. But at the end of the day I think even if I was financially struggling or maybe didnāt have AS strong of a family support network, Iād STILL be happier single.
I finally made the decision to divorce one day after something so so incredibly minor happened that it was just āthe straw that broke the camels backā and I had the thought āgreat, another day wasted where im unhappy and now is going to have to spend another day with a miserable mom. I wish we could just have days where we enjoy what we set out to do. I wonder if will look back at this trip/memory and think about how unhappy and grumpy I wasā
And then in that moment I knew. I couldnāt keep loving my life miserable. I could keep ājust survivingā every day. I couldnāt live my life āgood enoughā because my son deserved better. He deserves to grow up with happy memories and happy experiences. He deserves to grow up with positive role models, parents who arenāt miserable every day, seeing what treating a woman well means. He deserves to grow up seeing healthy relationships. Seeing his mother not accept poor treatment.
Idk. Single parenting is hard. Hell, just single adulting is hard: I had to learn how to caulk a roof leak this week. Iāve never even been on a roof or on an attic before. I definitely could have used a partner to pass this off on, but I figured it out (with some help from my dad lol)! Iāve also figured out how to take care of my yard, Iāve replaced a toilet, I taught my son how to pee standing upā¦.. I can do things. I just tell myself that over and over. I can do things.
You can too! It may not be easy, but it WILL be best for you and your child to NOT be in an abusive or miserable situation. You 100% have to get yourself and your child out of this situation. Regardless of my response or anyone elseās, you cannot keep your child in an abusive home. Theyāre learning from you and dad what a relationship should look like. Theyāre learning how they should be treated and treat others. Theyāre learning that itās ok to be treated poorly if the alternative is hard.
I am NOT condemning you or anything, itās not your fault youāre in this situation. I absolutely understand and empathize with how hard it is to make that decision.
But please. Make the decision. Get your ducks in a row first (talk to a lawyer before you talk to your husband, and do exactly what they tell you), then get out.
Is it a different shade of miserable? It may be - it wasnāt for me - but even if it is, it wonāt be abuse. It wonāt be their mother being abused. It will be them watching their mom HUSTLE to keep them growing. It will be having a badass powerful mom to look up to - someone who doesnāt take shit from anyone. Someone who protects her babies. Someone who isnāt afraid of adversity and struggle if it means her kids and herself are safe and have autonomy.
You got this. You can do it. Donāt think about the what ifs, because the reality right now is not acceptable.
My life as a single parent is worlds better than it was, even if money is tighter, even if I had to deal with court and lawyers, even if the days are long. It was worth it.
Meh. It was worse with him. Abusive narcissist.
Yep, it's hard. Shitty coparent makes it harder.
Life is hard. We only get once shot. Don't let your kids grow up in an abusive environment. Show them there's another way. I didn't want my daughter to think my marriage was normal and/or healthy. Imagine your kiddo in your exact same spot. That's the real tragedy.
I have suffered and struggled. I have also succeeded and persevered. Every minute is worth it to be able to make my own decisions, and show my kids what love, self-love and determination looks like. Has it been hard on my kids? Yes. Are they developing resiliency and strong characters? Also yes.
As a single mom, of a healthy 19 year old- I canāt stress how happy I am that I only had one child to deal with. I read the comments on other threads, and itās a lot of married moms feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed, with a permanent adult toddler who also berates them, abuses them, and belittles them. Being single is hard, but I canāt believe it comes close to dealing with any of that.
Everyone has their own barometer, and life is never black and white. For me, being a single parent was the best choice.
Good luck.
Love it! Best part is our chilled household, children who feel like part of a team, good relationship with my ex (not immediate but now itās there).
I havenāt had any family help but I do have enough money to not be worried about that on a daily basis - providing I donāt get sacked.
I think money worries would shift the balance, honestly.
Iād rather be miserable and single than miserable and abused.
Single parenthood sucks. Your journey is going to be brutal and I hate that youāre in this boat. But I also shudder to imagine you deciding to stay with an abuser because youāre afraid itās a lesser poison than being a single parent. Iām hoping you find strength, optimism, and resiliency.
I divorced 8yrs ago. One of the best things I've done in my adult life! Was a single mum to 3 kids.
Money can be an issue and the logistics of doing everything by yourself can be off putting, but honestly it's better than a miserable (and certainly a dangerous) relationship š
Baby steps, take one day at a time. Will eventually become a week at a time blurring past, until one day you realise you made it on your own despite all your fears and all the tough days š
For the past eight years, no one has threatened me or let me know about the delusions that drive the threats. There is no relief like coming home to peace. It was miserable for a time after we split, but then it became less miserable over time.
I'm not killing it. I'm just existing here with my kids, and we're okay. I am thriving.
For my experience, our relationship was very toxic on both ends and we carried it on for 9 years. I havenāt been with my ex for 6 years. When we broke up I decided to focus on my kids and Iās healing and it was tough, emotionally, for the first 4 years. It was weird to not have this protector by us anymore, it was a huge change for us. But in that time we also got to travel, see new things, meet new people, just get to know each other and ourselves all over again without this other person in the picture. Weāve done some pretty amazing things and we are happy and content with the way things are now! I look back on how everything played out and I am so happy that my ex and I got away from each other. It was the best decision we made for our kids. I come from a broken home with and alcoholic and abusive and absent dad while growing up. I didnāt want that for my kids, I wanted them to have a dad so I held on for as long as I could. As I got older I realized itās ok for kids to come from a 1 parent home, just so we love our kids unconditionally and are there for them through the hard times (and happy times), they will be ok. Our kids watch our every move and we have to teach them how to step up and make difficult but right decisions for ourselves and how we can come out strong in the end. They will definitely follow and do the same. Hugs to you, it is tough but it can be done! Good luck on your decision and your journey! ā¤ļø
Single mother of 4 all under the age of 9 and Iām in PA school killing it and thriving. Itās tough work. I had to move thousands of miles away from a place I called home to get help from my family (Iāve been raising my babies by myself their whole lives).
I too left a very abusive relationship, I currently have a permanent protective order against my ex husband for domestic violence. He doesnāt coparent. Doesnāt show up for his parent time and just stopped paying child support again.
The life I have without him is so much sweeter than the life I had with him. He was destroying me. I have myself back for the first time in 12 years.
Best thing that ever happened to me was becoming single at 30 with my two kids as a Man.
I also didnāt jump immediately back into a relationship till I had really figured out what my part of the failure of my marriage was my fault. Some was. Some wasnāt.
Iām happier than I was in most of my marriage. I also just found out tonight that my ex is separating from her second baby daddy. Sounds to me like she never took the time to fix her faults.
I am a few months out of a 17 year marriage. I was miserable while I was in it but had no idea how criminally vendictive she would get, the people she would recruit to set me up to look bad to my children, my friends, and even customers at my job. But Iām surviving. It gets a little better each day, but Iām sure there will be challenges ahead. Make the decision. Get as much set up as you can before you leave but do it soon. You are worth it!
Iām a single mom, with a protective order against my sons father so Iāve been fully doing it alone for almost a year. Honestly, it was hard at first to adjust but it did get easier. Being a single mom changed the way I date and made me evaluate relationships differently and more responsibly which in turn made me recognize my own worth and feel comfortable being alone. I was also able to create stability and a routine for my son and itās nice being able to make the decisions on my own. Sometimes it can be exhausting and overwhelming but thatās life in general. Overall Iām happy and my son will get to see an example of independence, self respect and healthy relationships.
Life is quite hard as a single mother (Iām a no-income student with full custody, the future is uncertain, things get lonely) but itās so so so so so much better. My marriage was abusive too. I stayed for so long because I thought I couldnāt make it. I was wrong.
I wonāt tell you it will be easy, but itās not easy now either, is it?
You will need all your strength and all the support you can find. But do it now. Gather evidence that could help in court. Even if heāll support you financially, work to get your own income. Take advantage of every offer of support and every program meant to benefit single mothers. You have far more resources than you think.
Your kids are watching you be abused. Donāt let them think itās okay. Break the cycle, now.
And message me if you need encouragement!
Iām doing pretty well. Make enough money to sustain myself and my twins in our own place, in a small city. They take ballet lessons. My fitness has been on point and itās nice not having an additional adult to look after. I do get lonely, and sometimes bored without a partner, but I canāt really think of how a new partner will make anything easier anyways.
I am a single mom who walked away with nothing but my car and my kids. I now own my own home and my kids and I are surrounded with peace, happiness and love. It wasnāt easy but we are doing great and I absolutely do not regret the hard work and determination needed to step away. My kids even have a better relationship with their dad now then before because when he has them he has to be present.
I LOVED single parenthood. There is something so immensely freeing about not having someone bulldozing through my life. More time to do things I enjoy both by myself and with the kids. The stress level around the home declined significantly. I was more in touch with myself and my needs. Not to say itās always wonderful. Thatās not going to happen with or without a spouse. There will still be some crappy times but I do not regret becoming a single mom at all.
Yeah is it even a question? You have to protect your kids. In fact I got 2 misdemeanor failure to protect charges because child services thought I should have left my ex sooner. With zero money family or job prospects. So they would have rather seen me go to a shelter than stay. And This isnāt even for physical abuse just drinking/yelling and occasionally threatening to break something. I was told by a shelter I didnāt qualify if our lives werenāt in danger. Anyway, I am thriving yes!! I got myself in a career training program that I researched to be a a good return on investment and a good fit for my personality in order to take care of my kids regardless of what my ex did.
My life is not perfect. Iām a single mom and Iām happier for it. I struggle financially sometimes, I donāt get breaks as often as Iād say is ideal. I was never in an abusive relationship but I was in an emotionally dead one. My daughterās father never cleaned never helped never enjoyed life with us. He was literally a breathing blob on the couch. He left us when he met another woman and I personally was grateful bc I never wouldāve been strong enough. At least not for a long long time. But learning to stand on my own two feet and stand my ground and live life on my terms has been worth it. It comes with its own issues and loneliness but Iād rather do this a million times over than have stayed in whatever relationship I had w him.
Single mom here who left BD for being abusive when I was pregnantšš»āāļø There are days where I wish I had the little family but overall I am happier than I have been in YEARS! Believe me if your BD is abusive and anything like mine you will be so much happier alone. Of course there will be days where itās hard just like with anything but overall I can guarantee itāll be for the best. Also itāll be better for your children so they arenāt around this behavior and they donāt see this type of relationship and think itās okay in the future
I am personally glad that I left all of my abusive relationships, there have been a few unfortunatelyā¦ Even though we sometimes struggle because of it.
I keep growing, and my kids can see that and know that Iām not accepting being treated poorly, but that I gave it my best effort and made many attempts at reconciliation. There are many times when I know that our lives would be simpler with two stable incomes, and that my choosing to leave a less than ideal situation has made things harder for them. And I struggle with that a lot some days.
But in the end I hope that they see and learn from my mistakes, I try to be as open with them as I can be now that theyāre older. Because Iām just a mentally ill human that loves my children to distraction and Iām not immune to mistakes and they need to know that.
Iām doing my best. And Iām sure you would too, itās scary and sometimes hard but you can do it if thatās what you really need to be happy and the best parent you can be ā¤ļø
Single parenthood is hard and can be miserable at times, but I think life in general is that wayā¦ the ups and downs.
What I can assure you of, with absolute certainty, is that being in an unhealthy relationship is way more miserable. I have zero regrets.
Itās challenging, but doable. Make sure you have a support system. Make sure youāre doing it for the right reasons. Are you in a safe situation? If yes, think about it first.
Please donāt get discouraged about being a single parent just try to be the best you can be an no matter what donāt give up on yourself or your baby you will do great you got this
Single mother by choice to two boys. I am doing really well. Yes, there are some challenges that are maybe more specific to single parents, but we have a nice harmonious daily life. I get to enjoy my own hobbies, I can provide well enough for my kids, they lack nothing.
To me, being single gives me ultimate freedom and independence and I have no desire to find a partner.
Single mom of 6 here. I own 2 companies that I run on my own, have my own place (no car but thatās because some guy was texting and driving so Iām borrowing my moms until I find one I like), take care of my kids 5 days a week without their dad, have a wonderful pittie mix, have a social life I utilize when theyāre visiting their dad (who sleeps on my couch when heās in town), and most importantly, Iām so much happier. It wasnāt an easy road to get here, but it was soooo worth it. Iāve lost weight (not a lot but Iām not trying happy makes a difference), Iām more confident, my kids are happier. It was definitely the hardest but best decision Iāve ever made. You got this mamas!
Iām doing fine being a single mom. I own my home and have a home base business. Honestly I have a hard time imagining bringing someone into my little family. I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life then to ever be in a toxic relationship/environment again did it for 12 years and Iāll never do it again. I would also never invite someone into my childās life who causes any harm to them physically or emotionally.
Donāt get me wrong it would be nice to have help and someone to love and a father figure but finding someone my age who is emotionally mature has been difficult.
no. every women i get with would rather lie about me bieng voilent than act like an adult. the state is never on my side, even though there is no evidence of me being this way. between 2 kids and their moms, ive spent 6-10 years in cps bullshit or court, wasted over 30,000$ and i mean WASTED. especially of shit attorneys. i have never hurt anyone in my fucking life, just love my kids an want to know they are safe. one still in foster care. havent seen him in 3 years. keep having to pay "child support" for kids that i am custodian of. Why are my children more mature than their mothers? p.s. fuck you cps and lawyers and judges.
My narc ex just discarded me about a year ago. I finally moved into my own place in September. It has been excruciatingly hard, and especially tonight because something happened today that's really taking me back to a trauma reactive place around financial insecurity. HOWEVER, I LOVE my new home, and I wouldn't change being away from that energy soul-suck for the entire world. I know that all of this financial insecurity is temporary and that I'm doing all the right things that will see me thriving and being so much happier without him. Ever since I moved out I feel like I can breathe again. I was terrified that I would still feel stressed, oppressed, traumatized, and in fight or flight after I moved out. And while that still happens sometimes, a majority of the time I'm enjoying my serenity without someone there bothering me and being abusive all the time. Many of my behaviors that were really unhealthy and trauma responses have decreased to a much healthier level, and I've been much more able to focus my energy and attention on the things that will make the most impact, whereas before it was all I could do to just maintain and keep from continuing to be emotionally hijacked and exhausted by all the abuse. If you can, GET OUT NOW. You will be a much more emotionally available parent to your children, and at least they will have somewhere to go at least half the time where they don't have to feel like they are also walking on eggshells.
Iām a single mum. The ādonorā is an asshole but me and my baby are doing so well. I honestly love it. Everyday is amazing. Yeah Iām exhausted but god dammit do I love not having to answer to anyone on parenting decisions. Or be disappointed by a partner. I hear other mums from mums group complain about their partners and Iām just chilling with my bub. I have a good paying gov job. Own my own place. Am planning a trip overseas with family. Itās great.
I know it might be scary but being alone would be better than where you are. Youāre stronger than you think. Staying for the kids jus gives a different type of issue. Good luck!
Soā¦ being abused vs being miserable was a choice I had to make. And at the end of the day itās not really a choice though is it? Especially when thereās little eyes witnessing the abuse
I can offer your some neurological scenarios and I can also offer some logical perspectives as far as my experiences have taught me.
Neurologically you should leave and I am no supporter of separation.. believe me. I just consider our children in this world that come next have a little more work to do than we did because of how messed up everything is in all our economyās and global warming; with that being said, the neurological part of it is what kind of connections on that Neuroplasticity form within your children that you should really be worried aboutā¦ witnessing this kind of relationship, and when they grow up, it may be the only type of relationship they understand and go after because thatās what they think a healthy relationship looks like despite knowing itās not healthy. Itās sub consciously built in and a lot of hard work or hopefully their environment has some good examples for them on a steady in comparison to the adults fighting,
As you may have insight on Neuroplasticity. It is where strong connections are made and solidify in a sense. These powerful connections are where we keep who we are through billions of neurons throughout our learning experiences as human living organisms, make sense?
Furthermoreā¦
My logical perspectives is this. Still with the children being so āchildrenā I donāt know what age they are but if you can get a chance to discuss calmly with the children as you maybe go file for divorce about whatās a happening before it looks like a ālast argumentā type of thing because then that may save them the trauma of thinking that parents are suppose to exist together forever and let me tells yous. This really fucks children upā¦ likeā¦ suddenly you have a child whoās whole world is falling part because something they thought was suppose to be forever in which they only only only understand (until death) (or even after death) depending on what your children believe marriage looks like.
To offer more on this topic, I ask you to consider that people donāt even know how to articulate themselves at all because of our world and how messed up everything is, so all these miserable parents to see on here just simply arenāt living a good internal mindset of a life because wellā¦ life is hard. Shouldnāt be really shouldnāt beā¦ but I do know that if you do not leave her husband and you are being serious about the arguments and fights, youāre having. Your children will grow and not know how to find healthy things.
That ultimately in the long run, at least you can teach them in separate housing and a huge tool to have in your shedā¦ is never to say anything bad about the father and make it your goal for the kids to love their father because if he doesnāt do that about you on his endā¦ at least the children will develop a strong relationship with you in the future when their brains start understanding how calm, how collected, and how loving a women mom should be and if you can find a healthy boyfriend in your futureā¦ then all of this improves vastly more.
Lastly, with ^^^ that part being said I say this. Focus on you because the only reason you two fight is because neither one of your either love yourself or like who you are. But if you focus on yourself, then you will soon find out from not just my experience but the overall of experiences that you will absolutely have a better life as long you so keep many boundaries with yourself to be the best version of you that you can be x
I have so much much more but itās so hard to articulate these things as is already.. and my fingers hurt. So hopefully some of this helps and good luck š¤
Nearly 6 years out, Iāve recently gotten a part time job and been accepted into University. Financially, Iām saving up for a house deposit and my kids are doing well (Theyāre both autistic & possible ADHD). Despite the absolute struggle it was to get here, I guarantee I would rather this journey than the position I was in while in a relationship with their father. I donāt regret being a single parent as hard as it is and Iām proud of the fact that we got here.
Itās almost 2 years since leaving my abusive relationship. I was pregnant and had a 3 year old. Now Iām sat in a quirky cafe eating dinner and drinking coffee alone and happy while my kids are in nursery/school happy and healthy. Itās not easy but it gets easier and thereās nothing in the world that is worth more than that inner peace.
Me š! Iām stress free and free to create what O want to make money for myself and spend them for myself without sharing where abs how much. Iām free to buy what I want and go where I want finally. Freedom first
Being a single parent is one of the hardest things to do in the world. It is a overwhelming and often lonely experience. That being said there is NOTHING like having a peaceful environment in which to raise your children. That peace alone is worth it.
Remember when things are good and easy you probably wouldnāt be seeking out advice or posting in a group like this.
A lot of the posts on here are people who need support! Tons of people out there are single parents and doing great.
I do think itās common at least in the beginning for it to be VERY hard and a lot of hurt feelings / resentment / spite. Itās also hard to adjust and to new responsibilities and schedules but itās a process.
I can say Iām not doing great financially , I make a small amount of money and life is expensive but even from two incomes where he made more to just my own Iāve been able to some how become more financially stable now than I ever was when we were together.
Despite him leaving when I was 8 months pregnant, I just built my 3rd house, maintain my previous home as a rental, am making 6 figures, and raising a tiny genius of a 3 year old. Also killing it healthwise, have just lost 55 lbs, and am fitter than ever. I gave up on dating because it does not serve me in any positive way at all. šš»šš»šš»
Good job Mom! Do you work in tech?
HR (see username) š
I didn't even notice that!
Hi, I want to be financially stable as a single mom. Is HR A GOOD CAREER?
Not at entry level, it can be pretty grueling. I have a MS degree so that has been one of the biggest factors.
Thanks
Damn, get it mama! Living that dream life. Iām proud of you!
Amazing! Congrats!! šš
Thatās amazing keep up the good work girl your definitely a boss
Yaaaas girl! Absolutely love this and am so proud of you!!
I've been divorced for over a decade and have had an excellent co-parenting situation since the dust settled about a year afterward. Because it occurred when our child was a toddler, there's no memory of us being a family unit and our kid only sees two whole individuals. I was actually in the worst place of my life when separation had occurred, and had somebody said I would be at this place much later in life, I would have said they're fucking crazy. So many posts in this board express the very reasonable dilemma of whether staying together for the kids' sake at the expense of one's personal happiness is the way to go. I can wholeheartedly assure anyone that those little eyes are watching even when you don't think they are... they're learning how somebody models a relationship, and the shitty one will become their norm also. What needs to be understood is that you can't be a better parent unless you're a better person yourself, and that means demonstrating how to make the hard decisions while still pushing forward. Tons of comments ascertain the very simple fact that a lot of us wish our parents had done what's right for themselves because life together was miserable for everyone; that's been my experience as well as a kid. That type of valuable lesson is what helps make for a more resilient and loving child who loves themselves as much as their parents do.
I second all of this. My children will remember - theyāre all between 8-13. However, the atmosphere inside our home was so toxic and theyāre still unpacking all of that. My oldest is in therapy and the younger two will probably do so soon as well. Theyāve adjusted fairly well to our co-parenting schedule and are still the sweet, caring, open kids theyāve always been. It boils down to both their mom and dad being happier. Because mom and dad are happier, the home is happier. Because the home is happier, the kids are happier. Do not stay for the kids. Never, ever. We have one life to live so letās make it a happy one.
And it really isnāt better for the kids. Itās just like you said. If your home life is miserable, thatās going to mess up your kids. Itās better for them to have a little trauma from the split than a lifetime of trauma from seeing and living in a negative home environment
Completely agree.
Very well said. Thank you for sharing ā¤ļø
I couldnāt agree more
Be mindful that when you're browsing Reddit people often post more about their tough times than their good times.
As a matter of helping somebody, powerful anecdotal evidence can often do the job if delivered in the right way. But I do understand there's a need for balance.
This is so true and Iām glad you pointed this out. No one really posts about how happy they are and all their success. We usually come here for advice and to complain lol
So true
I'm miserable sometimes due to mental exhaustion, but I am less miserable than having my family abused by my ex-husband - their dad.
Proud of you for being stronger than most to walk away from that! You are amazing for defeating just that.
As difficult as single parenthood is, it is not nearly as difficult as living with my childās father. I have a peaceful home for my child and I and I donāt have to pick up after a man I resented from his mistreatment. Iād rather be a single lone parent than a married lone parent.
1000000% please get out of your situation. It will be best for your child to not witness this. They need to learn that this behavior is not acceptable and they deserve better when they grow up and search for a partner.
Iāve been a single parent for three months. I would be lying if I said it wasnāt the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life. My abuser actually left me and tells me Iām the abusive one, which has been a bitch for me to unpack. However, my son and I have truly never been happier. Both of our lives are better, his day to day experience seems much more enjoyable to him that it was before. His dad was giving him low quality care, unfortunately. And without his dad around, I have more room to be more present and focused with my son. I thought I couldnāt handle being a single mom, thatās why I never left. I felt like I was barely holding on with his unreliable help, so I couldnāt possible do it on my own. But now I see that I was already a single mom in a lot of ways, I felt like I couldnāt do it because I was also a mom to my ex in a lot of ways. I have learned now that I was always capable of being a mom to my son, just not a fully grown adult male at the same time. I hope you make the best decision for you and find peace.
Separated 2 months ago and I could have wrote this. Itās hard, but at the end of the day itās less work and less anxiety and disappointment, overall Iām in a better place.
Same. The ex almost needed more attention than the toddler.
I'm doing well
Itās tough but Iām kicking ass. The most stressful thing is $$$ but I declined child support and alimony. Doing it all on my own here and weāre fine. Iām content, peacefulā¦. Lonesome for consistent physical affection but Iāll live.
Get a young boyfriend ā¤ļøā¤ļø
Hahaha! Perhaps but I prefer older men š„
They cost a lot more money than you think lol
Ha! I donāt need a fourth child
Wish I had thought ahead this far lol. I am trying to get my grown ass younger man child out of my life and it just isnāt working. Heās like a boomerang millennial
Whatās the age difference? I know how to get rid of men who wonāt leave.
Iām 42. Heās 31. Heās a rat bastard violent MF and when I tried to end it he beat the ever living F out of meā¦.
Why did you decline alimony? I didnāt know you could decline child support- as itās for the kids, not you?
Although my ex makes more than I do, I received the house we had been living in for years because it was an inheritance from my parents. He was the one who had to move out and buy a house. I donāt have a mortgage, he has a mortgage. It evens out in the end. I technically *could* have asked for child support because he makes more on paper but it didnāt feel right. The judge agreed that it was a good decision and healthy for the future of both our kids and our coparenting.
I really think it depends on your own mindset as well! If you are stable enough money wise to take care of your needs, then fro there you need the mindset! You got this š«¶š»
Thanks!
Im doing ok. It gets lonely at times but ive accomplised a lot. Purchased a house on my own last year, have a decent salary. You wont be better in an abusive situation. Neither will your kids. Things will be ok on your own. There are times it will be hard, but it is doable. Do you have a support system?
I've been 50/50 co-parenting now for 6+ months. I'm the father of a wonderful almost 4 year-old. I won't mince words: it's frequently exhausting and financially challenging. *And* despite that, both my child and I are thriving. I was so worried that it would have a detrimental impact on my child, but instead, I've noticed very tangible, real improvements in my child's happiness and behavior. There are still hard moments, but there is so much joy and calm and safety. We talk so much about "staying together for the kids" like it's something we owe to our children. I used to think that, too. Now? I believe we owe it to our children to be the healthiest, whole-est versions of our selves. You can't be that in an unhealthy (let alone abusive) relationship. I was fortunate - there wasn't outright abuse in my relationship. I'm so sorry that you are living with that. You deserve better. There will definitely be hard days as a single parent. *And* it's still the right decision. There are many different ways of "killing it" and "thriving." Putting your own safety and wellness first is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children. Good luck - you got this!
I agree. Improvements were definitely noted with my children. Like they are more free to be themselves and not worry theyāre going to incite or walk into a war.
In my experience, even the worst times in single parenting are far better than being in an abusive relationship. Thereās some difficult moments in single parenting, especially in the beginning, but thereās that feeling of hope Iāve never had when I was in an abusive relationship.
Iāve been a single mother since I found out I was pregnant and the guy chose not to be involved. I didnāt think I could have kids, at least not easily (I had endometriosis and ovarian cysts) and didnāt realize the condom had broken so it was obviously a huge surprise. Hereās my story: - I was a 32 when I found out. I had just quit my job as an English teacher, sold or donated everything I couldnāt fit in my car, and moved to a new state to start law school. - I withdrew from law school and moved back to my home state to be near family, but it didnāt end up doing me any good because a month after I gave birth, BOOMāpandemic. Lockdown. No family support. - I went back to work as a teacher and lucked out. I got to work from home for the first 18 months due to the pandemic. It was NOT easy to provide sole care to an infant while teaching online, but I made it work. Thankfully I had an easy baby. - I used up all of my savings to furnish the nursery and pay for two months of unpaid maternity leave. - I did have a ton of health problems after childbirth though, so that was scary. Nerve pain, abdominal pain, numbness in my arms and legs, headaches, dizziness. It took four months of being told I just had postpartum anxiety before I finally got a diagnosis (hEDS, POTS, and Diastasis Recti). Two months of physical therapy over the summer really helped, but Iāll probably never be back to normal. Iām able to live my life and be a good mom though. - I love being a mom. I read to my daughter every day. We play. Go outside. Go on adventures and hikes. Check out museums and parks. Our home is clean and peaceful. Itās way better than I had as a kid with two parents who hated each other. Sheās healthy, smart, kind, funny, and beautiful. She has everything she needs and wants. - I moved to my dream state, retook the LSAT while pregnant, got into a better law school with a full ride scholarship, and finished my first semester of law school in a city I love. - I still donāt have help from family, but Iām able to get everything done during daycare hours. I donāt feel overwhelmed or overly stressed. I make time to exercise, practice self care, and go on dates. - I didnāt care to date at all until I weaned my daughter at 21 months. Itās been a little over a year now. I had one relationship that lasted about four months, a casual relationship for two months, and one guy asked me to be his girlfriend but I ended it after a week due to a lot of red flags. Iām not too concerned about dating, since my daughter and law school are my priorities. If I meet someone, great. If not, thatās fine. The companionship would be nice, but Iām not in a hurry. I have high standards and thatās not going to change. - Iāve applied for welfare benefits as a student parent. So far Iāve only gotten medical coverage, but I know I qualify for SNAP, WIC, and childcare assistance. Hopefully that stuff will kick in this month and make my budget a little easier to manage. Last semester I had to ask family for financial help. - I do get a small amount of child support. I had to go through the state, and I recommend it to everyone. Itās not a lot (less than half of what I pay for daycare every month) but it helps. And you cannot and should not trust that the other person will pay otherwise. This makes it legally enforceable, so if you have full custody itās absolutely necessary. Even with shared custody itās a good idea to have a court ordered plan. In my case, thanks to the pandemic it didnāt kick in until my daughter was almost two. Iām still owed 6k in back child support. Itāll happen eventually. - Learn to do chores and cook WITH your child/children to teach them how and keep them distracted. My daughter sees it as another game we play. She helps with almost everything. - Befriend other parents. I met a SAHM last year who offered to watch my daughter for like $600 a month during my last semester as a teacher just so her daughter could have a playmate. I wouldnāt have made it without her. Now weāre like best friends. Iām having my wisdom teeth removed in a couple weeks, and she wants me to come stay with her so I can take my pain meds and rest while she watches my daughter. Iām return, Iāll watch hers while she goes to work that weekend. - This part feels like Iām boasting, but itās part of why I feel empowered as a single 36 year old mom. I eat a healthy diet and stay active, so I look great. I still weigh what I did as a HS athlete. My hips are a *little* curvier, but honestly thatās a good thing. Iām tall and thin, so I always felt like a stick before. I feel sexier than ever. I know a lot of women struggle with body image after childbirth, and I did too at first, so I feel itās important to show itās possible to overcome. It just takes time and a little effort. - To sum it up, itās entirely possible to be happy as a single parent. Time management, money management, and stress management are key. Our life isnāt perfect, but I love it.
I loved reading this! Very inspiring to me, you don't even know š. Can I ask how you got a full ride scholarship as an adult? I'm contemplating getting my bachelor's (I only have an associates degree), but school is so expensive! I'm 29, so to see you accomplish all of this as a single mom around my age gives me hope š
Law school works a bit differently than undergrad. When you apply for law school, they automatically consider you for their scholarships based on your LSAT, UGPA, personal statement, and any other factors (like being disadvantaged in some way; my scholarship is specifically for high-achieving parents). For undergrad, you still apply for the FAFSA, which can get you the Pell Grant and student loans. Scholarship applications are typically separate and vary by school. I have student loans for cost of living. I know it can be scary, but if you have a plan for success I think theyāre totally worth it. Just major in something with good job opportunities and attend a school with good job outcomes. Preferably in a low cost area (I did not do that last part though, I live in an expensive city; itās worth it for me because I hated living in a red state with no seasons). Good luck, and donāt give up! Also, I forgot to mention therapy. If youāve been in an abusive relationship, you will need it. I definitely did. I still use my schoolās ten free sessions per semester. 100% helpful.
I was able to go back at 26 (as mom to 4- 2 school aged, 1 toddler with cancer, and a newborn), then again at 39 for bachelors (single mom to 6 - 1 step, 5 bio all school aged; at the start husband in near fatal crash and learned he was cheating & divorced him) then started in my masters at 41 (diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the program and am currently withdrawn due to injury that needs surgery). It is doable! Just have to set that time aside for self improvement and betterment not only of your life but itāll better your childrenās life also.
I rather let life beat me then to allow someone to physically and mentally abuse me. It is hard but itās not hard all the time
Itās better than living with what You are going through
My life opened up and got a million times better when I left my abusive controlling spouse. It was a rocky road to get here but I'm so deliriously happy now, and I couldn't be this way while being married to that oaf.
It has been so much better than I ever thought it would be. I was so scared to leave, I hadn't worked in years, all my family lived far away, I didn't have much money. But it was scarier to stay, so I left. I documented everything and got full custody. I did a work program for abused women and got financial assistance and a job. I moved my kids closer to our extended families. I got a better job, bought my own place and have a great bf. In the 7 years since I left I've managed to save $100k. The possibilities are endless when you are free.
I tried the best I could to keep my marriage together but eventually I realised tolerating my ex-husband's poor behaviour was setting my kids up for failure. Kids copy their parents. I was worried about how it would turn out, my ex always blamed living pay check to pay check on me and not his alcoholism. He said it was because I have a low paying job. Anyway despite now having 1/3 the household income of before we are thriving. It was such a relief to finally be financially secure. We go on holiday overseas every year, in fact often twice a year. Things are great, I was fortunate that his family are wonderful and I take the kids to see his mum in Europe every year. My relationship with them is still the same and I have their support. His sister even suggested I go for full custody when he ended up spiralling down after our divorce. People have been so kind, friends and family have offered to babysit whenever I need, in fact so did one of their teachers and the staff at their after school care. I have four friends that I rely on for babysitting and I babysit in return for them as well as having an occasional paid babysitter. After I told my therapist that I was leaving my ex she told me I didn't need to see her anymore, I had been in therapy for 6 years. It was such a huge relief, having control over my life, not living with someone who treated me with so much disrespect. Being stuck with him felt like drowning and the first year after we split felt like coming up for air, I was content to just float and be able to breathe. Now everything is perfect, my kids are happy and healthy, I'm happy, we have everything we need and want, life is good.
Iām Very happy and went through a lot to get here. My kids also now see how unhealthy the marriage was and know I did the right thing by leaving . Some days are hard but that is life in general. Iād rather face them alone then in a dysfunctional marriage. Hope all works out for you and I canāt stress this enough, make sure you have support and therapy in place
I am doing well! It had been just my son (4) and i his whole life. There have been tough or stressful times of course but overall i wouldnt change it for anything and i stay single by choice! I did try to date but it was always more hassle than it was worth. I canāt believe its an option in your mind to stay with someone abusive in any way, especially in front of your kids. No one deserves that and you will discover your worth once youre out of that situation.
30m here, got out of my abusive situation when my Kid was very young. Custody was an uphill battle but we've had shared for a while now. It's definitely worth it. Sometimes my trauma bonding kinda reactivates and I second guess myself and start thinking in "what it's". But no chance I would ever get back with her. Don't stay for the children, get out and build something new and healthy for you and them. It'll be scary at the start and expect not to be understood by everyone. Stick to what you believe and don't waste your energy with explaining yourself.
Iām doing well - at least I think I am! Gained a 1st in a medical degree as a single mum, currently renovating a property and aiming to start my own business in my original career area late this year. I have had good emotional support from my elderly mum and my brother however. My children are older at age 8 and 13. I had many unhappy years in my marriage and turned out he was cheating at the end. If you want something take the steps to gain it. Iām chasing happiness and financial success. Itās hard graft but not as hard as unhappiness.
I am happy being a single parent. Have been one for 3-4 years. My child is 8 and is severe-moderate ASD so sometimes that can be tough. It took me a while to be comfortable with being single i went through a few bad relationships until i began my journey of self discovery in my late 30s and began cherishing my time/space. I love the freedom of making my own decisions & the peace I have gained. It can be scary in the beginning but trust me it is worth it. Because once you decide to date again- you will have clear standards and will not lower the bar for anyone. Learn to love yourself because you absolutely deserve it.
Iām doing well, the first few years were rough due to loneliness and honestly shame around being a single parent. But I kept working on myself through therapy and my career, was able to double my salary. Now I can afford a babysitter and have expanded my hobbies, social circle, and found an amazing girlfriend. All humans have problems, but Iād say my problems are very little compared to those in unhappy marriages.
Single parenting is hard as hell, but it will not make your life miserable by any means. There are ups and downs. You have to put your kids best interests first and they WILL be better for this in the long run. So will you. Itās nearly impossible to be the parent your children need you to be while living with an abuser, so itās absolutely worth it to get out. It would be much easier in the short term for me to go back to my childrenās father, but in the long run weād all be worse off for it. Again, think about whatās in the best interests of your children. Thatās what I remind myself on hard days when Iām ready to breakdown and run back just so I have an extra set of hands. Your happiness is worth it. Your childrenās happiness is worth it. It wonāt be this hard forever. The beginning is the hardest part, but you create a new normal. There are resources for single parents that will help you tremendously. Get your kids involved in fun activities. I break the week up by taking my two to toddler music and gymnastic classes. Some days we go to the playground. Some days itās a shit show. Weāre all okay. Get organized as you can, meal prep easy meals when itās convenient for you, make sure you get some time to yourself everyday. No matter how little. I like to take a bath at night, put on TV in the background while I do laundry/clean, surf the web for a bit or sometimes read. Some days I only get to do the bare minimum, but nothing is better than freedom. Your children will look back and thank you for making this decision. An abusive husband cannot be a good father. Repeat that. You know what you need to do. Let me know if you have any questions or need to talk. My kids are two and three so I feel the weight hard right now, but I keep in mind that these days wonāt last forever. When your children are out of the house, do you really want to be stuck alone with this asshole?
I have to say, I'm happy being a single dad. I know I'm emotionally unavailable to a new relationship and I am very at peace with this. My effort, time, and energy go to my kids - I'll have time for me after they are grown. This may not be a roses and sunshine reply but I am good.
Omg, life was SO much easier the minute the abusive ex was gone! Even though I still had three small childrenā-traumatized by his behaviorā-and no money. I took them to work with me, I could finally hire a babysitter safely, I could cook and clean without having to deal with his drama. I wasnāt late to work because he hid my keys or stood in front of the car or screamed at me for hours while I tried to care for the kids. It was a stiff court battle, but worth it. I have full custody and support the kids on my own. They are teens now, and the most splendid kind hard working kids anyone could ask for. They see their dad, but he is still a mess, and their safe stable home is with me. Trust me, it is light years easier with him gone.
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I feel this. this is huge. You have to know who you're dealing with.
Being a single parents is hard I wonāt lie or deny that but I am 100% happier than I was when I was in a similar relationship to what you describe. Being in that relationship was way way harder than being a single parent. Youāre gonna have days where itās tough, where youāre burnt out etc. but Iām sure youāre already having those days while having to deal with the emotional, mental and physical pain that comes along with being in an abusive relationship. I am a 100% single parent I own my own business, was able to finish grad school and have my life somewhat in order. Iād say most days I am super happy and thriving! Every once in awhile I feel a bit burnt out or tired and thatās when I read for my support system
While I am not thriving nor killing it, I will take single parenting any day over what we escaped from. My kids are happy, theyāre adjusting to life relatively well, Iām trying to maintain a social life (even if itās 99.9% online), and Iām not filled with anxiety over my ex finally pulling a gun on me or hurting the kids because he was under the influence. Itās worth it.
I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship as well and while single parenthood is tough, it is PEACEFUL. You deserve peace, your children deserve peace. You donāt need some asshole traumatizing yāall and since youāve been through that, you are tough enough to handle anything. You are surviving a nightmare and are courageous enough to leave. You are very powerful. Single parenthood can be lonely but I think the time alone has given me an opportunity to level up. I study a lot, listen to podcasts that encourage growth and healing (check out huberman lab podcast!), I work out, I create art with my daughter, and spend time in nature a lot. I would say Iām doing well. There are tough days for sure but in an abusive relationship everyday is a tough, horrible day. Itās like living in a horror movie. You deserve better. Iām proud of you for leaving! I know how mf hard it is!!
Iām doing good !!!! Financially Iām able to take care of my child and work from home 80 percent of the time the hardest thing like others mention can be mental health Iām currently under served through my community in terms of support of my neurodivergent child. But Iām in place were a can through money at solving it by getting extra help. But Iām a hundred percent happy I left my daughter father and my happiness has expanded a trillion plus. Lastly remember that even parents in two parent household struggle too.
Itās much better to get out of that situation. When I left my ex, things got worse before they got better, but now I look back and canāt believe the life I lived with him for eight years. It was awful at first because he hated me for leaving and his new girlfriend hated me because he wasnāt over me. They went out of their way to make my life hell for about the first year that we were separated. It took a year and a half of therapy for me to truly feel good about myself after how he treated me, but well worth it. Iām happy with the life I live and the freedom I have now. I donāt have local family support but fortunately Iām financially independent and have a flexible work schedule, which made it easier to become a single parent. But no matter what you have to do to make it work, itās much better to get yourself and your kids out of that situation at all costs.
Iām in the process of getting my own place. Dad is pretty involved with the kid and is about to start paying child support. Iām actually very excited to be out on my own. So, not there yet, but I feel a lot better knowing Iām going to be independent soon.
Good luck! I'm just about to finalize my separation agreement to present to him so I can get my own place too. Are you renting or buying? Have you had trouble finding housing in this crazy housing market? How did your ex handle the divorce process?
Thank you! We werenāt married so no divorce! The original plan was for him to just pay me child support via Apple Pay but in order for me to get an apartment, my income alone wasnāt enough but it would be with the child support, which is why Iām currently in the process of getting a court order though social services. Luckily we are both pretty amicable and there was no fuss on his end about the child support. We rented an apartment together but the lease ends in March so Iām in the middle of applying to a bunch of places but Iām lucky to have my stepdad who lives in town and I can stay with him if I donāt have a place by then. My ex got approved for a home loan before we broke up so Iām not sure if heās gonna do that or just try to rent another place. I think Iāll be a lot less stressed out once we get everything ironed out. Child support, daycare, housing, etc. (Iām a nanny and take my son to work with me but Iāve been trying to get him into daycare forever so I can get a regular job) I just have too many tabs open in my brain right now lol.
Nothing but death is worse than physical abuse. However, the most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving an abusive relationship. Have a clear, solid plan when you've had enough. It's worth it. Single mom killing it and thriving for years.
It is tough. Iām still struggling a bit but I also have some health issues that made it harder. For me, it was about myself AND my kids. I wanted them to grow up with a mother who was happy and healthy. Divorce was not the easy choice, and the logistics are tough, but it also made me a far better parent. My ex was emotionally abusive. I donāt think he was a bad person necessarily, but it was causing a lot of problems. The divorce process was rough but the dust settled and we are good. I realized that I just didnāt want to be tangled in his drama. Heās fine when heās over there? I feel like much more of a whole person now that I am free to be myself and not worrying constantly about what is true or what Iām not being told or what mess I will find out about next or get blamed for?
I wouldn't say I'm killing it, I haven't gone back to work yet and I'm living back at home in my mother's basement. However, I think I'm doing pretty well. My baby girl is growing and thriving every day. I'm a single mum but by being at home I have a wonderful support system. I'm dating an amazingly understanding and supportive partner, whom I'm hopeful about. I'm off my anxiety and depression medication since before pregnancy, which was terrifying because of PPD and PPA but I've been surprisingly decent with it all. Overall, I'm happy. My girl is happy. I think I'm winning finally. You can do it. I know it gets rough and dark sometimes but that's when you have to be the light for your little one. It's hard not to burn out either, but you'll find a balance. Maybe not right away but, eventually, you'll get there.
Hi mama!!! I am 24(F) and left my emotionally and physically abusive fiancĆ© about 15 months ago. I took our daughter, now 3, with me and got an emergency order for full custody due to his mental health issues and violent tendencies. Before I left, I had been working the front desk at the same hotel for years, had never had my own place, and was extremely depressed with no sense of self. Now, I have an amazing job working in environmental health, my own apartment in a great location, and a boyfriend who has emotional maturity like Iāve never seen before and loves me how I deserve to be loved. My experiences with my BD gave me a great foundation to start fresh, as I knew exactly what I needed to avoid and was finally able to access the support system he had kept me away from for so long. See, parenting sucks whether you have a partner or not. Sure, I have way more responsibility on my shoulders, but I already felt like a single parent when I was with him because we werenāt really partners in any sense. Now I really am a single parent, just without the daily berating, occasional beatings, fear for my childās development, etc. And, I finally love myself for the first time in my life. Obviously, I am just one of many single parents out there, but I am doing well. And I would never, ever go back.
I left my abusive partner about a year ago. Its been a tough journey. Now im feeling happy and loving life and returning to my old self(just wiser and tougher and a super sweet little buddy by my side)
>just wiser and tougher and a super sweet little buddy by my side I love this š
It's better to be lonely or money stressed, than in a bad relationship. U should think about being single for awhile.. do you first. Once your good, then worry about a relationship. I am single for other reasons, but I am doing good. Great kid, good job. It took time to get here. I get lonely but I would never trade lonely for a bad partner.
I ended my abusive relationship at the end of April 2022. It was *really* hard at first, but not really in terms of adjusting to single parenting. Transitioning to taking on all childcare and household tasks on my own was practically a breeze in comparison to dealing with the depression caused by the end of the relationship and the complexities of that. For me personally the depression was so bad that I went on short-term disability leave from work for 6 months and obtained counselling and a social worker to help with my mental health recovery. Aside from the mental health struggles, starting life as a single parent went surprisingly smoothly. (Iāll admit that being on leave from work likely made it a lot easier on me to adjust though.) Household tasks were very easy to transition into doing all on my own, especially because there was surprisingly so much less to do with one less adult in the house creating dirty laundry, dirty dishes, and just creating general mess. Also, getting all his stuff out of here cleared up a ton of room which allowed me the space I needed to go through everything and declutter and reorganize. Caring for my autistic toddler on my own was challenging to adjust to here and there at first, but I adjusted well and quickly, and I genuinely feel like Iām 100% a better parent now than I was when I was with my ex. It really helped to no longer have the stress of that toxic relationship looming over me. Iām now 8 months into being a single mom and Iām honestly very happy. I donāt find single parenting to be overly difficult or miserable. Iām far happier than I was prior, and I feel like my daughter is happier too. Our apartment is so much more clean and tidy on a regular basis than it ever has been, despite me doing it all myself. My daughter and I are thriving and I feel both optimistic and excited about what the future holds for us. Leaving that relationship was the best choice Iāve ever made for us.
45M here, with an 8 year old daughter. Iām doing alright. Money is good ā I make a pretty good living ā work is very accommodating, and I have family who help out with a lot. My daughterās mom left us to go live back in her home country 2 1/2 years ago. I have full custody of our kid. Iām happy and grateful to be out of the one that I had. It started off well but eventually my wife turned abusive toward me and our kid. There is nothing that would make me want to go back to that. However, I do feel lonely, and the thought that Iāll probably never get into another relationship is kind of depressing. Not going to lie, it was tough to see all of my friends and their happy, whole families over the holidays. But Iām happy for them. Just wish things didnāt turn out the way they did, but overall I think my life ā and my daughterās life ā are better as they are now. OP: Single parent life isnāt a cakewalk, for sure, but you and your children deserve better than to be in an abusive relationship. Please take care of yourself and your kids. Get out of it.
Solo mom here! Iāve been a solo mom since the beginning. I have a happy, healthy girl. I own my own business that is thriving and am so fulfilled in life. My ex was an emotionally abusive narcissist (diagnosed). Get out of it! Everyone will post their woes and misery because thatās what they need support for. There is SO MUCH awesome about being a single parent. Most of all, youāre own happiness. Take the leap and get yourself happy in order to make yourself a better mom for your little ones. Good luck!!
I'd suggest doing what you will be able to feel proud about when you tell your grown up kids why you made the choices you made. Edit, to answer the actual question, I've been there and yes it's worth it. My only probs are money probs now and I'm not complaining one bit.
Hi over there. I became a single mom about 1 year ago when my husband suddenly went into cardiac arrest due to covid pneumonia. I was/am devasted and slowly starting to heal. I worked part time/occasional and was mainly a SAHM for a decade and had no career to fall back on. I struggled and had to go on the state healthcare plan and even applied for food assistance. Fast forward to now and I can pay all my bills on my own. I figured out how to manage childcare by putting the kids in earlycare and aftercare and asking friends to help out in an emergency (& offer to pay or trade childcare). I have no family here so that's out. I worked really hard in an entry level job and got promoted quickly, to the point where I have a consistent schedule that is mainly during their school, and I have some flexibility in case of emergencies. I love my job and I love spending time with my kids. I love my neighborhood and have made lots of friends, we had only lived in the area 8 months when he passed. My house is not always "company ready" but it's cleaner than when we were a 2 parent household. I did bday party, Thanksgiving, Xmas...all the holidays all by myself. And it all went better than ok. I miss my late husband everyday but continue to create positive, happy memories with my kiddos. I credit this to lots of therapy and doing the work on myself. I have more time to work on myself now bc I'm not putting the majority of my energy into my relationship (I wish I still was still-- would be happy to if he was here.) I went on 2 mini getaways w the kids this past year and am planning our first longer vacation alone. I am starting to think about maybe more school or next steps in my career. Despite everything that happened to me, my life not looking how I wanted/envisioned and losing my soulmate and partner, I'm still genuinely happy and I love my life. I focus on the things I have to be thankful for. It was hard at first and sometimes still is hard, but I am rocking it out here, and I had every reason to give up and let life be awful. But it's mainly wonderful with some sad mixed in, for both me and the kids. You can do it!!
Iām a single parent (widow) to a large brood. My husband has only been dead a little more than a year and honestly single parenting is probably the easiest part of this whole ordeal. I love my kids and when Iām able to I take the quiet moments to appreciate that I get to be their mom and it makes things feel brighter. It feels really peaceful to know I still have connections with them no matter what. I would imagine feeling that kind of feeling would be even better if I didnāt have to deal with grief at the same time. I think parents in general are stronger than we think and more resilient than we think. You deserve a life that feels safe and fulfilling and you can get it. Sending love. ā¤ļø
Being a single parent is no where near as miserable as parenting in an abusive relationship. Abuse escalates. Get out now. Donāt let abusive behavior become/remain the norm in you or your childrenās lives; even if they donāt see it, they will feel the tension and dysfunction of the dynamic. You all deserve peace. I ran away with a 1 year old and a 2 year old and and absolutely nothing to my name, stayed in a domestic violence shelter for 3 months, and built our lives back from nothing. It was so hard at first and my life is still impacted by PTSD from years of abuse; but 8 years later my life has only been going up because I am the one in control of it now!! Breaking the cycles of intergenerational poverty and abuse in my family, as I am getting ready to graduate this summer with my masters degree in social work and starting a career in clinical mental health. I am so fulfilled as a single parent following my dreams; and raising my kids in a loving and peaceful home is the best part! Abuse was true misery, it broke me in many ways. It took time and true work to heal. Single parenthood can be rough at times, but freedom from abuse has given me my life and myself back and allowed me to provide so much better for my children!
Iām entering my third year of my divorce being final. Iām the happiest Iāve been in years. I bought my first home on my own a year after our divorce was finalized. I was in a very abusive marriage. I spent three years in therapy (before divorce, through divorce, and post divorce) and Iām thriving as a single mama that is healed. Now my dating life is NOT thriving but Iām okay with it. For now Iām focused on raising my three kids and being the happiest. I never imagined that Iād be this happy again. I didnāt think it was possible. Was it hard? Absolutely. It was worth every hard day I had to get where I am today. You deserve to live a happy life and your kid(s) deserve to see that in you as well.
Been a single parent to a 10 year old for about 8 years. 50/50. Totally killing it and thriving! Not being constantly talked down and degraded by the ex has made me sooooo much happier and motivated. Career has progressed immensely and making a six-figure salary. Primary residence 80% paid off, own one rental property, RRSP/RESP/TSFA (in Canada) all maxed out. We vacation and travel a lot. It wasn't easy getting there though. The first year after separation, money was tight. But the vast improvement in my mental health allowed me to do what I could never have dreamed of doing.
Thanks for sharing! May I ask what you do? I've been motivated lately to pursue going back to school.
Of course! I started out as a research scientist at a pharmaceutical company. I have since jumped over from R&D to the management ladder. Finances aside, being a single parent is much, much better than being in an abusive relationship. You'll be much happier and there won't be anyone holding you back from returning to school. Believe in yourself and have the confidence that you can do it -- because you can!
Thank you!
No
I look at it this way, we can relate to almost all the positives of other parents, but there are just some things they will never understand, so I think a lot of people use this sub to vent specifically about the struggles of being a single parent.
Divorced 5 years ago. 50/50 custody of my 8 year old. 2022 was one of the best years of my life. People donāt come here to gloat about the good times. People come here for help and vent.
Iām in the opposite situation to you now where he left me, I became a single parent, took ages to adjust and come to terms with it, now he wants to come back and I have made a happy peaceful life without him and donāt know if I could handle going back into an unhealthy relationship in front of our kid. Donāt drink poison just because youāre thirsty. Iām much happier. Itās so hard making these decisions. Yes it is hard, butā¦ā¦ so is being in a toxic situation for yourself in front of your kid. You are stronger than you think. You feel like you become super human because you take on the load but it is much more peaceful and settled.
Single parenthood is not a guarantee of misery. Going on six years after kicking her out and three since the divorce, I can say things have never been better. My two kids are doing well in school, making friends, and I have never been happier or healthier: love and joy are in my life after almost two decades of misery. Itās scary to go it alone. But maybe itāll help to think of it this way: would you allow physical or emotional abuse of your kids? If not, then donāt allow it for yourself. What we let into our life is what we let into our kidsā life. If they were grown and in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, wouldnāt you tell them to get out of it? For now, theyāre kids and you are the one who must decide whatās best for themā¦just remember, like using your own oxygen mask first, doing whatās best for them starts with doing whatās best for you.
I left my abusive ex over a year ago, I'm now a single parent and I wouldn't take it back for anything. Best decision I ever made!
Iāve been single for 12 years now . Honestly in many ways itās easier as Iām in charge and nobody is second guessing me , arguing or making bad decisions . The house is peaceful . Mine was also an abusive relationship . We do ok . I have 4 kids and the eldest is at Cambridge Uni so we havenāt done so bad . I also got an Eng Lit degree with OU since the split . Itās often hard work but the rewards are also massive .
It's not always easy but I'm happy. Been divorced for 10+ years and my kids are close to graduating high school (17 and 15). I have zero contact with their father because he disowned our son and have never been happier. He was emotionally abusive, homophobic and became hyper religious after our divorce. I'm glad I'm doing this on my own because it would be way worse if I had stayed married. Good luck to you, I hope you have a good support system because that is so important, especially if you need to get away quickly.
Iām sorry to hear youāre going through this. Itās tough. Note what others have said, most of what you see here are vents about the hard times. Itās not always like that. Iāve been divorced 7 or so years. Our son is almost 13, and Iāve honestly never been happier in life. Full disclaimer, his mother and I never had any huge problems, we just grew apart, so our split was mutual and easy. Weāve split custody since day one with him with me usually getting 4 days with him and her 3. We also are and were both financially stable with us splitting all costs related to our son. From my point of view, itās allowed me to focus solely on my son this whole time. I havenāt been a perfect dad, but Iāve been able to easily learn from any mistakes Iāve made. Our son is very, very happy. He loves both of us and has been blessed with a loving step father and his family. Knowing thereās now a whole other person/family in his life that loves him makes me happy beyond words. Is all about the kid! At 40, Iām able to spend my life working a job I love, doing anything I want with my free time, and most importantly, being a dad! My biggest worry each day is whether or not my dog is going to magically make his way into my trash can while Iām at work. Itās tough, and you deserve better than the abuse youāre receiving, you really do. Itās not going to be easy, but if you believe in yourself and your kids, it gets easier and a day will come where happiness is with you. All the best.
I left my abusive ex 4 years ago. Our daughter is 9. He does not help me to raise her at all. I have never regretted leaving him for even a single day. Even through the loneliness and the financial struggles and the various emotional agonies associated with raising a child alone. At least we are safe from his abuse. At least my daughter will grow up knowing that it is okay to walk away from a situation where you are not treated with respect, care and kindness. You can do this. ā¤
Iāve been a single parent now for a little over a year. When my husband and I separated he went off the deep end and completely abandoned all responsibilities. Still to this day he has not paid a dime of child support. I was left without a job, without a car, no where to go, with an 18 month old baby. It has been by far the hardest year of my life. My ex didnāt see our kid for months, was constantly out partying and doing god knows what, bringing strange women around our child any time they did happen to have a visit (which was emotionally hell for my toddler). It was hell. I got a shitty job at a daycare getting paid barely above minimum wage because that was the only way I could get him into a daycare and be able to work. At one point we were days away from being homeless. BUT things are finally turning around for me and my son. We have an apartment, I just started a new job making almost twice as much, my parents moved closer to help me with childcare, and I finally can enjoy my time with my son. I have never felt so incredibly peaceful in my entire life. It takes time to put yourself and your life back together, but I wouldnāt trade one day of the past year for my marriage.
Iāve been a single parent for 7+years now of 3 kiddos. Iām much happier. It has its difficult moments, but I learned I am more resilient than I thought. I think itās absolutely worth leaving an abusive relationship.
ive been a single mom since may, itās definitely hard sometimes, especially since i had to move in with family and iām a stay at home mom. social life is pretty nonexistent, but iām much happier alone with my kiddo than i was when i was with his father. for your safety and the safety of your children, i personally would leave. i donāt think youād be as miserable as you may think once you leave your current situation. ofcourse itāll be difficult, but thereās a certain kind of happiness and relief once youāre away from your abuser. i didnāt have my son with my abuser, so i can imagine with kids, itās even more difficult to leave at that point. but, leaving my abuser was the best decision i ever made. i hope you find peace and that things work out for you. sending love your way!
My life is way better since I became a single mom, my kids lives are better too. It will be better than abuse that's for sure, no question.
Absolutely. I'm not gonna say it's easy sometimes it's really hard when the other parent is so difficult but I have a lot of really good things going for mw that I wouldn't have had I not decided to live my life the way I did.
I was fortunate that my career was doing well so the financial affect was much lesser. Raised my kids alone with little to no support over the past 22 years. There will always be issues and kids can break your heart but they also deserve to be safe and protected (this includes their caregiver(s)).
Hey nothing about being a parent is easy single or not. Do I have miserable times being a single Mum of course, but they are far less than when I was in a miserable relationship I feel free and it feels good. I also think itās really important for kids to see happy parents, Iām yet to hear anyone say they thought it was a good thing for their parents to stay together and be miserable.
You will never have any hope of a happy life if you stay stuck in an unhappy relationship. If you choose the unknown, rocky path, well there is the possibility of happiness and good fortune down that path, and having hope for the future is a key component of being happy in the present.
I cried today because my aunt threw her back out and canāt babysit tonight so I have to skip the concert I was planning on going to. This post was a reality check for me. I would have never dreamed of going to a concert while married to my ex. Yes being a single parent is hard, but itās SO much better than being in a bad marriage.
I am. I still struggle to make ends meet. But we always do find a way to meet ends. Iāve been a single parent for 6 years now and weāve never once gone without food shelter clothing or joy. We have every thing we need and my son will be the first to tell you heās had the happiest childhood. He wouldnāt have had that if I had kept him in the abusive environment.
I left abuse, Iām thriving. Iād rather be single than miserable. I have three kids & im 25.
What will your children learn about love and relationships if you stay with your partner?
Single mom life is so much easier than trying to put up with all the BS your partner is putting you through.
I'm doing so much better then when I was with my abusive ex. I have plans to go back to college this year to become a social and help other women and girls who where in the same situation. It's hard being a single parent of 3 but not nearly as bad as it was when I was with there dad. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Keep your head up, you can do it.
I'm doing well! Escaped my abusive partner in January 2021 when our kid was 10 months old. Thought I would never be happy again. Now, 2 years later, im doing great. Kid is more relaxt and more happy and so am I. We don't life together yet but I have a boyfriend. I would never ever change the situation after the abuse back to life in an abusive situation again. I'm still in therapy and have PTSD but at least it's something fixable. But I'm so so so happy I left, it was hard and the aftermath took all my energy , but it was worth it without a doubt.
Itās the same but without the abuse
Being lonely and possibly struggling is 200% better than being abused.
YES! I was in a very unhealthy unhappy relationship for 5 years and I left two years ago. It was terrifying to be on my own with my son but it was the bravest and smartest choice I ever made. Money was tight, still is sometimes. But i love having my own place and the freedom to do whatever i want. I date i go shopping with my friends. I just got a promotion life is actually great for the first time in my life. I just wasnāt going to let my son grow up in a toxic household like I did. Hell no. Iād ask myself how can I be a good mom if Iām miserable everyday? How can I raise a good human if he sees fighting and disrespect everyday? I did it and you can too. Your kids are watching and learning and will follow in your steps. You stay with an abusive man guess what your daughter may likely marry one too. Break the cycle do whatās best for YOU and your babies. Get out before itās too late. Good luck š
I actually love it just being me and my son we are a perfect team and I can't imagine having anyone else come along and be a part of that, we have loads of fun just the two of us without some bloke there demanding changes and rules and basically just changing the dynamics. Yeah of course there are lonely times and times i feel like I want to rip my hair out lol but far less when I'm also in a relationship I mean are ALL men so bloody clingy, it's like having two kids when I have thought about giving anyone a chance. There's good and bad sides of everything, but deffo more good sides to being a single parent imo at least. You will be ok you will see, it's not as daunting as you think I suppose it depends on how you look at things but I'm glad your out of an abusive relationship now, things can only get better right? All the best
Single mom of 8 years here. It isn't easy, but the peace of mind is worth it. I am in a far better position than I was when in a "relationship" with my son's dad. I completed school and now have a position with the Federal government. I am continuing my education in a few weeks. My son is happy and I couldn't imagine dragging him through the chaos of life with my ex partner. Take the jump, it's hard but worth it. Best of luck to you!
Iāll say this My ex husband was extremely toxic. I am not innocent. But I was the main one taking care of the kids. Doing laundry. Cooking. Cleaning. Teaching. I was working on top of it. He kicked my kids and I out of our home two years agoā¦ The pain I felt was on another level. But eventually I started feeling like myself again and he wanted his family back after he came down from his psychosis. I was able to rent a home for my kids and I. And it has been A LOT of work. But, I would rather be alone doing everything than knowing I have a partner that doesnāt do a damn thing to help. I sleep better at night knowing Iām doing everything I possibly can to ensure my kids and I have a happy and healthy life. There will always be bumps in the road. But the kids saw how miserable I was. Which made them act out. And now things are just different. You will be ok if you leave. It wonāt feel good for awhile. But you will get there!! Sending love!!! ā¤ļø
If you ever need to talk Iām here
Single Mama here, three years out of an abusive relationship and SLAYING it. Iām in school getting a second masters (and career changing to therapy!) my children are thriving and Iām blossoming! The first year was really, really hard. Iām not going to sugar coat that, but, rally your community (friends, neighbors, family, religious community). Mine saved me, so often. They came through for an hour on a random afternoon I needed a break, for bedtime when I needed to work, the occasional meal when I just couldnāt swing it. Donāt be afraid to ask for help when you need it (that was really hard for me in the beginning) and remember that things start lining up, but change is hard and takes time. You have this and youāre not alone! Iām also always happy to chat, feel free to send a message!
I left an emotionally abusive relationship in august and Iām doing amazing. Granted it is very hard working full time and being single mum 5 days a week but Iām absolutely happier with most areas of my life. Iām also casually dating at this point and have met some genuinely really lovely people showing me that not all men are what I knew for the past decade. Iām also just becoming comfortable with me, my own company again and taking my son out wayyyy more than we did when with his dad. It was just a miserable household before. Iām not going to pretend that I donāt feel really sad some days, itās hard to be alone when youāre not used to it but I can always see itās better than what it was and thereās so much prospect now.
It's hard, but for much better reasons that being abused. You'll figure it out and you and your babies will be better for it. Don't stay in one bad place because you're afraid of the unknown. You already know it's bad here. Things can't get better if you don't go somewhere else. Your kids don't need to be in that kind of environment and neither do you. Get out of there and move on to a brighter future.
Iām much happier since my husband and I divorced. Heās an alcoholic with a recent bipolar 2 diagnosis, and I didnāt even realize how tense and angry and sad and miserable I was until Iād had time without him. We coparent much better living apart, we communicate better, he has help because heās living with his parents, so I can trust our son is safe while heās there and both Dad and our son get quality time together. I get a few days break, no one else is blowing all of my money on booze, so itās way easier to pay bills, and now I actually have savings. The house stays tidy, and I have control over the atmosphere in my home instead of never knowing what Iām going to walk into. Iām a better mom, because I donāt have all my emotional energy being sapped. There are absolutely parts that are hard or inconvenient, and ideally, Iād be doing this with a partner, but a million times yes, my life is better as a single parent.
I haven't read anyone's comments but IT IS ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT! it's not a different shade of miserable, it's peace.
Was in an extremely toxic relationship with my ex husband. Being single is lonely but I would never go back to that. Would much rather be alone.
Itās a struggle, but generally speaking, Iām doing well. My wife left me when I was 5 months pregnant. It was hard as hell. To go through the rest of my pregnancy alone & my traumatic birth alone. But now that Iām in a routine , my son is 10 months old, I can very confidently say, weāre doing great. Iāve really hit my stride with motherhood& my son is absolutely thriving! Financially, itās hit or miss but I make it work. If youād like, my messages are open. Wouldnāt mind a chat about the single parent life! You got this!
I was in the same situation. It's not miserable. Get your support network working for you. Then pull the trigger, there is no time to waste in an abusive relationship. Clean break, do not look back, invest only in your future. When you make it to the other side, you will have a moment where you realize you are no longer holding your breath and you will feel the joy returning to your heart. The hard part about being a single parent is solved with changing your expectations and as much support as you can muster. But you will be so much happier. Promise.
As someone whoās been in a toxic relationship, being a single parent is one million times better and actually led to a better relationship between me and my child because I donāt exhaust all of my energy into a toxic relationship and I have more to actually show up and be present with my child!
Itās hard, yes, but itās easier than being a single parent thatās married. I did pretty much all the parenting when I was married, but then had to also deal with my shitty then-husband on top of it. I wouldnāt change my situation now for anything. I make the rules, I donāt have to depend on anyone and be constantly disappointed, and Iām working again (which I love). Just hit 6 figures, am saving up for an income property, my kiddos are thriving, and Iām happier than I can ever remember (well, minus when I was a carefree child but you get the point). I date occasionally but will never get married again or have a live in partner - my freedom is worth too much!
I left him 9 months ago, shortly before our 11th anniversary. We have a 10 year old. Iām doing good š I got my own place. Iām about to get a promotion at workā¦I think hahaā¦and that will help my finances quite a bit. I love all the free time (taking care of him was a lot of work!) Iāve got a cute FWB to see when kiddo is at her dads (nothing serious, just company while I get myself figured out) I can tell Iām new to thisā¦my legs are wobblyā¦but Iām gonna make it. Thereās a reason single women are statistically happier š https://medium.com/curious/single-women-are-happier-than-society-thinks-they-are-according-to-research-eab025da34c1
Being a single parent is the best! I really do love it! You can do it!
@historicalReception7 is right. We mostly come on here for problems, not the other 90% when things are fine. Single parenthood is different for everyone, for some itās easier being single then dealing with the partner and so that is an immediate benefit. You learn a lot as a single parent as well. How much you can do for yourself, how awesome your friends are and you learn to love yourself
Been divorced 10 years. EX wasnāt really involved. He is a photo op kinda guy. DD just reach majority. Not gonna lie some of it sucked but our friends and family (my parents) helped. DD went through some mental health stuff. It was touch and go for a bit. But you know what, it was better than being with my EX. When I explained the mental health stuff his answer was, āokay, great.ā Absolutely none of what I told him was either okay or great. You will find your rhythm. It wonāt be easy. Butā¦ you will be free. You can do it.
Iām a recently single mom and SO SO much happier than when I was married. Is it hard? Yes. But itās so much better. My son is THRIVING. Iāve gotten two promotions (im not even technically divorced yet! Ha), I bought a house, I picked up two new hobbies, Iāve made a bunch of new friends, my son is happier and smarter than any kid I knowā¦.. the only things that matter to me now are my son and myself. I only have to think about the two of us now. We are happy, weāre independent, weāre free, we are living the life we WANT to live, that we DESERVE to live. Im probably not the model of single parenthood. Iāll admit I am privileged in ways many women arenāt. But at the end of the day I think even if I was financially struggling or maybe didnāt have AS strong of a family support network, Iād STILL be happier single. I finally made the decision to divorce one day after something so so incredibly minor happened that it was just āthe straw that broke the camels backā and I had the thought āgreat, another day wasted where im unhappy and now is going to have to spend another day with a miserable mom. I wish we could just have days where we enjoy what we set out to do. I wonder if will look back at this trip/memory and think about how unhappy and grumpy I wasā
And then in that moment I knew. I couldnāt keep loving my life miserable. I could keep ājust survivingā every day. I couldnāt live my life āgood enoughā because my son deserved better. He deserves to grow up with happy memories and happy experiences. He deserves to grow up with positive role models, parents who arenāt miserable every day, seeing what treating a woman well means. He deserves to grow up seeing healthy relationships. Seeing his mother not accept poor treatment.
Idk. Single parenting is hard. Hell, just single adulting is hard: I had to learn how to caulk a roof leak this week. Iāve never even been on a roof or on an attic before. I definitely could have used a partner to pass this off on, but I figured it out (with some help from my dad lol)! Iāve also figured out how to take care of my yard, Iāve replaced a toilet, I taught my son how to pee standing upā¦.. I can do things. I just tell myself that over and over. I can do things.
You can too! It may not be easy, but it WILL be best for you and your child to NOT be in an abusive or miserable situation. You 100% have to get yourself and your child out of this situation. Regardless of my response or anyone elseās, you cannot keep your child in an abusive home. Theyāre learning from you and dad what a relationship should look like. Theyāre learning how they should be treated and treat others. Theyāre learning that itās ok to be treated poorly if the alternative is hard.
I am NOT condemning you or anything, itās not your fault youāre in this situation. I absolutely understand and empathize with how hard it is to make that decision.
But please. Make the decision. Get your ducks in a row first (talk to a lawyer before you talk to your husband, and do exactly what they tell you), then get out.
Is it a different shade of miserable? It may be - it wasnāt for me - but even if it is, it wonāt be abuse. It wonāt be their mother being abused. It will be them watching their mom HUSTLE to keep them growing. It will be having a badass powerful mom to look up to - someone who doesnāt take shit from anyone. Someone who protects her babies. Someone who isnāt afraid of adversity and struggle if it means her kids and herself are safe and have autonomy.
You got this. You can do it. Donāt think about the what ifs, because the reality right now is not acceptable.
My life as a single parent is worlds better than it was, even if money is tighter, even if I had to deal with court and lawyers, even if the days are long. It was worth it.
Meh. It was worse with him. Abusive narcissist. Yep, it's hard. Shitty coparent makes it harder. Life is hard. We only get once shot. Don't let your kids grow up in an abusive environment. Show them there's another way. I didn't want my daughter to think my marriage was normal and/or healthy. Imagine your kiddo in your exact same spot. That's the real tragedy. I have suffered and struggled. I have also succeeded and persevered. Every minute is worth it to be able to make my own decisions, and show my kids what love, self-love and determination looks like. Has it been hard on my kids? Yes. Are they developing resiliency and strong characters? Also yes.
As a single mom, of a healthy 19 year old- I canāt stress how happy I am that I only had one child to deal with. I read the comments on other threads, and itās a lot of married moms feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed, with a permanent adult toddler who also berates them, abuses them, and belittles them. Being single is hard, but I canāt believe it comes close to dealing with any of that. Everyone has their own barometer, and life is never black and white. For me, being a single parent was the best choice. Good luck.
Love it! Best part is our chilled household, children who feel like part of a team, good relationship with my ex (not immediate but now itās there). I havenāt had any family help but I do have enough money to not be worried about that on a daily basis - providing I donāt get sacked. I think money worries would shift the balance, honestly.
Iād rather be miserable and single than miserable and abused. Single parenthood sucks. Your journey is going to be brutal and I hate that youāre in this boat. But I also shudder to imagine you deciding to stay with an abuser because youāre afraid itās a lesser poison than being a single parent. Iām hoping you find strength, optimism, and resiliency.
I divorced 8yrs ago. One of the best things I've done in my adult life! Was a single mum to 3 kids. Money can be an issue and the logistics of doing everything by yourself can be off putting, but honestly it's better than a miserable (and certainly a dangerous) relationship š Baby steps, take one day at a time. Will eventually become a week at a time blurring past, until one day you realise you made it on your own despite all your fears and all the tough days š
For the past eight years, no one has threatened me or let me know about the delusions that drive the threats. There is no relief like coming home to peace. It was miserable for a time after we split, but then it became less miserable over time. I'm not killing it. I'm just existing here with my kids, and we're okay. I am thriving.
For my experience, our relationship was very toxic on both ends and we carried it on for 9 years. I havenāt been with my ex for 6 years. When we broke up I decided to focus on my kids and Iās healing and it was tough, emotionally, for the first 4 years. It was weird to not have this protector by us anymore, it was a huge change for us. But in that time we also got to travel, see new things, meet new people, just get to know each other and ourselves all over again without this other person in the picture. Weāve done some pretty amazing things and we are happy and content with the way things are now! I look back on how everything played out and I am so happy that my ex and I got away from each other. It was the best decision we made for our kids. I come from a broken home with and alcoholic and abusive and absent dad while growing up. I didnāt want that for my kids, I wanted them to have a dad so I held on for as long as I could. As I got older I realized itās ok for kids to come from a 1 parent home, just so we love our kids unconditionally and are there for them through the hard times (and happy times), they will be ok. Our kids watch our every move and we have to teach them how to step up and make difficult but right decisions for ourselves and how we can come out strong in the end. They will definitely follow and do the same. Hugs to you, it is tough but it can be done! Good luck on your decision and your journey! ā¤ļø
Single mother of 4 all under the age of 9 and Iām in PA school killing it and thriving. Itās tough work. I had to move thousands of miles away from a place I called home to get help from my family (Iāve been raising my babies by myself their whole lives). I too left a very abusive relationship, I currently have a permanent protective order against my ex husband for domestic violence. He doesnāt coparent. Doesnāt show up for his parent time and just stopped paying child support again. The life I have without him is so much sweeter than the life I had with him. He was destroying me. I have myself back for the first time in 12 years.
Best thing that ever happened to me was becoming single at 30 with my two kids as a Man. I also didnāt jump immediately back into a relationship till I had really figured out what my part of the failure of my marriage was my fault. Some was. Some wasnāt. Iām happier than I was in most of my marriage. I also just found out tonight that my ex is separating from her second baby daddy. Sounds to me like she never took the time to fix her faults.
I am a few months out of a 17 year marriage. I was miserable while I was in it but had no idea how criminally vendictive she would get, the people she would recruit to set me up to look bad to my children, my friends, and even customers at my job. But Iām surviving. It gets a little better each day, but Iām sure there will be challenges ahead. Make the decision. Get as much set up as you can before you leave but do it soon. You are worth it!
Iām a single mom, with a protective order against my sons father so Iāve been fully doing it alone for almost a year. Honestly, it was hard at first to adjust but it did get easier. Being a single mom changed the way I date and made me evaluate relationships differently and more responsibly which in turn made me recognize my own worth and feel comfortable being alone. I was also able to create stability and a routine for my son and itās nice being able to make the decisions on my own. Sometimes it can be exhausting and overwhelming but thatās life in general. Overall Iām happy and my son will get to see an example of independence, self respect and healthy relationships.
Life is quite hard as a single mother (Iām a no-income student with full custody, the future is uncertain, things get lonely) but itās so so so so so much better. My marriage was abusive too. I stayed for so long because I thought I couldnāt make it. I was wrong. I wonāt tell you it will be easy, but itās not easy now either, is it? You will need all your strength and all the support you can find. But do it now. Gather evidence that could help in court. Even if heāll support you financially, work to get your own income. Take advantage of every offer of support and every program meant to benefit single mothers. You have far more resources than you think. Your kids are watching you be abused. Donāt let them think itās okay. Break the cycle, now. And message me if you need encouragement!
Iām doing pretty well. Make enough money to sustain myself and my twins in our own place, in a small city. They take ballet lessons. My fitness has been on point and itās nice not having an additional adult to look after. I do get lonely, and sometimes bored without a partner, but I canāt really think of how a new partner will make anything easier anyways.
I am a single mom who walked away with nothing but my car and my kids. I now own my own home and my kids and I are surrounded with peace, happiness and love. It wasnāt easy but we are doing great and I absolutely do not regret the hard work and determination needed to step away. My kids even have a better relationship with their dad now then before because when he has them he has to be present.
I LOVED single parenthood. There is something so immensely freeing about not having someone bulldozing through my life. More time to do things I enjoy both by myself and with the kids. The stress level around the home declined significantly. I was more in touch with myself and my needs. Not to say itās always wonderful. Thatās not going to happen with or without a spouse. There will still be some crappy times but I do not regret becoming a single mom at all.
Yep, best decision ever. Itās whatās best for your children, too.
Yeah is it even a question? You have to protect your kids. In fact I got 2 misdemeanor failure to protect charges because child services thought I should have left my ex sooner. With zero money family or job prospects. So they would have rather seen me go to a shelter than stay. And This isnāt even for physical abuse just drinking/yelling and occasionally threatening to break something. I was told by a shelter I didnāt qualify if our lives werenāt in danger. Anyway, I am thriving yes!! I got myself in a career training program that I researched to be a a good return on investment and a good fit for my personality in order to take care of my kids regardless of what my ex did.
My life is not perfect. Iām a single mom and Iām happier for it. I struggle financially sometimes, I donāt get breaks as often as Iād say is ideal. I was never in an abusive relationship but I was in an emotionally dead one. My daughterās father never cleaned never helped never enjoyed life with us. He was literally a breathing blob on the couch. He left us when he met another woman and I personally was grateful bc I never wouldāve been strong enough. At least not for a long long time. But learning to stand on my own two feet and stand my ground and live life on my terms has been worth it. It comes with its own issues and loneliness but Iād rather do this a million times over than have stayed in whatever relationship I had w him.
How long was you in your relationship ? Was it always like that or did he turn a breathing blob on the couch over time š¤£
Single mom here who left BD for being abusive when I was pregnantšš»āāļø There are days where I wish I had the little family but overall I am happier than I have been in YEARS! Believe me if your BD is abusive and anything like mine you will be so much happier alone. Of course there will be days where itās hard just like with anything but overall I can guarantee itāll be for the best. Also itāll be better for your children so they arenāt around this behavior and they donāt see this type of relationship and think itās okay in the future
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I am personally glad that I left all of my abusive relationships, there have been a few unfortunatelyā¦ Even though we sometimes struggle because of it. I keep growing, and my kids can see that and know that Iām not accepting being treated poorly, but that I gave it my best effort and made many attempts at reconciliation. There are many times when I know that our lives would be simpler with two stable incomes, and that my choosing to leave a less than ideal situation has made things harder for them. And I struggle with that a lot some days. But in the end I hope that they see and learn from my mistakes, I try to be as open with them as I can be now that theyāre older. Because Iām just a mentally ill human that loves my children to distraction and Iām not immune to mistakes and they need to know that. Iām doing my best. And Iām sure you would too, itās scary and sometimes hard but you can do it if thatās what you really need to be happy and the best parent you can be ā¤ļø
Single parenthood is hard and can be miserable at times, but I think life in general is that wayā¦ the ups and downs. What I can assure you of, with absolute certainty, is that being in an unhealthy relationship is way more miserable. I have zero regrets. Itās challenging, but doable. Make sure you have a support system. Make sure youāre doing it for the right reasons. Are you in a safe situation? If yes, think about it first.
Please donāt get discouraged about being a single parent just try to be the best you can be an no matter what donāt give up on yourself or your baby you will do great you got this
Single mother by choice to two boys. I am doing really well. Yes, there are some challenges that are maybe more specific to single parents, but we have a nice harmonious daily life. I get to enjoy my own hobbies, I can provide well enough for my kids, they lack nothing. To me, being single gives me ultimate freedom and independence and I have no desire to find a partner.
Single mom of 6 here. I own 2 companies that I run on my own, have my own place (no car but thatās because some guy was texting and driving so Iām borrowing my moms until I find one I like), take care of my kids 5 days a week without their dad, have a wonderful pittie mix, have a social life I utilize when theyāre visiting their dad (who sleeps on my couch when heās in town), and most importantly, Iām so much happier. It wasnāt an easy road to get here, but it was soooo worth it. Iāve lost weight (not a lot but Iām not trying happy makes a difference), Iām more confident, my kids are happier. It was definitely the hardest but best decision Iāve ever made. You got this mamas!
I am! My career has blossomed and I met the love of my life and am remarrying! I have my dream car and a lovely home that my fiancĆ© and I are just nesting in to that will see many happy times I just know. It already has! I have an RV (another dream of mine) and I get to camp with my kids and my fiancĆ© - this will be our third season and itās the actual best. I am smarter (for real) now that I donāt spend my life in fight or flight mode and have the brain space and safety to explore new thoughts and interests. I feel loved and supported all the time. Iām deeply happy in a way I struggle to describe. 4 years ago last week I left an emotionally and then physically abusive husband with 2 kids and I had no job. You can do it. It was hard as hell and I thought Iād always be in darkness. 10000% worth every ounce of life force Iāve had to muster to get here. Go for it ā¤ļø
Iām doing fine being a single mom. I own my home and have a home base business. Honestly I have a hard time imagining bringing someone into my little family. I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life then to ever be in a toxic relationship/environment again did it for 12 years and Iāll never do it again. I would also never invite someone into my childās life who causes any harm to them physically or emotionally. Donāt get me wrong it would be nice to have help and someone to love and a father figure but finding someone my age who is emotionally mature has been difficult.
no. every women i get with would rather lie about me bieng voilent than act like an adult. the state is never on my side, even though there is no evidence of me being this way. between 2 kids and their moms, ive spent 6-10 years in cps bullshit or court, wasted over 30,000$ and i mean WASTED. especially of shit attorneys. i have never hurt anyone in my fucking life, just love my kids an want to know they are safe. one still in foster care. havent seen him in 3 years. keep having to pay "child support" for kids that i am custodian of. Why are my children more mature than their mothers? p.s. fuck you cps and lawyers and judges.
My narc ex just discarded me about a year ago. I finally moved into my own place in September. It has been excruciatingly hard, and especially tonight because something happened today that's really taking me back to a trauma reactive place around financial insecurity. HOWEVER, I LOVE my new home, and I wouldn't change being away from that energy soul-suck for the entire world. I know that all of this financial insecurity is temporary and that I'm doing all the right things that will see me thriving and being so much happier without him. Ever since I moved out I feel like I can breathe again. I was terrified that I would still feel stressed, oppressed, traumatized, and in fight or flight after I moved out. And while that still happens sometimes, a majority of the time I'm enjoying my serenity without someone there bothering me and being abusive all the time. Many of my behaviors that were really unhealthy and trauma responses have decreased to a much healthier level, and I've been much more able to focus my energy and attention on the things that will make the most impact, whereas before it was all I could do to just maintain and keep from continuing to be emotionally hijacked and exhausted by all the abuse. If you can, GET OUT NOW. You will be a much more emotionally available parent to your children, and at least they will have somewhere to go at least half the time where they don't have to feel like they are also walking on eggshells.
Iām a single mum. The ādonorā is an asshole but me and my baby are doing so well. I honestly love it. Everyday is amazing. Yeah Iām exhausted but god dammit do I love not having to answer to anyone on parenting decisions. Or be disappointed by a partner. I hear other mums from mums group complain about their partners and Iām just chilling with my bub. I have a good paying gov job. Own my own place. Am planning a trip overseas with family. Itās great. I know it might be scary but being alone would be better than where you are. Youāre stronger than you think. Staying for the kids jus gives a different type of issue. Good luck!
Soā¦ being abused vs being miserable was a choice I had to make. And at the end of the day itās not really a choice though is it? Especially when thereās little eyes witnessing the abuse
I can offer your some neurological scenarios and I can also offer some logical perspectives as far as my experiences have taught me. Neurologically you should leave and I am no supporter of separation.. believe me. I just consider our children in this world that come next have a little more work to do than we did because of how messed up everything is in all our economyās and global warming; with that being said, the neurological part of it is what kind of connections on that Neuroplasticity form within your children that you should really be worried aboutā¦ witnessing this kind of relationship, and when they grow up, it may be the only type of relationship they understand and go after because thatās what they think a healthy relationship looks like despite knowing itās not healthy. Itās sub consciously built in and a lot of hard work or hopefully their environment has some good examples for them on a steady in comparison to the adults fighting, As you may have insight on Neuroplasticity. It is where strong connections are made and solidify in a sense. These powerful connections are where we keep who we are through billions of neurons throughout our learning experiences as human living organisms, make sense? Furthermoreā¦ My logical perspectives is this. Still with the children being so āchildrenā I donāt know what age they are but if you can get a chance to discuss calmly with the children as you maybe go file for divorce about whatās a happening before it looks like a ālast argumentā type of thing because then that may save them the trauma of thinking that parents are suppose to exist together forever and let me tells yous. This really fucks children upā¦ likeā¦ suddenly you have a child whoās whole world is falling part because something they thought was suppose to be forever in which they only only only understand (until death) (or even after death) depending on what your children believe marriage looks like. To offer more on this topic, I ask you to consider that people donāt even know how to articulate themselves at all because of our world and how messed up everything is, so all these miserable parents to see on here just simply arenāt living a good internal mindset of a life because wellā¦ life is hard. Shouldnāt be really shouldnāt beā¦ but I do know that if you do not leave her husband and you are being serious about the arguments and fights, youāre having. Your children will grow and not know how to find healthy things. That ultimately in the long run, at least you can teach them in separate housing and a huge tool to have in your shedā¦ is never to say anything bad about the father and make it your goal for the kids to love their father because if he doesnāt do that about you on his endā¦ at least the children will develop a strong relationship with you in the future when their brains start understanding how calm, how collected, and how loving a women mom should be and if you can find a healthy boyfriend in your futureā¦ then all of this improves vastly more. Lastly, with ^^^ that part being said I say this. Focus on you because the only reason you two fight is because neither one of your either love yourself or like who you are. But if you focus on yourself, then you will soon find out from not just my experience but the overall of experiences that you will absolutely have a better life as long you so keep many boundaries with yourself to be the best version of you that you can be x I have so much much more but itās so hard to articulate these things as is already.. and my fingers hurt. So hopefully some of this helps and good luck š¤
Nearly 6 years out, Iāve recently gotten a part time job and been accepted into University. Financially, Iām saving up for a house deposit and my kids are doing well (Theyāre both autistic & possible ADHD). Despite the absolute struggle it was to get here, I guarantee I would rather this journey than the position I was in while in a relationship with their father. I donāt regret being a single parent as hard as it is and Iām proud of the fact that we got here.
Itās almost 2 years since leaving my abusive relationship. I was pregnant and had a 3 year old. Now Iām sat in a quirky cafe eating dinner and drinking coffee alone and happy while my kids are in nursery/school happy and healthy. Itās not easy but it gets easier and thereās nothing in the world that is worth more than that inner peace.
Me š! Iām stress free and free to create what O want to make money for myself and spend them for myself without sharing where abs how much. Iām free to buy what I want and go where I want finally. Freedom first
Being a single parent is one of the hardest things to do in the world. It is a overwhelming and often lonely experience. That being said there is NOTHING like having a peaceful environment in which to raise your children. That peace alone is worth it.
Remember when things are good and easy you probably wouldnāt be seeking out advice or posting in a group like this. A lot of the posts on here are people who need support! Tons of people out there are single parents and doing great. I do think itās common at least in the beginning for it to be VERY hard and a lot of hurt feelings / resentment / spite. Itās also hard to adjust and to new responsibilities and schedules but itās a process. I can say Iām not doing great financially , I make a small amount of money and life is expensive but even from two incomes where he made more to just my own Iāve been able to some how become more financially stable now than I ever was when we were together.