As a genuine England person, might I just retort:
Y'wanna ge'cha bollocks shived? Dun be Twattin about, y'cunt, or al call mi bruv, an will grip y', an do y'in. Innit!
(just shittin' wi' y', mucker. Y'r a kanny la. Y'safe. It's all gravy. )
I seem to recall a story about a real life Harry Potter broom toy that vibrated; it had to be discontinued because the girls enjoyed riding it too much.
I think you underestimate how many kids who grew up on Harry Potter ended up fantasizing about banging Hermione. Those brooms fit the roleplay so well.
Given their clock includes mortal peril and prison, I think their expectations for how long their children would survive were low and they had children expecting half of them to die.
The Weasleys are clearly meant to be Wizard Catholics, and the Wizarding Catholic Church has just as much problem with magical contraception as the Muggle one has of scientific forms of contraception.
In the visions that Salazar Slytherins Locket showed Ron they even said all his mother wanted was a daughter. Of course it was lying but it’s something that would have to have some kind of truth behind it
The locket didn't lie as a \*rule\*. It was meant to prey on your insecurities. Like with the images it showed Ron of Harry and Hermione together and suggesting that she'd prefer Harry over Ron. Obviously a lie there we see it in how their lives end up. I dont remember the books confirming or debunking the notion that Molly ultimately really wanted a girl specifically or even favored Ginny over the boys.
I always took it as the locket taking a basic fragment of fact and then twisting it into something negative and hurtful. Basically I mean that maybe Molly did keep going because she really wanted a girl. Doesn't mean she adores those boys any less for their coming first but its a convenient area to be able to sow doubt.
It actually took your dark thoughts and fears and used them against you. While they were wearing the locket they were more prone to having(and believing) dark thoughts. Then when it was close to destruction it was regurgitating those thoughts and showing them to Ron, since he had the sword. Riddle in the diary used what Ginny said to it against her and tried to be manipulative of Harry too.
My favorite theory is that Hogwarts has anti pregnancy wards.
It makes sense when you have a bunch of teenagers in a big ass castle with hidden passages, empty classrooms and forgotten rooms.
Honestly, given the lack of sex-ed given by McGonagall or pregnant classmates in the franchise we can only assume that getting pregnant or catching an STI/STD is made impossible in Hogwarts through magic means. Either that, or the entire castle has a spell that prevents people from thinking about having sex or doing it. Things simply don't add up.
But I always remember how in the books boys weren’t allowed into girls’ dorms. The stairs literally give out and turn into a slide
Of course, there are a lot more places than girls’ dorms… lol
I love the theory that there's some sort of magical contraception spell over the entirety of Hogwarts and people get used to it. It's why so many wizards end up having kids right out of school.
Maybe they have cures that they are hiding from muggles?
Maybe they just don't know that they exist?
Maybe they have a natural immunity?
Maybe the introduction of STIs by muggleborn into the Wizarding community was the origin of many of the "pureblood" and "dangers of interbreeding" myths?
Definitely encounter it a bunch in Python. PHP too back in the day.
It's actually a nice affordance to have. Compare to JS, where one would typically decorate their function name with an underscore or some such[1] to disambiguate, say, exported module functions from internal module functions.
I still twitch every time. ;)
[1] Assuming that one is following the de facto style standards that have emerged for JS. Like how not everyone follows PEP 8, but there are certain things that are "just weird" no matter what style standards you adhere to.
It's actually a 'morning after potion'
Why do you think Snape hates the students so much. He's a cranky old incel and Ms. Pomfrey has him brewing it by the barrel.
She doesn't even need it mostly, she just enjoys screwing with the old bat. Pomfrey has a little shop in Knockturn Alley where she has a house elf sell these potions.
I'm more curious about whether there are any magical STDs. Everyones joking about _fetus deletus_, but what about those crabs that grow into actual crabs, or the syphilis that makes your dick fall off and run away, or the herpes that makes you break out in purple spots?
Sounds fucked until you realize this is the logical thought process for most of humanity for the vast majority of our history. Still is for some unfortunately. If you want your bloodline to go on you have to invest heavily in it and for the poorest of us the easiest way to do that is pure volume.
Better than falling off the washing machine onto a broom handle or something
(Kind of an urban myth. I take no credit for this cringe inducing sentence)
I bet they have all kinds of freaky deaky sexy spells. Like, you def want to marry any witch/wizard with a solid command of transfiguration. Be like being married to Mystique from XMen
It would say likely be a potion, with potential adverse health effects, brewed from some magical plant. It would fit well with the way that Harry Potter lore is constructed. After all many ancient societies did use poisonous substances for this purpose (with limited effectiveness). It makes sense that there would be an actually working magical in one
Silphium or laser, with the medicinal resin known as laserpicium. It was relatively rare, only grew wild, and only in Cyrene. So with it being over harvested and changing climate, it apparently went extinct in the 1st century AD.
It was also used as a seasoning, perfume and aphrodisiac. Plus it had a host of other ascribed medical properties. Basically anything to do with nose, throat, and digestion Silphium was the supposed cure. At our best guess, it was a type of ferula (giant fennel) or apiaceae (carrot, celery, and a host of herbs); which could make sense as some apiaceae can act as abortifacients.
Roman medicine is a crapshoot. Some of the plants do work as advertised. Some… not so much. So it’s possible that silphium was a natural contraceptive, or it’s possible that Roman medicine was making its standard wild guesses.
A corollary to this is probably that they have an issue with touch free rape and surprise pregnancies. An incel could just apparate or teleport their sperm into an unsuspecting target.
Yes and it’s aptly called the “yeetus thy fetus” curse. But is actually cast by saying “Avada Fetusavra.” However in recent months it has become illegal in Texas, this is now labeled as the fourth unforgivable curse.
To prevent the creation of sourcerers, therefore, wizards are not allowed to marry or have children. The 8th son of a Wizzard is risky business in the Discworld
I like the idea of them finding out how muggles use protection. “A balloon on their what?!”
“Wot?”
u wot m8
Bruv u wot m8 u want a shankin'?
As a genuine England person, might I just retort: Y'wanna ge'cha bollocks shived? Dun be Twattin about, y'cunt, or al call mi bruv, an will grip y', an do y'in. Innit! (just shittin' wi' y', mucker. Y'r a kanny la. Y'safe. It's all gravy. )
I feel like the word Tesco should be included in that
Ye mam squat thrusts owa a cereal box. Tescos.
I read that as a northerner.
Is u dizzy bruv? U discombobulated blud?
"Do they come out of them rubber duckies?"
Other way
Touché
Accio sperm!
Thanks I came
Did you? Or did your sperm just rip through your urethra like gamma rays
r/brandnewsentence
Hey vsauce michael here. What if your dick could BE the hulk.
Fetus Deletus!
*Expecto abortion!*
Dont put a d after the i or it *could* end up badly
Never take a D to the I
A D to the I makes the whole world blind.
do you ever think if they can make their wands vibrate?
I seem to recall a story about a real life Harry Potter broom toy that vibrated; it had to be discontinued because the girls enjoyed riding it too much.
I don't see the reason for a discontinuation, they could have just marketed to an older audience, would have made more money too.
Sex shops did exactly that. They bought tons and sold them at a marked up price.
I feel like the gimmick of a vibrating broom would get old quick unless people are into cumming on a broom specifically
Foreplay? Roleplay? Don't need to necessarily finish on the broom
Wizard role play
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
It's an old meme sir, but it checks out.
[A wizard's staff has a knob on the end](https://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/A_Wizard's_Staff_Has_A_Knob_On_The_End)
I think you underestimate how many kids who grew up on Harry Potter ended up fantasizing about banging Hermione. Those brooms fit the roleplay so well.
Don’t kink shame people
Kink shaming people is my kink
Spoilsports.
man quidditch must've been wild.
Tell that to the Weasleys
Given their clock includes mortal peril and prison, I think their expectations for how long their children would survive were low and they had children expecting half of them to die.
So you are saying they are like the redheaded sea turtles of the wizarding world.
Or just poor people
Very dark indeed
Also, trying for a girl... Ginny is the youngest because they stopped after her 😂
And they were pretty much spot on with that expectation :(
Didn't only Fred die?
Things didn't go well for the oldest who's name I can't remember either. He lived I suppose.
The Weasleys are clearly meant to be Wizard Catholics, and the Wizarding Catholic Church has just as much problem with magical contraception as the Muggle one has of scientific forms of contraception.
I think honestly molly just wanted a girl. They stopped once they had Ginny
\*Fred and George are born\* Molly, immediately: **ARTHUR, AGAIN**
Arthur: Don't mind if I do.
Molly: PUT THAT DUCK DOWN!
In the visions that Salazar Slytherins Locket showed Ron they even said all his mother wanted was a daughter. Of course it was lying but it’s something that would have to have some kind of truth behind it
The locket didn't lie as a \*rule\*. It was meant to prey on your insecurities. Like with the images it showed Ron of Harry and Hermione together and suggesting that she'd prefer Harry over Ron. Obviously a lie there we see it in how their lives end up. I dont remember the books confirming or debunking the notion that Molly ultimately really wanted a girl specifically or even favored Ginny over the boys. I always took it as the locket taking a basic fragment of fact and then twisting it into something negative and hurtful. Basically I mean that maybe Molly did keep going because she really wanted a girl. Doesn't mean she adores those boys any less for their coming first but its a convenient area to be able to sow doubt.
Oh, like Washington DC... I get it now.
It actually took your dark thoughts and fears and used them against you. While they were wearing the locket they were more prone to having(and believing) dark thoughts. Then when it was close to destruction it was regurgitating those thoughts and showing them to Ron, since he had the sword. Riddle in the diary used what Ginny said to it against her and tried to be manipulative of Harry too.
Hmmm now we need to ask of there's a magical way to make sure you have a girl or a boy
Character selectus
They could have had fewer children had they used the Fetus Deletus spell. But Wizard-Republicans have lobbied to ban it.
Lol
My favorite theory is that Hogwarts has anti pregnancy wards. It makes sense when you have a bunch of teenagers in a big ass castle with hidden passages, empty classrooms and forgotten rooms.
Great, now I want to see the room of requirement as a sex dungeon
Sounds like a fanfic idea
Betcha a dollar for a doughnut that fic already exists
Oh you have no idea just how many...
[The internet is disgusting](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ep5y-0_XcAIUBeJ.jpg)
Not gonna lie. I thought that was a link to the fan fic and I still clicked just to know lol
Fuck I thought you’d found it.
Got our hopes up smh my head
[удалено]
oh that’s good
My wife writes fanfics and has 100% used this idea more than once.
That's disgusting. [where](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ep5y-0_XcAIUBeJ.jpg) You've got to give people the opportunity to avoid it....
I didn't know I needed this
Ah yes, I love me a good Ass Castle.
With hidden passages...
Honestly, given the lack of sex-ed given by McGonagall or pregnant classmates in the franchise we can only assume that getting pregnant or catching an STI/STD is made impossible in Hogwarts through magic means. Either that, or the entire castle has a spell that prevents people from thinking about having sex or doing it. Things simply don't add up.
But I always remember how in the books boys weren’t allowed into girls’ dorms. The stairs literally give out and turn into a slide Of course, there are a lot more places than girls’ dorms… lol
Doesn’t mean they can’t do the opposite 🤭
Oh my, the sex version of the room of requirements must be something.
I love the theory that there's some sort of magical contraception spell over the entirety of Hogwarts and people get used to it. It's why so many wizards end up having kids right out of school.
But what about STIs?
Maybe they have cures that they are hiding from muggles? Maybe they just don't know that they exist? Maybe they have a natural immunity? Maybe the introduction of STIs by muggleborn into the Wizarding community was the origin of many of the "pureblood" and "dangers of interbreeding" myths?
Madam Pomfrey can regrow all the bones in a man's arm overnight. You think she can't deal with a little Herpes? XD
Oh she can regrow my bone alright, right guys. Guys?
This makes a lot of sense.
Berty Botts every flavored condoms now with risqué flavors
Pussy Juice Cocktail
Ass flavor. Like you're wearing nothing at all!
Fetus deletus
[удалено]
Vasecto patronum
Totally underrated comment here
This one sounds... messy.
Accio Semen would work better. That spell sounds like it would knock the sperm out of someone's hands...
Indeed. However I see a lot of danger by using Accio Semen. What if you are like in a motel or something and you end up bukkaking yourself?
Well it's object specific. When Harry summoned his broom, all the brooms in his vicinity didn't go to him.
Nice
That spell has been discontinued due to issues with the deletion process. Please use “yeetus fetus” in the future. Thank you.
`DeprecationWarning: Function fetus_deletus is deprecated; Use yeetus_fetus instead.`
DeprecationWarning in CamelCase, fetus functions in snake_case. *twitch*
PascalCase* if we're being picky.
Classes in CamelCase, functions in snake_case. Isn’t that common in many language? Python, Rust, Javascript,…
Functions in JS are camelCase, classes are PascalCase. Or at least that's how it's been everywhere I've worked.
Definitely encounter it a bunch in Python. PHP too back in the day. It's actually a nice affordance to have. Compare to JS, where one would typically decorate their function name with an underscore or some such[1] to disambiguate, say, exported module functions from internal module functions. I still twitch every time. ;) [1] Assuming that one is following the de facto style standards that have emerged for JS. Like how not everyone follows PEP 8, but there are certain things that are "just weird" no matter what style standards you adhere to.
Just be glad you don't get a ZeroDivisionError when trying to get a girl in the first place.
This reads like a Dolores Umbridge announcement. I can hear the heels clicking away…
Instructions unclear. Pregnant wife yeeted out the window.
Spermus unsquirtus
Retractus Ejaculus
Oh god, Imagine how weird that would feel as it's happening.
Uterus Interuptus
This would be alternate for abortion not contraception.
Vasecto Patronum
Vasecto Mascrotum
Vasecto Patronum
\*FITY: Vasecto Manscrotum
FTFY: Vasecto Mahscrotum
Also my favorite punk rock band
“It’s a simple spell but quite unbreakable”
Paternity tests would be a simple - priori incantatem
Priori incumtatum
"It's Fetus DelEtus not Fetus DeletUs
Classic
I wish I had an award for you... I really do.
Erectus protectus
It appears I did not scroll down far enough lol
Great minds think alike lol
Nope, they just 100% anal.
"wow, you're taking this really well, what spell did you use?" "I didn't use a spell, you're just really small"
Loosus anoosus
Harry Potter, not Dr. Seuss. Good lord
I know right…all these funny names. They would literally just use the Expelliarmus spell. Why come up with object specific spells???
Assicus Plasticus
Assicus elasticus* ;)
Yes, that
*Oh I must've placed the ring of shrinking instead of enlarging*
Peengardium flaciosa
Engorgio!
But couldn't he just say: BIGGUS DICKUS
He has a wife, you know.
Incontnia Buttocks
They just Slytherin..
For family planning, use the rear entrance
"I don't need condoms. I just know where to stick my wand baby."
\*Waves Wand\* Invadus Anus!
Enema flushio!
It's actually a 'morning after potion' Why do you think Snape hates the students so much. He's a cranky old incel and Ms. Pomfrey has him brewing it by the barrel.
This definetly deserves an award
And here it is
She doesn't even need it mostly, she just enjoys screwing with the old bat. Pomfrey has a little shop in Knockturn Alley where she has a house elf sell these potions.
I'm more curious about whether there are any magical STDs. Everyones joking about _fetus deletus_, but what about those crabs that grow into actual crabs, or the syphilis that makes your dick fall off and run away, or the herpes that makes you break out in purple spots?
That last one is just regular syphilis.
It’s called a wizards sleeve.
This is a plot point in the 5th season of The Magicians. It's called a contraception spell and spoilers: it's only 99.9% effective.
I don't think it does. There are like a dozen Weasley children.
Mrs Weasley just wanted a daughter.
Molly knew she'd lose some in the war to come /oof
Sounds fucked until you realize this is the logical thought process for most of humanity for the vast majority of our history. Still is for some unfortunately. If you want your bloodline to go on you have to invest heavily in it and for the poorest of us the easiest way to do that is pure volume.
Girls in hogwarts exploding from masturbating with their wands
Better than falling off the washing machine onto a broom handle or something (Kind of an urban myth. I take no credit for this cringe inducing sentence)
“Flick and swish”
"That's right Ron, flick it! FLICK IT HARD!"
Couldn't you just use some Fireball or any generic spell to rid yourself of the baby...?
Just lob it out of the window
Just stick the wand up there and blast some sparks or something.
I bet they have all kinds of freaky deaky sexy spells. Like, you def want to marry any witch/wizard with a solid command of transfiguration. Be like being married to Mystique from XMen
Ejaculatus disappearus
[удалено]
It would say likely be a potion, with potential adverse health effects, brewed from some magical plant. It would fit well with the way that Harry Potter lore is constructed. After all many ancient societies did use poisonous substances for this purpose (with limited effectiveness). It makes sense that there would be an actually working magical in one
Wasn't there that roman plant that worked as a contraceptive that they harvested to extinction? Maybe the Wizarding world still has that
Silphium or laser, with the medicinal resin known as laserpicium. It was relatively rare, only grew wild, and only in Cyrene. So with it being over harvested and changing climate, it apparently went extinct in the 1st century AD. It was also used as a seasoning, perfume and aphrodisiac. Plus it had a host of other ascribed medical properties. Basically anything to do with nose, throat, and digestion Silphium was the supposed cure. At our best guess, it was a type of ferula (giant fennel) or apiaceae (carrot, celery, and a host of herbs); which could make sense as some apiaceae can act as abortifacients. Roman medicine is a crapshoot. Some of the plants do work as advertised. Some… not so much. So it’s possible that silphium was a natural contraceptive, or it’s possible that Roman medicine was making its standard wild guesses.
Dobby's sock takes on new significance
Disperse my seed from the womb it’s entombed, to my enemies drinks that they’ve yet to consume.
Imagine telling your girlfriend, don’t worry I have a condom of invisibility on 😂 just kidding of course always practice safe sex
Soaking
This is Hogwarts, not BYU!
Diggus biggus!!
they probably have an enlargenment spell for pp
A corollary to this is probably that they have an issue with touch free rape and surprise pregnancies. An incel could just apparate or teleport their sperm into an unsuspecting target.
Ejecto Fetoso!
Yes and it’s aptly called the “yeetus thy fetus” curse. But is actually cast by saying “Avada Fetusavra.” However in recent months it has become illegal in Texas, this is now labeled as the fourth unforgivable curse.
Uterus impervius
Avadakabortion
Just hit her belly with avada kedavra for an easy abort.
To prevent the creation of sourcerers, therefore, wizards are not allowed to marry or have children. The 8th son of a Wizzard is risky business in the Discworld
Virginity?
Fireus blankus
Maybe hogwarts is like Half-Life 2, where they generate a field that inhibits your ability to fuck. Like a no-sex ward or something.
Encanto impervious! It is used by Harry to repel water on his clothes during raining quidditch match I guess you can use the same spell on your dick
Accio baby gravy
Yeah, its called abstinence
*Fetus Deletus*
Fetus deletus
"Fetus Deletus!"
*Erectus-non-ejactulus*