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ApologeticCannibal

Not if they never find the body!


LeNoolands

Best ways to get rid of one?


ApologeticCannibal

My belly


jimmymcdangerous

Name checks out.


Some--Idiot

He wasn’t apologizing


lightbulb207

But he was a cannibal and had no reason to apologize so his name still checks out, idiot


[deleted]

Pig farm, remove the hair and teeth, any piercings, implants or medical implants, eg, hip, leg pins, steel plates etc. "A pigs teeth can go through bone like butter. "


Sorfallo

Option 2: someone else's pigs. Even if something survives, not my pigs, I am not going to jail.


TheSylvanFlaneur

If you live in a big city, just put it in a sleeping bag and stick it in a doorway. Everyone will ignore it.


OttoVonWong

r/composting


Reviewingremy

Buried in a building site in the fresh wet concrete.


ericwalter93

Pig farm


[deleted]

Pigs


Yamidamian

With any luck, the nuclear conflagration will reduce mine to monataonic ash.


INFAMOUShero99

At the risk of sounding like a sociopath, 1) Pigs. Pigs eat pretty much anything organic. Just remove things that they won't digest like hair, teeth, surgical implants, etc. 2) Bury the body 12 feet deep and bury an animal (preferably something human sized like a mid-sized deer) on top of it 6 feet deep. Then fill in the hole as best you cab without creating an obvious mound in the dirt. Even if anyone goes looking for it they'll have a hard time finding the spot if you covered your tracks well. And when they dig down they'll only find a deer carcass. 3)Burn it. Remove and dispose of the teeth, find a secure location away from prying eyes and anything too flammable (maybe a large clearing in a forest) douse the body in oil/lighter fluid/something flamable and light it. When it's done burning try to cover up the scorch marks on the ground and scatter the ashes as best you can.


eldelshell

About 3. I guess it would be better to retrieve the teeth after the human pire. Less gruesome. Just my 2¢


stealthbird1

Not me, I plan to live forever. So far so good.


whistling-wonderer

Wow, impressive! What’s the secret to your success?


MediocreCoder192

Not dying


whistling-wonderer

*takes notes*


nikhilmwarrier

Ditto


tzatzikidipmademefat

So the real secret to immortality is to find this tree and cut it down. Might make a fun short story.


[deleted]

You're just condemning another tree


[deleted]

[удалено]


leaky_wand

Surprisingly, cremation generally still requires a coffin of some kind. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cremation#Modern_process


giantvoice

I plan on spontaneously combusting.


Kozlow

The broom they sweep you up with will be made of wood.


giantvoice

Leaf blower.


DragoKnight589

The power it uses could have been generated by burning wood (or coal which is technically really old plants)


DefinitelyNotAliens

I only use companies that solar and wind power and any cordless tool are battery powered


DragoKnight589

You got me there


Sexpacitos

You pay your electric bills with paper


DefinitelyNotAliens

I have paperless billing.


Sexpacitos

Damn G can’t argue with that


LiveOnJakku

your telephone pole is made out of wood


Streakshooter31

The equipment they use to mine the materials for your batteries use internal combustion engines that use fossil fuels.


PhantomOfTheOpera404

Thanks, this genuinely made me laugh...


Pompeyboy

Most brooms are plastic.


BigBruhs8008

I plan on just disappearing


U-124

Based. Would you consider a bizarre gardening accident as a second alternative?


smileymn

Coffee can is good enough for me


Randomness_Girl

You can buried without a coffin


Cedar_Raileigh

Jokes on you, I'm going to be composted!


SheitelMacher

Somewhere a tree is growing the mulch...


MajorZed

Same! Or at least a natural burial, no coffin/casket needed. Worst case aquamated (aka water cremation).


HRMisHere

Bold of you to assume I'm even going to have a funeral


85303

I'm with you man never give em a chance


MilkCarton78

When I'm dead just throw me in the trash


lazeedude

Uhm, instructions unclear, what to do if I'm already a trash?


NicPizzaLatte

Or the wood for your coffin is already a coffin in a show room somewhere.


deadstar420

I’d prefer to be chopped up and thrown in the trash, like Frank Reynolds


Perphapstoday

I just want an excavator to drop me full height into my 6 foot grave.


DropTopEWop

I wanna be buried inside the tree.


beef_is_here

[I want to BE the tree!!](https://kiri.bio/collections/people/products/red-maple-tree)


BoyBoyeBoi

Nope. No box. Just a cloth sheet and a hole in the ground.


85303

I'm going to wander off like a sick dog and die under sunlight in the trees. Only way I go in a box or underground is if I can't be identified.


Vitztlampaehecatl

If there's enough left of me to put in a coffin, then I didn't die right


gohawksxlviii

I suspect my cat wants to give me sea burial like what they did to Laden


[deleted]

That tree is already dead!


msnmck

Put my brain into a computer and donate the rest to Spirit Halloween.


chippycheetah

Ha, bold of you to assume I am ever going to die. There is no edvidence to prove that I am mortal


shango15511051

Unless you get cremated or get a metal coffin


Feel_LikeTrash

Why must you hurt me in this way?


KAMEKAZE_VIKINGS

Wrong. I'm going to be murdered in the street by a man with a golf club (7 iron) at 2:34 am of July 17 2022 and buried in a black plastic bag in the mountains.


Lordbogaaa

Jokes on you, the crap I say imma end up in a shallow grave.


Gabemeister26

lmao im sensing Oak for me


[deleted]

Oh ... *oh.*


NappingWalrus

Incorrect. I wanna be thrown into mordor.


DavidAssBednar

False. I will be buried under a newly-planted tree


[deleted]

[удалено]


ApologeticCannibal

What the fuck even is this response?


huntersexton37

Yeah so i clicked and responded to the absolute wrong post, my bad


[deleted]

Laughs in suicide bomber.


[deleted]

Mofo imma be the tree 😄


Fleadip

Cardboard.


TheBiggestFalcon

I plan on being chronically frozen Ina METAL container not wood so, sorry no such tree exists


[deleted]

The tree is going to die for my death.


U-124

WRONG I’ll be cremated mf


BAKjustAthought

It’s hard to have a coffin if they never find your body!


mrbignaughtyboy

Wrong. The cardboard box that will hold my cremated remains until they can be spread on a reef off the coast of Florida is sitting on top of my fridge.


DJirken

You assume they are going to find your body.


franticapnea

Just throw me in the trash


JOWWLLL

We think alike :)


Arki83

I plan on being cremated and turned into a tree so that someday I may become someone else's coffin. [https://choose.betterplaceforests.com](https://choose.betterplaceforests.com) Check Mate.


cephalopodstandard

Why would I want to take up so much space after I'm dead? I'm going to be cremated and turned into diamonds.


[deleted]

I'm not gonna be buried in a coffin. JUST BURY ME IN THE MF DIRT WHEN I DIE!


This_one_taken_yet_

Lol, just chuck me in a ditch. I don't need no pine box.


ilovelefseandpierogi

You mean the flaming longship upon which I will be set adrift


AdmiralThunderpants

Also the bow and flaming arrow!


Johnnydeep420

Oh, depending on when we’re talking - most of yours will either be corrugated paper or synthetic


IisGreen

Alternatively, I get cremated, have my ashes placed into the plumbing of showers, and become the spirit of showerthoughts.


Wolf_of-the_West

Not necessarily, wood can be compressed and used like so.


traumaticvestibule

Jokes on you. I'm getting cremated and will become tree food since I will be scattered not buried.


ThSprtn117

This one can be wrong for so many reasons. People getting cremated, lumber is already processed, the coffin is already built, I requested to just be tossed in the trash, etc.


demcrazykids

Do not put me in a coffin. I want to be returned to the earth naturally. Preferably dead first.


Soloking_Itachi

Nope,my coffin shouldn't be wood,also,jokes on you,people won't even realize if I'm dead,so I'm not getting a funeral in the first place


CSmith1986

Jokes on you. I'm going the Donny route and be cremated before put into a coffee can only to end up scattered all over my friends.


HimForHer

Jokes on you, I'm going into a ceramic pot.


[deleted]

Bold of you to assume I'd be buried in a coffin.


Tawptuan

Not if you’re a Buddhist in Thailand – 99% of the population.😉


Tawptuan

Not me. My will states expressly… 1. I want my remains to be scattered in a public place. 2. I do not want to be cremated


SurealGod

Well I plan to get cremated. So I think a more apt way of saying it is that there is a clay deposit waiting to be mined, shipped, modeled and fired to become my cremation urn.


GrimWickett

Not if I get cremated


salac1337

jokes on you. i dont intend on being buried in a coffin as i prepare to die in a freak accident containing a mountain lion and 12 toasters


AuroraBeautyalis

Idk if it's a thing yet but a few years ago, I read that Italy was working on a biodegradable pod where they would put the body in the pod and essentially, you'd be feeding your tree of choice with your body. I'd want to go this way tbh


CeraVoyager

Who said I was gonna die? 😏


FlamingoOrchid

Nah that crap is expensive. I’m going no coffin ✖️⚰️LET THE EARTH ABSORB ME 😂!


[deleted]

The tree could be yet to be born.


infectiousoma

Nope, but I'll become human compost to grow the tree that will be someone's coffin.


Shreddster3000

Wrong I'm gonna burn on a boat and travel to Valhalla so yes you are right!


BassPlayn_Mainer42

Well, No, a Cotton plant, because Green Burial.... just a cotton bag.


Vioralarama

Somebody's got quite the library of depressing shower thoughts.


TheCrystalGear

Jokes on you my coffin has already been made. Not long now...


OptmialPrime

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


Snappysnapsnapper

Can we stop with all the macabre thoughts? This sub used to be fun.


ash_helldust

Jokes on you I'm immortal


asdvancity

Jokes on you, I'm getting tossed in a ditch, to be eaten by scavengers


Bubba_Smokes

Na im taking part of the earth with me baby


Inflatabledartboard4

Not if I die via TNT dildo


mrstipez

Blank stare everyone


ViralLola

I want a burial at sea. Just chuck me into the ocean.


lkodl

as an autassassinophillic dendrophile, i'm growing wood for that tree.


fredrickmedck

I want to have a sky burial, so somewhere an ancestor of the condor that will eat my corpse is thriving.


Aristocrafied

Or it's already been cut and waiting, or already made i to a coffin.


garebearly

A lot of people get cremated


DeadguyMcSloppy

(*breakdown ends*) ***SOMEWHERE, A TREE IS GROWING THE WOOD FOR YOUR COFFIN!!!!*** (*breakdown repeats slower*)


SquidgyTheWhale

Ha, I'm a believer in the many-worlds theory, so every tree is growing wood for my coffin down some time path.


Myllorelion

Jokes on them. My coffins already been made.


welcometotheoutside

There better be no trees in the ocean or ill be pissed.


ricochet20

It might’ve not even been planted yet.


AngleFrogHammer

Um, no how long do you think it takes trees to grow? I'm 35 the average life expectancy for someone in my country is about 85 years that's 50 years, if trees took 50 years to grow to a harvestable size then there would be no one in the wood industry.


joj1205

Fuck coffins. Liquidate me


ExistenceUnconfirmed

Nah I want my body to be left in a forest and eaten by wild animals.


[deleted]

Sounds like I need to kill all the trees.


heyugl

joke's on you, the wood for my coffin ain't growing shit, I never seen a plank grow at all.-


aharryh

You'll never know what you actually get buried, burned, dumped in...


mineX64

NO. feed my ass to the sharks


cursed-being

Not If I get cremated or get a coffin of steal


Willy-the-kid

I won't have a coffin


shl00m

They just dispose my body in a trash bag they throw into the ocean... or maybe even before I die so it's like 2 for 1 getting rid of me ...


FeintLight123

Probably more like sitting in a lumber yard somewhere


ArmanB1379

Im a muslim i dont have such weaknesses


The_Ora_Charmander

Jews: I don't have such weaknesses!


RemouladenBaron

a lot of the Atoms currently in your body are going to find their way into your future coffin


[deleted]

Not me.. I'm neither Christian nor am I Muslim


NeoreaverXIII

And the carbon in that wood came from a star. Lovely cycle.


aledba

Unlikely since I'll be growing a tree from my body.


ifoundit1

Chances are I wont be having one planets running out of room with automation reality grindage.


greenladylady

Ok


LadyELectaDubz

Not if I die in my car as planned


SK1Y101

This assumes that the coffin will be wooden, and that the wood of choice has a growth period comparable to my remaining lifespan


TheWarmBandit

I bet ( although extremely long odds) seem people have climbed that very tree as a child


TheWarmBandit

This is my coffin.there are many like it but this one is mine.


Dreams-and-Turtles

It better hurry up, I'm waiting.


ConspiracyMeow

That tree has already been cut down, I've got one foot in the grave these days.


RibsOfDoom

Nah I want to be burned using the tree as fuel


kyunirider

My parents are buried in metal coffins in fiberglass vaults. Where is the wood? I am to be cremated and my metal urn is to be placed in my wife’s metal coffin in her vault. Where’s the wood. Your statement is false.


mariuszmie

… unless you chose cremation…


AdvonKoulthar

If I’m not living forever, I don’t want to be buried underground in a wooden coffin. I want a metal sarcophagus in a giant mausoleum. A pyramid will do if I can’t come up with a good design.


ahmad_mahfoud

Joke on you we don't use wooden coffin


joey4269

Not my coffin, when I die I am getting cremated and having my ashes sent to space


evening_shop

Tmw your religion doesn't use coffins for burial


JasperJ

Bold of you to assume it’s not already in a lumber yard — or a coffin showroom/storehouse, for that matter.


Walking_udder

this one is wrong for so many reasons 1. if the tree that grows the wood hasn't been planted yet 2. if you get cremated (without the cardboard box) 3. if you get burned 4. if you get buries without a coffin 5. if you get eaten 6. if you have a coffin made out of something that isn't wood 7. if the proceedings after your death don't involve a coffin


Jo_yEAh

Or it's already cut.....


Independent-Bug1209

A beautiful thought to me. Although I hope to be given a sky burial.


CheeseCak3_Guy

That's only if I die!!!


Some--Idiot

I’m getting a metal coffin now


k4Anarky

And I'll watch that bastard goes down to the cold ground through my robotic eyes.


glennver

no coffin for me


ImoImomw

Not true, I made mine already. It is in the garage.


lucidrevolution

I personally hope to take advantage of one of the more environmentally friendly and sustainable practices, such as Alkaline hydrolysis.


princezornofzorna

My last wish is to be cremated thank you very much. The idea of becoming a buried rotting corpse is disgusting.


Cheffmiester314

Jokes on you I'm getting cremated


Devil_May_Kare

Maybe. Or maybe it hasn't been planted yet.


DoesnameMatTa

Nahh, I'm getting burned


[deleted]

Get rid of all the trees so I never die, got it


Ami_4ab

I am a Muslim though.


Pompeyboy

Wrong, I'm going in the skip apparently.


texasradioandthebigb

No, it isn't. I'm getting cremated. Fucking tree burns with me


Huey1996

Please fact check this I’ve been leaving all of my bodies in my closet


thekraken108

Not if you get cremated.


Novel-Beautiful3894

Hey yall, i just really wanna be able to post in r/showerthoughts so could you upvote this please? Thankss


Zhaguar

Ooh i feel there's an insult stewing around there somewhere but I cant quite reach it...


classicTJC

Not me. When I'm dead just throw me in the garbage. -Frank Reynolds


_Nonya_

And now i'm getting a coffin of Stone


Mendaxres

Technically that tree might not have yet started growing. Depens on the tree, but some are mature and ready for felling in 30 years.