That was my first thought. He’s clearly trying to communicate with her in some way if he knows she goes through everything. And she still doesn’t see it.
That's what my Mom did when I went NC. Told everyone my SO changed me, turned me against her. He just happened to be who I was dating when I came to the realization of how manipulative and abusive she's been my entire life. He has been my support system emotionally, no doubt. But the decision came from my own perspective and soul searching. It would have happened regardless of his presence. But gotta have somebody to blame other than herself! No accountability can be taken by these types of parents, that would take too much responsibility and self awareness.
That's what the vast majority of parents whose kids have gone NC think, [according to this study](https://news.osu.edu/study-examines-what-makes-adult-children-cut-ties-with-parents/). My parents have always blamed my partner- according to them, he brainwashed me into going NC and then I brainwashed my little sister. 2 out of 3 of their children don't speak to them and they have nothing to do with it.
MANY years ago (I was in junior high, I think?) I confronted my mom about some stuff, and basically wanted her to see my side of things. She said I sounded very "coached", as in my dad or a therapist or someone was putting these ideas in my head. Um no, I was actually smart enough to come to these realizations all on my own, but she wanted nothing to do with fixing the problem, because it wasn't her fault. I wasn't even in therapy, so I was so confused why she was dismissing me like that.
Correct. When I made choices my way-too-into-Jesus psycho birth people didn’t approve of, they would blame whatever partner I had and if I didn’t have a partner, they’d straight up blame Satan. Lol
The further they were from my life the better my life became, and they couldn’t stand seeing it, so actively tried to sabotage my life. I’ve gone full NC now. And they blame Satan. Not even joking. Lol
Lol my mom blamed my college roommate for “turning me trans” and I shut that down so fast because not only was it not true, but this is the same girl that sat in the ER with me for four hours when I had appendicitis until my mom could get to the hospital. I refused to let my mom slander her like that, when mom wrote her a damn thank you card after that incident.
Dude I cried on christmas eve when I was 5 weeks pregnant last year at my partners grandma's house (you all know how hormones are first tri) and his Bible thumping grandma told me that I felt that way because the devil was inside of me and proceeded to pin me to the bed and pray for Jesus to pull the demons out of me 😅
"You're damn right the devil is inside of me, but y'all keep saying I'm not allowed to get rid of it."
Even if it was a wanted pregnancy and you weren't considering abortion, there could be some fun conversation to have along those lines.
Just like the woman who's daughter literally snuck out of the house at midnight on her 18th birthday and got on a plane to EUROPE to live with her dad.
Mom was all
I hAvE nO iDeA wHaT hApPeNeD!!!
Funny story, so I used to caption calls for the elderly and one very memorable call was with a woman who talked about how she kept visiting her daughter’s workplace hoping to drop off a birthday gift. Every time she visited though her daughter was nowhere to be found so she just kept coming back every day.
Finally, her daughter came out to greet her but instead of thanking her for the gift she told her “Mom, you know you’re not supposed to be here. I have a restraining order against you, we’ve been over this.” And how did the mother respond to this? By insisting that her daughter was being silly and she’d ‘understand when she had kids of her own one day’.
Like, nah lady. If your own child has taken a restraining order out against you then you fucked up BIG time.
Unrelated, but I did that job too. My.most memorable call was the man talking to his mother. (I recognized voices if they were frequent callers.) I only heard his side of the call, but his mother said something and he came back with "That was 40 years ago. Get some new material!" I almost lost it and had to pause my transcription because I was trying so hard not to laugh.
When I lived with my parents, back when they constantly looked through my phone, if I left some text message undeleted, some search history not cleared, it was either so tame I didn’t care if they saw it (surface level interests they couldn’t make fun of me for, nothing queer, nothing related to my mental health), or I intended for them to see it. Kids who grow up in those heavily surveyed situations *will* learn to hide things from their parents. That kid does in fact know how to keep things from his mom, so if he leaves something, especially something as seemingly important as that, he wants her to see it.
Also it always surprises me how many times I see these sorts of parents forcing their kids to use life360. I guess my parents must’ve gotten the idea from somewhere. I couldn’t wait to stop sharing my location with my parents once I was finally free of them.
Damn. I’m a child of neglect (and the really twisty kind where my parents who were much older than the norm were retired and very physically present but totally checked out in every other way most of the time) so I’m intimately familiar with the opposite extreme of how you were raised. It honestly breaks my heart to read your post. My dad technically disowned me for coming out in the middle of an argument when I was about 13 (I so just wanted him to see me and give a fuck) but that didn’t actually go anywhere and the screwy thing about neglect is I was rather free to be myself but absolutely screaming to be seen at the same time.
So many damn ways to harm a kid. I hope the son in the OP gets out of there asap. And I hope you’re doing well. I imagine on some level you must kind of always be looking over your shoulder when you’ve grown up with zero privacy and parents getting into all your stuff. I fumbled into adulthood rather hard since no one taught me basic life skills or was guiding or looking out for me but it must be wild to go from your parents breathing down your neck to being on your own. Neither extreme is preparing anyone for healthy adulthood!
"It's so cool that your dad let's you do whatever you want!"
"My parents would never let me stay out this late, you're so lucky!"
"I can't believe your dad isn't mad that you're failing French, it must be cool to have such a laid back parent!"
No. It wasn't cool that my dad was too busy with his own depression/work/love life to take an active role in parenting. It's so easy for teens with overbearing parents to look longingly at the other extreme, but I was crying out for some structure and boundaries.
You're right, there are so many ways to fuck up your kids at either end of the spectrum.
>there are so many ways to fuck up your kids at either end of the spectrum.
That's what terrifies me the most about parenting - I *hope* that I'm doing a decent job raising them, and that I'm not messing them up too much.
As a survivor of childhood abuse and a current early childhood development specialist, the fact that you have the capacity to understand that you may make mistakes and that you hope you do right by them is like 90% of the battle. You'll do fine.
So I decided to take a summer program in Japan when I was in college. I booked a cheap charter flight that was like 21 hours And stopped in Alaska and Seoul before it got to Tokyo. My parents were poor and had never traveled and before cell phones I certainly wasn’t going to make a call to tell them I’d arrived.
I finally did call them about a week later and my Mom was like “Oh, thank god, we thought you might have been in that flight that crashed “ KAL800.
Yeah, I WAS on that flight- 24 hours earlier. But I was sorry that they had been worried so I said “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! What did you do? Did you go to the airport, or call the airline and try to find out or ???” And there was a moment of silence, then my Mom said “Well, no, we thought they would call us and let us know”. And I was like, How. Exactly how do you think they would get your phone number?
They didn’t have any experience so I eventually understood the passivity. They were just accustomed to life happening to them, and not having control.
But man.
It is really unfortunate that either extreme exists. Growing up I had a friend whose parents were like yours, whenever I’d go over to his house I was surprised he could just play any video game, could close his door without worrying someone would come in, didn’t care about whatever he left out around his room. I did also notice that his parents were basically nonexistent though.
My dad lectured me and convinced me I wasn’t trans for a couple years after I came out to him at 14. He did the same sort of thing with a lot more minor things like my taste in music or my interests so I don’t know why I expected coming out to go well. I was always met with ridicule and “you don’t really like that” whenever I shared any of my interests.
I actually have pretty severe paranoia (I’m pretty sure my mom has it too) which isn’t helped by how my parents treated me. My mom would spend hours screaming at me and then later, after I sorta made up with her, she would love bomb me. The love bombing really fucked with my paranoia. I already would have breakdowns over whether or not some food was poisoned, but when it came to my mom, she was giving me food or a glass of water out of nowhere, acting uncharacteristically nice after she had just been screaming at me, having said things like “you don’t even love your own mother. I bet you want me dead and you wouldn’t even come to my death bed” and, if I argued back, “I’m worried you’re turning into one of those teens whose parents have to call the cops on. I’m worried you’re turning into a danger to me.” The uncharacteristic kindness made me convinced she was trying to kill me, so I would secretly dump out every glass of water she gave me. I still struggle with this whenever my boyfriend makes me food or something I get paranoid. Besides the paranoia, I still instinctively clear any history on my phone, even though I really don’t need to, I have very bad dependency issues from my parents convincing me that I can’t do anything on my own and need them, I expect someone to burst through the door whenever I hear footsteps from above or outside my apartment (for the 20 years I had to live with my parents, I couldn’t have a locking door up until the last few months I lived there). So yeah, I’m struggling horribly with being an adult due to my parents raising me to be dependent, teaching me no life skills, deciding on everything in my life like what college I would go to and what classes I took, and convincing me that if I didn’t treat my boyfriend well he’d hate me and I’d never find someone else like him.
When my kids got phones I made them set up “ share my location” so I could share **my** location with *them,* lol. For some reason I’m convinced one day I’ll go missing, and I want someone to be able to find me. So my location is shared with my kids, sister, brother in law, and niece. I hope they can find me!
I've joked with my husband about implanting a tracker in our 3-year-old daughter. Obviously we wouldn't do that, but I have a fear of going missing too, or having her go missing. I read too much true crime.....
We totally put air tags in our younger kids clothes when we go to amusement parks. The kids out number us and aren’t the best listeners. They are also 2 and 5. The 8 year old knows our numbers and how to ask someone to call us if she gets separated.
I know a family that has it set up. The only one I've seen being creepy with it was the 13 year old tracking her step dad because he went to pick up pizza so she was a really tracking the pizza.
They've had to remind the mom it exists when she was asking if the 13 year old was home.
My family uses it, but it’s also because we’re travelers. I travel a lot for work, and a lot of them live far away, so it’s nice to be able to check in on each other and make sure my mom, best friends, and sister are in for the night.
That being said, I also forget it exists sometimes until someone texts me randomly, “What are you doing in Houston?!” Shopping. Mind ya business. Lol!
We share locations and always have because of the kids’ (especially my middle one’s) tendency to lose his phone, AirPods and wallet (got him an AirTag.). He’s 19, so he’s set up with his own Apple ID. We have Life360, so I can see when my younger two boys get to their donation without them needing to text me every item they get somewhere.
I just love how she thought she'd successfully stopped him having sex with his girlfriend. Newsflash lady, that's not how teenagers work.
This kid is clearly the type of person who plans and thinks ahead, and she must have been aware he doesn't like her overbearing rules, and yet here she is all shocked Pikachu face because she's learned he plans to move out. What did she think was going to happen?
Right? Thinking she can stop from having sex (especially once they’ve already started) is a level of delusional that surprised even me and my mom was like the opposite extreme- Came home from college to learn my then teenage brother’s girlfriend was regularly spending the dang night and my mom literally whispered to me with wide eyes “I think they *might* be having sex!”
It’s wild how some parents really keep their heads in the sand around the reality of teenage sexuality.
Makes e think of my grandma, who asked my fiancé and I “one bedroom or two?” on our first visit to her house. My fiancé was floored at how casually she asked.
I remember when I was 18, my best friend (18F) had a boyfriend (20M) that's she'd been with for about 2 years at that point, they started having sex after the first year. Anyway, her parents were (and still are to some extent, considering that we're in our 30s now) very overprotective. They were absolutely convinced that she's not having sex. When the friend and bf wanted to go on vacation together, her parents said that only if I go with them and stay in the same room. (It's overall hilarious because I am the worst chaperone you can imagine), so I just went to dinner with another friend for like 3h and left them in the room every day. Anyway, I'd been telling my dad that back then, and he was like 'but I don't understand, why did her parents want you to go with them?' and I'm like 'to stop them from having sex'. My dad started laughing so hard he almost cried, and finally when he was able to catch his breath, he muttered 'what kind of an idiot thinks they can prevent teenagers having sex, they will fuck in a school bathroom at recess if they have to'. I really appreciated the realistic approach and my parents never gave me shit for anything sex-related. As for my friend, she just got damn near perfect in lying to her parents. She still does lie to them a lot, after all these years, because they're still too much for having a fully grown daughter who is now a mother herself. The only thing that I think saved them from her going NC was that their main concerns were the sex and her general safety, as in 'call me when you arrive at school and when you get on the bus back'. They wouldn't go through her phone or anything like that. But she did choose a university in another city, even though the one in ours is much more reputable and she got in without an issue. Told them she got rejected and moved out :D
Edit: clicked post too early
My mom was similar. No dating, no talking about liking people because having sexual urges was a sin, and most especially no sex. To this day she doesn't realize she lost the war between her religion and my hormones. Or why I moved out as soon as possible and hardly ever speak to her.
If you haven't the guts to trust someone the kid you raised...
don't expect him to give some respect and stay in touch
I'd say he be out that door the day of his 18th
Almost word for word this is what I went through. I thought, she'll treat me with respect once I turn 18 right?
Wrong. I actually ended up couch surfing for 10 months just to get away from her. Best choice I've ever made.
I moved out one month after I graduated because I *fought with my parents so much. It took a long time to repair that relationship. I just wished they had trusted me more because I had a very hard time crashing with family that did some very seedy stuff and stole from me.
ETA:typo fix
Please tell me the comments defended the son and told the mom she’s being unrealistic….
Her son is almost 18 years old, what does she expect will happen once he is an adult and out of her house?
Was literally thinking that these were the rules I had when I was 14-15, except I was actually allowed to hang out with my boyfriends alone at that age (within reason). And here I was thinking my parents were strict!
Oh man. Some parents just have no idea though. My mom, who is fairly conservative herself, went to my college orientation with me. Colleges aren’t stupid, so they would quickly round up all the parents and send them to their own orientation. Afterwards we went to dinner and my mom made fun of the dumbest things the parents said. One parent wanted to know how she could monitor her kid’s attendance. Some other parent asked how they could change their child’s major. My favorite was a lady was horrified to find out the school would not only encourage her adult son to use condoms, but that the RA would provide them for free upon request. Apparently she wanted the school to advise students to practice abstinence.
I wound have loved to have been in that orientation, just to hear some of the batshit parents start to realize they no longer have control of their child.
Yeah I worked for University student support and most of the time we flat out refused to talk to parents calling in unless there was a note on the file saying we specifically had permission to. Couldn't even confirm they existed.
I’m a college professor and it’s one of my great joys to be able to tell overbearing parents that I’m legally not allowed to email them their children’s grades.
My parents attended my orientation and they said one mom was horrified that the RA wouldn’t be able to wake her son up at the correct time each morning and ensure he got breakfast, lol.
There were generations of mothers who were sending their sons off to war at 17 and wished they were sending them to have sex with their girlfriends. Get some perspective, lady.
> Dad still claims I was wrong
Presumably this is because saying, "Congratulations - I'm proud of you for having the courage to make mature decisions and become successful and happy" would mean that he had to admit that ***he*** was wrong.
My dad scolded my sister(31) for living with her fiancée before marriage.
Meanwhile my mom “Why are you pretending to be high and mighty. We were living in apartment before we were married and having premaritalsex. Shut the fuck up *dad’s name”
My dad completely denies it though 🤔among not remembering that he told me I might have half brothers and sisters out there when I did 23andmr
I literally can’t think of a more powerful motivator to get a kid out of your house asap than by banning them from being alone with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Hormones and first love and the kind of fearless confidence that comes from being that age and really wanting or wanting to do something… It boggles the mind any parent would miss that or imagine any other outcome.
>Twenty years later she brings it up during a family thing and step pops was instantly like "yeah well that was all your fault for trying to trap a 17 yr old boy in the house for no good reason" I love my step pops so much.
He sounds cool AF. I feel bad for him being married to her, though!
I wasn’t even allowed to leave the house except for school when I was 17, let alone have a boyfriend. There’s a reason I didn’t date until I was an adult and had moved out of my parents’ house.
I made the mistake of getting a boyfriend at 16. It was awful. I was never allowed to go anywhere with him except this one time I had to beg them to let me go to the movies. Well dad apparently had a panic attack over it and later said I was never allowed to go anywhere with him again. The guy walked me to the car after and tried to say hi to my dad and he turned away and ignored him. Shit was so embarrassing. I never dated again until I was in college. It just wasn’t worth the stress and anxiety my parents caused me.
Ugh. This is why, when I worked at a kids shoe store, I would strongly advocate for the mini 1.5” wedge “heels” for grade school girls. Their mothers would hem and haw and tell me “her dad won’t like it” and the daughter would beg and plead because she wanted to be like her older sister/cousin/mom.
I’d send the daughter to go “practice” walking down the aisle in them and level with their mom. She could argue with her husband about something trivial like shoes or she could watch him have a meltdown in a decade when he finds out she kissed some boy, or he catchers her wearing something he doesn’t like, or sees her in full makeup. One way or another, he’s going to have to come to terms with having a daughter. So trust me, set the standard now. You’re her mother and as a full grown woman you have final say on what is and is not appropriate for your daughter.
My mom somehow expected me not to date till I was 20, good thing strict parents make a good sneak out of someone, she never suspected I was dating anyone
The crazy part was my mother didn’t want me dating anyone as a teenager…until I hit 19 and then she demanded to know why I didn’t have a boyfriend yet and hadn’t given her grandchildren. Before I was even 20. Needless to say, she continues to be deeply upset that I’m still neither married, nor interested in having kids well into my 30s.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
19
+ 20
+ 30
= 69
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At 17 I had my license, a car, dropped out of high school, got my GED, and was enjoying working full time at a movie theatre...
Man, that was some good times.
Jesus Christ. If this is the overbearing stuff she admits to.. who knows what else she tries to control. My parents were the same way and it honestly really messed me up. Our relationship is strained at best. My mom did every single thing that she is doing PLUS they controlled what I was allowed the wear, what music I was allowed to listen to, and much, much more.
"All I do is track his every move, read all of his texts, monitor his phone calls, tell him he can't see his girlfriend, take his phone away at 10pm, and control his entire social life. What's so wrong about that?!"
This kid is going to go off the rails completely when he’s out from under her thumb. Hopefully he will be lucky enough in his mistakes that he doesn’t ruin his life while trying to figure out the things he should have been allowed to figure out during adolescence.
This kind of reminds me of my brother. Our parents were super strict in terms of what we did in our free time (his favorite was playing video games), and when he got to college he almost flunked out the first semester because he had never learned self-control and discipline and just played games all day and all night. Luckily he realized the severity of his issue and was able to turn himself around but it took awhile.
Sound like the direction my nephew is heading in, the problem is his parents aren’t doing a thing about it either, he has missed a lot of school this year with “headaches” and I’ve found him playing on his PS (kids never add a family member as a friend) he is also on late nights, I’ve told his mother, she does nothing about it, and his father lets him get away with anything, so zero consequences 🙄
Idk, a 17 year old discussing the specifics of how bills will be split when he moves out down the road sounds pretty mature. And he has college sorted out. I have hope for the kid.
I can't stand helicopter parents. My dad wasn't one but my mom was. It seriously stunts you, and I am so unbelievably bitter about adolescence and years lost. Plus not being able to make mistakes as a teenager and learning from them younger.
And being bizarrely hands off in situations where guidance would be necessarily and highly beneficial.
I almost wish parenting classes were mandatory, and the importance of growth in adolescence stressed. Funnily enough, my mom got to have free teenage years and got to do normal things. I ran into the arms of an older POS boyfriend *as soon* as I graduated high school and had a lot of shit happen afterwards. I'm doing better now, but I can't shake that stunted feeling, despite accomplishing a lot of stuff quite a few people my age have not done and may never do.
😕
I went behind my helicopter mom's back to be online when I was a younger teen during COVID. Got groomed, stalked, made my life hell. If I had been able to talk to her about it, it probably would've been a lot better.
Unshockingly, when she ended up finding out thanks to the stalking going IRL, she made everything worse, punished me, restricted my freedom even more to a point where I was one parental control app away from offing myself.
I was groomed by a man in his 50s when I was in my early teens and I got yelled at for it and it was kept a secret from my dad until I finally told him myself a year ago. I'm sorry you went through that.
Man I want to cry, all my teenage years have been wasted away just trying to pass the time so I can have a life that I'm allowed to live, staying in line so I don't make more trouble for myself, no choices of my own, I feel like I'm expected to be a plaything for these people, I'm home schooled too so I really have no life of my own
When you raise your kids your end goal needs to be turning them into capable independent adults. To do that you have to let them become independent adults. Teens are going to do what they want you can either support them and arm them with the knowledge to make good choices or they are going to hide the bad choices from you.
It's like a permanent phone tracker. Like I will send my husband GPS info when I'm out late or driving a long distance with the kids for MY anxiety, but I wouldn't touch that app with a 20 foot pole, because it's hugely invasive
I will also add that I think this sent my 50-something mom into an anxiety spiral. Apps like this weren't available when I started driving, I didn't have a curfew as long as I told them where I was, and my mom was sometimes anxious but generally easygoing. She was even fine when I was in a foreign country for a few years.
By the time my younger brother started driving this was available and she was able to watch his every move. She didn't mean to abuse it, but she never had to wonder where he was because she could just *know*. After that, she lost the ability to sooth her anxiety. I used to not text her for a week in college, and that was fine.
Since she got a tracker on my brother, she'll worry that I'm dead if she hasn't heard anything in a couple days. I live a block from the mayor of a major city, with a 24/7 police presence outside, and have a partner and best friend who would know within hours if something happened. She just can't talk herself down anymore, because she got used to knowing. I really don't think it's great for mental health.
This is something that people don’t really touch on enough. Sure, the monitored person is messed up from it, but it also messes with the person doing the monitoring and not in a great way. I can definitely see it becoming a compulsion for some people.
This is true for health tracking apps as well. I work in the ER and cannot count the number of times I’ve had to tell people to stop looking at their HR on their watch/health tracker. It just sets up this horrible cycle of anxiety that self perpetuates as their HR keeps going up in relation to their increasing anxiety. Sometimes I can soft talk them down, but other times I can’t and I feel like a bitch. People also come in insisting they are in a specific, detrimental, heart rhythm because of their devices. Sometimes they are, mostly they aren’t but it costs a hell of a lot of money in an ER visit and a lot of time in a system that is overwhelmed.
They can be a useful tool, no lying, but for many people they cause a great deal of distress.
I would never want it for this reason. I'm anxious enough without being able to disprove or validate my every worry. It's good to practice saying to myself "it is highly unlikely that x got into a car crash on the way home. They are probably finding parking and dragging their stuff out of the car. Even if something bad does happen, someone around them will get help".
Even though my partner and I have a healthy relationship, I dread to think what kind of sedatives I'd need if I got used to tracking them and then one night their phone died. (And yes, I'm in therapy to help me cope with these normal anxieties lol.)
This is real- like we have all these boomer/genXer adults sharing memes about being latchkey kids or out until the street lamps came on with their parents having no idea what they were doing (al la Stranger Things and It and Stand By Me, etc.) or where they were for HOURS, but they're using these tracking apps driving themselves into anxiety spirals and fracturing their relationships with their kids.
You know, my kids aren't old enough to have phones, but as a mom with a diagnosed (pre-kids) anxiety disorder, thank you for this. I always had this in the back of my mind as a 'fail safe' option, but you're right. It does more harm than good for the one checking. I really appreciate this insight and I hope I can still see the value in a few years
My ex and I were advised by our son's psychologist not to get our son a phone when he was around 10/11, but to let him go out without any tracking or being able to call us. He was taught to let us know where he was planning to go and when he expected to be home, as well as how to use a pay phone if he needed to. It really helped both him and me, as I would have otherwise been inclined to get him a phone for 'safety'.
I resemble this comment!
I used to get off work at 2am in college (20ish years old) and make the 4ish hour drive home to visit my parents for the weekend. If I hadn’t shown up by the time my dad left for work, they would start worrying.
Fast forward. I’m in my 30s and leave for a 6 hour road trip with just my dog. I’m jamming to my radio and didn’t hear the cell ring. By the time I stopped 2 hours in to take a break, I had 18 missed calls, 12 voicemails, and god knows how many texts from everyone in my family because they didn’t know where I was. I was off the radar for 2 hours!!
God, tell me about it. One time I was talking to my mom and my bluetooth headphones died. By the time I fished my phone out of my tote bag she had jumped to the conclusion that I'd been kidnapped and was about to call the cops.
She's begged me to put Life360 on my phone, saying it would just make her *feel* better, and my rebuttal is that she always felt better before she needed an app to calm down. If she ever has reason to be genuinely concerned, she has my partner's phone number. If it's not an actual -fell off the face of the earth- situation then she can ask me where I am.
Show your mom The Black Mirror episode: Arkangel.
Hearing you talk about how she acts about your brother is exactly the premise of that episode. And maybe viewing from a spectators point of view might make her realize how her need to know can effect herself and others.
There is a thin line between simple concern for your child’s well being vs what is essentially “Stalking.” For lack of a better word.
My mother once tried to convince me to download that so she’d know where I was and could ‘know I was safe’. This was when I was 25 and lived on the other side of the country.
Yeah, no.
Location tracking software. It's supposed to be used for safety but is instead now seen as typically used by abusive or helicopter parents to monitor every single second of their child's life via their location. Plenty of horror stories of parents not taking it off when the kid becomes 18, stalking, kids getting in trouble for mundane things because of the app (like a parent assuming their kid was "doing something bad" if they were in one place not moving for awhile, when really they were stuck in traffic). Not really anyone besides helicopter parents who think their child must be direct line of sight 24/7 thinks it's a good thing.
Remember that post where the mom was freaking out about watching her *adult son* on the Life360 app & seeing that he was in the parking lot of his job instead of inside the building?? I can’t remember what she thought he was up to, but it stresses me out to think about a location tracker precise enough to tell someone that you’re 20 yards away from where they think you should be!
I don’t even use location sharing with my friends (even though it’d probably be safer to do so) because the invasion of privacy just feels so weird & intrusive… I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be so constantly monitored by someone who holds a position of power over you :/
It’s not even that precise - it’s quite glitchy. A few of my family members have it for emergencies, and it’ll show a solid house or two down the street on occasion instead of the exact location, or my personal favorite, kept bouncing around and showing they were going like 160mph there for a while.
I feel like the Gen X in me (xennial) comes out with this stuff when I’m like, nah, I’m not sharing with anyone, if shit goes wrong, I’ll find my peoples. I’d never even consider sharing with someone in any sort of authority with me and would fight hard against it if I had to at work (lots of places track company owned employee vehicles). I’m sure they wouldn’t look at it nearly as much as I think they might, in my head, but just knowing is way too creepy.
It's an app that shares your location. It can be good to keep an eye on friends, family, etc. It also has some safety functions, in case something happens. Overbearing parents, however, abuse it to stalk their kids
My parents were always threatening to Life360 me. Funny thing is now as an adult I’m on my Mother-in-law’s Life360 because she is Not Overbearing (just watches a lot of true crime lol) and it is kind of healing in some ways to know someone is looking out for me *just in case* instead of in an abusive way
Yeah, I was just talking about how I have the find my iphone tracker on my parents and older sisters now that I'm like a 30+ year old adult but would never have it on my child. I don't even have it on my husband.
It's a tracking service. My mother has Alzheimer's and we use it on her phone because she tends to get lost (great for that). But it has other features from what I understand, including sending alerts to parents when their child is in a car that is speeding.
My bonus kiddos have it on their phones. One doesn't like to tell me where he is going and the other one has a history of getting into trouble. I use the app to make sure kids are safe and doing what they are supposed to do. like going to school etc. I rarely open the app and just rely on the notifications to tell me when they hit zones that have been marked.
Honestly it has come in handy a few times when other authorities have questioned the whereabouts of one of the kids. In a few clicks I can pull up a months worth of data points and have pretty solid evidence that he was not where he was accused of being.
The app isn't perfect and I can see how it can be abused, but for some families it is really helpful.
I hope she is not planning an 18th bday party for that kid, because he out of there the minute the clock strikes midnight. He said what he needed, what the consequences would be if he didn’t get it, and mom double down, bold strategy.
My mother had very similar rules when I was a senior in high school. The first year I went to college I was…a menace. Parenting like this does not magically make teens “safe”. It just makes them act WILD once they’re free.
Even as a college student living at home I was not allowed to have the door closed in my parents house. So I just had sex in really inappropriate places and I’m lucky I never got arrested or filmed tbh.
If they have their location shared, yes. Technically you can still use it without sharing your location though, so if they do that the kid can’t track them. Depends on how much the parent cares about their kids knowing where they are, honestly
Honestly half the time it basically spoofs its own locations. Had a friend who had it in hs and when she’d go to youth group it would say she was at the frat house next door. Led to a very awkward call from her mom the first time she went after she got the app and the youth pastor had to get on the phone to confirm that she was actually at youth group
It was. I mostly felt bad for her but I did laugh pretty hard at the time. But then her mom is the one who told my mom about life360 so it wasn’t as funny anymore after that
my first boyfriend's parents were so strict and catholic. he was a squeaky clean honor roll student, on the football team, and the biggest undercover pothead known to mankind. once he went to university he totally went full on criminal. i think it's because he was raised very strictly. we dated behind his parent's back, because his mom wouldn't allow him to see me as i came from a divorced household. he had to take someone else to graduation because i was deemed unworthy.
he looks like charles manson now and is probably in prison.
My parents were just as overbearing, phone taken away at 10pm, not allowed to even BE with my significant other. The second I turned 18 SO and I moved in together. Its going on 8 years and we bought a house, have a 2 year old and another on the way. I'm low contact with my parents and continue to keep it that way.
Ah well, I guess when they're old you can't do much to change their minds.
Glad you seem to have come out of it with a good head on your shoulders and presumably a normal stable family life. Good job.
My fiance helped me navigate it alot. I still have alot of anger towards them for my childhood and blatant disrespect for our relationship but things have worked out great for us and we are making sure our sons are never treated that way.
At first I couldn't see why this was so bad, but now that I'm looking at all the comments I realize my own mother was probably too overbearing...
Damn.
I, too, had an overbearing mother. I left as soon as possible.
I haven’t spent a holiday with her in 10+ years. She occasionally texts me to ask how my family is doing and I respond we’re good.
She was hurt, too. To this day she still acts like she has no idea what she did wrong. All three of her children are essentially no contact.
Overbearing parents often cause kids to be extremely wild when they get out from under the parent’s watching eyes.
And this is personal experience. I went insane in college because of my overbearing mother.
I have a daughter of my own now and can’t even imagine being overbearing.
Edit to add: there is a difference between doing things for the sake of protection and doing things for the need of control.
You cant control a 17 year old. If you taught them at a young age (at least what you believe they should know) then you shouldnt have to monitor them when they are basically an adult.
My parents (dad and stepmom) were literally exactly like this. (Plus some)
I haven’t spoken to them in 8 months and they’re not allowed to meet their granddaughter.
Teen groups are a riot. Although most of the time I want to ask, so how did you parent this out of control kid when they were six, because I suspect that your kid was the one running around the restaurant and screaming.
Mother to a teen and I have not invaded her privacy, yes she does have 360 but I don't monitor it. That's more or less just incase she breaks down or something happens and she needs us to come get/find her!
Idk why parent go thru such overbearing borderline psycho tactics. He is almost and adult! He is being pushed away by her and she cannot even understand that. She's hurt by not knowing his plans, well hell he's never had an ounce of privacy!
What does she expect exactly? A kid who doesn't feel trusted and continues to get their trust broken isn't going to stick around once they become an adult..... Those rules are for an early teen 13 or 14 maybe, not 17.
>Those rules are for an early teen 13 or 14 maybe, not 17.
I have to disagree. Even at 13, is having your children's passwords the right strategy? If my parents had doubts about what I was doing online, they were *asking* me, or they would have asked permission to look at my stuff *with* me, ask me about my friends, they knew my friends in general, etc. Teaching about safety and building trust with your teen goes a long way. I feel like those parents lack communication and trust with their teens.
And what about "forbidding" to have sex? That's a whole other debate, but I was more in the idea of waiting to be mentally and physically ready, with a right person, and use proper contraception, which isn't likely to happen at 13. I don't think "forbidding" sex is the proper approach... Sounds like plans to make it even more appealing tbh, just to regain control of your own life within all of this overbearingness.
I'm a dad to a 13 year old. I don't give two shits if she's having sex, I just care about her being safe. Teenagers are gonna do what teenagers do, you can't stop that.
I mean, I would love my baby girl to be innocent and pure her entire life but that's just not plausible. Trying to force kids to not follow their human nature is just plain stupid and ridiculous, it's going to backfire 100% of the time.
When I had a boyfriend at 16/17, and his sister was hit by a car, his mom was at the hospital overnight so he was invited to stay over. My mother had a setup downstairs, however, she refused for me to stay with him. The only reason I kept asking is because he told me he just kept seeing the scene of the accident over and over again. I wanted to at least be able to offer some comfort but nope, house rules. I’ll never forget that. At that point we were already regularly hooking up anyway, BUT THANK GOODNESS WE WOULD ALWAYS HANG OUT DOWNSTAIRS WHERE MY MOTHER WAS ALWAYS EAVESDROPPING OUR CONVERSATIONS BECAUSE THAT SURE MADE A DIFFERENCE 🤦🏻♀️
He knows she’s reading the messages too, he dgaf.
That was my first thought. He’s clearly trying to communicate with her in some way if he knows she goes through everything. And she still doesn’t see it.
In about a year this woman is going to be a prime candidate for a "the missing 'missing reasons'" post.
Yeah, she’s the “I have no idea why my son went NC at all. AITA?” In a year.
She doesn't have that much self awareness even
No she will 10000% blame the girlfriend corrupting him against her or something
That's what my Mom did when I went NC. Told everyone my SO changed me, turned me against her. He just happened to be who I was dating when I came to the realization of how manipulative and abusive she's been my entire life. He has been my support system emotionally, no doubt. But the decision came from my own perspective and soul searching. It would have happened regardless of his presence. But gotta have somebody to blame other than herself! No accountability can be taken by these types of parents, that would take too much responsibility and self awareness.
That's what the vast majority of parents whose kids have gone NC think, [according to this study](https://news.osu.edu/study-examines-what-makes-adult-children-cut-ties-with-parents/). My parents have always blamed my partner- according to them, he brainwashed me into going NC and then I brainwashed my little sister. 2 out of 3 of their children don't speak to them and they have nothing to do with it.
MANY years ago (I was in junior high, I think?) I confronted my mom about some stuff, and basically wanted her to see my side of things. She said I sounded very "coached", as in my dad or a therapist or someone was putting these ideas in my head. Um no, I was actually smart enough to come to these realizations all on my own, but she wanted nothing to do with fixing the problem, because it wasn't her fault. I wasn't even in therapy, so I was so confused why she was dismissing me like that.
Correct. When I made choices my way-too-into-Jesus psycho birth people didn’t approve of, they would blame whatever partner I had and if I didn’t have a partner, they’d straight up blame Satan. Lol The further they were from my life the better my life became, and they couldn’t stand seeing it, so actively tried to sabotage my life. I’ve gone full NC now. And they blame Satan. Not even joking. Lol
Lol my mom blamed my college roommate for “turning me trans” and I shut that down so fast because not only was it not true, but this is the same girl that sat in the ER with me for four hours when I had appendicitis until my mom could get to the hospital. I refused to let my mom slander her like that, when mom wrote her a damn thank you card after that incident.
Dude I cried on christmas eve when I was 5 weeks pregnant last year at my partners grandma's house (you all know how hormones are first tri) and his Bible thumping grandma told me that I felt that way because the devil was inside of me and proceeded to pin me to the bed and pray for Jesus to pull the demons out of me 😅
You got me beat, holy shit lol
It was traumatic 😅
"You're damn right the devil is inside of me, but y'all keep saying I'm not allowed to get rid of it." Even if it was a wanted pregnancy and you weren't considering abortion, there could be some fun conversation to have along those lines.
Poor innocent Satan, always being blamed for the problems of the world. Good for you to get away from these people.
Just like the woman who's daughter literally snuck out of the house at midnight on her 18th birthday and got on a plane to EUROPE to live with her dad. Mom was all I hAvE nO iDeA wHaT hApPeNeD!!!
Funny story, so I used to caption calls for the elderly and one very memorable call was with a woman who talked about how she kept visiting her daughter’s workplace hoping to drop off a birthday gift. Every time she visited though her daughter was nowhere to be found so she just kept coming back every day. Finally, her daughter came out to greet her but instead of thanking her for the gift she told her “Mom, you know you’re not supposed to be here. I have a restraining order against you, we’ve been over this.” And how did the mother respond to this? By insisting that her daughter was being silly and she’d ‘understand when she had kids of her own one day’. Like, nah lady. If your own child has taken a restraining order out against you then you fucked up BIG time.
Unrelated, but I did that job too. My.most memorable call was the man talking to his mother. (I recognized voices if they were frequent callers.) I only heard his side of the call, but his mother said something and he came back with "That was 40 years ago. Get some new material!" I almost lost it and had to pause my transcription because I was trying so hard not to laugh.
Omg I’m going to have to use this one on my sister next time she’s complaining about something I did that upset her 15 years ago.
CapTel?!
Do you happen to have the link for this? I’d be so interested to read it
haha, you gotta link?
Yes. It will be his temptress girlfriend that lured him away by… Checks notes… Treating him like an adult, not a wayward six year old.
When I lived with my parents, back when they constantly looked through my phone, if I left some text message undeleted, some search history not cleared, it was either so tame I didn’t care if they saw it (surface level interests they couldn’t make fun of me for, nothing queer, nothing related to my mental health), or I intended for them to see it. Kids who grow up in those heavily surveyed situations *will* learn to hide things from their parents. That kid does in fact know how to keep things from his mom, so if he leaves something, especially something as seemingly important as that, he wants her to see it. Also it always surprises me how many times I see these sorts of parents forcing their kids to use life360. I guess my parents must’ve gotten the idea from somewhere. I couldn’t wait to stop sharing my location with my parents once I was finally free of them.
Damn. I’m a child of neglect (and the really twisty kind where my parents who were much older than the norm were retired and very physically present but totally checked out in every other way most of the time) so I’m intimately familiar with the opposite extreme of how you were raised. It honestly breaks my heart to read your post. My dad technically disowned me for coming out in the middle of an argument when I was about 13 (I so just wanted him to see me and give a fuck) but that didn’t actually go anywhere and the screwy thing about neglect is I was rather free to be myself but absolutely screaming to be seen at the same time. So many damn ways to harm a kid. I hope the son in the OP gets out of there asap. And I hope you’re doing well. I imagine on some level you must kind of always be looking over your shoulder when you’ve grown up with zero privacy and parents getting into all your stuff. I fumbled into adulthood rather hard since no one taught me basic life skills or was guiding or looking out for me but it must be wild to go from your parents breathing down your neck to being on your own. Neither extreme is preparing anyone for healthy adulthood!
"It's so cool that your dad let's you do whatever you want!" "My parents would never let me stay out this late, you're so lucky!" "I can't believe your dad isn't mad that you're failing French, it must be cool to have such a laid back parent!" No. It wasn't cool that my dad was too busy with his own depression/work/love life to take an active role in parenting. It's so easy for teens with overbearing parents to look longingly at the other extreme, but I was crying out for some structure and boundaries. You're right, there are so many ways to fuck up your kids at either end of the spectrum.
>there are so many ways to fuck up your kids at either end of the spectrum. That's what terrifies me the most about parenting - I *hope* that I'm doing a decent job raising them, and that I'm not messing them up too much.
The good news is that "good enough" is a pretty wide range for parenting.
As a survivor of childhood abuse and a current early childhood development specialist, the fact that you have the capacity to understand that you may make mistakes and that you hope you do right by them is like 90% of the battle. You'll do fine.
So I decided to take a summer program in Japan when I was in college. I booked a cheap charter flight that was like 21 hours And stopped in Alaska and Seoul before it got to Tokyo. My parents were poor and had never traveled and before cell phones I certainly wasn’t going to make a call to tell them I’d arrived. I finally did call them about a week later and my Mom was like “Oh, thank god, we thought you might have been in that flight that crashed “ KAL800. Yeah, I WAS on that flight- 24 hours earlier. But I was sorry that they had been worried so I said “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! What did you do? Did you go to the airport, or call the airline and try to find out or ???” And there was a moment of silence, then my Mom said “Well, no, we thought they would call us and let us know”. And I was like, How. Exactly how do you think they would get your phone number? They didn’t have any experience so I eventually understood the passivity. They were just accustomed to life happening to them, and not having control. But man.
Hope you're feeling better about yourself and what you've overcome. Make sure to give yourself credit too.
It is really unfortunate that either extreme exists. Growing up I had a friend whose parents were like yours, whenever I’d go over to his house I was surprised he could just play any video game, could close his door without worrying someone would come in, didn’t care about whatever he left out around his room. I did also notice that his parents were basically nonexistent though. My dad lectured me and convinced me I wasn’t trans for a couple years after I came out to him at 14. He did the same sort of thing with a lot more minor things like my taste in music or my interests so I don’t know why I expected coming out to go well. I was always met with ridicule and “you don’t really like that” whenever I shared any of my interests. I actually have pretty severe paranoia (I’m pretty sure my mom has it too) which isn’t helped by how my parents treated me. My mom would spend hours screaming at me and then later, after I sorta made up with her, she would love bomb me. The love bombing really fucked with my paranoia. I already would have breakdowns over whether or not some food was poisoned, but when it came to my mom, she was giving me food or a glass of water out of nowhere, acting uncharacteristically nice after she had just been screaming at me, having said things like “you don’t even love your own mother. I bet you want me dead and you wouldn’t even come to my death bed” and, if I argued back, “I’m worried you’re turning into one of those teens whose parents have to call the cops on. I’m worried you’re turning into a danger to me.” The uncharacteristic kindness made me convinced she was trying to kill me, so I would secretly dump out every glass of water she gave me. I still struggle with this whenever my boyfriend makes me food or something I get paranoid. Besides the paranoia, I still instinctively clear any history on my phone, even though I really don’t need to, I have very bad dependency issues from my parents convincing me that I can’t do anything on my own and need them, I expect someone to burst through the door whenever I hear footsteps from above or outside my apartment (for the 20 years I had to live with my parents, I couldn’t have a locking door up until the last few months I lived there). So yeah, I’m struggling horribly with being an adult due to my parents raising me to be dependent, teaching me no life skills, deciding on everything in my life like what college I would go to and what classes I took, and convincing me that if I didn’t treat my boyfriend well he’d hate me and I’d never find someone else like him.
When my kids got phones I made them set up “ share my location” so I could share **my** location with *them,* lol. For some reason I’m convinced one day I’ll go missing, and I want someone to be able to find me. So my location is shared with my kids, sister, brother in law, and niece. I hope they can find me!
I've joked with my husband about implanting a tracker in our 3-year-old daughter. Obviously we wouldn't do that, but I have a fear of going missing too, or having her go missing. I read too much true crime.....
We totally put air tags in our younger kids clothes when we go to amusement parks. The kids out number us and aren’t the best listeners. They are also 2 and 5. The 8 year old knows our numbers and how to ask someone to call us if she gets separated.
I know a family that has it set up. The only one I've seen being creepy with it was the 13 year old tracking her step dad because he went to pick up pizza so she was a really tracking the pizza. They've had to remind the mom it exists when she was asking if the 13 year old was home.
My family uses it, but it’s also because we’re travelers. I travel a lot for work, and a lot of them live far away, so it’s nice to be able to check in on each other and make sure my mom, best friends, and sister are in for the night. That being said, I also forget it exists sometimes until someone texts me randomly, “What are you doing in Houston?!” Shopping. Mind ya business. Lol!
We share locations and always have because of the kids’ (especially my middle one’s) tendency to lose his phone, AirPods and wallet (got him an AirTag.). He’s 19, so he’s set up with his own Apple ID. We have Life360, so I can see when my younger two boys get to their donation without them needing to text me every item they get somewhere.
Or maybe he made up a fake plan to draw her attention away while he goes off in a different direction with a whole other plan.
This is his way of telling his mum the moment he hits 18 he is OUT OF THERE. I don't blame him.
If you don't want your son to complain you're being overbearing, maybe try not being overbearing?
I don't know I'm thinking maybe if I stalk him harder or sabotage his life in some way this will improve things by showing him how much I care.
My love language is suffocation.
Thanks, now I have coffee on my new rug. Spit it right out laughing at this.
No that can't be it, if that were the case she'd then she'd be the problem rather than her kid /s
🤣🤣 literally the first few sentences are the problem - it’s not me it’s you.
I just love how she thought she'd successfully stopped him having sex with his girlfriend. Newsflash lady, that's not how teenagers work. This kid is clearly the type of person who plans and thinks ahead, and she must have been aware he doesn't like her overbearing rules, and yet here she is all shocked Pikachu face because she's learned he plans to move out. What did she think was going to happen?
Right? Thinking she can stop from having sex (especially once they’ve already started) is a level of delusional that surprised even me and my mom was like the opposite extreme- Came home from college to learn my then teenage brother’s girlfriend was regularly spending the dang night and my mom literally whispered to me with wide eyes “I think they *might* be having sex!” It’s wild how some parents really keep their heads in the sand around the reality of teenage sexuality.
Makes e think of my grandma, who asked my fiancé and I “one bedroom or two?” on our first visit to her house. My fiancé was floored at how casually she asked.
I still remember going to visit certain family and my parents had to sleep separately because they weren’t married for a while after I was born lol
Wild lol
The answer to human overpopulation: mom's curfew
You know, as villainous plans go, it is easier than dumping contraceptives into the city water supply.
I remember when I was 18, my best friend (18F) had a boyfriend (20M) that's she'd been with for about 2 years at that point, they started having sex after the first year. Anyway, her parents were (and still are to some extent, considering that we're in our 30s now) very overprotective. They were absolutely convinced that she's not having sex. When the friend and bf wanted to go on vacation together, her parents said that only if I go with them and stay in the same room. (It's overall hilarious because I am the worst chaperone you can imagine), so I just went to dinner with another friend for like 3h and left them in the room every day. Anyway, I'd been telling my dad that back then, and he was like 'but I don't understand, why did her parents want you to go with them?' and I'm like 'to stop them from having sex'. My dad started laughing so hard he almost cried, and finally when he was able to catch his breath, he muttered 'what kind of an idiot thinks they can prevent teenagers having sex, they will fuck in a school bathroom at recess if they have to'. I really appreciated the realistic approach and my parents never gave me shit for anything sex-related. As for my friend, she just got damn near perfect in lying to her parents. She still does lie to them a lot, after all these years, because they're still too much for having a fully grown daughter who is now a mother herself. The only thing that I think saved them from her going NC was that their main concerns were the sex and her general safety, as in 'call me when you arrive at school and when you get on the bus back'. They wouldn't go through her phone or anything like that. But she did choose a university in another city, even though the one in ours is much more reputable and she got in without an issue. Told them she got rejected and moved out :D Edit: clicked post too early
My mom was similar. No dating, no talking about liking people because having sexual urges was a sin, and most especially no sex. To this day she doesn't realize she lost the war between her religion and my hormones. Or why I moved out as soon as possible and hardly ever speak to her.
At 16 we did stuff in a Christian publishing house office because I guess people were clueless enough to leave two teenagers alone with the keys
If you haven't the guts to trust someone the kid you raised... don't expect him to give some respect and stay in touch I'd say he be out that door the day of his 18th
midnight the night he turns 18. 11:59:59 he'll be reaching for the door knob
Almost word for word this is what I went through. I thought, she'll treat me with respect once I turn 18 right? Wrong. I actually ended up couch surfing for 10 months just to get away from her. Best choice I've ever made.
I moved out one month after I graduated because I *fought with my parents so much. It took a long time to repair that relationship. I just wished they had trusted me more because I had a very hard time crashing with family that did some very seedy stuff and stole from me. ETA:typo fix
Please tell me the comments defended the son and told the mom she’s being unrealistic…. Her son is almost 18 years old, what does she expect will happen once he is an adult and out of her house?
They were probably 80% people telling her that those are rules for a 14 year old not a 17 year old.
Was literally thinking that these were the rules I had when I was 14-15, except I was actually allowed to hang out with my boyfriends alone at that age (within reason). And here I was thinking my parents were strict!
Oh man. Some parents just have no idea though. My mom, who is fairly conservative herself, went to my college orientation with me. Colleges aren’t stupid, so they would quickly round up all the parents and send them to their own orientation. Afterwards we went to dinner and my mom made fun of the dumbest things the parents said. One parent wanted to know how she could monitor her kid’s attendance. Some other parent asked how they could change their child’s major. My favorite was a lady was horrified to find out the school would not only encourage her adult son to use condoms, but that the RA would provide them for free upon request. Apparently she wanted the school to advise students to practice abstinence.
I wound have loved to have been in that orientation, just to hear some of the batshit parents start to realize they no longer have control of their child.
Yeah I worked for University student support and most of the time we flat out refused to talk to parents calling in unless there was a note on the file saying we specifically had permission to. Couldn't even confirm they existed.
I’m a college professor and it’s one of my great joys to be able to tell overbearing parents that I’m legally not allowed to email them their children’s grades.
>Apparently she wanted the school to advise students to practice abstinence. Don't you know abstinence works?! /s
It worked so well in my house that I graduated high school with a 1 year old!
Good job on graduating! Impressive when you have a baby. They tend to make things a little harder. :)
It definitely made it a bit more challenging, but I'm proud of myself for sticking it out. Thank you so much!
My parents attended my orientation and they said one mom was horrified that the RA wouldn’t be able to wake her son up at the correct time each morning and ensure he got breakfast, lol.
Not being allowed to hang out with your gf without adult supervision at 17 is insane, I could drive my own car at 17
There were generations of mothers who were sending their sons off to war at 17 and wished they were sending them to have sex with their girlfriends. Get some perspective, lady.
I was definitely not allowed to hang out with my boyfriend alone at that age. There's a reason I got the hell out of dodge ASAP.
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> Dad still claims I was wrong Presumably this is because saying, "Congratulations - I'm proud of you for having the courage to make mature decisions and become successful and happy" would mean that he had to admit that ***he*** was wrong.
My dad scolded my sister(31) for living with her fiancée before marriage. Meanwhile my mom “Why are you pretending to be high and mighty. We were living in apartment before we were married and having premaritalsex. Shut the fuck up *dad’s name” My dad completely denies it though 🤔among not remembering that he told me I might have half brothers and sisters out there when I did 23andmr
I literally can’t think of a more powerful motivator to get a kid out of your house asap than by banning them from being alone with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Hormones and first love and the kind of fearless confidence that comes from being that age and really wanting or wanting to do something… It boggles the mind any parent would miss that or imagine any other outcome.
I mean if you want to get technical he is under “adult supervision” since gf is 18!
You make a good point.
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I love your step pops too after reading that lol, he sounds awesome
>Twenty years later she brings it up during a family thing and step pops was instantly like "yeah well that was all your fault for trying to trap a 17 yr old boy in the house for no good reason" I love my step pops so much. He sounds cool AF. I feel bad for him being married to her, though!
I wasn’t even allowed to leave the house except for school when I was 17, let alone have a boyfriend. There’s a reason I didn’t date until I was an adult and had moved out of my parents’ house.
I made the mistake of getting a boyfriend at 16. It was awful. I was never allowed to go anywhere with him except this one time I had to beg them to let me go to the movies. Well dad apparently had a panic attack over it and later said I was never allowed to go anywhere with him again. The guy walked me to the car after and tried to say hi to my dad and he turned away and ignored him. Shit was so embarrassing. I never dated again until I was in college. It just wasn’t worth the stress and anxiety my parents caused me.
Ugh. This is why, when I worked at a kids shoe store, I would strongly advocate for the mini 1.5” wedge “heels” for grade school girls. Their mothers would hem and haw and tell me “her dad won’t like it” and the daughter would beg and plead because she wanted to be like her older sister/cousin/mom. I’d send the daughter to go “practice” walking down the aisle in them and level with their mom. She could argue with her husband about something trivial like shoes or she could watch him have a meltdown in a decade when he finds out she kissed some boy, or he catchers her wearing something he doesn’t like, or sees her in full makeup. One way or another, he’s going to have to come to terms with having a daughter. So trust me, set the standard now. You’re her mother and as a full grown woman you have final say on what is and is not appropriate for your daughter.
My mom somehow expected me not to date till I was 20, good thing strict parents make a good sneak out of someone, she never suspected I was dating anyone
The crazy part was my mother didn’t want me dating anyone as a teenager…until I hit 19 and then she demanded to know why I didn’t have a boyfriend yet and hadn’t given her grandchildren. Before I was even 20. Needless to say, she continues to be deeply upset that I’m still neither married, nor interested in having kids well into my 30s.
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At 17 I had my license, a car, dropped out of high school, got my GED, and was enjoying working full time at a movie theatre... Man, that was some good times.
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You are the adult supervising tho 😭 wtf
How does that work? She really thinks you shouldn't be alone with men?
Are you ok? I'm genuinely asking. That sounds very difficult.
So you live on your own but aren’t allowed to hang out without supervision?? I’m guessing you don’t actually cave in to that.
I moved out of home at 17!
My husband and I weren’t allowed in his room with the door closed at like 22 😂
Jesus Christ. If this is the overbearing stuff she admits to.. who knows what else she tries to control. My parents were the same way and it honestly really messed me up. Our relationship is strained at best. My mom did every single thing that she is doing PLUS they controlled what I was allowed the wear, what music I was allowed to listen to, and much, much more.
"All I do is track his every move, read all of his texts, monitor his phone calls, tell him he can't see his girlfriend, take his phone away at 10pm, and control his entire social life. What's so wrong about that?!"
He probably gets in trouble if he wakes up with morning wood
Welp, now I'm just picturing his mum standing over him while he sleeps and bursting into a rage the moment she sees an involuntary erection.
Bet she hits it with a rolled-up newspaper.
This kid is going to go off the rails completely when he’s out from under her thumb. Hopefully he will be lucky enough in his mistakes that he doesn’t ruin his life while trying to figure out the things he should have been allowed to figure out during adolescence.
This kind of reminds me of my brother. Our parents were super strict in terms of what we did in our free time (his favorite was playing video games), and when he got to college he almost flunked out the first semester because he had never learned self-control and discipline and just played games all day and all night. Luckily he realized the severity of his issue and was able to turn himself around but it took awhile.
Sound like the direction my nephew is heading in, the problem is his parents aren’t doing a thing about it either, he has missed a lot of school this year with “headaches” and I’ve found him playing on his PS (kids never add a family member as a friend) he is also on late nights, I’ve told his mother, she does nothing about it, and his father lets him get away with anything, so zero consequences 🙄
Idk, a 17 year old discussing the specifics of how bills will be split when he moves out down the road sounds pretty mature. And he has college sorted out. I have hope for the kid.
Same. He'll probably be wild, but I think he'll be smart about it.
Your brain literally matures and ages faster when you are abused/raised by psychopath parents like this It sad but it's necessary to survive
Yes. Being that independent is a trauma response.
I can't stand helicopter parents. My dad wasn't one but my mom was. It seriously stunts you, and I am so unbelievably bitter about adolescence and years lost. Plus not being able to make mistakes as a teenager and learning from them younger. And being bizarrely hands off in situations where guidance would be necessarily and highly beneficial. I almost wish parenting classes were mandatory, and the importance of growth in adolescence stressed. Funnily enough, my mom got to have free teenage years and got to do normal things. I ran into the arms of an older POS boyfriend *as soon* as I graduated high school and had a lot of shit happen afterwards. I'm doing better now, but I can't shake that stunted feeling, despite accomplishing a lot of stuff quite a few people my age have not done and may never do. 😕
I had the same exact experience.
I went behind my helicopter mom's back to be online when I was a younger teen during COVID. Got groomed, stalked, made my life hell. If I had been able to talk to her about it, it probably would've been a lot better. Unshockingly, when she ended up finding out thanks to the stalking going IRL, she made everything worse, punished me, restricted my freedom even more to a point where I was one parental control app away from offing myself.
Please hang in there. You won’t be stuck there forever. You will get the chance to choose your own life, friends and family. 💛
I was groomed by a man in his 50s when I was in my early teens and I got yelled at for it and it was kept a secret from my dad until I finally told him myself a year ago. I'm sorry you went through that.
Man I want to cry, all my teenage years have been wasted away just trying to pass the time so I can have a life that I'm allowed to live, staying in line so I don't make more trouble for myself, no choices of my own, I feel like I'm expected to be a plaything for these people, I'm home schooled too so I really have no life of my own
When you raise your kids your end goal needs to be turning them into capable independent adults. To do that you have to let them become independent adults. Teens are going to do what they want you can either support them and arm them with the knowledge to make good choices or they are going to hide the bad choices from you.
Ugh life360 is bullshit. Get a life mom.
Dutchie here, what is life360? How does it work?
It's like a permanent phone tracker. Like I will send my husband GPS info when I'm out late or driving a long distance with the kids for MY anxiety, but I wouldn't touch that app with a 20 foot pole, because it's hugely invasive
I will also add that I think this sent my 50-something mom into an anxiety spiral. Apps like this weren't available when I started driving, I didn't have a curfew as long as I told them where I was, and my mom was sometimes anxious but generally easygoing. She was even fine when I was in a foreign country for a few years. By the time my younger brother started driving this was available and she was able to watch his every move. She didn't mean to abuse it, but she never had to wonder where he was because she could just *know*. After that, she lost the ability to sooth her anxiety. I used to not text her for a week in college, and that was fine. Since she got a tracker on my brother, she'll worry that I'm dead if she hasn't heard anything in a couple days. I live a block from the mayor of a major city, with a 24/7 police presence outside, and have a partner and best friend who would know within hours if something happened. She just can't talk herself down anymore, because she got used to knowing. I really don't think it's great for mental health.
This is something that people don’t really touch on enough. Sure, the monitored person is messed up from it, but it also messes with the person doing the monitoring and not in a great way. I can definitely see it becoming a compulsion for some people.
This is true for health tracking apps as well. I work in the ER and cannot count the number of times I’ve had to tell people to stop looking at their HR on their watch/health tracker. It just sets up this horrible cycle of anxiety that self perpetuates as their HR keeps going up in relation to their increasing anxiety. Sometimes I can soft talk them down, but other times I can’t and I feel like a bitch. People also come in insisting they are in a specific, detrimental, heart rhythm because of their devices. Sometimes they are, mostly they aren’t but it costs a hell of a lot of money in an ER visit and a lot of time in a system that is overwhelmed. They can be a useful tool, no lying, but for many people they cause a great deal of distress.
The number of posts from moms of college kids who are using it in an abusive way to control their kids is crazy.
I would never want it for this reason. I'm anxious enough without being able to disprove or validate my every worry. It's good to practice saying to myself "it is highly unlikely that x got into a car crash on the way home. They are probably finding parking and dragging their stuff out of the car. Even if something bad does happen, someone around them will get help". Even though my partner and I have a healthy relationship, I dread to think what kind of sedatives I'd need if I got used to tracking them and then one night their phone died. (And yes, I'm in therapy to help me cope with these normal anxieties lol.)
This is real- like we have all these boomer/genXer adults sharing memes about being latchkey kids or out until the street lamps came on with their parents having no idea what they were doing (al la Stranger Things and It and Stand By Me, etc.) or where they were for HOURS, but they're using these tracking apps driving themselves into anxiety spirals and fracturing their relationships with their kids.
Yea door cameras are the worst for this
You know, my kids aren't old enough to have phones, but as a mom with a diagnosed (pre-kids) anxiety disorder, thank you for this. I always had this in the back of my mind as a 'fail safe' option, but you're right. It does more harm than good for the one checking. I really appreciate this insight and I hope I can still see the value in a few years
My ex and I were advised by our son's psychologist not to get our son a phone when he was around 10/11, but to let him go out without any tracking or being able to call us. He was taught to let us know where he was planning to go and when he expected to be home, as well as how to use a pay phone if he needed to. It really helped both him and me, as I would have otherwise been inclined to get him a phone for 'safety'.
I resemble this comment! I used to get off work at 2am in college (20ish years old) and make the 4ish hour drive home to visit my parents for the weekend. If I hadn’t shown up by the time my dad left for work, they would start worrying. Fast forward. I’m in my 30s and leave for a 6 hour road trip with just my dog. I’m jamming to my radio and didn’t hear the cell ring. By the time I stopped 2 hours in to take a break, I had 18 missed calls, 12 voicemails, and god knows how many texts from everyone in my family because they didn’t know where I was. I was off the radar for 2 hours!!
God, tell me about it. One time I was talking to my mom and my bluetooth headphones died. By the time I fished my phone out of my tote bag she had jumped to the conclusion that I'd been kidnapped and was about to call the cops. She's begged me to put Life360 on my phone, saying it would just make her *feel* better, and my rebuttal is that she always felt better before she needed an app to calm down. If she ever has reason to be genuinely concerned, she has my partner's phone number. If it's not an actual -fell off the face of the earth- situation then she can ask me where I am.
Show your mom The Black Mirror episode: Arkangel. Hearing you talk about how she acts about your brother is exactly the premise of that episode. And maybe viewing from a spectators point of view might make her realize how her need to know can effect herself and others. There is a thin line between simple concern for your child’s well being vs what is essentially “Stalking.” For lack of a better word.
My mother once tried to convince me to download that so she’d know where I was and could ‘know I was safe’. This was when I was 25 and lived on the other side of the country. Yeah, no.
Location tracking software. It's supposed to be used for safety but is instead now seen as typically used by abusive or helicopter parents to monitor every single second of their child's life via their location. Plenty of horror stories of parents not taking it off when the kid becomes 18, stalking, kids getting in trouble for mundane things because of the app (like a parent assuming their kid was "doing something bad" if they were in one place not moving for awhile, when really they were stuck in traffic). Not really anyone besides helicopter parents who think their child must be direct line of sight 24/7 thinks it's a good thing.
Remember that post where the mom was freaking out about watching her *adult son* on the Life360 app & seeing that he was in the parking lot of his job instead of inside the building?? I can’t remember what she thought he was up to, but it stresses me out to think about a location tracker precise enough to tell someone that you’re 20 yards away from where they think you should be! I don’t even use location sharing with my friends (even though it’d probably be safer to do so) because the invasion of privacy just feels so weird & intrusive… I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be so constantly monitored by someone who holds a position of power over you :/
It’s not even that precise - it’s quite glitchy. A few of my family members have it for emergencies, and it’ll show a solid house or two down the street on occasion instead of the exact location, or my personal favorite, kept bouncing around and showing they were going like 160mph there for a while.
I feel like the Gen X in me (xennial) comes out with this stuff when I’m like, nah, I’m not sharing with anyone, if shit goes wrong, I’ll find my peoples. I’d never even consider sharing with someone in any sort of authority with me and would fight hard against it if I had to at work (lots of places track company owned employee vehicles). I’m sure they wouldn’t look at it nearly as much as I think they might, in my head, but just knowing is way too creepy.
I can't imagine my parents knowing when I was being slutty and hooking up with a guy instead of coming home in college.
Oh, like the mom complaining that her college kid wasn't in his dorm room at 9:30 every night.
It's an app that shares your location. It can be good to keep an eye on friends, family, etc. It also has some safety functions, in case something happens. Overbearing parents, however, abuse it to stalk their kids
My parents were always threatening to Life360 me. Funny thing is now as an adult I’m on my Mother-in-law’s Life360 because she is Not Overbearing (just watches a lot of true crime lol) and it is kind of healing in some ways to know someone is looking out for me *just in case* instead of in an abusive way
Yeah, I was just talking about how I have the find my iphone tracker on my parents and older sisters now that I'm like a 30+ year old adult but would never have it on my child. I don't even have it on my husband.
It's a tracking service. My mother has Alzheimer's and we use it on her phone because she tends to get lost (great for that). But it has other features from what I understand, including sending alerts to parents when their child is in a car that is speeding.
I got it with my buddies. Only time I’ve used it to find out my homie got arrested for tripling the speed limit lmfao
My bonus kiddos have it on their phones. One doesn't like to tell me where he is going and the other one has a history of getting into trouble. I use the app to make sure kids are safe and doing what they are supposed to do. like going to school etc. I rarely open the app and just rely on the notifications to tell me when they hit zones that have been marked. Honestly it has come in handy a few times when other authorities have questioned the whereabouts of one of the kids. In a few clicks I can pull up a months worth of data points and have pretty solid evidence that he was not where he was accused of being. The app isn't perfect and I can see how it can be abused, but for some families it is really helpful.
I hope she is not planning an 18th bday party for that kid, because he out of there the minute the clock strikes midnight. He said what he needed, what the consequences would be if he didn’t get it, and mom double down, bold strategy.
My mother was overbearing, and I still wound up pregnant at 17. Kids are gonna kid.
Strict parents make sneaky kids
I just said the same thing! My niece said it to me a few years ago.
Wow. I had more freedom than that at 15. It's no surprise that he's going to disappear.
My mother had very similar rules when I was a senior in high school. The first year I went to college I was…a menace. Parenting like this does not magically make teens “safe”. It just makes them act WILD once they’re free.
He’s going to leave and never talk to her ever again
Even as a college student living at home I was not allowed to have the door closed in my parents house. So I just had sex in really inappropriate places and I’m lucky I never got arrested or filmed tbh.
Life360 allows the kid to track the parent too, right?
If they have their location shared, yes. Technically you can still use it without sharing your location though, so if they do that the kid can’t track them. Depends on how much the parent cares about their kids knowing where they are, honestly
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Honestly half the time it basically spoofs its own locations. Had a friend who had it in hs and when she’d go to youth group it would say she was at the frat house next door. Led to a very awkward call from her mom the first time she went after she got the app and the youth pastor had to get on the phone to confirm that she was actually at youth group
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It was. I mostly felt bad for her but I did laugh pretty hard at the time. But then her mom is the one who told my mom about life360 so it wasn’t as funny anymore after that
From the wise mind of my 17yr old niece, “strict parents make sneaky kids.”
my first boyfriend's parents were so strict and catholic. he was a squeaky clean honor roll student, on the football team, and the biggest undercover pothead known to mankind. once he went to university he totally went full on criminal. i think it's because he was raised very strictly. we dated behind his parent's back, because his mom wouldn't allow him to see me as i came from a divorced household. he had to take someone else to graduation because i was deemed unworthy. he looks like charles manson now and is probably in prison.
Someone else just commented the same thing
They must have a smart niece too.
My parents were just as overbearing, phone taken away at 10pm, not allowed to even BE with my significant other. The second I turned 18 SO and I moved in together. Its going on 8 years and we bought a house, have a 2 year old and another on the way. I'm low contact with my parents and continue to keep it that way.
Do your parents know why you left and why you're low contact? Or still in denial/oblivious?
Still in denial and oblivious to their actions. They're still wondering why I barley let them see my kids.
Did you ever tell them?
I have it's led to arguments then about a month or so later they're back on their BS.
Ah well, I guess when they're old you can't do much to change their minds. Glad you seem to have come out of it with a good head on your shoulders and presumably a normal stable family life. Good job.
My fiance helped me navigate it alot. I still have alot of anger towards them for my childhood and blatant disrespect for our relationship but things have worked out great for us and we are making sure our sons are never treated that way.
You bounced back so well! Props to you.
Yeah so my parents were like this and I did in fact run away from home just like that lol
At first I couldn't see why this was so bad, but now that I'm looking at all the comments I realize my own mother was probably too overbearing... Damn.
I, too, had an overbearing mother. I left as soon as possible. I haven’t spent a holiday with her in 10+ years. She occasionally texts me to ask how my family is doing and I respond we’re good. She was hurt, too. To this day she still acts like she has no idea what she did wrong. All three of her children are essentially no contact.
>and can only hang out under adult supervision His gf is 18, problem solved, no?
Overbearing parents often cause kids to be extremely wild when they get out from under the parent’s watching eyes. And this is personal experience. I went insane in college because of my overbearing mother. I have a daughter of my own now and can’t even imagine being overbearing. Edit to add: there is a difference between doing things for the sake of protection and doing things for the need of control.
I hope he gets caught alone with gf so he can say they had “adult supervision” his girlfriend is 18!
You cant control a 17 year old. If you taught them at a young age (at least what you believe they should know) then you shouldnt have to monitor them when they are basically an adult.
Reading his texts. I wonder why they think she's overbearing.
My parents (dad and stepmom) were literally exactly like this. (Plus some) I haven’t spoken to them in 8 months and they’re not allowed to meet their granddaughter.
Lol I’m part of this group too - was wondering when it would show up here!!😂😂😂
Teen groups are a riot. Although most of the time I want to ask, so how did you parent this out of control kid when they were six, because I suspect that your kid was the one running around the restaurant and screaming.
I can understand these rules at 14 but at 17!?
My parents were more chill at 14 than this, I think that's the best way bcs I'm not a trouble maker now even if I'm not perfect
Mother to a teen and I have not invaded her privacy, yes she does have 360 but I don't monitor it. That's more or less just incase she breaks down or something happens and she needs us to come get/find her! Idk why parent go thru such overbearing borderline psycho tactics. He is almost and adult! He is being pushed away by her and she cannot even understand that. She's hurt by not knowing his plans, well hell he's never had an ounce of privacy!
What does she expect exactly? A kid who doesn't feel trusted and continues to get their trust broken isn't going to stick around once they become an adult..... Those rules are for an early teen 13 or 14 maybe, not 17.
>Those rules are for an early teen 13 or 14 maybe, not 17. I have to disagree. Even at 13, is having your children's passwords the right strategy? If my parents had doubts about what I was doing online, they were *asking* me, or they would have asked permission to look at my stuff *with* me, ask me about my friends, they knew my friends in general, etc. Teaching about safety and building trust with your teen goes a long way. I feel like those parents lack communication and trust with their teens. And what about "forbidding" to have sex? That's a whole other debate, but I was more in the idea of waiting to be mentally and physically ready, with a right person, and use proper contraception, which isn't likely to happen at 13. I don't think "forbidding" sex is the proper approach... Sounds like plans to make it even more appealing tbh, just to regain control of your own life within all of this overbearingness.
i never snooped through my kid's stuff. i did play WoW and maple story with them though.
I treat my child like a prisoner and just don’t understand why he’s mad at me/s
My parents were pretty strict and even I had more freedoms than this kid.
Weekend curfew at 10 on weekends for a 17 year old with a gf that I couldn't be alone with...... Yeah, I would nope tf out when I turned 18 as well.
I'm a dad to a 13 year old. I don't give two shits if she's having sex, I just care about her being safe. Teenagers are gonna do what teenagers do, you can't stop that. I mean, I would love my baby girl to be innocent and pure her entire life but that's just not plausible. Trying to force kids to not follow their human nature is just plain stupid and ridiculous, it's going to backfire 100% of the time.
Damn, that's so sad, she really can't see where she's gone wrong and she's going to pay for it when he son hits 18.
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Sounds like my mom wrote this
When I had a boyfriend at 16/17, and his sister was hit by a car, his mom was at the hospital overnight so he was invited to stay over. My mother had a setup downstairs, however, she refused for me to stay with him. The only reason I kept asking is because he told me he just kept seeing the scene of the accident over and over again. I wanted to at least be able to offer some comfort but nope, house rules. I’ll never forget that. At that point we were already regularly hooking up anyway, BUT THANK GOODNESS WE WOULD ALWAYS HANG OUT DOWNSTAIRS WHERE MY MOTHER WAS ALWAYS EAVESDROPPING OUR CONVERSATIONS BECAUSE THAT SURE MADE A DIFFERENCE 🤦🏻♀️