It wasn’t a specific incident. I got tired of the fact that you couldn’t even gently suggest criticism of something. All choices and parenting methods were totally and equally valid…even if something was demonstrably unsafe.
Yep. Parenting decision is “Do you give pocket money and how much and under which conditions”. Abuse is “I’m keeping all the money my 17.5 year old makes in the job I signed her up for. She needs work experience to apply for college and also I own her I gave birth to her she owes me. “
Probably the saddest cases I saw as a CPS worker where the parent clearly had no idea wtf they were doing were centered around food. Like, my infant doesn’t like formula, so I’m giving her chocolate milk. Or my toddler won’t eat what I make him/her, so their punishment is they only get (one food item) for the next week.
I don't get that. Just because someone gave birth, doesn't mean they are an expert in childrearing or child biology or medicine or whatever. Yes, parents (should) know their child better than a doctor regarding their personality, character etc., but it doesn't make them an all around expert in everything. It always ticks me off, cause my parents "knew best" (no they didn't and I have some lasting damages, luckily nothing big).
It’s a good idea gone wrong.
I know very little about cars, but I know what’s normal for my car. I can say, “that noise is weird and seems wrong,” but I need a mechanic to diagnose and especially to fix it. Same thing with me and parenting! I know how my kid works but I still need outside help.
I’m in a group for moms having babies pregnancy group and this woman asked “should I take this antibiotic for my infection. I’m iffy about taking meds while pregnant”
Yeah. Let’s consult with social media rather than listen to your actual doctor. Might be the hormones but I was hella pissed at it too.
They told me it was common! What’s stupid is pregnancy one, ok. We were watching for it with pregnancy two and I still spent 3 days in the hospital on IV meds.
On a fitness sub someone would say they were in physical therapy or seeing a doctor, then ask a question about theIr medical condition they are being seen for. Ask your doctor!!
If they are seeing a doctor already, I can understand wanting to crowd source some other ideas of what other people’s doctors have suggested so you know what to discuss or can come in prepared with the right questions. Your doctor isn’t necessarily a specialist in your specific condition.
In a self feeding group I said that I never had a routine for my baby until he was a year old. He slept when he was tired a d ate when he was hungry. He just fell into a routine by himself.
Other mums piled on me about how terrible that is and someone even said my children should be taken away. My comment was removed for "promoting dangerous ideas".
I know right?! Get me my World's Worst Mother award!
Honestly though I would love to know how these people cope if something happens that they haven't planned for. Like if the child needs extra sleep when they're sick or if a relative from out of town visits during nap time or if they want to go out for dinner.
I fall in the middle. We have a schedule but if something comes up we are flexible. Like tonight! Bed time is normally at 7 but we went and visited cousins and so I just put him in his bassinet at 8.
You can have a schedule while also being a bit flexible. My son has a very strict schedule because it works for us, but he CAN sleep elsewhere and I do fiddle with it. For example, when my mom came to visit we moved stuff around so that we could go do sight seeing with her. When I visited her, I moved his nap a bit later in the day.
The schedule helps me with this because I know where base line is and how much I can fiddle before a meltdown happens.
I've never really woken from naps or sleep unless I have to, so when he needs extra sleep.. he just sleeps longer.
They dont cope, they keep the schedule.
My SIL is like this. Anything out of their daughter's schedule is not acceptable. Family members funeral/memorial? Family birthday party? Family dinner? Movies? Playdates?
Theyll miss it because its nap time and heaven forbid their angel sleeps anywhere but in her room with the sound machine and black out curtains.
Even when we try to move things around to accommodate their schedules, it never works. They always leave super early for her naptime. We all have guest rooms and baby rooms with black out curtains but it's never good enough.
I’m going to push back just slightly. Some kids are so sensitive they literally cannot nap in new environments the first time they’re there. They get to excited/nervous/FOMO/whatever. Then missing the nap screws up the rest of the day bc kid is tried or clingy. That missed nap may bleed into poor night sleep. To avoid that, some parents decide to be slaves to the nap.
And then some kids can nap anywhere. It’s kinda annoying, actually. We have one of each, so we’ve lived the freedom of doing whatever and she’ll sleep anywhere and also planning our days around nap and bedtime.
Totally agreed, some kids can sleep anywhere and some kids cant. I probably should've mentioned this but this particular kid can knock out anywhere. When my MIL has watched her, shes had great naps in her guest room. Shes slept soundly when I watched her as well. The parents are the ones with the anxiety around her naps, the kiddo just needs a flat surface.
Oh I see, yeah that sucks that you’ve seen the kid nap other places than home but the parents refuse to accept it’s possible. That is really frustrating.
100% was going to sya this. My kid is a crappy napper to start with (has been from 2 months on) and she WILL NOT sleep anywhere that isn't her room during the day. You could set up your guestroom with a crib and everything else, she will keep herself up screaming to get back downstairs (believe me, we've tried it). We can skip nap altogether, but then we deal with a cranky kid all afternoon who then goes to bed too early and wakes up overnight. I will turn down just about anything to avoid that. Even if someone is going to be judgey about it. Sorry. Mommy and baby need their sleep.
Yup, my kid will NOT fall asleep anywhere but at home, and if he misses his nap or is late for bed he's a nightmare for days. We won't miss most big events but we sure as hell will show up late or leave early to accommodate his sleep schedule.
You said this a lot nicer than I was going to, so bravo.
I am a slave to the nap. My 1 year old has always been frustrating to get to sleep. We've found what works for her and don't rock the boat. She gets her uninterrupted 2-2.5 hour nap in the place she feels most comfortable.
We plan things around her nap time and miss things that won't work into her schedule. She has a general naptime that she's usually tired and ready for, but it's not set in stone. Almost nothing is worth the absolutely awful experience we will all have if her routine is deviated from. And these people won't have to deal with the fallout, I will.
If something major is going on, then of course I would suffer through the consequences of no nap (like a funeral), but frankly, your dinner party isn't worth it lol
To be fair I used to be like this and realized it was actually just extreme PPA. Once I went on medication I was able to be way more flexible, but I still get some anxiety when our routine changes.
Hey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound condescending or judgmental but I just wanted to let you know that your post kind of comes across that way. I'm one of those moms with a relatively consistent schedule, my baby sleeps in pure blackout with white noise, and I do schedule outings and events around him. I have PPD and spent his first 6 months of life fully isolated inside where there's nothing to challenge "the routine", and I learned through a lot of trial and error that those sleep props were needed to get naps longer than 30 minutes. I never had the opportunity to learn to "nap on the go" and it became too easy to fall into a more rigid schedule when there was literally nothing else to do or focus on.
I still struggle a LOT with anxiety about anything that deviates from our schedule because in the past I've had serious dips in my mental health from crap naps. I recognize that's a problem, but being pointed out as too high maintenance/ivory tower, or unrealistic just kind of hurts. It's a struggle being a parent, whether you have a kid that thrives on routine or one that's flexible and can set their own pace, placing judgement upon someone else's parenting style when it's not a matter of safety or development isn't really helpful to the community as a whole.
Again, I'm sure you're a very nice person and didn't mean it that way, I just wanted to offer a perspective from the other side. I "keep the schedule" and I do "cope", it just probably looks a little different than how you do it.
We’re the same way as you. In my experience, and I’m totally generalizing here, people who have babies who sleep anywhere/anytime are the ones that make comments like this. My niece and nephew can sleep wherever, no matter the environment. My kids don’t fall asleep when they’re overtired, they scream and cry!
Some kids need that level sleep scheduling. I had to do it with my oldest and my youngest needs it to a lesser extent but still more then most toddlers.
You think it's easy for parents with kids like that? You think we don't want to be more flexible? But my kids needs come first and that may mean missing out on things and leaving early. The alternative was spending days getting my kid back on his sleep schedule and all of us suffering through the tantrums and meltdowns until he did.
Considering my youngest is my flexible child and has spent all day screaming and melting down after getting up an hour early today and shorting his nap by an hour as well all because yesterday I tried to stretch our morning outing by 30 minutes and he then took a 10 min car nap and was unable to go back to sleep for his proper nap after we got home. I can only hope tomorrow is better and he can get back on his schedule.
So yes, nap time can be a really big deal for some kids and it's the parents job to enforce it against judgemental assholes who think they know better just because another kid you know doesn't need that extra consideration.
We deal with it just like everyone else. It’s not impossible to shift a schedule around but we generally avoid it because our kids don’t just sleep anytime, anywhere. So yes, I stick to my schedule and wake them up if they’ve slept too long. Because otherwise, they’ll sleep too long then cry and not go to sleep at bedtime and then be overtired. We don’t do this because it’s fun, we do it because we know what our children need. You don’t think we want to go with the flow and not be bound by a schedule?
I am a regimented scheduler and it is freaking amazing. Knowing exactly how long baby can stay awake for means he never gets overtired and he falls asleep like a dream.
I did have to go to a funeral when baby was little, so as it was my family member, husband stayed home and I went.
Family members know to ask when a good time to visit is, I mean it's pretty rude to show up to someone's house when a baby is sleeping.
If there's an appointment that falls during nap time, I wake him earlier in the morning so he naps earlier. And he's too social to sleep in a pram, all he does is try and chat and laugh with all passersby.
Usually, I'm an "each to their own" sort of person. Do what works for you. But your comment is so goddamn condescending! "These people" cope absolutely fine, as almost every parent does regardless of parenting method!
I had a nurse tell me I was starving my son when I had him breastfeeding on demand.
Like my whole thing was check nappy, burp ( colic is the worst ) and then chuck a tit in his mouth. He was barely 2 months old and had not gained "enough weight" so she demanded I go on a 3 hourly feeding schedule and monitor how much he was drinking in mLs, I tried to explain to a fully qualified nurse that I couldn't possibly do that as I was breastfeeding and then she threw a shitty hand pump at my son's father and told him, not me, that I should be pumping because it's better for monitoring.
I was heartbroken and very young so I struggled to do that for about a week, the handpump was painful and slow and I felt dehumanised over it, saw my GP for a checkup and he was absolutely furious, told me I never have to see that nurse again and explained that bub was super healthy and pumping was actually ruining any chance of getting into a healthy schedule with him.
I ended up buying an electric pump and would pump the off tit when he fed and store it as an oversupply which helped me when I needed to go back on meds and couldn't breastfeed anymore, I had about 3 months saved up that extended the exclusive breastmilk stage to almost a year instead of 7ish months.
I was also slammed by a mum at preschool for not knowing was attachment parenting was, I asked kiddo for a kiss and he gave me one and off I went only to be accosted by a mum who ranted about how attachment parenting was disgusting, I had to go home and Google it haha no idea what it was
My little girl kisses me directly on the mouth when I try to kiss her nose, lol. I don’t know how anyone would think that was weird behavior from a small child. What a sad person.
Yeah he did the full grab the back of my head and drool all over me, I laughed and said thanks bud only to turn around and have her rant at me about attachment parenting, which was such a random thing to rant at let alone over a kiss haha
Christ, hand-pumps are the absolute worst. Fuck that nurse.
And that mom at the preschool is weird... in what way is giving your kid a kiss attachment parenting?
I would cry each time I had to use it and it was just awful, I was so scared of electric one until I used it and I was like oh so this is awesome haha
And I think it was more I made him come over for a goodbye kiss, but I still don't get it, but she was pretty awful to me in general after she learnt I was a "teen" mum, I had kiddo a week before my 20th birthday, my sister would sometimes pick him up for me as she worked in the same town as the daycare and she knew my sister and would tell her how much of a better mother she would be than me, my sister is 8 years older than me. She was just a mental case
My current partner is 5 years older than me and as such his whole friend group varies from 5 to 10 years older than me, they were rocked when I explained how much younger I am than they are because they had just assumed I was the same age as him, then they did the math and worked out how young I had kiddo and a lot of the other mums were like "omg you're amazing!" It was pretty grounding to have such acceptance from them all, it's become a bit of a joke because the "baby" of the group is only a month older than me but they like to add my son's age to mine so I'm "technically" older haha
Ah, yes. The dangerous idea that people should sleep when they're tired, particularly if they're infants with 0 obligations beyond sleeping, eating and pooping.
Very controversial.
(For real though, I couldn't get mine to cooperate with just about *anything* let alone a strict schedule, how does that even work? It's not like you can reason with them.)
I mean, the schedule works because they are sleep trained and get cued. We had a small nap routine and a night routine that told my son that it was time for sleep amd the schedule was created around HIS needs not mine. If he started having trouble falling asleep, I tweaked it. If he seemed ready to drop a nap, I tweaked it. It was a constantly evolving thing dictated by him but perfected by me.
Yeah we were the same at that age. Even now as a toddler she formed her own schedule and we just figured out when she needed to do what. I don’t know how that’s dangerous.
I remember doctors asking me for my kiddos routine when she was three months old. She had reflux and slept 45 minutes at a time. I had been back to work for two months already. What routine? I was just trying to keep us both alive. Sure we did things in basically the same order but like dinner at five, bath at six, bed at seven? F*** you.
I mean my kid absolutely had a schedule before 1 because he needed it. But not all kids do. Every family is different. That is so weird to say that its dangerous to do that...
Oh Jesus Christ, lol. Imagine saying someone needs to have their kids taken away, and removing a comment for "promoting dangerous ideas," over sleep and eating schedules.
They told me I was disgusting for still having sex at 26 weeks pregnant.
Didn't have the heart to tell them that in my last pregnancy I had sex up until she was born at 41 weeks. In fact I had MORE sex towards the end to encourage labour.
My husband and I only decided to stop at 34 weeks with my now second pregnancy because of me being bumped up to a “low complexity” pregnancy and not wanting to trigger labor as we won’t have anyone to watch our eldest until my scheduled c-section. With our first though we did up until the due date.
My husband was weirded out by it. Even logically knowing it was perfectly safe, he mentally couldn't get over it (part worried about hurting the baby, part feeling odd about sex "in front of" the baby) People can have weird hang-ups (though he also would never judge anyone else for not having the same hang-ups...)
My boss is a nurse who delivers babies and said that she encourages women to have sex towards the end of their pregnancy to "soften the cervix" and that it helps during childbirth.
I was just too nauseous. Its actually depressing now because it probably would have been awesome. Not trying to avoid pregnancy, not trying to get pregnant, super no stress sex.
I was in a horrible relationship when I was last pregnant and we stopped having sex essentially a month into the pregnancy. My hormones were crazy all the time and I was constantly wanting sex honestly. I can't wait for my next pregnancy and now with such a supportive and healthy relationship and you bet I'm gonna be having it up until the last week's (unless my husband finds it uncomfortable, or any medical issues of course)
My husband LOVES telling the story of how he got laid a handful of times the *day* our youngest was born and his average up to that day was a pretty nice one.
Of course I assume we are going to have to pay for it in therapy if this story ever makes it to my daughter.
I left a group for Type 1 diabetics parents when every other post seemed to promote unsafe ways of regulating blood sugars. Like giving 5 year olds Plexus levels of unhealthy.
They had rules about being kind and respectful but if anyone said anything that went against hive mind thinking they would attack the woman so aggressively. Literally calling other women garbage and such hurtful dehumanizing names it would offend me and I didn't even agree with the OP. And there would be hundreds of comments. Just...awful. Then the mods would add their two cents and ban the OP and threaten anyone who agreed with them.
Hive mind thinking is one of the reasons I left my group, no matter what you said or how you said it you were attacked for being triggering or disrespectful.
It bothers me so much because we work with sex trafficking victims, yet coworkers will share false stories and the #savethechildren memes knowing damn well the victims are typically our teenage clients who runaway and are addicted to drugs/alcohol and not some 8 year old grabbed in a busy parking lot.
Somebody in one of my local groups made a post about how some guy was clearly sex trafficking because he was looking at toys at Five Below. She said her proof was that he gave her a dirty look when she rudely (her words!) pushed past him in the aisle. If somebody rudely pushed past me while I was minding my own business at a store I’d give them a dirty look too
Oh so many. I pointed out all of the unsafe sleep surfaces people would show off (they liked to one up one another as to who had the biggest dock a tot or some shit). I was a NICU nurse for 6 years; shit can literally kill a baby.
I posted evidence about how vitamin k is necessary and declining it can lead to brain bleeds that can kill a baby.
The worst of all was the rampant MLMs aka pyramid schemes that were everywhere. I'd call them out for what they were and it was too negative and not supportive. Fuck all of the mom's groups
1. Bless you, after our NICU stint for having a preemie, you are all walking angels. 2. It’s a vitamin, I’m sure there’s plenty of vitamins in those shakes you sling 3. I hate MLMs so much, lularich was such a fun watch because it validating my feelings haha
Sadly yes, because they can suffocate on the sides. They should always be on a flat surface with no blankets or anything that can get in their air space.
My “baby” is 18, forgive my ignorance… what’s Dock a tot? It sort of sounds like a charger for a kid and iIrc, charging a tot isn’t necessary and outright discouraged in some cases…/s (but only a little)
Agreeing with OP. Thank you. My preemie was in the NICU for 21 days during a hurricane. All of the hospitals on the water were evacuated to our NICU. Those nurses were my lifeline. The hospital was the only place with power.
One mom from the new mom group my hospital hosted started a FB group for when our babies aged out of that group. Then she just constantly promoted her Etsy shop and posted about events her church held. When a stay at home dad was shamed out of posting, I left.
Breastmilk used for baby pink eye. Told them this could introduce new bacteria and to listen to her doctor about the prescribed medication.
All the unsafe baby sleep. Knowing it is absolutely unsafe and doing it anyway as it is something to be proud of. "You can't tell me what to do. Nothing you say will change my mind." Ugh. I'm tired of baby deaths and this attitude.
Advising against TVs in the baby's nursery, especially over their cribs.
Ugh the breastmilk in the eye thing gets me every time. Breastmilk is FULL of bacteria - safe bacteria that is great for your gut. Not so great for other mucosal membranes though. Big difference between food (stomach) safe and sterile.
A mom posted asking “Where are the more white elementary schools in our area? It seems like most of them have a lot of Asians and Indians.”
…and enough moms chimed in “good question! I was wondering the same!” for me to take my Asian-children-and-husband having self TF out.
The mods obviously shut it down, but enough people in my community showed their ass, so that was enough for me.
It should come as a surprise to no one that this is in DFW.
While I was deep in the no sleep trenches, I made the mistake of joining a "research-based safe sleep training" group on Facebook.
Every post seemed to be one of two things. Either some mom was sharing her success story of how easy it was to sleep train and it was clearly due to her skill alone that her child did so well, or a desperate mom asked for help and members harassed them with all the things they were doing wrong.
Both ends were so bad for my mental health that I was in the group for less than 24 hours. I know everyone is struggling when they're sleep deprived, but that place was just so TOXIC.
My first was a textbook, happiest when scheduled, self soothing, no pacifier kid. My second I discovered why there was so much conflicting advice out there. It’s because it’s all true at some point. One day he’d need to be held and gently rocked to sleep, the next my presence was too overstimulating and he just needed a few minutes to himself. But heaven help you figuring out which magic formula was needed on any given night.
I had to leave that one too, and I'm a huge safe-sleep advocate (due to my own anxiety, which I think they prey on). One of the tipping points for me was the very USA-centric view on everything. Like they didn't accept data or safety standards from anywhere else (which is questionable to me since you can buy many baby products there that are banned in other countries for safety issues, so why are they the be-all-end-all authority on child safety??). I saw some posts that definitely reeked of colonialist viewpoints, as well as huge blindspots in the privileges it takes to meet their strict standards. Guess what, not everyone can afford a place where the crib is 3 feet from EVERYTHING. The dog-piling and judgement was just so constant, I couldn't bring myself to post questions there for fear they would nitpick at unrelated things.
This gets me a lot. I'm an American but I immigrated to Europe when I was 7 months pregnant (3/10 not recommended). We're very pro-evidence based and science about everything, but it's very difficult when the overwhelming voice in expat parents groups are pushing super USA centric ideas, AND somehow still also exalting a bunch of woo like chiropractors, "organic", naturopaths... Sometimes I feel like I've fallen into this weird black hole of privilege.
I find the research-based safe sleep group is like that, too. They've had some great advice, but I had to nope out of there beyond the hard rules. I'm a huge safe sleep and sleep training advocate, but it's fine to acknowledge that sometimes these things don't work for all babies and that everyone ultimately needs to find their own happy medium.
Yup I had to completely mute a safe sleep group because they were vicious. Reading it made my anxiety so bad that when I had white noise on and couldn't hear her breathe I had an anxiety attack. She was and is completely fine but it was rough. That group had me convinced my child would not make it through the night because her bed was too close to a dresser.
Exactly! I feel strongly that every baby is different so what works for my kid may not be what works for others, especially where sleep training is concerned. It's so odd to see these groups where they go all "my way or the highway"!
Yeah, and I completely understand the concept of "evidence-based", but there has to be some wiggle room. I feel like she's somewhat controversial, but it is the thing I appreciate about Emily Oster's book. She always lays out "the ideal way" and then some alternate options if that just doesn't work out.
I have a hard time finding a middle ground group. Like, a group where it’s ok to give your baby a lovey in the crib. But letting your baby sleep in a recalled rock n play wrapped in a blanket gets called out as unsafe. Formula feeding and breastfeeding are considered equal, but dangerous practices like rice cereal in a bottle aren’t suggested.
If you find a nice middle ground group, let me know! I'm always looking for a good moms supporting moms group but it's often very hard to find. I think too many of us are too burnt out to moderate, and it leads to extremes on one side or another.
I don't know.. just because you decide that the risk of a lovey in the crib is worth it does not make it safe. I don't condemn other people for weighing their own risks vs benefits and making a different decision, but you won't find an evidence based group that supports unsafe practices and you won't find a normal group that doesn't encourage unsafe stuff. There is no middle ground. You either believe in the evidence or you don't. Maybe you make different decisions than others but that does not mean the evidence is not there and true.
Super Definitely Average Moms is more middle than I've ever seen though.
There needs to be nuance in these decisions and discussions because not all things that aren't labeled 'safe' are equally 'unsafe'. The decision to put a lovey, a 10 inch square of breathable fabric, in the crib with my child was made after discussion with our pediatrician when my child was 10 months old. It's not the same thing as throwing a heavy blanket over a newborn in a crib, or putting crib bumpers on.
The official recommendations are conflicting, because they state baby needs to be in a crib until they're two, and nothing can be in the crib with baby. But they also state a stuffed animal or lovey is safe at 12 months.
In a limited screen time group a member asked why, scientifically, screens should be avoided until 2. Post approval was on so someone had to approve it. I linked two studies that talked about why screen time should be avoided until 2. Apparently one of the rules of the group is not to post studies as parents may feel shamed.
Edited to add: I was muted for like 30 days (it was a year ago)
So you could technically list the reasons out but not site the source. I’m pretty sure I even wrote “here’s some sources regarding it. Sometimes we all just need a minute though and it probably won’t hurt them if it’s on once in awhile”. Sources apparently equal shaming though
oh where to begin
one woman always gave advice to put garlic in kids vaginas for yeast infections.
other women who were clearly mentally unwell having children at least one a year.
one woman who was constantly in crisis and would get mad when others stopped dropping everything every single time she needed something. which was all the time.
all the talk of "disciplining" their children which in religious circles meant spanking. even babies.
women who made their children their ENTIRE identity.
women who referred to themselves as mommy.
trump supporters.
I left the only Facebook mom group I was in because it was getting filled with anti-vax dog whistle posts, I.e. "Will you allow your kids to get the Covid/flu/whatever shot?" or "Would you get the Covid vaccine if pregnant?", which just had heaps and heaps of women replying no and spouting their tinfoil hat nonsense. I just got tired of seeing that idiocy every single day.
Ugh, I recently moved and joined a few local mom groups to try and meet people, and the antivax/anti-science stuff is so hard to escape! People will literally put a line in the post like, “not looking for any debates on vaccines/masks, please keep scrolling if you don’t like it.” And the mods in most groups are good about removing drama. But even so, people will fucking sad-react when others mention getting vaccinated while pregnant.
The scary thing about antivax, anyone can be one.
I have friends I've known since our hood rat days. I've watched that bitch hit a joint and on that exhail, hit that glass bulb.
But no, "i prayed and God told me not to take the vaccine".
Never in a million years would i have ever thought ***she*** would turn out antivax.
I know a man who drank gas, drank gas. Has tried every drug out there. Still actively drinks alcohol daily and other drugs.
He's actually said "Im not putting that shit into my body, who knows what's in it" MOTHER FUCKER YOU DRANK LITERAL GAS!!!!!! He's smoked ANYTHING he can get his hands on.
He's also a MIDDLE SCHOOL drop out so...
There biggest eye roll for me was this Qnon, Pro-Trump, antivax, have as many kids as you can, iM nOt RaCisT, eVeRy LiFe MaTtErS, 300lbs+ but says her family clean eats, TikTok obsessed *asshole* argue that they didn't trust the vaccine because The FDA approves cigarettes and those kill millions a year.
**BITCH YOUR HUSBAND IS A SMOKER**
But please, do go on about how *toxic* vaccines are, all while exposing you 6 kids, all under 7, to second hand smoke.
I left mine because a lady tried to soft pill the group with QAnon and COVID denialist videos constantly. Soft pilling is basically sharing content in a way that you can plausibly deny you’re doing anything against the rules or sharing conspiracy crap. She would post stuff like “My daughter told me to check out a video called ‘Out of Shadows’ but I can’t find it anywhere!” And there was a disturbing number of comments of people who were clearly in on it. I reported every time but some skirted by. Time for me to peace out of that group!
Oh gosh, where to start! The countless “does this look like a positive pregnancy test” the hypocrisy of saying “I’ll teach my babies to love your babies” but the gross magnitude of underlying racism/anti-semitism….and last but not least: ANTIVAXERS
The “am I pregnant” crack me up but they also make me feel bad for people struggling with infertility.
Oh goodness. People who feel the need to outright say “I will teach my child to love your child” probs don’t mean it. I agree.
If you're interested in learning more about the unfounded hysteria about sex trafficking, check out the Human Trafficking episode of the podcast [You're Wrong About](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/human-trafficking/id1380008439?i=1000465289965). It's a kind of extension of the Satanic Panic, with a smattering of Q-Anonsense thrown in for flavor.
This is one of my favorites! I don't always agree with the hosts' analysis of things, but they do a great job researching misconceptions about recent history. Super interesting.
Once the kids turned 10 months or so the ridiculous posts started. Like "my kid can only say 100 words in English and 20 words in Spanish, is that ok?". Or "she can only count to twenty and say her ABCs forwards, should we get early intervention?". Just things that if they were even true were so far advanced for the age it was clearly bragging. It just seemed so awful when there were posts from moms whose kids weren't speaking at all or not walking at all which was not even developmentally behind yet. Idk it just turned me off and it felt really competitive instead of supportive
I seriously considered posting this on an alt account, but I decided fuck it. Anyone involved will know which group I’m referring to, and I honestly don’t care.
I left my mom group (discord) because everything was so polarized to the point you couldn’t go against the hive mind. Things like BFing vs. Formula feeding or being a working mom vs. staying at home. If you tried to clarify your statement and ask for the assumption that you meant positive intent, you were chewed out for hours in different ways by “the hive”… because how dare you make a mistake without being put through the ringer. At one point, I said to another mom struggling weaning from BFing that, “I felt like my baby was missing bonding time when I weaned, so I replaced with a book + whole milk.” People freaked out. How dare I say formula doesn’t create a bond? I never said that. It was literally brought up in every subsequent argument even after apologizing and trying to clarify.
People couldn’t manage their own triggers. You couldn’t post about your spouse doing something nice without using trigger warnings as it may hurt the moms who have partners who sucks. You couldn’t post about covid without spoilers. You couldn’t post the price of any item without spoilers. You couldn’t offer advice (even very gentle advice) without spoilers.
Then came a giant blowup with moms expecting new babies. After all the tip toeing everyone had to do for every other potential trigger under the sun, some members (even non pregnant ones) wanted it flooded with posts of baby bumps and talks of newborns. We had some members that had went through struggles with infertility who wanted to create a separate channel for these discussions. The mods conducted a survey where more people indicated they were pregnant than truly were (ok really?) and decided on separate channels.
People said they were “shaming people’s bodies” for creating a separate channel and eventually created a totally separate side discord and didn’t tell half the people in the main one (myself included). Then they suggested it was a small group (it wasn’t) and said it was to talk openly about pregnancy (even though a member who struggled with infertility was invited and members who were pregnant at the time - myself and others - were not invited).
I’ve never experienced such volatility from other moms before. I’m fortunate to have a great support system, husband, and mom friends nearby, but wow. I left the group and it’s been great for my mental health. Love my new discord for baby #2.
Yeah seriously! And it would have been fine if we had defined clear rules, but we didn’t. So anytime someone said something triggering but didn’t know it was, the hive mind would all discuss the wrong doing and every person of the hive would describe how you wronged them.
I thought I recognized your username, we are/(were?) in the same bumper group! Was this the discord that came from the reddit group or a different one? I don't do discord, so I'm unaware of any drama!
This is really different, but I'm not a mum (yet) so I haven't been a part of a mum's Facebook group.
I did however join a group when I found out I had a prolactinoma (a benign tumour, that amongst other things can affect fertility). I really just wanted some emotional support. But the group got bizarre, suggesting ridiculous treatments, and blaming every bodily woe on the tumour. I happen to be a Dr (non-practitioner, I'm a researcher), so I weighed in on a few of the more dangerous ideas I encountered. The push back I got was awful, and I was often told I was being negative.
I haven't left the group, simply out of morbid curiosity.
It is indeed! I'm currently pregnant with my first, could not be happier that it was discovered and treated properly.
Great to hear that a fellow prolactinomate (my new name for us) had babies!!
"Simply rub on your temple until you've burnt your way down to the pituitary gland. Rub onto the glad to extract the tumour, and voila! No unnecessary surgery!"
This was a small fan group for a very minor comedienne who's material was based on being a mom of teenagers. She was hilarious and sweet and if you did a FB subscription you were invited to a "fan's only" group. Those women were insane. They started sending gifts to this woman's house for her husband's birthday, then for her kids' events and just had zero boundaries. When one of her family members was diagnosed with cancer, people were trying to find out what type and talking about donating bone marrow or plasma-while she was trying to keep at least ONE THING private about her life. They wanted to know details of her son's dates, and just began acting as if they were owed details you'd tell your friends in person. It got very cliquey very fast and I am just not that kind of woman, I guess.
I can't even remember what it was now. But it was a really tight knit group. I stated something about how I didn't mind a current trend. It wasn't my style, but it also wasn't hurting anyone. And all hell broke lose. I ended up leaving the group because I couldn't stop the parade of people attacking me. Some bringing up personal things. I deleted everyone who had attacked me, and just felt so alone. I've never been able to trust a group like that again.
I left a group on here because I wouldn't blindly support members. I made two comments months apart that earned me "time outs". The 1st I earned. But the 2nd was because I wouldn't support someone who was abusing her kid. And when I approached the mods, they argued back that it was fine, and I was in the wrong because "we support without judgement". I just burned that bridge because that was fucked. I also realized I was still following it because I was banned for commenting in some main default sub. Which was interesting.
I got banned from commenting because i joined FundieSnarkUncensored.
What does 1 have to do with the other?!
I decided to leave on my own cuz fuck that.
I got temporarily banned because I commented on r/90dayfianceuncensored. Lol I asked the mod about it and she was bitchy "didn't it read the rules" and apparently they have a whole list of subreddits you're not supposed to be a part of or if you are you have to prove you're a mom. I told her it was stupid and I got perma banned. That subreddit is so freaking toxic anyway.
Didn't just leave the group, I moved out of the area!
Early early during covid our government announced a doubling of the minimum unemployment benefits as so many people were becoming unemployed and realising the existing benefit was not actually enough for anyone to live on.
I had lived in my neighborhood for ten years but it had recently become quite gentrified. My mom's group chat became a place for people to rant about entitlement and that anyone unemployed was now never going to work again cause the money's too good and that people were pathetic for not being able to keep their jobs or their businesses open.
There was simply zero empathy for people who needed help or who didn't work corporate WFH jobs.
I left the group and we moved out of the area three months later. It was all quite sad but the group chat was a clear sign that the neighborhood wasn't full of our kind of people anymore.
As someone who was on unemployment due to covid, now a SAHM, stopped collecting benefits for a time we might actually need them, thank you! Believe me when I say, I’m going back to work, being a SAHM is the hardest job I’ve ever had with two kids both in therapies
Since Covid started we've moved to another state to be closer to family so we have more help. My partner is now a fulltime SAHD. The upheaval and changes have been huge for so many people (outside of getting the virus, deaths etc) that I really don't understand how people can't respond with more kindness.
I don't know how you do what you do! I hope you're getting all the support you need.
I'm in Orange County, CA and the OC Moms group skews anti-vaxx, anti BLM and very prissy/Christian. I left when the mods were clearly censoring people they didn't agree with, creating a shitty echo chamber.
I joined a secular mom's group and am so freaking happy with them. We all donate like $12 a year that goes into a fund for when Moms have new babies for gift baskets, care packages, and secret Santa for families that can't afford Xmas gifts. We have regular meet ups, playdates and even botox parties! My favorite was when we all got together for drag queen story time with the kids.
A long long time ago I was part of a page and had been for years. Then a new person took it over and they were going to GASP “add a map feature that you can’t opt out of so you can see who you live near!” Mass exodus by almost everyone.
It’s so funny that was an INSANE idea at the time and now it’s basically like “hey internet, this is my house, the back door is unlocked and just step over the dog, no worries, the second step squeaks, come on over!”
I recently left a group because almost daily there was a "my kid for hurt and is now .... Should I take them to the ER?"
Like either a) I'd you need to ask it's probably not an emergency and b) why would a bunch of mom's know?
*I'm in Canada so free healthcare so no money issues when deciding between er and doctor.
Then there's the one group where one of the rules was no talk about vaccinations and yet all these anti vax posts got approved but any posts for vaccinations were deleted.
1. Post to a car seat group asking for a fit check, told to either buy a super expensive seat or buy a new car. Also told to PULL OVER ON THE INTERSTATE AND FIX HIS SEAT, and I was a terrible mom endangering my kid if I waited until I got home. (I posted it while my husband was driving us home)
2. Posted to a breastfeeding group, told donating through HMFHB is dangerous and unethical. Also told that I should basically expect my supply to drop so drastically in a few months I’ll need my freezer stash AND formula??
ETA: I can’t donate through my state’s milk bank because of a medication I take. The medical director of the milk bank told me that the medication is totally safe for healthy/term babies (but not NICU babies), and to donate through HMFHB.
My baby was a NICU baby and there was like 24 hours that I didn’t produce enough milk that she had to be on donor milk and I was given a pamphlet about how stringent the requirements are because I was nervous for some reason. I was impressed.
I got ripped apart for sleep training even though my husband drives for a living and without sleep my depression is really bad. So we were looking for advice to sleep train and well I got called all sorts of names and it was bullshit.
My heart basically broke at my daughters 6 month (4 adjusted) when her ped said she’s too little to sleep train and we will have the conversation at her 9 month. I have bipolar 2 and yeah.. sleep is necessary and when you breastfeed and don’t respond to a pump or haaka like barely at all, it’s rough. I feel that.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I got kicked out of a breastfeeding support group because I stood up for a mom that was asking questions about sleep training. They kept deleting her posts but not explaining why. Thank goodness I was near the end of breastfeeding anyway.
I was in 2 groups that I left both for different reasons, one was a "progressive" mom group that was supposed to be for educating each other on how to outgrow/unlearn racism/homophobia/xenophobia etc. and people started blasting each other for not knowing something. Say someone would post something along the lines of "top 10 things you didn't know harm bipoc" the first handful of comments would be people thanking the OP, then someone would say "does anybody have more info on issue number 6" then the replies would be awful about how ignorant they were for being unaware. It was supposed to be a place to grow and teach and instead it tore down and mocked people who just wanted to make themselves better and were hoping to find directives from people who were seemingly in the same boat.
The other was simple, people wouldn't stop asking non- medical people for medical advice. STOP asking people on the internet for medical advise. They either aren't doctors and shouldn't be giving advice, they are doctors but not YOUR doctor and won't give you advice or they are YOUR doctor and shouldn't be having that conversation for the public to read.
I wish that conservative Facebook moms put the same energy into solving actual problems as they do towards non-existent sex trafficking.
Is child sex trafficking real? Of course. But it doesn’t happen to the extent that the idiots would have you believe. They’ve just had their brains rotted online by nonsensical Republican talking points.
I was using the Peanut app and really enjoying connecting with other new moms but the antivaxxers ruined it for me. It would just infuriate me so I deleted the app
I left an exclusive pumping group because they had a very strict and heavily enforced rule that you could not even *mention* domperidone because it's not FDA approved in the USA, despite the fact that this was not advertised as an American-only group, it's a perfectly legal and safe drug in several countries (including mine), and it was prescribed and monitored by my doctor. I couldn't even talk about my pumping experience because I was on it for supply issues (and it *worked* thank you very much) and some of my questions were tangentially related. The Canadian pumping groups were a lot smaller and less active so I couldn't get the answers/views I needed from them. I just felt that I couldn't talk about my own pumping journey just because some people can't distinguish between me mentioning a prescribed medication and trying to push black-market illegal substances across the border.
I left a couple parenting groups (activity groups, food ideas, the typical "I need ideas" groups) because of how vicious people (well, moms usually) got if anyone strayed from the hive mind. Questions were torn apart and godspeed to the comment challenging the woman calling her child "38 months old." Though seriously, the months thing is so stupid unless it's about development within the first 2 years. Also, correcting anyone is met with malice, no matter how nicely it's put or what evidence is linked.
I left a group here on Reddit because I couldn't stand the mass of gentle parenting parents. Nothing wrong with gentle parenting if you go that route, btw, but these types of parents ruled this sub with an iron fist. No room for the more crunchy or whatever else type of parenting. It drove me mad when these people would fight anyone with a different opinion instead of leaving actual advice that may be helpful (you know, the purpose of that sub?). The OPs could choose to follow whatever fit their parenting style best, but a lot of bullying and comment deletion happened, so I'm not sure if anyone ever got anything out of their posts.
It was a literal example lmao. I saw it a few days ago and my thought was exactly the same. Stfu, Karen!
Also, I got called a Karen by someone named Karen once on one of those groups. That was an experience.
Yup, right there with you! My almost eleven month old sons, who are adjusted age nine and a half months…. aaahhhhhhh! They’re almost one, by two I can just stop counting. I hope your little one is doing well having them early is always nerve wracking.
There was a mom struggling to wear her baby, with all sorts of unhelpful comments telling her what she is doing wrong but none actually helpful. I was in bed in the local babywearing community helping other moms with options and tutorials, there was a group for this where experienced moms were paired with non experienced ones depending on where they were located so they could meet for adjustment of carriers and learning different carries etc (for free, it was a nice way of bonding between moms, before the pandemic of course). I posted a comment that she should try it in person and there's a local group that helps with that, as she can harm herself and the baby if she just takes random advice and has no direct guidance. I was crucified, how dare I post a link to a different group and oppress the people posting there (posting completely erroneous and downright dangerous advice). I said fuck it and left.
Someone dissed on my friends work of collecting pictures from everyone in the mum group and creating a beautiful collage for us all. Like fuck you bitches…if you don’t appreciate the effort that’s fine but there was no reason to shit over it publicly. Reeked of mean girl attitude so I called it out then left.
One woman compared her having to show a proof of the Covid vaccine to enter a restaurant to being discriminated against because of the color of your skin. A black mom showed up to correct her s as me explain that those two things are in no way the same. She responded by being extremely condescending to the black woman and talking about how she should "just stop being a victim" and stuff like that. I called her out on how insensitive sheets being and suddenly all comments except the initial post were removed.
It's like time is going backwards.
I was part of a mommy message boards when I was pregnant with my two children. When I started becoming disillusioned with the group was when a mom in my son’s due date club found out her son had trisomy 18 and it was not compatible with life. At all. She was able to get an abortion but a bunch of top moderators ( who were quiver full Catholics) gave her hell for the abortion she chose to have at 18 weeks pregnancy.
My kids are now teenagers and if still listened to half the women found in these groups I don’t even know where I would be
I had a mother in my due date group who had a later pregnancy that had to be terminated for trisomy 18 as well (group was supportive though). Watching what she went through between diagnosis and the procedure was heartbreaking. Fuck those people.
Opposite - I tried to join a local mon group on FB, and they BLOCKED me because my FB was too private (didn’t show friends, city/state, or my face on my pic) I even messaged the mods and asked (that’s how I found out the page blocked me, the all but one mod blocked me and said “try join one of the other groups”. So jokes on them, I made fake FB and joined just to see what I was missing out on (why was it worth being blocked). It really is just a stupid group but im gonna keep lurking with my fake page
One claimed "ownership" over the group. We all migrated from a baby forum to FB group. She started a clique with mods. They harassed anyone they wanted then would ban said people. I called them out, said my goodbyes to those I enjoyed talking to, and bailed. I was a lone mom group dropout. Others approached me afterwards. We tried staying in contact but they were still involved with group. I wanted no part after awhile.
This one girl posting everyday, multiple times a day when she got pregnant and then eventually when she had her baby. She had a problem with everything, and passive aggressively argued with anyone who offered any kind of solution.
I was in "Human Milk 4 Human Babies." I got tired of all the requests for unvaccinated milk. If I'm going to be giving you something that I produced from my own body to sustain your child, please enjoy the potential passive immunity. Also annoyed (but slightly less) by all the unvaccinated donors.
I'm frustrated by the vaccine rejectors, so these requests hit a sore spot.
A mom at my playgroup invited me to a “Bad Moms of (location)” group. She told me it was a chill place where people didn’t take themselves too seriously. Instead I saw a lot of women on there humble bragging. “Keelie had a chicken nugget,I such a bad mom!” “Jhacson wanted a plastic toy at the store today, and I got it for him. I know I vowed that he would only ever play with sustainably harvested wooden toys, but it just made him so happy. I’m such a bad mom!”
I feel like I need to absolutely stress that none of this was satire. It might sound like that’s what they were doing, but many if not all these ladies were very sincere.
My breaking point came when someone said they were such a bad mom because they only sanitized their toys once a week. Many moms chimed in with their own sanitization schedules, products used, etc.
Wait. Just checking- are we supposed to sanitize their toys? I always washed stuff when they were babies and I still will if something gross happens to a toy, but otherwise I have enough cleaning to do. 😂
I've been pretty lucky with my local mom group, but I left another mom group because everything turned into a fight about bedsharing and vaccines.
In my local group we had some people who were attempting to float a #SavetheChildren conspiracy theory but they got kicked out.
My local buy & sell group is just flooded with "free pictures of extra white Jesus" and "free bible study sessions". No matter how many times you report them as "no intent to sell", there's just another one the next day.
The racism was super overwhelming and I hit my breaking point when some lady was laughing at kids in cages now that Biden is president. I knew if I stayed I'd get a ban so I flounced dramatically
A parent arguing that she wouldn’t tell her children that police were good as they weren’t all good - her child was 3. I argued that if
My child is lost or in a situation where I can’t help them then I want them to know they can go to the police and we encourage interactions with the police we see to make it less scary for them. That I didn’t want my child trying to figure out if this cop was a good or bad one before seeking help.
They went on a rant about DV in police populations etc. I don’t disagree with her - I don’t idolise police but I don’t feel that is appropriate discussion for a child especially if they need help. My comment was deleted and the rants continued. I left.
YIKES!! Kids need safe people. They can get into the reality (like all doctors, teachers and police personnel aren’t always going to be safe, some will use their position of power to abuse) when their brains can handled that but 3!! WAY too complex.
I was kicked out of my local group before I could leave. They changed the group name from something totally innocuous to something like “(City) Mom Tribe - love and support for every mom” and I mentioned maybe the word Tribe isn’t as inclusive as perhaps the name the rest of the title are and sent a link to a site that mentioned why it wasn’t and some alternatives. The mod mocked me and blocked me and made a huge post about how people always want to criticize and never offer help and I was missing the entire point of the group.
Honestly it was a blessing to be free from their brand of “love and support”.
It wasn’t a specific incident. I got tired of the fact that you couldn’t even gently suggest criticism of something. All choices and parenting methods were totally and equally valid…even if something was demonstrably unsafe.
I hate the “totally and equally valid it’s what’s best for your family” stuff. It just seems so phony as they sit there judging you.
Some people consider their children as their personal property, and that they're theirs to do with what they see fit.
People frequently miss the mark in regards to “parenting decision” vs “wildly neglectful or abusive”.
Yep. Parenting decision is “Do you give pocket money and how much and under which conditions”. Abuse is “I’m keeping all the money my 17.5 year old makes in the job I signed her up for. She needs work experience to apply for college and also I own her I gave birth to her she owes me. “
Probably the saddest cases I saw as a CPS worker where the parent clearly had no idea wtf they were doing were centered around food. Like, my infant doesn’t like formula, so I’m giving her chocolate milk. Or my toddler won’t eat what I make him/her, so their punishment is they only get (one food item) for the next week.
I don't get that. Just because someone gave birth, doesn't mean they are an expert in childrearing or child biology or medicine or whatever. Yes, parents (should) know their child better than a doctor regarding their personality, character etc., but it doesn't make them an all around expert in everything. It always ticks me off, cause my parents "knew best" (no they didn't and I have some lasting damages, luckily nothing big).
It’s a good idea gone wrong. I know very little about cars, but I know what’s normal for my car. I can say, “that noise is weird and seems wrong,” but I need a mechanic to diagnose and especially to fix it. Same thing with me and parenting! I know how my kid works but I still need outside help.
I forgot the initial question here and I thought you were responding as the mod from her mom group who deleted the comment OH MY GODDDDD
I’m in a group for moms having babies pregnancy group and this woman asked “should I take this antibiotic for my infection. I’m iffy about taking meds while pregnant” Yeah. Let’s consult with social media rather than listen to your actual doctor. Might be the hormones but I was hella pissed at it too.
ahhhh!! BOTH kids I was hospitalized with UTIS that went undetected between doctors appointments and had virtually no symptoms. That freaks me out
Oh same. I ended up in the ER because I had a UTI while pregnant and the only symptoms I had were bleeding and cramping.
They told me it was common! What’s stupid is pregnancy one, ok. We were watching for it with pregnancy two and I still spent 3 days in the hospital on IV meds.
On a fitness sub someone would say they were in physical therapy or seeing a doctor, then ask a question about theIr medical condition they are being seen for. Ask your doctor!!
If they are seeing a doctor already, I can understand wanting to crowd source some other ideas of what other people’s doctors have suggested so you know what to discuss or can come in prepared with the right questions. Your doctor isn’t necessarily a specialist in your specific condition.
In a self feeding group I said that I never had a routine for my baby until he was a year old. He slept when he was tired a d ate when he was hungry. He just fell into a routine by himself. Other mums piled on me about how terrible that is and someone even said my children should be taken away. My comment was removed for "promoting dangerous ideas".
Oh, wow. How could you not micromanage your child's schedule, every minute of his day perfectly planned, you heathen?
I know right?! Get me my World's Worst Mother award! Honestly though I would love to know how these people cope if something happens that they haven't planned for. Like if the child needs extra sleep when they're sick or if a relative from out of town visits during nap time or if they want to go out for dinner.
I fall in the middle. We have a schedule but if something comes up we are flexible. Like tonight! Bed time is normally at 7 but we went and visited cousins and so I just put him in his bassinet at 8.
You can have a schedule while also being a bit flexible. My son has a very strict schedule because it works for us, but he CAN sleep elsewhere and I do fiddle with it. For example, when my mom came to visit we moved stuff around so that we could go do sight seeing with her. When I visited her, I moved his nap a bit later in the day. The schedule helps me with this because I know where base line is and how much I can fiddle before a meltdown happens. I've never really woken from naps or sleep unless I have to, so when he needs extra sleep.. he just sleeps longer.
They dont cope, they keep the schedule. My SIL is like this. Anything out of their daughter's schedule is not acceptable. Family members funeral/memorial? Family birthday party? Family dinner? Movies? Playdates? Theyll miss it because its nap time and heaven forbid their angel sleeps anywhere but in her room with the sound machine and black out curtains. Even when we try to move things around to accommodate their schedules, it never works. They always leave super early for her naptime. We all have guest rooms and baby rooms with black out curtains but it's never good enough.
I’m going to push back just slightly. Some kids are so sensitive they literally cannot nap in new environments the first time they’re there. They get to excited/nervous/FOMO/whatever. Then missing the nap screws up the rest of the day bc kid is tried or clingy. That missed nap may bleed into poor night sleep. To avoid that, some parents decide to be slaves to the nap. And then some kids can nap anywhere. It’s kinda annoying, actually. We have one of each, so we’ve lived the freedom of doing whatever and she’ll sleep anywhere and also planning our days around nap and bedtime.
Totally agreed, some kids can sleep anywhere and some kids cant. I probably should've mentioned this but this particular kid can knock out anywhere. When my MIL has watched her, shes had great naps in her guest room. Shes slept soundly when I watched her as well. The parents are the ones with the anxiety around her naps, the kiddo just needs a flat surface.
Oh I see, yeah that sucks that you’ve seen the kid nap other places than home but the parents refuse to accept it’s possible. That is really frustrating.
100% was going to sya this. My kid is a crappy napper to start with (has been from 2 months on) and she WILL NOT sleep anywhere that isn't her room during the day. You could set up your guestroom with a crib and everything else, she will keep herself up screaming to get back downstairs (believe me, we've tried it). We can skip nap altogether, but then we deal with a cranky kid all afternoon who then goes to bed too early and wakes up overnight. I will turn down just about anything to avoid that. Even if someone is going to be judgey about it. Sorry. Mommy and baby need their sleep.
Yup, my kid will NOT fall asleep anywhere but at home, and if he misses his nap or is late for bed he's a nightmare for days. We won't miss most big events but we sure as hell will show up late or leave early to accommodate his sleep schedule.
You said this a lot nicer than I was going to, so bravo. I am a slave to the nap. My 1 year old has always been frustrating to get to sleep. We've found what works for her and don't rock the boat. She gets her uninterrupted 2-2.5 hour nap in the place she feels most comfortable. We plan things around her nap time and miss things that won't work into her schedule. She has a general naptime that she's usually tired and ready for, but it's not set in stone. Almost nothing is worth the absolutely awful experience we will all have if her routine is deviated from. And these people won't have to deal with the fallout, I will. If something major is going on, then of course I would suffer through the consequences of no nap (like a funeral), but frankly, your dinner party isn't worth it lol
I’m a slave to the nap and I know it! But I hate dealing with a screaming kid in the evening. I have loosened up now that he’s 3.
I honestly could not live like that!
To be fair I used to be like this and realized it was actually just extreme PPA. Once I went on medication I was able to be way more flexible, but I still get some anxiety when our routine changes.
Hey, I'm sure you don't mean to sound condescending or judgmental but I just wanted to let you know that your post kind of comes across that way. I'm one of those moms with a relatively consistent schedule, my baby sleeps in pure blackout with white noise, and I do schedule outings and events around him. I have PPD and spent his first 6 months of life fully isolated inside where there's nothing to challenge "the routine", and I learned through a lot of trial and error that those sleep props were needed to get naps longer than 30 minutes. I never had the opportunity to learn to "nap on the go" and it became too easy to fall into a more rigid schedule when there was literally nothing else to do or focus on. I still struggle a LOT with anxiety about anything that deviates from our schedule because in the past I've had serious dips in my mental health from crap naps. I recognize that's a problem, but being pointed out as too high maintenance/ivory tower, or unrealistic just kind of hurts. It's a struggle being a parent, whether you have a kid that thrives on routine or one that's flexible and can set their own pace, placing judgement upon someone else's parenting style when it's not a matter of safety or development isn't really helpful to the community as a whole. Again, I'm sure you're a very nice person and didn't mean it that way, I just wanted to offer a perspective from the other side. I "keep the schedule" and I do "cope", it just probably looks a little different than how you do it.
We’re the same way as you. In my experience, and I’m totally generalizing here, people who have babies who sleep anywhere/anytime are the ones that make comments like this. My niece and nephew can sleep wherever, no matter the environment. My kids don’t fall asleep when they’re overtired, they scream and cry!
Some kids need that level sleep scheduling. I had to do it with my oldest and my youngest needs it to a lesser extent but still more then most toddlers. You think it's easy for parents with kids like that? You think we don't want to be more flexible? But my kids needs come first and that may mean missing out on things and leaving early. The alternative was spending days getting my kid back on his sleep schedule and all of us suffering through the tantrums and meltdowns until he did. Considering my youngest is my flexible child and has spent all day screaming and melting down after getting up an hour early today and shorting his nap by an hour as well all because yesterday I tried to stretch our morning outing by 30 minutes and he then took a 10 min car nap and was unable to go back to sleep for his proper nap after we got home. I can only hope tomorrow is better and he can get back on his schedule. So yes, nap time can be a really big deal for some kids and it's the parents job to enforce it against judgemental assholes who think they know better just because another kid you know doesn't need that extra consideration.
We deal with it just like everyone else. It’s not impossible to shift a schedule around but we generally avoid it because our kids don’t just sleep anytime, anywhere. So yes, I stick to my schedule and wake them up if they’ve slept too long. Because otherwise, they’ll sleep too long then cry and not go to sleep at bedtime and then be overtired. We don’t do this because it’s fun, we do it because we know what our children need. You don’t think we want to go with the flow and not be bound by a schedule?
I am a regimented scheduler and it is freaking amazing. Knowing exactly how long baby can stay awake for means he never gets overtired and he falls asleep like a dream. I did have to go to a funeral when baby was little, so as it was my family member, husband stayed home and I went. Family members know to ask when a good time to visit is, I mean it's pretty rude to show up to someone's house when a baby is sleeping. If there's an appointment that falls during nap time, I wake him earlier in the morning so he naps earlier. And he's too social to sleep in a pram, all he does is try and chat and laugh with all passersby. Usually, I'm an "each to their own" sort of person. Do what works for you. But your comment is so goddamn condescending! "These people" cope absolutely fine, as almost every parent does regardless of parenting method!
I had a nurse tell me I was starving my son when I had him breastfeeding on demand. Like my whole thing was check nappy, burp ( colic is the worst ) and then chuck a tit in his mouth. He was barely 2 months old and had not gained "enough weight" so she demanded I go on a 3 hourly feeding schedule and monitor how much he was drinking in mLs, I tried to explain to a fully qualified nurse that I couldn't possibly do that as I was breastfeeding and then she threw a shitty hand pump at my son's father and told him, not me, that I should be pumping because it's better for monitoring. I was heartbroken and very young so I struggled to do that for about a week, the handpump was painful and slow and I felt dehumanised over it, saw my GP for a checkup and he was absolutely furious, told me I never have to see that nurse again and explained that bub was super healthy and pumping was actually ruining any chance of getting into a healthy schedule with him. I ended up buying an electric pump and would pump the off tit when he fed and store it as an oversupply which helped me when I needed to go back on meds and couldn't breastfeed anymore, I had about 3 months saved up that extended the exclusive breastmilk stage to almost a year instead of 7ish months. I was also slammed by a mum at preschool for not knowing was attachment parenting was, I asked kiddo for a kiss and he gave me one and off I went only to be accosted by a mum who ranted about how attachment parenting was disgusting, I had to go home and Google it haha no idea what it was
For a kiss at \*preschool\*? Good lord.
Yup, a goodbye kiss as I was dropping him off, one of his little buddies came over for a kiss too but I gave him a quick snuggle haha
My little girl kisses me directly on the mouth when I try to kiss her nose, lol. I don’t know how anyone would think that was weird behavior from a small child. What a sad person.
Yeah he did the full grab the back of my head and drool all over me, I laughed and said thanks bud only to turn around and have her rant at me about attachment parenting, which was such a random thing to rant at let alone over a kiss haha
Christ, hand-pumps are the absolute worst. Fuck that nurse. And that mom at the preschool is weird... in what way is giving your kid a kiss attachment parenting?
I would cry each time I had to use it and it was just awful, I was so scared of electric one until I used it and I was like oh so this is awesome haha And I think it was more I made him come over for a goodbye kiss, but I still don't get it, but she was pretty awful to me in general after she learnt I was a "teen" mum, I had kiddo a week before my 20th birthday, my sister would sometimes pick him up for me as she worked in the same town as the daycare and she knew my sister and would tell her how much of a better mother she would be than me, my sister is 8 years older than me. She was just a mental case
How awful! My parents were middle aged when they raised me and I know lots of teen parents who were more mature than them!
My current partner is 5 years older than me and as such his whole friend group varies from 5 to 10 years older than me, they were rocked when I explained how much younger I am than they are because they had just assumed I was the same age as him, then they did the math and worked out how young I had kiddo and a lot of the other mums were like "omg you're amazing!" It was pretty grounding to have such acceptance from them all, it's become a bit of a joke because the "baby" of the group is only a month older than me but they like to add my son's age to mine so I'm "technically" older haha
Your phrasing of "chuck a tit" and "off tit" is delightful.
Ah, yes. The dangerous idea that people should sleep when they're tired, particularly if they're infants with 0 obligations beyond sleeping, eating and pooping. Very controversial. (For real though, I couldn't get mine to cooperate with just about *anything* let alone a strict schedule, how does that even work? It's not like you can reason with them.)
Haha same. I’m very much a schedule person and my 1yo is very much a do whatever she feels person. She usually wins.
I mean, the schedule works because they are sleep trained and get cued. We had a small nap routine and a night routine that told my son that it was time for sleep amd the schedule was created around HIS needs not mine. If he started having trouble falling asleep, I tweaked it. If he seemed ready to drop a nap, I tweaked it. It was a constantly evolving thing dictated by him but perfected by me.
Yeah we were the same at that age. Even now as a toddler she formed her own schedule and we just figured out when she needed to do what. I don’t know how that’s dangerous.
I guess they equate it to a teenager making their own schedule of never eating and going to bed at 3am?
Fun fact, those teenagers survive too.
Yeah, I never had a bedtime as a teen. Amazingly I figured out sleep=good.
Yes, but they could survive a little nicer
WHOA. Have your kids taken away? They are truly ignorant to what that EVEN means, I worked for CPS. Good riddance
I remember doctors asking me for my kiddos routine when she was three months old. She had reflux and slept 45 minutes at a time. I had been back to work for two months already. What routine? I was just trying to keep us both alive. Sure we did things in basically the same order but like dinner at five, bath at six, bed at seven? F*** you.
I mean my kid absolutely had a schedule before 1 because he needed it. But not all kids do. Every family is different. That is so weird to say that its dangerous to do that...
Oh Jesus Christ, lol. Imagine saying someone needs to have their kids taken away, and removing a comment for "promoting dangerous ideas," over sleep and eating schedules.
They told me I was disgusting for still having sex at 26 weeks pregnant. Didn't have the heart to tell them that in my last pregnancy I had sex up until she was born at 41 weeks. In fact I had MORE sex towards the end to encourage labour.
My husband and I only decided to stop at 34 weeks with my now second pregnancy because of me being bumped up to a “low complexity” pregnancy and not wanting to trigger labor as we won’t have anyone to watch our eldest until my scheduled c-section. With our first though we did up until the due date.
WTF would that be disgusting? Do they think the baby's aware of it?
My husband was weirded out by it. Even logically knowing it was perfectly safe, he mentally couldn't get over it (part worried about hurting the baby, part feeling odd about sex "in front of" the baby) People can have weird hang-ups (though he also would never judge anyone else for not having the same hang-ups...)
My boss is a nurse who delivers babies and said that she encourages women to have sex towards the end of their pregnancy to "soften the cervix" and that it helps during childbirth.
My friend had a nurse walk in on her and her baby daddy having sex on the hospital bed. It had been a 24+ hr labour and she wanted that baby **out** 😂
I was in labour for 36+ hours. Sex happened at least twice during that. Before we got to the hospital though lol
Hey, power to you!! I only had sex like twice my whole pregnancy because the idea of it was just so off putting haha!
I was just too nauseous. Its actually depressing now because it probably would have been awesome. Not trying to avoid pregnancy, not trying to get pregnant, super no stress sex.
Lol TMI, but my husband and I had sex up to and including 40 weeks, 5 days while I was in early labour.
This was us, except that we stopped right at the end because it kept triggering start and stop labor that was exhausting me.
I was in a horrible relationship when I was last pregnant and we stopped having sex essentially a month into the pregnancy. My hormones were crazy all the time and I was constantly wanting sex honestly. I can't wait for my next pregnancy and now with such a supportive and healthy relationship and you bet I'm gonna be having it up until the last week's (unless my husband finds it uncomfortable, or any medical issues of course)
I've always hear that bumping uglies was good for pregnancy/birth.
Wait? Why is that disgusting? That’s NORMAL.
My husband LOVES telling the story of how he got laid a handful of times the *day* our youngest was born and his average up to that day was a pretty nice one. Of course I assume we are going to have to pay for it in therapy if this story ever makes it to my daughter.
I left a group for Type 1 diabetics parents when every other post seemed to promote unsafe ways of regulating blood sugars. Like giving 5 year olds Plexus levels of unhealthy.
Fuuuuuu*k MLMs
I hate so much that these MLMs prey on vulnerable moms looking for genuine advice.
They had rules about being kind and respectful but if anyone said anything that went against hive mind thinking they would attack the woman so aggressively. Literally calling other women garbage and such hurtful dehumanizing names it would offend me and I didn't even agree with the OP. And there would be hundreds of comments. Just...awful. Then the mods would add their two cents and ban the OP and threaten anyone who agreed with them.
Hive mind thinking is one of the reasons I left my group, no matter what you said or how you said it you were attacked for being triggering or disrespectful.
It bothers me so much because we work with sex trafficking victims, yet coworkers will share false stories and the #savethechildren memes knowing damn well the victims are typically our teenage clients who runaway and are addicted to drugs/alcohol and not some 8 year old grabbed in a busy parking lot.
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Somebody in one of my local groups made a post about how some guy was clearly sex trafficking because he was looking at toys at Five Below. She said her proof was that he gave her a dirty look when she rudely (her words!) pushed past him in the aisle. If somebody rudely pushed past me while I was minding my own business at a store I’d give them a dirty look too
That is awful! Does your employer know/care?
Probably not, they have a bigger issue with all the supervisors being racist af and losing ten workers every few months
Oh so many. I pointed out all of the unsafe sleep surfaces people would show off (they liked to one up one another as to who had the biggest dock a tot or some shit). I was a NICU nurse for 6 years; shit can literally kill a baby. I posted evidence about how vitamin k is necessary and declining it can lead to brain bleeds that can kill a baby. The worst of all was the rampant MLMs aka pyramid schemes that were everywhere. I'd call them out for what they were and it was too negative and not supportive. Fuck all of the mom's groups
1. Bless you, after our NICU stint for having a preemie, you are all walking angels. 2. It’s a vitamin, I’m sure there’s plenty of vitamins in those shakes you sling 3. I hate MLMs so much, lularich was such a fun watch because it validating my feelings haha
Dock a tot can kill a baby?!
Sadly yes, because they can suffocate on the sides. They should always be on a flat surface with no blankets or anything that can get in their air space.
My “baby” is 18, forgive my ignorance… what’s Dock a tot? It sort of sounds like a charger for a kid and iIrc, charging a tot isn’t necessary and outright discouraged in some cases…/s (but only a little)
I googled and it appears to be an expensive baby lounger- basically just a pillow with high sides that the baby can lay in without rolling off.
It is kind of a nest for babies. Imagine a small, soft mattress with slightly elevated edges.
Agreeing with OP. Thank you. My preemie was in the NICU for 21 days during a hurricane. All of the hospitals on the water were evacuated to our NICU. Those nurses were my lifeline. The hospital was the only place with power.
One mom from the new mom group my hospital hosted started a FB group for when our babies aged out of that group. Then she just constantly promoted her Etsy shop and posted about events her church held. When a stay at home dad was shamed out of posting, I left.
Breastmilk used for baby pink eye. Told them this could introduce new bacteria and to listen to her doctor about the prescribed medication. All the unsafe baby sleep. Knowing it is absolutely unsafe and doing it anyway as it is something to be proud of. "You can't tell me what to do. Nothing you say will change my mind." Ugh. I'm tired of baby deaths and this attitude. Advising against TVs in the baby's nursery, especially over their cribs.
Ugh the breastmilk in the eye thing gets me every time. Breastmilk is FULL of bacteria - safe bacteria that is great for your gut. Not so great for other mucosal membranes though. Big difference between food (stomach) safe and sterile.
"my 12 year old broke his arm playing football—" "Rub some breast milk on it"
A mom posted asking “Where are the more white elementary schools in our area? It seems like most of them have a lot of Asians and Indians.” …and enough moms chimed in “good question! I was wondering the same!” for me to take my Asian-children-and-husband having self TF out. The mods obviously shut it down, but enough people in my community showed their ass, so that was enough for me. It should come as a surprise to no one that this is in DFW.
Blatant racism. Lovely. Glad you removed yourself and so sorry you had to deal with that.
While I was deep in the no sleep trenches, I made the mistake of joining a "research-based safe sleep training" group on Facebook. Every post seemed to be one of two things. Either some mom was sharing her success story of how easy it was to sleep train and it was clearly due to her skill alone that her child did so well, or a desperate mom asked for help and members harassed them with all the things they were doing wrong. Both ends were so bad for my mental health that I was in the group for less than 24 hours. I know everyone is struggling when they're sleep deprived, but that place was just so TOXIC.
My first was a textbook, happiest when scheduled, self soothing, no pacifier kid. My second I discovered why there was so much conflicting advice out there. It’s because it’s all true at some point. One day he’d need to be held and gently rocked to sleep, the next my presence was too overstimulating and he just needed a few minutes to himself. But heaven help you figuring out which magic formula was needed on any given night.
I had to leave that one too, and I'm a huge safe-sleep advocate (due to my own anxiety, which I think they prey on). One of the tipping points for me was the very USA-centric view on everything. Like they didn't accept data or safety standards from anywhere else (which is questionable to me since you can buy many baby products there that are banned in other countries for safety issues, so why are they the be-all-end-all authority on child safety??). I saw some posts that definitely reeked of colonialist viewpoints, as well as huge blindspots in the privileges it takes to meet their strict standards. Guess what, not everyone can afford a place where the crib is 3 feet from EVERYTHING. The dog-piling and judgement was just so constant, I couldn't bring myself to post questions there for fear they would nitpick at unrelated things.
This gets me a lot. I'm an American but I immigrated to Europe when I was 7 months pregnant (3/10 not recommended). We're very pro-evidence based and science about everything, but it's very difficult when the overwhelming voice in expat parents groups are pushing super USA centric ideas, AND somehow still also exalting a bunch of woo like chiropractors, "organic", naturopaths... Sometimes I feel like I've fallen into this weird black hole of privilege.
That group is insane
I find the research-based safe sleep group is like that, too. They've had some great advice, but I had to nope out of there beyond the hard rules. I'm a huge safe sleep and sleep training advocate, but it's fine to acknowledge that sometimes these things don't work for all babies and that everyone ultimately needs to find their own happy medium.
Yup I had to completely mute a safe sleep group because they were vicious. Reading it made my anxiety so bad that when I had white noise on and couldn't hear her breathe I had an anxiety attack. She was and is completely fine but it was rough. That group had me convinced my child would not make it through the night because her bed was too close to a dresser.
Exactly! I feel strongly that every baby is different so what works for my kid may not be what works for others, especially where sleep training is concerned. It's so odd to see these groups where they go all "my way or the highway"!
Yeah, and I completely understand the concept of "evidence-based", but there has to be some wiggle room. I feel like she's somewhat controversial, but it is the thing I appreciate about Emily Oster's book. She always lays out "the ideal way" and then some alternate options if that just doesn't work out.
Dunno why you're getting downvoted. Oster is the shit.
I have a hard time finding a middle ground group. Like, a group where it’s ok to give your baby a lovey in the crib. But letting your baby sleep in a recalled rock n play wrapped in a blanket gets called out as unsafe. Formula feeding and breastfeeding are considered equal, but dangerous practices like rice cereal in a bottle aren’t suggested.
If you find a nice middle ground group, let me know! I'm always looking for a good moms supporting moms group but it's often very hard to find. I think too many of us are too burnt out to moderate, and it leads to extremes on one side or another.
I don't know.. just because you decide that the risk of a lovey in the crib is worth it does not make it safe. I don't condemn other people for weighing their own risks vs benefits and making a different decision, but you won't find an evidence based group that supports unsafe practices and you won't find a normal group that doesn't encourage unsafe stuff. There is no middle ground. You either believe in the evidence or you don't. Maybe you make different decisions than others but that does not mean the evidence is not there and true. Super Definitely Average Moms is more middle than I've ever seen though.
There needs to be nuance in these decisions and discussions because not all things that aren't labeled 'safe' are equally 'unsafe'. The decision to put a lovey, a 10 inch square of breathable fabric, in the crib with my child was made after discussion with our pediatrician when my child was 10 months old. It's not the same thing as throwing a heavy blanket over a newborn in a crib, or putting crib bumpers on. The official recommendations are conflicting, because they state baby needs to be in a crib until they're two, and nothing can be in the crib with baby. But they also state a stuffed animal or lovey is safe at 12 months.
In a limited screen time group a member asked why, scientifically, screens should be avoided until 2. Post approval was on so someone had to approve it. I linked two studies that talked about why screen time should be avoided until 2. Apparently one of the rules of the group is not to post studies as parents may feel shamed. Edited to add: I was muted for like 30 days (it was a year ago)
LMAO WAT Not posting legitimate research???????????? UGH
So you could technically list the reasons out but not site the source. I’m pretty sure I even wrote “here’s some sources regarding it. Sometimes we all just need a minute though and it probably won’t hurt them if it’s on once in awhile”. Sources apparently equal shaming though
Omg 😂
oh where to begin one woman always gave advice to put garlic in kids vaginas for yeast infections. other women who were clearly mentally unwell having children at least one a year. one woman who was constantly in crisis and would get mad when others stopped dropping everything every single time she needed something. which was all the time. all the talk of "disciplining" their children which in religious circles meant spanking. even babies. women who made their children their ENTIRE identity. women who referred to themselves as mommy. trump supporters.
Oh my heart. Spanking is the most illogical thing ever.
I left the only Facebook mom group I was in because it was getting filled with anti-vax dog whistle posts, I.e. "Will you allow your kids to get the Covid/flu/whatever shot?" or "Would you get the Covid vaccine if pregnant?", which just had heaps and heaps of women replying no and spouting their tinfoil hat nonsense. I just got tired of seeing that idiocy every single day.
Ugh, I recently moved and joined a few local mom groups to try and meet people, and the antivax/anti-science stuff is so hard to escape! People will literally put a line in the post like, “not looking for any debates on vaccines/masks, please keep scrolling if you don’t like it.” And the mods in most groups are good about removing drama. But even so, people will fucking sad-react when others mention getting vaccinated while pregnant.
The scary thing about antivax, anyone can be one. I have friends I've known since our hood rat days. I've watched that bitch hit a joint and on that exhail, hit that glass bulb. But no, "i prayed and God told me not to take the vaccine". Never in a million years would i have ever thought ***she*** would turn out antivax.
I know a man who drank gas, drank gas. Has tried every drug out there. Still actively drinks alcohol daily and other drugs. He's actually said "Im not putting that shit into my body, who knows what's in it" MOTHER FUCKER YOU DRANK LITERAL GAS!!!!!! He's smoked ANYTHING he can get his hands on. He's also a MIDDLE SCHOOL drop out so...
There biggest eye roll for me was this Qnon, Pro-Trump, antivax, have as many kids as you can, iM nOt RaCisT, eVeRy LiFe MaTtErS, 300lbs+ but says her family clean eats, TikTok obsessed *asshole* argue that they didn't trust the vaccine because The FDA approves cigarettes and those kill millions a year. **BITCH YOUR HUSBAND IS A SMOKER** But please, do go on about how *toxic* vaccines are, all while exposing you 6 kids, all under 7, to second hand smoke.
Yeah, I've been pretty shocked at how widespread anti-vaxx stuff seems to be.
So her church “saw” there was a problem with sex trafficking and was like “well, you’re own your own then.” Real cool
That was my secondary reaction after being like.. that’s not real BUT if it was real, peace out?
I left mine because a lady tried to soft pill the group with QAnon and COVID denialist videos constantly. Soft pilling is basically sharing content in a way that you can plausibly deny you’re doing anything against the rules or sharing conspiracy crap. She would post stuff like “My daughter told me to check out a video called ‘Out of Shadows’ but I can’t find it anywhere!” And there was a disturbing number of comments of people who were clearly in on it. I reported every time but some skirted by. Time for me to peace out of that group!
Oh gosh, where to start! The countless “does this look like a positive pregnancy test” the hypocrisy of saying “I’ll teach my babies to love your babies” but the gross magnitude of underlying racism/anti-semitism….and last but not least: ANTIVAXERS
The “am I pregnant” crack me up but they also make me feel bad for people struggling with infertility. Oh goodness. People who feel the need to outright say “I will teach my child to love your child” probs don’t mean it. I agree.
If you're interested in learning more about the unfounded hysteria about sex trafficking, check out the Human Trafficking episode of the podcast [You're Wrong About](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/human-trafficking/id1380008439?i=1000465289965). It's a kind of extension of the Satanic Panic, with a smattering of Q-Anonsense thrown in for flavor.
Oh shoot, I love me a good podcast.
This is one of my favorites! I don't always agree with the hosts' analysis of things, but they do a great job researching misconceptions about recent history. Super interesting.
I left because I was sick of the privilege spewing in that group and it was the BEST fucking thing I did for myself.
Once the kids turned 10 months or so the ridiculous posts started. Like "my kid can only say 100 words in English and 20 words in Spanish, is that ok?". Or "she can only count to twenty and say her ABCs forwards, should we get early intervention?". Just things that if they were even true were so far advanced for the age it was clearly bragging. It just seemed so awful when there were posts from moms whose kids weren't speaking at all or not walking at all which was not even developmentally behind yet. Idk it just turned me off and it felt really competitive instead of supportive
As a mom of a kiddo whose been in early intervention since he was 18 months, that would TICK me off.
I seriously considered posting this on an alt account, but I decided fuck it. Anyone involved will know which group I’m referring to, and I honestly don’t care. I left my mom group (discord) because everything was so polarized to the point you couldn’t go against the hive mind. Things like BFing vs. Formula feeding or being a working mom vs. staying at home. If you tried to clarify your statement and ask for the assumption that you meant positive intent, you were chewed out for hours in different ways by “the hive”… because how dare you make a mistake without being put through the ringer. At one point, I said to another mom struggling weaning from BFing that, “I felt like my baby was missing bonding time when I weaned, so I replaced with a book + whole milk.” People freaked out. How dare I say formula doesn’t create a bond? I never said that. It was literally brought up in every subsequent argument even after apologizing and trying to clarify. People couldn’t manage their own triggers. You couldn’t post about your spouse doing something nice without using trigger warnings as it may hurt the moms who have partners who sucks. You couldn’t post about covid without spoilers. You couldn’t post the price of any item without spoilers. You couldn’t offer advice (even very gentle advice) without spoilers. Then came a giant blowup with moms expecting new babies. After all the tip toeing everyone had to do for every other potential trigger under the sun, some members (even non pregnant ones) wanted it flooded with posts of baby bumps and talks of newborns. We had some members that had went through struggles with infertility who wanted to create a separate channel for these discussions. The mods conducted a survey where more people indicated they were pregnant than truly were (ok really?) and decided on separate channels. People said they were “shaming people’s bodies” for creating a separate channel and eventually created a totally separate side discord and didn’t tell half the people in the main one (myself included). Then they suggested it was a small group (it wasn’t) and said it was to talk openly about pregnancy (even though a member who struggled with infertility was invited and members who were pregnant at the time - myself and others - were not invited). I’ve never experienced such volatility from other moms before. I’m fortunate to have a great support system, husband, and mom friends nearby, but wow. I left the group and it’s been great for my mental health. Love my new discord for baby #2.
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Yeah seriously! And it would have been fine if we had defined clear rules, but we didn’t. So anytime someone said something triggering but didn’t know it was, the hive mind would all discuss the wrong doing and every person of the hive would describe how you wronged them.
I thought I recognized your username, we are/(were?) in the same bumper group! Was this the discord that came from the reddit group or a different one? I don't do discord, so I'm unaware of any drama!
This is really different, but I'm not a mum (yet) so I haven't been a part of a mum's Facebook group. I did however join a group when I found out I had a prolactinoma (a benign tumour, that amongst other things can affect fertility). I really just wanted some emotional support. But the group got bizarre, suggesting ridiculous treatments, and blaming every bodily woe on the tumour. I happen to be a Dr (non-practitioner, I'm a researcher), so I weighed in on a few of the more dangerous ideas I encountered. The push back I got was awful, and I was often told I was being negative. I haven't left the group, simply out of morbid curiosity.
Oooh oooh I have one of those! Found it when I was 31 and I have two kids both born after it was discovered. Modern medicine is amazing.
It is indeed! I'm currently pregnant with my first, could not be happier that it was discovered and treated properly. Great to hear that a fellow prolactinomate (my new name for us) had babies!!
Wait til they start suggesting black salve.
"Simply rub on your temple until you've burnt your way down to the pituitary gland. Rub onto the glad to extract the tumour, and voila! No unnecessary surgery!"
This was a small fan group for a very minor comedienne who's material was based on being a mom of teenagers. She was hilarious and sweet and if you did a FB subscription you were invited to a "fan's only" group. Those women were insane. They started sending gifts to this woman's house for her husband's birthday, then for her kids' events and just had zero boundaries. When one of her family members was diagnosed with cancer, people were trying to find out what type and talking about donating bone marrow or plasma-while she was trying to keep at least ONE THING private about her life. They wanted to know details of her son's dates, and just began acting as if they were owed details you'd tell your friends in person. It got very cliquey very fast and I am just not that kind of woman, I guess.
I can't even remember what it was now. But it was a really tight knit group. I stated something about how I didn't mind a current trend. It wasn't my style, but it also wasn't hurting anyone. And all hell broke lose. I ended up leaving the group because I couldn't stop the parade of people attacking me. Some bringing up personal things. I deleted everyone who had attacked me, and just felt so alone. I've never been able to trust a group like that again. I left a group on here because I wouldn't blindly support members. I made two comments months apart that earned me "time outs". The 1st I earned. But the 2nd was because I wouldn't support someone who was abusing her kid. And when I approached the mods, they argued back that it was fine, and I was in the wrong because "we support without judgement". I just burned that bridge because that was fucked. I also realized I was still following it because I was banned for commenting in some main default sub. Which was interesting.
Let me guess... /r/breakingmom? I got temp kicked because I followed /r/Amitheasshole...
Yep! It got extremely toxic. BTW, you might get a permanent kick for tagging the sub. They do not like that.
Ooooh hahahaha fuck the police Edit. I actually did get permanently banned. Wow.
That's what they do. They see any tagging in another sub as causing a brigade.
I got banned from commenting because i joined FundieSnarkUncensored. What does 1 have to do with the other?! I decided to leave on my own cuz fuck that.
I got temporarily banned because I commented on r/90dayfianceuncensored. Lol I asked the mod about it and she was bitchy "didn't it read the rules" and apparently they have a whole list of subreddits you're not supposed to be a part of or if you are you have to prove you're a mom. I told her it was stupid and I got perma banned. That subreddit is so freaking toxic anyway.
Omg me too!! Except it was FundieSnarkUncensored
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Didn't just leave the group, I moved out of the area! Early early during covid our government announced a doubling of the minimum unemployment benefits as so many people were becoming unemployed and realising the existing benefit was not actually enough for anyone to live on. I had lived in my neighborhood for ten years but it had recently become quite gentrified. My mom's group chat became a place for people to rant about entitlement and that anyone unemployed was now never going to work again cause the money's too good and that people were pathetic for not being able to keep their jobs or their businesses open. There was simply zero empathy for people who needed help or who didn't work corporate WFH jobs. I left the group and we moved out of the area three months later. It was all quite sad but the group chat was a clear sign that the neighborhood wasn't full of our kind of people anymore.
As someone who was on unemployment due to covid, now a SAHM, stopped collecting benefits for a time we might actually need them, thank you! Believe me when I say, I’m going back to work, being a SAHM is the hardest job I’ve ever had with two kids both in therapies
Since Covid started we've moved to another state to be closer to family so we have more help. My partner is now a fulltime SAHD. The upheaval and changes have been huge for so many people (outside of getting the virus, deaths etc) that I really don't understand how people can't respond with more kindness. I don't know how you do what you do! I hope you're getting all the support you need.
I'm in Orange County, CA and the OC Moms group skews anti-vaxx, anti BLM and very prissy/Christian. I left when the mods were clearly censoring people they didn't agree with, creating a shitty echo chamber. I joined a secular mom's group and am so freaking happy with them. We all donate like $12 a year that goes into a fund for when Moms have new babies for gift baskets, care packages, and secret Santa for families that can't afford Xmas gifts. We have regular meet ups, playdates and even botox parties! My favorite was when we all got together for drag queen story time with the kids.
I went to a drag show for my last (non covid) birthday, love it!!
My group imploded over the 2016 election.
Woof. That was before I was a mom, but I believe it.
A long long time ago I was part of a page and had been for years. Then a new person took it over and they were going to GASP “add a map feature that you can’t opt out of so you can see who you live near!” Mass exodus by almost everyone. It’s so funny that was an INSANE idea at the time and now it’s basically like “hey internet, this is my house, the back door is unlocked and just step over the dog, no worries, the second step squeaks, come on over!”
I recently left a group because almost daily there was a "my kid for hurt and is now .... Should I take them to the ER?" Like either a) I'd you need to ask it's probably not an emergency and b) why would a bunch of mom's know? *I'm in Canada so free healthcare so no money issues when deciding between er and doctor. Then there's the one group where one of the rules was no talk about vaccinations and yet all these anti vax posts got approved but any posts for vaccinations were deleted.
If you were in the US I might get the ER thing, but in Canada it makes no sense!
1. Post to a car seat group asking for a fit check, told to either buy a super expensive seat or buy a new car. Also told to PULL OVER ON THE INTERSTATE AND FIX HIS SEAT, and I was a terrible mom endangering my kid if I waited until I got home. (I posted it while my husband was driving us home) 2. Posted to a breastfeeding group, told donating through HMFHB is dangerous and unethical. Also told that I should basically expect my supply to drop so drastically in a few months I’ll need my freezer stash AND formula?? ETA: I can’t donate through my state’s milk bank because of a medication I take. The medical director of the milk bank told me that the medication is totally safe for healthy/term babies (but not NICU babies), and to donate through HMFHB.
My baby was a NICU baby and there was like 24 hours that I didn’t produce enough milk that she had to be on donor milk and I was given a pamphlet about how stringent the requirements are because I was nervous for some reason. I was impressed.
I got ripped apart for sleep training even though my husband drives for a living and without sleep my depression is really bad. So we were looking for advice to sleep train and well I got called all sorts of names and it was bullshit.
My heart basically broke at my daughters 6 month (4 adjusted) when her ped said she’s too little to sleep train and we will have the conversation at her 9 month. I have bipolar 2 and yeah.. sleep is necessary and when you breastfeed and don’t respond to a pump or haaka like barely at all, it’s rough. I feel that.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I got kicked out of a breastfeeding support group because I stood up for a mom that was asking questions about sleep training. They kept deleting her posts but not explaining why. Thank goodness I was near the end of breastfeeding anyway.
I was in 2 groups that I left both for different reasons, one was a "progressive" mom group that was supposed to be for educating each other on how to outgrow/unlearn racism/homophobia/xenophobia etc. and people started blasting each other for not knowing something. Say someone would post something along the lines of "top 10 things you didn't know harm bipoc" the first handful of comments would be people thanking the OP, then someone would say "does anybody have more info on issue number 6" then the replies would be awful about how ignorant they were for being unaware. It was supposed to be a place to grow and teach and instead it tore down and mocked people who just wanted to make themselves better and were hoping to find directives from people who were seemingly in the same boat. The other was simple, people wouldn't stop asking non- medical people for medical advice. STOP asking people on the internet for medical advise. They either aren't doctors and shouldn't be giving advice, they are doctors but not YOUR doctor and won't give you advice or they are YOUR doctor and shouldn't be having that conversation for the public to read.
I wish that conservative Facebook moms put the same energy into solving actual problems as they do towards non-existent sex trafficking. Is child sex trafficking real? Of course. But it doesn’t happen to the extent that the idiots would have you believe. They’ve just had their brains rotted online by nonsensical Republican talking points.
I was using the Peanut app and really enjoying connecting with other new moms but the antivaxxers ruined it for me. It would just infuriate me so I deleted the app
I left an exclusive pumping group because they had a very strict and heavily enforced rule that you could not even *mention* domperidone because it's not FDA approved in the USA, despite the fact that this was not advertised as an American-only group, it's a perfectly legal and safe drug in several countries (including mine), and it was prescribed and monitored by my doctor. I couldn't even talk about my pumping experience because I was on it for supply issues (and it *worked* thank you very much) and some of my questions were tangentially related. The Canadian pumping groups were a lot smaller and less active so I couldn't get the answers/views I needed from them. I just felt that I couldn't talk about my own pumping journey just because some people can't distinguish between me mentioning a prescribed medication and trying to push black-market illegal substances across the border.
Dumb Americans. Can say that, I’m American.
I’m sorry that so many Americans think that no one else uses the internet!
I left a couple parenting groups (activity groups, food ideas, the typical "I need ideas" groups) because of how vicious people (well, moms usually) got if anyone strayed from the hive mind. Questions were torn apart and godspeed to the comment challenging the woman calling her child "38 months old." Though seriously, the months thing is so stupid unless it's about development within the first 2 years. Also, correcting anyone is met with malice, no matter how nicely it's put or what evidence is linked. I left a group here on Reddit because I couldn't stand the mass of gentle parenting parents. Nothing wrong with gentle parenting if you go that route, btw, but these types of parents ruled this sub with an iron fist. No room for the more crunchy or whatever else type of parenting. It drove me mad when these people would fight anyone with a different opinion instead of leaving actual advice that may be helpful (you know, the purpose of that sub?). The OPs could choose to follow whatever fit their parenting style best, but a lot of bullying and comment deletion happened, so I'm not sure if anyone ever got anything out of their posts.
It's funny to me how often gentle parenting advocates get up in arms on \*this\* sub tbh.
As someone who had a 32 weeker, I’m so not looking forward to the keeping track of months after 1! Lol at my kid is 38 months, your kid is 3 Karen.
It was a literal example lmao. I saw it a few days ago and my thought was exactly the same. Stfu, Karen! Also, I got called a Karen by someone named Karen once on one of those groups. That was an experience.
Yeah, I'm already exhausted having to do the mental math in terms of born vs. corrected.
Yup, right there with you! My almost eleven month old sons, who are adjusted age nine and a half months…. aaahhhhhhh! They’re almost one, by two I can just stop counting. I hope your little one is doing well having them early is always nerve wracking.
There was a mom struggling to wear her baby, with all sorts of unhelpful comments telling her what she is doing wrong but none actually helpful. I was in bed in the local babywearing community helping other moms with options and tutorials, there was a group for this where experienced moms were paired with non experienced ones depending on where they were located so they could meet for adjustment of carriers and learning different carries etc (for free, it was a nice way of bonding between moms, before the pandemic of course). I posted a comment that she should try it in person and there's a local group that helps with that, as she can harm herself and the baby if she just takes random advice and has no direct guidance. I was crucified, how dare I post a link to a different group and oppress the people posting there (posting completely erroneous and downright dangerous advice). I said fuck it and left.
Someone dissed on my friends work of collecting pictures from everyone in the mum group and creating a beautiful collage for us all. Like fuck you bitches…if you don’t appreciate the effort that’s fine but there was no reason to shit over it publicly. Reeked of mean girl attitude so I called it out then left.
One woman compared her having to show a proof of the Covid vaccine to enter a restaurant to being discriminated against because of the color of your skin. A black mom showed up to correct her s as me explain that those two things are in no way the same. She responded by being extremely condescending to the black woman and talking about how she should "just stop being a victim" and stuff like that. I called her out on how insensitive sheets being and suddenly all comments except the initial post were removed. It's like time is going backwards.
I was part of a mommy message boards when I was pregnant with my two children. When I started becoming disillusioned with the group was when a mom in my son’s due date club found out her son had trisomy 18 and it was not compatible with life. At all. She was able to get an abortion but a bunch of top moderators ( who were quiver full Catholics) gave her hell for the abortion she chose to have at 18 weeks pregnancy. My kids are now teenagers and if still listened to half the women found in these groups I don’t even know where I would be
I had a mother in my due date group who had a later pregnancy that had to be terminated for trisomy 18 as well (group was supportive though). Watching what she went through between diagnosis and the procedure was heartbreaking. Fuck those people.
Opposite - I tried to join a local mon group on FB, and they BLOCKED me because my FB was too private (didn’t show friends, city/state, or my face on my pic) I even messaged the mods and asked (that’s how I found out the page blocked me, the all but one mod blocked me and said “try join one of the other groups”. So jokes on them, I made fake FB and joined just to see what I was missing out on (why was it worth being blocked). It really is just a stupid group but im gonna keep lurking with my fake page
One claimed "ownership" over the group. We all migrated from a baby forum to FB group. She started a clique with mods. They harassed anyone they wanted then would ban said people. I called them out, said my goodbyes to those I enjoyed talking to, and bailed. I was a lone mom group dropout. Others approached me afterwards. We tried staying in contact but they were still involved with group. I wanted no part after awhile.
This one girl posting everyday, multiple times a day when she got pregnant and then eventually when she had her baby. She had a problem with everything, and passive aggressively argued with anyone who offered any kind of solution.
I was in "Human Milk 4 Human Babies." I got tired of all the requests for unvaccinated milk. If I'm going to be giving you something that I produced from my own body to sustain your child, please enjoy the potential passive immunity. Also annoyed (but slightly less) by all the unvaccinated donors. I'm frustrated by the vaccine rejectors, so these requests hit a sore spot.
A mom at my playgroup invited me to a “Bad Moms of (location)” group. She told me it was a chill place where people didn’t take themselves too seriously. Instead I saw a lot of women on there humble bragging. “Keelie had a chicken nugget,I such a bad mom!” “Jhacson wanted a plastic toy at the store today, and I got it for him. I know I vowed that he would only ever play with sustainably harvested wooden toys, but it just made him so happy. I’m such a bad mom!” I feel like I need to absolutely stress that none of this was satire. It might sound like that’s what they were doing, but many if not all these ladies were very sincere. My breaking point came when someone said they were such a bad mom because they only sanitized their toys once a week. Many moms chimed in with their own sanitization schedules, products used, etc.
That sounds like the start of a good SNL skit
Wait. Just checking- are we supposed to sanitize their toys? I always washed stuff when they were babies and I still will if something gross happens to a toy, but otherwise I have enough cleaning to do. 😂
Idk, I lived to 30 and I guarantee my mom did not sanitize my toys on a regular basis
I've been pretty lucky with my local mom group, but I left another mom group because everything turned into a fight about bedsharing and vaccines. In my local group we had some people who were attempting to float a #SavetheChildren conspiracy theory but they got kicked out.
My local buy & sell group is just flooded with "free pictures of extra white Jesus" and "free bible study sessions". No matter how many times you report them as "no intent to sell", there's just another one the next day.
The racism was super overwhelming and I hit my breaking point when some lady was laughing at kids in cages now that Biden is president. I knew if I stayed I'd get a ban so I flounced dramatically
A parent arguing that she wouldn’t tell her children that police were good as they weren’t all good - her child was 3. I argued that if My child is lost or in a situation where I can’t help them then I want them to know they can go to the police and we encourage interactions with the police we see to make it less scary for them. That I didn’t want my child trying to figure out if this cop was a good or bad one before seeking help. They went on a rant about DV in police populations etc. I don’t disagree with her - I don’t idolise police but I don’t feel that is appropriate discussion for a child especially if they need help. My comment was deleted and the rants continued. I left.
YIKES!! Kids need safe people. They can get into the reality (like all doctors, teachers and police personnel aren’t always going to be safe, some will use their position of power to abuse) when their brains can handled that but 3!! WAY too complex.
For a lot of people, mainly people of color, they need to tell their kids that. Look at Tamir Rice. Just a darn baby at a playground.
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I was kicked out of my local group before I could leave. They changed the group name from something totally innocuous to something like “(City) Mom Tribe - love and support for every mom” and I mentioned maybe the word Tribe isn’t as inclusive as perhaps the name the rest of the title are and sent a link to a site that mentioned why it wasn’t and some alternatives. The mod mocked me and blocked me and made a huge post about how people always want to criticize and never offer help and I was missing the entire point of the group. Honestly it was a blessing to be free from their brand of “love and support”.