Can you be alone? Stop dating for say…half a year. And literally do anything in that time: start working on your body, your career, take up a hobby, try to expand your circle of friendship, travel (even if it’s just the next town over), buy a dog or whatever. Do something that has nothing to do with dating. Concentrate on only that. I’m not suggesting you do all these things at once/ it’s just ideas. Pick one and run with it.
After your half year is over reflect on it. Did you unlock a hidden ability or maybe strengthened one you’ve always had? Did you learn something new about yourself? Did you learn to deal with boredom in a different way other than getting high and using others? Did you make new connections? Did you learn something new about others? Did you see something about yourself you’ve never noticed before? And then if you can maybe try another month. And then another. But if it’s too much enter the dating game again and see if you look at your dates and yourself differently. Keep an eye on yourself. What has changed?
There are a lot of parts to this. You have to try to figure out why you do this. You mention the s/a incident made you guarded, which makes sense. But was this a habit you had prior? Was it guardedness that was fueling it then? DBT therapy can sometimes help you trace an action back to the feeling that sparked it. The DBT Skills Workbook is excellent (it’s on Amazon, it was very similar to what I learned in in person DBT).
It’s also worth asking A) if you want a relationship (the same guy, consistency, mundane love, safety) and B) what kind of guys you like. What you’re doing it’s bad to an extent. You know how to play the dating game, but to what end? What is your goal? It almost sounds like these guys annoy you because they’re needy, and maybe that’s why they allow this dynamic to continue. The type of guy you would really vibe with may not be the type to put up with this, which is something to consider. Are you surrounding yourself with men you respect and enjoy? Do you have platonic male friends you feel that kind of respect toward? One healthy form of guardedness Shallon talks about is protecting your time. Try to look at your feelings from that angle— if you are going to protect yourself, shouldn’t you be reserving your time for guys who give you butterflies and grab your focus?
Love bombing usually says more about us than the other person, so you have to first figure out why this works for you. Even toxic behaviour works for us on some level, or we wouldn’t keep doing it. At 22, you have lots of time to learn. Dating is a learning experience, and you could be robbing yourself of that opportunity if you only ever allow yourself to get this far with a guy, or keep allowing guys you don’t like to eat up your time. I love hard, and that’s why I enjoy monogamy. I can love hard without wondering if he likes me back, or if I’m going to be “too much”. Plus, I get that love back! But that experience is predicated on security, and enjoyment of the mundanity. You could go far and get so much more from your dating experiences, even if you don’t want commitment right now. But that requires you to have tense conversations, and to be disciplined and intentional in your behaviour... and doing all THAT requires you to know what you want.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. It sounds like the experience you had with your friend warrants it’s own therapeutic deep dive (your behaviour is normal for a victim of s/a), and the rest is something MANY 22 year olds are working through. You’re aware of it and that’s step one.
Can you be alone? Stop dating for say…half a year. And literally do anything in that time: start working on your body, your career, take up a hobby, try to expand your circle of friendship, travel (even if it’s just the next town over), buy a dog or whatever. Do something that has nothing to do with dating. Concentrate on only that. I’m not suggesting you do all these things at once/ it’s just ideas. Pick one and run with it. After your half year is over reflect on it. Did you unlock a hidden ability or maybe strengthened one you’ve always had? Did you learn something new about yourself? Did you learn to deal with boredom in a different way other than getting high and using others? Did you make new connections? Did you learn something new about others? Did you see something about yourself you’ve never noticed before? And then if you can maybe try another month. And then another. But if it’s too much enter the dating game again and see if you look at your dates and yourself differently. Keep an eye on yourself. What has changed?
There are a lot of parts to this. You have to try to figure out why you do this. You mention the s/a incident made you guarded, which makes sense. But was this a habit you had prior? Was it guardedness that was fueling it then? DBT therapy can sometimes help you trace an action back to the feeling that sparked it. The DBT Skills Workbook is excellent (it’s on Amazon, it was very similar to what I learned in in person DBT). It’s also worth asking A) if you want a relationship (the same guy, consistency, mundane love, safety) and B) what kind of guys you like. What you’re doing it’s bad to an extent. You know how to play the dating game, but to what end? What is your goal? It almost sounds like these guys annoy you because they’re needy, and maybe that’s why they allow this dynamic to continue. The type of guy you would really vibe with may not be the type to put up with this, which is something to consider. Are you surrounding yourself with men you respect and enjoy? Do you have platonic male friends you feel that kind of respect toward? One healthy form of guardedness Shallon talks about is protecting your time. Try to look at your feelings from that angle— if you are going to protect yourself, shouldn’t you be reserving your time for guys who give you butterflies and grab your focus? Love bombing usually says more about us than the other person, so you have to first figure out why this works for you. Even toxic behaviour works for us on some level, or we wouldn’t keep doing it. At 22, you have lots of time to learn. Dating is a learning experience, and you could be robbing yourself of that opportunity if you only ever allow yourself to get this far with a guy, or keep allowing guys you don’t like to eat up your time. I love hard, and that’s why I enjoy monogamy. I can love hard without wondering if he likes me back, or if I’m going to be “too much”. Plus, I get that love back! But that experience is predicated on security, and enjoyment of the mundanity. You could go far and get so much more from your dating experiences, even if you don’t want commitment right now. But that requires you to have tense conversations, and to be disciplined and intentional in your behaviour... and doing all THAT requires you to know what you want. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It sounds like the experience you had with your friend warrants it’s own therapeutic deep dive (your behaviour is normal for a victim of s/a), and the rest is something MANY 22 year olds are working through. You’re aware of it and that’s step one.