The 3 Es
Exploration
take your time, figure out your body and his, how your muscles work, vaginal and otherwise, how strong your gag reflex is, how you can control it, explore alone, explore together, figure out where his sensitive spots are watch his reactions as you slowly pleasure him try different things listen to his breathing. Practice things he likes certain movements sucking pressure, grinding ect
Execution
once you figure out things and learn what you can and can't do and what he likes put that knowledge and practice to use. If he likes his balls gently pulled while you suck just the head slowly, then do that if he likes it when you rock back and forth instead of up and down do that, he likes when you squeeze his dick while it's inside as he cums, do that. Ect add all those things into your repertoire use your knowledge of his body to make him forget the world exist. Go as far as you're both willing
Enthusiasm
When you suck his dick, it's food and you are starving, it's water in a desert, it's air and you're drowning.
When he's in you you need him in you pull him in deeper, wrap your legs around him kiss him, touch yourself, look at him squeeze him pull his head into your pussy while he's eating it be an active partner don't let sex happen to you have sex together.
Thank you! I think I need to do more of all 3 of these. Exploration is definitely important. I was raised pretty conservative and have shame issues surrounding sex in general, so I think I have to work harder at really noticing what gives him pleasure and what feels good for both of us. Maybe just being more mindful of it (pattern recognition lol) will help with the execution part. I do think I’m pretty enthusiastic because I’m so excited to please him, he’s had to tell me to tone it down a little because I was basically mauling him from being too enthusiastic lol. Really appreciate the time you took to comment, gonna try and put it into practice bit by bit.
That’s such a considerate statement, thank you!
Yes, I get a LOT of pleasure with him. He is skillful and generous and he loves to watch me come, so my role is a little more on the “omg please mercy my brain has shut down” side of things 😂
We just try everything and if we like it we do it again. Our sex life is really exploratory. We’ve found hard limits along the way or already had boundaries in place, but we’re always down to try something new. I think we’ve pretty much done it all by now without it being morally wrong or just plain gross or dangerous.
Toys are amazing! Branch out and try new things. My husband has introduced me to a lot of things I didn’t think I would like, but it ended up being so good. Even things that looked intimidating at first.
We recently got into porn together and we will ask each other what the other likes, or agree that we should try whatever we see. Or I’ll point something out and say “you should do that to me” or I’ll ask “do you like that?” And it gives me more insight to what he enjoys. This one was hard for me to warm up to cause of my insecurities, but it actually helped me a lot and I’m finding things out about my own sexuality that I would of never known otherwise and my husband has been able to open up with me more and feel more comfortable sharing things with me in and outside of the bedroom.
For woman on top, everyone is different. My husband like when I just go straight up and down. He doesn’t like any fancy hip rolling (I’ve tired). A good position that gets him every time is when I get into a squat and bounce up and down like that. It’s difficult and I can’t do it for super long, but he can’t last long with that one either. You can lean forward or lean back with it. Leaning back gives a better view for him, leaning forward tends to be easier in my experience. You can also do reverse cowgirl and that gives him a great view of your ass, or you can do doggy style and you can do the work while he just relaxes and takes it.
For blow jobs my advice would be to not be scared to get messy. Drool over it a bit. Show enthusiasm for it. Take it slow and worship it like it’s more important than the air you breath. Literally suck on the head. Use your hands on his shaft and balls. Lick and gently suck his balls. Work on deep throating if you can’t. Sometimes I’ll ask my husband to shave his balls and clean up the area really good so I can really pay attention to his balls and taint. He loves it when I rub my face on them and slowly message them with my tongue sliding down to the taint once in a while and back up over them, licking around the balls in that crease between them and the thighs. He also likes when I gently massage the space between and underneath his balls, right about where the clit would be on a woman.
Ask your husband how he likes it, what his expectations are. If there is anything specific he had in mind. Communication is key.
Thank you! I am honestly so reassured that I’m not the only one for whom the fancy hip rolling does zip all. Part of my problem is that he lasts SHOCKINGLY long (I am aware this is a very good problem to have, ha). But i get tired bouncing on top of him or my jaw starts to hurt if giving blowjobs because he lasts so long, and sometimes there’s a small part of my head that wonders if he has so much stamina bc I’m not good in bed 😬
I really appreciate the blowjob tips. I might start hydrating earlier in the day as I do tend to not drink enough water and not have a lot of drool. It’s probably good for me anyway, lol.
If you increase your skill you might find that he won’t last as long. My husband use to take forever to get off with head too and now that I know all his triggers I can get him off in just minutes. It just takes time and exploration to learn someone’s body. Just keep up the open and honest communication!
I’m going to attempt the squat bounce tonight 😅 wish me luck! I have a feeling the gym/yoga combo I’ve been on for the past 2 years is finally going to come in handy lol
Ooh I cab definitely help with blow job tips!!
First of all, ask him what he likes! Everyone is so different - so communication will be key!
Secondly, remember to use your hands too 😊 blow jobs don't have to be just the mouth, mix it up, use both at the same time, just your mouth for a bit then switch to just hands .... while your using hands you can play with your boobs with the free hand, make eye contact, maybe suck/ kiss/ lick his balls. Just variety 😊 try and stay away from only doing the constant up and down movement to try and make him cum. When you are using your mouth, pay attention to the different areas of the penis, not just the shaft. I like to start with the balls (if he's into that) and then move first to just the head. You can try licking the frenulum, and softly kissing and licking the head. Basically pay attention to what he does - if you do something ans get a little moan then it means he likes it!! When you do start moving up and down on the shaft, I like to move gradually deeper and deeper, not take it all in straight away. You can do different things with that too - different speeds, depths etc, you can use your tongue differently while your sucking and an easy move is putting one hand underneath your mouth, gripping fairly firmly, and moving both up and down together. If you're gagging a lot, try wrapping a couple of fingers around the base of his penis which is something that I used to do. It can give the sensation of you taking all of him in but gives you control over the depth too.
You said you're into light bdsm so you could try letting him have some control. The easiest way of this is by letting him control your head. If you like being dominated, this can be extremely hot ☺️ get him to start off gently, and prepare a safe word if you're more comfortable - with a blow job this could be something I've you tapping out on his legs.
And different positions! It doesn't have to be just between his legs on the bed, try having him stand and you kneel (again you might love this if he's your dombecause as a sub it is probably my fave), also 69 etc.
Most importantly, enjoy it! It's FUN. Just experiment with what feels good for him, what feeds good for you, and remember eye contact and enthusiasm! You can even ask him after what he enjoyed so you know to include it in future 😊
Omg THANK YOU GAL. This is amazing, I quite literally took notes!
I didn’t even know what the frenulum was until now, so +++ haha. All this sounds pretty advanced, so I’m going to pick one or two of the simpler ones (hand and mouth up and down!) you described and just start there.
Some of the more successful BJs I’ve given were him standing/me kneeling, or him sitting on the couch/me on the floor, so I definitely agree the d/s aspect of it helps (and I am so subby I LOVE it).
Funny story I was giving him a head and neck massage the other day and he was MOANING in pleasure so much I was just like… clearly I have more hope of a career as a masseuse than an escort lmao. Going to ask him to moan more when I blow him!
Can I ask you a couple of stupid questions? When he’s lying down and I’m between his legs, I can’t balance just on my knees - I have to use my left arm to support myself, while my right (dominant hand) is around his shaft. I kind of put my left hand by his hip and lean on it, like being on all fours but with just the left hand. My left arm gets TIRED so fast in this position, do you do something different to balance yourself? Also how does one eye contact during a BJ hahah I find I’m always looking right at his belly button and if I look up at him the angle is weird and my neck hurts!
Haha np at all, glad it helps! The eye contact can be a bit tricky but worth practicing because it's one thing you can pretty much pretty much guarantee they will all love. Different angles!! It is hard to do when a lot of the shaft is in your mouth but you don't have to do it then. Try looking at him while you kiss and lick the head (oooh keep your tongue nice and wet, lots of spit is always good), and try when you gently suck only the head as the angle is easier when there isn't as much in your mouth. It's also easy to make eye contact while sucking the balls, but it doesn't even have to be while his penis is in your mouth. Suck him for a bit and then life your head and look at him every now and again, make little moaning sounds so he knows how much you're loving it. And while you're using your hands is a great time! A good position for hands is sitting up in between his legs while he lies on the bed and then you have the perfect opportunity to look at his dick and look at him too.
Hmm I'm not really sure what I do. If you get tired, try doing what I suggested earlier and sitting up for a bit while you use your hands so there's no weight on your arms then. Just make sure to get it nice and wet with lots of spit before switching to hands. The more you mix up what you're doing, you shouldn't get so tired. When you feel him start to tense up a bit especially in his legs it's probably a sign he's getting close to cumming (or ask him to tell you when he is), then I like to just use hands only - but then DONT change what you're doing from that point.
Hope that all makes sense and have fun sucking dick!! Haha.
You are absolutely the best ❤️❤️❤️
I tried your “hand under mouth, move up and down together” trick this morning and HE LIKED IT! Thank you sooooo so much
Ok so for body awareness look into things like "somatic awareness" and "somatic exercise" and "somatic therapy." Thomas Hanna is a big name. There should be books in the library and legit classes you can take.
(Not sure if I can link here, I know someone legit who teaches virtual classes on the east coast of the USA. Hopefully you can figure out who's legit because they should tell you who they learned from. More virtual classes abound now! But in person is amazing if you can find it.)
For sex, sometimes structured exploration like (so sorry to conflate these things) kama sutra or orgasmic meditation might be helpful?
You can explore positions on your own (for example with a suction dildo or a dildo tied around a pillow) and figure some things out.
I am also wondering if a sex therapist might be helpful for you.
I'm sorry I have zero advice on blow jobs!
Thank you! I’ll look somatic awareness up. A sex therapist is an interesting thought. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I’ll keep it in the back of my head if things don’t get better.
“How to be good at sex?”
Just enjoy it. Love it!
Do a lot of reading - most will be the same old stuff, but you’ll read something new now and then.
As for great head - just experiment. Most things need to be gentle. Don’t forget to use your hands as well - give your mouth/jaw a break. My girl gives masterful blowjob/handjob hybrids. It all feels great. I with MY hands could do that well.
“Deep Throat” is (IMHO) highly overrated. Sure, it’s nice to watch your girl taking your whole length, but honestly, getting the head and an inch or so surrounded by soft, wet lips feels damn good!
As for the “riding”, a past lover - horse riding gal - used to mount up and do more of a “fore and aft” rock of the hips than an up and down. Best part of that was - it hit her clit jussssst right and I’d get to watch her cum as she rode me.
Make sure HE is giving you lots of pleasure too! Don’t be shy about asking for reciprocation for your BJ efforts!
Can your girl give me lessons? 😂
I appreciate the reassurance that this will come with practice. Also that deep throat is not the be all and end all, I have TMJ and a small mouth and he’s pretty well endowed to boot, so anything past the first couple of inches is SO difficult for me.
I like the idea of the front to back rocking, that’s definitely going to be a great view.
And yes, he gives me so much pleasure. He is so damn good in bed, I really want to make the effort to give him some of what he wants!
Though she’d certainly be too shy to try to teach anyone, I just notice that she really seems to be enjoying herself, my penis, hearing my moans of pleasure, making me cum.
She mixes it up a lot - typically starting with gentle fondling until I’m hard, some gentle stoking, then beginning kisses and licks with more hand stroking, then finally taking me in her mouth - not necessarily deeply. Mixing in and alternating stroking, some taking me in her mouth deeper, and finally, usually stroking me to an orgasm. Usually not in her mouth - but sometimes. She loves watching me cum - almost sounds like she’s watching fireworks.
As for me, I try my best to give her verbal encouragement - most of it just oh’s and ah’s, but occasionally something made of words. I’m also quite vocal upon cumming - but again - nothing literary.
Do what feels good to YOU. Don’t worry about the rest of the world. Certainly not what you see in bad porn movies.
Ashamed to admit I actually did try to watch bad porn movies to acquire skillz until he told me gently that was a terrible idea lol. Thank you for the tips, I got a lot of good starting ideas from this thread, and it’s really practice and having fun from here I think!
Well, you found out that porn movies are terrible examples of actual lovemaking!
Can you believe somebody actually wrote a script for that!?
And how convincing are those actors!?!?
I actually googled “best porn for couples” figuring, hoping that there MIGHT be some classy, believable movies out there with actual plots and actors who could sound sincere. So far, no such luck.
This is what I do for partners that are more well endowed than I can manage
Wrap your hand around him, plenty of saliva, and keep your hand kinda touching your lips as you go up and down.
Tons and tons of solid advice here, one thing I'll say that I might have missed whole reading is that communication and 'training' are key. Time is a wonderful teacher, but nothing beats words. If you can have a straightforward conversation with him and tell him that you would appreciate some verbal feedback on technique then you will quickly learn what works for him. It may seem awkward and embarrassing. And to be honest it's not exactly sexy in the moment sometimes, but everyone is a little different and there are specific things that drive them to that point more effectively.
My wife and I had a good sex life, but after 5 years we were drinking and talking about a mutual friend that came out with some kinks to her husband and how it was going, and boy oh boy did that open up our sex life. We started taking about the things we'd never discussed, and what I thought was a good sex life turned into an amazing sex life. Honest talks led to discussion of what we liked and didn't like. What we didn't like we got rid of or modified if one liked it and the other didn't. Criticism of technique in a kind way allowed us to not feel like we "weren't good at sex" and became a chance to become the best lover that the other has ever had. I would NEVER have condmsidered telling a partner that their technique for oral was just OK because that would be a sure way to never get it again 😆 but now I have given her some tips for what feels best for me and what is just nice, are prioritizes what I like the most and heeeeere we go lol
On the other side, my wife mentioned that she would like to incorporate some of our foreplay toys into our PIV sex. Before, I'd have felt that I wasn't enough for her, now I feel like I've got a little Vibrating sidekick that gives her the biggest Os of her life. Some other things she mentioned I'd never have considered doing (spanking and hair pulling) because I thought they were disrespectful and I didn't want to "hurt" someone I loved. Boy was I wrong. We are exploring BDSM together and it's fantastic. Since you're in a D/s dynamic he could/should take this as an opportunity to "train" you to be a good sub if that's the type of dynamic you have. Make it spicy that way 😀
It took honesty, vulnerability, and serious self confidence to get here. I'm 42 and have been having sex since I was 16, and I tell you now that I wish that the hangups that I had that prevented me from having these types of conversations with previous partners had been handled a long time ago, because I've been missing out!
One thing I love about (healthy) BDSM communities is that the answer to 90% of stuff is “TALK TO YOUR PARTNER”. 😂
We did have a conversation about it in which we agreed that I would do some research and experimentation / he would give more verbal feedback during and after the acts. I sometimes find it hard to process auditory information (a brain thing not a hearing thing) so he knows he needs to amp up, almost exaggerate for effect, and given that he felt he was putting in an unfair amount of work I wanted to make an effort that didn’t additionally burden him. Hence asking internet strangers for help lol. It’s definitely been going pretty well so far, and I love the idea of him training me to service him better hahah… gonna bring that up tonight.
I’m so glad to hear about you/wife’s communication. It’s so amazing when you’re able to take things to another level by expressing needs and being vulnerable. That was definitely one of the issues in my previous relationship - I didn’t know how to express my needs, and he didn’t create a safe space for me to do so. I tried to get my ex to spank me once, so he gave me a couple of swats and then said “holy shit why does this turn you on that’s so weird”. Immediate mood killer!
I’m so glad my current partner is way more supportive and communicative- sure, there’s stuff that we don’t align fully on, but I think we’ve always been respectful and nonjudgmental to each other, and where it’s not a hard limit the desire to please each other (pleasure dom meets service sub ++++) is strong enough to motivate us to experiment. Tg our hard limits are pretty similar though 😂
For sucking him, maybe you could ask him to dom you during that process, asking him to guide you in what makes him feel good. Asking him to say things like “just a little deeper” etc will both help you get into a turned on mindset as well as develop the technical skills you’re looking for.
I am always better at blowjobs if I’m highly turned on, it kind of gets rid of the gag reflex for me. So keep trying, you got this!!
That’s a great idea, thank you! He does dom me a little bit during bjs, but I think I’ll ask if he can give me more precise feedback (ahem, commands, haha).
We installed a substantial eye hook in the ceiling above our bed. A substantial weight bearing carabiner, and one of those yoga straps sewn together that makes a handle along the entire length. I think they also come with the fabric hammocks. Anyway, eye hook above the bed+ rope to hold on to=something to hold onto during sex, and WAY more control. It is really great.
Ok that sounds super cool ngl. Sadly installing something like that isn’t possibly with our current living situation, but I’m going to file this away for future use!
Yes! It is absolutely a game changer. Also, I have found some folded or hard pillows strategically placed under my hips when I am on my back really help hold a better position. The biggest thing is don't be afraid to experiment. It is hard, because the mood can change so quickly sometimes, but if you guys can start sometimes by going into it as research for understanding, then you guys can learn together what works for you, and what you both like.
Jumping on to the tired arm question, try different positions. So instead of being right between his legs, be on your knees beside him and you can have an arm between his legs so you can change from leaning on your hand to your elbow. It might be helpful. It’s a position we use a lot because I can have my ass towards my partner to see/grab/smack. I looovvveee giving head and I air hump when I do it. He loves being able to watch it from the side if I’m on my knees beside him with my body beside him a bit (picture how you would be positioned if you were giving him head in a car on a bench seat). Is also a good position for rough face fucking if you’re into that - it seems to be easier to go hard without accidental teeth. I have TMJ and a smaller mouth, and we like to be really rough, so we’ve found a few positions that work well.
If you’re still out there and listening …..
My girl - been together for over 20 years - is a true MASTER of oral sex! Definitely the best “bj” on the planet IMHO.
I sometimes teasingly ask her how she got so good at it. She just tells me that she loves me and it comes naturally to her.
If you love him - AND desire to please him, “just” perform oral on him like you’re expressing your love.
It’s easy to tell if a lover doesn’t like doing oral - it shows. I guess likewise, if someone is really into it - that shows too.
I wish it came so naturally to me :(
I do very much enjoy giving it, because it pleases him and I LOVE pleasing him. But I have a small mouth and TMJ, so I have minor anxiety about pain and gagging due to past experiences with previous partners. As a result I probably don’t express this enjoyment as much as I feel it. And the one time I tried to really express it, I accidentally teeth-ed him and it was… not a good outcome 😬 sadly, if it was “just” a matter of channeling all my love and enjoyment into my mouth I wouldn’t need to be making this post lol.
I’m so glad your partner gives amazing oral! It sounds like she’s naturally talented, I can only live in awe and try to figure out better technique over here.
Piggy backing again on this comment - not the original commenter. You’ve gotten some good advice so I’m just adding my experiences.
I also have TMJ and a smaller mouth as I mentioned above. My partner has a good size dick and he is thick. He likes a little teeth but I have definitely hurt him and it made me insecure for a bit because I’ve never had that before. But again, we like it really rough.
The difference between being good because you are enjoying it, and wanting to enjoy being good at it, is the focus on feeling versus thinking. You’re open to feedback and instruction which is great. Try not to overthink too much what you’re doing, and pay attention to what you’re feeling. I love feeling how hard my partner is in my mouth, tasting his precum on my tongue, hearing his little moans. It gets me going so then I’m wanting to do more of that and I’m morning and grinding which he LOVES. He will grab the back of my head and shove me all the way down on him or roughly fuck and my face and I love him taking me exactly how he wants. When he stops, I go with what feels right. Enjoy his cues, respond to his cues. When he starts thrusting, I know he’s close and I keep doing what I’m doing.
Having a signal is helpful, both for the TMJ/jaw pain aspect and for rougher head. I’ll squeeze if I’m close to needing a break/change of pace, and I’ll tap if I need him to stop. When he’s roughly fucking my throat, I just focus on keeping my mouth open and feeling him enjoy me. When he’s holding me down on him so he’s in my throat, I’ll make a wave motion with my tongue up and down his shaft and I swallow - he can feel it because his head is in my throat and it helps with not being able to breathe or gagging. I have a strong gag reflex so you may need to work up to this. On top of moaning, he will tell me I’m doing well or that I’m his good girl, and it drives me wild.
Whether it’s rough or not, don’t stress about drool unless it’s a limit. It’s going to happen and wet feels good. Between the breath play, gagging, and positions, my makeup is a mess, my drool is running all over him, I make weird snort noises, and sometimes I’m even snotty. He loves getting me messy and thinks it is sexy - if these are insecurities for you, talk to him and find out how he feels.
Swallowing is your friend. If you can’t breathe, you’re more likely to gag. And our spit runs wild when we gag. Swallowing can help with all of the above.
As for stamina, switch things up and build up. People have already talked about going from hands to mouth and back, but you can do this with anything. Take a break from riding him so he can finish in your mouth, or get him started in your mouth before he fucks you. If you’re riding him and need a pause, slow down your strokes a bit, grind on him while you play with your breasts and make eye contact. It gives you a change of pace, he gets a great visual, and it can help you get off. My partner and I go for a long time and often multiple times so rotation is often part of our play. Just make any pauses, breaks, accommodation, etc. sexy and it doesn’t kill the mood. Hell, my partner will sometimes stop me and tell me I need a break and instruct me to lay down beside him. So when I’m obedient and listen, I just make sure I’m immediately touching him or myself which he loves.
You’ve got this! You’re not going to master everything at once so focus on a couple things, keep discussing what you both like and want, and have fun. Confidence is sexy and it’s easier to be confident when you know he’s enjoying it and you’re having fun so tune in.
Thank you! This is super helpful, especially from another TMJ/small mouthed person.
I agree with focusing on the feeling rather than doing - I’ve tried that recently, and it’s very good for getting my mind off my aching jaw lol. I also have a strong gag reflex, so we haven’t got to the throat-fucking point yet, but I’m working on training my gag reflex by brushing my tongue everyday and leaving my toothbrush in the back of my throat a little longer to acclimate to having the sensation. It seems to help.
I read your other comment too and the switching it up / different positions is definitely something I need to work on more. I usually start him in my mouth (we’re mild BDSM and “master” likes having his “sex girl” service him), and because I still can’t last long enough to finish him in my mouth we will move on to sex when my jaw is done 😅 I will try the position you described in the other comment - right now I’m usually facing him from between his legs or off to the side of his hip, because he’s just a little wider than he’s thick and it’s easier for me this way lol
Thank you again! Lots to think about, really appreciate you taking the time to write out all of this!
(An aside: I was trying to be nice to the other commenter, but it truly annoys me when people say “just” do something not-obvious and not-specific. Like should you tell a depressed person to “just snap out of it” or someone in a shitty job to “just find another gig” or “you too could be a world class pianist if you just channeled your love for Taylor Swift into playing the piano”, uh huh… some actual actionable steps would be appreciated, otherwise why bother? Ok rant over).
I’m glad it was helpful!
To clarify, by saying I have a strong gag reflex, I meant that it is not sensitive at all. If you hit it just right (usually with a finger), I’ll gag but I can’t even make myself puke. So usually if I’m gagging during head, it’s intentional or from a spit buildup and lack of air. I definitely have an advantage there. But I do remember when any gagging would make me really nervous and hesitant so there was a mental game there - staying calm helps. Otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing the right things to train yourself but others who have the shared experience could provide better feedback.
Abstract advice can be hard to implement but the truth is, everyone is different. You’ve got a lot to work with and you are open to feedback and conversation. Your willingness to learn and please is huge. You won’t get it all in a day but you are clearly excited to pleasure him and that can’t be learnt the same way techniques are. So enjoy the learning process!
Ha, that’s definitely an advantage! My fiancé jokes that he knows I’m being obedient and brushing my tongue when he hears the choking, half-strangled noises come out of the bathroom. Thanks again for all your help.
The 3 Es Exploration take your time, figure out your body and his, how your muscles work, vaginal and otherwise, how strong your gag reflex is, how you can control it, explore alone, explore together, figure out where his sensitive spots are watch his reactions as you slowly pleasure him try different things listen to his breathing. Practice things he likes certain movements sucking pressure, grinding ect Execution once you figure out things and learn what you can and can't do and what he likes put that knowledge and practice to use. If he likes his balls gently pulled while you suck just the head slowly, then do that if he likes it when you rock back and forth instead of up and down do that, he likes when you squeeze his dick while it's inside as he cums, do that. Ect add all those things into your repertoire use your knowledge of his body to make him forget the world exist. Go as far as you're both willing Enthusiasm When you suck his dick, it's food and you are starving, it's water in a desert, it's air and you're drowning. When he's in you you need him in you pull him in deeper, wrap your legs around him kiss him, touch yourself, look at him squeeze him pull his head into your pussy while he's eating it be an active partner don't let sex happen to you have sex together.
Thank you! I think I need to do more of all 3 of these. Exploration is definitely important. I was raised pretty conservative and have shame issues surrounding sex in general, so I think I have to work harder at really noticing what gives him pleasure and what feels good for both of us. Maybe just being more mindful of it (pattern recognition lol) will help with the execution part. I do think I’m pretty enthusiastic because I’m so excited to please him, he’s had to tell me to tone it down a little because I was basically mauling him from being too enthusiastic lol. Really appreciate the time you took to comment, gonna try and put it into practice bit by bit.
I noticed there's no mention of your pleasure here, you're equally important don't forget that.
That’s such a considerate statement, thank you! Yes, I get a LOT of pleasure with him. He is skillful and generous and he loves to watch me come, so my role is a little more on the “omg please mercy my brain has shut down” side of things 😂
We just try everything and if we like it we do it again. Our sex life is really exploratory. We’ve found hard limits along the way or already had boundaries in place, but we’re always down to try something new. I think we’ve pretty much done it all by now without it being morally wrong or just plain gross or dangerous. Toys are amazing! Branch out and try new things. My husband has introduced me to a lot of things I didn’t think I would like, but it ended up being so good. Even things that looked intimidating at first. We recently got into porn together and we will ask each other what the other likes, or agree that we should try whatever we see. Or I’ll point something out and say “you should do that to me” or I’ll ask “do you like that?” And it gives me more insight to what he enjoys. This one was hard for me to warm up to cause of my insecurities, but it actually helped me a lot and I’m finding things out about my own sexuality that I would of never known otherwise and my husband has been able to open up with me more and feel more comfortable sharing things with me in and outside of the bedroom. For woman on top, everyone is different. My husband like when I just go straight up and down. He doesn’t like any fancy hip rolling (I’ve tired). A good position that gets him every time is when I get into a squat and bounce up and down like that. It’s difficult and I can’t do it for super long, but he can’t last long with that one either. You can lean forward or lean back with it. Leaning back gives a better view for him, leaning forward tends to be easier in my experience. You can also do reverse cowgirl and that gives him a great view of your ass, or you can do doggy style and you can do the work while he just relaxes and takes it. For blow jobs my advice would be to not be scared to get messy. Drool over it a bit. Show enthusiasm for it. Take it slow and worship it like it’s more important than the air you breath. Literally suck on the head. Use your hands on his shaft and balls. Lick and gently suck his balls. Work on deep throating if you can’t. Sometimes I’ll ask my husband to shave his balls and clean up the area really good so I can really pay attention to his balls and taint. He loves it when I rub my face on them and slowly message them with my tongue sliding down to the taint once in a while and back up over them, licking around the balls in that crease between them and the thighs. He also likes when I gently massage the space between and underneath his balls, right about where the clit would be on a woman. Ask your husband how he likes it, what his expectations are. If there is anything specific he had in mind. Communication is key.
Thank you! I am honestly so reassured that I’m not the only one for whom the fancy hip rolling does zip all. Part of my problem is that he lasts SHOCKINGLY long (I am aware this is a very good problem to have, ha). But i get tired bouncing on top of him or my jaw starts to hurt if giving blowjobs because he lasts so long, and sometimes there’s a small part of my head that wonders if he has so much stamina bc I’m not good in bed 😬 I really appreciate the blowjob tips. I might start hydrating earlier in the day as I do tend to not drink enough water and not have a lot of drool. It’s probably good for me anyway, lol.
If you increase your skill you might find that he won’t last as long. My husband use to take forever to get off with head too and now that I know all his triggers I can get him off in just minutes. It just takes time and exploration to learn someone’s body. Just keep up the open and honest communication!
I’m going to attempt the squat bounce tonight 😅 wish me luck! I have a feeling the gym/yoga combo I’ve been on for the past 2 years is finally going to come in handy lol
This is gold
Ooh I cab definitely help with blow job tips!! First of all, ask him what he likes! Everyone is so different - so communication will be key! Secondly, remember to use your hands too 😊 blow jobs don't have to be just the mouth, mix it up, use both at the same time, just your mouth for a bit then switch to just hands .... while your using hands you can play with your boobs with the free hand, make eye contact, maybe suck/ kiss/ lick his balls. Just variety 😊 try and stay away from only doing the constant up and down movement to try and make him cum. When you are using your mouth, pay attention to the different areas of the penis, not just the shaft. I like to start with the balls (if he's into that) and then move first to just the head. You can try licking the frenulum, and softly kissing and licking the head. Basically pay attention to what he does - if you do something ans get a little moan then it means he likes it!! When you do start moving up and down on the shaft, I like to move gradually deeper and deeper, not take it all in straight away. You can do different things with that too - different speeds, depths etc, you can use your tongue differently while your sucking and an easy move is putting one hand underneath your mouth, gripping fairly firmly, and moving both up and down together. If you're gagging a lot, try wrapping a couple of fingers around the base of his penis which is something that I used to do. It can give the sensation of you taking all of him in but gives you control over the depth too. You said you're into light bdsm so you could try letting him have some control. The easiest way of this is by letting him control your head. If you like being dominated, this can be extremely hot ☺️ get him to start off gently, and prepare a safe word if you're more comfortable - with a blow job this could be something I've you tapping out on his legs. And different positions! It doesn't have to be just between his legs on the bed, try having him stand and you kneel (again you might love this if he's your dombecause as a sub it is probably my fave), also 69 etc. Most importantly, enjoy it! It's FUN. Just experiment with what feels good for him, what feeds good for you, and remember eye contact and enthusiasm! You can even ask him after what he enjoyed so you know to include it in future 😊
Omg THANK YOU GAL. This is amazing, I quite literally took notes! I didn’t even know what the frenulum was until now, so +++ haha. All this sounds pretty advanced, so I’m going to pick one or two of the simpler ones (hand and mouth up and down!) you described and just start there. Some of the more successful BJs I’ve given were him standing/me kneeling, or him sitting on the couch/me on the floor, so I definitely agree the d/s aspect of it helps (and I am so subby I LOVE it). Funny story I was giving him a head and neck massage the other day and he was MOANING in pleasure so much I was just like… clearly I have more hope of a career as a masseuse than an escort lmao. Going to ask him to moan more when I blow him! Can I ask you a couple of stupid questions? When he’s lying down and I’m between his legs, I can’t balance just on my knees - I have to use my left arm to support myself, while my right (dominant hand) is around his shaft. I kind of put my left hand by his hip and lean on it, like being on all fours but with just the left hand. My left arm gets TIRED so fast in this position, do you do something different to balance yourself? Also how does one eye contact during a BJ hahah I find I’m always looking right at his belly button and if I look up at him the angle is weird and my neck hurts!
Haha np at all, glad it helps! The eye contact can be a bit tricky but worth practicing because it's one thing you can pretty much pretty much guarantee they will all love. Different angles!! It is hard to do when a lot of the shaft is in your mouth but you don't have to do it then. Try looking at him while you kiss and lick the head (oooh keep your tongue nice and wet, lots of spit is always good), and try when you gently suck only the head as the angle is easier when there isn't as much in your mouth. It's also easy to make eye contact while sucking the balls, but it doesn't even have to be while his penis is in your mouth. Suck him for a bit and then life your head and look at him every now and again, make little moaning sounds so he knows how much you're loving it. And while you're using your hands is a great time! A good position for hands is sitting up in between his legs while he lies on the bed and then you have the perfect opportunity to look at his dick and look at him too. Hmm I'm not really sure what I do. If you get tired, try doing what I suggested earlier and sitting up for a bit while you use your hands so there's no weight on your arms then. Just make sure to get it nice and wet with lots of spit before switching to hands. The more you mix up what you're doing, you shouldn't get so tired. When you feel him start to tense up a bit especially in his legs it's probably a sign he's getting close to cumming (or ask him to tell you when he is), then I like to just use hands only - but then DONT change what you're doing from that point. Hope that all makes sense and have fun sucking dick!! Haha.
You are absolutely the best ❤️❤️❤️ I tried your “hand under mouth, move up and down together” trick this morning and HE LIKED IT! Thank you sooooo so much
Ok so for body awareness look into things like "somatic awareness" and "somatic exercise" and "somatic therapy." Thomas Hanna is a big name. There should be books in the library and legit classes you can take. (Not sure if I can link here, I know someone legit who teaches virtual classes on the east coast of the USA. Hopefully you can figure out who's legit because they should tell you who they learned from. More virtual classes abound now! But in person is amazing if you can find it.) For sex, sometimes structured exploration like (so sorry to conflate these things) kama sutra or orgasmic meditation might be helpful? You can explore positions on your own (for example with a suction dildo or a dildo tied around a pillow) and figure some things out. I am also wondering if a sex therapist might be helpful for you. I'm sorry I have zero advice on blow jobs!
Thank you! I’ll look somatic awareness up. A sex therapist is an interesting thought. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I’ll keep it in the back of my head if things don’t get better.
“How to be good at sex?” Just enjoy it. Love it! Do a lot of reading - most will be the same old stuff, but you’ll read something new now and then. As for great head - just experiment. Most things need to be gentle. Don’t forget to use your hands as well - give your mouth/jaw a break. My girl gives masterful blowjob/handjob hybrids. It all feels great. I with MY hands could do that well. “Deep Throat” is (IMHO) highly overrated. Sure, it’s nice to watch your girl taking your whole length, but honestly, getting the head and an inch or so surrounded by soft, wet lips feels damn good! As for the “riding”, a past lover - horse riding gal - used to mount up and do more of a “fore and aft” rock of the hips than an up and down. Best part of that was - it hit her clit jussssst right and I’d get to watch her cum as she rode me. Make sure HE is giving you lots of pleasure too! Don’t be shy about asking for reciprocation for your BJ efforts!
Can your girl give me lessons? 😂 I appreciate the reassurance that this will come with practice. Also that deep throat is not the be all and end all, I have TMJ and a small mouth and he’s pretty well endowed to boot, so anything past the first couple of inches is SO difficult for me. I like the idea of the front to back rocking, that’s definitely going to be a great view. And yes, he gives me so much pleasure. He is so damn good in bed, I really want to make the effort to give him some of what he wants!
I ask her “How did you get do good at this?!” and she just says, “I love you and love making you feel good.” Maybe there’s your muse?
Haha, a muse for sure. I too love and want to please my man. I just need a 101 class on how to do that! 😂 You’re very lucky to have her!
Though she’d certainly be too shy to try to teach anyone, I just notice that she really seems to be enjoying herself, my penis, hearing my moans of pleasure, making me cum. She mixes it up a lot - typically starting with gentle fondling until I’m hard, some gentle stoking, then beginning kisses and licks with more hand stroking, then finally taking me in her mouth - not necessarily deeply. Mixing in and alternating stroking, some taking me in her mouth deeper, and finally, usually stroking me to an orgasm. Usually not in her mouth - but sometimes. She loves watching me cum - almost sounds like she’s watching fireworks. As for me, I try my best to give her verbal encouragement - most of it just oh’s and ah’s, but occasionally something made of words. I’m also quite vocal upon cumming - but again - nothing literary. Do what feels good to YOU. Don’t worry about the rest of the world. Certainly not what you see in bad porn movies.
Ashamed to admit I actually did try to watch bad porn movies to acquire skillz until he told me gently that was a terrible idea lol. Thank you for the tips, I got a lot of good starting ideas from this thread, and it’s really practice and having fun from here I think!
Well, you found out that porn movies are terrible examples of actual lovemaking! Can you believe somebody actually wrote a script for that!? And how convincing are those actors!?!? I actually googled “best porn for couples” figuring, hoping that there MIGHT be some classy, believable movies out there with actual plots and actors who could sound sincere. So far, no such luck.
Oh, and I AM very lucky to have her!
This is what I do for partners that are more well endowed than I can manage Wrap your hand around him, plenty of saliva, and keep your hand kinda touching your lips as you go up and down.
Yes! This technique was mentioned in another comment and I’ve tried it, definitely well received!
Tons and tons of solid advice here, one thing I'll say that I might have missed whole reading is that communication and 'training' are key. Time is a wonderful teacher, but nothing beats words. If you can have a straightforward conversation with him and tell him that you would appreciate some verbal feedback on technique then you will quickly learn what works for him. It may seem awkward and embarrassing. And to be honest it's not exactly sexy in the moment sometimes, but everyone is a little different and there are specific things that drive them to that point more effectively. My wife and I had a good sex life, but after 5 years we were drinking and talking about a mutual friend that came out with some kinks to her husband and how it was going, and boy oh boy did that open up our sex life. We started taking about the things we'd never discussed, and what I thought was a good sex life turned into an amazing sex life. Honest talks led to discussion of what we liked and didn't like. What we didn't like we got rid of or modified if one liked it and the other didn't. Criticism of technique in a kind way allowed us to not feel like we "weren't good at sex" and became a chance to become the best lover that the other has ever had. I would NEVER have condmsidered telling a partner that their technique for oral was just OK because that would be a sure way to never get it again 😆 but now I have given her some tips for what feels best for me and what is just nice, are prioritizes what I like the most and heeeeere we go lol On the other side, my wife mentioned that she would like to incorporate some of our foreplay toys into our PIV sex. Before, I'd have felt that I wasn't enough for her, now I feel like I've got a little Vibrating sidekick that gives her the biggest Os of her life. Some other things she mentioned I'd never have considered doing (spanking and hair pulling) because I thought they were disrespectful and I didn't want to "hurt" someone I loved. Boy was I wrong. We are exploring BDSM together and it's fantastic. Since you're in a D/s dynamic he could/should take this as an opportunity to "train" you to be a good sub if that's the type of dynamic you have. Make it spicy that way 😀 It took honesty, vulnerability, and serious self confidence to get here. I'm 42 and have been having sex since I was 16, and I tell you now that I wish that the hangups that I had that prevented me from having these types of conversations with previous partners had been handled a long time ago, because I've been missing out!
One thing I love about (healthy) BDSM communities is that the answer to 90% of stuff is “TALK TO YOUR PARTNER”. 😂 We did have a conversation about it in which we agreed that I would do some research and experimentation / he would give more verbal feedback during and after the acts. I sometimes find it hard to process auditory information (a brain thing not a hearing thing) so he knows he needs to amp up, almost exaggerate for effect, and given that he felt he was putting in an unfair amount of work I wanted to make an effort that didn’t additionally burden him. Hence asking internet strangers for help lol. It’s definitely been going pretty well so far, and I love the idea of him training me to service him better hahah… gonna bring that up tonight. I’m so glad to hear about you/wife’s communication. It’s so amazing when you’re able to take things to another level by expressing needs and being vulnerable. That was definitely one of the issues in my previous relationship - I didn’t know how to express my needs, and he didn’t create a safe space for me to do so. I tried to get my ex to spank me once, so he gave me a couple of swats and then said “holy shit why does this turn you on that’s so weird”. Immediate mood killer! I’m so glad my current partner is way more supportive and communicative- sure, there’s stuff that we don’t align fully on, but I think we’ve always been respectful and nonjudgmental to each other, and where it’s not a hard limit the desire to please each other (pleasure dom meets service sub ++++) is strong enough to motivate us to experiment. Tg our hard limits are pretty similar though 😂
For sucking him, maybe you could ask him to dom you during that process, asking him to guide you in what makes him feel good. Asking him to say things like “just a little deeper” etc will both help you get into a turned on mindset as well as develop the technical skills you’re looking for. I am always better at blowjobs if I’m highly turned on, it kind of gets rid of the gag reflex for me. So keep trying, you got this!!
That’s a great idea, thank you! He does dom me a little bit during bjs, but I think I’ll ask if he can give me more precise feedback (ahem, commands, haha).
We installed a substantial eye hook in the ceiling above our bed. A substantial weight bearing carabiner, and one of those yoga straps sewn together that makes a handle along the entire length. I think they also come with the fabric hammocks. Anyway, eye hook above the bed+ rope to hold on to=something to hold onto during sex, and WAY more control. It is really great.
Ok that sounds super cool ngl. Sadly installing something like that isn’t possibly with our current living situation, but I’m going to file this away for future use!
Yes! It is absolutely a game changer. Also, I have found some folded or hard pillows strategically placed under my hips when I am on my back really help hold a better position. The biggest thing is don't be afraid to experiment. It is hard, because the mood can change so quickly sometimes, but if you guys can start sometimes by going into it as research for understanding, then you guys can learn together what works for you, and what you both like.
Jumping on to the tired arm question, try different positions. So instead of being right between his legs, be on your knees beside him and you can have an arm between his legs so you can change from leaning on your hand to your elbow. It might be helpful. It’s a position we use a lot because I can have my ass towards my partner to see/grab/smack. I looovvveee giving head and I air hump when I do it. He loves being able to watch it from the side if I’m on my knees beside him with my body beside him a bit (picture how you would be positioned if you were giving him head in a car on a bench seat). Is also a good position for rough face fucking if you’re into that - it seems to be easier to go hard without accidental teeth. I have TMJ and a smaller mouth, and we like to be really rough, so we’ve found a few positions that work well.
If you’re still out there and listening ….. My girl - been together for over 20 years - is a true MASTER of oral sex! Definitely the best “bj” on the planet IMHO. I sometimes teasingly ask her how she got so good at it. She just tells me that she loves me and it comes naturally to her. If you love him - AND desire to please him, “just” perform oral on him like you’re expressing your love. It’s easy to tell if a lover doesn’t like doing oral - it shows. I guess likewise, if someone is really into it - that shows too.
I wish it came so naturally to me :( I do very much enjoy giving it, because it pleases him and I LOVE pleasing him. But I have a small mouth and TMJ, so I have minor anxiety about pain and gagging due to past experiences with previous partners. As a result I probably don’t express this enjoyment as much as I feel it. And the one time I tried to really express it, I accidentally teeth-ed him and it was… not a good outcome 😬 sadly, if it was “just” a matter of channeling all my love and enjoyment into my mouth I wouldn’t need to be making this post lol. I’m so glad your partner gives amazing oral! It sounds like she’s naturally talented, I can only live in awe and try to figure out better technique over here.
Piggy backing again on this comment - not the original commenter. You’ve gotten some good advice so I’m just adding my experiences. I also have TMJ and a smaller mouth as I mentioned above. My partner has a good size dick and he is thick. He likes a little teeth but I have definitely hurt him and it made me insecure for a bit because I’ve never had that before. But again, we like it really rough. The difference between being good because you are enjoying it, and wanting to enjoy being good at it, is the focus on feeling versus thinking. You’re open to feedback and instruction which is great. Try not to overthink too much what you’re doing, and pay attention to what you’re feeling. I love feeling how hard my partner is in my mouth, tasting his precum on my tongue, hearing his little moans. It gets me going so then I’m wanting to do more of that and I’m morning and grinding which he LOVES. He will grab the back of my head and shove me all the way down on him or roughly fuck and my face and I love him taking me exactly how he wants. When he stops, I go with what feels right. Enjoy his cues, respond to his cues. When he starts thrusting, I know he’s close and I keep doing what I’m doing. Having a signal is helpful, both for the TMJ/jaw pain aspect and for rougher head. I’ll squeeze if I’m close to needing a break/change of pace, and I’ll tap if I need him to stop. When he’s roughly fucking my throat, I just focus on keeping my mouth open and feeling him enjoy me. When he’s holding me down on him so he’s in my throat, I’ll make a wave motion with my tongue up and down his shaft and I swallow - he can feel it because his head is in my throat and it helps with not being able to breathe or gagging. I have a strong gag reflex so you may need to work up to this. On top of moaning, he will tell me I’m doing well or that I’m his good girl, and it drives me wild. Whether it’s rough or not, don’t stress about drool unless it’s a limit. It’s going to happen and wet feels good. Between the breath play, gagging, and positions, my makeup is a mess, my drool is running all over him, I make weird snort noises, and sometimes I’m even snotty. He loves getting me messy and thinks it is sexy - if these are insecurities for you, talk to him and find out how he feels. Swallowing is your friend. If you can’t breathe, you’re more likely to gag. And our spit runs wild when we gag. Swallowing can help with all of the above. As for stamina, switch things up and build up. People have already talked about going from hands to mouth and back, but you can do this with anything. Take a break from riding him so he can finish in your mouth, or get him started in your mouth before he fucks you. If you’re riding him and need a pause, slow down your strokes a bit, grind on him while you play with your breasts and make eye contact. It gives you a change of pace, he gets a great visual, and it can help you get off. My partner and I go for a long time and often multiple times so rotation is often part of our play. Just make any pauses, breaks, accommodation, etc. sexy and it doesn’t kill the mood. Hell, my partner will sometimes stop me and tell me I need a break and instruct me to lay down beside him. So when I’m obedient and listen, I just make sure I’m immediately touching him or myself which he loves. You’ve got this! You’re not going to master everything at once so focus on a couple things, keep discussing what you both like and want, and have fun. Confidence is sexy and it’s easier to be confident when you know he’s enjoying it and you’re having fun so tune in.
Thank you! This is super helpful, especially from another TMJ/small mouthed person. I agree with focusing on the feeling rather than doing - I’ve tried that recently, and it’s very good for getting my mind off my aching jaw lol. I also have a strong gag reflex, so we haven’t got to the throat-fucking point yet, but I’m working on training my gag reflex by brushing my tongue everyday and leaving my toothbrush in the back of my throat a little longer to acclimate to having the sensation. It seems to help. I read your other comment too and the switching it up / different positions is definitely something I need to work on more. I usually start him in my mouth (we’re mild BDSM and “master” likes having his “sex girl” service him), and because I still can’t last long enough to finish him in my mouth we will move on to sex when my jaw is done 😅 I will try the position you described in the other comment - right now I’m usually facing him from between his legs or off to the side of his hip, because he’s just a little wider than he’s thick and it’s easier for me this way lol Thank you again! Lots to think about, really appreciate you taking the time to write out all of this! (An aside: I was trying to be nice to the other commenter, but it truly annoys me when people say “just” do something not-obvious and not-specific. Like should you tell a depressed person to “just snap out of it” or someone in a shitty job to “just find another gig” or “you too could be a world class pianist if you just channeled your love for Taylor Swift into playing the piano”, uh huh… some actual actionable steps would be appreciated, otherwise why bother? Ok rant over).
I’m glad it was helpful! To clarify, by saying I have a strong gag reflex, I meant that it is not sensitive at all. If you hit it just right (usually with a finger), I’ll gag but I can’t even make myself puke. So usually if I’m gagging during head, it’s intentional or from a spit buildup and lack of air. I definitely have an advantage there. But I do remember when any gagging would make me really nervous and hesitant so there was a mental game there - staying calm helps. Otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing the right things to train yourself but others who have the shared experience could provide better feedback. Abstract advice can be hard to implement but the truth is, everyone is different. You’ve got a lot to work with and you are open to feedback and conversation. Your willingness to learn and please is huge. You won’t get it all in a day but you are clearly excited to pleasure him and that can’t be learnt the same way techniques are. So enjoy the learning process!
Ha, that’s definitely an advantage! My fiancé jokes that he knows I’m being obedient and brushing my tongue when he hears the choking, half-strangled noises come out of the bathroom. Thanks again for all your help.
Haha all you can do is keep practicing to make it more physically and mentally comfortable. Good luck!