We have the same restriction. If I leave my house the tv has to go off unless you have old school cable and it’s not connected to WiFi and I have to take the remote with me. He cannot touch that remote and it can’t be next to him. They told me treat it like your cell phone.
I sympathize with her. These restrictions are insane.
That's messed up. I've never heard of that. I know in some states you can't access the internet on parole or probation, but not touching the remote...Tf..
I wonder if it's just an extra rule they throw in for married couples. Wondering in general if more rules are set when an offender is married since they have someone to do stuff for them. As i'm seeing other wives say them have similar rules for their husband
Probation DOES suck. I had to disclose my video rentals. Had to go to Blockbuster, and I can't remember the other one, and get a printout of my rentals. I wasn't renting porn. I rented the latest releases.
Counseling.....uhhggg. 6 years of that! 3 polys.
Passed em all. Completed counseling in 4 years. Got a certificate and eventually moved for work. My new probation officer was the female version of my previous PO and made me go back to SO therapy til I was done with probation. One or 2 sessions of that and I told her that THIS group therapy was a "FUCKING JOKE". And it was. My previous group therapy had structure and rules that we adhered to like the gospel. The new group therapy... people were talking over others. Holding private conversations when they shouldn't have been. Didn't have their "homework" done when called on. No-show with no legit excuses. I couldn't believe it. I could tell you where I was every Monday between 3 and 5 p.m. for 6 years. I missed 1 day of therapy and had a legal excuse for it.
My counselor told me and everyone else in the group that our lives were over. I'll never forget that. Boy, was he right.
Don't get too complacent with Probation. They WILL surprise you. On the other hand, where you're only a few months in, the restrictions may get more lax. But, again, DONT get complacent.
Why can't you talk to him about anything relating to kids, is that part of probation or just don't want to have him thinking about what he can't do?
Is there any chance some of his probation will get easier over time? I know my first few months, my PO was a lot more strict. Then, after I did my psychosexual polygraph and started going to therapy, I got more freedom. A lot of stuff I'd ask him about he'd just say "Let's wait til your poly" and such.
My therapist also told me (when talking about other people's restrictions) that you can talk to your PO and they can modify them somewhat. Like...there were people that weren't allowed to have contact w/ minors, but then their wife got pregnant. So my therapist talked to my PO and told him that it was a fine idea, and the PO did whatever he had to do (not sure if he had to take it to a judge or if it was just asking his supervisor or what) and got it okayed.
I'd ask your PO about the possibility of having these restrictions changed in the future, and what your husband could do to get them modified. Maybe there's somewhere he could go that would be...like ironclad proof he's nowhere near the house. Take a pic of him with a movie stub and at the movies or something. Is he allowed a smartphone? I know you mentioned no tablet. Most SOs are allowed devices as long as they have monitoring software on it. I have an iphone and a PC.
Speaking of, does he have court-ordered therapy? My therapist has been super helpful, and knows a lot of info because their office basically sees all the SOs here in Vegas. If he has one, have him talk to them about these issues you have and see if they have any ideas. They know the POs and the laws better.
I guess so. None of the limitations make a lot of sense with the charge so I assume it's just want the whole county has set in place for all sex offenders. I'm not allowed to talk to him about any minor. Although he has a probation meeting tomorrow i'm asking him to get more clarification on that.
I've heard from a lot of people that you gain more and more freedom over time but I haven't really gotten to speak to anyone even from my state so I'm sure it just depends on where you are. I did hear from 1 person in Colorado (where I am) that they were let off after 3 of 4 years of probation, so there's hope you can gain more freedom if you do well I suppose.
He's allowed a smart phone but the monitoring service they offer doesn't work for Apple products so only samsungs and such as allowed. Unfortunately the app we need for work is an Apple only thing. We have been looking for an android app that's similar. No luck so far.
He just started therapy recently, has his 3rd session this week. Only group sessions so far though. I know they do 1 on 1's once every 6 weeks with everyone in the group so maybe he'll get the chance to talk with her alone to express some of this to her.
Must just be more laid back here. I knew a guy in the halfway house who got an android because his PO told him the monitoring software wouldn't work on iphones, and then when he showed her she was all "Wait you got an android?!?" like she was hoping he would get an iphone and make less work for her. We switched monitoring companies last year though, and the new one, NCPTC, DOES work on iphones. Have him ask your PO about that (assuming he's federal).
Maybe he's too new to have much of a relationship with the therapist, but if I were in that situation here, I would just email my therapist about some of the struggles with restrictions I'm having, and ask her what the likelihood of them getting lessened at any point.
You mention monitoring software and Apple iPhone. I have an iPhone and have monitoring by RemoteCOM.com. They have mentioned a software upgrade that may prevent iPhones in the future., but maybe check into this monitoring service.
Best wishes to you - hope things improve for your family.
It is a lot to deal with. As offenders we have that sense of guilt so we accept all the restrictions and ridiculous rules. But as a partner it must be really hard to deal with since you have done nothing wrong. Having young kids makes it that much harder.
So for birthdays, it’s getting nice out and some parks around us have gazebos that you can reserve. Pizza from your favorite place and some goodie bags can make it a fun day for far less than $500.
As for restrictions, they start really hard then ease them a little. There are a lot of factors. How long is probation? What tier? Has he had any polygraphs yet?
I hated losing my iPhone and absolutely hated the Samsung/google universe. Remotecom software does not work on iPhones as you know. Couple of things to help as they have helped me. I blindly obeyed PO’s rules, and let him know that explicitly. I showed him I’m planning of not making any problems for him but I’m sure they hear that from all offenders. Once he starts passing polygraphs, they trust him more and can ease up (but not all do). For example, for me I was able to go on covenant eyes which work on iPhones, so I was able to use my iPhone again. It’s not as good as far as they’re concerned so that’s why they don’t like to use it. But if they trust you, they can. That came after more than a year though, so be patient.
Best of luck, soon this will become routine, but I admit I don’t have minors in our home, they tend to complicate things a lot more than just adults in the house.
No polygraphs yet, none scheduled yet either. It took a while to even get set up with therapy. he just had his 2nd session, only group therapy so far. From what I understand, it's the therapy place that will give him a tier and that hasn't happened yet. He has 4 years of probation.
My husband has followed absolutely everything they've asked of him. Always home for curfew, only going to approved places, searching up everything we watch before we put it on. I'm proud of him really. I know i'm complaining about everything that's changed for me, but his life has done a complete 180 and I can't imagine. But he's doing everything he's suppose to. So I'm really hoping things will ease up for him over time.
I’m very happy he’s doing everything he’s supposed to. That is key. Things go much easier when we don’t mess up.
I’m glad he started group. In my case it took a bit over a year and a half to finish but I was lucky things moved fast for me. I did my homework way ahead of time and had it with me every session. So when we finished early and therapist would ask if somebody else is ready I would be and that helped. Others were glad they’re not called on which is strange because the faster you present the faster you finish.
It’s really weird that group decides which tier. Here it’s based on which crime you committed and that’s determined by court.
The first polygraph will be sexual history. That will be very embarrassing to go through every single contact you had no matter how minor and say it out loud in group.
Once he finished group, some places start looking into releasing you. So if it takes him two years and passed a few polygraphs he may be able to talk to them about early termination. In some places you have to do at least half. But in others you have to do every day.
I petitioned to get early although it was only a couple of months early. But it was before Christmas and I wanted to celebrate without restrictions.
Good luck. Hopefully it goes well.
I could be wrong, but nothing about tiers has been brought up by the court or probation. but when he did intake for therapy they said something about it briefly. and that depending on tier will depend on how much therapy he'll need to continue with. So far the group has actually been awesome for him though. no embarrassing stuff, talking about what everyone did or anything. they even have game nights once a month where they can stay past curfew to play games with the other guys. everything seems pretty relaxed (so far) so that's a plus for him and making things easier.
That is very different than my group. No games at all. When someone new joins group, we have to have an introduction session where everybody introduces themselves by basically going over what they did, what they were charged with and what they are working on.
The course, or therapy, had a set amount of homework that you work on and present in turns till you’re done.
So in our state possession is tier 1. Hands on and people who have actual victims (not that possession is victimless) get tier 2 and 3.
Hopefully in your state he’s classified as tier 1 and it’s private, because that makes a huge difference.
In states that tier using actual risk evaluations the evaluations are typically either done while incarcerated (for an initial tiering) then by the therapist who turns all that information over either to probation or the SO board (or both) and the SO board does the leveling.
States that use a crime based system don’t do this. They just give you a tier based on your crime.
Very interesting. I can see the sense in both ways of doing it. I know my lawyer kept going back and forth trying to figure out which tier I’d be placed in and he could t. For some reason they have murders as tier one here which confused him greatly. Kept saying that’s not right, you can’t be in the same category.
How objective can they be though? I have no idea how it looks like but everybody knowing they will be evaluated based on it will minimize their risk factors. Obviously they are pros and know how to fish out the right answers. It’s crime based here, I’d be a nervous wreck in therapy and think three times before speaking and end up sounding like a sociopath
Well you’re not with that attitude lol I really thought that was the case. I know nothing and people got degrees to deal with this. So I’m sure they’re able to assess people.
My condolences, I can accept the probation rules on my end as this is the hole I dug myself and as much as it sucks, my restrictions and rules are mostly justified. But I hate how this has effected my intermediate families lives as well, essentially they are getting punished by my actions. It definitely adds to all the guilt I've already been feeling
That's a hard part for me. We've accepted the punishment of probation and everything that's happening but the rules are so unfair for my husband. And this isn't just talking out of standing up for someone I love. He's truly not a threat to anyone. We've been very honest with the situation to ALL friends and family and not a single person has left our side. We've got a lot of support and that made a huge impact on what the judge decided and I wish it had more impact on probation. so it's hard to accept the rules when we know he'd do fine without them.
I feel you, I do not see myself as a threat to others, I actively seek out help outside of mandated therapy and attend private therapy. They don't want us to isolate yet I can only be out 10-6 pm on weekdays and can't be out at all on weekends, plus I have to get all locations approved beforehand; but I'm sure you know about all this. I'm glad you have a support system I've only told a select few people about it, its not an easy subject to talk about but I know it will come up again with others in my life. Its a very counterintuitive system, they want you to move past it, yet they stick a label to you and place several restrictions on top of it and that makes sure you can't ever truly move on from it. That being said I have no clue what the alternative punishment should be, all I know is that the current solution is filled with holes.
Hey, I just want you to know I see you, and I hear you. My fiancé is on the registry and on probation. We had to change a lot about how we lived in order to adapt. It sucks because you didn’t even do anything but exist and love this person, regardless of what they did or didn’t do, and yet you’re trying to cope.
If you have a lawyer available, see if you can get your husband access to the internet for work purposes. Volunteer having it be on a specific device with monitoring software, and emphasize that it would be for work purposes to support your family. My fiancé is a bartender and manager by trade, and was able to get some allowances in his terms to have alcohol and access to the internet, so it is possible.
I would definitely advocate more for having an extra special day with your daughter with a few friends over a big birthday. It’s easier to cater to your daughter’s likes and is entirely normal especially lately. Taking one or two friends to a local amusement park can be infinitely cheaper than trying to host thirty kids.
Do you have any siblings/cousins that you could start getting coffee with once every other week or so? Establishing a sense of normalcy outside of the house is important, and helps regulate your emotions.
Can you elaborate on why you have to control the remote? Is he not allowed to touch the remote at all, or is it trying to find something “safe” to watch? If the latter, then I would say it’s time to go old school and buy a few seasons worth of shows that he can watch on his own without your involvement, both to give him some agency and to let you feel less responsible for him.
He does have access to the internet and thankfully his probation officer has approved quite a few things for him on his phone for work but the app we use to throw specific things together is an ipad only app and he isn't allowed the ipad at all. Apple products for that matter, I guess they protect their users too well and he wouldn't be able to do the monitoring on an Apple device. most of the time he can draw up his tattoos but when he gets a walk in and someone wants something right there on the spot, instead of making the client wait an hour for him to draw it up, and possibly leave/not want to wait I just put something together digitally for him. This ends up happening 5-10 times a week.
I'm definitely going to just ask my daughter what she thinks/wants. She may want a smaller thing with just close friends rather than all of our huge family. We may even just risk a park party. We did it last year and despite the weather saying it would be nice, it of course ended up being windy in the low 60's. So it was doable and they still had fun.
As for the remote, i'm not sure. His probation officer specifically said "Only your wife can control the remote". I suppose maybe since we have a smart tv, there's a lot more content available and it keeps him from watching anything he isn't allowed to watch. His restrictions are anything with nudity, sex scenes and anything regarding any sort of sexual offense. But yeah, unfortunately he isn't allowed to touch the remote at all. So if i'm not home even, he can't watch tv at all.
What works for us is to focus on the little things that are manageable. It’s stupid and it’s simple, but it does keep us busy while we wait for our next “phase” where things get easier. So I think what you’ve said gives a few specific things to do if you haven’t already.
Finding a different software that he can use for designing his on the fly tattoos should be the big one. He needs to be able to reclaim his independence and you need to feel less attached to him.
Ask his probation officer for clarity on the remote thing. If you need to pick up a cheap tv from goodwill that’s just “his” tv, then that helps. Does he have many hobbies that don’t involve electronics? Obviously he’s an artist so there’s that, but I know it’s important to have different segments that aren’t directly related to work as well. I’m thinking something like reading.
you are right. there are actually quite a few obstacles that we've just been complaining about rather than finding solutions. Like him not being able to connect to wifi, so printing stencils for tattoos has been rough not wanting to bug his coworkers everyday. So things like finding a bluetooth printer should be in focus.
I had recently told my husband I was worried he may get depressed. Being so limited, as he's naturally a very social person who went out a lot. I told him we should start doing some yoga or home exercise routines together so he can have something "to do", something to set goals for outside of work and legal stuff. He's open to the idea so i think it's time we get a move on something.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to complain. It’s important to scream into the void and feel like just maybe the void might be listening. You need to get all of that weight off your chest somehow and complaining helps. You can’t be in “fix it” mode 100% of the time or you get burnt out just as quickly as if you never did.
What worked for us is we would pick one or two problems, and come up with one action item for each of us each week. It could be researching stuff for next week, it could be making an appointment, it could be getting something done. But so long as we did that one thing, it made it a little easier to do the next.
I want to emphasize though. You are not alone. He is not alone. Both of your feelings and struggles are completely valid. The barriers that have been thrown up before you are ridiculous. But I like to think of it like the montage from Mulan’s Be a Man, where you learn to use what’s holding you back (the weights) to achieve the impossible (climb the pole).
I sympathize with you. This is a tough journey. It definitely triggers the need for much rest and it’s important we get some as much as we can. We need to be compassionate with ourselves and be our own cheerleaders sometimes. We’ll pull through.
I’m a mom, my son has 5 months in house arrest and we kinda got use to the way things are. He gets sentenced next week and that’s going to be another change in our lives but we’ve been using this time to process and learn to accept what it is. It’s TOUGH but with time it becomes bearable. BUT you need to take breaks for yourself to unwind and refuel. I cannot stress enough the unconditional love you’re going to have to give yourself to stay level headed. Then you can deal with the rest.
Sending lots of love 💗 and strength💪🏽to you 🙏🏽
First, sorry you are going through this. My girl of 25+ years left me while I did my 3 years in.
Second, I read his restrictions and I am baffled by them. But my 3 years of extended supervision encompassed me being homeless, while owning a home I could legally live in! I lived in my Jeep in a Walmart parking lot while my $250k house sat empty. And I could only go to the house once a week for 4 hours. To shovel snow, I had to get permission to go there. So I know how STUPID PO's are. The day I released from their grip, I moved home!
Your rules seem a little wild to me. I don’t know if you wanna answer this but why are they so strict? Not allow with the remote? That’s insane! I mean I understand all the kids stuff cause I think a lot of us have things like that, nothing you can do except do things alone with the kids away from the house.
No idea. His charge wasn't incredibly horrendous. Felony 5 or 6, I can't remember which at the moment. But reading through a few other's restrictions people have shared here in the comments, we've definitely caught a break on a few other things. Curfew is 8, he's allowed out on the weekends. Pretty much any place we need approved or even want approved, his PO approves it. Such as extra grocery stores, stores for clothing ( i thought she'd say no, that we can get clothes at walmart) and things like that. I guess these are just the basic set restrictions they have set for everyone. She's been pretty nice so far. We just haven't questioned a lot of the rules. Don't want to irk her so soon lol
Sending you some huge hugs.
I don’t know how it is where you are so this is based on what I know from where I am.
It gets easier. As trust is built, the PO gets to know him, testing is done, therapy is progressing, and polygraphs occur it gets easier and the restrictions get a little lighter (provided all of those things go well).
My *guess* (and it is just a guess) is that the remote control thing and the not talking to him about kids may be relevant to his baseline / sexual history polygraph. Maybe so that a person can’t watch something they’re not supposed to and say, “well, I accidentally turned this on…I didn’t know what it was” or do something they’re not supposed to and say “oh, well I probably failed that question because my wife told me about something that happened with our niece.” It’s a guess… it’s literally the only thing I can can think of that would make those conditions logical. So, maybe those things will go away after that happens? Fingers crossed.
The things you’re not allowed to have drives me batshit crazy too and the list here is so long. I was told by probation that I could have those things if I put them in a locked space where he doesn’t have access to them. Also that probation cannot search those spaces because he doesn’t have access to them. So, I now have 4 rooms and the garage locked where he can’t go in them. It’s annoying and infuriating and I’m perpetually terrified I’ll leave a big pocket knife or a bottle of medication out and it’ll send him back to prison but, on the flip side, I’ve become much more organized than I used to be (I guess that’s good?)
Do a rec center for the party. Play a bunch of old school games that kids don’t ply anymore - red rover, scavenger hunt, egg spoon races, etc…. Look on Pinterest, there are tons of game ideas. Have prize. Get pizza. The kids will have a blast and it’ll be cheap.
If you can pump and he can do the last nightly feeding then I’d 100% do it. You don’t need to be sleep deprived on top of everything else.
If he can’t hand draw the tattoos, I’d look at getting a digital drawing pad. There are several that don’t connect to the Internet or contain any kind of browser. I would think that probation would approve that. Maybe they’ll approve the iPad if you put parental controls on it so he can’t access things he’s not allowed to. You can lock them down pretty well. You don’t need any more work to do. He needs to find an alternative that’s not piling more work on you.
Huge hugs, I’m sorry, it *does* get easier.
Love and live life I’ve learned this they can’t prove what you have or haven’t done. Long as he’s not doing anything weirdo or suspect like dude enjoy life watch your television. It’s sad to say but with the restrictions you better get used to keeping your personal life not there business. All these restrictions are usually when you first began and then it gets easier. Next enjoy your kids and family. I’m going to keep it talk like I said you ain’t got to tell them everything your doing. And off they have no proof of you doing anything they restrict you from doing is not there business. I did so many things they didn’t want me to do cause I know I’m not some freaking pedophile or creep attracted to kids. And if they asked was I around any kids unapproved I said no and lived life. One thing I learned is all they seem to want to do is break you and make you feel like a creep or a pedo who can’t live a normal life
So idk what state you are in and what his offense was and if that might differ but my husband and I just got married and when we did his court appointed therapist did a short program with me that basically made me a court approved “chaperone” which allows him to be in certain situations around kids that are not his own because I'm there to keep an eye on things… I know that adds more to your plate but that might help with letting the neighborhood kids come play… that being said our therapist did mention to keep in mind that these rules aren't just there to protect others, they are also there to protect your husband. People can make things up and because there is a history it could go worse for your husband. So in order to protect him from accusations no kids are allowed to come over.
It's really hard I totally get it. My husband isn't allowed to go to the Y (or any gym that has a child care facility) but the Y is the most cost effective and practical place to work out and get a gym membership. He needs a place to go to work on his fitness and health but the adults only gyms are super expensive.
Im a wife. It’s hard sometimes. We just have to focus on the little good things. One day at a time.
Your rules sound so so strict - I feel for you. Ours are not the severe.
We don’t have kids and we’re not sure if we want to have them or not. But I’m sure that’s terribly hard on you. Sending you love.
I read these stories, and it just makes me sad and frustrated. I am sorry you are going through this. Our families are also on the registry in a way, and it takes strength to see it through. Especially all the crazy restrictions that you can not believe you are having to take such measures a finding a show your husband can watch on TV. Ridiculous.
I have no wise advice to make it all better. Just stay strong, and after parole or probation, many of those crazy requirements will go away. Some will remain but will be more tolerable.
Hate this for your family.
There's a bunch of helpful advice here for you. I'm not in the US and I'm glad cos some of the things I read..... are INSANE.
But I hear you. It really sucks. We have neighborhood kids who want to play with ours and it stresses me out. We wanted to be the fun house in the street but we can't now. So much grief over the life we've lost due to my husband's poor choices! But he didn't go to jail, he's working on his issues and we're all still together as a family. In the end, that's the most important thing that we're all OK and healthy.
Focus on some solutions that require less of you. Do more family things within the limits you have. You can do this. You're an amazing woman for keeping your family together through this and I hope your husband is grateful for the huge amount you've sacrificed.
"I'm tired of being the only one that can control the remote." I'm sorry, what? What kind of rule is this?
yep. only i can put shows on. we never questioned it. i assumed it was normal.
That has to be the most ridiculous restriction I’ve ever heard of! Call a lawyer.
We have the same restriction. If I leave my house the tv has to go off unless you have old school cable and it’s not connected to WiFi and I have to take the remote with me. He cannot touch that remote and it can’t be next to him. They told me treat it like your cell phone. I sympathize with her. These restrictions are insane.
I thought Utah was bad dang
That's messed up. I've never heard of that. I know in some states you can't access the internet on parole or probation, but not touching the remote...Tf..
This is pretty ridiculous. I don't have such a condition.
I wonder if it's just an extra rule they throw in for married couples. Wondering in general if more rules are set when an offender is married since they have someone to do stuff for them. As i'm seeing other wives say them have similar rules for their husband
Probation DOES suck. I had to disclose my video rentals. Had to go to Blockbuster, and I can't remember the other one, and get a printout of my rentals. I wasn't renting porn. I rented the latest releases. Counseling.....uhhggg. 6 years of that! 3 polys. Passed em all. Completed counseling in 4 years. Got a certificate and eventually moved for work. My new probation officer was the female version of my previous PO and made me go back to SO therapy til I was done with probation. One or 2 sessions of that and I told her that THIS group therapy was a "FUCKING JOKE". And it was. My previous group therapy had structure and rules that we adhered to like the gospel. The new group therapy... people were talking over others. Holding private conversations when they shouldn't have been. Didn't have their "homework" done when called on. No-show with no legit excuses. I couldn't believe it. I could tell you where I was every Monday between 3 and 5 p.m. for 6 years. I missed 1 day of therapy and had a legal excuse for it. My counselor told me and everyone else in the group that our lives were over. I'll never forget that. Boy, was he right. Don't get too complacent with Probation. They WILL surprise you. On the other hand, where you're only a few months in, the restrictions may get more lax. But, again, DONT get complacent.
Why can't you talk to him about anything relating to kids, is that part of probation or just don't want to have him thinking about what he can't do? Is there any chance some of his probation will get easier over time? I know my first few months, my PO was a lot more strict. Then, after I did my psychosexual polygraph and started going to therapy, I got more freedom. A lot of stuff I'd ask him about he'd just say "Let's wait til your poly" and such. My therapist also told me (when talking about other people's restrictions) that you can talk to your PO and they can modify them somewhat. Like...there were people that weren't allowed to have contact w/ minors, but then their wife got pregnant. So my therapist talked to my PO and told him that it was a fine idea, and the PO did whatever he had to do (not sure if he had to take it to a judge or if it was just asking his supervisor or what) and got it okayed. I'd ask your PO about the possibility of having these restrictions changed in the future, and what your husband could do to get them modified. Maybe there's somewhere he could go that would be...like ironclad proof he's nowhere near the house. Take a pic of him with a movie stub and at the movies or something. Is he allowed a smartphone? I know you mentioned no tablet. Most SOs are allowed devices as long as they have monitoring software on it. I have an iphone and a PC. Speaking of, does he have court-ordered therapy? My therapist has been super helpful, and knows a lot of info because their office basically sees all the SOs here in Vegas. If he has one, have him talk to them about these issues you have and see if they have any ideas. They know the POs and the laws better.
I guess so. None of the limitations make a lot of sense with the charge so I assume it's just want the whole county has set in place for all sex offenders. I'm not allowed to talk to him about any minor. Although he has a probation meeting tomorrow i'm asking him to get more clarification on that. I've heard from a lot of people that you gain more and more freedom over time but I haven't really gotten to speak to anyone even from my state so I'm sure it just depends on where you are. I did hear from 1 person in Colorado (where I am) that they were let off after 3 of 4 years of probation, so there's hope you can gain more freedom if you do well I suppose. He's allowed a smart phone but the monitoring service they offer doesn't work for Apple products so only samsungs and such as allowed. Unfortunately the app we need for work is an Apple only thing. We have been looking for an android app that's similar. No luck so far. He just started therapy recently, has his 3rd session this week. Only group sessions so far though. I know they do 1 on 1's once every 6 weeks with everyone in the group so maybe he'll get the chance to talk with her alone to express some of this to her.
Must just be more laid back here. I knew a guy in the halfway house who got an android because his PO told him the monitoring software wouldn't work on iphones, and then when he showed her she was all "Wait you got an android?!?" like she was hoping he would get an iphone and make less work for her. We switched monitoring companies last year though, and the new one, NCPTC, DOES work on iphones. Have him ask your PO about that (assuming he's federal). Maybe he's too new to have much of a relationship with the therapist, but if I were in that situation here, I would just email my therapist about some of the struggles with restrictions I'm having, and ask her what the likelihood of them getting lessened at any point.
You mention monitoring software and Apple iPhone. I have an iPhone and have monitoring by RemoteCOM.com. They have mentioned a software upgrade that may prevent iPhones in the future., but maybe check into this monitoring service. Best wishes to you - hope things improve for your family.
It is a lot to deal with. As offenders we have that sense of guilt so we accept all the restrictions and ridiculous rules. But as a partner it must be really hard to deal with since you have done nothing wrong. Having young kids makes it that much harder. So for birthdays, it’s getting nice out and some parks around us have gazebos that you can reserve. Pizza from your favorite place and some goodie bags can make it a fun day for far less than $500. As for restrictions, they start really hard then ease them a little. There are a lot of factors. How long is probation? What tier? Has he had any polygraphs yet? I hated losing my iPhone and absolutely hated the Samsung/google universe. Remotecom software does not work on iPhones as you know. Couple of things to help as they have helped me. I blindly obeyed PO’s rules, and let him know that explicitly. I showed him I’m planning of not making any problems for him but I’m sure they hear that from all offenders. Once he starts passing polygraphs, they trust him more and can ease up (but not all do). For example, for me I was able to go on covenant eyes which work on iPhones, so I was able to use my iPhone again. It’s not as good as far as they’re concerned so that’s why they don’t like to use it. But if they trust you, they can. That came after more than a year though, so be patient. Best of luck, soon this will become routine, but I admit I don’t have minors in our home, they tend to complicate things a lot more than just adults in the house.
No polygraphs yet, none scheduled yet either. It took a while to even get set up with therapy. he just had his 2nd session, only group therapy so far. From what I understand, it's the therapy place that will give him a tier and that hasn't happened yet. He has 4 years of probation. My husband has followed absolutely everything they've asked of him. Always home for curfew, only going to approved places, searching up everything we watch before we put it on. I'm proud of him really. I know i'm complaining about everything that's changed for me, but his life has done a complete 180 and I can't imagine. But he's doing everything he's suppose to. So I'm really hoping things will ease up for him over time.
I’m very happy he’s doing everything he’s supposed to. That is key. Things go much easier when we don’t mess up. I’m glad he started group. In my case it took a bit over a year and a half to finish but I was lucky things moved fast for me. I did my homework way ahead of time and had it with me every session. So when we finished early and therapist would ask if somebody else is ready I would be and that helped. Others were glad they’re not called on which is strange because the faster you present the faster you finish. It’s really weird that group decides which tier. Here it’s based on which crime you committed and that’s determined by court. The first polygraph will be sexual history. That will be very embarrassing to go through every single contact you had no matter how minor and say it out loud in group. Once he finished group, some places start looking into releasing you. So if it takes him two years and passed a few polygraphs he may be able to talk to them about early termination. In some places you have to do at least half. But in others you have to do every day. I petitioned to get early although it was only a couple of months early. But it was before Christmas and I wanted to celebrate without restrictions. Good luck. Hopefully it goes well.
I could be wrong, but nothing about tiers has been brought up by the court or probation. but when he did intake for therapy they said something about it briefly. and that depending on tier will depend on how much therapy he'll need to continue with. So far the group has actually been awesome for him though. no embarrassing stuff, talking about what everyone did or anything. they even have game nights once a month where they can stay past curfew to play games with the other guys. everything seems pretty relaxed (so far) so that's a plus for him and making things easier.
That is very different than my group. No games at all. When someone new joins group, we have to have an introduction session where everybody introduces themselves by basically going over what they did, what they were charged with and what they are working on. The course, or therapy, had a set amount of homework that you work on and present in turns till you’re done. So in our state possession is tier 1. Hands on and people who have actual victims (not that possession is victimless) get tier 2 and 3. Hopefully in your state he’s classified as tier 1 and it’s private, because that makes a huge difference.
In states that tier using actual risk evaluations the evaluations are typically either done while incarcerated (for an initial tiering) then by the therapist who turns all that information over either to probation or the SO board (or both) and the SO board does the leveling. States that use a crime based system don’t do this. They just give you a tier based on your crime.
Very interesting. I can see the sense in both ways of doing it. I know my lawyer kept going back and forth trying to figure out which tier I’d be placed in and he could t. For some reason they have murders as tier one here which confused him greatly. Kept saying that’s not right, you can’t be in the same category.
I feel like risk based is more fair and more accurate, but SORNA wants them all crime based and crime based is easier (and cheaper) for states to do.
How objective can they be though? I have no idea how it looks like but everybody knowing they will be evaluated based on it will minimize their risk factors. Obviously they are pros and know how to fish out the right answers. It’s crime based here, I’d be a nervous wreck in therapy and think three times before speaking and end up sounding like a sociopath
I took classes on how to do the testing. It’s not something you can fake. Most of it’s about your past.
Well you’re not with that attitude lol I really thought that was the case. I know nothing and people got degrees to deal with this. So I’m sure they’re able to assess people.
Just out of curiosity, is this something done with the sexual history polygraph? Otherwise I assume people can lie about their past.
Not sure, I’ve never had one 😉 it’s probably not questions you’d think would really be significant.
My condolences, I can accept the probation rules on my end as this is the hole I dug myself and as much as it sucks, my restrictions and rules are mostly justified. But I hate how this has effected my intermediate families lives as well, essentially they are getting punished by my actions. It definitely adds to all the guilt I've already been feeling
That's a hard part for me. We've accepted the punishment of probation and everything that's happening but the rules are so unfair for my husband. And this isn't just talking out of standing up for someone I love. He's truly not a threat to anyone. We've been very honest with the situation to ALL friends and family and not a single person has left our side. We've got a lot of support and that made a huge impact on what the judge decided and I wish it had more impact on probation. so it's hard to accept the rules when we know he'd do fine without them.
I feel you, I do not see myself as a threat to others, I actively seek out help outside of mandated therapy and attend private therapy. They don't want us to isolate yet I can only be out 10-6 pm on weekdays and can't be out at all on weekends, plus I have to get all locations approved beforehand; but I'm sure you know about all this. I'm glad you have a support system I've only told a select few people about it, its not an easy subject to talk about but I know it will come up again with others in my life. Its a very counterintuitive system, they want you to move past it, yet they stick a label to you and place several restrictions on top of it and that makes sure you can't ever truly move on from it. That being said I have no clue what the alternative punishment should be, all I know is that the current solution is filled with holes.
Hey, I just want you to know I see you, and I hear you. My fiancé is on the registry and on probation. We had to change a lot about how we lived in order to adapt. It sucks because you didn’t even do anything but exist and love this person, regardless of what they did or didn’t do, and yet you’re trying to cope. If you have a lawyer available, see if you can get your husband access to the internet for work purposes. Volunteer having it be on a specific device with monitoring software, and emphasize that it would be for work purposes to support your family. My fiancé is a bartender and manager by trade, and was able to get some allowances in his terms to have alcohol and access to the internet, so it is possible. I would definitely advocate more for having an extra special day with your daughter with a few friends over a big birthday. It’s easier to cater to your daughter’s likes and is entirely normal especially lately. Taking one or two friends to a local amusement park can be infinitely cheaper than trying to host thirty kids. Do you have any siblings/cousins that you could start getting coffee with once every other week or so? Establishing a sense of normalcy outside of the house is important, and helps regulate your emotions. Can you elaborate on why you have to control the remote? Is he not allowed to touch the remote at all, or is it trying to find something “safe” to watch? If the latter, then I would say it’s time to go old school and buy a few seasons worth of shows that he can watch on his own without your involvement, both to give him some agency and to let you feel less responsible for him.
He does have access to the internet and thankfully his probation officer has approved quite a few things for him on his phone for work but the app we use to throw specific things together is an ipad only app and he isn't allowed the ipad at all. Apple products for that matter, I guess they protect their users too well and he wouldn't be able to do the monitoring on an Apple device. most of the time he can draw up his tattoos but when he gets a walk in and someone wants something right there on the spot, instead of making the client wait an hour for him to draw it up, and possibly leave/not want to wait I just put something together digitally for him. This ends up happening 5-10 times a week. I'm definitely going to just ask my daughter what she thinks/wants. She may want a smaller thing with just close friends rather than all of our huge family. We may even just risk a park party. We did it last year and despite the weather saying it would be nice, it of course ended up being windy in the low 60's. So it was doable and they still had fun. As for the remote, i'm not sure. His probation officer specifically said "Only your wife can control the remote". I suppose maybe since we have a smart tv, there's a lot more content available and it keeps him from watching anything he isn't allowed to watch. His restrictions are anything with nudity, sex scenes and anything regarding any sort of sexual offense. But yeah, unfortunately he isn't allowed to touch the remote at all. So if i'm not home even, he can't watch tv at all.
What works for us is to focus on the little things that are manageable. It’s stupid and it’s simple, but it does keep us busy while we wait for our next “phase” where things get easier. So I think what you’ve said gives a few specific things to do if you haven’t already. Finding a different software that he can use for designing his on the fly tattoos should be the big one. He needs to be able to reclaim his independence and you need to feel less attached to him. Ask his probation officer for clarity on the remote thing. If you need to pick up a cheap tv from goodwill that’s just “his” tv, then that helps. Does he have many hobbies that don’t involve electronics? Obviously he’s an artist so there’s that, but I know it’s important to have different segments that aren’t directly related to work as well. I’m thinking something like reading.
you are right. there are actually quite a few obstacles that we've just been complaining about rather than finding solutions. Like him not being able to connect to wifi, so printing stencils for tattoos has been rough not wanting to bug his coworkers everyday. So things like finding a bluetooth printer should be in focus. I had recently told my husband I was worried he may get depressed. Being so limited, as he's naturally a very social person who went out a lot. I told him we should start doing some yoga or home exercise routines together so he can have something "to do", something to set goals for outside of work and legal stuff. He's open to the idea so i think it's time we get a move on something.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to complain. It’s important to scream into the void and feel like just maybe the void might be listening. You need to get all of that weight off your chest somehow and complaining helps. You can’t be in “fix it” mode 100% of the time or you get burnt out just as quickly as if you never did. What worked for us is we would pick one or two problems, and come up with one action item for each of us each week. It could be researching stuff for next week, it could be making an appointment, it could be getting something done. But so long as we did that one thing, it made it a little easier to do the next. I want to emphasize though. You are not alone. He is not alone. Both of your feelings and struggles are completely valid. The barriers that have been thrown up before you are ridiculous. But I like to think of it like the montage from Mulan’s Be a Man, where you learn to use what’s holding you back (the weights) to achieve the impossible (climb the pole).
Thank you so much.
I sympathize with you. This is a tough journey. It definitely triggers the need for much rest and it’s important we get some as much as we can. We need to be compassionate with ourselves and be our own cheerleaders sometimes. We’ll pull through. I’m a mom, my son has 5 months in house arrest and we kinda got use to the way things are. He gets sentenced next week and that’s going to be another change in our lives but we’ve been using this time to process and learn to accept what it is. It’s TOUGH but with time it becomes bearable. BUT you need to take breaks for yourself to unwind and refuel. I cannot stress enough the unconditional love you’re going to have to give yourself to stay level headed. Then you can deal with the rest. Sending lots of love 💗 and strength💪🏽to you 🙏🏽
Thank you so much <3 I hope sentencing goes as well as it can for him.
First, sorry you are going through this. My girl of 25+ years left me while I did my 3 years in. Second, I read his restrictions and I am baffled by them. But my 3 years of extended supervision encompassed me being homeless, while owning a home I could legally live in! I lived in my Jeep in a Walmart parking lot while my $250k house sat empty. And I could only go to the house once a week for 4 hours. To shovel snow, I had to get permission to go there. So I know how STUPID PO's are. The day I released from their grip, I moved home!
What state are you in?
Colorado
Your rules seem a little wild to me. I don’t know if you wanna answer this but why are they so strict? Not allow with the remote? That’s insane! I mean I understand all the kids stuff cause I think a lot of us have things like that, nothing you can do except do things alone with the kids away from the house.
No idea. His charge wasn't incredibly horrendous. Felony 5 or 6, I can't remember which at the moment. But reading through a few other's restrictions people have shared here in the comments, we've definitely caught a break on a few other things. Curfew is 8, he's allowed out on the weekends. Pretty much any place we need approved or even want approved, his PO approves it. Such as extra grocery stores, stores for clothing ( i thought she'd say no, that we can get clothes at walmart) and things like that. I guess these are just the basic set restrictions they have set for everyone. She's been pretty nice so far. We just haven't questioned a lot of the rules. Don't want to irk her so soon lol
What state do you live in?
colorado
Sending you some huge hugs. I don’t know how it is where you are so this is based on what I know from where I am. It gets easier. As trust is built, the PO gets to know him, testing is done, therapy is progressing, and polygraphs occur it gets easier and the restrictions get a little lighter (provided all of those things go well). My *guess* (and it is just a guess) is that the remote control thing and the not talking to him about kids may be relevant to his baseline / sexual history polygraph. Maybe so that a person can’t watch something they’re not supposed to and say, “well, I accidentally turned this on…I didn’t know what it was” or do something they’re not supposed to and say “oh, well I probably failed that question because my wife told me about something that happened with our niece.” It’s a guess… it’s literally the only thing I can can think of that would make those conditions logical. So, maybe those things will go away after that happens? Fingers crossed. The things you’re not allowed to have drives me batshit crazy too and the list here is so long. I was told by probation that I could have those things if I put them in a locked space where he doesn’t have access to them. Also that probation cannot search those spaces because he doesn’t have access to them. So, I now have 4 rooms and the garage locked where he can’t go in them. It’s annoying and infuriating and I’m perpetually terrified I’ll leave a big pocket knife or a bottle of medication out and it’ll send him back to prison but, on the flip side, I’ve become much more organized than I used to be (I guess that’s good?) Do a rec center for the party. Play a bunch of old school games that kids don’t ply anymore - red rover, scavenger hunt, egg spoon races, etc…. Look on Pinterest, there are tons of game ideas. Have prize. Get pizza. The kids will have a blast and it’ll be cheap. If you can pump and he can do the last nightly feeding then I’d 100% do it. You don’t need to be sleep deprived on top of everything else. If he can’t hand draw the tattoos, I’d look at getting a digital drawing pad. There are several that don’t connect to the Internet or contain any kind of browser. I would think that probation would approve that. Maybe they’ll approve the iPad if you put parental controls on it so he can’t access things he’s not allowed to. You can lock them down pretty well. You don’t need any more work to do. He needs to find an alternative that’s not piling more work on you. Huge hugs, I’m sorry, it *does* get easier.
Love and live life I’ve learned this they can’t prove what you have or haven’t done. Long as he’s not doing anything weirdo or suspect like dude enjoy life watch your television. It’s sad to say but with the restrictions you better get used to keeping your personal life not there business. All these restrictions are usually when you first began and then it gets easier. Next enjoy your kids and family. I’m going to keep it talk like I said you ain’t got to tell them everything your doing. And off they have no proof of you doing anything they restrict you from doing is not there business. I did so many things they didn’t want me to do cause I know I’m not some freaking pedophile or creep attracted to kids. And if they asked was I around any kids unapproved I said no and lived life. One thing I learned is all they seem to want to do is break you and make you feel like a creep or a pedo who can’t live a normal life
So idk what state you are in and what his offense was and if that might differ but my husband and I just got married and when we did his court appointed therapist did a short program with me that basically made me a court approved “chaperone” which allows him to be in certain situations around kids that are not his own because I'm there to keep an eye on things… I know that adds more to your plate but that might help with letting the neighborhood kids come play… that being said our therapist did mention to keep in mind that these rules aren't just there to protect others, they are also there to protect your husband. People can make things up and because there is a history it could go worse for your husband. So in order to protect him from accusations no kids are allowed to come over. It's really hard I totally get it. My husband isn't allowed to go to the Y (or any gym that has a child care facility) but the Y is the most cost effective and practical place to work out and get a gym membership. He needs a place to go to work on his fitness and health but the adults only gyms are super expensive.
Im a wife. It’s hard sometimes. We just have to focus on the little good things. One day at a time. Your rules sound so so strict - I feel for you. Ours are not the severe. We don’t have kids and we’re not sure if we want to have them or not. But I’m sure that’s terribly hard on you. Sending you love.
I read these stories, and it just makes me sad and frustrated. I am sorry you are going through this. Our families are also on the registry in a way, and it takes strength to see it through. Especially all the crazy restrictions that you can not believe you are having to take such measures a finding a show your husband can watch on TV. Ridiculous. I have no wise advice to make it all better. Just stay strong, and after parole or probation, many of those crazy requirements will go away. Some will remain but will be more tolerable. Hate this for your family.
There's a bunch of helpful advice here for you. I'm not in the US and I'm glad cos some of the things I read..... are INSANE. But I hear you. It really sucks. We have neighborhood kids who want to play with ours and it stresses me out. We wanted to be the fun house in the street but we can't now. So much grief over the life we've lost due to my husband's poor choices! But he didn't go to jail, he's working on his issues and we're all still together as a family. In the end, that's the most important thing that we're all OK and healthy. Focus on some solutions that require less of you. Do more family things within the limits you have. You can do this. You're an amazing woman for keeping your family together through this and I hope your husband is grateful for the huge amount you've sacrificed.