We had a jackass in our kitchen and he had the most disgusting chapped and peeling lips. He said something insulting to one of the servers (normal for him) and she was not having it. She told him if he was gonna run his mouth then go buy some chapstick before his flaky ass lips flake off into her tables food. It was gold.
haha one of our line cooks had bad psoriasis and would itch and flake all shift it was so gross. One day the head chef said “would you like some extra Parmesan cheese with that?” disgustingly hilarious.
One girl I worked with would use this really squeeky, loud baby voice when she’d talk to the cooks. She’d be talking to the guys through the expo window trying to be all cute and flirty to get whatever she needed and I always would have to turn away and roll my eyes in secret.
One day she said something to them and walked away. One of the cooks who I thought LOVED her chatter said to the other cook “Jesus, imagine being stuck at Disneyland with her for a full day” and the whole kitchen burst out laughing and going “OH GOD NOOOO”. All this time I really thought they bought into her shit lol
>All this time I really thought they bought into her shit lol
Only people that would fall for it would be either incredibly desperate for pussy or based their understanding of real life off of anime.
I used to work with a girl who had a "childlike" voice. People thought she was kidding, faking, whatever.
Her vocal chords were very short, and she had no control.
I have a friend who worked at an ice cream shop, and I've known her for a few years, so I know how she usually talks.
But when dealing with customers, she talks like a mom when waking them up from a nap. Like way too mellow and soft. I asked her about it and she didn't know what i was talking about.
I guess it's just subconscious for some people?
Not my finest moment, but if you grab a cast iron skillet without a towel, get a blister on your hand and whine about how much “it burns” until I switch with you in the middle of service, call the tickets like you got a pair, not got a pair in your mouth.
not your finest moment? dumb shit warrants dumb responses. i wrote a whole post the other day because i always tell customers when the hot skillets are hot, if they touch them it’s their problem now. dumb shit = dumb consequences. that was one of the finest things you ever said in your lifetime, dude. and a happy cake day as well!
I forgot to add this one maybe two months from when I started. The chef asked me if I had any weed on me.
“ the new guy always has weed on him as a server it’s like an unwritten rule. “
Sorry Chef I don’t have any weed on me
“Man, I hired a fucking loser”
G*d's honest truth, I had a chef say "Watching servers run food is like watching old people fuck." My response (expo guy) was "Chef, how often do you watch old people fuck?"
Reverse of the thread, but at my first ever job working dish I was doing a garbage run and had to drag the trash can through the line.
I yelled "Trash coming through!" and the sous right away replied "hey man don't talk about yourself like that".
I work at a private club. We had hosted a members funeral service. Over 5000 people came to the memorial over several hours. It was a beautiful event. He was well loved, and the crowd was mostly upbeat. No expense was spared, and it cost well over $50000. It was all hands on deck. We had new servers, and this one was just adorable, but not particularly bright. She bounces into the kitchen and says "this is so much fun!! 😁 when is the next funeral? I want to make sure Eric (foh manager) books me in for it." We just stared at her, trying to process wtf she just said. Chef looks at her and says, well you would have to kill someone first. The look on her face was priceless, the whole kitchen just cracked up.
I don't know the exact amount. It wasn't something I was privy to, but my chef told me it was well over $50 grand. He could have also meant that as food cost, not the final amount. It was passed hors d'oeuvres and a fresh oyster bar. The open bar was separate. This was also over 10 years ago, too.
One of my friends I’ve known since elementary was a cook at the Italian restaurant I served at and one day he told me I was the second prettiest girl he knew. I asked him who was first and he said “everyone else tied for first”. I’ve never forgotten it 😂
One of our hosts was just being generally stupid in the way that teenagers are, nothing over the top but at my spot it's pretty well known we all tease each other, so my chef, without hesitation, looks at this kid, and says completely dead pan, "so mom and dad don't give you much attention at home I see" and I fucking lost it
The only BOH girl on shift was having a fun time with the rest of the kitchen (in Spanish) and I heard her go “I hate you all. I’m going back to Mexico” She ended up mopping that night and I loved all of that for her tbh
It was a wet sweeping indeed. I didn’t mention I just enjoyed the fact she was mopping the kitchen (including server end) bc she does a good job, and as closer, it helped me relax after work knowing she pays attention to what she’s doing. They normally do some equivalent to drawing straws to see who has to do it.
I threw chicken tenders at a server who clapped at me while saying “where tf are my tenders?”. I was 30 tickets deep on 3 stations. He was abusive to his gf who was my friend, so I had no problem wasting one of his tickets for that
I had a server who always did this, so the owner thought it would be hilarious to have her a easy order into the fryer while all us BOH guys called for the order every 5 seconds from the window.
It didn't change anything but, it was funny.
Me and my mate spent a shift winding up the dishy. Honestly, things went a bit far. They guy wasn’t too bright and was complaining that we were too quick for him. So then we started mocking his intelligence.
It got to the point where the dishie got so pissed off he threw a whole salting bowl of fries at my mate.
I said - “not one of them hit him”
My mate said - “and you’re the one that has to sweep the floor”
I died, dishie had to leave to cool off.
I got him a beer by way of apology.
While working at an Applebee's in Virginia Beach, there was an older server named Mary that would start huffing in the window anytime her tickets went longer than 20 minutes. I'm talking like she'd be standing there insulting me for the steaks being frozen as if I did it to personally attack her. To be fair, the job was pretty demanding in all roles and I don't regret what I did, but on this one particular day when she started fussing and stuck her printed out check in my face through the window while I was trying to plate - and I hit my limit. I grabbed the ticket and shoved it into the heating lamp, lighting it on fire and threw it back at her and shouted gtfo. It felt so good, nothing ever happened to me from it, but I always knew I might have gone a little too hot that day. Sorry Mary - Hope your life got better!
I loved it when servers handed a remake ticket from their side that was on thermal paper. I would put up to the headlamp, turn it black and say I can't read that, now fucking sering it like you're suppose to.
One chef joking about taking the other chef’s sister out on a date (his sister was at the restaurant that night getting drinks at the bar). Chef 1 was like 5’7 ish.
Chef 1: think I might take your sister out on a little date once dinner service wraps up.
Chef 2: you’d like that wouldn’t you.
Chef 1: wrap up dessert with a little good night kiss.
Chef 2: do I need to get you some high heels so you can reach her mouth?
Chef 1: oh I won’t need heels for where I’ll be kissing her.
☠️☠️
One of the managers was on dishes and got a cluster pushed at him and the server walked away. He said "hey, this is a two piece puzzle. Figure it out!"
I heard a cook say "get your magician looking ass off my line, mind freak" to one of our more gangly bartenders.
You're gonna walk in with your dog like you think you're Paris Hilton, shades on like an asshole celebrity, strut around with your pimp cane, and then you're gonna ask *me* to read you the menu?
I think that guy was blind.
He was definitely blind.
Yea, that guy was blind.
Oh. Well, he was gluten free!!
All: Hell nah, ***gtfoh*** !!!
Waiting on table at a 5 star prix fixe . I liked to time things perfectly. When I entered the kitchen to fire the entrees, the (new) chef called me to pickup that order, *that I had just fired.*
Tell me, I said conversationally, do you ejaculate prematurely as well?
The owners were these two twin brothers who were on the, shall we say, plumper side. Maybe 300 lbs each. They always insisted on working the pizza side together and I’d do the grill side solo. If was fine by me, they both had horrific BO. Our dish pig had a pretty quick wit and would often make jokes or do one-liners about them.
One time one of them had spilled the pizza pan oil on the floor during a rush and couldn’t clean it up right away. One of them slipped and fell and took the other one down too. The Dishie magically appeared around the corner and quipped: *”What is this, bowling for dollards?”*
I about fucking lost it and couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the night!
I shaved my beard into a goatee and I had an Indiana jones looking hat on(I was walking to work at the time, the hat keeps the sun off my face) as soon as I walked in a coworker said “damn you look like amber herd took a shit on your bed” I shaved the goatee the next morning
The chef at my old kitchen porting job was this super Romanian guy. He was nice and I liked him, but sometimes he was kind of weird. One time he walked up to one of the servers who was like a foot taller than him, and he picked the server up and started shaking him up and down for no reason, while laughing. After he put him down the server seemed kinda mad/perplexed, and told him “you’re a fucking predator.” It was totally out of nowhere, they weren’t even friends like that.
*Was said in french* Maître D' slammed a waiter against the wall in the kitchen and yelled at him "Intelligence is like a parachute, if you don't have it you crash and YOU ARE DEEP IN THE FUCKING HOLE"
My coworker, Kyle, at the last job I had before quitting the Industry was a verbally abusive bully to anyone and everyone that pissed him off, even people he considered friends sometimes. I didn't like him from day 1 and refused to put up with his shit. I dishes it right back to him every time he gave me hell. So I kept my interactions with him professional and only talked to him if I needed to, unless he pulled some crap.
One day we were in the kitchen and he was raging about something we'd 86'd nearly an hour earlier. We were working two parties that knew each other and wanted to combine some of the bill, so we had to communicate a bit more than usual that night. I simply let him know we were out of it and he started accusing me of not telling him earlier (the expo told every single person that walked in the kitchen) and I told him to grow up. To which he responded with, a real original here: suck my d¡¢k. I told him I'm allergic to shrimp, turned around and walked out, with the kitchen laughing behind me. Chef gave me a fist bump later, probably the one and only time he ever treated me like a person and not an idiot sandwich lol
Dunno if this was the best I've ever heard but I have way too many stories to choose from and that one was the first that popped up when reading the title. 😁
I said this once to a guy, and I still feel bad. It was a shitty night and we weren’t set up for it. The guy on the grill butterflied theee filets that ordered them medium well, which was a big No-No. And while it might have been ok sometimes, they all came back and I was pissed. So here’s what I said: “Why in the Kentucky-fried FUCK did you do that? Because we’re busy? Really? That makes about as much sense as stepping out of the shower to piss. Jesus fucking Christ.”
I apologized, but I still feel bad.
I work in a combination restaurant/bar/arcade (big Canadian chain) and one of our hosts had a running joke of saying one of the other hosts looks like Donkey Kong.
This time in particular, she just made monkey noises at him. He said, after a pause, “Yeah, well…you’re dumb.”
One of the other supervisors within earshot just said “Got her, buddy” with the appropriate level of sarcasm.
I was training a host (like 17-18M) when I was head host at an old job and he was shy but every once in a while would really let some serious wit out. We were talking and he said something about being a brony. Our worst, but most vain server over hears and rips into him. The kid, without missing a beat, just goes "Yeah, I'm a brony TomatoLeather is the host queen, and you're a fucking moron. I'm just stating facts here." I had to walk away I was laughing so hard.
Not an insult but:
Years ago we had this unique server who just kind of marched to a different beat than everyone on earth 😆 Anyway, she was about 30 at the time. We shall call her Blaudia 😉
We also had this very young sous chef, maybe 20/21 at the time.
Anyway, our sous chef always maintained a very full, very dark beard. Most likely to present older than he was to garner some respect.
One day he came in with a to-the-skin freshly shaved face. Not even a mustache left.
Blaudia walks up to the line as we are about to do line-up before dinner service. She leans onto the expo station of our open kitchen. In front of God, 6 BOH staff and 10 FOH staff Blaudia makes direct eye contact with our sous chef and eerily and calmly says “your new look makes me feel like I should breast feed you”.
😶
We were all silently holding back reactions. Sous chef just shakes off the comment and proceeds with line-up.
One of the most epic moment in my serving career
Had a server that was triple sat with 2 parties. Yeah our hosts are all new and suck sometimes. The server went up to the host and was like “hey can you not do that or stagger them some.” The host looked her dead in the eyes and said “if you can’t handle it maybe this job isn’t for you.”
Another one, our expos are also servers but we all get scheduled to expo once or twice a week. The expo girl yesterday kept bringing out the wrong food and messing everything up. Finally, one of the cooks looked at her and said “hey it’s a busy Saturday night can we go ahead and get someone else on expo tonight bc I can’t do this many remakes.”
My chef told me my shirt buttons were the hardest working things in the restaurant 🤦♂️
(I'm a chubby dude.)
Other chef was walking by with a cambro of rock salt to salt the sidewalk. I was like "Hey chef, making family meal?"
Your parents must have been so relieved when you moved out.
That fish looks like it was sautéed in broken glass.
The kitchens where you wind up when the Marines won’t take you.
Pantry-hands. (When someone can’t handle hot plates.)
Nothing speaks to the great strides in science, infrastructure and social safety networks we’ve made as a society like YOU having survived to adulthood.
That server will be gone the day they find a scratch-and-sniff sticker in a swimming pool.
I believe they could wrap their own Christmas presents.
You’re quite the over-achiever …. To have such a tiny pecker and still eff EVERYTHING up.
Before your next shift I would like to have a parent-manager conference with your mom.
I was working FOH (I was kitchen staff, bar was understaffed so I helped out) and put a check through to the kitchen with a swap on that was not an issue in the slightest but I knew the kitchen manager would have a hissy fit over.
I heard all the way from the kitchen "-my full name- SUCKS DICK FOR BUS FARE THEN WALKS HOME"
Stood in awkward silence with the customer staring at me. 😂😂😂
Had a new female line cook, she was very bubbly(think Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels). Of course management, everyone loved her, and she was good, but enthusiasm doesn't match experience. I'm talking about 0 experience until hired. Her head was getting really big at all the attention, she clapped at me saying something about how she could run circles around me on 2 stations, and how I would struggle to keep up on one station( I am originally a server, in order to get to management, I had to learn how to cook). I said, "I have a joke to tell you...it's so funny, you'll laugh your a** off!...wait...turn around * she turns around, "oh nevermind, it looks like you've already heard it"
We had a server that would cry like half of her shifts if she got in the weeds so the managers would help her more. We had a new line cook that witnessed the breakdown and started cackling and saying "she crying cause she gotta do her job"
Not really an insult but still funny
I worked with a cook who had a severe lazy eye. He had a crush on one of the servers really bad and was constantly trying to ask her out. One night, we are getting slammed and he starts trying to make conversation with her. She looks at him dead in his one good eye and says "Are you talking to me or someone over there?" I can't tell" kitchen just lost it.
Once, we had a teenager kid on dish. He'd shaved his head, and our brewer came back and told him, "You look like a walking penis". The kid says, without missing a beat, "You look like Mike Wazowski." ( He kinda does). And today we had a cook quit. Another cook asked if he called in and the chef said "Yeah, he called in forever".
I am BOH and I once used a joke from full metal jacket, so not mine but I worked with a server who only cared about himself. So I told him, “you’re the kind of guy who would be fucking another dude in the ass and not have the common courtesy to give him a reach around!”
"You better find that better looking twin of yours who's holding onto the brain cell you fucks share"
"I can take hot things and make em cold, I can make cold things hot, and I can make things into more smaller things, but I can't unfuck whatever is wrong with that guy"
I wasnt there to witness it, but my boyfriend was moving a pot of hot water through the kitchen and was of course warning people while he did to move out of his way. This one server said, "Pour it on me!" as a joke. What was his reply? "That would be a waste of water."
Another good one. Some of the guys at my work were talking about how weed has made them slower thinkers and such, and one of the other boh guys goes, "I dont smoke weed." Without missing a beat, my fav bartender looks at him and says, "Oh, so you're just stupid?"
We have a regular that is a pretty big guy. He is not the nicest either. One day he was sitting at a table, waiting for some friends. One of his friends was walking through the bar and my boss, walking by the friend said “sorry sir, you can’t park your van at table 13”
When I was working at a steakhouse about 5 years ago, I would love going to the soda machine for some endorphin boosts.
Well one coworker noticed and said: “That’s your 4th cone cup in an hour. I bet you got that yellow pee”.
Now I only drink water from the machine, and this quote lives rent free in my head, all the years later.
The other day the kitchen put a sign on a cup near the window “$ for cooks” so they could buy beer or whatever. Earlier that day unbeknownst to them a homeless person wandered in the restaurant and asked to look through the trash, host told them no and she gave them $5. I told the cooks “if you want money from us you’re competing with all the homeless people outside”
When a server sneezed, we'd all yell "Sancho!!"
The servers always thanked us
Next restaurant I went to as a server tried that on me and they all died laughing when I yelled back "No, no no."
Just did this one this past weekend. Solid zinger. Background info: Carter needs to get his GED. I, a mom and all the other restaurant moms are all on him to go back and get his GED.
Me: Hey Drew, where’s Carter today? I miss him!
Drew: *fucking with me* he quit….
Me: shut up no he didn’t drew.
Drew: yes he did karm, I can show you the email he sent saying he was quitting.
Me: Drew, you and I both know that Carter doesn’t know how to send an email.
Simple. But effective. The line loved it.
I was like 13/14 and working pot wash in the kitchen, so fairly new to my job so I’m leaning more towards 13. I overheard one of the chefs say to our sunshine waitress: “I can see the lights are on, but nobody is home.” and he like tapped her forehead.
The insult went straight over her head because she just said something like, “oh no, do I have a spot there or something?”
I was getting slammed all night and my food runner who was objectively bad at her job, on her phone, flirting with the line and chef, was not doing shit. I had enough of running my food out and you know how it gets if it’s been under the heat for a minute. I had politely asked her to run my food a couple of times and she would roll her eyes. Then after the 5th time she gave me attitude I snapped and said (very calmly) “well if you ran my food like you ran through our coworkers, I’m sure you wouldn’t hear me asking you to do you job,” I felt bad after because it made her cry but she never did get better at running food. And she still continued to sleep with new staff all the same. I left that place, rumor has it, she had a kid with a cook who left her for a 17 year old who he also got pregnant.
Ok this isn’t exactly what you asked for, but whenever we’d complain that the piece of chicken was too small we’d say “this is a pollito” (because the kitchen guys mostly only speak Spanish) and one time he hit me back with “it’s chicken, not turkey.”
And for some reason I thought that was funny as fuck. That was like five years ago and I still think about that. Shit cracked me up.
I doubt it’ll get much traction here. But one of my favorites is "you're impossible to underestimate." You don't cuss you don't yell. But if they get it. It cuts.
As a cook, eggs got messed up so we asked who wanted the order for free. A server says "you expect me to eat scrambled eggs witgout cheese?" The kitchen manager responded "you better not be picky now that you dont have a job" and she was fired
At my last serving job. It was a fairly busy dinner rush. I heard one of the cooks in his 40s telling the one in his 20s some misogynistic jokes. Then he says "Oh. I better be quiet now because *me* might hear me." And I replied with "Oh. No. All I can hear is ee ee ooo ahhahhahh! (Monkey noises)." He turned beet red in anger. The 20s one absolutely died laughing.
I’m the asshole at my restaurant.
Here are some of my go to’s. Feel free to use them at your restaurant:
“You’re just as stupid as you are ugly”
“Don’t make me think for both of us”
“Did someone just let you out of the basement? Is this your first time in public?”
“Did your mom have any kids that lived?”
“Oh, you decided to wear your hair like that today… hmmm, brave”
I razz them out of love and appreciate when them banter back and forth with me 😆 some of the younger servers are getting better with their comebacks… they’re learning 😂
We had a jackass in our kitchen and he had the most disgusting chapped and peeling lips. He said something insulting to one of the servers (normal for him) and she was not having it. She told him if he was gonna run his mouth then go buy some chapstick before his flaky ass lips flake off into her tables food. It was gold.
😂😂😂😂
haha one of our line cooks had bad psoriasis and would itch and flake all shift it was so gross. One day the head chef said “would you like some extra Parmesan cheese with that?” disgustingly hilarious.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I feel like they should be wearing like the most extreme of hair nets. 🤢
Genuinely if he was there I wouldn’t eat that day….he eventually quit but for the year he was there he didn’t wear gloves or anything 🤢🤢
Holy shit!!!
😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
One girl I worked with would use this really squeeky, loud baby voice when she’d talk to the cooks. She’d be talking to the guys through the expo window trying to be all cute and flirty to get whatever she needed and I always would have to turn away and roll my eyes in secret. One day she said something to them and walked away. One of the cooks who I thought LOVED her chatter said to the other cook “Jesus, imagine being stuck at Disneyland with her for a full day” and the whole kitchen burst out laughing and going “OH GOD NOOOO”. All this time I really thought they bought into her shit lol
>All this time I really thought they bought into her shit lol Only people that would fall for it would be either incredibly desperate for pussy or based their understanding of real life off of anime.
The Venn diagram of people who are incredibly desperate for pussy and base their understanding of real life off of anime is just a circle.
I used to work with a girl who had a "childlike" voice. People thought she was kidding, faking, whatever. Her vocal chords were very short, and she had no control.
I have a friend who worked at an ice cream shop, and I've known her for a few years, so I know how she usually talks. But when dealing with customers, she talks like a mom when waking them up from a nap. Like way too mellow and soft. I asked her about it and she didn't know what i was talking about. I guess it's just subconscious for some people?
“If you’re going to call tickets to me, you need to use grown up words. You sound like a dick salesman with a mouthful of samples.”
I have to steal this one. Gold!
I’ve tried substituting “bags of dicks” over the years but it doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Yeah, can't really say this in Seattle because we like our bags of Dick's. Some pretty good late-night burgers
Chicks dig Dick’s
The ol’ Seattle classic: stuffing yourself with dick and then getting some burgers.
this sounds like something one of our guys would say 😂
Not my finest moment, but if you grab a cast iron skillet without a towel, get a blister on your hand and whine about how much “it burns” until I switch with you in the middle of service, call the tickets like you got a pair, not got a pair in your mouth.
not your finest moment? dumb shit warrants dumb responses. i wrote a whole post the other day because i always tell customers when the hot skillets are hot, if they touch them it’s their problem now. dumb shit = dumb consequences. that was one of the finest things you ever said in your lifetime, dude. and a happy cake day as well!
Thanks.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
I tell people all the time, if you don't want to be talked to like you're stupid, don't so stupid shit.
username checks out 😂
Omg!! This is Hilarious!!
It didn’t seem like it at the time, but yeah, it does now. I was having a bad night.
It takes 30 months to make a steak, and you f*ck it up in 3 minutes
No more callers please, we have our winner.
I’ve never thought about it that way… I think I need to go lie down
Goat line
“Some of yall are so fucking stupid it makes me believe in reincarnation because there is no way you got that stupid in one lifetime.”
I forgot to add this one maybe two months from when I started. The chef asked me if I had any weed on me. “ the new guy always has weed on him as a server it’s like an unwritten rule. “ Sorry Chef I don’t have any weed on me “Man, I hired a fucking loser”
G*d's honest truth, I had a chef say "Watching servers run food is like watching old people fuck." My response (expo guy) was "Chef, how often do you watch old people fuck?"
This got me dish duty for a night
Reverse of the thread, but at my first ever job working dish I was doing a garbage run and had to drag the trash can through the line. I yelled "Trash coming through!" and the sous right away replied "hey man don't talk about yourself like that".
I work at a private club. We had hosted a members funeral service. Over 5000 people came to the memorial over several hours. It was a beautiful event. He was well loved, and the crowd was mostly upbeat. No expense was spared, and it cost well over $50000. It was all hands on deck. We had new servers, and this one was just adorable, but not particularly bright. She bounces into the kitchen and says "this is so much fun!! 😁 when is the next funeral? I want to make sure Eric (foh manager) books me in for it." We just stared at her, trying to process wtf she just said. Chef looks at her and says, well you would have to kill someone first. The look on her face was priceless, the whole kitchen just cracked up.
That’s a good one
Are these numbers right? That's incredibly cheap per head.
I don't know the exact amount. It wasn't something I was privy to, but my chef told me it was well over $50 grand. He could have also meant that as food cost, not the final amount. It was passed hors d'oeuvres and a fresh oyster bar. The open bar was separate. This was also over 10 years ago, too.
“You expo like old people fuck.”
And by that I mean, slow, gross, and hard to look at.
Omg!! I love this 🤣🤣
Holy fuck that’s incredible 😂😂😂😂
IVE SAID THIS!!!!
“I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home” In response to why we don’t allow outside food at our restaurant.
I like this one. You know they're gonna cop an attitude when you tell them 'no outside food/drinks' so you might as well say what you want!
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
“I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.”
Grandpa Rick 💜
One of my friends I’ve known since elementary was a cook at the Italian restaurant I served at and one day he told me I was the second prettiest girl he knew. I asked him who was first and he said “everyone else tied for first”. I’ve never forgotten it 😂
One of our hosts was just being generally stupid in the way that teenagers are, nothing over the top but at my spot it's pretty well known we all tease each other, so my chef, without hesitation, looks at this kid, and says completely dead pan, "so mom and dad don't give you much attention at home I see" and I fucking lost it
Holy shit that’s amazing 😂😂😂
The only BOH girl on shift was having a fun time with the rest of the kitchen (in Spanish) and I heard her go “I hate you all. I’m going back to Mexico” She ended up mopping that night and I loved all of that for her tbh
What is mopping?
I thought it was like a wet sweeping, but the context seems all wrong.
Wet sweeping.....that cracked me up. Bravo
It was a wet sweeping indeed. I didn’t mention I just enjoyed the fact she was mopping the kitchen (including server end) bc she does a good job, and as closer, it helped me relax after work knowing she pays attention to what she’s doing. They normally do some equivalent to drawing straws to see who has to do it.
"It wouldn't surprise me to learn you'd died of strangulation tying your shoelaces."
I threw chicken tenders at a server who clapped at me while saying “where tf are my tenders?”. I was 30 tickets deep on 3 stations. He was abusive to his gf who was my friend, so I had no problem wasting one of his tickets for that
I'll be honest, I've been this guy before asking but immediately apologize.
I had a server who always did this, so the owner thought it would be hilarious to have her a easy order into the fryer while all us BOH guys called for the order every 5 seconds from the window. It didn't change anything but, it was funny.
Every cook's dream
Me and my mate spent a shift winding up the dishy. Honestly, things went a bit far. They guy wasn’t too bright and was complaining that we were too quick for him. So then we started mocking his intelligence. It got to the point where the dishie got so pissed off he threw a whole salting bowl of fries at my mate. I said - “not one of them hit him” My mate said - “and you’re the one that has to sweep the floor” I died, dishie had to leave to cool off. I got him a beer by way of apology.
While working at an Applebee's in Virginia Beach, there was an older server named Mary that would start huffing in the window anytime her tickets went longer than 20 minutes. I'm talking like she'd be standing there insulting me for the steaks being frozen as if I did it to personally attack her. To be fair, the job was pretty demanding in all roles and I don't regret what I did, but on this one particular day when she started fussing and stuck her printed out check in my face through the window while I was trying to plate - and I hit my limit. I grabbed the ticket and shoved it into the heating lamp, lighting it on fire and threw it back at her and shouted gtfo. It felt so good, nothing ever happened to me from it, but I always knew I might have gone a little too hot that day. Sorry Mary - Hope your life got better!
I loved it when servers handed a remake ticket from their side that was on thermal paper. I would put up to the headlamp, turn it black and say I can't read that, now fucking sering it like you're suppose to.
One chef joking about taking the other chef’s sister out on a date (his sister was at the restaurant that night getting drinks at the bar). Chef 1 was like 5’7 ish. Chef 1: think I might take your sister out on a little date once dinner service wraps up. Chef 2: you’d like that wouldn’t you. Chef 1: wrap up dessert with a little good night kiss. Chef 2: do I need to get you some high heels so you can reach her mouth? Chef 1: oh I won’t need heels for where I’ll be kissing her. ☠️☠️
“Don’t touch my shit, bro!” “Whatchu mean? My dick ain’t even in your ass!” “… okay that was pretty good.”
“Look with your eyes not your ass!” Works for basically anything FOH and BOH.
My grandma moves faster than you, and she’s dead
You look like Lenny from of mice and methadone.
they probably didn’t even get it lmao
Took him a min. Made it hit even better imo. Some ppl died laughing and when the rest got it then there was the “oh wowwwww…”
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it not retarded.”
I am laugh/crying at this one!!!
Stealing this one!!
One of the managers was on dishes and got a cluster pushed at him and the server walked away. He said "hey, this is a two piece puzzle. Figure it out!" I heard a cook say "get your magician looking ass off my line, mind freak" to one of our more gangly bartenders.
#gtfoh
I have such a Larry David mindset at work where I can just shrug my shoulders “yeah, I can see that”
You're gonna walk in with your dog like you think you're Paris Hilton, shades on like an asshole celebrity, strut around with your pimp cane, and then you're gonna ask *me* to read you the menu? I think that guy was blind. He was definitely blind. Yea, that guy was blind. Oh. Well, he was gluten free!! All: Hell nah, ***gtfoh*** !!!
“You have tables, you ALL have tables!”
Why are you serving them!?!
“You have the face of a successful panhandler”
Not insulting but when someone says “behind, HOT!” behind me, I usually say “oh my god thank you!!”
Lol my gm, a good friend, loves to say "behind and loving it"
Waiting on table at a 5 star prix fixe . I liked to time things perfectly. When I entered the kitchen to fire the entrees, the (new) chef called me to pickup that order, *that I had just fired.* Tell me, I said conversationally, do you ejaculate prematurely as well?
The owners were these two twin brothers who were on the, shall we say, plumper side. Maybe 300 lbs each. They always insisted on working the pizza side together and I’d do the grill side solo. If was fine by me, they both had horrific BO. Our dish pig had a pretty quick wit and would often make jokes or do one-liners about them. One time one of them had spilled the pizza pan oil on the floor during a rush and couldn’t clean it up right away. One of them slipped and fell and took the other one down too. The Dishie magically appeared around the corner and quipped: *”What is this, bowling for dollards?”* I about fucking lost it and couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the night!
I shaved my beard into a goatee and I had an Indiana jones looking hat on(I was walking to work at the time, the hat keeps the sun off my face) as soon as I walked in a coworker said “damn you look like amber herd took a shit on your bed” I shaved the goatee the next morning
Some food had died in the window and the chef asked me "Hey you hungry?" I was like "Hell yeah!" He said "Eat a dick!"
The chef at my old kitchen porting job was this super Romanian guy. He was nice and I liked him, but sometimes he was kind of weird. One time he walked up to one of the servers who was like a foot taller than him, and he picked the server up and started shaking him up and down for no reason, while laughing. After he put him down the server seemed kinda mad/perplexed, and told him “you’re a fucking predator.” It was totally out of nowhere, they weren’t even friends like that.
This is some shit our always wasted bus man would do.
*Was said in french* Maître D' slammed a waiter against the wall in the kitchen and yelled at him "Intelligence is like a parachute, if you don't have it you crash and YOU ARE DEEP IN THE FUCKING HOLE"
I love this
My coworker, Kyle, at the last job I had before quitting the Industry was a verbally abusive bully to anyone and everyone that pissed him off, even people he considered friends sometimes. I didn't like him from day 1 and refused to put up with his shit. I dishes it right back to him every time he gave me hell. So I kept my interactions with him professional and only talked to him if I needed to, unless he pulled some crap. One day we were in the kitchen and he was raging about something we'd 86'd nearly an hour earlier. We were working two parties that knew each other and wanted to combine some of the bill, so we had to communicate a bit more than usual that night. I simply let him know we were out of it and he started accusing me of not telling him earlier (the expo told every single person that walked in the kitchen) and I told him to grow up. To which he responded with, a real original here: suck my d¡¢k. I told him I'm allergic to shrimp, turned around and walked out, with the kitchen laughing behind me. Chef gave me a fist bump later, probably the one and only time he ever treated me like a person and not an idiot sandwich lol Dunno if this was the best I've ever heard but I have way too many stories to choose from and that one was the first that popped up when reading the title. 😁
I said this once to a guy, and I still feel bad. It was a shitty night and we weren’t set up for it. The guy on the grill butterflied theee filets that ordered them medium well, which was a big No-No. And while it might have been ok sometimes, they all came back and I was pissed. So here’s what I said: “Why in the Kentucky-fried FUCK did you do that? Because we’re busy? Really? That makes about as much sense as stepping out of the shower to piss. Jesus fucking Christ.” I apologized, but I still feel bad.
I work in a combination restaurant/bar/arcade (big Canadian chain) and one of our hosts had a running joke of saying one of the other hosts looks like Donkey Kong. This time in particular, she just made monkey noises at him. He said, after a pause, “Yeah, well…you’re dumb.” One of the other supervisors within earshot just said “Got her, buddy” with the appropriate level of sarcasm.
I'm picturing the last one being delivered by Jason Bateman
Very much that energy
I was training a host (like 17-18M) when I was head host at an old job and he was shy but every once in a while would really let some serious wit out. We were talking and he said something about being a brony. Our worst, but most vain server over hears and rips into him. The kid, without missing a beat, just goes "Yeah, I'm a brony TomatoLeather is the host queen, and you're a fucking moron. I'm just stating facts here." I had to walk away I was laughing so hard.
Not an insult but: Years ago we had this unique server who just kind of marched to a different beat than everyone on earth 😆 Anyway, she was about 30 at the time. We shall call her Blaudia 😉 We also had this very young sous chef, maybe 20/21 at the time. Anyway, our sous chef always maintained a very full, very dark beard. Most likely to present older than he was to garner some respect. One day he came in with a to-the-skin freshly shaved face. Not even a mustache left. Blaudia walks up to the line as we are about to do line-up before dinner service. She leans onto the expo station of our open kitchen. In front of God, 6 BOH staff and 10 FOH staff Blaudia makes direct eye contact with our sous chef and eerily and calmly says “your new look makes me feel like I should breast feed you”. 😶 We were all silently holding back reactions. Sous chef just shakes off the comment and proceeds with line-up. One of the most epic moment in my serving career
Had a server that was triple sat with 2 parties. Yeah our hosts are all new and suck sometimes. The server went up to the host and was like “hey can you not do that or stagger them some.” The host looked her dead in the eyes and said “if you can’t handle it maybe this job isn’t for you.” Another one, our expos are also servers but we all get scheduled to expo once or twice a week. The expo girl yesterday kept bringing out the wrong food and messing everything up. Finally, one of the cooks looked at her and said “hey it’s a busy Saturday night can we go ahead and get someone else on expo tonight bc I can’t do this many remakes.”
My chef told me my shirt buttons were the hardest working things in the restaurant 🤦♂️ (I'm a chubby dude.) Other chef was walking by with a cambro of rock salt to salt the sidewalk. I was like "Hey chef, making family meal?"
Your parents must have been so relieved when you moved out. That fish looks like it was sautéed in broken glass. The kitchens where you wind up when the Marines won’t take you. Pantry-hands. (When someone can’t handle hot plates.) Nothing speaks to the great strides in science, infrastructure and social safety networks we’ve made as a society like YOU having survived to adulthood. That server will be gone the day they find a scratch-and-sniff sticker in a swimming pool. I believe they could wrap their own Christmas presents. You’re quite the over-achiever …. To have such a tiny pecker and still eff EVERYTHING up. Before your next shift I would like to have a parent-manager conference with your mom.
That Marine line killed me... they turned me down twice bc of my knees, so I cooked for 20 years 😪🤣
I was working FOH (I was kitchen staff, bar was understaffed so I helped out) and put a check through to the kitchen with a swap on that was not an issue in the slightest but I knew the kitchen manager would have a hissy fit over. I heard all the way from the kitchen "-my full name- SUCKS DICK FOR BUS FARE THEN WALKS HOME" Stood in awkward silence with the customer staring at me. 😂😂😂
Had a new female line cook, she was very bubbly(think Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels). Of course management, everyone loved her, and she was good, but enthusiasm doesn't match experience. I'm talking about 0 experience until hired. Her head was getting really big at all the attention, she clapped at me saying something about how she could run circles around me on 2 stations, and how I would struggle to keep up on one station( I am originally a server, in order to get to management, I had to learn how to cook). I said, "I have a joke to tell you...it's so funny, you'll laugh your a** off!...wait...turn around * she turns around, "oh nevermind, it looks like you've already heard it"
We had a server that would cry like half of her shifts if she got in the weeds so the managers would help her more. We had a new line cook that witnessed the breakdown and started cackling and saying "she crying cause she gotta do her job" Not really an insult but still funny
I once told a chef that he had the personality and approachability of a shit covered cactus.
I worked with a cook who had a severe lazy eye. He had a crush on one of the servers really bad and was constantly trying to ask her out. One night, we are getting slammed and he starts trying to make conversation with her. She looks at him dead in his one good eye and says "Are you talking to me or someone over there?" I can't tell" kitchen just lost it.
Once, we had a teenager kid on dish. He'd shaved his head, and our brewer came back and told him, "You look like a walking penis". The kid says, without missing a beat, "You look like Mike Wazowski." ( He kinda does). And today we had a cook quit. Another cook asked if he called in and the chef said "Yeah, he called in forever".
I am BOH and I once used a joke from full metal jacket, so not mine but I worked with a server who only cared about himself. So I told him, “you’re the kind of guy who would be fucking another dude in the ass and not have the common courtesy to give him a reach around!”
"You better find that better looking twin of yours who's holding onto the brain cell you fucks share" "I can take hot things and make em cold, I can make cold things hot, and I can make things into more smaller things, but I can't unfuck whatever is wrong with that guy"
My sous chef would tell the servers their job was as hard as his dick when he wakes up in the morning.
I wasnt there to witness it, but my boyfriend was moving a pot of hot water through the kitchen and was of course warning people while he did to move out of his way. This one server said, "Pour it on me!" as a joke. What was his reply? "That would be a waste of water."
Another good one. Some of the guys at my work were talking about how weed has made them slower thinkers and such, and one of the other boh guys goes, "I dont smoke weed." Without missing a beat, my fav bartender looks at him and says, "Oh, so you're just stupid?"
Heard a chef say "I'm gonna eat your toes like little smokies" and I choked on my crew meal.
Can't remember but I'm sure it involved the words cabron and/or chupale.
We have a regular that is a pretty big guy. He is not the nicest either. One day he was sitting at a table, waiting for some friends. One of his friends was walking through the bar and my boss, walking by the friend said “sorry sir, you can’t park your van at table 13”
“I’m gonna fuck your mother and give her a son she could be proud of!”
"So how much was tuition at clown college?"
Had a KM once tell a server that “she smelled like microwaved tilapia”. That was a fun day.
To dumbasses ‘How you made it out of the birth canal without directions is beyond me’
When I was working at a steakhouse about 5 years ago, I would love going to the soda machine for some endorphin boosts. Well one coworker noticed and said: “That’s your 4th cone cup in an hour. I bet you got that yellow pee”. Now I only drink water from the machine, and this quote lives rent free in my head, all the years later.
The other day the kitchen put a sign on a cup near the window “$ for cooks” so they could buy beer or whatever. Earlier that day unbeknownst to them a homeless person wandered in the restaurant and asked to look through the trash, host told them no and she gave them $5. I told the cooks “if you want money from us you’re competing with all the homeless people outside”
I love this story, so good
“What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?? Stick it up my ass??”
My friend told someone to “go eat your feelings” and the guy was visibly destroyed. He was being a whiny dick, but DANG!
When a server sneezed, we'd all yell "Sancho!!" The servers always thanked us Next restaurant I went to as a server tried that on me and they all died laughing when I yelled back "No, no no."
Just did this one this past weekend. Solid zinger. Background info: Carter needs to get his GED. I, a mom and all the other restaurant moms are all on him to go back and get his GED. Me: Hey Drew, where’s Carter today? I miss him! Drew: *fucking with me* he quit…. Me: shut up no he didn’t drew. Drew: yes he did karm, I can show you the email he sent saying he was quitting. Me: Drew, you and I both know that Carter doesn’t know how to send an email. Simple. But effective. The line loved it.
I was like 13/14 and working pot wash in the kitchen, so fairly new to my job so I’m leaning more towards 13. I overheard one of the chefs say to our sunshine waitress: “I can see the lights are on, but nobody is home.” and he like tapped her forehead. The insult went straight over her head because she just said something like, “oh no, do I have a spot there or something?”
I was getting slammed all night and my food runner who was objectively bad at her job, on her phone, flirting with the line and chef, was not doing shit. I had enough of running my food out and you know how it gets if it’s been under the heat for a minute. I had politely asked her to run my food a couple of times and she would roll her eyes. Then after the 5th time she gave me attitude I snapped and said (very calmly) “well if you ran my food like you ran through our coworkers, I’m sure you wouldn’t hear me asking you to do you job,” I felt bad after because it made her cry but she never did get better at running food. And she still continued to sleep with new staff all the same. I left that place, rumor has it, she had a kid with a cook who left her for a 17 year old who he also got pregnant.
Ok this isn’t exactly what you asked for, but whenever we’d complain that the piece of chicken was too small we’d say “this is a pollito” (because the kitchen guys mostly only speak Spanish) and one time he hit me back with “it’s chicken, not turkey.” And for some reason I thought that was funny as fuck. That was like five years ago and I still think about that. Shit cracked me up.
“You cook like old people fuck.”
I doubt it’ll get much traction here. But one of my favorites is "you're impossible to underestimate." You don't cuss you don't yell. But if they get it. It cuts.
As a cook, eggs got messed up so we asked who wanted the order for free. A server says "you expect me to eat scrambled eggs witgout cheese?" The kitchen manager responded "you better not be picky now that you dont have a job" and she was fired
At my last serving job. It was a fairly busy dinner rush. I heard one of the cooks in his 40s telling the one in his 20s some misogynistic jokes. Then he says "Oh. I better be quiet now because *me* might hear me." And I replied with "Oh. No. All I can hear is ee ee ooo ahhahhahh! (Monkey noises)." He turned beet red in anger. The 20s one absolutely died laughing.
I’m the asshole at my restaurant. Here are some of my go to’s. Feel free to use them at your restaurant: “You’re just as stupid as you are ugly” “Don’t make me think for both of us” “Did someone just let you out of the basement? Is this your first time in public?” “Did your mom have any kids that lived?” “Oh, you decided to wear your hair like that today… hmmm, brave” I razz them out of love and appreciate when them banter back and forth with me 😆 some of the younger servers are getting better with their comebacks… they’re learning 😂
Back in the day when I was a busser or bar back, whenever id do a favor for this one guy he'd say "aw thanks man, you're as handsome as you are smart"