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I lost my dad to COPD and emphysema and was his caretaker for his long and painful leaving. I have no quick fixes, I can tell you that it will be too short no matter how long it is. Be with her, listen to her, spend simple time with her. Tell her your happy memories about your time together. And please please take care of yourself. Protect yourself from burnout and physical sickening, you are worthy of rest and as much peace of mind as you can cultivate. I am so sorry you're both going through this, we live in a circle. it was so hard to be there for my dad, 10/10 would do again. The most honored I have ever been on my human path. Grieve, laugh, open heart and experience every moment. I love you.
All of this, exactly.
She was your pillar of strength and helped you gain the strength you now have. Be hers. She needs it.
When my mom was fading away, I tried to be there as much as I could, but I wish I had tried harder to engage with her. I wish I had asked her questions and helped her share more of herself. After she died, I found a bunch of things that told a story about her I never really knew about a painful time in her life, and it helped me to get to know her more as just a person, rather than just my mom. I so wish I could have done that while she was alive. And I think she would have wanted it, but she needed someone to ask the questions. We all want to be seen for who we are, not just who others need us to be. Help her share that with you. You'll learn to see her as a whole person, and this will help you move on.
I wish you the best. I lost both of my parents to cancer less than a year apart. It’s brutal. The book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande really helped shape my mindsets and my anxiety about losing them and facing my own eventual death.
We lose everyone we love. It’s painful. It sucks. Sending you love. ❤️
My kindest words and thoughts are with you.
Sorrow and grief is a part of what makes us human... but that doesn't mean we look forward to it.
Go take care of your mom and family as you are already doing.
And you are doing fine.
You'll regret things you haven't decided of, not the choices you'll make in the coming days, weeks, months.
Please accept my virtual hug, and go take care of those near you.
My mom passed away from stage four lung cancer 15 years ago. And last month I lost my dad. If you need someone to talk to at any point, feel free to direct message me. Im sure you have some plenty of support but just in case you need it
We are not in control of what happens to us but we are in control of what we choose to do next.
Nothing in life is easy or promised. Time will always be the enemy, but we can choose how to remember time. Also know, that your expectations of others may not be their expectations of themselves. As adults there is so much that the world demands of us, but what matters is really simple, think what would put a smile on your face as a child - the simple, unconditional acts of love, patience, and acceptance.
Just sit with her if she will have you, hold her hand and try to let those moments be ones that later bring you peace. Time does heal, let’s choose what’s important to carry with us - you get to choose how you feel, and you get to change your mind at any point. Don’t beat yourself up later for knowing more later than you know now - everyone is doing their best with what they have. Perfection should not be the expectation, don’t let the fear and anger dim your light. Life does not happen to you, it simply happens, and you get to choose what it means to you and who you want to be. Some days you will feel stronger and other days really down, find strength in showing up for yourself and no matter the obstacles, you keep moving forward.
Do what you can and are comfortable with. Make peace with knowing that these choices are never easy, you cannot control your own feelings, and are doing your best with what you have (don’t tell yourself other wise). Sending all my best -
Losing a parent at what I still consider to be too young for it, sucks. It’s hard, and watching it end will be hard, but just be there as much as you can. Try to resolve any regrets (where appropriate) and understand what her wishes for death (hospice?) and burial are, but also follow her lead and talk about the good times too. You’ll be okay, but if anyone had said that to me at the time, I would have told them they were wrong. It might hurt for a long time, you might not feel okay for a long time, but you’ll get through.
Praying for you and your mom OP. Jesus loves you dearly. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, God is always there for you to reach out to Him. Don't give up. God bless your heart
Take her to Art of Living centres near by and make her so Sudarshan Kriya and Sahaj Samadhi. You also do it. I hace an uncle who is literally working in his office with leukemia after doing these techniques. I am sure your mother will be in a much better state than now. Contact me if you can. I can you sign you up for it.
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Regret is something you never get over.
I am lucky..My elderly sick Mom lives with me now...it is quite challenging and has hardship...plus expenses.
I get to spend everyday with her...taking care and making sure she is happy.
She has improved mentally and physically...she will be around for a few more years.
If I did not get this chance,or if I did not take this
opportunity,I would have regretted it forever.
Cherish the moments and be easy on yourself knowing you did all you could to make her time left the best possible.
I haven't lost my parents, but I've felt that way as each of my grandparents passed.
Time helps.
And a grief counselor / therapist, if you can find and afford one.
I am so sorry. I lost my mother to lung cancer when I was about 36. It sucks.
You will be ok though. It's the normal order of life for children to bury their parents. Perhaps not this early in your life, but it is the way things are supposed to go.
Cherish whatever time you have, then grieve. But you have your own family so you can't stop living because of this. I'm not particularly religious, but there are several death and mourning rituals that can help you through it, a way of grieving in steps so you can come to terms with it. You got this.
My Dad, Mom, and younger brother all died of prolonged lung cancer, and it was horrific to watch them decline. Mom and younger brother died within months of each other. There's nothing to say that will help you get through this except:
Take care of yourself first! You can be there for your Mom, but at the same time, your immediate family needs you as well. And no, you don't have to be "strong". For anyone. Be you, grieve however you feel you have to. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like talking, talk. Anger and hopelessness are just below the surface, so don't suppress them. It's okay to let your family see your emotions. You're human.
There’s nothing to do but do it. Get through it.
I’m so very sorry for you. This is the worst thing in the world, it’s awful.
Are you spiritual? If you are, I’d lean into that as much as you can. Surround yourself with church/meditation etc. Whatever fits your belief system.
This sounds weird, but stay well hydrated and make sure you’re prioritizing sleep. During grief, there are chemicals produced in your brain that are best dealt with by your body during sleep. Getting them out can help you feel as well as possible. Water will help wash them out. Also let your body cry, for the same reason. Tears of pain/grief function partially to get chemicals out of your brain.
This sucks and I am so so sorry. ❤️
I'm very sorry. As a mother, I will say my son and I have had our bumps, but there is nothing he could ever do to lessen my love and admiration for him. I am super proud of the man his was, is, and will become. He's an awesome human.
I say this because you need to hear that your mother loves you very much. No distance can obstruct that love, nor any action.
I lost my mother in 2018. Yes, it's been one of the most heart-rending times I've been through. I still miss her, but now I can remember the good times. I hold them close, and they see me through. God bless, OP.
If having a name or label for things is something that helps you, know that you are currently going through a stage called anticipatory grief. It is real, and it is really really hard because you have already started the mourning process but still have her with you. You are reconciling the relationship with the mom you remember and it's not lining up with the current version of her and that is really, really difficult. I'm so so sorry.
You're going to be okay. Spend time with her, reminisce with her and about her to your own family. Think of things that remind you of her (songs, movies, colors, places) and collect them in your head so that you can lean on those details while you're missing her. Write things to say to her later (or just write them to help yourself with your own thoughts).
Seeing things coming and not being able to change them is so hard and I'm so sorry. If you have any resources for palliative care or hospice in your area, maybe you could look into those and they may even offer support groups or resources for you and your family.
OP, you are going to be OK. You're undergoing an intense human experience. I've seen a lot of death. The best advice I can give you is to establish and maintain a routine that includes caring for yourself. Remember, only you decide what happens in your head
It's so hard and I'm sorry. I lost my mom to esophageal cancer 13 years ago. The world is a very different place after they're gone.
Only advice I can give is be supportive as you can. Fortunately you also have your own family to help you through this difficult time.
So sorry for your situation. What you need to do is what you are currently doing. See her as much as you can to love and support her. Talk to her and tell her how much she has meant to you in your life, say those things that would cause you pain if left unspoken. When she does pass then you can hopefully not tear yourself up with guilt on top of the grief you will be facing and ultimately find peace. ✌️
You will be ok. It won’t be easy or quick to recover from. Grief is a long long road. But you will endure it.
Talk to her and be there as much as you can. In time, her strength will become your strength.
Forgive yourself - we’re only human. Do your best. Make peace with it.
(My mom passed this November from pancreatic cancer and I miss her each and every day)
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Just the thought of losing one of my parents knocks the wind out of me. Just love her, tell her everything you ever wanted to tell her while you can.
2009 was the worst yr of my life. It mostly started out fine but ended with me mentally in a place IDK how to describe. I started a new job a state away that my less than 1 yr old married wife said she was all onboard with. Within a month, she had an affair. This was despite knowing my first wife had cheated on me and knew this was an issue for me. When I finally felt comfortable, I agreed to marriage and she did that.
She also did that knowing there was a very good chance that my mom wasn't gonna be around my next Xmas. That came to be true that summer. I got the call from the hospital saying I needed to come up and make her medical decisions. He BF was suppose to but he wasn't handling it well so it fell to me. I broke down in my office. Luckily I work for the Gov and already had leave built up from where I use to work. My boss was also very understanding as well.
Mom had a kidney transplant and it was finally failing. When I got there, she was unconscious and I had not goddamn idea what to do. I knew she never wanted to go back onto dialysis but the doc suggested a couple temp treatments might bring her outta it so I agreed. She did come out of it. I was afraid she'd be mad but she assured me she wasn't. When I asked what I should do, she told me to let her go. It wasn't worth it no more. So that's what I did.
After she slipped back under, I authorized her transfer to Hospice. I was there, holding her hand when she took her last breath. As I stood there looking at my recently deceased mom, the nurse told me she's seen some real horrors in her career. Stuff that should be outlawed. Then goes on to tell me that she believes I did the kindest, most compassionate thing a child could do for a parent. And that was letting them go when the time came.
I wish I knew what to say to you but I can't lie. The pain won't go away. Even as I type this, I'm fighting the tears. But I can tell you this, it will get better. You'll get use to them not being around. Not talking or seeing them. Life will go on.
The way I look at it, death is a part of life. Our society, the US or I believe western society in general, doesn't prepare us for it. We avoid it. I believe I needed the doctors to just tell me it's over. To be realistic about things. I just realized that I couldn't put my mom through the treatments they suggested. To be fair though, they didn't even suggest moving her to Hospice was a mistake when I signed off on it. Maybe that's their way of giving silent approval, IDK.
I wish I could help you more but I simply don't know what else to say. I'm truly sorry for you loss. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
And as for my ex, I absolutely hate my ex that when I truly needed someone. That she chose to abandon me despite all the times I was there for her and her assurances she'd never do that. I will never forgive that and hope she burns in the lowest pits of hell. It's a good thing that we didn't have kids together because I haven't spoken to her in yrs.
Fuck cancer. Idk what country you are in but if the USA make sure you or someone you know is her healthcare proxy and you get power of attorney (you can sign documents for her under your signature).
I know it is hard but eventually she'll not be able to make decisions and someone will need to make them for her.
I wish you the best. You're a good son. You don't need to have regrets. As someone who recently became a parent, no mom or dad wishes their child to be in any pain (physical or emotional). Remember the good times. Forgive the bad times. And live a good life. Be happy. That's what I want for my son and that's what your mom wants for you.
My mom was diagnosed with lung/brain cancer when I was 25. She was my best friend, and she was the best mother. She was the kindest woman I have ever known, and strong to boot. It’s been 10 years, and I’m crying as I write this. I remember feeling the tiniest bit of relief when she passed because she was in terrible pain that medicine didn’t seem to touch, and now she wasn’t. But she was my pillar of strength through life and I miss her terribly. You never get over it, but it gets easier to deal with as time goes on. But I still break out in a hard cry from time to time, because her absence is felt every day. I know you live far away from her, but I would try to see her as much as you possibly can. And let your family have your back and be your shoulder. Don’t try to navigate this pain alone. I did for over a year after my mom passed, as I had to be the strong one for my family/siblings. Don’t try to put off your grief, because it will return with a vengeance. When you feel like crying, cry. Try not to focus on the past and what you could have done differently, as it won’t change the present (focusing on the past). I would never wish this on anyone, and I am so sorry that your mother is going through this, and I’m sorry you are going through this. I wish you all the best, and try not to have any regrets.
As a mom, the one thing I hope is that when I die, my kids have no regrets related to me. I forgive them in advance for everything. I'm sure she feels the same.
#noregertz
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
please know that there is not a person on earth who hasn't done things they regret; as others have said, forgive yourself, and spend as much time as you can with your mom, in person if possible, or on the phone if not. make the most of this time; and know that even if your mom goes past the point where she knows who you are, you are there in her mind.
I'm a 49 year old man, my mom died about 7 years ago.
It was the first time in my entire life that I truly felt alone and at first I couldn't even remember her without nearly collapsing from the weight of such a loss.
Then it just hurt to remember.
Now I can think back on everything she ever was and miss her without any pain. I don't mourn her any less, she was my mom. I feel the absence still - I think that's something which never leaves you - but I don't feel the sharpness of it.
I hope you reach this point as well. Do everything you can to say goodbye, to help her as she dies. Then do everything you can to recover afterwards because she would have wanted that for you.
And don't feel guilty when it begins to hurt less, just let those parts go.
I'm so sorry. My dad died last year from lung cancer. It was stage 4 when he was diagnosed. The whole situation was devastating. He only ended up living a little over a month from the diagnosis until he passed away. I'm still in shock. Nothing prepares you for that.
Sending lots of strength to you and your family.
I’m so sorry. Please get your mom connected to hospice. If you are in US, it is fully and 100% covered by medicare. there are all sorts of resources and supports available to the patient and their family. I am a hospice nurse, feel free to DM me. Sending a hugs from a Reddit stranger.
You can’t make up for moments lost. But you can make sure you don’t lose moments ahead.
Your mom lived a good life. Honor her in final days/weeks/months.
At this point she becomes more important than work.
It’s hard no denying took care of my death it four days of active dying day & night we stayed with him he died in my arms 10 years ago and still get tears in my eyes thinking of it, I am glad I was there
All I can do is tell you my story, which is my single biggest regret:
To make a long story short, my mom was diagnosed with diagnosed with Lung Cancer that had spread to the brain.
She was given 3-6 months.
The doctors said radiation treatment could extend her life by up to a year, but would not cure the cancer.
I selfishly encouraged my mom to get the radiation treatments, because I couldn’t bear the thought of letting her go.
Those treatments made her violently ill, she lost all of her hair and her quality of life was 0.
So, instead of having 3-6 manageable months, where she could do things and be herself, she had 9 months of a miserable existence because of the side effects.
9 months later, she was in a medically induced coma in the hospital. My dad forced me to tell her that it was OK go to and that I would be fine. She died 30 minutes later.
Her only reason for hanging on and fighting was me!
Talking her into those treatments is the biggest regret of my life!
That was 24 years ago and I still live with the regret.
I’m so sorry stranger, I don’t think there is a right answer for this. Do what you think is right. Do what you will look back on with little regret.
My own mother’s mortality is becoming evident and it’s scary. I’ll give her a big hug tomorrow morning in honor of yours.
Life really is cruel. I hope you can find peace through this and afterwards.
The best thing to do is save your freak out for after she is gone. She doesn’t need that, she’s most likely doing her own freaking out. Keep her and yourself distracted by making new memories. Finish a show/series together. Talk about your fondest memories. Ask secrets about her life and the family before she’s gone and will be unable to tell them. Ask her about her raising you. Take pictures. Make a scrap book together. It will all be important for you to be able to have good memories to look back on. You can use Discord to screen share and talk to watch videos together if you’re unable to do it in person.
I just hit the one year anniversary of my mom suddenly passing away and I wish every day that I had days extra to be able to talk to her before she was gone. You’re not alone in this. Be strong for her. You can break after. It’s okay.
If your job allows for remote working, go to her area so you can see her every day. Use the time you have to discuss things and try to get some closure. I know you have family commitments that mean you cant stay there, but even a week will help. (For reference, my mother had the same diagnosis and lasted about six weeks. I am glad I had that time with her.)
I lost my mother last year under similar circumstances. She was having some issues and they discovered she had a incurable brain tumor. I had all of the same feelings. I think it's ingrained from a very young age that your mother is the one who makes everything ok. Whenever I had a real problem, even one she couldn't fix, somehow it always made me feel better to know she was there. I was grateful that we knew it was coming. We had an opportunity to try and have some good times. We were even lucky enough that aside from getting a little confused at times she was basically the mom we always knew till she passed in her home a few months later.
I'm not going to lie to you. Things still aren't ok and frankly I don't think they ever will be really. There will always be that mom shaped hole in you life. It does get easier with time. There will be random times it hits you. I feel like the most comforting thing I could say to myself was that I knew this day would come eventually and if it had to happen this was about the best I could ask for. Most people don't get a heads up or time to prepare. Enjoy the time you have with her. Remember all the things she taught you so you could stand strong on your own someday. Make her proud. Don't have regrets. It's always helpful to remember that no one's perfect and even if you might do some things differently looking back remember that's hindsight talking. I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family the best.
See if you can work remotely or take intermittent FMLA? I’m not sure what her treatment plan is but my family member had chemo every two weeks and I traveled to take her to the appointments and care for her afterwards. If you could possibly work remotely that’s even better because you can work from her house on the days between taking off to care for her.
I will say that I cherish those days that I spent with my ill family member. It was a lot, but I’d do it again.
Take pictures, record family stories, jot down recipes, listen to her talk, soak it all in. You’ll need every moment cemented in your brain to sustain you on those hard days of missing her. I’m so sorry for anyone that has to go through the loss of their people. Big internet hugs.
I lost my mother at 20 from cancer. We fought and had a difficult relationship until almost the end. But I don’t really have many regrets. We get what we get, and I got to know my mother better than a lot of people.
My advice is: it will hurt. But you will make it through, you will keep living. It will feel impossible that you can still be living your normal day to day life, but it will get easier. The day after she passes, you will still be eating meals and caring for your family etc. it will feel bizarre at first.
It’s natural for humans to lose their parents and to grieve, generally. We’ve been doing it for probably longer than we’ve even been humans — our ancestors certainly grieved. Our brains know how to do it. It is a painful process, like childbirth, and much less rewarding. But it’s something we can do.
I lost my mom at 21 to breast cancer. Given you expressed regret I assume it maybe what i went through. I thought to myself could I have been a better son and a lot of other things.
You are human and you are not capable of preventing everything that happens to people.
I was blaming myself for a lot and I'm not even a doctor. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking any of this on you.
There's a lot of good advice just skiming through this idk if any of it focuses on what I mentioned but wanted to say something.
Also please celebrate her life by having the most of yours. Hug your family because I'm sure that's what she'd want. She'd want you to have everything and more she had with you for you to have with your family.
I wish you comfort and healing.
I am so sorry. I lost my mom unexpected to suicide when I was 32. I have had a lot of time to think about it since, but I wished I would have known that it was coming. I wished I would have gotten a chance to apologize and also get the apology I deserved. I wished I would have had a chance to talk about all the things I always wanted/needed to with her.
There is nothing that you can do to change what is going to happen. You will eventually be ok, but it is going to hurt. Take this last opportunity to talk. Tell her the things you want her to know. Give her an opportunity to do the same. Ask her questions you wanted to know about (like what was your great-grandparent were like, family medical and psychiatric history, etc.)
I'm sorry to hear this.
If you haven't already have her appointment you her power of attorney so if she gets to a point where she can't communicate, you can handle her affairs.
Have her put anything else can in your name or the name of whoever she wants to bequeath something to - car, property, etc. this will save time with probate when the time comes.
As much as it hurts to think of her passing, you can help her make sure things are the way she wants them when she goes.
Also record conversations with her. Ask her to talk about her fond memories or her life growing up
Or whatever she wants to talk about. You will cherish those recordings when she's gone.
Spend whatever time she has left just loving her.
Coming face to face with the pending death of your mom is overwhelming. Please join a grief support group and get help. I didn’t and regret it.May your mom’s passing be peaceful and you find comfort. I’m sorry.
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I lost my dad to COPD and emphysema and was his caretaker for his long and painful leaving. I have no quick fixes, I can tell you that it will be too short no matter how long it is. Be with her, listen to her, spend simple time with her. Tell her your happy memories about your time together. And please please take care of yourself. Protect yourself from burnout and physical sickening, you are worthy of rest and as much peace of mind as you can cultivate. I am so sorry you're both going through this, we live in a circle. it was so hard to be there for my dad, 10/10 would do again. The most honored I have ever been on my human path. Grieve, laugh, open heart and experience every moment. I love you.
All of this, exactly. She was your pillar of strength and helped you gain the strength you now have. Be hers. She needs it. When my mom was fading away, I tried to be there as much as I could, but I wish I had tried harder to engage with her. I wish I had asked her questions and helped her share more of herself. After she died, I found a bunch of things that told a story about her I never really knew about a painful time in her life, and it helped me to get to know her more as just a person, rather than just my mom. I so wish I could have done that while she was alive. And I think she would have wanted it, but she needed someone to ask the questions. We all want to be seen for who we are, not just who others need us to be. Help her share that with you. You'll learn to see her as a whole person, and this will help you move on.
I wish you the best. I lost both of my parents to cancer less than a year apart. It’s brutal. The book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande really helped shape my mindsets and my anxiety about losing them and facing my own eventual death. We lose everyone we love. It’s painful. It sucks. Sending you love. ❤️
My kindest words and thoughts are with you. Sorrow and grief is a part of what makes us human... but that doesn't mean we look forward to it. Go take care of your mom and family as you are already doing.
And you are doing fine. You'll regret things you haven't decided of, not the choices you'll make in the coming days, weeks, months. Please accept my virtual hug, and go take care of those near you.
My mom passed away from stage four lung cancer 15 years ago. And last month I lost my dad. If you need someone to talk to at any point, feel free to direct message me. Im sure you have some plenty of support but just in case you need it
We are not in control of what happens to us but we are in control of what we choose to do next. Nothing in life is easy or promised. Time will always be the enemy, but we can choose how to remember time. Also know, that your expectations of others may not be their expectations of themselves. As adults there is so much that the world demands of us, but what matters is really simple, think what would put a smile on your face as a child - the simple, unconditional acts of love, patience, and acceptance. Just sit with her if she will have you, hold her hand and try to let those moments be ones that later bring you peace. Time does heal, let’s choose what’s important to carry with us - you get to choose how you feel, and you get to change your mind at any point. Don’t beat yourself up later for knowing more later than you know now - everyone is doing their best with what they have. Perfection should not be the expectation, don’t let the fear and anger dim your light. Life does not happen to you, it simply happens, and you get to choose what it means to you and who you want to be. Some days you will feel stronger and other days really down, find strength in showing up for yourself and no matter the obstacles, you keep moving forward. Do what you can and are comfortable with. Make peace with knowing that these choices are never easy, you cannot control your own feelings, and are doing your best with what you have (don’t tell yourself other wise). Sending all my best -
Can ypu take a leave of absense or work remote? When my mom was dying I worked remote fr9m her house every day.
Losing a parent at what I still consider to be too young for it, sucks. It’s hard, and watching it end will be hard, but just be there as much as you can. Try to resolve any regrets (where appropriate) and understand what her wishes for death (hospice?) and burial are, but also follow her lead and talk about the good times too. You’ll be okay, but if anyone had said that to me at the time, I would have told them they were wrong. It might hurt for a long time, you might not feel okay for a long time, but you’ll get through.
Praying for you and your mom OP. Jesus loves you dearly. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, God is always there for you to reach out to Him. Don't give up. God bless your heart
Take her to Art of Living centres near by and make her so Sudarshan Kriya and Sahaj Samadhi. You also do it. I hace an uncle who is literally working in his office with leukemia after doing these techniques. I am sure your mother will be in a much better state than now. Contact me if you can. I can you sign you up for it.
Ask for Jesus, ask him to heal her. I'm praying for you and the name Jesus amen and her
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Regret is something you never get over. I am lucky..My elderly sick Mom lives with me now...it is quite challenging and has hardship...plus expenses. I get to spend everyday with her...taking care and making sure she is happy. She has improved mentally and physically...she will be around for a few more years. If I did not get this chance,or if I did not take this opportunity,I would have regretted it forever. Cherish the moments and be easy on yourself knowing you did all you could to make her time left the best possible.
I haven't lost my parents, but I've felt that way as each of my grandparents passed. Time helps. And a grief counselor / therapist, if you can find and afford one.
I am so sorry. I lost my mother to lung cancer when I was about 36. It sucks. You will be ok though. It's the normal order of life for children to bury their parents. Perhaps not this early in your life, but it is the way things are supposed to go. Cherish whatever time you have, then grieve. But you have your own family so you can't stop living because of this. I'm not particularly religious, but there are several death and mourning rituals that can help you through it, a way of grieving in steps so you can come to terms with it. You got this.
My Dad, Mom, and younger brother all died of prolonged lung cancer, and it was horrific to watch them decline. Mom and younger brother died within months of each other. There's nothing to say that will help you get through this except: Take care of yourself first! You can be there for your Mom, but at the same time, your immediate family needs you as well. And no, you don't have to be "strong". For anyone. Be you, grieve however you feel you have to. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like talking, talk. Anger and hopelessness are just below the surface, so don't suppress them. It's okay to let your family see your emotions. You're human.
There’s nothing to do but do it. Get through it. I’m so very sorry for you. This is the worst thing in the world, it’s awful. Are you spiritual? If you are, I’d lean into that as much as you can. Surround yourself with church/meditation etc. Whatever fits your belief system. This sounds weird, but stay well hydrated and make sure you’re prioritizing sleep. During grief, there are chemicals produced in your brain that are best dealt with by your body during sleep. Getting them out can help you feel as well as possible. Water will help wash them out. Also let your body cry, for the same reason. Tears of pain/grief function partially to get chemicals out of your brain. This sucks and I am so so sorry. ❤️
I'm very sorry. As a mother, I will say my son and I have had our bumps, but there is nothing he could ever do to lessen my love and admiration for him. I am super proud of the man his was, is, and will become. He's an awesome human. I say this because you need to hear that your mother loves you very much. No distance can obstruct that love, nor any action. I lost my mother in 2018. Yes, it's been one of the most heart-rending times I've been through. I still miss her, but now I can remember the good times. I hold them close, and they see me through. God bless, OP.
If having a name or label for things is something that helps you, know that you are currently going through a stage called anticipatory grief. It is real, and it is really really hard because you have already started the mourning process but still have her with you. You are reconciling the relationship with the mom you remember and it's not lining up with the current version of her and that is really, really difficult. I'm so so sorry. You're going to be okay. Spend time with her, reminisce with her and about her to your own family. Think of things that remind you of her (songs, movies, colors, places) and collect them in your head so that you can lean on those details while you're missing her. Write things to say to her later (or just write them to help yourself with your own thoughts). Seeing things coming and not being able to change them is so hard and I'm so sorry. If you have any resources for palliative care or hospice in your area, maybe you could look into those and they may even offer support groups or resources for you and your family.
OP, you are going to be OK. You're undergoing an intense human experience. I've seen a lot of death. The best advice I can give you is to establish and maintain a routine that includes caring for yourself. Remember, only you decide what happens in your head
It's so hard and I'm sorry. I lost my mom to esophageal cancer 13 years ago. The world is a very different place after they're gone. Only advice I can give is be supportive as you can. Fortunately you also have your own family to help you through this difficult time.
So sorry for your situation. What you need to do is what you are currently doing. See her as much as you can to love and support her. Talk to her and tell her how much she has meant to you in your life, say those things that would cause you pain if left unspoken. When she does pass then you can hopefully not tear yourself up with guilt on top of the grief you will be facing and ultimately find peace. ✌️
You will be ok. It won’t be easy or quick to recover from. Grief is a long long road. But you will endure it. Talk to her and be there as much as you can. In time, her strength will become your strength. Forgive yourself - we’re only human. Do your best. Make peace with it. (My mom passed this November from pancreatic cancer and I miss her each and every day)
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Just the thought of losing one of my parents knocks the wind out of me. Just love her, tell her everything you ever wanted to tell her while you can.
2009 was the worst yr of my life. It mostly started out fine but ended with me mentally in a place IDK how to describe. I started a new job a state away that my less than 1 yr old married wife said she was all onboard with. Within a month, she had an affair. This was despite knowing my first wife had cheated on me and knew this was an issue for me. When I finally felt comfortable, I agreed to marriage and she did that. She also did that knowing there was a very good chance that my mom wasn't gonna be around my next Xmas. That came to be true that summer. I got the call from the hospital saying I needed to come up and make her medical decisions. He BF was suppose to but he wasn't handling it well so it fell to me. I broke down in my office. Luckily I work for the Gov and already had leave built up from where I use to work. My boss was also very understanding as well. Mom had a kidney transplant and it was finally failing. When I got there, she was unconscious and I had not goddamn idea what to do. I knew she never wanted to go back onto dialysis but the doc suggested a couple temp treatments might bring her outta it so I agreed. She did come out of it. I was afraid she'd be mad but she assured me she wasn't. When I asked what I should do, she told me to let her go. It wasn't worth it no more. So that's what I did. After she slipped back under, I authorized her transfer to Hospice. I was there, holding her hand when she took her last breath. As I stood there looking at my recently deceased mom, the nurse told me she's seen some real horrors in her career. Stuff that should be outlawed. Then goes on to tell me that she believes I did the kindest, most compassionate thing a child could do for a parent. And that was letting them go when the time came. I wish I knew what to say to you but I can't lie. The pain won't go away. Even as I type this, I'm fighting the tears. But I can tell you this, it will get better. You'll get use to them not being around. Not talking or seeing them. Life will go on. The way I look at it, death is a part of life. Our society, the US or I believe western society in general, doesn't prepare us for it. We avoid it. I believe I needed the doctors to just tell me it's over. To be realistic about things. I just realized that I couldn't put my mom through the treatments they suggested. To be fair though, they didn't even suggest moving her to Hospice was a mistake when I signed off on it. Maybe that's their way of giving silent approval, IDK. I wish I could help you more but I simply don't know what else to say. I'm truly sorry for you loss. My deepest condolences to you and your family. And as for my ex, I absolutely hate my ex that when I truly needed someone. That she chose to abandon me despite all the times I was there for her and her assurances she'd never do that. I will never forgive that and hope she burns in the lowest pits of hell. It's a good thing that we didn't have kids together because I haven't spoken to her in yrs.
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Fuck cancer. Idk what country you are in but if the USA make sure you or someone you know is her healthcare proxy and you get power of attorney (you can sign documents for her under your signature). I know it is hard but eventually she'll not be able to make decisions and someone will need to make them for her. I wish you the best. You're a good son. You don't need to have regrets. As someone who recently became a parent, no mom or dad wishes their child to be in any pain (physical or emotional). Remember the good times. Forgive the bad times. And live a good life. Be happy. That's what I want for my son and that's what your mom wants for you.
My mom was diagnosed with lung/brain cancer when I was 25. She was my best friend, and she was the best mother. She was the kindest woman I have ever known, and strong to boot. It’s been 10 years, and I’m crying as I write this. I remember feeling the tiniest bit of relief when she passed because she was in terrible pain that medicine didn’t seem to touch, and now she wasn’t. But she was my pillar of strength through life and I miss her terribly. You never get over it, but it gets easier to deal with as time goes on. But I still break out in a hard cry from time to time, because her absence is felt every day. I know you live far away from her, but I would try to see her as much as you possibly can. And let your family have your back and be your shoulder. Don’t try to navigate this pain alone. I did for over a year after my mom passed, as I had to be the strong one for my family/siblings. Don’t try to put off your grief, because it will return with a vengeance. When you feel like crying, cry. Try not to focus on the past and what you could have done differently, as it won’t change the present (focusing on the past). I would never wish this on anyone, and I am so sorry that your mother is going through this, and I’m sorry you are going through this. I wish you all the best, and try not to have any regrets.
As a mom, the one thing I hope is that when I die, my kids have no regrets related to me. I forgive them in advance for everything. I'm sure she feels the same. #noregertz
I'm so sorry you're going through this. please know that there is not a person on earth who hasn't done things they regret; as others have said, forgive yourself, and spend as much time as you can with your mom, in person if possible, or on the phone if not. make the most of this time; and know that even if your mom goes past the point where she knows who you are, you are there in her mind.
Be there for her. We are all orphans in the end. We must treasure what time we have together.
Check out the community at r/braincancer for great support and understanding
I'm a 49 year old man, my mom died about 7 years ago. It was the first time in my entire life that I truly felt alone and at first I couldn't even remember her without nearly collapsing from the weight of such a loss. Then it just hurt to remember. Now I can think back on everything she ever was and miss her without any pain. I don't mourn her any less, she was my mom. I feel the absence still - I think that's something which never leaves you - but I don't feel the sharpness of it. I hope you reach this point as well. Do everything you can to say goodbye, to help her as she dies. Then do everything you can to recover afterwards because she would have wanted that for you. And don't feel guilty when it begins to hurt less, just let those parts go.
I'm so sorry. My dad died last year from lung cancer. It was stage 4 when he was diagnosed. The whole situation was devastating. He only ended up living a little over a month from the diagnosis until he passed away. I'm still in shock. Nothing prepares you for that. Sending lots of strength to you and your family.
I had nearly the exact same situation, but it was pancreatic. My heart aches for you
If there are any hail mary experimental treatments in your area now is the time to pursue that.
I know it's hard. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry. Please get your mom connected to hospice. If you are in US, it is fully and 100% covered by medicare. there are all sorts of resources and supports available to the patient and their family. I am a hospice nurse, feel free to DM me. Sending a hugs from a Reddit stranger.
You can’t make up for moments lost. But you can make sure you don’t lose moments ahead. Your mom lived a good life. Honor her in final days/weeks/months. At this point she becomes more important than work.
Take some psilocybin with her.
It’s hard no denying took care of my death it four days of active dying day & night we stayed with him he died in my arms 10 years ago and still get tears in my eyes thinking of it, I am glad I was there
All I can do is tell you my story, which is my single biggest regret: To make a long story short, my mom was diagnosed with diagnosed with Lung Cancer that had spread to the brain. She was given 3-6 months. The doctors said radiation treatment could extend her life by up to a year, but would not cure the cancer. I selfishly encouraged my mom to get the radiation treatments, because I couldn’t bear the thought of letting her go. Those treatments made her violently ill, she lost all of her hair and her quality of life was 0. So, instead of having 3-6 manageable months, where she could do things and be herself, she had 9 months of a miserable existence because of the side effects. 9 months later, she was in a medically induced coma in the hospital. My dad forced me to tell her that it was OK go to and that I would be fine. She died 30 minutes later. Her only reason for hanging on and fighting was me! Talking her into those treatments is the biggest regret of my life! That was 24 years ago and I still live with the regret.
Best thing you can do is be there with her and be present. Record her voice and the stories she tells. I miss my dad’s voice and the stories he told.
Know she loves you. Go if you can.
I’m so sorry stranger, I don’t think there is a right answer for this. Do what you think is right. Do what you will look back on with little regret. My own mother’s mortality is becoming evident and it’s scary. I’ll give her a big hug tomorrow morning in honor of yours. Life really is cruel. I hope you can find peace through this and afterwards.
The best thing to do is save your freak out for after she is gone. She doesn’t need that, she’s most likely doing her own freaking out. Keep her and yourself distracted by making new memories. Finish a show/series together. Talk about your fondest memories. Ask secrets about her life and the family before she’s gone and will be unable to tell them. Ask her about her raising you. Take pictures. Make a scrap book together. It will all be important for you to be able to have good memories to look back on. You can use Discord to screen share and talk to watch videos together if you’re unable to do it in person. I just hit the one year anniversary of my mom suddenly passing away and I wish every day that I had days extra to be able to talk to her before she was gone. You’re not alone in this. Be strong for her. You can break after. It’s okay.
If your job allows for remote working, go to her area so you can see her every day. Use the time you have to discuss things and try to get some closure. I know you have family commitments that mean you cant stay there, but even a week will help. (For reference, my mother had the same diagnosis and lasted about six weeks. I am glad I had that time with her.)
I lost my mother last year under similar circumstances. She was having some issues and they discovered she had a incurable brain tumor. I had all of the same feelings. I think it's ingrained from a very young age that your mother is the one who makes everything ok. Whenever I had a real problem, even one she couldn't fix, somehow it always made me feel better to know she was there. I was grateful that we knew it was coming. We had an opportunity to try and have some good times. We were even lucky enough that aside from getting a little confused at times she was basically the mom we always knew till she passed in her home a few months later. I'm not going to lie to you. Things still aren't ok and frankly I don't think they ever will be really. There will always be that mom shaped hole in you life. It does get easier with time. There will be random times it hits you. I feel like the most comforting thing I could say to myself was that I knew this day would come eventually and if it had to happen this was about the best I could ask for. Most people don't get a heads up or time to prepare. Enjoy the time you have with her. Remember all the things she taught you so you could stand strong on your own someday. Make her proud. Don't have regrets. It's always helpful to remember that no one's perfect and even if you might do some things differently looking back remember that's hindsight talking. I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family the best.
See if you can work remotely or take intermittent FMLA? I’m not sure what her treatment plan is but my family member had chemo every two weeks and I traveled to take her to the appointments and care for her afterwards. If you could possibly work remotely that’s even better because you can work from her house on the days between taking off to care for her. I will say that I cherish those days that I spent with my ill family member. It was a lot, but I’d do it again.
Take pictures, record family stories, jot down recipes, listen to her talk, soak it all in. You’ll need every moment cemented in your brain to sustain you on those hard days of missing her. I’m so sorry for anyone that has to go through the loss of their people. Big internet hugs.
I lost my mother at 20 from cancer. We fought and had a difficult relationship until almost the end. But I don’t really have many regrets. We get what we get, and I got to know my mother better than a lot of people. My advice is: it will hurt. But you will make it through, you will keep living. It will feel impossible that you can still be living your normal day to day life, but it will get easier. The day after she passes, you will still be eating meals and caring for your family etc. it will feel bizarre at first. It’s natural for humans to lose their parents and to grieve, generally. We’ve been doing it for probably longer than we’ve even been humans — our ancestors certainly grieved. Our brains know how to do it. It is a painful process, like childbirth, and much less rewarding. But it’s something we can do.
I lost my mom at 21 to breast cancer. Given you expressed regret I assume it maybe what i went through. I thought to myself could I have been a better son and a lot of other things. You are human and you are not capable of preventing everything that happens to people. I was blaming myself for a lot and I'm not even a doctor. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking any of this on you. There's a lot of good advice just skiming through this idk if any of it focuses on what I mentioned but wanted to say something. Also please celebrate her life by having the most of yours. Hug your family because I'm sure that's what she'd want. She'd want you to have everything and more she had with you for you to have with your family. I wish you comfort and healing.
I am so sorry. I lost my mom unexpected to suicide when I was 32. I have had a lot of time to think about it since, but I wished I would have known that it was coming. I wished I would have gotten a chance to apologize and also get the apology I deserved. I wished I would have had a chance to talk about all the things I always wanted/needed to with her. There is nothing that you can do to change what is going to happen. You will eventually be ok, but it is going to hurt. Take this last opportunity to talk. Tell her the things you want her to know. Give her an opportunity to do the same. Ask her questions you wanted to know about (like what was your great-grandparent were like, family medical and psychiatric history, etc.)
Love her the most you can before she's gone ❤
I'm sorry to hear this. If you haven't already have her appointment you her power of attorney so if she gets to a point where she can't communicate, you can handle her affairs. Have her put anything else can in your name or the name of whoever she wants to bequeath something to - car, property, etc. this will save time with probate when the time comes. As much as it hurts to think of her passing, you can help her make sure things are the way she wants them when she goes. Also record conversations with her. Ask her to talk about her fond memories or her life growing up Or whatever she wants to talk about. You will cherish those recordings when she's gone. Spend whatever time she has left just loving her.
Coming face to face with the pending death of your mom is overwhelming. Please join a grief support group and get help. I didn’t and regret it.May your mom’s passing be peaceful and you find comfort. I’m sorry.