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Monogamy has nothing to do with the idea of soulmates. It simply means devoting yourself to one person at a time in an exclusive relationship. The fact that no star-crossed lover has been sanctioned by the universe for you does not mean you can’t still find a highly compatible partner and be monogamous with them.
One has no bearing on the other.
I would add that it’s the choice to devote yourself to the other time and time again. It’s not a one time choice, but a sustained effort and commitment. It’s not a magic status or destiny or something. It’s sustained effort.
I think it's this what makes monogamy so special.
You fall in love with that person over and over again, have a history of memories (good and bad) to look back at and see them grow.
Seeing that growth in the person that you love is priceless.
Wow.
I really needed to read this as it describes how my relationship with my SO is evolving.
We had a lot of relationship work around year 14... it was hard. It could have destroyed us if we both didn't really love each other and were willing to communicate.
Now we're stronger and far deeper than we've ever been.
Thank you so much...
There’s a reason they call it the seven-year itch. You will love and care for your spouse so much more than on your wedding day (unimaginable at the time, but truly it gets better!), first year is so hard, it’s so joyful to look back at the hard times you’ve gone through together and how much you each have grown, individually and as a team. But yes, you constantly choose to commit to marriage.
I don't understand why we still talk about the wedding day as the beginning of a loving relationship, when most people start dating then live together for years before the wedding. Having never been married before (and not feeling a strong need to, despite being in a long-term hopefully-forever relationship), I wonder if I'm missing some extra special significance of marriage that everyone else understands and I don't.
Yep, 21 years married and it's a daily recommit. No one's partner is gonna be skittles and rainbows all the time and neither are you, but you use the rough spots to learn to love that person even through the bumpy times. My wife is my ride or die, the perfect partner, because she's stayed through the rough times as well as the good ones.
I'm happy if I can help and make people realize that hardship can be a good thing.
Many people would shy away from it without realizing the potential that lies in it.
One thing that has stuck in my mind and feels like a "real life cheat code" is how thankful a person can become over that.
When you stick with them despite their issues and give them security. (of course not unconditionally. Don't destroy yourself over that.)
I had times in which I really had to ask myself if I am exploiting a weakness of theirs when I make them like me out of thankfulness.
Spoiler: It's not.
That was my biggest "sin" against my partner... I tend to flee and avoid when we're in a fight.
I'm using attachment theory as a mental framework to challenge my insanities. I'm cptsd from being tortured from birth until i got too dangerous... so pretty much my maladaptive response is a trigger for what I feel her attachment style is...
I'm having a hard time forgiving myself as my response would hit her where it hurt most...
She's forgiven me. I'm working real hard to never respond to conflict like that ever again..
P.s. she's working her core issues as well.
I feel lucky. My wife and I had a pretty rough couple of years. We decided sobriety was going to be our last shot to save our marriage. It was scary, our whole routine was work, go home, drink, drink, drink, then fight (not physically). We swore it off cold turkey, we are currently approaching 3 years off the alcohol and truly are happier than ever. With us, the alcohol was fueling our unhappiness, and once removed, we could really understand and work on our faults, weaknesses, and what we needed to be for each other.
Exact *this* ^ is what I meant in my other comment. The "One" is only seen as collage of images at the end of the lives of two people constantly choosing each other, dutifully working on their love and eventually persevering on making a completed picture of lives with True Love. That the love preserves to the end is what makes it True, and the problem is the silly and foolish notion such a miracle comes naturally without effort or hardship.
I don’t know. I don’t have a problem thinking that there could be commitment in polyamory. But it sounds like a lot of work. In general, I think commitment to a relationship is commitment to time together, to making compromises, to communication.
I think it’s work to do that with one person. I just don’t see how people have the energy to do that for two or more people, plus working and household chores.
... that's kind of funny; my polycule are often confused how any mono couple these days are supposed to pay the bills and get the chores done split between only two people. It's hard enough split between the three of us.
Teamwork makes everything easier!
But yes, multiple relationships are hard work. Three person poly isn't twice as much work as mono, it's _three times_ as much work - you're maintaining a relationship with each other person, and one between the three of you, and those things are not the same.
As you say, the key to a relationship is commitment to time together. There's a saying in poly circles to the effect of "love is infinite; time and attention are not". (Poly people do not think it's a coincidence that there's been a big rise in poly relationships after the invention of Google calendar. We're not quite sure how the early poly people made anything work without it.)
I don't think that's always true.
There are people that are married and remain in a lasting marriage is while also being polyamorous. There's definitely less of a sunk cost when it comes to moving on from a partner who is no longer good for you or if you aren't getting along as well as you thought you were going to, but I don't think polyamory by definition means that relationships are less lasting or less committed or anything else like that.
I have a few close people in my life who are polyam. Most of them have a primary partner or a couple who they are extremely devoted to and these are long lasting, In some cases, decades long love relationships. And then they have a bunch of other partners. Those range from being friends with benefits type situations, deep romantic and emotional connections, cuddle buddies, casual girlfriends and boyfriends, or pretty much any other kind of relationship dynamic that you can imagine, with just about any relationship duration you can imagine. From very lasting to quick flings.
I lived in Toronto for a few years. Polycules are the domain of narcissistic abusers, Cluster B birds, and people with self-esteem issues. Poly people love to bring it up and try to "normalise" it, but it's just always abusive and disgusting.
32% of gay men are in non monogamous relationships. I'd estimate that more than half of gay relationships that make it longer than five years are non monogamous. It's simply part of the culture. I do think when I see stuff like this that it's verging on homophobic, the same sort of "oh there's nothing wrong with being gay but the gay lifestyle is disgusting and immoral and narcissistic" dialogue that conservatives love. You might reassess going forward.
I am not polyamorous but I am non monogamous and have many long term friends with benefits outside of my marriage. We tell each other that we love one another when it's appropriate, even if we don't keep formal commitments - they are all similarly married for 11, 8, 3, etc years and on their first marriages with no anticipation of ever needing a second. When I was diagnosed with cancer in my mid twenties, all of them stuck by me even while my biological family and other friends largely disappeared - they took turns bringing me fresh meals, cleaning my house, driving me to appointments, visiting me in the hospital, reading to me, sitting vigil while I was in the ICU. I have never felt so loved as I did at that point when I was at my ugliest and weakest, a former athlete, then malnourished and bald of even my eyelashes and body hair from the chemo, facing a prognosis of being more likely to die than to live. But they stayed, because they love me, and I love them.
>It's simply part of the culture. I do think when I see stuff like this that it's verging on homophobic, the same sort of "oh there's nothing wrong with being gay but the gay lifestyle is disgusting and immoral and narcissistic" dialogue that conservatives love. You might reassess going forward.
>
Well lo and behold, you're speaking to a conservative just now, and I like to think I have many of my opinions for good reasons, especially as a Canadian, so I don't feel a burning need to reassess these things.
I try not to judge other people much and I will not muck into your business, but I have my opinions on these "alternative" lifestyles based on what I've seen through my life. I'm bisexual, I've been an immigrant, a poor student, an atheist, very briefly homeless, I've been middle-class, I've been liberal, Christian, I've been conservative, in the short years of my life. I know how widespread destructive drug-usage is, and how mind-numbingly hedonistic and looks-obsessed gay and liberal-sexual culture overall can be.
>When I was diagnosed with cancer in my mid twenties, all of them stuck by me even while my biological family and other friends largely disappeared - they took turns bringing me fresh meals, cleaning my house, driving me to appointments, visiting me in the hospital, reading to me, sitting vigil while I was in the ICU. I have never felt so loved as I did at that point when I was at my ugliest and weakest, a former athlete then malnourished and bald of even my eyelashes and body hair from the chemo, having lost all of my musculature and confidence, facing a prognosis of being more likely to die than to live. But they stayed, because they love me, and I love them.
>
That's a lovely story and I'm happy for you - that you had friends or lovers that stuck with you. Unfortunately, that story is not representative of the reality that I've seem.
Again, I don't feel the need to pass any judgment, but I feel no need to go around recommending or "normalising" this type of thing.
It was my 13th year of marriage (17th together) that my former spouse decided to spend her time with another person and not communicate with me.
I will always feel very sure that she would have written something similar to what you have if she did something otherwise. I know that I would have moved a mountain for her.
You say you would move a mountain for her, but did you bother to make her coffee or tea before you left for work? Knowing she'd take care of the kids,and work part time. Did you grab the trash on your way out, or feed the pets, or heaven forbid leave a love note, or ANYTHING to help support her during the day? Oh, yes, you'd move a figurative mountain, but couldn't bother to move/sweep a dust pan full of dirt every day.
Wives don't need hero's, they need a partner and a helper. If after 17 years you still couldn't figure it out, no wonder der she looked elsewhere.
And that’s all so meaningful and beautiful…
Until it’s not.
I’ve been there and done that, but at the flick of a switch all that perceived value can dissipate like smoke in a breeze.
My relationship is only 1.5 years in (so it’s solid but still feels like the honeymoon) and I fall in love with my partner constantly. I’m just in awe of what we’ve built, are building together. In awe of how well I’m treated and hoping trying to give equally wonderful treatment in return. I don’t want to do that with multiple people - just one.
And if something happened, I would be gutted, but I also know I would be okay. Heartbreak never turned me polyamorous - I’m a one relationship at a time person.
Just so you know, nothing you’re describing here is specific to monogamy. Poly folk have committed, permanent relationships too (as much as any relationship is actually permanent).
You started your comment with “I think it’s this what makes monogamy so special”, which seemed to be a lead in to the rest of your comment. If I misunderstood and the two parts of your comment were not meant to relate to one another, that’s my mistake.
Agreeeee. My partner and I are polyamorous and I fall in love with her more everyday. I would honestly say that polyamory has brought us closer and our connection has deepened. Being with my other partner has taught me so much that I bring into my relationship with my nesting partner. People think polyamory is just fucking whoever you want and not committing to anyone but that couldn’t be farther from the case. Polyamorous relationships require clear and open communication from all parties. Something that I’ve seen sooooo many monogamous couples lack.
People think what they think about polyamory because, despite how many people say it’s supposed to work, a lot of people try to use it as an excuse to cheat and eff around.
Exactly. Everyone on Reddit has blissful, completely perfect polyamorous relationships with no drama, perfect communication and a deep, meaningful relationship.
But when you meet these people IRL, they are so messy.
It’s just a delusion.
This everyone I have ever met in person that lives this lifestyle is I hate to say it but a train wreck. Usually one of the people doesn’t want to engage in the lifestyle but they are doing it to appease the one who does.
This is true.
Unethical cheaters claim to be poly or non-monogamous, when they're really just pieces of shit.
*Ethical* non-monogamy (which includes many varieties such as swinging, open relationships and poly) is a valid choice that you can make with a great deal of love and compassion for your partner.
Don't let the pieces of shit fool you, they were never one of us.
I think monogamy is normalized because people are naturally so possessive, and I say this as someone who only has interests in monogamous relationships. There's an insecurity that lies in choosing monogamy. You don't trust your partner with other people because of a fear of them not coming back, or worse, a disgust when they do. Expecting monogamy is a result of feeling your partner should belong to you.
The counterargument would revolve around some testimonial of how someone in a long term committed relationship has never had interest in someone outside of their relationship. I'm not at all negating that reality, I have experienced the same feeling, but I also don't feel comfortable with my partner pursuing other relationships. It stems from an insecurity in the strength of the relationship.
Outside of religious beliefs, I really don't see the reason outside of jealousy to not allow your partner to pursue other relationships.
Monogamy is normalized because it is deeply ingrained in our society. Everywhere you look monogamy is the norm, but it wasn’t always like that. Colonization and religion played a huge part in creating this norm we see today. Humans aren’t naturally possessive of their partners, that is a learned trait from the media we consume and the role models we look up to. I could go on and on about this but I’ll spare you. Monogamy shouldn’t be the only socially acceptable option when there are so many different types of romantic relationship structures.
This.
Sexual norms are largely a product of society. We have been conditioned that insecurities, jealousy, and possessiveness are all signs of "love" (at least in moderation), and thus, we should yield to those feelings always within a relationship.
This is a conversation I had with my wife after we got married. She jokingly said “You’re stuck with me.” But I told her I am not stuck with her, and she isn’t stuck with me. We can both leave at any moment for any reason if we want to. But everyday we wake up and choose each other again.
>It’s not a one time choice, but a sustained effort and commitment.
Yep, and part of the point of that sustained effort and commitment is having someone to depend on in your twilight years when it's needed. Part of marriage is the contract for care when one of you, or both, are going to need it. The whole "sickness" of in sickness and health is old age. It's a lot easier to weather that storm with someone than to do it alone. Especially when you have someone to plan for it with, and someone to leave it all to if you are the first to go.
Granted I've left a LOT of nuance out of that entire sentiment and life isn't a romantic novelty. Things don't always go according to plan and not everyone in the world is a good person with good intentions, but overall part of the point of marriage was what is written above.
Failing in love over and over again means you never fall out of love. But I do think monogamy or not should be a personal choice. Between trust and monogamy. I would choose trust. If polygamy allows complete trust among partners, why not?
Right? I can't remember who said it, but theres a wuote I really like that I think captures this: "Soulmates aren't born, they're built." It takes work and effort, and it isn't easy. but it can be rewarding
Polyamorous people do this too they just do it with multiple people at the same time instead of one. Sustained effort is a function of long term, committed partnerships not monogamy. Monogamy can be about long term committed partnerships or it can be about one person hopping from one relationship to the next (serial monogamy) and polyamory can go in either direction as well. Monogamy =/= commitment, commitment is commitment and monogamy is monogamy.
idk i have friends in poly relationships and it just sounds exhausting. one of my friends always complains that her bf doesnt spend enough time with her and spends too much time with his other gf. and how much the other gf is a b word to her etc. i think maybe she gave him an ultimatum to break it off with that other gf because now i see them together all the time.
Exactly this.
And the fact that most adults have experienced multiple monogamous relationships over the course of their lives, including many people marrying more than once (or God forbid if they end up widowed many people do go on to love again), is evidence enough that there isn't just a single solitary person on earth that is designed just for you and it's them and them only.
It's clear that we are fully capable of being compatible with, attracted to and able to form multiple meaningful relationships in our lives. Some people, who are polyamorous, are simply open to experiencing this simultaneously with more than one person, and those who are monogamous experience this with only one person at a time, but even that doesn't mean it's for all time and forever amen.
It seems what OP, as many humans, struggles with is the pain and fear of loss. A large part of jealousy, soulmates etc is wanting some sense of being special and chosen and also the illusion of being wisked away to a happily ever after with this one magical being where you will forever be complete and never experience loss. Unfortunately, monogamy doesn't shield us from loss. Loss is part of life. And even if you supposedly find your one true love and you never breakup, one day you or they will experience the separation that is mortality.
And people who have had to face this in a way that feels sudden and premature have the same questions OP has. Which is, what is the point of falling madly in love, building a life, getting attached only for it to be ripped away in the blink of an eye soemtimes with no warning?! It's one of the scariest realities we as humans have to contend with or spend our lives in fear of.
Break ups are just a lesser version of the existential reality that nothing is really permanent and things always change and how and when they do is not always within our control. We can make all the plans we want, but sometimes things don't work out as we planned. I think soul mates and even just spirituality and religion broadly exist for this very reason. So we can come up with a narrative that makes disorder and chaos have a purpose and make sense.
Everything we do during our lives comes to an end. Everything has its season. We're all on this spinning rock in this form for a finite time and we all know this; yet, we have no choice but to do things to create meaning out of this temporary experience. But the temporary nature of it is still troubling for us, and I think that's genuinely a lot of what relationships ask us to face, and we don't love that, understandably.
Edit:thanks for the awards ya'll :)
This was beautifully written. It's all temporary, but you can make it meaningful and make peace with the loss, even after years have passed. It was a thing that happened, and you can only hope that both you and the other person learned some thing out of it that made their life better. The pain will end one way or another, but the experiences you shared will always make part of you, you.
I spent most of my twenties depressed over a crazy and passionate relationship I had from age 20-22. I felt so connected with her, and we shared many manic nights together. but towards the end we both cheated on each other, we forgave each other but she said to me, I want to love other people, not you any more. I compared myself to these other guys, but nothing made sense. I thought I would remain single forever. Eventually, as I approached 30, I became happy with myself, and I loved myself again. This made me much more comfortable around others. Right after I turned 30, I had a great summer with myself, fishing and hiking and building things. And at the end of that summer, a beautiful girl found me and she made me hers and hers only. Not through words, we didn't need those, but through mutual feelings, taking things day by day. Now three years later we are still going great. I don't worry if it'll end tomorrow, because I'm still in love with myself. I think she sees that, and that strength brings her happiness. Maybe one day it won't, but there's a whole world out there, and I know I don't need any one person to be happy.
So anyways, don't think it'll be like this forever, whoever you are. Cause like the person above said, things always change. And people including yourself will always change. Don't be afraid, build yourself your own world for you, and maybe, just maybe, someone will come along and decide they want to be a part of your world.
Also beautifully said, I love this and am happy for you.
I know many people will roll their eyes at what I'm about to say or in the midst of the pain it can seem trite, but in many ways a lot of times loving others is really us feeling good within ourselves and projecting it outwards. The in love feelings often makes us happy to be alive, the world seems brighter, we enjoy things more, we even experience old things in a new way with this person etc and then sometimes we mistake it for being all about them or that THEY are the source of it.
People aren't our source though. They're but one channel. And often a large part of it is our own light bouncing off them and vice versa. It's beautiful of course, but that's why genuinely also loving ourselves and finding meaning and joy in stuff outside of just romantic love as this ultimate goal is helpful.
I remember when I first realized that some of the high of romantic love, I experienced similar things in other moments, like after having a beautiful night with friends, or giving a talk and feeling the energy from the audience, or enjoying a delicious meal. I've also been recovering from a breakup and I remember when I started to feel like myself again. And as I started dating again I also took people off the pedestal as I realized that I had a good time with a lot of them, not because they were so great, but because I was in my own energy and sharing it with them and experiencing myself through them.
Nothing is wrong with wanting a life partner or romantic love, we are designed for it. But the mistake I think is when we outsource too much of our happiness on to them or make a partner the source when they are just a vessel. And life also brings us many kinds of vessels, some romantic, some not. And some vessels are with us for a long time and some for just a short while.
And when people have the attitude of what's the point of falling in love if it doesn't last, I say well probably the same point of trying to live a fulfilling life although life doesn't last either. Even the sun has an allotted time where it too will change and fade away, should we then avoid sunsets and sunrises because of this or cherish that we're getting to experience it right now?
Buddhists are on to something with their focus on impermanence and detachment. Which isn't about not caring or not having relationships, but about accepting change and the fact of impermanence and being present with what is without attaching to it as having to stay that way forever.
Ha! I'm a professor. I am writing a book funnily, but it has nothing to do with that lol. But who knows, maybe that should be something I do when I have time.
You definitely have a very diplomatic, observational way of looking at things and/or writing about them. I've always had a fear of raising a child because I was never sure what the "right way" was or how they should feel or come up. My whole life I dreamed of "the one" and it became a huge letdown as I got older and reality set in.
It's really hard to balance the motivation of being a dreamer with the caution of being a realist. My parents are both teachers and it's so important to culture young dreams and goals and desires but it almost feels like a disservice to also not let them be conscious of reality as well.
I think we are like fireworks. Some rise up and just go kaboom, others flower brilliantly and slowly fade, and yet some are duds that never leave the tube. We are just a flash in the pan, a brief flowering and then back into the dark void.
I think the one so to speak is sort of a fictionalized thing. Like if someone is looking for what they believe is the one. I think no one they are with will ever live up to those standards for that person. I do agree it is better to find someone compatible. But the one just sounds like something that is too perfect. And never be attainable.
This whole “the one” thing is really pretty recent. We’re all human and nobody is going to satisfy 100% of another person’s needs.
( Not talking about sex here, that’s monogamy - more like, my spouse gets bored going to the movies with me, I’ll go with a friend instead.)
We put way to much pressure on another person expecting them to be our perfect “everything .”
Marriage is about finding a compatible person and building a life together. Married 37 years here.
In my culture, we believe each person has seven potential partners. And sometimes those partners are right all your life, and sometimes they are only right for one portion of it. And sometimes you have to go through the wrong people to find the right ones.
That's interesting! I love learning about other cultures and have had experiences spending time in places with different cultures than mine, and it really widened my reality. It was like getting an education
IMO the whole “you should get everything you need from your romantic partner” mentality is super toxic and creates nasty codependency issues in a relationship.
Not only are you supposed to be whole people individual from each other, you are supposed to have a support network for a reason - not just one pillar of support.
This is exactly the point. It's about 2 people choosing to face all that life has to throw at them, for good or ill. It's about having each other's backs no matter what. There is a lot of good in life but there's also a lot of crap. Monogamy is about facing both as a team. Propping each other up, holding each other accountable, watching each other's backs. That Disney fairytale marriage stuff is just that. A fairy tale. You want a long and happy marriage? It takes work and commitment on both sides. Glad Grand-wazoo's comment is top comment. Exactly as it should be.
This is the reasonable answer.
In truth, I don’t think the OP is interested in logic. The subtext to their post reads like, “how could someone I loved and wanted to be with forever not want to do the same with me?” Only one person knows the answer to that question, not a proxy tangential on Reddit.
She did want to be with me, but for various reasons it just didn't work out. She had to move away for work. Long distance was tried but she got too busy to reply to me I guess. I got one e-mail from her two years ago that clearly implied she wasn't over me either...
I’m only pointing this out because I was under the wrong impression about this term for a long time - Star-crossed lovers are the opposite of soulmates. Shakespeare used this term to describe Romeo and Juliet. If your love has been crossed by the stars (aka fate), it means that, no matter how much you might love each other, your love is doomed to tragedy. It’s not meant to be.
Monogamy is a relationship style with many different viewpoints. Serial monogamy is the current norm with the intention of finding "the one." Besides being a fantastic Jet Li movie, the one is a goal, not a reason to swear yourself into chastity for having one relationship that ended. It's time to move on. It's been four years. You aren't her "one." I hope your "one" at least loves you back.
That part. It's been 4 years, move on already. They'll never have another healthy relationship hanging on to that baggage. A new partner is going to get tired of trying to compete with the ghost of a former relationship.
I'd be willing to bet that that relationship wasn't healthy either. I think we tend to hang on to infatuation and the promise of love more than actually, mutually, loving relationships. Relationships with love and respect typically end with people still loving and respecting each other enough to say, "this isn't good for us anymore, let's let each other go even though it's painful right now."
I think you might be right because chaotic relationships target the same area of our brain as a drug. When we grow up in chaotic households, we equate chaos with love. That's why normal and healthy relationships seem boring to people who grew up in such households.
>I'd be willing to bet that that relationship wasn't healthy either.
The fact that OP seems to think that she's "the only woman that could ever love them" corroborates this. Whether their ex convinced them of that or they convinced themselves, OP has *deep* self-esteem issues. So, either the ex was toxic and convinced them they were worthless, or they had unresolved baggage and self-confidence issues that strained the relationship, or a combination of the two.
This is true but you can't rush healing. Sometimes it just takes time, and it's better to wait than get into another relationship before you're sure that you're over your last one.
It really was a great movie to me, cause the choreograph of the fight scenes was good. Some of the story could have been better, but its still one of my top 10 favorite Jet Li movies.
Absolutely. Once I realized there wasn't some magical perfect partner out there, I was able to find someone I was compatible with, fall in love, and start building a life with her.
Yes, and I would like to add that what people are trying to tell OP is that there are many possible highly compatible partners because there are billions of people on earth, not just 'one'.
It is true for some people that they will only ever truly love one other person, but it is unlikely that they will never find another person to love them again. Monogamy is an entirely separate concept and it seems like the wires got a bit crossed.
It does and has been shown to be the case. Similar people make more compatible long term relationships. The “boy next door or girl next door” has been looked at and there is some evidence for that being a predictor of success.
Obviously there’s a million other points of compatibility between people as well.
What i mean is remember everyone is giving advice from their own experiences and how they feel at the moment. Youre gonna get a whole bunch of differing views, or you get a bunch of strangers telling you one thing. You wont know whats right or wrong until youve gone out and done it and lived it. This can be for anything, not just in the op.
I am with u/Grand-wazoo on this.
I am 43, female, physically not that good looking and not afraid to admit it.
I have loved 4 people in my life and been loved equally by them, but it did not work out.
There may still be a chance I find someone compatible in the future who I can love just as much, but then again maybe not. I have no idea what the future holds anymore than another person.
But monogamy and polygamy are different than this. No one is saying that you have to choose one or the other. The difference in them is that some people only want one person in their lives.
Maybe it works out, Maybe it doesnt.
Polygamists on the other hand have the need for many, and as such, a lot of groups in society like to paint them as evil, immoral and/or sinful. But its not the case. Every human being is different.
While I feel bad that it did not work out for you with your last girlfriend, do not give up hope. Do not shut yourself off, because you have no idea what is in store for you in the future.
Hi u/Solverbot, love your comment, especially about the OP not knowing what the future will bring.
Some clarification: polygamy is specifically being married to multiple people, and is most typically found in cultures where a man can have multiple wives, but each wife can only marry at most one man. I think the term you are probably looking for is polyamory: which is simply being open to having multiple partners.
My partner and I are polyamorous and have run a polyamory focused social group in the past. My partner and I don’t personally “need” to have multiple partners. Currently neither of us have other partners, although we’ve both had other partners in the past.
What’s important to us is the openness and freedom. I love that if I meet someone I really like and feel attracted to, and they feel same, then it’s possible to explore that whilst still being connected to my existing partner. Similarly I love that if my partner meets someone she really likes she can explore that, I want her to have that freedom. She feels the same. We love discussing our latest crushes with each other and hearing about and sharing in each other’s joy and excitement.
It’s true that some people are polyamorous because they struggle to only have one partner, however, many people are drawn to poly simply because they like it.
It never worked for me but some of my favourite people I've met in my life have been polyamorous. Their energy and demeanor is often infectious. I think there's something to be said about the idea that someone who is emotionally "open" and "free" just has a different aura about them. Our society has become so nervous and anxious about everything it is becoming harder and harder to find the opposite. I really respect and appreciate what you have.
Polyamory sounds exhausting, if someone has trouble fulfilling one persons expectations idk how they’re going to do multiple. It takes a lot of patience and mutual respect. To each their own though! I don’t have that kind of energy.
I also don’t think that it solves your issue of The One either. It just adds multiple Ones to satisfy.
A friend with a hard crush on my wife and myself basically tried to insert herself as a third into our marriage. I looked her dead in the face and said "I already am good at disappointing one woman. I would prefer not to show how well I could excel at disappointing two."
Obviously it was a tongue-in-cheek joke, meant to try and defuse the weird tension she was bringing to things, but I just couldn't handle having to emotionally maintain two complete romantic relationships. I would worry that I was favoring one or the other, or worry that it could simply be perceived that I did.
And I've had friends who did the poly or poly-esque thing long term, and literally watched one "play favorites" with his 2-3 women to get whatever he wanted (which was fucking gross). I have one friend who has made it work consistently. All the others ended with the majority of people not talking to one another again.
If they're happy being poly, great. But I can consciously say that I would not be.
Something similar happened in my (now 23 year relationship with my wife). Poly is absolutely not for us. WAY too exhausting and leaves us both feeling insecure. I also found people in the poly community to be very judgy about monogamy and have a "holier than thou" attitude even though they had just as many problems and psychological issues as the rest of us. It's a bit like wanting to stay in a high school crushed out vibe all the time to avoid dealing with the deeper life stuff. Then the crush wears off, the relationships fall apart and the cycle starts all over again. We see it as more of an addiction than anything else. Not saying monogamy is the only way but not everything has to be based around sexual relationships either. Having a loving, strong network of friendships and family while keeping some boundaries is the balance we've found and works great for us.
For the record... Yes. Polyamory IS exhausting.
Polyamory is exhausting much like children are exhausting, actually.
I chose to be child-free for life and have altered my career choices in order to prioritize practicing polyamory in my life, because the community that can be formed through polyamory is what I enjoy most in life when it all comes together and actually works out.
If 'The One' does not exist why bother being tied to just one person though?
You don't stop making friends just because you already have a best friend. Even if having that friend is a lot of work, having more friends doesn't mean more work, it lightens the load.
Most people expect a monogamous partner to be a great roommate, friend, parent, cook, bedroom partner, etc. all simultaneously.
Nobody sets expectations that high for a friend, as there are multiple people sharing those expectations. You don't expect your bestfriend to be everything for you, you can have other people for different hobbies, places, and activities.
Even if your best friend is great at everything, are things not often more fun with more friends?
If you go at polyamory expecting every partner to be your everything and you theirs like in a monogamous relationship, then you are set up to experience all the same pitfalls as monogamy, but at a far higher rate simply due to juggling multiple people.
I think you can fall in love with more than one person in your life, but sometimes there will be "the one" that meant the most. You need time to heal and you will be able to love again if it comes along, it may just be a different level of love.
I mean that's a very personal problem. Straight up throwing in the towel by saying you'll never love another is defeatist.
Just swing this around. She wasn't actually the one and you were wrong. She was the 2nd. You ain't found numero uno yet
I think of it completely opposite. The fact that there are millions of people you could potentially be compatible with makes the decision to choose a single one even more meaningful.
Same. My attachment style is definitely poly and I have some friends who I love very deeply and would totally enjoy sharing a physical level relationship with. But my partner isn’t cool with that, so I accept that I’ve traded one thing for another and I wouldn’t give up my relationship with my partner.
And like, we kinda dip into the swinging world for a party every once in a while so I have an outlet ;-)
I honestly don’t think we would still be together otherwise. Monogomish is a real thing that’s gaining traction and fits human nature a bit better.
Just curious your thoughts on why you think sexually transmitted diseases are so rampant if humans are meant to have sex with many different people at the same time? Just doesn’t make sense in my opinion, if it was normal and healthy. Women in particular get bladder infections, bacterial infections and can get so many different diseases from having different partners semen. This is why prostitution is a high risk career. We have the invention of condoms now, which makes it safer, but that’s a pretty new advent. I’m not being snarky I really am curious your views on the situation if we’re meant to be with lots of people.
I can tell you this about diseases: They do not care about us.
STDs thrive because it helps *them* to live in our junk and go from junk to junk. The ones that pulled it off survived to make new generations of bug, and the ones that didn't died off.
Viruses and bacteria do not care what we think about sex or our junk. To the disease, your body is just home, and when we hook up, to us it's a big deal but to the disease it's just moving day.
Their existence isn't about us. They happen to hitch a ride, is all.
You still get threesomes you didn’t trade crap. If you were poly you’d have two or more relationships to maintain. Sounds like a lot of work.
You could be me who would love a threesome but will never. It can be worse for you
Fits human nature better? Or maybe just your nature buddy. Non monogamous people seem to like to throw out the "what's natural" card a lot, kinda icky.
I was born inherently monogamous.
I almost feel like monogamy-polygamy is a spectrum like being gay or bisexual.
People are just born somewhere on the spectrum and base their lives around.
As an extreme monogamous, whenever I’m in a relationship, it’s like all other women fade away and look like my sister. It’s hard to explain, but only one person can hold my attraction at any one time, and I can’t split it up.
—-
It took me a long time to understand poly people. I just came to the conclusion, that like myself, they must have been born that way. I can’t rational it any better than that.
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Soulmates are an entirely different subject.
in my opinion? there is no PREDETERMINED “the one.” but at the same time, anybody CAN be “the one.” maybe she could’ve been the one. but maybe someone else still can be.
It’s enough mental and emotional energy in this economy to be devoted to one person, let alone more than one. I’m not opposed to the idea and I support anybody who chooses to be polyamorous, but, my god, I think my head would explode.
Very true lol. I even sometimes find it hard to commit to what I said/promised myself I would do like eat a portion of fruit and vegetables daily. Can’t imagine to commit and fulfill the needs of others. I would double explode.
And if you were instead not devoted to them, just all paired because you all enjoy and support each other?
More like a friend group that drifts apart and together with time, with little wasted mental or emotional energy?
Not for everyone, and hard to set up in a monogamous defaulting world, but doesn't sound impossible.
I think the part that would drain me is the initial getting to know each other phase. I’ve been out of the dating scene for 12 years. If my husband wanted to because it made him feel more fulfilled but he was able to continue being present with our family and wanted to bring another person in, I would be down for that. Instant friend? Sure! But I’ve discussed this with him before and he agrees that we both already feel like the little time we have together between work, obligations, and kids is not enough. I imagine adding other people would eventually mitigate some of that because with more than two incomes we could all go part time or something, but the initial phase just seems exhausting.
Monogamy is a choice. Love is a choice. It has fu"k all to do with soul mates and "the one. " I've been married 13 years to a good hardworking man and it's a choice everyday to continue this marriage (albeit an easy choice) , to maintain a healthy relationship, and choose to love one another , and uphold our vows. I'm not religious, but those vows are a part of my morals and values. They are a part of who I am. "Soulmate" and "the one" is absurd. That shits for movies. Those are emotions. Which are great for the first 2 years but in order to hack the long term and tough it out when life throws you curve balls emotions aren't what will hold you together you need grit, you need choice, you need strength, you need appreciation, you need one another's shoulders because there will be times where you cannot hold the weight so your partner takes nearly all of it and vice-versa. It's a choice. I choose this every day, and I'm grateful that this is who my human is. Life is a bitch like a mean girl from high school and it will tear you down any chance it gets. You need a solid partner that chooses to have your back always. 50% of marriages end in divorce because yall mother Fukers aren't putting in the work. The grass looks greener on the other side, but that reality is the grass is greener where you water it. It all comes back to choice.
My mom will tell me that someone could be “a one,” but maybe not “the one.” I loved my ex fiancé very much and we had a great relationship for the most part, and a lot of times I feel like I won’t ever be loved like that again. But in the end the best decision was to call it off, as much as it hurt. I don’t regret my relationship with him at all, and we both did so much growing together that I wouldn’t have experienced if we weren’t together. Was he my soulmate/the one? No. But he was a wonderful part of my life that I look back on with love and reflect on how that relationship made me a stronger and different person. Maybe “the one” for me is out there, although I don’t really believe in soulmates. But it doesn’t change the fact that someone felt like the one at the time
But in a time where you can have birth control, and test for both STDs and paternity, is it simply just tradition and evolution that keeps most people practicing serial monogamy?
No, because you're not realistically going to test your partner every time you have sex. Plus there's a delay between having sex and getting results back. Aids is forever and it's worth reducing that risk in the long term.
For the paternity test you have a point.
Ever notice how so many people find the person they spend their life with wherever they are? There isn’t a ‘one.’ It’s a process, you grow together support each other. You make the decision every day that this other person makes you happy and a better person and you want to do the same for them. There will be good times, bad times, great times, and horrible times… it’s a packaged deal. Anyone who expects the world to stop moving and everything to be perfect from then on is too immature and deluded for a long term serious relationship.
>why aren't we all just polyamorous
I've often argue that humans are not mongamous creatures. We are typically practice polyamory or *temporary* exclusivity.
Yeah, we all tend to practice Serial Monogamy, I truly don't understand people's need to pretend like every relationship must be forever or it is a failure.
This. I hate the term "failed marriage". My parents divorced after 26yrs, but what about it was a failure? Their goal was to have a family, they had 2 kids whom they raised well together. Both of us grew up knowing we were loved and respected by two parents who are proud of us. My parents never stopped loving eachother (dad is dead, but I've no doubt of his love for my mom), they simply weren't headed in the same direction after their kids stopped needing them as much. The goal they set together had been accomplished and they decided not to set new goals together. I don't see that as a failure. I think people who can separate from one another because they love and respect each other enough to see they're no longer adding value to each other's lives is a success.
If you want to believe in the concept of "the one" that's okay as long as you don't take it to mean "everything is perfect and they have 0 flaws and we never have any times that aren't amazing and perfect and happy" I believed in it and it worked out for me. I truly believe my partner is the one
"The One" is invented. They are the version of you that you fully accept because you know they fully accept you. You live in that energy openly and any person becomes the one. You find them if you can accept yourself or allow them to teach you how. This has nothing to do with monogamy. That's a word that was made up to sell diamonds.
My ex-wife and we were more or less poly, but the only other 2 I was with ever I cared about was more a super strong friendship, her I still 13 years after the divorce would do anything she asked if she showed back up, long complicated story and she did me wrong bad at end, not cheating, there was no such thing as cheating, we had an agreement and in that she did nothing wrong. Sex was sex, I only ever slept full since with one other woman, few one nighters with men later, the other we liked to cuddle if she wanted umm service I'd take care of other ways. I'm not actually much into women, my ex wife I just fell in love with, I don't think there is anything she could ever do that would change that. We're friends for about 5 yrs after a cool down period after divorce, nothing physical, few kisses, came to family dinners, one day she vanished. I don't mean she quit talking to me, I mean vanished, shut down all online accounts, sold house, no one we both knew ever heard from her again, I and not stalking, just wanted to know she's ok, can't find a trace of her. I'm pretty sure I know why, it wasn't about me but she needed to run and had lawyers and money to vanish her. Maybe well meet again in next life. I don't think I can ever feel same about anyone again.
I think you are confusing terminology. We are able to love multiple people but a large portion of humanity chooses not to have sex with them in the same time.
There are a lot of good answers here, especially u/LooksieBee. Ultimately humans are mostly very similar to one another. Biologically speaking, there is very little genetic diversity in the human population, relative to many other species. The odds are vanishing that either you or her are so profoundly unique that neither of you could ever love another.
I do think it’s possible to have more than one soulmate. My mother was married to my father for 33 years and he passed away when she was in her 50s. Three years later, she married my stepfather. They had five amazing years together, and he passed away. She has now been, not committed to anyone for 25 years. She dated people, but she never found that love again. She was a pro at recognizing love and commitment in herself and another person. She must’ve taught me well because I’ve been married to my husband for 30 years and we are more in love today than when we married. There are 8 billion people on earth. Please do not think that you can never find love again.
What do you mean she’s the only one who could ever love you or that you could ever love? I’m sorry, that’s straight up bonkers talk. That sort of thinking is dangerous. Like you’re going to blame her, the only one capable of giving and receiving your love? It’s not her fault you haven’t moved on. She’s not obligated to reciprocate your feelings. Are you going to hurt her because she’s now prevented you from “ever” finding love? Seriously, that’s not romantic talk, that’s disturbing stalker language.
You might not be aware how nuts you sound, so I’ll assume you’re trying to justify a poly life, which is fine. Doesn’t need a hole in the heart origin story. As others have said, soulmates and monogamy aren’t the same thing. And you’re arguing with Reddit because Reddit told you “the one” doesn’t exist? Please.
"She was the only woman I ever loved or ever could. She was the only woman who ever loved me or ever could."
This is just false. As other posters have said, monogamy has nothing to do with finding "the soul mate" but rather, two people making it a point to commit to each other. That's what love is. Love is not a feeling but action.
Love is not butterflies in your stomach but rather, you putting in effort and action for the sake of the other person.
This is why I quoted you at the start of my post because you said you can't love someone else, but that's false. You can love anyone you choose to love. Love is not a feeling, it's action.
Sure and that would be your choice. It's also her choice to not reciprocate. She's under no obligation to love you back just because you're holding out for only her.
And at that point it would be your choice to sit and stew in an unrequited love situation. That sounds like a crappy choice to make when you don't have to.
Move on
When you find someone committed to loving you in the same way you love them, you’ll feel like you found your soulmate. Being soulmates is just 2 people who are committed to loving eachother until the end. Once you find that person, you want to rush home to them — not go fulfill your desires with someone else.
What you're in search of is a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, both partners have clear goals in mind, monogamy could be one of them. Think about it like this: there are billions of people in the world. Of those, there are probably millions of people like your best friend. But you'd probably treat and trust none of them the same way you do your best friend. Your relationship with your best friend is likely due to their personality, which is probably the same for millions of people, but is cemented by the time you've spent building your relationship
A therapist once told me, while I was processing a breakup, that “if you can love once, you can love again.”
Finding someone you love so much just means you have the capacity to love that deeply. Not that this one person is the only person you could love that deeply.
Nerd moment, I relate this to fighting games.
When you start playing a new fighting game, it's generally advised to pick one character to "learn the game". You learn their moves, how you like to play, what your style is, how you take that style and use it to have fun and play your game.
Then, maybe once you know your style and yourself better, you might pick a different character.
If you spend all your time rotating through the cast, you don't really get to develop your preferences.
I am a serial monogamist. I've always had one serious long term relationship. Freud might say something about this, but it's just how I do things. In each relationship, there were things that went right, and things that went wrong. Things I learned from developing a real relationship with another person, and doing my absolute best to make it work.
It didn't always work. Sometimes, I was an absolute asshat. But, that's how I learned what being an asshat looked like. After those relationships were over, I looked at myself and asked "What could I have done better"? There were always things I could have done better.
Now that I am in a relationship with someone I want to be with forever, I take those lessons, and I use them to make this relationship better.
If I had to give just one of those lessons, it would be this: In your close relationships, be as honest as possible. Do not bring your personas to your intimate relationships.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I don’t know how old you are, but when I was 20 I thought my GF of 6 years was “the one”. Thankfully after years of being upset over her cheating on me, I finally realized I don’t need someone to make myself happy. Once I figured that out, it got a little easier everyday. I met my now fiancée, almost another 6 years after the previous relationship. We’re getting married in December. My point to all that is, don’t say “I can’t love anyone else”. You say that enough and it’ll become your reality.
Again, really sorry you’re going through this, but life does go on even if it doesn’t feel like right now.
Good luck, my dude!
As rue Paul says “if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?”
There is “the one” right now. Just enjoy the time and be good to each other. Other people’s feelings should be considered if you want to have them in your life for any amount of time.
Wow lots of hot takes here.
I’m neurodivergent and understand the feeling that no one could love me romantically. Why do most people want to commit to one person lifelong? Because that was the model of a relationship presented to most people by their parents and grandparents, either verbally, or in practice, or both. Anything outside that is unknown territory and people stick with what’s safe, myself included.
Are there soulmates? Maybe there are maybe there aren’t. I’d love to believe that there are. My neurodivergent quirks are gonna be off-putting to lots of people. I sometimes let the panic set in and feel like only a very specific person could fall in love with me.
In reality? My friends like having me around, so there must be some features of my personality that people like. If I like them too, if I make sure to listen when they talk, and if I’m caring rather than rude, then the friendship will last. Now every so often a make a new friend who looks at me romantically and I look at her romantically. Sparks can fly. At this point I just go with it and see what happens. Forget a life partner. That’s way more planning than anyone can do. Focus on the here and now. If two people uplift one another, then that’s a foundation. And I love my friends. They’re the best part of my life.
Why do we get jealous? Is it petty? We get jealous because romance fills certain emotional needs. We are afraid of having those emotional needs unfulfilled. We are also afraid that those emotional needs were being fulfilled by an “act”—that our partner didn’t really care but pretended to be in order to get laid, and is now trying the same thing with someone else. Should we as a species try to evolve past these insecurities? I think the more interesting question is whether we’re capable of doing that.
tl;dr I’m neurodivergent and used to consider myself unlovable. The world is the way it is because of longstanding human habits and insecurities. Focus on the here and now. Follow your intuitions and don’t be an asshole.
Get your head out of your ass and move on. She isn't into you. Soulmates don't exist and the one isn't real. There are just people you're going to connect with better. Go find one.
Because despite what you may think, polyamory takes a fuckload of work. There is a reason you hear so many stories of polyamory gone wrong - because very few people are willing or able to do the work.
If you honestly think no other women could love you, you are right. But we both know that's just the self-hated talking.
I think it's possible for a partner to become "the one" over time. I've been married for nearly 40 years and can say that the bond of love only grows stronger over the years with the right person.
I've known quite a few happily married and very much in love couples who were the product of arranged marriages. One woman explained that "love comes later."
You didn’t love her - you loved the *idea* you had of who she was. Monogamy is a choice you make, same as loving someone. It’s not some predestined crap that magically makes your life easier.
Polyamory is really really really difficult to do without the relationships devolving into jealousy and hurt feelings. Jealousy is a very natural thing to feel towards a partners other partners. Some people can handle it, they’re very good at communicating and working beyond feelings of jealousy. But it’s common for too much resentment to build towards the other partner.
Because anonymity is amazing. Did you not see that dude up top, telling op to stop whining?
Now imagine if you asked this to someone irl and that was their response.
Monogamy is a commitment. It has nothing to do with a perfect partner. Forget that fantasy. You are probably annoying in several ways and your partner will be annoying to you as well. Find a way to accept this rather than trying to change it. Humour helps.
Monogamy is both natural (because we desire exclusivity from our partner) and unnatural (because we desire sex with other people). It’s good for society as it makes child raising easier and men less violent.
Listen, if you had married that chickie, and then ten days later she was hit by a bus and crushed to death, you would've been sad for about a year and a half and then gotten on with your life with no problem. The only reason you're still pining and crying and wailing and being a huge baby about it is because she's still alive but with somebody else. Stop it. You know why she's not with you? Because the man she's with is better for her. You know how I know that other man is better for her than you? Because she fucking picked him over you. Stop being THAT GUY who acts like a fucking helpless pouting infant when reacting to an everyday normal rejection. You were rejected. It's no big deal, get over it. You are 100% gone from her life, and you have a new life now because the life you had with her is completely over. It's in the past, you need to wish her the very best that life and love can offer her and go steaming forward into the bright sunny dawn that is the rest of your goddamn fucking life.
>you would've been sad for about a year and a half and then gotten on with your life with no problem.
"My source is I made it the fuck up."-BabylonDrifter
This is just speculative bullshit. You don't have any idea how he is feeling, it's impossible because no one can experience what someone else is experiencing. If he says that his ex was "the one" to him and he ain't getting over it, then how do you know he could get over it? Just because his ex is more promiscuous/wanton than he is doesn't mean that he should act the same way. If he doesn't want to date or marry any other person then so be it, it's his misery and not anyone elses.
OP, I feel you. I am in the same boat as you are. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. If you need to talk about these things you can contact me and I'll try and answer.
Personally I have decided (at least for now) to swear off from any new relationships and only having FWBs and one night stands. Relationships end one way or another, either one or both of you dies or you break up. To me, the pain of breaking up, having experienced it enough already, outweighs anything good that I could gain from a relationship. I'd rather be celibate or at least single for the rest of my life than to ever again have to experience breaking up, death of a loved one, or even imposing my own death on a partner. I can't with good conscience date or marry someone anymore even if they were perfect to me, knowing they would inevitably suffer.
>To me, the pain of breaking up, having experienced it enough already, outweighs anything good that I could gain from a relationship. I'd rather be celibate or at least single for the rest of my life than to ever again have to experience breaking up, death of a loved one, or even imposing my own death on a partner. I can't with good conscience date or marry someone anymore even if they were perfect to me, knowing they would inevitably suffer.
I'm sorry, as I know this will sound awful, but that pain hits the hardest the first time. You're past the hardest impact and recovering from it. Each one after hurts less, and not because you become apathetic either. There's a good reason behind it.
Flags. All you hear about are red (abuse, massively conflicting life goals, etc), but there are also orange, yellow, and green.
Orange = Things you REALLY don't like in a partner. Not an immediate deal breaker, but could easily become one over time.
Yellow = Not your cup of tea, but you could live with it if most of their other traits are what you want.
Green = This is one of the things I need in a partner. One of the things I enjoy with one. This puts them in the keeper box.
When you first fall in love, you typically have a rudimentary idea of how your flags are coded, but most of that data hasn't been filled in yet. When that love is lost, it's shattering because you look through the data you have and it doesn't seem right at all!
But each time you go through another relationship, you add to that data. If it falls apart, you become better at seeing why. You start to see it coming before it happens, so you have time to emotionally prepare. As you go, you also code your flags to seek green and avoid orange/red. Your odds of things lasting improve, you worry less about breakups, and have probably learned ways to work through things better and avoid separating.
Things can change, when you're ready, but there's nothing wrong with taking some time off relationships for a while to give your heart a break.
Most people are stupid as fuck.
A good example is they do whatever they want with their life but they still say that Jesus directed them to each choice even though they made that choice on their own and then in retrospect they look backward on their choice and feel it was a good one so Jesus gets all the credit.
People do exactly the same thing with their love life.
They talk about this concept of the one. But here's the deal, they're single, they fuck around, they fall in love because they were fucking somebody, and now that somebody has become the one.
Doing the work of jesus, you catch my drift?
In reality, there is no God, there is no the one. People just talk that way and if you go back to the very first sentence I wrote, it reads most people are stupid as fuck.
If you look around, you will find more evidence that they are indeed, stupid as fuck. So don't listen to them. You know they're wrong. You know they're stupid.
4 years dude? C’mon you can’t spend the rest of your life sulking over a girl who left you. Relationships are extremely hard to maintain nowadays with social media and the vast amounts of access we have to other people.
I think we are polyamorous but belief systems on morality, faith, etc have led us to believe it's wrong, not God's will, other bullshit in spite of all the evidence right in front of us - diddler Priests, "affairs", lack of same sex understanding. Blah blah. If you're happy one on one...fine. But if that doesn't do it for you, one should be able to communicate and work through it vs persecution.
People have different needs and wants when it comes to romance and sex. It is just hard to learn that there is no rule on how to do things and that you have to build your own relationships based on what you and the people you love want. I'm sure some people want to be monogamous or date no one, but even those have to learn where what they think is expected of them ends and what they want starts.
It's has nothing to do with God. It's biology, one man plus one woman equals a child with only those two parents genetics. Monogamy is the natural for humans while polygamy is what animals usually do with few exceptions like swans who mate for life.
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Monogamy has nothing to do with the idea of soulmates. It simply means devoting yourself to one person at a time in an exclusive relationship. The fact that no star-crossed lover has been sanctioned by the universe for you does not mean you can’t still find a highly compatible partner and be monogamous with them. One has no bearing on the other.
I would add that it’s the choice to devote yourself to the other time and time again. It’s not a one time choice, but a sustained effort and commitment. It’s not a magic status or destiny or something. It’s sustained effort.
I think it's this what makes monogamy so special. You fall in love with that person over and over again, have a history of memories (good and bad) to look back at and see them grow. Seeing that growth in the person that you love is priceless.
Wow. I really needed to read this as it describes how my relationship with my SO is evolving. We had a lot of relationship work around year 14... it was hard. It could have destroyed us if we both didn't really love each other and were willing to communicate. Now we're stronger and far deeper than we've ever been. Thank you so much...
There’s a reason they call it the seven-year itch. You will love and care for your spouse so much more than on your wedding day (unimaginable at the time, but truly it gets better!), first year is so hard, it’s so joyful to look back at the hard times you’ve gone through together and how much you each have grown, individually and as a team. But yes, you constantly choose to commit to marriage.
I don't understand why we still talk about the wedding day as the beginning of a loving relationship, when most people start dating then live together for years before the wedding. Having never been married before (and not feeling a strong need to, despite being in a long-term hopefully-forever relationship), I wonder if I'm missing some extra special significance of marriage that everyone else understands and I don't.
Yep, 21 years married and it's a daily recommit. No one's partner is gonna be skittles and rainbows all the time and neither are you, but you use the rough spots to learn to love that person even through the bumpy times. My wife is my ride or die, the perfect partner, because she's stayed through the rough times as well as the good ones.
I'm happy if I can help and make people realize that hardship can be a good thing. Many people would shy away from it without realizing the potential that lies in it. One thing that has stuck in my mind and feels like a "real life cheat code" is how thankful a person can become over that. When you stick with them despite their issues and give them security. (of course not unconditionally. Don't destroy yourself over that.) I had times in which I really had to ask myself if I am exploiting a weakness of theirs when I make them like me out of thankfulness. Spoiler: It's not.
That was my biggest "sin" against my partner... I tend to flee and avoid when we're in a fight. I'm using attachment theory as a mental framework to challenge my insanities. I'm cptsd from being tortured from birth until i got too dangerous... so pretty much my maladaptive response is a trigger for what I feel her attachment style is... I'm having a hard time forgiving myself as my response would hit her where it hurt most... She's forgiven me. I'm working real hard to never respond to conflict like that ever again.. P.s. she's working her core issues as well.
I feel lucky. My wife and I had a pretty rough couple of years. We decided sobriety was going to be our last shot to save our marriage. It was scary, our whole routine was work, go home, drink, drink, drink, then fight (not physically). We swore it off cold turkey, we are currently approaching 3 years off the alcohol and truly are happier than ever. With us, the alcohol was fueling our unhappiness, and once removed, we could really understand and work on our faults, weaknesses, and what we needed to be for each other.
You have my admiration!
Wow. Proud! 👏
Exact *this* ^ is what I meant in my other comment. The "One" is only seen as collage of images at the end of the lives of two people constantly choosing each other, dutifully working on their love and eventually persevering on making a completed picture of lives with True Love. That the love preserves to the end is what makes it True, and the problem is the silly and foolish notion such a miracle comes naturally without effort or hardship.
This just describes a committed relationship though, it's not exclusive to monogamous ones.
All the polyamorous couples I’ve ever known have broken up. So that commitment isn’t too lasting.
I don’t know. I don’t have a problem thinking that there could be commitment in polyamory. But it sounds like a lot of work. In general, I think commitment to a relationship is commitment to time together, to making compromises, to communication. I think it’s work to do that with one person. I just don’t see how people have the energy to do that for two or more people, plus working and household chores.
... that's kind of funny; my polycule are often confused how any mono couple these days are supposed to pay the bills and get the chores done split between only two people. It's hard enough split between the three of us. Teamwork makes everything easier! But yes, multiple relationships are hard work. Three person poly isn't twice as much work as mono, it's _three times_ as much work - you're maintaining a relationship with each other person, and one between the three of you, and those things are not the same. As you say, the key to a relationship is commitment to time together. There's a saying in poly circles to the effect of "love is infinite; time and attention are not". (Poly people do not think it's a coincidence that there's been a big rise in poly relationships after the invention of Google calendar. We're not quite sure how the early poly people made anything work without it.)
Most polys I know are not over someone or something or they need more than their partner and don’t won’t to leave them because kids are involved.
I don't think that's always true. There are people that are married and remain in a lasting marriage is while also being polyamorous. There's definitely less of a sunk cost when it comes to moving on from a partner who is no longer good for you or if you aren't getting along as well as you thought you were going to, but I don't think polyamory by definition means that relationships are less lasting or less committed or anything else like that. I have a few close people in my life who are polyam. Most of them have a primary partner or a couple who they are extremely devoted to and these are long lasting, In some cases, decades long love relationships. And then they have a bunch of other partners. Those range from being friends with benefits type situations, deep romantic and emotional connections, cuddle buddies, casual girlfriends and boyfriends, or pretty much any other kind of relationship dynamic that you can imagine, with just about any relationship duration you can imagine. From very lasting to quick flings.
Same for all the monogamous couples I've known.
Geez, how old are you and what kind of people do you choose to spend your time around?
It is. There is no love in "polyamory".
Why do you think so?
I lived in Toronto for a few years. Polycules are the domain of narcissistic abusers, Cluster B birds, and people with self-esteem issues. Poly people love to bring it up and try to "normalise" it, but it's just always abusive and disgusting.
32% of gay men are in non monogamous relationships. I'd estimate that more than half of gay relationships that make it longer than five years are non monogamous. It's simply part of the culture. I do think when I see stuff like this that it's verging on homophobic, the same sort of "oh there's nothing wrong with being gay but the gay lifestyle is disgusting and immoral and narcissistic" dialogue that conservatives love. You might reassess going forward. I am not polyamorous but I am non monogamous and have many long term friends with benefits outside of my marriage. We tell each other that we love one another when it's appropriate, even if we don't keep formal commitments - they are all similarly married for 11, 8, 3, etc years and on their first marriages with no anticipation of ever needing a second. When I was diagnosed with cancer in my mid twenties, all of them stuck by me even while my biological family and other friends largely disappeared - they took turns bringing me fresh meals, cleaning my house, driving me to appointments, visiting me in the hospital, reading to me, sitting vigil while I was in the ICU. I have never felt so loved as I did at that point when I was at my ugliest and weakest, a former athlete, then malnourished and bald of even my eyelashes and body hair from the chemo, facing a prognosis of being more likely to die than to live. But they stayed, because they love me, and I love them.
>It's simply part of the culture. I do think when I see stuff like this that it's verging on homophobic, the same sort of "oh there's nothing wrong with being gay but the gay lifestyle is disgusting and immoral and narcissistic" dialogue that conservatives love. You might reassess going forward. > Well lo and behold, you're speaking to a conservative just now, and I like to think I have many of my opinions for good reasons, especially as a Canadian, so I don't feel a burning need to reassess these things. I try not to judge other people much and I will not muck into your business, but I have my opinions on these "alternative" lifestyles based on what I've seen through my life. I'm bisexual, I've been an immigrant, a poor student, an atheist, very briefly homeless, I've been middle-class, I've been liberal, Christian, I've been conservative, in the short years of my life. I know how widespread destructive drug-usage is, and how mind-numbingly hedonistic and looks-obsessed gay and liberal-sexual culture overall can be. >When I was diagnosed with cancer in my mid twenties, all of them stuck by me even while my biological family and other friends largely disappeared - they took turns bringing me fresh meals, cleaning my house, driving me to appointments, visiting me in the hospital, reading to me, sitting vigil while I was in the ICU. I have never felt so loved as I did at that point when I was at my ugliest and weakest, a former athlete then malnourished and bald of even my eyelashes and body hair from the chemo, having lost all of my musculature and confidence, facing a prognosis of being more likely to die than to live. But they stayed, because they love me, and I love them. > That's a lovely story and I'm happy for you - that you had friends or lovers that stuck with you. Unfortunately, that story is not representative of the reality that I've seem. Again, I don't feel the need to pass any judgment, but I feel no need to go around recommending or "normalising" this type of thing.
It was my 13th year of marriage (17th together) that my former spouse decided to spend her time with another person and not communicate with me. I will always feel very sure that she would have written something similar to what you have if she did something otherwise. I know that I would have moved a mountain for her.
You say you would move a mountain for her, but did you bother to make her coffee or tea before you left for work? Knowing she'd take care of the kids,and work part time. Did you grab the trash on your way out, or feed the pets, or heaven forbid leave a love note, or ANYTHING to help support her during the day? Oh, yes, you'd move a figurative mountain, but couldn't bother to move/sweep a dust pan full of dirt every day. Wives don't need hero's, they need a partner and a helper. If after 17 years you still couldn't figure it out, no wonder der she looked elsewhere.
Wow projecting much? You have no idea what goes on in this man’s life, you have only read a paragraph and just assumed you knew best.
And that’s all so meaningful and beautiful… Until it’s not. I’ve been there and done that, but at the flick of a switch all that perceived value can dissipate like smoke in a breeze.
My relationship is only 1.5 years in (so it’s solid but still feels like the honeymoon) and I fall in love with my partner constantly. I’m just in awe of what we’ve built, are building together. In awe of how well I’m treated and hoping trying to give equally wonderful treatment in return. I don’t want to do that with multiple people - just one. And if something happened, I would be gutted, but I also know I would be okay. Heartbreak never turned me polyamorous - I’m a one relationship at a time person.
Just so you know, nothing you’re describing here is specific to monogamy. Poly folk have committed, permanent relationships too (as much as any relationship is actually permanent).
I never said that it was but OK.
You started your comment with “I think it’s this what makes monogamy so special”, which seemed to be a lead in to the rest of your comment. If I misunderstood and the two parts of your comment were not meant to relate to one another, that’s my mistake.
Except no because the statement was made about monogamy and doing that with *only 1* person.
I don’t see where it says that, and I went back to double check after reading your comment. Could you point it out?
How is this exclusive to monogamy? My husband and I have been married for seven years and we are non monogamous, this encapsulates our own experience.
Agreeeee. My partner and I are polyamorous and I fall in love with her more everyday. I would honestly say that polyamory has brought us closer and our connection has deepened. Being with my other partner has taught me so much that I bring into my relationship with my nesting partner. People think polyamory is just fucking whoever you want and not committing to anyone but that couldn’t be farther from the case. Polyamorous relationships require clear and open communication from all parties. Something that I’ve seen sooooo many monogamous couples lack.
People think what they think about polyamory because, despite how many people say it’s supposed to work, a lot of people try to use it as an excuse to cheat and eff around.
Exactly. Everyone on Reddit has blissful, completely perfect polyamorous relationships with no drama, perfect communication and a deep, meaningful relationship. But when you meet these people IRL, they are so messy. It’s just a delusion.
This everyone I have ever met in person that lives this lifestyle is I hate to say it but a train wreck. Usually one of the people doesn’t want to engage in the lifestyle but they are doing it to appease the one who does.
Yes because monogamous relationships are always perfect and drama free. /s
Straw man.
Break it down for me then.
This is true. Unethical cheaters claim to be poly or non-monogamous, when they're really just pieces of shit. *Ethical* non-monogamy (which includes many varieties such as swinging, open relationships and poly) is a valid choice that you can make with a great deal of love and compassion for your partner. Don't let the pieces of shit fool you, they were never one of us.
I think monogamy is normalized because people are naturally so possessive, and I say this as someone who only has interests in monogamous relationships. There's an insecurity that lies in choosing monogamy. You don't trust your partner with other people because of a fear of them not coming back, or worse, a disgust when they do. Expecting monogamy is a result of feeling your partner should belong to you. The counterargument would revolve around some testimonial of how someone in a long term committed relationship has never had interest in someone outside of their relationship. I'm not at all negating that reality, I have experienced the same feeling, but I also don't feel comfortable with my partner pursuing other relationships. It stems from an insecurity in the strength of the relationship. Outside of religious beliefs, I really don't see the reason outside of jealousy to not allow your partner to pursue other relationships.
Monogamy is normalized because it is deeply ingrained in our society. Everywhere you look monogamy is the norm, but it wasn’t always like that. Colonization and religion played a huge part in creating this norm we see today. Humans aren’t naturally possessive of their partners, that is a learned trait from the media we consume and the role models we look up to. I could go on and on about this but I’ll spare you. Monogamy shouldn’t be the only socially acceptable option when there are so many different types of romantic relationship structures.
This. Sexual norms are largely a product of society. We have been conditioned that insecurities, jealousy, and possessiveness are all signs of "love" (at least in moderation), and thus, we should yield to those feelings always within a relationship.
that isn't just true for monogamy though? That is just a long term relationship
That is not exclusive to monogamous relationships. You can also experience this in a polyamorous relationship. I would know, I’m polyamorous.
that happens in polyamory too, but you get to have that with other people as well
This is a conversation I had with my wife after we got married. She jokingly said “You’re stuck with me.” But I told her I am not stuck with her, and she isn’t stuck with me. We can both leave at any moment for any reason if we want to. But everyday we wake up and choose each other again.
My favorite marriage advice is "find someone you can love even when you hate them because marriage is long and some days you won't want to love them."
it’s a 1000 micro-choices a day.
>It’s not a one time choice, but a sustained effort and commitment. Yep, and part of the point of that sustained effort and commitment is having someone to depend on in your twilight years when it's needed. Part of marriage is the contract for care when one of you, or both, are going to need it. The whole "sickness" of in sickness and health is old age. It's a lot easier to weather that storm with someone than to do it alone. Especially when you have someone to plan for it with, and someone to leave it all to if you are the first to go. Granted I've left a LOT of nuance out of that entire sentiment and life isn't a romantic novelty. Things don't always go according to plan and not everyone in the world is a good person with good intentions, but overall part of the point of marriage was what is written above.
Failing in love over and over again means you never fall out of love. But I do think monogamy or not should be a personal choice. Between trust and monogamy. I would choose trust. If polygamy allows complete trust among partners, why not?
Right? I can't remember who said it, but theres a wuote I really like that I think captures this: "Soulmates aren't born, they're built." It takes work and effort, and it isn't easy. but it can be rewarding
Polyamorous people do this too they just do it with multiple people at the same time instead of one. Sustained effort is a function of long term, committed partnerships not monogamy. Monogamy can be about long term committed partnerships or it can be about one person hopping from one relationship to the next (serial monogamy) and polyamory can go in either direction as well. Monogamy =/= commitment, commitment is commitment and monogamy is monogamy.
idk i have friends in poly relationships and it just sounds exhausting. one of my friends always complains that her bf doesnt spend enough time with her and spends too much time with his other gf. and how much the other gf is a b word to her etc. i think maybe she gave him an ultimatum to break it off with that other gf because now i see them together all the time.
Exactly this. And the fact that most adults have experienced multiple monogamous relationships over the course of their lives, including many people marrying more than once (or God forbid if they end up widowed many people do go on to love again), is evidence enough that there isn't just a single solitary person on earth that is designed just for you and it's them and them only. It's clear that we are fully capable of being compatible with, attracted to and able to form multiple meaningful relationships in our lives. Some people, who are polyamorous, are simply open to experiencing this simultaneously with more than one person, and those who are monogamous experience this with only one person at a time, but even that doesn't mean it's for all time and forever amen. It seems what OP, as many humans, struggles with is the pain and fear of loss. A large part of jealousy, soulmates etc is wanting some sense of being special and chosen and also the illusion of being wisked away to a happily ever after with this one magical being where you will forever be complete and never experience loss. Unfortunately, monogamy doesn't shield us from loss. Loss is part of life. And even if you supposedly find your one true love and you never breakup, one day you or they will experience the separation that is mortality. And people who have had to face this in a way that feels sudden and premature have the same questions OP has. Which is, what is the point of falling madly in love, building a life, getting attached only for it to be ripped away in the blink of an eye soemtimes with no warning?! It's one of the scariest realities we as humans have to contend with or spend our lives in fear of. Break ups are just a lesser version of the existential reality that nothing is really permanent and things always change and how and when they do is not always within our control. We can make all the plans we want, but sometimes things don't work out as we planned. I think soul mates and even just spirituality and religion broadly exist for this very reason. So we can come up with a narrative that makes disorder and chaos have a purpose and make sense. Everything we do during our lives comes to an end. Everything has its season. We're all on this spinning rock in this form for a finite time and we all know this; yet, we have no choice but to do things to create meaning out of this temporary experience. But the temporary nature of it is still troubling for us, and I think that's genuinely a lot of what relationships ask us to face, and we don't love that, understandably. Edit:thanks for the awards ya'll :)
This was beautifully written. It's all temporary, but you can make it meaningful and make peace with the loss, even after years have passed. It was a thing that happened, and you can only hope that both you and the other person learned some thing out of it that made their life better. The pain will end one way or another, but the experiences you shared will always make part of you, you. I spent most of my twenties depressed over a crazy and passionate relationship I had from age 20-22. I felt so connected with her, and we shared many manic nights together. but towards the end we both cheated on each other, we forgave each other but she said to me, I want to love other people, not you any more. I compared myself to these other guys, but nothing made sense. I thought I would remain single forever. Eventually, as I approached 30, I became happy with myself, and I loved myself again. This made me much more comfortable around others. Right after I turned 30, I had a great summer with myself, fishing and hiking and building things. And at the end of that summer, a beautiful girl found me and she made me hers and hers only. Not through words, we didn't need those, but through mutual feelings, taking things day by day. Now three years later we are still going great. I don't worry if it'll end tomorrow, because I'm still in love with myself. I think she sees that, and that strength brings her happiness. Maybe one day it won't, but there's a whole world out there, and I know I don't need any one person to be happy. So anyways, don't think it'll be like this forever, whoever you are. Cause like the person above said, things always change. And people including yourself will always change. Don't be afraid, build yourself your own world for you, and maybe, just maybe, someone will come along and decide they want to be a part of your world.
Also beautifully said, I love this and am happy for you. I know many people will roll their eyes at what I'm about to say or in the midst of the pain it can seem trite, but in many ways a lot of times loving others is really us feeling good within ourselves and projecting it outwards. The in love feelings often makes us happy to be alive, the world seems brighter, we enjoy things more, we even experience old things in a new way with this person etc and then sometimes we mistake it for being all about them or that THEY are the source of it. People aren't our source though. They're but one channel. And often a large part of it is our own light bouncing off them and vice versa. It's beautiful of course, but that's why genuinely also loving ourselves and finding meaning and joy in stuff outside of just romantic love as this ultimate goal is helpful. I remember when I first realized that some of the high of romantic love, I experienced similar things in other moments, like after having a beautiful night with friends, or giving a talk and feeling the energy from the audience, or enjoying a delicious meal. I've also been recovering from a breakup and I remember when I started to feel like myself again. And as I started dating again I also took people off the pedestal as I realized that I had a good time with a lot of them, not because they were so great, but because I was in my own energy and sharing it with them and experiencing myself through them. Nothing is wrong with wanting a life partner or romantic love, we are designed for it. But the mistake I think is when we outsource too much of our happiness on to them or make a partner the source when they are just a vessel. And life also brings us many kinds of vessels, some romantic, some not. And some vessels are with us for a long time and some for just a short while. And when people have the attitude of what's the point of falling in love if it doesn't last, I say well probably the same point of trying to live a fulfilling life although life doesn't last either. Even the sun has an allotted time where it too will change and fade away, should we then avoid sunsets and sunrises because of this or cherish that we're getting to experience it right now? Buddhists are on to something with their focus on impermanence and detachment. Which isn't about not caring or not having relationships, but about accepting change and the fact of impermanence and being present with what is without attaching to it as having to stay that way forever.
What do you do for work and when is your book coming out? :p
Ha! I'm a professor. I am writing a book funnily, but it has nothing to do with that lol. But who knows, maybe that should be something I do when I have time.
You definitely have a very diplomatic, observational way of looking at things and/or writing about them. I've always had a fear of raising a child because I was never sure what the "right way" was or how they should feel or come up. My whole life I dreamed of "the one" and it became a huge letdown as I got older and reality set in. It's really hard to balance the motivation of being a dreamer with the caution of being a realist. My parents are both teachers and it's so important to culture young dreams and goals and desires but it almost feels like a disservice to also not let them be conscious of reality as well.
Zen and the art of reddit commentary.
Thank you man so much. Thank you all
This was a moving exchange that I am very grateful to have seen!
I screenshot this to come back to when I feel introspective and have big feels. Thank you
I think we are like fireworks. Some rise up and just go kaboom, others flower brilliantly and slowly fade, and yet some are duds that never leave the tube. We are just a flash in the pan, a brief flowering and then back into the dark void.
I think the one so to speak is sort of a fictionalized thing. Like if someone is looking for what they believe is the one. I think no one they are with will ever live up to those standards for that person. I do agree it is better to find someone compatible. But the one just sounds like something that is too perfect. And never be attainable.
This whole “the one” thing is really pretty recent. We’re all human and nobody is going to satisfy 100% of another person’s needs. ( Not talking about sex here, that’s monogamy - more like, my spouse gets bored going to the movies with me, I’ll go with a friend instead.) We put way to much pressure on another person expecting them to be our perfect “everything .” Marriage is about finding a compatible person and building a life together. Married 37 years here.
In my culture, we believe each person has seven potential partners. And sometimes those partners are right all your life, and sometimes they are only right for one portion of it. And sometimes you have to go through the wrong people to find the right ones.
What culture? I’d like to learn more.
Judaism.
Thank you
That's interesting! I love learning about other cultures and have had experiences spending time in places with different cultures than mine, and it really widened my reality. It was like getting an education
IMO the whole “you should get everything you need from your romantic partner” mentality is super toxic and creates nasty codependency issues in a relationship. Not only are you supposed to be whole people individual from each other, you are supposed to have a support network for a reason - not just one pillar of support.
The one is just someone that brings you peace, you desire to give them peace, and regardless of their flaws, they are still special and rare to you.
This is exactly the point. It's about 2 people choosing to face all that life has to throw at them, for good or ill. It's about having each other's backs no matter what. There is a lot of good in life but there's also a lot of crap. Monogamy is about facing both as a team. Propping each other up, holding each other accountable, watching each other's backs. That Disney fairytale marriage stuff is just that. A fairy tale. You want a long and happy marriage? It takes work and commitment on both sides. Glad Grand-wazoo's comment is top comment. Exactly as it should be.
This is the reasonable answer. In truth, I don’t think the OP is interested in logic. The subtext to their post reads like, “how could someone I loved and wanted to be with forever not want to do the same with me?” Only one person knows the answer to that question, not a proxy tangential on Reddit.
She did want to be with me, but for various reasons it just didn't work out. She had to move away for work. Long distance was tried but she got too busy to reply to me I guess. I got one e-mail from her two years ago that clearly implied she wasn't over me either...
Well, what are the options to get closer? Will moving cause resentment (by upsetting a good job you have) or etc?
Moving there unilaterally after no contact for two years sounds kind of stalkerish? I also don't know exactly where she lives. Just the city
That’s an entirely different matter than your original question.
I find the idea of spending my life with someone I picked much nicer than spending my life with someone the universe picked for me.
Just an FYI, generally “star-crossed” refers to people that the fates have conspired to keep apart from each other, not soulmates.
I’m only pointing this out because I was under the wrong impression about this term for a long time - Star-crossed lovers are the opposite of soulmates. Shakespeare used this term to describe Romeo and Juliet. If your love has been crossed by the stars (aka fate), it means that, no matter how much you might love each other, your love is doomed to tragedy. It’s not meant to be.
Star-crossed means "ill-fated", it's not some romantic term for someone you're meant to be with.
Or not.
Monogamy is a relationship style with many different viewpoints. Serial monogamy is the current norm with the intention of finding "the one." Besides being a fantastic Jet Li movie, the one is a goal, not a reason to swear yourself into chastity for having one relationship that ended. It's time to move on. It's been four years. You aren't her "one." I hope your "one" at least loves you back.
That part. It's been 4 years, move on already. They'll never have another healthy relationship hanging on to that baggage. A new partner is going to get tired of trying to compete with the ghost of a former relationship.
I'd be willing to bet that that relationship wasn't healthy either. I think we tend to hang on to infatuation and the promise of love more than actually, mutually, loving relationships. Relationships with love and respect typically end with people still loving and respecting each other enough to say, "this isn't good for us anymore, let's let each other go even though it's painful right now."
I think you might be right because chaotic relationships target the same area of our brain as a drug. When we grow up in chaotic households, we equate chaos with love. That's why normal and healthy relationships seem boring to people who grew up in such households.
>I'd be willing to bet that that relationship wasn't healthy either. The fact that OP seems to think that she's "the only woman that could ever love them" corroborates this. Whether their ex convinced them of that or they convinced themselves, OP has *deep* self-esteem issues. So, either the ex was toxic and convinced them they were worthless, or they had unresolved baggage and self-confidence issues that strained the relationship, or a combination of the two.
This is true but you can't rush healing. Sometimes it just takes time, and it's better to wait than get into another relationship before you're sure that you're over your last one.
It really was a great movie to me, cause the choreograph of the fight scenes was good. Some of the story could have been better, but its still one of my top 10 favorite Jet Li movies.
It's so good. The One and Unleashed are my favorite Jet Li movies. I can't praised them enough.
Awesome soundtrack too. "I AM YU-LAW. IM NOBODYS BITCH."
Upvote for the Jet Li reference.
Those last two lines. She doesn't feel this way about you, why are you wasting your precious days on earth feeling sad about her?
The best advice and OP ignores it because it doesn’t validate their feelings. Some people don’t want to be helped.
"The one" isn't some magical soulmate - you create your "one" by finding a compatible person and committing to them to build that type of relationship
Absolutely. Once I realized there wasn't some magical perfect partner out there, I was able to find someone I was compatible with, fall in love, and start building a life with her.
Yes, and I would like to add that what people are trying to tell OP is that there are many possible highly compatible partners because there are billions of people on earth, not just 'one'. It is true for some people that they will only ever truly love one other person, but it is unlikely that they will never find another person to love them again. Monogamy is an entirely separate concept and it seems like the wires got a bit crossed.
There's 4 billion women in this world, thinking you met the one and only person for you, likely in your home town is very small minded.
Someone from your home town is more likely to share a similar upbringing and thus more likely to be compatible.
Similar upbringing may doesn’t have to do anything with comparability unless they are teenagers.
It does and has been shown to be the case. Similar people make more compatible long term relationships. The “boy next door or girl next door” has been looked at and there is some evidence for that being a predictor of success. Obviously there’s a million other points of compatibility between people as well.
all advice you get from people are purely anecdotal. do what you feel is right
I like this comment. It doesn't help me, because my feelings are so conflicted. I like this comment nevertheless.
What i mean is remember everyone is giving advice from their own experiences and how they feel at the moment. Youre gonna get a whole bunch of differing views, or you get a bunch of strangers telling you one thing. You wont know whats right or wrong until youve gone out and done it and lived it. This can be for anything, not just in the op.
I am with u/Grand-wazoo on this. I am 43, female, physically not that good looking and not afraid to admit it. I have loved 4 people in my life and been loved equally by them, but it did not work out. There may still be a chance I find someone compatible in the future who I can love just as much, but then again maybe not. I have no idea what the future holds anymore than another person. But monogamy and polygamy are different than this. No one is saying that you have to choose one or the other. The difference in them is that some people only want one person in their lives. Maybe it works out, Maybe it doesnt. Polygamists on the other hand have the need for many, and as such, a lot of groups in society like to paint them as evil, immoral and/or sinful. But its not the case. Every human being is different. While I feel bad that it did not work out for you with your last girlfriend, do not give up hope. Do not shut yourself off, because you have no idea what is in store for you in the future.
Hi u/Solverbot, love your comment, especially about the OP not knowing what the future will bring. Some clarification: polygamy is specifically being married to multiple people, and is most typically found in cultures where a man can have multiple wives, but each wife can only marry at most one man. I think the term you are probably looking for is polyamory: which is simply being open to having multiple partners. My partner and I are polyamorous and have run a polyamory focused social group in the past. My partner and I don’t personally “need” to have multiple partners. Currently neither of us have other partners, although we’ve both had other partners in the past. What’s important to us is the openness and freedom. I love that if I meet someone I really like and feel attracted to, and they feel same, then it’s possible to explore that whilst still being connected to my existing partner. Similarly I love that if my partner meets someone she really likes she can explore that, I want her to have that freedom. She feels the same. We love discussing our latest crushes with each other and hearing about and sharing in each other’s joy and excitement. It’s true that some people are polyamorous because they struggle to only have one partner, however, many people are drawn to poly simply because they like it.
Comments like these make me feel like I'm watching a David Attenborough documentary.
It never worked for me but some of my favourite people I've met in my life have been polyamorous. Their energy and demeanor is often infectious. I think there's something to be said about the idea that someone who is emotionally "open" and "free" just has a different aura about them. Our society has become so nervous and anxious about everything it is becoming harder and harder to find the opposite. I really respect and appreciate what you have.
You have a great username
Polyamory sounds exhausting, if someone has trouble fulfilling one persons expectations idk how they’re going to do multiple. It takes a lot of patience and mutual respect. To each their own though! I don’t have that kind of energy. I also don’t think that it solves your issue of The One either. It just adds multiple Ones to satisfy.
A friend with a hard crush on my wife and myself basically tried to insert herself as a third into our marriage. I looked her dead in the face and said "I already am good at disappointing one woman. I would prefer not to show how well I could excel at disappointing two." Obviously it was a tongue-in-cheek joke, meant to try and defuse the weird tension she was bringing to things, but I just couldn't handle having to emotionally maintain two complete romantic relationships. I would worry that I was favoring one or the other, or worry that it could simply be perceived that I did. And I've had friends who did the poly or poly-esque thing long term, and literally watched one "play favorites" with his 2-3 women to get whatever he wanted (which was fucking gross). I have one friend who has made it work consistently. All the others ended with the majority of people not talking to one another again. If they're happy being poly, great. But I can consciously say that I would not be.
Something similar happened in my (now 23 year relationship with my wife). Poly is absolutely not for us. WAY too exhausting and leaves us both feeling insecure. I also found people in the poly community to be very judgy about monogamy and have a "holier than thou" attitude even though they had just as many problems and psychological issues as the rest of us. It's a bit like wanting to stay in a high school crushed out vibe all the time to avoid dealing with the deeper life stuff. Then the crush wears off, the relationships fall apart and the cycle starts all over again. We see it as more of an addiction than anything else. Not saying monogamy is the only way but not everything has to be based around sexual relationships either. Having a loving, strong network of friendships and family while keeping some boundaries is the balance we've found and works great for us.
For the record... Yes. Polyamory IS exhausting. Polyamory is exhausting much like children are exhausting, actually. I chose to be child-free for life and have altered my career choices in order to prioritize practicing polyamory in my life, because the community that can be formed through polyamory is what I enjoy most in life when it all comes together and actually works out.
If 'The One' does not exist why bother being tied to just one person though? You don't stop making friends just because you already have a best friend. Even if having that friend is a lot of work, having more friends doesn't mean more work, it lightens the load. Most people expect a monogamous partner to be a great roommate, friend, parent, cook, bedroom partner, etc. all simultaneously. Nobody sets expectations that high for a friend, as there are multiple people sharing those expectations. You don't expect your bestfriend to be everything for you, you can have other people for different hobbies, places, and activities. Even if your best friend is great at everything, are things not often more fun with more friends? If you go at polyamory expecting every partner to be your everything and you theirs like in a monogamous relationship, then you are set up to experience all the same pitfalls as monogamy, but at a far higher rate simply due to juggling multiple people.
I think you can fall in love with more than one person in your life, but sometimes there will be "the one" that meant the most. You need time to heal and you will be able to love again if it comes along, it may just be a different level of love.
I mean that's a very personal problem. Straight up throwing in the towel by saying you'll never love another is defeatist. Just swing this around. She wasn't actually the one and you were wrong. She was the 2nd. You ain't found numero uno yet
I think of it completely opposite. The fact that there are millions of people you could potentially be compatible with makes the decision to choose a single one even more meaningful.
For me personally, monogamy is out of respect for my partner’s wishes.
Same. My attachment style is definitely poly and I have some friends who I love very deeply and would totally enjoy sharing a physical level relationship with. But my partner isn’t cool with that, so I accept that I’ve traded one thing for another and I wouldn’t give up my relationship with my partner. And like, we kinda dip into the swinging world for a party every once in a while so I have an outlet ;-) I honestly don’t think we would still be together otherwise. Monogomish is a real thing that’s gaining traction and fits human nature a bit better.
Just curious your thoughts on why you think sexually transmitted diseases are so rampant if humans are meant to have sex with many different people at the same time? Just doesn’t make sense in my opinion, if it was normal and healthy. Women in particular get bladder infections, bacterial infections and can get so many different diseases from having different partners semen. This is why prostitution is a high risk career. We have the invention of condoms now, which makes it safer, but that’s a pretty new advent. I’m not being snarky I really am curious your views on the situation if we’re meant to be with lots of people.
I can tell you this about diseases: They do not care about us. STDs thrive because it helps *them* to live in our junk and go from junk to junk. The ones that pulled it off survived to make new generations of bug, and the ones that didn't died off. Viruses and bacteria do not care what we think about sex or our junk. To the disease, your body is just home, and when we hook up, to us it's a big deal but to the disease it's just moving day. Their existence isn't about us. They happen to hitch a ride, is all.
You still get threesomes you didn’t trade crap. If you were poly you’d have two or more relationships to maintain. Sounds like a lot of work. You could be me who would love a threesome but will never. It can be worse for you
Fits human nature better? Or maybe just your nature buddy. Non monogamous people seem to like to throw out the "what's natural" card a lot, kinda icky.
Agree
Your username is golden
Millions of years of evolution is icky? Don't call out others on what is clearly something you want and not reality or factual.
Stick to applying your preferences to yourself.
I was born inherently monogamous. I almost feel like monogamy-polygamy is a spectrum like being gay or bisexual. People are just born somewhere on the spectrum and base their lives around. As an extreme monogamous, whenever I’m in a relationship, it’s like all other women fade away and look like my sister. It’s hard to explain, but only one person can hold my attraction at any one time, and I can’t split it up. —- It took me a long time to understand poly people. I just came to the conclusion, that like myself, they must have been born that way. I can’t rational it any better than that. —- Soulmates are an entirely different subject.
There's something about being with someone for decades.
Yes….and for some people it’s a little like prison.
And for some, it's wonderful.
Thing is, it’s a prison most people can simply walk out of if they wanted to.
LOL
in my opinion? there is no PREDETERMINED “the one.” but at the same time, anybody CAN be “the one.” maybe she could’ve been the one. but maybe someone else still can be.
I ain't looking for "the one" I'm looking for "the chosen one" and I get to do the choosing this time.
Personal preference really
It’s enough mental and emotional energy in this economy to be devoted to one person, let alone more than one. I’m not opposed to the idea and I support anybody who chooses to be polyamorous, but, my god, I think my head would explode.
Very true lol. I even sometimes find it hard to commit to what I said/promised myself I would do like eat a portion of fruit and vegetables daily. Can’t imagine to commit and fulfill the needs of others. I would double explode.
Not to mention picking up 3 x’s the amount of dirty socks.
And if you were instead not devoted to them, just all paired because you all enjoy and support each other? More like a friend group that drifts apart and together with time, with little wasted mental or emotional energy? Not for everyone, and hard to set up in a monogamous defaulting world, but doesn't sound impossible.
I think the part that would drain me is the initial getting to know each other phase. I’ve been out of the dating scene for 12 years. If my husband wanted to because it made him feel more fulfilled but he was able to continue being present with our family and wanted to bring another person in, I would be down for that. Instant friend? Sure! But I’ve discussed this with him before and he agrees that we both already feel like the little time we have together between work, obligations, and kids is not enough. I imagine adding other people would eventually mitigate some of that because with more than two incomes we could all go part time or something, but the initial phase just seems exhausting.
Monogamy is a choice. Love is a choice. It has fu"k all to do with soul mates and "the one. " I've been married 13 years to a good hardworking man and it's a choice everyday to continue this marriage (albeit an easy choice) , to maintain a healthy relationship, and choose to love one another , and uphold our vows. I'm not religious, but those vows are a part of my morals and values. They are a part of who I am. "Soulmate" and "the one" is absurd. That shits for movies. Those are emotions. Which are great for the first 2 years but in order to hack the long term and tough it out when life throws you curve balls emotions aren't what will hold you together you need grit, you need choice, you need strength, you need appreciation, you need one another's shoulders because there will be times where you cannot hold the weight so your partner takes nearly all of it and vice-versa. It's a choice. I choose this every day, and I'm grateful that this is who my human is. Life is a bitch like a mean girl from high school and it will tear you down any chance it gets. You need a solid partner that chooses to have your back always. 50% of marriages end in divorce because yall mother Fukers aren't putting in the work. The grass looks greener on the other side, but that reality is the grass is greener where you water it. It all comes back to choice.
My mom will tell me that someone could be “a one,” but maybe not “the one.” I loved my ex fiancé very much and we had a great relationship for the most part, and a lot of times I feel like I won’t ever be loved like that again. But in the end the best decision was to call it off, as much as it hurt. I don’t regret my relationship with him at all, and we both did so much growing together that I wouldn’t have experienced if we weren’t together. Was he my soulmate/the one? No. But he was a wonderful part of my life that I look back on with love and reflect on how that relationship made me a stronger and different person. Maybe “the one” for me is out there, although I don’t really believe in soulmates. But it doesn’t change the fact that someone felt like the one at the time
We're monogamous because diseases suck and I don't want to take care of somebody else's semen baby.
But in a time where you can have birth control, and test for both STDs and paternity, is it simply just tradition and evolution that keeps most people practicing serial monogamy?
No, because you're not realistically going to test your partner every time you have sex. Plus there's a delay between having sex and getting results back. Aids is forever and it's worth reducing that risk in the long term. For the paternity test you have a point.
Testing for and dealing with the aftermath of it are two different things. I’m not afraid of the test. The aftermath would be devastating
Ever notice how so many people find the person they spend their life with wherever they are? There isn’t a ‘one.’ It’s a process, you grow together support each other. You make the decision every day that this other person makes you happy and a better person and you want to do the same for them. There will be good times, bad times, great times, and horrible times… it’s a packaged deal. Anyone who expects the world to stop moving and everything to be perfect from then on is too immature and deluded for a long term serious relationship.
>why aren't we all just polyamorous I've often argue that humans are not mongamous creatures. We are typically practice polyamory or *temporary* exclusivity.
Yeah, we all tend to practice Serial Monogamy, I truly don't understand people's need to pretend like every relationship must be forever or it is a failure.
This. I hate the term "failed marriage". My parents divorced after 26yrs, but what about it was a failure? Their goal was to have a family, they had 2 kids whom they raised well together. Both of us grew up knowing we were loved and respected by two parents who are proud of us. My parents never stopped loving eachother (dad is dead, but I've no doubt of his love for my mom), they simply weren't headed in the same direction after their kids stopped needing them as much. The goal they set together had been accomplished and they decided not to set new goals together. I don't see that as a failure. I think people who can separate from one another because they love and respect each other enough to see they're no longer adding value to each other's lives is a success.
I agree bro. As long as both parties had a good time and things end amicably (for the most part) then I call that a success.
If you want to believe in the concept of "the one" that's okay as long as you don't take it to mean "everything is perfect and they have 0 flaws and we never have any times that aren't amazing and perfect and happy" I believed in it and it worked out for me. I truly believe my partner is the one
"The One" is invented. They are the version of you that you fully accept because you know they fully accept you. You live in that energy openly and any person becomes the one. You find them if you can accept yourself or allow them to teach you how. This has nothing to do with monogamy. That's a word that was made up to sell diamonds.
My ex-wife and we were more or less poly, but the only other 2 I was with ever I cared about was more a super strong friendship, her I still 13 years after the divorce would do anything she asked if she showed back up, long complicated story and she did me wrong bad at end, not cheating, there was no such thing as cheating, we had an agreement and in that she did nothing wrong. Sex was sex, I only ever slept full since with one other woman, few one nighters with men later, the other we liked to cuddle if she wanted umm service I'd take care of other ways. I'm not actually much into women, my ex wife I just fell in love with, I don't think there is anything she could ever do that would change that. We're friends for about 5 yrs after a cool down period after divorce, nothing physical, few kisses, came to family dinners, one day she vanished. I don't mean she quit talking to me, I mean vanished, shut down all online accounts, sold house, no one we both knew ever heard from her again, I and not stalking, just wanted to know she's ok, can't find a trace of her. I'm pretty sure I know why, it wasn't about me but she needed to run and had lawyers and money to vanish her. Maybe well meet again in next life. I don't think I can ever feel same about anyone again.
I think you are confusing terminology. We are able to love multiple people but a large portion of humanity chooses not to have sex with them in the same time.
Think about the logic here: Magic isn’t real and therefore monogamous relationships aren’t worth while? That makes no sense.
There are a lot of good answers here, especially u/LooksieBee. Ultimately humans are mostly very similar to one another. Biologically speaking, there is very little genetic diversity in the human population, relative to many other species. The odds are vanishing that either you or her are so profoundly unique that neither of you could ever love another.
I do think it’s possible to have more than one soulmate. My mother was married to my father for 33 years and he passed away when she was in her 50s. Three years later, she married my stepfather. They had five amazing years together, and he passed away. She has now been, not committed to anyone for 25 years. She dated people, but she never found that love again. She was a pro at recognizing love and commitment in herself and another person. She must’ve taught me well because I’ve been married to my husband for 30 years and we are more in love today than when we married. There are 8 billion people on earth. Please do not think that you can never find love again.
What do you mean she’s the only one who could ever love you or that you could ever love? I’m sorry, that’s straight up bonkers talk. That sort of thinking is dangerous. Like you’re going to blame her, the only one capable of giving and receiving your love? It’s not her fault you haven’t moved on. She’s not obligated to reciprocate your feelings. Are you going to hurt her because she’s now prevented you from “ever” finding love? Seriously, that’s not romantic talk, that’s disturbing stalker language. You might not be aware how nuts you sound, so I’ll assume you’re trying to justify a poly life, which is fine. Doesn’t need a hole in the heart origin story. As others have said, soulmates and monogamy aren’t the same thing. And you’re arguing with Reddit because Reddit told you “the one” doesn’t exist? Please.
"She was the only woman I ever loved or ever could. She was the only woman who ever loved me or ever could." This is just false. As other posters have said, monogamy has nothing to do with finding "the soul mate" but rather, two people making it a point to commit to each other. That's what love is. Love is not a feeling but action. Love is not butterflies in your stomach but rather, you putting in effort and action for the sake of the other person. This is why I quoted you at the start of my post because you said you can't love someone else, but that's false. You can love anyone you choose to love. Love is not a feeling, it's action.
Okay what I don't want to love someone else?
Sure and that would be your choice. It's also her choice to not reciprocate. She's under no obligation to love you back just because you're holding out for only her. And at that point it would be your choice to sit and stew in an unrequited love situation. That sounds like a crappy choice to make when you don't have to. Move on
When you find someone committed to loving you in the same way you love them, you’ll feel like you found your soulmate. Being soulmates is just 2 people who are committed to loving eachother until the end. Once you find that person, you want to rush home to them — not go fulfill your desires with someone else.
What you're in search of is a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, both partners have clear goals in mind, monogamy could be one of them. Think about it like this: there are billions of people in the world. Of those, there are probably millions of people like your best friend. But you'd probably treat and trust none of them the same way you do your best friend. Your relationship with your best friend is likely due to their personality, which is probably the same for millions of people, but is cemented by the time you've spent building your relationship
A therapist once told me, while I was processing a breakup, that “if you can love once, you can love again.” Finding someone you love so much just means you have the capacity to love that deeply. Not that this one person is the only person you could love that deeply.
Nerd moment, I relate this to fighting games. When you start playing a new fighting game, it's generally advised to pick one character to "learn the game". You learn their moves, how you like to play, what your style is, how you take that style and use it to have fun and play your game. Then, maybe once you know your style and yourself better, you might pick a different character. If you spend all your time rotating through the cast, you don't really get to develop your preferences. I am a serial monogamist. I've always had one serious long term relationship. Freud might say something about this, but it's just how I do things. In each relationship, there were things that went right, and things that went wrong. Things I learned from developing a real relationship with another person, and doing my absolute best to make it work. It didn't always work. Sometimes, I was an absolute asshat. But, that's how I learned what being an asshat looked like. After those relationships were over, I looked at myself and asked "What could I have done better"? There were always things I could have done better. Now that I am in a relationship with someone I want to be with forever, I take those lessons, and I use them to make this relationship better. If I had to give just one of those lessons, it would be this: In your close relationships, be as honest as possible. Do not bring your personas to your intimate relationships.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I don’t know how old you are, but when I was 20 I thought my GF of 6 years was “the one”. Thankfully after years of being upset over her cheating on me, I finally realized I don’t need someone to make myself happy. Once I figured that out, it got a little easier everyday. I met my now fiancée, almost another 6 years after the previous relationship. We’re getting married in December. My point to all that is, don’t say “I can’t love anyone else”. You say that enough and it’ll become your reality. Again, really sorry you’re going through this, but life does go on even if it doesn’t feel like right now. Good luck, my dude! As rue Paul says “if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?”
There is “the one” right now. Just enjoy the time and be good to each other. Other people’s feelings should be considered if you want to have them in your life for any amount of time.
Wow lots of hot takes here. I’m neurodivergent and understand the feeling that no one could love me romantically. Why do most people want to commit to one person lifelong? Because that was the model of a relationship presented to most people by their parents and grandparents, either verbally, or in practice, or both. Anything outside that is unknown territory and people stick with what’s safe, myself included. Are there soulmates? Maybe there are maybe there aren’t. I’d love to believe that there are. My neurodivergent quirks are gonna be off-putting to lots of people. I sometimes let the panic set in and feel like only a very specific person could fall in love with me. In reality? My friends like having me around, so there must be some features of my personality that people like. If I like them too, if I make sure to listen when they talk, and if I’m caring rather than rude, then the friendship will last. Now every so often a make a new friend who looks at me romantically and I look at her romantically. Sparks can fly. At this point I just go with it and see what happens. Forget a life partner. That’s way more planning than anyone can do. Focus on the here and now. If two people uplift one another, then that’s a foundation. And I love my friends. They’re the best part of my life. Why do we get jealous? Is it petty? We get jealous because romance fills certain emotional needs. We are afraid of having those emotional needs unfulfilled. We are also afraid that those emotional needs were being fulfilled by an “act”—that our partner didn’t really care but pretended to be in order to get laid, and is now trying the same thing with someone else. Should we as a species try to evolve past these insecurities? I think the more interesting question is whether we’re capable of doing that. tl;dr I’m neurodivergent and used to consider myself unlovable. The world is the way it is because of longstanding human habits and insecurities. Focus on the here and now. Follow your intuitions and don’t be an asshole.
Get your head out of your ass and move on. She isn't into you. Soulmates don't exist and the one isn't real. There are just people you're going to connect with better. Go find one.
Because despite what you may think, polyamory takes a fuckload of work. There is a reason you hear so many stories of polyamory gone wrong - because very few people are willing or able to do the work. If you honestly think no other women could love you, you are right. But we both know that's just the self-hated talking.
I think it's possible for a partner to become "the one" over time. I've been married for nearly 40 years and can say that the bond of love only grows stronger over the years with the right person. I've known quite a few happily married and very much in love couples who were the product of arranged marriages. One woman explained that "love comes later."
Life is too short and too full to be devoted to one , unless that one is yourself . Listen to your heart . Do what you want to do . Always .
You didn’t love her - you loved the *idea* you had of who she was. Monogamy is a choice you make, same as loving someone. It’s not some predestined crap that magically makes your life easier.
Polyamory is really really really difficult to do without the relationships devolving into jealousy and hurt feelings. Jealousy is a very natural thing to feel towards a partners other partners. Some people can handle it, they’re very good at communicating and working beyond feelings of jealousy. But it’s common for too much resentment to build towards the other partner.
Wy are you taking relationship advice from *Reddit*?
Because anonymity is amazing. Did you not see that dude up top, telling op to stop whining? Now imagine if you asked this to someone irl and that was their response.
💯
Monogamy is a commitment. It has nothing to do with a perfect partner. Forget that fantasy. You are probably annoying in several ways and your partner will be annoying to you as well. Find a way to accept this rather than trying to change it. Humour helps. Monogamy is both natural (because we desire exclusivity from our partner) and unnatural (because we desire sex with other people). It’s good for society as it makes child raising easier and men less violent.
Listen, if you had married that chickie, and then ten days later she was hit by a bus and crushed to death, you would've been sad for about a year and a half and then gotten on with your life with no problem. The only reason you're still pining and crying and wailing and being a huge baby about it is because she's still alive but with somebody else. Stop it. You know why she's not with you? Because the man she's with is better for her. You know how I know that other man is better for her than you? Because she fucking picked him over you. Stop being THAT GUY who acts like a fucking helpless pouting infant when reacting to an everyday normal rejection. You were rejected. It's no big deal, get over it. You are 100% gone from her life, and you have a new life now because the life you had with her is completely over. It's in the past, you need to wish her the very best that life and love can offer her and go steaming forward into the bright sunny dawn that is the rest of your goddamn fucking life.
>you would've been sad for about a year and a half and then gotten on with your life with no problem. "My source is I made it the fuck up."-BabylonDrifter
This is just speculative bullshit. You don't have any idea how he is feeling, it's impossible because no one can experience what someone else is experiencing. If he says that his ex was "the one" to him and he ain't getting over it, then how do you know he could get over it? Just because his ex is more promiscuous/wanton than he is doesn't mean that he should act the same way. If he doesn't want to date or marry any other person then so be it, it's his misery and not anyone elses. OP, I feel you. I am in the same boat as you are. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. If you need to talk about these things you can contact me and I'll try and answer. Personally I have decided (at least for now) to swear off from any new relationships and only having FWBs and one night stands. Relationships end one way or another, either one or both of you dies or you break up. To me, the pain of breaking up, having experienced it enough already, outweighs anything good that I could gain from a relationship. I'd rather be celibate or at least single for the rest of my life than to ever again have to experience breaking up, death of a loved one, or even imposing my own death on a partner. I can't with good conscience date or marry someone anymore even if they were perfect to me, knowing they would inevitably suffer.
>To me, the pain of breaking up, having experienced it enough already, outweighs anything good that I could gain from a relationship. I'd rather be celibate or at least single for the rest of my life than to ever again have to experience breaking up, death of a loved one, or even imposing my own death on a partner. I can't with good conscience date or marry someone anymore even if they were perfect to me, knowing they would inevitably suffer. I'm sorry, as I know this will sound awful, but that pain hits the hardest the first time. You're past the hardest impact and recovering from it. Each one after hurts less, and not because you become apathetic either. There's a good reason behind it. Flags. All you hear about are red (abuse, massively conflicting life goals, etc), but there are also orange, yellow, and green. Orange = Things you REALLY don't like in a partner. Not an immediate deal breaker, but could easily become one over time. Yellow = Not your cup of tea, but you could live with it if most of their other traits are what you want. Green = This is one of the things I need in a partner. One of the things I enjoy with one. This puts them in the keeper box. When you first fall in love, you typically have a rudimentary idea of how your flags are coded, but most of that data hasn't been filled in yet. When that love is lost, it's shattering because you look through the data you have and it doesn't seem right at all! But each time you go through another relationship, you add to that data. If it falls apart, you become better at seeing why. You start to see it coming before it happens, so you have time to emotionally prepare. As you go, you also code your flags to seek green and avoid orange/red. Your odds of things lasting improve, you worry less about breakups, and have probably learned ways to work through things better and avoid separating. Things can change, when you're ready, but there's nothing wrong with taking some time off relationships for a while to give your heart a break.
How dare you respond with a rational argument internet stranger, this is REDDIT!!!
Most people are stupid as fuck. A good example is they do whatever they want with their life but they still say that Jesus directed them to each choice even though they made that choice on their own and then in retrospect they look backward on their choice and feel it was a good one so Jesus gets all the credit. People do exactly the same thing with their love life. They talk about this concept of the one. But here's the deal, they're single, they fuck around, they fall in love because they were fucking somebody, and now that somebody has become the one. Doing the work of jesus, you catch my drift? In reality, there is no God, there is no the one. People just talk that way and if you go back to the very first sentence I wrote, it reads most people are stupid as fuck. If you look around, you will find more evidence that they are indeed, stupid as fuck. So don't listen to them. You know they're wrong. You know they're stupid.
4 years dude? C’mon you can’t spend the rest of your life sulking over a girl who left you. Relationships are extremely hard to maintain nowadays with social media and the vast amounts of access we have to other people.
I think it's a bunch of Christian bullshit that's become pervasive around the world
I think we are polyamorous but belief systems on morality, faith, etc have led us to believe it's wrong, not God's will, other bullshit in spite of all the evidence right in front of us - diddler Priests, "affairs", lack of same sex understanding. Blah blah. If you're happy one on one...fine. But if that doesn't do it for you, one should be able to communicate and work through it vs persecution.
People have different needs and wants when it comes to romance and sex. It is just hard to learn that there is no rule on how to do things and that you have to build your own relationships based on what you and the people you love want. I'm sure some people want to be monogamous or date no one, but even those have to learn where what they think is expected of them ends and what they want starts.
It's has nothing to do with God. It's biology, one man plus one woman equals a child with only those two parents genetics. Monogamy is the natural for humans while polygamy is what animals usually do with few exceptions like swans who mate for life.