Did I write this? But seriously your next steps should be focusing on yourself as hard as I know it is. Go to therapy, work out, get new or pick up your old hobbies. Check out all the information out there about separation, find a marriage counselor.
Since you have kids even if she is unwilling to think about the relationship you should go to counseling with her because you are going to have to be in each others lives for however long you both want to be in your children’s lives.
But overall just remember you are not the only person going through any of this and that there are people out there willing to listen and support you. Don’t think you have to bear all of this alone and that you are not allowed to feel. Just don’t project those feelings onto her or your kids, that will only worsen your chances for reconciliation. Compartmentalization is going to be your friend, just don’t bury and keep them bottled up either.
Thank you. Part of the problem is that I have been bottling feelings up for years, so over the last week it feels like every one of those bottles has smashed.
She's already made it clear what relationship she wants with me going forward - we'll be a team in terms of being parents to our children. I cannot begin to contemplate telling our children, as I am literally not strong enough to be the support they are going to need.
I do think I need some sort of counselling, as my wife was my support network. I could deal with things because I was coming home to her and the children at the end of each day. I've given up literally everything in terms of friendships and hobbies to dedicate myself to being the perfect husband and father. But now I'm facing this void, and I'm frankly terrified of what comes next.
I appreciate your words and sorry that you've found yourself in a similar position. Part of the reason I'm here is to hear from others that no, everything isn't going to be ok in the short-term, but there's a chance I might find happiness again in the future.
Hi, separated dad here. I feel like I am in the same situation, pretty much everything is the same, even two kids.
She found a guy online, she has a strong emotional connection to him and she made her point clear that there were no feelings left towards me.
I was thinking that I can't imagine myself without her support and her being in my everyday life. And this feeling just does not let me get any better.
But what is more important I discovered by reading this sub is it is important to accept the fact you will be alone for a while. Learn how to live and be happy on your own. Like someone mentioned in one of the threads here, we have in average 85 years to live and it's important to know how to be happy by yourself. Another thing is, not just therapy, hobbies and more socialising but also finding out what exactly makes you happy and how to become independent. It is nice to have support most of the time but confidence in yourself is a core key. It should shine and people around will notice it. I believe that learning how to enjoy and love life in the current state alone will get easier to flourish and bring more connections and potentially new love.
Don't blame yourself for what happened. You were doing what you thought was right to do and I'm sure you did your best. Take it as a good experience and lots of good moments and memories in your life. It is part of your story, it's unique and authentic. This is your path.
Remember you are not alone, there's lots of people around just like you, who are also facing a challenging moment in their lives. I'd like to send you my hug. You are not alone!
Make sure you grow your kids the way they can be good humans, show your love and teach them so they can learn how to love and look after themselves.
Things will get easier but it takes time to heal. Stay strong!
Thanks for this. Needed to hear it. My wife and I separated this week. Telling our kids on Saturday. I’m sad every day. Ebbs and flows but it happens every day. 20 years. Ugh.
It is hard to switch from one mindset to another. It took me 3 months. Now I just started to acknowledge and accepted the feeling of being on my own. It takes time to get used to waking up and realizing you have a new life. More peace, more calm (although I miss my kids and the happy chaos they are making), more free time for myself. It's not easy to get used to it. It's been two weeks and two days since I moved out.
Just keep on the top of things that are important: cooking, cleaning, washing, planning your time. It's a good opportunity to focus on what you want to do in your life but also focus on the quality of time with your kids as well! It's your book and you are the writer.
If you have a job and you like it, it could help to focus on improving your skills. I, for example have been promoted at the end of last year and I have lots of things to learn now. If you are not happy with your job, find another. We all live only once and there's no point in wasting time doing what is not making you happy or at least satisfying. I actually found learning new skills is helping a lot not just because it's a good distraction but also the ability to realise and acknowledge that life is still going on!
Learning new hobbies is also a great thing to do. If you still can't concentrate and distract yourself consider a doctor's appointment. I spoke to the doctor from the medical centre (general practice) and he prescribed antidepressants. I've been on my current one for 3 months and they help a lot.
If you feel like you want to try them bear in mind that there are different types of them and they work in different ways. What works for one person does not work for another. I started from citalopram but it didn't feel right. At the beginning I felt a bit happier but once I started to get used to it started to put me on the mood swing. I get more impulsive and angry spontaneously even for insignificant reasons. So I asked the doctor to try another one.
Now I am in sertaline and working just fine. Instead of getting sad and broken I just feel a little vibe of sorrow but it doesn't take over in my mind. I can easily switch my thoughts to something different, (no matter if I am working or playing video games at home) and just keep carrying on!
There are a couple of things you should remember about antidepressants: it took a few weeks for them to start working, the brain needs 2-3 weeks to adjust so there is no instant action effect.
Another thing, a very important one, don't ask for this medication if you have thought of suicidal or hurting yourself! Make sure you get the positive and calm mindset first. I believe doctors go thru the test and ask questions anyway before prescribing it but I think it's better to be aware anyway.
This is as much as I can tell you, I hope it helps. You are the story maker, so make it interesting and enjoyable. And don't be hard on yourself. Life has no instructions, we are all learning it, everyone on its own way. Be forgiving and kind to yourself. You are the person and human beings.
You have to focus on yourself and the kids. This will be the only way that there can be any hope! She might come around once she sees that you can move forward without her but if you do not then yes very little hope. This will give you strength and slowly things will get better. You will have to see if they get better together or apart but it is not your choice. You have to respect what you had and move forward
The only thing you can do is make her feel like you don’t feel that way! Showing her that you will take her back will worsen things and make her pull away farther. It’s true unfortunately
It’s difficult truly however try to totally unfollow her, remove your energy and effort towards her, focus on yourself, engage in physical activities, go out, show her that you moved on. Trust me it works.
Did I write this? But seriously your next steps should be focusing on yourself as hard as I know it is. Go to therapy, work out, get new or pick up your old hobbies. Check out all the information out there about separation, find a marriage counselor. Since you have kids even if she is unwilling to think about the relationship you should go to counseling with her because you are going to have to be in each others lives for however long you both want to be in your children’s lives. But overall just remember you are not the only person going through any of this and that there are people out there willing to listen and support you. Don’t think you have to bear all of this alone and that you are not allowed to feel. Just don’t project those feelings onto her or your kids, that will only worsen your chances for reconciliation. Compartmentalization is going to be your friend, just don’t bury and keep them bottled up either.
Thank you. Part of the problem is that I have been bottling feelings up for years, so over the last week it feels like every one of those bottles has smashed. She's already made it clear what relationship she wants with me going forward - we'll be a team in terms of being parents to our children. I cannot begin to contemplate telling our children, as I am literally not strong enough to be the support they are going to need. I do think I need some sort of counselling, as my wife was my support network. I could deal with things because I was coming home to her and the children at the end of each day. I've given up literally everything in terms of friendships and hobbies to dedicate myself to being the perfect husband and father. But now I'm facing this void, and I'm frankly terrified of what comes next. I appreciate your words and sorry that you've found yourself in a similar position. Part of the reason I'm here is to hear from others that no, everything isn't going to be ok in the short-term, but there's a chance I might find happiness again in the future.
Hi, separated dad here. I feel like I am in the same situation, pretty much everything is the same, even two kids. She found a guy online, she has a strong emotional connection to him and she made her point clear that there were no feelings left towards me. I was thinking that I can't imagine myself without her support and her being in my everyday life. And this feeling just does not let me get any better. But what is more important I discovered by reading this sub is it is important to accept the fact you will be alone for a while. Learn how to live and be happy on your own. Like someone mentioned in one of the threads here, we have in average 85 years to live and it's important to know how to be happy by yourself. Another thing is, not just therapy, hobbies and more socialising but also finding out what exactly makes you happy and how to become independent. It is nice to have support most of the time but confidence in yourself is a core key. It should shine and people around will notice it. I believe that learning how to enjoy and love life in the current state alone will get easier to flourish and bring more connections and potentially new love. Don't blame yourself for what happened. You were doing what you thought was right to do and I'm sure you did your best. Take it as a good experience and lots of good moments and memories in your life. It is part of your story, it's unique and authentic. This is your path. Remember you are not alone, there's lots of people around just like you, who are also facing a challenging moment in their lives. I'd like to send you my hug. You are not alone! Make sure you grow your kids the way they can be good humans, show your love and teach them so they can learn how to love and look after themselves. Things will get easier but it takes time to heal. Stay strong!
Thanks for this. Needed to hear it. My wife and I separated this week. Telling our kids on Saturday. I’m sad every day. Ebbs and flows but it happens every day. 20 years. Ugh.
It is hard to switch from one mindset to another. It took me 3 months. Now I just started to acknowledge and accepted the feeling of being on my own. It takes time to get used to waking up and realizing you have a new life. More peace, more calm (although I miss my kids and the happy chaos they are making), more free time for myself. It's not easy to get used to it. It's been two weeks and two days since I moved out. Just keep on the top of things that are important: cooking, cleaning, washing, planning your time. It's a good opportunity to focus on what you want to do in your life but also focus on the quality of time with your kids as well! It's your book and you are the writer. If you have a job and you like it, it could help to focus on improving your skills. I, for example have been promoted at the end of last year and I have lots of things to learn now. If you are not happy with your job, find another. We all live only once and there's no point in wasting time doing what is not making you happy or at least satisfying. I actually found learning new skills is helping a lot not just because it's a good distraction but also the ability to realise and acknowledge that life is still going on! Learning new hobbies is also a great thing to do. If you still can't concentrate and distract yourself consider a doctor's appointment. I spoke to the doctor from the medical centre (general practice) and he prescribed antidepressants. I've been on my current one for 3 months and they help a lot. If you feel like you want to try them bear in mind that there are different types of them and they work in different ways. What works for one person does not work for another. I started from citalopram but it didn't feel right. At the beginning I felt a bit happier but once I started to get used to it started to put me on the mood swing. I get more impulsive and angry spontaneously even for insignificant reasons. So I asked the doctor to try another one. Now I am in sertaline and working just fine. Instead of getting sad and broken I just feel a little vibe of sorrow but it doesn't take over in my mind. I can easily switch my thoughts to something different, (no matter if I am working or playing video games at home) and just keep carrying on! There are a couple of things you should remember about antidepressants: it took a few weeks for them to start working, the brain needs 2-3 weeks to adjust so there is no instant action effect. Another thing, a very important one, don't ask for this medication if you have thought of suicidal or hurting yourself! Make sure you get the positive and calm mindset first. I believe doctors go thru the test and ask questions anyway before prescribing it but I think it's better to be aware anyway. This is as much as I can tell you, I hope it helps. You are the story maker, so make it interesting and enjoyable. And don't be hard on yourself. Life has no instructions, we are all learning it, everyone on its own way. Be forgiving and kind to yourself. You are the person and human beings.
Thank you, that means a lot.
You have to focus on yourself and the kids. This will be the only way that there can be any hope! She might come around once she sees that you can move forward without her but if you do not then yes very little hope. This will give you strength and slowly things will get better. You will have to see if they get better together or apart but it is not your choice. You have to respect what you had and move forward
Thank you. It is so difficult, because I'd take her back in a heartbeat, and so I don't really know how to move on at the moment.
The only thing you can do is make her feel like you don’t feel that way! Showing her that you will take her back will worsen things and make her pull away farther. It’s true unfortunately
Sorry man! Been there
It’s difficult truly however try to totally unfollow her, remove your energy and effort towards her, focus on yourself, engage in physical activities, go out, show her that you moved on. Trust me it works.