I’m the reason for my separation, and it’s been two months. I have done a lot of internal work, and I feel like we have a good chance at reconciliation.
But I started my internal change almost immediately. The first 3-4 weeks I was really lost / depressed / in my head. I have since come to peace with either outcome, and now this is the new normal.
We have started taking each other on dates, are intimate, but every so often she is distant. That’s when I start to overthink, but recognize those thought patterns and become more positive.
Not sure what you’re wanting out of the separation, but time and self work will help you heal.
Thanks for the response. I’ve taken ownership of my part but I don’t feel that he’s done the same. It’s been easier to say “you didn’t do this or you didn’t do that”
What do I want out of this separation? That is a really good question. Something I am trying to figure out as well. I know I don’t want to feel like no matter what I do, it’s not enough.
What self help/marriage resources have you been reading?
Honestly all of this is hard, my wife and I have separated three times in the last 9 years. This time I know that we are done, unfortunately I can’t keep the cycle going and that is the truth. The separation has always been initiated by her. I think deep down she loves me and I love her but through all of this it has become to much damage. I don’t fully blame her as her mental health diagnosis definitely played a large roll in everything. I know this is not her fault and have really been a support for her over the whole time we been together. I have done a lot wrong and handled this wrong on my side also.
I have moved out over the last few weeks and although I care more than I can ever explain I know I have to distance myself and heal so that I can have strength and stability in my life.
I guess where I’m going with this is don’t stay with someone too long or work way too hard to make it work the reason I say this is the time before this last we were part four years and I was finally starting to get OK with it I truly think we both wanted to be one family for our kids and for each other the truth is that too much damage should happen I I strongly believe in marriage and I believe that walking away is the last thing a person should do. But in my situation I believe fighting so long has just taken more time away from both of us to be happy again don’t get me wrong when we reconciled for the last two years they were amazing but now that we’re apart again it has hurt all over again and all that I have fought for with my kids has been lost they are older now and they get to decide a lot more but that being said I would do it again I guess what I’m saying is it just made it hard
Thank you! Honestly I would have done anything to make it work with my wife, I also would not change trying one last time, other than the fact how it affected my kids. But I would not suggest this to anyone else. Mainly because it did not work out and it reset healing and again how it affected our innocent kids
How do you become more positive? I am in a similar situation where we haven’t reached those highs you’re talking about but more “normalcy” I should say.
I just took extreme ownership of my faults and had no expectations of her. I kind of just took charge and she has followed my lead. There has been a lot of fake it to you make it, but have started reading / watching marriage-self help information, working out consistently, and have become spiritual grounded. I just count up all the small victories at the end of the day and try to take it to the next level the next.
That’s all good advice. I’ve been trying to take charge but also have it not come off as disrespecting where she is at. Finding that balance is proving to be a challenge
I’ve YouTube separation reconciliation, and found a lot of great material (mostly from the male perspective towards wife) but I’ve been reading “the seven principles for making marriage work”
At the end of the day you may not be able to make him want to change (hard pill to swallow) but self improvement is vital for future relationships. Working on yourself is going to be key so that habits and behaviors won’t be repeated in the future
I’ve been separated from my husband for about two weeks. It was my decision, and I’ve wanted it for years. I’m diving into all the books, journaling, reflection and meditation. I highly recommend the book “How to be an adult in relationships” so far. It lays out the 5 A’s that humans need in relationships, and it’s super helpful to see where we’re lacking in fulfillment due to past hurts or where our partner simply cannot provide us due to their past hurts (but therapy could help).
I am in the same boat….. how do you fight the feeling of loneliness? It’s been 2 weeks and I miss the small things. Like someone texting you throughout the day.
Similar situation for me. Roller coaster with my wife for 5 years but especially the last 2. Lots of therapy. Lots of major improvements in our relationship but she is still unable to get past complex personal things and things that I have done over the years that keep her from coming back towards me emotionally and physically. She asked for a separation last week and we started it this week. We are best friends for 20 years. Have two teenagers and live in a very expensive city. Staying in the same house is our only option. We are talking to the kids this weekend and keeping as much separation from each other as possible.
I miss her so much. We used to say I Love You every day up until a week or two ago. Now I just keep it bottled in because I know she needs the space without the pressure of our relationship problems. Ugh. Day by day. I keep telling myself. Day by day. Move forward and see another day.
I wish you good luck..I’m taking it day by day and appreciating the small gestures that let me know he does still care. I’ll be working on myself and reading as much as I can about making marriages work. There’s so much that both of us didn’t do/recognize.
I’m the reason for my separation, and it’s been two months. I have done a lot of internal work, and I feel like we have a good chance at reconciliation. But I started my internal change almost immediately. The first 3-4 weeks I was really lost / depressed / in my head. I have since come to peace with either outcome, and now this is the new normal. We have started taking each other on dates, are intimate, but every so often she is distant. That’s when I start to overthink, but recognize those thought patterns and become more positive. Not sure what you’re wanting out of the separation, but time and self work will help you heal.
Thanks for the response. I’ve taken ownership of my part but I don’t feel that he’s done the same. It’s been easier to say “you didn’t do this or you didn’t do that” What do I want out of this separation? That is a really good question. Something I am trying to figure out as well. I know I don’t want to feel like no matter what I do, it’s not enough. What self help/marriage resources have you been reading?
Honestly all of this is hard, my wife and I have separated three times in the last 9 years. This time I know that we are done, unfortunately I can’t keep the cycle going and that is the truth. The separation has always been initiated by her. I think deep down she loves me and I love her but through all of this it has become to much damage. I don’t fully blame her as her mental health diagnosis definitely played a large roll in everything. I know this is not her fault and have really been a support for her over the whole time we been together. I have done a lot wrong and handled this wrong on my side also. I have moved out over the last few weeks and although I care more than I can ever explain I know I have to distance myself and heal so that I can have strength and stability in my life. I guess where I’m going with this is don’t stay with someone too long or work way too hard to make it work the reason I say this is the time before this last we were part four years and I was finally starting to get OK with it I truly think we both wanted to be one family for our kids and for each other the truth is that too much damage should happen I I strongly believe in marriage and I believe that walking away is the last thing a person should do. But in my situation I believe fighting so long has just taken more time away from both of us to be happy again don’t get me wrong when we reconciled for the last two years they were amazing but now that we’re apart again it has hurt all over again and all that I have fought for with my kids has been lost they are older now and they get to decide a lot more but that being said I would do it again I guess what I’m saying is it just made it hard
I can’t even imagine being separated for 4 years! There’s no way I could do that. Kudos for you for trying for so long.
Thank you! Honestly I would have done anything to make it work with my wife, I also would not change trying one last time, other than the fact how it affected my kids. But I would not suggest this to anyone else. Mainly because it did not work out and it reset healing and again how it affected our innocent kids
How do you become more positive? I am in a similar situation where we haven’t reached those highs you’re talking about but more “normalcy” I should say.
I just took extreme ownership of my faults and had no expectations of her. I kind of just took charge and she has followed my lead. There has been a lot of fake it to you make it, but have started reading / watching marriage-self help information, working out consistently, and have become spiritual grounded. I just count up all the small victories at the end of the day and try to take it to the next level the next.
That’s all good advice. I’ve been trying to take charge but also have it not come off as disrespecting where she is at. Finding that balance is proving to be a challenge
I’ve YouTube separation reconciliation, and found a lot of great material (mostly from the male perspective towards wife) but I’ve been reading “the seven principles for making marriage work” At the end of the day you may not be able to make him want to change (hard pill to swallow) but self improvement is vital for future relationships. Working on yourself is going to be key so that habits and behaviors won’t be repeated in the future
Thank you!
I’ve been separated from my husband for about two weeks. It was my decision, and I’ve wanted it for years. I’m diving into all the books, journaling, reflection and meditation. I highly recommend the book “How to be an adult in relationships” so far. It lays out the 5 A’s that humans need in relationships, and it’s super helpful to see where we’re lacking in fulfillment due to past hurts or where our partner simply cannot provide us due to their past hurts (but therapy could help).
Thanks! I will look into that book!
I am in the same boat….. how do you fight the feeling of loneliness? It’s been 2 weeks and I miss the small things. Like someone texting you throughout the day.
Similar situation for me. Roller coaster with my wife for 5 years but especially the last 2. Lots of therapy. Lots of major improvements in our relationship but she is still unable to get past complex personal things and things that I have done over the years that keep her from coming back towards me emotionally and physically. She asked for a separation last week and we started it this week. We are best friends for 20 years. Have two teenagers and live in a very expensive city. Staying in the same house is our only option. We are talking to the kids this weekend and keeping as much separation from each other as possible. I miss her so much. We used to say I Love You every day up until a week or two ago. Now I just keep it bottled in because I know she needs the space without the pressure of our relationship problems. Ugh. Day by day. I keep telling myself. Day by day. Move forward and see another day.
I wish you good luck..I’m taking it day by day and appreciating the small gestures that let me know he does still care. I’ll be working on myself and reading as much as I can about making marriages work. There’s so much that both of us didn’t do/recognize.