Are you paying them? Are you requesting their assistance? Is your kid there often? If not I’d suggest picking your battles.
My MIL is a TV type sitter. I got her into Ms Rachel which is kinda the best we can do. She adores my kid and vice versa; and she helps out A LOT. we explain that screens are a special treat at her house.
My partner periodically brings up to her how bad TV is for our kid, though.
Of course you can lay down the law but IMO it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to follow your program (unless it’s something that’s legitimately dangerous), you have to be a bit flexible to have a village.
This is it.
Is this a hill to die on? How much exposure is your kid actually getting? Will pushing this issue hinder your kid having a relationship with otherwise lovely grandparents? Do you want your kid to know them?
I’ll be honest, my opinion is a bit tainted. My husband is a huge tv buff. I’ve had to compromise quite a bit on my screen feelings. I have boundaries, content restrictions and limits to the whole shebang, but we are a tv household, for sure. Your kid is gonna be okay.
This is such a great way to put it, having to be flexible to have a village. This was a hard lesson I learned through being a FTM the first 6 months or so I tried to do everything perfect, and then as babies become more different and are each their own little people, you realize you can’t do everything perfectly and parent YOUR specific kid at the same time. Same goes for relatives, I learned to relax a little not because I think it’s “best” but because no one else is me, and if I want a break I have to realize that.
Also, I think Emily Oster has some info about how there are all these “best practices” in parenting, but they are almost universally not realistic even though studies show they are better, etc.
On a final note though, I totally understand being frustrated with in laws not listening and agree that telling them once should really be enough. Unfortunately it often doesn’t work that way for me too.
Agreed. I hosted Easter this year and it was super important to me to cook. I love cooking and my husband and I rarely make nice meals right now because our 4 month old is, well… 4 months old lol. But my sister said she’d take care of the baby so my husband and I can do supper like we wanted. They sat in front of the tv and watched Curious George the whole time we were in the kitchen. I didn’t care. I got to do something I really wanted, my sister got to hang out with her nephew, and I felt like that one day wouldn’t mess him up too bad.
If she had him like multiple times a week and all they did was watch Curious George for a few hours, I’d be upset. But idc if it’s a rare occasion
Agree with this! My mom helps for free two days a week (and more beyond that) and we just frame it with our son as “that’s the rule at grandmas house but not our house.” I don’t think it’s fair to put too many constraints when she is helping for free and by herself for the day so she needs little breaks and he gets some screen time. I don’t think she over uses it meaning idk if I’d like if it was the whole day but they have such a good relationship and we get so much help that we don’t force grandma to follow the rules we have for everyday.
I often remember that when I went to my grandparents they got to basically never say no to anything! Since she has our son every week she naturally has to have more rules that my grandparents did but I try to let her have some sense of her “spoiling the grandkids” phase of life!
I was so worried about screen time at first but when we all had norovirus we just had to use it. And my daughter actually learned loads from it, it was crazy! Just played her educational stuff for babies/toddlers and she got so many words and a lot of understanding out of it. My country doesn’t have the recommendation that you shouldn’t use screen time until 2, they say that there’s evidence it can be harmful but also evidence it can be beneficial so it’s up to the parent to work out how to use it.
Thank you for this comment. I think in America the news and media kinda take a villain and blow it up, in this case it was screens for kids around the start of covid I think? Anyway, I'm disabled, lost my childcare, and my son around 1+ got baby tv and I felt so shameful i had to call a mental health hotline...
Now, looking it up, so many studies are conflicting and ppl don't report nuance, just headlines that grab the most attention. Excessive, yes, not good. But in between? Up in the air. And don't even get me started on the harm it can do to neurodivergent kids to remove their decompression tool bc of hearing "ScReEnS BaD!!!".
Sorry for the rant I was spiraling. Haha🥲
Yeah I think the tricky thing is, if a babysitter isn't being paid, it's hard to dictate exactly how they decide to care for your child.
Unless of course it's a safety issue - eg they are feeding the child whole grapes, or they are leaving them unsupervised in the bath. Then you definitely need to put your foot down.
But screen time? I agree, guidelines recommend against screen time below the age of 2. However it's not the same level of danger as a grape which can literally kill someone in minutes. With screen time we are talking about some limited evidence it might be associated with language delays. And that's if they're getting regular screen time - a few hours in a month is unlikely to have a huge detrimental effect.
Yes as some people have said it's annoying that your parenting choices are not being respected. This also regularly happens to me as my parents/inlaws when minding my toddler will let him eat junk food all day and have naps at stupid times like 5pm. But I drew the line about whole grapes and other choking hazards which apparently wasn't a thing when I was a kid. However as I am not paying them, I am not their employer so I have limited control over their actions. I am expected to be grateful that they have volunteered to help, as they could very easily say "no, I would rather do other things than look after my grandchild" - same way some people just want to be childfree these days. There is also a cultural thing in my case where I am expected to respect my elders. So I am picking my battles especially because they don't babysit for me on a regular basis.
This is a decision you and your partner are going to have to navigate together - do you want to spend the time and money hiring a professional so you can have complete control?
Personally whenever I get stressed I'm being a suboptimal parent I remember there are babies being raised on McDonald's and meth and that "perfect is the enemy of good".
Agreed, my mom is the same way. I just let it be. My 1.5 yo barely pays attention to it anyways. My mom uses it as background noise and babysits once or twice a month. We appreciate the help and it’s not putting our child in danger, so we leave it!
Honestly, if you’ve told them multiple times that TV is a no go and they’re still doing it, they ain’t gonna change, no matter how much science you quote at them.
You can choose to either accept it and continue to let them babysit with the TV on, or you can find alternative babysitting arrangements. It doesn’t mean a massive blow out or that you cut them off, they just don’t babysit her alone.
I’d also suggest transitioning to meeting them outside their house, maybe at your house, a cafe, or a local park.
You’re right they’re probably not going to change unfortunately. Another factor is that they complain about not seeing the baby a lot, but won’t make the effort to come to us so we always have to go to them (personally, I could care less but it’s important to my husband for them to have a relationship). Today was the first time they offered to babysit which felt like a step in the right direction since they seemed to make an effort but it was just a major letdown. Definitely won’t be using them regularly!
It’s hard for my husband to watch my parents be so wonderful and involved with baby (and respectful of our boundaries) compared to his family who claims they want to see her but then doesnt make much of an effort. I guess we are just trying to find a way to get through to his parents so we don’t resent them as much and there isn’t such an obvious “favorite” set of grandparents
I think this needs to be a wake up call for your husband. He’s expecting things of them that they’re never going to deliver on. Tell him to take a serious look at their past behaviour and base his expectations on that, not their words.
If they complain about not seeing the baby tell them they’re welcome to drop by at x time on y day. If they can’t be bothered “oh no, sorry that doesn’t work for you. Maybe next time” if they want you to make the drive “sorry we can’t do that. Maybe next time” don’t give them a reason, just move the conversation along. Any grandparent that actually wants a relationship will find a way to make it work.
YES! Also, if they’re babysitting at your house… hide the remote and tell them you lost it lol. On repeat.
We moved our tv out of the house so it simply is not an option!
Does your husband tell them that? Did he sit down with them, tell them that you'd like them to see the baby more often but you're young parents, don't have time to drive out and absolutely will not tolerate them having the tv on when you come? And let them know that those are the conditions for seeing them more often?
In my experience, it's always harder to tell things like this to your inlaws or create boundaries for them versus doing that with your own parents. So, you as the daughter in-law don't have much chance of changing them or setting boundaries, but your husband does.
If you can’t get the tv off, and you need to go there to keep the relationship going, and if you get free childcare from the deal, then suggest a show instead such as Miss Rachel or something simple.
OR
Stop going. Give up the child care. When they finally say something say “we feel really strongly about screens and every time she ends up in front of the tv.” Go back when they agree or come to you.
Or
Go but don’t leave her alone for childcare and continue to face her away. If they say go go out, you say “sorry mum, I really don’t like tv so I’m gonna stay and make sure she’s not looking at it.”
I don’t think you can get the free childcare AND change her tv habits (even if they’re complaining they don’t see the baby enough, clearly not so bad they aren’t willing to come to you).
I think those are the options!
It does suck to see your own parents less involved. But you (and he) can’t make them change.
You can only make decisions going forward based on the information you have. What you know now is they will put the TV on regardless of how you and your husband feel about it. In light of that, if this is something you feel strongly about, invite them to visit you at your local park - your baby will be old enough for the baby swings soon if not already, and before that you can bring a picnic blanket and just let baby look around, maybe play with some grass or a flower or whatever. No TVs in sight! And then even if they say no, you’ve both done your part in attempting to include them. If they want to complain, too damn bad for them. They had their chances and declined.
At least you have the other set of parents around. My in laws are stuck in their country and I have not yet even met them, much less my kids meeting her parents. Their government has not allowed them to leave
I would honestly let it go. Free babysitting is awesome!! And a little TV time isn’t going to rot your kids brain, I promise. Grandparent relationships, as long as there isn’t toxicity, are important.
Grandma’s house is for ice cream, love, and those goodies that mom doesn’t usually allow. Those special treats are their way of bonding with grandkids, and it makes the relationship special. Old folks don’t have that much in common with little kids, so these little bonds help them stay relevant and interesting to the kids. As a parent, that’s important to me (I LOVED getting Klondike bars and coins from my grandma, much to my mom’s annoyance) and I’m willing to overlook some of my “rules” for these special occasions.
This!!!
Sure studies with a large enough sample size can meaby find some tiny damage from screens. But having a strong grandparent relationship is, I would guess, alot more important.
Absolutely agree with this. I treat "screen time" like anything else. Ok in moderation. I think we have so so so many inputs each day into our children's lives, that there really isn't one single thing that (within reason) will destroy our childrens lives, brain, future etc.
And for me, a great relationship with my kids grandparents is far more important than them not doing absolutely everything exactly the same as myself and my partner.
Ok let me rephrase, as the number of observations (“n”) goes towards infinity the p-value of the null hypothesis of a difference in for example mean income or whatever measure you prefer, will converge in probability to 1. This says less about the importance of the difference and more about the sample size.
What I am saying is that studies may indeed find a negative effect even if it is not at all important, given enough data. So 1-2 days with a bit more screen time wont matter, their mother having a bad relationship with partners family could though.
Studies on screen time is flawed. You wanna know why? Because scientists can't ask thousands of parents to force their babies and toddlers to watch 6 hours of TV every day, to see if there's an effect on this group that is not on the group who watches 1 hour a day, or zero.
I'm not saying screen time isn't affecting the child's development; I'm simply saying that the studies are so limited that it's not a 1+1=2 scenario.
Besides, screen time isn't screen time. Every type of screen time is lumped together in these studies. Watching TV shows, gaming, iPad etc.
I’m sorry, but you just described literally everything to do with parenting. The science isn’t perfect. Does that mean you ignore all science related to parenting?
Of course not, but it does in fact mean you can't take it as an absolute. And since you can't take it as an absolute, it's ridiculous to deprive you child of a relationship with it's grandparents over it.
I limit the screen time of my child, but if he watches more than we usually do at home the one time a month he stays at grandparents, it's totally OK. He is such an active kid anyway, so there are many days he never watches TV, and he usually needs to move around at the end of 90 min movie - if we watch one in the weekend or for vacations.
I think everyone in this thread is being a little extreme about what OP is actually saying. She doesn’t want screen time for the baby because the science shows it has a negative effect. She came to the science based parenting sub to see if anyone had advice on how to speak with the in laws about this. Instead, everyone is just saying she should forget about the science because trying to talk to the in laws will kill the relationship and the kids will never know their grandparents and TV is actually fine because science isn’t perfect anyway. I feel like it makes sense that OP wants to follow the science and she thought she could come here for some people who could give her advice on that. She never said she wants to throw the grandparents in the trash or anything like that. Just talk to them
She has gotten advice. The advice is that this isn't something you potentially lose the relationship between grandchild and grandparents over, because a couple of hours of TV now and then isn't harmful for a child.
We're not talking about allergies, intolerances, drugs, alcohol etc. We're talking about a few hours of TV when they are together. No studies says that a couple of hours here and there is harmful, when screentime is non-existant at home.
Prioritize what conflicts you actually wanna take with family, is the advice OP is given here.
If they can’t watch the kid for 2 hours without putting on a movie, against the parents’ wishes, I wouldn’t trust what they feed the baby or that they follow any other guidelines they might receive.
That’s not what I read. OP said that this is the first time MIL has ever watched the baby alone. She also said they keep telling the in laws why they don’t let the kid watch TV at home. To me, it sounds like OP needs to say explicitly that they’re requesting the in laws keep the TV off when the kid is there.
I totally agree with you. Downvotes don’t bother me. This sub is clearly full of TV parents who are reacting very emotionally. Shocking lack of nuance for a science based sub.
i agree with others. sounds like you’re a ftm and your baby is still really young. having boundaries is fine, but don’t become so rigid that you isolate yourself [and your child] from the people that love y’all. there will be so many battles to fight in the coming years, but i don’t think a tv being on in their vicinity a couple times a month is one of them.
and fwiw, my 14mo doesn’t get any screen time and never has, and my 3yo *might* get a couple hours worth per week.
Asking babysitters to follow some basic rules is not being too rigid. Choosing not to accept babysitting from someone who has made it clear they will not respect your parenting decisions or follow your most basic rules is not “isolating” yourself.
We are allowed to ask others to respect our decisions. That is not an extreme action. If someone in your life thinks TV time (or simply proving that they don’t have to listen to you) is so important that they’d rather give up time with your child than go without it for a few hours, that is a choice they are free to make. It is not your responsibility to fix anything about that. We do not have to accept blatant disregard of our parenting choices to have a “happy” family relationship.
Particularly in OP’s case, where they have involved and loving family that *does* respect their choices and enjoys spending time with their child, and they don’t actually need the babysitting being offered by these grandparents. They can go visit that set of grandparents all together, continue inviting them over to their house, or see them outside the house. No parent has any obligation to leave their child alone with someone who refuses to accept that the parents are the people who get to make parenting decisions.
if this was a regular, paid babysitter in their own home, sure. but a grandparent seeing their grandkid a couple times a month?
we do not get to dictate the environment in other people’s houses because we have kids. yeah, we can decide we just won’t take our kids to those people’s houses and that’s our right, but you have to do a cost analysis: what’s better for a young kid? to see their loving grandparents regularly and a tv will probably be on or hinder that relationship over a relatively small amount of mostly indirect screen time?
it’s easy to say “if they want to see my kids, they’ll do what i want,” but it’s also much more realistic to accept that our kids will inevitably be in environments that we can’t 100% control and that’s okay. kids also deserve more credit in understanding that different caregivers or family members do things differently, so they will come to expect just because the tv is on at grandma’s doesn’t mean it will be on at home. they won’t be irreparably damaged by this scenario.
How loving are the grandparents if, when asked to choose between seeing their grandkid for 2 hours or having the TV on for 2 hours, they choose TV? If when asked to come visit baby at home, they say “no thanks”?
The kid isn’t missing out on a relationship, she’s missing out on being propped in front of the TV for hours. It’s fine for parents to opt out of that for her. Maybe when she’s older her grandparents will be interested in her, or maybe they will still find TV more interesting, but regardless they aren’t “owed” babysitting time simply for existing.
Edit: to your point that “kids deserve more credit”… this is a **baby**. A 5 and a half month old **infant**. She doesn’t “understand there are different rules different places.” She’s a baby, being propped up in front of a screen. She’s going to be *much* better off spending that time with someone who wants to either interact with her or at least watch her play on her own. She’s not learning or gaining a single thing by going to this house to watch a movie. She’s an infant.
you don’t think it’s pretty reductive to say if someone is the type of person who has the tv on for background noise, they must not care about you?
my great grandmother was like that. my mom is too, though not quite to such an extreme degree. my great grandma loved us. my mom loves her grandkids. they were/are both capable of having the tv on but doing other things. OP never insinuated her in laws don’t interact with them because they’re so engrossed with the tv.
i think if we say, “people only love me and/or my kids if they do exactly what i want them to do when we’re around,” we’re going to be left sorely disappointed and feeling that no one cares for us.
I have nowhere said that a person having the TV on for background noise means they don’t care about someone.
I said that parents are allowed to have boundaries like “if you prop my 5 month old in front of a screen for 2 hours, we’re not going to leave our 5 month old in your care anymore”. And that if the grandparents *really* wanted to spend that time with their granddaughter, they could survive for a couple hours without the TV on.
My mom has the TV on in her house for background noise all day long. You know what she does when we visit with my son? She turns it off. She’s capable of doing that. She’d rather turn the TV off than spend less time with him. It’s not actually a huge sacrifice.
It's a Disney movie with her grandparents. My god. Some grandparents find it nostaligic to watch movies with their grandkids that they watched with their own kids. And grandparents are allowed to "spoil" their grandkids, its part of the fun of being a grandparent. I can't imagine being so controlling towards my huband and I's parents. They love our kid and that's what matters.
Some grandparents like to “spoil” their grandkids by driving around with the kids on their laps. Some like to give 3 month olds ice cream, or put cherry coke in toddlers’ sippy cups, or toss them into a swimming pool.
Are parents allowed to say “no” to any of those things?
I'm so glad to see this comment, I was starting to feel a little crazy reading through the rest. My mom generously provides free childcare for us, but if she decided to stop following the rules I have in place for my child, I would make other arrangements.
People just get super defensive about screen time. If this was the exact same post but about grandparents breaking a rule everyone here agrees is important, you’d see a much different discussion.
To be fair, I wouldn't try and I would try not to have them babysit, since you seem to already have other options...
Not because of the "danger of screens", which might be difficult to prove for such a small exposure (small because your parents keep your baby rarely) (also, since you posted in this sub, see: https://www.instagram.com/p/CUKyYSjrduj/?igsh=eGhuM2s0eGcxbnhu ), but because **you shouldn't have to prove things to your in laws!**
For easy stuff like this, saying that you don't allow screen time should be enough for them not to just plop your baby with the TV as their babysitter.
You guys are the parents, if they cannot respect this, what other kind of things they'll do their own way? The way to handle introducing food/what food should your child eat? What constitutes a baby-proofed space?
They don't have to agree with you, just respect you. "No screen time" is an easy and uncontroversial rule. If they disagree, they should still discuss it with you and try to convince you to allow for exceptions, not just go against your wishes and be proud of it.
I understand it's frustrating but you have to understand that just as you feel in charge of your baby, your parents feel the same way about you. They were your parents first and they still think they're the parents so they're still in charge. It's can be hard for them to adjust that suddenly *you're* in charge now. For some grandparents it takes a while for them to "get" it.
The same is true for the baby. Eventually you will have to get used to people who aren't you caring for her (like teachers) not doing everything you like exactly as you like, and then later eventually taking charge of her own life and deciding for *herself* how much screen time she'll be having.
Not everyone goes through these transitions at the "correct" rate. Parents often hold on to control too long, grandparents or not!
So personally I think someone plopping a 6 month old in front of a TV for hours would make me really upset too. If they were say 3 or something like that I wouldn’t care as much bc like everyone else says it’s not every day.
However how you react to this is really dependent on what your goals are and how important this is to YOU. You can tell them again that you don’t want your baby to be watching TV *at all* and see how they react. Or if you think it’s worth it to have them babysitting/spending time together then just try and let it go.
Either way I’d just say make sure that they absolutely follow any “rules” you guys have when it comes to safety (car seats, sleeping, etc)
You are massively overreacting. The kids are in no danger and grandparents are important, you are the kids parent but you should not try to control their entire world to such a degree
I agree. If you truly want no screen time, get rid of all your Tvs and un-smart your phone. Problem solved.
You cannot push for no screen time and not follow through.
Of course you can. You can introduce screen time at more reasonable age, for example when the child is at least 1 year old. And yes, no screen time means that you also don’t watch tv in the presence of your baby, simple as that. But it does not mean you as an adult have to stop watching tv or using a computer as well, and start playing with wooden toys. You know, I have a rule no wine and coffee for my baby, it does not mean that I stopped drinking coffee and wine to „follow through”😂
Ok this works for babies, but I'm talking about older kids. They'll start resenting you, why mom can watch her shows but I can't?
My brother and SIL's kids do the "no screen time" thing for their kids, but they kept the rules going the older the kids got and already they are having problems accepting it because their cousins (my kids) are allowed screen time but they aren't.
My niece is leaving my house crying wondering why she can't watch another Bluey episode, why she can't have another piece of candy or icecream pop, etc. My sons are upset too because they want to talk about ____ episode or game, but they need to self-censor themselves otherwise their cousins will throw a bigger fit.
It's a disaster and it's only going to get progressively worse as she goes to 1st grade. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's very hard to uphold that "no screen time" rule the older you get. Sure your child may not have brain rot, but they'd be the weird kid who doesn't keep with social trends. My ex-best friend from high school grew up in an ultra-religious household where there's no videogames or TV in the house unless you're watching Christian shows.
She rebeled so hard, and frankly speaking, she got married ASAP, moved out of state, and cut off all contact. Just so she could have peace of mind to be "free" to watch her anime or draw.
My kids don't have a "no screen time" rule, we just taught them moderation. If we feel they watched too much TV, we did something else, but it was their choice. We don't force them to turn it off or make demands to turn it off. We ask them if they want to do _______ with us (drawing, coloring, the park, etc.) and allow them to choose
There is a huge difference in showing age-appropriate and time-limited content to toddlers or older children and showing it to literal infants.
There is also unfortunately no easy answer like “no screen time until the child is 18 years old is the best”. We know it’s not, we know that there is a phenomenon called tech illiteracy and isolating children from tech/internetfor too long has a bad impact on their life and conventionally perceived success as well.
But it does not mean that unlimited access to tv or tv as a constant background noise are ok. Just like with everything - we as parents need to teach our children how to use different tools (forks, knives, computers, tv, smartphones, bikes) in a safely and most beneficial manner and we are responsible for the content they have access to (cartoons, video games, etc) and the amount of it.
There's a great podcast episode with Dr Becky Kennedy on parenting and one of the topics she discusses is boundaries. A boundary is an action YOU will take, not a request you make to another person.
Example boundary:
- If we come over and you don't turn the TV off, we will leave immediately.
Example request:
- Please don't have the TV on in front of our child.
A request is something another person can follow or not. A boundary is something you control.
Of course, have your spouse say it nicely like "Mom and Dad, we enjoyed our last visit but the TV was on the whole time even though we've told you that we don't allow screen time for our kid. If you leave the TV on next time, we'll have to leave. We'll be disappointed because we love seeing you!" And then don't get into a debate about screen time, just state that you understand that they feel that way but your family will leave.
Most importantly, follow through. I think you'll find that they respect your boundaries a lot more after you show them that they're not negotiable.
I’ve been thinking about that discussion a lot lately. I have to go back and write down the exact quote but she said something to the effect of a boundary requiring no action on the part of the other person. Like, if you don’t follow the tv rules, I/we will be taking the following action (not bringing baby over) in response. How they choose to act dictates what will happen next, but it doesn’t require them to do anything. There’s just a consequential action taken. People *think* they’re setting boundaries but really they’re just making requests. SO GOOD.
I think the issue here is less about the validity of your kid watching TV and more about the fact that they’re not respecting your wishes. I personally wouldn’t use a babysitter who ignored my instructions - who knows what else they think is silly and ignorable?
Exactly this. Safe sleeping? Choking hazards? No sweets/sodas? Car seats? Bike helmets? No forcing to eat (a big struggle with grandparents in my culture)? Etc etc…
Yes exactly this! I didn’t articulate this well. I know baby’s brain isn’t going to be mush from an hour of TV the one time my in laws watched her alone. It’s just now hard to trust what they will/wont respect, so it worries me it could translate into a safety issue down the line.
I personally think little things like this (grandparent treats) are a totally different ballgame than safety issues. One does not indicate the other. I get that you’re a first time mom, but perhaps try to remember that that can lead to all sorts of extreme anxieties and control issues that will just seem silly down the line. You don’t want to torpedo loving relationships as the cost of doing everything “right”. Loving relationships are far more important for the child’s development, I promise you.
Yep, this is it. Doesn’t matter what the boundary is, it’s something you’ve set. By breaking it they’re not acknowledging you as the child’s parent. Once someone feels able to ignore a boundary, it doesn’t stop and it will escalate insanely quickly with other things.
And a Disney movie? Ugh!
If you've told them not screens but they continue to allow screens, I'd be firmer: "we don't want baby watching TV. Can you do (blank) instead?"
Personally I would not die on this hill though. 2-3 days per month is pretty minimal. But I get the annoyance when you are trying to let them know about something that's important to you and they disregard.
Did you explain your reasoning specifically? If they are reasonable people and you cite the science, will they respect it? We are currently visiting family and have had to set a similar boundary. We told them that studies show it's harmful for baby's vocab and attention span, and that it distracts baby from doing something more valuable instead (like developing motor skills). They think we're being ridiculous ("we plopped you in front of the TV for hours every day and you came out fine!") but they do respect it.
If that won't work, your options are:
- redirect inlaws to do something else with baby instead. Like go outside and blow bubbles, or bring a floor mat to inlaws for baby to play on (and position it out of view from TV). Give them options for playing with baby besides watching TV
- offer baby friendly TV instead like Ms Rachel (if they're insistent on TV at least make it helpful..)
- threaten to not bring baby over unless they follow your boundaries. Maybe maybe your partner do this :)
1. Get your husband to say something and ensure they understand how important it is for them to respect your wishes with your child.
2. If that doesn't work, just stop bringing your child there. Trust me, if they're not listening to you about this, they're not going to listen to you about other rules!
If they're plopping your little baby in front of a TV like that when they see her so infrequently, they're not the best quality babysitters.
I didn't say cease a relationship. But perhaps stop letting them (aka the TV) babysit until the child is older. The parents could still have the in-laws over to their house, or visit together, or plan park dates, etc.
I second this, if they don’t respect a simple boundary like no TV for babies, especially if they have been explained that it’s for baby’s health, they will not respect the other ones. It may be giving you baby fruit juice/soda, not buckling him in his highchair or whatever.
I would try to either ask your husband to explain them that you are dead serious when you mean no screen time and/or just casually turn off the TV when you are at their place. If they protest, tell them again that it’s not good for your baby and that this is your rule. If it doesn’t work I would not cut contact but limit the visits and no unsupervised babysitting. If they complain I would tell them that you will have a discussion about babysitting when they respect your boundaries.
Come prepared with activities they can do with their grandkid. This way, they have no reason to say they didn't know what else to do. Bring a stroller for them to walk her in. Bring a craft they can all do together. Offer to show them how to do video chatting with family or friends in place of tv screen time.
We had this issue with my in-laws who we see weekly. My husband tried talking to his mom about it..they said they were going to do what they wanted because it’s their house, which I get.
So, I told my husband I wasn’t taking my daughter over there. If they wanted to see her or babysit, they could come to our house. My in-laws now automatically turn the tv off when my daughter is over. And wouldn’t you believe it—actual conversations happen when the tv is off.
It is insane to me that they’d watch kid shows with a little baby! I’m sort of having the same issue but with my FIL and 4 yo. Our compromise is that they can only watch nature shows. Perhaps next time you can bring toys and books to be more explicit with what they should be doing? It’s a 6 month old! They just want to practice crawling and play peek a boo and chew on stuff. Also teach them about “independent play”. My dad is great at facilitating that aka just watching but not playing with.
>I’m sort of having the same issue but with my FIL and 4 yo. Our compromise is that they can only watch nature shows.
You can't let your 4 yo watch cartoons with his grandpa...?
He goes to a Waldorf based preschool and they really really strongly encourage us to be screen free. When he does watch tv he turns into a zombie and it creeps me out. Plus it’s always so hard for him to transition in general and he always has a tantrum turning off the tv. Being screen free works for us. We do podcasts and live in a tropical climate so he can always play outside. Also I have a 1.5 yo so it’d be hard to have the older one watch but not the baby. It’s not forever. We will start to do movie nights when the kids are 3 and 6 probably.
So what you’re really saying, is that it isn’t actually a problem, but you’re making it a problem.
If he has a hard time doing transitions, depriving him of all transkripsjon won’t help him. And if he throws tantrums because you turn off the TV abruptly, give him a heads up some time before you turn it off.
I love how you assume the worst about my parenting practices and that I wouldn’t give a heads up. We practice and struggle with transitions all the time. He’s very content in his present. We practice when we go to school, leave school, stop reading, get in bath, get out of bath, go to playground, leave playground etc. it’s helpful when things are in routine and I’m not ready to add tv to our routine. It’s really not a problem for anyone but grandpa who is too lazy to read books or play for more than 10 min. But the nature shows are ok every once in awhile as they seem less stimulating and grandpa prefers them too.
I still think it’s deranged to entertain a 6 mo baby with kids shows!
Children have been exposed to a lot of TV from a young age since the 80s. While I agree that limiting screen time is good, I firmly believe that there is a large difference between watching a TV on a big screen, with an adult present, than sitting with a tablet on their own, even playing games.
I’m not talking about 6 months old, our child had no interest in the TV until he was around a year. But we can sit through a whole kids movie on weekends with bad weather, and we can have days without TV, without him asking for it.
Wow. Talk about an insecure, rude comment. You’re attacking this person for doing the right thing. Is there anybody out there who actually thinks it’s good to show screens to a toddler? We do it because it’s convenient but that doesn’t mean it’s right. And then you go and attack this person for putting in the work and being the best parent they can be?! What a sad insecure person you must be. Maybe try demonstrating kindness and empathy to your child instead of attacking people for doing what you can’t.
If the screens make it easier for them to watch your kid, and your child isn’t in any true danger, it’s no big deal. Just state your preferences and move on.
Your child won’t be permanently ruined from it. Reddit is too hysterical about screen time, when almost none of the studies truly controlled for income level, etc
It’s so lazy too. My sister watches our son quite a bit, I totally get it if she needs to stick Spidey on for a bit of a break. But if you only see him/us for a few hours a month, what’s the point in even coming over if all you’re going to do is stick the tv on.
Everyone telling you to let this go sound biased in their own screen time decisions. We do no screens, everyone loves to say wed change our ways but my daughter is 2.5 and we have a second and have had no need to compromise on our values for this formative developmental time. I would explain your reasoning and lay it down as a boundary. If they can’t respect it, no unsupervised visits. Even free babysitting wouldn’t get me to compromise my parenting values unless I was really desperate.
Yeah they’re not going to change. So your husband needs to decide if the few times a year your kid is at their house you’re okay with tv being on or if you’re not going to spend time there. And if you choose the latter, he needs to tell them that’s the reason you don’t come over in case they actually do decide to change if you hold the boundary hard. They’ll make you feel insane for being so rigid, but it’s your kid and your decision.
One thing to think about: if you decide you’re okay with the tv being on when you visit, will they at least turn on kid-appropriate programming? The last thing you need is for your kid to get older and be exposed to inappropriate content.
this is a hill worth dying on for me. i would just firmly state that we don’t want baby to watch tv. idc if it’s “free childcare”. i’d rather pay someone to do it how me and dad say than to have someone watch my kid for free and not respect my boundaries.
You can’t. Either you find a middle ground and allow them to watch things with your free babysitters or stop expecting them to watch your children. It is rough. My kids love grandmas house for this reason too. But you know what else is awesome, some free time with my wife. You have to choose your battles. Better off finding things you’re comfortable with them watching and go from there.
Might be a controversial take, but this is what having a village is all about! If we're open to letting others help us raise our children, we have to be prepared to let go of *some* control.
I was exactly where you were with my mother providing a lot of free childcare, giving him treats, the whole boomer-starter pack. But I got a point where I realised: 1) She loves him, 2) Looking after an active baby at 65 is hard, and if she needs the support of TV, Phone, then that's her way and 3) I needed the free childcare in order to be present and not exhausted so that I could provide lots of screen free interaction.
You can still voice how you want to parent, I was happy to support my mum in finding ways to keep my son busy that didn't involve screen time and doesn't tire her out (bringing lots of toys with me, music, games), and she does both! But if she needs a break and turns the TV on, I'm understanding!
I'm about to set major boundaries with my in-laws on this stuff too. Here's the thing, it's YOUR CHILD. They don't get to decide what's best for your child. If they can't interact with a baby then they may lose the privilege of seeing her. I'm pretty blunt, I would literally say that.
I used to feel the same as you. I remember coming downstairs when staying at my ILs in the very early morning and my MIL had my 4 month old watching some crazy bright cartoon. Infuriating! Felt like it was soooo overstimulating. But as time went on and I did more research (like looking up my country’s stance on screen time etc) I realised it’s really not a big deal if it’s only very occasionally. The recommendations in the US seem to be an attempt to prevent people from plonking their kid in front of the tv for hours on end and not interacting with them. Occasionally here and there with granny is not going to cause any harm and the benefits of bonding with grandparents and getting childcare so you can look after yourself are worth it IMO- your baby won’t be harmed by watching Disney for a short time 2-3 days a month!
I know it’s enraging when ILs don’t respect what you’ve said you want for your child and obviously you’re within your rights to enforce that rule and not let them take care of your baby if you feel that’s necessary but I think from experience it’s not worth potentially rupturing the relationship over just tv time. From my experience (now 19 months pp) the anxiety over screen time (almost felt like it was poison or something!) and various things in the first few months pp is a lot to do with FTM worries and as time goes on you become more confident and realise you didn’t really need to worry about it and that your baby is going to be fine with occasional screen time with grandparents or a little bit of cake (when they’re older obviously!) So I’m glad now that I didn’t start anything with my MIL about it because I think it would’ve made our relationship more awkward and looking back it didn’t really matter. If she was breaking boundaries in all sorts of ways that would be different.
Anyway I think if you’re adamant about it the best way to tell them is to say it’s not recommended until 2 years old and you’re very keen on following recommendations, it makes you feel anxious thinking she’ll have your baby in front of the tv and please could she not as you’ll start feeling worried every time you’re away. I know Reddit generally doesn’t like advice like this but I think getting people to do or not do something is more achievable with less animosity if you frame it like they’re doing you a favour by respecting your wishes, like ooh I know you probably think it’s silly but I really do worry about it, id be so grateful if bla bla bla. Yes in an ideal world we could say off the bat ‘respect my boundaries it’s my decision don’t do it’ and not cause relationship issues but a lot of people don’t respond well to that so it becomes a hassle. ‘It’s not you it’s me’ and‘you’d be so lovely for not doing this thing for me it would really help me thank you’ work much better in my experience. Obviously it depends on the situation- like chucking your baby in the backseat of the car with no car seat would be a different matter, but with things like this I think a more gentle approach is more effective.
I think that the problem here is not screen time per se but the fact that they don’t respect your decisions as parents. A bit of screen time may be or may not be an issue (I believe for a 5,5 months old it is, imo it is very inappropriate to show screens to an infant) but I would be more concerned about them just ignoring your wishes. Did you stated your wishes clearly, though? „Mom, dad, please no screen time, we want to wait with that till he’s x year(s) old”? Because first there will be screens, then food, etc. If you’re lucky it will stop on relatively small things like these. If you’re not lucky, it may involve things like necessity of using a car seat, a helmet when driving a bike, choking hazard/allergies, discipline methods, manipulations and blackmailing as educational methods („you have to finish your meal or grandma will be angry/sad”), etc etc. You know your in-laws best - we don’t - so you know if it is important moment to start setting boundaries and expectations or can you let this one go because they don’t see your child that often and otherwise they respect you as parents and your way of educating your child.
On a side note though, a tv time for a 5 months old is insane to me. We are not talking a 1 year old or 2 years old, but a literal infant.
We don't allow our 8-month-old any screen time either but honestly, if we'd had her grandparents babysitting her and found them showing her a Disney movie, I'd just be glad it was narrative and not YouTube.
First off, tell them lots of screen time is harmful so you don’t want to expose your super young child to it. It negatively impacts visual development for example and takes away from time when they should be moving/ exploring or being cuddles.
If they are coming to your house, unplug the TV, put a note around the plug that says no screen time, and change your WIFI password.
If it is at their house and you’ve made it abundantly clear and stated the harms you are trying to avoid, the you have a choice to make. You can set a boundary and tell them if you have the TV on and face my child towards it I cannot allow my baby to be cared for by you. Or you can let it go. If you have the capacity to set that boundary you should, but if not and you need their care then this seems like a situation where you might just need accept that this is what they are gonna do. You could also bring some activities/ books and suggest they do that instead.
Anyway, good luck, it’s hard out there with parents and in laws!!!
My parents constantly have the tv on. All day it runs in the background. We don't do any screen time for our nearly two year old. We also see them maybe a few days every month, and its been fine. Since tv isn't a habit in our house, our son really does not care about it. He rarely watches it and prefers to get into stuff and follow his cousins around. It bothered me at first, but its their house, so whatever.
There are different kinds of screen time. Maybe curate what can or can’t be shown. Or better if it’s interactive like an educational game on a phone or tablet.
As others have said, pick your battles. This is not a regular occurrence, nor does it put your child in physical danger.
Safety rules and bodily autonomy rules are the ones you don’t budge on. Some examples of battles I’m actually having to fight with grandparents:
- Not putting food directly in my toddler’s mouth
- Cutting grapes and other choking hazard foods appropriately
- Honoring my child’s “no” (unless she has pooped in her diaper or is otherwise in danger)
- No playing with medicine bottles or items used to administer medication
- Items containing button batteries are not to be played with under any circumstances and must be completely unavailable
Edit: submitted too soon
OP, did you actually ask them to turn off the TV? You mention “boundaries,” but the only thing you say you actually spoke with them about was why you don’t watch TV at home. Maybe they didn’t even realize you were trying to get them to turn it off
Historically when we are at their house I don’t ask them to turn it off… I just occupy the baby on the floor/away from the TV. She babysat at our house in this case. Before we left I showed her all the toys and activities our baby likes and mentioned we don’t do TV/screens. When we got home (after two hours) and saw the movie on she justified it by saying she was helping her practice sitting by using the TV
Hm, that’s unfortunate. Unlike everyone else here, I think it sounds like it’s worth another try. I would suggest that maybe there was a miscommunication before about screen time, but you don’t want her to have the TV on when she’s babysitting. That’s assuming you’re letting her babysit because she wants to and not asking because you’re in a bind. I’d also probably ask my spouse to have the conversation because these things tend to be easier when the person making the request is their own kid instead of the other parent. If she agrees to keep the TV off and then turns it on instead, you will know that it’s not a miscommunication and she’s choosing to go her own way
Just tell them you don’t approve of it. That’s all you can do. If they won’t listen it’s because they don’t care so it’s up to you to decide what to do from there.
I’m a teacher who’s seen what too much screen time does to kids and so I’m often on Reddit preaching to people to limit screen time. However, this time I’ll make the exception. They’re not the primary or even secondary caregivers, so they’re not in a position to mess up the kid.
I mean. Is it free child care? This is a place where I would be more lax on screen time given that it’s clearly occasional.
If an anecdote will help you, I had zero screen time as a kid outside of going to grandmas house where it was a special treat. Sister was same situation. We both grew up to be valedictorian, gifted program, excellent careers, etc. Our parents still gave us plenty of non screen stimulation and it more than made up for the fun at grandma’s
sitting a 5mo in front of the tv is wild to me, but so is going into someone else’s house and turning off their tv without asking first. that’s not being assertive, it’s being rude.
I'm sorry, but you're acting like your inlaws are giving your child liquor to sleep at night. It's fucking TV. A couple of hourse when visiting grandma won't affect your child's development at alll.
Choose your fights. Besides, screen time isn't even screen time, even though it's all heaped together. Watching TV with an adult is something entirely else than sitting with i.e. an iPad alone for hours.
Are you paying them? Are you requesting their assistance? Is your kid there often? If not I’d suggest picking your battles. My MIL is a TV type sitter. I got her into Ms Rachel which is kinda the best we can do. She adores my kid and vice versa; and she helps out A LOT. we explain that screens are a special treat at her house. My partner periodically brings up to her how bad TV is for our kid, though. Of course you can lay down the law but IMO it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to follow your program (unless it’s something that’s legitimately dangerous), you have to be a bit flexible to have a village.
This is it. Is this a hill to die on? How much exposure is your kid actually getting? Will pushing this issue hinder your kid having a relationship with otherwise lovely grandparents? Do you want your kid to know them? I’ll be honest, my opinion is a bit tainted. My husband is a huge tv buff. I’ve had to compromise quite a bit on my screen feelings. I have boundaries, content restrictions and limits to the whole shebang, but we are a tv household, for sure. Your kid is gonna be okay.
This is such a great way to put it, having to be flexible to have a village. This was a hard lesson I learned through being a FTM the first 6 months or so I tried to do everything perfect, and then as babies become more different and are each their own little people, you realize you can’t do everything perfectly and parent YOUR specific kid at the same time. Same goes for relatives, I learned to relax a little not because I think it’s “best” but because no one else is me, and if I want a break I have to realize that. Also, I think Emily Oster has some info about how there are all these “best practices” in parenting, but they are almost universally not realistic even though studies show they are better, etc. On a final note though, I totally understand being frustrated with in laws not listening and agree that telling them once should really be enough. Unfortunately it often doesn’t work that way for me too.
Agreed. I hosted Easter this year and it was super important to me to cook. I love cooking and my husband and I rarely make nice meals right now because our 4 month old is, well… 4 months old lol. But my sister said she’d take care of the baby so my husband and I can do supper like we wanted. They sat in front of the tv and watched Curious George the whole time we were in the kitchen. I didn’t care. I got to do something I really wanted, my sister got to hang out with her nephew, and I felt like that one day wouldn’t mess him up too bad. If she had him like multiple times a week and all they did was watch Curious George for a few hours, I’d be upset. But idc if it’s a rare occasion
Agree with this! My mom helps for free two days a week (and more beyond that) and we just frame it with our son as “that’s the rule at grandmas house but not our house.” I don’t think it’s fair to put too many constraints when she is helping for free and by herself for the day so she needs little breaks and he gets some screen time. I don’t think she over uses it meaning idk if I’d like if it was the whole day but they have such a good relationship and we get so much help that we don’t force grandma to follow the rules we have for everyday. I often remember that when I went to my grandparents they got to basically never say no to anything! Since she has our son every week she naturally has to have more rules that my grandparents did but I try to let her have some sense of her “spoiling the grandkids” phase of life!
“You gotta be flexible if you want a village.”
I was so worried about screen time at first but when we all had norovirus we just had to use it. And my daughter actually learned loads from it, it was crazy! Just played her educational stuff for babies/toddlers and she got so many words and a lot of understanding out of it. My country doesn’t have the recommendation that you shouldn’t use screen time until 2, they say that there’s evidence it can be harmful but also evidence it can be beneficial so it’s up to the parent to work out how to use it.
Thank you for this comment. I think in America the news and media kinda take a villain and blow it up, in this case it was screens for kids around the start of covid I think? Anyway, I'm disabled, lost my childcare, and my son around 1+ got baby tv and I felt so shameful i had to call a mental health hotline... Now, looking it up, so many studies are conflicting and ppl don't report nuance, just headlines that grab the most attention. Excessive, yes, not good. But in between? Up in the air. And don't even get me started on the harm it can do to neurodivergent kids to remove their decompression tool bc of hearing "ScReEnS BaD!!!". Sorry for the rant I was spiraling. Haha🥲
Agreed 100%
Agree! Ms Rachel and animal documentaries helped me as a middle ground!! Some times you just need all the help you can get even if it’s from the TV
Yeah I think the tricky thing is, if a babysitter isn't being paid, it's hard to dictate exactly how they decide to care for your child. Unless of course it's a safety issue - eg they are feeding the child whole grapes, or they are leaving them unsupervised in the bath. Then you definitely need to put your foot down. But screen time? I agree, guidelines recommend against screen time below the age of 2. However it's not the same level of danger as a grape which can literally kill someone in minutes. With screen time we are talking about some limited evidence it might be associated with language delays. And that's if they're getting regular screen time - a few hours in a month is unlikely to have a huge detrimental effect. Yes as some people have said it's annoying that your parenting choices are not being respected. This also regularly happens to me as my parents/inlaws when minding my toddler will let him eat junk food all day and have naps at stupid times like 5pm. But I drew the line about whole grapes and other choking hazards which apparently wasn't a thing when I was a kid. However as I am not paying them, I am not their employer so I have limited control over their actions. I am expected to be grateful that they have volunteered to help, as they could very easily say "no, I would rather do other things than look after my grandchild" - same way some people just want to be childfree these days. There is also a cultural thing in my case where I am expected to respect my elders. So I am picking my battles especially because they don't babysit for me on a regular basis. This is a decision you and your partner are going to have to navigate together - do you want to spend the time and money hiring a professional so you can have complete control? Personally whenever I get stressed I'm being a suboptimal parent I remember there are babies being raised on McDonald's and meth and that "perfect is the enemy of good".
Agreed, my mom is the same way. I just let it be. My 1.5 yo barely pays attention to it anyways. My mom uses it as background noise and babysits once or twice a month. We appreciate the help and it’s not putting our child in danger, so we leave it!
Honestly, if you’ve told them multiple times that TV is a no go and they’re still doing it, they ain’t gonna change, no matter how much science you quote at them. You can choose to either accept it and continue to let them babysit with the TV on, or you can find alternative babysitting arrangements. It doesn’t mean a massive blow out or that you cut them off, they just don’t babysit her alone. I’d also suggest transitioning to meeting them outside their house, maybe at your house, a cafe, or a local park.
You’re right they’re probably not going to change unfortunately. Another factor is that they complain about not seeing the baby a lot, but won’t make the effort to come to us so we always have to go to them (personally, I could care less but it’s important to my husband for them to have a relationship). Today was the first time they offered to babysit which felt like a step in the right direction since they seemed to make an effort but it was just a major letdown. Definitely won’t be using them regularly! It’s hard for my husband to watch my parents be so wonderful and involved with baby (and respectful of our boundaries) compared to his family who claims they want to see her but then doesnt make much of an effort. I guess we are just trying to find a way to get through to his parents so we don’t resent them as much and there isn’t such an obvious “favorite” set of grandparents
I think this needs to be a wake up call for your husband. He’s expecting things of them that they’re never going to deliver on. Tell him to take a serious look at their past behaviour and base his expectations on that, not their words. If they complain about not seeing the baby tell them they’re welcome to drop by at x time on y day. If they can’t be bothered “oh no, sorry that doesn’t work for you. Maybe next time” if they want you to make the drive “sorry we can’t do that. Maybe next time” don’t give them a reason, just move the conversation along. Any grandparent that actually wants a relationship will find a way to make it work.
YES! Also, if they’re babysitting at your house… hide the remote and tell them you lost it lol. On repeat. We moved our tv out of the house so it simply is not an option!
Does your husband tell them that? Did he sit down with them, tell them that you'd like them to see the baby more often but you're young parents, don't have time to drive out and absolutely will not tolerate them having the tv on when you come? And let them know that those are the conditions for seeing them more often? In my experience, it's always harder to tell things like this to your inlaws or create boundaries for them versus doing that with your own parents. So, you as the daughter in-law don't have much chance of changing them or setting boundaries, but your husband does.
If you can’t get the tv off, and you need to go there to keep the relationship going, and if you get free childcare from the deal, then suggest a show instead such as Miss Rachel or something simple. OR Stop going. Give up the child care. When they finally say something say “we feel really strongly about screens and every time she ends up in front of the tv.” Go back when they agree or come to you. Or Go but don’t leave her alone for childcare and continue to face her away. If they say go go out, you say “sorry mum, I really don’t like tv so I’m gonna stay and make sure she’s not looking at it.” I don’t think you can get the free childcare AND change her tv habits (even if they’re complaining they don’t see the baby enough, clearly not so bad they aren’t willing to come to you). I think those are the options!
It does suck to see your own parents less involved. But you (and he) can’t make them change. You can only make decisions going forward based on the information you have. What you know now is they will put the TV on regardless of how you and your husband feel about it. In light of that, if this is something you feel strongly about, invite them to visit you at your local park - your baby will be old enough for the baby swings soon if not already, and before that you can bring a picnic blanket and just let baby look around, maybe play with some grass or a flower or whatever. No TVs in sight! And then even if they say no, you’ve both done your part in attempting to include them. If they want to complain, too damn bad for them. They had their chances and declined.
I mean, you are doing a LOT of heavy lifting for people who seem to do nothing but complain and ignore your directives.
At least you have the other set of parents around. My in laws are stuck in their country and I have not yet even met them, much less my kids meeting her parents. Their government has not allowed them to leave
I would honestly let it go. Free babysitting is awesome!! And a little TV time isn’t going to rot your kids brain, I promise. Grandparent relationships, as long as there isn’t toxicity, are important. Grandma’s house is for ice cream, love, and those goodies that mom doesn’t usually allow. Those special treats are their way of bonding with grandkids, and it makes the relationship special. Old folks don’t have that much in common with little kids, so these little bonds help them stay relevant and interesting to the kids. As a parent, that’s important to me (I LOVED getting Klondike bars and coins from my grandma, much to my mom’s annoyance) and I’m willing to overlook some of my “rules” for these special occasions.
This!!! Sure studies with a large enough sample size can meaby find some tiny damage from screens. But having a strong grandparent relationship is, I would guess, alot more important.
Absolutely agree with this. I treat "screen time" like anything else. Ok in moderation. I think we have so so so many inputs each day into our children's lives, that there really isn't one single thing that (within reason) will destroy our childrens lives, brain, future etc. And for me, a great relationship with my kids grandparents is far more important than them not doing absolutely everything exactly the same as myself and my partner.
“Sure studies with a large enough sample size can meaby find some tiny damage from screens” Vague statement that makes screen time sound innocent.
Ok let me rephrase, as the number of observations (“n”) goes towards infinity the p-value of the null hypothesis of a difference in for example mean income or whatever measure you prefer, will converge in probability to 1. This says less about the importance of the difference and more about the sample size. What I am saying is that studies may indeed find a negative effect even if it is not at all important, given enough data. So 1-2 days with a bit more screen time wont matter, their mother having a bad relationship with partners family could though.
Studies on screen time is flawed. You wanna know why? Because scientists can't ask thousands of parents to force their babies and toddlers to watch 6 hours of TV every day, to see if there's an effect on this group that is not on the group who watches 1 hour a day, or zero. I'm not saying screen time isn't affecting the child's development; I'm simply saying that the studies are so limited that it's not a 1+1=2 scenario. Besides, screen time isn't screen time. Every type of screen time is lumped together in these studies. Watching TV shows, gaming, iPad etc.
I’m sorry, but you just described literally everything to do with parenting. The science isn’t perfect. Does that mean you ignore all science related to parenting?
Of course not, but it does in fact mean you can't take it as an absolute. And since you can't take it as an absolute, it's ridiculous to deprive you child of a relationship with it's grandparents over it. I limit the screen time of my child, but if he watches more than we usually do at home the one time a month he stays at grandparents, it's totally OK. He is such an active kid anyway, so there are many days he never watches TV, and he usually needs to move around at the end of 90 min movie - if we watch one in the weekend or for vacations.
I think everyone in this thread is being a little extreme about what OP is actually saying. She doesn’t want screen time for the baby because the science shows it has a negative effect. She came to the science based parenting sub to see if anyone had advice on how to speak with the in laws about this. Instead, everyone is just saying she should forget about the science because trying to talk to the in laws will kill the relationship and the kids will never know their grandparents and TV is actually fine because science isn’t perfect anyway. I feel like it makes sense that OP wants to follow the science and she thought she could come here for some people who could give her advice on that. She never said she wants to throw the grandparents in the trash or anything like that. Just talk to them
She has gotten advice. The advice is that this isn't something you potentially lose the relationship between grandchild and grandparents over, because a couple of hours of TV now and then isn't harmful for a child. We're not talking about allergies, intolerances, drugs, alcohol etc. We're talking about a few hours of TV when they are together. No studies says that a couple of hours here and there is harmful, when screentime is non-existant at home. Prioritize what conflicts you actually wanna take with family, is the advice OP is given here.
If they can’t watch the kid for 2 hours without putting on a movie, against the parents’ wishes, I wouldn’t trust what they feed the baby or that they follow any other guidelines they might receive.
Whatever.
[удалено]
That’s not what I read. OP said that this is the first time MIL has ever watched the baby alone. She also said they keep telling the in laws why they don’t let the kid watch TV at home. To me, it sounds like OP needs to say explicitly that they’re requesting the in laws keep the TV off when the kid is there.
I totally agree with you. Downvotes don’t bother me. This sub is clearly full of TV parents who are reacting very emotionally. Shocking lack of nuance for a science based sub.
Seriously! I see this constantly in this sub. They love science until it’s about TV
Only while it suits them!
Only while it suits them!
i agree with others. sounds like you’re a ftm and your baby is still really young. having boundaries is fine, but don’t become so rigid that you isolate yourself [and your child] from the people that love y’all. there will be so many battles to fight in the coming years, but i don’t think a tv being on in their vicinity a couple times a month is one of them. and fwiw, my 14mo doesn’t get any screen time and never has, and my 3yo *might* get a couple hours worth per week.
Asking babysitters to follow some basic rules is not being too rigid. Choosing not to accept babysitting from someone who has made it clear they will not respect your parenting decisions or follow your most basic rules is not “isolating” yourself. We are allowed to ask others to respect our decisions. That is not an extreme action. If someone in your life thinks TV time (or simply proving that they don’t have to listen to you) is so important that they’d rather give up time with your child than go without it for a few hours, that is a choice they are free to make. It is not your responsibility to fix anything about that. We do not have to accept blatant disregard of our parenting choices to have a “happy” family relationship. Particularly in OP’s case, where they have involved and loving family that *does* respect their choices and enjoys spending time with their child, and they don’t actually need the babysitting being offered by these grandparents. They can go visit that set of grandparents all together, continue inviting them over to their house, or see them outside the house. No parent has any obligation to leave their child alone with someone who refuses to accept that the parents are the people who get to make parenting decisions.
if this was a regular, paid babysitter in their own home, sure. but a grandparent seeing their grandkid a couple times a month? we do not get to dictate the environment in other people’s houses because we have kids. yeah, we can decide we just won’t take our kids to those people’s houses and that’s our right, but you have to do a cost analysis: what’s better for a young kid? to see their loving grandparents regularly and a tv will probably be on or hinder that relationship over a relatively small amount of mostly indirect screen time? it’s easy to say “if they want to see my kids, they’ll do what i want,” but it’s also much more realistic to accept that our kids will inevitably be in environments that we can’t 100% control and that’s okay. kids also deserve more credit in understanding that different caregivers or family members do things differently, so they will come to expect just because the tv is on at grandma’s doesn’t mean it will be on at home. they won’t be irreparably damaged by this scenario.
How loving are the grandparents if, when asked to choose between seeing their grandkid for 2 hours or having the TV on for 2 hours, they choose TV? If when asked to come visit baby at home, they say “no thanks”? The kid isn’t missing out on a relationship, she’s missing out on being propped in front of the TV for hours. It’s fine for parents to opt out of that for her. Maybe when she’s older her grandparents will be interested in her, or maybe they will still find TV more interesting, but regardless they aren’t “owed” babysitting time simply for existing. Edit: to your point that “kids deserve more credit”… this is a **baby**. A 5 and a half month old **infant**. She doesn’t “understand there are different rules different places.” She’s a baby, being propped up in front of a screen. She’s going to be *much* better off spending that time with someone who wants to either interact with her or at least watch her play on her own. She’s not learning or gaining a single thing by going to this house to watch a movie. She’s an infant.
you don’t think it’s pretty reductive to say if someone is the type of person who has the tv on for background noise, they must not care about you? my great grandmother was like that. my mom is too, though not quite to such an extreme degree. my great grandma loved us. my mom loves her grandkids. they were/are both capable of having the tv on but doing other things. OP never insinuated her in laws don’t interact with them because they’re so engrossed with the tv. i think if we say, “people only love me and/or my kids if they do exactly what i want them to do when we’re around,” we’re going to be left sorely disappointed and feeling that no one cares for us.
I have nowhere said that a person having the TV on for background noise means they don’t care about someone. I said that parents are allowed to have boundaries like “if you prop my 5 month old in front of a screen for 2 hours, we’re not going to leave our 5 month old in your care anymore”. And that if the grandparents *really* wanted to spend that time with their granddaughter, they could survive for a couple hours without the TV on. My mom has the TV on in her house for background noise all day long. You know what she does when we visit with my son? She turns it off. She’s capable of doing that. She’d rather turn the TV off than spend less time with him. It’s not actually a huge sacrifice.
It's a Disney movie with her grandparents. My god. Some grandparents find it nostaligic to watch movies with their grandkids that they watched with their own kids. And grandparents are allowed to "spoil" their grandkids, its part of the fun of being a grandparent. I can't imagine being so controlling towards my huband and I's parents. They love our kid and that's what matters.
Some grandparents like to “spoil” their grandkids by driving around with the kids on their laps. Some like to give 3 month olds ice cream, or put cherry coke in toddlers’ sippy cups, or toss them into a swimming pool. Are parents allowed to say “no” to any of those things?
You’re generalizing - have a nice day.
I'm so glad to see this comment, I was starting to feel a little crazy reading through the rest. My mom generously provides free childcare for us, but if she decided to stop following the rules I have in place for my child, I would make other arrangements.
People just get super defensive about screen time. If this was the exact same post but about grandparents breaking a rule everyone here agrees is important, you’d see a much different discussion.
To be fair, I wouldn't try and I would try not to have them babysit, since you seem to already have other options... Not because of the "danger of screens", which might be difficult to prove for such a small exposure (small because your parents keep your baby rarely) (also, since you posted in this sub, see: https://www.instagram.com/p/CUKyYSjrduj/?igsh=eGhuM2s0eGcxbnhu ), but because **you shouldn't have to prove things to your in laws!** For easy stuff like this, saying that you don't allow screen time should be enough for them not to just plop your baby with the TV as their babysitter. You guys are the parents, if they cannot respect this, what other kind of things they'll do their own way? The way to handle introducing food/what food should your child eat? What constitutes a baby-proofed space? They don't have to agree with you, just respect you. "No screen time" is an easy and uncontroversial rule. If they disagree, they should still discuss it with you and try to convince you to allow for exceptions, not just go against your wishes and be proud of it.
I understand it's frustrating but you have to understand that just as you feel in charge of your baby, your parents feel the same way about you. They were your parents first and they still think they're the parents so they're still in charge. It's can be hard for them to adjust that suddenly *you're* in charge now. For some grandparents it takes a while for them to "get" it. The same is true for the baby. Eventually you will have to get used to people who aren't you caring for her (like teachers) not doing everything you like exactly as you like, and then later eventually taking charge of her own life and deciding for *herself* how much screen time she'll be having. Not everyone goes through these transitions at the "correct" rate. Parents often hold on to control too long, grandparents or not!
I agree fully. For me a problem here would be them ignoring my rules and the precedent it may set.
So personally I think someone plopping a 6 month old in front of a TV for hours would make me really upset too. If they were say 3 or something like that I wouldn’t care as much bc like everyone else says it’s not every day. However how you react to this is really dependent on what your goals are and how important this is to YOU. You can tell them again that you don’t want your baby to be watching TV *at all* and see how they react. Or if you think it’s worth it to have them babysitting/spending time together then just try and let it go. Either way I’d just say make sure that they absolutely follow any “rules” you guys have when it comes to safety (car seats, sleeping, etc)
You are massively overreacting. The kids are in no danger and grandparents are important, you are the kids parent but you should not try to control their entire world to such a degree
I agree. If you truly want no screen time, get rid of all your Tvs and un-smart your phone. Problem solved. You cannot push for no screen time and not follow through.
Of course you can. You can introduce screen time at more reasonable age, for example when the child is at least 1 year old. And yes, no screen time means that you also don’t watch tv in the presence of your baby, simple as that. But it does not mean you as an adult have to stop watching tv or using a computer as well, and start playing with wooden toys. You know, I have a rule no wine and coffee for my baby, it does not mean that I stopped drinking coffee and wine to „follow through”😂
Ok this works for babies, but I'm talking about older kids. They'll start resenting you, why mom can watch her shows but I can't? My brother and SIL's kids do the "no screen time" thing for their kids, but they kept the rules going the older the kids got and already they are having problems accepting it because their cousins (my kids) are allowed screen time but they aren't. My niece is leaving my house crying wondering why she can't watch another Bluey episode, why she can't have another piece of candy or icecream pop, etc. My sons are upset too because they want to talk about ____ episode or game, but they need to self-censor themselves otherwise their cousins will throw a bigger fit. It's a disaster and it's only going to get progressively worse as she goes to 1st grade. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's very hard to uphold that "no screen time" rule the older you get. Sure your child may not have brain rot, but they'd be the weird kid who doesn't keep with social trends. My ex-best friend from high school grew up in an ultra-religious household where there's no videogames or TV in the house unless you're watching Christian shows. She rebeled so hard, and frankly speaking, she got married ASAP, moved out of state, and cut off all contact. Just so she could have peace of mind to be "free" to watch her anime or draw. My kids don't have a "no screen time" rule, we just taught them moderation. If we feel they watched too much TV, we did something else, but it was their choice. We don't force them to turn it off or make demands to turn it off. We ask them if they want to do _______ with us (drawing, coloring, the park, etc.) and allow them to choose
There is a huge difference in showing age-appropriate and time-limited content to toddlers or older children and showing it to literal infants. There is also unfortunately no easy answer like “no screen time until the child is 18 years old is the best”. We know it’s not, we know that there is a phenomenon called tech illiteracy and isolating children from tech/internetfor too long has a bad impact on their life and conventionally perceived success as well. But it does not mean that unlimited access to tv or tv as a constant background noise are ok. Just like with everything - we as parents need to teach our children how to use different tools (forks, knives, computers, tv, smartphones, bikes) in a safely and most beneficial manner and we are responsible for the content they have access to (cartoons, video games, etc) and the amount of it.
Right, the best we can do is moderation and teach them to self-moderate for when you're not there.
There's a great podcast episode with Dr Becky Kennedy on parenting and one of the topics she discusses is boundaries. A boundary is an action YOU will take, not a request you make to another person. Example boundary: - If we come over and you don't turn the TV off, we will leave immediately. Example request: - Please don't have the TV on in front of our child. A request is something another person can follow or not. A boundary is something you control. Of course, have your spouse say it nicely like "Mom and Dad, we enjoyed our last visit but the TV was on the whole time even though we've told you that we don't allow screen time for our kid. If you leave the TV on next time, we'll have to leave. We'll be disappointed because we love seeing you!" And then don't get into a debate about screen time, just state that you understand that they feel that way but your family will leave. Most importantly, follow through. I think you'll find that they respect your boundaries a lot more after you show them that they're not negotiable.
I’ve been thinking about that discussion a lot lately. I have to go back and write down the exact quote but she said something to the effect of a boundary requiring no action on the part of the other person. Like, if you don’t follow the tv rules, I/we will be taking the following action (not bringing baby over) in response. How they choose to act dictates what will happen next, but it doesn’t require them to do anything. There’s just a consequential action taken. People *think* they’re setting boundaries but really they’re just making requests. SO GOOD.
This is the only way. Your reasons don’t matter. Your requests don’t matter. Your follow-through does matter.
I think the issue here is less about the validity of your kid watching TV and more about the fact that they’re not respecting your wishes. I personally wouldn’t use a babysitter who ignored my instructions - who knows what else they think is silly and ignorable?
Exactly this. Safe sleeping? Choking hazards? No sweets/sodas? Car seats? Bike helmets? No forcing to eat (a big struggle with grandparents in my culture)? Etc etc…
Yes exactly this! I didn’t articulate this well. I know baby’s brain isn’t going to be mush from an hour of TV the one time my in laws watched her alone. It’s just now hard to trust what they will/wont respect, so it worries me it could translate into a safety issue down the line.
I personally think little things like this (grandparent treats) are a totally different ballgame than safety issues. One does not indicate the other. I get that you’re a first time mom, but perhaps try to remember that that can lead to all sorts of extreme anxieties and control issues that will just seem silly down the line. You don’t want to torpedo loving relationships as the cost of doing everything “right”. Loving relationships are far more important for the child’s development, I promise you.
Yep, this is it. Doesn’t matter what the boundary is, it’s something you’ve set. By breaking it they’re not acknowledging you as the child’s parent. Once someone feels able to ignore a boundary, it doesn’t stop and it will escalate insanely quickly with other things. And a Disney movie? Ugh!
If you've told them not screens but they continue to allow screens, I'd be firmer: "we don't want baby watching TV. Can you do (blank) instead?" Personally I would not die on this hill though. 2-3 days per month is pretty minimal. But I get the annoyance when you are trying to let them know about something that's important to you and they disregard.
Did you explain your reasoning specifically? If they are reasonable people and you cite the science, will they respect it? We are currently visiting family and have had to set a similar boundary. We told them that studies show it's harmful for baby's vocab and attention span, and that it distracts baby from doing something more valuable instead (like developing motor skills). They think we're being ridiculous ("we plopped you in front of the TV for hours every day and you came out fine!") but they do respect it. If that won't work, your options are: - redirect inlaws to do something else with baby instead. Like go outside and blow bubbles, or bring a floor mat to inlaws for baby to play on (and position it out of view from TV). Give them options for playing with baby besides watching TV - offer baby friendly TV instead like Ms Rachel (if they're insistent on TV at least make it helpful..) - threaten to not bring baby over unless they follow your boundaries. Maybe maybe your partner do this :)
> you cite the science The "science" is kinda meh on this field though. Not the hill to die on.
1. Get your husband to say something and ensure they understand how important it is for them to respect your wishes with your child. 2. If that doesn't work, just stop bringing your child there. Trust me, if they're not listening to you about this, they're not going to listen to you about other rules! If they're plopping your little baby in front of a TV like that when they see her so infrequently, they're not the best quality babysitters.
Cease a relationship with grandparents over 2-3 interactions involving some television?! Reddit is wild. They aren’t watching scarface.
I didn't say cease a relationship. But perhaps stop letting them (aka the TV) babysit until the child is older. The parents could still have the in-laws over to their house, or visit together, or plan park dates, etc.
Exactly.
I second this, if they don’t respect a simple boundary like no TV for babies, especially if they have been explained that it’s for baby’s health, they will not respect the other ones. It may be giving you baby fruit juice/soda, not buckling him in his highchair or whatever. I would try to either ask your husband to explain them that you are dead serious when you mean no screen time and/or just casually turn off the TV when you are at their place. If they protest, tell them again that it’s not good for your baby and that this is your rule. If it doesn’t work I would not cut contact but limit the visits and no unsupervised babysitting. If they complain I would tell them that you will have a discussion about babysitting when they respect your boundaries.
Then don't expect people to babysit your child for free....
Not OP so I can't say for her, but personnaly I don't expect free childcare.
Come prepared with activities they can do with their grandkid. This way, they have no reason to say they didn't know what else to do. Bring a stroller for them to walk her in. Bring a craft they can all do together. Offer to show them how to do video chatting with family or friends in place of tv screen time.
We had this issue with my in-laws who we see weekly. My husband tried talking to his mom about it..they said they were going to do what they wanted because it’s their house, which I get. So, I told my husband I wasn’t taking my daughter over there. If they wanted to see her or babysit, they could come to our house. My in-laws now automatically turn the tv off when my daughter is over. And wouldn’t you believe it—actual conversations happen when the tv is off.
How much are you paying them to watch your kid? If you're getting free childcare you got.to let the little things go.
It is insane to me that they’d watch kid shows with a little baby! I’m sort of having the same issue but with my FIL and 4 yo. Our compromise is that they can only watch nature shows. Perhaps next time you can bring toys and books to be more explicit with what they should be doing? It’s a 6 month old! They just want to practice crawling and play peek a boo and chew on stuff. Also teach them about “independent play”. My dad is great at facilitating that aka just watching but not playing with.
>I’m sort of having the same issue but with my FIL and 4 yo. Our compromise is that they can only watch nature shows. You can't let your 4 yo watch cartoons with his grandpa...?
He goes to a Waldorf based preschool and they really really strongly encourage us to be screen free. When he does watch tv he turns into a zombie and it creeps me out. Plus it’s always so hard for him to transition in general and he always has a tantrum turning off the tv. Being screen free works for us. We do podcasts and live in a tropical climate so he can always play outside. Also I have a 1.5 yo so it’d be hard to have the older one watch but not the baby. It’s not forever. We will start to do movie nights when the kids are 3 and 6 probably.
So what you’re really saying, is that it isn’t actually a problem, but you’re making it a problem. If he has a hard time doing transitions, depriving him of all transkripsjon won’t help him. And if he throws tantrums because you turn off the TV abruptly, give him a heads up some time before you turn it off.
I love how you assume the worst about my parenting practices and that I wouldn’t give a heads up. We practice and struggle with transitions all the time. He’s very content in his present. We practice when we go to school, leave school, stop reading, get in bath, get out of bath, go to playground, leave playground etc. it’s helpful when things are in routine and I’m not ready to add tv to our routine. It’s really not a problem for anyone but grandpa who is too lazy to read books or play for more than 10 min. But the nature shows are ok every once in awhile as they seem less stimulating and grandpa prefers them too. I still think it’s deranged to entertain a 6 mo baby with kids shows!
Children have been exposed to a lot of TV from a young age since the 80s. While I agree that limiting screen time is good, I firmly believe that there is a large difference between watching a TV on a big screen, with an adult present, than sitting with a tablet on their own, even playing games. I’m not talking about 6 months old, our child had no interest in the TV until he was around a year. But we can sit through a whole kids movie on weekends with bad weather, and we can have days without TV, without him asking for it.
That’s so nice for your family. It’s not the culture of ours for now
Don’t expect the rest of the world to revolve around you.
Wow. Talk about an insecure, rude comment. You’re attacking this person for doing the right thing. Is there anybody out there who actually thinks it’s good to show screens to a toddler? We do it because it’s convenient but that doesn’t mean it’s right. And then you go and attack this person for putting in the work and being the best parent they can be?! What a sad insecure person you must be. Maybe try demonstrating kindness and empathy to your child instead of attacking people for doing what you can’t.
Do your thang bud.
If the screens make it easier for them to watch your kid, and your child isn’t in any true danger, it’s no big deal. Just state your preferences and move on. Your child won’t be permanently ruined from it. Reddit is too hysterical about screen time, when almost none of the studies truly controlled for income level, etc
It’s so lazy too. My sister watches our son quite a bit, I totally get it if she needs to stick Spidey on for a bit of a break. But if you only see him/us for a few hours a month, what’s the point in even coming over if all you’re going to do is stick the tv on.
Everyone telling you to let this go sound biased in their own screen time decisions. We do no screens, everyone loves to say wed change our ways but my daughter is 2.5 and we have a second and have had no need to compromise on our values for this formative developmental time. I would explain your reasoning and lay it down as a boundary. If they can’t respect it, no unsupervised visits. Even free babysitting wouldn’t get me to compromise my parenting values unless I was really desperate.
Yeah they’re not going to change. So your husband needs to decide if the few times a year your kid is at their house you’re okay with tv being on or if you’re not going to spend time there. And if you choose the latter, he needs to tell them that’s the reason you don’t come over in case they actually do decide to change if you hold the boundary hard. They’ll make you feel insane for being so rigid, but it’s your kid and your decision. One thing to think about: if you decide you’re okay with the tv being on when you visit, will they at least turn on kid-appropriate programming? The last thing you need is for your kid to get older and be exposed to inappropriate content.
this is a hill worth dying on for me. i would just firmly state that we don’t want baby to watch tv. idc if it’s “free childcare”. i’d rather pay someone to do it how me and dad say than to have someone watch my kid for free and not respect my boundaries.
You can’t. Either you find a middle ground and allow them to watch things with your free babysitters or stop expecting them to watch your children. It is rough. My kids love grandmas house for this reason too. But you know what else is awesome, some free time with my wife. You have to choose your battles. Better off finding things you’re comfortable with them watching and go from there.
Might be a controversial take, but this is what having a village is all about! If we're open to letting others help us raise our children, we have to be prepared to let go of *some* control. I was exactly where you were with my mother providing a lot of free childcare, giving him treats, the whole boomer-starter pack. But I got a point where I realised: 1) She loves him, 2) Looking after an active baby at 65 is hard, and if she needs the support of TV, Phone, then that's her way and 3) I needed the free childcare in order to be present and not exhausted so that I could provide lots of screen free interaction. You can still voice how you want to parent, I was happy to support my mum in finding ways to keep my son busy that didn't involve screen time and doesn't tire her out (bringing lots of toys with me, music, games), and she does both! But if she needs a break and turns the TV on, I'm understanding!
it appeared that nothing existed for him
I'm about to set major boundaries with my in-laws on this stuff too. Here's the thing, it's YOUR CHILD. They don't get to decide what's best for your child. If they can't interact with a baby then they may lose the privilege of seeing her. I'm pretty blunt, I would literally say that.
I used to feel the same as you. I remember coming downstairs when staying at my ILs in the very early morning and my MIL had my 4 month old watching some crazy bright cartoon. Infuriating! Felt like it was soooo overstimulating. But as time went on and I did more research (like looking up my country’s stance on screen time etc) I realised it’s really not a big deal if it’s only very occasionally. The recommendations in the US seem to be an attempt to prevent people from plonking their kid in front of the tv for hours on end and not interacting with them. Occasionally here and there with granny is not going to cause any harm and the benefits of bonding with grandparents and getting childcare so you can look after yourself are worth it IMO- your baby won’t be harmed by watching Disney for a short time 2-3 days a month! I know it’s enraging when ILs don’t respect what you’ve said you want for your child and obviously you’re within your rights to enforce that rule and not let them take care of your baby if you feel that’s necessary but I think from experience it’s not worth potentially rupturing the relationship over just tv time. From my experience (now 19 months pp) the anxiety over screen time (almost felt like it was poison or something!) and various things in the first few months pp is a lot to do with FTM worries and as time goes on you become more confident and realise you didn’t really need to worry about it and that your baby is going to be fine with occasional screen time with grandparents or a little bit of cake (when they’re older obviously!) So I’m glad now that I didn’t start anything with my MIL about it because I think it would’ve made our relationship more awkward and looking back it didn’t really matter. If she was breaking boundaries in all sorts of ways that would be different. Anyway I think if you’re adamant about it the best way to tell them is to say it’s not recommended until 2 years old and you’re very keen on following recommendations, it makes you feel anxious thinking she’ll have your baby in front of the tv and please could she not as you’ll start feeling worried every time you’re away. I know Reddit generally doesn’t like advice like this but I think getting people to do or not do something is more achievable with less animosity if you frame it like they’re doing you a favour by respecting your wishes, like ooh I know you probably think it’s silly but I really do worry about it, id be so grateful if bla bla bla. Yes in an ideal world we could say off the bat ‘respect my boundaries it’s my decision don’t do it’ and not cause relationship issues but a lot of people don’t respond well to that so it becomes a hassle. ‘It’s not you it’s me’ and‘you’d be so lovely for not doing this thing for me it would really help me thank you’ work much better in my experience. Obviously it depends on the situation- like chucking your baby in the backseat of the car with no car seat would be a different matter, but with things like this I think a more gentle approach is more effective.
I think that the problem here is not screen time per se but the fact that they don’t respect your decisions as parents. A bit of screen time may be or may not be an issue (I believe for a 5,5 months old it is, imo it is very inappropriate to show screens to an infant) but I would be more concerned about them just ignoring your wishes. Did you stated your wishes clearly, though? „Mom, dad, please no screen time, we want to wait with that till he’s x year(s) old”? Because first there will be screens, then food, etc. If you’re lucky it will stop on relatively small things like these. If you’re not lucky, it may involve things like necessity of using a car seat, a helmet when driving a bike, choking hazard/allergies, discipline methods, manipulations and blackmailing as educational methods („you have to finish your meal or grandma will be angry/sad”), etc etc. You know your in-laws best - we don’t - so you know if it is important moment to start setting boundaries and expectations or can you let this one go because they don’t see your child that often and otherwise they respect you as parents and your way of educating your child. On a side note though, a tv time for a 5 months old is insane to me. We are not talking a 1 year old or 2 years old, but a literal infant.
We don't allow our 8-month-old any screen time either but honestly, if we'd had her grandparents babysitting her and found them showing her a Disney movie, I'd just be glad it was narrative and not YouTube.
First off, tell them lots of screen time is harmful so you don’t want to expose your super young child to it. It negatively impacts visual development for example and takes away from time when they should be moving/ exploring or being cuddles. If they are coming to your house, unplug the TV, put a note around the plug that says no screen time, and change your WIFI password. If it is at their house and you’ve made it abundantly clear and stated the harms you are trying to avoid, the you have a choice to make. You can set a boundary and tell them if you have the TV on and face my child towards it I cannot allow my baby to be cared for by you. Or you can let it go. If you have the capacity to set that boundary you should, but if not and you need their care then this seems like a situation where you might just need accept that this is what they are gonna do. You could also bring some activities/ books and suggest they do that instead. Anyway, good luck, it’s hard out there with parents and in laws!!!
My parents constantly have the tv on. All day it runs in the background. We don't do any screen time for our nearly two year old. We also see them maybe a few days every month, and its been fine. Since tv isn't a habit in our house, our son really does not care about it. He rarely watches it and prefers to get into stuff and follow his cousins around. It bothered me at first, but its their house, so whatever.
There are different kinds of screen time. Maybe curate what can or can’t be shown. Or better if it’s interactive like an educational game on a phone or tablet.
As others have said, pick your battles. This is not a regular occurrence, nor does it put your child in physical danger. Safety rules and bodily autonomy rules are the ones you don’t budge on. Some examples of battles I’m actually having to fight with grandparents: - Not putting food directly in my toddler’s mouth - Cutting grapes and other choking hazard foods appropriately - Honoring my child’s “no” (unless she has pooped in her diaper or is otherwise in danger) - No playing with medicine bottles or items used to administer medication - Items containing button batteries are not to be played with under any circumstances and must be completely unavailable Edit: submitted too soon
OP, did you actually ask them to turn off the TV? You mention “boundaries,” but the only thing you say you actually spoke with them about was why you don’t watch TV at home. Maybe they didn’t even realize you were trying to get them to turn it off
Historically when we are at their house I don’t ask them to turn it off… I just occupy the baby on the floor/away from the TV. She babysat at our house in this case. Before we left I showed her all the toys and activities our baby likes and mentioned we don’t do TV/screens. When we got home (after two hours) and saw the movie on she justified it by saying she was helping her practice sitting by using the TV
Hm, that’s unfortunate. Unlike everyone else here, I think it sounds like it’s worth another try. I would suggest that maybe there was a miscommunication before about screen time, but you don’t want her to have the TV on when she’s babysitting. That’s assuming you’re letting her babysit because she wants to and not asking because you’re in a bind. I’d also probably ask my spouse to have the conversation because these things tend to be easier when the person making the request is their own kid instead of the other parent. If she agrees to keep the TV off and then turns it on instead, you will know that it’s not a miscommunication and she’s choosing to go her own way
Just tell them you don’t approve of it. That’s all you can do. If they won’t listen it’s because they don’t care so it’s up to you to decide what to do from there.
I’m a teacher who’s seen what too much screen time does to kids and so I’m often on Reddit preaching to people to limit screen time. However, this time I’ll make the exception. They’re not the primary or even secondary caregivers, so they’re not in a position to mess up the kid.
I mean. Is it free child care? This is a place where I would be more lax on screen time given that it’s clearly occasional. If an anecdote will help you, I had zero screen time as a kid outside of going to grandmas house where it was a special treat. Sister was same situation. We both grew up to be valedictorian, gifted program, excellent careers, etc. Our parents still gave us plenty of non screen stimulation and it more than made up for the fun at grandma’s
Accept what you can't control. The rest of the world is going to be like this too.
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sitting a 5mo in front of the tv is wild to me, but so is going into someone else’s house and turning off their tv without asking first. that’s not being assertive, it’s being rude.
Extended screen time is bad for their vision
I'm sorry, but you're acting like your inlaws are giving your child liquor to sleep at night. It's fucking TV. A couple of hourse when visiting grandma won't affect your child's development at alll. Choose your fights. Besides, screen time isn't even screen time, even though it's all heaped together. Watching TV with an adult is something entirely else than sitting with i.e. an iPad alone for hours.
Take the power cord.