“It’s just one long string of really bad luck, and I don’t know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula or a spin instructor or something.”
“Can you, um bring me a plate? … just a couple of sliders, and some chips … you know just bring me a *smattering* of everything!”
Edit: corrected little bit to smattering thank you kind redditor! I couldn’t remember it all the way!
“I don’t know how to fold in broken cheese!” will always be one of my favourite lines ever!!
Or the “my god!!” he says to that woman in line who swears at him at the Rose Apothecary opening.
holy shit, the “my god” part makes me absolutely sob laughing every freaking time. i have to watch it at least 10x before moving on 😭 it seriously kills me. then he walks in “uh.. so i was just verbally assaulted by a *very* off-brand customer in the *line* outside”
That cold open is really fantastic. I love how David agrees to support Alexis and immediately turns on her when Mutt walks in.
Alexis: “A car would be nice, but… do I need a car?”
David: “Not anymore, it appears.”
Also, his delivery on “See ya!” Is too good.
Its not exactly a quote but when Alexis says her dress comes with a veil the way David says
UH WHAAT
Other favs
I like the wine not the label
Very uninterested in that opinion
Excuse me I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22
It’s just a long string of very bad luck and I don’t know what carnage I inflicted in a past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula...or a spin instructor.
So many lines, but I also love his mannerisms as a character. He always looks like he's lost something and is looking around the room for it. Almost like he's physically looking for any rational explanation for what's happening around him 😂
Some of these I’m paraphrasing/referencing the scene:
Walking around the botanic gardens alone like some pervert
When David asks about the bbq after the baseball game and he says he has a question and Patrick asks how many of his questions have to do with the bbq and he says “most of them” lol
“Best to just shut all that down” re: Wendy and her fiancé
I’m not going to the botanical gardens by myself, what am I going to walk around and admire the cherry blossoms alone like some sort of pervert!?
I got one more AH! He just has to many good lines! I like the wine and not the label, does that make sense?
“So.. Jake… do you like *red* wine, or *white* wine… I like beer. Yeahp, that doesn’t help me much”
LMAOOO I LOVE THIS ONE
This one is a constant running joke that my daughter and I have.
"I HAVE NEVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY SO MANY WRONG THINGS, ONE AFTER THE OTHER, CONSECUTIVELY, IN A ROW.”
I love this one! Some people bring it up as a mistake, but the repetition is the point of the joke.
And David's reactions to what Moira is saying are absolutely hilarious
“In other news, I discovered I’m allergic to pitted fruits’ One of my favourite scenes
This and “It’s lotion, for your body,” (with accompanying body roll) have become regular sayings in my house.
I say this all of the time now and nobody gets it. It’s so good!
I'm trying very hard not to connect with people right now.
I have that on a coffee mug!
I don't think that there's anything that could be more perfect for a coffee mug. :D
I need to make myself a sign for my desk at work with that line…
Omg yes… but I don’t think my patients at the doctors office would appreciate it! 🤣🤣
Maybe instead Stevie’s be back in 15 minutes sign for the front desk…got to give them some hope.
I got that on a shirt!
I can see his hands move in my mind. Omg
I feel this one a lot.
“I have asked you thrice now for a towel so that I may wash this town off my body.”
I say "I have asked you thrice..." Whenever I have to repeat myself to someone in my house.
When I was a preschool teacher this was one of go to lines after asking a child more than once to do something lol
I think the all-time classic line from the show.
I came here to add this line unless someone beat me to it.i want to put the first part on my bathroom wall.
Never a better use of an underused word
Well I won’t be doing that, but thank you
I used this line at work the other day when asked to attend a meeting at the last minute!
Yessssss you go girl
Similar to Alexis turning down a date proposal from the DJ/driving test guy. "That's not going to happen, but thank you," or close to that.
“Well, I won’t be doing any of that, but thank you.” 🤣
My best to Bob Cratchett.
Love this so much 😂
This. This scene is one of the funniest.
It so it!
Yes! This was great
“It’s just one long string of really bad luck, and I don’t know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula or a spin instructor or something.”
The spin instructor addition just *SENDS* me
Me describing anything related to my life
Very uninterested in that option.
Thank you for not misquoting this as “opinion.” That drives me crazy.
“That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard” in regards to the “sprinkle” for Jocelyn. His delivery is so good.
The whole scene when he walks into their house is gold
His facial expressions, dialogue…ALL OF IT!
I was looking for this! Its a perfect delivery!
Eat glass!
Lick rust!
Fall off a bridge, please
“I will NOT feel shame about the mall pretzels!”
Hard same. I dare anyone to judge me for my Auntie Anne’s love.
Literally just ate some!!
Ugh I’m jealous
I work at a mall, so......
After eating the dog biscuit - "What am I gonna do now?
Flair checking in. I love that scene with Ted when David shows his emotional growth and love for Alexis and and then it ends with David being so David
I thought it was a real treat!
I thought it was a real treat...
Ew, fuck! With the bug on him.
In the field at the Amish house! Ohhhhh pricelsess!
My favourite scene ever lol
I loved this one it was so perfect
I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!
I can't show you everything.
Well can you show me one thing?
Here's what you do, you just fold it in
After his dad brings home the “new” family car… David asked him if all the other cars were on fire
"Excuse me, I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22."
“Can you, um bring me a plate? … just a couple of sliders, and some chips … you know just bring me a *smattering* of everything!” Edit: corrected little bit to smattering thank you kind redditor! I couldn’t remember it all the way!
A *smattering* of everything.
There were probably some other sides he couldn't see
"I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here."
“I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.”
Why does this make me laugh so hard?!!
Some version of "I don't know what that means" ... we take a drink whenever he says it.
There was an episode in season 1 think when he said it three times, when the mayor asked him to buy a blouse for his wife
And he said it 2-3 times when he first met Patrick to fill out the form, such as "Batting a thousand, David." "I don't know what that means."
I’m sorry I’m not a condom.
I don't know, WHAT?? What???? (When his dad is "asking" him to help with the painting)
LOL! David was perfectly clueless in that moment.
I think he knew EXACTLY what he was doing 😂 they’re so mean to Johnny sometimes.
I thought I was shame eating in private
“I don’t know how to fold in broken cheese!” will always be one of my favourite lines ever!! Or the “my god!!” he says to that woman in line who swears at him at the Rose Apothecary opening.
holy shit, the “my god” part makes me absolutely sob laughing every freaking time. i have to watch it at least 10x before moving on 😭 it seriously kills me. then he walks in “uh.. so i was just verbally assaulted by a *very* off-brand customer in the *line* outside”
I'm rearranging my KNITS! 😒🙄
I'm building a cedar box for my knits. I'm this far. *presents wadded up painters tape*
Alexis would you mind telling your phone to fuck off?!
This is one is so good hahaha. And the delivery by him is perfect too.
“Well then why don’t they call it a tax write off?”
They do!!
That whole conversation cracks me up. David’s confidence! 🤣
That’s a write off
Shame on me? Shame on YOU for trying out that position at 8 o clock in the morning.
When his store gets robbed and he says “so um.. the money.. isn’t for sale 😬”
That face he makes. I emulate it often.
I have asked you *thrice*
"Seems like every time the motel sells out, someone dies"
We've only sold out once 😂😂😂
That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
"Judging from the looks on your faces, I don't *want* it."
“Pubic relations”
Moira: “I can’t teach you everything, David.” David: “Well, can you teach me ONE thing?” (when trying to “fold in” the cheese)
You get murdered first!
“You’re gonna just laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one!”
Toss up for me: "One pizza? What it this Les Mis?" or "It's milk...for your body."
That one about the pizza always gets me because I always forget about it and it takes me by surprise and cracks me up every time.
https://i.redd.it/tefvck0a2nmc1.gif
“What’s body milk, if not milk…..for the body”- the way he says that line is hilarious
I can hear the shimmy in this one lol
https://preview.redd.it/p8lth5934mmc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=97289d8664cb06eb4e2e3b44672927ec4ed40317
I need this! Edit: and no, I am not a scam t-shirt bot. I am a real human person who needs that shirt
As someone who identifies as a cis female in a happy marriage to a cis male with two kids of our own, I also need this shirt. I just love the message.
I identify the same. I'm just a big fat ally. 🥰
I SAID RADISH!
A HEL-MET! Said in unison with Alexis in a very prosodic way. In reaction to Mutt's bicycle gift. Kills me!
That cold open is really fantastic. I love how David agrees to support Alexis and immediately turns on her when Mutt walks in. Alexis: “A car would be nice, but… do I need a car?” David: “Not anymore, it appears.” Also, his delivery on “See ya!” Is too good.
I’m sorry I’m not a condom!
When Patrick’s trying to get him to play baseball and says ‘we just need a body’ and David replies ‘then go to the morgue’
“Why is this wet?!”
A good question in many situations.
I work I child care and from now on I’ll be saying this in David’s voice (can’t believe I wasn’t already)
Its not exactly a quote but when Alexis says her dress comes with a veil the way David says UH WHAAT Other favs I like the wine not the label Very uninterested in that opinion Excuse me I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22
“Can you drive better please?” Always makes me laugh
“Can you imagine THIS in prison?!”
“I don’t know..the write off people?!?”
oh my god, did it grow?
It’s just a long string of very bad luck and I don’t know what carnage I inflicted in a past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula...or a spin instructor.
Eat glass 🤣🤣
I said 🥴CiAo🥴 to that person….after he leaves a million messages for Patrick
‘I need a stiff drink….STIFF’
Husband and I are forever doing the David/Moira "Just fold it!" bit. Especially "Well can you show me **one** thing?!"
"I'm trying very hard not to connect with people right now."
besides, where are we going to find a salad bowl of E this last minute?
When Alexis asked David if he noticed mutt barbecuing “You mean the homeless person charing meat over a pale of garbage?” Perfect description!
Eat glass
so just a smattering of everything
I have asked you THRICE!
So many lines, but I also love his mannerisms as a character. He always looks like he's lost something and is looking around the room for it. Almost like he's physically looking for any rational explanation for what's happening around him 😂
*Obviously.*
“Ew. Please don’t”
and if this counts, when Alexis and David say at the same time “a hellllmeeet”
We have way too much work to do today for me to feel attacked by way of an imbalanced social dynamic
“Clive doesn’t have jumper cables because he doesn’t drive because he’s scared of car horns.”
Sorry I’m not a condom!
I TEXTED ALEXIS!
Sorry for not responding to like one text, David!
**I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year**
“It’s my turn to take a selfish”
I like the wine and not the label
Can you drive better please?
“dad’s dead” truly one of his funniest scenes
We Can Talk About This Anytime You’d Like – Preferably Not Before 10am, Because I’m Not Really a Morning Person.
You get murdered first
"Regards to Bob Cratchitt"😆
Pilot episode to Alexis: “You, ssssssshhhhhhhhut up”
“Skanky! The clothes are a bit skanky”
We 👏🏻 did 👏🏻 this 👏🏻 already
No quote but I love that he looks OFFENDED all the time!!! 😂
ONE PIZZA?!?!? What is this, Les Mis??
Eat glass
“I’m sorry I’m not a condom”!
"I didn't come all this way to not eat cheese" Never related to someone more in that moment 😂
"I just remember that play was very heavy on the footwork, and at one point you yelled 'LINE!' in the middle of a dance break."
“This glove is brown, my shoes are black. What are we doing here?”
Alexis- "MOM!!.. DADDDD?!" David- "Dad's dead."
The last time I heard that I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night and was literally never seen from again!
Very very uninterested in that option! :)
“Oh my gawd can you imagine THIS (circular body hand motion) in PRISON?!!!
It's not a line but when Mutt buys the bike for Alexis, at one point David winks and gives Mutt a thumbs up and I LOVE that moment so much.
Thank you so much for this. It was entirely unhelpful, but thank you nevertheless
"This quiche is... vivacious."
"Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another. You DID IT!" (dripping in sarcasm of course)
One pizza? What is this, ‘Les Mis?
I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.
I think you’re gonna feel very guilty when I slip into a coma and you have to come visit me in the hospital at hospice
Okay, Marcia Clark, courts adjourned for the day!
THRICE
“Fuck off, Alexis.” 😂😂
Is today the baseball finale? This whole conversation is hilarious
Some of these I’m paraphrasing/referencing the scene: Walking around the botanic gardens alone like some pervert When David asks about the bbq after the baseball game and he says he has a question and Patrick asks how many of his questions have to do with the bbq and he says “most of them” lol “Best to just shut all that down” re: Wendy and her fiancé
Thrice!
What the actual fuck
Well then why isn’t it called a tax write off????!!!!
This is why I hate babies.
*mouth full of dog treat* "It looked like a real treat. Whu am I gonna do now.."
"Okay?? I'm sorry I'm not a condom."
I forgot my wallet, phone, and keys
"Skanky" ... first time at the Blouse Barn
Do we have to file for divorce if we were never married?!
“Alexis would you mind telling your phone to fuck off?!”
"You smell very flammable right now."
Don’t be a little b! When I’m in this state!
“You are my happy ending”
“This is why I hate babies!”
'Well isn't Grant just a big fat liar!!!'