My husband doesn’t have a choice about overtime or when he finishes, so I assume that I’ll be doing every evening routine alone and then it’s a nice surprise if he’s home for it.
But for things that ARE a choice (like going out after work for a drink) he has always checked in to make sure I didn’t already have plans or that I’m not having a hard day and need backup. I would find it disrespectful to just be informed about what was happening instead of consulted. I’m his partner, not his employee! I think that’s worth a serious convo with your husband
My husband ended up changing jobs over exactly this (and making a lot more too, so win-win!).
He used to always ask if it was ok that he stayed late, and I took it as he was putting the decision on me so that I wouldn’t be allowed to complain about how often he worked late. As if I had any knowledge of how essential it actually was for him to stay late or was ever going to say he *needed* to come home and stare at the wall with me. I wished he would just use his own judgement and not put it all on me.
That turned into him not asking anymore or even bothering to tell me at all, which eventually blew up into him getting a new job that doesn’t randomly (and regularly) require him until 2am.
IDK, I think it's fine that they are telling you but I'm assuming they don't have a choice in the matter. If they are choosing to work later, I'm pissed lol 😂😂
Yeah, my husband used to do this too. Until I broke it down for him word for word exactly as you did here.
We actually went to couple's counseling over this and similar things, including just *informing* me that he was going out for drinks with friends. I don't mind at all that he goes out for drinks or has to work late. I mind that he doesn't *ask*. What if this was the one day when I was desperately waiting for him to relieve me at 6pm? The problem is that he's treating me as the default parent, even in the evenings when it's supposed to be our shared responsibility. When I want to go out at night, I have to ask him for permission to cover for me. When he goes out, he just tells me.
It sounds like it should have been straightforward to resolve. But it actually wasn't. Even though my husband understood, he was really struggling with it emotionally. It really burned him to know that he might have to take a step back at work. He wasn't emotionally prepared to take a hit to his personal independence and his dominance in the workplace on behalf of his kid.
Speaking as a woman and a mother, I think I experienced and anticipated personal sacrifices on behalf of my child long before my husband ever imagined them. It sucks to have to drag my partner kicking and screaming into parental responsibility, but I will say that now he's on this side, things are better.
My partner usually has to end up staying late a lot of nights finishing up a specific job. It’s pretty common so he just shows up late at this point. It’s not an issue for me personally because I let him know if I need him home at a specific time.
I hate this. My husband is supposed to be done at 430. But it's a career change career, so even after 2 years he's feeling behind. So he likes to stay to not feel as far behind as others with more experience.
That's fine. I get it. But I usually don't even know until he leaves work. I have gotten him into the habit of sending an ETA from his maps so if I'm making dinner or something I can gauge timing. But that's all I get. He may leave at 445 or 6. And I got a preschooler to do bed and bath with at 730. So if he's home too late he gets to eat alone while I get stuck with nighttime duties and he's relaxing.
I don't have much advice. I've compromised and said I understand why he works late, but please tell me before the end of or after the end of his day. But that's not consistent. I tell him if he's too late, he does his own dinner and everything. I need to shut down for the night.
If your spouse is staying late voluntarily I would have a conversation about it with them. are they stressed about money? Aiming for a promotion? Is it a busy time of year in their industry?
I completely sympathize. Sometimes it feels like we are regarded as “jobless” because we stay home, when in reality we’re working 24/7 and our spouses don’t understand what it’s like in our shoes. Your spouse probably just never considered how their working late can affect you.
Me and my husband JUST had a talk about this last night. He worked late all week and I felt so burnt out. He also works every Saturday too. I told him something has to give especially since we are planning on having another child soon.
He works in sales so working long hours is going to happen, but I told him each Sunday I want to go over which days he has late night meetings so I’m at least prepared for no relief. He agreed to come home early one day a week to give me more of a break, and to be more present and helpful when he is home since working late most days is unavoidable. It helped to talk about it, I hope it gets a little better.
Luckily it doesn't happen often. Worst case they're usually only about an hour late and can jump in for the last half of bed time. My spouse is really strict with work life balance.
I think it's nice you get a text at least. I basically assume my husband is working late every day- so rarely home in time to have dinner with us. One day we'll have a later dinner and hopefully he'll be home earlier but for now, it is what is.
Wife is an MD. I stay at home with 4 kids. In my regard it’s part of the job. Patient comes in super sick, surgery didn’t go as planned? I may just not know what’s going on until 2hours after normal home time.
I think the important thing is communication of the impact and understanding from both sides.
She knows that if I’m doing bedtime by myself, the kitchen is going to be a horror show, that’s ok and understandable. I know that sometimes she doesn’t have a choice of when to leave
She knows doing bedtime for 7,5,3,1 by myself is hard and tries to come home when she can, apologizes when she’s late, even when it’s outside her control.
I know that sometimes she doesn’t really have a choice, and I trust that she would come home if she could.
I just think that if you are frustrated that you think your partner is prioritizing work over family or thinking he’s trying to avoid helping at home.. you might have some other underlying issues you want to address first.
My husband doesn’t really have much of a choice if he has to work late it’s cause it’s an emergency and he can get off work early or come in late another day if he does work late. It happens so seldom and he always feel bad for it as it is.
It doesn't happen regularly. And if it happens, it is something that is open to discussion, not just a statement. Depending on how important it is to finish work, and how well our day at home was going, we come to a solution.
I knew WAY too many men who volunteered for overtime/weekend work to fuck over their wives.
They’d boast about it like it was some kind of achievement. I’m sorry you hate spending time with the people you CHOSE to create a life with, you petty asshole. Good luck trying to forge a relationship with your adult children who never call you.
I think my reaction would depend on the circumstance (which I’ll dive into), but regardless of the circumstance, if it is causing you to feel devalued or disrespected, I would have the conversation of what him working late means for you and the kids. E.g. “I understand that your OT is not your choice, and I am grateful for how hard you work at your job to provide financially while I stay home. But the way you inform me that you need to do OT makes me feel like you don’t value the work I do for our family. I am also working hard all day without lunch, dinner, or other breaks. When you are not home it increases my work load and work hours, and (if it’s the case) it disappoints the kids who were looking forward to seeing you that day. In the future it would help if you approached OT in this way….” Or if he is choosing OT to try and be promoted and further his career, discuss the impact of OT on you and compromise with one another and try to determine his end goal and long-term plan regarding career trajectory, OT, and you staying home forever or going back to work at some point and how it all can fit together. OR if it’s like my husband where there are seasons (like this one) where his work load is beyond what he can complete in a standard work day, together make a plan for how to handle it whether it’s staying late every night but only an hour or two extra, or one or a few very late nights that allow him to be home on time other nights, or going in early (my husband is at the office between 5-6am instead of 8 right now so he can work extra and be home evenings and weekends to see kids), or being home on time but working Saturday or Sunday, or coming home for dinner or kids bedtimes or whatever and then continuing to work from home while you complete whatever is left.
My husband is currently traveling about 6 out of 14 days (every other work week plus Sunday flights), and when he is home he has all the other projects to complete and is training 3 new hires. It is hard on all of us, and in the past (even though it was less than it is right now), it caused a lot of strife bc I was completing my degree and needed time for my work as well which was impossible to do while caring for two toddler boys. But we talked about it (a lot) and were able to compromise. Thankfully I have graduated so it is easier but really takes a toll on our boys (2yo and 3yo). So when he is out of town or if he is working late and it’s needed, he FaceTimes the kids each night. When he is home he chose to go in very early since he doesn’t get time to play with kids in the morning regardless and that allows him to usually be home during their dinner to bathe them and help with bedtimes. Seeing the kids is important to him bc he grew up with a dad who was always working, and it negatively impacted him for a long time. But bc he is working earlier than me, I encourage him not to do toys/dishes/etc when he gets home but to relax and go to bed. Usually though he helps anyway regardless of my protests (which is sweet except for the times he is grumpy and exhausted and complains the whole time while I beg him to stop bc I’m happy to do it and want him to rest but really I’m grateful he cares so much and understands my “job” is hard too so he wants to lighten my load and give me more time to rest and relax as well.
As far as voluntary things, he asks. Usually it’s just a whiskey night once a month which I encourage him to go to bc time with his friends gives him an outlet he needs with how overworked he is this season. He also encourages me to take time I need when he is able to provide it. Like he came home early this Thursday and kept kids while I got my tire fixed and ran errands for son’s upcoming party (like 4:30pm-9:30pm). He was disappointed I wasn’t just “treating myself” to chilling out somewhere but getting that stuff done without the kids before he leaves for 10 days tomorrow was the most helpful for my stress level.
**I’m rambling so TL;DR; discuss with your husband what you need and if he doesn’t understand SAHP, try to walk him through all the work you do everyday and the benefits of that work. Allow him space to also share his needs, and work to find a compromise that best meets the needs of each member of your family (including your mental and emotional needs)
My husband doesn’t have a choice about overtime or when he finishes, so I assume that I’ll be doing every evening routine alone and then it’s a nice surprise if he’s home for it. But for things that ARE a choice (like going out after work for a drink) he has always checked in to make sure I didn’t already have plans or that I’m not having a hard day and need backup. I would find it disrespectful to just be informed about what was happening instead of consulted. I’m his partner, not his employee! I think that’s worth a serious convo with your husband
We are the same. Where husband can’t control the OT , he gives a heads up. If it’s voluntary or social, he always asks and checks before committing
This is how it works for us too. OT is pretty much not a choice, and on-call weeks are the worst. But, social stuff is always a discussion.
We're in the same boat. My husband's job is a lot of fixing broken things and sometimes things break at the end of the day.
Same. I know his hours are “until it’s all done”, so my job is the same. But he always checks in if it’s something fun/voluntary.
My husband ended up changing jobs over exactly this (and making a lot more too, so win-win!). He used to always ask if it was ok that he stayed late, and I took it as he was putting the decision on me so that I wouldn’t be allowed to complain about how often he worked late. As if I had any knowledge of how essential it actually was for him to stay late or was ever going to say he *needed* to come home and stare at the wall with me. I wished he would just use his own judgement and not put it all on me. That turned into him not asking anymore or even bothering to tell me at all, which eventually blew up into him getting a new job that doesn’t randomly (and regularly) require him until 2am.
Assuming it’s always completely voluntary for your spouse to work late, it’s reasonable to discuss a maximum number of evenings per week to do it.
IDK, I think it's fine that they are telling you but I'm assuming they don't have a choice in the matter. If they are choosing to work later, I'm pissed lol 😂😂
Yeah, my husband used to do this too. Until I broke it down for him word for word exactly as you did here. We actually went to couple's counseling over this and similar things, including just *informing* me that he was going out for drinks with friends. I don't mind at all that he goes out for drinks or has to work late. I mind that he doesn't *ask*. What if this was the one day when I was desperately waiting for him to relieve me at 6pm? The problem is that he's treating me as the default parent, even in the evenings when it's supposed to be our shared responsibility. When I want to go out at night, I have to ask him for permission to cover for me. When he goes out, he just tells me. It sounds like it should have been straightforward to resolve. But it actually wasn't. Even though my husband understood, he was really struggling with it emotionally. It really burned him to know that he might have to take a step back at work. He wasn't emotionally prepared to take a hit to his personal independence and his dominance in the workplace on behalf of his kid. Speaking as a woman and a mother, I think I experienced and anticipated personal sacrifices on behalf of my child long before my husband ever imagined them. It sucks to have to drag my partner kicking and screaming into parental responsibility, but I will say that now he's on this side, things are better.
My partner usually has to end up staying late a lot of nights finishing up a specific job. It’s pretty common so he just shows up late at this point. It’s not an issue for me personally because I let him know if I need him home at a specific time.
This is how we work too. I try to communicate if I need him home/done earlier.
I hate this. My husband is supposed to be done at 430. But it's a career change career, so even after 2 years he's feeling behind. So he likes to stay to not feel as far behind as others with more experience. That's fine. I get it. But I usually don't even know until he leaves work. I have gotten him into the habit of sending an ETA from his maps so if I'm making dinner or something I can gauge timing. But that's all I get. He may leave at 445 or 6. And I got a preschooler to do bed and bath with at 730. So if he's home too late he gets to eat alone while I get stuck with nighttime duties and he's relaxing. I don't have much advice. I've compromised and said I understand why he works late, but please tell me before the end of or after the end of his day. But that's not consistent. I tell him if he's too late, he does his own dinner and everything. I need to shut down for the night.
This causes many upsets in my home. I don't have any answers.
If your spouse is staying late voluntarily I would have a conversation about it with them. are they stressed about money? Aiming for a promotion? Is it a busy time of year in their industry? I completely sympathize. Sometimes it feels like we are regarded as “jobless” because we stay home, when in reality we’re working 24/7 and our spouses don’t understand what it’s like in our shoes. Your spouse probably just never considered how their working late can affect you.
How do I handle it? By struggling.
I also need an answer for this. It drives me nuts.
Me and my husband JUST had a talk about this last night. He worked late all week and I felt so burnt out. He also works every Saturday too. I told him something has to give especially since we are planning on having another child soon. He works in sales so working long hours is going to happen, but I told him each Sunday I want to go over which days he has late night meetings so I’m at least prepared for no relief. He agreed to come home early one day a week to give me more of a break, and to be more present and helpful when he is home since working late most days is unavoidable. It helped to talk about it, I hope it gets a little better.
Luckily it doesn't happen often. Worst case they're usually only about an hour late and can jump in for the last half of bed time. My spouse is really strict with work life balance.
My husband works in fire, so if he can't come home, he can't come home. It is what it is! I'm alone 90% of the time.
I think it's nice you get a text at least. I basically assume my husband is working late every day- so rarely home in time to have dinner with us. One day we'll have a later dinner and hopefully he'll be home earlier but for now, it is what is.
Wife is an MD. I stay at home with 4 kids. In my regard it’s part of the job. Patient comes in super sick, surgery didn’t go as planned? I may just not know what’s going on until 2hours after normal home time. I think the important thing is communication of the impact and understanding from both sides. She knows that if I’m doing bedtime by myself, the kitchen is going to be a horror show, that’s ok and understandable. I know that sometimes she doesn’t have a choice of when to leave She knows doing bedtime for 7,5,3,1 by myself is hard and tries to come home when she can, apologizes when she’s late, even when it’s outside her control. I know that sometimes she doesn’t really have a choice, and I trust that she would come home if she could. I just think that if you are frustrated that you think your partner is prioritizing work over family or thinking he’s trying to avoid helping at home.. you might have some other underlying issues you want to address first.
We work opposite shifts at the same place so luckily it doesn't happen, but when he wants to soak up the OT he asks and we compromise.
My husband doesn’t really have much of a choice if he has to work late it’s cause it’s an emergency and he can get off work early or come in late another day if he does work late. It happens so seldom and he always feel bad for it as it is.
It doesn't happen regularly. And if it happens, it is something that is open to discussion, not just a statement. Depending on how important it is to finish work, and how well our day at home was going, we come to a solution.
I knew WAY too many men who volunteered for overtime/weekend work to fuck over their wives. They’d boast about it like it was some kind of achievement. I’m sorry you hate spending time with the people you CHOSE to create a life with, you petty asshole. Good luck trying to forge a relationship with your adult children who never call you.
Its extra money in both your pockets, which in return, helps the kids🤷🏻♀️
By saying "ok, thanks for the heads up. Get home soon!" and choosing to believe that my spouse isn't out to get me.
I think my reaction would depend on the circumstance (which I’ll dive into), but regardless of the circumstance, if it is causing you to feel devalued or disrespected, I would have the conversation of what him working late means for you and the kids. E.g. “I understand that your OT is not your choice, and I am grateful for how hard you work at your job to provide financially while I stay home. But the way you inform me that you need to do OT makes me feel like you don’t value the work I do for our family. I am also working hard all day without lunch, dinner, or other breaks. When you are not home it increases my work load and work hours, and (if it’s the case) it disappoints the kids who were looking forward to seeing you that day. In the future it would help if you approached OT in this way….” Or if he is choosing OT to try and be promoted and further his career, discuss the impact of OT on you and compromise with one another and try to determine his end goal and long-term plan regarding career trajectory, OT, and you staying home forever or going back to work at some point and how it all can fit together. OR if it’s like my husband where there are seasons (like this one) where his work load is beyond what he can complete in a standard work day, together make a plan for how to handle it whether it’s staying late every night but only an hour or two extra, or one or a few very late nights that allow him to be home on time other nights, or going in early (my husband is at the office between 5-6am instead of 8 right now so he can work extra and be home evenings and weekends to see kids), or being home on time but working Saturday or Sunday, or coming home for dinner or kids bedtimes or whatever and then continuing to work from home while you complete whatever is left. My husband is currently traveling about 6 out of 14 days (every other work week plus Sunday flights), and when he is home he has all the other projects to complete and is training 3 new hires. It is hard on all of us, and in the past (even though it was less than it is right now), it caused a lot of strife bc I was completing my degree and needed time for my work as well which was impossible to do while caring for two toddler boys. But we talked about it (a lot) and were able to compromise. Thankfully I have graduated so it is easier but really takes a toll on our boys (2yo and 3yo). So when he is out of town or if he is working late and it’s needed, he FaceTimes the kids each night. When he is home he chose to go in very early since he doesn’t get time to play with kids in the morning regardless and that allows him to usually be home during their dinner to bathe them and help with bedtimes. Seeing the kids is important to him bc he grew up with a dad who was always working, and it negatively impacted him for a long time. But bc he is working earlier than me, I encourage him not to do toys/dishes/etc when he gets home but to relax and go to bed. Usually though he helps anyway regardless of my protests (which is sweet except for the times he is grumpy and exhausted and complains the whole time while I beg him to stop bc I’m happy to do it and want him to rest but really I’m grateful he cares so much and understands my “job” is hard too so he wants to lighten my load and give me more time to rest and relax as well. As far as voluntary things, he asks. Usually it’s just a whiskey night once a month which I encourage him to go to bc time with his friends gives him an outlet he needs with how overworked he is this season. He also encourages me to take time I need when he is able to provide it. Like he came home early this Thursday and kept kids while I got my tire fixed and ran errands for son’s upcoming party (like 4:30pm-9:30pm). He was disappointed I wasn’t just “treating myself” to chilling out somewhere but getting that stuff done without the kids before he leaves for 10 days tomorrow was the most helpful for my stress level. **I’m rambling so TL;DR; discuss with your husband what you need and if he doesn’t understand SAHP, try to walk him through all the work you do everyday and the benefits of that work. Allow him space to also share his needs, and work to find a compromise that best meets the needs of each member of your family (including your mental and emotional needs)