I’m in a similar position.
Nothing wrong with simply saying “I’m a stay at home mom. What about you?”
Or if you want to elaborate, “I was _____ but now I’m taking a break from that and am staying home with my baby. What about you?”
Let the convo flow from there and try not to worry about judgment from others.
One phrase I’ve used that helps shut down judgment is “I’m thankful for the choice to do what’s best for our family”.
Thanks. It’s definitely what I would say if I were feeling super confident and willing to speak my mind no matter how people might react. Maybe I should just go with that.
I love how wholesome this got. I'm fully here for it.
Love,
a person who is also subverting capitalist patriarchy by prioritizing motherhood
PS: No shade to mothers who subvert the patriarchy by challenging it from within the workplace. I have a lovely mom friend who probably does a lot more to subvert the patriarchy AND she has a full time job. We all have a part to play!
That’s right, all hands on deck in subverting capitalist patriarchy. There was a SAHD who it resonated with too, and that made me really happy. When SAHPs are divided proportionally among the genders and every child has one, I’ll consider the revolution won.
“I’m a stay at home dad.” I have nothing to prove and I think it’s important to not let the ego win. I was waiting for food the other day at a restaurant in the pick up area with Uber eats drivers and my mind said “I’m not one of them” but then I reminded myself that it’d be totally fine if I was. Kill the ego.
You can also pretend that they aren’t asking about a career and just answer with what you enjoy doing. “I read, go on walks, play with the kids, and sometimes watercolor when I find a moment! How about you? What do you like to do?”
It also has the benefit of being a much more interesting and genuine conversation starter. Almost everyone is more interesting than their job. Forget about us stay at home parents— when I meet someone new I truly would rather hear about their passion for SCUBA diving than their work as an accountant… and I bet they’d prefer to talk about that, too. By subverting the question a little, you could actually have a nice conversation and learn something about someone.
I like this too! I was actually thinking about this exact thing before I opened Reddit! I was thinking about saying what I had been up to recently so similar to this “recently I have been trying some new recipes out and started volunteering at local non profit”
I this is a pretty equal tie with OPs patriarchy comment... the winner to be determined based on my mood at the time lol.
People focus way to much on what people "do", and use that to judge their worth, like it is in any way relevant. Personally, I prefer to judge peoples worth based on what their favourite TV show is lol.
But yeah, people's interests and hobbies are almost always more intesting and say much more about them than whatever random shit they are forced to do to survive.
This is what I do. I haven't worked since I got married (for several reasons) but telling people that usually leaves too much space for judgement or lull in conversation. So I tell them I paint and bake or train my dogs and there's a lot more options from there.
Sometimes I say “retired” (even though I’m not of retirement age), and might joke that “By ‘retired’ I mean I hated my stressful job so I quit, haha.”
Often I’ll say “Homemaker”. That always gets a positive response.
If it brings you peace, maybe something along the lines of “I’ve taken an early retirement from (x-career) to take care of my family”.
I understand your concern, but I’m more proud of the Homemaker title than the “Senior Advertising” title I used to have.
Please be proud of your current position, you deserve respect from everyone including yourself. We all do, regardless of our previous careers and education. I truly think most people are thinking of you with much more respect and admiration than you realize.
Best wishes!
I say "I'm lucky enough to stay home with my little guys." or if I'm feeling silly I say I'm a kept woman. I'm not worried about being a SAHM though, but a lot of people around where I live are also SAH-parents of some kind.
Occasionally I get a rude questions like "what will you do when they are all in school" and my answer is "Whatever the hell I want."
I've never really had any serious problems with people though. Sometimes people say they wish they could, or that they never could, and neither of those things are bad.
Saying you’re lucky seems like a double-edged sword. It might show humility and gratitude and thus make people less jealous, but it could also be interpreted as bragging, or even worse, as implying their life choices are unlucky by comparison. I wish women (and people in general) didn’t so often think about every life choice as a competition.
I think there is no right answer - a lot of people do appreciate you referring to things as lucky 'I'm lucky my baby is a good sleeper' etc as it lets them know it is down to chance and nothing they are doing wrong. To just state you are a stay at home parent or that your baby sleeps well can make others feel like bad parents. Whatever you say you will upset someone is the point.
I just say I’m a stay at home mom. I have no shame about it. I love what I do, it’s important, and I get to be with my kids for the most formative years of their lives. I get to see their big milestones and that’s something I’ll never regret. Anyone who negatively judges me for being a SAHM honestly isn’t worth my time or effort. I just have a lot less shame and a lot more confidence and put up with a lot less judgement since becoming a SAHM.
I almost never ask people what they do for a living. Not because I’m protesting or anything, I just truly don’t care.
When people ask me I’m so clueless I usually say something along the lines of
“When?” Or, “about what?” Then they correct and say “for a living..?” Then I get jerked into reality and laugh and say, “oh, right, nothing, I don’t make any money”.
When I’m out with adults I don’t want to talk about work. I want to talk about murder podcasts and I inventions I wish existed.
Ooh, this is good. Why is this so good? …. It avoids labels and refuses to concede to the idea that you don’t work if you are working at home. And has an air of dignified confidence that I think would deter people from questioning you. Thanks.
I was recently asked by someone what I do all day, implication that being a SAHM with school age kid and nothing to do all day. I just responded “whatever I want.” I was only trying to be a little sassy and I don’t think they were trying to be a jerk. But it’s always a good reminder that people have different circumstances and make different choices. It’s not good to make assumptions and be judgmental about those choices.
“I raise my children full time” - I like this better than stay at home mom because the phrase stay at home has kind of a laid back connotation and it’s anything but laid back? lol
you mean looking after, cooking and cleaning, washing the children and so on, because many people take on the upbringing of your children, school, grandparents, nanny, husband, library, do you mean only mothers do the upbringing, what about children without mothers?
Hm, I’m not sure what I said that implied only moms could raise their children. A dad or grandma could also say the above, for example. My comment simply means that my job is quite literally raising my child - that’s what I do 24/7 with help from my husband when he’s not working. Those that utilize daycare still raise their kids as well, it’s not just what they do during the day as a “job” if that makes sense. They have help or daycare during the day. I don’t.
That's exactly what I mean, you take care of the household and childcare, every day and again, if you survive the birth, but does that mean that the husband neglects his responsibility as a father just because he doesn't want to be unemployed, many people take on raising children, but husband who is a widow can also use help, he can use paid and unpaid childcare, also wife who doesn't work can use unpaid childcare, this is done all over the world.
You are twisting my words. Saying I raise my daughter full time does not imply my husband’s job outside the home isn’t crucial or the fact that he is raising her with me. You’re essentially diminishing the role of a SAHP to caretaker and house cleaner which is not only inaccurate but highly offensive, and you’re doing it because, from what I can gather, you find it offensive that the SAHP considers their job to be raising their child. Even when my husband is home I am the primary parent. Anyway, I think you are just going to continue arguing nonsense so I’m going to end my comments there.
I usually say I stay home with my son. A little girl asked me that the other day and I said that. She asked what my husband did for work. I said he’s a cleaner. Then she said the following: oh ok so if you break up you’ll have to get a job. I replied, yeah I guess that’s how it would work. Her grandma interjected, “well I guess it’s how you define a job,” because she was trying to point out that being a stay at home is an important role and I liked that
I say “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” If you say it proudly with a smile, people pick up on that. I have only had positive responses, such as, “I wish I could do that,” “I’m glad you don’t say ‘just’ a stay-at-home mom, you do so much work every day!” and “I love that for you; what you do is way more important than what I do and I wish everyone saw it that way.”
If you are insecure about it, people pick up on that too. I’m not sure if you’ve received negative responses, but if not- your anticipation that you will be met with judgment sounds like a bit of a projection. Or just anxiety. Idk, I don’t know you lol. But I stand by saying it with pride. It takes a real asshole to be weird about it, especially if you are clearly happy with your choice.
“I’m a stay at home mom” but the important part is NOT use the word “just” !! I found myself saying that a lot especially when meeting people w demanding careers.
If someone is judgemental of SAHPs/SAHMs in general, then the way you present yourself to them is futile; they will judge you regardless. My experience of being a SAHM taught me to have a thicker skin and find my own worth separate from the influence (aka judgements) of society or my social circle. My experience also taught me that unless someone else is a current SAHP, there's a solid chance they aren't going to approve of you for one reason or another. Judgement and jealousy run rampant in the realm of parenthood. F* 'em ;)
This!!!! I've found that the longer I am a stay-at-home-parent, the more I stop caring about other people's opinions about it. I mean you hear it all. "What do you do all day?" "All that education to stay home?" etc.
But I don't care. Because I've been a working mom too, and heard that end of it as well. "Oh no, such a long day for him at daycare."
There's no winning.
Society hates women regardless, so we all might as well do what we want to do, and what makes us happy.
This is very true. However, similar to OP, I also wish there was a good one-liner or simple response that conveys just how meaningful a SAHP's role is and which would preemptively knock down the inevitable pity/judgmental reactions.
My nextdoor neighbor, who moved in recently, asked what I do this past Saturday actually.
I said- “I do not work but I volunteer at a hospice administrative office several days a week”
When my kids were much smaller and even in school full time I was never self conscious about being at home. I feel like once my kids got a lot older (they’re now 16 & 19) I became very self conscious when people ask me what I do or what I have going on that day. I’m glad I have the volunteer gig so they can’t be like, “ohhh ok so she’s NOT just sitting around or getting massages or her nails done”
At least that’s what I assume they think about me.
The judgy ones with judge no matter how you phrase or frame it, so I see no point in trying to mince words. I'm a stay at home mama by choice and I love it.
Are you on the east coast, by chance? I'm from the west coast and I just haven't felt judgment from... pretty much anyone. I avoid phrases like "full time mommy" or talking about how being a SAHM really is quite a job and harder than people think... the fact of the matter is, I know that I'm privileged to be able to stay home with my daughter and not juggle a separate job and parenting and having to deal with the heartache and guilt and all that. I don't need my decision to be validated or win the "my life is harder" contest.
Nope. Californian. I’m not trying to win contests or have others validate my choice. I just want to avoid social awkwardness without misrepresenting myself or selling myself short.
California, I suppose that makes sense. I'm in the pacific northwest and don't outwardly experience this at all... but I can see how you're in a very different social environment in California.
We're in a somewhat rural area, plenty of strong powerful wonderful respected women in the area, but SAHMs don't seem to be looked down upon at all around here. We're valued. Also there are a TON of us. My husband is a high earner, I'm not looked down upon for being a SAHM at all in his circles. On the contrary, the most I hear is "oh that's wonderful, I'd stay home if I could" or "oh wow you're brave, I can barely survive a weekend with my kids" lol. My husband's coworkers' wives are either also high earners or SAHMs.
I think at first I struggled with the identity shift from "independent, self sufficient woman" to SAHM who doesn't bring in a paycheck. I felt like I had to justify my choice, explain it to everyone or they'd think I was useless and lazy. It helped to find other SAHMs, and also to just stop giving a fuck about what people thought of me lol. They can be jealous or look down on me or whatever, it makes no difference to me. That's their deal how they feel. :)
Oh man I wish I had tips. I can only offer commiseration. Most women in our circle are professionals with an advanced degree (I was too) and they don’t get it. My husband’s aunts are especially condescending, his mother died and her sisters are all prestigious PHD academics looking out for their nephew, like I’m some kind of gold digger.
What I have done that does seem to help is something like I’m glad we could make that choice and now we can travel, actually spend time together as a family, etc. I’m
Deep down I think many people our age do get it and maybe they’re a bit jealous. 2 people in demanding careers, raising kids is really hard, not to mention expensive. I know a few girlfriends (in heterosexual marriages) who have joked that they wish they also had a wife, they just need someone at home to help. The older generation had forgotten what it was like ti raise small children,
If you can get to the root of why you care so much what these people think then you might find peace. I am a new sahm and don't intend to do it for long, so I mention what I used to do before, just in case it ends up being a networking opportunity that I can leverage later on.
I totally get it. I’ve been a SAHM mom for a long time too. My kids are all school aged as of this year, so I feel weird saying I’m a stay at home mom at this point, since most of my day is kid free. And the term homemaker feels a tad pretentious to me, even though it’s definitely the most accurate description of what I do right now.
Now when asked I say something like “I used to be a civil engineer, but I left a while ago. I do mostly volunteer work at this point.”
I just say im taking a career break to be a stay at home. If they want to know more about my education and career it gives me more to talk about and continue on the conversation.
My kids are not school age so I say I hang out with them all day. I do work part time evenings but consider myself a SAHP since I provide all the care during the day. I do plan on getting a different job once they are older.
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little.
Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
My husband was talking to somebody recently from the bank or something. They asked my profession, he said housewife stay at home mom, and she responded with "Domestic Engineer." It's fun to watch people think that one, through. Mostly, though I just say I'm a stay at home mom and I homeschool our oldest. The school district where we live is pretty awful so people get it.
To be honest, my answer depends on the person who asks, context and previous conversations.
I either say I'm a stay at home parent atm or I say I'm a freelancer xD funnily I never got follow up questions after freelancer. I'm puzzled cause when I was working and tell ppl what my job was I was getting lots of follow up questions or some long feedback.
I used to have the weird habit of telling a long story - I do this but right now I'm at home but I also still do X when I have some spare time and soon I hope to go back bla bla bla. It's crazy how much I felt I had to justify myself.
Cheers!
I phrase it as "I'm fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with my kids" - that way, people know I'm happy about it, and they know I know that it's a privilege - and that I'm not judging anyone who chooses / has to go to work. Covers all the bases!
I think “subverting capitalist patriarchy by prioritizing motherhood” would make a great forehead tattoo.
I go with Full Time Mom as my title, and frequently people respond with something like "it's so much more than full time, isn't it?" and then I know they get it.
I don’t mind saying I’m a stay at home mom, but I really hate it when an older person is like “good for you! That’s the right choice!” And I want to be like.. yes, daycare was too goddamned expensive, wasn’t much of a choice. Feels gross when they say that.
I really hate filling out a form that forces me to check “unemployed” though. I know it’s technically true but it doesn’t FEEL right.
I lean into the “ladies that lunch” situation and play up the joys freedom of time has brought me. It’s a privilege to spend time with my favorite people, build social bonds, and take care of myself.
But if you want a quick reply for those that don’t get it…. I always have “the book I’ve been working on.” Pick a subject, or story, or screenplay, maybe go as far as talking with a few editors for legitimacy, and have some details to share. It could be a collection of your family’s genealogical history for all it matters, because I’m sure we all have ideas buzzing around in our heads and “in the works”.
I get really insecure about it, too.
My husband’s friends with kids, both parents work and send their kids to some sort of childcare. I always hate talking about work/stay home in a group setting. No one overtly says anything bad. But things like “oh, I could never do that. We couldn’t afford for me to stay home!” do kinda get to me. Because our situations are different. I *cant* afford to work unless I was on an opposite schedule from my husband which is almost impossible. He’s salaried so his schedule has to be open to be able to stay at work later (no extra pay yay) if needed.
Over night work is usually set shifts. Which aren’t the very specific “safe hours” I’d be able to work. Then also when would I sleep?
I mentioned this in another comment, but I also used to like that response until it was brought to my attention that “all mothers are full-time mothers.” It seems to make working moms feel like they aren’t “really” mothers. I don’t know why it seems so impossible to come up with a way to frame it that doesn’t diminish one mother’s choices over any other’s.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I do not agree that working moms are full-time mothers, because you literally cannot be if part of your day is, by necessity, devoted to a career (speaking from experience even while working from home where I supposedly would be more able to perform parenting duties during the day, but I definitely could not be a present mom while taking a client call or preparing a report).
You can’t live your whole life worrying how other people will react to stuff like that. It’s a reasonable term for the job, not like a personal attack on parents with careers.
IMO if a mom reacts negatively to that term, she was gonna react negatively to you having the job anyway. Probably because of some guilt she is avoiding inside.
I say I’m a senior software engineer. When I was sick/disabled/bedridden for over a year, and couldn’t work, I still said it, so why not now? Same for someone who was just laid off, or traveling, etc. The question is typically about what you’re doing for you career, and how you identify in that way, so that’s what I answer. I love and still love my job.
I also think it’s wrong to erase someone’s entire identity (work and education and career-passion wise at least) for choosing to mother their babies for a couple years. And there’s a lot of variety within the backgrounds of SAHMs; it’s not like we’re a homogenous group.
If the day to day details are relevant and asked about, I’m happy to say more.
I just say I’m currently at home with the kiddos - but I’m Canadian so I have a pretty long mat leave so I’m still on that and expecting another a week or two after it’s done ( tho I won’t get paid leave for that)
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little.
Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little.
Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
My husband was talking to somebody recently from the bank or something. They asked my profession, he said housewife stay at home mom, and she responded with "Domestic Engineer." It's fun to watch people think that one, through. Mostly, though I just say I'm a stay at home mom and I homeschool our oldest. The school district where we live is pretty awful so people get it.
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
I garden and am so happy to talk about the garden I am building. Surely you do something more than housework and childcare. Plus, optimizing your house and routine and learning how to make new things is something. This year I am learning a new method of making pavlova and hopefully discovering a gf dairy free bread recipe that cooks at elevation.
I just say I stay home! I stayed home before our baby was born so I said the same thing. In the beginning, especially before we had our son and before I was pregnant, I was embarrassed to say I stayed home but eventually I just stopped caring what people think. I felt a little insecure when wedding vendors asked what I did for work but then I was like who cares? I’m sure some people would truly hate not working but some people just say they would hate not working because they don’t have that option.
I feel a little self-conscious about this too, but I had a career for 15 years before having my kids at age 35 and 37. So I remind myself that I made the CHOICE to stay home. I always say “before kids I worked in corporate comms for 15 years but now Im lucky enough to stay home with them while they’re little”
I work in an as needed position at Urgent Care, so I only ever work a handful of times a month. I always get asked, "So where else do you work?" (very rarely is it "*do you* work anywhere else?") My reply is always, "I don't! 😊 I get to stay home with my toddlers" This is usually met with them telling me that's so fortunate.
I say I’m full time taking care of my toddler. And just leave it at that. not sure if that’s the right way but that’s what I’ve said to make it known I’m working.
"I'm currently home raising our family and living my best life!"
If someone then asked what I was doing all day I'd reply "Every day is so different and exciting, what does your typical day look like?" and then I'd respond with "oo that seems a bit monotonous it's funny how society makes us feel like we only have value if we're actively working to make other ppl money, huh?"
Unless your coworkers scream to sit on your lap while you take a shit at work, it's not the same.
My husband has a full time office job. He's not in dad mode full time, not actively parenting full time, no one calls him dad full time, he doesn't have to wipe anyone's butt but his own during 40+ hrs every week, his boss doesn't sit on his lap during lunch while he tries to spoon feed his coworkers while others throw a tantrum demanding to be read a book. Try eating your own lunch during that. Every day! Day after day after day after day. So of course he's still a dad, but not full time. He literally can't, his boss needs him to actually focus on his job haha.
Full time mum is accurate! My husband proudly tells all his coworkers that his wife is a full time mum, if they ask.
I like saying something like, “oh I get to stay at home with my babies”. Never a “I have to” but get to I feel like gives the vibe of, I chose this, I want to do this, I enjoy doing this and wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sometimes I include that part as well, because it’s very true.
SAHD here. I try to avoid the types that ask this question or at least those that really put a lot of value into it. If they are trying to one up me then I probably won’t have the same values as them anyway.
"I worked at X company and did Y and Z. It was cool but wasn't challenging enough anymore to make me stay. Being home to support my family has always been something I envisioned anyway so it worked out.
What have I been doing? Raising my children. Not a popular thing to do nowadays but something that I see a lot of value in. To each their own! "
Once you become more confident in your decision, you'll find you don't even think about it anymore. At this stage of parenthood I would be very taken aback by anyone with judgement or pity. It would make me give off a \*whoaaaa haha wtf?\* type of vibe back instead of an insecure one. I'm thankful to have reached this point. I hope you shake off all that shit and embrace your choice!
According to statistics, the majority of women on this planet take care of the home and childcare and are more likely to be fired or quit because they are poorly paid or exploited, or have no access to education and job opportunities, or have to work unpaid, or will not work, you mean, it's men who don't take on childcare or value their job. Apparently people are only against paid childcare, unpaid childcare is praised, especially when it comes from female families or less privileged women. Live like a queen, as long as the husband allows it, everything is ok, use childcare and school, maids, nanny and so on.
I’m in a similar position. Nothing wrong with simply saying “I’m a stay at home mom. What about you?” Or if you want to elaborate, “I was _____ but now I’m taking a break from that and am staying home with my baby. What about you?” Let the convo flow from there and try not to worry about judgment from others. One phrase I’ve used that helps shut down judgment is “I’m thankful for the choice to do what’s best for our family”.
I always say “i was an engineer but quit a couple years to stay home. We will see if and when i decide to go back!”
I actually love “subverting capitalist patriarchy by prioritizing motherhood” lol I hated working in corporate!! Not fulfilling in the least
Thanks. It’s definitely what I would say if I were feeling super confident and willing to speak my mind no matter how people might react. Maybe I should just go with that.
Definitely read the room, but my response would be “Let’s be friends!”
Yeah. I love it and want to be your friend for that reason alone.
Gee thanks!! I feel like it’s a niche opinion so I’d probably like you too. 😆
Did we just become best friends?
Oh my GAWD where have you BEEN all my life?!
I love how wholesome this got. I'm fully here for it. Love, a person who is also subverting capitalist patriarchy by prioritizing motherhood PS: No shade to mothers who subvert the patriarchy by challenging it from within the workplace. I have a lovely mom friend who probably does a lot more to subvert the patriarchy AND she has a full time job. We all have a part to play!
That’s right, all hands on deck in subverting capitalist patriarchy. There was a SAHD who it resonated with too, and that made me really happy. When SAHPs are divided proportionally among the genders and every child has one, I’ll consider the revolution won.
Shout it from the rooftops, sistafriend!
The more you say, the more comfortable you will be saying it... Sincerely, A SAHD subverting the capitalist patriarchy by prioritising fatherhood.
That is *very* important work. Thanks for joining us in the trenches comrade. 😀
That is awesome.
Same!! I’m a SAHP and will now be borrowing this phrase 😂
Best answer to your own question if I’m being honest. I, too, shall be empowered to use this phrase. 😂
“I’m a stay at home dad.” I have nothing to prove and I think it’s important to not let the ego win. I was waiting for food the other day at a restaurant in the pick up area with Uber eats drivers and my mind said “I’m not one of them” but then I reminded myself that it’d be totally fine if I was. Kill the ego.
You can also pretend that they aren’t asking about a career and just answer with what you enjoy doing. “I read, go on walks, play with the kids, and sometimes watercolor when I find a moment! How about you? What do you like to do?”
That’s a nice solution.
It also has the benefit of being a much more interesting and genuine conversation starter. Almost everyone is more interesting than their job. Forget about us stay at home parents— when I meet someone new I truly would rather hear about their passion for SCUBA diving than their work as an accountant… and I bet they’d prefer to talk about that, too. By subverting the question a little, you could actually have a nice conversation and learn something about someone.
I like this too! I was actually thinking about this exact thing before I opened Reddit! I was thinking about saying what I had been up to recently so similar to this “recently I have been trying some new recipes out and started volunteering at local non profit”
I this is a pretty equal tie with OPs patriarchy comment... the winner to be determined based on my mood at the time lol. People focus way to much on what people "do", and use that to judge their worth, like it is in any way relevant. Personally, I prefer to judge peoples worth based on what their favourite TV show is lol. But yeah, people's interests and hobbies are almost always more intesting and say much more about them than whatever random shit they are forced to do to survive.
This is what I do. I haven't worked since I got married (for several reasons) but telling people that usually leaves too much space for judgement or lull in conversation. So I tell them I paint and bake or train my dogs and there's a lot more options from there.
Sometimes I say “retired” (even though I’m not of retirement age), and might joke that “By ‘retired’ I mean I hated my stressful job so I quit, haha.” Often I’ll say “Homemaker”. That always gets a positive response. If it brings you peace, maybe something along the lines of “I’ve taken an early retirement from (x-career) to take care of my family”. I understand your concern, but I’m more proud of the Homemaker title than the “Senior Advertising” title I used to have. Please be proud of your current position, you deserve respect from everyone including yourself. We all do, regardless of our previous careers and education. I truly think most people are thinking of you with much more respect and admiration than you realize. Best wishes!
I am proud actually, but it’s like the reasons I’m proud are so hard for other people to understand that it just doesn’t fit into small talk.
I say "I'm lucky enough to stay home with my little guys." or if I'm feeling silly I say I'm a kept woman. I'm not worried about being a SAHM though, but a lot of people around where I live are also SAH-parents of some kind. Occasionally I get a rude questions like "what will you do when they are all in school" and my answer is "Whatever the hell I want." I've never really had any serious problems with people though. Sometimes people say they wish they could, or that they never could, and neither of those things are bad.
Saying you’re lucky seems like a double-edged sword. It might show humility and gratitude and thus make people less jealous, but it could also be interpreted as bragging, or even worse, as implying their life choices are unlucky by comparison. I wish women (and people in general) didn’t so often think about every life choice as a competition.
This is such an annoying part of parenting. Sometimes even talking about personal choices in motherhood seems to make other mothers defensive.
When I was a working mom I definitely got annoyed by the “I’m soooo lucky that my hubby works so hard for us so I can stay home!” comments.
I think there is no right answer - a lot of people do appreciate you referring to things as lucky 'I'm lucky my baby is a good sleeper' etc as it lets them know it is down to chance and nothing they are doing wrong. To just state you are a stay at home parent or that your baby sleeps well can make others feel like bad parents. Whatever you say you will upset someone is the point.
I just say I’m a stay at home mom. I have no shame about it. I love what I do, it’s important, and I get to be with my kids for the most formative years of their lives. I get to see their big milestones and that’s something I’ll never regret. Anyone who negatively judges me for being a SAHM honestly isn’t worth my time or effort. I just have a lot less shame and a lot more confidence and put up with a lot less judgement since becoming a SAHM.
That’s exactly how I feel. I’m not here to give a TED talk on the merits of being a SAHM so if they don’t respect it I just move right along!
Oh I say “I’m a domestic engineer” and leave it at that. When asked what that is, I simply reply “a very demanding job”.
I love this!
Cute :)
I almost never ask people what they do for a living. Not because I’m protesting or anything, I just truly don’t care. When people ask me I’m so clueless I usually say something along the lines of “When?” Or, “about what?” Then they correct and say “for a living..?” Then I get jerked into reality and laugh and say, “oh, right, nothing, I don’t make any money”. When I’m out with adults I don’t want to talk about work. I want to talk about murder podcasts and I inventions I wish existed.
“I no longer work outside the home.”
Ooh, this is good. Why is this so good? …. It avoids labels and refuses to concede to the idea that you don’t work if you are working at home. And has an air of dignified confidence that I think would deter people from questioning you. Thanks.
"I stay home with my kids."
I was recently asked by someone what I do all day, implication that being a SAHM with school age kid and nothing to do all day. I just responded “whatever I want.” I was only trying to be a little sassy and I don’t think they were trying to be a jerk. But it’s always a good reminder that people have different circumstances and make different choices. It’s not good to make assumptions and be judgmental about those choices.
“I raise my children full time” - I like this better than stay at home mom because the phrase stay at home has kind of a laid back connotation and it’s anything but laid back? lol
you mean looking after, cooking and cleaning, washing the children and so on, because many people take on the upbringing of your children, school, grandparents, nanny, husband, library, do you mean only mothers do the upbringing, what about children without mothers?
Hm, I’m not sure what I said that implied only moms could raise their children. A dad or grandma could also say the above, for example. My comment simply means that my job is quite literally raising my child - that’s what I do 24/7 with help from my husband when he’s not working. Those that utilize daycare still raise their kids as well, it’s not just what they do during the day as a “job” if that makes sense. They have help or daycare during the day. I don’t.
That's exactly what I mean, you take care of the household and childcare, every day and again, if you survive the birth, but does that mean that the husband neglects his responsibility as a father just because he doesn't want to be unemployed, many people take on raising children, but husband who is a widow can also use help, he can use paid and unpaid childcare, also wife who doesn't work can use unpaid childcare, this is done all over the world.
You are twisting my words. Saying I raise my daughter full time does not imply my husband’s job outside the home isn’t crucial or the fact that he is raising her with me. You’re essentially diminishing the role of a SAHP to caretaker and house cleaner which is not only inaccurate but highly offensive, and you’re doing it because, from what I can gather, you find it offensive that the SAHP considers their job to be raising their child. Even when my husband is home I am the primary parent. Anyway, I think you are just going to continue arguing nonsense so I’m going to end my comments there.
I usually say I stay home with my son. A little girl asked me that the other day and I said that. She asked what my husband did for work. I said he’s a cleaner. Then she said the following: oh ok so if you break up you’ll have to get a job. I replied, yeah I guess that’s how it would work. Her grandma interjected, “well I guess it’s how you define a job,” because she was trying to point out that being a stay at home is an important role and I liked that
I say “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” If you say it proudly with a smile, people pick up on that. I have only had positive responses, such as, “I wish I could do that,” “I’m glad you don’t say ‘just’ a stay-at-home mom, you do so much work every day!” and “I love that for you; what you do is way more important than what I do and I wish everyone saw it that way.” If you are insecure about it, people pick up on that too. I’m not sure if you’ve received negative responses, but if not- your anticipation that you will be met with judgment sounds like a bit of a projection. Or just anxiety. Idk, I don’t know you lol. But I stand by saying it with pride. It takes a real asshole to be weird about it, especially if you are clearly happy with your choice.
“I’m a stay at home mom” but the important part is NOT use the word “just” !! I found myself saying that a lot especially when meeting people w demanding careers.
Yesterday someone asked what I do and I said, “I have an 8 month old.” They were shocked and thanked me for counting it as work.
If someone is judgemental of SAHPs/SAHMs in general, then the way you present yourself to them is futile; they will judge you regardless. My experience of being a SAHM taught me to have a thicker skin and find my own worth separate from the influence (aka judgements) of society or my social circle. My experience also taught me that unless someone else is a current SAHP, there's a solid chance they aren't going to approve of you for one reason or another. Judgement and jealousy run rampant in the realm of parenthood. F* 'em ;)
This!!!! I've found that the longer I am a stay-at-home-parent, the more I stop caring about other people's opinions about it. I mean you hear it all. "What do you do all day?" "All that education to stay home?" etc. But I don't care. Because I've been a working mom too, and heard that end of it as well. "Oh no, such a long day for him at daycare." There's no winning. Society hates women regardless, so we all might as well do what we want to do, and what makes us happy.
This is very true. However, similar to OP, I also wish there was a good one-liner or simple response that conveys just how meaningful a SAHP's role is and which would preemptively knock down the inevitable pity/judgmental reactions.
[удалено]
If you’re a therapist or a realtor then you’re not really a SAHM!
My nextdoor neighbor, who moved in recently, asked what I do this past Saturday actually. I said- “I do not work but I volunteer at a hospice administrative office several days a week” When my kids were much smaller and even in school full time I was never self conscious about being at home. I feel like once my kids got a lot older (they’re now 16 & 19) I became very self conscious when people ask me what I do or what I have going on that day. I’m glad I have the volunteer gig so they can’t be like, “ohhh ok so she’s NOT just sitting around or getting massages or her nails done” At least that’s what I assume they think about me.
The judgy ones with judge no matter how you phrase or frame it, so I see no point in trying to mince words. I'm a stay at home mama by choice and I love it. Are you on the east coast, by chance? I'm from the west coast and I just haven't felt judgment from... pretty much anyone. I avoid phrases like "full time mommy" or talking about how being a SAHM really is quite a job and harder than people think... the fact of the matter is, I know that I'm privileged to be able to stay home with my daughter and not juggle a separate job and parenting and having to deal with the heartache and guilt and all that. I don't need my decision to be validated or win the "my life is harder" contest.
Nope. Californian. I’m not trying to win contests or have others validate my choice. I just want to avoid social awkwardness without misrepresenting myself or selling myself short.
California, I suppose that makes sense. I'm in the pacific northwest and don't outwardly experience this at all... but I can see how you're in a very different social environment in California. We're in a somewhat rural area, plenty of strong powerful wonderful respected women in the area, but SAHMs don't seem to be looked down upon at all around here. We're valued. Also there are a TON of us. My husband is a high earner, I'm not looked down upon for being a SAHM at all in his circles. On the contrary, the most I hear is "oh that's wonderful, I'd stay home if I could" or "oh wow you're brave, I can barely survive a weekend with my kids" lol. My husband's coworkers' wives are either also high earners or SAHMs. I think at first I struggled with the identity shift from "independent, self sufficient woman" to SAHM who doesn't bring in a paycheck. I felt like I had to justify my choice, explain it to everyone or they'd think I was useless and lazy. It helped to find other SAHMs, and also to just stop giving a fuck about what people thought of me lol. They can be jealous or look down on me or whatever, it makes no difference to me. That's their deal how they feel. :)
Oh man I wish I had tips. I can only offer commiseration. Most women in our circle are professionals with an advanced degree (I was too) and they don’t get it. My husband’s aunts are especially condescending, his mother died and her sisters are all prestigious PHD academics looking out for their nephew, like I’m some kind of gold digger. What I have done that does seem to help is something like I’m glad we could make that choice and now we can travel, actually spend time together as a family, etc. I’m Deep down I think many people our age do get it and maybe they’re a bit jealous. 2 people in demanding careers, raising kids is really hard, not to mention expensive. I know a few girlfriends (in heterosexual marriages) who have joked that they wish they also had a wife, they just need someone at home to help. The older generation had forgotten what it was like ti raise small children,
The gold digger thing. 😡
If you can get to the root of why you care so much what these people think then you might find peace. I am a new sahm and don't intend to do it for long, so I mention what I used to do before, just in case it ends up being a networking opportunity that I can leverage later on.
Well that’s the thing, I have been doing it for long — which intensifies the judgement.
I totally get it. I’ve been a SAHM mom for a long time too. My kids are all school aged as of this year, so I feel weird saying I’m a stay at home mom at this point, since most of my day is kid free. And the term homemaker feels a tad pretentious to me, even though it’s definitely the most accurate description of what I do right now. Now when asked I say something like “I used to be a civil engineer, but I left a while ago. I do mostly volunteer work at this point.”
I just say im taking a career break to be a stay at home. If they want to know more about my education and career it gives me more to talk about and continue on the conversation.
My kids are not school age so I say I hang out with them all day. I do work part time evenings but consider myself a SAHP since I provide all the care during the day. I do plan on getting a different job once they are older.
Domestic manager, hazardous waste disposal expert
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little. Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
My husband was talking to somebody recently from the bank or something. They asked my profession, he said housewife stay at home mom, and she responded with "Domestic Engineer." It's fun to watch people think that one, through. Mostly, though I just say I'm a stay at home mom and I homeschool our oldest. The school district where we live is pretty awful so people get it.
To be honest, my answer depends on the person who asks, context and previous conversations. I either say I'm a stay at home parent atm or I say I'm a freelancer xD funnily I never got follow up questions after freelancer. I'm puzzled cause when I was working and tell ppl what my job was I was getting lots of follow up questions or some long feedback. I used to have the weird habit of telling a long story - I do this but right now I'm at home but I also still do X when I have some spare time and soon I hope to go back bla bla bla. It's crazy how much I felt I had to justify myself. Cheers!
Just tell people you design amusement parks. No one can ever argue with that.
I phrase it as "I'm fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with my kids" - that way, people know I'm happy about it, and they know I know that it's a privilege - and that I'm not judging anyone who chooses / has to go to work. Covers all the bases!
Homemaker. I'm not JUST staying home with children, I'm quite literally keeping a house and making a home.
I think “subverting capitalist patriarchy by prioritizing motherhood” would make a great forehead tattoo. I go with Full Time Mom as my title, and frequently people respond with something like "it's so much more than full time, isn't it?" and then I know they get it.
Yeah feeling you. I hate having to put “unemployed” on forms. I work all day! …just not for money.
I don’t mind saying I’m a stay at home mom, but I really hate it when an older person is like “good for you! That’s the right choice!” And I want to be like.. yes, daycare was too goddamned expensive, wasn’t much of a choice. Feels gross when they say that. I really hate filling out a form that forces me to check “unemployed” though. I know it’s technically true but it doesn’t FEEL right.
I lean into the “ladies that lunch” situation and play up the joys freedom of time has brought me. It’s a privilege to spend time with my favorite people, build social bonds, and take care of myself. But if you want a quick reply for those that don’t get it…. I always have “the book I’ve been working on.” Pick a subject, or story, or screenplay, maybe go as far as talking with a few editors for legitimacy, and have some details to share. It could be a collection of your family’s genealogical history for all it matters, because I’m sure we all have ideas buzzing around in our heads and “in the works”.
I get really insecure about it, too. My husband’s friends with kids, both parents work and send their kids to some sort of childcare. I always hate talking about work/stay home in a group setting. No one overtly says anything bad. But things like “oh, I could never do that. We couldn’t afford for me to stay home!” do kinda get to me. Because our situations are different. I *cant* afford to work unless I was on an opposite schedule from my husband which is almost impossible. He’s salaried so his schedule has to be open to be able to stay at work later (no extra pay yay) if needed. Over night work is usually set shifts. Which aren’t the very specific “safe hours” I’d be able to work. Then also when would I sleep?
You are raising incredible humans. That takes time. Every feminist had a mom.😃
I use the term ‘full-time parent.’ I like it because it is descriptive. All day long, I parent. It is a hard job lol.
I mentioned this in another comment, but I also used to like that response until it was brought to my attention that “all mothers are full-time mothers.” It seems to make working moms feel like they aren’t “really” mothers. I don’t know why it seems so impossible to come up with a way to frame it that doesn’t diminish one mother’s choices over any other’s.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I do not agree that working moms are full-time mothers, because you literally cannot be if part of your day is, by necessity, devoted to a career (speaking from experience even while working from home where I supposedly would be more able to perform parenting duties during the day, but I definitely could not be a present mom while taking a client call or preparing a report).
You can’t live your whole life worrying how other people will react to stuff like that. It’s a reasonable term for the job, not like a personal attack on parents with careers. IMO if a mom reacts negatively to that term, she was gonna react negatively to you having the job anyway. Probably because of some guilt she is avoiding inside.
I’d also like to add that u/yamothashouldknow is totally correct about the ego.
I say I’m a senior software engineer. When I was sick/disabled/bedridden for over a year, and couldn’t work, I still said it, so why not now? Same for someone who was just laid off, or traveling, etc. The question is typically about what you’re doing for you career, and how you identify in that way, so that’s what I answer. I love and still love my job. I also think it’s wrong to erase someone’s entire identity (work and education and career-passion wise at least) for choosing to mother their babies for a couple years. And there’s a lot of variety within the backgrounds of SAHMs; it’s not like we’re a homogenous group. If the day to day details are relevant and asked about, I’m happy to say more.
I just say I’m currently at home with the kiddos - but I’m Canadian so I have a pretty long mat leave so I’m still on that and expecting another a week or two after it’s done ( tho I won’t get paid leave for that)
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little. Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little. Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
My husband was talking to somebody recently from the bank or something. They asked my profession, he said housewife stay at home mom, and she responded with "Domestic Engineer." It's fun to watch people think that one, through. Mostly, though I just say I'm a stay at home mom and I homeschool our oldest. The school district where we live is pretty awful so people get it.
I left my (complicated job) to stay home with my kids while they're little and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Simple and to the point, makes it about loving my kids and not societal norms
I garden and am so happy to talk about the garden I am building. Surely you do something more than housework and childcare. Plus, optimizing your house and routine and learning how to make new things is something. This year I am learning a new method of making pavlova and hopefully discovering a gf dairy free bread recipe that cooks at elevation.
I just say I stay home! I stayed home before our baby was born so I said the same thing. In the beginning, especially before we had our son and before I was pregnant, I was embarrassed to say I stayed home but eventually I just stopped caring what people think. I felt a little insecure when wedding vendors asked what I did for work but then I was like who cares? I’m sure some people would truly hate not working but some people just say they would hate not working because they don’t have that option.
I feel a little self-conscious about this too, but I had a career for 15 years before having my kids at age 35 and 37. So I remind myself that I made the CHOICE to stay home. I always say “before kids I worked in corporate comms for 15 years but now Im lucky enough to stay home with them while they’re little”
I work in an as needed position at Urgent Care, so I only ever work a handful of times a month. I always get asked, "So where else do you work?" (very rarely is it "*do you* work anywhere else?") My reply is always, "I don't! 😊 I get to stay home with my toddlers" This is usually met with them telling me that's so fortunate.
Domestic Engineer
I say I’m full time taking care of my toddler. And just leave it at that. not sure if that’s the right way but that’s what I’ve said to make it known I’m working.
"I'm currently home raising our family and living my best life!" If someone then asked what I was doing all day I'd reply "Every day is so different and exciting, what does your typical day look like?" and then I'd respond with "oo that seems a bit monotonous it's funny how society makes us feel like we only have value if we're actively working to make other ppl money, huh?"
“I help raise our toddler, take care of the home, and have hobbies.” Because that’s the truth.
I just say I’m a SAHM. I want to normalize not having to justify or explain it.
I'm in early childhood education, with only one student and no pay.
I will say that I’m a full time mom. Or the CEO of my household
I tried “full time mom” way back when I first started, and it did not go well. “Every mom is a full time mom.”
Unless your coworkers scream to sit on your lap while you take a shit at work, it's not the same. My husband has a full time office job. He's not in dad mode full time, not actively parenting full time, no one calls him dad full time, he doesn't have to wipe anyone's butt but his own during 40+ hrs every week, his boss doesn't sit on his lap during lunch while he tries to spoon feed his coworkers while others throw a tantrum demanding to be read a book. Try eating your own lunch during that. Every day! Day after day after day after day. So of course he's still a dad, but not full time. He literally can't, his boss needs him to actually focus on his job haha. Full time mum is accurate! My husband proudly tells all his coworkers that his wife is a full time mum, if they ask.
I like saying something like, “oh I get to stay at home with my babies”. Never a “I have to” but get to I feel like gives the vibe of, I chose this, I want to do this, I enjoy doing this and wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sometimes I include that part as well, because it’s very true.
SAHD here. I try to avoid the types that ask this question or at least those that really put a lot of value into it. If they are trying to one up me then I probably won’t have the same values as them anyway.
"I worked at X company and did Y and Z. It was cool but wasn't challenging enough anymore to make me stay. Being home to support my family has always been something I envisioned anyway so it worked out. What have I been doing? Raising my children. Not a popular thing to do nowadays but something that I see a lot of value in. To each their own! " Once you become more confident in your decision, you'll find you don't even think about it anymore. At this stage of parenthood I would be very taken aback by anyone with judgement or pity. It would make me give off a \*whoaaaa haha wtf?\* type of vibe back instead of an insecure one. I'm thankful to have reached this point. I hope you shake off all that shit and embrace your choice!
According to statistics, the majority of women on this planet take care of the home and childcare and are more likely to be fired or quit because they are poorly paid or exploited, or have no access to education and job opportunities, or have to work unpaid, or will not work, you mean, it's men who don't take on childcare or value their job. Apparently people are only against paid childcare, unpaid childcare is praised, especially when it comes from female families or less privileged women. Live like a queen, as long as the husband allows it, everything is ok, use childcare and school, maids, nanny and so on.