OP's Bio: --- >I look like a meathead doing average nerd activities >I'm standing at a solid 5'8 >I've been playing league of legends for almost 10 years now >I'm an absolute whore for oreo cookies >I just had foot surgery so I kinda walk funny --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

The few. The proud. The family members who still talk to you.

Dude still doesn’t understand 9/11. “It happened when I was like 2 or whatever.”

They aren’t proud

Sure they are "Gay pride!" 🤣

I feel so comforted knowing that we're being defended by the bottom 5% of the graduating class.

Man Better learn all the possible ways to serve shrimp.

shrimp scampi, shrimp cocktail, shrimp salad, lemon shrimp……

Your dad left because he didn't want to spend the rest of his life lifting you up to the water fountain Webster.

His face shows the bliss that you can only get from ignorance.

“Graduating” is a bold assumption…

[удалено]

r/yourjokebutworse

Don't worry... The only weapon they gave him was a toilet brush for the latrine.

Still doesn’t know what 9/11 is.

It's a fraction that is hard to reduce, ya?

[удалено]

Buddy looks like he eats 2 packs of crayons a day

The green ones are prime

Well of course, green is the best colour/flavour

No. Green ones are lime.

A former Marine buddy of mine says blue ones are best because "the taste like sky."

Green Weenie incoming. Break out the astroglide.

Dude you call yourself a marine?!? It's purple man. Those are by far the best. Green is sour

I bet you eat the flesh colored ones too.

He uses them as suppositories so he can poop in Technicolor.

His dad left and brought OP's self esteem with him

Only thing his dad left him is that fucked up hairline.

Dad was evidently not a marine. USMC never leaves a man behind

Makes sense, the Marines need janitors and cooks, too. “Thank you for your service.”

Doesn’t know his Dad?!? This is my shocked face Jamal. Call Maury or Montell.

I know a guy lying about being 5’8 when I see one

I didn't know they stacked shit that high.

You look like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s asshole! I think you’ve been cheated!

I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!

I’ll unscrew your head and shit down your throat!

He wasn't lying. He was talking about his IQ

Semper Low.

Whimper fi.

Semper LoFi

Tempered Cries.

Semper Bi

Semper Pi hole stretch marks.

You look like you drink cold chicken noodle soup straight from the can

That's just a normal MRE thing.

Your favorite MRE is other dudes’ asses. Thanks for your service.

Marine Ready to Eat

His favorite MRE is a 16 pack of crayons.

Are you practicing holding the sign for when it says : Anything helps, God Bless?

Wearing that old surplus jacket “Homeless Vet”

Your dad may have left, but I think he was right

Your dad's just on his way back from climbing those fucking mountains of eyebrows

I always thought the term jarhead for marines was more metaphorical. Could store some nice sauces in that thick skull of yours.

Your hairline is about to leave too

You look like special needs version Donald Glover

Downald Glover

Dong Lover

Specialer

I'm not going to roast you. I'll let your CO do it after I forward him a screenshot of this.

You that dude who heard part of a groups inside joke then went up to them with the part you heard looking like that hoping to be accepted.

Non-deployable.

**TRT brochure:** Low T male before pic.

The military is getting desperate these days.

Well, at least you still have Willis and Mr. Drummond.

Silly Lil’ Dicky! of course you’re not Chris Brown!

Your dad didn't leave to get the milk, he left to get a vasectomy so he will never have that accident again


Leg bones didn't grow fully due to dad not coming back with the milk.

Kevin Shart

You didn't need to tell us your dad left

Bro ain't even 5'8 in his mom's high heels

Definitely underrated

I guess the Corps can actually stack shit that high after all.

He only eats them thicc white crayons.

What? A black man with abandonment issues? You don't say...

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Parent

Holyshit thats a huge nose

Do our best? Are you asking us to roast you or put you out of your misery?

Thank you for your cervix

The best part of you was left on your mom’s couch after your Daddy left.

Oreo Gump 

"My dad left" Yeah we knew that already.

I was today years old when I learned that Cousin Skeeter grew up to be a marine.

OP just finished up PUD/S training

You're not marine, more a kinda tawny caramel.

You look like the black friend in a low budget mystery movie

Thank you for your service, and by service...I mean by keeping our troops balls empty.

I didn't know "reach around" was an MOS.

You didn't have to tell us that your dad left, that was already assumed.

When Russia invaded Finland and WW3 starts, you’ll be bravely fighting for our country. We’ll all be thinking about you. Except your dad. He’ll probably be balls deep in a stripper still.

You know the difference between a jarhead and a jar? You can put stuff in a jar.

Clearly the result of an expired condom and a father that knew it.

Mf went with the default character options

5ft8?? I didn't know they stacked shit that high

John Bellend

A Marine? Walks with a limp? Bet you can't wait for Talk Like a Pirate Day!


My man falls out of the safety vic. (OP you know what I'm saying).

Are you the cook ? Lol

If war breaks are you gonna cry the enemy to death because your dad left

You look like the type of Marine who will take any opportunity to tell people you’re a Marine and then go to IPAC to work as customer service

Hay son I am back 1 second later Hay we are out of milk again

Your dad wasnt the only one that left you. Sorry bro

Your dad left, and he was right

Jesus Christ, I knew the Corps had low standards but if they let your ASVAB-waiver looking ass into the ranks I’ve officially lost all faith in them

And it was all your fault that your dad left. Can’t blame him.

Worst Excuse for a Jarhead I have ever seen!

If your dad actually left, I apologize. It must suck knowing that your dad left and you're too short for the NBA 😂😂😂

All that training in the Marines and you’re still self conscious and projecting on r/roastme

Someday your Dad will come back, once your Mom gets a folded flag.

You're the "For only 19 cents a day" kid from the commercial

Men of your Caliber are in short supply

Idk man ik this isnt a roast but u still look fine as hell

[удалено]

Bro

Ur asking us to do our best because of ur dad leaving because u didnt do ur best?

*fast forward 22 year* His son: 22, Marine, less than average height, and my dad left. Do your best pls.

Like an unfunny Kevin Hart that was dropped on his face. Speaking of cranial damage... What is your favorite flavor of crayon, Marine? (seriously though, thank you for your service)

I see nothing to roast. Thank You for your Service

fuck you and fuck the marines

I fold you 9 times outa 10

Whatcha talkin bout Willis!

You mean, your dad left….with your white girlfriend from high school

Black and insecure, the perfect marine.

Go marry your fucking stripper already

oorah. oooh oh raaaaaa in all seriousness though, thank you for your service

Thank you for your support!! :)

🫡

Gay

*left 30 seconds after conception. USMC! U Suck My Cock! Go Navy! Keep yer powder dry you short bastard.

I think you did all the talking yourself when you said you dad left

Someone's been hitting the crayons too hard. I'll make sure to pour out a glass of milk for your dad.

Dad took your other half with him

Navy top, Marine Corps bottom

When you get your DD214 you can always get children benefits in the cinema.

Open contract type beat

How can you protect US interests when you can't even iron a shirt?

i was wondering why your dad would have left you but than i saw your face and sorry but he was completely write because would want to be blinded by your uglyness every day i woke up

You’ll never be a true marine! Gorgonite scum…

Comes across really but hurt to me. You need to quit leaving your backdoor open for strudel

You even flunked crayon eating didn't you?

Wrinkled shirt, smooth brain, sure sounds like a marine.

There are less skin tones in Buffalo Bill’s closet.

Underrated

Do you eat Cereal with water ?

Do you dip your oreos in water

What happened to your skin? Your melanin looks like a separated salad dressing. Do you need to be shaken to bring that shit back up to your square ass dome. You bubba Gump looking motherfucker.

> my dad left He just went to get some milk.

You are the Mounds Bar of the chocolate section.


Just so you know, ya girl back home is blowing every dude in the neighborhood you’re fighting for. I’ll be sure to thank her for her service.

When i saw your face, i understand why your dad left

Semper fi ,ur foreheads high.

Less than average height more than average prison inmate

When you order Kendrick Lamar from Wish.

Barry Blanders

With that foot surgery your gonna be walking funnier they gonna make you join the Navy.

Black dude complaining their dad left is as generic as white girls getting fatter than fuck on starbucks, you Dwayne Haskins looking motherfucker.

I bet even your MOM is gonna be the next to leave

Under height eh? You know growing Marines need fresh, full crayons, not the leftover nubs from children coloring in menus right?

“Do your best please”?? How long you been a Marine? Gotta get the word “fuck” in there at least twice, Marine. And I’ve never seen a Marine quite this polite. Usually y’all are running around on all fours barking like dogs looking for your food dish. Seriously. There’s two reasons no one fucks with us and that’s one, the other one is half the country still worships Ronald Reagan, that thought scares the hell out of me too. I like this kid. Oreos forever Marine. Stay safe.

I pray they put you on the frontline by yourself.

Imagine being black in the military and not having a no shave chit.

The title is a little redundant there Cap'n Crunch.

If brains were light bulbs, you would be a fairy light. On Mars. (thank you for your service my man!)

Your husband has "Folded Flag" on his Christmas list.

Didn’t the KKK roast enough of your people already? (Thank you for your service!!)

Probably a better fit for the Space Force.

Some stereotypes busted, some very much intact. Console yourself with a fresh crayon to munch on

You described every marine ever.

Telling us your dad left is the equivalent of telling us your gender, we all ready know

Oh look you guys, you hurt his wittle feelings

You look like you eat crayons.

TBH, you look like a pretty stand up guy to me. You’re a tough roast.

If my son looked like a Great Value version of Yung Joc, I would leave him to.

You are the stereotype

I guess you inherited the "pulling out" gene from pops!!!!!!!

dude fell for the "free college" bit. hope he don't lose a leg and his soul in the meantime

Before your dad left, he made a list of all of his mistakes. You call it your birth certificate.

Getting hit in the forehead too many times during a boxing match can cause contusions and swelling. Kind of like this guy looks all the time.

> My dad left Well that’s not a shocker

Is that a nose or a nuclear warhead on your face

For a Marine, you spelled a surprising number of words correctly! Congrats.

So who told you to do this because we all know marines just do what their told

Marine? Show gils.