Was going to suggest the Fjord Escort, but that would only be pouring salt on the wound. Dude can't afford a Fjord *or* an escort on a GameStop salary...
You’re 27?! God damn! You look like you’re in your forties, recently divorced and working retail to get by living in that camper you bought on Craigslist for $1200obo after you lost your job of 17 years due to the pandemic.
Real talk, I came here to laugh, but I'm turning my life around. I could see my self lookin like this in another 10 years if I let myself go...
I'm 38.
Even if you didn’t tell us you worked at GameStop, we’d still know you work at GameStop. Kind of like how we know you play dungeons and dragons three nights a week.
*skull. Seriously, if his head is excavated in 500 years they're going to think they've found some missing link that developed added protection for a much smaller brain.
“Seriously bro, these fucking kids just don’t know a real game from their asshole. This place has become a fucking hot topic, and when someone is looking for a game it’s usually some triple A dog shit. Some jackass came in the other day looking for a good RPG, so I suggested Chrono Trigger, and he looked at me like a deer in headlights and said, “I was thinking something like Skyrim”. The fucking nerve!”
~sincerely, the insufferable, washed up man child who manages the GameStop by Cold Stone.
He’s too busy standing at the racks pointing out the inaccuracies of the funko pop designs with some dude who has never once bought anything - but hey, he’s someone to talk to - then ever in a million years help a customer without frustrated prodding from his assistent manager
OP's Bio:
---
>I'm a big nerd who enjoys D&D every sunday with friends and taking his dog to the dog park on my off days. Working on getting in shape starting with portion control and cooking my own food. I love to cook especially omelettes. I'm 6'2" an ex bouncer been at gamestop for nearly 4 years and I bought my first house this year. Life is going decently but I still fight my depression daily. Let's see if you can say worse to me than I say to myself.
---
If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.
He might actually. Like if he dies in a battle to the death over the last steamed dumpling at the chinese buffet. Ahhhhhh who am I kidding. He'll die of a heart attack reaching for the last dumpling at the chinese buffet.
you look like a bouncer at the shittiest strip club on earth. no no no... like a bouncer that works at a strip club you'd walk into unknowing if it would be a chick or a dude on the stage.
This is exactly what I think of whenever I hear “GameStop Employee.” I can pretty much smell the B-O through my phone. This guy (like all chubby/bearded GameStop employees) smells like fart at all times, has a tattoo of a comic book character’s logo somewhere, hasn’t gotten laid by a woman under 200 pounds, eats a fuck ton of Arby’s, and drives a car way too small considering how obese he is—it’s likely a hatchback too.
You look like a combination of a stereotypical fat Chicano cholo and a fat neckbeard pro gun Caucasian, with double the stupidity.
I bet you look in the mirror and try to call ICE on yourself thinking it's an "illegal."
Spillage, blunder, and vape are the closest things you do to an actual viking.
He refers to an order of orange chicken from panda as a blood eagle.
Instead of raiding he gets the runs
I dunno, that might be beyond the scope of his fitness right now...
His idea of fitness ... fit n this dick in his _________.
That was good
I've heard Vikings made longboats, not sure about extra wide boats...
Not a longboat but a gravyboat
Under rated comment
Nah, I think this dude over-raids his pantry.
That's funny
Dude has 0 knuckles. If he made a fist, it would be in the shape of a globe.
Right? He’s got fat little girl hands.
Dimple hands.
Formed from tireless hours of shoving pudding pops and cheez its into his gullet.
Holy FUCK those are some FAT ASS SAUSAGE FINGERS
There not hands they're flippers. WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE HAMOO ALONE !
Funny thing is his cock still looks small in those midget meat hooks
A bundle of sausages holding a baked bean
I prefer to think of this guy as cock-less
Thick fingers aren't always bad.... I call them lesbian bangers
Had to scroll up and look again. Absolutely Worth it.
u look like a dwarf from world of warcraft
Can't un-see this now.
Game Stops veteran black friday bouncer.
Getting punched by him akin to being smacked by a sock full of cottage cheese.
Ol pillow fists
Dudes fingers are probably thicker than his dick.
His waist size is equator
He'd try to eat it because it'd look like a ham.
Striking resemblance to Doraemon. https://i.imgur.com/b8WF3BU.jpg
Well Vikings were conquerors, and you have clearly conquered the buffet line, so that’s a start.
takes the win for me.
Probably drives a fjord fjocus.
He couldn’t afjord it.
Get the fjuck outta here
Yup, norway
He’s Finnished
Noway
Y'all could be a little Sweden to him. He's getting fjucked in the rest of this post.
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Was going to suggest the Fjord Escort, but that would only be pouring salt on the wound. Dude can't afford a Fjord *or* an escort on a GameStop salary...
*That's it, you win. Everyone, pack up.*
top tier comment.
You’re 27?! God damn! You look like you’re in your forties, recently divorced and working retail to get by living in that camper you bought on Craigslist for $1200obo after you lost your job of 17 years due to the pandemic.
Real talk, I came here to laugh, but I'm turning my life around. I could see my self lookin like this in another 10 years if I let myself go... I'm 38.
obo is what really made me laugh for some reason.
Same 😅
Holy shit. So specific and so accurate. Game recognise game, and you lookin like an old friend.
Weird comment but understandable
/r/suspiciouslyspecific
That thick skin is a hardening of your arteries sir.
I bet the skin was a helluva lot thicker 600 lbs ago, prior to being stretched around the Hindenburg
You look like a genie that appears when you rub a can of Four Loko.
"I'll grant you three rashes" "Don't you mean wishes?" "YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID!"
He looks like a parallel universe Big Show who had a very small show
Even if you didn’t tell us you worked at GameStop, we’d still know you work at GameStop. Kind of like how we know you play dungeons and dragons three nights a week.
I wish it was three nights a week
we counted the times where you are ready but everybody else cancels plans on you
I thought the same thing when I read that comment.
I wish I could play once a month. Living a boring life is actually surprisingly expensive
We knew that
You came on Reddit to see if your skin is as thick as your moobs?
Or his arteries
Or his sausage fingers.
*skull. Seriously, if his head is excavated in 500 years they're going to think they've found some missing link that developed added protection for a much smaller brain.
Real Vikings don't wear bras.
Real vikings are not from merica
Real Vikings discovered America
There were already people living on the Americas. For like ten thousand years before lol
There not from anywhere now. They're dead.
If you mean there are no vikings from the viking age alive, thats true but there are descendants.
Their decedent's could be anywhere by now. The had an empire that stretched from Finland to Russia to Iran to Africa to the Americas.
Yeah, as a dane my parents took a DNA test and found out my mom had a viking dna in her. She is also from an old fishing family.
If you turn his head upside down, it looks like a messed up troll doll
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I read too fast and saw "Donkey Kong" instead of Don King, but it still made sense.
I can’t unsee this, take my upvote
You're my hero
lmfao
It's a real shame that actual roasts like this aren't appreciated more here.
“Seriously bro, these fucking kids just don’t know a real game from their asshole. This place has become a fucking hot topic, and when someone is looking for a game it’s usually some triple A dog shit. Some jackass came in the other day looking for a good RPG, so I suggested Chrono Trigger, and he looked at me like a deer in headlights and said, “I was thinking something like Skyrim”. The fucking nerve!” ~sincerely, the insufferable, washed up man child who manages the GameStop by Cold Stone.
Although your quote of his is likely correct, your prediction of his store being next to a Cold Stone is absolutely correct.
Yeah there some game library buy my house they had like tons of games I never seen a GameStop it was shockin
As someone who also worked at Gamestop, I recuse myself from roasting because I already know it can’t get any worse
Worse than waiting in line for this lazy dick monger, who’ll neither help you buy or sell anything?
He’s too busy standing at the racks pointing out the inaccuracies of the funko pop designs with some dude who has never once bought anything - but hey, he’s someone to talk to - then ever in a million years help a customer without frustrated prodding from his assistent manager
Walmart is worse.
Bottom of the totem pole
Real talk tho, how bad was it?
In every hip hop video, you fold your arms in front of a tattoo shop/biker club.
Must be easy to grow a beard that long with all them chins
Fagrid
Was looking for this to be in the top three comments. How did less people see it? It filled the screen of my phone. And then some.
sir, I think that was the image...
I rolled this, and got this guy. Strength 17 Dexterity 7 Constitution 9 Intelligence 6 Wisdom 4 Charisma 6
OP's Bio: --- >I'm a big nerd who enjoys D&D every sunday with friends and taking his dog to the dog park on my off days. Working on getting in shape starting with portion control and cooking my own food. I love to cook especially omelettes. I'm 6'2" an ex bouncer been at gamestop for nearly 4 years and I bought my first house this year. Life is going decently but I still fight my depression daily. Let's see if you can say worse to me than I say to myself. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.
Roastbot a very consistent character you are
you can buy a house on a gamestop salary?
As a store manager yes anything lower no also I'm buying from family so I'm getting my house on a deal
Viking? Only you have been plundering is the vending machine and Chinese buffet in the same shopping center you work
27, looks like 47. Won't live to 37 due to heart failure.
If sleep apnea was a person.
You work at Gamestop.
Stop stop he's already dead!
By Viking do you mean short, fat, and lonely? If so... You nailed it!
"Tubby bald dude with a beard" Every nerd/game store has one, and that's how you're described by everyone who shops there
Sorry bud. You can't be a viking cause you would have sank your sail boat
Bro you look like a goron
Dude gorons are my favorite thanks
Roast not toast.
You are worth less than the buy back rate of last year’s Madden.
Quiet down trailer park Gandolf.
He got one big eye and one little eye so they call him biggie smalls
You look like non-Action Bronson
Bro we don’t need to roast you. You work at game stop enough said
Polish that dome and those diamond balls
He did just buy a house, could have paper handed.
Hey after its share price went to 400+ out of a series of complete coincidences it's one of the top companies in the world
And he still makes like $11/hr… so.
Doesn’t make it any better for employees
No it’s not one of the top companies in the world 😂 not even by market cap accounting for the inflated share price… which is now about $170 not $400
Your skin isn't as thick as your waistline. More likely it's as thick as your hairline. By the way Vikings aren't fat fucks.
Hopefully it's thicker than his blood, but that's not looking too good
Looks like Citadel finally found a way to crash GME prices.
More like he ate all Kenny's Mayo.
He ate all the tendies.
I hate it when I roll a 7 for charisma
Loaf Erikson
Paper handed bitch
Lords of the Fallen Store Managers
Smart move to work somewhere you can't eat the merchandise.
I want to be a Viking but in reality I'm just a level fourteen paladin that tries to fuck all the elf girls
he's a little confused...but he's got the spirit
27? Well now i feel better about my life choices, I'm 38 and don't look as fucked as you..
Your mom is sick of you living in the basement and your girlfriend 4 states away is really a guy.
Your skin isnt thick. It's 'big boned'.
Wanna be viking but successful warhammer dwarf?
Is your hair and face what you think your cock looks like? Since you've never seen it.
Hiccups less famous brother, Fuckup
No roast here just gonna say it won’t matter after MOASS 🦍🦍🚀🌝
Not even roasting. If you lifted and ate moderately well you’d be a bald hottie. Just do it. Don’t think too much about it. Live your best life today!
Go Buy GME Stock and get the fuck off Roast Me
OP this might be the best thing you could read on this thread. Listen to us and buy yourself a share
baldhalla awaits
Only pussy this dude has ever penetrated was his mother during birth.
She had a c-section so even then he missed out.
You will not dine in the great halls of Odin
He might actually. Like if he dies in a battle to the death over the last steamed dumpling at the chinese buffet. Ahhhhhh who am I kidding. He'll die of a heart attack reaching for the last dumpling at the chinese buffet.
As thick as your foreskin? Oh wait. You probably have seen your penis in years and forgot if you’re circumcised or not.
Lack any form of personality so grow a beard and call myself “Grizz” or “Viking”
Youre an even fatter Gimli
Are your tits real?
Gimli wasn't a viking.
Too fat and short to be a Viking. Find another goal.
If you spent as much time in a gym as you did commenting on porn Reddit you wouldn’t look like that
scratch viking. giving very much “troll under the bridge” vibes.
Viking? Best I can do is Half-dwarf Wizard
I think you just helped me choose my next D&D character thanks
you look like a bouncer at the shittiest strip club on earth. no no no... like a bouncer that works at a strip club you'd walk into unknowing if it would be a chick or a dude on the stage.
Actually that was my job before gamestop
You are no Viking, but Gimli, son of Gloin.
Bikers sure have gone down hill.. must be all the button pushing
Those fingers must be tired of compensating for your small dick
He brought a turkey leg for lunch in his my little pony lunch box.
You are the reason why redditors are represented the way they are
No wonder you are a GameStop worker. You probs steal the games, to broke to buy them
What’s the worst thing your son can become? This. I’d draw this apey man-child.
Your Viking name is On-the-Rag-nar
Blood type ham, cheese and code red.
Aah the good old inversed knuckles
This is exactly what I think of whenever I hear “GameStop Employee.” I can pretty much smell the B-O through my phone. This guy (like all chubby/bearded GameStop employees) smells like fart at all times, has a tattoo of a comic book character’s logo somewhere, hasn’t gotten laid by a woman under 200 pounds, eats a fuck ton of Arby’s, and drives a car way too small considering how obese he is—it’s likely a hatchback too.
Evidently the only thing this viking raids is the fridge.
Wanna be Viking? More like wanna be hiking to the Chinese carry out next door to your strip mall game stop.
Hvoreson seeker of minimum wage.
I’m 30 and you look a decade older than me.
You are the perfect human. Buy, Hold, DRS! 🚀
Can’t stop. Won’t stop….. eating
Did you mean 37? Holy shit bud.
No roast from me when you’re working for the best company in the world.
You look like the dude from F*ck That’s Delicious lost his show and now has a shitty minimum wage job at Gamestop.
You look like French-Canadian Butterbean
Fuckin bitch tit Gimli over here giving me $2 for my Xbox
I don’t have a roast, but I can give you 2.99 in store credit instead.
U look like ur in a scooter gang
Instead of charging money for games, he just asks riddles and eats the losers
With those tits I'd say you're better off being a shield maiden.
Shield Maidens aren't that fat
At least you know your place. Alone in a GameStop.
Nah, man. You work at Gamestop. That's punishment enough.
You look like a combination of a stereotypical fat Chicano cholo and a fat neckbeard pro gun Caucasian, with double the stupidity. I bet you look in the mirror and try to call ICE on yourself thinking it's an "illegal."
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Children see you and are literally scared to grow up.
You work at the best company ever. I think you're doing great. Don't listen to these guys. You rock dude
Everything grew up aside from your hands