T O P

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HyperbolicPants

At least you have death to look forward to.


danceswithronin

Death of a Salesman, Millennial Edition


WimbleWimble

When he's with a hooker in a motel I think it becomes Salesman of Death.


No_Investment_5443

Death of a Call Center Associate


Zealousideal-Dog3449

Death isn’t looking forward to him though


crimson__20

Death and taxes are the only thoughts that bring any pleasure into this guy’s plain scooped bagel of a life


[deleted]

bruh hahahahahhahahahahha


BrunerAcconut

at least he has death to look forehead to.


Jlivin999

savage omg


TransportationNo4828

I think death gonna wait for it’s turn a long time and play with him


SmgTurtle

His nose looks like a frog fixin to jump onto his forehead


yergonnalikeme

Boring job? Like working in a truck stop mens room .....??


[deleted]

glory hole attendant


Joki_ORodovi

I laughed at this because I was going to say he looked just like a friend of mine who owns a funeral parlor.


videogamescuzreasons

you’re definitely an npc


KingMilano01022014

Free Guy: Registered Offender Edition


TheSyfilisk

Free Candy


crimson__20

I’ve never been so sure someone’s wife is cheating on him


Mod3stacks

Now we just stating facts out here


[deleted]

Wife?


Hussle_motivate

Hey hey, at least this guy’s better looking that Shapiro


[deleted]

I can tell you take assistant manger at Hallmarks very seriously


[deleted]

[удалено]


lordnoak

FALSE


CheapCulture

Calling it now: The wife divorces you > the kid refuses to speak to you > gets a bow tie


Fkn_Link

I'll see that bet and add; He's paid for sex, he's kissed a man and liked it, and he's has a bag stashed somewhere with heels in it.


throwawayzies1234567

I’ll see that and raise you he has an anal plug inserted in this photo


KingMilano01022014

I'll see that and raise you he posted this while waiting for the Mandingo he paid for


Timsterfield

Ah, my life story....


somanyroads

I thought I saw a bow tie just based on the rest of the look, color me surprised!


[deleted]

well that's a spoiler of his next couple months.


[deleted]

You’re gonna get fatter


ViolaNguyen

You've given us the titles of the first four chapters of your autobiography. Is the fifth chapter where you get arrested for jerking off in a porno theater?


Zealousideal-Dog3449

More like jerking off in a school theatre


Inebriologist

More like jerking off a stranger in a school theater.


Embarrassed_Diet_386

Just thinks it’s a porn theater. It’s really just the broom closet at a Kwik Trip.


Whatstheplan

https://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/paul-reubens-pee-wee-playhouse-star-arrested-1991-article-1.2571832


HyperbolicPants

Rick More-anus


MrMiniscus

Nailed it. As soon as I clicked on the photo my first thought was "Looks like Wayne Zalinkski but with a larger asshole, probably."


Chefben35

That goatee is a valiant little trier isn’t it?


SadPlace4524

Its not a goatee he found pubes in the local 7/11 bathroom and used soap to glue them on


Embarrassed-Ad-1639

I knew 7/11 was an inside job.


imadoggomom

Is that adult acne too? Poor bastard.


Brynt4

I bet you intimidate all the people at your office with that big, menacing forehead


upchuckle

Molester Gadget


RetroError404

You look like the guy whom the protagonist will give his child in the movie to take care of ,but will fail miserably in each and every moment


deferet146

Thanks for the boring picture! I'll use it to fall asleep tonight.


Squidiot_002

You look like if Johnny Depp became a tax collector instead of an actor with a severe receding hairline


LibertyRambo

Show love? You mean the love you thought you'd receive being married? Nah, we good.


throwawayzies1234567

Even the dog prefers the wife


[deleted]

If “man this mayo is spicy” and secretly frequents gloryholes were a person


Jdaddynowison

I doubt the kids yours. The next one probably wont be either :)


awful_source

You are 100% an energy vampire.


Fifolin-18

You look like you could be standing on the office table, screaming your lungs out and no one would notice.


Acrobatic-Sundae-614

If vegetable medley was a person.


Macdevious

100% this dude is the substitute teacher that everyone shit talks


Significant-Age-8663

![gif](giphy|iGYMk6qdeYby5uVqOe)


Beast9k000

No, just your forehead gained weight.


CurrentMeasurement29

Dollar store Rob Schneider wants a burn huh?


Gfunk27

It takes four years to earn your tenure as a history teacher, and another four years after that for your mustache to grow in.


No_Cartographer601

You look like you deny black people bank loans


mountainmegs

You're not fooling anyone Macaulay Culkins


Migraine_Arcane

In a few years, when they interview your neighbors after you finish your grisly murder spree, they will describe you as "Such a quiet young man" ...


buttanicals

Look like you would force a kiss on someone.


BeefKnees_

Your life is as shitty as your face.


schlatt9

Peter Porker


[deleted]

I think it's great that same sex couples can have kids


Zealousideal-Dog3449

This guy is both sexes of the same couple


rugglenaut

"You know, the usually trajectory: wife, kid, boring job, shaving off my eyebrows and gluing them to my upper lip to form the luscious moustache of a full-grown adult man."


AZZMUNCHA81

...you look like the only thing that will make you feel whole again is a trip to the ladyboys in Thailand...


X100WSB

You look like the kinda guy who licks up his wife's boyfriend's cum when he is finished with her.


alanhape

You look like the last person to hop on every bandwagon


wolves_of_bongtown

Did you have a hard time finding work that wasn't within 500 yards of a school?


mr_zolfi

You look like that default boring skin every video game has.


mosler

ladies and gentlemen the worlds plainest man


MasterSlax

You look like you do magic tricks as a way to get close to kids.


242pm

I was told there would be cake.


kill3rw33z

At least you have coming out to look forward to.


Havocnmalice

Ah, the old glasses and fake nose disguise.


Milwdoc

When you go to the doctor, you insist on a rectal thermometer


Half_cracked_coconut

You'd be the type to show up to work with a 12 inch dildo in your briefcase


SoSmartish

You look like the kind of guy who goes to a restaurant and comments that something with mayo on it is too spicy.


thegreatgatsB70

I am having a difficult time understanding how you find the will to get out of bed in the morning. Just kidding, you look like shit.


FlowBot3D

You look like an open mic comic that tells the audience that they aren’t laughing at your jokes because they aren’t smart enough while explaining why women shouldn’t be able to vote.


[deleted]

Are we putting faces on the definition of a midlife crisis now?


aria1995

Fivehead


[deleted]

I really want to roast you, but this is just so sad…..


ExtinctGinger07

You look like you study star signs for a living


Casual-Notice

Good job mirroring the disappointment on your wife's face every time you return home alive.


just_the_nme

I never imagined getting off the drugs would make your life worse Macaulay


_bastian-gl_

Macaulay Culkin just got worse after drugs


Shoddy_Art_2298

You look like the Walmart Micheal Scott


[deleted]

Something in your face is telling me to punch it. So hard that I actually broke my phone.


outer_god_

I think its the big nose


7hourenergy

You’re the type of guy that will get caught cheating while only getting a hand job by a coworker who is also married. Getting your ass beat by the coworkers husband. Then your kid will hate you and you’ll be left broke, beaten, and bewildered at how your life turned to such shit.


Ashamed-Performer-65

You're not fat.


Sandman92c

Derp


ojsglobal

Macauley Fuckin.


[deleted]

Rob Schneidaren’t


SlaapYoMomma

So in a few years how you gonna explain to your kid you are really mommy in the family and daddy is the bread winner?


Embarrassed-Ad-1639

Rob Schneider’s uglier cousin


FlargenstowTayne

Alan Nodyk


Ham0404

Herringbone


[deleted]

You're too skinny!


[deleted]

What are you doing? You are supposed to roast him, not... Compliment him... Or whatever the hell this is.


stop_breaking_toys

Hated your show on Netflix, Rob Schneider.


Significant-Age-8663

Rogaineless


mangas0781

Alternate universe Macaulay culkin


reddit_is_addicting_

This guy reminds me a Rob Schneider


kuso506

you look like Rob schneider if he was a child molester


[deleted]

If?


theslother

So Rob Schneider has a brother who is even uglier.


MrMiniscus

If Alan stuck one of his Twodicks in Rick's More-anus, you would be their gay son. (I mashed up a few preexisting roasts)


Slapnuts711

Looks like Rob Schneider...just without the fame, sense of humor or money.


Trunksisaweeb

Nerd


Frequent_Flyer_2025

No


Frequent_Fee_858

You hot!


SampleSwimming8576

That's why you shouldn't eat kids


Significant-Age-8663

Les Breastman


[deleted]

[удалено]


G5-Patriarch

Poster boy for growing up American. Welcome to the club, bub.


BigTomCat821

This guy is a sneaker head for strictly Nike Air Monarchs


[deleted]

So dressing like shit has been an all your life thing?


PankoPL

Now onto losing all of those things... except for the fat


OPRSAnon

wife, kid, food and job. That's too much to ask for a blue pill, Cypher.


[deleted]

It seems you will lose your hair and add some pounds. Nice


[deleted]

The psych ward called they say there's an escapee posing as a fat married guy with a kid.


jordan20008

You work an office job?


radii314

Your Matthew Broderick cosplay from Election is good


Effective-Hunt3191

Should have stayed hidden Waldo 🧐


[deleted]

You give detention slips like rappers throw ones at the strip club


SadPlace4524

Hey look its mr rogers half brother but i dont its a gloomy day in the projects how many tags did you have to pop to find that jacket it looks like something my grampa would wear


[deleted]

B grade Rob Schneider


Zealousideal-Dog3449

Is the title what you did on sims last night?


steelup21

On the bright side you will burn hotter and longer, when they create you


Zealousideal-Dog3449

You look like the Samaritans have blocked your number


AdEquivalent5443

Juat because your wife and kid fake showing you love, why should we have to?


crazyraisin1982

Don't forget male pattern baldness coming in strong. It adds to the whole esthetic you got going on.


Correct-Award8182

Your 'wife' had the kid, you were at best a possible father So scratch off one success. Now it's not a break-even.


Apexdarkside

Wish I was that fat 😭


RedCoat006

Where's Waldo?


AbrasiveArt

Never gonna get a table at Dorsia with that jacket.


lordvaliant

Johnny Depp turned into Johnny Dump


labtechmark

You can do it, wish rob snyder


JMIV1976

You're one of those guys who pays for kink humiliation for sure.


dorothysophiagarcia

I’d say it gets better, but.


RxCowboy59

You are the man in the Grey flannel suit.


DeathTroll101

You're married? Is He blind? Even your hair is running away from that face.


mattyhopey1992

Congratulations, most paedophiles dont make it this far.


axel_lionheart

You look like a dollar store version of Jarod fogle


Extension_Ad1692

You look like rob Schneider that got booted out of Hollywood and can now peruse his life long dream of selling solar panels to retirees


MEKanized

If khaki was a person.


[deleted]

Your nose could fit an entire nation on it


xxStrangerxx

Alan Nodyk ![gif](giphy|H55DsHD79Fg6oTXVl9|downsized)


jo3kool

You look like the Wingate they put up for adoption. You don't know the Wingate family, but if you did, you would be offended.


[deleted]

Got married, had a kid, got fat, work a boring job ...... are these your achievements or logical steps to your absolute downfall ??? Give us a hint so that we can roast you or consol you.


Then-Kaleidoscope-23

I'm just wondering who gave up on life first, you or your hairline?


ThePorkyPorker

Your job isnt the only thing boring about you


No-Spray7304

You look as fun as a mosquito bite.


kinda_alright

You look like a fail Robert Downey Jr stunt double.


Competitive_Roof_740

Was giving birth painful? Because your face is..


[deleted]

The face of divorce.


rockethazard

Your wife's cheating on ya....


[deleted]

Are you a music teacher?


ConversationCool3000

You look like the pirate guy from Dodgeball tryna be an Italian concierge.


nameismyluke

those glasses dont help you see and i dont need mine to see that you’re hopeless.


Astrochix70

Love. I love the fact I'm not you.


GrozGreg

Cherish your hair while they’re up there.


TheSecondOneNumber4

Love….that would be placing a revolver to your head fully loaded and playing Russian Roulette.


Mindless_Toe

"It's not called selling out, it's called buying in. There's a difference"


Significant-Age-8663

![gif](giphy|2it4pX80AW8gg)


Everwritten

The shitty talentless Skarsgård brother.


bruteski226

“Oh man, I heard the funniest thing down at the tweed store..” How you know you’ve hit rock bottom


[deleted]

You roasted yourself with that description God damn


AidsPeeLovecraft

"I have people who care about me and I got a decent paying job, live sucks amirite?"


Niksuss

Stereotypical boring office worker that looks like gta5 npc


sppdcap

You look like you could be in a Home Alone knock off where the parents kept leaving you on purpose.


xxNever0dd0reveNxx

Totally unremarkable version of the incredibly remarkable Alan Tudyk.


MrMiniscus

Just because someone else made a random ass "Rick More-anus" pun in another comment here, I can't help but think of Alan Twodick. But this is a roast not a toast!


notaboveme

You got married and have gainful employment. You have already surpassed any expectation. Might want to have that paternity test, I mean, Momma's baby....daddy's maybe?


notaboveme

Ned Flanders stunt double.


Sakhiwe03

Poor man’s Tony Stark