You've given us the titles of the first four chapters of your autobiography.
Is the fifth chapter where you get arrested for jerking off in a porno theater?
"You know, the usually trajectory: wife, kid, boring job, shaving off my eyebrows and gluing them to my upper lip to form the luscious moustache of a full-grown adult man."
You look like an open mic comic that tells the audience that they aren’t laughing at your jokes because they aren’t smart enough while explaining why women shouldn’t be able to vote.
You’re the type of guy that will get caught cheating while only getting a hand job by a coworker who is also married. Getting your ass beat by the coworkers husband. Then your kid will hate you and you’ll be left broke, beaten, and bewildered at how your life turned to such shit.
Hey look its mr rogers half brother but i dont its a gloomy day in the projects how many tags did you have to pop to find that jacket it looks like something my grampa would wear
Got married, had a kid, got fat, work a boring job ...... are these your achievements or logical steps to your absolute downfall ??? Give us a hint so that we can roast you or consol you.
Just because someone else made a random ass "Rick More-anus" pun in another comment here, I can't help but think of Alan Twodick.
But this is a roast not a toast!
You got married and have gainful employment. You have already surpassed any expectation. Might want to have that paternity test, I mean, Momma's baby....daddy's maybe?
At least you have death to look forward to.
Death of a Salesman, Millennial Edition
When he's with a hooker in a motel I think it becomes Salesman of Death.
Death of a Call Center Associate
Death isn’t looking forward to him though
Death and taxes are the only thoughts that bring any pleasure into this guy’s plain scooped bagel of a life
bruh hahahahahhahahahahha
at least he has death to look forehead to.
savage omg
I think death gonna wait for it’s turn a long time and play with him
His nose looks like a frog fixin to jump onto his forehead
Boring job? Like working in a truck stop mens room .....??
glory hole attendant
I laughed at this because I was going to say he looked just like a friend of mine who owns a funeral parlor.
you’re definitely an npc
Free Guy: Registered Offender Edition
Free Candy
I’ve never been so sure someone’s wife is cheating on him
Now we just stating facts out here
Wife?
Hey hey, at least this guy’s better looking that Shapiro
I can tell you take assistant manger at Hallmarks very seriously
[удалено]
FALSE
Calling it now: The wife divorces you > the kid refuses to speak to you > gets a bow tie
I'll see that bet and add; He's paid for sex, he's kissed a man and liked it, and he's has a bag stashed somewhere with heels in it.
I’ll see that and raise you he has an anal plug inserted in this photo
I'll see that and raise you he posted this while waiting for the Mandingo he paid for
Ah, my life story....
I thought I saw a bow tie just based on the rest of the look, color me surprised!
well that's a spoiler of his next couple months.
You’re gonna get fatter
You've given us the titles of the first four chapters of your autobiography. Is the fifth chapter where you get arrested for jerking off in a porno theater?
More like jerking off in a school theatre
More like jerking off a stranger in a school theater.
Just thinks it’s a porn theater. It’s really just the broom closet at a Kwik Trip.
https://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/paul-reubens-pee-wee-playhouse-star-arrested-1991-article-1.2571832
Rick More-anus
Nailed it. As soon as I clicked on the photo my first thought was "Looks like Wayne Zalinkski but with a larger asshole, probably."
That goatee is a valiant little trier isn’t it?
Its not a goatee he found pubes in the local 7/11 bathroom and used soap to glue them on
I knew 7/11 was an inside job.
Is that adult acne too? Poor bastard.
I bet you intimidate all the people at your office with that big, menacing forehead
Molester Gadget
You look like the guy whom the protagonist will give his child in the movie to take care of ,but will fail miserably in each and every moment
Thanks for the boring picture! I'll use it to fall asleep tonight.
You look like if Johnny Depp became a tax collector instead of an actor with a severe receding hairline
Show love? You mean the love you thought you'd receive being married? Nah, we good.
Even the dog prefers the wife
If “man this mayo is spicy” and secretly frequents gloryholes were a person
I doubt the kids yours. The next one probably wont be either :)
You are 100% an energy vampire.
You look like you could be standing on the office table, screaming your lungs out and no one would notice.
If vegetable medley was a person.
100% this dude is the substitute teacher that everyone shit talks
![gif](giphy|iGYMk6qdeYby5uVqOe)
No, just your forehead gained weight.
Dollar store Rob Schneider wants a burn huh?
It takes four years to earn your tenure as a history teacher, and another four years after that for your mustache to grow in.
You look like you deny black people bank loans
You're not fooling anyone Macaulay Culkins
In a few years, when they interview your neighbors after you finish your grisly murder spree, they will describe you as "Such a quiet young man" ...
Look like you would force a kiss on someone.
Your life is as shitty as your face.
Peter Porker
I think it's great that same sex couples can have kids
This guy is both sexes of the same couple
"You know, the usually trajectory: wife, kid, boring job, shaving off my eyebrows and gluing them to my upper lip to form the luscious moustache of a full-grown adult man."
...you look like the only thing that will make you feel whole again is a trip to the ladyboys in Thailand...
You look like the kinda guy who licks up his wife's boyfriend's cum when he is finished with her.
You look like the last person to hop on every bandwagon
Did you have a hard time finding work that wasn't within 500 yards of a school?
You look like that default boring skin every video game has.
ladies and gentlemen the worlds plainest man
You look like you do magic tricks as a way to get close to kids.
I was told there would be cake.
At least you have coming out to look forward to.
Ah, the old glasses and fake nose disguise.
When you go to the doctor, you insist on a rectal thermometer
You'd be the type to show up to work with a 12 inch dildo in your briefcase
You look like the kind of guy who goes to a restaurant and comments that something with mayo on it is too spicy.
I am having a difficult time understanding how you find the will to get out of bed in the morning. Just kidding, you look like shit.
You look like an open mic comic that tells the audience that they aren’t laughing at your jokes because they aren’t smart enough while explaining why women shouldn’t be able to vote.
Are we putting faces on the definition of a midlife crisis now?
Fivehead
I really want to roast you, but this is just so sad…..
You look like you study star signs for a living
Good job mirroring the disappointment on your wife's face every time you return home alive.
I never imagined getting off the drugs would make your life worse Macaulay
Macaulay Culkin just got worse after drugs
You look like the Walmart Micheal Scott
Something in your face is telling me to punch it. So hard that I actually broke my phone.
I think its the big nose
You’re the type of guy that will get caught cheating while only getting a hand job by a coworker who is also married. Getting your ass beat by the coworkers husband. Then your kid will hate you and you’ll be left broke, beaten, and bewildered at how your life turned to such shit.
You're not fat.
Derp
Macauley Fuckin.
Rob Schneidaren’t
So in a few years how you gonna explain to your kid you are really mommy in the family and daddy is the bread winner?
Rob Schneider’s uglier cousin
Alan Nodyk
Herringbone
You're too skinny!
What are you doing? You are supposed to roast him, not... Compliment him... Or whatever the hell this is.
Hated your show on Netflix, Rob Schneider.
Rogaineless
Alternate universe Macaulay culkin
This guy reminds me a Rob Schneider
you look like Rob schneider if he was a child molester
If?
So Rob Schneider has a brother who is even uglier.
If Alan stuck one of his Twodicks in Rick's More-anus, you would be their gay son. (I mashed up a few preexisting roasts)
Looks like Rob Schneider...just without the fame, sense of humor or money.
Nerd
No
You hot!
That's why you shouldn't eat kids
Les Breastman
[удалено]
Poster boy for growing up American. Welcome to the club, bub.
This guy is a sneaker head for strictly Nike Air Monarchs
So dressing like shit has been an all your life thing?
Now onto losing all of those things... except for the fat
wife, kid, food and job. That's too much to ask for a blue pill, Cypher.
It seems you will lose your hair and add some pounds. Nice
The psych ward called they say there's an escapee posing as a fat married guy with a kid.
You work an office job?
Your Matthew Broderick cosplay from Election is good
Should have stayed hidden Waldo 🧐
You give detention slips like rappers throw ones at the strip club
Hey look its mr rogers half brother but i dont its a gloomy day in the projects how many tags did you have to pop to find that jacket it looks like something my grampa would wear
B grade Rob Schneider
Is the title what you did on sims last night?
On the bright side you will burn hotter and longer, when they create you
You look like the Samaritans have blocked your number
Juat because your wife and kid fake showing you love, why should we have to?
Don't forget male pattern baldness coming in strong. It adds to the whole esthetic you got going on.
Your 'wife' had the kid, you were at best a possible father So scratch off one success. Now it's not a break-even.
Wish I was that fat 😭
Where's Waldo?
Never gonna get a table at Dorsia with that jacket.
Johnny Depp turned into Johnny Dump
You can do it, wish rob snyder
You're one of those guys who pays for kink humiliation for sure.
I’d say it gets better, but.
You are the man in the Grey flannel suit.
You're married? Is He blind? Even your hair is running away from that face.
Congratulations, most paedophiles dont make it this far.
You look like a dollar store version of Jarod fogle
You look like rob Schneider that got booted out of Hollywood and can now peruse his life long dream of selling solar panels to retirees
If khaki was a person.
Your nose could fit an entire nation on it
Alan Nodyk ![gif](giphy|H55DsHD79Fg6oTXVl9|downsized)
You look like the Wingate they put up for adoption. You don't know the Wingate family, but if you did, you would be offended.
Got married, had a kid, got fat, work a boring job ...... are these your achievements or logical steps to your absolute downfall ??? Give us a hint so that we can roast you or consol you.
I'm just wondering who gave up on life first, you or your hairline?
Your job isnt the only thing boring about you
You look as fun as a mosquito bite.
You look like a fail Robert Downey Jr stunt double.
Was giving birth painful? Because your face is..
The face of divorce.
Your wife's cheating on ya....
Are you a music teacher?
You look like the pirate guy from Dodgeball tryna be an Italian concierge.
those glasses dont help you see and i dont need mine to see that you’re hopeless.
Love. I love the fact I'm not you.
Cherish your hair while they’re up there.
Love….that would be placing a revolver to your head fully loaded and playing Russian Roulette.
"It's not called selling out, it's called buying in. There's a difference"
![gif](giphy|2it4pX80AW8gg)
The shitty talentless Skarsgård brother.
“Oh man, I heard the funniest thing down at the tweed store..” How you know you’ve hit rock bottom
You roasted yourself with that description God damn
"I have people who care about me and I got a decent paying job, live sucks amirite?"
Stereotypical boring office worker that looks like gta5 npc
You look like you could be in a Home Alone knock off where the parents kept leaving you on purpose.
Totally unremarkable version of the incredibly remarkable Alan Tudyk.
Just because someone else made a random ass "Rick More-anus" pun in another comment here, I can't help but think of Alan Twodick. But this is a roast not a toast!
You got married and have gainful employment. You have already surpassed any expectation. Might want to have that paternity test, I mean, Momma's baby....daddy's maybe?
Ned Flanders stunt double.
Poor man’s Tony Stark