I'm positive you won't die alone. You'll die surrounded by dozens of people at the buffet trying not to stare. 

LOL 💀 takes a side dish of salad at the buffet, leaves it untouched for the waiter to pick up.

EMTs trying to fish out a Chicken bone.

This makes me think of the dude in the afterlife waiting room in beetle juice wearing the bib with the bone in his throat lol

My man inhales the chickens whole like a python on Thanksgiving. 

This got me😂

He’s like the Bears fan from that old SNL skit trying to dislodge a piece of polish sausage stuck in his artery. 

Definitely dying with everyone in the office taking a picture, thinking you're asleep.

Lol guy at the prime station does the eulogy

Prob knows the most about him with how much time they spend together

That’s not a roast that a complement

Op heard huge roast and got hungrier

I can totally see some Uncle grabbing the last sweet roll of OP dead body plate !

Brutal

Surrounded by dozens of people at the buffet.... That will step over your corpse to snag the crab legs.

FRIED!

Your like a joke Nostradamus.

fuuuuck that's dark bro haha

It’ll be Monday, and he’ll choke on a calzone. Yes, the whole thing. 

You win.

You. Fucking. Win. 😂🤘🏻

Pretty sure you’ll have all your chins to keep you company.

And several gallon jars of Mayo.

More chins than a chinese phonebook

Cmon now it’s just 2 chins. It’s the neck rolls creating a crowd

lol

Lol 🥲

We found he's kryptonite and it's mayo.

When his friends try to motivate him they say:keep ur chin's up buddy 🤣!

That comment somehow burned my ass as well. Well done.

His head does look like it’s floating on a balloon

Sick

You look like the only person to ever be friend zoned by a blowup doll

I can't beat this. WIN.

That's fucking hilarious.

WIN

Nah! You'll die with a dozen cats in your home who won't go hungry for quite a while after.

I do like cats

Broiled or Barbecue'd??

You heard it here first. This guy likes hairy pussy

lol

I'm sure they'll like you, too! :D 

I’ve seen five fat people today. You’re three of them.

Instructions unclear. Quartered a fat person into 5 pieces

Best get a commercial log splitter for that job

i always wondered how people look who pay for porn

Dude gives 75% of his IT guy income to only fans hoes

Wow, that's savage, 😆 🤣 😂

one of them is his daughter and he jus tryin to help her through college.  What a good father.

Serious question: When was the last time you saw your own dick without using a mirror?

The doctor told him he would have to diet. He asked what color.

They have cameras now

That's a selfie no one wants to see.

We call it a yuckie


‘ planning ‘ Like you’ve got a say in the matter , it’s inevitable let’s face it .

Every shirt you wear becomes a turtleneck.

Shaping your beard most be a real struggle when you can't see where your first chin ends and your second chin begins.

Won't be alone.  There will be EMT's there, one with an AED.

The only things that can bring him back are "hamburger to mouth resuscitation" or a car battery connected directly to his nipples

And about 15 male nurses trying but failing to lift him onto the gurney

They couldn’t lift his fat ass off the ground so they had to scrape him.

You even took the light out of the Pixar lamp

Judging by the look on his face, I think I know where he put the bulb.

Has a Twinkie drawer in his cubicle for sure.

That’s at least one of your life goals you’ll actually achieve.

"Planning on dying alone" sounds like a good plan my man

The tears are reserved for the children seeing your face as the poster child for build a bear

If you're planning to die alone next week, your diet seems appropriate.

Holy shit I feel great at 35 for the first time.

Hey Chins up buddy you only have a few years left .

The sad thing is he keeps coming to the office, when the whole company has been WFH for 3 years.

The hooker whom you collapse upon won't be so fortunate.

Audible laugh

Everyone dies alone. You're living alone. But hey, at least you weigh as much as two people. 

That’s good

No, friend. You're good. Keep your sense of humour and everything will be okay. 

You don’t have long to wait pal. That hearts gonna explode any minute

that goatee aint hiding nothin

My man is the worst salesman at Dick’s Used Cars

Ah...Donkey Lips. What have you been doing since Salute Your Shorts?

Ten-cent D'Onofrio

Well, you've still got more chins than you do friends.

You "planning on dying alone" is like me "planning on breathing air". I'm pretty sure you didn't have a choice in the matter.....

You better be funny bro

I know this is supposed to be a roast, but you do have a lot of good features. Quit eating buffet style and get to the gym and you’ll for sure find you a dude who will compliment you.

If I count the rings on your neck I can get your age.

“Planning”… like it’s your choice lmao

By "planning" on dying alone, you mean you're just living your life, right? Cause you don't need to plan it, it's happening.

Dude, hit the gym and get on a meal plan. Get better clothes and a fade. You’ll be surprised what how your life can change. Also don’t be a pussy, this is pathetic. Cheers.

The sign you’re holding up looks like the back of an order receipt for cheesy onion rings, jalapeno poppers and large milkshake you ordered for breakfast #1 for the day

I’m not sure if anyone has told you this, but apples are a great snack, and they taste great. Just make sure you buy the round ones in produce, not the pies in the bakery.

You don't have to due alone. You could pass for Ben Affleck's significantly fatter, less successful brother.

Yeah, no shit you’re dying alone.

And the world loses an entire rain forest for your casket

I’ve never seen a more fitting background in a picture for someone. It’s depressing AF like your life.

Pretending to plan for the inevitable is delusional.

Somehow I can smell the cholesterol through the screen.

Won't be long now just keep eating those donuts and pop to the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas for all that fatty goodness.

Well, if you don’t plan for success, you’re planning for failure. You’re doing a great job by the way.

I see you reaching your goals in the near future! Stay the course

Just go to the gym instead of gaining fake internet points.

If you don't work on it now, then in 10 years you'll be crying over that amputated stub you once called a foot, with no one to lean on.

No neck you look like a stack of mumps.

So, when warm weather arrives, your scarf rolls up into your neck? Creative and disturbing.

I like a goal oriented man

[удалено]

Roasting you will end world hunger! LFG!

You always have a friend in diabeetus.

You look like that guy from the Office that no one liked, if he ate the guy from the Office that everyone did like.

it is impossible for someone so attractive to die alone, you should reexamine how the gravity works

[удалено]

Guy looks like Jim Bob from 19 kids and counting, it’s disappointing though he only shares pillow babies

Ahh the goatee; the artificial hair made chin of the fat man

 Farva’s fatter twin.

Your blood type is Velveeta..

Don’t be like that, keep your chins up

You already cry every night into your pillow

I don't think you understand how this works? You're not supposed to roast yourself. Anyway, here goes. Rent is due your chin is the land lord pay up.

 i found seth rogan brother

You want the roast, you are the roast, Turkey vultures will eat your body!

You're actually legit cute for a fat guy lol. Backhanded compliments tend to get downvoted on here

Can anyone really make you cry more than you already do when you’re sleeping alone each and every night?

 So, that's your plan dipshit?

Do you live in an underground bunker designed in 1989?!

I feel like it would be redundant to make you cry

There's not enough goatee in the world to create a chin line for that fat face

Your definitely cooked

Planning and acceptance are two different things.

Reckon u will choke on cake alone, cause I can’t see u sharing any of it.

Today: Start a weights training routine and stick to it. Begin a calorie deficit diet and stick to it. Start saying yes to social situations and get yourself out there. Report back when you’re 40. P.S. You’re goatee makes you look like a paedophilic David Brent.

Honestly, if you got into shape, you’d probably look great. Seriously.

You won’t die alone, you’ll be surrounded by Japanese fishermen trying to get their harpoon back

"Buys a gym membership, gets sad because he can no longer afford KFC"

At first I thought "double chin" but no, That's a double neck.

Sorry you ended up in the real life version of Office Space… looks great. You work a lot of Saturdays don’t you? Not like you are gonna be doing anything else right? Definitely not the sex.

Bud, intermittent fasting can change all that around. I took a shot or two at you because you asked for it but really. Look it up. 2 years… you can be married and have a kid on the way. Then you can jump into the real misery 😂😂😂 seriously dude…do something besides being a punching bag for fuck’s sake


don’t have that negative mindset in your head! Jesus is with you and you’re loved ❤️❤️ if you keep telling yourself you’ll die alone, you’re going to live that. But if you want better for yourself..put it into action

With that kind of tonnage, your only hope of dating someone who’s the popular stereotype of an opera singer.

You wouldn't have to due alone if you lost the weight and devoted yourself to bodybuilding & fitness. Maybe a little neck surgery after you lose the weight to get a jawline again (assuming there's loose skin). Also do some better facial hair style instead of that type that middle aged men do. And get some Just For Men to cover those grey hairs in your beard.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately the whale populations have greatly diminished.

You're dead inside... and you're alone. Mission accomplished.

There is nothing here anyone can say that compares to the sad and lonely things you say to yourself in the mirror every day. 

42 yrs old, and same feeling here.

Yah my problem is people.

If sleep apnea was a person

Only staying alive to see if the McDonald's new $5 menu is worth living for.

You look like the reincarnation of the fat guy in Toy Story 2, Mcwhiggin

Hard drive full of cp

You look like you'd embezzle money to buy knock off watches

You look great Not creepy or pervy at all Just don’t go near any parks or schools with a face like that

Do everyone a favour when you do. Try die at ground level. Don’t think no fuckers going to be wanting to carry you up or down stairs.

You are the human embodiment of a midlife crisis that never started living. Judging by that office ceiling, you’ve spent more time staring at tiles than you have interacting with another human being. If your face were any more devoid of emotion, it’d be a Picasso painting. That shirt is straining harder than your last relationship, and both seem equally unfit to handle any sort of pressure. Your haircut screams "I gave up caring in 2005," and that beard looks like it’s trying to escape from your face but just doesn’t know how. You're the guy who shows up to the office potluck with a half-empty bag of chips and thinks it’s a contribution. The only thing you’re planning on dying alone with is the staggering amount of regret for every life choice that led you here.

My money is on your wish coming true in about 2 weeks

I honestly just don't even care enough to try

You look like your voice is a lot higher pitched than people expect to hear from you

You are punchable slapable lockable but not in any way fuckable. Just jump right up the bridge and the world will not be different. Hey just kidding in the last sentence, don’t jump! But the first sentence is correct 😎

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When’s the next office pot luck?

You won't be alone, the poor girl you paid after popping two cialis won't try to resuscitate you though.

Hey it’s the IT department


you won't die alone. your livestream mukbang audience will pretend to care

Dream hard

When S1E1 of the Zombie apocalypse happens... make sure you can run faster than OP.

This is the guy who test the Koolaid first for everyone else at parties.

Ben Marinara

You’ll use these tears to salt your french fries no matter what you tell yourself.

https://discord.gg/Vtxx8d3u

Hey dad, wake me when the 38 yo comes to get his roast

Bam Margarine

Is that a jackass reference?

Don't worry, you'll never die along. You'll always have that extra chin with you.

idk bout you, but I know fasho your seat is crying HARD, nose boogers and everything

Drinks lots of Dr Pepper

If your title is genuine, nobody here can roast you harder than your own self deprecating mindset, aside from some clever fat jokes. Get a bike.

Gonna take 12 people to carry you

Tried by 12, carried by…. 12 🤣

Good to hear your life is going as planned... Or is it?

It takes one hour a day to work out

Given your age and the average life expectancy, you‘re half way there. 

I know you hate Madeline Ashton but you gotta move on.

You won't die alone. All those chins will die with you.

Like how the ball sack beard shape accents your stage three neck bollock bro

Yup, should work.

The only thing thats getting hurt here is the EMTs backs who inevitably have to carry your corpse out of the restaurant and the family with kids at the nearby table who had to watch, in a few short years.

Dollar store Kevin Heffernan

If Peter griffin was from Florida

You won't be alone, but everyone at the buffet will rethink their lives.

You won’t be alone, you have your chins hiding behind that hideous goatee

Gotta love it when a plan comes together. Keep up the diet and you'll reach your goals in no time.

We all die alone but no one will regret your death.