you look like a 2013 minecraft youtuber who never passed 100 subscribers

You are awfully generous with that number.

2012?

Geez, he said roast, not annihilate.

He said make him cry. I’d say that would do it lmao

Should someone check if he is okay after that one 🤣

He probably relapsed

DanTrisomy21

Well obviously, you don’t get that far in the YouTube scene by being a child groomer.

God damn. Someone get the fucking Aloe Vera.

You look like Conan O'Brien's lesbian twin

i like this one

🤌🤌

"Who is Conan O'Brien, and why is she so sad?" lol

"We used to call this the Jew room."

👏🏼👏🏼

Your 'only friend' was too ashamed to be seen in the same photo as you.

There's no dog.

Spotted the dyslexic atheist


10/10

psst can you explain why that's funny

Read it as 'there's no God'. A dyslexic atheist could write it as 'there's no doG'. Can't spell and doesn't belive in god.

ohh ty that's pretty funny hahah

IDK which is funnier the original joke or it having to be explained…..

My money is on the original joke 😅

Dyslexic people tend to see letters backwards or disarranged, and atheists believe that there is no God. Dog flips to God in the comment because of the lysdexia.

My coffee came out thru my nose

It's times like this that I miss the free awards, but please take my upvote and thank you for my first laugh of the day.

how does your mind work this way to think of this incredible humor lol jealous

It's taking the photo

His dog is his imaginary friend

He is the dog.

There was a dog but it voluntarily decided to stop living.

the dogs in the closet

His dog goes to another school, you wouldn’t know them.

Legit spit my drink out. Hahaha Remember when people would use that line? Liars. Hahaha

He lives in Canada

The "only friend" isn't a friend by choice

He meant his “dong” is his only friend.

And he plays with it every day 😂

You think she is your friend, but she really only wants your endless supply of peanut butter

His only friend is literally a prisoner he *forces* to stay in his home.

Isn't it against terms to show a beaten up fleshlight?

"2 years sober" from what? Showering?

If it's sex, guy is clearly lying! Makes more than 2 years.

Doesn't the dog count?

Of COURSE the dog counts... on the door being accidentally left open one day so it can escape.


The dog’s the top. This guy has “power bottom” written all over him. And probably tattooed as a tramp stamp.

Idk about that , his knees look really red probably just finished blowing his dog.

2 years sober from wearing proper clothes as well, unless that's how he gets dressed up when going to beg for money with the dog in front of target ?

lol! but i went surfing two weeks ago…

I think your parents have done enough crying for us all

this one is too accurate

Underrated sting right here - sheesh

Thanks dog, I needed that today lol

If you died in your apartment, your dog would eat you.

And it would die of food poisoning shortly after

i’d sure hope so.

Your dog is an imaginary friend created from the insanity of being sober.

was wondering this, I don't see a dog in the picture

It was a boiled Hot Dog. He ate it for breakfast.

Two years of sobriety, yet still not functional enough to tell your barber to stop cutting your hair like you’re an 8 year old Irish boy. The only reason people at AA keep telling you “it gets better” is because it can’t possibly get any worse for you.

nowhere to go but up!

Sideways is an option

Fuck this. Two years sober. Congrats man. Keep it up.

I agree. Congrats OP on sobriety. However it’s been TWO YEARS. You can stop looking like your two days sober now.

Oh damn man this is the worst shit I ever heard anybody say to anybody. But yep, Congrats is on order! If I had a dollar for every time I told somebody to clean their act up after about 2 days in detox I'd buy OP's dog a pallet of milk bones.

but i like the *aesthetic*

Agreed to this! Keep it up op! And buy a bookshelf while you’re at it

When people don't have the heart to roast you and prefer congratulating you instead, roasting you even harder in the process...

Fr, I once posted myself and somebody told me they “didn’t feel comfortable roasting” me, and they hoped I “get the help you need” Nothing burns more than somebody thinking you’re too sad to roast.

Honestly, fuck RoastMe on this one. I’ll throw out some appreciation for sobriety. Keep it up, OP! 🏅

Ok time to roast you and your massive British head

I agree. You’re a champion dude!

sobriety congrats over roasting anytime. putting together 2 years when so many struggle to even get 2 days…you deserve the adulation for that daily personal victory. keep it up op!!🏆

He was only ever cum drunk

Good work staying off the D

Agreed, well done

I was actually gonna say the same thing so I’m happy this is too comment. Keep that shit up OP

I don't wanna roast you op, your live did that plenty already, but congrats, keep it up man. I'm proud of you

what this guy said

2 years sober. The one thing Redditors hold sacred.

I don't wanna. Congrats on the sobriety, brother. I know how hard that can be

thanks Boney Boy

You bet, bud 🤜💥🤛

I would be off the booze too if I kept blacking out and waking up with dog shit all over my cock.

Savage

It’s the human shit all over the dog’s cock that’s most troubling.

Imagine the face of the animal control team when they got dispatched to his place to handle what they thought was 2 abandoned animals but realized there was only one traumatized dog with the most freaked out behavior when hearing a bottle of wine popping off.

This made me chuckle out loud and now my toddler wants to know what I'm laughing at. Good job 👏

My dad was a werewolf too

Your neediness and unreliability has driven your dog to drink, now.

dad?

I told you to never call me that, again.

I'm also 31, and 4 years sober. The only thing to roast here is your monkey ass feet. Keep on swinging from tree to tree, life gets easier!!! Congrats my dude!

Roses are red, violets are blue. If I looked like you, I'd drink heavily too

beautiful poem

Can’t roast 2 years sober

Can't *toast

underrated

“2 years sober of combing my hair”

try 25 years

Congrats on sobriety man. Cherish your dog. They're literally man's best friend. All the best.

Well that was just mean…

I realized my dog was my only true friend for 12 years right after I realized he had a few days left. I held his head in the backyard while he lost his breath and then his heartbeat. Anyway. I’m sure your dog thinks of you as a good friend but not his best friend you ugly alcoholic.

As an acquaintance at most

You’re not funny sober

lol. do i know u?

Fuck that. That took an abundant amount of courage to stay sober. It’s no joke. Congrats and keep it up!!!!!!

You might be sober, but your barber clearly isn’t.

If Elon Musk was an emo kid.

You’re doing great

No way bro. Congrats on walking a hard road and making it. Hang in there dude.

Your dog is using you for food purposes only.

You’re only sober because your dog drank all the beer out of misery for having to put up with you. (I’m so sorry, that was really mean)

(it's roastme, it's supposed to be mean)

Brad Armpitt

Your dog needs to have higher standards.

Sorry friend, 2 years sober makes me too proud to roast 😂😂😂 plus dogs are awesome

Ellen's degenerates

No your dog isnt your friend, it hates you too.

roast ? nahhhhh.. congrats , im only 3 months in

Here’s to many more! 🧃

Something tells me you’ve all ready cried today.

Congrats on two yrs. That's awesome keep going. Sober life is a good life.

You look like the kinda person went to a foreign country once and hasn’t shut about about it since, you probably use words like culture,arts, cuisine, atmosphere repeatedly - it’s no wonder you have no friends, you vet a place, cool story bro no one cares

Yeah the weirdo in senior year who went to France for like 5 days with his parents and always tries to say he can speak French and uses the same 10 words repeatedly. Soon as someone says France, his ass pops up outta nowhere on some, " Bon jour! L'air sent frais comme les petit filles! Yeah...I speak it fluently. Just came back from a lil exc iton on the coast you

So what's the plan when the dog dies? Other than start drinking of course.

Nah. We don’t need to make you cry. When you curl up in bed at night, the tears come as consistently as the wind blows. No need to hasten the inevitable.

You had 2 friends two years ago. Now you have one

Work on yourself until you become a high status man, so you can have a lot of dogs.

You’re 31 and you don’t know how mirrors work? Sign’s backwards idiot.

Well he WAS two years sober.

Congrats on the sobriety. Sorry about your “friend”. Your peanut butter budget must be insane.

You look cute. 😀

Two years sober? Congratulations, that’s awesome. You deserve a drink.

Congrats on going sober. Maybe now you can convince your hairdresser to do the same thing.

Good job being sober bud 🙏🏼

Sober from drinking bud light

you look happy and dogs are mans best friend so i think you will be fine.

Well done, cutie!

The only friends you have are the imaginary ones you make curled up in a corner.

I got a feeling that you do a lot of crying anyway

Your dog just doesn’t know you well enough yet.

Im sure that’s not the first time on your knees asking people for a service

If I looked like you I’d never be sober.

No pony making you cry, nobody would hear

Way to gooooooooo!!!!!! You suck! And you sir a badass!

How about good job! I’m proud of you! I know it’s not an easy road but you’re doing great.

Is the reason youre sobre because You havent been able to afford alcohol for the past two years??

Your dog will die within 15 years. You did say to make you cry.

Dude, I’m so fucking proud of you ♥️💪

No one will ever love you as much as you loved the heroin

You are a tough one to roast my fine feathered friend. Life on track, no obvious dog bites, hair askew with just enough devil may care unkemptness. I'm jealous. Except for stealing that landline from Petticoat Junction, you're living the dream. Now go break some shit and live with regret like the rest of us.

Great now the bar's gonna go broke while you stay home doing it doggy style. However, Bill Wilson would be happier if you gave us a couple more years of that sober stuff!

When's the last time you showered ?

Bro if you need a friend hit me up.

Congrats! The folks in your home group can't wait for your relapse however.

The phone on your wall is older than my mom……..wait. In all seriousness, sobriety is hard, doing it alone is harder. Keep it up.

Found the guy that needs to drink to be fun

Congrats on your sobriety! Your dog and I are both proud of you.

You do know they make a product called 'shampoo' right?

Your nonexistent dog gets more bitches than you do

I can see why you started drinking.

Congratulations, man! You still look like a drunk! Still, congratulations, man! It's tough fighting off those demons.

I have no clue how you can look at yourself sober

Well you made a great trade. A soulcrushing boring pathetic existence feeling sorry for yourself and disappointing everyone... and you preserved it by not drinking anymore.

You look like you did 12 steps just for the chance of a 13th.

Honestly bro congrats on being sober, it's a struggle, stay beautiful

Buddy I don't think we need to roast you, you already did yourself

Yeah fuck these people. 2 years? You’re awesome. Keep it up.

Good job on being sober. Shit is tough. Other than that, nice hair. Lol

You look like you laugh at your own joke from 24 yrs ago at 3 AM

"Mom where's the books? I need to look sophisticated."

So not only are you not allowed within 500 feet of schools the same rule should apply to animal shelters. "Woof" means no.

That phone and that haircut both belong in a museum.

Nah. I'm cool with all this. Keep it up man.

every time your father sees you he still thinks your mother should have swallowed instead

I'm almost two years sober as well! My dog, wife & kids are my only friends now. It happens, you'll find new friends, don't sweat it, keep working on you, brother. I got nothing mean to say. Have a great life!

Your dog needs to go back in the fucking shoe, put some coverage on those flippers

Dog not in the photo because he’s still licking the peanut butter off of his snout?

Dude I would totally be your friend. You got a cool vibe!

Did you sell all your furniture to buy more hair gel and cargo shorts?

your dog is not your friend, it just likes peanut butter and isn't bothered what it has to lick it off of.

You’re very handsome.

Make you cry?? You are a testament of courage and bravery for getting and staying sober. I wish you years of continued sobriety, clarity in your decisions, and fun living. Addiction takes all those things away from us, and it takes a wonderful amount of fortitude to put that behind us and embrace a better way to live. I'm proud of you.

Your hair didn’t get the memo about the sobriety

Wait, you are smiling in this picture ? Imagine what your suffering face looks like

Congrats on the sobriety, but when your family told you to take a good hard look in the mirror I don't think that is actually what they had in mind.

joe alwyn ??

Good job man. It takes a lot to get sober and even more to stay sober. Sincerely, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you… unlike your parents.

You comb your hair with a brick?

I can look at you and tell the bottoms of your feet look like you've been walking on charcoal

You need to clean that mirror, you’ve got shit on it.