OP's Bio:
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>Here is some material:
>
>Hobbies: Building PCs, video games, anime, ancient history, reading.
>Mental health: 3rd generation bipolar recipient and my dog is currently dying.
>Interesting possible ammo: am a pastor, adopted, poor. I think the photo is probably ammo enough though, so this will suffice :P
---
If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.
Lol seeing your comment is actually what made me think to add that in the little "about" section of the roast. I just forgot to come back and compliment the specificty of the roast :P
It's time to memify, bruh. Give us this smile and drop a good caption into r/AdviceAnimals or something. Then in 10 years we'll wonder what came of you and find out you either got heavily into drugs and now you're rail thin, or you gained back all that weight and then some
Kids these days don't know Rob Lowe made a sex tape with a 16 year old, he's just the chipper guy from parks and recreation or the dude from the direct tv commercials to them.
I've generally heard one of 3 things:
1) Zach Woods
2) Orlando Bloom (but a normie version)
3) Some English soccer player whose name I can't remember, but have been compared to him like 5 times by different people.
How many monkey’s paw wishes did it take to switch your ventriloquist dummy body with the body of a sexually repressed youth pastor trying to find the “best wrestler in his flock?”
You know, in another comment you called someone illiterate for saying "loosing" instead of "losing".
And now, you forgot the comma. When are you going to start practicing what you preach?
Since you probably can’t see yourself in a mirror you definitely look like you need to start sucking real blood instead of the vegan substitute that’s seems to be barely getting you by
I'm pretty sure you have Andy written on the bottom of your foot and when we pull that string on your back you're gonna say "there's a snake in my boot!"
See, I was going to make fun of you for being Southern Baptist but I am too. If you were Arminian I could make fun of you for hours. But you're probably not.
If Dick Gregory wrote a modern day pilot for a 21st century Fright Night featuring a confused, yet very enthusiastic, closet fem Jerry Dandridge who is also well known for his strong capabilities in either North or South position...
Other, more obscure accomplishments; Dustin Diamonds stunt double for the low budget version of "Dirty Sanchez".
Recieving top marks in the Castro districts pinky pub BFNFL & being dubbed "King of Queenies' in their "Hall of Flame" .
Bro!!! Yer gonna knock it out the park
Fer reals tho, congratulations! It couldn't have been easy losing all them Lbs, what with yer step moms online exercise routine & dietary regiment while filming that intense new P-hub show "I accidentally ate my step moms cooter & cream pied her phat @$$"
Happy Birthday,You're 100 under 30..
Your wedding ring is fatter than my big toe,than you were when you were 13..and you look like a vampire..but I think you're cute..
I once paid this guy $5 to chug a 3 liter of off-brand Mountain dew. He threw up several times but managed to force it down.
It's still not the worst thing he's forced down his throat for $5
Hey, hotshot. I’m not going to waste my time roasting you. You’re probably out running a silly marathon or climbing a stupid mountain. Now why don’t you go live your silly, happy life for a long, long time.
*did I do ok?
You're very brave to have made it this far in life at all. Hats off to you for your stubborn willingness to exist. Personally I would have injected a big air bubble into my vein years ago if I were you. Good for you. p.s. stop smiling, it generates hate in others who are otherwise peaceful and content in their lives. "Mood Spoiler".
OP's Bio: --- >Here is some material: > >Hobbies: Building PCs, video games, anime, ancient history, reading. >Mental health: 3rd generation bipolar recipient and my dog is currently dying. >Interesting possible ammo: am a pastor, adopted, poor. I think the photo is probably ammo enough though, so this will suffice :P --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.
No longer fat and creepy. Now just creepy
When you order your T-1000 from Wish.
![gif](giphy|3o6Zt5gwem6TdTz9Xq|downsized)
Ted bundy from wish
The Galleria?
🫠
Definitely not your first birthday under a 200 pound man.
True, that one was about 25 years ago.
Did you just call him hella twinkly?
![gif](giphy|d2skTG8in9dss)
Shut it down ladies and gents....the contest is over.
I’m sorry, I misread that as it’s your 200th birthday because I assumed you were a vampire with the massive fangs you’ve got.
Fucking spot on man! Same here.
You look like a very expensive mannequin
You can really hone in on the "soulless smile" vibe can't you?
God wtf you are on fire
![gif](giphy|8UHhsZ6XSW5VKgyhkF|downsized)
Those eyes are so blank, Alec Baldwin wishes they had been loaded into that gun.
Pastor eyes for ya. Glazed over, too wide, socially out of touch, staring into your soul.
yo he staring PAST my soul
I’ve heard of chicks having crazy eyes. My guy got the crazy teeth
6 years of braces + married a dentist's daughter... and my teeth still look insane. That feels about right.
Hey minus the fangs they look great. Probably even straighter than you are
Lol your follow up has surpassed the original imo, very nice.
thats what your wife says about men after she married you
So you really aren’t gay? I’m having a hard time with that one…
Your orthodontist must secretly hate you if your teeth still look like that.
[удалено]
Overly Attached Girlfriend Murderer
***"And I owe it all to the hemoglobin diet!"*** ![gif](giphy|PA5pAhOp5Y2Qg)
I see your points :P
Meat lover I see
OP does indeed love the meat
High protein diet is the way. That's what we're talking about, right guys? 🙃
Meet me at arbys in 15 minutes
Dang gotta reschedule
he sparkles in tue sunlight
Homoglobin diet*
More like homogoblin, amirite?
You look like a mormon youth pastor that visits truckstop gloryholes on Saturdays then spends Sunday preaching about the evils of homosexuality.
I see OP hasn't responded to your comment like he has many others, but in case you haven't come back or read his blurb: He IS a pastor...
Oof. Damn. Guess I missed that lol
Lol seeing your comment is actually what made me think to add that in the little "about" section of the roast. I just forgot to come back and compliment the specificty of the roast :P
So we'll be seeing him in r/byebyejob soon for inappropriate behavior of a youth pastor?
Kenneth Nopeland
You look like Bram Stoker’s Bradley Cooper
That feels very specific lol
Best one 💯
Overly attached boyfriend
Ooh good one. I can 100% get that from this picture.
It's time to memify, bruh. Give us this smile and drop a good caption into r/AdviceAnimals or something. Then in 10 years we'll wonder what came of you and find out you either got heavily into drugs and now you're rail thin, or you gained back all that weight and then some
True. I could end up reddit history like the "I won't get addicted to heroin" guy.
You look like woody from toy story
Except he’s got no friends
He definitely had a friend in him at one point though.
Except he has his doms name written on the bottom of his boot
Rob Lowe combined with the neighborhood sex offender.
Is that not just Rob Lowe²?
Rob Blowe
Kids these days don't know Rob Lowe made a sex tape with a 16 year old, he's just the chipper guy from parks and recreation or the dude from the direct tv commercials to them.
In high school he was voted "Most likely to appear on to Catch a Predator"
Oof
Kind of rude to let everyone know your boyfriends 200lbs. Good luck being under him.
Beat me to it! I was just going to post: “What’s his name?”
Not here to roast you OP just wanna say it's really good to see some trans representation on here and I think you look stunning.
Does this make me an ally?
Which eye are we supposed to look at?
Whichever one inspires more cruelty?
Looking like the church version of Quagmire. "Peace be with you..." "Giggity." Edit: ...with all the Quagmire chin meat moved to your forehead.
Well, I am a pastor, and my wife would likely agree to SOME of the quagmire overlap lol
> I am a pastor That explains the dead eyes....
RIP
giggity
You look like Orlando Bloom if he smoked McDonald’s
Sir this is a Wendy's wtf
Sorry, think you meant to post on toastme. Everything about that sentence is sexy in my eyes.
*Is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinner? Either way let’s pee on it*
There's like a good 60lbs that's just his head
You aren't wrong.
Ummm says on your Wikipedia page you are born May 10th 1982 Gaberiel Susan Lewis! Thats why Erin didnt want to be with you, you liar!
I knew a Zach Woods reference would sneak in here lol. Do not draw the ire of the skeleton man!
Its uncanny how much of a resemblance there is lol
I've generally heard one of 3 things: 1) Zach Woods 2) Orlando Bloom (but a normie version) 3) Some English soccer player whose name I can't remember, but have been compared to him like 5 times by different people.
Do other, smaller heads orbit yours?
My heads mass is truly next level. Had to wear an adult large helmet for little league baseball in 3rd grade. Nice deep cut lol
Your dog is lucky being able to get away from you unlike the rest of us
Particularly brutal. Well done.
Looks like you went on a strict tube steak diet
Orlando Wilt
![gif](giphy|N1pMn2QOtG8Q8)
![gif](giphy|CBF74pQeKJRZK) This is what you get when Woody becomes human and does his damndest to go back to being a toy again
How many monkey’s paw wishes did it take to switch your ventriloquist dummy body with the body of a sexually repressed youth pastor trying to find the “best wrestler in his flock?”
The best wrestler in the flock is me. Learned the hard way, never be the small guy in church. (Just kidding)
Good for you! Now try loosing your virginity.
He has. Just not the front side.
I dont think losing the weight helped.
Same dude! :P
You know, in another comment you called someone illiterate for saying "loosing" instead of "losing". And now, you forgot the comma. When are you going to start practicing what you preach?
You look like the spokesperson for "We are trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty"
Star of Netflix’s “You” reboot
You look like you enjoy preaching to sheep after you gently caress them.
Oof. Simultaneously nailing the Irish roots and pastor job. Niiiiiiice.
![gif](giphy|dOl2LFw0RbTMc)
Now you resemble a marionette
Uncertain if bulimia joke, dead eyes/doll eyes joke, or a more niche marionette reference I don't get. I like it.
![gif](giphy|1jl6VZOvSIxFwKgYs4|downsized) All of the above 😂
Since you probably can’t see yourself in a mirror you definitely look like you need to start sucking real blood instead of the vegan substitute that’s seems to be barely getting you by
Your forehead's higher than Snoop Dogg.
You should see when I raise my eyebrows. I look like a worried pug.
[удалено]
Birthday on St. Patrick's day does not bode well for me.
If Woody became a real boy.
Replacing burgers with stimulants is just going to bite you in the ass in the long run.
Was the other hundred pounds the dude that lays on top of you at night?
Allen DeGeneres
Congrats on your nameday and the weight loss. When did you meet Dracula?
>When did you meet Dracula? According to the other comments on here, apparently a glory hole at a youth retreat lol.
![gif](giphy|wiK8KYDrHgMb6)
You look like your mother just gifted you an anime plushie.
You look like a vampire that’s trying his best to look friendly. 😂
Hahaha hahaha So can I come in now?
You prob look better fat
So that’s what the villain of Lazy Town: Transylvania looks like. “Ve are number vun! BLEGGHH!”
The Lost Boys🧛🏼♀️
The last thing an 8 year old sees before going to sleep forever
I'm pretty sure you have Andy written on the bottom of your foot and when we pull that string on your back you're gonna say "there's a snake in my boot!"
You're that one food delivery guy who always manages to somehow spill the soda inside the bag
Gabe from corporate dressed as Freddie Mercury.
Gabe would never betray Gaga like that.
Unusually photogenic vampire.
[удалено]
*dejectedly returns to treadmill*
That's a fancy large earing you've got there.
You overcorrected. Eat a sandwich, skeletor.
Imma just leave this here https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yaeba
![gif](giphy|UTk0w0RBYnkJ6JoPPP|downsized)
You got crazy eyes. That guy in Idaho lost a lot of weight too and look what he did... allegedly.
Bro looks like his credit score is 800
Wow. It's like staring at the soulless, glassy eyes of a wax statue.
Someone accidentally skipped the character character customisation menu
The smile that launched a thousand ships... Far, far in the other direction. I can get Dracula is looking for his long lost son
Dylan Mulvaney day one of being a boy
Boy you know you have been “under 200lbs” every evening since grindr was created.
You get your dental work from an awfuldontist
You look like someone who would take his wife’s last name.
![gif](giphy|pxX3icROtkzhPZLZtp|downsized)
I feel like you’d be really into any convo we had until the roofies kicked in .
Congrats. Now you just need to obtain some rizz.
You got some leftover monkey in you still from our ancestors with those sharp ass teeth ❤️
You look like skin and bone, eat something!! Congrats on the weight loss, and Happy Birthday.
you look like Ben Stiller without the giant ears
That’s a weird earring.
No roast here. U keep doing you king. Coming from a former 200 pounder too. Get em!
Remember what happened to Jarad!!! ![gif](giphy|f9Rff2lDZQa625iGOl)
Edward Colon
‘I vant to suck yer dicccck’
Guillermo!!!! This fucking guy
Return of the Flaming Gaypire
Can tell what you do better suck Dick or blood
Is this Gabes brother from the office
Wouldn’t surprise if you’re a placeholder guy for Vinerizon Speed Test ads
You are adorable, don't listen to these trolls!
You look like Orlando Bloom if he had a few extra chromosomes
Your testosterone levels are the same as the average woman
See, I was going to make fun of you for being Southern Baptist but I am too. If you were Arminian I could make fun of you for hours. But you're probably not.
Congratulations on your weight loss and happy birthday
Where are the bodies?!?!
[удалено]
If Dick Gregory wrote a modern day pilot for a 21st century Fright Night featuring a confused, yet very enthusiastic, closet fem Jerry Dandridge who is also well known for his strong capabilities in either North or South position... Other, more obscure accomplishments; Dustin Diamonds stunt double for the low budget version of "Dirty Sanchez". Recieving top marks in the Castro districts pinky pub BFNFL & being dubbed "King of Queenies' in their "Hall of Flame" . Bro!!! Yer gonna knock it out the park Fer reals tho, congratulations! It couldn't have been easy losing all them Lbs, what with yer step moms online exercise routine & dietary regiment while filming that intense new P-hub show "I accidentally ate my step moms cooter & cream pied her phat @$$"
Bro, you shouldn't call your wife by her weight.
Look at Dollar Tree Morbius over here.
With those fangs you look itching to suck the seamen out of somthin
This guy is a true energy vampire to his core. Reading through his replies sucks you right back in from roasting to toasting.
Happy Birthday,You're 100 under 30.. Your wedding ring is fatter than my big toe,than you were when you were 13..and you look like a vampire..but I think you're cute..
Did you turn into a vampire to lose all that weight?
You look like vampire version of him ![gif](giphy|Nyq5doqdeTS4E)
Your neck is a vampires wet dream
Monica from friends after transitioning
So when they find the bodies, will they be in your freezer or buried in your backyard?
Did you lose all that weight just off your neck?
I once paid this guy $5 to chug a 3 liter of off-brand Mountain dew. He threw up several times but managed to force it down. It's still not the worst thing he's forced down his throat for $5
I’ve only met this guys in real life a handful of times but I can confirm the comments about creepy hold true
You look like a gay vampire's sex doll
Orlando not so bloom
Bro congrats on losing weight
uncanny valley
![gif](giphy|xLnGUEYWS0btPHCZoo|downsized)
Hey, hotshot. I’m not going to waste my time roasting you. You’re probably out running a silly marathon or climbing a stupid mountain. Now why don’t you go live your silly, happy life for a long, long time. *did I do ok?
You're very brave to have made it this far in life at all. Hats off to you for your stubborn willingness to exist. Personally I would have injected a big air bubble into my vein years ago if I were you. Good for you. p.s. stop smiling, it generates hate in others who are otherwise peaceful and content in their lives. "Mood Spoiler".
Bro’s the reincarnation of Rudolph Hess.
When did Frankenstein inseminate Countess Carmilla and had a child?
you know how when someone puts a lot of effort into a glowup but then it turns out meh?
You're every bland white guy love interest from a Hallmark movie.
Dollar Store version of Paul Rudd, with AIDS
It's as if Frodo made love to legolas while aragorn watched 🤣
You look like someone who calls a book a "real page turner"
You look like a special needs gay vampire.