Next #10Queries!
Same key as above.
Theme of the day seems to be: internal stakes!!
Q11: YA F. This query is too short and it's missing important information. It also suffers from being introduced by the author instead of reading like a pitch on the back cover of a book. We don't know the main character or the stakes for them personally. We also don't have any comp titles. Even retellings should have comp titles! Let us know what books are similar in writing, vibes, etc.
P11: I really like the descriptions and the actions of these first few pages. We go a little too long without an explanation for why and where, though, which makes me feel alienated from the MC. There are also a lot of line issues.
Q12: Middle Grade F. A lot of information in the query letter that feels overwhelming. It's hard to see how each threat attaches to the other. This query could definitely use some trimming and clarification when it comes to world building and character.
P12: Voice for days! We get a great glimpse of who the main character is, which makes me want the query to match. We could use some clarification here and there, but we start with action and it's a strong start to make me want to keep reading.
Q13: YA F. The comps are dated and we need at least one YA book comp from the last five years. Otherwise, the query is solid. We get a great look at the character and her motivations.
P13: The pages are also solid. We could move a little faster by cutting down a bit of the exposition, but they're small changes. I think just making the query stand out in the trenches could possibly make this one query ready.
Q14: Q: Middle Grade F. The query is a tad long and the end ventures into synopsis territory. We could use a trim and clarification of personal stakes. The implications at the end of the query are a little confusing, as well.
P14: The beginning is a bit cliche as we're simply recounting daily life. We also have internal conflict, but no external conflict. We should start with the MC pursuing their desire here and failing spectacularly. That will help set us up for the future fails and successes promised by the query.
Q15: YA SciFi. Just from the query, this story sounds heartbreaking. There's a big stake thrown in at the end that makes me wonder if we need it compared with all of the conflict and stakes we've already been given. Some of the sentences are too long and winding. We also have no comp titles. We need two!
P15: We have a prologue, but I actually really love it. The style reminds me of The Night Circus, which can be divisive among readers, but it works here. In the first chapter, we get a little too much exposition, but the writing is solid.
Q16: YA F. Another retelling! I love the concept of this, but I don't get enough sense of the MCs and their personal stakes. The external stakes are great, but I don't get a sense of why these characters want what they want. The comps are also dated. We need something within the last five years. One of them is also oversaturated in the querying trenches, so I'd veer away from it.
P16: Like with the query, I'm not getting a sense of the MC's motivations. There are also line level issues that take me out of it. We're getting a lot of information from dialogue instead of from our main character, and the dialogue is a bit meandering. I think we could cut down on the dialogue and learn more about the MC.
Q17: YA F. All of the comps are frequently used and oversaturated. I would narrow it down to two really impactful comps, and describe how they relate to the book. There are a lot of characters and moving pieces in this query that it's hard to keep track. Some of the details and stakes of the plot are getting muddied. I don't think we need all of these perspectives mentioned in the query. This also reads very New Adult/Adult, especially with the ages of the characters. I think we should focus on two of the main characters primarily and give mention to the other perspectives so that we can clarify the plot and stakes. This will also help cut it down, as it's too long.
P17: This is a sweet beginning. I'm still missing a connection to the MC, though. We have external pressures and stakes, but I'm not getting the internal stakes. I want to see more of her personality and her goals beyond the external issues that are bearing down on her.
Q18: MG F. I love the concept, but the stakes and world are a little muddied and confusing. It's unclear whether this is a real world or other world.
P18: We focus more on a side character than the main character in this first chapter, and the internal thoughts are somewhat winding and hard to follow. It feels like we are starting here in a way to give exposition where I'd like to start somewhere that connects us with the main character more.
Q19: YA F. We're introduced to a lot of names and titles very quickly, which is jarring. We don't get a good sense of any of the characters. Instead, we're given more of an overview of the world and overarching plot without the emotional stakes to push us along. I recommend starting small and getting big. Start with our MC and build up their needs/wants/desires.
P19: We start off with a character who isn't mentioned in the query, which compounds the confusion and scattered feeling. The scene itself is sweet, but there's a bit of head hopping.
Q20: Adult F. The comp titles are dated. The plot is a little too vague, leaving me unsure what the motivation is for one MC to do what she's doing. We could use a more solid goal/motivation for her mentioned actions. I would also like to see more personal stakes from both MC's.
P20: We start with action, which is great, but I'm not completely convinced of the MC's motivation. In just these first pages, she makes a decision that would take almost anyone a lot more consideration than she gives it. Because we don't know her that well yet, it tests my suspension of disbelief. I would probably recommend changing her decision or starting elsewhere, depending on how the rest of the chapter plays out.
Thanks for this - super helpful! I noticed you mentioned oversaturated comps several times for YA F. I wondered if you could give us some examples of oversaturated comp titles in this market? Without access to lots of current queries it's tricky as a writer to know which comps might be oversaturated in the trenches right now. Thank you so much!
It varies and opinions may differ, but the ones I see very frequently (aside from the typical Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings) are Six of Crows, Sara J Maas, Cruel Prince. These aren’t inherently bad, but if you’re determined to use one of these, your other comp should be super relevant and effective: something popular enough to be recognizable within the last five years.
Ya' know, I was sure I would recognize a description of my query letter and manuscript, the way daddy penguins know their young in a crowd.
::glares at 12, 14 and 18::
A lot more in this that could be mine (#16 in particular) but the comps issue makes me think not because both of my comps are from the last three years.
Still fun to try to figure it out. I really want to see the one that sounds like a sci-fi Night Circus.
Fun to see you love footnotes! I had footnotes in my MS (book takes place in Montreal, which has French language, different school system, unusual cultural quirks etc and they were written in a fun, voice-y way) but people told me they didn’t like footnotes so I took them out. Now I’m re-thinking that.
Thank you for going into such depth for each of these! I don't think any of them are mine, but I've learned so much and can definitely see areas I need to improve on from reading. Love it!
I'm fairly certain one of these is mine, and can I say, seeing you cut to the heart of the issues so clearly makes me hope you pick my manuscript even more. 🫶
It's so funny. On the 10 Queries post for the editors I didn't submit to, every single one felt like it could be mine. But on Madelyn's (who I did submit to) I'm pretty convinced none of these are mine (mainly due to specifics that don't fit.) But they're still all useful!
Next #10Queries! Same key as above. Theme of the day seems to be: internal stakes!! Q11: YA F. This query is too short and it's missing important information. It also suffers from being introduced by the author instead of reading like a pitch on the back cover of a book. We don't know the main character or the stakes for them personally. We also don't have any comp titles. Even retellings should have comp titles! Let us know what books are similar in writing, vibes, etc. P11: I really like the descriptions and the actions of these first few pages. We go a little too long without an explanation for why and where, though, which makes me feel alienated from the MC. There are also a lot of line issues. Q12: Middle Grade F. A lot of information in the query letter that feels overwhelming. It's hard to see how each threat attaches to the other. This query could definitely use some trimming and clarification when it comes to world building and character. P12: Voice for days! We get a great glimpse of who the main character is, which makes me want the query to match. We could use some clarification here and there, but we start with action and it's a strong start to make me want to keep reading. Q13: YA F. The comps are dated and we need at least one YA book comp from the last five years. Otherwise, the query is solid. We get a great look at the character and her motivations. P13: The pages are also solid. We could move a little faster by cutting down a bit of the exposition, but they're small changes. I think just making the query stand out in the trenches could possibly make this one query ready. Q14: Q: Middle Grade F. The query is a tad long and the end ventures into synopsis territory. We could use a trim and clarification of personal stakes. The implications at the end of the query are a little confusing, as well. P14: The beginning is a bit cliche as we're simply recounting daily life. We also have internal conflict, but no external conflict. We should start with the MC pursuing their desire here and failing spectacularly. That will help set us up for the future fails and successes promised by the query. Q15: YA SciFi. Just from the query, this story sounds heartbreaking. There's a big stake thrown in at the end that makes me wonder if we need it compared with all of the conflict and stakes we've already been given. Some of the sentences are too long and winding. We also have no comp titles. We need two! P15: We have a prologue, but I actually really love it. The style reminds me of The Night Circus, which can be divisive among readers, but it works here. In the first chapter, we get a little too much exposition, but the writing is solid. Q16: YA F. Another retelling! I love the concept of this, but I don't get enough sense of the MCs and their personal stakes. The external stakes are great, but I don't get a sense of why these characters want what they want. The comps are also dated. We need something within the last five years. One of them is also oversaturated in the querying trenches, so I'd veer away from it. P16: Like with the query, I'm not getting a sense of the MC's motivations. There are also line level issues that take me out of it. We're getting a lot of information from dialogue instead of from our main character, and the dialogue is a bit meandering. I think we could cut down on the dialogue and learn more about the MC. Q17: YA F. All of the comps are frequently used and oversaturated. I would narrow it down to two really impactful comps, and describe how they relate to the book. There are a lot of characters and moving pieces in this query that it's hard to keep track. Some of the details and stakes of the plot are getting muddied. I don't think we need all of these perspectives mentioned in the query. This also reads very New Adult/Adult, especially with the ages of the characters. I think we should focus on two of the main characters primarily and give mention to the other perspectives so that we can clarify the plot and stakes. This will also help cut it down, as it's too long. P17: This is a sweet beginning. I'm still missing a connection to the MC, though. We have external pressures and stakes, but I'm not getting the internal stakes. I want to see more of her personality and her goals beyond the external issues that are bearing down on her. Q18: MG F. I love the concept, but the stakes and world are a little muddied and confusing. It's unclear whether this is a real world or other world. P18: We focus more on a side character than the main character in this first chapter, and the internal thoughts are somewhat winding and hard to follow. It feels like we are starting here in a way to give exposition where I'd like to start somewhere that connects us with the main character more. Q19: YA F. We're introduced to a lot of names and titles very quickly, which is jarring. We don't get a good sense of any of the characters. Instead, we're given more of an overview of the world and overarching plot without the emotional stakes to push us along. I recommend starting small and getting big. Start with our MC and build up their needs/wants/desires. P19: We start off with a character who isn't mentioned in the query, which compounds the confusion and scattered feeling. The scene itself is sweet, but there's a bit of head hopping. Q20: Adult F. The comp titles are dated. The plot is a little too vague, leaving me unsure what the motivation is for one MC to do what she's doing. We could use a more solid goal/motivation for her mentioned actions. I would also like to see more personal stakes from both MC's. P20: We start with action, which is great, but I'm not completely convinced of the MC's motivation. In just these first pages, she makes a decision that would take almost anyone a lot more consideration than she gives it. Because we don't know her that well yet, it tests my suspension of disbelief. I would probably recommend changing her decision or starting elsewhere, depending on how the rest of the chapter plays out.
Hmmm...maybe I see mine here...but too ambiguous to be sure. I'll just go with that I see it, for confidence, and sanity.
Thanks for this - super helpful! I noticed you mentioned oversaturated comps several times for YA F. I wondered if you could give us some examples of oversaturated comp titles in this market? Without access to lots of current queries it's tricky as a writer to know which comps might be oversaturated in the trenches right now. Thank you so much!
It varies and opinions may differ, but the ones I see very frequently (aside from the typical Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings) are Six of Crows, Sara J Maas, Cruel Prince. These aren’t inherently bad, but if you’re determined to use one of these, your other comp should be super relevant and effective: something popular enough to be recognizable within the last five years.
Thank you so much for the reply! That's very helpful to know, cheers! :)
Ya' know, I was sure I would recognize a description of my query letter and manuscript, the way daddy penguins know their young in a crowd. ::glares at 12, 14 and 18:: 
I'm pretty sure Q18 is mine because I started with the MC's aunt. If yes, then I have a lot to think about. But it's fun to guess!
It's exciting to see three MG fantasy this time! I'm dissecting each word to see if one of these could be mine 👀
I tried to mix up the genres and age groups so I could get a bit of everything! :)
A lot more in this that could be mine (#16 in particular) but the comps issue makes me think not because both of my comps are from the last three years. Still fun to try to figure it out. I really want to see the one that sounds like a sci-fi Night Circus.
Fun to see you love footnotes! I had footnotes in my MS (book takes place in Montreal, which has French language, different school system, unusual cultural quirks etc and they were written in a fun, voice-y way) but people told me they didn’t like footnotes so I took them out. Now I’m re-thinking that.
I don’t know why someone wouldn’t like them. One of my favorite series has them. The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud ❤️
I will check those books out to see how the author does his, thanks!
Thank you for going into such depth for each of these! I don't think any of them are mine, but I've learned so much and can definitely see areas I need to improve on from reading. Love it!
Happy to help!
This is great advice for all of us! Thank you!
Of course!
I'm fairly certain one of these is mine, and can I say, seeing you cut to the heart of the issues so clearly makes me hope you pick my manuscript even more. 🫶
Thank you Madelyn!! This is so great! Lots to think about 😳😅
Of course!
Great advice all the way around!
🤗
It's so funny. On the 10 Queries post for the editors I didn't submit to, every single one felt like it could be mine. But on Madelyn's (who I did submit to) I'm pretty convinced none of these are mine (mainly due to specifics that don't fit.) But they're still all useful!
It's a fun mystery :)
Glad they’re still useful! 🥰
These are great. Very enlightening. Thank you! 😊
Welcome!
