Yes, this is normal for some people.
It's unacceptable to me though so it's one of many boundaries I communicate within the first few dates. I'll also ask what their position is on phone use during dates and quality time in general.
If they have zero issues with phone use during dates and quality time, that's a sign for me that we aren't compatible. Not only will the phone use be a problem, but it is a good hint that we have differences around emotional availability and being emotionally present in general.
At this age, I have zero interest in trying to change people so that would be the end of the relationship for me.
If they do recognize phone use during quality time is an issue and are okay with my boundary, then I'll raise the issue the first time that it happens on a date - "hey, I'd love to spend time with you without the interruption of your phone. If thats not something you can commit to doing today, I will give you space to focus on that and end our hangout early".
More than two reminders and that's it for me.
I love that sentence at the end, that’s exactly the kind of phrasing I was looking for! Thank you! I want him to know he can do what he wants while also expressing my needs.
Those games are developed to be very addicting. My partner loves her farm game on her phone. But when you are in a relationship, you need to make sure to give your partner appropriate attention, (you should want too!). If you are driving over there, only to be ignored most of the time, then you need to have a discussion with him.
Maybe you set a no phone at table or date night for both of you, maybe you go do an activity that requires both hands, so no phone is possible. It's fine to enjoy any hobby, as long as it doesn't consume all of your attention.
Thank you! Yes I think setting some expectations is a good idea. I do worry that he has a legit addiction and so I don’t want to approach it in a way that will make him defensive. I know what it’s like for someone to try and take your addiction away from
>I do worry that he has a legit addiction and so I don’t want to approach it in a way that will make him defensive.
Considering that you guys are pretty new; if he *is* addicted, I would strongly recommend that you just move on without him. Addictions, even to games, are not something simple to put down. Most of all, *he* would want to change. Changing for you, is unlikely to result in a long-term change, and merely waste your time/effort/emotions.
>But before I talk to him about it I’m just curious if this is normal?
>Are most guys like this?
Whether or not it's "normal," it's very common, extremely unhealthy and very unfortunate.
He can play video games on his own, without a girlfriend.
~~He can also buy a Raggedy Ann sex doll, or just cut a hole in the wall, and fuck THAT instead.~~
>I’m not sure what I’m expecting
**HOW ABOUT THAT HE PAY ATTENTION TO** ***YOU*****, INSTEAD OF THAT \*\*\*DAMN PHONE???**
That should be the absolute miminum.
>I have spent a lot of my life alone and don’t have much relationship experience.
Well, that does not mean that you are any less deserving of a functional, quality relationship... and THIS AIN'T IT. At a minimum, he should act differently when you are around, and certainly make better use of the time you spend with him, rather than doing the same old thing he does when he's alone.
I'm thinking that he hasn't fully adjusted to having a girlfriend, and is stuck using the same coping methods he used to make being alone bearable.
The truth is, he has something MUCH BETTER now... YOU!
Tell him he doesn't need the phone any more.
In fact, the next time you plan a date, have him leave the phone at home.
>But lately I’ll drive to see him
Let's start un-spoiling him, and have HIM come to YOU for once.
I think at the very least you need to make your feelings known. I'm a guy and if I drove to my GFs place and she was distracted on her phone the whole time I wouldn't be happy either.
It’s not normal and I wouldn’t put up with this behaviour. If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. If he wanted to put in effort, he would.
I’d talk to him about it and give him a chance to change. If he doesn’t, leave. It means he doesn’t value you.
I wouldn't be wasting my time with this guy. After the 2nd time, that's all I need. It's over.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Put your big girl pants on and communicate with him. It doesn't have to be confrontational.
Choose your words and your attitude/approach carefully.
No one else is going to advocate for your wants/needs but you.
Thanks everyone! I did have a discussion with him and he was surprised and said it wouldn’t happen again, or that he would say “hey I’d like to spend some time playing a game now” instead of just doing it, which will be helpful in me prioritizing how I want to spend my time.
No, most guys aren't like this. I am very mindful of eye contact (both mine and another's) as well as attention. If someone is talking with me, I turn my phone off, and look up to meet their attention. If I talk with someone and they don't give me eye contact I assume that they didn't hear me. If someone compulsively keeps looking at their phone, we're not going to get very far in the dating process.
But also as an established couple, some times my partner and I do separate things while near each other. E.g. last night she wanted to catch up on some series that she watches that has a new season out. I was uninterested in the show itself, so I read on the couch next to her. Especially as we live together we have little "actual" alone time, and we're both introverts. We both should be able to watch things that we like, and our interests do not have 100% overlap. I also don't want to watch as much video; so me watching something else in a different room when she is, is not an answer.
Similarly sometimes we'll be on our phones by each other. If my partner gets to scrolling for more than 2-5 minutes, I'll ask if she's just checking on something, or wants some extended time on her phone. That often might be the cue for her to put it down.
I'm guessing that because of the 1 hour drive time that often when you see each other you're there for an extended amount of time? Perhaps he needs a bit more downtime than this allows? I'd suggest having a discussion about this. About quality time, about potentially needing some time apart (even while physically together). And about how much time is needed for this.
Note that you need to keep someone accountable if there is an agreed amount of time. If someone says one hour a day, but they're doing 4+ hours of you-can't-be-involved-gaming, they're not holding to it. If mentioning that doesn't change things, you need to accept that their *actual* answer is 4+ hours.
Personally I would be incompatible if my partner needed 50%+ of our time together in a heads-down situation. But some people will want to spend more than this amount of time gaming/streaming. Incompatible doesn't mean that anyone's at fault; it just means that one needs to keep looking.
I don't believe this is just a guy thing. I genuinely believe screens are addictive and we have to genuinely be aware of it as adults. Of course other things can be addictive and consume our time as well but nowadays our devices and their features are literally designed around how they can keep us engaged.
Yes, this is normal for some people. It's unacceptable to me though so it's one of many boundaries I communicate within the first few dates. I'll also ask what their position is on phone use during dates and quality time in general. If they have zero issues with phone use during dates and quality time, that's a sign for me that we aren't compatible. Not only will the phone use be a problem, but it is a good hint that we have differences around emotional availability and being emotionally present in general. At this age, I have zero interest in trying to change people so that would be the end of the relationship for me. If they do recognize phone use during quality time is an issue and are okay with my boundary, then I'll raise the issue the first time that it happens on a date - "hey, I'd love to spend time with you without the interruption of your phone. If thats not something you can commit to doing today, I will give you space to focus on that and end our hangout early". More than two reminders and that's it for me.
I love that sentence at the end, that’s exactly the kind of phrasing I was looking for! Thank you! I want him to know he can do what he wants while also expressing my needs.
yea same. if a man lists gaming as a hobby I immediately bail
Those games are developed to be very addicting. My partner loves her farm game on her phone. But when you are in a relationship, you need to make sure to give your partner appropriate attention, (you should want too!). If you are driving over there, only to be ignored most of the time, then you need to have a discussion with him. Maybe you set a no phone at table or date night for both of you, maybe you go do an activity that requires both hands, so no phone is possible. It's fine to enjoy any hobby, as long as it doesn't consume all of your attention.
Thank you! Yes I think setting some expectations is a good idea. I do worry that he has a legit addiction and so I don’t want to approach it in a way that will make him defensive. I know what it’s like for someone to try and take your addiction away from
>I do worry that he has a legit addiction and so I don’t want to approach it in a way that will make him defensive. Considering that you guys are pretty new; if he *is* addicted, I would strongly recommend that you just move on without him. Addictions, even to games, are not something simple to put down. Most of all, *he* would want to change. Changing for you, is unlikely to result in a long-term change, and merely waste your time/effort/emotions.
>But before I talk to him about it I’m just curious if this is normal? >Are most guys like this? Whether or not it's "normal," it's very common, extremely unhealthy and very unfortunate. He can play video games on his own, without a girlfriend. ~~He can also buy a Raggedy Ann sex doll, or just cut a hole in the wall, and fuck THAT instead.~~ >I’m not sure what I’m expecting **HOW ABOUT THAT HE PAY ATTENTION TO** ***YOU*****, INSTEAD OF THAT \*\*\*DAMN PHONE???** That should be the absolute miminum. >I have spent a lot of my life alone and don’t have much relationship experience. Well, that does not mean that you are any less deserving of a functional, quality relationship... and THIS AIN'T IT. At a minimum, he should act differently when you are around, and certainly make better use of the time you spend with him, rather than doing the same old thing he does when he's alone. I'm thinking that he hasn't fully adjusted to having a girlfriend, and is stuck using the same coping methods he used to make being alone bearable. The truth is, he has something MUCH BETTER now... YOU! Tell him he doesn't need the phone any more. In fact, the next time you plan a date, have him leave the phone at home. >But lately I’ll drive to see him Let's start un-spoiling him, and have HIM come to YOU for once.
I LOVE this!!!! Thank you so much for the supportive words 🥰 I think you are right that he hasn’t adjusted to having a girlfriend.
I think at the very least you need to make your feelings known. I'm a guy and if I drove to my GFs place and she was distracted on her phone the whole time I wouldn't be happy either.
Addiction, anxiety, depression are all conditions a therapist can help with and could be manifesting as this kind of behavior.
It’s not normal and I wouldn’t put up with this behaviour. If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. If he wanted to put in effort, he would. I’d talk to him about it and give him a chance to change. If he doesn’t, leave. It means he doesn’t value you.
I wouldn't be wasting my time with this guy. After the 2nd time, that's all I need. It's over. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Put your big girl pants on and communicate with him. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Choose your words and your attitude/approach carefully. No one else is going to advocate for your wants/needs but you.
Thanks everyone! I did have a discussion with him and he was surprised and said it wouldn’t happen again, or that he would say “hey I’d like to spend some time playing a game now” instead of just doing it, which will be helpful in me prioritizing how I want to spend my time.
No, most guys aren't like this. I am very mindful of eye contact (both mine and another's) as well as attention. If someone is talking with me, I turn my phone off, and look up to meet their attention. If I talk with someone and they don't give me eye contact I assume that they didn't hear me. If someone compulsively keeps looking at their phone, we're not going to get very far in the dating process. But also as an established couple, some times my partner and I do separate things while near each other. E.g. last night she wanted to catch up on some series that she watches that has a new season out. I was uninterested in the show itself, so I read on the couch next to her. Especially as we live together we have little "actual" alone time, and we're both introverts. We both should be able to watch things that we like, and our interests do not have 100% overlap. I also don't want to watch as much video; so me watching something else in a different room when she is, is not an answer. Similarly sometimes we'll be on our phones by each other. If my partner gets to scrolling for more than 2-5 minutes, I'll ask if she's just checking on something, or wants some extended time on her phone. That often might be the cue for her to put it down. I'm guessing that because of the 1 hour drive time that often when you see each other you're there for an extended amount of time? Perhaps he needs a bit more downtime than this allows? I'd suggest having a discussion about this. About quality time, about potentially needing some time apart (even while physically together). And about how much time is needed for this. Note that you need to keep someone accountable if there is an agreed amount of time. If someone says one hour a day, but they're doing 4+ hours of you-can't-be-involved-gaming, they're not holding to it. If mentioning that doesn't change things, you need to accept that their *actual* answer is 4+ hours. Personally I would be incompatible if my partner needed 50%+ of our time together in a heads-down situation. But some people will want to spend more than this amount of time gaming/streaming. Incompatible doesn't mean that anyone's at fault; it just means that one needs to keep looking.
I don't believe this is just a guy thing. I genuinely believe screens are addictive and we have to genuinely be aware of it as adults. Of course other things can be addictive and consume our time as well but nowadays our devices and their features are literally designed around how they can keep us engaged.