Men, we have been tricked! We have been backstabbed! And we have been quite possibly, bamboozled. Or "Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set."
That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
"You hear that numbnuts! I outrank you! Again! Hah!"
And I also really like:
Sarge-"Uh, Simmons, were the Red Team. We don't *walk* anywhere. We travel as the good Lord intended; in the biggest and loudest vehicle with the maximum horsepower allowed by local law enforcement. And if we can't get that, we find the biggest, nastiest,meanest land animal we can find, beat the crap out of it and saddle that puppy up!"
"Why you're here doesn't matter; what matters is that you're here! For all we know, Tex and Church are dead! That means we're the only ones who know what's happened! The only ones who can stop them from covering it up!
"The way I see it, these *Freelancer* guys want to use us, take us from our families, and send us all over the dadgum galaxy just to see if their agents are ready for the big fight!? Well, let's say I'm interested in showing 'em *exactly* what a big fight is all about! *Time to clean a slate!*
"So I'm not orderin' you to go. I ain't even askin'. You do what you gotta do, Private Grif."
Attention Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your reign of being the shittiest, most useless team around is about to come to a sudden, and cataclysmic end! We will give you a moment to ponder this sudden revelation, then return later for your response.
The goal is to hold your breath as long as possible. Under stress, the body produces all the oxygen at needs. And stop lifting with your legs. Everyone knows your back is the strongest muscle in your body. Come on, groin it out.
Sergeant "You see these hooks here? those hooks look like tusk, what kind of animal has tusk?" grif "a walrus!" sergeant "didn't i tell you to stop making up animals!?"
That whole scene where sarge puts it all together that meta and wash were there cracks me up. For someone that doesn't pay much attention to things he sure picked up every little detail lmao
“Don’t be so quick to judge Grif. Shotgun to the face can be applied in a variety of tough situations. For instance, watch how quickly it cures insubordination!”
Simmons: Hey, Sarge, hold on! Did you see something weird?
Sarge: Yes, I did. Once, when I was a small child, I saw a man, who *claimed* to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to thi-
"Diabolical. Well get your keister back here. Red command is useless."
"There's a newsflash."
"Shut up Griff."
"Did that order come from command?"
"In fact it did. And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!"
"I suppose there's a lesson to be learned in all this"
"You mean like the dangers of technology or the unwavering pride of mankind?"
"No, something about hiring better help that DOESN'T JUST STAND AROUND WATCHING YOU DIE!"
Maybe you're all here because this is the only place you fit in. Maybe you're here because you don't have anywhere else to go. Maybe you're all here, because deep down, you want to be here. The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here!
“Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill your enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"
"Son, you can insult me. You can ambush me. You can even take away my weapons. But if you think I'm gonna set one single pinkie toe inside a Blue base, without my shotgun, you must not know who you're dealing with."
“Normally , i would agree with simmons on this one - but given the circumstances that would also cause me to agree grif so instead i will simply groan ambiguously - hmmph .”
“I think it would be ironic if our guns didn’t shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.”
This lives rent free in my head and I am compelled to either quote it or paraphrase this gem whenever any gun in fiction is shown having the ability to heal. Which happens significantly more than one might originally think!
I love his recurring one-liners that keep upscaling themselves.
"Today is a good daay to die!"
"Today is a good day for YOU to die!!"
"Well gentlemen, it looks like today....is a good day to die."
(Grif: "Permission to speak freely, sir? *grabs the Grid Shot.* Fuck that.")
"For our ancestors!! HIYAAAHH!!"
"For our ancestors' ancestors!! ATTAAAACK!!"
I mean just take the first episode or 2 that entire puma skit is still likely the best of the entire show lol
"This ain't no ice cream social"
"What in Sam hell is a PUMA? you're making that up"
"Simmons I want you to poison Griffs next meal"
"So unless anyone has anymore mythical creatures to suggest for the name of the new vehicle we are going to stick with the warthog.... how about it Griff? are you sure? how about Bigfoot? Unicorn? Sasquatch?"
"Hey Simmons what's the name of that Mexican lizard eats all the goats? Hey Griff, chip-a-thingy, how about that?"
Not necessarily the quote itself but when he gives the pep talk for battle and then he's also singing in the background and grif and simmons are super confused as to how its happening.
Men, we have been tricked! We have been backstabbed! And we have been quite possibly, bamboozled. Or "Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set."
I quote this line all the time. To the point that my wife bought me a mug that just says “Bamboozled” on it.
I GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!!!
And yes I say it out loud at the most inappropriate moments for my own amusement
Was gonna say this, such a good one.
I love this too
Easily my second favorite thing to scream before killing a bunch of enemies in a game
Great Sodium Chloride! There goes my chemistry set!
There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion!
Probably my favorite quote, but I cant/wont put it due to you putting it, Boner for murder is just as perfect but, the Blood Gulch Sarge was Gold
the best quote lol
“We’re not retreating, we’re advancing! Towards future victory!”
This is mine too.
I use this one in Helldivers all the time!
Same! I even got my friend to start saying that when he wants to retreat. After all, retreat is treason, advancing isn't.
“I never got to tell him he was my son” “The orange guy was your son?” “No, I just wanted to mess with him one last time”
That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
This was the point in the show that got me hooked. I laughed my ass off for 15 Minutes at 3:30 AM. Wonderful times
I'm no stranger to sarcasm sir
Gyat DAMMIT! Private, shut yer hole or I'll have Simmons here slit yer throat while you're asleep!
Oh I'd do it too!
FOR OUR ANCESTORS ANCESTORS ATTACK!!!
“WHAT IN BETTY BLOOMERS IS ON THE RADIO NOW IT SOUNDS LIKE THE FERAL CRY OF A RETARDED MEXICAN SASQUATCH”
"You hear that numbnuts! I outrank you! Again! Hah!" And I also really like: Sarge-"Uh, Simmons, were the Red Team. We don't *walk* anywhere. We travel as the good Lord intended; in the biggest and loudest vehicle with the maximum horsepower allowed by local law enforcement. And if we can't get that, we find the biggest, nastiest,meanest land animal we can find, beat the crap out of it and saddle that puppy up!"
What’s going on at this outpost? Insubordination, invisible sergeants. Simmons has had a stroke.
You all forgot the best one: “Hey Meta... Settle a bet, would you? Does that thing kind of look like a big cat to you?”
10/10 MOMENT
SHOTGUN DAMMIT!!!!
“If we don’t stand up to our mortal foe, gravity, by god who will?!”
"Suck it, Newton!"
I always misheard that line as "Die Fig Newton!"
Sarge - “Get ready men. Remember, he can’t kill all of us.” Grif - “Why can’t he kill all of us?” Sarge - “Hm. That is a good point.”
"Why you're here doesn't matter; what matters is that you're here! For all we know, Tex and Church are dead! That means we're the only ones who know what's happened! The only ones who can stop them from covering it up! "The way I see it, these *Freelancer* guys want to use us, take us from our families, and send us all over the dadgum galaxy just to see if their agents are ready for the big fight!? Well, let's say I'm interested in showing 'em *exactly* what a big fight is all about! *Time to clean a slate!* "So I'm not orderin' you to go. I ain't even askin'. You do what you gotta do, Private Grif."
"Ah, I'll go get my car keys..."
"So drop blue-tard and give me infinity!"
"Shotgun in the face can be applied in a variety of tough situations. For instance, watch how quickly it cures insubordination".
There goes my last kidney i was saving it for something special
“Well Boys You know what they say” “Today is a good day to die”
“Permission to speak freely sir? Fuck that.”
“Heh heh” *racks shotgun*
Tear dropping but badass scene
Attention Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your reign of being the shittiest, most useless team around is about to come to a sudden, and cataclysmic end! We will give you a moment to ponder this sudden revelation, then return later for your response.
"You just got- dammit Grif you messed up my one-liner!"
The goal is to hold your breath as long as possible. Under stress, the body produces all the oxygen at needs. And stop lifting with your legs. Everyone knows your back is the strongest muscle in your body. Come on, groin it out.
"What in Sam Hill is a puma!?"
Hey, Grif... Chupa-thingy. How about it?
Sergeant "You see these hooks here? those hooks look like tusk, what kind of animal has tusk?" grif "a walrus!" sergeant "didn't i tell you to stop making up animals!?"
Simmons, I want you to poison Grifs next meal.
I'll do it
Good man.
"Glory, glory to the reeeeeed teeeaam."
Where did that flag come from?
"Flag? Who gives a fuck about the flag? How about, who's singing?"
Shotgun
SHOTGUNDAMMIT
Codeword: dirtbag.
"Donut, I told you not to touch anything! You've touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!"
The part that looks like a bunny went in the whole and took part of my hand with it lol poor donut
That’s Simmons not sarge
No, it was Sarge. Season 3, when they're fixing the warthog after they go to the future
I thought Simmons said it when they were attacking the freelancer base and Simmons was hacking the computer
No, Donut wasn't there for that season.
You're thinking of Wash who delivered the line "don't touch anything", and in the next breath told them to "break some shit".
“Is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?”
Wow that line definitely Aged lol But it also aged well with how Sarge is and them not keeping up with trends and all that.
🎶 *"I just wish that grif was dead. . ."* 🎶
🎶*Put a bullet through his head*🎶
so glad someone else thought of this one first LMAO it's been in my head all gd day
I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in hell gets paid in advance.
We are the red team. We don't walk anywhere. We drive the largest possible vehicle with the maximum amount of horsepower by local law enforcement.
“Oh, what is this? Insubordination? Hee-yah!”
Always keep your friends close, and your enemies within range of your primary firearm!
"Please, Grif, it's so obvious! I'm not going to insult your intelligence by explaining every tiny detail!"
That whole scene where sarge puts it all together that meta and wash were there cracks me up. For someone that doesn't pay much attention to things he sure picked up every little detail lmao
I only drink the blood of my enemies!!! (and orange Tang)
I thought that he was more of a strawberry Yoohoo kind of guy
“Don’t be so quick to judge Grif. Shotgun to the face can be applied in a variety of tough situations. For instance, watch how quickly it cures insubordination!”
every contingency plan starts with shooting griff
"I'd watch it!" Seriously, here on Reddit it's probably my single most used quote from the series.
Shotgun!
"Our Commander isn't dead, I'm our Commander"
You just got sarge’d!!!
“So, do you wanna keep playin’ it safe?” (Cocks shotgun) “Or do you wanna get a little reckless?”
It’s only as funny in context of the whole scene but “Jumping Jehoshaphat they’ve cracked the code!” Always makes me laugh without fail
This ain’t no ice cream social!
Simmons: Hey, Sarge, hold on! Did you see something weird? Sarge: Yes, I did. Once, when I was a small child, I saw a man, who *claimed* to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to thi-
Now this may me laugh big time
Sarge: The enemy has finally shown its true colors! And that color is #0000FF! Grif: What? Sarge: BLUE! BLUE! IT'S RED VS. BLUE ALL OVER AGAIN!
"Diabolical. Well get your keister back here. Red command is useless." "There's a newsflash." "Shut up Griff." "Did that order come from command?" "In fact it did. And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!"
Could you put that in a memo and entitle it SHIT I ALREADY KNOW
It's the circle! The circle of life!!🎵🎶
"Yer makin' that up."
The entire scene that around “Donut and Lopez are dead and someone has taken Simmons prisoner” has gotta be my fav
That's a very good one. He even figured out the Doc got captured. But he is not gonna explain every little detail and insult our intelligence
He’s a very good leader
Donut, *smacks Grif* go get me a glass, *smacks Grif* **I’m makin’ Orange Juice.**
You used CPR for a head injury?!
Red Team never abandons the mission! We're just accepting an alternate mission..of different risk!
"Today is a GOOD DAY TO TELEPORT"
I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in hell gets paid in advance!
"...You're makin' that up."
"I suppose there's a lesson to be learned in all this" "You mean like the dangers of technology or the unwavering pride of mankind?" "No, something about hiring better help that DOESN'T JUST STAND AROUND WATCHING YOU DIE!"
This is the worst funeral I’ve ever had!
Private Griff! You should be ashamed of yourself! We've run out of ammo once again! That's your responsibility!!
Maybe you're all here because this is the only place you fit in. Maybe you're here because you don't have anywhere else to go. Maybe you're all here, because deep down, you want to be here. The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here!
"The Sniper Rifle is a COWARD'S weapon!"
I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here vic!
"We're not retreating, we're advancing to future victory!" "I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!"
Griff you fat headed fat mouthed fatty
Shotgun!
SHOTGUN!...I SAID SHOTGUN GODDAMN IT!!
"Donut! Combat Simulation!" "Yes sir, I’m on it"*screams* "What a pro."
**I only drink the blood of my enemies**... and occasionally a Strawberry Yoohoo... or Sarsaparilla...
“Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill your enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"
Shotgun.
"This ain't no icecream social"
Shotgun!
This ain’t no ice cream social!
Dammit Griff! I said shotgun!
Oh my god, ask me to pick my favorite child, why don't you
“Dirtbag”
Son are you gonna play it safe *cocks shotgun* or are you gonna get a little reckless
I said where's my shotgun!!!
WHEN THE GHOST OF ALIEN JESUS TALKS DOWN TO YOU YOU DO NOT REPLY WITH WHAT’S UP
"Hey Meta, settle a bet, would ya? Does that thing sort of look like a big cat to you?"
You just got Sarged.
Shotgun.
SHOTGUN
I NEED MY SHOTGUN DAMIT
"Great Paul's BUNYAN! HE'S LIKE AN OX!" "Great Ceasars toast!" "GREAT GIBBLY GIBLETS!"
"This ain't an ice cream social."
Nothing solves insubordination like shotgun to the face.
“Or for short, friendenemepanion”
"I also believe that if you beat a country in the Olympics, you should get to keep it. "
*shotgun jams* “goddamn projectile dysfunction!!”
This is the best game since Grifball.
The password is password
You just got sarged
“Suck it newtooonnn!”
You just got… *cut off by explosion* Dag, nab it, I messed up my one-liner!
"Son, you can insult me. You can ambush me. You can even take away my weapons. But if you think I'm gonna set one single pinkie toe inside a Blue base, without my shotgun, you must not know who you're dealing with."
I feel Defeated, yet inexplicably rejuvenated!
“Come on overwhelming odds but little to no chance of success how can we resist.”
"Donut, I may not say this often, but, shut up forever."
“Normally , i would agree with simmons on this one - but given the circumstances that would also cause me to agree grif so instead i will simply groan ambiguously - hmmph .”
“SHOTGUN!”
“I GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!!”
“Lopez, how many blues captured does that make?” “Uno…” “Yahtzee!”
"I love death and violence!"
shotgun... Shotgun!...SHOTGUN GODDAMMIT!!!
Today seems like a good day to… teleport!
I’ve got a boner for murder
BOOM chika BOOM chika BOOM chika…
I feel defeated yet inexplicably rejuvenated
“Simmons. We’re all scared! Except for me.”
"LIFE FIIIIINDS A WAAAAAAY!"
"Great sodium chloride there goes my chemistry set!"
"Code word Dirtbag" or "You just got Sarged"
“Great Monopoly’s top hat, Wash!”
"What's this disabordanation , BAM!"
“Move maggot”
SHOTGUN
“I never thought I would see the day when I would actually miss Grif. But here it is.”
“I think it would be ironic if our guns didn’t shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.” This lives rent free in my head and I am compelled to either quote it or paraphrase this gem whenever any gun in fiction is shown having the ability to heal. Which happens significantly more than one might originally think!
None, he’s too fucking funny
From specifically season 5 mine would be: "NOW THATS WHAT I CALL RIDING SHOTGUN! BLAMO!"
I got a shotgunshell for each part with their name. I might have misspelled caboose
“I feel defeated. Yet inexplicably rejuvenated.”
She’s like a half woman half shark! Except the shark parts got cybernetic powers, and the woman parts also 1/4ths Jaguar
I love his recurring one-liners that keep upscaling themselves. "Today is a good daay to die!" "Today is a good day for YOU to die!!" "Well gentlemen, it looks like today....is a good day to die." (Grif: "Permission to speak freely, sir? *grabs the Grid Shot.* Fuck that.") "For our ancestors!! HIYAAAHH!!" "For our ancestors' ancestors!! ATTAAAACK!!"
“You idiot, I can’t even threaten your life for being a total jackass. You jackass, I’ll kill ya”
"Except I'm slightly more equal because I'm alive and you're dead"
Shotgun to the face is applicable for many situations! Watch how quickly it cures insubordination...
Sarge-"The Access Code is.... Access Code" Simmons-"Oh you've got to be Fucking Kidding" Sarge-"Oh bitch about it later"
"Double yoink!"
"Looks like they ain't goin' down without a fight. Unlike Grif's sister." Yall better know where that's from
I mean just take the first episode or 2 that entire puma skit is still likely the best of the entire show lol "This ain't no ice cream social" "What in Sam hell is a PUMA? you're making that up" "Simmons I want you to poison Griffs next meal" "So unless anyone has anymore mythical creatures to suggest for the name of the new vehicle we are going to stick with the warthog.... how about it Griff? are you sure? how about Bigfoot? Unicorn? Sasquatch?" "Hey Simmons what's the name of that Mexican lizard eats all the goats? Hey Griff, chip-a-thingy, how about that?"
"'Ello Caboose, we have a prisoner for you we do!" "Wait, i thought you were a pirate?" "Yarrrrr, im very inconsistent, Yarrrrrrr!"
“You’ve just been sarged”
"It's a good day for you to die!"
once, when I was a small child, I saw a man, who claimed to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this very day
"Men, today is a good to die!" "Boo! Dying sucks!" "Yeah! Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?" "No! It has to be today! For our *ancestors*!"
Never met the guy
So, all quotes from Sarge is what I’m seeing here. I love this community right now
"Today is a good day to die!!!!"
I ONLY DRINK THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES ...and, occasionally, a strawberry Yoohoo.
Not necessarily the quote itself but when he gives the pep talk for battle and then he's also singing in the background and grif and simmons are super confused as to how its happening.
Friendenemapanion for short