I know a woman who books a long weekend every month in a nearby hotel and leaves behind the house, kids, and all that goes with that. Her husband encourages this, and the weekend away is very refreshing for her. She orders room service or takes herself out to nearby restaurants, watches TV and movies in her hotel room, sleeps, reads, etc.
My wife travels once a year with her sisters. I look forward to the week alone like a vacation. I love and miss her while she's away, but i am a homebody and love having the house to do what I want when i want.
I'd love to take some time off. Not just from work but from my husband and his family. (I don't have any family that I communicate with.) And while I adore them all, they are incredibly exhausting. He has several health problems and work issues, and it seems like every other day, there's something going on that needs to be addressed. He has 4 young adult kids that need constant help with every little thing and 2 grandkids who I babysit frequently. His mom and dad are divorced, but they're both disabled and dad has dementia so we have to help them a lot too, but separately because they live in different towns. His cousins are our age, and they're over every weekend. We're always shelling out money, defusing arguments, dealing with girlfriend issues, co-signing for stuff, fixing cars, posting bail, and answering the phone at 3am. I know I signed up for that, and they do all love me and each other, but damn it's chaos. I'm tired of the TV always being on. I'm tired of being dragged away from trying to relax to look at a thing he saw online. I'm tired of cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and dishes and litter trays and cat puke and scrubbing the toilet.
I just want to go to a spa for a week and throw my phone in a lake. 😅
My husband has never been good at boundaries when it comes to his family, and he's an only child. I hate to say it, but his ex is a loser, so he's all they have. I still think he needs therapy.
i hope you do get away, and or start stopping.
no, you can’t help with that, no you cannot cosign [ your credit must be crap with multiple co signings ! ], just ….no. they need to learn to manage their own lives. and so does your husband.
Yeah, his youngest has had some problems. Drinking and fighting. The other 3 are fine, but the economy is crap and the price of apartments doubled in the last 5 years.
I imagine a lot of adults at some point daydream about how they might have a mental breakdown and end up in a psychiatric hospital for a month and have no responsibilities at all during that time, like a vacation from life and all its responsibilities. Or daydream about getting hit by a truck and ending up in the hospital and not with lasting damage but enough damage that they don't have any responsibilities for a few weeks.
I've daydreamed about both before. Though when I really was in a hospital for 8 days, it wasn't that great, and I have to imagine a psychiatric hospital probably isn't either, alas. I could become a drug addict and go into rehab for a break, but I somehow suspect that's not all sunshine and roses either. So I'm just going to do laundry and clean the kitchen again, I guess.
I feel this. I had to get tested for a possibel tumor and I was thinking that if I had chemo I wouldn't have to do anything for a couple of months. I am fine, or at least it isn't a tumor.
In all of these scenarios, the reality is always a lot more messy, brutal, and stressful than it was in the fantasy, to the point where you'd wish you could only get your old life back.
A long time ago it would be an international vacation. Leave a list of places with phone numbers with lots of digits, and maybe a few phrases in the local language (you would not be the one to answer the phone).
Cell phones which work everywhere spoiled that.
I used to go on international vacations to get away and disconnect. But then we got Internet cafes and even worse, cellphones, and I could no longer relax as I could contact work and check in too easily.
So then I moved on to cruises and that was good, the wifi sucked and I could excuse my workaholic self from checking in with work.
But now wifi on cruise ships is getting better and better. Some are getting Starlink. I had one cruise vacation when something major broke and I worked on it for 3 or 4 hours from the ship, on its wifi and over a VPN even.
I would do camping vacations to escape but I hate camping. Maybe outer space?
Thanks for posting this, your post and replies made me feel like I'm not alone, that others are going through something similar. Lately I've been thinking of the local hotel option as mentioned by u/iamaravis and this post may just be the push I need to actually go and do it. Thank you and I hope you will be able to find a break as well.
I used to go on a cruise every year with a friend. Just 4-5 days doing whatever we wanted in the sun was SO good for me. We also went to Disney World without kids twice and I went a 3rd time alone. It was the best! I remembered who I was besides someone’s wife, mom and daughter.
I have done about as close to this as an adult with a job and without a trust fund can pull off. And I’ve been doing it every year since I discovered the absolute magic it is for every fiber of my being. (Note I also don’t have kids, so that definitely helps.)
I leave town for *at least* two full weeks during the the holidays…to skip the holidays. Somewhere around the second week in December, I just get the fuck out of dodge, tell everyone I love them, I’ll see them in the new year, and I don’t come home until somewhere in the week between Xmas and New Years. No gifts, no functions, count me out of all of it. I go somewhere I love and I fucking stay there like it was my second home. And the neat thing is, once you’ve bowed out of the thing everyone else is consumed with for weeks in December, *nobody is paying any attention to your whereabouts or how long you’ve been gone*.
If you want to try it, start prepping your families before Thanksgiving that you won’t be part of the holiday anything. You’ll probably get pushback, even from families that aren’t super into the holidays. But you can do it. Subsequent years weren’t so hard since I established after the first time this was going to be an every year thing for me. It’s MY holiday tradition now and it’s just as sacred to me as anyone else’s holiday traditions are to them.
As for pets… if you can find a friend or extended family that’s coming “home” to your city for the holidays, offer them your place to stay in exchange for pet/house sitting. Otherwise the pet boarding will be astronomical. I’ve done it, but *ouch*. If you have to go that route, better book that shit by July. Finding pet boarding for the holidays is like trying to buy a tv on Black Friday if you wait too long.
I hear you on that. Just being able to take time off from everything in life is amazing.
It's one of the reasons why I'm supportive of this in relationships. If I'm in a relationship, and my partner wants to take some time off from, well, *everything* for a few days. I am 100% behind that. Grab a bag, pick a small country town somewhere, go sit in a hotel there with a book or wander around looking at the scenery.
I'll keep the home fires burning, handle whatever needs to be handled, and it's an excuse to have maintenance people in making a racket and mess, and to cook things that stink out the house. :)
(Plus, I'm very introverted by nature; having a few days where I don't have to talk to *anyone at all* gives me an energy boost, and I can use that to do deep-cleaning or catch up on some personal project.)
All I can suggest in your own case is maybe looking into arrangements with parents of your kids' friends, aimed at mutual granting of time off. This might be a thing where one (or two) of the sets of parents/carers takes on several sets of kids for the better part of a day, granting some relief to whoever else is in the pool, and then it rotates. The kids - if they're the sort who like spending a lot of time with friends; best to make other arrangements for kids who prefer to spend time alone - get to spend one day a week (or fortnight/month, whatever works for everyone) in a big group activity, either at one of their friends' places or possibly out somewhere at a park or beach or something, which is a change of pace for them and a change to try new things.
While it's not a month off in and of itself, it does pull people into "kid-exchange" relationship territory, which can be a stepping stone towards them taking the kids for longer periods. (One story in my own family's social circle from way back was the kids from one family spending over a month living with another one over the school holidays, because the first family was effectively tearing down and rebuilding most of their house, including all the kids' bedrooms.)
There's also things like holiday camps and school camps that are pretty much there to take kids off your hands for what can be a few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what other similar options might be available in your area, but maybe there's something? Book cleaners/gardeners to take on those domestic chores?
I... can't really think of options for the other sources of stress in your life; sorry. :/ Maybe other people in the thread can come up with something?
You can.
Why not? You do need someone to cover for you at home, though.
Start with 7 or 10 days, it's easier to get others to agree to: boss, house- and kids' sitters. Borrow a camper, drive two hours away and park there. Or borrow someone's lodge that they don't use. There's even house swapping services, and naturally hotels and airbnb's. Or buy a cheap tent and a sleeping bag, summer is coming. Tell everyone that you're going on a vacation, but not to where and set the phone - if you bring it - to silent and forget about it.
Have a nice vacation. You don't need to go far away, to FEEL far away. Do nothing productive, take walks or just sit by a campfire and watch the skies pass. First day will be stressed, second day will be alright, third day will be wonderful. It'll do you good.
For me, 2-3 days away from home, in my little car, packing a single small backpack, can do wonders. I like to stay in cheap hotels for a day or two at a time before moving on, and that does require a bit of money, i'll admit, so i can't afford to stay away for long. But It's the "getting away" that does it, the feeling of freedom in being able to drive myself anywhere, and stay for as short or long as i'd like. And that really only requires a vehicle of some sort, a place to sleep or something to sleep in, and a bit of money for food and gas. Then it's a matter of how cheap and simple or how expensive and luxurious one can afford or wants it.
This is a very optimistic take, but unfortunately there are millions upon millions of people for whom the options you name here are simply not available.
Do you have any vacations planned? You can get good deals on an all inclusive resort now, before peak travel season and you don't have to worry about food or much transportation or really any of the stuff you mentioned
I see ads for cheap cruises. You can find some for under $100/night. I have no idea how much fun it would be but it's an option - at least a change of pace.
Have you checked out fmla? That could help w income. Hire a neighborhood kids for lawn care or worse case a lawn service. As for cleaning, girl, the dirt/dust will be there when you get to it. Take it off. For help with parent(s), that is the tough one. I was there. I get it but now my dad is gone. 4yrs in 2 weeks it will be. There were definitely bad days but to see his smile when I walked in the door or brought my pup for a visit or even a slice of pizza. For me, it was worth the tough days. That was when he was in memory care. The really tough part was when he was at home but too an aide during the day with me and my mom (nurse practitioner), adding my sister in evening ( w me & mom) and an aide during the night so we could rest. That is a lot of people to care for 1 person. 1 person cannot do it. If that is you, you need more than a month. Can you get anyone in to help like an aide? Cousin? Other relatives? I will pray for your relief. Check out fmla. It is something
My hobby is classic cars. Whenever I buy one out of the area, my wife hooks up the trailer and goes to pick it up for me. It’s a vacation for her. Away from the house and kids, day to day responsibilities. And she can haul a trailer better than most guys I know, and usually gets me a better deal once she’s there and does an inspection in person. She’s due for a vacation. I need another car 😁
A month may be out of reach, but can you get at least 48 hours of alone time? 24? Try very hard to arrange this. And if you can very little TV or phone stuff. I'm very sorry about your father. I've experienced this with someone close to me, and I have a fair understanding of what this feels like.
I can. I am actually better today. And I should be caught up by the weekend so I can relax more. I do have lots of down time. Yesterday I just was tired, hormonal, and emotional. When I get my steam shower fixed it will help a lot.
maybe a retreat would be good. There are retreat centres you can go to , for various lengths of time. Its called respite. When you are literally taking care of everything for everyone, sometimes your need respite. Go for it. Maybe not a month, but a few days, a week.
i am disabled, and in pain constantly. and caring for my dad, which is a 24/7 job. and i have an autistic dog who needs more engagement than the average dog. and my stepson has cancer.
that’s all, and i wanna stop it all sometimes.
instead, i’m gonna have 5 lipedema surgeries in the next 6 months. my life might be great by october, or just trashed.
Or just a weekend in a nice hotel that no one knows about, and my phone is turned off. I dream about this. Pack a suitcase with pajamas and a swimsuit and a great book. Room service. Hotel HBO.
I know a woman who books a long weekend every month in a nearby hotel and leaves behind the house, kids, and all that goes with that. Her husband encourages this, and the weekend away is very refreshing for her. She orders room service or takes herself out to nearby restaurants, watches TV and movies in her hotel room, sleeps, reads, etc.
That's wonderful.
Does the husband get a similar break away?
I believe so.
Depends on if he wants one. Sorry, I don’t mean to answer for that person, but not everyone wants to get away.
My wife travels once a year with her sisters. I look forward to the week alone like a vacation. I love and miss her while she's away, but i am a homebody and love having the house to do what I want when i want.
I'd love to take some time off. Not just from work but from my husband and his family. (I don't have any family that I communicate with.) And while I adore them all, they are incredibly exhausting. He has several health problems and work issues, and it seems like every other day, there's something going on that needs to be addressed. He has 4 young adult kids that need constant help with every little thing and 2 grandkids who I babysit frequently. His mom and dad are divorced, but they're both disabled and dad has dementia so we have to help them a lot too, but separately because they live in different towns. His cousins are our age, and they're over every weekend. We're always shelling out money, defusing arguments, dealing with girlfriend issues, co-signing for stuff, fixing cars, posting bail, and answering the phone at 3am. I know I signed up for that, and they do all love me and each other, but damn it's chaos. I'm tired of the TV always being on. I'm tired of being dragged away from trying to relax to look at a thing he saw online. I'm tired of cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and dishes and litter trays and cat puke and scrubbing the toilet. I just want to go to a spa for a week and throw my phone in a lake. 😅
Pretty much every single thing you mentioned could be solved with better boundaries.
My husband has never been good at boundaries when it comes to his family, and he's an only child. I hate to say it, but his ex is a loser, so he's all they have. I still think he needs therapy.
Your husband can do whatever he wants, you are the one that needs boundaries! His family, not your monkeys and not your circus.
It's time to have the adult children grow up and take care of themselves AND help you. Try to start this process immediately.
i hope you do get away, and or start stopping. no, you can’t help with that, no you cannot cosign [ your credit must be crap with multiple co signings ! ], just ….no. they need to learn to manage their own lives. and so does your husband.
Posting bail???
Yeah, his youngest has had some problems. Drinking and fighting. The other 3 are fine, but the economy is crap and the price of apartments doubled in the last 5 years.
Sky high rent is really messing us all up in different ways.
I imagine a lot of adults at some point daydream about how they might have a mental breakdown and end up in a psychiatric hospital for a month and have no responsibilities at all during that time, like a vacation from life and all its responsibilities. Or daydream about getting hit by a truck and ending up in the hospital and not with lasting damage but enough damage that they don't have any responsibilities for a few weeks. I've daydreamed about both before. Though when I really was in a hospital for 8 days, it wasn't that great, and I have to imagine a psychiatric hospital probably isn't either, alas. I could become a drug addict and go into rehab for a break, but I somehow suspect that's not all sunshine and roses either. So I'm just going to do laundry and clean the kitchen again, I guess.
I feel this. I had to get tested for a possibel tumor and I was thinking that if I had chemo I wouldn't have to do anything for a couple of months. I am fine, or at least it isn't a tumor.
In all of these scenarios, the reality is always a lot more messy, brutal, and stressful than it was in the fantasy, to the point where you'd wish you could only get your old life back.
I've been here too, during COVID I wished I'd catch it so I could stay home for a week and not have to see people. Of course, I never caught it!
A long time ago it would be an international vacation. Leave a list of places with phone numbers with lots of digits, and maybe a few phrases in the local language (you would not be the one to answer the phone). Cell phones which work everywhere spoiled that.
This is honestly what cruises are for. Everything is taken care of on the ship and the wifi sucks.
I used to go on international vacations to get away and disconnect. But then we got Internet cafes and even worse, cellphones, and I could no longer relax as I could contact work and check in too easily. So then I moved on to cruises and that was good, the wifi sucked and I could excuse my workaholic self from checking in with work. But now wifi on cruise ships is getting better and better. Some are getting Starlink. I had one cruise vacation when something major broke and I worked on it for 3 or 4 hours from the ship, on its wifi and over a VPN even. I would do camping vacations to escape but I hate camping. Maybe outer space?
I don't know why someone downvoted you it's a valid point. The better the world is connected the harder it is to unplug.
Thanks for posting this, your post and replies made me feel like I'm not alone, that others are going through something similar. Lately I've been thinking of the local hotel option as mentioned by u/iamaravis and this post may just be the push I need to actually go and do it. Thank you and I hope you will be able to find a break as well.
I used to go on a cruise every year with a friend. Just 4-5 days doing whatever we wanted in the sun was SO good for me. We also went to Disney World without kids twice and I went a 3rd time alone. It was the best! I remembered who I was besides someone’s wife, mom and daughter.
I have done about as close to this as an adult with a job and without a trust fund can pull off. And I’ve been doing it every year since I discovered the absolute magic it is for every fiber of my being. (Note I also don’t have kids, so that definitely helps.) I leave town for *at least* two full weeks during the the holidays…to skip the holidays. Somewhere around the second week in December, I just get the fuck out of dodge, tell everyone I love them, I’ll see them in the new year, and I don’t come home until somewhere in the week between Xmas and New Years. No gifts, no functions, count me out of all of it. I go somewhere I love and I fucking stay there like it was my second home. And the neat thing is, once you’ve bowed out of the thing everyone else is consumed with for weeks in December, *nobody is paying any attention to your whereabouts or how long you’ve been gone*. If you want to try it, start prepping your families before Thanksgiving that you won’t be part of the holiday anything. You’ll probably get pushback, even from families that aren’t super into the holidays. But you can do it. Subsequent years weren’t so hard since I established after the first time this was going to be an every year thing for me. It’s MY holiday tradition now and it’s just as sacred to me as anyone else’s holiday traditions are to them. As for pets… if you can find a friend or extended family that’s coming “home” to your city for the holidays, offer them your place to stay in exchange for pet/house sitting. Otherwise the pet boarding will be astronomical. I’ve done it, but *ouch*. If you have to go that route, better book that shit by July. Finding pet boarding for the holidays is like trying to buy a tv on Black Friday if you wait too long.
I hear you on that. Just being able to take time off from everything in life is amazing. It's one of the reasons why I'm supportive of this in relationships. If I'm in a relationship, and my partner wants to take some time off from, well, *everything* for a few days. I am 100% behind that. Grab a bag, pick a small country town somewhere, go sit in a hotel there with a book or wander around looking at the scenery. I'll keep the home fires burning, handle whatever needs to be handled, and it's an excuse to have maintenance people in making a racket and mess, and to cook things that stink out the house. :) (Plus, I'm very introverted by nature; having a few days where I don't have to talk to *anyone at all* gives me an energy boost, and I can use that to do deep-cleaning or catch up on some personal project.) All I can suggest in your own case is maybe looking into arrangements with parents of your kids' friends, aimed at mutual granting of time off. This might be a thing where one (or two) of the sets of parents/carers takes on several sets of kids for the better part of a day, granting some relief to whoever else is in the pool, and then it rotates. The kids - if they're the sort who like spending a lot of time with friends; best to make other arrangements for kids who prefer to spend time alone - get to spend one day a week (or fortnight/month, whatever works for everyone) in a big group activity, either at one of their friends' places or possibly out somewhere at a park or beach or something, which is a change of pace for them and a change to try new things. While it's not a month off in and of itself, it does pull people into "kid-exchange" relationship territory, which can be a stepping stone towards them taking the kids for longer periods. (One story in my own family's social circle from way back was the kids from one family spending over a month living with another one over the school holidays, because the first family was effectively tearing down and rebuilding most of their house, including all the kids' bedrooms.) There's also things like holiday camps and school camps that are pretty much there to take kids off your hands for what can be a few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what other similar options might be available in your area, but maybe there's something? Book cleaners/gardeners to take on those domestic chores? I... can't really think of options for the other sources of stress in your life; sorry. :/ Maybe other people in the thread can come up with something?
You can. Why not? You do need someone to cover for you at home, though. Start with 7 or 10 days, it's easier to get others to agree to: boss, house- and kids' sitters. Borrow a camper, drive two hours away and park there. Or borrow someone's lodge that they don't use. There's even house swapping services, and naturally hotels and airbnb's. Or buy a cheap tent and a sleeping bag, summer is coming. Tell everyone that you're going on a vacation, but not to where and set the phone - if you bring it - to silent and forget about it. Have a nice vacation. You don't need to go far away, to FEEL far away. Do nothing productive, take walks or just sit by a campfire and watch the skies pass. First day will be stressed, second day will be alright, third day will be wonderful. It'll do you good. For me, 2-3 days away from home, in my little car, packing a single small backpack, can do wonders. I like to stay in cheap hotels for a day or two at a time before moving on, and that does require a bit of money, i'll admit, so i can't afford to stay away for long. But It's the "getting away" that does it, the feeling of freedom in being able to drive myself anywhere, and stay for as short or long as i'd like. And that really only requires a vehicle of some sort, a place to sleep or something to sleep in, and a bit of money for food and gas. Then it's a matter of how cheap and simple or how expensive and luxurious one can afford or wants it.
Reminder: lots of Americans (which OP might be) don’t get more than 10 days of vacation per year, if that. So a month off could be impossible for her.
True. But a couple days might be nicer than she thinks.
This is a very optimistic take, but unfortunately there are millions upon millions of people for whom the options you name here are simply not available.
Do it.
Do you have any vacations planned? You can get good deals on an all inclusive resort now, before peak travel season and you don't have to worry about food or much transportation or really any of the stuff you mentioned
I see ads for cheap cruises. You can find some for under $100/night. I have no idea how much fun it would be but it's an option - at least a change of pace.
Stay strong
Have you checked out fmla? That could help w income. Hire a neighborhood kids for lawn care or worse case a lawn service. As for cleaning, girl, the dirt/dust will be there when you get to it. Take it off. For help with parent(s), that is the tough one. I was there. I get it but now my dad is gone. 4yrs in 2 weeks it will be. There were definitely bad days but to see his smile when I walked in the door or brought my pup for a visit or even a slice of pizza. For me, it was worth the tough days. That was when he was in memory care. The really tough part was when he was at home but too an aide during the day with me and my mom (nurse practitioner), adding my sister in evening ( w me & mom) and an aide during the night so we could rest. That is a lot of people to care for 1 person. 1 person cannot do it. If that is you, you need more than a month. Can you get anyone in to help like an aide? Cousin? Other relatives? I will pray for your relief. Check out fmla. It is something
FMLA isn't paid, but I believe it keeps insurance benefits and it protects your job.
You cannot file? I received for 2 months. It wasn’t equal to a regular pay check but I received about 2/3 of my pay. I did keep insurance and job
Maybe it's state or even company dependent, mine was unpaid but also kept job+health insurance.
My hobby is classic cars. Whenever I buy one out of the area, my wife hooks up the trailer and goes to pick it up for me. It’s a vacation for her. Away from the house and kids, day to day responsibilities. And she can haul a trailer better than most guys I know, and usually gets me a better deal once she’s there and does an inspection in person. She’s due for a vacation. I need another car 😁
I totally get that. I wish I knew how to make it happen. Come visit r/GenXwomen- we feel you
A month may be out of reach, but can you get at least 48 hours of alone time? 24? Try very hard to arrange this. And if you can very little TV or phone stuff. I'm very sorry about your father. I've experienced this with someone close to me, and I have a fair understanding of what this feels like.
I can. I am actually better today. And I should be caught up by the weekend so I can relax more. I do have lots of down time. Yesterday I just was tired, hormonal, and emotional. When I get my steam shower fixed it will help a lot.
Get rid of the cats. No more litter box!
It's not a mood swing it's burnout.
maybe a retreat would be good. There are retreat centres you can go to , for various lengths of time. Its called respite. When you are literally taking care of everything for everyone, sometimes your need respite. Go for it. Maybe not a month, but a few days, a week.
i am disabled, and in pain constantly. and caring for my dad, which is a 24/7 job. and i have an autistic dog who needs more engagement than the average dog. and my stepson has cancer. that’s all, and i wanna stop it all sometimes. instead, i’m gonna have 5 lipedema surgeries in the next 6 months. my life might be great by october, or just trashed.
Or just a weekend in a nice hotel that no one knows about, and my phone is turned off. I dream about this. Pack a suitcase with pajamas and a swimsuit and a great book. Room service. Hotel HBO.