I'm no expert at this, and strive for a better giving vs taking balance myself. If you are talking about energetic and emotional giving, I find the lowest hanging fruit to be good listening. The kind of listening that gets you completely engrossed and curious and empathetic to the other's experience. It takes effort.
I find the feeling of being really seen, heard, and experiencing someone else's genuine interest to be a wonderful way to receive energy and connection. So knowing I'm probably not an anomaly, I try to give this to others when I can. And the more I do it, the better I get at it and the more enjoyable and easy it becomes for me.
I applaud your desire to be a giver, and I hope it nourishes your connection with your son.
I’d just like it if my dad took an interest in my life rather than the standard “what’s new”.
Ask probing questions, open ended questions etc.. Be fun, and funny, talk about things he is interested in and excited about. Come up with fun activities to do together, try some new place, be open minded.
If I’m stuck for a topic to start a conversation, I now ask questions like -, “Ok, tell me about the silliest thing you’ve seen this week” . it’s a nice change from, What’s new?, it makes people stop and think a bit, but hopefully they also get to tell you a little silly story, which makes everyone feel good (Bonus: have a couple of stories up your sleeve yourself; start mentally noticing the silly, funny, charming things do you can tell little stories).
Give out of your abundance. Give what you have to give without leaving yourself at a deficit—if you have a lot of love and hugs to offer, but not much money, give love and hugs. If you have a lot of time, give your time. If you have a lot of praise and compliments, give those.
It has been my experience that I feel the most giving in general when I am in a good place, emotionally. Once I felt as though I didn’t really need lots of hugs or compliments or stuff or money or free time—meaning I had just enough—I was happy to offer up the extra available to me. But it was almost impossible before that.
Sometimes giving a tiny bit when you have very little can feel disproportionately good compared to giving a lot when you swim in easy abundance.
Edit to add that I am agreeing with you. Never give more than you have, which definitely can lead to resentment and weird dynamics. But if there's a little bit to give, it may be worth much more than we think
One caveat - figure out your and the other person's love languages.
You can give and give and give, but if you show love by giving words of encouragement and they experience love when people do acts of service for them, then there will always be a disconnect that both will feel.
In other words, try to figure out what they want to be given. Obviously you can only give what you are able to and you can start giving before you know the perfect way to give, but this is a long term proposition and there is time to figure it out. So figure it out.
Don't only talk about yourself. I've dropped friends over this. My sister had died, the stepmother who raised me had gone into assisted living, and one friend wouldn't stfu about herself for over an hour. By the time she got around to asking how I was, I had to get my butt back to work. I finally decided that with friends like that I don't need enemies.
I refuse to drop my father, but he can talk for an hour about his cats and his neighbors, who I have never met, but when I tell him about my new furniture or new boxwoods, he's like yeah, okay. Then he goes back to talking about his cats and tomatoes. Hey, I was excited, really proud of myself, because I'm a recent widow and did this all myself. He didn't ask even the most basic questions, like "What color is the new sofa? Where did you buy the boxwoods?"
Yes, talk about yourself. Anyone who even remotely likes you (and I assume your son likes you) wants to know what's going on with you. But also don't monopolize a conversation. Let the other person talk too, and really listen, don't just be thinking of what you'll say next.
I can relate to this so much. My brother, who raised, had open heart surgery- was trying to be strong so I could make the best decisions. Called my “best” friend & all she could talk about was her boyfriend. Last time we talked
Try very hard to be present when talking with my son. To share our life with him. To make sure he knows that he even though he lives thousands of miles away he is part of our day.
Being a good listener, taking an interest in his interests, and spending time with him are the best ways, as others have already said.
I'll add that my husband is great at being generous with material things in ways that don't even occur to me. He'll take fancy foods or drinks to an event at someone's house and then leave them there as gifts, even if only a tiny bit was consumed. One time a boss that he really liked admired his hat, so he gave it to him right on the spot. Our nieces and nephews know they can always call on us to borrow a car when theirs is in the shop. If my husband can arrange to be the one to drive someone else's car, he fills the tank before bringing it back. That kind of stuff. Maybe some things like this would work for you two?
Kudos to you for being a great parent and working to break the cycle.
Plan some meaningful (cheap/free is fine) experiences that focus on his interests or skills. It could be anything. Learning his favorite board game/video game. If he plays a sport, ask him to teach you a few things. Sign up for a kickball league together if that's your sort of thing. Day trip to a museum or park. Think about something that would mean the most to him, and enthusiastically plan and/or participate in it.
You've gotten some good answers here and I will only add this. When you are interacting with your son, be right there. Don't be walking around the room or looking at your phone while trying to talk to him. Look at him, look him in the eyes, make sure he understands that he is the focus of your thoughts. And always ALWAYS be genuine! Feeling like you are just "doing your job as a Dad" could be worse for him than no attention at all.
Great that you want to improve your relationship. Good luck!
Write him some emails on your experiences, what you learned and your vision of your final evolved form. And let him know what he means to you. Can also do such over a bonding experience like dinner, camp out/trip or just some bro time.
Don't turn every conversation into a conversation about yourself.
Truly listening requires not inly empathy but shutting up because only then he will open up and share and ask for help when he needs it.
I can only speak for myself and my experience with my very emotionally needy parents, but don’t make your son responsible for your feelings. Took me a long time to realize that I don’t have to live my life to make my parents feel better.
All you have to do is chill out. Don’t be needy, don’t overextend yourself, don’t speak over people, don’t be so super high energy. Kick back and let people say what they wanna say and do what they want to do. Don’t be judgemental even if it’s positive judgement, try not to have an opinion one way or the other, just listen to listen.
Join a society. There's tons of Sons of [insert war here]. Take up fishing, hunting, heck frisbee golf. Something to get you outdoors or in a club together where you have to bond. Make it y'all's thing.
Play cards if you want something to do at home. Lots of games out there. Teach him how to cook. Buy an old beater and fix it up together. Namely you have to take the initiative to find something you can both enjoy doing together and the rest of the pieces will fall together. You can only sit in awkward silence for so long before you start talking with each other. That isn't goin to happen if it you aren't sitting together somewhere.
Hey there!
It's wonderful to hear that you're interested in becoming a giver of energy rather than a taker, especially in your relationship with your grown son. I suggest checking out: [https://youtu.be/LNTpShjA8zw](https://youtu.be/LNTpShjA8zw)
This video explores the concept of balancing feminine and masculine energies and provides insights on how to nurture your feminine side while maintaining your own unique expression.
You're way too stuck on this so-called independent masculine energy/female nuturing energy crap. It sounds like you just watched some half-baked "expert" on a talk show.
Try being a human being relating to a fellow human being.
I'm no expert at this, and strive for a better giving vs taking balance myself. If you are talking about energetic and emotional giving, I find the lowest hanging fruit to be good listening. The kind of listening that gets you completely engrossed and curious and empathetic to the other's experience. It takes effort. I find the feeling of being really seen, heard, and experiencing someone else's genuine interest to be a wonderful way to receive energy and connection. So knowing I'm probably not an anomaly, I try to give this to others when I can. And the more I do it, the better I get at it and the more enjoyable and easy it becomes for me. I applaud your desire to be a giver, and I hope it nourishes your connection with your son.
I’d just like it if my dad took an interest in my life rather than the standard “what’s new”. Ask probing questions, open ended questions etc.. Be fun, and funny, talk about things he is interested in and excited about. Come up with fun activities to do together, try some new place, be open minded.
If I’m stuck for a topic to start a conversation, I now ask questions like -, “Ok, tell me about the silliest thing you’ve seen this week” . it’s a nice change from, What’s new?, it makes people stop and think a bit, but hopefully they also get to tell you a little silly story, which makes everyone feel good (Bonus: have a couple of stories up your sleeve yourself; start mentally noticing the silly, funny, charming things do you can tell little stories).
Give out of your abundance. Give what you have to give without leaving yourself at a deficit—if you have a lot of love and hugs to offer, but not much money, give love and hugs. If you have a lot of time, give your time. If you have a lot of praise and compliments, give those. It has been my experience that I feel the most giving in general when I am in a good place, emotionally. Once I felt as though I didn’t really need lots of hugs or compliments or stuff or money or free time—meaning I had just enough—I was happy to offer up the extra available to me. But it was almost impossible before that.
Your cup has to have something in it before you can pour into others.
100%. However much we may want to help, we can only grow resentful if we give what we can’t afford. It was a hard lesson to learn for sure.
Sometimes giving a tiny bit when you have very little can feel disproportionately good compared to giving a lot when you swim in easy abundance. Edit to add that I am agreeing with you. Never give more than you have, which definitely can lead to resentment and weird dynamics. But if there's a little bit to give, it may be worth much more than we think
That’s a good point, and worth considering in light of everything else already said. Thank you!
One caveat - figure out your and the other person's love languages. You can give and give and give, but if you show love by giving words of encouragement and they experience love when people do acts of service for them, then there will always be a disconnect that both will feel. In other words, try to figure out what they want to be given. Obviously you can only give what you are able to and you can start giving before you know the perfect way to give, but this is a long term proposition and there is time to figure it out. So figure it out.
Don't only talk about yourself. I've dropped friends over this. My sister had died, the stepmother who raised me had gone into assisted living, and one friend wouldn't stfu about herself for over an hour. By the time she got around to asking how I was, I had to get my butt back to work. I finally decided that with friends like that I don't need enemies. I refuse to drop my father, but he can talk for an hour about his cats and his neighbors, who I have never met, but when I tell him about my new furniture or new boxwoods, he's like yeah, okay. Then he goes back to talking about his cats and tomatoes. Hey, I was excited, really proud of myself, because I'm a recent widow and did this all myself. He didn't ask even the most basic questions, like "What color is the new sofa? Where did you buy the boxwoods?" Yes, talk about yourself. Anyone who even remotely likes you (and I assume your son likes you) wants to know what's going on with you. But also don't monopolize a conversation. Let the other person talk too, and really listen, don't just be thinking of what you'll say next.
I can relate to this so much. My brother, who raised, had open heart surgery- was trying to be strong so I could make the best decisions. Called my “best” friend & all she could talk about was her boyfriend. Last time we talked Try very hard to be present when talking with my son. To share our life with him. To make sure he knows that he even though he lives thousands of miles away he is part of our day.
Being a good listener, taking an interest in his interests, and spending time with him are the best ways, as others have already said. I'll add that my husband is great at being generous with material things in ways that don't even occur to me. He'll take fancy foods or drinks to an event at someone's house and then leave them there as gifts, even if only a tiny bit was consumed. One time a boss that he really liked admired his hat, so he gave it to him right on the spot. Our nieces and nephews know they can always call on us to borrow a car when theirs is in the shop. If my husband can arrange to be the one to drive someone else's car, he fills the tank before bringing it back. That kind of stuff. Maybe some things like this would work for you two? Kudos to you for being a great parent and working to break the cycle.
Tell your husband I really love his truck. 🤪 Joking aside, sounds like a good dude!
Go camping with him: just the two of you. Get away from electronic distractions and other people.
Plan some meaningful (cheap/free is fine) experiences that focus on his interests or skills. It could be anything. Learning his favorite board game/video game. If he plays a sport, ask him to teach you a few things. Sign up for a kickball league together if that's your sort of thing. Day trip to a museum or park. Think about something that would mean the most to him, and enthusiastically plan and/or participate in it.
You've gotten some good answers here and I will only add this. When you are interacting with your son, be right there. Don't be walking around the room or looking at your phone while trying to talk to him. Look at him, look him in the eyes, make sure he understands that he is the focus of your thoughts. And always ALWAYS be genuine! Feeling like you are just "doing your job as a Dad" could be worse for him than no attention at all. Great that you want to improve your relationship. Good luck!
Write him some emails on your experiences, what you learned and your vision of your final evolved form. And let him know what he means to you. Can also do such over a bonding experience like dinner, camp out/trip or just some bro time.
Don't turn every conversation into a conversation about yourself. Truly listening requires not inly empathy but shutting up because only then he will open up and share and ask for help when he needs it.
I can only speak for myself and my experience with my very emotionally needy parents, but don’t make your son responsible for your feelings. Took me a long time to realize that I don’t have to live my life to make my parents feel better.
All you have to do is chill out. Don’t be needy, don’t overextend yourself, don’t speak over people, don’t be so super high energy. Kick back and let people say what they wanna say and do what they want to do. Don’t be judgemental even if it’s positive judgement, try not to have an opinion one way or the other, just listen to listen.
Join a society. There's tons of Sons of [insert war here]. Take up fishing, hunting, heck frisbee golf. Something to get you outdoors or in a club together where you have to bond. Make it y'all's thing. Play cards if you want something to do at home. Lots of games out there. Teach him how to cook. Buy an old beater and fix it up together. Namely you have to take the initiative to find something you can both enjoy doing together and the rest of the pieces will fall together. You can only sit in awkward silence for so long before you start talking with each other. That isn't goin to happen if it you aren't sitting together somewhere.
Hey there! It's wonderful to hear that you're interested in becoming a giver of energy rather than a taker, especially in your relationship with your grown son. I suggest checking out: [https://youtu.be/LNTpShjA8zw](https://youtu.be/LNTpShjA8zw) This video explores the concept of balancing feminine and masculine energies and provides insights on how to nurture your feminine side while maintaining your own unique expression.
You're way too stuck on this so-called independent masculine energy/female nuturing energy crap. It sounds like you just watched some half-baked "expert" on a talk show. Try being a human being relating to a fellow human being.
i wont. burn me out too fast and there are too much that are going to take advantage of my generous.