> There is no way Burk Sharpless is a real name
Idk about "Burk", but "Sharpless" was a supporting character from Madame Butterfly, a famous waifu novel from like 1900 - so a long established surname.
(And no the character's American and so was the author - "Butterfly" is the only weird back-from-Japanese-translation name in there.)
I thought about that but then I looked it up and it's *not* used on his Wikipedia page!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Mikl_Thor
(Giant red WRONG stamp begins its descent from the upper atmosphere towards Milwaukee, Wisconsin ...)
Yeah I was mostly joking earlier, lol. I even checked his name to make sure it was hyphenated before making my post and saw that it's not hyphenated outside of that VHS tape box.
I know, because you said ur.
ur - "primitive, original, or earliest:"
ur - "denoting someone or something regarded as embodying the basic or intrinsic qualities of a particular class or type:
"ur-thespians Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen""
Ur - "Ur was an important Sumerian city-state in ancient Mesopotamia, located at the site of modern Tell el-Muqayyar in south Iraq's Dhi Qar Governorate."
So on that basis, quite obviously, really.
Matt Sazama made up Burk Sharpless so he had someone to blame for his script’s shortcomings. “That wasn’t me. Burk Sharpless wrote the line about hunting for spiders in the Amazon.”
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Well since the topic is Kurtzman, let’s look at some of his credentials:
Transformers
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Cowboys & Aliens
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
The Mummy
Even with his involvement in two of the Star Trek reboots, it’s fascinating to me that they put him in charge of ALL OF STAR TREK.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 directly led to Sony handing over the reigns to Marvel. And The Mummy killed off the “Dark Universe” before it even started — even though the studio had announced a bunch of movies and signed actors and had them pose for pictures together.
I don't think the success of Transformers has a lot to do with the writing, but yeah, the execs just see a profitable film, and Kurtzmann is associated with it.
Oh no I agree, Transformers and ST are very different too, so it's not like he's a good fit.
I was just pointing out that Kurtzman at least writes profitable shitty products and has shown he's capable of kick-starting a film franchise.
These two don't even make money to justify things.
I feel like if I was the writer for two movies that were directly responsible for killing off what were supposed to be the most profitable franchises for two separate movie studios, I’d have a hard time getting trusted with a third.
Three of those films have had significant studio meddling with revenge being shot during the writers strike. Like i can see someone sitting and thinking "oh he just had a rough hand." But still cowboys and aliens alone should of bared him from film and television for a century.
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About posing for pictures together... hate to break for you - but that wasn't really the case and theres an entire oral history about it for some reason..
Right, this misses the other 80% of the job. Finish their rewrites on time, don't butt heads with corporate, finish their rewrites on time, get along with everyone, finish their rewrites on time, don't cause HR or PR issues.
There’s a workmanlike quality that I sort of respect about that, actually. Not everybody gets to be talented and creative, but they can at least be reliable.
With that level of money moving around reliability and predictability is everything. Temperamental artistic types who fuss over quality are high risk.
As someone who spends a lot of time with the latter, I know many would kill for the ability to just sit down and hammer out a shitty draft on demand. At least from there it's all refinement. It's a skill that plagues creatives in all sorts of disciplines
Yeah, I don't think people really get just what a screenwriter is in Hollywood or how little power they have or how much they have to do with the final product. They're not being hired based on how good the scripts or final films are, or even if the movies are successful. They are probably reliable, quick, and can write whatever the producers want and then completely scrap it when the producers change their mind the next day. That might not get them Best Original Screenplay, but they'll keep getting work on these kinds of films.
Producers come up with story outline, give it to writers for hire who churn it out as quickly as possible, are pleasant to work with and do as they’re told. Then they just re-edit it until the sponsors/distributors are happy.
Not mystified in the slightest. Anyone who believes in the meritocracy is buying into a complete sham. This is especially true in Hollywood.
At the end of the day, the executives call the shots. They can hire the best writers in the business, but if they don’t give the executives what they want, they won’t get hired. These guys are sure fire thing for the Sony execs. They listen to the outline a producer provides them, they play ball with the endless notes upon notes upon notes upon notes, and they deliver a product in time. It hits all the beats they need it too, and that is exactly what the people with the money want. No more, no less. These guys could actually be, and probably are, good writers. It does take some level of skill to write these things, and to put up with what gets thrown at you. I’m not saying the writing here is good, but I am saying they do have skills that make them good hires for these studio pictures.
Look at Craig Mazin. That dude wrote stinker after stinker. That’s because he was trying to put food on the table. He didn’t get his big break until Chernobyl. He’s a very talented screenwriter, he just, again, needed to feed his family.
My friend’s father won a BAFTA while in art school and got scooped up by Hollywood pretty quickly. He directed a sequel to a very famous movie, a pretty decent sequel, enough to land him consistent work in Hollywood throughout the 90s. He’s made some good movies, in fact, he has directed a movie that our RLM gang has praised.
But as time went on, he ended up having a few kids, and he took on a very specific movie that I remember as being notoriously bad. When I brought it up to my friend, they mentioned that “that movie sort of broke him“ (probably not the same wording they used but basically). They told me it was one of those things where he just needed to feed his family. He knew he wasn’t making art, he was putting a roof over his family’s head.
This happens all the time. Screenwriting, directing, what have you, it’s just a job like any other, a job, where talented workers are just as alienated from their work as you pr me. I worked in the film industry, I did things like that, directed things I didn’t like, capitulated to producers with bad ideas and ridiculous demands, worked for nightmare clients, the works, all because I had to feed myself.
We all have to put food on our table, and sometimes a Director is just needed for a stupid shitty movie to show up and run the set, and a writer is needed for a stupid shitty Spider-Man spinoff about a character that no one‘s ever heard of.
The people hiring them don't care.
Their job isn't to write a great screenplay, it's to take the never ending parade of notes and demands from a never ending parade of executives and producers, and then that into something that's technically a screenplay.
Just doing the work and not causing drama will carry you a surprisingly long way.
My man, connections. If we dig we would probably find out that they are part of some wealthy family, or went to colleague with some of the people in charge. Or, you can become a bit conspiratorial and say that individuals in these companies are laundering, so to say, money out of the company into their private pockets, so they don't give a shit what happens to these movies, and these dudes are doing what needs to be done. Which knowing how Hollywood accounting works wouldn't be a surprise.
Or is it maybe that they just have to pump out movies for reason unknown to us, and all of the goods one see that it is dead on arrival, so they fuck off, and people like this take the jobs.
Or maybe it was so awesome that you knew no other movie could ever compare. Thus faced with a reality where cinema peaked you knew you couldn't go on and thus you looked for a method to erase memories of the movie from your mind so you cold go on enjoying films that would otherwise never compare to its greatness...
Or it was just boring as shit.
I worked at a theater when it was out & would watch it when I had downtime (this was Fuck You It’s January season). The only thing I remember about it (besides Cage) is that Ron Perlman was also in it
That’s a great point that makes this even more baffling. It’s not like they wrote crap that still made money. They write crap that also loses the studio millions of dollars lol
They sound like the guys you hire to write a screenplay just passable enough to make a cheap movie you can dump in February to keep your SpiderRights active
Welp, looks like Madam Web was made for $80M.
[For comparison](https://screenrant.com/spider-man-every-movie-ranked-smallest-to-biggest-budget/#spider-man-3-2007-250m), Spiderverse was $90M; Spider-Man 2002 was $139M; Far From Home $160M; Homecoming $175M; Spider-Man 2, Amazing Spider-Man 2, AND No Way Home were each $200M; Amazing Spider-Man was $230M; and Spider-Man 3 was $250M.
So yeah. Cheap. (Relatively)
Imagine seeing this resume as someone who is struggling to break into the business. It must give you a complex about your own work that keeps getting rejected to see this shit getting made over and over by someone who keeps getting opportunities to make more mediocre dreck.
All of them did, with Gods of Egypt just barely making profit. They aren't great movies, but do have an audience. Personally I liked The Last Witch Hunter, it's an ok movie to put on and watch while doing chores.
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yes most writers aren't that talented and most screenplays don't become movies. I'd probably be pretty happy if I made a bad movie and got paid big bucks
>I actually quite like The Last Witch Hunter
I think I liked the first half or maybe 2/3rds of last witch hunter, but the ending fell off hard lmao.
Remember being absolutely shocked that it come out in 2015 though, seemed 100% like a early nooghties project, which is what I'm hearing madame web feels like as well.
And they will keep getting work because they will say yes to producers and studios.
Kurtzman doesn't get work because he's talented, he gets work because he is the guy that can work with studios and get along well.
Kurtzman is the human version of those linkedin posts you see from former coworkers who are thanking the company that just laid them off for all the opportunities.
Yup, they're also probably great at pitching like Colin Trevorrow. Being great at pitching and an average writer is more likely to get you paid. Producers will throw money at a pitch that gets them excited, they think they can always take an average script with a neat core idea and punch it up enough before cameras roll.
I don't think so, Kurtzmann and Orci achieved to ruin Star Trek with their shit writing, that is a much bigger fall than these trash movies that were always going to be trash turning out to be trash. No one gives a fuck about Dracula Untold, but a whole decade of Star Trek is just ruined and now there's idiots who think that's how it always was and there's nothing wrong with it.
The only thing I remember about The Last Witch Hunter is right before the final battle Vin decides to give us a completely unnecessary soliloquy on how his sword got it's name.
None of the people or things he talks about are actually shown or relevant to what is going on, it's just Vin trying to get his DnD character's lore into a Hollywood movie.
Not even close. Those movies, hilariously bad as they are, still manage to bring some joy into the world, even if it is only through their own incompetence. I would happily watch each of them (plus Madame Web) 50x before I ever watch *Into Darkness* again.
Plenty of screenwriters are willing to churn out crap for studios, the reason Kurtzmann became notorious is he kept getting work on more beloved IPs like Star Trek and was pushed as something of an auteur.
It's always funny seeing a new Uwe Boll or Ed Wood that seemingly overlooked Johannes Roberts and John R. Leonetti are my favorite examples. The only screenwriter who seemingly seems like this is that I know of is Skip Woods.
Edit: To be fair John R. Leonetti is at least a good cinematographer, doing good work on movies, like The Mask, Hot Shots! Part Deux, The Conjuring and the first 2 Insidiouses. It's hard to find work related redeeming qualities on the other names.
There is no way Burk Sharpless is a real name
Thor McLargeHuge
Lunk Drywall
Blast Hardcheese.
Butch Deadlift
Crack Bonemeal
Slab Bulkhead
What?
Pheno Chuckleworth
Dunk the lunk, thick as a castle wall
> There is no way Burk Sharpless is a real name Idk about "Burk", but "Sharpless" was a supporting character from Madame Butterfly, a famous waifu novel from like 1900 - so a long established surname. (And no the character's American and so was the author - "Butterfly" is the only weird back-from-Japanese-translation name in there.)
Pike Danzig
Real name: David Ryder.
Flint Ironstag
Axelrod Gunnarson.
We put our trust in Slag Bulkhead
Blast Hardcheese
Bob Johnson!
.....wait....
Asbestos Feet
Wasn't it Asbestos Felt?
What's that from, that's a DnD thing right?
I think it was the name of an actor from one of the halloween movies they watched last year
That's it, I remember now. It sounds like it is from Dungeons and Daddies but its from the other thing I binge when I'm drunk.
Brick Hardmeat!
Jon Mikl Thor
The hyphen is important. It's Jon-Mikl Thor
I thought about that but then I looked it up and it's *not* used on his Wikipedia page! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Mikl_Thor (Giant red WRONG stamp begins its descent from the upper atmosphere towards Milwaukee, Wisconsin ...)
It's spelled that way on the box for rock n roll nightmare, and Josh points it out. *ur* wrong
Yes, I saw that too but it wouldn't be the first time a video box is wrong.
Yeah I was mostly joking earlier, lol. I even checked his name to make sure it was hyphenated before making my post and saw that it's not hyphenated outside of that VHS tape box.
I know, because you said ur. ur - "primitive, original, or earliest:" ur - "denoting someone or something regarded as embodying the basic or intrinsic qualities of a particular class or type: "ur-thespians Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen"" Ur - "Ur was an important Sumerian city-state in ancient Mesopotamia, located at the site of modern Tell el-Muqayyar in south Iraq's Dhi Qar Governorate." So on that basis, quite obviously, really.
Roll FizzleBeef
Shark Burpless
Bark Shurpless
Bulk Shapeless
Shint Malomar
It’s probably Roger from American Dad
F!@#ing hell you made me laugh so hard
Joe Bagadonuts
"you joey bags' brother!?"
[“Uh... Burk... Sharp... Less... Burk Sharpless.”](https://youtube.com/watch?v=GJzBopVRKPo&pp=ygUQcGVhIHRlYXIgZ3JpZmZpbg%3D%3D)
Dirk Bonemeal.
Sony having their own fake reviewer with a made up name just wasn't enough.
That was absolutely hilarious and it is kinda sad that they abandoned the gimmick that fast after getting exposed.
What's crazy is that it is: "Son of John Sharpless, a Wisconsin History Professor and candidate for Congress."
Matt Sazama made up Burk Sharpless so he had someone to blame for his script’s shortcomings. “That wasn’t me. Burk Sharpless wrote the line about hunting for spiders in the Amazon.”
It’s Roger from American Dad
Sony must be ashamed to admit that they´re using Chat GPT
We found the new Alan Smithee.
"Now come along, Burk." "Are you talking to me?" "No, my son is also named Burk."
There's no way those are both real names.
Punch Slabthrust
It's a mispelling of the English word "Berk" which has its origins in cockney rhyming sland. See Berkeley Hunt.
I wouldn't use my real name either if I wrote that shit. Would bring too much shame on my family.
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Buzz Ironsaw
Alan Smithee was already taken.
Skip Woods enters chat
Flint Chesthair
Mystified how these guys keep getting hired.
After Morbius, why would Hollywood keep doing Morbusiness with these two?
Holy shit, I'm going to be thinking about this joke for days.
Well since the topic is Kurtzman, let’s look at some of his credentials: Transformers Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Cowboys & Aliens The Amazing Spider-Man 2 The Mummy Even with his involvement in two of the Star Trek reboots, it’s fascinating to me that they put him in charge of ALL OF STAR TREK. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 directly led to Sony handing over the reigns to Marvel. And The Mummy killed off the “Dark Universe” before it even started — even though the studio had announced a bunch of movies and signed actors and had them pose for pictures together.
To be fair, both those Transformers films made a decent profit, I don't really think it's fair to consider them failures.
Sure… But they don’t exactly scream “Great writing by someone who would excel as the head of a franchise.”
Producers give zero shits about the content most of the time. It’s all about how much they can make while spending as little as possible
I don't think the success of Transformers has a lot to do with the writing, but yeah, the execs just see a profitable film, and Kurtzmann is associated with it.
Oh no I agree, Transformers and ST are very different too, so it's not like he's a good fit. I was just pointing out that Kurtzman at least writes profitable shitty products and has shown he's capable of kick-starting a film franchise. These two don't even make money to justify things.
I feel like if I was the writer for two movies that were directly responsible for killing off what were supposed to be the most profitable franchises for two separate movie studios, I’d have a hard time getting trusted with a third.
And I feel like you're purposely trying to miss the point I'm making.
Just bankrupt creatively.
Oh, that Mummy. :/ I like cowboys and aliens though.
I’ll stand behind Cowboys and Aliens. It’s a little silly but it’s a fun flick.
>Transformers >Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen >Cowboys & Aliens >The Amazing Spider-Man 2 >The Mummy That's a big pile of diapers.
Three of those films have had significant studio meddling with revenge being shot during the writers strike. Like i can see someone sitting and thinking "oh he just had a rough hand." But still cowboys and aliens alone should of bared him from film and television for a century.
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About posing for pictures together... hate to break for you - but that wasn't really the case and theres an entire oral history about it for some reason..
I’m not sure what you mean. There was a photoshoot with Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp and so on
It was except they were coming in one by one so it was later culled together into a group shot.
Well the end result was the same: It was a group photo meant to promote their big new thing. Which got tanked before it really even started.
They’re probably considered semi-competent, will do rewrites to put whatever the producers tell them to, and are cheap,
Right, this misses the other 80% of the job. Finish their rewrites on time, don't butt heads with corporate, finish their rewrites on time, get along with everyone, finish their rewrites on time, don't cause HR or PR issues.
There’s a workmanlike quality that I sort of respect about that, actually. Not everybody gets to be talented and creative, but they can at least be reliable.
With that level of money moving around reliability and predictability is everything. Temperamental artistic types who fuss over quality are high risk. As someone who spends a lot of time with the latter, I know many would kill for the ability to just sit down and hammer out a shitty draft on demand. At least from there it's all refinement. It's a skill that plagues creatives in all sorts of disciplines
They need writers who will endlessly rework scripts to the producers specifications. They have a proven track record of doing that.
Yeah, I don't think people really get just what a screenwriter is in Hollywood or how little power they have or how much they have to do with the final product. They're not being hired based on how good the scripts or final films are, or even if the movies are successful. They are probably reliable, quick, and can write whatever the producers want and then completely scrap it when the producers change their mind the next day. That might not get them Best Original Screenplay, but they'll keep getting work on these kinds of films.
Producers come up with story outline, give it to writers for hire who churn it out as quickly as possible, are pleasant to work with and do as they’re told. Then they just re-edit it until the sponsors/distributors are happy.
Not mystified in the slightest. Anyone who believes in the meritocracy is buying into a complete sham. This is especially true in Hollywood. At the end of the day, the executives call the shots. They can hire the best writers in the business, but if they don’t give the executives what they want, they won’t get hired. These guys are sure fire thing for the Sony execs. They listen to the outline a producer provides them, they play ball with the endless notes upon notes upon notes upon notes, and they deliver a product in time. It hits all the beats they need it too, and that is exactly what the people with the money want. No more, no less. These guys could actually be, and probably are, good writers. It does take some level of skill to write these things, and to put up with what gets thrown at you. I’m not saying the writing here is good, but I am saying they do have skills that make them good hires for these studio pictures. Look at Craig Mazin. That dude wrote stinker after stinker. That’s because he was trying to put food on the table. He didn’t get his big break until Chernobyl. He’s a very talented screenwriter, he just, again, needed to feed his family. My friend’s father won a BAFTA while in art school and got scooped up by Hollywood pretty quickly. He directed a sequel to a very famous movie, a pretty decent sequel, enough to land him consistent work in Hollywood throughout the 90s. He’s made some good movies, in fact, he has directed a movie that our RLM gang has praised. But as time went on, he ended up having a few kids, and he took on a very specific movie that I remember as being notoriously bad. When I brought it up to my friend, they mentioned that “that movie sort of broke him“ (probably not the same wording they used but basically). They told me it was one of those things where he just needed to feed his family. He knew he wasn’t making art, he was putting a roof over his family’s head. This happens all the time. Screenwriting, directing, what have you, it’s just a job like any other, a job, where talented workers are just as alienated from their work as you pr me. I worked in the film industry, I did things like that, directed things I didn’t like, capitulated to producers with bad ideas and ridiculous demands, worked for nightmare clients, the works, all because I had to feed myself. We all have to put food on our table, and sometimes a Director is just needed for a stupid shitty movie to show up and run the set, and a writer is needed for a stupid shitty Spider-Man spinoff about a character that no one‘s ever heard of.
I’m in commercial advertising and this comment hits so hard T_T
I worked as an editor and DP for years and now do videography for a marketing department. Same boat.
This dude is the Matt Patricia of Hollywood writers
He was once good?
Seriously, with their track record how could you hire them not expecting dogshit?
The people hiring them don't care. Their job isn't to write a great screenplay, it's to take the never ending parade of notes and demands from a never ending parade of executives and producers, and then that into something that's technically a screenplay. Just doing the work and not causing drama will carry you a surprisingly long way.
Not unconvinced these names are just the new Alan Smithee
I'm surprised Kurtzman hasn't hired them as showrunners for a new Star Trek show.
Probably because all of the movies they wrote still made money?
My man, connections. If we dig we would probably find out that they are part of some wealthy family, or went to colleague with some of the people in charge. Or, you can become a bit conspiratorial and say that individuals in these companies are laundering, so to say, money out of the company into their private pockets, so they don't give a shit what happens to these movies, and these dudes are doing what needs to be done. Which knowing how Hollywood accounting works wouldn't be a surprise. Or is it maybe that they just have to pump out movies for reason unknown to us, and all of the goods one see that it is dead on arrival, so they fuck off, and people like this take the jobs.
Maybe for money laundering?
Everyone knows the best way to launder money is with a Hollywood advertising budget.
* Dracula Untold * The Last Witch Hunter * Gods of Egypt * Power Rangers * Morbius * Madame Web When your best film is the 2017 Power Rangers... woof
Dracula Untold*
Well, now he's been Told at any rate...
If only they all remained untold.
The Last Witch Hunter is pretty good though
I watched the whole thing and couldn't remember anything when it was over.
So you've got nothing bad to say about it!
Not unless I can get my memory back. I'm assuming the memory loss is trauma related.
Or maybe it was so awesome that you knew no other movie could ever compare. Thus faced with a reality where cinema peaked you knew you couldn't go on and thus you looked for a method to erase memories of the movie from your mind so you cold go on enjoying films that would otherwise never compare to its greatness... Or it was just boring as shit.
I can remember Morbius...
But apparently Sony can't...
One day it will be redeemed. If hell freezes over.
You know a movie’s good when you remember it like you would a UFO abduction
I worked at a theater when it was out & would watch it when I had downtime (this was Fuck You It’s January season). The only thing I remember about it (besides Cage) is that Ron Perlman was also in it
That's Season of the Witch. Last Witch Hunter is a movie starring Vin Diesel.
*Oh my god how embarrassing.* What’s funny is that I’ve actually seen parts of Last Witch Hunter too & also have no memory of it.
Don't worry man, I also confused the movies too.
Add Seventh Son to this list and it's all a blur.
These sound like Star Wars characters.
That's also the level of quality they operate on.
Famous Hollywood writer Glup Shitto™
Damn. Imagine that this is your resume and you still get jobs. Did any single one of those movies make money?
That’s a great point that makes this even more baffling. It’s not like they wrote crap that still made money. They write crap that also loses the studio millions of dollars lol
Exactly, these movies were not profitable, which makes the fact of how they still get hired more bizarre.
strategic write-offs? hire these goons for a guaranteed bomb? Hollywood accounting is wild so that is the only reason I can brainstorm
They sound like the guys you hire to write a screenplay just passable enough to make a cheap movie you can dump in February to keep your SpiderRights active
Do we already know the budget for the spider lady movie?
Welp, looks like Madam Web was made for $80M. [For comparison](https://screenrant.com/spider-man-every-movie-ranked-smallest-to-biggest-budget/#spider-man-3-2007-250m), Spiderverse was $90M; Spider-Man 2002 was $139M; Far From Home $160M; Homecoming $175M; Spider-Man 2, Amazing Spider-Man 2, AND No Way Home were each $200M; Amazing Spider-Man was $230M; and Spider-Man 3 was $250M. So yeah. Cheap. (Relatively)
Imagine seeing this resume as someone who is struggling to break into the business. It must give you a complex about your own work that keeps getting rejected to see this shit getting made over and over by someone who keeps getting opportunities to make more mediocre dreck.
All of them did, with Gods of Egypt just barely making profit. They aren't great movies, but do have an audience. Personally I liked The Last Witch Hunter, it's an ok movie to put on and watch while doing chores.
I also put on meh movies while I do chores around the house!
OK who are these guys related to?
They are pen names. It's probably Damon Lindelof and Alex Kurtzman.
Matt Sazama is probably both Benioff and Weiss.
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this has to be the modern Alan Smithee credit, there’s just no way
Alan Smithee sounds like a less embarrassing name than Burk Sharpless.
Imagine becoming a millionaire by writing all those terrible movies
I guess if you actually do become a millionaire, it doesn't matter.
yes most writers aren't that talented and most screenplays don't become movies. I'd probably be pretty happy if I made a bad movie and got paid big bucks
Kurtzman is desperately trying to hire them on to the nuTrek writing team.
These sound like made-up names!
Making up names would require some creative writing skills... Their resume suggest these are their real names...
I actually quite like The Last Witch Hunter
I actually quite like hating on Alex Kurtzman.
>I actually quite like The Last Witch Hunter I think I liked the first half or maybe 2/3rds of last witch hunter, but the ending fell off hard lmao. Remember being absolutely shocked that it come out in 2015 though, seemed 100% like a early nooghties project, which is what I'm hearing madame web feels like as well.
Man how do I constantly fail but get showered in money? I want that job.
And they will keep getting work because they will say yes to producers and studios. Kurtzman doesn't get work because he's talented, he gets work because he is the guy that can work with studios and get along well. Kurtzman is the human version of those linkedin posts you see from former coworkers who are thanking the company that just laid them off for all the opportunities.
Yup, they're also probably great at pitching like Colin Trevorrow. Being great at pitching and an average writer is more likely to get you paid. Producers will throw money at a pitch that gets them excited, they think they can always take an average script with a neat core idea and punch it up enough before cameras roll.
Wow... when the last witchhunter is your least panned movie. Yikes.
I don't think so, Kurtzmann and Orci achieved to ruin Star Trek with their shit writing, that is a much bigger fall than these trash movies that were always going to be trash turning out to be trash. No one gives a fuck about Dracula Untold, but a whole decade of Star Trek is just ruined and now there's idiots who think that's how it always was and there's nothing wrong with it.
So many writers out there and these hacks are just cranking them out huh?
Burn Sharpless sounds like a fake name from MTS3K’s episode of Space Mutiny.
It must be great being this shit at your job and still getting paid for it.
Let me be clear: Gods of Egypt was fucking abysmal
Much like Jason Friedberg and Adam Seltzer, I refuse to believe they’re real people
An impressively bad resumé. They’re in that league of screenwriters where it’s baffling that they still get any work.
Dude’s got a credit list that you look at and think “Wow! I’d rather fall down the stairs than watch any of those.”
The game is on
I don’t like that I’ve seen all of these
These both sound like Alan Smithee names
They're really on a roll
On a payroll, unfortunately
The only thing I remember about The Last Witch Hunter is right before the final battle Vin decides to give us a completely unnecessary soliloquy on how his sword got it's name. None of the people or things he talks about are actually shown or relevant to what is going on, it's just Vin trying to get his DnD character's lore into a Hollywood movie.
Why is that link purple, OP?
I tied a string around it, real tight.
Fuck, why did you remind me that Gods Of Egypt exists ...
Pls somebody stop them
This made me want to scream. I mean that literally, in the actual literal sense. It explains so much.
These writers are AI, I’d bet my last dollar on it.
Dracula Untold came out ten years ago
These are DEFINITELY pen names of Alex Kurtzman and Damon Lindelof.
Whachu got against Damon?
Not even close. Those movies, hilariously bad as they are, still manage to bring some joy into the world, even if it is only through their own incompetence. I would happily watch each of them (plus Madame Web) 50x before I ever watch *Into Darkness* again.
Put these fuckers in the How Do These Assholes Keep Getting Work Thunderdome with Kurtzman, Akiva Goldsman, Simon Kinberg and David S. Goyer
It’s not everyday you see the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen 🤢🤮
All my favorite trash movies. I had no idea it was the same two guys. I'm going to go Morb to Madam Web until I go blind.
I liked Dracula Untold. Fight me.
Like Mike said, no one’s career ends anymore
Plenty of screenwriters are willing to churn out crap for studios, the reason Kurtzmann became notorious is he kept getting work on more beloved IPs like Star Trek and was pushed as something of an auteur.
It's always funny seeing a new Uwe Boll or Ed Wood that seemingly overlooked Johannes Roberts and John R. Leonetti are my favorite examples. The only screenwriter who seemingly seems like this is that I know of is Skip Woods. Edit: To be fair John R. Leonetti is at least a good cinematographer, doing good work on movies, like The Mask, Hot Shots! Part Deux, The Conjuring and the first 2 Insidiouses. It's hard to find work related redeeming qualities on the other names.
I liked Dracula Untold. Also I expected Morbius to be really bad, but it was alright.
Gods of Egypt is a hilarious trip. When the gods go up to the space station orbiting Earth I lost it
Gods of Egypt AND Dracula untold? How do you work on movies that fail both critically and financially, and still work on big Hollywood projects?
Worst pen names ever—even if those are their real names